http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:SunshineCasy&section=today deviantART RSS for by:SunshineCasy en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 27 Dec 2009 14:45:33 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29226255/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29226255/ Sat, 26 Dec 2009 23:57:53 PST
It will probably be too romantic and mature, by proxy cause that's what it'll have to be about, so I'm not sure any of you will actually appreciate it like, I dunno, a pixel art. Damn I need a more cultured audience.

It's a tragedy, currently, but I want to tack on a good ending to it just to give it an aire of realism that hardcore drama kind of lacks.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29207100/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29207100/ Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:59:05 PST
The nurses take my temperature and say I don't have a fever. The same thing happens at home. Maybe one in three times using a different thermometer confirms that I have a very basic, little fever. Tylenol brings down the tremors.

The beginning of the tremor happens in my center of gravity, my chest/heart (metaphorical) so therefore throws about my arms in an alarming way. During sleep I may start dreaming because my sleep is interrupted; the dream will be a normal dream but will either get more incoherent or violent as the tremor takes hold.

Tonight, I was going out with Mark and Dave. I think we were supposed to be going to a restaurant, or perhaps a bar/grill sort of place like Angelo's, but it was typical Negative World dream fashion so I didn't recognize the neighborhood, except for the fact that it's like the neighborhood of my other dreams, with high foliage, less development and shattered sidewalks with few ramps.

It may sound cliche, but I remember a splintery, old-fashioned wooden door that seemed like it was part of an eating place. It was like a bar, but it could be innocent since everything in Negative World is run down.

I had a medical accident and ruined my entire collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards (not implausable, I take it places), and then missed half of my date with Mark and Dave, I think, and the other half I went to but I still suffered at. Maybe the splintered door was a bathroom stall; I think it was.

Either way, I then was in a bed in a very dark, wooden place and I had three arms; I was waking up. One of my arms was normal. The second arm had a death threat written on it, something against gay people; don't ask me why, it was half arm half cream-colored wood that had a threat written in blood on it. It had bears on it, so I think it's related to the debate on Serebii. The third arm was not yet visible in my dream, but I was holding it in terror as the dream sort of came apart and got darker.

I was definately scared that there was a vengeful message written on it; it was in two parts; my arm and the cord installed in it, and I was trying to cradle the arm. At this point I couldn't make out anything "written" on it, but I was terrorized and had it in my mind it was a hostage situation, and there was something after me that would stop at nothing, and I don't remember it as well now. At that point I woke up and realized it was my IV arm I was afraid for; I needed to get up, awake, sitting up, or the IV would bust and I'd have to get a new one.

Tonight the nurse found the fever quickly. She had to do a peculiar sort of blood test which I think is rather wise; she had to take blood from both arms, as I was shivering so it was at the time of the fever that they can test my blood. It was quite a lot of blood they needed for each arm. But she got the veins very nicely and it hurt little. No "digging" involved.

Me and tremoring have a past. I tremor a lot when I have a fever, but I've also done so when stressed, like academically or socially, or in chronic pain. Basically, it's such a basic symptom...it's hard to pin on anything. But in this case, it's probably the bacteria the kidney stone released when it was blasted. This is the third night in a row I've done it, and the doctor doesn't want to let me go until I go a night tremor-free.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29199209/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29199209/ Fri, 25 Dec 2009 18:07:03 PST
It's not about working to escape or stave off something; that has a poisonous nature of its own. I did want to escape from the hospital last time, which is understandable. But I'm not going to escape ever ever going to the hospital again. The only way I am going to avoid going to the hospital is working - and not just for my own benefit but for my moms and Mark, and for the people who suffer with me.

It's weird to say, but today on Christmas Day I got the present of waking up on the sixth floor of an expensive hospital, and working through my pain to swivel my legs around and stand up next to my bed with my computer. It feels just like it did before; I feel the warmth of making myself more healthy by putting forth the effort to be more physical. Moderation and physical labor are actually rewarding.

And this is a good present, because for a year I've been grappling with memories of what I've deemed to be an unfair disadvantage, being an invalid early, but now that I come back and confront this lifestyle again, I realize that the whole point is not about raging against death...it's about appreciating life. It's sort of transcendantal if you think about it.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29167551/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29167551/ Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:21:19 PST
I'm in house, up on the sixth floor of UCI. It feels like the good ol' working days when I'd put on my braces and stand up every day while watching TV. My mom's pretty sick of Animal Planet, but we have free movies and remote control Solitare on the TV to keep her company.

This is how I got my work ethic for the year; I remember now. I miss my old nurses, but the new ones are pretty special too.

I saw "Up". Nice touching story, funny at times. Leave it to Pixar to make a kids movie about being old. Where did they get the story from, anyway? An original story like that is a rarity nowdays.

I'm gonna be here tomorrow. I had a fever and they decided to admit me. Seems stupid to miss Christmas for a random fever when last time it was surgery. Suppose it's for a reason.

Got free payperview and TV solitare for my mother.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29109113/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29109113/ Tue, 22 Dec 2009 14:42:42 PST
Except, it's coming. Christmas Eve is coming. And that is when all of this cr@p will be over and the tube can come out and I can stand up without worrying that I'm going to pull the plug on my kidney, and then I can go on a walk, clean a bit, wrap some last minute presents and wake up to a sudden blitz of newfound wealth on Christmas Day!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Oh the fun I will have!

I guess I can finally tell Mark that I'm not an emotionless robot and that I AM looking forward to Christmas, but for different reasons than he is.

Hey, this is how I spent the Christmas of 04. I sure hope the annual "pulling of the kidney tube" doesn't become a COMMON holiday tradition.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29048839/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29048839/ Sat, 19 Dec 2009 20:36:41 PST
In my boredom I'm correcting my mom's mistakes with her Equality properties in algebra, and I've developed what I'm f*cking hoping is the last color system for Magicritters. It should be! What I did was develop 25 x 25 symbols for each of the twelve colors, and then eight 50 x 50 circles (mandalas, lens, whatever) to put them in, so there are 84 combinations in total. And each color type is the size of a dA avatar. Now I have a stockpile of possible avatars for my mood, and putting the color type into Excel should be easier and streamlined without sacrificing some sort of value. This system will persevere. It will, damn it! STABILITY WILL PRESERVE MAGICRITTERS!

<-- Example. There are 96 varieties of these. My avatar can change 96 times, but at least twelve of those times are considered vile so...I hope I don't do through those.

I called this avatar, "Anchor and Compass". I put Whitey's old Catforce symbol on the blue anchor, and the compass is about Pyritos' theme, and well, I just like the blue in red thing.

Gold and Spite:


I'm listening to a lot of JACK FM. Normally I listen to STAR, but at 5:00 in the morning STAR doesn't come through very well, so I had to turn it to JACK the morning of the procedure. Nice to be listening to old classics like Under Pressure, Eye of the Tiger and Synchronicity. It's weird how much I feel like I understand them nowadays, but only because they're part of something that I've gotten past.

Funny how you never know what happened in your life until you look back on it. Hindsight 20/20, I suppose.

Hey, those Avatar characters remind me of Andalites.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29023987/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29023987/ Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:12:35 PST
And I got my Winter CalGrant. My SSI requires that I don't have more than 2000 dollars in my checking account (stupid welfare logic, eh?) so I'll have to withdraw like 500 dollars to fit the new sum in. I was thinking of using that to buy a new digital camera. My current one has a broken zoom function.

Or should I save the 500 in a jar or something?

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29001807/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/29001807/ Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:16:30 PST
Cause UCI has made a terrific impression on me so far.

For the procedure yesterday, they didn't actually give me anastesia, they just put my under a bunch of Versed and Morphine, which drugged me a lot but I was still, y'know, talking and aware. That's pretty good! I specifically liked the new girl, Sasha, who was able to finally get my IV, and administered more Morphine/Versed whenever I asked. XD

And they WERE able to find my kidney. *happy*

And they let me be in whatever position I liked so I didn't blackout or have a postural seizure. *happy*

My nurse was nice. They had cable, only without Nickelodeon. *aww*

And the room service menu was awesome. I didn't expect that it would be better than Children's! The two menus are hosted by the same service, Sodhexo so they're almost the same. Only with the UCI menu:

- The breakfast menu is divided into sections, where you can pick only one item from each; so it must be pancakes or eggs with sausage or hash browns. This makes more dietary sense.

- There's a pasta bar with the possibility of alfredo sauce.

- There's more dinner entrees like Salisbury steak; the French fries are bigger and there's roasted red potatoes

- They actually have a glazed donut in the desserts list. A donut!

I was a little dazed from the time I got into my room to later in the night, when I sat up. When I sat up, all the blood came back into my head and it was like I woke up from something. That's when I realized that I just wouldn't feel good unless I moved around.

The surgery waiting room is nice and spacious, with attendants that look more like hotel bellhops.

This is pretty nice! *pulls the Governator by his shirt collar* NOW DON'T YOU DARE GET RID OF MY MEDI-CAL. I LIKE IT NOW.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28991714/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28991714/ Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:35:20 PST
Also, since the dragon hat faces backward, when they put me on my stomach in the operating table, the hat should be looking up at the doctors keeping an eye on them. Makes perfect sense to me!

Cool, Ethan agreed with all my points on the Homosexuality thread on SPPF.

-

Needles. Ugh. Let's do this thing.

Surgery is really a holy experience for me. You know, the whole driving in the dark in pajamas to get a needle in the hand/arm and then get sedated is pretty cult-ish. But I'm determined not to let it get in the way of the stuff I want to do on my Christmas vacation. Just find my kidney, Dr. Pick, and don't miss. Put me under a CT scanner FIRST I say. Give me a good reason to respect UCI tomorrow, unlike Dr. Defilipo or Dr. Bregan.

Ugh. I don't want to go to bed. But I have to.

...good night. ^_^

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28989126/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28989126/ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 20:26:54 PST
*sigh* I had a really productive day today to try and cram in activity at the last minute before the lazy-sick crunch between tomorrow and the 23rd.

My mom thinks I'm coming home for Christmas Eve-Day. I think I kind of agree with her. But I can't put down my worst expectations, I mean, c'mon, I'm entitled to them.

Imagine a me where all I want to do is work, and a surgery is just...annoying, rather than devastating. That's now. I just want to work on my room and Magicritters. That, at least, is better than the worst things.

Mark said his mom cried that she lost her son...Mark is acting like he's on his last thread of sanity just because his grandmother fell. No offense to him, but my godmother fell and hurt her face, my aunt got a respiratory infection, and all I did was go, "Aw man!" Filial piety is action to me. I dunno, my parents keep warning me that Mark doesn't have a life, so everything that happens is like the end of the world to him in the absense of anything else to think about. Come to think of it, I remember how that feels.

Ugh, may tomorrow pass quickly, and let me just get on with this freaking nephrology tube so I can spend six days picking out Yu-Gi-Oh cards to give to Mel (now I can put them in a stocking!) and play Mario. Oh, and helping my mom with her math. I'll be doing that mostly.

Oh, and Mel, Dave, if you guys want your Christmas presents, you have to visit me -_- sorry, don't worry, my tube will be under a blanket.

