http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:TheInsanityCheese&section=today deviantART RSS for by:TheInsanityCheese en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:12:30 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/20804053/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/20804053/ Fri, 03 Oct 2008 05:57:22 PDT [link]

-Edit-

Ok so I'm sure all of you by now know about the amazing piece of buttfaggotry that is the proposed Great Firewall of Australia. That petition I've linked to needs as many signatures as possible to present an unignorable statistical example of how much the public of Australia don't want the filter to be turned on.

Found something else that's quite interesting:

[link]

The three guys in that video are:

Justin Milne - Head of Telstra BigPond's media dept, iiNet's Michael Malone and Internode's Simon Hackett.

By the way, if the government puts this through and the ISPs say no to it, they're going to be foreced to implement it. FORCED. Is this a democracy or did I wake up in Bizarro Australia that happens to be the same as China in the real world?

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/19992463/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/19992463/ Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:18:05 PDT [link]

Don't say I didn't warn you. Here's a cute cat for afterwards thought.

[link]

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/17773499/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/17773499/ Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:56:51 PDT
It SHOULDN'T be a matter of public scrutiny OR record and the clinics should not be picketed or stoned/egged/whatever. Additionally, the doctors that work at said clinics should not be assaulted. It's amusing that the pro-life fuckwits are actively trying to REMOVE the doctors lives, whilst under the impression they do it with impunity. Sorry, but no. Just because you think you're some kind of white knight, doesn't make you untouchable.

You want a reason why abortion should be legal, and fucking MANDATORY in some cases? Read this:

[link]

That's why.

Fuck all you pro-lifers.

Fuck both groups, honestly. Pro-lifers are evil, self-righteous pieces of shit. Pro-choices are pretentious fuckbags. And their input on whether persons A and B should get abortions should be FUCKING NIL.

The government should sanction a strategy where they go driving to all the pro-choice/life protests and fucking kneecap each and every one of them. It might shut them up and allow people to make their own decisions.

Me? I'm PRO-SHUTTING-THE-FUCK-UP-AND-LETTING
-PEOPLE-LEAD-THEIR-OWN-LIVES-WITHOUT-ANY
-PRETENTIOUS-NON-ALTRUISTIC-INTERFERENCE.

People think I'm evil for agreeing with abortion. I tell them they're stupid for completely missing my point.

Also, Christian Pro-lifers. Like your belief in an imaginary person is going to make your life that much easier after your fourth unwanted child. Government only gives you so much money.

ADDITIONALLY. Teen whores should get 3 abortions. After their third they should be forced to get their ovaries removed. Why?

IT'S CALLED CONTRACEPTION. IT'S CALLED RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S CALLED BEING A FUCKING STUPID WHORE WHO WILL NEVER EXERCISE EITHER OF THEM. Removing their gonads would be doing them a favour.

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11571401/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11571401/ Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:26:21 PST
]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11560691/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11560691/ Thu, 25 Jan 2007 04:00:07 PST
I got called arrogant because I knew more about a subject than a customer. Suffice it to say I told them I didn't appreciate their abuse and transferred them to someone who would placate their childish attitude by giving them free shit and soothing words. Fuck that. I'm not going to treat these cretins special just because they think they have a right to abuse me and I don't have the right to spit it back at them.

I had a disaster afternoon today. Went to go to work - Logan was hit with the storm to end all storms, trees down, no mobile services, flooded roads, no visibility....

When it finally clears up I start on my way to work only to have a tire explode on a corner, my wheels lock up on wet ground, and slammed into a curb - now I'm going to need a wheel alignment. Woohoo for not having any money again.

After that, when I finally managed to get the spare on and go home, clean up and head back out to try and get to work... local traffic jam because every fucker out there wants to act like they own the fucking road. I had people gesticulating at me, honking at me and dipping their highbeams at me like it was my fault the fucktard infront of me was too busy jerking off to child porn or whatever the fuck they were doing - HEY COCKHEADS!! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING JAM TOO, I WAS JUST AS FUCKING FRUSTRATED AS THE REST OF YOU ARROGANT SELFSERVING EGOTISTICAL SHITS - ALL I DID WAS SIT THERE AND LISTEN TO MY FUCKING RADIO LIKE A PATIENT PERSON.

So I wind up getting to work almost 3 hours late.

If aliens came down right now and said they were going to annihilate the planet and I was the only one who could stop them? I'd tell them to go ahead. This planet and the people on it deserve nothing but death and destruction. I hate it here.

Maybe I should get therapy - I'm a very angry person lately. Every time something doesn't work I hit it or throw it (broke a battery for my camcorder thisarvo - the charger said it was charged, the camcorder said it wasn't. After 5 goes, my wall broke the battery into about 5 pieces.)

You know what? Fucking whatever. The harder I try the worse it gets. And I'm sick of this fucking optimistic "look on the bright side". Fuck that, I don't want to as I don't think it exists. Just because you're a fucking hippie-brained idiot who thinks all is right with the world and people, doesn't mean I'm wrong for not subscribing to your self deluded bullshit mill.

I'm angered coz I want what I can't have, I'm given what I don't want, and I'm forced to reconcile that fucking huge gap between my ideals and reality. Reality is a whore and humanity is her braindead army.

God DAMN I'm a hateful prick. Like I said - no wonder no one likes me. Kirsten was right, I'm annoying. I mean hey, she's a childish bitch for that but she's still right.

I also think I should cut my penis off as it's not getting used and I'm tired of trying to impress ppl.

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11370387/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11370387/ Tue, 09 Jan 2007 03:45:07 PST
Smart
Funny
Good looking (shut the fuck up, I am and for the first time in my life I'm recognizing and admitting this as fact - I AM NOT BAD LOOKING AT ALL.)
Good in bed (see above)
Employed
Car
Own property
Able to joke and have fun
Able to care and listen
Considerate
Well-adjusted
Well dressed
Confident
Capable
Not afraid to learn something new
Chance-taker....

I could go on but my point is this: I am all of those things and more, and yet it still doesn't seem like it's enough. So here is my rebuttal.

To anyone who thinks I'm not any of the above, to anyone who thinks I'm not dateable or fuckable due to some perceived flaw, to anyone who thinks they can tell me I'm annoying, irritating, wierd, creepy, whatever - GO FUCK YOURSELF AS YOUR STANDARDS ARE INSANELY HIGH.

