http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Tene&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Tene en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:06:36 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/18072718/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/18072718/ Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:11:03 PDT
It is something to lack trust in what you see, what you hear, what you sense. It is another, far more serious, far more damning to know the fabric of your mind's thinking is flawed so deeply as to see reason in falsehood.

Being wrong, I don't mind - learning from mistakes is part of the human condition, but lacking the capacity to see why what's true is true, that makes the mind invalid.


(PS: To all who I watch, I'm sorry for not commenting on your art at all lately, I have little of value to say. Take no comments as a good sign, I have no criticism to offer. )

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14381593/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14381593/ Tue, 28 Aug 2007 14:19:05 PDT
]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14234670/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14234670/ Sun, 19 Aug 2007 02:40:10 PDT Life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning
Because life is worth it/has meaning

... ad infinitum.

Of course "Because life is worth it/has meaning" could have the form of "but you haven't seen the World yet", "because there's so much more to life", "because there's so much to experience", "because life is beautiful" ... etc.

I was thinking about submitting this as a deviation, but I don't usually take the piss as "modern artists" do.

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14095669/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14095669/ Thu, 09 Aug 2007 19:20:25 PDT
If anyone reads this, please give some!

There seems to be a widespread disinterest in poetry, it's very disheartening.

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14029640/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/14029640/ Sun, 05 Aug 2007 14:05:55 PDT
I woke up at 3pm today (why not? - what's so vital about getting up when everyone else does?), opened the curtains ...

Outside some kid said "Run! Quick, before he comes to eat us!"

I'm sure they'll grow up to be good little Nazis. The attitudes of their parents are most probably those of ignorance, proud irrational discrimination, and general low-life-ness.

I need a T-shirt that says something akin to "Yes, I know I'm weird. If that crosses your mind, you have no worth". Perhaps on the other side I could have "Please rid the earth of your infectious plague of an existence".

I suppose I should be thankful though, at least I don't have to put up with their noisy presence.

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/13692796/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/13692796/ Wed, 11 Jul 2007 08:10:48 PDT [link] under Creative Commons licenses.

It looks as though pro-ridiculous-length-copy-restrictions publishing industries argument that without copyright no one would author art have been given a present day rebuttal.

Of course, no sane person would have believed it for a moment, but money in back pockets wins laws in oligarchical rent-seeking industry.

Check out Tryad, Silent, HYPE, and others.

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/13553399/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/13553399/ Sat, 30 Jun 2007 15:25:24 PDT
No, I'm not complaining of the stupidity and ineptitude of others ... this time a stupidity-related thought concerns myself.

An observation ... I'm becoming more stupid. I suppose it's the natural result of my lifestyle (or lack thereof) ... but isn't intelligence quota supposed to be more or less constant throughout life?

At 11 years old, I was at the top of all the streaming/setting malarkey. At 17 I was significantly lower in said hierarchy but still considered by others as intelligent and intelligence tests showed I was within the top 5% of people my age.

Between the latter point and now I suppose there are a few factors that could have influenced my seemed mental retardation:

Sleep. I have no sleep pattern, and haven't for some time.

Food. I don't eat (much). I supposed I'd be classed anorexic if it wasn't just lack of motivation.

Practice. I do absolutely no work of any mathematical merit.

Pharmaceuticals. Stupidly strong "meds" and by implication stupidly large amounts of stupidly strong "meds" should be banned. No exceptions. This is by far the main reason, I suspect.

These damned fans. Can't computer hardware manufacturers just make something powerful without the need for a deafening amount of airflow production?


This isn't meant to be self-pitying, I just need to write it down somewhere. I don't really care for the health of the most part of myself, but my brain is who I am, what I am, I am nothing more. What's even more infuriating is that I can't express the resulting maddening void that's eating me from within ...


Comments about emocore, the accompanying social movement or stereotype are not welcome.

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/10184026/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/10184026/ Mon, 25 Sep 2006 16:10:29 PDT
]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6573487/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6573487/ Thu, 22 Sep 2005 14:21:59 PDT
I've been thinking of angsty-esque "culture" ... well I wouldn't call it a culture as it's much more than that. It's very, very tempting to be quite frank, I beleive I know the "dead" feeling long time "angsters" escape from now.

So tempting.

So, so tempting.

