deviantART: by:ZelfwinAngel

This week in my life

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:29:12 PST

So my external hd took a dump... it'll power up then back down.l. so i have to find a way to get the stuff off... because all my photos and music are on there >.< GAH!!!

in the meantime i'll probably be downloading random photos of the Twilight cast and mess around with them... i like practicing on them so i can see what i'd like to do to my real ones... lmao....

anyway.. so i'm cooking gingerbread men at the moment while still nursing a cold... seriously, it's been over a WEEK!!! wtf immune system! get with it!!!

been crocheting up a storm.. making xmas presents and things to sell when i get my shop going... BTW I STILL NEED A NAME!!!! GAH!!!!

annnd to top it off i lost my laptop... (gran confiscated it). why you ask? because i dont sleep when she wants me to.. yup.. i'm almost 22... anyone need a roommate? plz???? i'll love you forever!!!

Whats in a Name?

=ZelfwinAngel — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:53:41 PST

| My Livejournal | My Goodreads

ahhh just sent in my proof of purchase to get my free Windows 7 upgrade... GAH!!!!! nervous!!

anyway... so i'm trying to think up names for an online store i'm going to create somewhere online... maybe at ArtFire.com, maybe i'll create a blogger account despite my livejournal account.. or maybe, just maybe i'll also create a new DA account as well... so here's where i need your help! help me think up a name for my "store".. something that you could see ME selling from.. it needs to be quirky and fun (hopefully like me lmao).. I'll be selling things that i create by knitting and crocheting as a main start.. but knowing me i'll find my way into other arty-crafty things... so...yeah... help me out!!!

so there's a foot of snow outside.. it's amazing.. i'm snowed in from dance though.. makes me sad... but i got some fun photos of the snow the night it came down just before my camers fell into the snow that is hahahaha...(it's ok btw)

alright back to my random internet prowling

Sometimes.....

=ZelfwinAngel — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 04:33:28 PST

The world just looks so bright... so colourful.... and i can't seem to match... i feel like an old faded black and white photograph forgotten....i need the sunshine once more...

Lost Muse

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:15:29 PST

please come back to me... i have no idea why i'm so uninspired.... i get the want to photoshop, or write.. then i open my photos/ writings and then get bored... someone help? RACHEL COME BACK TO ME!!!! MAKE ME RP!!!

Oh DA

=ZelfwinAngel — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:43:00 PST

how silly this all is... and the members of this website... CHILL OUT!!! so what if they posted a contest rooting for glbt rights?!?! it's THEIR right to!!! also: isnt art supposed to support self expression and all that nonsense? so for you to bash something that expresses freedom, emotion, personal preference when YOU post art expressing the same.. hypocritical!!

/rant

Ah there's this

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:55:02 PST

you're probably wondering what i've gotten myself into lately...

nothing TOO interesting... my show's (42nd Street) over... gearing up for a couple non paid gigs: Nightmare Before Christmas, and a Rockette Christmas number for the show "Spirit of the Season"... i think i uploaded a picture of me doing that a few years ago...

that only this year our costumes are updated!!! i'll def get pictures. AND of Nightmare

i nnneeeeddddd a job. now. pronto. as of yesterday. UGH... fml...

and i need to start photoshopping too... like nowwwwwww.... i'm photoshopping, just not what i NEED to be photoshopping...haha... i'll show you XD

ANYway....can i just say that yoga is amazing? yeeah..cause it is..

I love my friends. they are amazing. you know who you are.

alright... back to my livejournaling and stuffs...

Wake me up

Gah!!!

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:29:04 PDT

i've been so lazy!!! but i also havent had photoshop in a long while... ugh... so it's time for me to really start editing my photos instead of making manips!!! (it's so addicting...) i'm so far behind!!!!! and THEN i have to manip my bestie's wedding photos!! argh... 2 more weeks of the show then i have nothing to do with myself... haha... time to look for money paying jobs!!!!

HALLELUJAH

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:46:50 PDT

So i finally got my new laptop!!! it's an HP set with Vista... no Mac yet, not enough money and i paid $437 for this sucker brand new!!! hella! so be prepared for my photoshopness to re-commence!!! yay for widescreen!!!!!!!!! and also i have a webcam and built in microphone!!! AHHHHH!! i just have to now figure that out...haha

also i'm gonna try to edit video and music...

yesh i'm gonna have fun. lol

all while in an all-time-consuming show!! WOOT!!! and also while dating someone... ahhhhhh...life...

also i need to start looking for another job.. whether it be a show or 9-5... i need one!!!

lots n lots

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:22:10 PDT

hey guys!! so i havent been updating alot lately, and that's because i'm on my laptop again and the screen died. meaning when i hook it up to an external monitor the color is off.. meaning so pics or graphics!! hopefully that will all change on sunday when/ if i get my new laptop!!!!!

life is going..ok.. for the most part.. been seeing ~lafarien once in a while.. we're seeing whats going on.. the show is alright.. i'm in a tight spot with my stage manager though.. think she's angry with me..FOR NO REASON!! omfg... ugh..

alright.. i'm tired and sick..so..i'll talk to you later!

Roll Away The Dew

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 01:29:45 PDT

random questions someone asked my on LJ tonight..

#1. What do you love about Las Vegas?
the only thing good about Vegas in my opinion are the concerts and shows that go there.....

#2. Is there something you don't like about living in Las Vegas?
since i've ever lived there i dont think i'd ever really want to.... i'm really over living in Nevada to be honest..i'm ready for a big city with trees and a BEACH!! (San Francisco?!?!?!?!)

#3. Why do you love Rob Pattinson?
hmm. this is a loaded question.. and it's hard to answer... I love RPattz because he's realy down to earth.. he really just like you and me.. awkward in front of a camera, shy, and just adorable. he seems and looks like this really handsome man that's only a face and could possibly be rude but then he opens his mouth and he's a complete DORK tee hee.. he's a smart, funny, adorkable, and very talented man. i mean he plays guitar and piano, sings, acts.. is British... completely GORGEOUS!! and on top of it all, despite him being mobbed by the papz and fans he's still gracious and sign your autographs and takes pictures with you.

#4. What are your favorite things?
too many things.. uhm... the 60's and 70's, Hippies, Summer of Love, The Grateful Dead, Retro Fashion, British TV, Absolutely Fabulous, Vampires, Twilight Saga, Musicals, Dancing, Singing, Guitar, Piano, Flute, Writing, Music, Nine Inch Nails, Friends, Movies, Art, Reading

i've probably missed a few things...

