http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:amptcat&section=today deviantART RSS for by:amptcat en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:04:38 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26681736/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26681736/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:57:44 PDT My anguish will not inspire violence or bad poetry, and, if i can help it, hurtful words. Perhaps i will whisper them to the shadows and let them dissipate quietly, victimless. Perhaps i will pray, letting my words fall on the deaf ears of heaven.

or perhaps i will consort with demons.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26652277/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26652277/ Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:40:07 PDT
What the hell ever.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26259862/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26259862/ Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:02:15 PDT
]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26079131/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/26079131/ Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:01:08 PDT
*happy*

m'a'go write summore

*touching the lips of tinuviel with silver hopes and crisp morning dreams.*

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/23241483/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/23241483/ Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:23:29 PST
]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/21065069/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/21065069/ Sun, 19 Oct 2008 14:25:07 PDT in the tones, mumbling incoherent drones into the night
HAHAHA! I love a good fight, drawn out
sore legs, long walk, fall nights
numb fingers

I will hurt myself with frequency
and deafen myself to all catasrophie surrounding me
entrapping and overlapping all the dreams I had
so long ago, long walk, this is my life
Slowly, but surely,
numb brain

I will laugh in the face of fire
HAHAHA! I win! always and forever
blackening, seared around the edges, gutted
Massacred and, as always, so very utterly alone
You learn to smile a different way, and laugh
only when you notice someone, ignorant to reality
Has the audacity to be hopeful
numb heart

Mmm, I love the smell of silence
Like water, still and uninterrupted
solitude, festering, eroding, do you know the feeling?
Do you know, when your very being
slowly, but surely, is stripped away?
When your god, whom all your life is there for you
saving you, protecting you, giving you something
to look forward to, loving you,
the single and undoubtedly most unconditional thing
of your entire life, is false.
There is a deep and unimaginably profound loss
An emptiness inside yourself so vast that you
wonder how your skin retains its shape
There is nothing left of you
And no one left for you
you are lied to, you are a pretend-thing
If everything you once believed was imaginary,
What are you? Much better?
numb faith






I have stared into my hands and seen warm, loving places
Within numb fingers, welcoming, waiting
I have within myself searched the vast reaches of infinity
And found that i am utterly blind
I have faced some countless faces of insanity
Danced on fiery rims with countless devils
I have teetered along the fine line between here, there
And the ever-after, and never fallen so low
I have had faith, the very thread that holds my
Shattered being together, ripped from me
Only so that I, breaking and weary and hopeless,
May painfully stitch myself back together.
I am in a place of darkness, hatred, insanity, hopelessness
Hardship, betrayal, pain. We all are.
We come to terms every day, with the fact that we are all dying
And sometimes, for some of us, it seems like a relief.
The thought that, this, will not last forever
That someday, you and I will be somewhere together
And even though we are so different, so small
So tattered and hateful and imperfect
We'll be able to look at each other and smile
and say, "Well, that didn't last forever, did it?"
No it didn't. No it won't.

In the mean time, you give me hope
You show me something good in this thing we put ourselves through
In the mean time, you make me happy.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20946259/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20946259/ Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:58:44 PDT I want to watch a war
I want to cause trouble
I want to decay the hopes and dreams of children
I want to get revenge
I want to be victorious
I want to assume control
I want to take it too far
I want to kill for no reason
I want to enjoy the smell of blood
I want to watch it crumble at my feet
I want to be beyond saving

"I wanted to destroy something beautiful"

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20817727/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20817727/ Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:44:53 PDT as harri tries to listen for the important notions in the debate - he fails this task
His mother is warning him of downtown riffraff
of the stoner with the peace-sign handshake ritual
and the mumbling old turkey-faced man on the bench beside him
He is the observer in a world full of beauty
trying, as most do, to become ever-twined with the things
that bring him joy.