Oh Criss, keep me company with your atheism and rights videos.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28972721/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28972721/ Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:34:16 PST
Now it seems while they get less dialogue time and more action, still they do more sympathetic things that make them seem more human. Kimblee teaches Roy Mustang to look his enemy in the eye? I actually appreciate this Kimblee, at least in comparison to the false argument "people are only worth the ingredients to a bomb" Kimblee. Winry delivers a child and works for her living; that's neat. And I like seeing Hohenheim actually convulsing in confusion, crying, showing passion, rather than just looming there.

Not to mention the diversity of races makes it seem all the more real. It's just all the more touchy feely, this FullMetal Alchemist, more human. Even the homunculi actually love, sort of, here, and there's no struggle for relevance. Though there's many shades of grey in this one, when there's anger it's righgeous anger...and it feels all the better for it. Oddly enough, there's a bigger distinction between good and evil in this FMA, and none of it is color drained or vampiric. There was misanthropy in the first FullMetal Alchemist. There is vivid passion for humanity in this FullMetal Alchemist. It's almost like the moral antidote to its predessessor.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28971657/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28971657/ Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:22:46 PST
It's funny now, but then I just got angry, went in my room and locked the door. Bright side is, my hair's so messy she won't call my Hitler anymore. Now I'm Charles Manson.

Yesterday was my Pre-Op for the kidney stone operation. I was a little tense; my mom was hungover, so we did okay.

When we got in the doctor's office, I drew Magicritters on the examining table paper as usual. (That's how at least half of my magicritters are created, on examinining room table paper or on homework.) When surgeon Dr. Donald Pick came in, he swiped my pencil and drew a diagram of what he's going to do with me above the Magicritters.

Why are surgeons all so damn tall?! WHY?

Well, the diagram is none of your damn buisiness. But it involves shooting LAZORS through the tube they're putting in my kidney. This somehow entertains me to no end. And I had no problem explaining it to Mark by comparing it to his PSP Gradius game.

I'm starting to feel very comfortable talking to nurses and doctors. I believe soon I'll try to go to doctor's appointments myself. Dr. Donald Pick explained to me that one of the dangers of the kidney procedure is that he might miss and hit my large intestine. I explained to him that I have no large intenstine, and he's like, "Oh. Okay."

And I also explained to him to be careful where he punctures; I have a lot of scar tissue on my back, and look very well for my kidney, because it likes to move sometimes and resembles a gallbladder.

These were all explanations on the tip of Diane's tongue, but I beat her to it each time. I just need Dorothy to e-mail me my list of surgeries and medications and I can start my takeover of my own healthcare arrangements.

I feel the need to do this fast; for one, while I'm not in charge I end up looking bad because Diane and the doctors will be unpredictable in exactly what I am supposed to do, and for two, Diane's health is declining. Not that my own isn't, but I'm better off.

For three, my parents are disorganized and they can't make up their damn minds. When I was ten I used to get free McDonalds for every doctor's appointment; yesterday was a silently vicious fight between the three of us about where we were going to eat. My solution; I don't owe them a choice if I do the appointment myself. Then, because I'm the one getting the freaking tube installed in my side, I can eat at Quiznos if I like.

After that was Christmas shopping. I was out with Dorothy for the rest of the night going through the Montclair Plaza shopping at Borders and GameStop. I felt guilty for her waiting for me in the van so I bought everything as quick as possible. Got a teriaki chicken sandwich at the food court, that's the closest thing to Quizno's I could get, and it was good.

Then, feeling remorse for the fighting that day, I went up to the Chocolate Factory upstairs in the mall and bought two peanut butter bowls, a dark chocolate for Dorothy and a milk chocolate for Diane.

Diane is having terrible pain in her ankles as she walks, and her tongue infection hasn't gone away. It just sticks, like a terrible fungus. If I could cure her health I know all the kindness in the world would probably make a better impression on her, but I know better than anyone a sick person can be an angry person.

And Dorothy has commandeered the living room in order to do her algebra for college. I spent the rest of the night on the couch looking over her shoulder correcting her lapses in memory - over, and over - and over - and instead of a 55% percent on her quiz she got a 95% on her quiz.

Diane derides her for this, saying we can share her grade. Diane doesn't want to go to her blood tests and doctor's appointments alone, but Dorothy thinks it's a waste of time to take her; she balks at stuff like replacing the water in the water cooler saying her algebra is more important, and I had to consult her to reserve the living room - the entire living room - to visit with Mark tomorrow. Oh, and she owes me nothing after helping her get a 95% on her quiz. And Diane complaining about her pain? That's just DRAMA to her. Algebra dwarves all our petty little problems, like decaying health.

Aye.

At least I'm catching up on my perfect square forumlas by helping her do her quiz.

I'll update with one last journal before I get my kidney tube.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28934063/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28934063/ Mon, 14 Dec 2009 00:39:29 PST
Because you know, it's a tragic thing that we were friends and it came to that, but...I have to face that she abused me in the long run, and her actions are exactly as she describes my actions against her. "Abusive".

Just like the people calling others mean and sexist are usually the mean and sexist ones themselves. If you've got abuse on your mind, you've got it on your mind for a reason.

Using her full name is like saying Voldemort in its entirety. Breanna and Bree are different people to me. Breanna is a real person. Bree is my best friend - she likes to pose crucified on my laundry pole outside, and talks with me nearly every night.

I don't know her anymore. "Bree" is dead to me...only Breanna exists now. She has exhausted my ability to call her by her nickname.

Summoning Breanna to talk about our differences to create closure is not logical. It's like asking someone who flogged you to come back and help treat the scars.

Breanna - despite the fact that we both acted immature in argument - is a bigot in some ways. It's simply who she is - I have no doubt she'll probably grow out of it, but for herself, not for me. I can't convince her that she's the one in the wrong. Neither do I have to. This is my bruise to heal.

I don't have a reason to convince Mel that I'm right - I know she doesn't know the whole story and neither does she especially need to, it's just the easiest thing to remember pain and hypocrisy, and blatant immorality jutting out of places it shouldn't have. Since it's so easy, there's no reason I have to dwell on it. It's there. God put the facts there, I'll just confuse myself trying to review them over and over.

And worst of all is, Breanna has a special place in my heart that is just permanently empty until I die - Mark can't take that place, Mel can't take that place. Even when I find someone that I love again, they'll have a different place.

Just because she was seventeen, and a girl, does not mean she was doing it out of immaturity - she was doing it out of ideology. Not just opinion either. Opinion is your favorite color or your favorite food. Maintaining for a long time that marriage is a risk you just can't take, because men are predisposed to abuse, and then projecting that model on your best friend since nine years old, overcompensating for fear of predation by slapping and grabbing him in anger, and then blaming him for abusing you because he was having a hard time coping with his handicaps...that's ideology.

I can never promise for sure that I'll let this matter rest, because I as a handicapped person - I always tend to say sorry to the hand that hits me. I have been taught from birth to lay down and accept IV's and surgeries and blood tests, all sorts of mascochistic stuff. I've been taught to sacrifice.

It's arrogant for me to invade her space just to critisize her, but, just because I can't say it to her - just because I have to be grateful to what she did for me, doesn't mean that that I have to believe that I am the one in the wrong - the knowledge, the memories are all here, all straightened up and I don't need to believe what is wrong just cause I can't say what is true. That's my insecurity. Sometimes I feel like I can't be sure that she did anything wrong until I get her to admit it, and that shouldn't be necessary.

It's truly hurtful that Breanna has reduced herself to calling me an "actual stalker" since the matter goes deeeper and more heartful than she will ever admit. Even weirder is to read the comments on her journal of a dozen people who have no idea who I am or what happened and still call me a loser or damn me. And of course, it's weird to think that Wolffusion, who used to come to me to ask about Breanna, now damns me as well under the umbrella of harassment. No negative feelings allowed - they really make you look like a criminal. And after the insomnia journals and all the painkillers, the crime scene is all there and readily arranged for any psudo-intellectual to make a case that I'm an abusive guy.

But there's really no use in being offended by Breanna over and over again, cause I know where she stands, and she'll keep standing there. It's my job, however unfair (story of my life) to start walking forward even though I'm in a chair. That El Dorado, the Philosopher's Stone, someone who will be kind to me and compensate for my handicap like my parents - doesn't exist, not yet.

I think we came into each other's lives for a reason - there is no one simple Breanna and I were together, because we simply supported each other as necessary friends for years and all the things I imagined and all the Magicritters and all the LF stuff and Ultimania were because of her, and so was the reason I didn't lose hope while I was a teenager. Both of us... ]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28887681/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28887681/ Fri, 11 Dec 2009 17:21:22 PST
Males who have become misogynists because they don't get any, and -
in some cases adopt opressive religion arguments against women
Pro-choicers and the radical conservative base

Being such an angry, emotionally charged topic, people with ideological arguments usually get farther in arguments for or against the status quo of feminism.

Personally, I believe women and men should have access to everything across the board. But that's as far as I go on Feminism, because I get mentally agitated when I hear a girl strut saying Girls are Good and Boys are Bad.

I've been listening to Criss' videos on YouTube, all of which I find absolutely wonderful. Better than Stephen Colbert. [link]SdZlPKHpUQ&feature=related So I was like, COOL!, when I saw her video on Feminism. And I watched it, and I was absolutely amazed to hear an woman making an intelligent argument on Feminism...

So because I like to be fair, (and I like to know what the opponent's argument is so I can sabotage it) I clicked on one of Criss' rebuttals.

First thing the opponent said was, "I notice you used Warren Farrell as your source."

Crash. Boom goes Criss' "original" argument; I look on my bookshelf and see I own two books by Warren Farrell. I bought them on Amazon to try and recover the self-esteem Breanna battered out of me, about three months before she finally left. Critics of Warren Farrell's works note that he has no college degree of any kind in Psychology, despite the fact that he labels himself Ph.D...

So, I'm beginning to fear the prospect that masculinism is a fringe movement, still, and Warren Farrell is one of the only, if not THE only professional you can really cite on it...that saying you get your ideas from him is like saying you get your ideas from Alex Jones.

The three levels of "masculinism":

1. Calmly saying "hold on a minute", when someone starts including hate in their feminist argument, and retaining your civility and even chivalry; that's a good way to be masculinist. That's Farrell.

2. Saying that the Bilderburg Group wants feminism and homosexuality to prevail to deconstruct the modern family and precede a global eugenics program, that's going a little far. They may or may not, but with that argument you risk throwing out the baby (gay rights and male/female equality) with the bathwater (global imperalism). That's Jones.

3. Barking that women should get in the kitchen and make you a sandwich unless they want their hands chopped off...that's the bottom of the barrel. That's stupid.

When you're off finding kindle for a masculinist point of view...this is all the muck you have to sift through...unfortunately, I fear that on a public, national scale...the gems of it will rarely ever be seen.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28872618/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28872618/ Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:01:51 PST
Because, that's what my mom recommended the other day; she told me first, at least try SSI.

Unfortunately, the plan shifted and Mark told me that if his parents get laid off their jobs, they're going to get him on SSI and then use the money to run the house. Even if Mark got SSI and they had their jobs, he would just give the money away every month.

