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]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1663781/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1663781/ Sun, 11 Jan 2004 13:39:06 PST
Mood: Thoughtful
Listening to: Little Richard - Tutti Fruiti

Not a whole lot going on. Been spending as much time as I can lately with Lauren which is nice, but its not even enough yet. Also just got a new cellphone which I've already made a decent usage of. Its pretty sweet though Im wondering if I did the right thing...

]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1571530/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1571530/ Tue, 23 Dec 2003 05:05:25 PST ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1548186/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1548186/ Wed, 17 Dec 2003 14:05:13 PST
Its funny though, I saw her Sunday night and I talk to her every night on the phone but I really miss her even still. I've hung out with her like four times, yet I feel I know her so well. I feel like being away from her is just wrong, and she felt so right in my hands, against my chest. :/ I really do miss her.

So, I started on my Christmas shopping this afternoon and got it basically all done. I need to find something for Hannah and Lauren, both are kinda tough cookies. Lauren suggested getting some charms for her Italian charm bracelet but I haven't been happy with the ones I've found so far. I'm sure I'll find something, especially since I've got even more time now since she won't be coming up next Friday

Otherwise, life goes well. Work is enjoyable, if at times highly frustrating. It pays the bills and every day I really do learn something new, so no matter what the aggrevation its worth the cost. My roommate and I are getting along pretty well, though there's been some tension lately. At times he can act extremely...immature. I think he does it as "hangin with the guys" deal but, it just comes off wrong. I've never been that type of guy to hang out with, guess its just a different mentality. No real problem though, just an observation and everyone starts to rub after three or four months of close contact ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1519427/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1519427/ Thu, 11 Dec 2003 05:10:53 PST When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that I'm probably gonna miss ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1496262/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1496262/ Fri, 05 Dec 2003 21:19:01 PST ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1319123/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1319123/ Fri, 24 Oct 2003 20:56:29 PDT ---------------------------------------- ------------------
And so around me I feel the beat,
a pulse of your leaving, that simple retreat
it fills the air, a simple vibration,
a telescopic insinuation of all your creation.

I thought for so long I was done with this.
The pain and the fears, the hearts and the tears.
Every night I played my chords,
and every night you played my heart.

Oh so blind, oh so foolish.
A man in love with his own perfect image.
I never saw your writings on the wall,
that pain inside you hid from us all.
Every night I regret being blind and foolish,
Every night I regret being a man above all.

And so tonight I come to you, bound and gagged.
At loss for words, alone and sad.
Every night I dreamed I could live without you,
every night I died a thousand deaths without you.
So tonight I beg you, please take me back.
So tonight I beg you, take my heart back. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1318890/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1318890/ Fri, 24 Oct 2003 19:48:51 PDT
Its strange how I've missed DA...yet how much it feels like its changed. Maybe I'e changed. Scratch that...I know I've changed. It all gets harder ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1188775/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1188775/ Sun, 21 Sep 2003 19:08:36 PDT
So otherwise...things have been interesting. I'm in the apartment, my roommates are pretty damn cool and I started my coop job. Things are actually going pretty dang well if I do say so myself. I'm still single but there's a VAST pool at Drexel this year...and I'm throwing my nets even further than that. Its gonna be harder considering I'm on coop right now but I think I've finally figured out who I am...and who I want to be.

Things aren't going so well with friends though. I lost a friend last night because of my own stupididty and drunkeness and then I lost a friend late summer because she couldn't grow up. I have a feeling I've also lost a friend here...but I don't think she'd agree with me. Maybe she just doesn't have time for me anymore...or I'm not needed (or wanted) considering things. *shrugs* Whatever. Life goes on and I think my peeps are already gonna try and set things up for me soon. We'll see. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1155584/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1155584/ Fri, 12 Sep 2003 20:22:07 PDT
I'll also be without internet for atleast a week. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna manage that one but we'll see. Then I gotta start coop but I'm not sure when I should tell SIG I'm done there. I just don't know.

Scared.

I'm so scared. Tonight was my last night of work and all my friends weren't there. All my friends are gone. Its a common theme. Scared. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1100404/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1100404/ Tue, 26 Aug 2003 10:24:34 PDT Its only when I'm unhappy that I can do art. Somethings messed up with that ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1054669/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/1054669/ Sun, 10 Aug 2003 08:08:34 PDT
Wow...I'm fucked ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/908235/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/908235/ Fri, 04 Jul 2003 09:49:24 PDT [link]

Im serious! CHECK IT OUT!

[link] [link] [link] [link] [link] ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/898495/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/898495/ Tue, 01 Jul 2003 20:42:53 PDT Work each day, all for nothing at all.
The few words I say, they mean nothing at all.
Drift away into nothing at all.
Find the grace to be nothing at all.
Fade away and end up nothing at all
at all at all at all. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/849888/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/849888/ Wed, 18 Jun 2003 17:40:34 PDT
I know I'm not the same, college changed me in so many ways. Made so many new friends, became so much more sure of myself, became less sure of what I want to do and where I want to go. Its all good though, hopefully I'll revitalize this part of my life. I've let my art fade too much and my blood rings with it. Its time to get back into the reality of art Thanks to all who keep stopping by and commenting, I'll repay it soon. I promise! ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/667828/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/667828/ Mon, 28 Apr 2003 10:03:23 PDT a flicker by the flame, a moment of intutition,
twenty ounces of pain.

Let the pain out, it makes
it better I just see the scars, the ones society's
after. It doesn't get easy, its no where easier,
the blood just draws out ten times quicker.

I cant decide if I should just fold, cut the cards,
fuck it leave me cold. The pains unbearable even
with the closest of friends, they draw a little off,
get burnt and are never seen again. I can't help it, I'm fighting for my life...what more could you want? An insurance against my pride?

