http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:alexiana&section=today deviantART RSS for by:alexiana en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:30:12 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/25157393/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/25157393/ Sat, 06 Jun 2009 07:59:22 PDT ), and all the people who come and shoot with me (Carms, Trin , Tsokolate ), etc. So thanks guys!

Second, if anybody's actually interested, here's where you can see more of me:

[link] (new official "public" blog)
[link] (uhm. haha. random short stuff i have to say)

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/22164814/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/22164814/ Wed, 24 Dec 2008 11:41:27 PST ) And take this time to THANK YOU ALL for all of your support these years. Really, thanks so much to all of you. I've learned a lot from dA and have been exposed to many an amazing artist on this site. So thank you very much. Oh and thanks for the 4,000 views! Go have yourselves some merry little Christmases.

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/17221146/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/17221146/ Fri, 07 Mar 2008 07:58:59 PST And my memory's gone to shit.
And I'm excited but nervous for stuff.
Ahhh!



Daaaazed.

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/16550005/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/16550005/ Thu, 24 Jan 2008 11:21:46 PST
And even though they changed the setting...
And even though it was a chick book and thus a chick FLICK...
And even though it had some differences...
And even though they took out roles...
INTEGRAL ROLES IN THE BOOK...




...THE MOVIE WORKED.

After all, you can't ask someone to incorporate every single subplot from a book into a movie, or the movie could very well never reach a conclusion.

In all the right ways it still...
...knocked the wind out of me
...drained me of any will to argue (I guess in a good way --> It was humbling).
...made me cry the entire time
and...hit me with its best shot.


I don't know how to feel now in the aftermath. It's like what she said at the end, "It's been a year and I don't feel him anymore." It's like my head hurts, and my eyes hurt from all the crying but whatcanyoudo? What can you do...? Walking forward is all I know now. It's the only way.



I should have told you when I had the chance.
I'm sorry.

PS. I love you.

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/16089306/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/16089306/ Tue, 25 Dec 2007 06:24:51 PST


This Christmas has been spectacular so far. I had my moments, of course, but it was a good time in general. I have such a great family, and such great friends. I'm glad for it. I got a lot of great gifts this year but by far the best gift I got is my brand new Sigma DC 18 - 200 mm lens (with the optical stabilizer feature on it). It's wide-angle, and it has a hood, and is absolutely beautiful and probably cost more than my Nikon D40 - or so my aunt keeps telling me. I am so thrilled with it. Hopefully the shots I take with it from now on will do it justice. No more using dusty old lenses or waiting for my friend to return my kit lens. I have a brand new wonderful toy. Btw, I named it Sega.

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/15996578/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/15996578/ Wed, 19 Dec 2007 06:41:46 PST <3


There are reasons to be happy. I have them. Tonight. I really have them.

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/15914449/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/15914449/ Thu, 13 Dec 2007 08:24:32 PST
Who would have ever thought reading PS I LOVE YOU could be so lethal? Not nearly as lethal as Tiffanie's GOD-SHAPED HOLE. Nonetheless, lethal.


Je t'aime, mon cherie...à jamais.


Every time I remember
All I can think about is forgetting
Still, every time I forget
All I want to do is remember.

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/15099793/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/15099793/ Wed, 17 Oct 2007 10:28:57 PDT I can die happy.

♥

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/12598216/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/12598216/ Sat, 14 Apr 2007 21:23:14 PDT all over my sketchbook. MY SKETCHBOOK. my latest drawing is ruined and I don't know how to fix it just yet. I'll fixed it for sure. I just don't know how. I'm mad. FUCK. I know it was an accident but WHAT THE FUCK...

]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/6174819/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/6174819/ Tue, 09 Aug 2005 02:22:15 PDT oh well. Hehe. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4552157/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4552157/ Fri, 11 Feb 2005 07:08:14 PST
A weeklong vacation at the beach – without a computer…
A broken telephone line yet to be fixed…
A month long camp out of outsiders’ reach…
More practices for your Hairspray…
More modeling shows…

…and then you’ll be back online…
…back on the phone…
…the phone will ring and I will lift it and answer and hear you on the other end…

Well, at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

My mind makes excuses to fulfill this disbelief I’m in. I don’t believe you’re really gone. And even if I do, I don’t want to acknowledge it.

