http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Tsadde&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Tsadde en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:07:46 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/27115820/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/27115820/ Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:46:17 PDT Live for today, we'll dream tomorrow
We've got big plans in sight
We'll take this city, and by nightfall
the bright lights are calling
Everything is going our way
Everything is just as we planned
This is our future for what we've heard,
and I've still got your hand
And it feels like, we could last forever
And I'm not doing this alone

As I fourced my way through the crowdes of teenagers in the school hallways, I found that I could not resist the desire to observe the people around me. Despite not knowing the majority of the people who walked passed me, the looks on thier faces, thier mannerisms and behaviors were too beautiful to ignore. Reader, can you imagine how I felt admist a crowd of people? Watching people hug one another upon seeing each other again after a long, but seeming fleeting summer? Drowned out in the crescendo of the flooded hallway's inhabitors, all thier voices filled with such happiness and sincerity? It was a sight to behold.

It seems that everyone had changed since before the summer, before we parted from one another's daily prescense. New haircuts, different clothing, improved attitudes- no one looked quite the same as before. It is now, dear reader, that I am realizing how deeply, how rapidly, adolecense passes away. It is said that high school is where you develop who you really are, and, in a way, that is very true; we learn new life lessons, expand our knowledge, extract our identities from our inner most selves. It is the building, nor the intstitute, that gives way to this magical metamorphisis- it is the people who inhabit it, who breathe life into it's walls.

Concentrated with different people- the kind of people who are malicious, the kind of people who arent. The ones that love to talk, and the ones who perfer to keep to themselves. We encounter different people- people who drift away, and people who you just dont have the connection with that you can tell them everything about yourself, even people who eventually break away from you- or you, them. And amoungst those people are the few, rare jems of whom you can rely on, trust and truly, sincerely love.
It is because of the vast amount of varying individuals who occupy our worlds, those of whom because the partake in our lives and those who are merely our "wallpaper," people whom we do not speak to, nor search for, but simply exist and occupy space, that we slowly, but surely, surface who we are. Amoungst the crowd of fellow human beings, we discover who we are, we lay root to who we will someday be.

It is because of the lessons we learn and the paths we choose that we distinguish who we are, regardless of who we are. The entire world isnt filled with kind people- malicious people, hurtful people, very much exist, and in large number, but they, too, are people. They, too, have some light in thier hearts, scars they carry and love they can offer, if they allow themselves the space and time to do so.

All of us now have before another clean page in the book of our lives. We have a whole new school year ahead of us- time to make new friends, learn new things, find new aspects about ourselves we never knew we had.

I do not know what the future may hold. No, only God knows what lays before me. Even so, I wish to face it with my head held high. Pain is inevitable, and tribulations are sure to come, but omens are not the only thing ahead. Happiness, laughter, experiences and success can be reaped as well, if we allow ourselves to sow the right seeds. Down to the thoughts we think, and the words we speak, we change our futures, That's why, reader of mine, I want you, like I, to perservere and carry on, beliving that the best has yet to come. We have our family who loves us, and our friends who stand by us, and even if they pass away from our sides, we have God. Regardless of what you believe, reader, God is with you. Wherever you are, whatever you do, God is right there, beside you.

So now, with this clean sheet of paper before us, let's write the words to our futures, okay?

When memories fade, we've got each other!
When time and confusion collide
singing, "I hold it all when I hold you."
When friends walk other ways, we've got eachother
I hold it all when I hold, I hold it all when I hold you

-Time and Confusion, Anberlin

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/26259823/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/26259823/ Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:59:56 PDT I should have turned my phone on.' After having heard my friend's familiar voice, I deeply regretted having had turned it off the night before. If I had left it on, I told myself, maybe I would have woken up and picked up the phone.

I knew she was going to leave. I was well aware that she was going to move back to the country where she was born for a long time. Even so, I felt as though the phone call was out of the blue. like a sudden, electrifying streak of lightening in an otherwise perfect sky, it was such a sudden realization that my friend was gone that it didn’t register at first. Only after I began to walk outside with my mother and two younger brothers, an ongoing errand of mine to accompany them as Nicolas, the second oldest of our family, went to his specialized high school preparation class. It was only then, under the morning sky, that I remembered how she had told me that she loved to walk outside. It was only then when I realized that I probably would never walk with her outside again for a very, very long time. I felt a knot in my throat.

The voice message started out odd. Her voice was very high pitch. There was a long ‘ummm,’ before she bid me farewell. ‘I’m just calling to you I’m leaving, and goodbye, and yeah. You’re a very, very, very nice girl, like, really-” she told me, ‘like, the kindest girl on earth, I guess! Cause I never meant a girl as nice as you are. I mean this from my heart.”

As I walked down the concrete sidewalk, staying a signifigant amount of distance behind my family, I replayed the words of her message in mind over the sound of Frederic Chopin’s piano compositions on my iPod. I looked up to the sky and frowned deeply, unable to cry. I still couldn’t believe it. I wanted to call her back, I really did. But I knew I couldn’t- she was already on the plane by then. If I could have called her, I would have expressed the feelings that we’re bottling up inside me, and maybe it’s a good thing I couldn’t call, because part of me believes that had I been able to contact her, the emotions would be too much for me. How could I possibly string all the words into sentences? If I had called her, what insurance would I have that the words wouldn’t rush out of my mouth, too eager to be heard, too quickly for even I to understand?

Dear reader, whoever you are, do you know what ‘goodbye’ means? Do you know the history behind that beautiful word? Yes, many people call it a horrid word, and there are hundreds of people who dread that phrase- but I love it. It’s a word of endearment. Reader, are you sitting by your computer wondering what nonsense I’m spouting? Are you looking at the screen and shaking your head in disagreement? I’ll ask you once again, do you know what ‘goodbye’ means?

I’ve only explained what that phrase of farewell means twice. First, to a close friend of mine, Melissa, who, afterword, told me she was so inspired that she created a story based on what I told her, and the second time to anyone who was willing to listen in my technology class in the last week of school.

In almost every one of the Romance languages, the phrase ‘goodbye’ holds spiritual meaning. Adios, the Spanish word for bidding someone farewell, is a shortened version of ‘vaya con Dios,’ or ‘Go with God.’ The French word for goodbye, Adieu means ‘to God,’ a saying that was before used to signify the desire to meet someone who was leaving your life in heaven. Even the English word, ‘goodbye’ holds meaning- It is the shortened version of the phrase, “God be with you.”

Each word has changed since its original use. Each word has been shortened, translated differently, morphed into a more simple, common noun. But that simple word- didn’t it hold such strong meaning? Even if you, whoever you are, do not believe in God, that word’s meaning doesn’t change- no matter what language, ‘Goodbye’ has been the universal wish for the best for the person who is leaving your side. When the first inhibitors of this world said that word, they must’ve meant it with such love, with such sincerity, that those feelings are reflected down to the very origin of the word.

I once heard a song, long ago, that stated “friends never say ‘goodbye,’” but to my friend, to that person who is so dear to me- that’s what I want to tell her. I want to convey this simple word, and hope that my feelings are transmitted as well. “Goodbye,” I want to tell her, “Because you were so kind. Goodbye, because you always gave me sincere smiles. Goodbye, because when you saw me crying, and running away, you didn’t pry, you just listened. Goodbye, because when I was wary of trusting the people by my side, you showed me through your actions that some people, a rare few,... ]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/25216551/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/25216551/ Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:38:26 PDT that end. I mean the school year. There’s only one year left of school and it’s so deeply saddening! That is, what I’m trying to say is, I enjoy being at school. While I dislike the stress of loads of class work, studies, and tests I like being in school. It’s odd, almost hard to explain. There are a lot of “ugly” things about being in a place filled with different people- words that people say that hold powerful and hurtful influence, smiles that are insincere and disappear once the person of interest has left the room. So many people struggling to find themselves, so many faking who they are to be accepted, and far too many people who live their lives shallowly and ignorant, and are happy to be that way.

