http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:ami-kintshu&section=today deviantART RSS for by:ami-kintshu en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:03:52 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/28204195/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/28204195/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:25:03 PST
Of course that is not all I speak of. It has been a very busy month quite frankly. I have had a visitor every single weekend of October, with one exception in the middle of the month. Which is good ya know, but at the same time, kind of not. The first weekend I had three friends come up here, Julie, Danny and Jay courtesy of his van. The next weekend my mom came up and we went to the quarter horse congress and we got free tickets to the PBR (professional Bull Riding) with purchase of new Ariot boots, which I desperately needed. What's funny about this is my mom started watching the PBR on T.V. when I went to college and there was nothing good on during the writers strike.... and she's really into it now. She knew who all the cowboys were and even some of the bulls and man... was she excited. It was pretty fun and cool to watch honestly. The following weekend was the only weekend nobody came and visited that month, wasn't very interesting. The next weekend my mom came to visit me again and this time we went to the Circleville Pumpkin Festival. It was really fun and I have pictures, I love hanging out with my mom. Finally the last weekend, the weekend of Halloween. I hosted another pumpkin carving party at my apartment with lots of food and movies again. Then the next day Jay came to visit me on Halloween. This weekend I'm alone. Its both good and bad. I need to be alone so I can work better, but being alone is also, well... lonely.

I guess what I realized at the end of last weekend is that I am very homesick. It hit me so suddenly. Sometimes it's just so hard that I'm not sure how much more i can take. Like a pathetic child all I want is to come home and forget it all. Go back to my life, the life where I work and ride and can be completely myself. Sometimes... I don't know, even sanctuary seems to be tainted with a different kind of curse. Bad summer, where am I really at home? It all just hurts and resort to just calling my mom and crying to her on the phone. Well that was last week, this is this week and I am going home finally next weekend. The reason's aren't to great, Hank has been having on and off lameness issues. The vet is coming in on Friday to give him x-rays. Lately he hasn't appeared off, but he is also on bute currently (horsie advil). My mom is going to take him off a few days before I'm home and I am going to ride him on the Thursday when I come home and maybe even Friday before the vet comes, because they asked us to. I must thank Carly for watching after my boy and whipping him to shape when he is being a jerk.

Although I am very worried about Hank I am so happy to be going home. I want to see him so bad, I am itching so bad to ride him again. He has been giving Danielle a hard time and I want to kick his ass and kiss him at the same time. Gawd I miss the jerk. Amber and I worked it out so that we can come home together. ^^ I am so happy in the way of relief. I miss my home so much so that dreamed we were leaving this weekend. It's been two months. I dunno how A.J. does it, only someone like her could.

One of the reasons I know i just need to get away from here is one of my classes and the teacher in it. I'm not sure, but two weeks ago I got the feeling that she thinks I can't draw. That really disturbed me even more then I thought. I thought I was okay, but after my class as I walked back it consumed my mind no matter how much I tried to drone it out with happy music. I came home and all I could bring myself to do was sleep even though for once I had gotten a full nights rest. I slept for many hour... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/27311228/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/27311228/ Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:11:40 PDT
One was going to this school. And I question it everyday. I'm so unsure about my life and my career and if I'll make it in the real world. What happened to my motivation and my will. I just don't understand. I don't think I realized at the time what I was doing. I'm just so god damn scared.

One of the few I can think of was Hank. I was so afraid of him at first and I hated him so fucking much. That god damn horse and I fought so hard and i just wanted to send him back! But I didn't, I rose to that challenge. That was one of the few successes of my life and god dammit it was probably one of the last times I felt truly alive. When I really think about it that whole journey changed who I was as a person. I was so antisocial before that, so integrated and so god damn depressed before Hank came along and brought me back again. But now... I'm just afraid again, even in my riding. God dammit I'm sorry Hank.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time because I finally see. It's so stupid really. hahaha. yea. it is. I should have noticed how easy it was for me to be with Mike. Because it was so fucking safe. Yea, cause I never fell in love with him. How stupid. But it was hard to break up with him once I realized I wasn't going to fall in love with him. I'm so fucking sorry Mike. But now it hurts a lot. Yea being safe makes me sick. It makes me sick inside. SIck. Fucking sick.

I'm even to fucking scared to tell the horrible truth when it stares me right in the face. I was so afraid, that my mind played a trick on me. It went right into straight up denial and I didn't even see it. I made up reasons for how it could be not what I thought it was... well I was holding the stupid bottle in my hand. What an idiot and I was to afraid to admit the truth and I covered a lie for a week. C'mon now. Get with it. There is no excuse for that one, your an adult now.

The only secrets I've kept are the same secrets about myself that nobody knows. Those are my only real secrets. Cause I can't be honest with my self inside. All the rest is just unspoken, has not been confronted.

I'm so afraid of what everyone else is going to think of me. And I'm so afraid people are going to disown me. It's already happened once, twice, three times.... more... even recently and I didn't stop it. Because I was to scared to fight for it. I just felt like it would be safer to give up, but it still hurts. I wanta defend myself and what I believe and the people I care about, but really I am just to scared too. What the fuck. I'm so afraid of losing the people who are so important to me. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Yes. I'm to scared to do it. I'm sorry I'm such a coward guys.

I'm too scared to be honest with my own feelings.

I am to scared to really put myself out there. How do I get over this? Please I don't want to live this way. Gawd... I'm sorry, it just hit me. If you want to know why I'm upset? Please don't worry nothing has happened. And I mean it NOTHING. I just realized something, I actually have been realizing it for about the last week and a half. Yea that's it. Just this last week.

That's all this is, an internal epiphany about myself that made me finally understand how most of my actions are based on my fears. And I'm to scared to say what my epiphany was. Figures... right?

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/27178882/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/27178882/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:57:49 PDT
Lets see... last weekend I went home, I got to ride Hank two days. I saw Carly with my mom and we caught up. Went to Amber's party which was a BLAST! Hung out with Julie and Jay after. Worked on the shelf and showed it to Jay. Saw Ish and Carson before I left. Oh and I was given something to hang onto. Something very special. Got soaked two times, before I left and after I got back in Cbus.... the second time I really got drenched. Oh also got the first Bleach movie and the first two seasons of The Office.

Onto my stories... so Thursday was my good friend Kaite B.'s 21st Birthday! Yay! Well anyways Kaitlan, Pei and Simone had planned her a party for that night and all were going to make A+ dishes for her. I took them to the store.... but Katie was so good to me last year that I had to do something for her too. I don't cook, but I attempted to make these little bread appetizers my dad always makes for holidays. People thought they were pretty good, of course they didn't compare to Simone's dip or Pei's homemade ice cream cake. Awwww welll... lot more people came then expected and we had a Disney Princess theme. I was wearing 5 tiaras by the end of the night. I saw a lot of new faces and some old ones I have not seen in a long time. It was really fun! Got home late and crashed.

Then last night we decided to go out officially for Katie's Birthday. Just us girls, Simone, Katie B. Pei, Kaitlan and myself. We walked to this bar and restaurant called the Tip Tap. Katie got her drink of course and it was fun, but we had a crowd of these rowdy drunks right next to us, so stereotypical. All of them were loud except the two men sitting right next to us... They weren't drinking as much, but what was really disturbing was the one sitting behind Katie kept turning around to look at me. He certainly was robbing the cradle if you ask me. I tried to ignore it, but it was difficult when he was turning his body and boring his eyes into me. His drunk friend kept asking him why he was hanging out outside and asked him why he would not drink more. Katie was able to hear him say something about 'offending these young ladies', referring to us. At one point before we left I wanted to be sure I was right and I met eye contact with him and then I slammed my eyes shut. Wowww, it kind of freaked me out. When we left I told the others and Simone had noticed it too! So it wasn't in my head... weird. after that we walked back and had s'mores and then played Rockband at my place. I'm getting good at the guitar. To end the night we headed back to Katie's to watch He's Just Not That Into You, and we all fell asleep on Katie and Pei's love seat and futon during the movie. I'm not sure when everyone else fell asleep I was the first out... I woke up at 3:26 and they were all asleep too. I just fell right back into my dream-state. When we all awoke at 4:00 a.m. Pei went to bed and Kaitlan, Simone and myself went home, leaving the Birthday girl with the futon all to herself. It was a great night other than the stranger at the bar.

Just wait... one more story. So Thursday something was brought up by Katie about this friend of mine. Katie is one of those people you can talk to about anything and she can read people. She is a genuinely good person and quite honestly I don't know what I'd of done without her last year. On to my point, there was this girl there who were both friends with, well I have not known her long, but her name is Jen. She has this really close guy friend who told her he liked her some time ago. Katie has been following the story much better then I have, but apparently her and this guy are not together. In fact he had a very serious relationship that ended a little recently. They are very close in fact she told me she can talk to him about anything. And when she spoke about him Katie started laughing and just asked flat out,
"Are you guys in love!?" Jen didn't answer, she just got embarrassed and shook her head. She told Katie to shut up, but she was laughing too. Katie just went on, "Oh my god you guys are so in love! I knew it! Your in love! You guys love each other!" I was surprised myself and I asked her if it was true. She had a hard time answering. It was weird... it was like it had just dawned on her that she did love him when Katie said that to her. I asked her myself and all she said was she couldn't stop thinking about him lately and she knows he cares about her. What I also thought was strange was that nothing had ever transpired between them romantically. Made me thin... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/26887640/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/26887640/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:50:58 PDT
I am so excited right now, I'm shaking... actually I think that is just from the hot chocolate I just had. 0.0.... who knows! Well anyways I must tell you all about my first week back at CCAD and Cbus.

APARTMENT:
Well first of all as I think I have already said I really like my new apartment, it's called Grant Oaks. It IS smaller, BUT it is very cute and cozy. And strangely it is considerably cool even though it is on the 2nd floor and there is no air conditioning. I think that is due to all the cross breeze I get, because my building is on the very end and it has SIX windows!

Unfortunately after getting here I realized I had forgotten to bring a lot of things. For starters my dreamcatcher, my bulletin board, my bike, my electric pencil sharpener and my Rukia plushie. Yea... other than the objects I left behind I'm all settled in.

Other positives about my new apartment, it is a little bit closer to the school, only by a block, but trust me, it makes a difference. About 50% of Grant Oaks occupants are CCAD students, that includes Sami Nummi, Kaitlan Hyland, Pei (who was one of my first roommates freshman year) Katie B., Simone and the list goes on and on! What's also great about this is I know most of my neighbors and it makes it a safer and more trusting environment; there is always people out and about at all hours of the night, my people, CCAD people. For example, I went to the school tonight and how it use to be is, I would have someone to walk with me back until we got to Grant Oaks. Then all my friends would be home, but I still would have to walk another block, alone, at night, in the heart of downtown.... But today we all walked back together and I didn't have to make any lone trips, mom you can breath a sigh of relief, okay. I'm not going to get jumped then raped, then strangled and left for dead in a dumpster.

Three more positives to the new place, my car is locked up in garage with a gate and guards (no breaking windows and radio thefts, yay!), there is visitor parking (no more 10 dollars in quarters, yay!) and the library is practically right outside my door. (....YAY!!) Snowflake, my kitty is settling in very nice as well. Oh and for those who don't know I accidently killed Mario (I felt horrible I had a bad dream about it and everything) my goldfish who was Omar's descendent. So.... at fair Deanna and I won new feeder fish. My new one is tiny and very orange. (just like Omar was *tear*)Mom and I decided it's a her and her name is Gidget.

Oh wow, I'm writing so much about the apartment and I have not even started on everything else that has happened this week, this might be long -.-. Sorry I just like to talk and write, last thing on the apartment, I swear! Amy, a girl who works in the mailroom with me and who is a senior lives right across from me! Okay I'm done on the apartment now!

FAIR:
So mom and I got to cbus and the apartment late Saturday evening... ya see we were suppose to leave a lot earlier, but the night before... well, I had people over my house and of course Hank went lame at the fair right then. Swear to gawd every year at fair something bad happens to Hank, sickness or lameness. Anyways, my mom was still at the fairgrounds along with MY CAR, because people blocked me in and so I had taken my mom's car home to make it there in time for the people coming over. So Saturday mom and I got the car loaded and then went to go see Hank at the fair. He was still pretty lame when I saw him, but he had a long week. Word is that he is doing better already now that he is home and had a break. Not going to lie I had already been sad Friday and hearing about Hank when I was suppose to leave and then other things that happened brought me to tears when everyone was over. But I ran away so nobody would see me.

Mom and I also got one last funnel cake well at the fair and said all our goodbyes to everyone, well me really. Honestly it was really depressing for me, Friday was the worst day, before I knew it I was going to be coming back....I got very sad about leaving Hank. But in truth it had been a good week for me, that fair. I hung out and helped Deanna all week, I helped Susan on Tuesday, I got to show myself on Wednesday! Martha, my friend and instructor for years and years came by to watch me too! Susan and I did generation gap and we got a 2nd and a 6th, and we had a lot of stiff competition. Oh also momo and her family, Mikey, Danny and Jay also came to watch me... oh and Deanna was my slave on the day I showed! Later in my classes I got a 5th and a 1st! What excited me about the 1st was Kenna w... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/26662430/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/26662430/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:51:58 PDT
Ya see I'm going to try and be there as much as I can, but the thing is I'm not sure why. I won't really be doing anything. Jenna doesn't seem to like it when I'm around, I think I make her nervous and she is always helping Susan so I don't. She doesn't seem to want my help with Hank, but I guess I just wanta be there for him. He has gotten sick so many times in the past during fair and it's going to be really hot this week, I'm just worried. I get mixed signals constantly from the girl and I dunno I'm just really uncomfortable at times. Deanna will be there though so that is kind of a small relief, someone to hang out with, this is her very last fair. I dunno what I'm trying to say.

