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]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/23567064/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/23567064/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 01:02:28 PST I got dumped, not given any specific reason why, or at least if it was hinted i missed it. or im just too dense to see it. or im just plain stupid and didnt pay attention when she told me what it was. whatever the reason, i feel like she is mad at me for not being there for her.

well... it would have been much easier for me to be there for her if she let me know she needed me to be there. but i always had to guess, and if i guessed right, i got to help, if i guessed wrong, she got mad at me. im not psycic, i cant read minds, sure it may feel like it sometimes, but thats because i like to read things, i like to figure out where things are going. but sometimes, or most of the time, you gotta tell me what is going on, i am just a human after all.

its like theres a bullet proof vest you never wear, but you get shot, and get angry at the vest for not protecting you, even tho you never put it on.

i dont know what to do with this, i love her to death, but i dont know how long i can hang on. i know the old saying that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but thats like saying there are many awards to be won, but only one championship... and that was her in my mind.

or maybe she thought i didnt trust her, but she didnt let me know this, if i did something wrong she wouldnt tell me like she promised she would, she would just be mad at me for it, and then let me try to figure it out. i am a very simple guy, somethings wrong, tell me... ill fix it. something needs to change... tell me, ill fix it. im doing something you dont like... tell me, ill fix it. but you HAVE TO TELL ME! no matter how hard to stare into my eyes i still cannot read what your thinking, i do not posses that ability in life. i wish i did, by the ancient scrolls i wish i did. but i do not. i dont know how many people read what i write, i just needed to vent in a place where there is a small chance she will read this, and if she does please... please do not me angry, im venting, letting out all the unproven frustrations i have, i have no proof to anything i say, just one of the ways i see what is happening. im sorry i couldnt be all you wanted me to be. im sorry.

]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/20501417/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/20501417/ Mon, 15 Sep 2008 07:09:04 PDT
I was looking at my Deviant art page, and noticed i barely ever update this thing, so i thought i would today.

Life seems to be more interesting as of late, ups and downs combined so that it feels halfway normal. one of the ups is i got my new phone, and it is awesome, the down is i have to pay 200 dollars for it. one of the downs is we may be going out of bussiness here at the computer shop, the up part is i already am working two jobs so i will at least be able to get a little more sleep befor i start looking for a new job if we do go out of bussiness.

it got cold here recently, a bit to fast... i finaly have some free time to go out and do stuff and it gets cold on me. its like nature is laughing and saying *tough luck dude*

oh well, ill just put on a couple more layers and go for a jog this evening. =^_^=

i promise, one of these days i will post some art on here that i think looks pretty good, i dont have enough self esteem to just post whatever i draw because i think it looks aweful. but ill put something up soon.... i hope.

i hope that this journal seems a bit more up that my previous one, that was a bad day ^_^

i wish you all my best wishes, and for many smiles to be coming your way!

----------------------------------------------------
one day whipped men everywhere will rise up...
and there will be a reckoning....

"what? no dear im not starting another rebellion!"

....one day.... ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/20143773/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/20143773/ Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:29:40 PDT
well, as of wednesday august 20th, i am 21 years old.

and i would have to say it is the worst birthday i have ever had. ever.

i had the whole week off from my below minimum wage job, but not off from caseys, i now work at caseys because i hit a deer with my car, and need to make more money than my below minimum wage job gets me. so i know work 15-16 hour days just trying to get by.

to add to that, members of my own family didnt even care to show up or be around for my birthday, the one day of the year that should be mine, and the only day of the year i wouldnt feel guilty for being a little selfish, and yet i am denied things going the way i wanted.

for anybody about to turn 21, get ready for a flood of younger people wanting you to buy them alcohol, its shocking.

this year just kinda feels like a slap in the face by life saying "no, nobody cares that much about you, no matter how much good you do to others, they will forget you and pretty soon you wont even exist to them. get used to it."

so that kinda paints a picture as to how life is going for me these days. there is but one ray of sunshine but she is usualy asleep by the time i get off of work at my second job. tho its still enough to see her sleeping peacefuly, it helps me know there are some things worth working for and its not all for nothing.

life goes on i guess, right?

----------------------------------------------------
one day whipped men everywhere will rise up...
and there will be a reckoning....

"what? no dear im not starting another rebellion!"

....one day.... ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/19810157/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/19810157/ Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:04:52 PDT
1. Slept naked? yeah

2. Taken a shower with someone? yes

3. Made out with a member of the same sex? no

4. Drove a car? yes

5. Stole anything? sort of

6. Ever been in love? yes

7. Been dumped? yes

8. Stole money from a friend/family member? no

9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes

10. Been in a fist fight? do all my one sided battles count?

11. Snuck out of your/someones house? yes

12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes

13. Been arrested? no, i have connections

14. Hugged a stranger? yes

15. Met up with a stranger of the opposite sex somewhere? no

16. Left your house with out telling your parents? yes

17. Had a crush on your neighbor? no

18. Ditched school to do something more fun? no

19. Slept in a bed with a member of the opposite sex? yes

20. Lost a friend? yes ='(

21. Been on a plane? no

22. Been to an island? no

23. Slept in until 3? no

24. Love someone or miss someone right now? yes

25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes

26. Made a snow angel? yes

27. Played dress up? no

28. Cheated while playing a game? no, never!

29. Been lonely? yes

30. Kissed more than 4 people in one night? no

31. Been to a club? no

32. Felt an earthquake? no

33. Touched a snake? yeah

34. Ran a red light? no

35. Been suspended from school? no

36. Had detention? no

37. Been in a car accident? yeah

38. Hated the way you look? yes

39. Made yourself throw up? no

40. Crawled through a window? yes

41. Been lost? yes

42. Been to the opposite side of the country? no

43. Felt like dying? yes

44. Cried yourself to sleep? yes

46. Sang karaoke? no

47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? ...yes...

48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? yes

49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes

50. Kissed in the rain? yes

51. Sang in the shower? no

52. Made love in a park? no

53. Had a dream that you married someone? yes

54. Glued your hand to something? yes

55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no

56. Ever gone to school partially naked? no

57. Been a cheerleader? no

59. Didn't take a shower for a week? yes

60. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? no

61. Played chicken? yes

62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes

63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? no

64. Broken a bone? all the time

65. Been easily amused? yes

66. Laugh so hard you cry? yes

67. Mooned/flashed someone? no

68. Cheated on a test? no

69. Forgotten someone's name? all the time

71. Done something dumb while drunk? no

73. Blacked out from drinking? no

74. Played a prank on someone? yes hehe

75. Gone to a late night movie? yes

76. Made love to anything not human? no.

77. Failed a class? no

78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? no

79. Smoked pot? no

81. Celebrate the 4th of July? yes

82. Thrown strange objects? yes

83. Felt like killing someone? every once in a while

84. Thought about running away? yes

85. Ran away? tried to once or twice

86. Got a piercing? no

87. Cut your own hair? yes

89. Made a parent cry? yes

90. Cried over someone? yes

91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? yes

92. Dated someone more than once? no

93. Had/Have a dog? yes

94. Have an iPod? no

95. Smoked a cigarette? no

96. Been in a band? no

97. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no

98. Broken a CD? yes

99. Shot a gun? many

100. Wanted someone but could never have them? yes

----------------------------------------------------
one day whipped men everywhere will rise up...
and there will be a reckoning....

"what? no dear im not starting another rebellion!"

....one day.... ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/16442382/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/16442382/ Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:47:09 PST what if theres more?
what if the arms that catch you catch you by suprise
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NAME: Clayton Little
BIRTHDAY: August 20th
BIRTHPLACE: Des Moines, Iowa
CURRENT LOCATION: Panora Iowa
EYE COLOUR: Blue-Grey-Green-Gold, depends on my mood and happiness
HAIR COLOUR: Dark Red
HEIGHT: 5'8"
L/R HANDED: Both

THE SHOES YOU WORE TODAY: Black New Balance 406
YOUR WEAKNESS: Piano Music, Biting my Ear/Neck
YOUR PERFECT PIZZA: Homemade
SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Both
GOAL TO ACHIEVE THIS YEAR: Loose Weight, Get a Second Job, perhaps even get married.
YOUR MOST OVERUSED PHRASE ON AN INSTANT MESSENGER: Interesting
YOUR BEDTIME: after midnight most nights
YOUR MOST MISSED MEMORY: I miss the lengthy text messages from my girlfriend, its been more of the simple quick one or two word ones lately
PEPSI OR COKE: ew, Dr Pepper or Mt Dew for me.
McDONALDS OR BURGERKING: Burgerking
LIPTON ICE TEA OR NESTEA: tea is tea to me, i prefer to make my own.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate
CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: Both, Whenever they are needed.