I'm sorry, but the point of unrelenting frustration has been passed. If you're going to lead me on, if you're going to waste my time, if you're going to change your pretenses, get the fuck away from me as I have better things to do than let you indulge your little shit. Fucking disgusted.

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11008890/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/11008890/ Sat, 09 Dec 2006 17:47:16 PST
Well I just ran out of steam bahahahaha..... oh well. I'll fill in the gaps later. My job sucks but what can you do? Any time you deal with other people you're dealing with stupidity in the masses so I guess the choice is deal with it, move on or firebomb.

My gf can't come round today, her car broked down. She rang me just before and was rather distressed. Poor girl. I'd have given her some chocolate if I was there.

The govt sent me a letter saying i owed them 400 ish bucks after tax time. THAT WAS MY CREDIT CARD BILL HALVED YOU FUCKHEADS!!! I thought the medicare levy was taken out of my pay.... fuck if I know. That's why I hate tax time. Bastards.

My ex-gf (and also housemate) just bought a freakin Celica. A '93 CELICA. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HOT THIS CAR IS!!! I have a '90 Pulsar Q N13. No bloody comparison. I almost cried with jealousy when she brought it home. How the hell does a 19 year old girl have a hotter car than a 23 year old guy? My girlfriend is probably going to melt and want to marry my ex after she sees the car too. God DAMN it's sexy. Red, with those cool lights that are hidden in the bonnet and then they pop out...

I turn 24 in 6 months. I'm getting old. That really sucks. Although I STILL get asked for ID at clubs/pubs/the bottle-o and people meeting me for the first time think I'm 17/18. THAT rocks. Kinda. Whilst it's annoying, it means i look half a decade younger than I am.

I need to start going to gym more. I got results last time but then I got freakin sidetracked by work and changed schedules and lack of money and all sorts of other things. Really bites too because my metabolism has chilled slightly - I can still eat heaps of crap and not suffer, but I don't have to try as hard to gain muscle mass. Which might actually mean my metabolism is increasing in efficiency. Who knows. All I know is that 2 trips had noticeable effects.

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/10598105/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/10598105/ Thu, 02 Nov 2006 20:49:38 PST
That is all.

]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/10096485/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/10096485/ Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:42:53 PDT
First example, customer I just had, new broadband customer. Got her shit working, all of a sudden Internet Explorer redirects to a spyware page.

Customer: "What's that?"

Me: "It's spyware, you need your computer cleaned unless you want more of it."

Customer: "Oh. Does my internet connection work?"

Me: "Yes, yes it does but..."

Customer: "Oh, so I can use it to browse now?"

Me: "Well, yes. If you want more of that crap on your computer. You need to get it
professionally cleaned before you should use the internet."

Customer: "So it's ok to use?"

Me: "Not really, it's just going to redirect to that site and install more shit every time you try."

Customer: "But you said it was working!"

Me: "......You're connected but...."

Customer: "Oh, so I'm ok to use the internet then?"

Me: "You need to get it professionally cleaned first."

Customer: "But..."

Me: "YOU NEED TO GET IT PROFESSIONALLY CLEANED."

Customer: "....So you're telling me I have to get it cleaned before I can use the internet?"

Me: "YES."

Customer: "But you said it was working!!"

Me: "..........."


WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DO I HAVE TO SAY TO THESE FUCKING IDIOT CUNTFLAP WANKOFFS TO GET THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME. THEY RANG ME FOR SUPPORT SO THEY SHOULD DAMN WELL SHUT THEIR GODDAMN YAPPERS AND LISTEN WHEN THEY ASK ME SHIT.

And what is with people arcing up at me when they're denied access to an account that they're not listed on, nor can they provide the correct details. IT'S CALLED PRIVACY YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER. IF YOU WANT TO COMMIT FRAUD GO DO IT ON SOMEONE ELSES TIME YOU COCKNOSED PIECE OF SHIT.

I just got told by some angry Russian fuck to "stop arguing" with him because he couldn't speak english well, I couldn't understand wtf he was trying to tell me, and he was making no sense. THIS IS FUCKING AUSTRALIA. IF YOU WANT TO SPEAK RUSSIAN GO BACK TO FUCKING RUSSIA YOU COMMUNIST PRICK.

And to the rest of you fucks - on that last comment: if I went to Japan I'd make sure I knew Japanese. Germany, German. WHY THE GODDAMNED SATAN-COCK-SUCKING FUCK CAN PEOPLE NOT TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY?? IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK MY GODDAMN LANGUAGE, DON'T EXPECT HELP AND DON'T MOUTH OFF AT ME IN YOUR DIRTY FUCKING TONGUE, I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR DUNDERHEADED BULLSHIT.

There, that feels alot better. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/9141526/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/9141526/ Wed, 21 Jun 2006 20:11:33 PDT ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/8706606/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/8706606/ Mon, 08 May 2006 02:48:05 PDT
After that, seeing some spectacular sights and enjoying the cold mountain air, we made our way to Oaks on Collins, a bloody AWESOME 4-and-a-half-star hotel, which had a very nice (albeit smallish) room waiting for us on the 5th floor. That was pretty nice, we spent that night drinking some wine and eating tacos and nachos from Taco Bill (no, not Taco Bell). The next day we went nuts on spending, I got some very nice pants and shirts and actually looked my age wearing them for once. Some people think it's cute, but I hate looking like a 17 year old, especially when I'm 2 days from 23 years at the time of writing this!! On Friday night we went drinking with some friends, and tried absinthe for the first time. Now this is so good it deserves it's own paragraph.

Absinthe. I've heard it described as "orgasmic". I've heard it spoken of with fear, respect, even loathing sometimes. All I can say is... god DAMN it has a kick in it!! 70% alcohol, 10mg/kg of thujone (a hallucinogen), and a wicked anise flavour, not to mention a searing heat when it goes down. I have to agree with the person who called it orgasmic. One shot each was all we could manage (not just because it was wickedly strong but also coz the bartender didn't recommend a repeat dosage on our first time). It crept up, and after half an hour, in the space of a second, I suddenly felt alot more drunk than I had a second previously. Damn it was good.