Being in a place with so many people, and so many decisions, it’s all so easy to submit yourself to someone’s power, all you have to do is tell them something of worth, and it can be held over your head forever. While a part of me still wants to believe in the best in people, I’ve come to find that I am hesitant to fully trust others. Kindness, however, and trust are two very different things.

But even so, I’m fond of this place. All these people, even the ones who carry such impure motives and thoughts, have become precious to me- even if I have yet to speak to any of them. Aside from my friends, the people in the background are so…important! They fill the building, and carry on with their lives, and so we are all made different, and yet connected. Because, in a way, we all know each other- even if it has to be as a friend of friend of friend.

Knowing that everyone has their own mindset, and individual ideals, and seeing how we vary so greatly, I can freely walk through the halls and think to myself: yes, this is where I want to be. Amongst all these people, I’m making my own way, and my footprints will forever remain on these floors. Beause, if you come to think about it, aren’t empty buildings, empty houses, empty rooms, so sad? Inhabitant, rendered useless, don’t you think they just cry out for someone to occupy them?

Ah, I’m sure what you’re thinking. “Whoa, there, girl, you’re getting a little out of hand there with all this sappy, sentimental stuff!” I know I am. But these words, and being able to write them, make me happy. Letting you, whoever you are, into my world, is just an amazing feeling. It’s so pleasing and calming, and makes me so appreciative to be here. Is that odd? I’m sure it is, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I want to be able to share these feelings and these thoughts with everyone. Maybe that’s why I play the violin, too. Maybe, to some extent, I play it because I want to reach others with the notes I play. My mother says that emotions can’t be picked up through music. Is that true? I don’t want to believe it. Is it just me, then? When I listen to things, I do feel things. I feel happy, or sad, or peaceful, or fidgety- are all these things just me, or are the emotions that the composer felt conveying to me?

Maybe I’m too sentimental. Maybe you don’t, and I, because of how sappy I am, feel these things. But even so, I want to cherish those feelings and moments, and I don’t want to believe that what goes through my mind are only frivolous ideals.

I doubt I will ever play the violin in school. No matter what I feel, no matter how much I want to send my feelings to the people who hear me, I don’t think I ever can. There far too many mistakes I can make, and so much room for improvement. And there are so many people who, I’m sure, will not understand what I’m trying to say through my song.

When I was a little girl, I always looked up to a narrow pathway, aligned with statues, hidden amongst the trees in a nearby community college. I would look up from my car window, as my mom would drive by, and want to see that place for my very eyes. Recently, I’ve been going there every day after my music classes. While I wait for the person who works for my mother to come pick me up, I walk through the construction sight of the community college where I take my lessons and go inside that open-air hall. The black gate reads, “Enter with joy that those within have lived,” and inside are dozens of busts of great and amazing people who changed the world.

There, I set my violin case down, and play for all those people. Thanking them for all they done, for the invention of the printing press, for the first air suspended flight, for whatever grand thing they have done, I play my violin. I slide the bow across the strings and play whatever comes to mind, making songs that I will probably never play again. One-time melodies that will never be hear again, and are felt and gone like the passing breeze.

That in itself is enough fo... ]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/24292309/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/24292309/ Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:28:21 PDT
In my english class, we were following a theme- society and losing touch with the world, knowledge, curiousity, ourselves. We read Fahrenheit 451- a book about America, in the future, reaching the point where books are illegal and life is lived by watching television your entire life, never talking to one another, wasting away with headphones in your ears. And people laughed and said, "this is stupid, life isnt ever going to be this way!" But it is. Just look- when you go on a train, how many people dont have headphones in thier ears? And how many teenagers today stand around, fixated on texting away on thier cellphones? Why is it that AIM is more popular than a phonecall? How come we dont send mail to our friend's houses anymore, just for the heck of it? Why do kids today need commercials on television to tell them "dont do drugs?"

There's a pesimist out there, and hundreds of people have qouted him. So much so, no one is too sure what he actually said. But we think it sounds like this, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, at the worst time." People call it a fact of life- a law. Murphy's Law. But I dont want to think that way- I want to think the opposite instead. I guess it's abundantly clear, then, that I'm something of an optimist. I want to live in a way that I look at the bright side of things, and have hope in the future. I don't want to live in a way where I worry, or fear, when tommorow will come. I'm not saying that bad times wont come- I know they will, they always do. But I'm saying that when they do, I want to clench my fists and raise them to the air and proclaim, "Better days will come!"

I dreamt about this- I dreamt about being on a plane with this girl, and everyone on the plane very calmly said to each other, "this plane is going to crash on the ground." And the girl beside me sighed and told me how dissapointed she way that her life was going to come to an end now.

By the end of thier conversations, I said, "we arent going to crash because I'm here, and God's with me."

By the end of the dream, I said, "You're not supposed to get on a plane and think that plane is going to come crashing to the ground."

By the end of my sleep, I said, "I want to see that girl again."

And I forgot the dream's details. And the dream lost it's color. And I wondered to myself why the entire dream was in Spanish.

The sad part it, there are alot of people like that girl in my dream. Who just accept the end and dont have hope. There are people who simply waste away living in fear. Did you know it is America that is leading the world in suicide rates? When there are children in Africa who are starving, who are skeletons, and they continue living. When there are people is Iraq who walk down the streets and dont know who's going to open up thier jacket and end thier ives- the people there, they get killed by others but they dont kill themselves.

I'm not saying the people who commit suicide dont have the right to because they live in America. They dont have the right to kill themselves because they arent the one's who gave them their life to begin with, in my opinion. But what I am saying is that we drive ourselves to death with our fears. And sometimes while we're still living.

And what do we have to be afraid of? When there are phobias for everything under the sun? If I can drive someone to a panic attack by saying "onomonopia?" Or by pointing out that I'm a female? Or by showing them a cat?

I had a teacher in middle school, whom I knew for a long time. When asked, she told my class she refused to ever buy an mp3 player, or any transportable music player, in her life. Needless to say, my entire class was shocked. They asked why. And I dont think I'll ever forgot what she said. She said, "People spend all thier time with headphones in thier ears, alienated from the world. They loose themselves in what they fixate themselves in being isolated with. Tell me, when's the last time you've heard a bird sing?"

Did you know mockingbirds sing dozens of songs, and each one is distinct? Did you know that Mockingbirds start singing songs from the age of one? Did you know it is believed that they sing the songs of birds that are long since extinct? Did you know that when a mockingbird is looking for a mate, it doesnt stop singing until it gets one? It sings, and sings, and sings and it doesnt give up until it finds a partner who can sing back, and until they find one they sing song after song, each one a different melody.

Did you know that while it sings it's tune of love, other birds, of different... ]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/24084609/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/24084609/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:57:20 PDT
I....Well it's embarrasing to say, but I'm crying because of an anime I love! Please dont shoot me for being so dorky, but...yeah! I'm watching the show Clannad (by Key, and if you know AIR or Kanon, than you know how sad thier stuff is!)

Clannad is a beautiful show, it's artwork is amazing for an animation and it's wondefully colored. The characters are all very heartwarming and there is a whole bunch of moments in the show that make you laugh! I'm only up to episode 10, though, and almost every episode after the fourth made me cry like a baby. The first story is about a young girl named Fuko, who makes handmade wooden stars so she can hand them out, hoping that the gift will bring people to her sister's upcoming wedding. I dont want to give it away for you though, so I wont say anymore!

But the reason it makes me so sad, is because her story is filled with so much love! And I watch it and I think, "I want her to be happy!" and her hardships are so heavy.

I know, it's very silly of me to be crying and so sympathic over a fictional character, but I always cry during movies, or books, even songs! I cry quite easily, so it's very embarrasing, even in front of my family.

Last year, I wanted to be strong and not cry, ever, in front of people. I thought if I shed tears, it would be my being weak in front of the people I wanted to impress. But I learned, I learned alot of things! And one of those things is that crying can be strength too. And that there are people in this world who, like I did, refuse to cry- and they go through so much pain, but they never cry.