I'm sorry. I'm kind of sad, I really didn't get to ride much this summer. I had one last week before fair. Fair ends Sunday, but school for me starts Monday ya see so I'll be leaving before fair is even over. That isn't even what bothers me though. I just... I got to ride last Sunday and Monday, but I had to do it kind of unbeknownst to Jenna, because she doesn't like when I ride him the same day as her. Then I pretty much had my move in trip too Cbus and Cincinnati. I just got home Sunday evening around 5:00 and I went to the barn to ride one last time, because I wasn't going to get to before I leave for school other than if I get to show on Wednesday night at fair.

No girth at the barn...
This had happened to me once already when I went to ride the only day I really got too, a Monday. That time someone had taken it after a show on Saturday and never brought it back before that Monday. This time was different, it had already been taken to the fairgrounds before the horse even went. My girth. The only one we had to fit Hank there. I dunno if it was intentional, but I'm sure she didn't want me to ride that night. She kind of flipped out one day when she found out I rode him for like 15 minutes the day after she had a show with him.

I just CAN'T do it okay. I just can't NOT ride him, okay. So I rode him bareback. I haven't gotten to ride Hank much all summer. I went out there every single day the first two months I was home and I only got to ride a handful of times. I was lucky if I got to ride him twice a week. I don't take lessons anymore because I can't afford it. Can't ya see it kills me inside that I can't not be around all year. Can't ya see how self conscious I am about my riding strength. Can't ya see how much it kills me that I can't keep up with him anymore as a good partner does. How sore I am after one little bareback ride. You'll have your splendid last fair and you'll get your shiny ribbons just as you have all summer long. Then you'll get to leave him properly with a goodbye, but will it really matter cause ya don't seem to like him that much. Well I'll get to leave midway through a very hectic and busy week without one last nice relaxing ride. There is so much more I can say, but I'm just going to stop. All I'll say now is, tonight I got to watch a bunch of the girls riding their horses in the cool night under the big lights in the fairgrounds arena, well people walked around preparing for the fair that starts tomorrow. People working their horse, or walking them around to get them use to the lights of the ferris wheel or the strange animal sounds, people riding and chatting, people stopping to watch as many people got in their first ride of the week. All I kept thinking was, I miss that. What a thing the first night of fair with your horse was, one of the most exciting and fun times. I don't think I have ever wanted to ride so badly in my life watching everyone else get to.

I don't mean to sound so down. I'm going to 180% the subject now. I moved into my new apartment and I'm going to put pictures up. I dunno why, but I look at going back to cbus as both a curse and a blessing. I want to get away and I am excited about my new place and stuff. But at the same time I'm so unready to leave, leaving in the middl... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/26221919/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/26221919/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:06:17 PDT
Actually if ya wanta know the truth I'm really quite terrified to go back to school and Columbus this year... heh heh everything just went so poorly last year. And I'm not sure I'll be able to deal with it all again. The money, the separation anxiety, the no sleep, the living alone, the dangers/annoyances of stupid downtown, the constant work load that is suppose to exceed that of Harvard law, the constant disappointment in my artwork, the no hank/riding and God forbid if something happens again well I'm away. Ugh... I'll prob crack and check myself into a mad house. Yep.. sounds about right. If I'd be allowed one wish I'd wish that everyone could find what makes them happy and let them selves be welst i'm away. Misery is a horrid curse, a curse people try to burden all on their shoulders alone most of the time. But I think it can be lifted off if a person opens their eyes to all the things that lead to their own personal fulfillment. So ask yourself what are the things that haunt you in your life? And why? Can something be done about it? Maybe yes maybe no. I can do it for myself in some situations. Some thing that weighs me down is forgiveness, anger, letting go.

Someone very important to me, lied to me for half of my life. Betrayed my family. It seemed so impossible to forgive, but when face to face it was so very easy. The person was to important in my life not to forgive and we can move on. The person was someone else for so long that when they were themselves again it was a relief.

When I say forgiveness, I mean for myself as well. I have to forgive myself for my own wrongs and trust me there is plenty. I have wronged one particular person, although it wasn't so black and white. I did try to take steps forward for my misgivings starting with a personal apology, but even after so things weren't resolved. Leaving the person alone didn't seem to help either. Heavy guilt then set in, but after some realization of the other parties failure to reconnect and maybe understanding they don't care and prefer to stay on opposite sides. I let go of my guilt and forgave myself for giving up. What can't be helped, can't be helped. As long as I leave the person be and let them live on their lives and wish them the best. Letting go of anger is a difficult thing, I had to do it myself and it took some time. But staying angry for so long is just living another misery.

Of course then there is always substantial things that make people down. Things that happen in our lives that we could or could not control. How can we not be miserable when something horrible happens. I don't have an answer. Hell, I'm not all knowing and I'm not trying to be. These are things that have just been going through my own mind. The only thing I can think of is trying to do things to make myself happy for these situations. Sometimes stupid things enjoying the glory of the night sky, having a nice talk with a friend, love stories, family guy. What I have realized is as mundane as these things are. I can control the importance of them in my own mind. If I take great fascination in it, well then god dammit! It's FANTAST... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/25685083/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/25685083/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:17:13 PDT Actually can you believe there is just been to much for me to even say anything about any of it. It would take me 20 years to write that journal and I'm just not up for that right now. ^^ Wellll... that's it!
sorry again

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/25320036/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/25320036/ Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:25:42 PDT [link] Read the lil bio too! Now to the list below!

HAPPY LIST

riding my horse
watchin hank videos --(Danielle made this one of Hank, but I'm in it ) [link]
talkin to mom
eating oranges
hearin from A.J.
talkin to ish
when people visit it me
being organized
certain music
takin pics
getting my friends together
my dogs
my cats
home cooked food
warm baths
tea
organizing
spending a whole day at the barn
drawing pictures
painting
going to the mailroom
seeing my brother
hockey!
horse shows
Hanks reaction when he sees me after I been away
Katie B.
hanging out with my mom
driving and music
walking on campus on a nice day
exercising for a good hour
feeling sore after a long day
cool nights
blue skyes
going to the beach
playing the wii
people telling me things about themselves
helping if i can
talking on and on
writing on and on
trail rides
fall time
getting to lay in my bed
talking to my friends online
talking to any of my friends on the phone
chocolate
Being involved
Being busy
shopping for anime
hearing from an old friend have not talk to in forever

For psychology class I had to do a project where I listed 25 things that make me happy then select 10 and write about why they make me happy. Well I got this assignment during probably one of the worst periods of my life near the end of this semester right in the midst of so many horrible events. I also had a friend named Ruth who worked with me in the mailroom and she came in one day very upset. So I said, "okay okay... how about... I have to list things that make me happy for psychology... so lets do that.", and so I started saying random things out loud. Ruth became amused and started to do it too and what we realized was... it's addicting and it made us happy and it made us laugh and It cheered us right up. We started to do it a lot because we were both having our fare share of troubles as everybody does. We got other people to do it with us, like Katie B. and Megan. I can't explain why, but there is something uplifting about doing this with someone.

Since I have been home things have not been all bad, but things have not always been that great either and I thought they would be. I thought anything would be better than what I had to deal with at school, but some pretty painful things happen here at home too. Of course it's a lot easier to write about the bad things... Because... well... I get emotional... and things just come out unfortunately ^^ yea... sorry about that. I know I can be so dramatic, but it's just how I feel at the time. Right now i feel kind of moody, but I'm trying to make myself feel better. Ya see, I just finished watching this anime I bought. I saw it on on demand a long time ago and it was pretty good, then I saw the box set at FYE and so I hid it... and then... yea, I came back and got it... cause..., I luv anime and I just wanted tooo! But I probably should not have. The anime was pretty good, but it lacked an ending -.-. Anyways the lack of closure and just the show it's self got my brain working and sometimes that just isn't a good thing. Sometimes thinking to much is what sets me off.

Since it was basically a love story, it certainly got me thinking about my past relationship that has recently ended and also what may come if anything. And do I really want anything too? I certainly have realized that I'm not girlfriend material. My schedule is scattered and I can never give people a definite time that I can hang out, I go away for school and then come home for the summer, I don't like feeling obligated to have to check in with someone all the time, I like doing and going where I want without having to worry about the other person if their not with me, I have a hard time prioritizing people and things in my life and lastly I have a lot of plans that I feel like I don't have time for as it is. I feel like a relationship kinda gets in my way sometimes. Oh and one more BIG thing. I don't think I want.... to be serious. The idea of a serious relations... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/25007909/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/25007909/ Fri, 29 May 2009 00:58:24 PDT
During the school year I watched a lot of youtube and near the last 2 weeks I found this fan made music video based off a female character on a soap opera. I really like this song and the video. Around my third break down that was pretty much how I felt right then. One of the things that kept my sanity made my self pity lessen, it was just one horrible thing after another that last month or two of school.
[link]

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24579334/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24579334/ Mon, 04 May 2009 07:18:38 PDT
So that's the update I'm in the midst of finals and it's crazy. Since I have been pretty miserable up until recently I have found a few ways to really make myself feel better. And I dunno maybe if any of you guys are sad for what ever reason it can help you too. For Psychology class we had to write a little paper, you started by making a big list of things that make you happy. Then you choose your top 10 and write a little bit more about them. Well my point is during the last couple weeks when I was down I found that doing this with a friend out loud, who mind you was also upset, really helps. Ruth and I have been doing it a lot and really brightens the mood. And alas talking to friends of course which I have been doing a lot of lately. Talking about things to come over the summer is nice too, but it makes me anxious. Eventually I'm going to put a list of plans and things I want to do on here, but probably not until after this hellish week is over. When school is over I will also post up artwork hopefully and pictures. Until then though, See ya later!
Ms. KTK

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24199459/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24199459/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:12:11 PDT

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24174547/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24174547/ Fri, 10 Apr 2009 23:56:18 PDT
I was told about something very bad happening Tuesday night, something I’m kicking myself for now, because over spring break I saw the signs. But I wanted to take time to think about what to do next. I told nobody. I took to long, or maybe I was in denial trying to pretend to not see what I saw. Because everything is so fragile already. I didn’t want to push it over the edge and make it shatter. Needless to say when I was told I couldn’t breath right, and I started to shake and I could not stop the tears. I was told not to cry, so I tried my best to stop after I got off the phone I couldn’t stop pacing. I put my coat and shoes on as if I was going to go somewhere, but there was nowhere to go in the middle of downtown Columbus at 10:30 at night. Especially in the state I was in. Someone would prob grab me. So I settled for standing on my doorstep cursing into the night. Just saying fuck, fuck, fuck dammit dammit dammit. As though that would console me. Still pacing sometimes kneeling.

A car pulled up and I headed back inside, but my hand was shaking so much it was hard to put the key in the lock. I got back in my apartment trying to decide what to do next. I called a friend, Katie B. Not to tell her, just to talk to someone who would make me smile and laugh. I’m a good actress, no matter how hard I’m crying and breathing I can disguise it. She still figures out something is bothering me for the straight fact I hadn’t no reason to call her. She says she’ll get it out of me tomorrow I just laugh and we hang up. I felt better for that moment, but then the tears just came back. I still had homework to do and it was quite a struggle to finish it. Could not focus. I speak to my friend Jay when I’m clamer, the conversation is short, but helpfull just as Katie’s was. I talk to Jason and Cahn online things ease enough so I can finish my work.

Next day Im moody and i’d imagine no fun to be around. I was working in the mailroom with my friend Ruth and my boss Wanda. I don’t let on how I’m feeling to much, I just stay quiet. I try to lighten my mood, by doing homework and watching Hank videos. It does help and when I see Katie B. she again makes me smile and laugh. Until she questions me, I leave my body for a second, just a second and my breath hitches. I can feel my face turning red and I can’t speak for a moment. My rapid shaking returns full force. Damn shaking. Her eyes look very surprised by the changes in me. I finally am able to speak and I tell her I don’t want to talk, because I’ll get upset. And it’s dropped, the day goes on. School becomes front and center because it has too. But when I go back to work just as Ruth and I are closing she also ask me. She says I have been off all day. Again my breath is caught and I stutter the words that something bad happen in my family last night. It’s all I can manage to say, she hugs me and tells me she is sorry. I tell her thanks, but I’m sorry because I hope I have not been a bitch all day. We leave the mailroom. I get home and suddenly I cry again and the severe hyperventilating returns. What the hell. I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried like this. Where I really can’t breath. But i control myself and I make it stop. The rest of the day is a blur and I think I felt better.

No more tears I can’t seem to bring them anymore. I never was much of a crier, at least for a girl I always thought. There is a few things that if I think about I’ll cry on the spot. Name one, putting Sheaba down. As I left the room where her body lay, I got one last glance at her as the door slowly shut, through the crack. Then my thoughts spoke, “that’s it, that’s the last time I’ll ever see my dog again.” Then the door shut and it became truth. That was about 2 years ago now and I’ll still cry when I remember. Not many people have seen me cry. I don’t like it, it makes me feel weak. I hate weak. But is not being able to cry a good thing? That makes me seem inhuman and I becoming desensitized? The Sheaba thing didn’t even make me cry right now. That’s a first, I feel like I want to, but the tears just won’t come. WTF.

Whatever I’m gonna get past this. I don’t want to be brought down. But what is gonna happen? I’m so unsure. I dunno what this means. My whole life might be altered from this point on. But its not even MY life I’m worried about. I’m worried. That’s it. I’m worried on top of many other emotions. Angry, sad, betrayed, hurt, confused, guilty. Writing helps me think, writing prioritized my thoughts. I’m gonna try and focus on other things. Friends, School my weight gain -.-. And getting rid of it. Riding when summer comes, working, volunteering. Living. As Katie B. sings to me...