The next day was more shopping, and the day after we came home. To work. And life. DAMMIT!! ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/8435112/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/8435112/ Tue, 11 Apr 2006 05:57:22 PDT
So what's new? Hmm... getting close to my 23rd (my fiance tells me I have wrinkles!! her cruelty is beyond comparison!!), going for a home loan in a couple months, erm.. job with AAPT going ok I spose, sales is a shit job no matter who you are.... me and susan bought a gemini a little while back, we're meant to be fixing it up, it's slowly happening, replacing the fuel pump was a nightmare, especially when we realise some dickhead had wopped a non-standard electric pump on it and looped the pneumatic pump back on itself. I mean why? Well at the end of the day we have a pneumatic fuel pump that works, and another pneumatic fuel pump that works too probly, and an electric pump that was literally bashed on there, doing not-much. Fun, eh?

What's new in tech-world? Hmm.. got a new mobo, CPU, HSF and Vid card for my 'puter, got a PSP, got a motorola L7 mobile phone, bought a new fridge with susan the other day... lots of spending! But it's good to have money to spend, and still a couple grand in savings. I rock! Don't I rock? ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5764565/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5764565/ Sun, 26 Jun 2005 17:56:34 PDT ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5434408/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5434408/ Fri, 24 Jun 2005 19:25:41 PDT
# Got a new girlfriend
# Got a halfway decent job
# Moved in with a good buddy o'mine who's totally fucking cool, and his dad, who is also fucking cool
# Started saving money
# Got the fuck out of TAFE for a while
# Started enjoying my life instead of bitching about how I was so busy and didn't have time for life.

So yeah. I rock, and y'all emo posing who-wannabe-motherfuckers who think your lives are so fucking hard, contrived motherfuckers. Try this:

- getting cheated on twice
- losing your shit and nearly comitting suicide
- getting kicked out of 2 houses
- getting betrayed by people you thought were your friends
- having someone toy with your emotions, someone who should know better
- failing the FUCK out of something you actually put alot of effort into for once
- losing a family member (my grandfather, who i was real close to)
- getting into financial shit

And then you can come back and bitch that your lives are fucked. Oh, and that was in about 6 to 8 months, not over time. Fuck y'all.

Oh by the way, that doesn't go out to everyone - some people are excempt from my belligerence, and you know who ya's are. If there's any question in your mind, if you're unsure if you are or not for whatever reasons, then you're probly NOT one of the exempt few.

P.S. I'm not whining, in the above rant. I'm using it to highlight the fact that even through all that, I'm still a fair bit happier than I "should" be, and in fact happier than alot of people whose lives are "perfect." Losers. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5369363/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5369363/ Sun, 15 May 2005 23:51:22 PDT
Alright, party highlights.

1) The fact that so many awesome people came
2) When I put "Freak on a Leash" on and did the Jonathan Davis freak-out off the clothesline along with 3 or 4 or 8 other half-nekkid people.
3) My little spiel when I found a huge mug to drink from.

"One Mug to rule them all, one Mug to find them, one Mug to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them!!"

4) All the drinking I did.... we all did, lol.
5) The afterglow the next day.

I also remember James kissing Krazy, I kissed Pretty (a guy) as well, everyone kissed everyone else... there was a random guy who walked past named Martin, he was pretty cool so we invited him in.... I remember eating handfuls of space-cake and i somehow got some in my pocket as well... moshing with everyone in the backyard, screaming along to Disturbed and Drowning Pool, someone kept stickin Rammstein on as well....

Oh my god. That party was so awesome. Kudos to EVERYONE for coming, you're all totally awesome beautiful people, and I hope we can mosh and party and drink like that another time soon.

\m/ >_< \m/ ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5324600/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/5324600/ Tue, 10 May 2005 20:43:44 PDT so... I'm not gona say much.

I'm good, in a happy mood, employed now (woohoo) still with Janine (again, woohooo!) and yeah.... Just passed my 22nd birthday (10th of May) and im chucking a party for it this weekend (14th of May) and so far its looking to be pretty good.

Top 5 songs most-listened to on Nathans iPod

#1) "Vermillion part 2" - Slipknot
#2) "Duality" - Slipknot
#3) "Passive" - A Perfect Circle
#4) "Wait and Bleed" - Slipknot
#5) "Eulogy" - Tool

thats about it....
------------------
Current Song: "Sleep Deprivation" - Professional Murder Music ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4929670/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4929670/ Sun, 27 Mar 2005 23:28:10 PST
Anywho, I've decided that yes, I'm going to move to the ACT, for the noble purpose of having a real shot with the girl that I love. Oh and this isn't like last time, lol, when I "made my mind up" then got all wierd and shit, heh. None of that. But yeah... I'm gona have to get my shit organised, and move it down there into storage or something - I can stay at Janines for a little while (like a couple weeks max) till I find a place, Jen already said it was OK.

List of things to do:
- Get license so I can get a car
- Whittle the amount of crap that I've got down to a minimum to make it easier and less costly to move
- Try and get my TAFE course transferred to somewhere in ACT
- Move my shit and somehow get storage.

So yeah... doesn't LOOK like alot, but trust me theres shitloads of work involved there. All I'm gona say about this is:

It better be fucking worth it, because I don't have a contingency plan and I don't intend to make one. I don't hedge my bets and I want to try for this with 110% of what I can. Me and my girlfriend only have to hold out a little longer and then I'll be with her properly - not this distance thing, which while preferable to nothing, is not prefarable to actually being there. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4740756/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4740756/ Sun, 06 Mar 2005 07:08:15 PST
So here I am sitting on Jen's computer, my feet like 2 lumps of ice, my fingers numb, my nose doing its patented impression of Niagra... on a HEAVY day. Oh well, I can deal. Janine is at work. She is working TOO DAMN HARD. I mean it's admirable but she's really tired and kinda faded, sorta. I hope that my prescence here is doing something for her though, I mean I knew she was gona be mega-busy, I just hope that I'm managing to help in my own way. She's such a great girl... as beautiful and sexy as ever, lol.

The flight here was pretty routine. There was a little turbulence and a few seconds of free-fall at one point... well like one or two seconds. It felt pretty gnarly, actually. Oh and about 20 minutes before landing, we passed a massive storm cell - it was beautiful. I was on the right-hand-side of the plane, window seat, and I could see all the lightning hitting the ground, and arcing between clouds, and flashing and lighting up the clouds from the inside... it was fantastic - I've always wanted to see a storm from higher up, I'm glad I was able to.

Well... uh theres nothing else exciting to write... theres an episode of SNL on Foxtel... and it really sucks. Like, it's the worst episode that any of us (me, Jen and Ben) have EVER seen. It's not even funny; its fucking painful is what it is. No amount of weed could fix this. =/ ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4633714/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4633714/ Sun, 20 Feb 2005 23:06:19 PST
I'm happy... so much happier than I was last year.... Going down to see Janine next week, can't wait for that.