I need you. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4434513/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4434513/ Fri, 28 Jan 2005 22:49:04 PST eople&v=56">people read this. So I feel safe in noting that I've written something not everyone will read, still, out there, someone's reading...and wondering maybe. What's going on in the life of Ahhhlex!!! ...? Well A LOT would be a start but we won't get into details here. I just need a space where I could type the words I write to keep myself at bay. I could launch myself out the window right now if things get any worse. Too bad my windows are grilled. Grilled windows. I'm glad my room's big. Otherwise I'd feel like I was stuck in a prison cell. I know it isn't the end of the world yet but that doesn't stop me thinking that this roof could fall on top of me at any given moment and catch me totally off-guard. I'll be squashed. I know it's almost falling. I could see the cracks in the ceiling.

Drama and I go well together. Drama likes to find me. I don't like to overreact but sometimes I guess I get confused with how much I COULD TAKE of this soap opera story. I gravitate to eople&v=56">people who're intense, and I suppose that could contribute to my own intensity but frankly I don't care. I gravitate to eople&v=56">people out of the superficial norm. They may not look it but they are one of a kind. Those I'm close to are artists, writers, eople& v=56">people who feel things with more passion, see things with more fire...it's just different. (if you're reading this you're most probably one of those people)

Do I make sense?

I'd say that I'm trying hard not to be heavy but I do that so much during the week I forget it's okay to be just a little bit sad. Then when I'm sad, I forget it's okay to be just a little bit happy. What's this anyway? Why can't it be that one thing is right? Why can't this just work the way it should?

In truth I'd like to say that everything I've been on about is babble from my feelings and my messy thoughts. Babble because in my heart and head I'm drifting off to places I'm not even sure of. In my heart and head I'm in Europe. France. Anywhere. In my heart and head I'm absolutely, positively terrified.

He has no hope. But he has a prayer. Hear him, God. Hear us all.


----

C'est la vie... ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4390928/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4390928/ Sun, 23 Jan 2005 04:59:15 PST Without you I fall.


Every day seems just a little too sarcastic for me. Forced smiles and everyone's always walking on egg shells. I can't deny that I'm depressed ... or well, if not, then I'm sad and terrified. Go figure. But I still know how to act happy - thank god for naiveties. Fuck.

I miss you.
If this goes down...damnit...

Will you know me when you see me when we're both spirits in the sky? If this ends like a star gone out...well, light-years away we'll still be shining...falling in saline sheets of rain, if you are to go: there's no sweet suicide. Just bittersweet tears of candid goodbyes. FOR NOW AND FOREVER: YOU ARE MY LIFE.


CURRENTS:
Music: A Lack of Color
Mood: Worry, Envy, epression&v=56"> Depression, Fear, Desperation, Okay-ness, Hopefulness, Love
Book: A Walk to Remember <--- Yah I'm fucking with myself. I'm torturing myself. It's a good book so I don't care that it fucking hurts.
Movie: Moulin Rouge <--- <3
Latest Trend: Being jealous *they have it easier, trying to have faith, camwhoring, crying, fake laughter and mood swings
Song (of the Week): Come What May ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4205327/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4205327/ Fri, 31 Dec 2004 18:35:39 PST
Just keep hoping. Just keep hoping.

I love you.



I wanna hear you say it.



Oh yah. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THE REST OF YOU! Rock on! ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4097049/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4097049/ Sat, 18 Dec 2004 17:10:46 PST after all we'd all be alright...right?..... WRONG!!!! I was fucking wrong. I should've just stuck to worrying. I hate irony. I finally decided to surrender...and this is what happens. You're throwing away everything that we've all worked hard for with you. You're throwing away everything you ever wanted before. The person on the other line wasn't you anymore. It was someone else in your skin. I want to pull you out from being lost inside yourself but you've pushed me away.


So now there's just this empty space.
An empty heart and broken dreams that are scattered all over the blood-stained floor.
And after all this...you're still love. < 3



Other news...I want to go to KC's mass today. I'll ask my parents - but I think they went to simbang gabi. I was supposed to go but I was still up at 2. I didn't know we were supposed to go.

Oh well.

I'll talk to my parents about KC's mass.


There are some people whom I need to speak to at the moment. Where are you guys? I need you guys.

I would die tonight to see your face. I would die tonight to feel your grace. YOUR GRACE. How can I open up all your love? I've come to see you... - Noise Ratchet ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4089586/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4089586/ Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:22:08 PST No matter how long it takes.

I'm not going to leave your side.


PS Thanks for remembering yesterday. That came as a real surprise. Sweet. And it was nice to text you again after the longest time. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4070135/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4070135/ Wed, 15 Dec 2004 00:35:52 PST (no kidding). I'm going down with you, just to haul you back up again. I'm not going anywhere. I'm NEVER going to give up on you. Giving up on you. Would be giving up on myself. It would be giving up on life and everything about it. I'm not going to do that. There's too much ahead of us. Too many dreams. Too many good things. I'm not giving up on you. EVER. You could count on me to always be there to pick you up each time you fall. "Best friends means .. .. If we go down, we go down together." ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4054996/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4054996/ Mon, 13 Dec 2004 04:12:21 PST
Example:
Life itself has got you high on air for a blissful 7 days...on the final day of the week, the day starts beautifully...then ends with the sound of shattering glass, broken doors, and landslides of emotion.