Where is alex when the shirtless drummer with the nipple peircing
and the cigarette dangling dangerously from his mouth
with his brother hopping to his own coos and roars
tinted with satirical political banter
and the husband with the funny face splintering
what we thought our minds were with his guitar
spewing his drunken nonsense while his spectacles
fall from his slippery nose

Where is the who and the painter, beautiful
where are sounds when my dreams interrupt a boring slumber
i am singing a different song

Let's all start a fire

Anarchy is allocated with the fists of a hawk
choke-hold hold'um pinned down, straddled
whoever said "keep your chin up" lied
thanks pa, now look what you've made me
do?
scratch that

Kxerschze, receiver of dreams
We are not here to deliver your souls to god
we are not here to sell your souls to satan
But know this; that we are listening
and if you sing a song we like
our feet will be tapping to the rhythm of your heartbeat
as if we were in love

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20768502/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20768502/ Tue, 30 Sep 2008 21:52:34 PDT Within this idea, is a soul.

But query, wonder wildly, i suppose
a work of prose appropriately disposed
for rhyming schemes seem far more pristine
to show you all what this can mean.

You see, the idea comes as naturally
as fiction comes to dreams
Interweaving, cleaving hallways
Always in the mirror of your mysteries.

Twirling 'bout your head, my dear
is a twilight bulb dim, but so obscenely marvelous
it did drive tears! Provoke me, temp my ears
sweet sound malady crippling my already
unsteady inhibitions...

I give your mission permission!
give no omission for a missionary's mass
the day the priest wanted a kiss
and only got an ass - my-my, how ridiculously crass

Bridging calm with harassment
connecting ties to treason - what reason have I
to cry for fallen statues in the sand
fallen castles in my hand

Mm, blood-drenched delicious drips demonicly down
my sweater, all the good times getting better
Let her dance her tears away - play a song unsung
For two-million days - just round it
there's no need to count around it

1-2-3, I believe this sudden sickly reaper
Beseeches us to have him leave!
does my sight go now? or have I seen
the death avert its gaze upon the dying?
Would i be lying if I said i wasn't laughing...

Praise be to breaking
I, like I, would know that face
like it were faking being me, if i were to see,
a mirror image committing treachery

Murder the reflection that portrays your poorly
and as for the shards, just let them adore me,
the offspring of shattering memory - bores me
Let the children die, I say
and let the children die.

If they become our future!
Then we become the past!
This is your last chance redemption
for the life the you've let pass.

Within this head is the idea
within the idea is a soul
in the soul is a sanction for all that is holy
for all that is holy is diamonds
In a wold that needs coal - do burn!
Do burn the witches - fuel the hungry fire
with innocence and torture all
the pestilence with luxury - for the life of me
hypocrisy has carried me to madness!
Madness carries on in my head
and seeps into my ideas
which creep into my soul.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20643607/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20643607/ Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:13:48 PDT in an array from year to decades away
They're bending now, pretending to prey
inviting me to understand my yesterday.
Hold the rope - tie it tight and drown down
wrap-around noose-knot triple-cascade three-fold
flounder.
Found her laying with her blues,
and simply not caring whether i was there
or not? verywell then.

Ha, ask me if i'm watching, ask me if i care
ask me what i think about when everything's not there.
Hand-holding had held back dams damning us - snapping
oh my, seems we've tapped the great torrents from their napping
slow though, and appealing, relieving little if none
and i wonder - Where will i go when it's all done.
Ask me what i'm staring at, ask me what i'd die for
ask me what i obsess about, ask me what i'm here for
ask me what floods my ears, my brain, my mind, my soul
ask me what i break about, i fake about,
ask me about this hole in my agenda, in my logic
in my educated guesses - turned into omission and sad messes
ask me what rends me useless, leaves me wordless and dismayed
-the source, the basis, roots of my infinity perplexion
Ask me where to find the face of it
but it's in your reflection.

"I spend all my time asking what you're thinking about
But you never seem to ask what i'm thinking about
and i'm always thinking about you"

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20543908/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20543908/ Wed, 17 Sep 2008 19:37:22 PDT because god's smile is for no one in particular
just floating off into space in front of everyone's eyes
gleaming as they offer hope that he cares for them,
depending on him for some kind of false security
So that they don't have to be faced with the possibility that
One day a cat will blink and destroy the world

