deviantART: by:Xfreak http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Xfreak&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Xfreak en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 02:26:55 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png Paris Paris! http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/9748247/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/9748247/ Wed, 16 Aug 2006 12:45:23 PDT Journal

My boyfriend bought me a trip to Paris last weekend! It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Just me and him having a marvelous time at the city of lights. We were only there for three days - which is too short to see most of Paris - but they were wonderful days!
I liked the surroundings of Centre Pompidou most. And also Montmartre, though it's a shame there's so much tourists :disbelief:
Notre Dame is definitely one of the most beautiful buidlings! I took some nice pictures there too.
Less positive about Paris is that it's soooo expensive. But anyway it didn't spoil the fun too much.


These were the best three days of the year 2006 for now!


Don't forget to take a look at the pictures in my gallery!





May 28th is from now on a special date! My only sister gave birth to a endlessly cute daughter, Kiana! She's so adorable. I'm really pleased to be an uncle. Especially when realising I most likely will never have children of my own (being gay and all). Anyway I can give all my attention to his kid :)

I'll post a picture of my niece in scraps! Take a look!
Oh, and don't forget to watch my new dev too :)


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]]> ~Xfreak NEW DEV http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/7564423/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/7564423/ Tue, 10 Jan 2006 13:12:47 PST
Woohoow!

I love space and I love experimenting :-)

Hope you like it! ]]> ~Xfreak Endlessly devoted? http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/6911898/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/6911898/ Mon, 31 Oct 2005 01:11:25 PST Journal

It's been a while since I signed in here. Time for an update.

First for the good news: I've got a new job! My previous job ended because I had a temporary contract. I will miss my collegues. For a first working experience it was the best one can hope for. My next job will be a challenge, but I'm very enthusiastic about it.

For the not so good news: love. I think my boyfriend is losing interest in me. We don't have sex that often anymore and he's more occupied with himself than with us (more than I'm used to, that is). And maybe I'm a bit paranoid, but I really wonder if he tells me everything I need to know (I mean about love, feelings, attraction). So, for now my relationship is consuming more mental power than it is giving me strength. Which is not good. We've been together for quite some years now, and we've known some serious ups and downs. But I think this one is the last down I will take. It really angers me. And I don't know if these downs are my fault, his, or if he's not trying enough. I even start to doubt if he's ever capable of having long term relationships. He gets bored too easily and he's too lazy to do much about it. I think I deserve better...

But then again, that's what I thought the last time. One year ago I broke up myself for exactly the same reason. But then he started to try to get me back and I came back on my decision. I'll try not to make a mistake twice.

He's not endlessly devoted. But neither am I. Or are we? Or am I?



I finally got a week off from work... Lately I'm also starting to get this urge to take pictures again. Unfortunately I haven't found the inspiration yet...

I'm also starting to feel a bit more gloomy again. I get frustrated at work because of the things that slow down everything. Sometimes I've got difficulty concentrating. Also I feel more insecure about personal things than I did the last few months. I'm getting more doubt and fear in my mind...

I really can't pinpoint where this comes from. My relationship is still the same - quite good. I've got an income. I've got friends. I've got things to do. Then what is happening again?

I wish I could divide my brain into a "good-vibes half" and a "bad-vibes half". Then I could get one half removed.

One foot on the sunny side. One foot in the water.


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Communities... ]]> ~Xfreak Need more time a day http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/5382331/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/5382331/ Tue, 17 May 2005 11:56:48 PDT Journal


Ok, this is just a minor update.

I haven't been on DA for like ages or something. I don't have much time to make new things, which I hate. Maybe I need to plan a "work on something for DA"-weekend :)

I'd love to go on a photoshoot, but I just need a day to go somewhere interesting and take lots of pictures.

Anyway, I'll try soon. Stay tuned!


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Gallery of =Caelus-Lorre


Gallery of *Catteke


Stock-accounts


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Do you want to be mentioned here? Just send me a note and I'll include you in my next journal.
]]> ~Xfreak Wild Wild West http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/5056937/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/5056937/ Mon, 11 Apr 2005 02:32:37 PDT Journal

I've been gaybashed this weekend...

Saturday night me and my friend were going home after a party. In the streets 4 men started talking to us. They were quite agressive and we tried to ignore them and continue but then suddenly they attacked us from behind.

We got several beatings.

When they ran away, we noticed they had our wallets too. Suddenly a police car stopped by and they took us for a ride to try to trace those men. We didn't find them...

We were brought to the hospital, were we noticed we were covered in blood. Apparently they had stabbed us with a small knife (which we never saw, or we just can't remember). I got a knife in my back (near my spine) and in the back of my head. Also my wrist was damaged. Kevin had a wound in his arm (an inch or so deep) and in his shoulder and his nose is broken.