Why do the good people always get hurt?

I know that things will somehow pan out. But I don't want to jinx or pre-empt anything. So...Once again I find myself calling out to something greater than what I find on earth. It's beyond my power from this fucking landfill. But perhaps the heavens could change the pain. Remember? "All you have to say is I love you....and I'm fine." Well I want to have that chance to say it. I want you to be fine...but I can't. Cos of THEM...

I watch you struggle everyday. I share your every pain...I do. You said we were psychic last year. December 2003. When we were just getting close. So don't be surprised that every burden you have on that back of yours, I too carry. The same way that you make my hurts disappear...I help you carry yours/make them disappear.

Connected forever. I'll never give up on you. NEVER. They could give up on you. But I won't. They already have damnit. And you just keep forgiving them. But I won't give up on you. I won't abandon you. They could try to make me. But I'll stick around no matter what they do. I won't stop fighting them until they give up. This is what's right and I know it. This is what's real. What do they know? With them, after every fight comes another bout of tears and broken voices, dreams and hearts. With us, it's different.

There's one thing that scares me though. I'm not one to grudge. And I've never hated anyone before. But suddenly they're on the top of the Most Wanted list in my head. And I hate them. I hate them for hurting you. And I hate them for acting like they know me and acting like they know what we go through and know how we feel. Cause they don't. No matter what, they don't. Everyone feels differently - no matter how similar the situation may be. BESIDES! Our situation isn't similar. So who are they to tell us what to think? Or say? Or feel? ...fuck them!

For once, God, let them get off our backs. For once let us live the way WE want to...the way we need to. In each other's arms...

I'm praying for that day.
Come on...

I think by now we deserve it.
YES. I know we don't deserve anything really. And that everything's a blessing from God.

But really...this is one thing, I know I need and I know we deserve.
Please.
I have faith.



]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4033444/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4033444/ Fri, 10 Dec 2004 17:56:58 PST ANYWAY

check it out --> DevArt emoticons are the best! ...butterflies, roses, angels and stars hold special places in my heart...


SCENE ONE:
Girl: *is humming a song and singing the lyrics in her head* I am a butterfly...
Boy: *appears out of nowhere "in Girl's doorway"* I spy a butterfly. *note: he didn't hear the "i am a butterfly" cos it was only in Girl's head*
Girl: *looks up to see him and smiles* What?
Boy: *gives girl a look, smiles, shakes his head* Nothing...
Girl: I was just singing, *sings*I am a butterfly*sings*, in my head!
Boy: Yah?!
Both: *laugh* Cool.



SCENE TWO:
Boy: *is on the plane leaving "his life" behind...moving away...turns to his brother "Boy2"* Dude...
Boy2: What? *opens eyes...had been trying to sleep before Boy bugged him*
Boy: *looks out window of plane and tries to see if there are stars in the sky* There aren't any stars in the sky...
Boy2: ...so...? *curious look*
Boy: I know why...
Boy2: Why?
Boy: They don't want me to wish. They don't want me to wish I was back there with her.




SCENE THREE:
Boy: *reciting from an essay he wrote: the last paragraph of it*...I picked the rose over the gun. And when I opened my eyes the real rose *smiles at Girl* was standing next to me and took my hand. *takes Girl's hand*
Girl: *blushes*
Boy: *smiles* then we walked together...and when it was night...my rose became my star *looks up at the sky, then back down at Girl* shining on me from far away...lighting my way in the dark. *kisses Girl and when they pull away stars to sing Bryan Adams' song:* Everybody wants an answer...everybody needs a break...we all need a shining star when things get hard to take...



SCENE FOUR:
Boy: *looks at girl* I love you.
Girl: I love you too...
Boy: I meant it when we broke up for those few days...I meant it...
Girl: meant what? *looks at Boy*
Boy: I meant it when I said, *looks at Girl* that you're my angel. You watch over me. You save me. Wouldn't be alive now without you. You changed me...I think...the Big Guy *smiles*...gave you to me for a reason. To save me.



I'd write more. Hehehe.



But I'm sleepy.
Hahaha.

See ya.