So the next best thing is job training with the Department of Rehabilitation. However, it's doubtful that Mark's parents will allow him to get formal job training and a real job if they want the money from SSI, because you can't have SSI and a reasonable job at the same time.

Mark "doesn't care about money" and he hates school, and he's going around telling everyone how much he wants to start drinking.

Moreover, Mark asked me if he sounds to me like a terrorist. Or, "man made disaster" as Obama would say. So, obviously, Mark is crippled with shyness, fear, and anger. Quiet anger. I told Mark just because you have hate in your heart doesn't mean you're dangerous. In the era of shootings and terrorists people are rather biased against the losers of the world, thinking they'll snap because they're jealous of someone else's success.

However, I don't believe Mark is a terrorist or a killer. One people get this idea that someone is insane and dangerous, they don't think about who they are and how they are kind.

My mother got on me for meddling in someone else's life, when she herself told the entire household, "Oh my gosh, it's my job to help Mark! I knew he was going to move in eventually!" and then must have repeated it five times that if you don't help a person who comes along one time, the same person will just keep coming to you over again.

However, Diane was drunk and she was talking shit. You know how I know this? Because when I came home today, Mark was dirt to her again. He might as well already be on cocaine in her eyes...he was every other charity case that she failed. And he was her brother, the one in jail, and her own developmentally disabled brother who abused her.

She told me, "You can't fix someone else's problems! If Mark doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be helped!" And then she listed all the charity cases in her life, and lauded Mark's "laziness", saying, at least all of her charity cases had the want to fix their lives.

Well, good job Mama. It's your job to help Mark deal with his developmental disability. But the DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED person says they don't want to help. Job over. Nothing we can do about it. Case closed. It's Mark's job. He's an adult, he knows what's going on, right? Oh wait...he's developmentally disabled. OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO SAY HE DOESN'T WANT HELP.

It's like telling a deaf person how to buy a hearing aid, and then wondering why they didn't follow your directions.

Great way to give up, Mama!

Maybe Mark's not lazy. Just maybe, when you were a young adult, we didn't have Playstations to provide the comfortable illusion that everything's alright. Of course Maria, Tim, and all them knew their life was bad and let you help them, because the alternative was a very real household hell, but Mark is one of those cases where he can hide behind his games!

Well, I'm not going to ram into Mark's life like a wrecking ball. I know the line between being his friend and his parent. I'm not going to lose another best friend like Breanna, who told me I wasn't her mother. I'm not idly lecturing Mark, and neither am I stalking him.

I printed out some papers. I gave him some advice. I talked him through all his rantings and drew paralells to what I printed out and told him what he can fix and how. Next I'm going to point him toward job training, but if that's impossible, then okay.

After I give him the tools and he doesn't care, doesn't bite...then I'm not going to be his shoulder to cry on. I'm not a fool. What I printed up is leverage for me now.

"Casey, I had a really bad day, I just need to talk to you for a few hours. I'm bored and my parents are making me clean and I don't have any money and my sisters hate me."

"I told you how to fix that."

"Forget about that Casey, don't worry about me. I just want to talk to you."

"If you want, I'll take you to the Department of Rehabilitation and we can sign you up for job training."

"I don't want to talk about that stuff! I just want to have fun."

"STFU up unless you want to go to job training, I ain't going to sit here on the phone listening to your man-whining anymore."

"But Casey -"... ]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28842698/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28842698/ Wed, 09 Dec 2009 10:36:47 PST
Eight pages of new material when I got home from the test!

I just ran into a snag. I can't include Lord Asriel as a villain because antimatter and dark matter aren't the same thing and I was hoping to lump Dust in with...antimatter.

Oh well. I am certainly making progress though. This story is certainly "bad" on more levels than the last one, but there's an undercurrent of sympathy and the good guys are more clearly visible.

Hoping to include as many scraps from the last few years as possible, even if they have to be random jokes.

--

Just finished another concept page of new Ultimania. I don't really necessarily want to put out a new skit, it's just how I deal. I went through and read the last volume completely and it brought me many lulz. Yeah, I was laughing at my own jokes. I was pretty bored.

Whenever I think of Ultimania, I think, oh yeah, that public way I shamed Bree as a foul demon enemy of the lord. But going through it, I think I made at least as much fun of myself, and of course Dave, and even Mark! In fact I think I made more fun of people's machismo...no girls were harmed in the making of Ultimania. I think the only thing that shames me is the Bree's Reflection/Fighting Fish act, which is possibly the most ballsy (lack of a better word; possibly "jerk") thing I've written about Breanna. "YER SO COMBATATIVE YOU'D KILL YER OWN REFLECTION! AND YOU HAVE THE BRAIN OF A FISH, HURHURHUR." Yet, that was the funny midpart of the skit, and Bree was the one who portrayed herself that way for a year prior...so...I think we were both in the wrong. But I should apologize. And this is me doing it.

To no one in particular, considering I'm an "actual stalker" who Bree wants out of her life. Soo...yeah, um, sorry I'm a rude fugitive? Yeah there's really no going back on that sort of thing.

In the absense of, you know, a life, Ultimania might be a good way to vent my cloistered ramblings. But who knows. Making fun of people and situations and talking about my feelings isn't actually very comfortable to me anymore! I'd rather just clean or take a walk. I'm evolving into a less talk more action masculine figure. Who wouldv'e thought. If I can just finish my math final and get to cleaning my room, I might just say screw it to Ultimania.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28809858/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28809858/ Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:29:41 PST Below, a fertile valley spread, with barns and the orchards of summer,
Behind, the terraced sides of a mountain, abrupt, in places rising high,
Broken, with rocks, with clinging cedars, with tall shapes dingily seen
Numerous campfires scattered near and far, some away up on the mountain
The shadowy forms of men and horses, looming, large-sized, flickering
And over all, the sky - the sky! Studded, out of reach, breaking out
The eternal stars

I made a good day and then had it. Got an -A on my performance of this poem, and a perfect score on my Farewell to Manzanar paper in California History!

Then I came home and found out that my kidney stone operation actually starts on the 17th, then I'll go home with a kidney tube, and come back on the 23rd for the operation. That's a dampener, but, oh well, I really didn't expect an on-the-date home for Christmas thing this year anyway. There's still the presents. And I'm sure my aunt and my mom will be there for me in the hospital, which I have no way of knowing will be long or short.

But both of those classes are over, Poetry, and California History. I really want to clean, and I hope the new FMAB episode comes out soon.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28796368/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28796368/ Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:19:12 PST
[link] (Regional Center)
[link] (SSI - Supplemental Security Income)
[link] (Independant Living)

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28772173/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28772173/ Sat, 05 Dec 2009 18:00:06 PST
He was all absorbing Inuyasha's soul and Inuyasha was crying blood, and Kagome was all trying to get him out of the temple by shooting arrows at the wall, but then Inuyasha heard Kagome yelling for him and broke free of the Flower Prince's vines and then Kagome took off her demon protection and put it on her arrow and broke the wall with it and the Flower Prince tried to absorb HER soul and Kagome was all like, "You like looking into people's hearts?! Well then you must have seen what was in mine!" and then like, shot the Flower Prince and finished him off!

That was me being completely immature. And this is me being immature s'more.

And then Inuyasha was all like, "Well I saw Kikyo and she wanted me to follow her into death," and Kagome's all like, "Did you want to?" and he's like "but I didn't." and she's like, "THAT DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION." And then Inuyasha's like, "I know I'm suffering but I'm sorry I never think of you," and Kagome's like, "Well good answer." Then Inuyasha's like "How are you so strong, Kagome?" And Kagome gets REALLY MAD like Inuyasha should just be grateful that she didn't let the Flower Prince just eat him right there and says "You mean how can I be so kind?!"

It was fun to watch. And there's a new wintery ending too!

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28770738/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28770738/ Sat, 05 Dec 2009 16:37:29 PST
First time I met Robert, it was during Dave's freshman year at Village. He was driving Dave to the theater so we could see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I never talked to Robert personally, but I know he took care of my friend the best he could.

It seems like people are always dying or getting sick nowadays, as well as ourselves. I feel this is a call to action to take care of ourselves and forge on with our lives. All we can do is remain strong and seek to improve our lives, and work together to help each other in any ways we can. Someday all of our parents are going to leave us to our own lives which are still just developing. :/ Dave met this destiny sooner than any of us and it must be for a reason. I've always known Dave to be very self-sufficient. Dave says he's living in Robert's house now. Maybe he doesn't have to worry about having a place to stay anymore. If you need any help Dave, I'm here.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28751593/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28751593/ Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:44:56 PST
I'm predisposed to think that's when Ron got splinched.

Didn't go to Poetry this morning, instead I slept in until...three o'clock. I know what you're thinking huh, that's really lazy. Well, I'm thinking that. There was just no way I was going to make it though. My side was killing me. At the beginning of this quarter I was scared that I wouldn't make it through a regular workweek; later I realized I could do it with a quarter of Norco maybe twice a week; now I can't take Norco and I have to realize, I have a limit...

The stance on homosexuality thread on SPPF was closed. Kinda sad since it was the most popular, active thread. One guy came on to argue that homosexuality is a disorder, and we all pelted him with our best arguments; finally the creator of the thread, Fused, called him a troll and told us to stop responding to him. I suppose that's what made Ethan close the thread. After all, the debate was still civil. Yet Ethan came on and called Fused a basketcase, telling him that the dissenter was not a troll, just someone with a different opinion - then he closed the thread.

I have a feeling he'll open it up again. Otherwise someone will just make a new one or bump the transgender thread. The topic is not going away from public discourse. Unless he wants to make a ban on talking about it at all, like what they do with talking about the fifth generation of Pokemon.

Heeey, there's a Harry Potter trailor, when is Pokemon going to come out with a 5th generation character?

EDIT: This is it. I've had it. Mark breaks down -mind you, with me, so it's my buisiness- and his aunt takes him to a seven-year old's train theme park? Disgusting! I'm going to research 1) SSI and 2) Regional center or some sort of training for disabilities...

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28742878/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28742878/ Fri, 04 Dec 2009 08:53:52 PST
First experience of trying to comfort a friend while they were crying yesterday. Mark and I were walking around the Arts Colony last night, and we saw that paradigm broken couple; a woman walking her five year old kid down the street and a man across the block waving a bottle saying "Get over here! I love you! We have stuff to do tomorrow!" and the lady yelling back to buzz off and leave her alone. The man followed Mark and I for an entire block trying to keep up with the lady on the other side of the street.

I could handle it a little better than Mark. It affected both of us, but Mark panicked and said someday a girl is going to use him and then hate him so much she'll put him in jail. Then he affirmed that he's a monster, and someday, someone will be offended so much that he will end up in jail.

I told him there are only three things that would make me call the cops on Mark; Murder, Rape, or Robbery. He laughed.

Then God stepped in for me (Mark asserted this and I agree) and a long train came past, double stacked, right as Mark had prayed a few minutes before and we both shouted praises for like ten minutes straight.

Hmm...I have thirty minutes to get ready to go for class. I know if I tell my mom I'm skipping because I'm in pain she'll tell me to eat a pot cookie and get over it. But frankly, if I have to be in pain I don't want to be high at the same time. Um...well not much else I can write. Ciao.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28718902/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28718902/ Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:50:15 PST
And if Mel and Mark were to come over we could all play, but I dunno if Mel likes Mario Bros. very much.