Everything is..... gonna be alright

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24118419/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24118419/ Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:05:37 PDT
]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24033042/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/24033042/ Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:22:48 PDT . I'm out of shape, and that depresses me, but I can get over that pretty fast. Because even though my muscles have grown weak, Hank seems to make up for all that. Every time I went to see him this past week he was so great for me. He listened, tried his best and I despite being away I felt like we were connecting better than ever. Gawd damn it Hank you make me love you more. I felt generally missed for a change. It's so hard to tell with him, because he's not a sweet horse, he's more of the friendly punch you in the shoulder greeting personality, rather than hug you upon arrival greeting (if hank were human he'd remind me of Toph from Avatar, except BIG 0.0) He nickered at me though when he first saw me and I got this feeling like he was grateful. I dunno, but I miss him again. I miss riding it was so fun, and it is so fun especially when your horse and you are working well together. ^^

Another thing is I got rent issues. The rent was due yesterday and they still didn't get Mags half. I'm probaly gonna have to pay for the whole 600 myself. I can't keep doing that, I can't afford to and even if my mom and dad help, WE can't do that. My family is having enough issues with money and I feel bad. I hope I can continue to afford the rent myself, I hope it doesn't get to the point I need to ask them for help.


As for a couple other things, in the recent weeks I have come upon a very important realization about me personally, but I can't say what it is on here. Which frustrates the hell outta me, but it's not safe.

I am worried about my family. I will say this, a couple of things happen over break. One thing just showed how worried I should be, caused by the disasters of this last year. Then something else the night everyone was over, and at first I didn't think much of it. I didn't tell anyone and I pushed it out of my mind until later that night when there was only a few people left. I realized it might be a very serious issue, but at the same time I didn't know what to do. I felt backed into a corner and my to escape paths were both riddled with traps, different kinds of traps, but harmful traps none the less. Harmful to more than just myself, and so I did nothing, I pretended it didn't happen. I still don't know what to do, I don't want to tell anyone because I'm afraid of the consequences. So for now I'll just wait in my corner until I think it through. The two things that happen are very related, I dunno I feel helpless.

Spring break was a lot of fun and I got to see a lot of people I love, but... it left me with a lot to think about too. A bunch of different things, not good things. Of course I don't even have time to be concerned during the week. Hell, I don't have time to sleep how can I have time to take things in?

Whatever

Happy belated Birthday too to ish and Jimmy
I beat Ocarina of Time and got everything in it In A Day without cheating (im a nerd)
I got to ride with Deanna for once
I got some anime, yay no more spending
I got to see my Grandma and Aunt and she made us food

Now I really need to sleep, I have not really done so properly all week.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/23582594/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/23582594/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 21:31:20 PST
wkkdom6906= me! Ms. KTK
onichaa= momo!
avpmajesta= magstarr! Maggie
beuford07= Reese!
lilsester= Ish!
singlechic42589= Cahn!

You have just entered room "chat36339817653225098992."
wkkdom6906: sry guys
wkkdom6906: got kicked out
onichaa: hey nice ta c u
wkkdom6906: thanx momo
avpmajesta: fuck you kt fuck you
beuford07: lol
onichaa: lol
wkkdom6906: no fuck your face!
lilsester15: yeah, i cant figure the whole chat invite thing out, srry
onichaa: lol
onichaa: eww wouldnt that be a lil gross...
lilsester15: yeah, i lill
lilsester15: lil
beuford07: ahh! mental images! BAD mental images!
lilsester15: kinda like a naked marty
avpmajesta: ew
onichaa: lol
beuford07: AAAAAHHHHHHHH! *bangs head on desk* GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
lilsester15: [link] check this out
onichaa: i no what that is already
lilsester15: just do it
onichaa: i did
lilsester15: good
beuford07: I know what that is, too! Somebody else did it to me!
lilsester15: hehe
lilsester15: who died?
beuford07: huh?
lilsester15: so quiet
beuford07: somebody start venting!
wkkdom6906: oh sry doing stuffs
avpmajesta: same here I'm rping
onichaa: i did
wkkdom6906: okay we'll
onichaa: up there
beuford07: somebody start again! It kinda died...
wkkdom6906: I thin Amber needs to start sonfiding in us more
lilsester15: idk, i keep telling her in one of my notes to her that she can tell me anything, but she just says i no, and ill tell guys guys eventually
beuford07: guys guys?
wkkdom6906: ya dont wnata hear it, but at the same time you have too
lilsester15: i hope she tells us sumthin sooner than later, before its too late
beuford07: *gasp* your color changed!
lilsester15: yeah
wkkdom6906: ya dont wanta know what there experiancing, but as a friend its your job to listen sometimes and be there
wkkdom6906: even when it makes you hurt a lil
lilsester15: yeah, but we cant do anythin unless they open up first, u cant force them to talk
onichaa: the night i was over aj's house she called over and was crying on the phone to me about how bad of a friend she was and she didnt mean for what ever to happen ..or what ever...and i told her if she ever needed to talk im here...
wkkdom6906: we'll has she come to you for anything as of late, becuse your the person she prabably would cometoo
onichaa: hello im the person everyone goes to when they wana talk caz i dont give them " well u shouldnt have done this..or that.."
beuford07: yeah, but you two are like sisters.
wkkdom6906: not with everything
onichaa: no she hasnt and when i ask her whats wrong she goes"nothing" and gives me the cold shoulder and i no when something is wrong with one of my friends!!><
wkkdom6906: i noticed that, she was one of the 'few' that never commented on my journal
wkkdom6906: does she usally
wkkdom6906: comment on journal enties
lilsester15: yeah, she told me she was thinking over a lot lately, and i asked her what, and she pretty much changed the subject on me
onichaa: yep
wkkdom6906: should i invite julie in
avpmajesta: wish I was around more
lilsester15: ditto, i guess
wkkdom6906: dont worry mags
avpmajesta: then I could see what things were happening
wkkdom6906: you'll see
wkkdom6906: you saw loast night dint you
avpmajesta: then i could take a stand and tells bitches whats them not want to hear
avpmajesta: last night?
onichaa: yep
avpmajesta: I wasn't around with them last night
singlechic42589 has entered the room.
wkkdom6906: no tonight mags
lilsester15: wut was last night?
wkkdom6906: at the movies
wkkdom6906: she was quiet
onichaa: yep
lilsester15: oh
beuford07: I was talking to Amber during the movie...
singlechic42589: wait what r u guys talking about
onichaa: painting and talking is hard to do...
wkkdom6906: amber
singlechic42589: to the movies
wkkdom6906: yes
lilsester15: i no, surprised me
wkkdom6906: i asked her about it
lilsester15: wut she say when u asked?
wkkdom6906:... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/23515919/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/23515919/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:26:02 PST
Friday I cleaned up my place, did grocery shopping then that night I received a call from a lost Ish. Yep, she got lost once she made it into downtown C town (Columbus). Wasn't really her fault though, her directions sucked, but I got her here and it was a good laugh. I welcomed my guest inside, heh... guest.... anyway after an argument, and nobody caring and Julie admitting she has a problem. (psssst .....alcohol) Don't tell her parents! Or they will never let her in weather again! Just kidding cahn! We ordered pizza and Jess came over to join us! A certain someone would not go with me to greet the pizza guy though and help us get a discount by doing certain.... things. Her lost, well everyones lost really, cause I was surprised to see he was young and quite attractive. We ate are pizza and watched Dane Cook. I got to draw everyone again and we had ice cream I bought. But I did something stupid, I put the whip cream in the freezer.... yea dunno y I did that. So needless to say we had no whipped cream. Then I went to bed, Reese and Cahn stayed up al night. Next morning I made everyone French toast, than after an argument over who was gonna put change in the parking meter... we headed to the Polaris mall. Ish was looking for a dress, and well we were at it, we all decided to try some dresses on. I wanta redo on my prom experience quite frankly! Anyways well there we agreed when the last person turns 21 in the group we all need to dress up real fancy and go out (the girls anyway). Unfortunately That is A.J. and I dunno if she will be home, and also when she turns 21 I'll be turning 22. Aw well.

We went in the norm stores Hot Topic, FYE bla bla bla.. Then headed over to Best Buy, because it told me I was gonna go inside and buy stuff, and I agreed with it.... the store that is. And it was right, I'm badddd. I bought the rest of Avatar on DVD, season's 1 AND 2! Ish bought The AUDITION CD! Then we headed to Wal Mart. Yep, ya know why? To buy hair dye, of the red nature. YES! We agreed to dye each others hair that night. After that we went out to eat at Steak N Shake, which was cool cause Jess got a paper hat and cardboard car thing. The best part though was Ish had some jesus guy admiring her the whole time, from the moment he walked in and saw her. HA!

Lastly we headed to Pets Mart... to buy a 2nd Omar! I left my Omar bowl at home though so I had to get new one, but the girl was such a bitch when she saw what I was gonna put my feeder fish in. She told me it was going to die within 2 days. I explained to her that I had had a feeder fish I won at a fair that lived for 3 years in the same plastic thing though. She didn't want to hear it, but whatever! We also saw the kitties, there was black cat with yellow eyes who I loved! Anyways the 2nd Omar is names Mario and he's right next to me... still VERY MUCH alive! He looks like a smaller Omar with a black strip on his back.

When we got home we put on some avatar and started dying people's hair. I got mine done first, Jess did it! I got's my Ran Kotubuki red streak! Finally !!!!! ^^ I'm so happy! Then Reese got her tips and front strands dyed red too. Jess touched up her red hair ^^, then ish got her hair done a dark chocalte brown, with the front and beneath bright blond. Lastly cahn got hers dyed a more natural red, like highlights. Jess was kind enough to do everyones, and I thank her. Then we had more ice cream and watched Avatar until we passed out.

Next day we slept kinda late, and we decided we wanted to get Donuts. Problem though, nowhere to get Donuts downtown. According to the internet, Jess and Ish said there was a place called Hot Donut literally two doors down from my apartment building. Uh... no. If there was, I'd be in there e... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/23424767/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/23424767/ Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:54:03 PST
I really can’t stand how things are going right now though. Eh that’s not true, I just had a rough week, teacher stuff, not all bad though. What I do realize is I like my school, I really do and guess what? I’m freakin learning things! For REAL! Who would have thought? But in the end it doesn’t matter if I can’t shake off these gawd awful feelings I have. Being depressed can really rain on your parade. I’m just lonely, but not in the normal sense of having people around. I always have people around me, it’s different. It’s I want to be around MY people, and talk to MY people. I miss them and I can’t seem to forget it. Not even my mom has had much time to talk lately. I don’t have time really to call them or go home much, nor do I have the money. I think what it boils down to is I’m homesick. Fuckin hate that. I miss riding a lot too. A LOT LOT LOT LOT. Valentine’s weekend I was home and I got to ride Hank and it felt great and since then I can’t get it out of my head.

Anyway I have LOTS of homework this weekend and now that I’m done with my rant at the top there and I finally got to talk to my mom, I feel much better. My Psychology class is very interesting and it’s helping me. It’s making me see I need to be less pessimistic and I need to do better with my sleep. Depression can affect a person in just about every way. People who are optamist and aren’t depressed do better in school, work and their healthier and more energetic. I think I’m doing okay considering the fact I been feeling this way. Now if I could just get rid of the sad brooding feelings, I’d be set. But it’s hard.

One of my best friends is in Florida and everyday something happens or is said that makes me think of her. I don’t get to talk to her much between our schedules. It’s hard not to miss her and be saddened by the lack of time I get to spend with her. All my other best friends, with the exception of the select few best friends I have here at CCAD (thank gawd for them) are at home. Except Amber of course, but shes not here either. It’s okay though. I can miss them, I just need to stop becoming sad over it.

I been talking to my friend Jason a lot online, and occasionally Danny or Jimmy. They help. Getting to see my brother and go to the Blue Jacket hockey games with him also. Hanging out with Jess occasionally, or Sami. Work is also a relief usually Wanda is my unofficial CCAD mom and Katie Brenn is one of my best friends here. But what I think will really do me some good is my other best friend is coming up this weekend! Ish-arone! ^^ And she is bringing Cahn who I have also been talking to a lot and Reese. Yay! They’re gonna let me sketch them and were gonna have a fun times! It’s just the escape I need and maybe it will heal some of the homesickness, to have a big part of home’s charm here in Columbus with me!

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/22834776/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/22834776/ Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:44:55 PST
I screwed up badly recently. I'm regretful and I know I should not have done what I did. There is no excuse for it, the truth is so blunt and hurtful. I was angry, and I thought the way that I tried to escape my anger was the best choice at the time. I was wrong, it just makes me wonder why. Why did I do that? You ever wonder that? Why do people do what they do? Is it just our personality or do we base all of our choices from past experiences? As a kid I use to let myself get walked all over by my best friend at the time. In her defense she was going through a lot at a young age. But i had my own problems as well and despite how much worst hers were; a wise person once told me don't make your problems insignificant just because your comparing them to your friend's that seem much worst. All that matters is how the person feels about their problems and how it affects them. She didn't have the right to take out some of her anger on me. All I wanted was to be her friend, but most of the time I was met with abuse for years. I use to cry after she left every single time because she hurt me inside. A person can only withstand it for so long. We were growing older and one day I just turned the tables. If being her friend meant being miserable, then I was done. I think I was 13.