So, I want to cry for those people! I want to help those people who dont cry, and be there for them, and I want to see them cry one day, and let out the pain in tears. And when that happens, I think I'll cry even harder just looking at them! And afterword, I'll blush and we both can laugh because it's silly, or embarrasing, or just because we can.

Yes, that's what I want right now, with this box of tissues right next to me.

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23986326/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23986326/ Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:43:14 PDT
So to everyone who signed that card, I want to kiss every single one of you! Well....maybe just Yvonne- she's like the only person I can actually kiss for some reason, but everyone else will either get a hug or a heart-felt thank you. I cant begin to express how happy that card made me. But even the people who didnt sign it, and just wished me luck or cared- thank you so much for your concern! Everyone's kindness was the highlight of my month!

Actually, I just remembered how on my "last day" of school, before my surgery, I bought coffee and was walking with a bunch of friends. I got a HUGE Caramel frapaccino from Starbucks (now that's a once in a blue moon treat- Starbucks is way too expensive but oh so delicious) and I kept telling Natahlia to take the first sip and try some. We're both germ freaks but I wanted to share with my friends more than worry about germ intake, so I told them I would share a bit with them. After all my persuasion, she actually took some (and loved it, of course) and my other friends drank some afterword, but this dude just passed us and told me "wow, all you girls are sharing one cup? Can I have a sip, too?" That was freaky. O__O really freaky. Was that some sort of flirtation or something? Or a creepy joke? I still havent decided. All I did was politly fake a laugh and keep walking. Next time I buy a frappacino, I'll more than probably think of him. *shudder*

However, out of all my teachers, I'm closest to my english teacher, Ms. Dube. I may talk to Mr. Popolino, and joke around with my art teacher every now and then, but I'm not very close to my teachers all too much. Mr. Neidorff, for some reason, is always really worried about my health though, and I find that very kind. I like all my teahcers but out of everyone I love Ms. Dube! She's sarcastic and pretty mellow, and in her class I'm always the most outgoing and relaxed.

All that remains of the shyness I still have is absolutly gone in english class, where I'm always talking and joking around. Actually, I'm very proud to say that I've made my entire class laugh on a number of occasions! That may sound lame to brag, but I love making people laugh so when I actually do that's really big for me. Plus, almost all of my closest friends are in english with me! I only wish that some of my friends, like Melissa, Nathalia, and so on, would be in there too but sadly they arent. Actually, only about six people who I'm friends with are in the class. The rest I made in time, in the class, like this girl named Catherine, or another one named Stephanie.

I love how Maria sits behind me and always braids my hair- it feels so nice, and she never pulls on my hair which is awesome. I can always tease her and Rosa, and I can talk to Kenya who sits by my side. There's Yvonne, who i can always tease and fake fight with. We act as though we hate each other! but I love her. Yups.

Oh and there's Lindsay, who always says "Oops, I dropped my pen!" and throws his pen at my seat and talks to me. I find it hilarious! There's this girl in my class, who's name i kinda forgot (I'm SORRY!) who's always calling me cute and adorable. Alot of times, when I say really deep things in class, she busts the mood by proclaiming me an adorable little girl XD I dont know wether or not to be flattered, or dissapointed. Darn my petite stature! She's so pretty- her hair is beautiful! And she calls me cute? That's a big compliment!

All in all, I'm extremely happy to be cared about by people. It's always suprising for me, to realize that someone likes me, or considers me a friend, or just has something nice to say about me. I'm so aloof and I have odd mannerisms, so it's suprising to find that people like those things- like how I blush so easily, or get embarrased at the drop of a pen. Or how I say "I'm sorry!" to everything! It's a very heartwarming sentiment, and it always makes me extremely happy to know someone is fond of me. More than anything, I love knowing I make people happy. If there's anything I can do with my own power, I hope I can continue to make people smile!

P.S.

Just because I can --------->

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23820739/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23820739/ Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:17:32 PDT
It was a very odd experience. I got up early in the morning and wasnt scared during my surgery. After praying with my parents, and singing for a while, as well as reading the bible, I just went into the operating room when called and it all went smoothly. In fact, the surgery went faster than expected. My face didnt get as swollen as it should have, and I got a room despite my surgery ending at like ten at night, when very few people leave the hosptial, and less rooms are open for new people. The very second I woke up, a nurse was with my parents telling me, "you look so beautiful, sweetie." I was honestly pretty suprised, because my eyes were closed but the nurse's voice sounded really sincere.

People from my church visited me, too, and they told me I looked very pretty as well. I spent most of my time sleeping, and when I woke up to find so many gazes staring back at me, I was embarrased! I just blinked, thought for about a second, and then covered my swollen cheeks in embarrasments. The pastor's wife is so beautiful, I can't have her seeing me like this! And there's Jeremiah, and Elizabeth and Abigail!

I was so flustered! Even now, I'm a bit embarrassed. Im a bit bruised up and I have a couple of scratches on my face. My mouth being binded is very exhausting, and I'm just using sign language and a notebook to talk to people, so it's difficult but I'm mangaging. If it's one thing I miss, it's all my friends from school- i kept dreaming about them! I cant wait to see Melissa, Katie, Nathalia, Kenya, Lindsay, Maria, Yvonne, everyone! And I cant wait to talk about how it felt- being strapped down to a bed before a surgery, like I was in an asylum, or waking up to kind voices. Getting a plushy and a baloon, or seeing my brothers stare at me for the first time in a couple of days.

I got alot of nosebleeds, because of the breathing tube they put in me, and I got very tierd off the morphine and Tylonel with codine that I was given but I'm pretty relaxed now. It's peaceful now, in the comfort of my own home. My parents are treating me so kindly and I'm really happy to be home now. All I can do now is trying to walk around the house and exercise my lungs, and just take it easy.

How odd! I'm not freaked out by my surgery, or the after-affects but when the doctors threw five tubes of blood from me I started hysterically crying and almost passed out! I'm such a whimp! But at least God is keeping me strong- I'm doing really well and that's all I need.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone for their support. Just to name a few- Claudia, Stephanie, Rocio, Yvonne, Maria, Rosa, Nathalia, Kenya, my church, my family and even the ever-so-famous voice actor Vic Mignogna (the voice of Edward Elric from Full Metal Alchemist)- you were all so kind to me! You emails, text messages, phone calls and kind wishes kept me strong. Thank you so much, everyone! I love each and every one of you!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23720709/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23720709/ Sun, 15 Mar 2009 21:33:15 PDT
I want to draw so badly that my fingers ache for it- I think about it and I get irritated and just want to destory something. Like a chair. Yeah, kicking a chair would be great right now.

Regardless of my acting phycho, I really wanna draw again. I want to try different mediums, like the airburshing technique I picked up over the summer, or improve my coloring. I want to do my own pictures on the computer, not other's linearts. But everytime I draw it's so....ugh, I cant describe it- unappealing, uncool, unimpressive, unsatifying, other un- words.

My violin is improving, I can at least say that. I'm getting a better tone and my bowing is good and my teacher told me I sound very well considering how crappy my student violin is. One day, I dream, I want to buy an old, european violin and play beautiful songs that stir the soul. I want to play so well that my emotions reach the people who listen. My mom says that's impossible, just a sentimental thought. I dont know if it is, but I want to hope she's wrong.

sadly, I cant write either- I mean, I used to write amazing. Not to toot my own horn, but I was always told that I wrote like a college student. I got something (horrible) published once, and a teacher in elementary wanted to publish a book that I never got around to writing, and lotsa people tell me to write about my life. But disregarding that, I cant write anything- nothing, squat! And when I write I feel like I lost my skills- I mean, my old history teacher, Mr. Agosto, used to adore my writing, when there was a parent-teacher conference I was blushing extremely because he baisically told me I was a writing expert, that I wrote as though I was an adult.

I mean, I'm not arrogant, far from it, but I always had pride in it, and now I feel like my skills are slowly fading. I havent writen anything since highschool began.

