http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:aors-as-aore&section=today deviantART RSS for by:aors-as-aore en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:40:31 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/19967105/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/19967105/ Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:17:54 PDT
consider me dead, until I make a come back if I'll ever make a come back...

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16940663/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16940663/ Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:26:26 PST Been hurt in some kind of love affair
And how many times do you swear that youll never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights
How many lies, how many fights
And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?

love is pain, I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way
Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
You could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile that youve been thinking of all day



sting - brand new day
<3

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16719872/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16719872/ Mon, 04 Feb 2008 08:32:09 PST
it was nice of him to come back and drag me out of my downward spiral. so I didn't become the same emotionless shell as I was before, but then again...
at least it was safe and peaceful that way =/

I shouldn't be thinking that way, but it's so tough and hard going through life like this. like... well, to be honest, like normal people do.

an average day for an average person costs so much energy for me, more than normal. it makes me want to fall back into the safe arms of therapy and retarddation and insanity. just because this costs so much energy.

and then, atop of that, everything has to be so difficult lately. happiness won't just come to you, you have to fight for it with every last drop of blood you have.
and already having so little energy left because of a normal day, it's hard for me to keep my head straight and even try to achieve MORE than just that.
though, to be honest, other people could be more easier and less worryful. no, it's not their fault; just indicating that it's apparently not average happiness I am striving for. it's more complicated.
dose of my bad fucking luck.<


I wish I could just quietly and softly fall back into my insanity and emotionless state of mind as before.
to stop caring, being only selfish and ego centric.

for this really is pushing me to the edge.
(they just don't know they are doing that)


nevermind, walk on.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16675650/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16675650/ Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:12:54 PST oh goodygoody, you'll enjoy... you'll see.

first of all; what about the art?
well, as you could have noticed by now, teh vorkje has about stopped drawing and photographing =/ several reasons, some to do with time, other with inspiration...
and a bit of lacking self-esteem suddenly to do something new.
and no, no shittalk of "but you're so cool please make some new artsies!" because it's not because of that, it's something else. kthnxbye (no, you don't have to understand this)
nevermind.

whenever I might start making art again, you'll be the first to know... if it's not on the news or something.
though have to admit, I never really was a productive artist, now was I?
I should really shop for a muse on e-bay.


and second: noise.
chaos, random, confusion, worried, tired tired tired and emotionally drained.

but especially being worried.
it seems to have become my neutral mood: being worried the shit out of myself because of someone. it's what I am for, no? I don't know...
it worries me (surprise surprise) because it was something my therapist really cracked her ass open for to teach me to stop that.

think about yourself too, you'll only drag yourself down when you interfere too much with people, you can't carry the world by yourself, you can't do much more than you do, etc etc etc

well, I can't carry the world by myself, no. but at least I can try. heh, I rather collapse under its weight than knowing that there was more I could have done, and didn't do it in the end.
if everyone decided they could carry the world on my shoulders, it would already make a difference...

one night I was tired of problems from others and texted whoever came to mind. a dear friend of mine who already has been on my mind quite often lately was my choice.
bladiebla down to the point, eventually he said that I was "too sweet for this world".
no offence to this exceptional cannibalistic creature, but it's sad when people are able to make a measurement out of something like sweetness or love...
there should be limits and boundaries for negative characteristics and shit, but too sweet? no, you can't be too sweet. I detest the idea and the word so much that I wish it was grammatical incorrect or something =/

like "he is too dead". what dead? you can't be too dead, you're just dead! dead is the extreme.
"he is too sweet" what sweet? you can never be too sweet!



in the end, it is all selfish I guess. perhaps I am a very selfish human. perhaps eventually I will end up being a monster using people just for her own use. to get her own way. manipulation... I wish I wasn't able to do that, you know.
sounds creepy? nah, don't worry. I worry too much about people to be able to hurt someone.
...which makes me a perfect object to abuse =/
but that's another subject I already have been talking to much about lately...
no it wasn't his fault. it wasn't mine either. I don't know whos it was.
karma, I guess.
and a regular dose of my bad fucking luck.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16643102/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16643102/ Wed, 30 Jan 2008 12:18:24 PST he doesn't either.
the world's a mess, and so are we.




it's not what you thought
when you first began it
you got what you want
now you can hardly stand it though
but now you know
it's not going to stop
til you wise up

you're sure there's a cure
and you have finally found it
you think one drink
will shrink you til you're underground
and living down
but it's not going to stop
it is not going to stop
until you wise up

prepare a list for what you need
before you sign away the deed
cause it's not going to stop

just please don't give up...