She was the first one, I didn't let her go, I pushed her away. After that I had one that I just let slip through my fingers as we aged. I had another who pushed me away. There were a few others too. I still think about them and it still hurts, but Im very different person now. I'm tougher, I think about with regret and i consider trying to reopen the door, but I don't cry. I don't let myself get real sad like I use to. I don't know if I could about them anymore. But I do still do something because of all this. I try my damn hardest not to let any of it happen again. Especially because the friends I have now, rarely hurt me. They help me and make me so happy. I feels safe with them and when were together I don't want them to leave. I always get sad when they have to leave my house, unless it's 5 in the morning and I'm telling them to go. I'd probably to just about anything that I could do for them. In my dreams I (though hesitantly) kill for them, fight zombies for them and risk my life for them. Dreams aren't real of course, but the feelings in the dreams are very real.
I realize though that I sometimes hurt them and I hate that I do that. When I'm hurt or really angry, it just comes out before I can control it. The only way to stop it is to get away fast and cool down before it comes out. I don't think I let myself get that way often. But the other way I get rid of it obviously is just as hurtful, I lash out just as she once lashed out at me. I know it will never be forgotten, but I hope it can be forgiven. Do you think it can?

Thank you old friend, without you there would have been no Hank and without Hank there would be none of these great friends. He gave me a purpose when I really needed one and you helped me stick it out. I changed because of that. I learned to not care and to see who my real friends were and I began to work really hard to try and keep us together. I began to work really hard at a lot of things. I became ambitious. Sometime I think that is partially what literally saved my life.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/22565447/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/22565447/ Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:46:21 PST [link]

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/22403393/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/22403393/ Sun, 04 Jan 2009 20:37:58 PST
]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/21957016/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/21957016/ Sat, 13 Dec 2008 01:11:43 PST
But I finally found the lesson in this. I am such a lucky person. I have it all before me. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. They have their own lives and issues, but they include me in their lives and they have left me with some memories that still bring a smile to my face. I have a boyfriend who really cares for me and always listened. I have an amazing horse who is being well cared for and loved, whom I get to keep. I have a mom who was there for me with just a phone call this whole semester every time I was ready to break down. I have a dad who turned his life around for me and would drive down in a second if I needed him too. I have a brother who now lives in the same city who I could lean on when ever it seemed like everything was falling apart. I have a cat who obsesses over me and loves me unconditionally. I have two dogs who missed me more than I ever thought they would. I go to a school that is allowing me to go into the career of my dreams. I have a job with a person who cares more about my health then I do myself. I have some collage friends who put up with so much of my venting. Why am I so lucky? I don't deserve it, what do I do with it? But nearly screw it up. Well I'm tiered of being a screw up.

But I don't have to be normal. I'm tiered of just breathing. It's never enough. It won't ever be. I won't ever be able to do enough to repay all I owe, but I can thank these people and I can try to do better. I can do better. So as I drove home tonight I brought home so much with me. I can take a lesson from... myself. From my child self. And so I promise I will make this the best December ever. There is never time, but i always make time. And after this semester, what I went through, time will go so much slower.

Hey, I got to get all the emotion and insanity I have kept inside out somehow. Now is the time.
My next journal will be very soon and it will be a real update.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/21433454/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/21433454/ Tue, 11 Nov 2008 06:53:04 PST For weeks now I have been miserable, but I have nobody to blame but myself for my poor attitude. I live each day like I'm surving, not living. I'm constantly on edge and I feel my muscles slowly withering away, tightening and sticking in strange ways. My shaking that I have always done has increased severly. I'm always pressed for time and during the school weeks I get by with 3-4 hours of sleep. I often am straining my hardest to stay awake in class, coffee doesn't work. I hate my apartment because everytime I go back Maggie's there playing Xbox not caring about a damn thing leaving a huge mess in her wake, of dried up food and band-aids and whatever else disgusting. A mess I don't have time to clean up until Thursday night. At which point I'm to tiered and I pass out. I find myself often procrastinating with my new obsession to watch clips on youtube. It's like an anti-social distraction and it's the only thing that makes me feel somewhat happy at home. I'm starting to realize I can relate to the people on these clips. So maybe that is where the obsession stems from. After all my life is full of lies everyday just like them and I lie everyday to myself and others just like her. It's hard to be happy when ya don't even have time to stay on the phone with anyone for more than a half hour. Then of course there is money. In which Maggie owes me a lot of by now, for bills and groceries and of course. I have a hard time asking for it I just need to get out of this stressful enviornment, and be with friends, my horse and my mom.
On the positive note, the projects at school are suddenly exciting and I'm finding my motivation returing. With that I'm working better and hopefully I can feel like my work deos not suck anymore. The other good thing is I love working in the mailroom with Wanda(my boss she is like my mom away from home. I find that it is usually the best part of my day. Plus everytime I talk to KD Brenn she can relate to me on her stress status and she listens to me vent. I'd probably have lost it without her by now. Lastly I'm so excited for pie giving I have big plans coming up and you guys should be expecting something from me soon. I wanted to do it before Halloween, but man I could not. I didn't have time!

Those who have the greatest power, have power over themselves. If I keep that in mind I can stay strong and be mopre independent for myself and for others. Please feel free to call guys I need a distraction and I would like to heat about your lives, or, fun times, or you can vent to me. I don't care!

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20817617/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20817617/ Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:30:28 PDT
Sunday: Despite the fact that I had worked all weekend on homework, I still didn't get very much done because they were long projects. So I was up until about 5a.m.

Monday:I had manage to get woke up 8:30 tried to do more homework. Didn't do well, went to class. Then to work. After work I had to meet with my Ad & Graph team, and I was at the school until 9 at night. That night I still had a ton to do and so I didn't go to sleep.

Tuesday: Got to work sleeplessly at 7:45 a.m., worked, went to class, went to the next class. Got back around 6:30. Worked on homework. Headed back ate dinner, began to work on homework. Decided I wanted at least an hour or two of sleep. Went to sleep at 5:30 a.m.

Wednesday: Woke up at 7:30 and had to leave within 10 minutes to get to class at 8:00. Had class, skipped lunch to do more work from 11-12:30, more class after the break. Finally one more class after that. Headed back to the apartment. Got dinner with some friends. I took a break when I took a quick drive to Target to look for Nates Birthday gift with no success. Came back and again worked all night, no sleep.

Thursday: Got in the shower at 6 again sleeplessly. Got ready headed to the 6 hour class at 8a.m. had my lunch break, had the rest of the class until 3:30. Went to work right after, got out at 5. Drove to the apartment building so they could give me my new mailbox key, but they were not there even though they said they would be there until 6 p.m. and it was just after 5. Headed back to the apartment.

That is kind of when it happen, I had practically manage to stay on my feet, and drill myself into artwork, classes, and mail room work for at least 72 hours probably more. And other than dozing off well painting or during class for a few minutes at a time. And getting those 2 hours of sleep Tuesday... no naps, no sleep...
My eating habits got a little funky I tried to depend on the coffee, but after a certain point it didn't work. And I stopped drinking it because it made me feel worst. You know it's bad when people are telling you, 'you look stressed', or that 'your pupils are huge', or that 'yea, I kinda got the impression that you needed sleep.' Or when your friend is offering his scarf as a pillow so you can rest your head as you doze off for 20 minutes during the lunch break .

Tuesday was the day I felt like I wanted too lose it. That morning I could not find my keys, and I still had so much to do, and I ran to work and was still two minutes late, and left my coffee behind. Wanda offered to let me go home rest and work, but I told her no, I would stay. I agreed to work there and I am going to.

Thursday I crashed on my bed, as soon as I got back at 5:30 p.m., until 9 p.m. At 9 I woke up and started my painting homework. Got done at 5 a.m. was suppose to wake up at 6. Didn't wake until 10. Flipped out, just made it to class to turn it in. Then I worked in the mail room until class at 3:30. After class I took care of some stuff. Went to Polaris to get got Nathan's gift. Baught myself a shirt and The Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD. Had some Stromboli, then came home... Maggie and I did dishes and I made Nate's cake for tomorrow.

Surviving this week was hard on me in every way and the no sleep just multiplied everything. It drained me physically, making me soar, aches, headaches, random nauseated feelings. Mentally. because I was so scared I wouldn't finish everything and I was so stressed out. And emotionally too, but I learned a lot about myself.
One, that I will do what I have too no matter what it takes
Two that I am probably capable of more than I even thought.
Three that I can stick it out.

Now I'm gonna go sleep for a week. Cause I'm still so so so tiered. Night friends.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20707314/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20707314/ Sat, 27 Sep 2008 14:51:07 PDT 1. 3 finals of book cover full size mounted and wrap
2. draw flower on computer assignment
3. sketches, of shapes from human, create a design, create creature make presentable
4. painting of shoes assignment
5.Redraw finals of 3 ad sketches color and value
6. create the bumper sticker ideas.
7. finish watercolor painting mount
8. prob about 20 drawings in sketchbook
9. Redo my design project
10. Fix my self portrait

My highlight of the weekend was Jess, Maggie and I went to see the Lion King show. It was great! I have never gotten to go to anything like that before and I especially wanted to go to that one because I'm a huge Lion King fan. I bought a snow globe to add to my collection there. After the show though Jay, Jason, Maggie and Jess all left to go home. Not me though, too much work. So the weekend is all downhill from there. Just me and the kitty in our messy apartment.

The good news about this past week, last weekend Nathan moved down to Columbus to start his semester at Ohio State. It feels comforting to have family near by and I feel like Nathan and I have grown especially close with everything that has happened. My dad came down Thursday to drop Nathan's bike off and he took me for some much needed grocery shopping and he paid for everything. ^^ Since the power outage we have had hardly any food. Oh and I found out my brother Brad is going to have a baby with his wife, they were married just last Christmas. Oh and I did buy Avatar season 3. So that's about it for the good news. The bad, is pretty much the same, my worries, my fears my stress... especially my stress. And I really miss everyone and Hank. I slept really late today, not a shocker I needed it. Gonna pick up Nathans birthday gift and Maggie's prob tomorrow. I'm gonna make Nathan a red and white Ohio State cake with buckeyes. Got my Halloween decorations. Have not had time to put them up yet. I hope you all are doing well, I miss you guys, please call or message me or something if ya get a chance. I could use a friendly distraction.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20634587/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20634587/ Tue, 23 Sep 2008 12:05:25 PDT The truth is I am really on the edge right now though. Now despite how I shouldn't say anything I'm going to because it's driving me nuts. I might have to quickly post another journal after this one so a certain someone doesn't see.

It's been just over one year since everything changed. A year ago August so much happened and I wasn't ready and am still not. I turned 19 on the 4th; had my last year of 4-H and my last fair and then had to pretty much give up riding and say goodbye to Hank for about an 8 month period. I had to say goodbye to my hometown alongside with the friends of mine who left as well. I also had to say goodbye to them, and Mike. But before all that something else happen.

That very last fair with Hank, Weds night, Versatility night. I had to prove something that night. That Hank was amazing, I wanted to shoe those petty people that he was capable of greta things. Nothing else mattered. STUPID. It's amazing how blind you can be at times to what's going on right in front of your face when you focus on one thing. My only excuse is I was very emotional, I was leaving and I felt like I let Hank down that night. I came across as a spoiled sport, I feel so stupid I should not have been so concerned with those thoughts. That night my mom told me what was really going on. Can I tell you I really believed my parents didn't drink at all. Neither one of them and they didn't not even casually. There's nothing wrong with having some wine during dinner or opening a beer at home, but they just didn't do that. Well no they didn't do THAT... I'd prefer that over just hiding vodka bottles in your car and always being under the influence to the point that it's your normal. That you can function perfectly, drive, cut the grass, go to work for 5 years without anyone catching on. But someone did catch on, you been getting careless, been getting away with murder for too long. Now if you don't fix it you'll lose your job. Now I go off to college with the shock and I have to try not to think about it. That's pretty hard to do when the first weekend I go back I can already see the difference, which means that I realize it right away when you start drinking again. How could I have been so blind for so long I never suspected a thing, I just though you were like that sometimes.
Now you clean yourself up, and I am really proud. I won't turn against you. But the people at work.... they already have and no matter how hard you work you still suffer the demotion that winter. Now you are going to have to work twice as hard. But you realize that and without a doubt you do. Ridiculous hours, physically demanding for anyone especially for someone of your age. You lose 20 pounds in the process and they just keep piling the work on you. You messed up, and your sorry, but no matter what you do you can't make it right in their eyes. Even if you do in mine. Come a year and they just throw out the lame excuse. And you are done. They don't want you anymore, but they hadn't since they knew the truth. It was just a matter of time, but they didn't even give you a real shot. But where does that leave us?

It leaves us worried, this is the most crucial spot. If you go back to the bottles you will be left alone... I don't want that to happen. Oh gawd I don't.... And I believe in you. You won't go down that path again. But in the meantime well we struggle to get on our feet again what can I do. Does this mean I'll have to lose you Hank, I will not let that happen! Does this mean I won't be returning to my hometown, but to some foreign town that I have to pretend is my home. I won't move, I won't. I already leave everyone I love when I go away to school. I won't do it permanently! Even if it means moving into my own place there. I won't leave Ohio, or Menner area again, I did that once and I was miserable. So it's Columbus and Menner. I don't want to do that, but I will if I have too. I do believe in you, but you can't ask me to do this again.

That's all I have to say, and I gonna either have to delete this or post another journal up fast.
I just needed this for myself, clarity. I gotta go to class

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20295131/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20295131/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:25:38 PDT
Today: 8 pieces - my high school photography projects
and one w/c painting that sucked and didn't make my
portfolio

Tommorrow: 7 pieces - 3 of my high school drawing class pieces
and 3 watercolor paintings that didn't make my portfolio,
one is actually already in my gallery, then my last piece
from Fine art in high school that was too late to be in my
portfolio-it's an acid etch

The Next Day: 16 pieces (sorry) - My whole High School portfolio
that got me to this school, CCAD. In the order I gave
them to the school to fit a flowing theme. Some of these
pieces are in my gallery already, but I am reposting them
as part of the set.