We both got 2 stitches.

By sunday morning we got home finally and we went to bed for just a few hours (we really didn't sleep untill then). In the afternoon we went to the police. My wallet had already been found and brought back to the police. Ofcourse the money was gone, but that's not too bad.

Anyway, now everything hurts. Every muscle in my back and my arms. My legs are painful, I can barely bend over or turn my head. My eye is black and there's blood in my hair, but I can't wash it out because my wound is there and soap isn't the best thing to cover it with.

But the good part: we survived. I'm glad they didn't hit my spine...

And no, I'm not going to let me be scared off now. I'm going to continue my life as before. Gaybashed or not.

Bastards.



I saw Citizen Kane yesterday. It's a very intriguing, artistically filmed picture from the hand of Orson Welles.

In short, it's about Kane, who has a newspaper imperium in the US and is one of the richest and powerful men alive in the early 20th century. At his deathbed in his castle, his last word is "Rosebud". A reporter is sent out to find out what he meant by this through interviews with the people that knew Kane. And thus, with flashbacks, you get to know the life of Kane, and in the end you finally learn what he meant by the word.

Actually (without really telling the clue) the movie is about how one can lose something in his life at a time he needs it most, and thus living the rest of his restless life in search for something that can replace it but without ever getting the same emotional and psychological satisfaction the lost thing could ever generate.

I think, just like Kane, we (almost) all have our "Rosebuds". I certainly do. Maybe I have more than one...

What is your...


"Rosebud"?



March 3rd 1995
In Memoriam
my grandmother

10 years equals

10 times Christmas without her fabulous dinner
10 birthdays without her kisses

3650 days without a call from her
3650 days without her hugging me
3650 days without her presence
3650 days without her smile

a part of me already passed away ten years ago
and my memories are fading like your ashes in the wind
only leaving this warm feeling I once had
inside

***

Should have posted this earlier, but I didn't have time before...

Last friday I went to the place where my grandmother was cremated ten years ago. I remember parts of it like it was yesterday...

When I was standing there, grass and flowers covered in snow, remembering the day I saw her ashes fly away, I realized I miss her as much as ten years ago. I wish she could see me... how I've grown up, how I finished my studies, how I got in love, how I came out of the closet, how I got to be the person I am now. I guess she'll never know... And I'll never know how she would have played a part in all of this.

The last thing I ever told her was that I would see her again in only a few days.
The last thing I ever saw of her, was her waving out of the window, as I reached the end of the street, turning around the corner...
Never to speak to her again. Never so see her again.



Two more days... I hate this time of year...


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]]> ~Xfreak Lazy Sunday Afternoon http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4683495/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4683495/ Sun, 27 Feb 2005 11:22:18 PST Journal

Phew, 2005 really is bringing my life in acceleration. Since I got this job, I don't seem to have much time for myself anymore. And the little bit of time I have (mostly sundays), I'm so tired or lazy I still can't manage to try to do all this stuff I still need to do.

This weekend I had to work all saturday. And after that I went to a party. I must have been awake for like 24h that day. So today I'm tired as hell :)

Anyway I really want to try to go on a picture hunt. It's been a long time since I used my cam. And I don't want to neglect it too much :)

Oeh, and I got to go to Nightwish last week! In one word, it was awesome! Great band, great music, great voice, great show! Now stop reading this and go get some Nightwish music!


Journal

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Gallery of *Catteke


Stock-a... ]]> ~Xfreak I'm back! And I've got a job :) http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4519675/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4519675/ Mon, 07 Feb 2005 10:52:22 PST Journal


Finally another update! It has been a while. Reason: I've got a job! Yey me :)

What happened? On tuesday the 25th I had interviews with the organizations Sensoa and Holebifederatie. I wasn't even home yet, when I got a call from the Holebifederatie. They wanted to hire me! Then the next day I heard from Sensoa the same thing :) It was a difficult choice, but in the end I chose for the Holebifederatie. On the 26th I signed my contract already.

So it went fast, really fast. And I started February 1st. But I still had a lot of work to do so I had very little spare time (I had to prepare for a party we were throwing with our organization). It was a fun party btw, with a lot of people and waaaaay too much drinks for me :) Next time I'm going to try to be a little bit less drunk :)

I don't think I will have a lot of time for DA anymore :( But I'm going to try to put as much time as possible in DA. Anyway, I'll keep you up to date!

Cya!


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~Xfreak Wow O_o http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4383730/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4383730/ Sat, 22 Jan 2005 08:56:47 PST Journal




I was pleasantly surprised today as I saw that on January 21st, I got 6 :+fav: on "Dead End"! I'd like to thank everybody who gave a :+fav: and/or commented on it. I really really really appreciate it!