But then my skin is so ... er ... well not exactly umblemished, though it is unbroken at least.


On further thoughts I should get round reading my DA messages sometime.


Though really, if I ever get round to it. I've got a feeling I'm close to living out the "will or die trying" mentallity for education right now. Or anything for that matter <_<


Is this conciousness or is it a lack of sleep induced void ... ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6539727/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6539727/ Sun, 18 Sep 2005 20:51:56 PDT
Yep, I'm going to "go out on a limb" & say my new psychology teacher is an utter ... dimwit. The new "Creasey" legacy (the downfall of my Maths AS). & yes, it can be argued that I'm attributing everything onto one external cause but ... damn it, hand out, hand out, hand out; nonsense, nonsense, nonsense ... I realise normative intelligence is frowned upon these days (and indeed, feared), but c'mon - teachers should have some sort of normative knowledge of what they're teaching!

& I've wasted all the way up until 4:50am still attributing everything to ... me!

Damn it argh

---

I'm tired. Tired of ... well I'm an insomniac.

That aside, maintaining my own site by hand has proved a menace without a laptop.

School's sort of stressful ...

...

... or rather stressful to the brink & back again.


So much to do, so much to say ... sigh.


I really should start blogging more again.

Resolution commencing:

I'm currently trying to write a psychology essay with my new psychology teacher. My new psychology teacher is on the shallow side of great, & well ... she relies on hand outs far too much.

I'm also on the receiving end of a certain "manipulative *****". Sigh.


This is in effect a prelude to my previous blog entry, not viewable by those with Internet Explorer (surprise, surprise) here.

But anyway, venting aside ... well I'm not really depressed anymore. Really. & it's a bloody strange feeling ... though I suppose a physically orientated doctor would summise I was if I was in their presense.
Well, self-plausable deniability I think is a great thing indeed ^_^

Anyway ... ammendments may commence at any time during the night ... damned insomnia.


I was given a prescription of Temazepam by my ever aging psychiatrist (actually he's great, really), but I'm paranoid of taking the stuff. Drugs are bad, kids ... [repeats over, & over, & over, & over] ...

If you say it enough it might actually kick in!


Or make you mad, who knows :/


PS do NOT read The Yellow Wallpaper by Gilman. English Lit is a nightmare atm >_< ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6419780/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6419780/ Mon, 05 Sep 2005 04:49:59 PDT
Any art work posted in my gallery can, & in all possibility will be used as A level coursework. So, until I've actually submitted my work.

There we go, disclaimer made. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6282267/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6282267/ Sat, 20 Aug 2005 19:15:47 PDT - results have come through (2005.08.18). I got DBCBC without Art AS submitted (submitting it next year) & the two Cs would have been As if I'd actually read Emma (got a U in ELIT2) & PH2 (likewise).
So, all being well come January I'll have DBABA. Then come the following year I'll have DBAAAA

Seriously though, that's enough to apply to anywhere I want. Bangor's my prime choice, I'll put down Cambridge just in case (320 points, though it's all in the interview rather than on the points scale). I'll apply to Aber for international politics incase I feel I can't move in the end (disasters happen). Dunno about the others, Westminster does the course I'm looking for, so does Surry ... I'll apply for Liverpool I think.

I've got 6 choices overall & I want to get them shipped off ASAP ... so on with the show!.. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6210070/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6210070/ Fri, 12 Aug 2005 18:20:06 PDT ) into letting me avoid - Came off of venlafaxine straight away. I would describe this as temporary lightish schizophrenia (cognitive disintegration, not paranoia :/), though (so long as Wyeth did their research properly) it'll wear off.

I'm 18 today too. Promised myself a long time ago I'd never be 18. It's at 13:00 +/- 10 minutes. So, if the venlafaxine withdrawal doesn't make me die tonight (who knows? ) I'll be 18 by the time I wake up.

Party tomorrow too! Not my party, someone else from my year/grade is having a party ... just so happens we have the same birthday I suppose. Come to think about it I've been in the same year group for ... 14 years? & I never knew (well, aside from this last year).

Haven't opened anything yet, from what I gather it's mostly cheques. But may as well bank 'em in time for drunkness tomorrow night! My record is actually still a smirnoff red bottle, drunk smirnoff blue but never had a whole bottle of the stuff.