I can't keep on fighting, the pains drawing me down. A rock in the river, rolling around it just wears thin, smooth on all sides, till finally...it fades with the tides. I know its too lyrical, a life lived with sin, just to start with...I won't fuck it up again.

Give me one more chance, a moment, an instant. I promise I'll make different choices, set new limits. I won't push too far, I won't make excuses and most of all...I won't lie to be accepted. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/647936/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/647936/ Tue, 22 Apr 2003 10:30:37 PDT ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/594297/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/594297/ Fri, 04 Apr 2003 22:19:30 PST
1.) A friend should be a person to talk to. This seems like a simple concept, and on the surface it is. Yet, how many of you who are called "friends" are really there for your friends? Who here would listen to their friend complain about how bad their day was, EVERY SINGLE DAY? I doubt half of you would, yet that's not the source of the problem. The source of the problem is instead that you expect your "friend" to always be there for you, yet you are never there for them. Who here is there for a friend, 24/7? You aren't? No shit! Yet this is what friendship is about, what a true friend is expected to be. You should be there for a person, to listen to them, to help them through their problems at ANY TIME. Right there, that disqualifies half of you as friends to your respective peeps, sorry to burst your bubbles but it gets worse.

2.) A friend should be a person to trust. Trust - what a foreign concept among our culture. Yes, we all instinctively want to trust people, indeed we NEED to trust people. I don't know how we could get through life without trust; it's the foundation of friendship. Yet, do you really trust your friends? 100%, completely and totally? Do your friends trust you with everything with in their heart; have you given them a reason to? I know that no matter how much I've given up for some people, no matter how much I'm there and I've sacrificed, they still don't trust me. They don't trust me with their girlfriends, afraid that I'll steal one of them away (again), and they don't trust me with some of their secrets. Yet, trust is the basics, the NEEDED quality of a friendship. You can't get by, you cannot have the needed communication of a friendship without trust; complete and total. I'm just as guilty of this as you are, there's things I haven't even told my closest friends and I never will because I can't trust them with it. I can't trust how they'll change if they know what I pray to god I'd have the strength to tell them, what I NEED to tell them.

3.) A friend should be a person to hang out with, someone who's always there. This ties in with the above...its all about trust and communication. Yet, how many of you in the past few months have extended the invitation of friendship out to others? How many of you have gone out of your way to involve your friends in activities? I know, looking at my "friends" that its pretty fucking pathetic. Whenever I want to hang out with people, I always have to do stuff. If I want to hang out, I got to make the calls. Hell, my "friends" don't even know when I go on spring break or not, they don't care to ask. That's fucking pathetic. if your my friend, I find out when your free and when your not. I make plans to try and get together with you and damn it I STICK to those plans. I don't suddenly bail on people unless family members died...to those of you who do others - fuckin FORSHAME. You aren't a friend; you're an acquaintance or a backstabber.

So does this explain friendship to you? I doubt it does, some of you are completely unreachable. Some of you could never understand what a friendship is, let alone understand the complexities of "love" in a friendship. How you can move even beyond the realm of this trusting and communication, how you can have a friendship which moves even beyond the love and relationship involved in a marriage. I am so sick of people stating "friendship" when they couldn't even take care of a dog, let alone a relationship with another human being. Friendship is communication, trust, and dependence. If you don't have any of those levels, you fail; it cannot succeed as a friendship.

Or maybe I just expect too much. Maybe I was raised to expect a quality and a level that is just not available in the mass of humanity that exists in this present world. Hopefully, if this is true, humanity will evolve beyond its present state in the next hundred years. I don't expect a lot anymore, no, you've knocked that out of me. The most I ex... ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/585686/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/585686/ Tue, 01 Apr 2003 20:00:06 PST
I mentioned that really, its nothing new and has existed (in some form or another) for quite a few years. He was startled, but not really bothered. To him, it was the new, greatest invention.

That got me thinking, weblogs really are becoming a mainstream thing, as this site can attest to. They are becoming so popular that the mainstream news agencies are reporting about them, and some people are even going so far as to say that weblogs will eventually replace mainstream media as the new form of distribution for information.

Yet, why are they becoming so popular? When one goes around and examines the majority of weblogs, they aren’t the ground breaking; news presentation sites that people are looking for. Instead, most are campy, personal websites that would mean nothing to anyone outside that person’s social circle. Are we really so exhibitionist in nature that we find some perverse enjoyment in putting our personal lives out for anyone to see?

In the real world, most people would be sued for privacy invasion for what they can read on any of the blog websites. It’s amazing how things change behind the mystical “obscurity” of the web and how people can really change who they are and what they represent with that safety net.

Personally, I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and more than a bit of a voyeur so it all works for me, yet I can’t help but chuckle. How many fights have been started because of a few words posted in haste to a weblog, thinking that person x doesn’t read the site when you’ve got to know they do since you told them about it. I see it every time I go to a Live journal, or a Dead journal, or a Blogger site. Hell, half of the weblog movement started and became popular and mainstream with the advent of Cam Girls. Its still mind boggling to consider that something so personal, simplistic, and unflattering could ever spawn such a large, mass migration. It really will be interesting in the next few years to see where web logging and the like carries, to see if it really does replace the traditional media forms or if it just continues to coexist as a nice, personal site design. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/565788/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/565788/ Mon, 24 Mar 2003 19:16:02 PST
To put it bluntly, "[my] grammar sucks." Thanks to the advent of spell checkers in programs like Word and WordPerfect, grammar has quickly replaced spelling as my worst characteristic. My use of the comma and semi-colon leave much to be desired, seeming to be placed almost willy-nilly throughout my writing. Teachers hate that and are quick to give me bad marks for this perceived slander to the English language. I agree that I should be given those marks, for they are trying to teach me the semantics of the language, the precise usage rules and requirements to write "well."