Also, yesterday I got a call from our national gay, lesbian & bisexual rights organisation, the "Holebifederatie". I got an appointment for my job application!
So, next tuesday I've got 2 appointments: at Sensoa and at the Holebifederatie. I really hope I can get one of those two jobs!

Oeh, I also want to thank everybody for the marvelous presents I got. It's really nice of you all! *gives many hugs* I got a cartoon book about suicidal bunnies (no, really! :D ), one about digital photography (very handy indeed :) ), I got three wooden cat statues (I love pussy - I mean, cats), a police-style alarm clock (think I'm gonna put it on my bike! :D *wiiiiooooh wiiiiiioooh wiiiiioooooh*) and perfume (man I smell good now :) ). Hope I didn't forget anything....

Oh, and I want you to meet Freddy, my wooden puppet. I'll put a picture of him in my scraps. He'll be my model for my portrait photography (I'm still practising this part though). Hope I'll have my own live models some day :D

Conclusion: me is still happy, thanks to my friends and good prospects and stuff.

Love and kisses to all of you!


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~Xfreak Bday+1 http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4341362/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4341362/ Mon, 17 Jan 2005 08:55:59 PST Journal


It's the day after my Bday and I got a nice telephone call this morning!

I applied by mail for a job at Sensoa, and now I got an appointment! So, finally I get another chance to get a job.

For those of you who don't know what Sensoa is or does, go check [link]. In short, they set up campaigns and various activities around HIV-AIDS and sexually transmittable diseases.

Oh, and I'm seriously working on the layout of this journal. As you can see below, I've now included a footer, where I will highlight some things you have to check out. It can be links, deviants, deviations, news items, articles, ... Anything I think is important enough to include. If you want to be showcased here, just send me a note and I'll include you in my next journal!


Journal

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Gallery of *Xfreak


Gallery of *Caelus-Lorre


Stock-accounts


Do you want to be mentioned here? Just send me a note and I'll include you in my next journal.
]]> ~Xfreak 16/01/1981-16/01/2005 http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4333982/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4333982/ Sun, 16 Jan 2005 10:55:37 PST Journal

It's my bday today! :party: Again a year older :)

I had a terrific weekend. Went out with some friends yesterday. It was a very nice night! I still need to do something for my bday, but because so many of my friends have exams, I'm going to wait untill the end of january to try to do something with the bunch.

I made a new avatar for my DA account. Comments are welcome :)

I'm also working on the layout of my journal. I'm making a header which I will test in this journal. It'll probably change a bit over the coming days. It's still a work in progress...

]]> ~Xfreak Happy http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4323966/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4323966/ Sat, 15 Jan 2005 03:20:59 PST
Nothing special maybe? For me it is. I can't remember the last time I've felt this happy, for such a long period. I haven't felt bad this month, not even one minute. Except physically because of the food poisoning or virus or whatever it was - but that's over now, yey me!

So, Kenneth is happy. Ok, I still have got no job, but I'm having good forecasts. Ok, I don't have much money, but I have managed for years without much money, so these few more weeks won't do much harm. Ok, there's a a lot of stuff I want and still don't have, but I'll get it once. Ok, contact with some of my friends isn't as close as I want it to be, but I can work on it. AND I've got some really nice friends!

And love?
Well, there's somebody out there that I love... And things are going well between us. And he's doing sooo much to gain and deserve my love (he didn't do that always, unfortunately, but then again, that was not his intention). So I like it the way it's going. Even better: I don't need love to be happy with myself. Love is nice, love is bliss, but it's not the single factor that should make me happy in life. I finally can say that now. That's an accomplishment!

And the future?
I hope for the best. I've had some hellish times already (and I'm not even 24 yet - still one day though *hint* ), so if there's more hellish times to come, I'll manage. I could before, so I'll be able to in the future. But hey, there's hope. I'm happy now, and I intend to be!

And the people that are still down or having rough times?
It's not because I'm happy now, that I won't be there for my friends anymore. Hey, read my Xmas wishes here on DA!

Wow, a few months ago I would never have imagined me writing this. Read my other journals - phew, so depressing :) Yes I know, I'm a weirdo :)

Anyway, signing off now, got some stuff to do! Love ya all!
:giggle: :party: :blowkiss:

]]> ~Xfreak My Own Fake Tattoo http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4285742/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4285742/ Mon, 10 Jan 2005 12:27:07 PST It's airbrush, not henna, and it stays for like a day or two. It's already fading :(

Anyway I took a pic of it. It's in my scraps.

Ow, and I got sick on sunday. I think I've got a food poisoning. Not going to give any details, just think Hell :) Because of that I haven't been very productive... I hope I get better quickly.

