http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:TheSteffyWeffy&section=today deviantART RSS for by:TheSteffyWeffy en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:03:29 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/15251610/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/15251610/ Sun, 28 Oct 2007 01:08:43 PDT
I have auditions for thisss, and tryouts for thaaat, but I don't think any good will come of it. I'm only adequate. I don't see anything that sets me apart from anyone else. I'm adequate in music, I'm adequate in writing, I'm of adequate intelligence. And adequate is so far beneath where I want to be.

I feel like I'll have nothing to establish a career on. And how many men will desire a woman who has nothing to gain out of life? Nothing she can go forth and do and make something of herself? Who wants to be with nobody?

I'm too insecure to take risks. I have too many complexes to get anything accomplished. I hate the way I look, the way I act, the person I have become, and try as I might to overcome that, and see the good in myself, I cannot.

If it's really there, and everyone else can see it, why can I not?

I look in the mirror and nearly burst into tears every time. I want to smash it into tiny shards and scatter the shards into the winds. I hate what I see every time I gaze into the looking glass.

I see failure, and inadequacy. I see myself not living up to my or anyone else's standards.

I see my prospects as dismal, at best. My interests are too scattered to be good at any one thing. And anything I could possibly do as a career and enjoy, I'm only adequate, and wouldn't be able to handle the competition.

I'm not academically prominent enough in any of my classes to ever get into a good college, or make an actual career out of anything.

I'm not attractive enough to even be a trophy wife.

What the FUCK am I supposed to do?

And, no one would want to deal with me long enough to be betrothed anyway, seeing as how I have self-esteem complexes and abandonment and loneliness issues. I'm clinically depressed and have OCD. I'm paranoid and jump at the slightest shadows. I have insomnia and am increasingly odd and obsessive as the years go on. I'm a liar, deceiver, a bitch. No one will ever want anything to do with me, and I can plainly see why.

I mean, come on. I'm not especially smart or funny. I'm not particularly interesting or amazing. I'm not curvaceous enough to be be attractive in the curvaceous sense. I'm not thin enough to be considered attractive in that sense, either.

Every attempt at anything is just shot down in a flourish of events. I'm too indecisive. Too fickle. One moment, I love this person, have a huge crush on this one, hate this other, etc. etc.

I can't decide between antyhing! I'm too afraid to choose, for fear that I'll be stuck in one decision! Or that I'll be missing something I shouldn't be missing!

And anytime I DO make a decision, the situation makes it nearly impossible for me to be happy, or, even if I am, impossible for it to work out!

Will I EVER be happy?

And the pathetic thing is, most of the people who will read this have no idea I'm actually like this, or have no idea what I'm actually like at all.

I close up, and don't let anyone in, which further supports my "no one will want me" theory. No one KNOWS me, save for a select few. I bottle and bottle, and sob and hide in my own little world, not letting anyone or anything in. And, that's possibly the way it should be. I don't see why anyone would want to deal with this bull-jive.

I can't place my feelings, but the two people they are invested with, both are a futile attempt. I'll never be with either of them, and it kills me.

I suppose I'm just afraid and insecure that I'll never amount to anything and that no one will remember me, or I won't do any good for anyone. Which is all I try to do. I try to keep everyone happy, and not to upset people, but I always fuck everything up. I make people cry, and hurt, and anguish. And I hate myself for it. HATE.

Blah, so many people would be much better off if they hadn't met me. So much so, that it's a tad pathetic.

-Sighs-

[/end emo rant]

]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/11263863/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/11263863/ Sun, 31 Dec 2006 19:38:29 PST
ALRIGHT!?

GAH!.

]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10576188/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10576188/ Tue, 31 Oct 2006 21:20:44 PST Why is it so hard to trust? Eternal shunning has destroyed my ability to depend upon any being, even the ones I love… I look into my eyes and see shattered jewels. Once, they were beautiful. Something to be revered. Now…They are deep pools of loneliness and despair, casting a miserable glance over the Earth’s landscape as if they alone are the only things present on that plane of existence.
What if he sees this shattered soul and casts me aside, searching for the perfect one for him. Beauty, brains, and no problems. Why can’t I be that girl? Why can’t I be sure of his love? He has done nothing to hurt me…Why do I keep thinking he will? Why do I suspect treason in the voices of those around me? Why can I not believe the “I love you”s?
…When will I be able to?

]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10283408/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10283408/ Wed, 04 Oct 2006 14:48:05 PDT << That guy right there made the most awesomest awesome super cooliest sig ever for me. <3

]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10111870/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10111870/ Mon, 18 Sep 2006 13:32:03 PDT ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10014005/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/10014005/ Fri, 08 Sep 2006 21:36:59 PDT


Rules!
1) First five to comment to this journal will get a poem/lyric from me! It won't be very long, but it'll be one. You just have to give me a subject material. (And something I know about. Like, if you were to say Final Fantasy, I'd have to ask you to pick again.) And it might be a while, so don't expect it next day delivery.
2) You gotta put a similar request on your dA page! I'll check. ]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/9663421/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/9663421/ Wed, 09 Aug 2006 11:44:22 PDT
To my friends:

You have helped a lot, everyone has, and you do not know HOW MUCH I really do love and appreciate all of you for trying to turn me around and if not for all of you I wouldn't be at the point I am today.

I'm determined to do it. I'm determined to keep the people who are around me now and foresake the ones who I do not need, the negative ones, the ones going nowhere fast that will only bring me down.

I'm finally moving on with my life, and nothing's going to stop me. I hope you guys, the ones who know about my problems with myself, read this. I really want to thank you all. ]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/9607830/ http://TheSteffyWeffy.deviantart.com/journal/9607830/ Sat, 05 Aug 2006 12:38:25 PDT

I will be moving all of my things here for I am no longer using that old account for...certain reasons. ]]> ~TheSteffyWeffy