Yet, these teachers fail to understand one thing. I will never desire to be an English teacher and I don't wish my writing to be used to teacher other students, years down the line when I'm old and grey, how to write and use proper punctuation and grammar structures. I don't care about that, I write because I love to write. I love putting my thoughts and words down to paper and having people read it and go, hmmmm. My writing is based around the emotion I have, the emotions I want to convey, and for that my structure meets no real rules. Instead, its more of a free form, a meandering of my mind if you will.

That’s the primary difference between Sam and me in our writings, one he comments on quite often. He writes as someone who wishes to get published in a magazine (or has been), and I write more as someone who writes for their own website, a personal introspection which others might stumble upon. I can't really say that my style is better than his, for its just our own personal styles, each has their place and each excels in their own way. I just wish teachers would take a bit more understanding in this instead of being so quick to judge a work upon whether a comma and a colon are in the right places. They might find that more people will begin to love their writings for what they are, an expression of self. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/547197/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/547197/ Sun, 16 Mar 2003 16:13:55 PST

I got an idea for an article I'm gonna maybe write up tonight. See how burned out I get or not. Its about college, random thoughts and mussings. Should be an amusing read, worth slightly less than the pixels its printed on ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/534916/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/534916/ Mon, 10 Mar 2003 06:50:35 PST Two weeks till spring break
Thank god ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/525566/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/525566/ Tue, 04 Mar 2003 15:50:51 PST come from Cyberspace, the new home of Mind. On behalf of the future, I ask
you of the past to leave us alone. You are not welcome among us. You have
no sovereignty where we gather.

We have no elected government, nor are we likely to have one, so I address
you with no greater authority than that with which liberty itself always
speaks. I declare the global social space we are building to be naturally
independent of the tyrannies you seek to impose on us. You have no moral
right to rule us nor do you possess any methods of enforcement we have true
reason to fear.

Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed. You
have neither solicited nor received ours. We did not invite you. You do not
know us, nor do you know our world. Cyberspace does not lie within your
borders. Do not think that you can build it, as though it were a public
construction project. You cannot. It is an act of nature and it grows
itself through our collective actions.

You have not engaged in our great and gathering conversation, nor did you
create the wealth of our marketplaces. You do not know our culture, our
ethics, or the unwritten codes that already provide our society more order
than could be obtained by any of your impositions.

You claim there are problems among us that you need to solve. You use this
claim as an excuse to invade our precincts. Many of these problems don't
exist. Where there are real conflicts, where there are wrongs, we will
identify them and address them by our means. We are forming our own Social
Contract . This governance will arise according to the conditions of our
world, not yours. Our world is different.

Cyberspace consists of transactions, relationships, and thought itself,
arrayed like a standing wave in the web of our communications. Ours is a
world that is both everywhere and nowhere, but it is not where bodies live.

We are creating a world that all may enter without privilege or prejudice
accorded by race, economic power, military force, or station of birth.

We are creating a world where anyone, anywhere may express his or her
beliefs, no matter how singular, without fear of being coerced into silence
or conformity.

Your legal concepts of property, expression, identity, movement, and
context do not apply to us. They are based on matter, There is no matter
here.

Our identities have no bodies, so, unlike you, we cannot obtain order by
physical coercion. We believe that from ethics, enlightened self-interest,
and the commonweal, our governance will emerge . Our identities may be
distributed across many of your jurisdictions. The only law that all our
constituent cultures would generally recognize is the Golden Rule. We hope
we will be able to build our particular solutions on that basis. But we
cannot accept the solutions you are attempting to impose.

In the United States, you have today created a law, the Telecommunications
Reform Act, which repudiates your own Constitution and insults the dreams
of Jefferson, Washington, Mill, Madison, DeToqueville, and Brandeis. These
dreams must now be born anew in us.

You are terrified of your own children, since they are natives in a world
where you will always be immigrants. Because you fear them, you entrust
your bureaucracies with the parental responsibilities you are too cowardly
to confront yourselves. In our world, all the sentiments and expressions of
humanity, from the debasing to the angelic, are parts of a seamless whole,
the global conversation of bits. We cannot separate the air that chokes
from the air upon which wings beat.

In China, Germany, France, Russia, Singapore, Italy and the United States,
you are trying to ward off the virus of liberty by erecting guard posts at
the frontiers of Cyberspace. These may keep out the contagion for a small
time, but they will not work in a world that will soon be blanketed in
bit-bearing media.

Your increasingly obsolete information industries would perpetuate
themselves by proposing laws, in America and elsewhere, that claim to own
speech itself throughout the world. These laws would declare ideas to be
another industrial product, no more noble than pig iron. In our world,
whatever the human mind may create can be reproduced and distributed
infinitely at no cost. The global conveyance of thought no longer requires
your factories to accomplish.

These increasingly hostile and colonial measures place us in the same
position as those previous lovers of freedom and self-determination who had
to reject the authorities of distant, uninformed pow... ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/505727/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/505727/ Thu, 20 Feb 2003 21:11:30 PST
So what is love? How does one define such an ethereal word as love wherein the definition can change day by day, situation by situation and person to person? I don’t know, guess I'll have to try sitting down here and doing that, maybe that would be a good starting point for this uncharacteristic discussion on a complex subject. Let’s start simple; love is warmth within your heart. It’s a happiness you get when you see someone you care about, the slight intake of breath when that person unexpectedly shows up at work to buy you a cup of coffee. Love is a feeling of accomplishment when you make that person smile, the glow that burns brighter than the sun on a dark day, the day when your grandmother dies. Love is what keeps you going when those dark days threaten to overcome your walls, love is what keeps the wolves at bay. Love is also the darkness, the emptiness you feel when that person betrays you, stabbing you in the back. Love is a feeling of aloneness for the majority of us who haven't or never will experience this emotion. Love is a word. Love is a concept; love is a belief that has no empirical proof. Love is fantasy and love is beyond reason. There is no simple explanation; there is no simple definition, hell, to say that there is a definition that fits the word is demeaning the word itself. Love is and isn't, it’s as simple and as complex as that.