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20513712/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20513712/ Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:20:38 PDT
My birthday was on wednesday, it is now the following monday. in my mind, my birthday celebrations have lasted thusfar and are only now ending. Interestingly enough, the collection of days in which i celebrated my 18 year on earth were marked by hibitual cigar-smoking, which stopped sunday, so i suppose that was the end to my birthday revelry. I had much fun, recieved 3 real gifts, all from my mother, bless her soul, and all three of which were things i greatly enjoy and appreciate.
the events in which i partook durring the celebration of my impending physical decline were as follows:
Bar Mitzva Card
Cigars
Calzones
A day i dont remember much of for some reason, but which involved cigars
Tearing off roof shingles shirtless while smoking cigars
break for eating
Lining new shingles for roof while shirtless smoking more cigars
smoking cigars on back porch with friend and friend's mom
Fatigue-thick jokes before bed time
Pain, involving inability to move arm due to prior work on roof
good movie, Burn after Reading
Kryssykins!
Kryssykins driving
Amikins, dalton, dalton's girlfriend, kitties
Kryssykins driving
Mall, bought new jeans, pretzel, good times
Ami's, sleep, mom driving me home
another day, uneventful, full of pain and soreness

was a good birthday

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20282380/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20282380/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:46:36 PDT processing procedes to the families of over-seas
and a familiarization with the language location south-east
of eastern south carolina, AK-47 M41!
M41's a plane, right? why does that make sense - it doesnt!
sense is seemingly vast in the vastness of nothing, but nothing
never seems to realize it's vaster! Overtaking and enclosing
the sphere of our existance is a force of stillness,
staying and unmoving, never living, never dying-
HEY LOOK, MA, I'M FLYING!
and the tick-tick-tick tock clock had an epilepsy problem
no-one cared to fix, it's falling sickness!
Roman robo-trippers poison for the acolytes of satan
sitting blinded by the animated amity-ville horror
of a pagan tradition! painted blue in blood and hollers
X's, goats, blood, and, of course, the professional torture devisions
YES I RENTED THE HBO SERIES, WHAT OF IT!?
its rather full of useful little tidbits for an
urban culture author to exploit into a ridiculously long rant
about nothing! which should have stopped somewhere at
"hey, i should right a-"
NOVEL
right a novel you lazy, fat fucker before you amount to nothing!
- - - - - - - - is all there ever is, untill you look away
from fiscal properties and find my girlfriend's a big plus
but no bigger than nothing, nothings bigger than nothing
which is probley where this should have stopped.

*EDIT* uhhh so my bday's in 8 days.... huh.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20069684/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/20069684/ Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:33:13 PDT
Riff - riff, as in, a repeatable sequence in a song, comes from the latin word Reffeus, which means "Repeating"

Game - Game is actually the romanian word for "kite"

Gerbil - gerbils got their name from the south-African phrase Gebi-gabi, meaning "round-nosed"

Skinny - in 18th century russia, the word "saknsi", meaning skinny, was used almost exclusively to describe sausage.

Mouse - As far back as ancient greece, long before computers, the word for Mouse was used as a slang for "whip", as it was used to control animals and slaves. This, of course, factored into the naming of the modern utility

Skanky - The work Skanky, meaning sexually devious or horny, comes from the polish word Shaschkli, meaning "pervert"

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/18434599/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/18434599/ Wed, 21 May 2008 16:39:50 PDT On Tuesday, May 20, 2008, around 3:00 a.m. I tried to kill myself by taking forty to fifty assorted Advil and Tylenol pills.