"There's nothing I can taste that compares to you, nothing I can say that's quite as true...as the gift you are...I confess...I wanna dream you a beautiful dream, I wanna hold you in the dark so it seems, no one loves me like you do, and no one moves the way you move..." - JFK (abb.... ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4033425/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4033425/ Fri, 10 Dec 2004 08:24:38 PST

Got through Bio and CLE today.

[/] Lit
[/] Grammar
[/] Biology
[/] CLE
[ ] Math
[ ] History
[ ] Filipino

Oh boy...stress factor's all the way ^up there^.

I'm thankful for Sega. (Sage, Sega, Phillipe, Phill, Superman , Peter, MyMichael, Garage Band King, etc ---> when will I ever run out of nicknames for you?!?! Hahaha) I was feeling tired and insecure a while ago. Then he messages me, "Hey!" on Yahoo. Not very big, I know. But I was thinking of him. And I'd missed him. And he was invisible so it was a pleasant surprise (as always) to just see the window pop up out of nowhere not knowing he'd been online in the first place. He likes to do that to me. Message me when he's invisible at the least expected moment (like when I assume he's SLEEPING) and it's always something like, "hey!" or "BOO! *ahh!!!*" hahaha. And I still can't get over what he did on Sunday. SWEET... (He isn't reading this! Haha. Damn!) Man...that guy is my garage band king, my... (HAHAHA! *inside joke*)...my guy. Aww...hehe. I miss him. Why does the world have to be cruel and put us on two different continents facing two different oceans??? ...I love that guy.

10 in 7!! Hahaha. *claps* *proud*



Hehehe. Alex is happy today.

Why?

1) I went shopping and bought one Lacoste shirt and one new T-shirt with really cute print...having to do with the Beatles
2) I ate two poptarts for lunch (the chocochip kind)...just two pieces...and I haven't eaten since 5.30. I intend to keep my diet. Hehehe.
3) I went bargain shopping for the first time in forever...(and I realized that: a) I suck at bargain shopping...I just pay whatever price for whatever I want hehehe, stupid me; b) I can't stand stinky tight crowds that push; c) I'm allergic to stinky, tight places where eople&v=56">people push you around --> I get rashes from the dust and heat; and, d) it's like being a foreigner in your own country when you bargain shop ...if you speak good English or if you dont have a Filipino accent, they'll bring up the price by 100 or so...damnit.)
4) I had Cookie Crisps cereal for dinner (at 5.15)
5) Mom said she'll pay for part of this gift I have to buy. Haha. Yay!
6) Tomorrow I'm going shopping for boxers. Going to hit the bazaars. *claps* Or go to Aya's house or something...before heading to the Schnabel Christmas Party. Wuhoo!
7) *love*

...Right now I'm fixing the arrangement of my Star Wars collection. Hahaha. I love Star Wars!!! Damn.... ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4024719/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/4024719/ Thu, 09 Dec 2004 05:55:33 PST
Simple: I'm done.

Hahaha.

YES!

I NEVER FINISH THIS EARLY. I normally start at like 7. Hehehe. *sheepish grin* I never feel this...OKAY about this stuff. I feel rested. I don't feel completely, utterly ready like I know every tiny detail but I feel like I know it well enough not to totally bomb. I studied Biology from 1 pm sharp (right after watching CSI: Miami) to 5:30 pm...then I had my dinner...and proceeded to review CLE for about two hours...then there you have it.

I'll review again at 10:00. I expect to sleep at...well I'm not sure. It's A Simple Life: The Reuinion and I want to watch it but that would mean leaving this chair. And I'm comfortable here. (As always). And anyway, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie SERIOUSLY get on my nerves after watching them for over 30 minutes. So I guess it's alright to miss them. Not missing much anyway. ALTHOUGH...I'm not really the soap opera type but The OC holds a place in my weekly routine now. Along with One Tree Hill. Somehow The OC makes me feel like this generation makes sense together. And One Tree Hill makes me feel warm and light. Nathan (of One Tree Hill) is deathly sweet with Hayley. I love him to bits in that show because in the beginning he's an ass but he turns out to be this really GREAT GUY in the end (*ehem* I know what that's like...heh, heh...)...well, newsflash: My guy is sweeter.