My friends have always asked me for advice on relationships and love, thinking that I have some advanced and superior understanding of it all. The reality is I don't have a clue, I get by with responses and lines that work only because some people are predictable, that most people will generally fit some form of a pattern. I don't have an understanding of love or people that as extended beyond my own experiences. So stating that, do I know love? Have I felt this concept that I can't even define adequately enough for my own tastes?

Yes, I've felt love. I know what it feels like that first moment that it slips within your guards, striking deep to the core of your heart and shaking you like a tree within a storm. It’s a unique experience, a breathless one. I've experienced it twice, and its something special. How do I know I loved those two people? Because even after they've betrayed me, even after everything I went through with both of them, I still care for them. I'd still do anything; give up anything, if they were in trouble. I say much the same for my close friends, but that’s because I love them too, yet there is one thing missing. With the two girls I have loved there was another object beyond love, it was lust. I loved their minds, and their souls, but also their bodies. My close friends I love for their minds and souls, not their bodies, I'm not interested in them in that way. So yes, I've seen love and I'd challenge any adult with the depths of my feelings. I know it’s easy for them to say, oh we have loved each other for longer than you have been alive sunny, what do you say to that? And I would reply with a simple, I've loved beyond death, what do you say to that? Love is eternal; no matter the distance, no matter the time, no matter the reasons, it carries on. It can lessen with time, but it will never dissipate. That’s love, true and unspoiled. Love is a beautiful thing, and I hate it as much as I want it. Approach love with an open arm, but keep the other tightened around the knife, for it can and will hurt you. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/484612/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/484612/ Sat, 08 Feb 2003 21:55:44 PST You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

My life changed tonight in one very simple, little way. Others say that their lives don’t change, that they don’t feel any different yet I for one, do. For once in my life, I truly know who I am. For months, no years, I’ve been struggling with my sense of self; I’ve been fighting a battle for myself. Frankly, I was getting my ass kicked. That all changed tonight, for once I know who I am. I know exactly down to the grains of lint in my belly button as to who I am.

I realized tonight that the past really is of importance to us. It shapes who we are, even if we wish to deny it. Because the past shapes who we are, and our actions (or inactions) shape the past, we live with regret. Yet, why do we have that regret? One of my new years resolutions was from that day forward, to live a life with no regret. I thought that ment going out and not caring, taking chances even if the risks outweighed the rewards. Now, I realized that living a life without regret doesn’t mean any of that; it means simply accepting what comes and being happy with the result, no matter what. Because the choices you make and the things that happen to you in life are what makes you you. Our past is our identity, the future just the world outside our door. Most of all if we cannot accept who we are, then we cannot be happy. If your someone your not, then you will never be happy; you’ll always live a life of depression and a rollercoaster track from hell. I realized that tonight.

So who I am? I’m Chris Knittel. I hate people who smack their food; I love pasta; I can’t stand long lines; my dream house is built by the shore; I love women; I’m attracted to guys; I hate religion; I cherish the thought of god; I want to visit another planet; I fear failure; I love my sister and my family; I hate them with a passion. What I am…could go on for pages and pages. For once I know. Its all right here, within my head and finally I’m happy knowing that. It took the actions of my closest friend, and a mental breakdown, to finally make me realize that I wasn’t living my life; I was living a lie. I’m sick of lies, I’m sick of being who I’m not. From now on, I live for myself. I am myself; what I am is what I am and if someone doesn’t like it…fuck off. Because for once, my happiness is what I live for. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/484609/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/484609/ Sat, 08 Feb 2003 21:54:12 PST
I realized tonight that the past really is of importance to us. It shapes who we are, even if we wish to deny it. Because the past shapes who we are, and our actions (or inactions) shape the past, we live with regret. Yet, why do we have that regret? One of my new years resolutions was from that day forward, to live a life with no regret. I thought that ment going out and not caring, taking chances even if the risks outweighed the rewards. Now, I realized that living a life without regret doesn’t mean any of that; it means simply accepting what comes and being happy with the result, no matter what. Because the choices you make and the things that happen to you in life are what makes you you. Our past is our identity, the future just the world outside our door. Most of all if we cannot accept who we are, then we cannot be happy. If your someone your not, then you will never be happy; you’ll always live a life of depression and a rollercoaster track from hell. I realized that tonight.

So who I am? I’m Chris Knittel. I hate people who smack their food; I love pasta; I can’t stand long lines; my dream house is built by the shore; I love women; I’m attracted to guys; I hate religion; I cherish the thought of god; I want to visit another planet; I fear failure; I love my sister and my family; I hate them with a passion. What I am…could go on for pages and pages. For once I know. Its all right here, within my head and finally I’m happy knowing that. It took the actions of my closest friend, and a mental breakdown, to finally make me realize that I wasn’t living my life; I was living a lie. I’m sick of lies, I’m sick of being who I’m not. From now on, I live for myself. I am myself; what I am is what I am and if someone doesn’t like it…fuck off. Because for once, my happiness is what I live for.

You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/473463/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/473463/ Sat, 01 Feb 2003 22:58:46 PST
NASA was a dream, a dream for humanity. It forced us to look outside of our planet; to seek understanding from the heavens instead always what was right in front of us. Many great things have come out of the space program yet it’s become almost an afterthought within the government. Hardly given the funding it needs to survive and continue its momentous projects, mistakes is made. One only has to look at the Hubble telescope screw-up or the Mars Lander projects which all failed because of under funding, gross negligence, and a basic lack of interest.