I recently watched The Last Samurai. Tom Cruise isnt that bad of an actor at all- why do people say that i wonder? Granted, he's wierd- the whole Oprah incedent and his beliefs in scientology (which has nothing to do with science, contrary to common misconception) are pretty eccentric but whatever, the dude was awesome in the movie.

In the movie, he plays this dude named Algren and the movie suggests he has feelings for this woman named Taka. The interaction between them is....well, it leaves me striving for more. Sure, I blush alot and get embarrased but I like romance. I actually do. *blush*

And like...the tension between them is really passionate to me, so I always want them to kiss! I watch the movie and I'm like "Darn it, Algren, grab the darn woman! Be a man!"

I.....really dont like....um...."mature" scenes in movies, they embarass me, but if a movie can make it so it portrays the feelings of passion, or love, instead of lust- which is quite hard to do in EstefaniaLand, mind you, I always have to give some credit. Like in Seven Pounds- Horribly, disgustingly trajic but the way they portay the love between the two characters is just....it's....undescribable. Sometimes a really good movie can just do that- take those "embarrasing" scenes and really make them special. Not awkward, but heartfelt. So I look at Algren and Taka and just wish for that kinda scene. A really romantic, lovely, passionate (not perverted!) scene. Yes, that is my guilty desire.

Okay this is wierd! Half of my journal is kinda about sex scenes in movie! AUGH! D8< what will this do to my reputation? Le Gasp!

Well, I've bored you long enough, right? Kudos for reaching this far in the journal! Oh and please wish me luck and pray for me with my upcoming surgery and all- two weeks recovering is far too much, and far too painful! But I'm not scared, I trust God will keep me strong.

Well, toodles and God bless!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23243375/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/23243375/ Mon, 16 Feb 2009 20:13:01 PST On Valentine's day, please don't give me roses. Give me a dandelion, just one, so I can rub it under your chin and see if you're in love~

That's a very sentimental thing to write, isn't it? I honestly don't know why I wrote it, but it just came to mind and felt like recording the thought in the vast world on the internet. If you have read, or are reading, Fahrenhiet 451 then you probably know what I'm talking about with this.

Also, I know it's not Valentine's day- I dont really care, actually. Valentine's day has always been very unimportant to me and I usually spend it by giving things to friends. I remember, my first "valentine" was from a girl who I really admired- a girl with clear eyes and gold hair, and when she gave it to me, thanking me for being her friend, I was brought to tears.

Even in elementary school, I was overly-sentimental!

But that's okay, right? I cherish that about myself, in a way.

Anyways, I am still alive- contrary to common belief. I havent been drawing much at all though! It's so saddening! Just a couple of pages for a comic, and a christian picture people at school call my "Jesus picture." *sigh* Jesus picture?! People will get the wrong idea with that kind of title- it's not a picture with Jesus! I dont think I can bring myself to draw Him. He's too awesome and perfect for my hands, or for an image. Plus, any images we make of Jesus Christ is probably wrong anyway.

As far as life goes, I'm still rollin' high! Life's been going great and I'm still making new friends, which I love to be able to say. I also stood up for myself recently. I felt bad, because I was fourced to push someone away from me but I think it was needed as well. Still though, I feel bad. I want to love everyone, but that's impossible, isnt it? There are people we will face that are beyond our touch.

It's like that glass ceiling, isnt it? The fact that society puts such emphasis to kindness and acceptance, and yet we refuse to accept abnormality, or that we live in groups, that no one knows everyone and there's always someone we are expected to dislike. Afterall, how many stories exist where the protaginist has no enemy?

Still, I want to love as many people as I can. It's just painful when you cant be loved back, right?

Even so, I want to continue on. And I especially want to express these feelings in my art. I want people to see the beautiful images in my heart in physicality. Does that sound too pasionate? *laugh*

Please listen to Joe Hisaishi's "Reprise," and "The Merry-Go-Round of life," and think of me, okay?

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/22383087/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/22383087/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:32:55 PST
With the Wii!

I had my church's Pastor's family and the children's biblical teacher's family over today. So baisically, Me, Nico, Marquis and Isaiah (the Pastors kids, who are roughly our same age)were all chillin' together playing video games.
We played Brawl and Wii Sports, fighting and laughing our socks off.

My brother though- he was insane! Nico was all like "Yo, Yo! You think you can beat me? you cant beat this- yo, I be swingin' and fist be flyin'!" and, of course, his signature catch phrase of "Who's yo' papi?" was thrown into the mix. Some of my sarcasm and lots of jokes at the expense of my hieght added in there, and we had a laugh fest.

The people of my church saw my artwork and were amazed, and we ate LOADS of food. Watching movies, listening to intresting stories and just having a good time, it was an amazing time.

I'm so happy- this was probably the best school break I have ever had! Friends and family, parties I've gone to, and things I got the time to do. Listening to great music and being able to sleep in until 3 in the afternoon- it was pure bliss!

I definitly miss my school friends but I could gladly take some more days of vacation from school. But all good things must come to an end, right? Plus, I can see Nina, Claudia, Steph, everyone. I kinda miss hearing the name "Squishy," addressed to me and artworks everywhere.

Next week I'm going to hang out with another one of my friends at the book store, so that's definitly something to look forward to! Anywho, our vacations has come to an end, so I hope that all my friends had a good time! I know I did!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/22319350/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/22319350/ Wed, 31 Dec 2008 22:58:41 PST
Yay i'm so happy~
If i could explode from happiness, i would. God knows I would! I spent this entire vacation busy, with friends and celebrating, just being super happy.

I only got one gift for christmas, but thats all i need- I'm grateful because God has given me so much. My family, my friends, the people who love me, and the people who dont. The lessons I've learned, and those I've yet to learn. The songs I can sing, food i can eat, words I can say and hugs I can give. It's all such a huge blessing that I'm alive!

I was telling people before the break- I was actually "questioning my own existance." Not quite like "hmm, do i exist?" but rather, "Why am I me?"

What am I that God was so gracious to make me a human being? Why not a mere weed or passing breeze? Why not an animal or a flower? A speck of light or a piece of dust? Why did God see so much in someone like me that He gave me LIFE? that He gave me understanding and blessings?

I have to appreciate this life of mine, even if in the grand view of things it's "insignifigant." Even if ten years from now, nobody remembers my name, God sees me, and He gave me this life. So the best I can do now is to live and impact others, even if it's in little way. As a stranger who simply smiled at them, or the aquaintance who was polite, or the friend who cared.

I want to be kind to everyone, even those who are cruel to me- because I want to be that one person who smiled at them when they felt alone, frustrated and abandoned. I want people to come to me in thier pain, and leave feeling stronger.

That's my big wish for all the years to come! This one, and the years that follow!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21955198/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21955198/ Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:38:44 PST there will most likely continue to be
sad things ahead of us
my darling, stay gold
because even getting hurt is important
because I love you

That's the english translation of the chorus in the song "Stay Gold" by Hikaru Utada. That woman is an AMAZING singer. Me, Nat and Kenya always talk about her and her songs. I love her not because she's japanese, or asian, or sung for kingdom hearts but because her songs have meaning. To me, it's meaning and message that make a song, not just beat or tune. Some people say that's a high standard but screw that- if a song means nothing to me, what drives me to sing it? what makes me want to relate to it, and cherish the song?

one of my favorite lines was "they say change is a fundamental part of the human heart- but, darling, you soul will continue to shine kindly."

I've always thought: dying is easy, it's what you go through before hand and afterward that's difficult.

It's kind of scary, in a sense, that things always change. Nothing ever stays the same, and time never stops. The second we're born into creation, our time is slowly ticking and our lives are laid before us. But you cant give up, right?

People will always have something to say, something to hate you for, or something to love you for. Pain's inevitable but happiness is a blessing you must accept prior, so that it can happen. Death's bound to happen, but we have to make our lives worth it- so we cant be afraid to love, and cry and do what we feel is right.