They say antidepressants shouldn't be taken at the same time as alcohol, though I beleive contrary to what might be common sense the increased dopamine & seratonin (basically includes everything up there) stops alcohol from affecting the brain, so I should think I've still got a bit of an immunity (first time I drunk a whole bottle was well before ADs).

The question is, can I get drunk? It's hardly happened before ... really ... so time will tell Still got to be very careful though. Last time I had a bottle my gut felt screwed up for 3 days (no, I'm not taking a bottle with me ).

Parrrrty ->>>>


Oh since I forgot to post this ... >2 hours later> ... being 18 makes you lots of money (presents, that is)

So, after so many brackets, that's it. Until tomorrow ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6167213/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6167213/ Mon, 08 Aug 2005 09:41:32 PDT
Had what appears to have been a "gluten trip" last night, when I boiled some instant noodles, 5 minutes after taking the first bite full I was on the floor, my heart had slowed down etc. It was quite frankly, terrifying. Thought I was about to die, or something similar.
Apparently (I'd forgotten all about this), it has an opiate effect, I'll ask my biochemist of a Dad about it next time I speak to him.

I'd never realised how much that stuff affects me :/ ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6165753/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6165753/ Mon, 08 Aug 2005 06:14:36 PDT )

I'm to stop being concerned about becoming schizophrenic - it's a bloody psychiatric term. Damn psychiatrists. (autistics in the past have been shut away & labelled schizophrenic).

So yeah, I'm workin' my way to the top, by myself might I add. This is the information age, whether that term is used anymore or not, knowledge is what's important to gain eco-hierarchy standing.

Way of the mind, way of the liberal, open source everything! (no, I'll leave the hacking to those people who're willing to sacrifice themselves ... to whatever end they want to).

Up, up, up, we go ... ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6120433/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/6120433/ Wed, 03 Aug 2005 07:57:20 PDT
Can't be arsed to do much art at the moment 'cause I haven't patched up my home network yet ... Need hardware. Need.

Randomly drawing, learning, reading, looking at news, singing, playing piano, acoustic ... y'know, all the things you normally do when you're bored.

Now since I didn't sleep last night I'm about to crash for a couple of hours ... to muse, naturally ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5987945/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5987945/ Wed, 20 Jul 2005 15:37:23 PDT
I've got to humble up! Heh ... ah well. These things take time. My dad always wanted me to be a good person ... I always wanted to be a good person so ...

Yeah. I was "ill" from a psychiatric point of view (sad) ... but well ... All I can say is sorry. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5977087/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5977087/ Tue, 19 Jul 2005 11:51:09 PDT
Yeah I've been screwed up a hell of a lot more, but, the way I see it now: The more screwed up I become, the further I go (success wise). So ... whatever!

Back to uploading stuff if I can get my scanner working (ie, can be arsed). ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5709428/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5709428/ Mon, 20 Jun 2005 23:14:54 PDT
I'm a vocalist in a band I love ...

"Never expect to win with prose" ... ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5696885/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5696885/ Sun, 19 Jun 2005 17:37:06 PDT , joined a Muse-like pro band as the vocalist, buying my first guitar this week ... Urm ... recording our first EP, sending a demo off to a record company & stuff! I wanna gig!

Yay to Dave! *hugs Dave*

Urm ... & to Sam & to Tim ... & yeah you get the picture

That's quite a bit for one weekend! Quit drugs a week back, no that didn't bring me out of the depression!!

I feel so lucky ... hyper intelligent as a high functioning autistic, though I've learnt to be loving & how loving is the most important part of life! That & warm hugs

Ahhh yeah. Did my school work on Saturday. Got nothing to do until Wednesday now. So busy but so fun!! So cool. I'm not bipolar afterall as my Shrink suspected ... just a really really depressed autistic!

So yea ... love you all loads ...

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5627450/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5627450/ Sun, 12 Jun 2005 13:06:44 PDT
I'm standing up for myself, & I feel good ... FREE ...