Got a double bed today, that rocks. Only had to pay like 30 bucks for it too, bought it off one of my old housemates who moved out.

Erm... talked to my dad on saturday, asked his advice about moving. He was behind me 100%. His only advice was to stop looking to everyone else to allay my fear, and to make the choice and be comfortable with it. To come to it on my own terms, so to speak. To tell you the truth m that was exactly what I needed to hear. Which totally rocked.

So.... yeah!! sometime soon I hope, I'll be shifting my base of operations to ACT, hehe. Huzzah for me!!! ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4542135/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4542135/ Mon, 14 Feb 2005 02:28:50 PST
I've given myself 4 weeks to scratch up enough dough, by any means necessary, to go and see Janine again. I'm aiming for about $300 to $400 bucks right now (say 200 for the tickets, 200 spending money; whatever I get from centerlink will help too even after i pay rent so yeah...). Oh, and I'm also lookin for a job down there to start sometime in the next few months. Talk about complicated... I have no idea how I'm gona pull off moving my stuff, getting a job and getting accomodation all at once. Better hope I can pull another rabbit out of the proverbial hat. Can't stay at Janines, it's too damn small even if I only brought my scruffy self and some clothes. Well, thats what I think anyway. I'm not gona ask because it'd be rude.

I wanna know how everyone else manages to state-hop all the damn time and survive. I've got absolutely no idea where to begin, in all honesty. I need some help, hahahaha.... its all so complicated, but it's something I wanna do so that my eventual plans work out (RE: be happy, have a family, have a decent job, etc etc etc and all that guff). I'm not dating Janine for the short-term thrills, I'm dating her for the long-term benefit.... although the short-term thrills kick ass too *guffaw* But seriously - I want to make a serious committed effort here. Don't know exactly where to begin though.

My head hurts. >_<.

-UPDATE-

Anybody here know exactly how terrifying the idea of moving state for the sake of a person is? Well, it's doubly terrifying for me, seeing as my dealings with other people tend to end in failure, tears and heartbreak alot of the time. Dammit, im gona do it, it'd be cruel to 2 people (myself and Janine) if I didn't - but that doesn't change the fact that it's scary. People do it every day - I want the success of this venture to pay off triple-infinity-times the investment I put in; in other words, I want it to work not for weeks, or months, but for a great number of years. The only person who seems to have faith in the belief that it will is me - I don't have the moral or emotional support of any of my family, who are CONVINCED that its not gona work, i think. I love how my mother especially can live and believe such a conflicting existence - she wants me to be happy, but she seems utterly resolute in the belief that I can't make any decent choices that will lead me to happiness and my best bet is to do what SHE wants.

She doesn't get it. I want a family at some point in the not-terribly-distant future, im talking 5 to 10 years prolly, just like everyone else. But I want to start working on that NOW. Setting up a decent foundation for it is as important as building something on those foundations. I don't want it to be something that i fall into after 2 months of being with the person, like so many people do these days, I ALSO don't want to wind up being a multiple-divorcee like my father. Can't any of them see that? I can make these decisions now, and I can think seriously about this NOW, not LATER.

GRR!! Sometimes I wish that I was omnipotent - then I could do and have everything I ever wanted exactly the way I want it to be. :S ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4484565/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4484565/ Wed, 02 Feb 2005 22:43:38 PST
... What, you expect me to have something useful or inspirational to say? You give me too much credit.

I miss you, Janine. Hear that? YOUR BOYFRIEND MISSES YOU. Take a chance on me, comeon. I'm not gona turn out to be a prick like your ex. I took a chance on you - and I'm glad I did. I hope it pays off. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4175112/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/4175112/ Tue, 28 Dec 2004 06:34:00 PST
It's just been so fucking syncopated though - nothing is static, nothing stays the same, it all seems to warp and distort until it's a travesty of what it used to be. and it's SO FUCKING VOLATILE, whether thats my fault directly, indirectly or I just have fucking shitty luck, I don't know - but it's really starting to piss me off. I'm going to be a strange kind of lonely on New Years, what with missing my girlfriend and all - but at least I have a girlfriend to miss. At least that's what I'm assuming. History would dictate that it's a foolish assumption to make because hey, it's me we're talking about here. I don't care though really, it's enough for me that I love her, it allows me to make assumptions like that and hope for the best. I'll probably get plastered on New Years and either ring her or SMS her and tell her how much I love her, in true Nate style.

Ok well, lets get on to some slightly more cheery talk - my Christmas. Well, in terms of presents, I got from my mother, an iPod-mini and a CD restoring kit, and from my dad, I got a Nokia N-gage Phone/game system/mp3 and video player and over $5000 worth of PC software that he scored cheap in Malaysia. Oh, and I got $50 off my grandma. Now, as for the social side, it sucked. I was bored, tired and lonely for 3 days. I couldn't even scratch up the motivation to get drunk. My stepdad did though, and he got obnoxious, as he always does. I fucking love family, don't you? Oh, and on the third day, my brother picked a fight with me, my gran picked a fight with my mum, and the end result was me and mum screaming at each other and her taking me home early. I was SUPPOSED to go see "Meet the Fockers" with them but NO.

I loathe the vast majority of 2004. I had it all planned, you know? I had it all set up, and then it all fell from the bottom out. People keep saying "Well if that happens, it wasn't meant to be, you were doing something wrong..." but they have yet to actually tell me the useful facts: WHAT EXACTLY AM I DOING WRONG?

If 2005 doesn't get a hell of alot better fucking FAST, then I don't know what I'm going to wind up doing, or becoming, or whatever. First item on the agenda is to go and see Janine in late-January, early-February, to see her and also to help her sister with a movie trailer thing. I am banking on that going well, like REALLLY well, and it relies on events preceding those dates and following todays date. From now until then, is the time of telling. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3954653/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3954653/ Tue, 30 Nov 2004 09:21:46 PST
Just the usual to say - miss my gf, worried about where my life is going, trying to find myself and stuff. Just the same old same old.

Right now I'm listening to "Our Farewell" by Within Temptation. Awesome song, very sad and sweet - but full of hope. I love the chorus the best - it kinda "speaks" to me, lol... I know that sounds terribly emo of me but it's true. Especially the first line of it. here, I'll write the lyrics of the chorus.