Then I'll start posting the work I am doing already for this school year. Yes I know not a big deal, but I just wanted to explain the work I am going to be posting is old work.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20261068/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/20261068/ Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:45:17 PDT The horseshow was my favorite part, I especially loved when Martha my ol trainer showed up and I was excited Mike came to watch. Danielle showed Hank too and got a first in her first jumping class. Mine was ehh

okay, I still placed 5th, it was hunter over fences. My Equ over fences was going much better... until for some reason around a turn after my third jump Hank fell front first so that his nose hit the dirt and I went flying off into the dirt as well. So DQ which sucked, I made up for it in Hunter under saddle which I got a 1st, and especcially Equitation which I got a 2nd in. I also got a fourth in pleasure. Hank was an angel despite the fall. Danielle did great too, she placed in evrything except roadhack, there were a lot of riders. Her hunter hack was awesome.
Hank had a great day. After the show Mike and I got dinner it was our 1 year anniversery, unfortunatly later that night I passes out I was so tiered from the week.

My last couple days were spent with my friends and Hank, a great day to the beach and one last long night at my house. Some great rides, and some people came to look at my good partner for lease. I also sent A.J.'s gift for our Aug 4th b-day. It was late, but she did get it. Thursday afternoon it was off to downtown Columbus to move into my apartment. My cat Snowflake took to car ride poorly, but to the apartment greatly. Mags my roomie came down the next day. We finished all the moving in Sat night. I immeditally took pics to post, but I could not post them until Friday at the end of the week, becuase that was when the cable guy was coming. Saw some firends on Sunday, and did some exercises, started reading a book about a westie in the city and an author, it's good, just like my dog Jazzy.

Monday was classes. It felt good to be back on campus I missed the atmosphere so much. I did get quite a bit of homework, 27 drawings just for one class. Found a super walmart, baught Bleach season 2 for cheapppp! yess! uhh can't spend anymore munnies though. And a sweet big bookbag for 20 bucks which I kinda needed. I also got an on campus job thanks to my friend KD Brenn. The apartment is in walking distance from the school. Got a meal plan, money in the school store, a parking pass.
Thurs night Jay and Jason came down at like 4 in the morning. Mags and I went t our 8 a.m. classes. Later after class cable guy came, yay tv and internet! Then Mike and Jess came over too. Jay, Jason, Jess and Maggie then all left for home. Mags needed to get her new phone and a lab top.

Here's my scedule now:
Mon - 12:30-3:30 Ad & graph
3:30-5:00 work in mailroom

Tue - 7:45-12:30 work in mailroom
3:30-6:30 Electronic Illustration

Wed - 8:00-11:00 Painting(luv teacher had him once)
12:30-3:30 Ad & graph team (is a dif class)
3:30-5:00 Hist of Illustration (Funny guy)

Thu - 8:00-3:30 Illustration Methods (6 hour class)
3:30-5:00 work in mailroom

Fri - 8:00-11:00 painting again
11:00-2:00 work in mailroom
3:30-5:00 Hist of Illustration
So I am free after 5 everyday except Tues it's like 6:30. I'll be posting pics of the apartment and artwork soon. i'd love to work on that script too, or ya know at least write something. I did miss Columbus a lot, but I miss my friends and Hank just as much. Things our a bit shaky right now, and money is a big issue, but is it not always?

thanks for readin
luv ya all
miss. KTK

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/19923830/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/19923830/ Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:52:53 PDT
Aug 4th Mon -camp:6-2:00 meet Heather:3-6:00
Aug 5th Tues -camp:6-2:00 work:5-9:00
Aug 6th Wed -camp:6-2:00 work 45-9:00
Aug 7th Thurs -Columbus: 7-5:00 Lesson 00-8:30
Aug 8th Fri -camp:6-2:00 work: 5-10:00
Aug 9th Sat -ride 10:30-3:00 work:5-11:30
Aug 10th Sun -finish the god damn fair banner work:5-10:30

Mon -camp:6-12:30 Start fair drop banner off
Tues -camp:6-12:30 work: 5-10:30
Wed -camp:6-12:30 fair versatility 4:30-?
Thurs -camp:6-12:30 lesson 6-8:00
Fri -camp:6-12:30 work:5-10 (LAST DAY of WORK!)
Sat -Get Hank ready & ride work:5-11:30
Sun -Horse show
Then Monday I have to go to the barn but I really have nothing to do after that. Plez call me I'm bored and I miss you guys

I start school Aug 25th and I'm going down to move in the Thursday before.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/19744403/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/19744403/ Sat, 02 Aug 2008 23:10:51 PDT
I'm gonna be 20 in about one short day, and I can't seem to get anything accomplished. Maybe I expect to much, I try to set myself goals, but I just can't seem to reach them. My time just feels so cut short and it tears me up inside. For so long I didn't have anything that gave me purpose and I just wanted my meaninglessness to end. Something happened though, something changed, I got a challenge that I just could not turn down, the kind of challenge that brought out the real me, that I had lost. I had just needed some kind of purpose, something to work at. With this drive to be myself again, I could clearly see what really mattered to me. I don't know what is normal, to love everything or next to nothing? I have taught myself to appreciate everything I have on a level that may be to deep for my own good. This results in a struggle to let go of things, a struggle that some people never have to face, those who love little. How much room to people have to love? And how to people decide what is more important? These things I just can't do most of the time. I can't decide what's more important to me. I have made everything important and it all seems to matter to me. I dunno what I'm looking for in writing this, maybe I'm hoping someone will understand, or I'm just trying make, things make self for myself.
Well whatever the real reason I'm writing this journal is to list some long life goals basically. Things I plan and hope to achieve and maybe am a bit to naive to believe they ever will especially at this rate. There not in any kind of order.

One day I would like to be completely financially responsible for Hank, on my own, so that my parents would not be burdened to pay for something they can't afford and so that each day I wouldn't have to worry about losing him. When that day come I will do what ever I have to keep him healthy and happy.

No matter what happens and how many years go by, or how far away, I am determined to keep some very important friendships in my life. Even when they turn on me, or just don't care, I hope I can sway them back because they're just to damn important to me and I have lost to many important friends already in my past. They still hurt and probably always will.

I will never ever turn to something, like drugs or alcohol to fill the holes that appear in my life, I will not be bought into such things by people.

I will not screw up school, I will graduate and I won't let all that money go to waste. I will get a job when I graduate with my major.

One day I will write a book, I love to write and I have some stories in my head that I want to share with other people.

I aim to be financially responsible for myself entirely, I don't want a man to take care of me, ever.

One day in the very distant future I plan on getting a German Shepard puppy, in memory of Sheaba, and I also plan on rescuing an animal from a shelter.

One day I plan on making my mom and my dad quit smoking.

Those are some goal in my life that I have always had in the back of my mind, they may not seem important to some, but their all important to me. Some I work on, on a daily basis today, some I don't plan on doing until many years from now. Some I'm not sure if I'll ever achieve.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/18937872/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/18937872/ Thu, 19 Jun 2008 20:38:46 PDT
Sooo about being busy I'm also doing community service every Wednesday at the therapeutic riding center. I have to be there at like 9:30 and it's a bout 45 minute drive. It is fun though, and not hard especially if you know your way around horses. Speaking of horse's Hank is doing awesome. He actually seems happy to see me now too, because every time I come he knickers at me. He probably just wants treats . I talk to Danielle's mom today and he has been very good for them. I usually go out Tues, Thurs, and Sun mornings before work. Danielle has been going out on Mon, Wed, Fri. I usually give him Sat off and I'm always working to much to get out there anyway.

My friends... Amber finally came home and so did A.J. I'm so excited. I hung out with Amber and Jason at the mall one day. And Wednesday I got to spend some time with A.J. and shop. Then we met up with Sami for ice cream. Later that night I got everyone together in my basement for a reunion at last(except Jimmy who had to work) and it was a good time. We talked about the movie, I did my best to explain the story and we discussed improb or lines? We decided on mostly improb with some lines when needed. I spent some time with Mike today and I think things are going much better. If we run into any problems it's probably just because I'm a lousy girlfriend.
La Familia seems alright, my dad is about the same, my mom I think is getting better she just had her birthday 2 days after father's day. We're trying to plan a night when all four of us will go out to dinner. It's hard with our hectic schedules.

Honestly I dunno how I find time for everything and still get the alone time I need. I have fun doing it though and I am very glad I am a high energy person.

Lastly I finally posted the last of my freshman collage year work up, hopefully I'll have some more artwork that I do for fun up soon. I am so happy! All of my friends are back in good ol' Menner at last.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/18759200/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/18759200/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:44:18 PDT
First of all my family, my dad, he works all day nearly every day and he has turned into a stick. Sometimes he gets up at 3:30 in the morning to go to work. Not only that he is not making near close to what he was for all this work. I'm just so worried that the pressure will get to him in the worst way.

Now my mom, shes on the verge of break down I think. Between working and going to my hour away grandma's and taking care of them. Not only that the other day at work she got blood squirted in her eye, and that patient had hepatitides C. she had to go to the ER and get blood work done. Good new is it came out negative, and he dint have aids also it's minimal that she got anything.She has to go in, in another 6 months though.

Nathan, he has now moved home, his is the same old story. He is depressed. He really really is. But he is going to be working at Red Robin as a cook and I'm hoping being home will help him get out of this depression.

I feel like their all kind of spiraling and there isn't really anything I can do to stop it. Is busy and tiered as I am I feel like I'm the most stable one of my whole family
that never seemed possible.
The good news is as a family we seem to have grown closer. Were all living in the same household again. Although were all almost never home at the same time.

Myself I'm working nonstop and I am definitially Red Robin's bitch, their go to girl. It's okay, but it was a shitty week, I got screwed over so many times there. But Friday and Sunday night made up for it, I didn't have to work by myself. Lauren and Erin were there and I felt better about work again. Then today Kristen asked me to expo tonight and like the bitch I am I said yes, what a sucker.

As for Hank, he's doing well. He is now getting to go outside with Rambo. I'm happy he has a turn out buddy again, I know he'll be happier that way. I been riding on a regular basis and taking lessons again. When ever I come he snorts at me and it makes me feel good he didn't forget me well I was away. That horse has no idea how much he has affected my life and how he saved me. Being away from him was hard on me, but I know he got a lot of love well I was away. We found someone to lease him for two months of the summer. It isn't much, but every little bit helps. Her name is Danielle, she's young, and she has ridden him before. I think he'll be good for her and I'll still be riding him too. I'll do what ever I can to keep him in my life, if I lost Hank I think I'd be truly heartbroken, but things are so tight right now. Especially with gas, that sure as hell doesn't help, it's constantly on my mind.

My friends I have finally gotten to spend a day here and there with them. And it was great fun. We don't do to much, mostly just video games and movies, talking, except for memorial day... that day was beach, cookout and wii... But just getting to see them makes me so happy. I feel like I belong and that is where I should be. Anyways, usually to late, to broke, or to tiered to do much else. ^^
I have been really worried lately I had this disturbing dream 2 actually

A.J. was coming home and we were gonna meet at my house. I was driving home from my work and everyone had already beaten me there. so I walked in my house and there stood everyone. I saw A.J. first and I was so happy to see her, she looked exactly the same except one thing, she was holding a baby and was engaged. Ish also had a baby and was pregnant with another, Amber was married with one kid standing next to her, and mo was just married. None of them looked any different, or older, but they were. And I looked at myself... I realized what this meant. It meant things would probably be over, everyone had grown up and moved on with their lives, except me. I ran out of my house crying and it was pouring down rain outside, I was soaked within seconds. Mo stepped out and questioned me and I told her I knew we wouldn't see each other anymore and that is why I was upset. I don't remember what she said, but she talk me down and it stopped raining. I felt better and she told me to come back in. I nodded and stood up and followed her in and the last thing I said was, "You guys are all starting your lives, but I swear to god I won't be a grown up until I'm 40." Then I woke up as that sentence ended. It made me really think and question it. I think I'm not good at letting go, but one of my biggest fear is that my friends will let go of me and I'll just be stuck hanging onto nothing, we'll their living their lives.
Then when my tire was flat, I had to take in to the... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/18418126/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/18418126/ Tue, 20 May 2008 16:02:02 PDT My mom has been working or off at grandma's helping my grandpa and grandma live as he recovers from his heart attack. Her and my crazy aunt Susie have been switching on and off being with them. My aunt has been there more though, since we live an hour away from them. Nate, my bro, did come home. I didn't see him that much. I guess he is very depressed and I am worried about him. He is considering moving back home, and I kinda wish he would. My dad has not been around much either. They have been working him into the ground since his demotion, having to go to the restaurant at 5 am sometimes and not getting home until late.