]]> ~Xfreak Meet Laartje http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4260562/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4260562/ Fri, 07 Jan 2005 08:41:12 PST
one of my best lady friends has got a DA page now. Be sure to devwatch her!
~Laartje
:wave:

Oh, and while I'm at it: also visit my other friends ~Catteke , ~Caelus-Lorre , ~XBooster , ~markornikov , ~mithke , ~ talia , ~Black--Eyed , ~Darkbluespace and others (take a look at my friends list below).

hope I didn't forget somebody... :hmm:

]]> ~Xfreak Happy New Year! http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4226095/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4226095/ Mon, 03 Jan 2005 02:46:38 PST Hope you will all have a very nice 2005!
My best wishes!

I took a lot of pictures of the fireworks here in Antwerp. I'm picking out the best ones and I'm going to make a collage with it. I think I'm gonna post some of them in scraps already, as a kind of preview.

So, stay tuned and enjoy these first days! :airborne: :excited:

]]> ~Xfreak Need inspiration http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4167587/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4167587/ Mon, 27 Dec 2004 07:59:34 PST
So yay me :aww:

On the downside, being happy seems to temper my inspiration! :shakefist:

Anyway, if people have good ideas, lemme know ok? :)

]]> ~Xfreak Subscription!!! http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4141983/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4141983/ Sat, 25 Dec 2004 00:41:36 PST
:kiss: :kiss: :kiss: Kevin (he's the model in At Night and in Window, check him out :p )

*faints with excitement* :faint:

Stats for *Xfreak

I have 1,950 pageviews total and my 37 deviations were viewed 1,834 times.

Overall, people left 163 comments and added my deviations to their favourites 56 times, while I commented 252 times, making about 0.63 comments per day since I've joined DA. This means that I gave 15 comments for every 10 that I received.

My most commented deviation was Dead End with 20 comments, receiving an average of 1.42 per day in the first 2 weeks, and it was also my most favourited, with 11 favourites, averaging 0.78 per day in the first 2 weeks. My most viewed deviation was Ice Age with 147 views.

3 Favourites were given for every 10 Comments.

Every 10.7 days I upload a new deviation, and it's usually on a Tuesday , with 30%/11 of my deviations.

My busiest month was October 2004 with 9 /24% of my deviations.

The majority of my deviations are uploaded to the Digital Art gallery (26 ), while my favorite category was Photomanipulation > People with 7 deviations

Comments per deviation: 4.4
Favourites per deviation: 1.51
Views per deviation: 49.56
Comments per day: 0.41
Favourites per day: 0.14
Views per day: 4.62
Pageviews per day: 4.92


Stats provided by $micahgoulart @ Ingenial.com / GalleryStats ]]> ~Xfreak Scared Of Yourself http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4001681/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/4001681/ Mon, 06 Dec 2004 09:44:51 PST :love:

Zornik - Scared of Yourself

You reach for pain
you reach for fear
you reach for everything
but nothing ever comes your way

And I'm not lying
you always complain about the way I behave without you

And last night I had a dream
about it
And it's very hard to stay faithful
to a dream of you

CHORUS:
Think about the lies
that we told to each other
we never bothered
What a big surprise
that you're scared of yourself
and alone all again

You reach for me
you reach for us
you reach for everything
but nothing ever comes my way

But you
you are nothing but a state of mind
from the start until the end

CHORUS x 2 ]]> ~Xfreak Boost http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3946700/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3946700/ Mon, 29 Nov 2004 10:53:35 PST Mood: disconnected
Listening to: DJ Tiësto - The Parade Of The Athletes
Watching: Cabaret

I really need a boost. An energy boost. And I don't mean a chemical one.

I'm feeling like sheets over an empty bed - pointless, cold, lonely, not able to be useful.

There's stuff I need to do. But I'm just postponing it instead of doing it rigth away? Why? I guess because I just can't handle anything obligatory anymore. My energy is gone. The only thing that's left for me to do, is try to feel better. And I just don't know how.

We even ran out of chocolate. Bleh :(

I need a boost. A big one... ]]> ~Xfreak 1 YEAR AT DA!!! http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3906946/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3906946/ Wed, 24 Nov 2004 07:41:09 PST
Today I'm a deviant since exactly 1 year!

Some stats:
1,647 pageviews (almost 5 a day)
Deviant Comments Received: 88 (more than 7 a month)
Deviations: 33 (almost 3 a month)
Favorites Received: 42 (3.5 a month)
8 ice age
8 dead end
6 gonna miss you
5 evolution recycled
2 train to madrid
2 frodo
2 unwanted future
1 at night
1 exploding sun
1 rings of saturn
1 whirlpool galaxy
1 time flies
1 me myself and i
1 don't let me go
1 bright eyes
1 time lapse
Devwatches: 22 (almost 2 a month)

To thank all deviants for their support, I've opened a stock account! You can find it here: ~xstock
Enjoy!