#5. What's your favorite movie?
are you kidding?!?!?! i have WAY too many.....

Labyrinth, The Man Who Fell To Earth, (basically ALL David Bowie movies), LOTR 1-3, POTC 1-3, Moulin Rouge, Dark Knight, Iron Man, Bad Mother's Handbook, How to Be, Velvet Goldmine, The Doors, Michael, plus thousands more...

VIP

=ZelfwinAngel — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:31:43 PDT

My Journal | TwiFans.Com | My Twitter

wowness...wasnt expecting this at all.. esp from the person who gave it to me...

but i have a 12 month sub to deviantart thanks to my ex hrm..

dont really know what to say at the moment... the shows going great, getting paid to do what i love. and i have this car:

[link]

only more beat up and run down..i plan on fixing it!!!! over the years of course...

Maybe I'm All Messed Up

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 01:27:07 PDT

-----------Â Ã Â A L L | A B O U T | M E Â Ã Â--------------

- Name: Sarah Marissa
- Single or taken: Single
- Sex: Female
- Birthday: March 31
- Sign: Aries
- Hair color: med brown
- Eye color: hazel
- Height: 5'5
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: straight

-----------Â Ã Â F A S H I O N | S T U F F Â Ã Â--------------

- Favorite place to shop for clothes?: Thrift
- Favorite designer? anything vintage really
- What is your sexiest outfit?: hmm..
- What is your most comfortable outfit?: jeans and a t
- What do you usually wear?: Tshirt, jeans, converse

--------------Â Ã Â S P E C I F I C S Â Ã Â -------------------

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Sunsilk
- What are you listening to right now?: Twenty Years - Placebo
- Who is the last person that called you? someone
- How many buddies are online right now? 1

-------------Â Ã Â F A V O U R I T E S Â Ã Â-----------------

- Food: seafood, chinese, japanese, italian
- Girls' names: Charlotte
- Boys' names: Edward, Peter, and some i cant remember
- Subjects in school: Music, Choir, Dance, Photography
- Animals: cats, dogs, horses, chickens, goats

----------------Â Ã Â H A V E | Y O U | E V E R Â Ã Â-------------

- Given anyone a bath?: no
- Smoked?: what
- Bungee jumped?: hell no
- Made yourself throw up?: no
- Skinny dipped?: yes
- Ever been in love?: Yes
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: no doesnt work
- Pictured your crush naked?: yeah
- Actually seen your crush naked?: No
- Cried when someone died?: Yes.
- Lied: Yes.
- Fallen for your best friend?: hmm... in a way
- Rejected someone?: yes
- Used someone?: no
- Done something you regret?: More than once...

------------Â Ã Â C U R R E N T Â Ã Â--------------

- Clothes: jeans, tshirt, sweater
- Desktop picture: rob pattinson
- CD in player: use mp3 player
- DVD in player: Twilight

----------------Â Ã Â L A S T | P E R S O N Â Ã Â----------------------

- You touched: Allison? or was it Ryan? i cant remember
- Hugged: uhh... grandma
- You kissed: hmm
- You IMed: Justin
- Talk to online: Justin
- You sexed it up with: wouldnt YOU like to know?
---------------Â Ã Â A R E | Y O U Â Ã Â---------------------

- Understanding: yeah
- Open-minded: yeah
- Arrogant: no?
- Insecure?: yes due to someone and my parents
- Random?: Yes
- Hungry: like the wolf! XD
- Smart: yes
- Moody: of course
- Organized: no, not at all
- Shy: sometimes
- Difficult: yes
- Bored easily: can be
- Obsessed: yes
- Angry: meh
- Happy: meh
- Hyper: can be
- Trusting: someone ruined that for the new people in my life

------------------Â Ã Â R A N D O M Â Ã Â---------------------

- In the morning I: a bitch.
- Love is: different for everyone and everything
- I dream about: i have nightmares
- Sexual preference: muscled men. not too much muscle. and pretty men like Rob Pattinson..
- What do you notice first in the opposite sex you're into: personality, style, hair, body,

---------------Â Ã Â W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R Â Ã ---------------

- Coke or Pepsi: sprite or dr pepper
- Flowers or candy: Flowers most definitely
- Tall or short: med

---------------Â Ã Â W H O Â Ã Â ---------------

- Makes you laugh the most: justin
- Makes you smile: justin
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: rob pattinson

--------------Â Ã Â D O | Y O U | E V E R Â Ã Â-----------------

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: no cuz they are always on
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: sometimes.. but i'd probably be flaming gay... and dress like Bowie AT ALL TIMES
- Wish you were younger: about 5 years younger. need a do over
- Cry because someone said something to you?: yes. words hurt

-----------Â Ã Â N U M B E R Â Ã Â--------------

- Of times I have had my heart broken: Twice by the same person. really? damn..
- Of guys I've kissed: 8
- Of girls I've kissed: whoever was in Hair with me
- Of CD's I own: own more records than cds
- Of scars on my body: hmm..too ma...

Could it get any better?

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:24:43 PDT

So as you all may have been reading from my journals, life's been pretty shitty kinda...well all that's changed.

1. I'm teaching dance. it's amazing, and freeing.

but the major thing that's happened is i'm now a cast and crew member of the musical 42nd Street!! Its a paying gig and runs for 12 weeks!! WOOT!!!I'm very excited!!!! it's put on by a company thats based out of NYC!! this is my big break!!!

now all i need to do is get my license!! hahahhahahhahahhaahaha....

Life as we know it is over for me!! let's hope this helps me get more gigs!!! this is my first ever professional show!! i'll get as many pics taken as i can and keep updating as this show goes on. i'm gonna be exHAUSted by the time this is over. 8 shows a week for 12 weeks. 96 shows. HOLY HELL!!! YAY!!!!

If you live near me, or want to see a clip of the show go here----> [link]

Wish me luck, this is gonna be a long and hard ride!!

Doesn't Help

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 01:12:20 PDT

1) Are you really ready for 125 questions?
yep

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
yep..but i learned from it i guess...

3) Do you believe in God?
i believe in more than one "being"

4) Who did you say I Love You to last?
My dance teacher.

5) Do you regret it?
nope

6) Have you ever been depressed?
like you wouldnt believe...

7) Have a best friend?
yes i do.

8) Are you a male or female?
Female.

9) What is your relationship status.
single.

10) How do you want to die?
happy. after fulfilling what this vessel was meant to do.