Hehe. Anyway...I'm excited for exams to end.
Funny cos the only ones we're done with so far are Lit and Grammar. I'm anxious for Math. Like, I'm on the edge of my seat. I have to work, work, work my ass off this weekend studying for Math and History. I guess I'm a little lax about Grammar, Lit and Filipino. Grammar --> Miss Cabanez is tooooo nice. Lit --> it's long but easy. Filipino --> Miss Lanuza's toooo nice too, just a little less than Miss Cabanez. History...Miss Baylon gives scary tests. *AHH!!!* Bio --> the fuckin Bio Lab part scares the shit out of me. 30 whole points of stuff I never bother to understand, really. Parts of a microscope...that's all I'm bothering with. Objective lenses, base, arm, neck, diaphragm, etc. hehehe. *nervous* Math --> well I got line of 7 *my first and hopefully last ever* in the card last term and I feel really bad about that. yes. I practically failed. So it's the pits. And I really wanna do well. UT2 the ratio to those who failed and passed was 7:5 (7 failed:5 passed). Amazing. Well, I passed (thank god)...I passed both UT1 (got the passing score though) and UT2 (got like 3 above the passing score but it's okay cos I got a point below the highest in class) and I only have two quizzes that aren't 20/20 (that's my 13/15 and my 18/20) hehehe. So I BETTER bring my grade up this term. God knows how hard I've been working on Math.

*sigh* at the moment...I'm waiting for someone. but I'll have to go offline at 10. So I doubt I'll catch *you. I don't want to push it using the computer. My dad's being generous (as always) because Mom isn't home. He's always like this when mom's not home. Lets me stay up past bedtime/use the computer more than the alotted hours. Hehehe. Love you, Papa! I think he understands me more than Mom. Even though he doesn't hug me...ever. I think he understands me. He seems to get me in a silent way. He doesn't say anything but he gives in to what he knows I want and need.... most of the time anyway. Hehe. But you know, when my dad's pushed over the top he ends up...flying...rabid...terrifying. hehe. Yah.

Anyway, uhm I'm bored so I'm writing a lot. I already emailed Sega a while ago. So I don't want to do that a second time. Hehe. I drew today and yesterday but the drawings aren't complete. I'll scan and post some time soon but not right now. It's exam week. I think I could only post pictures. Hahaha. And that's funny cos I kind of suck at photography. Haha. Oh well! It's fine. I'll get better (someday?). HAHAHA! *wishful thinking* Haha. Whatever I'll just practice. Just like I'll practice my drawing so I could improve. Hehehe. *excited* And my writing.

My mom bought me new drawing pens and a new sketchpad *grins* haha I'm happy with the stuff. But I want Pilot V5's next time. These ones I have now aren't Pilots. Haha. Still sign pens but not Pilots and not Schneiders. Sadly. I love Schneider and Pilot and (haha fun) MyGel. Haha. They write beautifully. Oh well this'll do. I'm happy. Been writing a lot.

I'll go review now.
Catch ya'll later. hahaha. "ya'll" http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3989354/ Sat, 04 Dec 2004 17:45:49 PST
I need a cigg.



(And I don't smoke.) ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3984530/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3984530/ Sat, 04 Dec 2004 02:07:44 PST
Must relax.

Will relax.





TRUST.
IS.
IMPORTANT. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3968524/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3968524/ Wed, 01 Dec 2004 22:17:02 PST WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE??? I am not hungry. Hahaha.


^^COWBOY!!! HAHAHA! ...okay lame inside joke haha

<---that's me today. Random. Hahaha.

Damnit I'm so freaking bored. I feel bad for whoever gets hurt by the storm. I hope it's not going to be that awful.

Today will be spent at home. Grr. Mom thinks I should study. Studying in advance doesn't work for me. Mostly because I lose focus easily. It just really doesn't work. So stop forcing me! What is with people forcing me to do things they THINK are good for me but just really...don't make sense to me? Well, my mom does that anyway. I guess it's HER JOB to "know" what's good for me. But still. I feel so suffocated by her! Oh well. I won't get into that. My relationship with my mom is turbulent. And my close friends know exactly why. They know the inner, deepest reasons. If you're curious just ask. ---> nyahaha. kidding. but if you are just ask. Maybe I'll answer.

So anyway...today's been okay so far and yesterday was cool. I'm bored now and thinking of playing around with my drumpad in a while since my stupid guitars are busted. RARRRRR. Fuck busted guitars. AHH!!! Hehe. I want my Ibanez RG/Ibanez GSA60! Hmph. *chants*RG! RG! RG!...

But nope...nobody wants to get me one. "Waste". TSCH. SO NOT A WASTE. Hmph.

ANYWAY I'll stop being weird hahaha. I'm so bored!! ARGH. Going to start on the CLE comic strip project. But to do that. I want to use Adobe photoshop to fine tune the drawings a do make. So...it may be a while before I could get started.

Later on I'm going to Rockwell for a short while to buy some more art materials.