Even the Space Shuttles, the work horses of NASA are being used far beyond their natural life. Designed as a reusable launch and recover system, they were never intended to be used for almost quarter a century. Their electronics are archaic, the components decrepit; duck tape has become the standard repair equipment on every shuttle mission. Today we witnessed what happens when you take things to the edge and back. Today seven men and women are dead. While we do not know the cause, I'm positive it wasn't an act of terrorism or sabotage. No, instead it was probably a fault component that was stressed behind its limits whether due to age or improper construction it doesn't matter.

While I fear that this may cause the death of the space agency like Sam stated, I can't but hope that this will instead cause a revision, an audit that will show Bush and all the pathetically archaic Republicans in our government that NASA is a necessary part of our future and should be funded that way. I can't but hope that maybe NASA will come out better from this tragic event. To think that it was also the week when NASA mourned the Challenger and Apollo disasters is unthinkable. I pray for the families and loved ones of those who were lost. Today we add seven more stars to the heavens and hope for a better future; for all we are left with is hope. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/419207/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/419207/ Wed, 01 Jan 2003 10:21:51 PST want a new year? New means change and almost everyone fears change, most hate change. Yet for a day the world is a giant party, the stage is any street, house, and coach within reach. So for a day people will go drink and be merry, remember the good times of the past year and forget the bad. We'll look forward to the good times that will come, and ignore the bad. Or will we? How many of us will forget the past or ignore the bad times to come? I know I can't...its impossible. Yet those good times (and fair dreams) are so tantalizing that they suprass the bad for one brief time...

Then we have the resolutions. Yes every "New Year" people make their resolutions, their laws of what they'll try and accomplish for the upcoming year. Most go something along the lines of: "I'm going to quit smoking," or "I'm gonna lose twenty pounds and run every day." Horse shit. Who actually keeps them? Most of them are made with the realization that they'll be forgotten or ignored all too quickly. Why don't people have the strength to follow through with it? Most of us need to, I know I do. So here is my resolution, even though I'll probably not follow through with it.

1.) To stop feeling sorry about myself and using the past as a tool for pity; as a tool to drive away those who might enter into my heart again.
2.) Regain my trust in people; especially my close friends who I should be trusting.
3.) Start living the life I should have been living for a long time. By that I mean to start living my life as a teenager and a college student should (within limits). Most of all I will live for myself, live as myself and not what my parents or friends want me to be. Especially not what they want me to be.
4.) Live without anymore regrets. This ties in with three but I've missed so many chances with people and regreted them intensely. No more, I will live and take the chances and if it burns me oh well, move on, atleast I know I've tried.
5.) Get myself back into shape. So many people make this resolution but by god I will follow through with it. I will not become my father.
6.) Get my grades back to a level that myself and my parents can be proud of, no matter what the cost to my social (or computer) life.

And so goes the list for 2003, may god be with me in executing it. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/413549/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/413549/ Sat, 28 Dec 2002 21:37:11 PST ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/408945/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/408945/ Wed, 25 Dec 2002 21:30:46 PST

My mom asked about my grades...I've been dreading that. I need to get away back to school. Something about the atmosphere here is beginning to stifle me. Its getting closer and closer every day. Each day the heartbeat becomes just one decibel louder and its pull becomes harder to resist. Its further away now...but beats with an even stronger intensity. Am I insane in that I can feel the person I gave my heart to? I think not... ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/404473/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/404473/ Sun, 22 Dec 2002 23:31:42 PST
I realized a while ago that I gotta stop being scared of taking chances and standing out and tonight I stopped. I told someone how I felt - how I liked them quite a bit but I couldn't get into anything. She shared the thoughts. She likes me, quite a bit...but she's not ready for a relationship. So why does that make me happy? Because it really does work out perfectly.

We can just see where it goes, take it at our own pace without worrying about being in a relationship and all that entitles. If we see each other, we can act however we want. As a couple, as friends, as two people just getting to know each other. There is no limit; there's nothing to regret unless we make ourselves regret. It also means I dont have to live in fear of ruining it because of what I do.

Maybe Christmas won't be so bad...who knows Everything has a way of looking up when your already on the ground. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/398464/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/398464/ Wed, 18 Dec 2002 21:54:27 PST
On a related note...how the FUCK CAN I HAVE 30 VIEWS ON THE POEM AND NOT A SINGLE COMMENT?!? ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/395318/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/395318/ Mon, 16 Dec 2002 20:55:56 PST Thank you Meggie, Kristen, Katie and Georgie! You have no idea how much good you did my mind and heart...even if Katie did kinda freak me out I hope I'll see you guys again soon!

Anyways...the grades started rolling in and they aren't bad except for my math grade. Thats bad...its bad bad. Its a D but since its worth four credits it fucked me over. Killed my average...and I have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship and stay in my major. Well I dont have that yet...hopefully with the last two classes to come in I will. Otherwise I'm fucked. Anyone know of cheap tickets to Canada?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
A crowd of people around you
Telling you it's okay
And everything happens for a reason

When you lose a part of your self
To somebody you know
It takes a lot to let go
Every breath that you remember
Pictures fade away but memory is forever

An empty chair at all the tables
And I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down
But it's better where you're going anyway

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
It's really hard to get through
Tough times and long days
But it really just depends on the season

For now we'll say goodbye
We know it's not the last time
I've lost the best part of my day
But it's better where you're going anyway

This is the last thing
I will remember
It's better where you're going anyway
]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/395189/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/395189/ Mon, 16 Dec 2002 19:37:42 PST Thank you Meggie, Kristen, Katie and Georgie! You have no idea how much good you did my mind and heart...even if Katie did kinda freak me out I hope I'll see you guys again soon!