As for myself my car is fixed and I went into Red Robin the first Monday I was home and they gave me a schedule right away because they just had a hostess quit. I was so worried about going back, but it feels good to be there again. I was excited that I got to work with Lauren and Nicole this weekend. Lauren's face was priceless when she saw me walk in, I guess nobody knew I was coming back. I did miss them and I have been working a lot. Which is good, because I am broke. I was worried about what people would say about my dad, but nobody really seems to know much so that's good. The bad news is there are some new airhead hostess who don't do their jobs. Oh.... wellllll... I sure miss Karen and Jackie though.
So I worked everyday, but Sunday last week, because that was the day of the Vally View fun show my old 4-h club was having. I wanted to do it for fun and also to get Hank out there... advertisement for a lessee this summer. I was out to the barn everyday, but one day to build up my muscles again. I did a lot of no stirrup work, but unfortunately you can still tell I have not ridden in a while. -.- I did place well though, 2nd and 3rds and a 1st in a jumping class. Hank was crazy by the time we got to the contesting, we got a 2nd in barrels and 3rd in stakes... When the hell did my horse learn to contest! Near the end of the day I was announcing. I sure do miss those people too, especially Kenna, Brooke, Hiedi and Anna. We found many potential lessees. We took Hank there the night before, and he loaded right up on Kenna's trailer. I had to go to work, but my mom saw him to Vally View.
Something very bad did happen there that day, my 4-h adviser Heather had a little Yorke puppy, and unfortunately the Silvaggio's dog attacked the puppy and killed it. I feel so bad for Heather, that is the second puppy she has lost. The first Yorke puppy she had was hit by a car. I myself know what it is like to lose a puppy. After we put Sheaba down(best dog ever and I still miss her everyday), My mom and I did lose a little puppy that we got that same year, to parvo. My mom was so depressed after that. So my thoughts are withe heather.
Other bad news, Kenna is a saint in the horse world and someone I really look up to. Her horse Sherman is amazing and they share a bond like nobody else. But Sherman has EPM and he fell one day. It's very serious, the vet told her he should be put down. I kind of think Kenna is not ready to do that yet. He's been lame for about 2 weeks, but he is getting better each day. I just can't see Kenna without, Oh My God It's Sherman. Back in the days I started 4-h I sure heard that name announced a lot, well before I ever befriended Kenna. If this horse is ever put down... it will be the end of an era.

My friends... I have not gotten to spend time with them yet and it is killing me. Work and the horse show kept me from planning anything over the weekend. Which is the best time because some have school and some have work during the week. I am planning on something, it's just hard too. I really want to see everyone. I have spent a lot of my bits of free time with Mike. And I mean bits. When I'm not working I am at the barn. I'm trying to get Hank fully on grass. I'm on 30 mins now. I did get to see Deanna yesterday for once, that was nice. I have been really tiered though and been falling asleep earlier, my mom was right when she said I'd be busy. Even so I am still trying to find time to write.

Las... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/17804819/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/17804819/ Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:05:46 PDT
This whole week I didn't get much sleep, Monday I just couldn't sleep, bad dreams, as well as late nights working on homework. I feel useless and I'm just scraping by. It's ridiculous why can't I just focus anymore! Then there is you guys, my friends I feel like I never talk to you all anymore. I don't get on my cp much and I have not been calling because I'm so behind in homework. I miss everyone so much. There was one thing I had planned I was going to go see Ish this weekend and I was really excited. I thought Maggie was going to go with me, but she ended up going home with Jay.

Then Wednesday my mom called me my Grandpa had a very serious heart attack he almost didn't make it. He ended up being okay, but he is going to stay in the hospital for a while. My mom, aunt and uncle are going to switch off staying with grandma because she can't be by herself. My brother actually was going home at that time so he went to the hospital too. I was glad my grandpa was okay, but then I kinda realized something. Nathan, my brother was really depressed. I asked him why and he said it hadn't been a good year for him or our family. I think he is still hurt over Anna, but he is true in a sense and I wanted to say otherwise, but I could not. I just didn't want to think that way.


The most embarrassing part is I didn't even get that far. I just was really worried because I was on my own and I wasn't sure of the way. I kept looking at my directions and it was stop and go traffic. And I just didn't stop in time... I pretty much destroyed the front end of my car and I cause two other people damage. I cried mostly out of fear, how could I have done this, such a screw up. I don't think I have ever been so shaky in my life except for the time my blood sugar dropped so suddenly during the jumping at my club's horse show. Now I have to pay a ticket, which I have money for in my savings. My family they don't need this now, to worry about me. Or to worry about how I'm going to even pay for damages if it is even worth. I just might not have a car anymore is all.

My Saturn is from 1993 and it was doing great for how old it was. It never did me wrong, but I sure did it wrong this time. I don't think it can be saved, or at least I or my family can afford it. At least nobody was hurt right? I'll just keep telling myself that. I gotta straighten myself out I really really did it this time. I'm just so fucking tiered of disappointing myself. Why can't I do anything right, ever!

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/17009770/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/17009770/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:43:10 PST
Secrets are cursed things people hold inside. It eats them up from the inside out and the more they can't say the more they want to. When they do come out is it a load off or is just worst?

My friends came over soon after, first Reese. I was still feeling down when she got there and plus A.J. had called me upset and I felt bad cause I could not talk to her at that time really. Mo and Julie got there next followed by Jimmy, Danny, Mike, Jay and Maggie, Jess and Cody and Jason lastly. I started to cheer up with them around. Sometimes I wonder if those are the only times I feel whole anymore. It's hard to feel down for long when your surrounded by those faces even though some of the most important ones weren't there. Maybe that was why it did take a while for me to cheer up entirely because of those who weren't there. They stayed until 4 which I am to blame mostly. It's hard to ask people to leave especially when truthfully you don't want them too. Woke up at 8 the next day and drove down to see Carly show Hank. I was just happy to see him honestly. I had missed him so much... This just made it more exciting and I wanted to see how they would do. It was his first time at a show like that, and he made me proud he did well.

All I have ever wanted for you is to be happy, healthy and for others to see you the way I do... Amazing. You gave me the challenge I needed in my life and you gave me purpose when I really needed one. You taught me so much and you helped me in so many ways. If I ever had to lose you, I'd just want to be sure it was to someone who saw you for what you really are. But god I hope that never has to happen, I don't know what I'd do.

After the show I spent the day with Mike. It was fun we went to the movies and ate at TJ's and got to play the Wii. We sat in the basement and I felt horrible when I saw my Snowflake meowing at me. I hadn't spent any time with her and I was leaving the next day and that cat lives for me. Mike and I spent time with her. By the end of the night I was falling asleep on him. We don't get much time and I go falling asleep during what little bit we have. How can you settle for someone like me? You don't even get to see me very much? Are you okay with that... are time never seems long enough.

After Mike left I realized I missed a call from one of my best friends. I called her back and she was crying. One of my great fears.

I can't stand to see you hurt. You mean so much to me. When you hurt I hurt and I can't even hug you... your to far away, so what good am I?

Didn't get much sleep that day either and Sunday there was so much to do, dad not being around hardly at all. He still manage to get my groceries which I was very gratefull. Thankfully my mom was home Sunday. I kinda broke down. A bit to much going on lately. To much to do, never enough time. A lot of my friends have been hurt lately and it just really got to me that day. She said I try to do to much I wear myself out. She says I need to do less, but I just can't sometimes. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to see my friends because I never get to anymore and it kills me. I want to be there for them if they are hurt so I can hurt with them. I want to see Hank because I love him so much. I want to see Mike cause I love him too and I feel like he waits for me. I want to spend time with my cat, my dogs and my mom. If dad isn't around I want to help out around the house more and keep you company. I want to do all these things even if it means no sleep because there all so important to me.

The drive home was a looong one, but I made it on some coffee. When I got to the dorm I finished my 3-D got to bed at 2:30 woke up at 6:30 on Monday. Every chance I got that day I fell asleep. I was so tiered. I was freaken drooling at the computers. After Monday the rest of the week has been just been busy with homework. I was happy when Sami and I fought over a marker for fun. Literally fought for ten minutes and a couple other good times. Made myself really sad a couple of times though, just thinking of you guys and looking at old pictures. Worrying about you all as well. If you didn't hear from me yesterday you will tonight. I'm going to call the rest of ya!

At least this week is over and my mom is coming tomorrow. Oh and Nathan got a Wii too! My brother and I can play W... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16793311/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16793311/ Fri, 08 Feb 2008 23:36:02 PST
Classes have kinda been a bitch. Good news I am getting much more sleep cause my classes stat later, and I get up at like 10 everyday except Mondays and Thursdays, it's 6:30. I have been doing okay with my hw, but I am slammed again this weekend as always. Everything was going great with classes, until my painting teacher screamed at me. That like ruined my whole week last week, plus the weather sucked. I was down and of course it made me homesick. I feel a bit better, except I did my bitching color concept project wrong and it's cutting out tiny pieces of paper. Oh and now I hate painting cause of the teacher and the tension. Why does this always happen to me!? I'm not a bad kid! I do my work! What the hell!

I guess the only reason I have been down is because of all the drama around me and I have been having a lot of nightmares again... I did not know I was supersticious(sp?) until I got here. Cause here I have so many bad dreams, and I forgot my dream catcher again...I have some good news bad news. Bad news my brother called today and said Anna sorta dumped him. She wanted a break because she is failing her classes and she spends to much time with him when in truth she is so busy that she doesn't according to him. So he was like screw you kinda. We'll see what happens. Good news is Nathan applied to Ohio State, and got in, and all his credits transfered. So he might come down here to finish his last year. The only thing keeping him was Anna, so we could live together still possibly next year... but we'll see.

Lastly I'm coming home next weekend and I am so happy about it. I can't wait to see Hank I miss him so much. Just the thought of him keeps me going when I feel like I want to give up. Also see some of my friends Friday night and play my wii! Spend time with mom and I have a date with Mike on Saturday. So I am so excited about it.
until next time
-much luv KTK
P.S. Another break up means my movie is ruined for the second time! You guys really don't want me to write this script do ya!?

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16506700/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16506700/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 13:59:23 PST The first night we went to the cool movie theater on High st. I had never been there, but it was nice, small but nice. We went to see Sweenie Todd. Gotta say it's really good, but I'm into Tim Burton movies so I'm bias. Jay even liked it though and he does not like musicals. Then we played some super smash Bros. Next day we got food at Barleys and since it was Maggie's day we headed out to Polaris. Did some shopping and guess what I found! Super Gals episodes 1-5 on DVD for 10 bucks! Yea I had exactly that in my pocket and yes I bought it! eeeeeeeeee

That was enough to make me happy until I though I saw wii's at the Gamestop and suddenly I remembered the money I set aside just for that (like I ever forgot) It felt impulsive so I talk to Mike and my mom about it. They said it's your money and if you want too. So I got 300 dollars out and after Maggie yelled

"That's a lotta money!" And we all shhhhed her. We went there, but guess what! They didn't have any. Now Jay who had gotten really excited was like,
"See I thought that was weird you're not going to find one... They're impossible right now." /

But since it was Maggie's day and she wanted to try Best Buy we agreed. Circuit City was closer though so instead we went there first. We looked and saw nothing, we were about to leave when Dan told us to ask. So Jay asked and the guy said,

"I think we are getting them tommorrow, I can check. There is a truck." We were shocked at this news.
Turned out they were getting them tommorrow and they were passing out vouchers at 9a.m.

Once we got back to the dorm and watched some much needed Bleach and DeathNote, followed by the Bender's Big Score. It was fun and then I fell asleep. Maggie and Jay were going to try and stay up, but when 5:30 came around. They were both sleeping and I had to wake them up. Well.... Jay at least... Maggie didn't get up. We got there at like 6:30, but nobody was there and so we went and got money. When we came back one couple was there and froze to death until 9. Jay was so nice he let me sit in the car a couple times and make a coffee run. We finally got it and then we kind of screwed around until 12 when the store opened. Then we got it! The wii! Jay bought another controller and the Bleach game with it. In exchange I made him and Dan take it. For two reason no distractions from my school work and two they will buy stuff for it. I'll get it back sometime around March just in time for Brawl. So basically we played that up until they had to leave. I already miss it, but I know they will play it and take care of it until I want it back. Meanwhile I still have my Super Gals!

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16425291/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16425291/ Tue, 15 Jan 2008 23:16:52 PST
I'm glad im back here in Columbus actually. I def missed my college friends. The dorm is nice and clean for now and since I'm not swamped with homework.... yet I don't feel stressed out. My new classes seem alright thus far. I think I’ve gotten out of the dorm enough so I don't feel cramped or depressed. The first day back we went to lunch in a small group and ate downstairs, Sami, Maggie, K-10, KB, Pei and myself and it made me happy to be back. Today we went to the gym too and that felt nice to work out. Basically I found this walking, pedaling machine (no idea what it is called) that works the thigh muscles that I use for riding. So maybe if I work out a couple days a week on it, it will help a little when I head back. It wears you out fast, but I stayed on it for a long time. I was able to by just distracted myself from the pain by putting my thoughts on Hank and the music I was listening too. Wow it is really nice to have an MP3 player! It makes life so much easier when it comes to listening to your music. Thanks dad!

As for Maggie, everything has been good she seems happier and I am too because of it. This semester Sami and Maggie and I don't have all the same classes. As sad as it is, it's for the best. I mean lets face it... we need breaks from each other, especially Maggie and I cause we're roomies too. Sami and I picked right back up where we left off with are stupid college humor. I could tell you a million things already, but it's not as funny if you aren’t there.

Also I have been pretty happy except when I think about you guys, Mike or Hank. I miss you all too much, so I push those thoughts away. That's okay though cause I know things will not have changed when we see each other and I'm looking forward to the summer. Riding and getting to see Mike and friends, it will be nice. Yea, but for now I'll focus on what I need to do at school and what's going on here, because lets face it... I'm gonna miss here too when I leave for the summer and everyone I have met here.

hahaha we watched some old DBZ episodes today and those are freaking funny. I had forgotten, the ones where Gohan is in high school and Goku comes back from the dead. Also I played the game Mike let me borrow a lil bit, well I have time I might as well cause soon I won't, ya know. Oh and I finally caught up on all the Bleach episodes in English and I decided I'm just gonna wait, cause reading subtitles is distracting. Other than that I have just been going to class and hanging out, doing some homework here and there.