Yeah, my favorite color is red again, just like when I was a kid. Second one is blue.

Do I seem more masculine now? That's funny, maybe it's cause I go about things more straightforward and curse now? Men wear pink nowadays anyway.

Anyway...what else was I getting on to say?

Grammar ends tomorrow.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28701261/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28701261/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 22:26:35 PST
That and I had the audacity to schedule and go through with my own blood test today, unsupervised, and them schedule my own surgery...unsupervised...still can't wrap myself around that.

I might just skip History tomorrow. I don't know why I would need to attend, there is no homework due and it would be more productive just to stay home and study for Grammar, and even then, History. I might just try to go to as little school as possible tomorrow.

That's my whining session for today. I think it probably wasn't so bad today.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28694100/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28694100/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:48:29 PST [link]

It looks like the place is a knockoff of SPPF. Only like an evil twin. The first response to my post wrote as if all Muslims are terrorists, and when I went into the homosexuality thread, the prompt simply read, "I think homosexuality is wrong, what do you think?" Something to that effect.

In stark contrast SPPF's homosexuality thread was actually started by an objective gay person and requires scientifically documented evidence or philosophical musing, almost a tl;dr on every post. (safe haven for argumentative me <3)

I wonder why the SPPF knockoff wanted my topic. Was someone trying to say something about the word Terrorist but didn't have the right words?

Today I had this brilliant idea to write about the many pitfalls of the word Terrorism - as if I could cover all of them. I'm a tad too late anyway, considering Obama already took out the word from national conversation and turned "terrorism" to man-made disaster.

Course, many warhawks people think that's showing a sign of weakness. Integrity or nonviolent intention is viewed as such sometimes.

I think I was just aching for something to write about that's not part of the curricula. I'm going to artistically burst like a dam after finals are over, and I can relax and stop studying my ass off.

Oh, that...er...medical physical operation involving my kidney and the disruptive buildup within is scheduled for Dec. 23. Make your Christmas presents good. XD There's a chance I might be home for Christmas, albeit during an interlude with a stent coming from my kidney, but home.

The other day I found myself in the odd position of defending a gay person who condemns "homosexual acts" trying to invoke personal liberty and freedom of opinion. I wasn't really helping my pro-gay rights comrades, who, after the one gay-but-not-in-practice person were suddenly surrounded by a bunch of anti-gay rights writers. Exciting! I don't condone bigotry, but I couldn't help but looking down on everyone for laughing at the guy. I think bigotry and other such unsavory things should be protected under free speech. Everybody keeps talking about the universal betterment of humanity - and this just, really, disgusts me. I mean, they're considering homophobia a mental disorder these days. There's a line between being a good person and being a benevolant dictator. Find it and stay behind it...

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28640294/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28640294/ Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:13:40 PST
Next on Inuyasha: Inuyasha is sullen after Kikyo explodes (into balls of starlight) in his arms, and wanders into the clutches of a flower demon who pollinates him, trapping him in constant dreams of Kikyo!

(Could anyone blame me for taking that apart metaphorically? I mean cccccommmeonnn...)

Kagome will explode next. She can't possibly have THAT much tolerance.

Okay, so today I copied all the math I did on my mirror on Veteran's Day into an even nicer format on Microsoft Word, and typed up some notes that I neglected to do during the quarter. These notes still have to be precise and exceptional, because I'm lending them to my mom Dorothy for Intermediate Algebra.

Tomorrow I really have to pile on grammar, in the morning likely, and then tackle the greater Mathzone problems, oh the HORRIBLE Mathzone problems in the night. I can have my book open and everything, and be working on the corresponding notes with those problems as I do them, even using the Mathzone ones as examples.

Then, tomorrow in Poetry, I have got to come up with a theme for my Thematic Explication that's due on Friday. I think I'll beg my classmates, and then go to Professor Corley and get it approved - who cares if I was supposed to have a theme already...

My mother Diane walks around talking of her funeral. By her logic, the infection should be going down her throat. The medicine is not curing her tongue. I suppose though, that it's taking its sweet time, baffling her as to why she is not sick as a dog yet.

I sort of know how that feels...I think, my poem "terror is an awful lot like love" was actually written for her, clandestinely, although I did mean for it to be about me. I mean, it's frustrating enough, when you come close to dying. But once you do...you don't forget that experience, and especially with the daily hardship you face it reminds you again, and again, and the preoccupation you have with it really starts to resemble lovesickness, according to how aggrieved you get...

You know, this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the style of life that I've had this past quarter of school. It has been really fun! The hard work aside, I'm thankful for the SoBe drinks, and my fedora, and my kind professors, and the fact that at least twice when I was preoccupied with a poem, my History teacher forgot to post the homework. And of course the fact that both FullMetal Alchemist and Inuyasha are back, and it's even more enticing to watch them on Hulu and stuff. I haven't seen or done stuff with many of my dA friends this quarter, and it did get maddening, going through the week dry, without a friend in sight, but there's a certain quality to roughing it with junk food. So I guess I'm really thankful for the college life, and the poetry, and the counseling. It's been a good quarter, and it still is.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28591536/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28591536/ Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:41:14 PST
"Nah," I said, "Thanksgiving is okay but not big to me. There's good food but not always fun."

"Then what can't you wait for, Casey? Christmas?"

"I'm not waiting for anything...I'm just glad I have a vacation to relax. I have a surgery going around Christmas so I'm not exactly waiting for much."

That's not true completely I guess. I am waiting for finals to end so I can enjoy some Christmas Vacation, but that'll end too when I go to surgery, so really, I don't want to stake my faith on anything. Just enjoy what I'm doing, right now.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28578334/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28578334/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:53:33 PST
DVD: Angels in America, HBO Miniseries (both parts)
Wii: Third Wiimote
FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Soundtrack
DS Game: Super Collapse
DS Game: Spore
Book: Confessions of an Economic Hitman
Book: Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Has Undermined America
Book: You Are STILL Being Lied to: The New Disinformation Guide...
Pure Colored Fedora: Pink, Black, Neon Blue, or White (with black bands)

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28521111/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28521111/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 01:30:52 PST
]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28499485/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28499485/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:08:58 PST
I guess that cut-Ultimania joke where I compared Bree to Kikyo is anachronistic now...anyway, good night.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28492730/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28492730/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:17:31 PST
Leave it to a Taurus to go to great lengths to talk back.

I know she's going to ban my new dA account in no time - this was just a temporary measure. I used it to leave this super-long message on her profile:

Unban me from commenting on your dA account.

1. I CREATED IT FOR YOU.
2. I uploaded some of your deviations myself.
3. A quarter of your gallery is filled with deviations based on my ideas.
4. How can you justify censoring your old best friend from your account just so he doesn't bother you with his problems?

My spirit is in here and it will stay whether it bothers you or not!

MAYBE I am projecting all my problems on you - but while I work on trying to stop doing that, would it kill you to give me a little consideration, seeing how I nearly lost my life twice while still trying to be your friend? That shook me up a little! It was you who "unplugged me" (an offensive analogy for someone on life support at the time) for the good of your personal being! WTH? Whether you are a good person or not doesn't depend on my absense! That depends on what's in YOUR heart! You don't have to use me as your sacrificial moth so the backyard gods will give you a new personality, if you know what I mean. It's all in your heart already. You can be a good person with the power of your heart and still spare some time to talk to me.

*ruffles papers*: But I digress. Here's my message:

This is SunshineCasy , from Lunar-Fusion. I have been banned from commenting on Rodentruler's account.

I infinitely appreciate all the sweat and toil and the late nights she devoted to these art pieces, and much love goes out to her for how she thought of me. These 50 deviations are comprised of her hard work and to varying degrees, my idea(s), and that's why I should still be able to comment on them, our brainchildren:

These are pertaining to Lunar-Fusion, Magicritters, The Dragon's Corona, Ultimania, and random conversational memes:

Margaret
Cassandra and Miles
Octangular Mr. Giggles
Casey's Octangular Fault

<-- Gavlabla AKA Mr. Giggles is a "Spity" from Magicritters
Wii Play Hard
.:WE ARE THE FIRST:.
The Way: Chroma and Vera
Fidel AKA Tcheczesectial
Valentine's Dischord
ULTIMANIA: Ultimadam
ULTIMANIA: Ultimark
Mr. Woodcock
Give Me Back My Drink...
A Hazy Shade of Winter
Melting the World With You
Tradition's Death
Palkia of the Gate
Tsangua of Necromancy - Neo
Tsuma of the Deepest - Neo
Torchma of Wit's End - Neo
Terrama of Faultlines - Neo
Twistma of Tongues - Neo
Homunculicious
FU Blue Mew
Daddy's Arm
Gluttonous Gushing Giggles
Star Zandrai
Gizma and his Cuttlefish
Ceretia
Spinma's Chainsaw Massacre
Lunar-Fusion Pub
Hypnoseparation Chat
Lunar Fusion's Chat
Spinma Character Chart
Wonder Sunwaru
Gizma to Sunwaru
Gizma
Casey X Reptile
Vera and Chroma
Valentine's Disaster
Chibi Sunwaru
In the Dead of Night
Casey and Bree, Full Body Pic
Sunwaru and Morini
Child of the Thorn
Chibi Expriment
Casey
Me and Casey Fluffys Capture
Casey and Me

If you hide this message and refuse to talk to me, Bree, with God as my witness I'll resort to snail mail. XD

-------ORIGINAL JOURNAL---------

Looks like I've been banned from commenting on Bree's page and send... ]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28491298/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28491298/ Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:22:47 PST
What is on your wrists right now?

Ensuing carpal tunnel. I can imagine a butterfly needle stuck right through THERE.

What does your hair look like right now?

Like I haven't taken care of it in weeks.

What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?

Truthfully I like hot chocolate more, but hot apple cider is better on a cold morning.

Your phone rings, what do you say?

I hate the phone...

Can you speak another language?

Nope.

How are you feeling?

Grateful toward Super Mario Bros Wii for distracting me while my inner adult goes on a rage rampage in my head, procrastinating moving forward on psychological counseling and a kidney surgery...like hell.

Is there anyone you trust 100%?

Honestly, everyone I know at some time has given me cr@p. Closest I come is Diane or Mark - they're great human beings, otherwise I trust myself the most.

Day been rough?

Not today actually, it's only my incompetance that slowly poisons each day to set myself up for failure. Today was good, I had a hot dog and egg burrito and played Wii all morning.

Will you be in a relationship in the next month?

I sure hope not.

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?

*checks myself* Nope.

What made your day today?

Nothing.

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?

Nope.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

I have several but they're not making me smile.

Last place you went to that took more than 15 minutes and when?

I went to school yesterday.

Has anyone said they loved you today?

My mother. <3

What are you thinking about right now?

How to get more time before I have to watch Slumdog Millionaire with my mom.

Is there one person you love more than anyone?

No.

Are you missing someone?

I miss Bree, when she was more stable and not an emotional wreck. It happens to all of us, I guess.

Are you tired?

Of living, sometimes.

Who was the last person you told you loved them?