11) What did you last eat?
red velvet cake..ew

12) Play any sports?
no

13) Do you bite your nails?
no

14) Do you have a lot of friends?
small amount that means the world to me

15) Do you have an attitude?
you have to if you're a performer XD

16) Ever been arrested?
nope

17) What is your real name?
Sarah Marissa

19) Are you gonna get drunk later?
nope

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
hah yeah

21) Do you miss someone?
very much so

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
twirl like a ballerina

23) Do you tan a lot?
pffffhhhhh nope. it's like im a vampire XD

24) Have any pets?
many. Bellatrix, Einstein, Deago, Rosie, Merlin, Guinevere, Lightening, Shazaam, and the chickens.

25) How exactly are you feeling?
like my life is a dirty trick.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
yup

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
yes..it's very hot..need more..

29) Are you scared of spiders?
very much so

31) Do you regret anything from your past?
let's not go there

32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Saw Harry Potter 6 tonight

33) Do you want to have kids?
eventually

34) Ever kissed somebody that name starts with an M?
unfortunately. kiss of death.

35) Do you type fast?
yeah

36) Do you have piercings? How many?
No.

37) Want any more?
meh

38) Can you spell well?
i'm a fair speller

40) What are you craving right now?
sex

41) Ever been to a bonfire party ?
Yes

43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
hmm

45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
other way around.

46) Have you ever been cheated on?
yup

47) Have you made a boyfriend/âgirlfriend cry?
he deserved it

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
yes

50) What should you be doing?
Sleeping

51) What's irritating you right now?
too much. need to know basis.

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
yeah.. damn near killed me

53) Does somebody love you?
so they've professed

54) What are your favorite colors?
all.. but predominantly black, green, purple

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
yes

57) Do you have trust issues?
very much so...

59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
lol yah

60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
meh...

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Diana

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
not anymore

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Depends

66) Is this year the best year of your life?
nope

67) What was your childhood nickname?
none

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
no

69) Do you think you're a good person?
i like to think so

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
yes..

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
say goodnight to Justin

72) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life? Who?
;aldkfj

73) What is bothering you?
this was already asked.

74) Have you ever been out of state?
and country!

75) Do you play the Wii?
yep!

Photo Spamness

=ZelfwinAngel — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:44:49 PDT

hey all!!

so i'm actually gonna start uploading my photography. and i'm warning you now, there's alot. pictures from my trip to Europe lat year, my many trips to San Francisco, Dance, you name it. and i tend to take LOADS wherever i go. and i also have pictures from the wedding i shot last weekend. oh yeah. i just can NOT wait to get a Canon SLR camera! cause then i'll be taking WAY more! haha. oh yeesh... and i wont be putting them up in any particular order. so there. LOL! but it will be a slow process. so dont go thinking they'll all be up at once. it'll take me forever cause i'm a lazy sod. haha

Cheers

It is Written

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:11:21 PDT

hmm.. So i'm writing again! a Twilight fanfic.. inspiration hit me at like 3am this morning.. bwahaha no title yet... but i think it's gonna be good.. wrote the outline lastnight (or so.. just some ideas i thought would be interesting to play out.. some very sad ideas...) then started writing the first 2 paragraphs.. Anyone interested in being my beta reader?

Recital last weekend.. omg i'm still so friggin sore!! but my teacher gave me praises that night.. it was a phenominal night really. so much fun!! hopefully my pictures come soon!

now i need to find a job, get my license and get out! blah......>.<

Recital Time

=ZelfwinAngel — Fri, 29 May 2009 16:49:19 PDT

yes all it's down to the wire at the studio.. recitals on the 13th.. but we'll be AWESOME!!!! all my dances are finished!!! so i know i havent been as productive as i'd like to be, but do know i have loads goin on and set up for myself.. i have loads of manips im planning on/ working on atm and LOADS of my own photography to edit and upload... now the question is will i stop being lazy? oh and will i ever get enough time in the pc????? we shall see...got a new pc the other night, HP Vista.. not bad actually cause of the WIIIIIIIIDE Screen monitor.... hellz yeah..have a new man in my life.. his name is Brock... we're arent tooooo serious yet, takin it slow 1. because we're both super busy but willing to work it out 2. getting to know eachother and 3. just bein comfortable.. he's older than me for a change close to 30 and starting up 3 businesses... bwahaha... so i'm teaching private lessons now!!!! makin monies... it's fabulous!!!

St. Stephen With A Rose

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 09 May 2009 22:02:42 PDT

yes i've been offline for a while (my laptop got taken away, but have commendeered my moms hp bwahahaha) so i haven't been able to play WoW... sadness...

in recent news i just sent an @reply to actor Michael Sheen's twitter.. he's going to play Aro in New Moon OH YEAH BABY!!

so i've still been dancing and getting better at teaching. i enjoy it very much, and my teacher says i'm getting really good!! i may have my own class this summer HELLZ YEAH BRING ON THE MONIES!! eheh.. the recital's on the 13th of June... and not all my dances are finished yet WE'LL DO IT I PROMISE!!!!!)

going to go see the Grateful Dead in Mountain View, CA tomorrow, i'm so excited, i haven't seen them since before Jerry Garcia died in '94!!! (i saw them 4 times before that) can't wait!!!

in the love dept? nada, zip, zero. i kinda saw this guy i met at school last year, but haven't heard from him since after our first date... lame... oh well.. *shrug*

i just got done re-reading the whole Twilight series and have to say i got really bored towards the end of Breaking Dawn... i dunno why... but i think i need more after BD, WRITE MORE STEPHENIE!!! and finish Morning Sun while you're at it...

alright... i gotta get ready...

Thoughts after a long day

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:32:58 PDT

i'd love to one day own a dance studio/ photography studio. meaning i'd be a dance photographer, and a dance teacher and a performer. fun, no? we'll see... let's keep slightly grounded, shall we? poli sci degree too? hmm.. yeah that's where i am atm....

so today was the luncheon at my family friends house. it was fun and low key.

the rest of the day i tooled in the interwebs...how boring... i need to lose weight again...

Couple-uh Time-Wasters

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:27:27 PDT

You know you grew up in the 80's if:

[X] 1. You used to buy cassette singlesâ¦ and still have some stashed somewhereâ¦

2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

3. You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."

4. You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name." [I SHOULD know]

[X] 5. You've heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

6. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

[X] 7. Two words: Hammer Pants [YES]

[XX] 8. You watched "Fraggle Rock"

[X] 9. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokies or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect

[XX] 10. You watched "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)

[XXXXXXXXXXXX] 11. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

12. You (your sister, cousins) wore a ponytail on the side of your head. [i dont really remember]

13. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.

