http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:amassparadox&section=today deviantART RSS for by:amassparadox en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:36:05 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/28350172/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/28350172/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 09:51:21 PST
First relationship, first trying to believe, trying to trust. First getting broken up. First time dealing with the emotional drama that I had always considered pointless, idiotic, and avoided in childlike fear. Possibly it was love.

Finding out my grandfather had cancer. Watching him wither away and forgetting us all, one by one. Having to be the responsible one, pretending everything is alright, because I cannot fall apart. Returning to childhood days, having to be strong, because there would be no one to catch me, because more often than not parents were more childlike than I.

Because if I fell, would there be anyone to catch me? To find me before I fall beyond repair?

He passed away about two months ago. I have set my desktop to a photo of my cousins and I with our grandfather, to remind me that it did indeed happen. That I cannot keep running, keep pretending.

And during this time, I felt my creativity being stoppered. As if if I had let it go, if I had allowed the creative juices to enter my body I would have exploded out of control, into a frenzy, a mess of outlets. Because I did not want to be real, did not want to feel, did not want to touch the raw nerve endings, the fuses so close to blowing. I was afraid that if I got close to my self I could spin out of control and suddenly make an irreconcilable decision. Suddenly self-destruct. So its been awhile.

Strange time that was. As if I had forgotten how it was to be me.

For I am only ever truly myself when I am creating.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/25171569/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/25171569/ Sun, 07 Jun 2009 00:55:44 PDT We breathe, we bleed,
We hurt, we divert,
Our attentions to the mundane
To distract from the question
of the how, the why, the when.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/23245419/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/23245419/ Mon, 16 Feb 2009 23:12:17 PST Come come, see what you have brought around
Wrought upon this world, your world
These plains of gold, of myrrh and of bold
Seeking fame, fortune, and rectitude
Or not,
As goals not often in alignments fall
Casting us as wanderers upon its beck and call
Journeying like vagabounds through these halls
These open plains, maybe, hedgebound mazes
A maze, amaze the mind in complexity about
To unfold, perhaps leading onwards, towards
Some fantastic ending
So strike a toast, call for a roast,
To happy endings
Winter's ending
So turn up the heat, for flames' burning
Round and round, we go, entreating
Never retreating, though if forward
Was backward, would it not be so?
The end then is not an end, but
Should it be a beginning, a distinction of such...
Brevity
So fleeting, is the start of things, that perhaps
They are no such thing, but
A break point
Assigned at random, by an overwhelmed
Journeyman, oh, do you see?
Your path is neverending? What you seek
Never to appear, as long as the question remains
Unclear, undefined, and you cast about
Round and round, life unresolved
Winters end, but beginnings are few and far to be found
When their foundations are questionably potentially profound
----------

I need to incorporate within my self-schedule time for creative releases. To be perfectly honest, that is the most likely reason as to why I feel so antsy all the time and cannot seem to calm down. Unfortunately there just always seems to be too much to do, too much sacrifice. Who am I? What am I? The questions are welling up again. This semester I am taking all quantitative classes. I had forgotten that one of the nice things about certain humanities courses was that it keeps part of that part of my mind occupied. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I feel preoccupied, unresolved, an unsolved mystery.

Well, we'll see, but here is one goal. At least two separate updates per week (meaning that multiple uploads on a single day only counts as one, unless there are a lot of uploads). If not then either a lengthy poem or an outlined song. I don't like that I am setting creative goals for myself, but I don't/I can't be myself unless I allow myself to create, but I also cannot afford to allow myself to dwell within that state. A state of constant creativity. I wonder what that would be like.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/22189864/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/22189864/ Thu, 25 Dec 2008 12:04:02 PST Hanging above the door
By nature, a parasite
In literature, an auspicious site
For romance, warmth, and holiday delights
Yet in truth, which story holds the floor
The original intent or the well-rounded lore
Of Chrismastime amore and more.

I meant to have a more happy poem for the holidays, but hey, at least its properly themed?

I would write something more, but today is not an output day. So Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I wish everyone a very Happy Holiday.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/21291894/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/21291894/ Sun, 02 Nov 2008 21:47:24 PST
Since I currently have no time to do as much personal inquiries for some time, I'll just leave this here as a reminder to take it back up again in December.

So onto the second half of the subject line. NaNoWriMo = National Novel Writing Month and I have decided to participate! I am really excited about this project, though I fear it may take over my life on several levels. I have not really been here for some time (to be more precise, just a little under two months). For the last two months I have been fairly exhausted working on the voter registration effort at my school and now that that has finally come to a close and I could take a breather, I am jumping immediately into this month long... adventure.

For the few people I actually correspond with through deviantart, I'll be back in December...

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/20919332/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/20919332/ Fri, 10 Oct 2008 11:05:38 PDT

Going on retreat with my choir to the Marin Headlands this weekend, to be exact immediately after my lab ends today. Really, I don't think I could live without music. I think I feel more relaxed and I allow myself to be the most true to myself when I am doing music.