And now for the weirdest part of this entry:


To YOU: Hehe...maybe there is a change...I don't know. Maybe you're trying...yah I guess so. But I don't feel it. It feels like nothing's changed. You call me your best friend but it all stays the same. Sorry. I know you've been fighting to listen to what I have to say. But somehow you just don't hear me. So right now...I don't know anymore. Talk to you soon, okay? Maybe when you understand the meaning of the words "best friend"...you'll get it. You'll get why I'm so hurt by you. Thing is...you have the nerve to act like you're the one who's always stuck having to put up with the rest of the world. When I think...it's the other way around. I'm sorry. You really are my friend. But...sometimes...you just don't know what it's like to be a friend despite how many people are friends to you. We all feel underappreciated. Maybe it's cos you want a guy. And we're just your best girl friends. Well sorry we don't fit the cut of hot and sweet and someone who could be your boyfriend...your lover. Sorry that you're jealous some of us have boys. But that's no excuse for the way you treat us like you're the only one alive. <---That's all we are to you those nights when you feel lonely and we offer you a shoulder to cry on. You're never alone. But you act like you are. I guess we all like drama and the spotlight sometimes. Keeps life interesting. But somehow you take it all to a new level. Sorry. But I just had to say that. Talk to you when things pan out...and when what I have to say isn't so "gross" to you anymore.

^^Sorry about that, guys. If you guys read this. Sorry. Haha. But I'm just really hurt by this friend of mine. So...yah. Hehehe. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3961761/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3961761/ Wed, 01 Dec 2004 05:12:39 PST ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3953060/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3953060/ Tue, 30 Nov 2004 02:33:33 PST
So right now I'm thinking of going down to play some piano. My brother and sister are fighting outside. They're yelling and kicking and screaming. Oh boy here we go. My brother's being a brat. And my sister's being a baby. Great. Haha.

I'm trying to be in GOOD SPIRITS today.

Today:
------- They left this morning...that was too short a vaca, guys!!
++ No more tests!!!!!!
+++ I think I passed the Math test. (Which is a big thing for me haha)
---- I'm tired cos I slept at 3 am (and woke up at 6) doing the fuckin proj
+ I passed the Bio test (if that's actually any consolation)
--- The Filipino test sucked ass
+++++ No homework today
++ I have this really cool err "gift" from a friend of mine that makes me happy when I look at it (it's a collage of ictures&v=56">pictures of friends and stuff)
++ The temp today's not so warm.
+++ Got to spend time with Schnae today
---- My bro and sis are fighting outside my room and they're so loud it's annoying.

...and so on...

Hahaha.

You know what? I'm looking at these entries and thinking, "errr...." and raising my eyebrow at myself. I dunno. I sound like such an...I dunno...EMO KID...I guess. Well that's how my friend put it. I don't really wanna be branded as an EMO kid. I don't even think I am. Haha. Just sometimes I get a little...okay nevermind. Haha. Man...I wanted a cigarette yesterday. That's how bad I felt. I wanted a cigarette. I've never even tried. But my cousin was offering. It took so much to say no. I was so stressed and sad and pissed. Oh well. I feel better today thanks to, mah twin!!!! THANK YOU!!! (for the collage and for everything else, YOU ROCK!!! Mah Twin: Oi! Your best friend's online! (referring to this girl we're on notgoodterms with who used to be really close to me and friends with her hahaha) Me: Who? You? Yah dude, I know you're online. Mah Twin: HAHA! AWWWWWWWWWW! *tear* I'M SOOOO TOUCHED!!!! ALEX, YOU ARE *sniff* THEE *sniff*tear* COOLEST FRIEND EVER!!!! --> HAHA! Whatever. Viva la aliens. Haha.

Could you tell I'm bored?
I can't seem to draw anything DECENT. I've been WRITING more. Haha. Yup guess I'll be posting more of my poems here then. Haha. COOL!


"What I would give to simply open my door and see your smiling face." - Sugarbomb ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3942838/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3942838/ Sun, 28 Nov 2004 20:22:16 PST Note to Self:
Remember not to speak too soon.



Okay. So what's up today? I think I've forgiven *you once again. Has it gotten to such a point that I'm so used to pushing away every fucked up thing you do to me, that I don't care anymore? Whatever. Hurt me. But don't hurt the ones I love. I'm kind of upset I forgave you again. Why? Because I let you push me around and that's stupid. I woke up with no thought really whatsoever, of confronting you any longer. BUT I can...I will...I SHOULD. It's come to a point wherein even though you call me your best friend, I feel utterly disrespected by you. And that's something I don't appreciate. At the moment, I just want you to wake up and stop thinking about your own self for once. There are other people in this world. Other people who feel...who care...who need things...etc.