14. You know all the words to "ice ice baby". [can't even get past his blasphemus rip of Bowie's "Under Pressure" lick]

15. Poltergeist freaked you out.

16. You ever had a Swatch Watch.

17. L.A. Gear....need I say more? XD

18. You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

[X] 19. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"

20. You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")

21. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.

[XXXX] 22. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

23. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

[XX] 24. Your first Walkman weighed about as much as a brick.[bloody thing still out-works my cd players too!]

[x]25. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence. [only sometimes]

26. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

[XXXXX] 27. You knew "The Artist", when he was humbly called "Prince". [PRINCE FTW!!!]

28. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.

29. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

30. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

[X] 31. You were a Cub Scout, brownie or girl guide but now you have no idea what all the badges you got were for.

[X] 32. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

[X] 33. If you ever said "I pity the fool".

34. You have ever played with a Skip-It or Elastix

[X] 35. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds or Chuck E. Cheese.

[XXXX] 36. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

[X] 37. You remember when cellular phones weighed 15 lbs. and had to be carried over your shoulder.

38. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. [if i'd been fashionable when i was 1...]

39. You wore socks scrunched down

40. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

41. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

[X] 42. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

43. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales

44. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on.

45. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

46. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

47. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

[XXXXXXXXXXX]48. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOUR TO BLAME.. YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME"

[XXXXXXXXXXX] 49. You just sang those words to yourself. [hell yeah!]

50. You have a tendency to turn the collar up on your Polo shirts.

51. Your first computer was a Commodore 64 or an Atari 800.

52. You know what movie the phrase, "Number 5 is alive!" is from.

[X] 53. You played with Legoâs when they were just blocks of various sizes, not any of the special little parts.

54. You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. XD

55. You remember that "Up above the streets and houses,
Rainbow climbing high. Everyone can see it smiling over the sky. Paint the whole world with a rainbow"

[XXXX] 56. You played and or collected "Pogs" [still have all of them too!!]

[X] 57. You used to (and...

Wow, Not Too Shabby

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 16:54:12 PDT

well life's pretty good right now. turned 21 last week and went to san francisco for my bday.. it was amazing!!! teaching's going well, and so are classes. i'm becoming artistic again wanting to make twilight inspired music videos and wallpapers/ icons...i think i might enter that Wacom contest..

playing WoW again.. it's pretty much amazing! lvling a Troll Shaman on Blackwing Lair if anyone wants to join me.. i'm Kahamn..

going to a potluck tomorrow for Easter so that means i'm making Lemon Squares, mum's makin Strawberry-Rhubarb Bety, and Gran's makin Mac n Cheese SoufflÃ©..yup amazing! seeing as i love to cook

Crocheting jewelry pouches.. they're amazing too.. i just need to find more psychedelic thread to make them with... maybe when i go back to San Francisco for the Grateful Dead concert in May i can go to Haight Ashbury again and make a search.. or in Telegraph Hill in Berkeley... i really hope to live in Marin County someday SOON!!!

So I'm Legal!

=ZelfwinAngel — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 02:42:49 PDT

so i haven't been tooling around on here much lately..just to check my messages...and i'm so lazy that i haven't checked the devs page..i'm so sorry everyone!! i dont know whats up with me!

and i also haven't had the inspiration to upload anything... i have a ton of photos from my last trip to San Francisco that i need to upload, and after this next weekend's (my 21st Bday celebration) trip to San Francisco i'll have a TON more!!!! gah!!!!

btw tomorrow's my 21st birthday!!!!!! WOOT!!!!!!

Fuck the Madman

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 02:32:20 PDT

If you married the last person you texted,what would your last name be?
Tachera.... scary, no? more Ironic...

Were you happy when you woke up today?
more nervous...

When were you on the phone last? And with?
technically around 1030 with Mike..but that really wasn't a phone call..so around 630 with gran....

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
yup

What are you excited for this weekend?
bringing me closer to my 21st on tuesday!!!!

Are you scared to fall in love?
now i am...

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
on a different level

Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
Mike

What time is it right this second?
0225

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
uhh...Deago, my husky

Are you single/âtaken/âheartbroken/âconfused?
confused/ it's complicated.

Do you find it hard to trust others?
depends on the person..

Do you care too much/not at all/just enough?
probably too much

How fast does your mood change?
hmm.... probably pretty fast

I bet you miss somebody right now?
good question...well yes, my besties up in WA!

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
no i can't

Do you tell people you're ok when you're really not?
depends on the person, if we're just acquaintances, yes. if you're my bestie, i tell you the truth..mostly they can read me though.

Where were you two hours ago?
on WoW

Tell me what's on your mind?
too much...

Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
do i have to answer this? i'll just say it's in progress...

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
yeah, when i got shot with a water truck!

When did you last talk to your number 1?
dont have one...

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
yep.

Whats your 3rd text say?
phones on my bed...

Have you ever been in love?
yeah.... *sigh*

Who was the last person you texted?
Mike

Do you wanna get married?
of course

How many best friends do you have?
4
and Jen, who's not on here..lmao

ugh

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 02:44:24 PDT

i really need a new id.... that one makes me look bad...but i still like it..LMAO...hmm..

Shh

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 18:12:07 PDT

1. What does your deviantart name mean and why?
long time ago (when i was OVERLY obsessed with Bowie) my friends called me Angel Stardust...then he created my alien race..weird i know... that race was the Zelfwin... thus ZelfwinAngel...i'd love to change it, but..eh..why bother?

2. What fandom were you obsessed with when you joined and what are you into now?
David Bowie. but now? uhh lots of things..but mainly right now the Twilight series

3. How many watchers do you have now?
uhh not sure...

4. Name 3 of your favourite artists on dA.
but seriously, these are only 3 of my faves..i have many more

5. Do you comment, fav, or both?I favorite.
both. sometimes one or the other... depends on how much the piece moves me, then i'll really comment....

6. Do you participate in clubs' contests here on dA?
kinda...not much anymore...

7. What is your most popular deviation?
i think it's "Bowie For President" hahahaha.... my WORST deviation by FAR!

8. What are your favourite non-anime TV shows?
Greys Anatomy and Ghost Whisperer

9. What are the things you wish you could draw better?
everything. seriously..

10. Summer or winter?
both, but i like the warmth of summer so i can wear my hippie tops..

11. Rain or Sun?
both, but only if it's a light shower if i have to be in it. if it's while i'm sleeping please come down hard..it relaxes me...

12. What's your favourite type of music?
pretty uch everything...Broadway, 80's. early 90's, alternative, hippie acid rock..lots...