***

So, I was thinking, how about summing up some things I've learned after one year of DA and several years of Photoshop. Here comes...

- Always work on bigger resolutions than your final picture will be. This makes it easier to work on small details and it covers up minor mistakes (like hard edges, too much blur, ...).

- If you start from a digital image you make yourself, try to make more than one version. Use different settings. Then compare them and select the one that seems to fit best.

- Don't forget: if you're working on a digital image, you can only loose information, but you can't gain any. If you blur/distort/... some details away, you will never recover it, unless you draw/render/... it again yourself.

- Always work on the big picture first. Then go smaller and work on details. It's like painting basically. Or building a house. Why do this? You try paint your room when they didn't finish the roof and walls yet...

- Always save at regular intervals. Nothing is as annoying as a crash right after you FINALLY got that result you've wanted for so long. Especially when you don't remember how you did it.

- Read a lot of tutorials and try them out. Then try to find your own techniques and try to improve it. First imitate. Then innovate.

- If you just can't get it right: put it aside and try something else. Try again later.

- If you don't have any inspiration: just browse DA and other sites. The more impressions you get, the more ideas you get. The more input, the more output. Just try not to steal any ideas and contact the artist if you're not sure you'll be imitating not too much.

- Use layers, layer names and layer sets! The better you organise your psd file, the quicker you'll be working. It's quite annoying to have to look through all your layers each time to find the object you want to edit again. Name your layers and group them if you have many.

- Learn the shortcuts of the functions you use most often (look at the menus). For PS I learned to use "d" (default colors), "x" (swap default colors), "ctrl+j" (duplicate layer), "ctrl+a" (select all), "ctrl+d" (deselect), "ctrl+u" (hue/saturation), "ctrl+shift+u" (desaturate), "ctrl+m" (curves), "ctrl+f" (repeat last filter), "ctrl+z" (undo), "ctrl+t" (transform), and some others. And the most important shortcut any newbie should use daily: F1!

- Play with your tools (the Photoshop ones! :p ) and experiment. Read about them. The same goes for layer modes, blending options, selections and layer masks. After a while you should be able to more or less predict what some function will do, instead of just making everything on trial-and-error base.

- Use filters wisely and in nice combinations. Don't just throw some filters at your picture and think it looks nice because it looks different. You're not making microwave food here! Use a filter because it has a purpose for your picture and play with the settings to get different results.

- Use adjustment and fill layers when possible! If you change contrast, curves, saturation or whatever directly, it will be difficult to change it back if you're not satisfied. If you use adjustment/fill layers, you can remove and change the effect as you please. You can even combine them in ways you couldn't otherwise.

- Use the history panel! You can undo things in much more different ways than just going back one step. You can undo things partially, you can fade filters and effects, use the history brush, etc. Make sure you know what you're doing, so read about those things.

- Think about the size and proportion of your final image. Use crop wisely. Always resample down, never up.

- Use a frame for your artwork. Preferably one... ]]> ~Xfreak I Will Lay Me Down http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3868201/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3868201/ Fri, 19 Nov 2004 01:47:01 PST

It seems that I'm one of the least gloomy persons these days. And that's NOT good :worry: Even the person that I considered the most stabile, is down these days... Even solar eclipses are less rare :O_o:

It's almost unreal... I hope everybody gets happy/happier soon. I'm really going to try to help in this, but unfortunately I'm not superman :( But I'll do my best.

*gives a real long emo hug to his friends out there and hope it can make them feel better* :hug: :cling:

To end with some maybe cliché lyrics (it's still the right words I was looking for):

When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

(Bridge over troubled water - Simon and Garfunkel) ]]> ~Xfreak Dead End http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3854327/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3854327/ Wed, 17 Nov 2004 01:52:19 PST Mood: worried
Listening to: silence

I almost lost someone a few days ago. For good. Almost. I've never been so scared of losing someone before. Never.

A few nights ago everything was too much for me. Too heavy on my mind. So I took my bike and started biking through the dead city and to the harbor. Not knowing where to go or what to do.

Then I saw this tunnel. It captured me, so I wanted to capture it. Along with this desperate feeling. The end of all I could bear. The end of me. A Dead End .

But then I started to think of you. How you almost slipped away. How it affected me in such a dramatic way. And I couldn't do this to you and to others that need me right now. I can't fail when others need me. I have to cope with this and help them cope too. We'll have to help each other.

For me, Dead End depicts a consideration I've been playing with in my mind for a long time now. An act of despair. But it also depicts how I would have felt if a few days ago things would have gone wrong irreversably. Then it wouldn't be my tunnel I was watching, but yours. And I would never be able to find you back in there. Never.