No more emotional blackmail, no more intimidation ... my shrinks going to be so pleased

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5560926/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5560926/ Sun, 05 Jun 2005 13:35:07 PDT

This is what I intend to be my legacy. I do believe it may be possible for me to prove this, but quite frankly, without interrupting fact with feeling, I don't feel it worth it. There are many more experienced, thought out & cognitively able people out there who can & the probability of one doing so within the next 300 000 000 years – even if the human race hasn't developed the ability to escape our solar system by then – is so close to absolute that I see no point in myself doing that task. I do hope that my insight into truth & validity does “accelerate” the acquisition of this knowledge for other people of course, as is its point. To those who begin to use psychological defense mechanisms at this point or further on, remember the ever so famous quote which I can only paraphrase – genius is so close to insanity that the difference is negligible.


There are no 'opinions'; only variations in validity for possible truths & falsehoods. Perhaps, One may think that this is merely paraphrasing the laws of science, though I argue that coming to these conclusions through One's own musing is essential for absolute understanding, one cannot reach a valid conclusion without knowing all relevant variables


My first chapter or section, whichever you deem more appropriate, is set to be based on evolution, concluding with the resulting damage caused by psychological defense mechanisms - the attempts at applying rationality at the expense of validity.


Perhaps my epigraph could be "Illogical people, the plague of the Earth" hahahah ... Anyway. Tell me what you think!! ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5524412/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5524412/ Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:35:22 PDT Mood: Tripping
Listening to: Muse - Blackout

Har har har Vodka ist nice. Vodka & strong skunk = bliss. Like I'm dead but enojoying myself too. If only I could be like this all the time

]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5431595/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5431595/ Sun, 22 May 2005 17:18:06 PDT Went to a friends' 18th birthday pub crawl last ... well yesterday (now that its gone 01:00 that is), managed to find the first pub after a quarter of an hour walking.
First drink I had someone came back saying "the barman looked at me strangely" I asked for two shots of vodka initially, then I was asked whether I wanted that in one glass then I thought ... they serve vodka in glassfulls? So that's what I asked for. But the person who went to the bar (I didn't have ID on me, nor am I 18 by 3 months) wasn't sold more than 4 shots. So that's what I had. 4 times. Hahah the look everyone had when I gulped each glass down as it came . I asked whether I could get away with smoking in there, I got a negative reply but when I was merry enough I just thought meh what the hell.

Managed to get to the second pub, I was smoking out of a metal pipe obviously not for tabacco all the way accross town When we got to the second place, someone pointed out there were police swarming outside ... close shave!

Third pub we went to was the last, where I had another glass of vodka topped up with coke this time. I can remember all of it mind! I was merry enough to lose my inhibitions but I was fully aware of everything.

So then I'd had over half a litre of vodka (according to a friend it's about 20 shots per litre). So guess what I did, when the bus got to my village I went into the Spar & got another litre of Vodka!! & yeah I don't remember the rest of the night. Only I got through about 1/2 an ounce of skunk that night too. Oh yeah & I squeezed the birthday girls' bum too ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5367187/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5367187/ Sun, 15 May 2005 18:26:39 PDT
That's what happens when you get to the bottom of a 1oz packet - all the thc crystals drop to the bottom. I've practically had a few thc crystal pipefulls. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5320561/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5320561/ Tue, 10 May 2005 13:03:55 PDT

How's this though - my psychology teacher wasn't in, so I smoked my pipe in there hahaha

Oh well ... I'm off to relive Earls Court again. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5244131/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5244131/ Mon, 02 May 2005 05:09:24 PDT
This weekend:
100mg temazepam
2 litres vodka
1/4oz v. strong skunk

... urgg ... ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5221664/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5221664/ Fri, 29 Apr 2005 13:01:29 PDT
Duuuuuude

*fades into ... woa I dunno.* ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5195909/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5195909/ Tue, 26 Apr 2005 15:20:22 PDT

It was just before resuming my art exam. I missed about 20 minutes because I couldn't think clearly enough to get up from the seats in the common room ...


I had about a quarter of this seemingly nothing lump of skunk (admittedly there were loads of THC crystals visible on it) ... meh nothing was happening ... but after having a few pipe bowls full, wow ... not actually happy, I'd had too much for that ... but it was like I was concious, then ever second or so that memory became another conciousness, & I was concious for every second after being stoned ... nevermind.

I got some really far fetched ideas for art ... although I've done my final piece now. I'm just using the time to fill in sketch ideas.