My mom.

Have you ever woke up next to someone and were creeped out?

When I was young, I had a tendancy of getting up from bed and sleeping in the living room, but one night I woke up, and my mother was sleeping next to my bed, so I couldn't get out.

When was the last time you felt upset?

When was the last time I didn't?

What do you want right now?

A full-body irrigation. It would be helpful in so many ways.

Why do you think people kiss with their eyes closed?

I think people can sleep better when they're in love. It releases chemicals that you need for your body to relax.

Would you kill a hobo for $1,000,000,000

Are you assuming that a hobo loses his pricelessness as a human being just because he doesn't contribute to the destructive nature of society?

How's your heart lately?

It's still got a good constitution, but that's being tested all the time. Every day I try and do something to reinforce it, waiting for the next big tragic disaster.

If you were upset who's the first person you would want to go to?

I am upset, and I don't really trust anyone. Honestly, if I confide in anyone, it's for my own purposes and not so they can directly help me. I have to use people in a way that they end up helping me, because only I know what I need.

Are you wearing anything black right now?

Nope.

Ready for kids?

A little more than a few years ago, oddly enough. I'm tons better at goldbricking which goes over with the kids great.

What's one thing you do when you're mad?

I have the intense feeling to hurt myself so I can go to the hospital, which will effectively stop time for me and give me some time to think about it and cool off. Unfortunately this totally reasonable fantasy sounds more like suicidal thoughts.

Ever been called a bitch?

Yes, several times by Mark.

Do you like where you live?

Yes, actually.

How often do you lose your voice?

Actually I lost it for the first time ever the other day, in an asthma attack that I couldn't treat.

How many kids do you want?

^If you're willing to kill a hobo for money, you don't have the moral integrity to raise kids.

Are you a good babysitter?

A mediocre one, I think.

Hows your mood?

Neutral.

Do you have a job? =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28475078/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28475078/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:55:19 PST
]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28459906/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28459906/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:22:59 PST
And the two-player, oh the revolution of finally in what ten-twenty? years getting to walk alongside one another during your journey through Mario World freely. You know I really wonder why they couldn't have done that sooner. It's really fun. My mom and I had fun stomping enemies and battling with Yoshis together. Since it's so casual and easy to do, it's easier to get her to play.

Anyway, I like it.

I got a three pack of foil wrapping paper at Target to start my Christmas shopping. Somehow I actually managed to sneak it past my parents without them noticing.

Poor Mark. Today at HomeTown Buffet we talked about what it means to be a man. Yes - Mark and I, talked about what it means to be a man. He says it's hard. His father is a cheating, lazy bum and his mother and two sisters drain his money dry. He's really stuck, and it's draining his emotions dry.

It's obvious too. His sister goes to college, has a car, a job, Mark does chores around the house. His little sister goes to raves, expiriments with drugs, has a boyfriend, he does chores around the house. His mother goes to work for half the day while his sisters live their happy, flamboyant life, he does chores around the house. His father makes him tape shows for him and threatens to throw him out of the house if he doesn't stay to do it. He does chores around the house.

Come to think of it, that's not a man. That's a beast of burden.

I think he might feel, but he doesn't want to admit, that his PS3, his Blossom doll, and all the things that relax him are the things keeping him tethered to the house. Enablers. He needs to get up, go to school, apply for a job on his own, act as an independant adult and tell his mother no.

But when he got out of high school, he went to work at the Travel Agency office as a security guard. He was exposed to fist fights, drug busts, and prostitution. He put out a bathroom fire. He acted heroically sometimes and fell apart other times. Honestly, I feel humbled in his presence. I don't blame him for the way he acts. I'm just glad that, in taking me to HomeTown Buffet or replacing his Blossom doll batteries, he feels more confident about his abilities every day.

Anyway - our idea, which we agreed on is that what man is meant to do is take care of the people we love. However, we are not truly men if those people do not take care of us in return. We become...something else. Like Gremlins. Don't feed them after midnight or expose them to alcohol. XD

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28441818/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28441818/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:22:50 PST
1st prize -

Mark is distraught again, because his uncle's best friend crashed his motorcycle through their garage door and died a grisly death, while his uncle, his uncle's girlfriend, and daughter were at the house. Mark, fortunately chose that day not to visit his uncle. Poor Mark only takes death harder whenever it happens. Everytime someone he knows of dies he's afraid that I'll go next. I told him I probably won't be crashing a motorcycle any time soon, but we're going to Home Town Buffet tomorrow to Carpe' Diem it up just in case.

2nd prize -

My mother, Diane is upset that her taste buds have suffered so much from her annual respiratory infection that she's permanently lost her sense of taste. So far KFC, Chinese Food, and BLT's are some of the only things she finds satisfying still. In today's advanced world of cusine, this is a horrific fate only second to going to the ER because you're not getting enough air into your brain, or falling out of a jeep on the freeway, both of which she has done.

3rd prize -

My mom Dorothy Typically when mail doesn't fit in the mailbox, our mailperson throws it over the fence. A good mailperson who isn't stressed or resentful that their boss is working overtime will do more than just drop the oversized parcel the fence behind the mailbox. Our mailbox is cemented into a metal bucket on the ground which occasionally collects water from watering the grass. When my mom Dorothy went out to check the mail, she found the 8.5 x 11 envelope half-soaked in the bucket. What was in the wet envelope? Her diploma from the University of Pheonix. Diane and I are proud of the calm way she lodged a complaint with the post office over it.

See I'm not negative at all. I'm sympathetic. ;D And proud. My parents are strong, and my friend Mark is loyal and resilient. And I'm incredibly lucky to have such people in my company. Here's some people who don't have it nearly as bad as they make it out to be:

4th prize -

I got to Poetry this morning only to hear my classmates' conversation about their tastes in Morrisey, Killers, Shiny Toy Guns, and Adam Lambert segway into describing how much they hate Poetry class. "This is a waste of time. If I honestly thought I would get any credit for coming to class today, I would, but all we do is listen to people perform." Another girl: "It wouldn't be so bad if Professor Corley didn't put so much empahasis on performance. If I wanted to perform I'd take a Public Speaking Class." I hope she took a Public Speaking Class, since it's a required undergraduate course for English Majors, and I'm the only undergraduate in the class and I've already taken mine. Halfway through his Walt Whitman lecture, Professor Corley told them, "If you want you're welcome to leave. For the rest of the quarter." The two men talking behind his back gave them a formal apology at the end of class. Personally I love how relaxed Poetry is - it's first thing in morning, Professor Corley is funny, and we can choose the days when we have to do work, so there isn't even a big workload to do. And they'll miss this sort of class in a year when every class is double its size, furloughed, and American Poetry is cut in the budget crisis because it's not required.

Actually I really like American Poetry, maybe because I'm a poet. I'm surprised music lovers are so opposed to performing a poem dramatically, since you know - that's what muscial artists do. And I just admire Professor Corley. I visited his office hours to get some help on my explication, and saw this huge framed puzzle of the Tower of Babel above his computer. The Tower of Babel is the international symbol of language enthusiasts, and no doubt one of the symbols in Sigma Tau Delta.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28432875/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28432875/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:30:41 PST
Looking back, I think it might have been a rash decision to express myself to the counselor. My emotions are like, alien now, I feel weird in my own skin. If it's true that I was employing compulsions to take care of myself emotionally, it's bad to take them away right before finals week at CP...it's like pulling the knife out of a wound before you have the opportunity to bandage it.

I had a dream yesterday, where I was thinking about my classes, noting the way Grammar trees dictate a sentence, and I was explaining to myself, "See, everything, everything has to be right." It was like a nightmare, in the way that I woke up and realized it was true. I finally believed it was the right thing for me to crucify myself for other people. I was trying to make the way I talk to people a science, like Grammar or Algebra. Only right and wrong answers. Only the light of reason, never the dark.

If I continue like this, I'll run into a brick wall and need the psychologist more.

It's not my fault though; people are just TOO DAMN TOUCHY sometimes, so a charade is in order for pretty much everyone I know, or they'll get offended. Like Professor Corley says; we market our own brand of bullshit to everyone.

It's sad though, that I don't think I'll sincerely want it any other way. I really want to please people, and that's the truth. But that's my dysfunction; the other truth is that sometimes I really want to strangle them. No amount of protocol will ever convince me to never be negative.

And if folks can't put up with that, then I guess I just continue along my lonely path.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28425333/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28425333/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:43:16 PST
It's lovely, just lovely. At least my mother says she doesn't seem to be coughing up Aspergillus, just regular cold flem. Dorothy's slowly getting in a weirder and weirder mood, probably thinking that she's going to have to go to the hospital again. She insisted yesterday during watching Big Bang Theory that "You'll die in the hospital, I just know it" after Diane was talking about accident insurance. Everything's pretty morbid. Fortunately Big Bang Theory was hilarious.

Mom is hanging on my every word, trying to shove it down my throat that I need new friends. She takes every opportunity to remind me. She finds it a personal annoyance that I get on the phone with Mark, and say perfectly intelligent stuff that goes over his head, and I have to explain everything to him.

I do sort of feel out of place here. I regularly post political or sociological stuff on here that sort of soars over people, and I'd sort of like someone to talk to on my own level. However, that's why I'm biding my time to raise my GPA so I can join Sigma Tau Delta, the English fraternity.

But it doesn't change the fact that right now, I'm nearing miserable. Doing well miserable, sort of, but it's not too fun going through classes and doing the work without talking to one of my friends in the night or going somewhere with at least Mark during the week. And I have the kidney stones and the cold to boot which makes it hard to move. Saaaaad.

And damn it, I still need to schedule that blood test for my kidney surgery. It's been weeks practically. I thought my mom was going to schedule it at the same time as hers but she's been too busy trying to figure out what she's able to eat with a mouth infection, I guess.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed...g'night imaginary public audience.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28394489/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28394489/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:06:27 PST
]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28383610/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28383610/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:47:18 PST
Last part is roughly an estimate of what I thought, but the truth is I don't think I had a solid conclusion.

In other words, to an artistic personality like me, something that has been done already, or is already within the constructs of reality is essentially dumb. I'm here to express new things.

So it's fortunate, this year, that to make sure I don't go nuts with artistic merit, that I have Math and Grammar to keep me in check. Sometimes I just need some mind-numbing non-imaginative exercises to to keep me sharp and not madden me. Sort of like TV.

Poetry, for me is a roughly technical thing too. However, these days I leave my poems off on an opinion, rather than describing in detail many ways in which one can die or go insane, which is what I used to do...it makes for a happier climate.

Psychologically, it's called an immune response to terror.

I'm going to buy and sell a whole bunch of stuff on Tuesday. I'm going to buy Super Mario Bros. Wii, possibly a new DS game. And I'm going to get a Red Eyes Wyvern online now that the price has gone down, and while I'm at it get some new Cat cards for my feline deck.

I like shopping. I don't want to like shopping but it is a defense mechanism. And I'm trying to do it as sharply as possible by shopping online for certain cards, and trading in my old games for the new ones:

Here's what I've deemed eligible to get rid of:

Harry Potter 5, Wii
Wonderworld (tentative)
Sonic Adventure, DS
Pokemon Ranger

I've realized I don't really care about Manaphy. Pokemon Ranger is just too dull to make me want to get it.