Let's not go to this dead end. Let's go for new changes. Please... ]]> ~Xfreak Unintended http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3796902/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3796902/ Tue, 09 Nov 2004 19:49:03 PST Mood: in doubt
Listening to: Muse - Absolution

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
Muse - Unintended

I wanted freedom
bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation
Muse - Time Is Running Out

there's nowhere left to hide
in no one to confide
the truth runs deep inside
and will never die
Muse - Sing For Absolution

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
i know i won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again
Muse - Falling Away With You

    Introspective Part 1 - Roller Coaster Mind
    Introspective Part 2 - Chemicals
    Introspective Part 3 - Bang Bang
    Introspective Part 4 - Cavity
    Introspective Part 5 - River Styx


Introspective Part 6 - Unintended

When you least expect it, situations tend to get more complicated. Even if you thought they couldn't get more complicated. Is it getting out of hand?

[I'm endlessly caving in]

I'm not a heartbreaker. I can't stand to see you like this. I'm sorry our lives intertwine. Two threads that keep the flesh together. It's a scar. I am your scar. How did it come to this?

Your face is like porcelain, your love like a boomerang. You're more vulnerable than I thought. Let the boomerang hit my face instead... How did it come to this?

[What a wicked thing to do]

Can a new chapter start when the previous one didn't really end yet? Or does an end consist of a new start? Or is it just another paragraph? Maybe I should let ends meet...

Two hearts beating in my chest. Both at a different pace. But where did my own go? I lost the rythm.

[Whatever road I'll take, someone will get lost]

I had it. I lost it. Now it found me. And it's coming back to me. I'm sorry this is happening to us. My time is running out.

[If I reach out with each hand, I'll fall]

Who will get hurt when I close all chapters? Who will get hurt when "the end" is the only thing I have left to write?

Should I wait for my next volume?

Maybe? ]]> ~Xfreak River Styx http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3732603/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3732603/ Tue, 02 Nov 2004 10:10:35 PST Mood: bitter(sweet)
Listening to: Eric Prydz - Call On Me
Watching: Spirited Away

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you - Sinead O'Connor

    Introspective Part 1 - Roller Coaster Mind
    Introspective Part 2 - Chemicals
    Introspective Part 3 - Bang Bang
    Introspective Part 4 - Cavity


Introspective Part 5 - River Styx

It was a dark night. There was a fog. I couldn't see the other side of the river. My city at the river Styx. A city of the living dead. At least that was how it felt. It was how I felt. Alive and dead. Neither wanting to live nor to die. I guess that's how Hell is like?

Didn't know if I should cross or not. Nobody to help me cross the river. I had to do it myself. Which I didn't. I'm still alive and dead.

The water was dark and black. They say Hell is hot, but I think it's ice cold. It's filled with ice cold people. Living in ice cold houses in ice cold streets in big ice cold cities.

But even in ice cold places fire can ignite. There was a flame while I was sitting there, at the river. It chased away the cold. At least, partly. But it was enough to make some of the ice melt.

Did you notice how everything is dual? Like a river that has a left bank and a right bank. And left and right being relative.

Hate and love also is dual. But not relative. It's absolute. So what if you hate and love two of the most important persons in your life? Two absolute truths get mixed up. And they split the person in two. This is not about being schizophrenic but about duality in emotions.

Love what you hate and hate what you love and get hurt no matter how you feel.

[Sweet rage]

Unless it's directed towards yourself. Love and hate. Then you have the recipe to schizophrenia.

[My metamorphosis came at night]

When you hate the love you feel, is it hate still? I have to figure that out. But I do know my hate is as big as my love.

[I'm a slave to myself. I shouldn't be a slave to you. Nor to your allies.]

Start caring. Before it's too late.

[Sweet rage²] ]]> ~Xfreak Cavity http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3662845/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3662845/ Sun, 24 Oct 2004 12:12:55 PDT Mood: dark&tormented :nirvana:
Listening to: Hallucinogen - Twisted
Watching: My Little Eye

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
Peaches - Fuck The Pain Away



Introspective Part 4 - Cavity

There's a cavity in my chest. I think I forgot my heart somewhere. When I listen carefully, I can still here the echo of a vague beating. I have not much time left untill the echo wears out. Still the echo gives me a bit of hope. Maybe someone can give me a donor heart, that takes over the old beat eventually.

I'd go to the dentist for my cavity. But he only has a metal solution. No thank you, my cavity is heavy enough as it is already.

[We all live in a snuff movie]

I consumed all the oxygen in the cavity of my chest. It's vacuum now and it tends to suck in air with a great force. Unfortunately the air is not all oxygen. It's like lungs inhaling water when you're drowning. There's a longing to breathe, be it air or water. Or it's like smoke. It finds its way through your longing lungs, leaving traces, destroying. Then it gets pumped to your head. It makes me float on a sea of desire. It makes my pupils dilate, so my desire can have a better look.