13. PC or Mac?
MAC!!! i need oneeeee my pc is dying!!!

14. Anime or Manga?
Manga because they make a Labyrinth one...

15. Coke or Pepsi?
coke...although really neither...DR PEPPER!!!!

16. Read or TV?
both..

17. How many hours a day do you spend on DA?
meh not much.. lmao

18. Name a hidden talent.
hmm...good question... i can generally foresee the future...particularly mine..and my closest friends (you know who you are..)

19. Flash or traditional cartoons?
traditional

20. What is your favourite fast food restaurant?
In n Out. definitely

21. What are your top 3 favourite books?
More like series... Twilight, LOTR, and H.P/ The Wings of Merlin Series/ The Earthsea Series come into a tie at 3rd...lmao

22. Wii or Playstation?
either

23. Name 3 of your favourite bands.
Placebo, NIN, Type O Negative, Grateful Dead, Quicksilver Messenger Service, Radiohead, Big Brother and the Holding Company, i mean seriously i have WAY too many...this would go on forever

24. Are you a fast, slow, or medium typer?
depends... sometimes i'm really fast...but if i'm really trying to make sure everything's right, i'm slower...but right now i'm typing pretty fast....

25. Do you like Denny's?
meh... not really

26. What is your favourite emoticon?
hmm.... i'm not sure...

27. What is your favourite type of pie?
hmmm chocolate sundae

28. Have you ever stayed up for 24 hours?
yah

29. Do you go on YouTube a lot?
meh

30. Are you a member on any other sites besides DA?
Youtube, LJ, Plurk, facebook, last.fm, imeem, yelp.com, gaiaonline.com

31. Do you cosplay?
once in a while

32. Fruits or sweets?
both

33. Buttered, plain, or salted popcorn?
many different kinds

34. Have you skipped school?
no

35. Have you been on a plane?
many times

36. Have you swum in an ocean?
yeah and i almost drowned too

37. Have you been ice skating?
love it

38. Favourite vacation spot?
San Francisco

39. Ever been on TV?
maybe

40. Favourite salad dressing?
Asian, or Raspberry Vinaigrette

41. What do you do to relax?
Dance, listen to music, knit, read, escape to my thoughts

42. What is the last film you saw in the theatres?
Confessions of a Shopaholic

43. Favourite Sandwich?
too many..but i'm craving a French Dip at Tommy's Joynt in San Francisco

44. If you could go anywhere in the world...
San Francisco, Paris, Londin..and right now i'd love to se...

I Need My Personal Edward Cullen

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:26:20 PDT

so i'm a little obsessed with the Twilight series right now...but i'm not saying that so you'll think "oh she's crazy and the next thing she says is just from her obsession" because it's not...i've actually made some thoughts...

i need my personal Edward Cullen... no, not the Vampire, but the personality traits... (although i wouldn't mind becoming a vampire for him ) I just need someone that would take care of me, and be there and love me no matter freakin' what. yanno? another thing is that i can actually really relate to Bella's pain in New Moon.... (if you've read it i think you'll understand...) but those are just my thoughts...

anyway, i'm kinda a teacher at my dance studio!! getting credit for my classes, but it's good experience for me. i teach alongside my lead teacher in the class and when she needs to do something, i'm prepared and teach in her stead. it's freakin amazing, i love it.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:21:48 PST

so i just got done reading Twilight...the first book, in two days.... OMG I LOVE IT!!!! i LOVE LOVE LOVE Edward!!!!!!! hehehehehehehe...

anyway, life's been good....not much to write about except that i might be choreographing something for my dance recital for one of the younger tap classes... and my tablet is broken... pressure sensitivity is not working.....

In a life that never was

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:07:38 PST

i would understand my feelings more...my life wouldn't be so unbearably hard....i'd have been more independant AGES ago...everything would be ok. but alas for life in my world it can't ever be.... >.>

/rant

btw i'm really loving the wicked soundtrack...weird i know

Shh...You never saw me...

=ZelfwinAngel — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 00:57:29 PST

yeah so...my pc got taken away last week by my mother...yeah.....i'm almost 21...what gives?!?! ugh...oh well..but i am alive everyone....and i have a partial sketch that i'll try to finish at some point when my parents sleep....could right now but i have other things to update and want to read....yeah i have to hide my pc....i found it...so you never saw me....

1.What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
i dont agree with it...if there's no emotional commitment, feeling or connection there, or even a relationship, then it's immoral..

2. Do you bite your toenails?
ew

3. Are you a jealous person?
yah...

4. What are you allergic to?
broken heart...

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
Lord of the Rings, HP 7

6. Does it get annoying when somebody says they'll call you, but doesn't?
yah...

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Wavy Gravy, Imagine Whirled Peace, One Cheesecake Brownie, Chocolate Marscapone Gelato

8. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest what would you do/say?
apologise and say i'm not interested..

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
god knows at this moment....i'm very confused

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
none

13. What's your favorite TV show, now or in the past?
right now it's Ghost Whisperer...yeah i know...

14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
really depends

15. Can others make you cry easily?
one can...kinda....

16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
Mom

17. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
yah

18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
mostly

19. If you could be any type of fruit what would you be?
a peace because it's sweet on the inside and easily bruised..

20? How old are you?
20.75

21. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
uhh....close to too many

22. What was the last thing to scare you?
dreams and thinking too hard

23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
i really dont know

24. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Smirnoff Raspberry

25. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
summer time...last year...his house....

26. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
yah i realized it after the fact...on multiple accounts too *shudder*

27. What personality trait is a must-have in the preferred sex?
Understanding, caring, FORGIVING

28. Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
well if he was nice...but i wouldn't like them....

30. Have you ever dated someone out of your race?
hmm no

31. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
yah i'm old fashioned

32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
nope

33. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
both...

34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
my own...

35. What is your favorite salad dressing??
asian

36. What movies do you know every line to?
labyrinth, princess bride, cabaret

37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
no...

38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
no

39. When was the last time someone hit on you?
hmm

40. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
both

41. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
no

42. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
oh god i have to choose?