DO YOU SMOKE: Nope, never will, i cant... im allergic
DO YOU SWEAR: Nope
DO YOU SING: Only sometimes
DO YOU SHOWER DAILY: Yes
HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE: Sorry, been is past tense, for me it is current and ongoing.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE: I have done my time
DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED: Yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: Not much, im just me.
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS: never
ARE YOU A HEALTH FREAK: Nope, i just take care of myself
DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: I love them!
DO YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: I play Piano and Violin.

1. DRUNK ALCHOHOL: Nope
2. SMOKED: Nope, cant.
3. BEEN ON DRUGS: No.
4. GONE TO A MALL: Yeah.
5. EATEN A BOX OF OREOS: nope, thats a sugar overdose just waiting to happen
6. EATEN SUSHI: yeah, but we didnt call it that at the time
7. BEEN ON STAGE: a couple times
8. BEEN DUMPED: yeah

DO YOU WORK: yes, maybe more here soon
IN A BOY/GIRL?: never been in a girl, but ive been a boy my whole life.
FAVORITE EYE COLOUR: Brown
FAVORITE HAIR COLOUR: Red
SHORT OR LONG HAIR: Both
WEIGHT: the way they are
BEST CLOTHING STYLE: Comfortable
NUMBER OF CDS I OWN: alot
NUMBER OF PIERCINGS: none
NUMBER OF TATTOOS: i dont have any, but i do have plenty of scars
THINGS IN MY PAST I REGRET: Some Choices, alot of actions.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unless i grip my sword, i cannot protect you
while gripping the sword, i cannot embrace you. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/14909626/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/14909626/ Thu, 04 Oct 2007 08:04:50 PDT what if theres more?
what if the arms that catch you catch you by suprise
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

odd thought just now....

it was one of those thought you get when all of a sudden you get dizzy and a little blurry vision.



the thought popped into my mind, "what if im dying slowly, and dont even know it?" like if there is something inside slowly eating away at me...

what would i do? after i found out, who would i tell? would i let anybody know? or just surprise them one day by dying? would i tell them out of courtesy that one day i may just not wake up? cherish every moment i get with the people i care about? and then it spurred another thought in my mind, what would i tell those close to me? what kind of final message would i leave behind?



to the wrestling team, i would write : never give up. you freshmen afraid of making a stand for yourself, earn your spot on the team, find a move that works for you and polish it beyond the realm of perfection. sophmores, just because you were mistreated as freshmen, dont let that affect how you treat them. juniors, one year to go and you will be the top of the team, strive for perfection in your matches, dont accept just almost. seniors..... be the leaders our team needs, not jerks, not bullies.... leaders.



to my family i would write :cameron, make wise decisions, dont forget to think about others everyonce in a while... check up on your family, maybe they have something nice to tell you, or just want to share what happened in their day with you. chris, become a strong and faithful man, do not waiver, dont stray from what you know is right. reach out for your goals and take them, but dont pull so hard that you break them. Mom, thank you for putting up with me all these years, for raising me the way i am, i praise the Lord that i had you for a mother... dont let my leaving sadden you, let it strengthen you, listen to the wind every once in a while... ill whisper to you in it. Dad, i know we didnt always get along the best, but there was plenty you taught me in life and didnt even know it. take care of the family for me.



to shauna i would write :shauna, im glad i had the chance to meet you in my lifetime, walk the straight and narrow path, seek the Lords will in all that you do. try not to cause to much heartache to the boys, but dont neglect the fact that womens rejection makes men tough.



to my friends i would be leaving behind :dont think of me as gone, think of me as now you cant do anything without me knowing, ill be keeping an eye on you. not only to make sure you do things right, but to maybe if i can warn you of things going wrong. keep your eyes open, dont pass up life because you want to sit around and rest. you never know what you would miss if you dont try.



to kristene: Kri, i was truely blessed to have you in my life, to have ever even met you was a blessing. use your artistic tallents well... may the Lord bless you with everything you could ever desire... but above that, peace...



and finaly, this one would be the hardest to write...

to Marah: Marah, im sorry i have to leave, its not something i am doing because i want to. i had every intention of bringing you a life full of joy, and hope. and i want to give you hope, hope of a future, hope of happyness in life, hope of family and friends. hope that you will never be alone in your life. hope..... its a funny thing isnt it? all those nights watching the stars in your drive, all i could think about was how blessed i was to have you next to me... every shooting star was another wish that you would be happy, that you would find joy in your life. i hoped to spend more time with you, things dont always work out that way tho... do they? do not be sad at my passing, i only ask one thing, to be remembered, i have spent my whole life trying to be forgotten... and i fear i may have succeeded... dont forget me... pass the lessons of my life on to others, i dont ask you to not cry for me, i ask that you smile for me... "the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears." and your smile has always been worth more than anything else to me. i will miss your hug, your warm embrace... there is so much to write that i dont know where to stop... at this moment i have three fondest memories, the first was when you wrapped your arms around me when i was feeling down... just sitting on the hood of my car, you didnt ask whats wrong, you didnt need to know to help... you just did. the second was the night i asked you out... i remember the look in your eyes, the glow of your face... how could i forget? and the third was at you... ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/14856174/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/14856174/ Sun, 30 Sep 2007 12:49:09 PDT in tears your drowning, your in to deep
just look to me and then you will see
ill be your friend, the one to set your wild spirit free
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i recall posting an earlier journal entry about finding that one person who can just tell your upset and wrap their arms around you without even asking whats wrong.... i found her.

just last night we went to a dance together, and during this event, they started playing the song aint no mountain high enough. well i turned to sing it to her, and she had already started singing it to me.... so we sang it to eachother. its like she knows each tear befor it falls, each emotion befor i get them... i have never experienced anything like this befor.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unless i grip my sword, i cannot protect you
while gripping the sword, i cannot embrace you. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/14267755/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/14267755/ Tue, 21 Aug 2007 06:29:23 PDT in tears your drowning, your in to deep
just look to me and then you will see
ill be your friend, the one to set your wild spirit free
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i believe they would call this the morning after if this were a war situation...
i turned 20 yesterday, what a day what a day..... it was one of those days that reminds you to count your blessings and keep them close. i have but one wish for my birthday... but it was not granted.

this song is somewhat of how i feel, and wish...

"So take this night
Wrap it around me like a sheet
I know I'm not forgiven
But I need a place to sleep
So take this night
And lay me down on the street
I know I'm not forgiven
But I hope that I'll be given . . .
Some peace"


some days all you have to hold on to is your own skin... thats sort of how i feel and sort of not.... i hate indecision... i should be happy, smiling, yet i find some recent events saddening... i think i am going soft. ^_^ i used to be able to just shrug them off and go on, but there is something that i am waiting for... waiting here... and the thought of it makes any pain worth enduring... even tho its not pain felt. i am concerned, concerned for what is going on, and for who it is being done to. i want to wrap her up in a hug and steal her away from all the conflict, all the lies, all the confusions, give her peace... even if its just for a moment. to take her and hold her tight, keep her safe. and never let go...



but time is not allowing that for now. so i wait. ^_^' that seems to be something im good at. so in the meantime, here are a few poems... not the happiest ones, but poems none the less...



Pushed into darkness once more.
Hopes shattering upon the floor.
Deceitful words of hate seem to be the only things I hear.
Trying to respond with a chocking voice of fear.
Running away from all of this to make the pain seem small.
That is all.
All I want to be free of this pain I feel inside.
And this emotion I feel inside.
This emotion of reaching out.
Because I’m pushed away when I’m just about.
To break the surface and see the real you.
But if I did, what would you do?
If all inside of you were there for me to see.
Would you try to mask it all or let it shine free?
But like many before, you mask it all and this way you’ll stay.
Just like many times before, I’m pushed away.
Back into darkness of this hateful place.
Within my mind a picture of your face.
Bringing to me a long lost smile.
But all the while.
I’m pushed away.
Into darkness.... here to stay.





Little does she know that my heart is torn.
My heart is aching, the sorrow is born.
I am so confused, I am so unsure.
But I am sure my love for her is pure.
Although I am uncertain that she feels the same way,
She is all I think about, every night, every day.
But deep down inside I know I have no chance,
We will never hold hands, we will never dance.
Realising this causes so much pain,
Knowing that her heart is something I will never gain.
Anger and frustration rips through my heart,
It feels like my life has been torn apart.
She is stuck in my mind, I cant get her out,
This pain makes me cry, it makes me shout.
But the pain of love will always be around,
It's the joy of love thats yet to be found.

take care everybody, it is my hopes you never have to endure a day like my birthday... i do not wish to share all the drearyness of it, so if you want to know what happened, send me a note. you will get a lengthy reply...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unless i grip my sword, i cannot protect you
while gripping the sword, i cannot embrace you. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/13704700/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/13704700/ Thu, 12 Jul 2007 06:44:31 PDT in tears your drowning, your in to deep
just look to me and then you will see
ill be your friend, the one to set your wild spirit free
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*brushes the dust away from this journal*

heh, been a while since ive been here...

so much has been happening here, where to start where to start....


situation, shauna.... she went off and found a new boyfriend... nothing new there. problem is, he had to move away from the state, for good... so the night befor he left... guess what she did with him, yeah i think you got the picture.... but the "safety measure" seems to have been innefective.... and me being the guy i am, i try my hardest to be nice, and to support her, to cheer her up... and so far have been able to resist the urge to throw it in her face for what she did to me. so that marks 2 of my friends that are pregnant befor they graduate highschool...