Consumed by desire. Desire to consume. Love is a drug. Or is it love?

I inhale. Try to get your scent in my lungs. The scent I adore so much. But it's not your face anymore. There's someone else. Other face, other scent. Other time...

[Failure 1802 - imprinted in my arm]

The cavity needs to be filled. But this time not by something that sticks. This time I want something volatile, that gives this brief rush and wears out without leaving this emptiness. Or at least not a bigger emptiness than is already present. A touch, a kiss, bodies gliding, pumping hearts and body parts. Dilated pupils meet. Desire connects. The emptiness gets replaced by volatile fluids. And then it wears off. Bodies disconnect. Sheets get cold again.
Where love leaves an emotional low, this will only leave a low in your matrass.

In the end I'll smell traces of the vaporized fluids. And then I will notice the void in my chest again. I'll need something sticky again. Something to weight my mind and my heart.

[Aggravate]

And although some people think otherwise, filling in the void with volatile fluids isn't that easy for me after all. Try to capture smoke by inhaling when you don't have cigarettes.

[Rejection - I rest my case] ]]> ~Xfreak Bang Bang http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3639841/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3639841/ Thu, 21 Oct 2004 04:35:39 PDT Mood: cynical
Listening to: Trancescape - Producelast

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.
Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)

Since I don't have any happy-chemicals, my brain switched to being cynical today. What to do if you can't get what you love and have to accept what you hate? You start to hate what you love and love what you hate. You start to hate the daylight and seek the night that hides away the tears. At night you can cry like an animal to the full moon. 'Coz at the sight of the moon, you'll remember you once loved the sunlight. You contained the pain inside by hating what you loved. But the pain is still in there. It struggles and wants to get out with every memory of the love you once cherished. You don't want to hate the sunlight, but you have to. So you cry at the moon.

[gollem]

Do not indulge in self-pity. Indulge in self-hatred. Hate what you love and contain the pain. This is how self-mutilation starts. I guess.

[sees a shred of sunlight]

Seeing everything in black makes the world more comfortable to the eye. We get rest at night. I need a break from my roller coaster mind.

(Emotional) death is beautiful. ]]> ~Xfreak Chemicals http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3626242/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3626242/ Tue, 19 Oct 2004 11:34:45 PDT Mood: Lonely
Listening to: OST Cruel Intentions

Carve your name into my arm.
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.
Cuz there's nothing else to do,
Every me and every you.
Placebo - Every You Every Me

Sometimes I think we built a world we cannot handle. We hunt ourselves with our expectations, our longings, our duties, our needs. Some people stumble and get left behind. Nobody cares. Or those who care, are only strong enough to help themselves.

Sometimes people feel lonely with all those people around. What they need - love - can only be given by this one special person they search for. Some people have all the friends they need - good, special friends - but they can still feel lonely. Friendship can be strong but just cannot touch inside what love touches. It's frustrating.

What to do with lost love? Love is fuel. What if you run out of fuel to go on? You just sit next to the road and wait? Hope that someone passes by? Reaches for your hand?

Ever had an emotional hangover? You feel slightly numb. Want to cry but cannot. Too tired to smile, to fight. Do we really have to go on? What if we don't want to? Is it an option not wanting to go on? I guess it's not. Which makes it even harder.

Being down is about chemicals in your head. Where are the chemicals to make me happy? Love again?

We just sit next to the road, waiting for the chemicals to kick in... ]]> ~Xfreak Roller Coaster Mind http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3611669/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3611669/ Sun, 17 Oct 2004 14:27:23 PDT Mood: Lost :sadangel:
Listening to: Dario G - Heaven Is Closer (remix)

My mind is a roller coaster. Last weekend I went from manic and hyperactive to sad, down and angry in a matter of minutes. I have the capability of touching the full spectre of human emotions within hours. My heart is on a drift course.

It's hard to have to let someone go when he is in your heart, your mind, your body, your soul. It's even harder when you have too little things to do to get your mind off. It's unbearable when you don't have anything else to hang on to.

And thus my mind became like a roller coaster.

Did you ever notice how love and hate are so close together? Either emotion gets pumped through your body, thickens your blood, blocks your vision and reasonable thought. And so it boosts your creativity.

Emotions can be like drugs. Except that you can not choose to take it.

My mind is a roller coaster. I lost control over my emotions. ]]> ~Xfreak Pageviews http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3500712/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3500712/ Sun, 03 Oct 2004 06:55:28 PDT
"is a deviant since Nov 24, 2003, 11:31 PM
has 1,001 pageviews"

It must be an average of 3 views a day. Not that much but still quite ok I think. I'll just try to be more active and hope I will reach more people that way.