Anyway, that was fun ... tomorrow, same time, same place ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5147144/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5147144/ Thu, 21 Apr 2005 10:04:38 PDT
In psychology yesterday, I asked why my teacher was being so bitchy (cue class laughter), then shortly after I asked where exactly one of the girls had shagged a certain someone (cue insane laughter). Apparently it was just gossip though. We talk more about sex than psychology!

Timmah took my photo for the sixth form leavers CD ... Geeze I'm going to miss everyone ... sigh ... I suppose we still have the whole summer together, to get drunk & party but still I'm indescribably upset! Makes me question what love is for, if you just lose the people you love & gain others ... it never lasts ... You don't know what true friendship is until it's too late. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5068975/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5068975/ Tue, 12 Apr 2005 11:20:53 PDT • Dizziness -Yep (started @ 300mg/d)
• Sleepiness - Not really, but more sleepy than @ 225mg/d
• Abnormal ejaculation - Nope
• Sweating - Yep (heart beat is at about 120bpm @ rest)
• Dry mouth - Yep
• Gas or stomach pain - Nope
• Abnormal vision - Yep
• Nervousness - Sometimes (MUCH more @ 225mg/d
• Insomnia - Nope (had it @ 225mg/d, didn't need to sleep, didn't feel tired)
• Loss of appetite - Yep
• Constipation - Nope
• Confusion/agitation - A hell of a lot, started @ 375mg/d
• Tremor - Yep (can get pretty bad)
• Drowsiness - Well ... more dopeyness. Stoned sort of feeling.
• Vertigo - Don't know, haven't climbed any high places since being on 150mg/d
• Vivid Dreams - Very much so

What about other people on this stuff? + How much do you need?

(Primerily for Sam & Sion, & anyone else who happens to take this wonder drug ) ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5059231/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/5059231/ Mon, 11 Apr 2005 10:02:02 PDT
So yeah. I think I'm up to 4-5 on the scale of 0-10, 0 being worst, 10 being feeling good.

& my best friend is definately going to the local Uni! So staying another year is not a problem with me at all ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4971185/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4971185/ Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:29:08 PST
Higher than the sun ... so many memories. I've been without being a stoner for 3/4 of a year now ... this reminds me how I felt, going down to the arts centre after every lesson getting stoned out of my mind. Everyone pittied me but ... I was happy. I'm dying to go back to that ... but I don't have the endless supply of money I used to have ...

Sigh. I'd cry about it, but the feelings too strong for that. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4835658/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4835658/ Thu, 17 Mar 2005 09:24:58 PST
First I was rigid apparently, then I started shaking violently. Paramedics came, put me on one of those neck support stretchers, off to hospital with an oxygen mask, completely & utterly dazed. They kept an eye on me in A&E constantly until my heart rate & blood pressure went down (was racing at around 160bpm). Then came the tragic news: I had to stay in overnight.

Waited until 3 o'clock this afternoon for a CAT scan. No brain abnormalities, so I have to go down to camarthen for some sort of brain electrogram (might be epilepsy).


But I'm back now, thank ... someone. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4810012/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4810012/ Mon, 14 Mar 2005 11:30:10 PST
So ... first of all, I want to order everyone to sign up to [link] brilliant forum & radio shows (there might be one tonight ... hopefully). It's a community of people local around here ... & their friends ... & everyone. Basically. Sign up.

Secondly, I've updated my template site a bit, I want to do something with it, if I find the effort :/

Seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Get more venlafaxine methinks. 150mg/d.

I'm going to the Manchester Apollo on the 26th to hear Feeder live, their second gig of their Pushing The Senses Tour (they have a gig the previous day, same place). Nowhere near as big a venue as Earls Court that I went to see Muse at, but still it should be a nice experience.

I think I'll be getting some LSD either this week or the next, depending on when the local druggie can get his hands on some. Strong stuff, £10/tab.

Insomnia struck again last night, no surprise it being a monday ...

Oh & here's my best friend, Sarah [link] That's her boyfriend on the left. Aren't they adorable heheh.

Anyway. That about sums it up. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4775650/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4775650/ Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:10:01 PST
For the first time in YEARS I feel not so stressed, not so suicidal and I don't really have a desire to rip my arm apart. That's one hell of a placebo effect unless it really is working this fast. I didn't even overdose!!