Anyways...the grades started rolling in and they aren't bad except for my math grade. Thats bad...its bad bad. Its a D but since its worth four credits it fucked me over. Killed my average...and I have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship and stay in my major. Well I dont have that yet...hopefully with the last two classes to come in I will. Otherwise I'm fucked. Anyone know of cheap tickets to Canada? ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/386288/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/386288/ Tue, 10 Dec 2002 22:46:58 PST Thank god it was Amy. I think we ruined our welcome though, oh well...IST had a good run of it! Thanks Amy! We love you and we'll respect your wishes now. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/382910/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/382910/ Sun, 08 Dec 2002 22:20:36 PST I'd damn well better! Tuesday night no matter what my friends and I are going out partying. It'll be my first time in five years to get smashed...and I'm looking forward to it immensly!

This weekend I'm supposed to go to a semi-formal dance with a girl I've never met. My friend Ed asked me to go with his gf's friend and after thinking about it a bit I've tentatively agreed. Why? Because its something I've never done. I realized in the past year that there is alot I regret and most of it centers around not doing things while I was in highschool. So I'm going to make up for that in college. At the best I'll have the time of my life, meet an amazing girl and some really cool people and just let loose. At worst? Well...I won't have lost any money, its one night, and no matter what it'll be a fun/funny night.

Did I mention that girls are confusing? They drop the damndest signals that if you take the wrong way your dead. One says she wants to fuck you when she comes down drunk, then says something different. Another drops hints that she's interested then makes blatantly obvious she's not. Gawd...as Sam says I should become gay. So much simpler.

]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/378902/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/378902/ Fri, 06 Dec 2002 13:30:31 PST The way your lips feel and your fingernails.
The way your fingers crawl up my spine,
The way you always make me the last in line.
I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won't stop to wonder.
Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone.
I'm a ship going under.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how.
I'm caving in and I'm falling out and I can't resist
And I can't rebound with the weight of the world as the world falls down.
It's the way you thrill me, then pull away.
The way you seem to kill me a little more each day.
And it's what you're thinking in your twisted mind
The way your body trembles when it's next to mine.
This pain I think about it everyday, it tells me I'm never gonna get away.
I know it's over, but I can't escape memories and how to face another day.

- Saliva "The Weight of the World"

Yea...I just got their new CD and its pretty damn good ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/372855/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/372855/ Mon, 02 Dec 2002 19:42:13 PST ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/358044/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/358044/ Sat, 23 Nov 2002 11:45:16 PST Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare?

How many time have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie

Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
All messed up, but we'll survive ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/355127/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/355127/ Thu, 21 Nov 2002 12:05:12 PST "Teenager Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker
Arrested after Bank Tampering"...

Damn kids. They're all alike.

But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's
technobrain, ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker?
Did you ever wonder what made him tick, what forces shaped
him, what may have molded him?

I am a hacker, enter my world...

Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most
of the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me...

Damn underachiever. They're all alike.

I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers
explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I
understand it. "No, Ms. Smith, I didn't show my work. I did it in
my head..."

Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike.

I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this
is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's
because I screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me... Or
feels threatened by me... Or thinks I'm a smart ass... Or doesn't
like teaching and shouldn't be here...

Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.

And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing
through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an
electronic pulse is sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day
incompetencies is sought... a board is found.

"This is it... this is where I belong..."

I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked
to them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...

Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...

You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food
at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you
did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been
dominated by sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that
had something to teach found us willing pupils, but those few
are like drops of water in the desert.

This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch,
the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already
existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't
run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We
explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge...
and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without
nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals.
You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and
lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet
we're the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is
that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they
look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that
you will never forgive me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this
individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike." ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/349980/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/349980/ Sun, 17 Nov 2002 21:38:42 PST good! I've tried saying it out loud to a friend so he can help me remember but nothing helps. I swear I'm cursed...cursed to think but never to put down.

This weekend kinda sucked. Nothing exciting happened and its been rainy and shitty all weekend. Philly weather sucks. I mean if I was home atleast I could be getting some snowflakes occasionally! No, instead we just get rain. A shitload of rain and some cold weather. Did I mention that my g/f didnt come down? Yea she said she would three times and three times she hasn't been able to. I wonder if its really she can't come...or she doesnt want to. I dunno...thanksgiving I'm spending almost all of it with her. With a day reserved for Hannah of course ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/345657/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/345657/ Thu, 14 Nov 2002 16:52:09 PST ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/344337/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/344337/ Wed, 13 Nov 2002 17:36:57 PST I got to choose this time!

Also I'm going out with the coolest girls. Alot of people will probably have a problem with the relationship because of a few things but honestly, fuck you, cause somethings are better than that. Distance is such a hard thing though...such a hard thing! ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/333699/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/333699/ Wed, 06 Nov 2002 11:11:36 PST
Over-laid with static your voice echoed from the recorder, heavy and thick with emotion. The first words you greeted me with was, “I’m sorry Chris.” Sorry? How often did I ask you not to say those words! I knew when you were sorry; I knew when you were in pain so why did you say you are sorry? You weren’t, you aren’t, you never could be sorry. Too full of yourself and your own worth to even really care about a person like me, why could I not see that? Hollow words and reasons you spoke drifted out of my conscious thought, replaced only with a feeling of the surreal.

The echo of the pounding rain on the window still fills my mind, more real than the sound of your voice or the feel of the room around me. The room, filled with so many wonderful and melancholy memories is now a poison with its warmth and comfort, leaching the strength from my mind and body. Oh how I despise you! I knew at some point it would end, at some point our feelings would part ways and we would again be two people, two minds, but I never thought this soon. Wasn’t it just yesterday we told each other of our love? Wasn’t it just the other day that we first met, in the park between the tracks? Wait, my mind tells me that was a year ago, exactly one year ago. Tonight was to be our anniversary…did you plan it this way? To end with pain on a day of joy, a day of reflection, only you could be so bold and uncaring.