Let's see...what are the other things on my mind. Oh yeah, my mom is being rough but I'm going to adhere to what she says cause I know she's having a hard time. And I've decided the conspiracy site that I frequent, is alas, part of the conspiracy. I wonder where I got that idea from. It flourishes by catching clear-minded people, or blank slates who simply want to know the difference between good and evil, and blasts them with paranoia rhetoric, just like V - thus, it is molding people into those who will be paranoid, for the Democrats and Republicans to call, rightly, paranoid - and is just another instance of social engineering.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28363914/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28363914/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:20:21 PST
]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28363506/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28363506/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 21:48:33 PST
]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28333913/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28333913/ Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:14:56 PST Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind -

1. Capitalized Tersms: "Circuit", "Success", "Lightning", "Children".

Use of "our" and to whom the poem is talking to and who is delivering it.

Note: We are both called infirm (sick, disabled) and Children. The speaker is condscending to herself and her audience, as humans. You can't handle the truth unless I tell it slant.

However, the audience is also talking about herself. She cannot handle the truth unless...she tells it slant? Error. Internal conflict. Is Emily talking about the human race's ability to handle the truth, or merely her own?

We know the answer to this question. 1) Her own. She is aggrandizing her conflict to the stage of all of humanity, so - 2) They are no different. At the instance of poetic discourse, her fate is metaphorically synchronized with that of EVERYONE. Trust me...it takes one to know one.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28323665/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28323665/ Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:14:38 PST
This is what Dr. Phil likes to call "not getting it". Not understanding that a) work fixes stuff, b) not working damages stuff.

If I worked harder, right now, I could raise these grades to B's, have my kidney stones crushed through exercise instead of surgery, write my novel, write stuff on dA, database the Magicritters, really! I might even come up with the biggest Master Revelation+Plan to get Bree back as a friend, provided I keep working hard enough to make it worth her time. I can do anything if I just...crush this computer...with an ICE PICK...

Actually that's not true, a lot of the time I consider myself doing nothing I'm actually writing pages and pages to/about Bree in attempts to come up with the SUPER SPECIAL RIGHT WORDS that will change her mind. I bet there's about twenty pages on it, of me trying to a) not sound so angry, b) sympathize with her problems, c) be stern and hold my ground d) Reason that friendship can change into not being abusive just as easily as it can change into being abusive and I actually have a pretty watertight reason for going nuts, considering my several near death experiences and going through life-changing bodily reconstruction.

However, nothing I write will really heal the impression of her I have. For instance, I had a dream the other day that I wrote to her and put all my effort into reconciliation, only for her to tell me that she unilaterally hates men and hopes to die, herself, because she loathes the human race.

Well, here comes the contingency plan for doing nothing: Vicoden. Yeah, it's for the kidney stones.

This weekend I have to do some intense studying for Math, Grammar, and History, and shortly after I have to begin my Thematic Explication and Final Performance for Poetry.

Come Sunday I'm going to go buy a copy of Super Mario Bros. Wii, and if Mark isn't sick, play it with him. He doesn't know it, but he likes side-scrolling Mario Bros. whether it's new or old...

And I really hope Graham Cracker gets better soon, not only for the lovable orange chow's sake, but because my mom is in the worst mood she's been in, in a while. She gave me and Diane the finger the other day...

You know what? I think I'll finish tonight with what I was thinking of this morning: doing a short autobiography, focused on less known facts about me...that the internet and big brother just NEED to know...great, now I've ruled that out too! I can't even have fun doing nothing!

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28318763/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28318763/ Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:35:40 PST The Dragon's Corona...or whatever it's called.

My writing is a lot different this year. When I set out to write Charles the Spider, I focused on the perspective of each character and how they interacted, essentially donning an odd fusion of omniscent and first-person point of view; everything at once. That was well recieved.

Well, I don't want to stop doing that, but when I make everything about perspective and motive, it starts clashing with the clandestine story. That's what my new focus is - the ongoing story. And to some point I'm welcoming back the focus of Children of the Stream and Magicritters, DIALOUGE. All hail dialogue.

TDC characters were rather undeveloped before, and by explaining their thoughts and motives for everything, it made it more of a silent movie and didn't even allow room for bouncy dialogue. It was tedious. Now I'm hoping to define dialogue where thoughts aren't enough, and thoughts when dialogue isn't clear.

Once I can wield all these elements in harmony, the result should make for good reading.

Friendship and exercise seem to work in combatting that futility that I can feel sometimes. If I had nothing else to live for, I should at least respect this body by letting it live for something.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28303565/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28303565/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:22:16 PST
A) He seemed to have a flu
B) He had a shot of tequila with his cholo uncle before he came
C) That was a chunk of my day not studying for math

However, it did strengthen my emotional immune system by spending time with someone I have mutual care for. I have to wait until next monday to see my counselor, and my complex over Bree is just getting worse.

I bought us dinner at Tom's #12, and we went to the train tracks. The train never came. We came back to my house so he could evacuate the tequila, and he called his sister to pick him up in an hour, and during that hour, for the first time, I got him to sit quietly watching the news while I did more studying.

Bless that guy. I'm getting him a thermometer, jacket, and a backpack for Christmas.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28292984/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28292984/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:07:07 PST
I have to call Mark to find out these things.

But Mark has an obligation to family first, as Bree would scathingly remind me. There's no problem with asking for an estimate of when exactly he can see me though.

Well I just called him and told him I really want to see him today, and he says he's going to come back and go to Tom's with me after all. All I had to do was ask.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28271985/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28271985/ Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:07:18 PST
Graham Cracker had to go to the vet, she's staying overnight. Something's wrong with her stomach. My mom's not taking it too well.

I need sleep, and then tonight some exercise, and then not to take pills, maybe excluding Valium or pot to manage the probably pain I'll get with exercise. I got enough opium this morning in my lemon poppyseed muffin. Standing up and walking will give my body mirth and purpose in an otherwise hopeless feeling schedule...

[link] <-- Why did they remove this scene from HBP? Do the producers at WB just delight in sucking all the emotional appeal out of the Harry Potter movies?

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28258855/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28258855/ Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:02:32 PST
So, in order to solve this I signed up for Intermediate Algebra as a night class...wait...okay, this time I have night classes on Monday and Wednesday, morning classes on Tuesday and Thursday, and no class on Friday. Very convenient for doctor's appointments that happen to be on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Today while staying late at the library, doing math at the handicapped computer table, there was an older woman sitting next to me, her two kids wandering around her and taking up two of the other handicap-accessible computers. The woman was talking on her cellphone, evidently to a man who was trying to convince her over, and over, and over to stay the night with him. She ever so politely and with a hint of guilt in her voice told him that he hasn't given her what she needs in a relationship. Then she got off the phone with him. A couple of minutes later, she called him back - she called HIM back - and told him not to call her again.

Bree needs to give that woman a lesson in getting rid of a guy.

The world has no bleeping perspective and it is crazy. One woman with two children patching up her life going to college is barely avoiding getting with another man, while another is so paranoid thinking she'll suffer the fate of the first that she'll villainize a crippled girly boy as an abusive predator. Talk about extremes!

This woman was talking on the phone practically the entire time she was in the library - and when I stepped out to talk to my mom, someone had their stuff on my computer station and her daughter moved onto the other one, informing me that "Oh...I'm sorry, they told me to hold this one for them..." First off, there are signs at the station that say no stools, no sitting at these tables, they're for wheelchair access. Second, these were someone's kids taking up the computers, not students themselves...I mean, c'mon. All politeness owed to the little kids, I bet they were having fun.

I don't know how I came to the conclusion, but I realized that pity, or sympathy at my circumstance these days really is nothing. (And I don't recall ever asking anyone to pity me anyway, I'm in a wheelchair and pity is a taboo.) What I really emotionally wish for sometimes is mercy, at the understanding of people that I'm just getting into my skin after all the regressive surgeries, and the hormone treatment being finished, and now being in my second year of college when I should probably be graduating. But...it's a moot question. Because if I have to beg for mercy from someone, if I have to explain exactly why I deserve it, I don't think the person is worth it. Especially to ask for it from someone who I thought was my best friend. I don't want to be stuck justifying myself for the rest of my life, and someday, I hope to lose the compulsion to, that Bree left me with.

I think the gift of understanding that it is mercy that I want, is that I can give it to other people. Mercy doesn't need a reason to be given, and it benefits both people involved. Like potatoes.

I am really in pain. And I took a quarter of a Norco earlier, all it made me feel like is vomiting...but my back, my hips, shoulder, neck, and arms, in painful tandem. Perhaps I am addicted, and I can't take the average aches.

^ See, there. I just complained. I'm not seeking pity or sympathy for the above statements! When you read something like that, if your first question is, "How am I supposed to react to this?" you're thinking the wrong way...what I say about me applies to me.

Common misconception; crying out in pain is always a cry for attention. This is not true, or I would not scream EVEN LOUDER at neuropathy pains when I'm alone in the house, when nobody can hear or judge me for it. In fact, I seek to express pain frequently without the unwanted reaction of other people...because I have learned suffering people bother healthy people.

One of the things you learn, being handicapped.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28218036/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28218036/ Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:42:13 PST
- do History Notes, although it is always possible to do those during study break, and class doesn't really depend on them anyway.

Okay, why was I worried again?

And I have tomorrow to do Math and Grammar. Hm.

Okay, on the outside today, I've been pretty funny, and stable, if not slightly snappy.

Inside I've been absolutely bawling. A civil war broke out between the pro-Bree and anti-Bree factions after thoroughly "decoding" her letter. It occurs to me I have logically realized every single flaw in her "argument" and I could in fact present that to her,

,and it would solve nothing, except piss her off.

One side of me says that my spine has been fused to whatever it may, and my testosterone treatment has maxxed out, so I'm finally at my opus of maturity, and that if I was to maintain a relationship with Bree NOW would actually be the stable time to do so. Furthermore, I've developed the ability to shut up, so I can spare her of unwanted criticism and fights.

The anti side points out Bree's inherent flaws and maintains that she will never accept me again, due to the trauma she's sustained from knowing me, and possibly her pride and bad sportsmanship - and our connection depends on abusive measures. Ethically, argues the anti-side it would be more merciful to let the connection die and have us move on with our lives.

My rebuttal to that - the pro-Bree side, would be to say that abusive practices can stop. It would simply be unnacceptable for her to hit me, and she would have to accept that I can be a romance writer and I like to hang out with guys sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm a cheating pervert. I'd like to hope we're capable of changing without ripping each other's throats out over it.

The anti side points out that it's much easier just to let an ebbing friendship rest in peace rather than ressurect it with a treaty meant to change someone more than you've generally seen them adapt before.

My concluding statement has no answer to that, except to say, it's Bree. It's bleeping Bree, is it not worth it to take every, single, possible measure to try and save our friendship once I'm psychologically up to it?

The anti-side's concluding statement wonders if perhaps chasing Bree is not just a settlement, or a reoccuring reminder rather than a sincere emotion...cause it's not that bad being a bachelor, and Bree really was incredibly mean herself.