*sigh* not the path i would have chosen for them...


and then there is the situation with a young 16 year old lady, whom is having a problem with an unrestrained 27 year old man... who does not seem to understand the concept of "she said no, so it would be wise to stop" that one is enough to make me wish to let loose on a few seals on myself...

ok, now that we got that out of the way, on to the stuff that actualy bothers me...

saturday night/sunday morning, my aunt died... i cant find the words to say on how it makes me feel... she was the sweetest lady, always smiling, that sparkle in her eye never seemed to go away...

and now she is gone... and im at a loss for words.

recently, more than ever, i find myself lost, just staring off into nothing... thinking to deeply to have it be safe... about how i am so quick to help others, how i would always give them a hug and support them, so much so that i began to think thats all i was about, and the thought creeped into my mind, i wonder what it feels like to be on the recieving end... i wonder what its like to actualy have somebody want to be your strength for you... who can tell your upset even when you have your emotionless face on... but they dont ask whats wrong, they dont just sit and try to talk about it, and if you dont say anything they walk away... they just come up to you, and wrap their arms around you and just hold on to you as long as you need. i wonder what that is like...

once again, i feel like a tool, only brought around when im needed, then left alone untill next time...

i wonder when the sun will shine for me again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sticks and stones may break my bones...
but attack me and you will regret it. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/13074043/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/13074043/ Thu, 24 May 2007 09:36:43 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is quite strange... recently ive been dreaming strangely, bits and pieces are remembered, a feeling of being lost... and somebody looking for me, and missing me... tried to write it down for later, but i just couldnt make it out to make sense... so i decided to write a poem about it... this is where it gets even stranger....

I dreamed i was missing
you were so scared
but no one would listen
cause no one else cared

after my dreaming
i woke with this fear
what am i leaving?
when im done here

so if your asking me i want you to know

when my time comes
forget the wrong that ive done
help me leave behind some
reason to be missed

dont resent me
and when your feeling empty
keep me in your memory
leave out all the rest



now what bothers me as i look at my poem down on paper... last night i got the minutes to midnight cd by linkin park...
it matches their song, leave out all the rest. just coincidence i guess... but i really like that song.

recently life has just gone topsey turvey... so bad that ive actualy broken down and cried in front of somebody... i dont remember the last time i did that. so many things just chiping away at me...

promises not kept, and i want so bad to enforce them... but that would lead to hurting somebody, and i dont want that, as i was talking to mother about it, she mad the comment that at the age of 19 i have already felt more pain because of me doing that than most people feel in their entire lives.... what struck me is that she noticed i was hurting... i didnt think anybody noticed that. didnt think anybody noticed that i would choose to suffer so others could be happy. i can honestly say i wasnt expecting that. and at the same time..... it makes it easier, and tougher at the same time... because if people see it they will worry about me, but by people seeing it, perhaps i would get a thanks... i prefer people not notice, pain not seen is pain not felt ^_^'

so im just holding on to what i can at the moment... like a good chess game, i gotta figure out my next move and make sure its the right one.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think Im fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12908918/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12908918/ Thu, 10 May 2007 08:12:48 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

confucious say, do not stand in front of me for i may not follow, do not stand behind me for i may not lead, do not stand beside me for i may not stay there, pretty much just leave me alone ^_^'

heh, just an old funny saying from my brother.

funny thing about your dreams, your the only one who can see them, your the only one who can persue them, your the only one who can fully understand them. and in most cases, your the only one who has any influence on them. but on a rare occasion, sometimes you may be pressured into having dreams that arent really your own, just somebody elses that they never achived. i know where my dreams are, and i know that nothing is holding me back from reaching them... everything has been provided for me thanks to my grandfathers foresight, he prepared the path for at least the next 4 generations. he is a wise man, opened up anything we want to do, the resourcese to do whatever we want. become anything. go anywhere i want.

that is the other funny thing about dreams... a friend of mine once told me a joke... "im sick of following my dreams, im just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later."

i dont really know what the point of this journal entry is, but for some odd reason i just feel more optomistic today, *shrugs* oh well, the sun is shining. i like the warmth of the sun, this morning is the first time in a long time ive actualy felt temperatures, or at least heat. i like that feeling.

i missed the sun, the warmth, and now its here... and im enjoying it
^_^

i feel stronger today... not just physicaly, just all around... stronger.

eh, to much thought ruins the moment. take care all! hope you are having nice weather as well!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think Im fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12812830/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12812830/ Wed, 02 May 2007 07:29:14 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i know deviant art isnt the best place to bring stuff like this... but its the only thing i have got. i dont have people here to talk to.

from a phone call i got earlier this morning, and dreams the past few days, it just seems to be getting harder to hold on, how long should a man hold on to his word, when does it become alright for him to disregard it? so much i want to say, yet i fear i will never get that chance. it just makes me feel empty inside, like my heart has just stopped beating. its a void in my chest, and it is killing me.

just one more smile from her, that laugh that haunts my memories, that hug that actualy made me feel safe and wanted. i wanted to reply to her letter so much, but i knew that i should just leave her be so as not to make the situation worse.

i write it out a hundred times, some times even addressing the envelope, yet it never gets sent... i just dont know what kind of impact it would have. would it drive her away even farther? would it just be thrown away without being opened? its a paralyzing fear, usualy by now i would have done something, without fear or doubt. but here i am, afraid to act, afraid i will never see her again, afraid i will never hear from her again. afraid to make a move for fear of making the wrong one.

i dont know what to do. for the first time in my life... i dont know. i just dont know...

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So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think Im fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12787436/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12787436/ Mon, 30 Apr 2007 07:26:48 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things have been odd this past week, i sense much stress in my family, and in my own life as well. recently there has been this rage, powerful, yet unexpained. i do not know why i seem to be angry more often recently. i do not lash out at others, it is when they are away, and im left alone, i feel a rage, anger, and somewhat, a strength. but i do not know the reasoning for it being there. or what caused it to come about. it is only there when im alone, but as soon as somebody comes around, a smile is back on my face, a glint in my eye. and more recently i find my mind wandering, yet... its only on one subject, i just cant get her off my mind. yet it is the only thought that keeps the rage at bay. it seems when im thinking of her, nothing is wrong, there is nothing bothering me, and then... snap. back to what is real, what is in front of me. but it keeps the rage at bay, and that is enough for me. soon, soon i will find the reason behind this. till then ^_^ ill keep smiling.

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So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think Im fine it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12590015/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12590015/ Sat, 14 Apr 2007 06:14:55 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it was 15 years ago yesterday, the first time i met the grim reaper. 15 years, and the scars still remain, the lessons taught while in that subconcious state because a truck just hit you at 45mph. today marks 15 years since they rebuilt my skull, in a few days will mark 15 years worth of memories, i do not remember anything befor waking up in the hospital.

15 years of martial arts training, of mental training, physical training, emotional conditioning. and a monday the 13th of april started it all. ive never told anybody about what went on in my mind while i was unconsious. it was dark, there were voices... "save him" a few cried, one said "no, he is mine." more still said "no, leave him be." yet a strong commanding voice boomed out and said "it is not his time, he will be spared." and that voice that said i was his slithered on to say "he was to weak, i will have him." as it faded to ramblings and murmers. ever since then, ive always trained to try not to be weak, i hated that voice so much, it was..... evil..... snake like.

15 years.....