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16627939/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16627939/ Tue, 29 Jan 2008 12:31:28 PST
I am so good in this!
there's no one on this earth that can beat me in being used over and over and over and over and over and over and over....again!

I can't be mad at him, and I am not.
he just flied out of the door, as my hopes have flown before.




and long ago I lost my soul
to some forgotten dream
and how was I supposed to know
this wasn't what it seemed?
and even though the last blow
has left me on the floor
I don't believe in Romeo's
or hero's anymore

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16606573/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16606573/ Mon, 28 Jan 2008 02:38:29 PST
perhaps it was indeed love

ah, scratch the perhaps.

scratch the "it was indeed"

just keep the love ^_^






I am happy.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16561129/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16561129/ Fri, 25 Jan 2008 04:08:09 PST "They're destructive."
"Some are, a lot are, but they live in all kinds of ways. Just like we do. There's a moth, more than one in fact, that lives only on tears. That's all they eat or drink."
"What kind of tears? Whose tears?"
"The tears of large land mammals, about our size. The old definition of moth was 'anything that gradually, silently eats, consumes, or wastes any other thing.' It was a verb for destruction too..."



I have about stopped drawing. I have about stopped photographing. No motivation, no inspiration... I have stopped writing, not that that was very promising anyway.
I have stopped eating regulary; half of the time it comes out immediately anyway.
Right now when I eat I get a huge stomach ache, it's not my fault. My body refuses to act normal, apparently.
I have stopped sleepig regulary; staying up half of the night afraid to fall back asleep is common for me.
I have stopped dreaming; it will lead to expectations. expectations lead to dissapointments and they hurt.

I will not expect him anymore, for he only wants to be found.
And how can he, on his turn, expect me to search while he blindfolded me with a thick mist of confusion?
and then his eyes. his eyes his eyes his eyes.
they look at me. "Do you think it's because I like to look at you and think about eating you up- about how you would taste?"

I am not going insane, I hope, or getting paranoia that he has cannibalistic tendensies.
Paranoia is a fear and I would not mind being boiled and buttered up to be served on a silver platter as part or garnier at a fancy diner.
So it's not being afraid...

But I can't believe when someone looks at me with such kindness, so gentle, that they can't purely have good intentions. So if not purely anger, disgrace, disgust, then perhaps purely desire for the flesh. We're talking about me, remember?
It's the only thing I can imagine. What else could those eyes mean?

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16520893/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16520893/ Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:50:34 PST on DA

a good friend of mine with awesometh photography,
give him a warm welcome, will ya!

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16485316/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16485316/ Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:02:33 PST




I have loved a person, who for sure
would earn a second Troy,
and who was ruined by drink and heroine
under my very eyes.

To a sickbed our lovenest shrank
and I would like to cry softly,
because only this lawless
little sonnet is what's left of us two.

About fourteen lines in which you
can give a peek through the keylock,
some salt to rub in the wounds.

What are those insane visions,
that you, damnit, in a poem
"can write things off you"?

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16281447/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16281447/ Sun, 06 Jan 2008 06:11:26 PST
I think my inspiration died somewhere this vacation. the short bolt of "I'll have to draw, I have christmas card to make" is also kind of...gone. 't isn't christmas anymore, so no need to draw apparently.
I should regret it, but somehow I just can't be anyhow arsed for it.

I signed up for the ET portfolio comp so at least some photographs should be turned up somehow someway.
I don't have inspiration for those anyway, so I might keep those off my DA aswell, depends on how they turn out =/

meh.

I think I accidently ate my muse or something.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16024476/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/16024476/ Fri, 21 Dec 2007 06:07:02 PST
....*partays*

ok, enough partaying for today.