"Sweet darling, you worry too much
My child, see the sadness in your eyes.
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are"

It's true, I really do worry WAY too much, and it hurts things in my life that I hold dear. It hasn't made things any easier for me or my girlfriend, thats for sure. So sorry that I'm such a bag of worry, babe. I don't mean to be.

The bridge/last verse is pretty awesome as well.

"So sorry your world is tumbling down
I will watch you through these nights
Rest your head and go to sleep
Because my child, this is not our farewell.
This is not our farewell. "

Man, this song is really powerful. It's one of those songs that might make you want to cry, but it has happy bits in it. Everyone needs to go out and get it like RIGHT NOW. Another good one is "Bittersweet". Not so hope-filled as "Our Farewell", as the name suggests, it's bitter-sweet.

Arrr, anyway, I'm gona sign off now, so yeah.

Leave you with a final thought, a line from "Bittersweet" -

"If I tell you, will you listen? Will you stay? Will you be here forever? Never go away?"

Oyasuminasai all! ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3935621/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3935621/ Sat, 27 Nov 2004 22:41:58 PST
I feel like that guy in Fight Club, the one that Ed Norton plays. I feel like I want to completely decimate everything good in my life. I feel like I want to drive everyone close to me, everyone that cares, away from me forever, so that I'm left with nothing and no-one.

I feel like destroying something beautiful.

Just fuck off and leave me alone. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3914916/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3914916/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 05:46:57 PST
Whats new in my life? Hmm, lets see... on monday I got my tongue pierced. After thinking about it for a few weeks, nay, MONTHS, I decided to suck it up, take the pain, and wear my new piercing with pride. I'm not gona say it didn't hurt - jesus, the piercing was bad enough, and the past 3 days have been sheer excruciating pain - between the swelling, the bruising, the pain and the inability to eat properly, I've been left feeling a little strange - low blood sugar and a high amount of painkiller will do that to a person (I've been taking 600mg of ibuprofen in one hit, reccommended maximum dosage is 400mg - but oh shit does that do the trick to take the swelling down and kill the pain!!) It's more-or-less healed now though, I have almost complete tongue mobility back, and my speech is pretty normal - I have a slight lisp but thats because of the 1" of stainless steel in my main talking muscle, heh.

But the topic of pain, risks, aftercare and healing lead me on a bit of a rant. Doctors and medical practitioners are over-hyping bullshit artists when it comes to piercings and body mods. they run around waving their arms, and crying out "RISK OF INFECTION!! RISK OF PAIN!! RISK OF DEATH!!" every time someone mentions the words "body" and "piercing" in one sentence. The most stupid one I've heard is that a tongue piercing invariable leads to a brain infection and death. Thats like saying "walking down the road invariably leads to a grand piano hurtling from a high-rise and smashing you into the ground." It's not gona happen - for the record, cutting your finger is more likely to lead to a brain infection. And sneezing is likely to burst an anuerysm or give you a stroke. If you're going to think like that, don't come near me or I might be forced to pound you on the head a few hundred times, to see if it knocks some sense and information into you.

Oh yeah, theres risks. A tongue piercing is a high-risk thing, it's nothing to be laughed at. And sure, theres been lots of people admitted to hospital who have been rendered speechless or tongueless due to massive nerve and tissue damage. Heaps of people wind up very sick from systemic infections. But then again - these are the same people who either:

A. Pierce it themselves
B. Get it pierced in a dirty grotty little shithole of a tattoo parlour
C. Get one of their "friends who is a professional" to do it or
D. Don't look after it properly afterwards.

And as far as I see it, anyone stupid enough to do it that way, and not do their research, DESERVES the massive health complications that come hand in hand with being ignorant, uninformed, neglectful, naiive and just plain STUPID. Look at me - I have 3 earrings in me left earlobe, one bar in my left eyebrow, a titanium ball-ring in my lip, and an inch of stainless steel barbell in my tongue, and I am perfectly healthy. I have always ('cept my ear) been pierced by a qualified professional, in fact my eyebrow, lip and tongue were all done at the same place, I'm a returning customer - that means they're GOOD. They always use sterilized clamps, ALWAYS use fresh needles to pierce EVERY time, none of this reusing needles bullshit that less legitimate places carry on with to save costs - they have an autoclave RIGHT THERE ON THE BENCH, and a brightly lit, clean, dental-van-smelling room. Result? Happy customer, good piercing experience, minimum of hassles afterwards. It's simple, people: FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING AFTER-CARE INSTRUCTIONS TO THE FUCKING LETTER - or don't complain when your piercing becomes mutagenic and kills you in your sleep.

And as for the doctors and their risks? Feh. Bunch of fucking extremists. They carry on as if even the sight of a piercing is lethal, scare heaps of people off getting them, make pierced folk look bad in the public eye, and piss off piercers and pierced alike everywhere. They need to step the fuck back and instead of being extremist about it, look at it sanely, and logically. Sure there are risks, but major surgery is more risky - shit, I just lost my grandfather to a bunch of surgeons who fucked up repeatedly. Don't see the piercers getting all mad at the doctors, do you? Major surgery, as I said, is more risky, but the surgeons are happy to chop you up like a Christmas roast because it's THEM getting the money at the end of the day.

I HATE people who view piercings with fear and disrespect people who have them - I HATE it when they come up to me and say "ehh, you're gona die from brain infections and blood poisoning you fucking freak of nature" - I HATE... ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3806106/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3806106/ Thu, 11 Nov 2004 23:30:23 PST
Anyway, he's currently in multiple organ failure, and he's not expected to make it through the night. We went to see him in ICU last night, but he was hooked up to all these machines and he was comatose, so he didn't know we were there.

I held his hand for a bit. He didn't even know I was there.

I had to watch my grandmother break down and go into denial, and my little brother couldn't cope with it, and he broke down as well. He's only 14, this is going to tear him apart.

I'm not going to go and see him again tonight. I don't want to remember my grandfather as being comatose and hooked up to machines to keep him alive. As it is, with the visit last night, which I wanted to do, I now have that image in my head. It's hard enough to deal with, and I don't want to subject myself to it again. I don't want to see him like that again.

I want it to be over, I don't want him to be hooked up to those machines anymore, it's undignified.

I can't worry about myself right now, I need to be there for my family. They need me more than I do.

I'm really going to miss him.

-EDIT-

He passed away at 12.25 pm today, leaving behind a wife, a son and daughter, a son-in-law, and 5 grandchildren. He will be missed.