And this i know- God never changes. Never. He's always there, always the same- yesterday, today and tommorow. That's something I can always count on. It's a truth that will always shine on, that's what i believe. There's alot of me that I still need to submit to God, and thing's I've done that I sometimes wish i could have done differently, but everything has a purpose. I really do believe that.

Anywho, I'm back on the computer but I can scan tonight. darn! i really wanted to. Maybe i'd get more views or favorites- that would make me ubber happy!

Let's see- I dont have much to write about other than that previous deepness, just that I'm still alive. lol. Uhh....I'm trying to get closer to a friend who i was drifting apart from? does that count? We're like penpals now, as ridiculous as that may sound. Except she didnt write back to my last letter- grr! lol

well, nothing important really. My mom's pregnant again, my friend Melissa thinks (WRONGLY) that I'm madly in love with someone, I'm loosing my artist's block, uhh........that's it. *laugh*

Anywho, I'm back people! I hope to draw and write stuff that'll catch your attention! Thanks and God bless!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21252257/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21252257/ Fri, 31 Oct 2008 16:20:09 PDT
I dont get to watch T.V., or go on the computer. I dont get to read for fun, or touch up on my decaying writing skills- I havent written a story in so long. I dont get to call my friends, or play video games, draw, ink my comic, nothing.

Why? Because I overworked my body two weeks ago, and now it's acting stupid. I cant go a single day without sleeping in the middle of something- even in my classes. In fact, i arrived late to school because i got knocked out in the middle of reading a book (it wasnt boring, mind you) and slept until I woke up on the second to last stop on the train.

Luckily, now, I'm getting a bit better.

Even so, I dont get to practice my violin or my piano- and that's driving me up the wall. Violin makes me so happy, and I dont get to play it- I cant improve this way!

Two people recently called me a nerd because I play the violin, but I just couldnt find anything "nerd"-like about it. Violin is so beautiful to me, and brings me so much content.

It means so much to me, I dont care if it's dorky, or looked down upon, I dont care if it's stupid to other people-
it makes me happy, and I get to please my audience, and that's all I need.

Plus, how can something be "nerdy" if Claudia and Natalia both want lessons from me? ; )

anywho, a .Hack movie is coming out! YES! It is, it is! .Hack//G.U. Trilogy! I watched the trailer and it looks so-darn-awesome! I cant wait to watch it! I wonder, though, will it come out in theaters, like the Bleach movie? Wether or not it does, I hope me and Stephanie can watch it! I'm sure she'd like to see it too!

G.U. is just so awesome- I actually got Haseo's name, from my webcomic, from the game. *sigh* it's technically not completely original then but who cares? I mean, look at other people- how many people have a character named Sakura? And my friend has a character named Shuhie, based of the character from Bleach. Just as long as I dont take anything more than the game, I consider it fine. Of course, I'd perfer to be original with names, like Tsukiaru, Liadora, Quil, Anatolia, all those names from the story are mine. Even so, I sucomb to defeat because I think Haseo is the only name for my character. Ah well.

Back on topic, G.U. is about a guy named Haseo, who plays an online game in Japan. After a bad expereince in the game, he becomes a PKK (player-killer killer) and is on a search for the killer of his close, dear friend Shino. Soon enough, he becomes entangled in series of events that lead to life-or-death situations not to his online character, but to his physical self as the cost for losing soon becomes fallin into a coma.

Anywho, I'm not giving more away and this isnt even a full summary but check it out, if your intrested. It's super interesante' :3

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21054572/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21054572/ Sat, 18 Oct 2008 21:47:27 PDT
Actually, Maria is even taller than my dad and I just laughed when they were talking (about fish, no less) because I noticed the hieght difference. Imagine if they met her boyfriend, he'd look like a GIANT!

But we spoke about alot of things. School, friends, fads, clothes, respect, God, the holocaust, race, family, murder, fate. Uhhh....what else? Music (Rap for a while, than crappy bands and even Marlyn Manson, actually, for a while. That's one freaky dude but I can beat the music factor. He's got some pretty intresting jams.) Uhh....girl stuff, guy friends (not boyfriends), love, hatred, insecurity, appearances. Stuff we've gone though.

I really respect Maria because she's very well mannered, and sarcastic. I love her personality but what i admire most about her is how she doesnt talk about people, how she doesnt give in to gossip or follow peer pressure and how she respects others.

Its so refreshing because people are always so quick to harm one another. Sure, it's words- but sometimes a punch in the face hurts less than cruel words. Really. Plus, whenever we mention other people we say "someone" or "somebody" or "my friend." Niether of us give names or spill stuff out and it's so relieving.

People, lately, come to me expecting that i talk about my friends with them. It's just...why would I want to talk about someone I love? Or even people i dont like? what will being rude, or talking about them, accomplish? everytime someone gossips about another person, or talks about their bad aspects to me- no matter who they are, i just tell them: "You know, it's not my place to say anything. And, frankly, I dont care." Lot's of times people feel uncomertable, or change the subject, but tought jammies. This is how i roll~

Something that suprised me is that, while we were talking about self-esteem and appearances, she told me I was pretty. I was really suprised! "I dont think i'm ugly," I told her, "but I dont think I'm necesarilly pretty, either. I'm just average. Not that it's a bad thing, I just mean I'm an average looking person."

But she just looked at me, in all seriousness, and said: "really? That's wierd. You look pretty to me- not just because we're friends, because I'd be honest. I dont think your average at all, i think your pretty."

I was suprised. I mean yeah, everyone says i'm "adorable" or "cute," but I never consider that the same as being called "pretty" or "beautiful." Being adorable or cute- i credit that to my hieght and deminor, not my physical appearance. That those sound wierd, now that i've written it down, but it's what I've always felt.

Being average- it's not bad. It's just normal. I mean, i have brown hair and brown eyes. I have pale skin and I'm short- I dont stand out, physically; and honestly, that's never bothered me.

Anyways, I'm very flattered to hear someone finds me pretty. Oddly enough, people have been telling me some wierd things. two, three people said "you look like you'd be a good mom," and about four people said, "you look like Bella from Twilight."

That's just wierd. First, I look like a mom? should I be flattered? and I look like Bella? Like a book character who falls in love and has a baby with a vampire? Odd. Very odd.

But as for my "prettyness" factor, or my idea of others, as for all that stuff- I know I have a friend who I can respect and today, Thanks to God, like yesterday, was a wonderfull day, too.

SPECIAL: Qoute of the day-

Me: I dream of a world where erasers serve no purpose and chickens can cross roads without having thier motives questioned

Maria: Yes, Kira *bows head*

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21025001/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/21025001/ Thu, 16 Oct 2008 23:24:19 PDT
And i was like "WHAT?"

I asked people that day and everyone said the same thing- I am, in fact, alot more talkative and friendly this year. I'm shocked. Really.

Stephanie and Claudia told me they didn’t think so much. Mainly because they didn’t talk to me all that much last year, but they supposed so.

I’m surprised though- I guess a better attitude can really change you. Oddly enough, I’m making a lot of new friends because I’m always talking to new people. I don’t think I’ve gone a week yet without talking to someone new. Huh. Well, I’m very happy- I hope I can become even more outgoing and continue making friends.

Anyways, I’ve been listening to alots of Christian Rock. Yay~
I’m in love with Relient K and Switch foot. I loved those bands back then, and still do now. I never noticed they were both christian bands! But their songs are super awesome!

So here are some good songs I recommend to anyone and everyone

English- Duhhrr….

Relient K-

Who I am hates who I’ve been, Apathetic way to be, Where do I go from here and Come right out and say it

Switchfoot-

Meant to live, Redemption, Learn to breathe


Spanish- there are tons, but here are just a few. I could go on an on but I don’t want to bore you.

Paz en la tormenta- Renan (This song makes me cry!)