Oh, I'm post my artwork up finally! Also some pics and lastly, guess what I am going to be working on. Remember our FF0 movie idea. Yea well I'm going to write it, but obviously there is going to be changes, so expect some phone calls guys. Discussions about that and just want to see what’s up ya know cause I luv ya all. ^.^

Oh... one more thing! So the day I got to school I found an email saying pets are no longer aloud.... shit! I already brought Omar though. So for now he is kinda under the radar and honestly I dunno it they will get mad over a goldfish. I mean he is pretty monstrous, I mean the damn guy won't die even though I won him at a fair like 3 years ago and put him a fire bucket. Iv's dropped him twice (accidentally) and he keeps getting bigger. It said uncontrollable dangerous animals.... cause ya know Omar is totally outta control, leaping out of his bowl bitting people's heads off and all. yea.... anyways I am not gonna drive all the way home just to take Omar back no matter how much my mom would love that haha ^.^ I do miss you mom, but that's just crazy.

So wish me luck on keeping Omar either hidden or hoping that they don't care!

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16278803/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/16278803/ Sat, 05 Jan 2008 23:37:52 PST First there is my family... My step brother Brad got married right before new years eve. I'm happy for him. Shannon makes him very happy she was a beautiful bride. She has two children, their twins, Parker and Peyden. I think they were six years old, they were so cute! My brother who I think really loves his girlfriend Anna... I don't think he'll leave her to come live with me in Columbus as much as I would love to live with him... My mom seems normal, I always worry about her though. I know she gets depressed sometimes, but she has her puppies. My dad has been really good. I'm a little worried though I don't really want to say much else about it.

My friends -sigh- Amber has already gone back to school and A.J. is leaving me day after tomorrow for Florida. It's just crushing me that were so far away, but I know when were together again things will not have changed in the slightest. Break proved that to me. Of course my momo who I luv and worry for I hope you will do what is in your heart's best interest. Momo chan I just wish you to be happy. My ish as well I'm so glad I got to meet Joe, he's truly crazy... sledding naked just proves that more, he fits in well. Of course Julie I hope Jason makes you happy and if not I hope you find the person who does make you happy. Then of course Jay, I'm really worried about him, I hate watching him get hurt and I hope Maggie figures out what she wants. Jimmy, I always hope for that kid, but I know in the end he can take care of himself. Christmas, New Years Eve, the sledding it was all pretty kick ass, I didn't want it to end. I <3 you all

Other things... well... I have been confused for a long time. I don't know if many of you guys really know, but I'm kind of a hard person to get close to in truth. I'm not the cuddly type and I have never been since early child hood. haha I remember one day I hugged A.J. and she was all freaked out cause I never did that. I mean now a days, hugging you guys is like second nature cause I’ve kind of changed, I think you guys did that... But I always kinda thought that was why I was so bad at the relationship thing, to independent and quite honestly I fear things. Like the L-word, it's scary! I still don't entirely understand it. All I know is Mike makes me feel right, and when I think something is wrong I feel so very down. He makes me laugh, he has gotten me to open up and when he is not around I feel like something is missing. Ugh going back this time around is going to be harder.

My ex keeps calling me though and what I realized is he makes me very angry. I just don't want to even be his friend. I wish he would just leave me alone without me having to be a bitch to him. I keep making excuses up why I can't hang out... uhhh leave me alone! He has a girlfriend now so why does he have to want to hang out with me? Plus, I know it would bug Mike if I hung out with him even outta pity, and I don't blame him. I don't want to bother Mike and honestly I don't want to hang out with my ex. I had not talk to him in four months and within a two minute conversation he manage to be an ass and really piss me off.

So a couple things ... I still wanta visit Kane, but prob not gonna happen. I got to see the hockey boys and the moms. Jimmy ( not our Jimmy one of the hockey boys) asked my brother why I, his sister, was so quiet. Ha! Well what would I have to say to a bunch of 22 year old guys that I’ve known since I was 2 but never talk too. I’m very shy, but still it's flattering, as well as Robbie asking my brother if he thought I was cute. Sometimes a girl needs to hear those things, it's nice to know they at least notice me even if I don't talk at all. My mom already told me she wants me to marry Jimmy. lol, but honestly I'm taken and that would never happen.
Also no matter how annoying the dogs are ya never notice how much ya miss having a dog around until they’re not around. They keep me company when I'm home alone in the day. Also my cat loves me to death won't leave me alone of course.
I did work again, and ya know it was nice. I missed Red Robin, but at the same time it's a pain. I hardly got scheduled, but it was prob for the best, more time for other things. I got to see Lauren, Jackie, Nikki, Nicole, Midge, Lisa and everyone else there. They make it totally worth it. They give the place life.

Been out to the barn everyday or every other, with the exception of the wedding. Hopefully Hank does not get depressed at the new place. Sometimes at new places when I get there and he's not eating I find him, head in the corner. That always worries me, it's not like him. It was a bitch to get him there, took a good 45 min, he got tiered though from the fight and caved, his tantrum got worst befo... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/15796897/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/15796897/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:15:49 PST I have gotten like 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and ya know what...! I'm still going. Truthfully I have not even hardly fallen asleep in class. Maybe for a minute here and there, but overall no. It's crunch time alright... color concept, digital, structural, 2-d how I will conquer you all!!!!!!!!!!!! I was up until 5 last night working on structural and I had class at 8. sweet... sorry my brain is a lil funny right now, but other than that im just great. i misss you guys, i need to get through this to see you allllll and i will even if i never sleep

who needs sleep
well your never gonna get it
who needs sleep
tell me what's that for
who needs sleep
There's a guy who's been awake since the second World War

I'm off to do color concept..... away!

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/15520887/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/15520887/ Thu, 15 Nov 2007 13:31:45 PST I got to see my friends, like Amber and Jimmy who I had not seen in ages, Momo, Cahn, Reese, and Jason. It was so great we didn't do anything, but when I'm with them it doesn't even matter what we do. I always have a good time and it felt like nothing had changed, like high school all over again. Jess, Danny and Jay could not come, but it's okay I'll see them. No Ish but soon and I can't wait! No A.J. but she’s always on my mind and Christmas is not that far away. My cat who missed me prob more than anyone and my Jazzy and the new puppy.
I got to spend time with my mom at the barn and my dad at the store and I don't even realize how much I miss them sometimes.
Lastly my boy Hank, I always question if he is happy to see me. And it seemed like he really was, but who knows in truth. I rode him Sat and Sun and it was great. I had so much fun and he was really good. It was like I was just learning to ride again where I could enjoy and work lightly not hard and stress myself out. I kept calling him snowball, cause he was white and fuzzy.

Good news me and mags are coming home late Tues night. Yay! We made official plans for Pie Giving this year. The tradition we started all of last year. The day after Thanksgiving Friday at 5:00 Bakers Square. Amber's going and a lots of people. I'm so excited. I promised A.J. I'd get her some pie and Jay has to work so we'll get him some too. This is why Break need to come! So I can see you guys again!

<3 you guys so much forever

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/15183398/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/15183398/ Tue, 23 Oct 2007 05:36:14 PDT
]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14962947/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14962947/ Sun, 07 Oct 2007 21:47:16 PDT
Thanksgiving break, whos coming home and when, pie giving again?!

Next summer, possible roadtrip????? Got some ideas, but if so we need to start planning it ASAP

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14828051/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14828051/ Fri, 28 Sep 2007 14:10:40 PDT
Bring
it on!

I'm so excited I get to see ya guys, and Hank! The update is..... SEND ME YOUR PICTURES PEOPLE, except ish, cause I got yours. I wanta update the site soon. Also on here, I am going to be posting up my high school portfolio soon. Hopefully some original work not for school. HUH that'd be nice to draw whatever I want for my enjoyment. NO TIME!

I'll be back on Sunday night

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14771354/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14771354/ Mon, 24 Sep 2007 11:43:22 PDT
That's not even why I'm tiered... I don't get to talk to people much anymore. Some days I don't even get on the cp even though it's right in front of me. The only people I talk to on the phone are Mike and my mom. He calls me every night around 9:30 for about an hour and my mom I call if she does not call me usually. As for the everyone else online usually.

This actually has nothing to do with my family either. But that does wear me out. Worring all the time. About my brother, my mom and especially my dad. I found out something on the night of versitillity a week before I came, but I can't say it on here. It wasn't good, but it was more shock than anything. Things were getting better though I thought, but that weekend I came home. Things were not good, worst than before. Now though I think things really are getting better, my fear is still there, but if I keep telling myself things will be alright.

I'm tiered of worrying about me gaining weight and losing stamina, and losing all my riding muscles. Loosing Hank' s bond, becuase I love that god damn horse so much. He saved me in just as many ways as you guys did. He gave me purpose when I had none

The thing that makes me the most tiered is I don't know what to do when I think about are group. I feel so lost, I dont want this to be over. You guys may not give a rats ass, but you are so important to me. I don't think you guys even know where I was before I found you guys. I just can't tell you either becuase of my shame. I can't utter the words for fear of what weakness and sorrow for me. I don't want to be the one you guys pity and I know you gusy don't now. I want to be the one who you guys come to instead as I have been in the past. That is what I have become and taking that a way is the worst thing. I want to beleive you guys need me as much as I needed you then, as much as I do.

Some people can let go of things so easily. I don't know how you guys do it. That is my flaw, I hang on for dear life. For all the friends I have lost, a part of me stilll hurts, when I think about them. Courtney, Elise, Stephani. Some of them just faded, some of them hurt me, some of them pushed me away. They could do it why can't I? How long will my list get? It bothers me when I think of people I will proabably never see again, like Erianna or people from art class.

I think actually this might not make sence I am very lonely despite the friends I have here. Despite the fact I talk to Mike every night. Things are just not the same. I wish Kane was still around sometimes or Martha.

That is why I am so tiered, I feel like I hang on so tightly to everyone, but you guys don't need to. You are probably better for it, you are braver and more independent and stronger than I will ever be. So funny you can follow my own morals so much better than I can. In the end please be happy, but don't spit on our memories just smile at them and maybe in the end I won't lose you.

Now I'm in this bla mood, but in like another 15 min I'll be back to myself and not feeling like anything is wrong. These things come and go for me. It really sucks. Why can't I just be normal, depressed one second and fine for the rest of the day? It just does not make sence. What is wrong with me?

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14483269/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14483269/ Tue, 04 Sep 2007 07:10:43 PDT so I will be posting again. Hopefully tonight! So some news... I got a new phone! And this one can actually take pictures! and I am currently at CCAD living at the dorms and I like it. Don't get me wrong I miss home. Like I miss you guys and I think of you all the time. And I miss Hank, Mike, Deanna, my Jazzy and my cat. But I am kind of glad to be away from my strained household right now. Things at home... aren't that great right now and it is nice to get away. I kinda feel bad saying that, cause I know my mom is depressed and I feel horrible leaving her with alone to handle everything. Like I said before my mom and I are best friends. I'm trying my best to think positive and I really hope everything works out. Coming home this weekend things were not good. I was so stressed my riding sucked on Sat, but on Sunday I took a deep breath and tried to chase away all the bad things and I had a much better ride. ^.^ Going to the beach was a great relief and getting to see amber, jay, mike and jason. I wish I had gotten to see momo, ish, aj and everyone. But it was better then not seeing anyone I didn't get hardly any sleep, so I'm running on coffee and right now i'm in class. We have a lot of classes here and a lot of homework, but it is nice, because we stay busy and I don't have time to miss home to much until night before I go to sleep. Speaking of sleep. I have been having the worst nightmares since I got here. I get to sleep easily and I am comfortable, but I know toss and turn well I sleep. Cause I feel tiered and sweaty, Why one night I woke up screaming thinking there was a scorpion on me and I was trying to kill it! Yea... not sure why i have been having these nightmares. Maybe just being in a new place... Well I brought my dream-catcher from home. So hopefully it helps. Not usually the superstitious type, but I don't know what else to do. Also found my camera cord! ^.^ So the website is going to be updated and it's going to take a while, but all of you send me your pics! Okay I got to go, I want you guys to know this your pics are above my bed, on my desktop background, my sn and your in my head! luv ya all <3 kaitie

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14214334/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14214334/ Fri, 17 Aug 2007 16:45:18 PDT
Everything was already a little insane, but now it's just worst than ever and I don't know what to do about it. Do you know what it feels like to think your family is perfectly stable and fine. I know some of you guys do. Only to find out right before you leave that it is not. Not even close. In fact it has not been 'fine' for quite some time. And you never noticed. I was up all those nights. I saw things, heard things. I noticed the anger and the hate. Why didn't I ever put it together. I have been lied to and the worst part is I never even imagined this could happen. I have been so fortunate for so many years and honestly I knew that. But I almost wish this would have happen sooner, because now I'm leaving.... And I can't make things better when I'm away. I prabably could not anyway, but at least I'd be there. I'm sorry mom. Why now?

Fair is almost over and I'm happy to say I did finish my mispelled banner. It was late, but it looks great. Just the stupid 'sponors' part. I'll fix it before I leave. I put Sherman on it to dedicate it to Kenna. She deserves that, I was suppose to paint a pic of her horse for her anyways a long time ago. Plus she does everything for everyone. I'm going to miss her so much. Put Hank on it too just so he would be remembered. Not many realize it, but he is amazing and he can do great things. As for english I had a really great ride and are jumping patterns were great. I know this, even if we were not recogninzed for it. Once that stress was over it was onto versitility. ehhh things did not go well. Hank reared in showmanship right in front of the judge. It scared the judge a bit, it just made me mad. After that we did great in english, I think we did better then the placing I got... but after the rearing I don't think the judges liked us very much. Then western... eh that was bad! Hank was already ready for the running part. He was way to fast and being an idiot. I slowed him down some, but not enough. He would not let me. Lastly contesting. My horse does not do that stuff, but we got third in that. Only becuase a lot were going so slow. Most of those horses can't run. Over all I got 9th. Not good and I was dissappointed. I had gotten highpoint in english advanced, but I have nothing to show for it and now I have nothing to show for versitiltiy. Normally I would not care, but it's my last year and I just wanted to proove that Hank is as great as I know he is. He just wouldn't let me that night. Now I fear it's to late. And that same night I found out that aweful truth... the one I just can't say. I know others have had it worst and I don't feel sorry for myself I just feel lost. I don't care what I lose as long as I can keep my horse. He's keeping me sane and distracted. It's not all bad though. I have my friends. I always have and I know I will be missed. One in particular who I have grown really close to in such a short time. You make me feel special and I have such a good time with you. I hate when it has to end. I am so glad I have you around right now.