You're not the only living thing. Stop treating us like inanimate objects...


On a much lighter note I feel some sort of hope today. But I'm not sure about it. I don't want my hopes to soar only to come crashing down. "You're afraid to find out all the hope that you've sent into the sky by now has crashed..."

I'm ditching a lot of things today for one moment I'm not even sure exists. I hope it does though. Then again, where does hope get you? Does it get you places? I mean, it MUST, right? Still...how could I continue believing something like this? I'm begging YOU (yes, You, Big Guy Up In the Sky, God, My Father, OUR FATHER...)...I'm BEGGING YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY. I want this. I need this. GIVE ME STRENGTH...and give me this one chance to see the world within one perfect second. All I'm asking is a minute worth of my dreams. And I'll be content and die happy. Really. That is the supertruth.

Luckily today, I'm not vibing negative energy. Which is a good thing. I won't pull myself down or be a cynic or a pessimist. But I'm not going to shoot myself up to the heavens just to be brought down to hell, if you know what I mean. Forget hoping too much, forget not hoping. Just hope enough.

I'm trying to be balanced today. I'm trying to DESERVE what I want....NEED. Come on...after all this time...I think it's only FAIR. I may not DESERVE IT. But it's only FAIR. That's all I'm asking. Please. Please. Please. Thirty Seconds. One minute. Thirty Seconds. TEN SECONDS. Two mins. Five mins. Ten mins. The whole day. AN hour. Two hours. Four seconds. FIVE SECONDS. Any time you want to give me. ONE SECOND EVEN. One second of my dream come true is enough to make me the happiest person in the universe.

Now the only problem is contacting the one person who could totally give me a hand in all this...FUCK BEING GROUNDED AND HAVING NO CREDIT OR NO CELPHONE...

Hehe.

I love you, God. Please work with me? With us? With ALL OF US?

The other day I was mad at the world. Then I realized how stupid that is. Why be mad at the world? The world never made promises it didn't keep. Then I was mad at God. Well I don't deserve anything God gave me. So I shouldn't be complaining. Then...I was mad at *her...and I may have forgiven her. But something in me is never going to forget it this time. This time around was too much. Now I'm pining for him. Let's see what happens. Okay?

Bonjour. J'emapelle Alex. Je suis un Juliet moderne de jour. "Quelque part hors là-bas en dessous de la lumière pâle de lune, quelqu'un pensant de moi et m'aimant ce soir."

Kailangan kita. Nasaan ka ba? Diyos, sandali nalang...maaari bang pagbigyan? ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3935842/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3935842/ Sat, 27 Nov 2004 23:26:37 PST love and star-crossed dreams...Romeo and Juliet Revived--> That's the story of my life...



...oh my god. I got excited just now. Hehehe. Something good. Something good. Is this good? PLEASE?!?!?! Hehehe. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3922893/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3922893/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 08:33:23 PST
A couple of months ago I did a paper for a friend's brother (yah his assignment but I did it) on Max Scheler's Philosophy of Suffering. I remember every teaching and somehow, it doesn't strike me like it did before. Now even when I try to rationalize with it, I'm still angry and confused and I dunno but I feel betrayed by the whole sacrifice-suffering philosophy.

Why is it always the good ones who get hurt? <---in reference to a friend, not myself hehe


Only a few good things happened today.

The rest just left me hurt, hanging, pained, annoyed, mad, mad, mad, mad, infuriated, pissed, selfish, mad, mad, mad, mad, aggravated, negative...etc...

I'm trying to be optimistic though, okay?!


Friend: You're too optimistic.
Me: Well as long as there's a chance. There's still hope. It's not totally hopeless if there's a chance. Even if it's a small chance. At least it's there. I'm just choosing to look on the bright side.
Friend: Well you're on your own there. I feel hopeless.
Me: Then I'll hope for the both of us.


"Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption..." - DC


I'll hope for the both of us.
Someone's got to...


"I know now you're my only hope." - A Walk to Remember/Mandy Moore



I didn't know that being so close could take me so far away from you. I didn’t know it would hurt this much to know you’re finally this near…


Life is sooo screwed up sometimes. :S

I guess I'm just mad tonight. Mad in general. Just really mad. Mad at everything. 8. EIGHT. I said...8. I'm mad also because of other things. Just so mad. So mad. ARGH. SO MANY THINGS TO BE PISSED AT. My LJ's not working is the most shallow haha. The rest aren't shallow at all anymore. A friend is treating me like a nobody even tho she claims we're best buds. A friend's having a BAD mood swing. According to my parents, it's my fault everyone's always agitated in my house. According to my parents, EVERYTHING is my fault. My sister's a little fuck. A little bitch. I HATE HER FUCKING UGLY ASS GUTS RIGHT NOW. She's...so...annoying. I hate her. Bitch. I get an impt msg...she reads it...then she doesnt tell me about it. BITCH BITCH BITCH. It's mostly her fault I...
ARGH. And I hate plans being changed WITHOUT BEING TOLD. Just altered plans and nothing. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate a lot of things right now. The WORLD might as well be on that list. A lot of things happened to me today that made me mad. I'm glad there was some sort of cheer up point when my friend played the drums for me (even tho that was short lived cos right after...more shit happened). Haaay. I'm so maaad.