Tomorrow night I'm getting together with a small group of my friends and having a drink in his memory at the Vic in Brisbane. I think he would have appreciated that. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3714129/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3714129/ Sun, 31 Oct 2004 06:43:29 PST

Started a new AMV - I'm putting the X/1999 movie to "Body Crumbles" by Dry Cell, the album version (theres a demo version, the version on the Queen of the Damned ST, and the album version - its the best of the 3, heh) although I dunno if I'll finish it, because I'm kinda uninspired...

Ohh well, guess I'll just see what happens. Oh fuck, i gotta get that paperwork for the new house filled out too, shit!!! *runs off to do that* ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3707253/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3707253/ Sat, 30 Oct 2004 08:57:26 PDT
Hopefully me and Sarah get this place we checked out yesterday, and Shireen doesn't become the female version of a softcock and pansy out on us - if she does, I'll never forgive her. But if we get this place, at least I can get ON with my life... Ahh whats the difference, I'm not gona amount to shit and I don't count for dick in anyones book anymore, and thats clear to me now. I bet people do care if I live or die... but only enough to pander me, and not to actually step in if something does go hideously disastrously wrong with my life like it always seems to.

Ahh, just ignore me - its 2am, I'm tired and irritable. Not depressed, not unhappy, just irritable. =/ ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3689800/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3689800/ Wed, 27 Oct 2004 20:08:59 PDT ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3677159/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3677159/ Tue, 26 Oct 2004 07:14:16 PDT
Not much to say, either... ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3667756/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3667756/ Mon, 25 Oct 2004 01:09:16 PDT
I miss my girlfriend...alot... I tend to worry too much as well, and instead of me being able to ignore it, it snowballs, until I'm worried about everything. All it really is is stress, and I have been wanting to just hold my girlfriend in my arms and that this week - due to the distance I havn't been able to, so I just sit here getting more and more anxious and short-tempered. I haven't been able to talk to her over the weekend because she's at her parents house in Newie and they only have dial-up, lol... That's been difficult because I've been wanting to talk to her for a few days, and in the absence of that I've become rather terse and short with people. I feel at the moment that I'm making a mess of this for myself - but I know Janine loves me the same as I love her, and I have faith in her. I'm just tired and stressed, lol... I suppose everyone has the right to be in a pissed-off mood every now and again...

Haven't slept properly in about a week, so it feels like I haven't slept at ALL in a week Thats not dun - between my roommate coughing his guts up all fucking night and then bringing home drunk chicks at 4am and talkin and talkin and talkin when I'm tryin to fucking sleep does not help.

Made some radical adjustments (improvements) to my social circle yesterday. I should have pruned out certain people months ago but I didn't, given that I believed they'd be worthy of my forgiveness and friendship if I tried hard enough - all it was doing was making me look like I was hung up on the past and it was straining other things in my life. So I basically cut myself off from them last night. That way, I can't say anything to them, they can't say anything to me, and I can't get in trouble for shit I didn't do or say anymore. Some people, I just shouldn't have ever met. It wasn't worth any of it.

Hmm well - that was my weekend anyway, lol... I'm sure it sounds all mopey and depressed but I'm not - I'm actually pretty cheerful today. Went and hung in Brisbane with Shafeen for a bit this afternoon, bought some red camo pants and bought a gift for Janine, which she should get in a few days . I really hope she likes it, too. Love you, babe. Even though I'm a bit of a retard when it comes to my feelings I have my heart in the right place, and I won't ever change that. Being in love with you and having you by my side (both physically and metaphorically) is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I hope it stays like this for... a bloody long time. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3624358/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3624358/ Tue, 19 Oct 2004 04:10:34 PDT
Life is... interesting at the moment. Whether its fighting with my housemates, fighting with my family, fighting with myself, trying to beat back people who are trying to interfere in my relationship... well, put it this way, I'm getting increasingly more frustrated every day. The only thing that HASNT changed is the way I feel about my girlfriend. I love her so damn much, and its tearing me apart to be away from her right now. I'm not going to start saying "I don't know how much more of this I could take" because I'd go to hell and back for this girl. There may be uncertainty there, and I'm slightly scared too... but nothing is going to make me question my love for this girl. I just have to work through some insecurities I have.

In the good news department, I found out today that I can transfer my course to anywhere doing the same course in AUSTRALIA, not just QLD, which rocks. It's a nationally-based course, Craig tells me (Craig is our Biochem/Maths teacher, he's cool), and he says that save a massive shift in curriculum, then there shouldn't be a hassle. And as for deferring, he said just finish the one year, then don't come back next year, until i feel like doing it. I hear a few people have the same kinda ideas that I do, to just take a year off or shift their base of operations, as it were.

Oh, and on the note of moving, I may not have to. It all hinges on whether Janine gets this job position she went for. If she does, I don't have to move. Either way though, her and I are going to be together sometime hopefully in the not too distant future. The idea is kinda scary, and there's "future uncertainty" present there as well... but thats to be expected, and its able to be worked through. I'm just glad I have such a great girlfriend, I really don't deserve her. Love you, babe. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3514594/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3514594/ Mon, 04 Oct 2004 20:31:59 PDT

So yeah, I have to look into getting a course transfer, and getting my shit moved down there. I'm sure thats going to be prohibitively expensive, but oh well. And I KNOW that there are going to be alot of doomsayers on this idea, people who think I'm being foolish, people who think that it's not worth trying with Janine, because of my rather bad track record with girls. . .

But to them I say - So what the fuck am I supposed to do then? Just not bother trying with Janine, because it could fail? Not bother doing what everyone else does and TAKE A FUCKIN CHANCE with the girl I love? I say "Fuck you and your fucking opinion" to these doomsayers. It's not worth being with her if I'm not going to try, and these people would be HAPPY if i didn't try. Its as simple as this - I love her, and I want to be with her, and if that entails moving state, then so fucking be it. Its not like I'm doin a whole lot of anything except stagnating here in Brisbane anyway, so I won't be leaving much behind at all. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3305891/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3305891/ Tue, 07 Sep 2004 05:45:33 PDT
Oh yeh, I've been told that my uncle Peter might be moving him and his family over here to Australia, which will be so awesome, seeing as I havnt seen him in years. Uhm.. I got my Dolby Digital 5.1 Home Theatre for my DVD-Player finally (LG model number FA3000AWE, its totally awesome)...