Al Taller de Maestro- Alex Campos

Mas De Ti- Magaly

Sin Lanza y Sin Espada- Laurie Colon

Enviame a mi, Mi universo, Tal como soy, Con manos vacias, Que seria de mi - Jesus Adiran Romero


Japanese- It’s….turning into a fad now. But I always loved Asian music, since I was in the fourth grade so there.

Tori No Uta -Lia (Or, Tori no Shi. It’s the same song. Plus it rocks. After two years on my iPod, it still rocks)

Flower, Lost Heaven, SHINE - L’arc~en~Ciel

Kokoro no Kiseki- Ren and Lin (Volcaloid) (this song made me cry, too! But thanks to the timing, this song will always remind me of a very sentimental conversation.)

Mosaic Kakera- Sunset Swish

World End, Color- FLOW

O2, Thank you!!, Asterisk- Orange Range


Russian- it’s suprsingly AMAZING. Really.

Date of Rebirth, Rise, Player- Origa


Italian- yeah, Italian is good too. I can even understand some thanks to Spanish.

Replica- Ilaria Graziano

If you noticed, I listen to different languages. Foreign music rocks!

Oh and I got a couple of concerned filled notes, and yes- I am no longer sick. *smile* Thank you for caring, people of the web.

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20979736/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20979736/ Tue, 14 Oct 2008 02:02:43 PDT
Only slept two hours and my eyes burn and I cant go to sleep.

My stomach hurts- hurts from the bottom of my stomach to my chest. and it burns, alot. I woke up from the pain.

I'm trying everything. praying, pleading, brushing it off, failing, crying, wincing, telling my mom and dad. They told me to drink tea.

I only burnt my entire right hand with the boiling water. Not fun. It hurts and now I cant type fast. Ow. Ow. Ow.

This probably doesnt make sense. tommorow, it'll sound so stupid and random but I'm just writing down every thought.

Oh, I want to go to school so bad. But I cant go to sleep. I cant. Even If i could, two hours wont last me the entire school day.

I want to go so bad. I wanted to see someone again- someone I really cherish. I just wanted to see them and say something to that person, I even asked God to help me sleep early so I could get up first thing and get on my way.

Today was going to be a wonderful day.

It still will be- but a different type of wonderful. I'm not satesfied by that.

If your reading this- dont assume I mean I want to see a guy. Maybe i do- i'm not telling. But just dont assume I do. I'm not into all that romance oddity.

No, I've never "fallen in love"

I've liked someone before, yeah, but not loved them

Love is such a strong word, I wouldnt ever dare to use it. I only use it for friends and family, but for someone I "like-"

No. No way. Ew.

People always assume I'm in love.

Last year, someone accused me of flirting and liking a friend who I knew has a girlfriend. Not only was that annoying, but it ticked me off. dont get me wrong- i didnt get angry at the person, he was just mistaking my friendship with the guy in question. But the fact that he was questioning my own respect torward a friend who was in a relationship bothered me.

My friend, Melissa, stood up for me. "When she falls in love, you'll know. She's not in love."

I asked her, "how do you think i would act if i loved someone?" monthes later.

She said she didnt know- she was just standing up for me.

But people always assume I'm in love. That I look like the type to develope feelings for guys easily. It's the opposite. I havent liked a guy in any way other than a friend for like......4 years.

And I was just in a time of need, and he was there for me. He was more like a brother, really, but I guess I needed someone's shoulder to cry on during those rough times and he was the only one that never mocked me for it.

Girls didnt like me, back then. I was tomboy-ish. I'd wear cargo pants and ride my bike all the time. I didnt mind bandages and I never fixed my hair, which was pretty short at the time.

Only guys hung out with me, because I lived near alot of guys from my school. But alot of them started to like me and it pushed me away. In fact, my two best friends got into a fight over me.

I visited the house of the one i liked before I had to move away, and my other best friend called him. he was yelling at him (I could hear the phone very clearly because we were siting next to each other, by a computer with my brother.

it's clear, even today. He said "I knew you two were hanging out, and didnt tell me. you dont even care how i feel do you? She's my friend too, but you're always hogging her all to yourself."

Of course, I got upset because I felt like an object, not a person. I wanted to snatch the phone and say, "what? I dont have a say in this? just because i'm a girl, doesnt mean you guys can claim me if you've got a stupid crush, okay?"

I left soon after, but I gave him a note to give to my friends when i was gone. It had my contact info and what I had to say to everyone back then.

No one ever called me. I never saw any of there faces again. and though i kept in touch with that boy for a while- he started becoming depressed. My group, whom i left behind, all broke apart. One brought a knife to school, trying to hurt the other. One just alianated himself. some just started avoiding each other.

And soon enough, he stopped picking up my occasinal calls. And then, i called one day. And a girl picked up on the other side. My feelings, which I always and still doubt, existed, were long gone. But I felt replaced, and gone, and knew I had to let go because he and my old group were soley part of the past. I guess, without noticing it, I just never called again.

She said, "he's busy right now, but call him back later, okay?"

I guess, without noticing, I never called back.



Anyways, it hurts. my stomache. it really hurts.

the tea cooled down. My eyes still hurt. I cant go to school, so I'm sad. But i'll let yo... ]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20843761/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20843761/ Sun, 05 Oct 2008 14:21:33 PDT "lot's of bad thing's are happening to me, lately"
and she replied, "Then, why are you always smiling? Even now, your smiling as you're telling me this!"

I can describe it, but I'm just always happy lately. In the past two or three monthes, I havent been sad for more than a couple of hours. However, I have cried.

Last month, September, I heard from my dear mom. She's doing great, she's getting better. I was talking to her on the phone after three years, and i was shocked! Her voice, which I had forgotten so long ago, sounded so different. She sounded so small, I couldnt believe it was my mother I was taking to- my mom, the person who gave me life, the person who was, when i was a child, invincible.

I spoke to hear camly, talked to her about how God changed my life and asked her to forgive me. This, my family was shocked to hear. But i asked her to forgive me for my resentment torwards her, for so long. All those times she called, but I was too hurt to want to talk to her. All those times she told me "i'm sorry" but i was in too much pain to feel any sincerity behind those words.

Through it all, I spoke calmly and happily and she replied in like manner. Oddly enough, it was when I let go.

"Bye, my dear one, I love you,"

"Bye, mom, I love you too, God bless you and keep being strong and-"

and I couldnt continue cause my voice cracked and I started crying. Crying cause I was Happy.


So many things changed in me, that crying isnt a burden anymore. I'm not ashamed to cry, no matter where I am. And problems arent so horrible- I make a resolve and leave it to God.

Winter's coming- and the day that I decided to have faith in somone higher, in God, is approaching. It's going to be two years since then!

yes, things have changed- and change is sometimes scary, but that's not a bad thing, right?

No, I dont think it's a bad thing, after all.

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20728034/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20728034/ Sun, 28 Sep 2008 16:40:40 PDT
I have been saying that to my friends lately. Natalia knows this already but bad, sometimes life changing things happen to me during the winter. Every winter, something has happened to me and I always feel so nostalgic about it- it's as though winter never ends. In my memories, the winter is so, so long.

But this winter- what will happen? It's autumn- my favorite season- but i cant help but wonder, what will i face from now on?

I'm no longer dependant on people, nor am i sharing very personal feelings with others- It's not that I hate or dislike my friends but...what can i say?

"once bitten, twice shy."

I learned a big lesson from last year, and I'm making sure not to share any more negative things with people- like my opinions about others or important secrets. I'm not talking about anyone again with others, wether malice is put into my words or not.

Well, I'm making more friends and I'm happy, I'm restoring my spiritual life and things are going smoothly.

Will this be my first winter of peace?

I'm not to sure- all my life, something always seem to go wrong during winter, then in the spring it resolves and in the summer I learn lessons from my problems and grow as a person. And autumn- autumn is when I am just waiting, it's my middle ground.