Please? You know I'm begging You. You know I need it. You know I'm giving in to You. It's all in Your power. It's all in Your hands. I have no choice in this. Just to pray and pray and hope and hope. Please. You know what I need. You know this is something I just...really have to have.


And in case you're worried...don't worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'm just sad, mad, angry, disappointed, unsure, hurt...I dunno. Name it all. I'm all the negative feelings in the world. At the moment. I'm shining of negative energy. I'm sure my aura must be all black.

Peace out
I'd better go before I BLOW UP...

I'm sleepy I hardly slept last night.
Night!
-Alex ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3882484/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3882484/ Sat, 20 Nov 2004 23:09:45 PST [/] Grammar short story
[/] History Ching Dynasty Flow Chart
[ ] History Comic Strip (group)
[/] History Ad Letter (pairing)
[/] Lit scrapbook
[ ] History Anime
[ ] Filipino song (group)


YES!!!!





Rock on! Almost through with my stuff. ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3875898/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3875898/ Sat, 20 Nov 2004 03:04:36 PST

---

Yah. Feeling just a little dramatic over here. Hehe. Sorry.

I'm feeling a lot of things at the same time. Jimmy Eat World, the Ataris, and Something Corporate seem to have that effect on me. Here's to you, Jim (Jimmy). Here's to you, Andrew (SoCo). I've been feeling like a million good things. And a million disasters all at once.

...*sigh*...I lost my pen! My beloved pen! Haha. Where for art thou, PEN?! It's killing me that I've lost it because it's the perfect drawing pen. And I was really doing well using it. The pen made me feel good! Now I have to use my other drawing pen. The silver Schneider one. Which I'd prefer not to for now because it's so thick it smudges. DAMNIT. *sigh again* Hahaha. What a shallow thing to feel bad over. A pen. But still. It was the best pen. Later tonight, I want to go to Rockwell, and buy four of the same pen...and for once not lose any. Wish me some luck. Haha. I'll probably need it. I lose all my pens all the time, unless they're like...my Mont Blanc ones...which I can't even use for drawing anyway. Haha. Lame.

Anyway, did I ever mention I love stars? And butterflies?

Stars...make me melt. And butterflies...make me want to know how it feels to be that beautiful and make me want to know how it feels to fly.



Was just thinking...because of this song...and because of my drawing.

I'm happy. Papa's scanning more of my drawings later. YAY!!!

Uh-oh. Art craze once more. Here we go again. Hahaha.

Anyway, I'll go now.



School To-Do List:
[/] Grammar short story
[/] History Ching Dynasty Flow Chart
[ ] History Comic Strip (group)
[/] History Ad Letter (pairing)
[ ] Lit scrapbook
[ ] History Anime
[ ] Filipino song (group)


Congratulate me. In exactly one hour I will be doing the Lit scrapbook for real. I've already started with the basic layout. Yay!

Hehe.



"Did your stars finally explode? Did the thunder blow you underneath the haze?" - Something Corporate ]]> ~alexiana http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3873321/ http://alexiana.deviantart.com/journal/3873321/ Fri, 19 Nov 2004 18:09:30 PST
Projects the school gave out:

[/] Grammar short story
[ ] History Ching Dynasty Flow Chart
[ ] History Comic Strip (group)
[/] History Ad Letter (pairing)
[ ] Lit scrapbook
[ ] History Anime
[ ] Filipino song (group)

Today, what I will be doing is...
4 hours on Lit
and 2 hours on the History Ching Dynasty Flow Chart.

Hopefully I finish those today so that tomorrow all I have to do is the Anime. Then I'll just work with my groupmates on Monday or something. On Monday we're going to some university to have a DNA workshop. I can't wait because I want to be a genetic engineer. (Yah. I want to be...a genetic engineer + painter/artist in her free time. Haha...I also want to get married and have 3 kids.)

Okay I'll go get my projects done now. So that I could continue my latest drawing. ]]> ~alexiana