The falling water beyond my window calls to me, a partner in this madness. Grabbing my tattered leather jacket (did you not get me this love?) I step out into the darkness beyond my door, the rain cascades around me. Are the heavens crying at my loss, or in pity of my person? Cold drops slip down my neck, filling my body with the misery that my mind now fills. The miles drift by, I know not where I go - the feet lead on. Signs and windows, faint reflections of the real world intrude upon my thoughts. There, on the corner we once walked hand and hand. Oh, and over there! We had dinner there, or did we? The memories drift and merge, dark and gruesome in my loss, still filled with a hunger I cannot understand; I dare not understand.

]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/315503/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/315503/ Wed, 23 Oct 2002 16:43:37 PDT that exact moment When it happens though it shocks you to the core, making you shiver and shake with a delight unlike anything you've known before. Its beautiful...its music.

Sometimes we all take for granted what we love to do, what we love to create. After a while it becomes so cliche, so ordinary, that we stop reflecting on it and realizing how great that something is. Tonight I was struck by how amazingly beautiful one peice was. I had maybe forty measures of rest to sit there and listen to the band and being slightly tired I closed my eyes and just drifted. I drifted right into beauty. The band played everything right and suddenly there was that chill.

The chill isn't a bad thing, far from it. It strikes down to the marrow and makes you feel frozen yet burning at the same time. Freshed and exhausted and most importantly, alive. Yes, sometimes I don't think we realize the power music has over a person until it hits them. Then...then you realize and it leaves you awe-struck. Today was a good day. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/314527/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/314527/ Tue, 22 Oct 2002 20:36:44 PDT

The other part is, well in the words of ~clio I'm snaping like a bitch in heat. So yea, I'm bitchy lately. Which is wierd, cause I mean everyones bitchy a little but I'm never this bad. I'm snapping at anyone over anything. Its not like I'm stressed out, if anything I'm really relaxed lately. Its noteven like I've got anything really on my mind. I dunno...really wierd. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/310698/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/310698/ Sat, 19 Oct 2002 18:57:54 PDT Our RA's organized a Myers vs. Kelly hall game; somethin like 35+ peeps are in one room. Kelly peeps drew so much power they blew out their breaker. So basicly we're sitting here waiting for the damn union engineer to get here and flip the switch. How gay is that? We know where the breakers are and we can flip it ourselves but if we do Drexel gets sued...frackin gay.

Btw...I think my computer is near death. It keeps fragging my windows installations. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/307229/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/307229/ Wed, 16 Oct 2002 20:22:24 PDT So much to do in dorms and yet all I want to do is lay in bed with a good book. Oh well
]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/306510/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/306510/ Wed, 16 Oct 2002 08:28:47 PDT God I hate rain...well atleast this type of rain. Especially when its a cold rain. It just plain sucks then.

Doesn't help that I had to get up at 8 a.m. to go to stupid University 101. The class is so gay. Basicly take required community service, add in teachers who just want to blab and you get the picture. Except its required for two semesters. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/305437/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/305437/ Tue, 15 Oct 2002 12:11:14 PDT Somehow I got picked for this assignment...oh wait I raised my hand. Damn it...I really gotta stop doing this! I keep voluntering for things and I know its gonna come back to haunt me. Oh well...its a fun little project that should keep me occupied whenever I don't have school work to do.

Oh yea...schoolwork. *cough* Hmmm...maybe I should start doing that come to think of it. Stupid University 101 requiring a three page journal on a gay ass speaker. Stupid stupid stupid ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/304508/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/304508/ Mon, 14 Oct 2002 17:36:48 PDT Its amazing how quickly college has become my new home. I love it so much here, fits like a glove. All my friends are back and we're having a blast already. I should be studying for a math test but...nay Counter-strike is far too addictive. I think I studied enough to get by but we'll see.

I think I probably blew out of proportion how much my weekend kinda sucked, it really wasn't that bad but I was kinda depressed. Last night was a blast. Went to see Tuck Everlasting with some friends. The movie kinda sucked but it did have some funny parts. It was cool cause I went with Hannah, Jenn and a few other CC band geeks. Afterwards Jenn and I went out to get coffee and icecream and just talked and stuff. Very theraputic, very helpful.

I kinda went driving afterwards and did alot of thinking and wrote a letter to someone and then left it on her car. Said some things I probably shouldn't have but I feel so much better now, so much lighter. The burden is off my shoulders now that things are said. So I can step to the coming days with a far lighter foot. The air is so fresh today! ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/302206/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/302206/ Sat, 12 Oct 2002 18:28:41 PDT
Truc warned me, but I didn't listen. I had everything planned out so perfectly to have a kickass weekend. Well, as life seems to have a sense of humor...everything went wrong. Instead of a beautiful day and riding off into the sunset I rode into a torrential downpour. We got three inches of rain in a few hours. Of course that made for the calling of the Ceder Cliff football game. Originally I would have seen every single one of my friends at the game and then we were planningn on going out afterwards to get some food or go bowling. Instead I saw only Hannah and Jenn. Now don't get me wrong, it was fun and all but...it wasn't the same. I miss alot of people.

Today was kinda disappointing too. Didn't get to talk to really any of my CH friends and then when I went to Millersville it wasn't quite what I expected. Got to see Emily again and met Dana but...I dunno. Maybe I had too high expectations for this weekend.

The worst part though is just the constant reminder that she is only a few miles away. The girl who I fell so hard for and still cannot get over. She called me today to see what I was doing. I wanted to get together with her, talk over some stuff I need to stay to her. She couldn't though, she never can. Always someone else...its all lies she told me I've realized now. All lies. There's no way someone could actually "feel" what she did and then act the way she has. Oh well...just the icing on the cake I suppose. Damn damn home. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/295514/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/295514/ Sun, 06 Oct 2002 21:11:53 PDT Oh well...this song hit really hard:

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything

* Lifehouse - Everything ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/284756/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/284756/ Fri, 27 Sep 2002 15:34:47 PDT So in the end I don't think I'll have any new works or materials to post for quite a while. Stupid college...taking up all my time. Stupid Counter-Strike sucking up the rest. Yea...Counter-Strike on a LAN rules.