In a moment of extreme exhaustion, paused by a desperate guzzling of energy drinks, I somehow got it into my head it was a good time to die. There was very little sadness in it, though I did leave a note to a loving friend asking many questions I now realize I would have never gotten answers to. After writing the note and watching her sleep a while, I went to the kitchen, retrieved as many pills as I could find, took some peanut butter to have some food in my stomach (I had not eaten for about twelve hours) and slowly took the pills by twos or threes with sips of a water bottle. After that, I left the house with the water bottle. There was an apartment complex a few blocks away where I could sit in the entryway and stay warm until I died. I remember not wanting to be found, so no one would think I wanted to be found. I also remember laughing on the way there a little and saying to myself “I’m going to die.”
Several hours later I found myself inside the apartment building, having blacked out and apparently wondered in with the code I’d found out from a friend. I’d been knocking on peoples’ doors for about an hour when someone woke me up and I apparently heard the word “cops” before I left. It’s about this time that I regained consciousness and a realization that I would not be dying. I had the desperate urge to hide that I’d tried at all, or it would look like an “attention thing” and I didn’t want it to be an “attention thing.” I didn’t think about dying then, just getting home, maybe hiding the pill bottles and pretending nothing had happened, but my mom happened to be driving by and stopped and I got in, wide-eyed and scared looking and very hard to understand. We went back to get my friend and then went to the hospital. I don’t remember much of this time other than what I’ve said. I think I remember my heart beating very fast and my voice sounding very slow.
At the hospital they laid me down and hooked me up and had me drink what they called “charcoal” which tasted just as appetizing as it sounds; but I obligingly swallowed it, leaving most of my face and fingers black. Even as I type this, some still lingers on the sides of my nails. After the ambulance ride, I began to vomit black. I had an I.V. in my right arm, which would stay there all day. My mom cried next to me when they made me answer the question, “Did you intend to die?” between my vomiting. I remember wanting to stay somber-looking while my mother cried and was ashamed that I had to stay hunched over spewing black into a bucket.
I spent that day consoling my mother and telling everyone I didn’t know why I’d done it in the first place. “It was all very murky,” I’d say. I’d forgotten how exhausted I’d been, I’d forgotten any thought I might have had. The only question I could really answer was if I intended to die or not, to which the answer was always yes, and that if I still wanted to die, which the answer was always no.
When I could, I read. I had been reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher. As I was reading, I came to a section entitled, “On Voluntary Death” which I’d like to recite here:

“MANY DIE TOO LATE, and few die too early. Still the teaching sounds strange: ‘Die a the right time!”
Die at the right time: thus teaches Zarathustra.
To be sure, how could those who never live at the right time die at the right time? Better if they never been born! – thus I advise the superfluous.
But even the superfluous still make a great thing of their dying, and even the hollowest nut still wants to be cracked.
Everyone one regards death as an important matter: but as yet death is not a festival. As yet men have not learned how to consecrate the most beautiful festivals.
I show you the consummating death, which shall be a spur and a promise to the survivors.
He that consummates his life dies his death triumphantly, surrounded by those with hope and promise.
Thus one should learn to die; and there should be no festivals where such a dying one does not consecreate the oaths of the living!
To die thus is best; but the next best is: to die in battle and to squander a great soul.
But equally hateful to the fighter as to the victor is your grinning death, which steals near like a thief – and yet comes as master.
My death, praise I to you, the voluntary death, which comes to me because I want it.
And when shall I want it?- Whoever has a goal and an heir, wants death at the right times for the goal and the heir.
And out of reverence for the goal and the heir, he will hang up no more withered wreaths in the sanctuary of life.”

“Thus spoke Zarathustra,” as they say.

He that consummates his lif... ]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17950382/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17950382/ Sun, 20 Apr 2008 19:17:17 PDT you do think i'm stupid, dont you. you have to, or at least find something wrong with me. there's something wrong with me isnt there? i'm defecting, malfunctioning in some way in the machine of mankind, i have a crooked cog, a loose screw somewhere i can't reach with my fat little hands, don't i? everyone does. everyone has parts of them they can't reach that eat away at them, that's why we go and look for people to help us, to touch us the way we need to be touched so we can feel fixed and the technical knowledge of these inner workings is called love: the ultimate blueprint to fulfillment and happiness, the euphoria and nostalgia is a side-effect of having nothing wrong with you, everything running smoothly, all green-lights and such and god DAMNIT i hate you all so much. i hate you all so damn much i could just explode, i could, and i'd wish you'd eat my little pieces so i could fester inside of you and whisper to your gut the way mine has wretched for every betrayal against me, every false word of promise, of happiness, of affection towards me, because in the long run, in the big, wide, long run, we all die. all of us. every last little shit on the face of the planet will die, and every death will be preceded by either happiness or misery. now guess. guess, you slimy little nothings, squirming around in each other, i dare you to wonder at what good old me will be thinking when i bite the bullet. if you're thick, let me relieve the cerebral pressure for you:

i hate you all.
i hate all of you disgusting little things.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17872589/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17872589/ Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:40:24 PDT The feeling or expression of excessive stresses from multiple or intense sources
lot of this going around lately
lot of people breaking down
like... cars
move like cars too
noisy and fast and mechanical
hate it
hate cars