I survived the last few weeks of school, with much effort, but I did
now here I am, be happy.
vacation time, I love it I am already enjoying it, though it just started.
tomorrow meeting up with , I love that guy ^^

in the meanwhile I am all happy and stuff because it's so white outside, and people are mostly annoyed by that. it's too bad, they just look like "wtf, it's normal" when I get all exited about the snow and ice. meh, never take such things for granted.
people should be happy with "normal" things too

not arsed for writing a proper journal entry, bare with me.
merry christmas and a happy new year, in advance


love you guys!

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15843103/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15843103/ Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:16:34 PST they are cold.
I am not arsed to get socks, so I guess it's my own fault.

I should also get a pullover for I don't want to get sick again.
yet again lack of arsedness.
interesting, eh?
nah.

lately I've started making beadiestrings and hanging them up on the wall. first so that you didn't really see them, from side to side.
they are colourful and nice. and I hang stuff from them: from glass things, keychains, feathers, dreamcatchers, necklesses, earrings... stuff. it makes a calming tinkletinklenoise.

but I keep on making new ones, they cross my whole room. my room has now become very visitor unfriendly. or just... people can't really walk through here anymore.
I seem to have no problem, being short and already used to it.

but then I thought, it is like a spiderweb. if I am a spider, this is a web I am making around my territory, since my room is the place I recide most of the time.
it keeps me in and keeps others out, in a way of protecting me.

and somehow this web gives me a really save feeling

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15706310/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15706310/ Wed, 28 Nov 2007 11:35:33 PST
with slowly getting more into the darker death metal music scene (as if I wasn't already)(much)(nevermind) time to get a more influenced style aswell.

drawing just doesn't work when you don't listen to music, especially when being a blunt -beeeeeeep- minded person like yours truely!
so time to get more inspired
working out sketched
redoing old stuff

and trying to get myself back to drawing (let me hear the cheers!)

-crickets- -wind-
*expects a comment from Squee on this*
ok, forget about that.

but lets just see what will happen, aye?
the newest sketch is a bit a promiseless initiation, Nymphetamine, yes.

lets just see what will happen...

and in the meanwhile I have to get my head out of my arse and draw more personalized christmas cards, with a non-dark theme...
I seem to have been promising that around enough to get myself bound to the idea.

kudos.

/Tourettecally yours

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15478482/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15478482/ Mon, 12 Nov 2007 12:25:19 PST no offence to my dear finnish sister, of course ^^

from now on each weekend I have something planned. which is OK, it keeps you going.
I am a routine-killer, but it tends to stab you in the back merciless nevertheless. funny little motherfucker.

and then twice a week happily standing at that counter selling cigs and gars and other junk as long as it's bad for your health... mainly to (drunk?) addicts, ugly as fuck while calling me their angel.
I sell you death in stickform for 3,90 euro, I am an angel?

setting your brain on a long -beeeeeeeeeeeeep- is OK. trying to listen to your fellow collegues who are also apparently bored is something I'm training myself to do.

uuuhhh... yah. at least at school there are friends to laugh with so it's bearable

just to follow impulsive thoughts, that'll keep the dread away ^^

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15406543/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15406543/ Wed, 07 Nov 2007 13:29:05 PST what is she doing?
I was over her, over. I barely thought about roxanne anymore. she was gone, out of my mind. still in my heart of course, but in peace. it was ok.
and now rapidly filling my thoughts, returning in memories, words and even in my dreams?
is her spirit not in rest or is my conciouss spinning overtime?

what is wrong with you, roxanne?


there's no earthy way of knowing what was in your heart when it stopped going, the whole world shook, a storm was blowing through you.
waiting for god to stop this and up to your neck in darkess everyone around you was corrupted, say something!
there's no dignity in death to sell the world your last breath... they're still fighting over everything you've left over
Through your eyes the world was burning, please be gentle I'm still learning
You seemed to say as you kept turning up. They poisoned you with compromise at what point did you realise everybody loves your life...But you...