The jury is still out - the civil war continues. If we met serendipitously in public, I suspect it would be a sign, but the writing on the wall is still blurry on whether it's time to change and let old matters rest, or step up and save my best friend.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28182739/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28182739/ Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:34:56 PST
It's a trip for me. I only knew her...or knew of her, for about a half a year. My parents took her to doctors appointments in the wheelchair van. Once or twice I used the bus so my mom could do that...that's about all. And one time we went for Mexican food so I could meet her but I don't think she was too interested in me. She was more interested in her margarita.

Going to her funeral reminds me how quick I met her and then she died. Much like Baby Isabel. And then, for most of the ceremony, I was sitting right in the front, and they parked the wheeled casket perpendicular to the podium, so the end of it was like three feet from my face. I was just thinking through all the prayer, "Um...hi Lucy..."

I didn't have much to say. I've pretty much gotten used to just sitting there, looking handicapped and people automatically liking me because "I'm Casey".

The priest at the ceremony was so...priestlike...it was uncanny. I've never been to such a Catholic Funeral before. I felt sort of guilty not receiving the body of Jesus Christ at communion, you know? I honor Jesus in my own special agnostic way (as a prophet/philosopher/great man/perhaps son of God I'm not sure) but I don't specifically want some farm guy from Minnesota (a very nice farm guy from Minnesota) wearing white crosses to feed me wafers and wine...if I wanted to do that, I'd just have a gay wedding.

The whole dichotomy of it, the "eat - Jesus recieves you to heaven/don't eat - you're going to hell until you eat" sort of reminds me of the OCD I had when I was little. You know, if you don't wash your hands, or organize your shelf in this way, your soul's going to go to hell or your parents will die - I think maybe this sort of thinking is what started the whole idea of superstition in religion. Religion is great, don't get me wrong, but I'd want to make sure I'm bowing to the Lord above, not some demon in my head who's got a hold of my OCD-riddled brainstem.

You know, I think I want to work in some religion. It really fascinates me, and I'm growing my connection with God a lot these days.

Well, now that I just dissected and embalmed her religion - let's have a moment of silence for Lucy. May her soul rest in peace and may the Lord welcome her into his care.

After the reception at Acapulco my mother gave me the permission to try a half-virgin Margarita, which means...I might get to try some form of light alcohol soon. But I'm not going near beer. If anything, I'll go Mark's route and do Appletini's. Can't you just picture it...me and Mark...toasting the modern gay man's drink, Appletini's...?

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28141707/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28141707/ Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:07:23 PST
It's not an emergency...but I'm just tired, and not enough air is getting to my head, I think. Oh well. And, I'm shaking. Since I took Norco the last two nights, a half each, I might be going through withdrawls...I dunno. My wallet cash is running out since I bought a graphing notebook, and if I want lunch I'll have to pay for it on my debit. I want lunch, to take my Valium pill with. And maybe eating something will help my shaking.

Or, my stomach could feel like throwing it up like usual. If I ain't sleeping on my kidney and disrupting a kidney stone, I'm sleeping on my good lung and ruining my breath all day.

Blogs and magazines are now all well aware and have passed their judgement on V, the first intelligent entertainment to cut through the hope rhetoric and question Barack Obama. (Finally.) Many are not happy, and call V "incoherent"...predictably.

Obama himself seems to be up on entertainment. I await his response from it too. Whether or not he is a good sport will be telling. He'll probably say, "We are of peace, always." and then laugh evilly. Aah, the era of anti-villains.

Apparently this series was produced by someone from Canada. Should have known; I have rarely seen a properly funded U.S. Republican who can intelligently take on Obama. This is really neat. It's like handing the Obama opposition support on a silver platter - my only question is, who's holding the silver platter again?

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28133532/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28133532/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:40:28 PST [link]

This new show on ABC is such a blatant allegory of the Obama campaign...right down to the fact:

-the "word" of hope is being spread through teenagers, to create understanding between humans and the visitors.
-in addition, the Visitors' website encourages them to tag, much like murals and hope messages of Obama are tagged and painted in the city
-We are peace, always; their rhetoric is simple.
-skepticism is beginning in the church.
-Anna handpicks a specific journalist to interview her. She tells him that he cannot ask any questions that will portray her in a negative light.

And, this is funny; the journalist doesn't understand what she is asking. He says, "That's not the way it works here." Bull...humans know all too well about portraying a politician in a perfect light. This is putting it in layman's terms.

"I'm not saying that we should distrust them...but shouldn't they have to earn our trust? Think about that."

This is the antidote, the exact problems about Obama's tactics - it's like the antidote was pre-prepared even! They had to have been working on this last year even. What does it say for the head of our media, ABC, to be able to so effortlessly tear down the very position it supported last year? This is shameless social engineering.

Wow, I thought ABC was in Obama's pocket. Or maybe they're releasing this to subvert the actual arguments against Obama; since people are becoming privy to the things he does, corporate support is cutting him loose, exposing the tactics of his campaign so they can get a new person in office to confuse people before they achieve anything in Obama's regime.

At least, that's what I'm thinking. XD

Actually I'm certain now. I'm not sure what group or political belief is behind the creation of this...blatant propaganda of a remake, but now enter:

Universal Healthcare. The Visitors spread hope by setting up "healing centers", which they hope to erect in every major city. So Anna's handpicked journalist, still idiotically confused, says, ..."universal health care?" "Yes."

And now, it has been revealed that the visitors are reptilians who have invaded every walk of life causing "unnessesary wars" and confusion in a grand plan that culminates in now, when they finally reveal themselves.

This is so transparent it's almost beneath me to sit here and decode it. It's so full of political talking points that I wonder who put it out...and why...but I know for sure who its intended audience is.

Conspiracy theorists...and Barack Obama critics. Why now? Why such a sudden backlash against the Obama administration just...one day less than a year from his election?

"Compromising one's principles for the greater good is not a shameful act, it's a virtue." - Anna's assistant.

The scary thing about this is, it's the real thing, it's the right sentiments, and it's a real, expert rebuttal...but it comes from the very corporatocracy that raised Obama...this really scares me.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28132337/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28132337/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 19:19:47 PST
And that was one of the many things I covered in the consoltation, besides my hormone treatment, the fact that I have never had a restful time to "develop" since 12, the woes of going through puberty in my Freshmen year of college, my insomnia, and the many pills I take to get through the day, including Valium, Norco, Vicoden, and Benadryl, used innappropriately to stop insomnia, when I'm up until three o' clock just writing about memories.

In the end though, I really, just want to talk about Bree. She was the greatest friend I ever had, and the bigger they are, the harder they bleeping fall, man, why'd she have to go.

I think by putting all this on the table, I am starting to show signs of progress.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28116638/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28116638/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:26:28 PST
Well, surgery's coming soon, and I can hope they do me right.

But can you believe I cranked out two respectable poems today? Gosh! Pyrimeds and Prices, a restatement of my entire belief system from college Freshman year (and a great FMA theme poem) and Whirligig! I should print out Whirligig for my counselor tomorrow, there's some great evidence I have multiple anxiety disorders.

The reason I probably dislodged a kidney stone is that, today I tried getting out of my wheelchair at school...for the first time, and sat under a tree, and then in a cushy chair in the Game Room. The second which helped me write Whirligig, which I started in California History.

Daylight Savings time messed up everyone's mood today; my mom and I were both wired, anxious, and as usual that had the product of me becoming quietly frustrated and her being openly spiteful and agressive; Dorothy being caught in the crosshairs. In Poetry, Professor Corley's comedy routine actually caused a gigglefit when he warned us to beware of Emily Dickenson's poems, her variation between being calm, and psychotically ED. Someone retorted, "Erectile dysfunction?" EMILY DICKENSON.

I'm supposed to jot down some notes...but I really can't bring myself to do that right now, or transcribe my online math homework for written record. Oh well, I know how to do what I need to, a bad folder check isn't much of a problem.

Lies and Bonfires

Well, my mother doesn't go on walks down the promenade, but she knows about the guy in Muslim garb, and says 9/11 is a hoax and there's no such thing as Al Qaeda. I said, of course 9/11 is a hoax and Al Qaeda isn't real. It got really cold in the room, as I described that the WTC was likely brought down by thermite explosives in the nature of a controlled demolition, and the planes were actually drones, and the defenses over the sky of New York that day were engaged in war games at the time. Of course, I added, this theory does not account for what happened to the real passenger planes.

I swear it almost got as cold as when 9/11 actually happened.
If you consider the actual ramifications, I mean think about it practically - remember all the headlines and news anchors saying "this was controlled demolition" and the people who slipped saying it was a missile...it really makes you feel like, the panic, "This is an American war, on home soil..." is still happening.

I guess...I have never told my mother this before.

She thinks the guy's likely going to be killed. I told her about Obama coming to town, and she says she's amazed Obama hasn't been killed. I told her that Bush and Cheney are probably complicit in 9/11, and Obama is too by proxy. She was sort of confused, and asked "...because he's part of the government?"

Moreover, if the 9/11 conspiracy theory is true, Mr. Steinman shook hands with a man complicit in the deaths of the WTC demolition, in order to socially engineer a motivation to attack and conquer the Middle East. However, I could say the same thing about meeting Carter...it's not like, a big deal. He was just a crumpled old man. War criminals are people too.

Our Mexican neighbors are now making crude bonfires in their yard a few feet from my kitchen window, with obvious gang activity...my mother is not pettily upset just cause they're gangbanging or causing a ruckus...but because the spores arising in the ashes of the bonfire could get into her lungs and activate her Aspergilliosis.

Geez.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28076105/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28076105/ Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:09:59 PDT
2. Spanish-speaking, or lower income Catholic neighborhoods don't celebrate Halloween. You have to drive to a high-income neighborhood to do it...and then, that's a strange neighborhood.

3. It's cold at night. And costumes are rarely designed to keep someone warm. Things are worse if it rains.

4. October is in flu season.

5. I don't like a lot of candy. The candy I do like, chocolate and peanut butter/caramel/peanut/almond is usually the surplus of candy that we bought in the first place, left over from the few kids who came to get some.

6. Fun times are better when they're actually fun. Why I don't go Trick or Treating is the same reason as why I don't have my birthday on a school night - it's just better if I don't.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28073477/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28073477/ Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:02:04 PDT
The only great thing I'm hoping to be doing tonight is having a mannequin/humanoid figure of me hung by the neck from the second story window of Bree's beach house, following in the honorable footsteps of other emotional traitors to their family, like Kari's ex and Santa Claus, may God bless his soul. *sarcasm*

Something tells me I might never know if that happened.

So, right now I'm having fun doing math homework -

*audience boos*

- writing poetry, and thinking about putting together a list of dysfunctions for my first ever meeting with a CalPoly psychological counselor. Yeah, fun.

I can factor quadratics in my head! *people throw tomatoes at me*

Last year I was Alphonse Elric for Halloween (2008)...year before that I was a scared shitless emotional wreck (2007, day before the Spinal-Fusion)...year before that I was Sunwaru (2006)...year before that I was Inuyasha (2005) ...year before that I tried to be Inuyasha, without the wig (2004), year before that I wasn't anything, year before that, I was a cat (2002).