Ahhh things are brighter than usual (maybe a photon here and there, you never know ). My psychology teacher wasn't pissed off with me at all for missing 3 lessons! My English teacher didn't mind that I'd forgotten I had a lesson, in fact she was really nice

HAHAH and I thought I was going to get kicked out. I had a plan to put on one last show - upon the words "get out" I was going to cut an artery, spray the teacher, wipe blood all over the desk, take my long sleeved T-Shirt off, write "stimulus" in blood on the door, walk down to the railway, put in blood over my chest "response" and ... ahem ... Damn that turned out different than I thought it was going to!!

PLUS my best friend probably isn't leaving this town to go to uni, so I'll get an extra year with her ... and probably go to the local uni too

Yeah. I'm not too bad at the moment. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4718517/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4718517/ Thu, 03 Mar 2005 10:46:25 PST
I beleive I've just reinvented construct theory. Well, I don't know exactly what it is, but my set of aquired biases (ie common sense) tells me this is it.

Take the idea of imaginary numbers, a perfectly, valid, proven method of solving problems. Every number is a value, so substitute number for value. Now, you have a wide variety of values. Take these examples

A genius is contained within society
Subjectivity is contained within objectivity
Science is contained within art

Combine any two & ... ruin. Lifes filled with these parallels, relations. These parallels are explainable by intermittent terms. Think of terms as unproven, or proven theories (fact).
Once you prove one theory, you can use the fact found to find another theory, thus you can use one parallel to explain another, whether its proven or not.

These parallels = constructs. I beleive that's what Kelly (1955) thought.


Oh yeah, & on my autistic voyage (spaced outness) I also thought some other things ... I should write a poem "Verse of quotations":
Autism: genius wrapped in a shell of stupidity
Complexity, and individuals creation
Objectivity is a subjective creation

Whilst something may be true, its unveiling would mean the corruption of creation (eg 1/0 != infinity)

Objectivity & subjectivity intermingled ... results in corruption (bias) ...

I wonder if this is the basis of "parallel dimensions" theory?

I thought of constructs as loops, ie everything goes from
Everything, wraps around & comes back as Nothing (Everything & nothing aren't so different, both are utterly pointless). Thinking on it now though ... hmmm ... If something isn't definate, it isn't objective, therefore it must be subjective ... nevermind.

Oh yeah, & the most important part, science is a load of meaningless nonsense, whilst art is the contextualisation that makes science make sense


Yeah I bet that all sounded like bull. I feel like I've been tripping :/ Haven't taken anything though! ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4701791/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4701791/ Tue, 01 Mar 2005 11:54:19 PST
So I drifted through the day, by no means feeling okay, but the best I've felt in a while. So, last lesson, psychology, hand in essay ... not long enough apparently.

She knows I'm a major/bipolar depressive and a high functioning autistic. I think she's on an ego trip, sorry to drag you out of the cupboard for a quote Freud, she's trying to get me to end my life I reckon. I know, I'll write the essay in blood, 2000 words shes asked for it. Subjective hypocrite. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4665835/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4665835/ Thu, 24 Feb 2005 20:21:53 PST
Prescription through post, "take Prozac intermittantly, stop, then start Effexor gradually (may kill yourself somewhere in the middle)"

Yes, doctor, certainly

More like finish fluoxetine prescription & start effexor on top ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4653649/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4653649/ Wed, 23 Feb 2005 12:48:47 PST ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4640428/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4640428/ Mon, 21 Feb 2005 19:46:07 PST
I've heard the best piece of music in ... musics history (Micro Cuts) at Earls Court, now I have to hear the runner up.

So to last out unto then I'm getting some narcotics
I've been too long without them. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4545676/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4545676/ Thu, 10 Feb 2005 11:48:38 PST
It's not often I can feel anything, & it's not supression, either, because I can't feel anything. It used to be the whole hiding my emotions thing, now I can't feel them at all, apart from on exceedingly rare occasions such as this.

About the future ... makes me sick. Thinking ahead of tomorrow, thinking ahead of now, makes me sick. Thinking of the year I was in leaving in 3 months or so ... makes me physically ill. Weak. All that I've cared about vanishing. Gone.

Writing this, this has to be the first time I've shed a tear in months ...

Who's that song by ... "History's so Strong" ...

Aimless life. I can't bare it, it destroys me. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4512547/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4512547/ Sun, 06 Feb 2005 14:03:42 PST
I've finally confronted my dad & stepmother, albeit over the phone. Not going to see them next week.