I saw you standing at the gates when marlon brando passed away
you had that look upon your face; advertising space
no one learned from your mistakes, we let the profits go to waste
all that's left in any case is advertising space



(last part from adverstising space, from robbie williams. was listening to it and it fitted )

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15273251/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15273251/ Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:56:36 PDT I can't listen for the telephone
funny how you never know
what may come, what may go
all the things that never showed;
I am waiting even though...
empty is this tunnel that I'm in
can't see where I am or where I've been
should I stay, or should I leave?
is there something to receive?
at the dawn of the eve
tell me what should I believe...
three times you said it's over
two times you said goodbye
but once you said "I love you"
...was that a lie?

does love run out?
does love dry out?
does anybody know??
I close my eyes
I hold my breath
but I will have to let you go

it's a feeling I have known before
holding the right key to the wrong door
though the train has jumped the track
though the daylight has turned black
can my heart sustain the crack?
I still want the feeling back!

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15231398/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15231398/ Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:28:44 PDT from my bewilderd eyes
taste of bittersweet romance

you're still in my hopes
you're still on my mind
and even though I'll manage on my own...

my heart is low, my heart is solo
as only a woman's heart can be
as only a woman's heart can go

restless eyes reveal my troubled soul
and memories flood my worried heart
I mourn from my dreams
I mourn from my wasted love
and while I know I'll survive alone....

my heart is low, my heart is solo
as only woman's heart can know

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15211946/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15211946/ Thu, 25 Oct 2007 06:39:12 PDT
if you hate me, say it in my face. not through an ET diary.
if I'm the naive one, believing in love, than he is the hypocrite making me do so.

it hurts, it burns and it hurts and it stings.

if things keep going on like this, in the end I'll have no heart over and, above all, no trust at all anymore in mankind.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15124555/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15124555/ Fri, 19 Oct 2007 05:00:53 PDT [link]


she is no medicine against the ticking of the clock
no hope, no guide
no haven in the night
not a well in the desert when you're dying of thirst
not a smile to your worst joke

she is no hit chorus that resonates through
not the most expensive wine that you drink without a hangover
not a garden of flowers in bloom
not one of a thousand nights
not an outstretched hand
not the end of all my waiting

she is no weak excuse for what I would have liked to be
no dream, no goal
no stick to beat with
no garantee for a long and happy life
she is no answer to the question of our existence

not the most beautiful symphony during the movie named us two
the clean cool bed that can take away my fevers
not the rhythm of my heart, not the most clean conciousness
she did not come on the right moment
and I just don't care

between everything that I had and how that started to live
what has been sketched with pencil can be drawn with colour
between never anything up and everything to do
between never and maybe, rarily
and between I and us
so many songs, so many words and it all has to be said
but whatever she tries gives me the first rigt
maybe it's quite simple but all I want to hear is...

for she is no good convesation
where no dog is waiting for
no flag to fight under
no advice to all my complaints
not the last escape which nobody was thinking about anymor

no, even more than I want to admit
she makes the difference.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15088136/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15088136/ Tue, 16 Oct 2007 13:48:07 PDT a shadow fell on my heart
you were the worst mistake she ever made
and she laughed to lot of your jokes
yes, I know, you were funny
but I couldn't laugh
'cause I knew where it lead

now the anger has drowned out all the jokes
she doesn't laugh anymore
see the pain in her smile
and she's tried, yes she's tried to run away
but you would not let her go
you are the ball on her chain

now I wish you were dancing in the sun
but the steps were all wrong
so release her from her chains now
with your jokes your imprisoned her heart
you never gave her chance
she never knew you couldn't dance...

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15055599/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/15055599/ Sun, 14 Oct 2007 09:13:37 PDT she listened to my life story *flabbergasted*




...it's so relieving. I never did that before.
wow ;

I love that girl, I do, I do<3

I love you guys too btw

I love people

and I miss Roxanne. I didn't tell Diede about Roxanne. I hope she doesn't mind, I already told her so much. I only tell half stories.



the last rays of autumn sunlight are shining through my window, casting long orange shadows on my wall... if I died this very moment, I wouldn't fear

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14985131/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14985131/ Tue, 09 Oct 2007 12:55:50 PDT
I had a dream yesterday evening;
I was walking hand in hand with Everyone I Know. He had its fist clutched, I was holding his fist.
I wasn't really paying attention, I don't know how he looked like. I was numb.
then I looked up and some weird beautiful woman was walking in a tree.
"can I live on these ruins?" I asked her.
"am I not beautiful walking up here?" she asked, her arms outstretched and balancing with her clothes waving through the wind.
yes, she was pretty. so are many things out of grasp.