43. How many siblings do you have, and where are you in the rank?
none

44. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
met them at their Bootcamp Graduation after 3 long months....what'd it get me? a broken heart! jlsjdlfjdlfjslkdjfkld

45. When was your last road trip?
couple weekends ago to San Francisco

46. Name 3 schools you went to:
Cottonwood, FIS, FHS

47. Name 5 things in your Purse/pockets/wallet:
Chapstick, Camera, Tick Tacks, Tissues, Water

44. names you go by:
Sarah Marissa

49. Who is in the house with you?
mom, gran, Bella my cat

50. Who are you thinking about right now?
him....

No One Mourns the Wicked

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 01:03:14 PST

so i'm learning to photoshop better and use my tablet better YAY!!!! which hopefully means better coloring of my past line-arts, newer line-arts and just plain MORE ART!!! right? hehehehehehehheh anyway....
so yeah....life's going ok as far as i can tell (now that's pretty sad) and Dancing is really helping. i love it so much and can't believe i ever stopped! blah...so we have a competition at the end of this month and a recital in june..i think...lol...and i'm helping out alot at the studio...god i love it!!!!
life at home is starting to become unbearable...my mother is not knowing how to be a mother....or a daughter...she treats me and my Gran horribly....finally this morning my poor 89 year old gran snapped and got on my mother...needless to say my mother got back at her worse and well neither of them are speaking....but they speak to me....but my mom is horrid to me and talks bad about my gran to me..i hate it...i love my gran and hate to see this happen around and to her and she hates seeing us treated like that too...i mean i love my mum too but it's ridiculous...geez....alright well i'm going to go finish my drawing...

I left my heart in San Francisco

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 12:02:38 PST

so i just got back from 2 days in my favourite place to be: San Francisco. i miss it so much!!!! i had Moroccan food for the first time and i'm obSESSED!!! i LOVE it omgomgomg....i also saw Wicked for the second time...i personally think that the London cast was WAY better but oh well....and i LOVE China Town. omg....amazing foodage and treats and things. AHHH! i took photos so i'll post those asap.....

I've Decided

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 00:07:04 PST

i need new art!! something!!! GAH!!!!! even mere sketches, right? random pics showing i'm not wasting away? maybe even my knitwork?? breadmaking??? jesus this account is shriveling up and dying and it's really sad... i need new stuffs and it WILL happen asap...maybe even tonight i'll hook up my tablet and sketch away....hmm.....

made more bread today, rye bread and it was DIVINE i tell you. DIVINE!!!!!!!!! *insert Invader Zim arm waving insaneness here* could i possibly be finding myself? who knows....i may be tapping into my old weirdness lmao...i miss it actually... college just killed my spirit...he killed my soul....bleh...

ok so i'm off to actually read and sleep...gots an early day, my cat's going to the vet tomorrow and then my grans dr app and then we're yarn shopping and then dance class!!!!! yay!!! tomorrow i get to be a teacher's assistant with my teachers Ballet 1 class!!! ugh little kids, but i only hate teaching them because they have this automatic love for me an like to cling to me... other than that i love kids lmao....

Defeated

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 19:24:24 PST

I've got to try to move on.....he just wants to be friends....oh, sure..fine...whatever....he doesn't love me anymore....i said "why" and he said "..you lied and weren't truthful" and i said "i haven't lied to you in a very long time and i've changed my ways...i'm fixing it all now...i dont know how else to show you.." and he said "well it's hard because i can't see you...let's just be friends"

so that's where i am for now...i have to try to keep truckin as much as possible....i really dont know what to do though.....i know we're meant to be...i really do....if i didn't feel that i wouldn't be so adamant about all this.....am i crazy? tell me if i am....

i just feel like giving up....i want to get away from all of this...but i can't until i can drive and support myself....this is so stupid...i hate it...i hate love...i hate it all...i think i need stronger medication...

oh btw i finished my scarf...pictures at a later date when i feel like dressing up to show it off...

Knitting?

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:28:40 PST

yes folks i am knitting a scarf and i'm actually almost done! heh...i like this knitting thing actually it's fun and gives me something to do...my gran (who's been helping me) says she's gonna teach me harder stuff once this scarf is done and eventually crocheting (which i can't do to save my life lmao)...

so my subscription is gone... and that makes me a sad panda...if i had money i'd totally keep it going but the plan of getting a job has failed...DAMN THIS ECONOMY!!!! *shakes fist* oh well..but i'l probably journal more now..i was lazy editing the html all the time lmao..

been trying to photoshop a little lately and edit a music video of a Bowie Tribute type of thing...funnish lmao...it's complicated and the acquiring of rare Bowie video material isn't easy!!! lmao SEED PEOPLE PLEASE!!! dang torrents lmao...

so as far as life goes...i'm not sure if i'm feeling any better... yeah i'm taking the pills, and i'm doing things to stop thinking about all that has happened...but it's hard to not think about it....because it's still something i know needs to happen..i still feel that he's the one...i know, how pathetic....but it's true...i know i need to live for now and let things happen...but i mean...that's hard. if i told you "this certain thing is supposed to happen to you." would you not then live your life as though this is going to happen regardless? and if i told you "yeah it's gonna happen or has a large possibility of happening but you can't live like it's going to happen." wouldn't that not make sense? UGH!!! yeah i know that was confusing but deal with it. my life is confusing because nothing ever goes well in my life. the past 2.5 years have been a complete failure. yeah i had Hair, and i went to Europe and all that. but everything else: school, grades, things i said i'd do, my health, love: have been a failure.

if i hadn't lived at UNR i wouldn't have put on a facade to act like i was something...for some reason when i moved into the dorms i changed my name to a character i created and ultimately became that character. i became Marissa Shadow. dark, vampiric, emo, goth depressive and FAKE! and then to top it off i started pursuing a degree that i wasn't happy with. that didnt help the depression. so that continued till he broke up with me in 2007. when i got into Hair, i thought "ok i'll be ok i'm healing and all that" bullshit. i added even MORE to my facade. i was covering up the mask with a happy mask! how stupid! so then the shit hit the fan last year when he broke up with me again...and now i realize what happened...i probably should have seen a dr. earlier before the shit hit the fan...but i can't change what happened as much as i wish i could. so now, i'm taking the semester off, dont have a job and am Dancing and Knitting...i feel like a loser...but i know i need to heal...but it doesn't feel like i'm healing or that i'm on the right path to heal...i know dancing is part of the right path...Knitting is fun i enjoy it...but everything else...im not so sure...i'm at home...i hate being here constantly....but it's something i have to deal with till i can get my driver's license...yeah how loserish....

That's Life

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 00:57:21 PST

wow i have a subscription??