I love autumn~

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20315005/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/20315005/ Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:01:36 PDT
I've got this lullaby for you
Don’t you worry, baby
I’ll be here by your side
May tomorrow be wonderful, too
Close to you I hope to stay
Endlessly from today
Even through cloudy days
You are not alone


Yes I love that song almost as much as Mosaic Kakera by FLOW or Flower by L'arc~en~Ciel

ANYWHO! Today was my first day of school, though it was officially the second. I was absent on the first, sadly! Darn you, long car trips!

But it was a wonderful day- i have lotsa classes with Natalia and Stephanie, Yvonne, Claudia, Mariah and Stacey. Julie is at my school and I made three aquaintances today who are awesome~

It's like....It's like....this year is going to be good! Know why? I'm not going to be so shy- trust me, i'm talking alot more *blush* maybe too much now? ALAS!

I'm aso not going to let any friend hurt me, nor will i get as sad as last year! no! no! no! Through faith, i make it so! *shakes fist in the air*

Lastly, years change! Things change! I change! I learned from my mistakes and I have faith in God, He wont let me down! plus i got a new attitude. *laugh* yes, yes I did.

Spanish class is much too easy for me though. I wanted to get credit for the class AND the test but my GOD it's much to easy! It's stupidity! I'm just going to the advance class.

Oh and I'm getting into cartooning next week, praise the Lord. They apparently lost me in the system or something and ended up putting me in Graphic Design, but today they changed it for me. I'm so happy~

LAST THING! I think I'm much too kind to people who make me coffee- i went to Dunkin Donuts and along with my muffin and coffee they gave me a whole buncha free munchkins! I feel so guilty! Why am i so beautiful? *sigh* Joking.

Gotta go, bye!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19971892/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19971892/ Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:17:27 PDT
Before i left to Florida, I went to trim my hair- just the ends. My mother and i walked to the nearest salon and told a woman who had done our hair before just to cut my ends. She nodded, but insisted on doing my mother's hair and left me with another woman- one who complained about wanting to leave.

Well, the less than enthusiastic person cut my hair much too short- MUCH TOO SHORT! My first layer- which was shorter than the rest but reached my chest is now barely touching my shoulder- the rest of my hair only about two inces past my shoulders.

Let me tell you, when i left that place i almost had a spasm. I looked at my short hair and almost cried, thinking "what will people think now? after all those issues? and promising to keep my hair long?" I got worried but than decided not to cry over spilled milk and though some people are critisizing me as of late i've decided to not care- worrying will not make my hair longer, God knows it wasnt my fault and screw it all- its just hair, for Christ's sake!

I'm sad though, before the hair cut i kept thinking "wow, i really like my hair long." and now, after the cut, i want my hair long again. Ahhh the cruel irony.


Anywho, here in Florida i'm going to theme parks, swiming and having a good time. I'm making lots of videos too. I do that alot, and they tend to be funny because i loosen up around my family.

Heh, anyways me and Nico (my brother) are going on ALL things that are rollar coasters and death-defying drops and stuff. I love that stuff! What ever is scary i want to hop on!

But nothing's making me scream! I'm so sad! In fact, me and nico went on one ride and this guy from england and his Dad shared a row with us in the front of the ride. And the guy, in his cool speaking glory, smiled at me and said "promise me you wont scream?"

Well i just smiled back and said: "oh, dont worry- I wont. My brother, however, is a different story." My brother just rolled his eyes and told us that nothing close to a scream would escape his lips.

During the ride, however, nico and the two guys next to me were all screaming. And i mean, SCREAMING. and I? I was hysteraclly laughing and the second the ride ended i turned to all three guys, put my hands on my hips arrogantly and announced "you know, when i make promises i tend to keep them- what happened to you guys, hmm?"

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19720503/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19720503/ Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:36:45 PDT
As I walked through the rows and rows of shoes, amoungst the masses of women and teenaged girls, I sat down, resting my tierd legs. The JC Penny shoe department- my worst enemy. I left my mom, Ana, and my two brothers to carry about thier buisness while I would rest after a long day of shopping with my family.


Next to me sat a little girl, adorable and small- with big, curious eyes and shoulder-length hair I found her undeniably cute. That's when she turned to me and, with the cutest voice, asked "Are you a kid?"

"Um...." Would she understand the term "teenager?" she was my little brother's age, if not just a bit older. I decided not to use big words. "I'm just a little older then a kid," I told her.

She nodded enthusiasticlly and told me her age, along with the fact that she was going to the first grade- so she WAS my brother's age. I nodded, treating her like one should treat any talkative child- as though what they say is the most suprising, and wonderful news you had ever recieved, even if on the inside you felt otherwise. But I didnt mind this girl, she was cute.

That's when it started.

She looked up and me, and grabbed my waiste. I squirmed, uncomfertable with being grabbed at by a stranger. Then she, in a loud voice, asked: "What color is your bra?"

I flushed and twitched in her tight grip, embarrased by the gazes of strangers who were overhearing. "Tha-that's not something you should say, little girl," I told her, but my words were in vain. She ignored my desperate attempts and proceded to ask, and ask, and ask. Louder and louder every time.

Then, she grabbed my shirt- or rather, the shirt on top of my tank top and pulled it down full fource. My shoulder and collar bone completely exposed, I felt my face warm even more.
"L-let go! Dont grab my clothes!"
"But I want to see! Let me see your bra!"
"NO! Stop!"
I pulled away and sat a seat away from the girl but she only followed me, and giggled as she sat on my lap. My God, i thought, why me? WHY ME, DEAR JESUS?

I noticed, through the corner of my eye my mom and I praised the Lord under my breathe. "Hallelujah, mi mama esta alli- Gracias Dios mio!" and called my mom in spanish- yelling for help.

"Mami, salva me, adjuda me! Maaaami!"

But my cries were in vain- she was busy talking to Ana, and thus ignoring me. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my hair and yelped in pain. I turned around to see the girl- a fistful of my brown locks in her tightened fist as she pulled and tugged violently. "Pay attention to me," she demanded.

I pryed open her hands and loosened myself from her, but she only continued to pull my shirt down. "Is that your bra?" she asked, pointing to my tanktop, and I tried to respond, but was shocked by the fact that she grabbed my tanktop now, ready to pull down- And God as my witness, I wasnt planning for ANYONE to see my chest, so I yanked away, falling off the chair.

I stood up and noticed people staring, now I was truely humiliated. "I'm not going to show you my bra so stop trying to take my shirt off!" I told her, unaware of how loud my voice was. "Those are not things you do to a stranger or a girl!"

I looked at the girl, expecting to find remorse. She only looked dead straight at my chest. "Wow, you're really, really short but your boobs are HUGE!"

I groaned and hightailed it out of there, literally running away- I'd meet my mom OUTSIDE of the store from hell later, but I had to get out of there!



Unbeknownst to me, as soon as I left, my brother Nico- the middle child- soon enough took my spot, sitting next to that very same little girl in blissful ignorance of what the future held.

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19615188/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19615188/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 22:54:38 PDT
-on my deciding not to cut my hair, for very dramatic and sentimental reasons
-on my dear family member's birthday which i failed to correctly write a spanish card for
-on my brother, who's insanity and constant pick-up lines deserves a page
-on my dentist trip from hell (God forgive me)
-on my trip- filled with some annoyance, a tierd young girl, disgusting arrogance, a wonderful and super cool role model of mine and the repeated use of "es para hoy" against my will
-on the reason why i wish i was in California to fufill my dream (literal, not metaphorical), possibly inspired by my failure to give a beloved friend a birthday gift for her birthday last may
-On my odd trip to playland, motion sickness and "42", the first guy to actually randomly hit on me who wasnt a complete jerk or pervert. still doesnt mean he gets a chance though


some much to do and so little will. Hmm.....which should i write about? since im sure only one person reads this journal- when im lucky- the chances of a vote is off. I'll decide soon enough.

Oh yeah and i HATE milk now. ive been hating it for about two monthes and will no longer drink that disgusting liquid ever again. Detials, you ask? maybe ill tell you in my next entry~

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19293793/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19293793/ Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:15:11 PDT
Mind you though, when i blew the candles out i really made a wish. I mean, i never do- not even as a child. It seemed to me that there was nothing to wish for. But just before blowing them out I asked God for something very special. yup.