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Fight for honor, fight for your life.
Pray to God that our side is right.
Even though we won, I still may lose
Until I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears,
grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories wont let you cry
unless I don't return tonight. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12520968/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12520968/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 07:12:35 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wow, it feels like forever since ive been on here.

eh, well ive scrapped the idea of getting the motorcycle from texas, not worth the trouble. i think ill just stick to my car for now.

ive done my good deed for the month ^_^ one of my oldest friends (as in ive known her for a long time) is attempting to live on her own, but is having a few difficulties with money at the moment, 120$ a week makes it pretty tough to get by. she had no money for rent, no food in her fridge, no soap, paper towels, not even the simplist thing as a phone line. i was paying a visit and was a tad bit distraught at her conditions. i guess my concious overpowered me, i took her shopping at walmart and the pac n save for groceries, around 200$ worth, and then i gave her enough for the rent that was due the next week, and enough to pay for her short term check into cash loan thingy. all in all it was around 500$ but it was worth it for a friend. i also got her started on a little savings so she has money in tight spots later in life.

and i even got something out of it ^_^ i got a hug! more payment than i ever could have wanted. i did it just to see her smile again, because she doesnt smile much anymore. i got not only the smile i wanted, but a hug to! that is what makes me feel like the wealthiest man in the world, watching a friend smile, and getting a hug.

eh, i geuss what they say is right, simple man, simple pleasures ^_^'

just thought i would drop a line here, and see how all of you are doing. so.... how are you all doing?

hope life is going well for all of you, take care!

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Fight for honor, fight for your life.
Pray to God that our side is right.
Even though we won, I still may lose
Until I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears,
grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories wont let you cry
unless I don't return tonight. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12285217/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12285217/ Thu, 22 Mar 2007 14:40:53 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well im slightly pleased, my father was able to locate a motorcycle for me. a honda valkyrie, 2001 interstate model. only problem is.... its in houston texas.

if i do purchase this, it will be my first trip outside of the states that surround iowa. fun times ^_^ but its a good price. and better gas mileage. motorcycles kinda run in the family anyways. good times huh?

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i will give up when im given the right to give up... and seeing as the sun still rises, i do not have that right. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12208661/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/12208661/ Fri, 16 Mar 2007 16:09:12 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this will be short.

i want to make an apology known, it has been brought to my attention that i have been forcefull about me being right and not listening.... and i feel guilty as charged... and ask for forgiveness for not being patient... for not listening when others have been speaking, and for forcing that i was right.
it was wrong of me, i should have been slow to speak and quick to listen. instead i was the oposite. i am truely sorry. if you could ever find it in your hearts to forgive me... tho i do not deserve it.

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i will give up when im given the right to give up... and seeing as the sun still rises, i do not have that right. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11839195/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11839195/ Fri, 16 Feb 2007 07:09:30 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i was listening to my brothers cds yesterday and found this song on one of them, and instantly felt like it was talking about me. this song reflects everything i have tried to be, and strive to become. i like it bunches! ^_^

Can you lay your life down, so a stranger can live?
Can you take what you need, but take less than you give?
Could you close every day, without the glory and fame?
Could you hold your head high, when no-one knows your name?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, 'coz you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Can you lose everything, you ever had planned?
Can you sit down again, and play another hand?
Could you risk everything, for the chance of being alone?
Under pressure find the grace, or would you come undone?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, 'coz you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, 'but you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

i just thought i would share that with you. take care!

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i will give up when im given the right to give up... and seeing as the sun still rises, i do not have that right. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11795156/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11795156/ Tue, 13 Feb 2007 06:44:51 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this will be a short entry, it feels more like something i just gotta get off my chest.

over the past few nights i seem to be having the same dream over and over... there isnt much to it, just me screaming at my mom that "you stole my childhood, took away all the friends i never got to have, all the experiences, took them right away without a second thought." there is more, but i dont remember it, just bits and pieces and when i try to put them together its just jarbled mess.

it seems that somewhere in my subconsious, i regret having been homeschooled. regret not having the oprotunity to make any of those friends, to find a true friend that i can tell anything to. the teachers that are actualy people and not a computer. just sitting at the lunch table with friends, joking around. all the things i didnt get to experience...

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i will give up when im given the right to give up... and seeing as the sun still rises, i do not have that right. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11745718/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11745718/ Fri, 09 Feb 2007 10:14:06 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Don't send a message, leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this in your notes and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses. Repost as "memories". A good way to get people to notice that you've posted this is to tag them, too

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There once was a purpose held here, now just an empty shell of a man, let us see what he fills himself with now... *shocked face* duty? honor?! Determination?!? to what? what for? there is nothing here... how can a man continue with no purpose? (this is part of a story im working on, just a little teaser, let me know if any of you like it.) ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11706898/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11706898/ Tue, 06 Feb 2007 07:42:12 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no, i dont really have a purpose for the title of this entry, its just to catch eyes ^_^

life is going... and thats about that, the kids on the team are doing pretty good, we took 3rd at the conference tournament for the second year in a row (last year was my senior year to!) we had 4 kids get second place, and the one who had a chance at first got knocked unconcious, so that kinda stopped him from doing so. and this next saturday is going to be the big gut check for them, any of them that do not get first or second on saturday will end thier season. im interested in seeing who will step up to the challenge.

ive had two songs stuck in my head for a while now, one of them goes like this, "when i left home, to be who i am. some people said now way. but i laid it all down, gave everything. in my head rang the words that my father said. youre never far, i will be where you are, and when you come to me, you can bet i will open my arms. welcome home you, i know you by name, how do you do? i shine because of you today, so come in sit down, tell me how you are, i know son, its good just to see your face."

the other song goes something like this, tho ive modified it a bit, "so ill sacrifice myself, and give you whats left, lets see if you can find, the fire in my eyes. ill throw it all away, just to get away, you take the breath right out of me, left a hole where my heart should be, i gotta fight to make it through. i wont be the death of you."

oh, on a side note, there is a raw unrefined poem in my scraps section if any of you are interested in commenting on it. its not done yet, but i feel like it has some sort of purpose. a message even, a raw unrefined one, but a message nonetheless.

"HI HO HI HO, its off to work i go go go." i better start doing something here, the computers are almost done scanning, so i gotta read the results and fix them. take care everybody! and dont forget to smile.

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There once was a purpose held here, now just an empty shell of a man, let us see what he fills himself with now... *shocked face* duty? honor?! Determination?!? to what? what for? there is nothing here... how can a man continue with no purpose? (this is part of a story im working on, just a little teaser, let me know if any of you like it.) ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11574127/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11574127/ Fri, 26 Jan 2007 09:03:30 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Ever been given an engagement ring? no

2. Longest friendship: Cale Deardorff

3. Last gift you received: a shirt and a book

4. How many times have you dropped your cell? you mean my hockey puck?

5. When's the last time you worked out? this morning

6. Thing you spend a lot of money on: friends

7. Last food you ate: granola bar

8. First thing you notice about the opposite sex: who they are, how they act, i look for kindness. i also take into account the fact that they are who they are, not who everybody else wants them to be, and they dont care.

9. One favorite song: Seether, better than me

10. Where do you live? Iowa

11. High school you attended: home, but i played sports for panorama

12. Cell phone service provider: verizon

13. Favorite mall store: hot topic

14. Longest job ever had: computer tech

15. Do you own a pair of dice? yeah

17. Last wedding attended: rachel and mikeys

18. First friend you'd call if you won the lottery: mom

19. Last time you attended church: sunday, 5 days ago

20. How old are you? 19

21. Biggest lie you have heard: Yes i will tell you if anything bothers me.

22. What do you want to drive? you crazy ^_^ just kidding, i like my car

23. Where's your favorite place to eat with friends? anywhere as long as we are together

24. Can you cook? yeah *blush*

25. What car do you drive? 1994 chrysler new yorker

26. Best kisser: not a subject i am an expert on

27. Last time you cried: who cares?

28. Most disliked food: mold

29. Thing you like most about yourself: a man who likes himself is conceited.

30. Thing you dislike most about yourself: everything

32. Longest shift you have worked at a job: well... not paid, but about 21 hours

33. Favorite movie: fearless

34. Can you sing? yeah.

35. Last concert: switchfoot

36. Last kiss: does it matter?

37. Last movie rented: silent hill

38. Thing you never leave home without: pocket knife

39. Favorite vacation spot: spring brooke

40. Do you like Chinese food? yes

42. Is your room clean? ill put it this way, i know where everything is

43. Laptop or desktop computer? both

44. Favorite comedian: my brother

45. Do you smoke? cant, im allergic

46. Sleep with or without clothes? with

47. Who sleeps with you every night? in reality my covers and pillows, in my mind... ill keep that to myself ^_^

48. Long distance relationships work? if both people care.

49. How many times have you been pulled over by the police? twice

50. Pancakes or french toast? pancakes

51. Do you like coffee? if its the only thing i can get ill drink it

52. How do you like your eggs? soft

53. Do you believe in astrology? not really, but the stars are cool

54. Last person you talked to on the phone: Cameron

55. Last person on your missed call list: Amanda

56. What was the last text message you received? hi

57. McDonalds or Burger King? either or...

58. Number of pillows: 3

59. What are you wearing right now? t-shirt and pants

60. Pick a lyric, any lyric or song: i was made to love you, i was made to find you, i was made just for you, made to adore you, i was made to love, and be loved by you.

61. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? strawberry

62. Can you play pool? if i have to

63. Do you know how to swim?: yeah

64. Favorite ice cream: sherbert

65. Do you like maps? depends on why i have it, and where it goes

66. Tell me a random fact about yourself: im selfish and i hate it

68. Ever attend a theme party? not that i know of

69. What is your favorite season? summer and fall

70. Last time you laughed at something stupid? today

71. What time did you wake up this morning? 5:00

72. Best thing about winter? family

73. Last time a cop gave you a ticket? a while ago

74. What's the scariest thing you've ever done? that 52 mile drive...

75. Name of your first pet? Milo

76. Do you think pirates are cool or overrated? they are pirates... ninja's ar... ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11529378/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11529378/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 11:59:18 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i figured its time for an update here, been really busy with coaching the team and working along with visiting relatives and friends i dont get to see very much. so here 'tis! and update.

something that was pointed out to me by a good friend at church has got me thinking, and i may have found an answere. what was pointed out was, "you got the whole you didnt have to go through what i went through kinda thing going here". and as i think about it, i realize that it is me being selfish, wanting recognition, wanting to be better than everybody else. and i was thinking why do i want that... and i guess its because i feel like everbody see's me as a so-so guy, just there, like everything extra i do goes unnoticed or is taken for granted. and i know its wrong, and i need to change that. no real point in me putting this up, just keeping people informed on whats going on in my life.

on that note, the kids beat Martensdale St. Mary's wrestling team on thursday, that was good. on the downside we didnt have our 215 pound wrestler that night, he was at his Grandfathers funeral. we almost got pleasentville, but they beat us by 18 points. would have been closer if we had a full team.

im finaly beggining to practice my kenjitsu again, kinda lost the will to do that over the summer. so its good, im practicing again, i need it.

hope this hasnt been to utterly boring to you whom are reading this, i try not to be boring.

take care everybody ^_^

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I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate oh, i don't care how long it takes. And i'll tell Saint Pete i can't come in without my love and my best friend. oh, this ain't nothing new. Sweetheart, i'll wait for you. P.S. I love you, too. Sweetheart, i'll wait for you. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11204180/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11204180/ Wed, 27 Dec 2006 06:36:15 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hehe, yesh its me, waveboy (for the fluxuation of my moods)
since i hardly ever post on a high note, here is one... i just finished making candles! yay!
and music, there is music in the background, from the organ that belongs to my father, its not really all that different than a piano. wich i can play a little bit ^_^
that was fun.

please forgive me for the downess, it just gets overwhelming sometimes, and i try to change it, but sometimes i cant... thats why i come here, i find support here, and comfort, because i like art... and the people who draw art. so thank you.

here is to all of you, since i did not post on christmas, a day late, but better than a year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

P.S. an update on Adam, he is home, from what i hear, and is doing better, he has to go back for kemo once a week for 5 weeks, but they think they have it taken care of... so that is good, and a good chrismas gift.

on that note, for those of you who read my previous journal entry befor i deleted it, i guess the gifts i got arent that bad, i needed socks. i guess i just needed that reminder that its not always about me. ^_^ thank you

P.P.S. i was wondering what was meant by kri's comment on if i commit suicide, and then it hit me that i had put down that arsenic sounds good in my eating tab.... i guess i should explain that...heh...^_^ arsenic to me is not a poison, its a close relative to puppy chow, we just call it that due to the fact that it has so many calories it may kill you. ^_^ sorry to those whome i made worry.

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people are like plants, to close together and they choke eachother out, to far apart and they starve... lets be like grass, it never goes away! ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11124170/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11124170/ Wed, 20 Dec 2006 06:18:30 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, this one will be short...
we found out yesterday after they did a catscan or whatnot on adam, that there are cancer spots on his brain now. as if it could get any worse. he is in kemo now, i have never seen that kid so weak in my life... i just cant believe this, i keep going to bed at night thinking to myself, "this is all just a dream, everything will be back to normal in the morning." but it never happens, i just cant wake up from this nightmare. if only i could take his place, somebody like me derserves this kind of stuff, not him...

it is hard to understand the feelings kept inside, i just want to yell at the top of my lungs and hit something, but i know that will not make anything change, and yet i know that Adam would not want anybody to be affected by this. so its a struggle inside to honor what adam would want, and what i want to do... the yelling and...um... i wouldnt call it anger, maybe frustration... or something like that, is the only feeling i remotely recognize. and the helplessness, i just want to help, to reach out and take it from him and make it mine... but i cant.
i cant stand to watch my friend suffer and know i cant do anything about it, but this one is out of my hands, and in much bigger ones. so we will see where it goes from here, and keep trying to be supportive.

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a small silent cry for a warm embrace, once again left unheard ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11102124/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11102124/ Mon, 18 Dec 2006 06:28:16 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well... from what i have heard the surgery for Adam went well, he went home that night, has felt sick ever since, and now is in the hospital because he got namonia (SP?) in his lung. kemo is supposed to begin today, but i am unsure if the lung problems will be preventing that. he wanted to make it to our wrestling meet against guthrie center (our rival) but he just couldnt, he felt so sick, and now we know why.


other bad news, but at the same time good, bad because my brother rolled my truck, and thus i have no vehicle anymore because my car broke a few weeks back. but good because he is still with us, he lost control on a gravel road and rolled it into the ditch, he said it rolled three times. so i am just greatful that he is alive... i dont like the feeling knowing i could have lost my brother right there. well... i best be getting back to work, i am stretched to thin to be able to afford a vehicle at this moment, so work work work! gotta get the money somehow.

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a small silent cry for a warm embrace, once again left unheard ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11048625/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/11048625/ Wed, 13 Dec 2006 08:04:13 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is bad, very bad...

i went to practice monday and noticed one of the wrestlers was not present, come to find out the doctors found out he has testicular cancer, and it has spread to his lungs and liver as well. i never expected to see this here, not from him, his name is Adam, i played football with him just last year, and wrestled with him, we threw the shot put together. he always had a posative outlook, and optomism worthy of lords, he is one of the strongest 16 year olds i know, and now....cancer...? it just doesnt make sense, he has always taken care of himself, kept in good shape, he eats healthy, i...i....i cant believe this is happening to him.... he of all people, he doesnt deserve this.

please, if you would, keep him in your thoughts and prayers, he goes in for surgery this evening, and kemo for the rest of the week i have heard... ill try to keep you all updated.

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a small silent cry for a warm embrace, once again left unheard ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10969241/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10969241/ Wed, 06 Dec 2006 07:20:08 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

time for a different journal entry, i re-read the last one today and thought "boy do i sound depressed!" so here is something a little more light hearted.


ok, this is how it works, you take you ipod/mp3 player/winamp/windows media playet ect, whatever you use. load all your music into the playlist, and hit shuffle, then play.

put the songs down according to the order they play in on the items below ^_^

This is the soundtrack of my life:


Opening Credits:
Pod, southtown

Waking Up:
Nightwish, lord of the rings

First Day At School:
Linkin park, with you

Falling In Love:
Thousand foot crutch, step to me

Fight Song:
Nelly furtado, man eater

Breaking Up:
Celtic bagpipes, funeral song

Prom:
fort minor, slip out the back

Life:
Cold, wasted years

Mental Breakdown:
Nightwish, the riddler

Driving:
Angels and Airwaves, the adventure

Flashback:
30 seconds to mars, the kill

Getting Back Together:
newsong, wide open

Wedding:
default, you can count on me

Birth of Child:
superchick, beauty from pain

Final Battle:
pillar, frontline

Death Scene:
Nightwish, end of all hope

Funeral Song:
boondock saints courtroom scene

End Credits:
angels and airwaves, a littles enough





on a side note, been wondering about the marine core... think they would accept me? i mean, combat has always come naturaly for me, and they are supposed to be the best at it, and i wonder how i would measure up... just a thought i had yesterday

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a small silent cry for a warm embrace, once again left unheard ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10957098/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10957098/ Tue, 05 Dec 2006 06:37:10 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nobody tagged me to do this, but since the boss/dad is gone to the hospital for some reason, i have a little bit of free time to do this, besides... i need to get my mind off of him.


HONESTY SECTION-

01. Honestly, what color is your bra (or undershorts if you're a boy)?
black

02. Honestly, what’s on your mind?
wondering how much longer i can keep all this up, and if i cant, who will be there to take my place?

03. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
sitting in a chair at work.... debating on wich project to start

04. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
no, i often consider it a miracle that anybody even wants to be seen with me

05. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
not yet but its only 8:18, there is plenty of time to fix that

06. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
when im home and have time to watch tv and nothing else is on

07. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
in a way, more of an impatient expectancy

08. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
some memories, some make me really sad tho

09. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
depends on if there are nail clippers nearby

10. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
yes, it would be extremely nice to be visited right now

11. Honestly, when is the last time you went to Taco Bell?
probly that time i went in for a bone scan

12. Honestly, are you in denial?
probably

13. Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
anywhere but here

14. Honestly, do you like someone?
yes.

-ANGER SECTION-

01. What do you do when you're mad?
go to be alone so i dont hurt anybody

02. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
probably, thus the above action became my regular ^_^

03. Do you swear when you're mad?
no


-CRYING SECTION-
01. When was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?
probly a few days after my graduation, got dumped by my gf of 1 year and 3 months, and everything was just going wrong, i didnt have my diploma, grandparent forgot to bring it with them after it got signed, dad was yelling, mom was crying, it just got to that point where it was to much to handle, and i guess i sorta collapsed right there and cried for about 40 minutes

02. When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep?
hmm.... august 20th

03. Do you still cry when you get an injury?
i usualy fix them befor i have time to notice the pain

04. What usually makes you cry?
when things get to much to handle


-HAPPY SECTION-

01. Are you usually a happy person?
i guess, i just try to make everybody else happy

02. What can make you happy?
somebody noticing me, not treating me like im some sort of machine. random acts of kindness, and kinda like right now, somebody who can actualy tell when im upset and...i dunno.... i guess i could use a hug right now...-_-

03. Does being with your friends make you happy?
yes, tho it is a rare occasion, my closest one is 45 miles away

-SELF-ESTEEM SECTION-

01. Do you believe in yourself?
stop me if you can ^_^

02. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you agree?
i usualy thank them

03. Are you one of those people that thinks they are ugly?
ive seen many better looking people


-DA SECTION-

01. Why did you join dA?
kri chan

02. Are you addicted to deviantART?
yeah i guess

03. What type of people were you hoping to meet?
i didnt expect to meet anybody

04. Are you looking for love on dA?
no, i am not searching at the moment anyways

05. What do you think of the person that tagged you with this evil survey?
i wasnt tagged, but the person who did this befor me is a good friend

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a small silent cry for a warm embrace, once again left unheard ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10944926/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10944926/ Mon, 04 Dec 2006 06:29:55 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the
the first thing you said?
*slump bump* oh hi, goodmorning....oh its you

2. When is the next time you will make out?
i do not forsee this happening any time soon

3. What's a word that rhymes with "LUCK"?
puck,duck,LUCK!

4. What's your favorite planet?
Earth at the moment, when i get back from the others i will let you know

5. Who's the 4th person on your missed calls list?
Cameron

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Yellowcard, only one

7. What shirt are you wearing?
my bland black t-shirt

8. What do you "label" yourself as?
nobody

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
new balance

10. Bright or dark room?
Dark

11. What do you think about the person who last took the survey?
A Good friend

12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
The one closest to the wall

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
resting/thinking

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?
I hate you

15. What just so happens to be the best song in the world?
Geoff Moore, if you could see what i see

16. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot?
...interesting...

17. Who told you they loved you last?
i do not recall hearing these words in a while

18. Last furry thing you peted?
sassy, our cat

19. How many drugs have you done the past 3 days?
zero

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
none

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
ice age, oh i mean 19

22. Your worst enemy?
myself

23. What is your current desktop picture?
a picture drawn by kri

24. What is the last thing you said to someone?
yes you have to plug the computer into the wall to turn it on

26. Do you love someone?
with everything i am, and with everything i am yet to be

27. Last song you listened to
Saliva, rest in pieces

28. If the last person you spoke to on the phone was getting shot at, what would you do?
use my memory of where they are to help them locate the nearest gun/weapon

31. What are your favorite Pjs?
whatever i fall into my bed wearing

32. What do you do when you pass graveyards?
i look and wonder, "when i end up in here, will anybody care to visit my stone?" or "this is the foundation of where i live, the people who built it befor me"

33. Have you ever seen a shooting star?
yes, a few, including haleys comet

34. How old do you think you'll live to be?
if im lucky 40

35. Have you ever been to www.*********.com?
no, but i have been to www.?????.com

36. List five things you want to do in your lifetime:

1. Get Married
2. Go to Japan and Ireland
3. Leave a legacy
4. Become a legend of sorts
5. Dissapear

37. What do you put on your hamburgers?
well... there are usualy a couple pieces of bread, and some pickles, that red stuff, maybe union, and the meat

38. Do you eat raw hot dogs?
if i am hungry i will eat just about anything

39. Do you like sushi?
yes, i am a seafood fan

40. How much salad dressing do you put on your salad?
enough to drown a crab

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tell me how many times can this story be told, after all of these years it should all sound so old, but it somehow rings true in the back of my mind, as i search for a dream, that words can no longer define. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10720001/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10720001/ Tue, 14 Nov 2006 06:20:32 PST ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

here we go again, another season of sports and fun. wrestling just started yesterday, and to those of you who know me and are wondering "didnt he just graduate?" yes i did, no im not breaking the rules of high school wrestling. i spent the last 5 weeks of my life getting my coaching liscense for just this reason, im a coach.

along with that, the yearbook i ordered from my senior year showed up to, i was looking through it this morning, page after page, all the memories that probly mean somthing to someone, just pictures to me.
mainly because i hardly knew any of them, i was just some homeschooled kid who played sports there, kinda like a hired gun for the sports program. no matter how hard i look, they only have 4 pictures of me, 1 for football, 1 for wrestling, 1 for track, and 1 from prom... its everything i wanted, it was like i wasnt even there, and yet... it feels kind of empty, like i didnt do enough to leave a mark there. its complicated, i want to just pass through, but i want to leave a mark, become some sort of legend or myth... so that people will always ask, who was that guy that broke that record? we dont have any record of a Clayton little here... *shrugs* oh well ^_^

its strange being a coach, i mean... i have tought students befor, but that was different, i got to choose who i thought was trustworthy with my knowledge, and who would put it to good use. now being a coach is like this, 24 kids in the room, and i have to teach them all... i dont know if they will use it well, or use it at all. ^_^

so thats the update on this one and all that he is doing in a nutshell.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"tell me what you cherish most, give me the pleasure of taking it away"
"i pity you, you just dont understand, theres not a thing i dont cherish" ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10494518/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10494518/ Tue, 24 Oct 2006 06:44:11 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

way to long of a week... and its only tuesday.

arg... my cars starter went out last wednesday, so i have to find the time somewhere to get that replaced... along with these 5 weeks of coaching classes... each one 3 days a week 5 till 10 in the afternoon/evening. yay...~_~ human anatomy, physiology, theory and ethics... care and prevention of athletic injuries... so much stuff to learn.... but i already knew most of it, at least of what they have taught us so far.

and that gives me plenty of time to think... to much time to think.
things like... i realized i have never had anybody push me far enough to find my breaking point, or what is beyond that breaking point, ive never had to use more strength than what i know i have, never had to push my limits to come out victorious in any situation. i envy those people in the anime's that are against and aponent they cannot defeat... and are almost down, but find something they didnt know they had and end up winning. i want a situation like that. but even my brothers say that there is none out there that could push me that far... are they mistaken? there is always somebody out there stronger than i... i am not the best, i know that for a fact. i just want somebody to push me far... make me fall, find out what my other side is like... if i have another side, to see if the darkness is still there.. to find out what happens when i lose it... just to push me, to make me fall, to see the other side of me...

hope... hope is important. i struggle sometimes, sometimes i fail, falter, fall, do not reach the expectations that are placed on me. i kinda wish everything was like martial arts, with enough training you can reach any goal. but life is different. and we fail sometimes, but is there forgiveness there?

i feel kind of guilty writing this, i fee like i am reaching for sympathy, or trying to get attention... more than once already i have thought about scraping this whole thing and just saying something cheery... like.... plushies... or something. this journal entry really has no meaning or rythm, or anything really...

i remember a friend once saying... "it was because you were the one that could not be reached that made you wanted... and now that you have been reached, the thrill is gone." and i am left wishing i had said, "you are correct, i could not be reached, and now that i am yours, i will never be reached by another."

i like the way my pastor puts it, when you find that one... you lose sight of all others, there is not even the desire to look at them to lust. you are completely consumed by the grace and beauty of her that nobody else even comes close... and its not just for a few weeks, or months.... its for good. and that seems to be what i am experiencing. there has not even been a desire to look at another in a lustful way... not for months. ^_^

but there is always hope. i will never give up hope, my brain may explode due to the excess learning i have to do, but i will never give up hope. tho i need to give up some weight... ^_^' wish me luck.

i have always thought this, the question is not how far does this need to go... it is do you posses the endurance, fortitude, stamina and faith to take it as far as needs be.

anyways... enough thinking... back to the realm of reality and dreams... funny how those two mix.