I miss being a cat. 'cept...since my voice changed, I can't meow. I can only bark, like the dog I am.

Hm, do I start with the serious stuff, like my underlying fear of being subordinate to females (Bree's fault) and work my way down, or start at my fear of talking directly to people, and work my way up? *now penning the list for the psychologist*

I wish they'd hurry up and upload the new episode of Inuyasha.

What's up with the lack of Halloween features on the radio and TV?

Well, I can at least watch some FullMetal Alchemist, that's always horrific enough for Halloween. The Ishbalan massacre. That way I can get my dose of Kimblee. Oh wait, I HATE KIMBLEE. Never mind. Same thing with Mr. Whitman. I hate how Bree's personality got absorbed so quickly by genocide, racism and black humor, turning into an abomible joker-like caricature of everything she laughs at. It's my fault for exposing her to it, I guess...

Oe of the things I've been most...maddened about, is how much I've influenced Bree throughout her life, and how little I'll be acknowledged now that she has knocked me out her "collective circle". I mean, I've...somewhat done that, it's necessary to try and reinvent your identity after you break up.

Yesterday while the band was playing during lunch at Village, I went back to find Mr. Steinman, and found him in 227, heating up a bagel with Adrianna, who already has her master degree in psychology. (dear lord) Somehow the subject got to, "How about you, Casey? You got a girl you're banging?"

I challenge you to actually envision Mr. Steinman saying that, but he did XD.

So I told him, "Well, you remember the date you saw me with at the symphony? Well, I went with her to her senior prom. This was after I healed that big wound on my back, and everyone expected me to get sick, but instead she got sick. And then we broke up."

Mr. Steinman, "Because she got sick?"

Me: "No, because I got sick, afterwards, again. There was just too much sickness. There are some things relationships just can't survive, you know?"

Mr. Steinman chalked this up to the relationship not being too strong then, and I had to agree...we were held together with black comedy and the glow of the computer. We had no idea how to emotionally handle ourselves let alone each other. So of course, when a bona fide disaster happened, our connection was about as reliable as my Verizon modem.

I think my real Halloween celebration was yesterday...I'm glad it was too. Yesterday was fun. I have never been on the same page with Mr. Steinman before. I mean, he has a back problem too! He talked to me about poverty of the spirit (Mark knows about that) and making friends with the pain in his arm.

I know about making friends with your pain, too.

Steinman is a global superstar now...seriously, he was on BBC, CNN, Good Morning America, the works. AND he actually met Obama face to face. A group of his students all got to talk to Obama personally, according to him.

But you know...I felt...nothing intimidating, you know? In the wake of all this, Mr. Steinman and I have enough in common to communicate with each other from the heart, and you know how much that means to me? I mean, it's not a mutual love of playing Pokemon or making fun of FullMetal Alchemist that bridges the gap between us, it's...pain... love... betrayal... stardom... struggle... gosh, that's the language of humanity.

It is a language, that can bring ANYONE together. As Mr. Steinman so aptly dem... ]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28036615/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/28036615/ Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:20:58 PDT
And I snacked on some chips.

Then while Colbert was talking about the Hadron Collider, saying, "The (adjective here) taste of Cool Ranch Doritos weren't made from science?!" I looked down at the Doritos I was snacking on, and sure enough...they were of the Cool Ranch persuasion.

Colbert knows exactly what audience he's talking to, what they've been told to like and how to trigger that. Do you ever get the feelings that a cabal of corporate leaders is shaping your destiny? Ah well.

Then after finishing that, watching another hour of Nick at Nite, and scribbling down some skit notes...I was alarmed to realize that I was having too much fun to sleep. so, I got about four hours of sleep.

Sleep is important, but the sleep rule just doesn't apply to me in the long run. This is the least sleep I've ever gotten before a day of school, yet the most productive day of school I've had so far. It seems to be more about motivation and my attitude.

That, and after I was satisfied I finished my algebra quiz lucidly, I took a Valium to get through Gramamar. That sustained my "positive attitude" and made me a little loopy. It got me far enough to go home, and collapse to sleep until four o' clock.

Today was the first day I got to go in the Kitty Habitat - ever! I can see why you guys like going in there. I just thought I'd try, before I didn't know if the ground was good or not, but it is, and I had fun.

It's amazing...I feel this thing in my heart, like hope. Like things can die, and leave, I can get hurt, and it'll still be okay in the long run. Tradition is in her grave, Graham Cracker is alas, NOT GUILTY for killing her, Seven Eleven is and now she's on a life sentence leash, and despite that fact, we still have a dozen cute little feral adolescent kitties in our backyard, healthy, playing, coexisting with the dogs once more.

And I've got a surgery coming up on Winter Break...and I really don't care this time.

My algebra teacher told me today that she has a friend in a wheelchair. She said, "That electric chair you have is neat. My friend is in a wheelchair, and I wish she would get one of those, because whenever we go to the grocery store, I have to push her everywhere."

So I said, "I wish she would get one of these too. They're very fun."

You know what, maybe I could refer her to Bernie, my mechanic! Or is that overstepping the line? I dunno, I feel like doing something really nice. It makes me somehow feel like I'm purifying the ball of angst that I've been rolling up as of two years ago, and it tears me apart too, since I know my problems have scarred - at least - one person, Bree. Probably Mark too.

Well, tomorrow I'm going directly from CalPoly to pick up Mark, and go to Village, to see if I can catch up with Mel and see Mr. Steinman. Then I'm gonna spend the rest of the day with Mark - I honestly do have time right now. I finished my homework, and the homework I didn't finish has already gone past the deadline, so alas I am helpless to do it. *wink*

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/27994981/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/27994981/ Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:17:04 PDT
Well, not minding that I may indeed, fall under someone with "issues"...I jumped right in, told them they were compartmentalizing those they do not approve of, and I'd like to know their definition of an issue, and why they group crossdressers with "the retarded".

Well, somehow I ended up apologizing for making a problem where they wasn't one, since he never specified that he is persecuting anyone for crossdressing, just that it was weird, and I was being "morally condescending".

This is what I get for taking on two veteran debaters at once. I was also debating the mod in "Is Organized Religion Going down the Drain?", pitching the idea that churches should be more progressive and rely on the bible for argument less; the mod was like, "They're churches, what do you expect them to do?!"

But I held on to that one, since the title of the thread pretty much says, "what do you think of churches?", but I can't really debate with someone's beliefs, even if the purpose of the thread is essentially to pass opinion on something connected with belief.

Conservatives are cold, SPPF is a long way from our cozy, accepting ethically-justified liberal cradle.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/27966965/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/27966965/ Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:13:33 PDT
I found one of the flowers, a big five-petaled pink one, stuck it in a cottonball and set it on the pavement in the middle of four P-emblem squares in a pinwheel formation around a bigger square. I only had my Acer webcam with me, so I tried to take a picture of it with that...but after a few attempts I felt sort of silly and stopped.

How symbols mean so much to me.

On the way to the library I saw a car drive past with an upside-down American flag on it, and I thought inside, "Right on." After all, the U.S. is making some of the biggest mistakes in the world. Then I felt a little guilty, a part of my conscience saying, "But you're on MediCal...and this is the country that keeps you alive." Then I shook that off, clarifying the upside down American flag is a symbol of grievances toward the country's actions...not hatred.

Then on the way home, the car was parked next to...what kind of building, I've never really looked, and this man with a long white robe, a white head covering (it actually looked like a Jewish kippah), a long curly black beard, was standing in front of it with his hands folded behind his back looking solemn. There were beads over one of his hands.

My "Everyone's a little bit racist" kicked in and I was a tad scared. Sorry. First impressions can be that way, I'm sure I'd have pushed myself to get to know him or be comfortable with him, if the situation was that way and he wasn't a total stranger. So I drove past him, a little nervous.

I'm no expert...actually I'm really bad at telling what religion is what outside of Christianity. Almost want to say he's actually Jewish, but I somehow doubt it with the moon-and-star mattress store down the street and the I dunno what it is, daycare center...? where I always say hi to the ladies in scarfs as I walk past.

I mean, you can be of the Islamic religion and still hold the usual "America seriously needs to reform itself!" attitude and say that with an upside down flag like a statesman of any other race and creed who does the same thing against say Obama, or Bush, and not be hostile about it. Just like I can dress effeminately and expect people not to call me a girl. It's called free expression.

Still, I wonder what his story is.

]]> =SunshineCasy http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/27951111/ http://SunshineCasy.deviantart.com/journal/27951111/ Sat, 24 Oct 2009 23:34:47 PDT
I'm not doing my job as big cousin - I'm not counseling Michelle or taking an active interest in her life, because its too awkward. I'm afraid I might mess up. I broke my promise to call her the next day after the party.

But I decided to be upfront with Mark. Facing him is much easier than facing Michelle. He let me in on a little secret - a couple of them. Turns out Mark's personal life is his own buisiness, even when it intersects with my bloodline. He came early to the graduation party, before me, in order to give Michelle a present for her birthday: A glass cube with the words "Love Forever" inscribed in them.

So ended my attempt to control Mark in any way, or make him back off from my cousin. Fate would teach him not to mess around with younger women.

Because Michelle called him up and threatened to put a restraining order on him! Poor Mark was crushed, and did not call Michelle back. Instead, Michelle called Mark back, and confided in him her personal school life, and told him she wishes I would call more and help her with her schoolwork, and said she misses Diane.

So Mark got an incredibly mixed message.

I told him, "Do you know why she hated you one moment and called you another? Because she doesn't know what she wants. She's too young. I told you."

So, after being ambivalenetly confused, Mark came to the conclusion that Michelle was playing with his head, that she was his worst enemy. How dare she manipulate him like that, play with his heart? Now she was at fault!

No, I told him, "It's your fault. You didn't take good enough care of your heart. Why would you give your heart to someone you know doesn't know how to take care of it? You need to understand, Michelle is a child and you're an adult. You're smarter than her and more mature than she is (Yes, really, he is!). She doesn't know how to give your heart the proper care that it needs - so it's your fault your heart was broken because you gave it to the wrong person."

Then Mark went through another stage: defending his heart. His mom always told him he had a good heart. So did his uncle. "Yes, Mark, you have a very good heart. So you need to be smart about who you give it to."

It's not a man's role to change, persuade, or refute a woman - only to pick the right one. After all, it can be argued that women are incredibly selective about men, so why should we men be sloppy, or whimsical about picking a woman? Women are incredibly defensive of their hearts so I think men should be the same way.

Of course, the only reason I can give Mark a pep talk like this, is out of experience. I remember when I was thinking about it - at a UCI appointment. I thought, "It's my fault for trusting such a violent, insensitive, immature, stubborn (etcetera) girl with my heart in the first place!"

That stage...took a long time to be over, and it was with a pep talk from my godmother that I realized she was not at fault for these things; it was okay for her to be insensitive, immature, violent, etcetera, it was perfect and it was lovable. I had to just not take it personally.

And now I realize that it was my doing that my heart was abused like that. Bree did not break my heart - I did. Not a bad thing - just experience. I didn't know how to take care of it, and now I'm learning how. Insight comes with discretion. These are the more reassuring things about being an adult.

]]> =SunshineCasy