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 00:54:06 PST

Strange Days

well this is rather odd! must be like a xmas gift to the nonsubscribers... SCHWEET!!!! anyway... to get that old post out of the way

The Letter A
Are you available?: it's complicated
What is your age?: 20
What annoys you?: not knowing the full situation and when someone doesn't let me get everything out

The Letter B
Do you live in a big house?: yes/ no
When is your birthday?: March
Who is your best friend?: Josh, Di, Jen

The Letter C
What's your favorite candy?: hmm something tart
Who's your crush?: a US Marine
When was the last time you cried?: yesterday

The Letter D
Do you daydream?: yep
What's your favorite kind of dog?: Huskys
What day of the week is it?: since it's 0039 Saturdayy

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs?: many ways
What's the easiest thing ever to do?: cry

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane?: yeah to Paris and back. i hate planes now.
Have you ever used a foghorn?: nope

The Letter G
Do you chew gum?: rarely
Are you a giver or a taker?: both
Do you like gummy candies?: yes.

The Letter H
How are you?: lets not talk right now
What color is your hair?: brown

The Letter I
What's your favorite ice cream?: Wavy Gravy
Have you ever ice skated?: many times
Do you play an instrument?: a few

The Letter J
What's your favorite jelly bean brand?: jelly belly
Do you wear jewelry?: depends is it hippie? yes. from someone special? yes. france? yes.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill?: a few people
Do you want kids?: someday
Where did you go for kindergarten?: cottonwood

The Letter L
Are you laid back?: Not really. Absolute type A here.
Do you lie?: Not if I can help it.

The Letter M
Whats your favorite movie?: too many
Do you still watch Disney movies?: yah
Do you like mangos?: oh yeah

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname?: Angel
What is your real name?: Sarah
What's your favorite number?: 7
Do you prefer night over day?: i like both

The Letter O
What's your one wish?: that he makes me his girl once more
Are you an only child?: oh yeah it sucks

The Letter P
What one fear are you most paranoid about?: being alone forever
What are your pet peeves?: too many
What's a personality trait you look for in people?: Intelligence understanding

The Letter Q
What's your favorite quote?: this is one of many: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." - Kahlil Gibran
Are you quick to judge people?: depending

The Letter R
Do you think you're always right?: no but when i KNOW i'm right i dontback down
Are you one to cry?: very much so..it's annoying

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain?: both
Do you like snow?: yeah
What's your favorite season?: Fall

The Letter T
What time is it?: 0049
What time did you wake up?: 1140?
When was the last time you slept in a tent?: sometime in june...or may...

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear?: yep
Underwear or boxers?: on guys? either

The Letter V
What's the worst veggie?: hmm good question
Where do you want to go on vacation?: where he is

The Letter W
What's your worst habit?: many
Where do you live?: hell
What's your worst fear?: already said

The Letter X
Have you ever had an x-ray?: many
Have you seen the x-games?: No.
Do you own a xylophone?: No.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow?: depends
What's one thing you yearn for?: to be his....

The Letter Z
Whats your zodiac sign?: Aries
Do you believe in the zodiac?: yah
Favorite zoo animal?: dunno

This is the end, beautiful friend

P.S. I Love You

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 01:33:58 PST

can't seem to watch this movie anymore....yeah all i said before holds true....but all those memories.....i thought for the last few days that i really didnt care anymore cause he's been a complete ass to me....yep, i admited it....but you know what, i'm going to become the boss in this little "game" as i'll call it. i'll make him think he's in controll but in reality, i am. i'll just tell him i'm not moving on, but moving foward. living life. i'm not going to keep waiting around for him and make myself sick. i'm going to live life. if he and i get together in the future cool. (all of this of course if he asks why i'm not talking really anymore(usually just talk now if he texts me)) so then when i tell him that hopefully it makes him feel like shit and think "shit, if i dont do something soon i could lose her" if he actually still loves me or whatever...what a punk....>.< it's time i take the reigns girls...(yeah i said that last time and meant it, but seriously!!!!!!!) but i do feel heartless right now....and just uncaring about what happens in my life...i mean i'm allowed it once in a while *gets shoes thrown at her* ok ok.....but seriously......i think it's easier for me right now cause he's out of state and know he can't really do anything because he has no money (the loser spends it on games>.< and can't go out or come home. HA! some justice has been made! only a little though. but to know what he's feeling? nothing...barely calls or texts anymore....probably testing me, but we'll soon learn who's really being tested!

ps. I love you
and i mean it. but right now you're a complete asshole for what you've done for me. you'll never have ANYone better than me or what i gave you. you just threw it away not even thinking about what it would do or what would happen. yeah i know you're in the military and you dont know one day from the next but i'm done giving you that excuse becasue it's a lame excuse. you just were too lazy to work at a relationship. you probably thought "it's too much for me" and just became a pussy. ooh big bad Marine not being able to handle a realtionship at the same time. HA! fool. you'll soon learn, if you haven't already, what you've done.so for now, adieu. talk to you whenever, if you ever feeling like getting your balls back, because i have them.

Sarah Marissa Simons

Bedtime Realisations

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 04:17:14 PST

good lord woman, what have you become? some tragic love story played out in the sitcoms you watch?

as a matter of fact, yes....i have just realized, after watching many Sex and the City episodes tonight, that my "relationship" with Mike is just like Carrie and Big! Mike is my Big...how unfair is that...because how they act, how we act match in some way or another. and look They got back together in the end! am I crazy???

maybe...

but then again, who isn't? find me ONE person that's completely sane. you wont.

my question is, why would they write these sappy love stories in the first place if they WEREN'T based off true life? art imitates life! everything is based off of reality, whatever THAT is cause I hear that we create our own reality.

so what's my point here, you're asking? Why can't my life work for once? why does he have to tell me 'i love you and want to be with you, but now's not the right time." maybe it isn't. but i just know that we belong together. that he is my soul mate. "The One."

so maybe i should get off my ass and make something of myself. make myself irresistible. make myself confident. Work harder at what i am, and who i'm supposed to be. because right now, i have to accept the fact that we're not going to be together for a while. It doesn't make it any easier on the fact that i still love him and would love NOTHING else but to be with him right now, but i have to live on right now. yeah, i may be blowing smoke up my own ass right now, but it's 4 in the morning and i've never made more sense to myself in my life. these are the cards i'm dealt. the rules are plain and simple. no cheating, and no jumping ahead. through hard work comes the reward, right? (who said i couldn't have a little hope, eh?)

so for now, good night. time to leave all cares and worries to tomorrow for when i go home for Christmas break. but right now, i need to sleep, something i haven't had in a long time...