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"but we have guns." "no, what you have are bullets. and the hope that when your guns are empty i am no longer standing, because if i am, you all will be dead befor youve reloaded." ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10344492/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10344492/ Tue, 10 Oct 2006 06:23:35 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I opened my e-mail this morning to find this message in there from one of my friends, it has a real and important meaning to it. i knew this girl, not very close, but you still remember those people when they are gone, she sticks out in my mind, and i remember her calm and gentle smile. even tho i had only just met her... she seemed so... caring, i dont know... but here is what my friend has to say, and i have nothing to add to it.

So I'm sitting here typing this, knowing I should finish my paper tomorrow for international relations, but i can't quite bring myself to finish. I was doing great, almost 10 pages long now, but I took a moment to check my facebook and found a new group made by friends. This group is called "In Lovng Memory Of Lexi Wardamunde...."
You see, Lexi was a freshmen when my senior year in high school, and I just found out she died 3 days ago. Another name to add to the list of people I know who have died....
I didn't know her very well, to be perfectly honest with you, and by the time I finish this I will set it aside for the moment and finish my work because thats what I have to do, its what I've been trained to do and its what I've learned to do, to take pain in stride and not let it slow me down. I've learned that much of life hurts but worrying about it won't make it hurt less.

I don't have many memories of Lexi, but the ones I have stand out. She was a a very confident girl, loved to flirt. She was the girl that wouldn't be afraid to come up and sit on your lap in the hallway, even if you were a senior sitting on the senior guys bench. I remember seeing her in the front row of the audience during one of our rehersals for a musical my senior year, I remember being taken aback when this freshmen girl called me sexy when I finished singing. I remember a few nights later when she put on my makeup for the big performance. I remember how she said I was a "pain the ass" because I couldn't keep my eyes open when she put on that eye liner stuff, and how she said i would do great right before I left for backstage.

Life sure is a strange adventure....we always sit around thinking about how life will play out, we make our plans for 10 years down the road, always wanting to be at our goal, never thinking about the right now, never stopping to enjoy the moment. We think about college while were in high school, we think about our careers when were in college, we think about retirement when we get those careers. We break up with people because we're scared of what will or won't happen 5 years down the road, we pick a major because of what kind of job we want 4 years from now.....the list goes on and on as we continue to worry about the future until we wake up one day, 65 years old, retired, and unsatisfied with the life we lived, wishing we would have worried less about the future and taken advantage of the time we had, wishing we wouldn't have burned those bridges, wondering if that one relationship would have worked out if we hadn't been afraid.

I dont know about you or how you want to live your life, but I do know that many of the people I know, myself included, fail on a daily basis to take advantage of the here and now. I'm not going to cry over Lexi's death, not many things make me cry, but I am going to remember her and learn from her life and from her death, or at least I'm telling myself I will right now. I encourage you all to stop for a moment right now, stop thinking, and enjoy something. See if you like it. If you do, then I encourage you to take that one step further, and do it tomorrow, and the day after that, and make it a habit to take at least one moment out of your day, everyday, just to enjoy that moment, to do something fun just because its fun, to enjoy a relationship just because you like being around the person, even if your not sure it will last forever. If anything in this life is certain, it is death. No matter how much we work out, no matter how well we plan our future, nothing will change the ending of our story. That doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the time we have with people we love, doing the things we enjoy. In fact, starting today I am going to try to do more of that. If you are reading this then you are one of my friends or someone I care deeply about, and because I care about you its my responsibility to tell you to go out there and do something a little risky, something that your not quite sure how it will work out. Don't worry about getting hurt (I'm not saying do something stupid though!) or missing out on your future or hurting someone or forgetting to plan that meeting with a career advisor for your promotion 15 years from now. Go do something impulsive today, and above all, enjoy every second of the... ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10301261/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10301261/ Fri, 06 Oct 2006 07:32:07 PDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i hate having to do that, to take the life of a suffering animal... one of our cats got run over last night, broken leg and ribs sticking out of its chest... it was the only thing we could do for it. the lot fell to me to perform the act. to perform the cold, heartless act... yet one of mercy. i saw it, the look in its eyes, "help me" it seemed to cry, "make it go away" i almost swear i saw a tear in its eye.

it was the right thing to do tho....right?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
rest easy..... have no fear.... i love you perfectly, and love has no fear, ill take your burden, you take my grace, rest easy..... in my embrace....

where is mine? ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10211753/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/10211753/ Thu, 28 Sep 2006 06:27:17 PDT
It's one of those things... driving a friend home from an event we were having, around 8:45ish, i just crested the hill on the gravel road.
there they were, two bright headlights belonging to a truck around 3 times the size of my car... roughly 7 feet away from my car, on my side of the road... split second decision, "go for the ditch!" thankfully there was a field driveway right there... almost as if this had been planned for a movie or something, swerved out of the way, an inch in either direction would have wrecked us, tho i must say, i handled it much better than my passenger did... paralized with fear for about 4 minutes. ^_^

after dropping her off. i went back and looked where it had happened... and noticed the trails in the mud and gravel... the way they went... the curves, the straight lines... none of it made sense... there was no way that gravel should have gripped like it did, the mud didnt slip, the tires stayed on the road... but they shouldnt have... i should have died.... but i didnt... hmmm.

makes you wonder sometimes... if i didnt wreck, then perhaps i still have not fulfilled my purpose, and it made me realize this... we could be gone any moment... not by our choice, live life... tell those you love that you love them, if its worth going for, then go for it. life is short, you never know when its going to be over. thats why im not giving up... never, i would sooner die alone than give up on her.

all of you i have never gotten to meet... thank you for being a part in my life over DeviantArt... just in case i never get to thank you in person ^_^ you will always have a place in my memories, and in my heart. thank you.


i guess death is still after me... but this is how my great grandmother described me, she had once said even death would have trouble getting his hands on this one...


some sort of blessing i guess... i know this much, it wasnt me who kept that car in just the right spot... right now i am just thankful to be alive and to get to say hello to all those around me... oh and to you! HELLO!

take care everybody....

(pondering to himself) hmm... that makes around 17 times i should have died but didnt... heh...

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rest easy..... have no fear.... i love you perfectly, and love has no fear, ill take your burden, you take my grace, rest easy..... in my embrace....

where is mine? ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9915822/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9915822/ Thu, 31 Aug 2006 06:51:22 PDT
Mood: *hovers*
Listening to: Angels and Airwaves, A Little's Enough
Reading: The Last Guardian
Watching: samurai x, betrayel

^_^, i call it that because this will most likely be the end of me, its one of those first ten people to comment get a free poem or picture or something...^_^

my art is terrible, so ask at your own risk, poems are my forte.

1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10:

^_^ i apologize in advance for the terribleness that is this ones art.

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rest easy..... have no fear.... i love you perfectly, and love has no fear, ill take your burden, you take my grace, rest easy..... in my embrace....

where is mine? ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9893326/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9893326/ Tue, 29 Aug 2006 07:19:04 PDT
Mood: huh?
Listening to: Angels and Airwaves, do it for me now
Reading: The Last Guardian
Watching: samurai x, trust

i sit here and type... words on a page of text, translated from a bunch of ones and zeros...

i had a dream last night, a disturbing one... it started with me picking up a few friends in a distant town, it was wonderful to see them... i dont get why i felt so... warm... accepted... like somebody was actualy glad to see me because i was there, not for what i could do. they got all dressed up fancy like, for some odd reason, aparently we were going out for a night on the town to have a good time. as we were walking along all of a sudden somebody....evil... came up from behind and snatched one of my friends away. we found her dead in his hands... everybody but me went into a rage on this man....creature...thing. i stood there... saddend, calm... as i picked up michel, and took her over to a bench and laid her down... i was heartbroken, there was no reason for her to die like this... why couldnt i protect her... is this what happens when i let my guard down? i walked over to where the man was, now pinned to the ground, and i asked him... "why?" and he stared at me with cold blue eyes and spoke these words. "i liked the way she looked, and i wanted her, but she would not be mine" at that point i told the others to let go of him, and he stood up... i reached out my hand, and grabbed him by the arm... and told him to walk with me, we both went over to where i laid her down, and i stood there with tears in my eyes, begging for her forgiveness for not protecting her, and i made him see what he had done to the innocent person. made him recognize what happend just because he couldnt control himself, and made him realize he was no longer innocent. slowly we walked back to the group... on the way there, overcome with guilt, the man attacked me, not wanting to pay for what he had done... quickly he drew a blade and thrust it at my eye, out of reaction and pure rage i put my hand in the way as the blade thrust through my skin, and i locked my fingers around the side of the now bloody blade, and backhanded it right into his temple... and i woke up... with this feeling, like there was some shadow, some dark thing, just waiting for the right moment to snatch away everything i care about, and leave me with nothing...

and that is when i realized it, what has changed... i remember last year at this time, it was football season, i had a reason to wake up every morning, a purpose for the day, and now... it all seems like nothing, there is no reason for the day anymore... not for me, and i know that is wrong, there are reasons to live, reasons to go on and do what you do... but no matter how hard i try, how much i try to convince myself, remind myself, that i should be happy just to be alive, that i am needed for my friends, it just doesnt feel like enough... i seem to have lost my reason for living...