Dropping out:
The early and incomplete ceasing of academic progress
Lot of this too
quitters, as the aspies say
especially reptilian ones
Always having to correct you
always being right, because they usually are
Dropping, falling, diving
wonder when they'll hit the ground

Making out:
The two-person act of engaging in oral relations usually involving lots of tongue and saliva i.e. "eating face" "kissing hard" "playing tonsil hockey" "trading spit"
lot of this i hear
not a whole lot i see tho
not to say i dont see any
but this is usually done in private
i find it... interesting
Dont really make anything
like making love
i dont get it

Betrayal:
AHA! and here we are you and i at a place where i have something to say and you will shut up and listen! i am sick and tired of you, you and your dirty looks and never looking at me, treating me like i'm stupid, you think i'm stupid? Backstabbing, slanderous, i hear it all, nothing escapes these ears, do people forget i have ears just because of my hair?
I'M HERE
I'M RIGHT HERE
and i will know it before you tell me because i have been told
i have eyes everywhere
and i will let you stab me in the back
because in hell i'll be sitting there knowing
and i'll wait for you
and then we'll see the look on your face

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17095810/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17095810/ Wed, 27 Feb 2008 20:41:38 PST
weeeeeeeeeeeee some people got mad

why get mad for taking of pictures? harri no understand aw well, now they on interweb, too bad for them

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17050332/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/17050332/ Sun, 24 Feb 2008 23:04:28 PST
]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/16396160/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/16396160/ Sun, 13 Jan 2008 23:38:30 PST

i will elaborate when I'm not exhausted

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/16159569/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/16159569/ Sat, 29 Dec 2007 22:47:05 PST harri

2. What's your favourite colour?:
depends, i like green but hate green hair, i hate yellow but shiny yellow hair is sexy, i love black but if too many things are black they're boring

3. What's your favourite food?:
the ones that taste good

4. Are you a squeamish person?:
a what? i squirm, but i dont squeam

5. What's your favourite animal?:
Kitty Cats

6. Biggest pet peeve?:
lies

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?:
YOUR PANTS...... holland

8. Do you cry easily?:
not anymore

9. Do you generally have a good, loving family?:
they like to think so, but in this family "love" means "money"

10. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
never have, prolly never will (this makes me sad)

11. Do you have many phobias?:
i'm affraid of a lot of extremes such as height or speed

12. Favourite genre of music?:
Super-mega post-modern pre-pubescent anti-christian uber-punk under-appreciated alternativityism

13. What's your thoughts on homosexuals?
I like watching them, they make me happy

14. Are you a trendsetter, a trend follower, or do you dress originally?
i have a vision of what i should look like that i've had since preschool, i strive towards that

15. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?:
i tried killing myself by jumping off my porch in the wintertime a few years back. unfortunately the snow was 3 feet deep and it didnt hurt at all... but it was really fun so i did it over and over again

16. Do you like school?:
ya, it's allite

17. Are you known to spend your money quickly?
nope

18. What time is it right now?:
12:43

19. Are you on the computer a lot?:
u becha

21. Pet hermit crabs- a good thing or a bad thing?:
they're okay, knew a guy once, he seemed to like'm

22. Leftie or Righty?:
depends on the girl

23. Do you have any scars/stretch marks, etc?:
not particularly, tho i do have a large unsightly scar on my back now

24. Do you have dull elbows or pointy elbows:
dull, cuz i'ma fatty

25. Timmies or Starbucks?:
dont like coffee

26. Do you have any sleeping problems?
Yip

27. Are you a shy person?:
not really

28. Are you a gift-giver?:
yip

29. Warm or cold?:
hmmm.... for extremes, cold, for room-temp, warm

30. Do you like meeting new people?:
not particularly

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/14566134/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/14566134/ Sun, 09 Sep 2007 18:28:37 PDT
i love pie
and hate thinking of journals to submit!