Yet another Dead Day

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:26:49 PST

been studying all day...i'm so tired, i haven't been able to sleep very well the last couple nights....so i've been cramming for my theatre final tomorrow...>.< i'd better do alright on this test...i'd better get an ok grade in this class or else i'm in trouble!!!

then tomorrow night i have my photography final...i'm pretty confident on that except for that i havent written my artist's statement yet...i've started but dont really know what else to say or how to make it flow more....>.< all that jazz...

friday i have my french final, which i hope to do ok on...and then HOPEFULLY that night a NIN concert to go shoot!!!! WOOT!!!! let's hope the promoters let us, i swear to god i'll die if this happens!!!

then i go home...i haven't even packed yet...i've got absolutely no time whatsoever!!!!!

i feel like passing out right now though i know if i do i'll wake up 40 minutes later and wont sleep the rest of the night.....>.<

Dance Series

=ZelfwinAngel — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:58:51 PST

so i actually got something printed tonight! wow...about 4 images...i'll upload them in a few minutes once i dig my usb out of my purse i'm really hoping soon to create a photo print account...but dont really know....dont really know if my stuff would appeal to buyers? you never know plus i could advertise my print account elsewhere...hmm... so i'm liking my new series, even though i've run into a few minor problems, nothing a little editing can't fix i hope you like them. i really think they are my best. well at least the first half of them i'd really like to do more of them...i'm not really great with action shots yet...hopefully soon i'll learn lmao..alright up to uploading what i have so far!!!

Preparation for Pass or Fail

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:13:21 PST

so i just got done editing my photos....no not printing..that's tomorrow..i'm so freaked out right now....>.<

hopefully by next tuesday i'll be ready for it all...i have a french test then so CRAM CRAM CRAM!!! i'll have french coming out my ears..oh and theatre...god still dont know about that one...>.<

oh well...hopefully printing will be better tomorrow....i'm NOT going to get that lame ass computer AGAIN!!! ohhh i hate that thing!!!

Photographic Freakout

=ZelfwinAngel — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:55:21 PST

so tonight i was supposed to print...but the computer i was on (the only one left open) was doing weird shit...like instead of erasing it would burn...or instead of burning is would jitter when the jitter tool was off. FUCK ME!and then i got one to look ok and the printer fucked me over..ON EXPENSIVE PAPER!!!! >.< i'm so pissed and stressed out right ow i cant even breathe....not only do i have this assignment to stress about, i'm failing French and Theatre...and if i fail those completely, i dont go back to school...and i need to....i have to keep going...i'm so literally fucked right now i want to explode, die, disappear...or something...i dont know what to do..i just wish something would go right for once!!!!!

Time of the Season

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 13:59:29 PST

...so my parents are starting decorating for xmas today...and this is the first year without a real tree.. we got a white fake tree.. how horrible?!?! it's so small and wimpy, i can't take it...but they say it's because of my kitten...she'll kill a real tree...

so 1.5 weeks till HELL...meaning finals. ugh..i hope i do well this semester...i just have to do something to prove to everyone i'm not a failure...that i CAN do this...but i'm scared about two classes...French and Theatre...hopefully a miracle will happen....

so now i have to get onto my photography assignment..hopefully i get some amazing prints...wish me luck on that because my mother's yelling at me and both parents are nagging me..i hope i dont explode....

My Whirled

=ZelfwinAngel — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 03:17:01 PST

check it out guys!

[link]

home for thanksgiving

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:04:14 PST

5';95but have no thanks to give....

i miss him so much...he was my everything...

so i've taken a new liking to brie cheese..weirdness...and french class was amazing today...crepes, baguette, cheese, cider, salami...mmmm...best class ever!!!!!

but yeah.....so i have 4 days of hell....except for my new kitten i love her!!! Bellatrix is so cute and rambunctious lol..right now she's attacking whatever is lying around...my sipper, etc... XD

ok..ciao..

Return To Labyrinth Fandom

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 11:29:44 PST

yes everyone..i've begun to love those stupid mangas...i read the second one last night and loved it becasue it was so corny... and because in certain parts they'd put random crap like a ziggy costume or rolling stones lyrics or what have you..and now i can't wait for the third one to come out in may...omg...so yeah...i figured i'd come clean...

To Him

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 00:52:23 PST

I'm Still Loving You - The Scorpions
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Time, it needs time
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can bring back your love someday
I will be there, I will be there

I'll fight, babe, I'll fight
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can break down the wall someday
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again
I'm loving you

Try, baby try
To trust in my love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, our love
Just shouldn't be thrown away
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know
What you've been through
You should give me a chance
This can't be the end
I'm still loving you
I'm still loving you, I need your love
I'm still loving you

title

=ZelfwinAngel — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 16:10:01 PST

he says he wants to be friends...

we had a looong talk about what had happened between us and agreed...

he said that if we're meant to be we will..

i asked him to give us another chance...he hasn't gotten back to me yet...he's with him friends..i'll give him time...

Broken Semper FI

=ZelfwinAngel — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:11:10 PST

he broke up with me...end of story..

MOS Sucks

=ZelfwinAngel — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:27:40 PST

so he's at MOS now in North Carolina...

The bad thing is:
1. he called his parents and not me and i know his phone is on
2. i dont really know how long he'll be gone. either 10 or 59 days
3. i dont know his schedule or when he has liberty

i'm just freaking out....but like all my friends say, i need to:
1. give him space
2.live my life and do things for me till he gets back
3. dont dwell on him

so....so far i haven't heard back from that dentist's office i applied to for a job.this means a mean search for a job. and i mean a grueling one. i need a job!! and my license. and i know my bestie Di will kick my ass if i dont! she's tough man, but it's a good thing to have a tough friend that'll kick your ass into gear when needed.

btw, i love my friends. they are amazing. you know who you are! and just know, i'm here for you as well! i just love having friends that you know are life friends, ones you'll practically have through everything..

i'm actually not freaking out that bad today...i think i'm finally just getting used to him being gone, not calling all the time...blah blah...dont ask dont tell..i have to learn to trust...thats huge for me...i'm so stuck on him, i love him so much. and i know he loves me, i should just learn to trust!!!!

not knowing what to feel...

=ZelfwinAngel — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 23:12:33 PST

i just dont know how to feel right now...so many conflicting things from him...i know he loves me...but then he says "i dont want kids anymore" or "i'm gonna live with my parents for a while" or other things like that..it scares me deeply...and it makes me sick to my stomach..i haven't eaten all day....

Scratch Discs from HELL

=ZelfwinAngel — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:35:03 PST

so i'd love to photoshop some things, but unfortunately i have no room on my pc for ANYTHING. nothing. and it sucks. i'd delete some music, but i kinda need it. i'd delete the programmes i have but i need them too. argh i'm so utterly fucked i can't believe it. oh well..i'll find something to delete. maybe my old sociology papers or something lmao...from 2 years ago..oh yeah i'm special...