Things are going well in what can be finally called my love life. Although she hasnt been online in 2 days and I kinda miss her... but I remain vigilant, lol, in that she will be back anytime. *heart* U baby

Uhh, SupaNova approaches soon too, but between TAFE and other things, im not gonna have much money to go, plus I'm not really entirely sure I WANT to... Just dont feel comfortable around that many people yet. Still wary of large crowds and things. But if I get like royally wasted or something like the mornings that its on I might go. Although I got my mates 21st to go to the Saturday night... Ahh we'll see what happens. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3002352/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/3002352/ Fri, 30 Jul 2004 08:41:18 PDT
And I confessed something to a close female friend of mine that I'd been wanting to say for a long time.... pretty much as long as I've known her... and it was good coz not only did she thank me and seem flattered, she responded in kind. Maybe there is hope for people after all... I'm just not sure exactly what can be done about it though, due to multiple problems theres not alot to be done right NOW, maybe in a couple months, hopefully. And theres the issue of my trust, or lack thereof, in people. Not because they cant be trusted, but because I don't know how to trust people after my experiences this year, hehe... and I dont wish that on anyone... I'm a paranoid person by nature, not sure why... but yeh, its at a nasty level now. I'll fix it though, for this person. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2893402/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2893402/ Fri, 16 Jul 2004 00:04:27 PDT
*long suffering sigh*

I guess there goes my casual sex partner... For fucks sake.... ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2893395/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2893395/ Fri, 16 Jul 2004 00:03:11 PDT
*long suffering sigh*

Oh well, I guess there goes my casual sex partner. For fucks sake... ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2889982/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2889982/ Thu, 15 Jul 2004 15:34:53 PDT )...

It's been exactly a week since I moved into this place. Talk about an eventful couple of days. First night in, last friday, I got laid. By one of my hot female housemates. Twice. Then things went a little funky as she got back with her ex-bf. So yeh. A week goes by, I'm as toey as a rabbit ( hehehe ), trying to get back into her panties, like any self-respecting guy would, and all, it seems, is to no avail. Till last night. A male friend of hers came over, and we all started getting happy together. There wasnt enough alcohol to get drunk, just happy. Anyway, I stole a kiss off her, and it started the ball rolling. As a side-note, she almost got a threesome happening (2 guys... not exactly my kinda thing, and lucky for me it turned out he thought not too. Plus he was beat from all the fucking he had been doin over the hols.) Oh well, said I. Not being one to waste a good opportunity, me and her started going at it, and did so till like 4 in the morning, at which point I went to bed.

We basically agreed to be normal housemates everywhere but the bedroom, lol, so we agreed to be CSB (casual sex buddies). No strings attached. We both said the same rule as well: neither of us is allowed to fall in love with the other, lol... we're both aware that it could happen, but the good thing is that neither of us are really looking for anything more than casual sex. Which is a good thing, coz I got more to worry about right now than having another serious relationship. But geez... I'm so fucking glad I moved in here, haha....

On a slightly sadder note, one of my other housemates, her grandma died. Which really sucks. She came and woke me up at like 6 so I could comfort her. I did my best, gave her a big hug, and listened to her when she said she hated herself for not seeing her grandma the last time she had a chance. I told her it wasnt her fault and she couldnt have known, which is totally true. She seems to be doin ok, I really do hope she'll be ok.

So after a night of sex and lack of sleep, I'm ready to go to TAFE and sign on for prac classes in my course. Of course I'm mildly hallucinating from sleep deprivation, but oh well... *passes out on desk and forgets how he got there* ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2838525/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2838525/ Fri, 09 Jul 2004 12:27:25 PDT ) and I'll be getting drunk with her tonight, hehehe.... she dumped her bf today coz he was too boring, oh, and cried at the drop of a hat. Rodrieguez, his name was. Yeh, ok, so I cry sometimes too, but it takes alot.

Anyway, jesus fucking CHRIST things are looking like SOOO much better!! I have internet again, like high-speed internet, like UNLIMITED DL's internet!! *does happy dance* I'm not gonna be depressed anymore, fuckit, like, I'm 21, I'm intelligent, I'm (relatively) good looking (or at least so I'm TOLD.... ) and I'm studying a course that will make me MAJORLY successful if I see it thru to completion. As Dr Otto Octavius says- "Intelligence is a gift that should be used for the good of mankind." Well... maybe I dont plan on using it for the benefit of mankind... planning the eventual obliteration of the human race AND earth... mwaHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Dude... I just... its like... I got my break, I did, and I am NOT gonna fuck it up this time by getting involved with a *censored* who *removed to avoid possible conflict, and a possible contract on authors life* when she *censored due to offensive nature*.

And that is THAT my friends!! and my enemies too, which I'm sure I have plenty. Nate is back, kicking ass and making breakfast... wait thats not right.... anyway.... its Nate 2.0 baybeeeee!!!! ^_^ \/ I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna become a successful forensic investigator, I'm gonna be rich and successful, maybe I'll start trading options and get like uber-filthy-rich or some shit...

And fuck all the people who held me back, fuck all the people who distracted me, fuck EVERYONE who made me hollow promises, fuck you to all the people who broke my trust (you know who you are, and theres more than one), I'll be laughing when I'm a fucking rich bastard. Just you watch. And you'll come apologising and shit, and I'll tell you to go piss in your shoe, hang yourself from a lightpole with bungee rope, and burn in some pissy backwater shithole in the deepest darkest corner of Satans "Anus Love" brothel.

Nate has spoken. God would have, but he prefers to let his superiors have the final word.

Update - 5.25 am

SHIT YES!! Holy SHIT yes!!! I'm so fucking glad I moved in here!!! I'M BACK IN THE SADDLE BAY-BEEEEE!!!! I wish I knew my secret... Living at St Lucia is going to fucking RAWK from now on for.... multiple reasons... .... hehehe..... yeh. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2722317/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2722317/ Tue, 22 Jun 2004 20:06:57 PDT
Its just... I don't wanna angst about it, but I'm not gonna lie and say it doesnt hurt. I need to find out how to stop it hurting, I need to find a way to look at it and go "yes, its over, this is the way it is, and everything is fine" (the way its described in books like "Awareness" by Anthony DeMello and "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle is to accept the current moment as it is, realise it couldn't be any other way, and realise that I am fine, and that I have everything I need). It just feels like its two steps forward, one step back, which is frustrating as hell.

And some of this its possible to look at objectively, like the rather obvious truth that had I stayed with her, then I would always be getting hurt, I would always have to question what was going on behind my back... (i didnt have to question what was going on infront of my face... I saw it for myself... it was so unfair, I think thats why it hurt so badly.)