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/13749934/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/13749934/ Sun, 15 Jul 2007 21:56:02 PDT
In real life (IRL): my friend kryss is grounded for "not having common sense"

In my dream (IMD): Kryss is playing super mario brothers and can't get past the level called "common sense" and therefore her parents get mad at her and ground her for her incapability to complete the level

Also, i 'm married to some chick IMD and she's cool but i don't know her IRL .... in other words, i've never seen her before but in this dream (and i got her pregnant before marriage)

Also IMD, some weird army guys come and start raiding the city and kill me... but i just wake up in some rural area that looks like a gas station in nevada. Anyway, i somehow end up in a cooking contest trying to make the queen of the damned happy by cooking her the most grotesque food imaginable.

.... also there was a huge dude clad in black leather with a dog's head.....

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/13625529/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/13625529/ Thu, 05 Jul 2007 19:27:55 PDT In truth, because of those I most love.
I realize that they no longer make me smile. That their eyes no longer look to me and their laughter does not ring in tune with mine. I am estranged from happiness as would be a derelict son from the perfect family. Indeed, happiness has become quite foreign to me but in bits and pieces that only make me long for more that I find only in dreams I only wish I was having.
If only for dreams where one wants nothing, and gets a little. Oh how much it seems.
Yes… I could not look in the mirror when I saw what I’d become. I must dispose of this thing I see.

]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/13297245/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/13297245/ Sun, 10 Jun 2007 23:55:12 PDT
]]> ~amptcat http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/12325166/ http://amptcat.deviantart.com/journal/12325166/ Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:36:14 PDT If that thing could be put into a single word, the word would be
People.
They are simply the most fascinating thing on the planet, and I have studied them thoroughly throughout the period I consider as my life. There is one individual, however, that I consider to be… Perfect.
Mind you, I hate the word perfect, but when I use it here, it feels right, for she is only perfect within all her beautiful flaws. As most anyone who knows anything of me can already guess who I’m speaking of, hiding her identity would be pointless
I happen to be a fan of all things pointless, so we will call her
Soror.
Now, I have no desire to go into depth upon my love for Soror in this particular scription and the only one who really needs any understanding of that love is Soror herself, so we will leave it at this:
Soror is my everything, the reason I think, speak, and live at all as well as the reason I do these things the way I do, with very, very few exceptions.
So, with this obsession with her, you would think the mere thought of her would consume my world, but it does not. My subconscious escapes her, fills my head with other things and the longer I live, the more potent these other things become in my head.
Take, for example, a girl we will call Capricorn. She is not particularly attractive to my tastes. Her style of clothes and life are not what I think to be my preference and though her personality is kind enough, her views and values only further invoke my curiosity as to why I seem to strain against that physical barrier I feel with everyone but beloved Soror.
The previously stated physical barrier between these people and I love presents itself of this barrier’s effects inverts itself in my dreaming world. What I am saying is that people I hold lessly revered and lessly desired but are still found disrespectfully attractive are touched quite openly, sexually in many cases, which leaves my waking self with a vivid idea of intimate touch despite wielding the physical experience of it, which I then can recreate mentally and apply to those I hold ore highly revered.
These same individuals that I genuinely crave, however, receive less physical attention by my sleeping psyche, however often they may appear. Whereas Capricorn would receive a very familiar sexual advance, more attractive persons might only be subject to a loving, more affectionate, more respectful and cared-for relationship.
Dreams in which Soror are involved are in a league of their own. In these, Soror is always the highlight, a main character if you will, and no other character, including Soror, provokes any (or very very little) physical sexual advances as Soror is the only recognizable female character. My own relationship to her in these dreams is almost servent-like with deep respect for her and a loving adoration and admiration for her. In some, she goes even so far as to hold hands with another male character and no jealously is provoked form me by this until I return to my waking self and look back upon the image mentally.
All this leads me to believe recently (march of 2007) that I live two lives in their entirety. The one I currently write this document in, and another I live clips of in my dreams that only my subconscious remembers in its entirety which leads to the strange and unique thought and ideas I conjure out of nothing and yet still feel more familiar with than I do that they are random. This further explains the detail and thorough ability I posses to portray some of these “memories” in literary form because, to me, writing is just a resource used to remember. Whether it’s an idea, concept, image, or even just the beauty in the way one worded something, I write it down so that I should not forget.
We write the thought in hopes that it will not be lost to the next one, and it is in this way that a true writer will never stop writing as long as he or she can think.
-harri-

]]> ~amptcat