They, or rather she really needs the think, act, argue, & speak logically. Complete mix of objectivity & subjectivity ... Ask "why?" to anything, & they have no answer, they merely restate their unsupportable arguments.

Well, they tried emotional blackmail. Didn't work obviously, since I care not for feelings (in the bigger picture, outside of music & art, that is).

They just don't get it ... ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4410017/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4410017/ Tue, 25 Jan 2005 09:41:34 PST
A fair amount of the session consisted of me psychoanalysing the psychologist. He's got some real problems.

Anyway, turns out his speciality isn't cognitive behaviour therapy (that's aimed at retards, apparently), but personal construct theory. Complete & utter crap, though as far as I can see, the aim is to back the subject into a corner, question them through a rationality train of thought. Activation thought, irrational or irrational beleif, & resulting thought. Of course by 20 minutes time, I was using it on the shrink. I do enjoy battles of wit though. It was pretty much a standoff, I was answering rationally, he was answering rationally. Well, he wasn't answering rationally but he did a good job at using offense for defense

Yes, that was indeed amusing. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4395430/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4395430/ Sun, 23 Jan 2005 15:55:52 PST
Next ... yay. I'm seeing my new shrink tomorrow, a cognitive behaviourist. My psychiatrist warned me last Wednesday that they'll start "taking action" (ie, attempting some hardcore style shrinkage). Whatever, I can see what they're doing before they begin. It's useless, almost as if the only people who clinical psychology works for are retarded. Missing art again for it too ¬_¬ 11am.

Heh, might be missing a bollocks physics practical too. Speaking of physics practicals, practical teacher "Mr. Man" (derived from his initials) is absolutely useless.

No psychology tomorrow ... Sigh. Oh well ... I'm a little anxious to be honest. New shrink & all. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4349777/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4349777/ Tue, 18 Jan 2005 08:10:31 PST

Fucking psychologist addressed a letter to my parents. Bastard. I told my psychiatrist to make sure my parents stayed in COMPLETE ignorance.

I HATE my parents. In fact I hate most people. I hate anyone knowing anything about me. Makes me so uncomfortable & trapped



Bastards the both of them. Shrinks are useless. Sanctimonious bull shitters. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4269746/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4269746/ Sat, 08 Jan 2005 13:01:03 PST
Heheh hope I'm going up. Hope.

I need to go up. Need. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4252496/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4252496/ Fri, 07 Jan 2005 07:30:16 PST
I'm not sure whether I can wait, I might just have to trip tonight

Oh and ... all at once


Edit:
I can't wait. Can't. Can't can't!!
60g ... to the other side

Edit #2
Onset ... now

Edit #3
That was ... spectacular. Beautiful rainbow strings from the ceiling ... vortexes ... twisting ... melding with objects ... melting ...
My bed & chair were swimming in the carpet. At one point, I was so out of it that I couldn't move.

I thought I've ripped my hand off, or that I'd ripped my eye out at a couple of times, & my hand was covered in blood. But then I realised what I'd read ... the trip is what you make it. So I thought it away ... and no more blood

I put music on most of the time ... mostly Muse. I was so in tune with the emotion ... I felt like I was Bellamy himself at some points The riffs slowed down to an eternity of ... slowness ... then speeded up again ... in fact, time was at my disposal.

Kick arse. (60g = 24x the high dose amount given by erowid.org). ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4232979/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4232979/ Mon, 03 Jan 2005 20:28:14 PST
I made myself very, very faint

Euch & I didn't feel a thing when I did them ... They're ... wide ... deep ... euch ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4203999/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4203999/ Fri, 31 Dec 2004 17:00:06 PST
Litre of vodka: check
Orange juice to take the horrid taste away: check
Toilet lid up & ready
Partial liver necrosis: check ()
AND ONLY 3 MINUTES TO PREPARE

Yikes, got to greet the new year in

HAVE FUN EVERYONE ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4199706/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4199706/ Fri, 31 Dec 2004 06:52:13 PST
Well I've concluded that Autism == Intelligence == Depression.

Bear with me ...

I'm not referring to biological depression above, but cognitive depression. I beleive both to be inverse.


It's widely said that depression is caused by a lack of transmitter chemicals between the synapses - seratonin being the most talked of.