To my firends, you know who you are. I'm going to miss you, but I won't say goodbye becuase I'll still be talking to ya all the time. Ya know it! I'll be annoying you. Seriously though we have had a great summer together, but, hey! it's not our last.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14096337/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/14096337/ Thu, 09 Aug 2007 20:14:07 PDT Sunday is barn decorating day then I go to my last day of work 4 to 8. To be honest I really love my job and I am going to miss working there with all it's great people.

Monday the horses come to the fair grounds

Tuesday Aug 14th
9:00 a.m. advanced english show and jumping
I suggest the jumping at the end, I dunno crazyness

Wednesday Aug 15th
8:30 p.m. versitility with deanna
I suggest this one ^.-

Thursday Aug 16th
5:00 p.m. Advanced contest show
If ya like watching speed then this one might be cool

Friday Aug 17th
9:00 a.m. Advanced Western Show

Saturday Aug 18th
8:00 a.m. Open jackpot show
Later that night is the sleepover and prank night so if ya wanta stay you can

Sunday Aug19th
You can come for the potluck! If ya want to!
I just wnata say if any of you guys do come please give me a call, so we can hang or if ya wanta watch or maybe even if ya need a ride. I dunno this last fair is very important to me. This me and Hank's last shot together for a very long time. This is me and Deanna's big bang....

Now onto other buissness I am having some very mixed feelings...I'm really happy right now, but at the same time I am a bit down. I'm not ready to leave this place. I don't want to leave my job, my horse, my friends. Not only that, but I have met someone who makes me feel very happy. When I'm with him.. I dunno I just feel at ease and like I matter. I don't want to end this, it's still so new. It's kind of not fair. Oh well I'll deal with it when it comes. For now I will let myself be happy. I luv you guys, please this is our last stand, understand? Maybe you don't, but maybe you will.
KTK -much luv- <3

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13720599/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13720599/ Fri, 13 Jul 2007 12:33:50 PDT Now I don't know what to do.
I promised myself I'd never be that girl
And look what fucking happen.
Until Sunday We'll see what happens.
Just know that I love you guys, my friends always.
<3 kaitie k

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13677411/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13677411/ Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:01:35 PDT Onto work well it has been nuts, but honestly I really like it. The people there are just great, Karen, Jackie, Lauren, Nikki. I know them the best and I love working with them. Also Brian, Katie, Amanda, Ali, Staci, Justin, Kim G., Kim J., Kathy, David, Chris and Matt. So many more. I dunno I'm really down that I'll have to leave the place now. Good news, Dom said I can come back and work on my breaks and next summer though. ^^
Now riding, I have been rding as much as I can this week despite the great heat. The 14th I am having the jumping show of my life. The Meryil Linch (sp?). Anywyas wish me luck. Training has been stressfull and honestly frustarited me to tears. I think the pressure is coming from this being my last year with Hank and I just want to do great with him, becuase I know we can do great things. I love that horse and he will always be first in my heart. It hurts me so bad to know that I won't get to be the one working with him this school year. But I know it will be good for him, he has got such potential. I know if I can find someone who will love to hate him and work hard with him like I did... I just know he'll be amazing even if it's without me. I'll never be able to repay Amanda for what she did, giving me the greastest companion I'll ever have.
Finally friends, first I got to say Sami I'm so glad your okay ^^. And Ish thanks so much for the ring and I want to give you something special. A.J. your note made me feel like we were saying goodbye, but ya know I'll be calling you like all the time. I dunno what I'm going to do when I have to go to school. July fourth meant the world to me. Running out of work at 9:38 and flying down route 2 at like 80 mph, windows down, music blasting, fireworks going off in every direction. Making just as they start, everyone waiting to greet me. I don't think I have ever been happier. Then that night at Ambers. Just had to tell you guys. Sorry it's so long as always.But I have not wrote one in so long and I prob won't make another for a long time.

So thanks for caring if you actually read this whole thing. It means a lot it's how I get my feelings out.
<3 much luv Kaitie K.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13404146/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13404146/ Tue, 19 Jun 2007 08:17:16 PDT

I decided when I go to college time management should be a piece of cake, how can life be any more busy then it is now? I mean take away, work, 4-H, horseback riding and just leave homwork, school and friends, maybe on campus work. It can't be that hard. I'm getting pretty good at it. I also discovered I like being busy, depression comes from lonelyness and bordem. I don't have time to feel that way.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13221842/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13221842/ Mon, 04 Jun 2007 22:37:40 PDT I heard a voice scream ‘Ah Kaitie King, woohoo were so outta here!’ and Laurens face
Scary Steve came into my head saying, ‘hi Kaitie, I luv you, glad were friends.’
Katie R. Came to me, ‘Said well Kaitie, nice seeing you.’
Spuzzy walked up to me, ‘Jeeze Kaitie you look like your going to fall over.’
Walker came up and laugh, ‘Oh god it’s Kaitie!,’ flinched, ‘don’t hurt me.’
I saw Jess’s spiky red hair and I heard her say ‘Kaitie King! OMG were graduating!’
Suddenly Rachel’s hand came just over my head, ‘Good luck little Kaitie!’
Katie Yuhaus , ‘Sup kaitie king, graduating!’
Meghen’s voice, ‘Oh gawd it’s Kaitie’ and she laughed.
Lisa ‘hi Kaitie!. I’m about ready to get out of this over with.’
K10's smile and her ‘Kaitie King Arn’t you excited?’
Sam Nummi ‘Kaitie King dance with me for the end!’
Kailie laughing, ‘Yes Kaitie, we are finally done!’
Erika ‘Ew Kaitie, this is going to take so long. Haha.’
Next I saw the face of Mrs. Wolski giving me a thumbs up, ‘right on. Kaitie.’
Mrs. Tonti ‘Kaitie, we need to get together this summer see each others horses, alright?’
Mrs. Sawchik smiling, ‘I’m so proud of you, and I’m going to miss having you around Kaitie.’
Mrs. Kane cackled at me, ‘I won’t forget you little Kaitie King, you have come a long way.’
Alice walked up with open arms, ‘ oh Kaitie you look beautiful, you’ll do great at CCAD.’
Then Marty came up, ‘hey Kaitie,’ held out his hand, ‘gimme some change.’
Erianna walking up saying, ‘Hi Kaitie I am so ready to say goodbye to this place.’
Reese calling ‘Hi Kaitie!!’ Really excitedly.
Next Julie laughed and ‘Hi Kaitie, can’t believe were done, can you?’
I heard Jay scream ‘owww alrighht Kaitie! Hot Shoulder action!’
Maggie ran and jumped on his back yelling ‘Kaitie! My roomie!’
Jimmy’s side smile next, ‘Kaitie girl, wut up?’ Danny came up, ‘four feet man.’
Danny shook his head, ‘Oh please, you grabbed my leg! Ahhh Kaitie! this year has been great!’
Four people surrounded me.
Then a girl with a smile and tears in her eyes walked up to me, “OMG Kaitie I’m so scared. Hahaha.’then A.j. hugged me.
Another with glasses looked me from head to toe, ‘I’m not hugging you!’ Ish couldn’t keep a straight face, we hugged each other.
Another put a hand on my shoulder, ‘Don’t look so sad, it’s not the end it’s the beginning’ Mo said as I felt my eyes beginning to water and then she pulled me into a hug.
The last girl smiled at me and grabbed me, ‘Aw Kaitie don’t cry your going to make me cry!’ Amber said as she practically choked me in her hug.
I felt that tear fall from my eyes and I opened them. I wiped it away from my cheek. It didn’t actually happen, but that was how I imagined them, the people I cared about it. That was my bus ride there.
Well waiting in line, I went to see my friend ish, but I heard someone call, Kait! All excited and I was suddenly pulled into a foreign hug, but the arms were familiar. So long it has been since she hugged me, since she even looked at me right, it hurt me in a way, but I brushed it off.

Then the ceremony... I listened to the speeches and cheered for my friends who got there diplomas. Laughed at the beach balls lol. Then I myself limped onto stage they called my name Kaitlyn E. King, and it was kind of is a blur. I remember approaching the man. He said my name and I didn’t know what to say, I almost asked how did you know stupidly... I took his hand and he handed me the diploma. Then I walked away towards Mr. Speccia who congratulated me and used my name as well as Dr. Tonia.... ]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13193723/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/13193723/ Sat, 02 Jun 2007 19:35:28 PDT im gonna tell you the rest of this later it will take me a while to write out cause it keeps making me sad so i have to stop.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12932876/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12932876/ Sat, 12 May 2007 18:15:33 PDT
The catch?

You gotta put this in your journal as well if you posted. And I will leave this part up for a long time.
And remember, if you don't post this in your journal, I'm not going to put your art up.

1. [link] [link] [link]

2. [link] [link] [link]


3. [link] [link] [link]


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Hey guys things have not been to great as we near the end of the school year. My mom is really depressed. For those who don't know, my mom and I are best friends. ( I know rare for an 18 year old girl and her mom to be friends.) And there is just so much going on and then a lot of my friends are having their own problems. I wish I could help. We'll pull through guys, somehow or another. Fuck the world and it's cruel ways. We'll be alright. I'll make sure of it!
kaitie

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12887201/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12887201/ Tue, 08 May 2007 11:29:04 PDT
As for this other crap with aj, I don't fricken care right now, I don't want to deal with it. I wanta know the truth before I get angry, but I know aj and right now when i see her i just feel hurt. If she really did that to me, why? Did I deserve that? Did I have it coming or could it be that she cares more about a guy's attention to her then about me. I'm just to tiered to confront her on the matter right now and it hurts to think she could do that to me. Everything is just making me sick right now. I need a break.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12828877/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12828877/ Thu, 03 May 2007 14:28:11 PDT
]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12673399/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12673399/ Fri, 20 Apr 2007 21:35:05 PDT So based on these things I decided to go to school today on 4-20. There were three cop cars in the parking lot and the school was empty. VERY empty. Like about five kids in every class. There I met up with the four people who really matter to me. And we joked and laughed. And I went to art class where we had a total of 6 people besides the teachers. That was most of my classes today. We did nothing and because of that the day dragged on... But despite that I learned more today then I probably have all year. So the longest day of the school year finally dragged to an end and I can honestly say I heard no guns. In fact the day was quite uneventful.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12611234/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12611234/ Sun, 15 Apr 2007 20:31:58 PDT
]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12395550/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12395550/ Fri, 30 Mar 2007 22:49:59 PDT A case of mistaken identity, there is another caitlyn king who rides horses at MHS and she was on the announcements. People thought it was me and so did I. I went on a quest to discover the truth, but failed to do so until much later. I learned something near the closing of the school day. That people can come together no matter where they come from or who they are and show respect together. My English teacher was lecturing my English class in the last few minutes of class. Despite how I disrespect that lady along with my classmates when the bell rang and she wasn't done talking about what happen, nobody got out of their seats. Even the kids you thought wouldn't care listened together and with respect until she finished what she had to say. That amazed me and made me realize what a tragedy really is.
So after school I bought my mom some candy as an apology for making her late. Then went to my lesson, Hank was so good at first and then he was a jerk! Martha made me get off him and we lunged his ass then I got back on. He kept faking me out that he was going to run into things. Then I went to see the new barn Hank is going to and then it was home. I watched Happy Feet with my mom who wasn't mad and then I was about to leave to go meet Mike with Ish. Well my car's muffler broke or something so I got to take my dad's nice Toyota. Anyways it was fun at Applebees and I'm really glad I went. I think that is what made my day. Well that’s it! Sorry It's long it's been a longggg day.

]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12234229/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12234229/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 15:04:15 PDT
]]> ~ami-kintshu http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12056907/ http://ami-kintshu.deviantart.com/journal/12056907/ Sun, 04 Mar 2007 16:37:17 PST [X] You have your own room.
[x] You own a cellphone.
[] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.
[x] Your parents are still married.
[] You have more than 2 best friends.
[x] There is a swimming pool in your backyard.
T OT A L: 4

[X] You dress how you want to.
[x] You hang out with friends more than once a week.
[] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.
[] You have never been beaten up
[] You never cry more than twice a month.
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[x] Your room is big enough for you.
[x] People don't use you for something you have.
[x] You have been to a concert.
T 0 T A L SO FAR : 10

[] You have over 50 friends on myspace
[x]You have pictures on myspace.
[what they don't know won't kill them] Your parents let you have a myspace
[] You get allowance
[] You collect something normal.
[x] You look forward to going to school.
[] You don't wish you were someone else.
[x] You do a sport.
[x does going to the barn count?] You do something after school.
T 0 T A L SO FAR:14

[x] You own a car.
[] You usually don't fight with your parent(s).
[] You are happy with your appearance
[] You aren't self-consious at all
[] You have never got a failing grade in your life
[X] You have friends
T 0 T A L SO FAR: 16

[X] you know what is going on in the world.
[X] You care about so many people.
[x] You are happy with your life
[x] You usually aren't sick.
[] You know more than one language
[X] You have a screen name.
[X] You own a pet.
[X] You know the words to more than 5 songs.
[] You dont have any enemies
[x] You are happy you're living.
T O T A L SO FAR: 24

Now count your numbers and multiply by three.

Then title this " MY LIFE IS 72% HAPPY

]]> ~ami-kintshu