I have been feeling happy lately. At the same time it frightens me a bit, because to be also implicates a "to not be." I hope I won't have to deal with that eventuality, but I can't help feeling withdrawn and cautious as if it could slip away at any time. On the down side, my efficiency and efficacy this semester still has not been recovered from my summer hiatus from my academics and seeing as I have two midterms and a paper for next week, this need to be remedied... now.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/20307271/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/20307271/ Wed, 03 Sep 2008 12:48:16 PDT
Oh, yes. Or teleportation so I can get to everywhere I need to be instantaneously, thus eliminating the need to factor in travel time.

School started for me last exactly a week ago and in the last two weeks I have changed my schedule upwards of a dozen times. I have added and dropped around 10-12 classes, been waitlisted gotten un-waitlisted, still waitlisted, and I have finally been able to set my schedule for the most part today. The sad thing is, I'm one of the lucky ones. A girl from my department in the student government is still waitlisted for all five of her classes and one of my other close friends has over half of her schedule up in the air and is currently (officially) not enrolled as a full time student. I am still waitlisted for my Chinese class which I signed up for in the first phase of registration and I dropped a few classes that I felt I would never get off the waitlist. My current schedule includes classes that wasn't even on list of classes for the backup of the backup of the backup of my original schedule that I needed/wanted.

In conclusion, the budget cuts to education and their impact on schools have gotten ridiculous.

On another note, I have not been doing anything artistic for awhile. Except designing graphics for my department in the ASUC. I was looking back on some of my old writings and it makes me sad that there haven't been as many continuations as I had originally wanted. It does not help that I have classes at 8 or 9 and then club, rehearsal, or staff meetings most of the time between 4-9. I ended up staying up until 3 am last night doing my chinese homework (its sort of funny and a bit sad that I need three different dictionaries to do it, a chinese to english, an english to chinese, and a phonetic one, because I can speak but not really write) and I should really be doing my homework now before the meeting at 1:30...

I wish I could... have more time.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/19162276/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/19162276/ Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:30:13 PDT
"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him...
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."
-Pearl Buck-

Above is currently my favorite quote. To end on a lighter note, in a week I get to go back to school for a conference. XP
**and for some reason, deviantart still won't let me change my mood...

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/18974623/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/18974623/ Sat, 21 Jun 2008 22:29:44 PDT
As if I have been running all this time and I've suddenly stopped. And looking around, I don't like what I see. Perhaps I am still running away.

On a more positive note, I will probably be posting more regularly or in bursts throughout this summer. I am hopefully going to either be going to a conference in Europe or traveling abroad and then to two additional conferences. In between those, I have an internship with the most highly targeted congressional campaign in the county (according to the NY times recently) and I'm helping organize my county's youth commission... And then I get to go back to school in mid-August. Joy.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/18358355/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/18358355/ Fri, 16 May 2008 21:10:00 PDT
Instead of much needed study, I decided to upload a bunch of pictures. I hadn't actually planned on putting these up. I've had them for awhile, but I generally don't like pictures of myself, I don't feel that I am particularly photogenic... hence why they're only up because I thought the editing on them were interesting.

So, I've already turned in my take home essay for my Poli Sci seminar and I just took my Math final today. So... two more to go, only problem is I actually need to study for these two. I haven't done reading/paid attention to my history class for over five weeks and I think less than .5% of my physics class actually has a good handle of what is going on. Over half of the people that showed up to today's review session walked out before it ended, because they couldn't understand what was going on and decided it was pointless to remain and get even more stressed out. I should be studying, but I just can't... I'm still in a weird post-final mood.

Two more to go... and then I have to move out and then come back the next day to leave for a brief tour with my choir and then I go home and start my internship the next day... I think I like to torture myself?


AHHHHHH!!!! I HATE FINALS!!!!

On another note... as soon as they're over, I'll have completed my first year of college! yay!

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/17545046/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/17545046/ Thu, 27 Mar 2008 16:46:45 PDT My head reels, swimming
In a glass jar of something
Time and again, nothing
Comes out of this turning
The whole world laughing
At the pointless wrapping
Of nothing hiding something

Time and again
The beginning is the end, as
the end is the beginning.
And the world that is neverending,
is also neverchanging.

--------

On spring break!! yay! And not looking forward to going back to school. So, just found out that I have midterms to look forward to. Even though I'm away from school, I'm already freaking out about it. Still around a week or two behind in all my classes.... arghh. Physics and math are no joke and I think I'm just never going to get caught up on my readings for my history course. Just have to get through these next few weeks... again. I feel like that is the mantra of my life.

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/15686003/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/15686003/ Mon, 26 Nov 2007 20:43:52 PST
After class today, I came back to take a nap because I've been staying up a lot lately. Laying there I started thinking about what I have done so far in college. Looking at things at face value, it seems as if I have done a lot. It appears as if I am becoming well-adjusted. However inside, I know better than anyone that I am just running away from my question. I am filling my time with activities, clubs, and classes so that I can put off the question of what I want and who I am with a I'm busy. Now is when many things can be set, when the tracks for the future is laid down in terms of what I will be and the person I will become. The problem is that I really don't know the answers to my questions. Yet to stand still is the same as drawing the doors close yourself, but to ran wildly all over the map is inefficient and highly exhausting.