Moving on, however, the next day was awesome. I went to a HUGE mall and wasted a good amount of money. On what, you may ask? Well, i bought a TON of books, a couple of manga books. I also bought a shirt for a friend of mine. but before i went to the bookstore, i went somewhere else: Kinokuniya!

Never heard of it? thought not. Its a japanese book store. Just think of it like....the barnes and nobles of Shinjuku? Well, i went in there on impulse. It was so huge and dazzeling, with very pretty art and (of course) japanese music playing overhead. As I walked through the store, I looked at all there early releases on manga that most stores didnt have and was tempted to buy but I resisted- "Remember, you have a 100 dollar gift card for barnes and noble, Estefania, control yourself!" I thought.

Well, as i looked through the art books, i was going to leave the illustration section to move on to the manga. But the something caught my eye. And, all jokes aside, I literally stopped mid-step and made the oddest U-turn possible when I peered at these big, shiny packets of Code Geass. My eyes were probably shining. I swear.

I looked at the packets and peered at the back, where there was tons of images I'd never seen before online. I ran up to the clerk and he, being the kind man he was, read it to me and explained that in Japan popular animes usually make special illustrations for fans. They put these illustrations in packets, with the rough drafts included, and make it so each packet has a random picture. Often times, he told me, people collect these illustrations before they run out.

Yeah.

I bought two.

Couldnt help it. I wanted to buy more- i wish i did- but then I noticed copic markers they were selling, alot cheaper than in most stores and i HAD to seal the chance. While the clerk bought me all the markers i asked for, i peered at the back of the Code Geass illustrations and almost died. There, right before me, where they show the buyer all the possible outcomes in tiny little pictures, was my NEED. A picture of C.C. and Lelouch! And not JUST a picture of them, a AWESOME picture of them. C.C. was in his shirt, holding the zero mask-thing, and Lelouch had his arms around her shoulders. I almost died.

As I bought the two packets, i got this thought though. "I just hope I dont get Kallen or that "Orange" guy or his partner.


Guess what i ended up getting?

Kallen and the orange dude's partner.

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19094643/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/19094643/ Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:48:41 PDT
First off, The world ends with you- What can i say? hmmmm......Josseline you were so totally wrong- TWEWY is the sexiest, the sexiest of all the sexy DS games. so there. :3

I got the game on tue., got it taken away that same night (dont ask why) and given back of thursday. Today's saterday and im five seconds away -almost- from beating the game. I LOVE IT! why do i love it? because its cool!

fighting is, dare i say it, fun. I mean, usually in RPGS i try to avoid fighting the stupid little monsters cause they bug me, but this game made me actually go ahead and fight them.

The music is Awesome and ubber catchy and the art is cool. But whats my favorite thing in the game?

Sho Minamimoto- the zetta awesome reaper! I mean sure, i have to fight him, he's a freak genius and it takes FOREVER to kill him but still- that math nerd is the coolest. He's so corny though- X 2 die? Zetta Cool? Consine, sine and all that math junk?

Still, i love him. <3 and rythme- she's so cute. WHY MUST SHE DIE SO SOON INTO THE GAME? Gah!

Second, and i still cant believe it, i got a Wii! I'm shocked! my uncle from my mother's side has been visiting lately and he bought me and my brothers 600 dollars worth of games and game products. I am still in shock.

No one ever spends that kind of money on me at one time all at once! I was just amazed, and i felt kind of guilty but you cant change my uncles mind once it's set.

Third, My birthday is in about a week! Im gonna be 15! next to being 17, thats an awesome age. I wonder what I'll do....

I can invite my oldest friend, mell, and her sister. Nathalia too, and julee and stuff but i really dislike big parties. during my last b-day, i had 4 or 5 people over, and i think 4 slept over all at once. That was so ubber stressful. Fun, but stressful.

My father (biological) is kinda upset cause he thinks i should celebrate it like a normal spanish girl and make a big girly party. But as i tell everyone, i dont want a sweet 16 or 15 or whatever- i dont like parties! Gah!

Fourth.......fourth........what to write for fourth? Uh....

I got a 90.8 average, AGAIN?
I want to cut my hair short, AGAIN?
I'm possibly getting a job in a library and if not, an ice cream store? A FIRST?!

........Huh...this is zetta wierd, no fourth? gasp!

Well, I guess this journal has been cut short. I'm gonna see if i get around to finishing that drawing of Tsukiaru and Haseo. OH GOD! Now i remember! The fourth one was that now im having doubts on thier relationship! All this fandom from friends about making them a couple is lodging it in my brain and making me wonder- i cant imagine them lovey-dovey but.....UGHHHH.....zetta wierd!



Okay, okay, i'll stop the zetta thing now. maybe.


Bye everyone, thanks so much for actually reading all the way to the bottom of this thing. Zetta thanks!



......I DID say 'maybe' didnt i? XD

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/18753042/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/18753042/ Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:07:54 PDT
So! About the fabulous, gorgerous me.... (if your taking me seriously than no- im not THAT arrogant)

My friend julee is coming to my school next year- that makes me super,duper, ubber happy. i havent seen her in a year man! A YEAR! juleesia where art thou?! I remember middle school with her- she was amazingly fast and an awesome friend. I cant wait to see her again!

Second, I'm making a bit more friends, which i am very happy about. It's nice to expand your horizons and talk to different people! I'm very glad about that. Especially because there is this quiet girl i know- she spoke to me today, and that's very outgoing for her. she almost never speaks to anyone- she reminds me alot of myself at times. on to the point, she spoke to me and smiled and I'm glad i'm making progress with her- maybe all that small talk will one day make a conversation?

Third, Isabella is ADORABLE! mah little burrito, bella bo bini! I love her, she is so cute. Is it wrong for me to say that i laugh when she cries? It's just too adorable!! I just wanna smother her! Geeee!

Fourth, Im gonna get THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU. I am so happy! SO SO SO HAPPY! that game's gonna be sexy :3

Lets seeeeeeee.........I'm doing pretty good socially, acedemically im apparently soaring (i got into advance classes for science and history) and i find myself very happy lately, despite small things. I just hate the weather lately, it's DISGUSTING. UGH. >____<

Well, im done boring you readers with my rants- bye bye people! thank you for reading, viewing and commenting.







AND JOSSELINE, IF YOUR READING, I AM NOT YOUR TOMATOE! NOR YOUR BAND MATE! GAH!

]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/18485571/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/18485571/ Sat, 24 May 2008 20:51:22 PDT
I mean seriously, everything i draw looks like vomit now! I'm pretty sure it's because I am dishearted and questioning my skills. It's tough. I wonder what i can do to regain my talent. I keep trying but nothing seems to work....Grrr......


AND i'm still sick. That sucks even more! the medicine im taking BURNS! BURNS, I TELL YOU! with the fire of a thousand suns.....

*sigh* I hope life takes a toll for a better, things are getting tough as of late. It seems all my intentions are getting badly interpretted. Man, oh man.....

guess all i can do now is keep my head up!

Ohhs, I love this club man, love it! awesome fanart:



]]> ~Tsadde http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/18335948/ http://Tsadde.deviantart.com/journal/18335948/ Thu, 15 May 2008 12:40:08 PDT
You know what that means- nicknames. And nickname i shall. Of course, i called my mother "pregums" through the entire pregnancy, with a series of fat jokes, mom jokes and the occasional pregnancy clothes joke.

But now, Isabella shall be in the spotlight. Izzy, Bell, Bella, Bells, Ella, Isa, Pumpkin-bum. All the works. Now that my new sister is part of my life I shall re-name her, everyday that I can. you bet on it.


Progressing onto this journal-

I have decided I shall never have children myself. Adopt them- sure. Sure. But birth them? go through those processes? no way, man. no way.

Too nasty/scary/wierd/ just eww.

]]> ~Tsadde