http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Vicious-AD&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Vicious-AD en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:47:04 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/13881245/ http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/13881245/ Wed, 25 Jul 2007 23:31:38 PDT
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]]> !Vicious-AD http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/13741831/ http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/13741831/ Sun, 15 Jul 2007 07:57:02 PDT
So last night, I was getting more than fed up with the state of things, and I wanted so badly to do something about it instead of just sulk and curse aloud in my bed. I tried to think of all the things that are my problems right now (turns out there's only 4) and then I wrote down possible solutions, and how I could achieve those solutions. With his organization it finally made a little more sense. There really is nothing I can do at this given moment. I already applied at everywhere that's hiring in the city and got no callbacks, I can't raise my grades when school's not out, and the other stuff can't really be helped right now either. The solutions for those problems can only be achieved once school starts up again. When the only solution to one of the problems that I /can/ do right now is work out more, so I even planned out a workout regimen. Now that I know what to do to fix my problems, and now that I know that I have to wait for certain events to transpire before I can do those things, the guilt has gone away from manga and video games. I guess I just realized how much of an escapist I am. I'd run out of mangas and run out of videogames, and that made the harshness of reality and my fears of the future really kick me in the balls.

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Dispite all this, things aren't as bad as usual. I'm prepared to have to go to another school, so I'm no longer stressing about it. I'm working out more and can feel a difference in my mucles. I feel less denst, but more firm.

I've also started collecting coca cola product bottle caps and redeeming the points. This way I can save them up for a DS. I've already found a way to get up to 60 points a day even though I only drink one soda a day, which is worth 3 points. Maybe I'll make an algorithm to figure out their pattern of code generation.

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Of course, helpful, intelligent, and meaningful comments are always welcomed ^_^

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Things are looking better. I got a huge compliment from Dr. Dinmore, which is pretty rare, about my project on relating Kubla Rosse to the Merchant of Venice. This makes me very happy. I think I may have hope to graduate. I still feel a bit empty, probably because I know I still have lots of responsibilities that I need to take care of, but all in all I'm content. Almost cheery. FFX turned out to be a pretty good game so far. I know it'll get mushy and stuff later, so that will probably annoy the hell out of me, but I'm happy with how it currently is.

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I just can't stop seeing roses today. They where on the freeway when I passed by, the Visualization of windows media player was making a rose shape in a rose color, and the billows of smoke from my cigarette was swirling into a rose shape. I often wonder why over the ages, things have been compared to a rose's beauty, so much so that it is cliche. It's almost as if I'm fighting against myself to appreciate them. There are hundreds of thousands of types of flowers in north america alone, and roses seem to be highly regarded. Just like shakespere. I hate how overrated he is, but as I learn about his works in english class I begin to appreciate Merchant of Venice. I don't want to appreciate it. I don't want to become victem to tradition. Adaptation really is a funny thing. In order to fit into somewhere, I have to forfiet something else. In order to understand another person, I have to confuse my own inner perspective. I'll never be wolverine, and I'll never like shakespere, and I'll never see a rose as the most beautiful flower. I don't care what I tell myself. It's my responsibility as an artist to see beyond traditional beauty. Without that the world will never evolve.

]]> !Vicious-AD http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/12737217/ http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/12737217/ Wed, 25 Apr 2007 23:21:01 PDT
Lately I find myself wanting to leave my past behind. I know fully that my past is all that exists of me, and what makes up my personality and perspective, but lately I'm beginning to reject it. I feel like I was always too shitty of a person, and when I finally thought I was getting good at something or that people loved me, I go into one of these self-esteem demolishions. In retrospect, I don't think there's ever been a time where I was truely without guilt. The worst part is, now that I should be learning from my mistakes and changing my personality, I begin to lose the boy I once was and become a man I wouldn't have wanted to meet. With every insecurity I overcome, with every prejudice that I abolish, I lose a little piece of who I was and establish a new piece of who I was, when the entire point of reistablishing myself was initially to try and get back to my ideal of a good person. It's a vicious cycle, and it's killing me. I really hate to act emo, and I don't show it outwardly, but I really don't know how long of this I can take. I used to want life to be longer, but now when I foreshadow myself as an old man I see myself as being tired with life, the feeling you get when you've gone a full 24 hours doing the same thing. I just feel so old right now.

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]]> !Vicious-AD http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/12611777/ http://Vicious-AD.deviantart.com/journal/12611777/ Sun, 15 Apr 2007 21:25:46 PDT I know that people always say "You'll find another girl" and all that bullshit, but at this point I feel like if I somehow do find another girl so absolutely perfect, she'll just remind me too much of caitlyn. so I just can't get myself to love another girl the same way, even when I try. I think she really did put my emotions out of service for good. I really wonder if this will effect my artistic skill in any way. When I was with her I saw things completely differently. I understood romance in games and movies, instead of just rolling my eyes. Now I've taken a step back. I was once this sociopathic, and she cured it, but now she's left me a heartless and apathetic bastard once more. Well I hope she rots for it.

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