and when I walk by myself, or am at my work, I see people who barely know each other conversate and have fun. I know I'll never be like that.
same counts for many things. I won't ever be cured.
when I was in therapy Beugelink didn't tell me that I would be normal and healthy, she didn't promise me a rose garden. She would make me freeer in things like communication and emotional expression.

and it makes me jealous to see how other people went through their lives with laughter and ease and it cost me every last bit of energy I had to get this far and become somewhat more human. and still I'm behind on things.

and the worse perhaps, people don't take you serious. people have measurements, for what you've been through. "oh, only this? well, I had a worse time in my life, so I'm in a more pitiful condition as you are."
not saying I'm so sad, no, everything besides that! I've heard stories which made me glad I wasn't them at that time.
but still=/

I'll accept this all. it's ok, I'm ok. I will be ok and I will continue to be ok. no lies
real life and reality, not my made up safe haven; full press.

at least I have a guy texting me 6 in the morning that he loves me<3

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14899253/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14899253/ Wed, 03 Oct 2007 13:23:31 PDT take away my freedom.
cherish me, limit me,
go your way, I am a coward.

you want to melt together,
- a rediculous idea -
but I am romantic
I go along...

mold me and enslave me,
be sweet and mean.
grant me the place
of the load on your shoulders.

if you're my man,
then I'm your woman.
then we can fight together
for that which not can.

we but even more water with our wine
until there'll only be water left.
clear but tasteless, no colour, no shine
this way we'll live together til death.

away with jealousy, long live routine!
jealousy, irritation, conversations, complaining.
love gives hope, love gives purpose.
love is a trick, but I love to fall for it.

all the time the same mistake
all the time the same pain
almost as horrible
as being all alone again

maybe this time it's different
maybe this time it's true
is all wisdom in the world a mistake
I want to believe it so much for I love you.





the game started again,
I am in the middle.
addiced as an addict,
disobeying has no use.

I can only loose,
my heart and my mind.
love will only let go,
when he's burned up.

then you're yourself again,
alone and unloved.
but mature and wise
until it starts all over again.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14800300/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14800300/ Wed, 26 Sep 2007 13:08:26 PDT because I was having an attack then, she didn't take it serious then.

if I start damaging myself again badly, I guess I'll be dragged there anyway (/EMO)

this has no use ._.
watch me downfall.
not to mention the silly neurotic habits, the tourettes and everything coming back. I'm even starting to be scared in the dark again!

though
thanks to my friends here though for the sweet words I really appreciate that, I do.






I know you'll be a star
and shine in the sky
but why, why can't it be in mine?

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14701287/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14701287/ Wed, 19 Sep 2007 13:19:18 PDT
ah well, more pointed towards myself.
I can keep on screaming off the roofs I'm fine and that it's a chapter behind me, but it's just not. and it won't leave.

the only things I gained through all these years of analyses and therapy and manipulation and swallowing whatever med they offered is that now when I'm feeling down, I know "hey fuck me, I'm feeling down!"

I feel fine in general, ok. but if something slight happens that a bit disturbs me (a nasty comment, something bad happening) I fall off my rock and some iron curtain closes. then I can't hear or think good, barely answer questions. this all is a scary process, for I refuse to go back in therapy.
at nights I'm talking against myself "I'm going insane I'm going insane..." and it feels true.

my niece left her boyfriend this week. those two were awesome together. they already had a little house together and two cats.
she left him because he was manic-depressed and she couldn't stand it anymore.
this worries me, what if people turn their backs on me because of my psychoses?
I can control them far enough to be bearable towards me, but the better you get to know me the more you realise how screwed in the head I am... Oo

the weakest "friends" already left me, thank god just some people I knew over the net (though I considered them friends). no naming

I also slightly feel betrayed by the promises I would become better. because now I got to the point I HAVE to admit I CAN'T.
and I'm at peace with it, what happened. it can't be changed, and I was a fool for believing it could be changed, erased and forgotten.

hmm...