Anyway, thanks everyone for visiting my page and thanks for the comments, watches and favs! Love ya all! ]]> ~Xfreak Cubic http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3322953/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/3322953/ Thu, 09 Sep 2004 05:27:06 PDT
So today I made my first selfportrait. And yes, I know, I'm naked. I have to start somewhere, don't I? :-) Anyway I kinda like the result and hope you like it too... ]]> ~Xfreak Me Myself & I http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/2718973/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/2718973/ Tue, 22 Jun 2004 11:33:01 PDT ~Xfreak Stuck http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/2035677/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/2035677/ Thu, 18 Mar 2004 09:00:52 PST
There are several reasons. Sometimes it has been one cause, another time it has been a combination of issues...

I've had exams, much work to do, meetings, some sort of artistic writer's block, depressions that take all my mental energy, etc...

I really need to get out of all this. Just don't know how... Sometimes I really need to express myself but I just feel empty inside... It sucks. ]]> ~Xfreak Finally! http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1728455/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1728455/ Fri, 23 Jan 2004 09:13:20 PST

I hope to make some more stuff when my exams are over. Oh, and I'm working on a big project. *secret mode* And there will be a moment when I will need several people to help me with it. But I'll contact some people when that moment arrives...

Anyway, I just posted [link]

Enjoy! ]]> ~Xfreak Message to all space artists out there... http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1631875/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1631875/ Mon, 05 Jan 2004 04:59:02 PST [link] ) at the DA forum. Basically it's me wondering why so few space artists make space scenes involving OTHER objects than planets and nebulae...

I really look up to all those great space artists here at DA, but I can't help wondering sometimes why they don't try other kinds of space scenes...

I hope nobody minds my honesty about this... ]]> ~Xfreak Galaxy http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1622402/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1622402/ Sat, 03 Jan 2004 03:21:15 PST [link]

Ok, I posted my first galaxy. It took me a while to figure out a technique and I spent some time looking for tutorials on making galaxies. There aren't many (good) ones out there, but I picked up a technique involving a diamond gradient and enhanced it quite a lot for more realism.

Comments are always welcome! ]]> ~Xfreak 2004 http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1613298/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1613298/ Thu, 01 Jan 2004 10:19:53 PST
Anyway, what I wanted to say concerning my projects: I've done a planet, planet rings and a nebula thus far. Time to try something new and practise the rest. I'm going to try and make a galaxy in Photoshop. I was already considering this when I found this: [link] . It's just gorgeous! I'm inspired by this so I hope I can achieve at least the same level...

I'll post it as soon as it's finished. ]]> ~Xfreak Saturn http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1593923/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1593923/ Sun, 28 Dec 2003 10:08:41 PST
Hope you'll enjoy Rings Of Saturn in the meantime...
[link] ]]> ~Xfreak Space scenes http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1552572/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1552572/ Thu, 18 Dec 2003 14:15:17 PST [link]

Today was my first serious attempt of producing a starfield and a nebula in Photoshop in my own specific way, instead of just following a tutorial. I combined several techniques of tutorials I found here and there, and added my own touch.

Basically, for the starfield, I added noise and reduced the number of "stars" through brightness/contrast settings. Then I duplicated the starfield layer two times and set the duplications to " color burn". I also added clouded masks to the duplicated layers. This way I could play with opacity and fill to regulate the amount of brighter and dimmer stars. I also added a blurred duplication for a very faint background glow.

The nebula layer consisted of only two layers with B/W rendered clouds. I then gave the clouds some color by using hue/saturation > colorize. I only used a small portion of the clouds and magnified that portion to the size of the entire image. The upper layer was set to "color dodge", the lower to normal with fill 20%.

After that I used lens flare to create stars and the comet-like object you can see in the left corner.

I'm going to practice this techniques before I'm going to try a better one (if I can find one). If you want more details on this, let me know!

Comments on my work are always welcome! ]]> ~Xfreak Phoenix in the fridge http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1537210/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1537210/ Mon, 15 Dec 2003 07:23:23 PST

Anyway, I don't know yet what I will do with it, so I'm putting it aside for a while, untill I've got a fresh idea... ]]> ~Xfreak Phoenix http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1524489/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1524489/ Fri, 12 Dec 2003 07:20:52 PST ~Xfreak Ice Age http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1521137/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1521137/ Thu, 11 Dec 2003 14:16:51 PST It really adds to my PS skills!

Anyway, I'm very happy with this. I hope I can make more stuff like this :) ]]> ~Xfreak Despair http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1493838/ http://Xfreak.deviantart.com/journal/1493838/ Fri, 05 Dec 2003 11:29:36 PST ~Xfreak