Autism can be defined as a syndrome in which there is an excess of seratonin, look at the high functioning autistics out there & there amazing abilities (eg me )

I went to the doctors because I had cognitive depression. Lets think about this ... The more people realise ... the more they become depressed, cognitively speaking. However, you need a hell of a lot of seratonin to gain that ultimate "depressed perspective" knowledge. Hang about, isn't something odd here?

It doesn't make sense. I wonder where those DSM authors got the evidence that lack of seratonin == depression ... Depression biologically perhaps, but not cognitively.


Why does alcohol make you feel good, relaxed and not worry about the future? It's a _depressant_. Why does continued LSD usage make you cognitively depressed? LSD is an extra synapse chemical that acts very much like seratonin, therefore you could associate it with the same effects of a stimulant.

=>
Stimulants make you less biologically depressed, though more cognitively depressed, & depressants vica versa.


Now if only I could do a psychiatry thesis on an infant autistic ... Doest thou want vodka child? ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4192535/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4192535/ Thu, 30 Dec 2004 10:44:27 PST
Aside from lots of vodka, I did get a rather nice wardrobe, including a very suave jacket with a fur hood ... Looks slightly camp but ... meh. Looks good.


Yesterday I found out a friends boyfriend had split up with her ... The feeling as she said this to me was surreal ... I never thought it'd happen. Probably the saddest moment I've had for some time

I cleaned up my knife & used it again today. Damn it felt good.


Tomorrow being new years eve ... party a few miles away. Another chance to get plastered - though this time in good company

Ah well ... End. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4183805/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4183805/ Wed, 29 Dec 2004 09:41:47 PST
Being this drunk ... so beutiful . .. totally different perception ... phycsical function ...

How can anyone sdispute alcoholism?

Hey true ... I can't spell or anyhthing ... but who cares?

So beautiful ...

Okay dyslexia has new meaning

Adios ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4126723/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4126723/ Wed, 22 Dec 2004 10:33:37 PST ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4089127/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4089127/ Fri, 17 Dec 2004 15:17:10 PST
All I've wanted for such a long time ... now so close ... what am I to do?


I'm beginning to think making the effort to go is pointless. Sigh ... I really want to say goodbye to my friends but I know they'll do something stupid if I so much as hint to them.

I've got to pack for tomorrow too. *sigh* ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4080473/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4080473/ Thu, 16 Dec 2004 12:18:50 PST
"Life is a lie, conciousness illusion, knowledge delusion & truth deception."

"Conciousness ... the moment of death between deception & oblivion."

"Death ... the idea we toy with, how can you enjoy a moment that's instant?"

Sigh. I really need a coping strategy but I can't touch my knife as I'm visiting my dads for Christmas <_<
/me goes insane

I'm not sure whether it's rationality kicking in or whether it's Prozac withdrawal. Who knows ... who cares quite frankly. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4048731/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4048731/ Sun, 12 Dec 2004 09:54:58 PST at the moment ...

My brain is hyperactive, but I feel drunk ... though my speech isn't slurred, I'm very witty , but physically I feel really weak.

Oh and I have a weeks work to catch up on. Not that that's prevalent in my mind at the moment.

Hmmm ... perhaps I should try some writing? ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4040625/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4040625/ Sat, 11 Dec 2004 07:38:39 PST
That stuff is EVIL ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4029151/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4029151/ Fri, 10 Dec 2004 03:55:10 PST
600mg fluoxetine
100mg temazepam
400-500mg caffein

All at once?


Edit:
Blast even though caffein is a depressant, it raises blood pressure and heart rate.


Oh well, we'll ... well you'll see in the morning


Edit #2:
Didn't work. Probably the caffein inhibited the tranquiliser. ]]> ~Tene http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4018044/ http://Tene.deviantart.com/journal/4018044/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 14:39:58 PST
Looking it up
Side effects:
"Dizziness, lethargy, drowsiness, confusion, euphoria, staggering, ataxia, falling. Infrequent paradoxical reactions (e.g. excitement, stimulation, hyperactivity, hallucinations)."



He *thinks* it doesn't interact with fluoxetine >_>


First nights proper sleep in a loooong time tonight -_-.

Edit:
Okay, so, I feel stoned. But I can't get to sleep. ]]> ~Tene