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14515948/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14515948/ Thu, 06 Sep 2007 12:16:59 PDT Except for all the voices in my head that say your name






I’ve been tagged by ! =O

The RULES of tagging:
1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random (hopefully interesting) facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a blogpost of these facts
4. At the end of the post 8 more bloggers are tagged and named
5. Go to their blog and leave a comment telling them they're tagged

Facts about me:
1. I have a mild form of Tourette’s, it used to be worse when I was younger.
2. I love music and like everything from industrial to metal to grunge to classic pop to classical to (some) techno…
3. I have a memory for song lyrics and can sing songs along easily after hearing them 3 times
4. sometimes I act as if I’m blind, deaf or mentally handicapped when in unknown company, so I can sit back and look at how things go.
5. I like to touch people too much
6. though I mostly wear black, I’m fond of colourful things
7. Christmas is something I look forward to for months, for no particular reason
8. I am easily jealous and though I tend to make the impression I’m not, very insecure actually.

And tag, you’re it-s!



]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14419609/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14419609/ Fri, 31 Aug 2007 02:33:12 PDT Fading away
well, you might kinda say I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is!
cause it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself


And it worked
Yes it did!

There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Only

......
Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone
I kept picking at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I'm somewhere...
...I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me, only

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14381569/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14381569/ Tue, 28 Aug 2007 14:17:44 PDT
why someone would ever destroy something they built themself?




time to blow off dust of my old principes and habits... grow against the wall until I'm inviseable... alone and satisfied.

satisfied? I guess after lying against people so much, I was feeling left out...

her coffin rests on my conciousness.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14348889/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14348889/ Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:26:38 PDT but I love you!
I want you to have your own thoughts, and ideas and feelings... even when I hold you in my arms.
it's our last chance... It's our last chance...

Some people, gave advice before,
about facing the facts, about
facing reality. And this is, this
without a doubt, is his biggest
challenge ever. He's going to have to face it.
You're gonna have to try, he's gonna to have to try
and and... and get some help here.
I mean no one can say they know how he feels.

...I get up with the sun... Listen.
You have your own room to sleep in,
I don't care what you do. I don't
care when. That door gets locked,
that door gets locked at night by nine o'clock.
If you're not in this house by nine o'clock, then
you'd better find some place to sleep. Because
you're not going to be a bum in this house.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14220507/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14220507/ Sat, 18 Aug 2007 02:55:16 PDT ___<
oh well...

anyway, just two more weeks vacation, then off to... school! final year, final exam *shivers all over* yeck.

started on my chemistry last night, some kind of... summary of everything I learned last year. or apparently, what I had ought to learn. I'm having an ache in doing it. bhuhhhhh
on top my chemistry teacher wrote "it might be a nice idea to take your future serious."
Everyone got the same booklet to make during the vacation, but those words were just pointed towards a few people... heh, and I'm one of them >_>

when I'm done with this, I'll get onto my math.

and I'm really suffering right now getting rid of all the meds in my system. I'm angry at people for no reason at all (some might already be familiar of that from the past weeks), and after that plain paranoia. are they talking behind my back? are they planning on just stopping talking with me and leaving me?

Call me emo, I don't care, I just wish this shit was OVER with.
I ought to be cleared of this mess in 4 weeks, then the medicine should be out of my system and the depressions ought to stop.
then you'll have the good, old, cheerful Al back.
But til then... phear me, and please cope with me, for I really don't mean things as harsh as they sound.

If only the nightmares would leave me alone, I could have SOME rest during the day...

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14044724/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/14044724/ Mon, 06 Aug 2007 13:49:30 PDT
]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13751613/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13751613/ Mon, 16 Jul 2007 01:38:25 PDT - I'm going to learn Polish
- I'm going to breed my gerbils and try to get them NOT eating their offspring
- earn some money
- have Lami coming over
- having Elfy coming over
- going to shop in Utrecht with Sander for the EFF
- going to make Breda and Utrecht unsave with Diede
- notice that all the above people she only knows through elftown
- sail to Denmark with Sanne
- get Shimshi tame ><
- clean Bakvis' aquarium
- have fun and lick a lot of movies with Lon
- read 4 motherfucking books on the theme "insane?" for school
- eventually spank Andy

so yah, I'll be busy the upcoming days.
and my throatal infection is bothering me and I keep on coughing like a chainsmoker.

oh well, viva la vacation!