...i know the answeres, i have a million reasons, but i just cant seem to make them matter in my mind right now... i miss it, i miss the feeling i had when i felt needed, the feeling of waking up in the morning with hope. hope that this day will bring something good around. hope that i can make a difference somehow today, waking up knowing that there is somebody that cares about me, and is not just trying to use me for theyre own end and good.
i miss feeling like a person.

is that what i have become? a machine bent on making sure everybody is happy? i had always said that just seeing somebody smile made me happy, but that was because i was truly happy inside, happy with myself, and now... i dont know anymore...

where is my teacher when i need to learn... is this a lesson i am to face alone?

i keep playing this song over in my head, "one more mile till i lay at rest, i have put myself through this rigid test. but the mile has never ended, no distance has been gained, i do not see the greatness, i had wanted to atain. where is my embrace, from the race that i have run, i have kept the steady pace, and still i have not won..."

i feel......empty...
i am off to face this day alone, this cold...empty...lifeless day.

rest easy..... have no fear.... i love you perfectly, and love has no fear, ill take your burden, you take my grace, rest easy..... in my embrace....

where is mine? ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9801061/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9801061/ Mon, 21 Aug 2006 06:30:26 PDT
Mood: Y_Y
Listening to: Stabbing Westward, Save Yourself
Reading: The Last Guardian
Watching: Accepted

Its official, im 19 now... well.. as of yesterday, started out the day by going to church...yay... then Grandpa Little took us out to lunch at the chinese place in perry, went home for an afternoon of absolute lazyness... then went back to church that evening, after the mini sermon we all had punch and cookies.

but this question has always bothered me... i understand why we celebrate a birthday... but what warrants the celebration of mine? what have i done that would make people want to remember the day i was born? up till now, what kind of legacy have i left behind? if i were to die today, how would people remember me? have i done everything i can do for those around me? have i spent these 19 years wisely? and i wonder, as master is most likely looking down and watching me, is he shaking his head or would he be proud of what i have become?

hmm... i would like to ask a favor of the people who read this, would you leave a comment on what you think of or what you see when you see or hear of me? i would really like to know what people see in me, selfish i know, but i just want to know.

i have so much more i want to say, but something is telling me that it is for another time... so i should end this befor i say it.

]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9733433/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9733433/ Tue, 15 Aug 2006 06:44:40 PDT a relationship seems to have lost its meaning to the world today, to me its a vow between two people to set themselves aside for each other... no distractions. devotion, commitment, loyalty. being able to put your heart in theyre hands without fear because you trust them with it.

and kenny... he is faring the best out of my students, seems to have common sense in his head. but still making interesting choices, not wrong ones, just... different.

i wonder if what i have been taught and am trying to teach is lost with the age... and oft times wonder if it is worth preserving and passing on to the younger ones, no doubt they would learn from it, but they have to choose to learn it first, and few want to do that... i turn back and look at my masters grave, and wonder if what he taught will die with me? he was the greatest man i ever met, taught me martial arts for 7 years, even left his dojo/school to me in his will, tho i had to decline do to the fact im not ready for that yet. always so kind, gentle, yet harsh and firm, trustworthy, wise... more and more i find myself missing him, he was like my father, due to the fact that mine isnt much of one... just a few nights ago i found myself yelling at my striking board asking why he had to leave... and yet, it was like he was right there saying "i left, but am here with you still, i live in your heart and in your memory... carry on, you are strong enough... remember that strength...true strength comes not from muscle, not from grit, but from the soul, from family, from your friends, this is true strength." and i said "but master, who can i turn to when my strength fails? when i cannot hold myself up?" and i waited... and waited for a response... but i didnt recieve one. deep down inside i know that i cannot fail, for if i crumble, what will become of those who rely on me?

codes, honor, chivalry, all these are slowly dissapearing... and it scares me... but it also fills me with a sense of purpose, i must shine the light i have been given even brighter than before. for the darkness is great, and this one wishes to show the light.

heh... i find that strange as well... for me at least, i have been on both sides of the fence in my life... darkness is what i thrived on, it is powerful, but wrong... but that life is another story. for another time.

"remember your friends, when family fails, when you fail, they will be your strength" "do not fear those who seem greater than you, it is a facade, i see in you a power and ability that i have not seen since i left my homeland, and i wish to cultivate it, would you allow me the honor of teaching you?" "focus! you must never loose sight of what your goal is!" "remember those who taugh you, respect those who defeat you, but never fear mortal man, we are all equal in a sense that we will all die..." sorry... these were quotes of my master, just stuff poping into my head... *slap* im reminiscing again...

..."carry on young one, be strong for those who cannot be strong for themselves" my uncle told me this, long ago... i wonder why he decided i was the one who would be passed the title of the gaurdian, yes i know its spelled differently, why was i picked? am i worthy of the title and all it means? i also look at the pendant and reversed blade he passed to me, he said "this is the gaurdians pendant, it is handed down from one to the next, dont loose it. and this is the sword of the gaurdian, observe how the edge is on the wrong side? protect others with this blade, it will be just enough."

im going to end this now, and try to find the clarity my mind is lacking. farewell ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9342729/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9342729/ Tue, 11 Jul 2006 11:43:11 PDT
two items i dont have alot of experiance in tho, and those are a and o and i disagree with n.... enjoy!

C- your wild and crazy
L- you live to have fun
A- darn good kisser
Y- one of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for
T- you're loyal to those you love
O- your one of the best in bed <_< -_-'
N- your absolutely beatuiful

a- darn good kisser
b- good to cuddle with
c- you're wild and crazy
d- you have one of the best personalities ever
e-you have a nice butt.
f- people totally adore you
g- you never let people tell you what to do.
h- have a very good personality and looks.
i- you get hyper easily.
j- everyone loves you.
k- you like to try new things
l- you live to have fun
m- success comes easily to you.
n- you are Absolutely beautiful
o- your one of the best in bed
p- you are popular with all types of people.
q- you are a hypocrite.
r- freaking sexy.
s-very good friend.
t- you're loyal to those you love
u- you really like to chill.
v- you are not judgemental.
w- you are very broad minded.
x- you never let ppl tell u wat to do
y- one of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for
z- you like it in the butt very very hard. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9326887/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9326887/ Sun, 09 Jul 2006 23:06:45 PDT had quite the scare today, miscomunication.... i hate it when that happens...
dont want to go into a lot of detail, but the jist of it is that i almost lost the greatest thing that has ever happend to me. and i must say i had the longest 52 mile drive of my lifetime.
got things patched up tho, but i feel bad that this even happend in the first place... hear that kids? communication is key! without it, bad things can happen.

ima gonna sleep now, i hope, been trying to for the past 2 hours, but its been eluding me, so i came here. ~_~ gnight ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9137786/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/9137786/ Wed, 21 Jun 2006 13:33:40 PDT
and i have been blessed beyond measure with somebody extremely special, wonderful, beautiful, angelic, supportive, inteligent, talented, wise and did i mention beatiful? and some of you even know her. she goes around here by the name of Kri-chan. i truly am the most blessed man alive. ^_^

sorry, just couldnt keep it to myself.
thank you all for listening! ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/8918454/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/8918454/ Tue, 30 May 2006 06:19:25 PDT Graduated on saturday... Didnt have my diploma, grandparents forgot to bring it after getting it signed... wonderful time, good friends, lots of people i havent gotten to see for a while.... biggest highlight of the day is KRI WAS THERE!!!!

and after all this.... got dumped sunday night by my girlfriend of 1 year and 2 months.... but she still calls me with her problems and how bad it hurts.... like its my responsability to take care of them... and im the idiot with the big heart that cares, WHY GOD?!?!?! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME SO CARING!?!?!?!?!?!
i just wanna forget. thats all i want.... well... for her to forget.... is that to much to ask!?

ugh.... so yah, this has been a wonderful graduation weekend. ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/8609748/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/8609748/ Fri, 28 Apr 2006 08:10:10 PDT
i wish i had more excitment in my life, or at least something interesting to draw.

currently working on a rp model, eheh, just slightly better than a stick figure at the moment.
any tips for inspiration? ]]> ~TheGaurdian http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/8081089/ http://TheGaurdian.deviantart.com/journal/8081089/ Mon, 06 Mar 2006 06:35:55 PST ~TheGaurdian