Tonight there's some kind of a party on Southstreet that everyones going to. Should be pretty interesting though I haven't been feelin very well today. Its also threatening some rain and we're hoping it holds off. If it doesnt...oh well. I'm gonna go to some parties with a few peeps and have a blast anyways. In the end...it all works out! ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/279365/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/279365/ Sun, 22 Sep 2002 19:09:37 PDT Its not what I thought it would be in a way and in so many others its exactly what I thought it would be and more. There is freedom...so much freedom. Its like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in my life I don't have to tell someone why Im leaving at 1:30 a.m. or where I'm going. I don't have to say who's coming over to my room and why, I just sign them in. ITS GREAT!

There is alot of partying too; a tad too much for my tastes. I knew Drexel is supposadly one of the top #10 in hard liquor in the country but all I've seen (and heard about) is beer. Beer is disgusting...tastes like piss. I'd rather have something more interesting actually. But you can all be proud of me...I haven't done any partying yet; well not really.

Classes start tomorrow sadly...I want them to begin but I don't at the same time. With them beginning alot of my freedom ends but at the same time it provides probably my best chance of meeting new people outside of parties and random hookups. So thats cool. The hallway in my dorm is really starting to come together like clockwork; all thanks to the incredible mods for Half-Life! Its rare that you can't come into the dorm at some time and hear atleast one computer going with CS or Day of Defeat...and generally its got the entire hall going. We have a lil'friendly challenge between our floor and the third floor of Calhon and then the general Kelly tower. We'll win...we always do. Well I gotta go...some people want to play again so I'll write later. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/275210/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/275210/ Wed, 18 Sep 2002 21:59:41 PDT Push it out, fake a smile
Avert disaster, just in time
I need a drink, cause in a while
Worthless answer from friends in mind
It's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
Girls posess me, but they're never mine
I made my entrance, avoided hazards
Checked my engine, I fell behind

I fell behind

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm a fuckin' boy

Remember when I was in the grocery store, now's my time
Lost the words,lost my nerve, lost the girl, left a line
I would wish upon a star, but that star, it doesn't shine
So read my book with a boring ending
A short story of a lonely guy

I fell behind

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm a fuckin' boy

She makes me feel like it's raining outside
And when the storm's gone i'm all torn up inside
I'm always nervous on, days like this like the prom
I get too scared to move, cause i'm still just a stupid worthless boy
- Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/272723/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/272723/ Mon, 16 Sep 2002 17:34:25 PDT Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played it till my fingers bled
It was the summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had a band and we tried real hard
Jimmy quit and Jody got married
I shoulda known we'd never get far
Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
And that's when I met you

Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

Back in the summer of '69

Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever - forever, no

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Sometimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

- Brian Adams - Summer of `69
]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/269795/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/269795/ Fri, 13 Sep 2002 22:52:57 PDT
Now in three days I leave it all behind. I leave everything I'm secure in and that I understand truely behind. Its gonna be hard; extremely hard. There are so many goodbyes I have to make, and so many I don't want to make. True - I'll see all my friends again; or atleast a good many of them. Yet how often will I see them? How much will things change between now and that illusive then? It scares me...because the worlds a fucked up place. So maybe I won't say goodbye - not to anyone. Goodbye is so final, so formal. Instead let us all have a fleeting "I'll see you later" or "talk to you tomorrow." Because indeed...when is tomorrow but when one opens their eyes to the face of a friend?





Damn I need to stop wondering and go to bed. If your the 3000th viewer of my page would you be kind enough to take a snapshot and link me it? Thanks...I don't think I'll be back on before Tuesday. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/267038/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/267038/ Wed, 11 Sep 2002 13:11:28 PDT I hate packing...but I hate the waiting. Only six days now until I leave for Drexel. Thank god...its almost over. ]]> ~anduril http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/265406/ http://anduril.deviantart.com/journal/265406/ Tue, 10 Sep 2002 00:12:21 PDT clio computer built tonight. There's been a whole snafu with Multiwave (do NOT order from them...their customer service sucks) regarding the RAM I ordered so I was told to just order a new stick from Crucial. I picked Second Day shipping and ordered it Sat. and it arrived yesterday. Monday that is How cool is that? I love Crucial! The heatsink (Coolermaster HCC-001 I think is the one) with screaming Delta arrived too. So I put everything together and the system booted up beautifully. The only snag in the entire install was the ATI graphics card. It did NOT like the retail drivers that it came with. Whenever I installed them it'd lockup in bootup into Windows 2000. Then it wouldn't let me unstall them fully so I screwed around with that for over an hour. Stupid ATI. I finally got it to work by installing each driver seperately with the most recent versions. There was SEVEN FILES! GEEZUS!

Yea Im tired now...its 3:05 a.m. and Im waking up at 8:00 a.m. to go on a bike ride. I'm trying to ride or run every day to get in some semblence of shape. Dunno if its gonna happen but Im trying.

For those that care here are the specs of Truc's computer:

Processer: AMD Athlon XP 1900+
Motherboard: MSI KT3 Ultra2 (Can you say 12 USB?)
Memory: Crucial PC2700 DDR 512Mb
Case: Antec SX830 w/ Truepower 350watt (best cases...)
Gfx Card: ATI AIW 7500 64Mb (So many cables)
Soundcard: Onboard
Speakers: Logitech z560 4.1 400watts (they HIT!)
Moniter: Viewsonic PF95+ 17in (Damn wires)
DVD: Lite-On 16x
CDRW: Lite-On 48/16/48
Hard Drive: WD 100Gb 1000JB (Fastest drive...short of 120)
Key/Mouse: Logitech Freedom Optical (This things cool)
Operating System: Windows 2000 Pro

Some other misc. stuff too. ]]> ~anduril