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13456897/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13456897/ Sat, 23 Jun 2007 07:52:20 PDT <3

*pwns you all by counting to three in Polish*
<wnage on>jeden, dwa, trzie!

see? ^^

and now I'm going back to answering questions about the tale from Sokrates about Kriton.. fucking bullshizznat, but well.

almost summer vacatiooooooooooooooon!!!! *random*

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13378538/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13378538/ Sun, 17 Jun 2007 08:30:41 PDT I'm not a butterfly and you can not catch me with a net of words that I heard and understood before you spoke.
I'm not just like a butterfly and you shall not bind me with an agreement that, when I hear about it, I can already guess that there's more behind it.

then some talking, some drinking and a kiss
then what we think about each other and miss

then a conversation under 4 eyes, under 4 arms, under 4 lips
about my eyes, about my lips about my charms...
and in the morning I'm alone again, so you can hope that I fly back through the window.

this shall not happen anymore, not more. I'll remain alone until I find someone that can tame me.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13010145/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/13010145/ Sat, 19 May 2007 07:24:52 PDT
most people can rely on their muse, or at least say cute things about it. but I don't have one >__<

besides that, I want to draw something. something. but I don't know WHAT.

and if I draw something, I never finish it. because I'm lazy like that.

someone force me to draw something ;-; because I can draw... though everyone forgot it >_>

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12649373/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12649373/ Wed, 18 Apr 2007 23:52:40 PDT
I should feel good because my future is finally taking a not-so-abstract shape, but I'm not.

some dreams that made a big impression on me, though I forgot them, still haunt me a bit.

I feel blood rising to my head, I'm afraid I can faint any minute. if I go to school I'll faint, so I have to stay home. but then again, then I'll be home.. and after all, it's my own fault that I'm sick.

the world is spinning and the melancholy and pessimism makes me feel nauseous, something I can't use this very moment. I don't even have space for the normal dose of envy - my neutral mood most of the times.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12524702/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12524702/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 12:38:44 PDT
staying here just...killing time

and I'm writing you this because I...want to let you know that I...I'm still around

and when you will hear this...then you'll know... that this is written only...only for you

and I was wondering if you still know that I... that I'm still around

that we're in it... that we're in it for life

you know that, right? sometimes I got the feeling...that you don't

got a feeling that you don't

sometimes...

got a feeling that you can't

I know I let you down, but then I knew I always would.
some things feel better now, but then I knew they always would...

so don't you stay, or don't just wait, but don't you know I had to let you go?

still I'll miss your crazy warnings, like I knew I always will...

I just want to let you know; I got a feeling that you're always here always here.
and I just want to let you know...

and I just want to let you know, got a feeling that you're always here.
and I just want to let you know...

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12427337/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12427337/ Mon, 02 Apr 2007 07:35:32 PDT when I see you at night in the park
the car lights shine on your body
without eyes, without memory

you have nobody that got your love
not even back when that was important to you
the words that belong to you are cheaper than I thought
and in second it started raining

get out of that world, one second and then quickly drive on
get out of that world, one second look good around in our paradise
and don't ask for the way for everyone lost it

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12304971/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12304971/ Sat, 24 Mar 2007 03:20:08 PDT
what an amazing art around here! some things really make my jaw fall open, wow.
but then after a while, everything looks so much the same.
all simple posed pictures which have been edited with some digital art programm long enough so you can MAKE a pic breathe a certain atmosphere (instead of taking a pic and having it there right away).

art is these days so simple and accessible for people without any talent. which isn't a bad thing of course.
but why are those digital pics that everyone with a mouse can make more popular than the pencil drawings?
don't you need much more talent, patience, practise and such for the latter one?

I'm not saying I don't like the digital art, I mean, it's awesome! but all those photo manipulations take away the real art in photography...

I hope I can be a real natural artist someday.

]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12221162/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12221162/ Sat, 17 Mar 2007 15:07:15 PDT
]]> ~aors-as-aore http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12214252/ http://aors-as-aore.deviantart.com/journal/12214252/ Sat, 17 Mar 2007 02:11:39 PDT I'm proud of myself!

now just searching more fwends from Elftown who also have a DA^^

]]> ~aors-as-aore