I mean, there was never any question in my heart or in my mind that I loved Kerri, never any question at all. And in hindsight, maybe I should have told her alot sooner, in a slightly better set of circumstances (i pondered it for about a week after I realised that I was infact falling in love again), or maybe I should have cut and run right then, and never looked back. But I can sit here second-guessing my actions until I'm so torn up I land right back at square one, and it wont make a tiny bit of difference.

In slightly happier news now ( ) I'm at least getting back on the horse as it were, going out, meeting new people... Met this really cool, good looking hungarian girl named Aggie at karaoke the other week... but I dont stand a chance in hell... So I'm back on the horse, but the horse is either asleep or dead . Uhm... ah yes, happy-happy, thats what I was talking about... Err... Found 2 songs that I really like (for kindof deplorable reasons, they're like "revenge songs" or something, at least for me. 3 guesses who I'm thinkin of when I sing them.) "So Beautiful" by Pete Murray (ok, I know what you're thinking, but the lyrics are crafted, and the song is in fact quite insulting, in a deceptive way. I'll give you an example, the 3rd verse goes)

"Now the scene that you're in,
And the people that you've been with,
Just get to me.
But you think I'm not as cool,
As you are so beautiful,
Well who you fooling?
Well I'm here to tell you babe,
The game you're in is such a game,
So damn pretentious"

and the other song is "Sexed Up" by Robbie Williams... and I'll let you guys listen to and figure that one out by yourself.

Anyway, at Fat Louie's, they actually had that song (Sexed Up), so i sung it, did really well too. Then Aggie asked me who I sung that for (coz it was kinda plainly obvious) and I told her who, and why, and she just looked at me and said "Whats wrong with people?" to which all I could say was "I dunno, look who you're asking."

Did I say I was happy? If I did, I lied. I'm not happy, far from it. I'm bored, I'm lonely and I'm hurt. But I'm at least taking steps to get permanently better. I'm tired of it all, and I'm tired of being tired of it all. What a way to be, huh? ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2330518/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2330518/ Mon, 03 May 2004 08:55:44 PDT
And i want all sorts of things i cant have. I want the company of friends so badly... for fucks sake, I want Kerri!! i just want her to hold me... oh god i hurt so much... i cant believe i didnt get my face ripped open with all my piercings... but my watch... my fucking watch... noone but me knows how i feel about that watch and now its gone...

Alot of fucking good being a yellow belt did me. So i can stop myslef from dying against 7 aboriginals... just coz some motherfucker took craigs joke which wasnt intended for him and hurled a bottle at his car... i didnt even know wtf was going on till it was too late...

Someone fucking tell me - what in the hell am i doing wrong? anyone, i dont care who... Kerri, Janine, Pilo, Remi, anyone please jsut tell me....

Oh god i cant NEED her like this right now, its so wrong.... i cant even talk my jaw is swollen that much... I cant write anymore becaus im too busy crying and being in intense physical pain....
---------------------------------------- -------------------------

Date is the...2nd of may (hard to keep up with no fucking watch)
Just took a 5 point identity test that tells me of my personality and i thought I'd post the results, remember people that these results are scientifically assembled and therefore legitimate and quite quite accurate.

Openness To Experience

Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative streak. Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions.

Conscientiousness

Your medium score in the Conscientiousness category means that you have achieved a solid balance in your outlook towards responsibility. You are probably somewhat organized, with a little room for improvement. Your priorities probably reflect a mix of work and play. Thoughtfulness characterizes your thinking style, so you give gravity to important decisions without making a big deal out of minor issues. You are probably serious about achieving success, but do not feel completely driven by this motivation. All in all, you've got a very healthy perspective on work and duty.

Extraversion

Your medium score in the Extraversion category defines your social identity. You are probably comfortable in either a crowd or by yourself, and spending time alone or with company is equally enjoyable. When among others, you tend to stand in the foreground, although you may not always wish to take the position of a leader. Instead, you seem to prefer moving between the role of leader and follower, as the situation requires. You probably keep a moderately active social life; you're generally on the lookout for excitement, but certainly don't require it. You tend to keep a fairly positive emotional outlook, and people can usually count on your for some good cheer.

Agreeableness

The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your medium score indicates someone who balances the priorities of your own inner voice with the needs of others. You tend to be concerned with the harmony of the group, while maintaining a certain independence. Depending on the situation, you might adopt a stance that defers to the wishes of others, or else assert your own individuality. In this way, you have a great deal of tact, and believe in the situational equality of people. You probably have an approachable and kind personality. People probably admire you for your ability to speak your mind when appropriate.

Negative Emotionality

Negative Emotionality refers to your emotional reactivity. Your medium score means that you're someone who negotiates your emotions depending on your situation. Sometimes you may feel quite sensitive and emotional, while other times you may remain resilient to outside pressures. This quality of adaptation best describes your emotional character. You maintain a rational outlook, which is moderated by feelings. For example, you can sometimes feel sad, stressed, worr... ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2321341/ http://TheInsanityCheese.deviantart.com/journal/2321341/ Thu, 29 Apr 2004 02:12:48 PDT _< )... its looking ok so far but im going to have like NO money for awhile... I just feel bad too coz ive been fighting with kerri for almost a week... we have to stop fighting at one point... we both just need to walk away but we're both stubborn shits who dont give up very easily.

I could kick a whole group of people straight into the center of the sun for everything thats happened, myself and K. included. But that wouldnt achieve anything.

I think i just need to be left to my own devices for a while. I've made a total mockery of myself and im not even sure how i managed it. I know it wasnt intentional, so i cant really be faulted all that much (if i can its just for being a bit dumb) but I have to get all of my shit sorted in its entirety - my financial irresponsibility, my ability to be distracted, my slight tendancy toward co-dependancy (it isnt as bad as some people but its still bad), and yeh, other small things.
I dont think I'm a bad person, I mean, i was raised to be good to people, and its so ingrained that I'm woeful and angry every time i get hurt, or someone else gets hurt... I want to live in an ideal world where NO-ONE gets hurt, where we can all just be happy and good to people. Instead I'm forced to exist in a world where pain, suffering, humiliation and manipulation are all roads to the top. Maybe my problem is I'm TOO unwilling to cause pain to people. Sure, i say ill-considered things and shoot my mouth off, but I'm not aiming to cause pain or anything like that. ]]> ~TheInsanityCheese