In high school, my goal was clear. I could ignore the questions of who I was and what I wanted for the short-term quest for collegiate admissions. I created a game. Let's see how I can do better than everyone else. Let's see if I can become the President of a club. Let's if I can create this image of a confident, dependable, intelligent person who everyone likes. But that game ended and the self I have created for myself is no more certain of her wants and desires than the pre-game self. I guess I like myself somewhat better than before, but that self is built upon the different facets of my game. My identity determined by what grades I got, the organizations I lead, and the friends I had made. It might be easier to simply continue to don on this skin, to allow this version of myself to permanently attach itself to me, to bury into my psyche and lose myself within this particular game. Lose myself in this game and ignore the very real questions of my identity and my desires, to keep on running.

So what to do, what to do. The one thing that I do know is that I don't want to keep running. Don't want to invent a new game of beat the curve or be the leader. After all once inside the game, it becomes hard to tell apart the fabrication from reality to the point where one could live many years, many decades within a self-imposed structure and never realize it until one day far down the road when the rusting joints buckle and their whole world collapses. I don't want that. But what to do, what to do. When everyone plays one game or another?

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/15478393/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/15478393/ Mon, 12 Nov 2007 12:16:57 PST Confounding sentences deter me
from sleep and all that is good,
Essay due Friday? Midterm Tuesday?
Never before has the power of words
Held more salience,
These immaterial constructs, these -ologies,
Cast as dark a shadow, upon my body
Sending this haze of lethargy, deep
Into my every limb, blinding
My sight, blending day and night,
The distinction of awake and sleep,
Lost in the confusion of dreams,
Day and night, words drift, numbers shift
Through and through, proportionalities
Becoming the most important part of any identity
Rationality substituted by sheer exhaustion,
Until the bubbling on the scantron blur into
A murkiness,
This pencil, stabbing points randomly
In this darkness,
Cast as deep a shadow, as to
Create in its heavy fabric a black hole
Sucking me in, stretching me apart
Its gravitational disparities making spaghetti
Of my mental processes, theology and philosophy,
The common basis to humanity and reality,
Falling, tearing apart at the event horizon
of this college thing.

-------
So, I've been in college for awhile now. Been through the exquisite torture of midterms and papers often back to back. I have stayed out past 6am (astro lab), stayed up to about 5am writing a paper (and getting up at 9 the next morning to write the conclusion), and seen my fair share of the vast quantities of alcohol and libidities of those under the influence (though I have not actually partaken much in the drinking myself). So, all in all, the college experience has been interesting, however... I often find myself wallowing in a pool of dissatisfaction. School is actually interesting now, yes. But it is also hard, which is something I am not accustomed to, and I have so little time if any for myself. And there's the question of identity.

Up to this point, there was a shell of expectations, grown from years of going to the same schools with the same general group of people, that I could slip into every day. Now, that shell is loosely binding or completely negligible. I don't know who to be. I don't know what I should be/do. Everyone tells me that college is about finding yourself, that you're only a first year, you have more than enough time. I have everything but time.

I have a theory. My theory about skills/talents/intelligence is that each is the result of time investment. Intelligence is a bit hazy, however people can appear to be smart by knowing many things through the investment of time in studying. An artist becomes good through spending time observing other art and their surroundings and then practicing. Likewise, a musician must practice his art of sounds, a poet - the art of words, a debator - the art of rhetoric. Therefore, every person must make a choice about what he or she wants to be good at. They must make choices in how much and where to devote their time. One could devote 100% to academics and take a shot at the Ivies or split it 50/50 between art and school and be above average but not brilliant at each. Or one could take a scatter-shot approach and try to split their time towards a bit of everything and be well-versed though average at a bit of everything. As a result, one becomes whoever they are through a series of decisions over their time appropriation.

I feel the same is true of college. I could double major and be good but not great in two fields. I could do one major and try to excel purely in that one field. Either way, my mental processes, my future life will be determined by my current decisions. I could acquiesce higher grades for extracurriculars, club involvement, internships, or research. I could focus on my grades or focus on developing and cultivating connections and relationships that may or may not serve me well in the future. It would be great to be able to do everything, however I believe I have arrived at my limit. I can no longer try to just do everything as I did up through high school. The marginal cost of a difference of time given to one category in relation to another is just to great and the possible repercussions too much.

Part of it comes down the fact that I am not quite sure who I am or who I wish to be. Up to now, it was simplified. The question still existed, but it could be pushed to the sidelines for the moment as we all rushed towards the goal: college acceptance. Now that I am sitting in the goal itself, the forward direction is no longer clearly delineated. There is so much I want to do. I want to volunteer, be a mentor, intern, do research, compete in debate or model UN, join the ASUC, lead a club, start a movement or organization. But I also know that grades really matter now, I can no longer conclusively assume that I can maintain an A/B while slacking of... ]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/13727727/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/13727727/ Sat, 14 Jul 2007 01:08:14 PDT

]]> ~amassparadox http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/13422046/ http://amassparadox.deviantart.com/journal/13422046/ Wed, 20 Jun 2007 16:22:27 PDT [link]. I would really appreciate any feedback you have so yea.

]]> ~amassparadox