http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:artjenesis&section=today deviantART RSS for by:artjenesis en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 22 Dec 2009 19:09:24 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/20864999/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/20864999/ Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:39:27 PDT _<
AHHH!!!!
I have no clue what I am doing really, and I have no choice to but take this class. DARN!!!
*Imagines ripping up book in to little pieces of guinea pig Bedding*
AHHH!!!!!

]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/15092899/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/15092899/ Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:13:25 PDT Do I just doodle or do I create art???

@_@

I'm starting to think I just doodle... i don't really produce anything of worth??? Have I lost that spark, i once had?
Sure i draw at work, but it is only layouts and outers.

What kind of drawing do I do?

... um I do hope to post soon, i told some friends I would ^_^;;

]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/5973353/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/5973353/ Mon, 18 Jul 2005 23:59:46 PDT As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
For I am all I've done

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me

Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me

Remember me
Remember... me...
-JOSH GROBAN "Remember"

I haven't Posted anything in months
In truth I haven't drawn anything in months (and this isn't just something that happend suddenly, I have slowly stopped)
I kept thinking that oneday a hero on a white horse would bring me out of this slump or like the phoenix I would be resurected and glow brighter then before. But that I know now those thoughts are just fantasy.
I will not completely leave deviant. I just wanted my watchers to know that they shouldn't expect any new work from me for a while. I don't know when I shall post again. But I will keep visiting DA, reading journal, comments and viewing others work. I can't not completly leave this site, cuase I enjoy coming here.

Well if anyone is interested I have started up a sister gallery this gallery features early artwork I did from elementary to highschool. I will update it when I can, cause I have many pieces to show.

This isn't goodbye... I hope to back... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4991446/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4991446/ Sun, 03 Apr 2005 19:24:20 PDT I passed my two classes with A's

For Spring break I went to Vegas (with my mom, dad and friend cheryl)... (I wasn't drunk!!! I tells ya... just buzzed). I enjoyed myself and was sorry to leave. There was so much to see and do there! We stayed at the Hilton, my parents got a suite. Our first night there we wandered around the strip, and took the long way back to the hilton (we weren't lost I could see the hotel, just took the long way). the second night I got a drink called Mind meld (aka happy drink)... that was my frist time ever being buzzed, my head was on a swing it was fun ~^_^~. Our last day I didn't feel to well, but I still enjoyed myself. I like the startrek experiance there!!! what was so much fun!!! and the hotels are beautiful along the strip!!! I would love to go again.

The rest of the week I spent with friends.

I missed my doctors appointment (which was my bad, I thought friday was the 29th) ~_~ and I'm out of pills. So I wont be seing the arthitis doc till the middle of may.

Well Tomorrow I start school ~_~ I'll be in class mondays: I'll be away from 5am to 10pm. and I also have class on fridays: I'll be gone 5am to about 6pm. but I have three free days in the middle of the week.
I have mixed feeling about school... but I'm trying not to think about it.... I've had such a good week...
I've felt like jen and I don't wanna spoil it.

Oh I got to see Ryan a couple of weeks back ! he's back in san degio!

I'll try my best to not dissaper... I don't wanna ^_^

I think I had a better spring break this year (i'm gonna read my past journal cause I can't remember) ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4521646/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4521646/ Mon, 28 Feb 2005 14:05:23 PST How well do you know your Jen???
Lets see! click on the link and take the quiz, its only 10 questions.

[link]

okie... we are going to review the quiz cause it looks like most people have taken it... but if you haven't don't read any farther ^_^

Here are the results:
90: Philip (cheater ^_^)
70: Richard, Cheryl
60:Stephanie, Mike, Autumn
50: Matt, Jakki, Jillas, Debbie, Paul
40:Mark, Miji, Brad, Jessica
30:Kristen, James, Digi sista Sara, Digi sista Kelly
20: Stella, Andrea, Justin
So it looks like 6 have Passed Jen 101... the rest of you will have to repeat the course XD hee hee... I'm Kidding. This quiz was all in fun, I think i had to many triva questions about myself ^_^;;

Then lets review:
1) Whats my Middle name? Erica... I am named after my dad, Eric. Erica would have been my first name if my mom would have had her way. But My dad chose my first name, Jennifer (I was named after some random student in one of his classes).

2)I have a scar on my chest, how did I get this scar? My cat snowball freaked out while I was holding her, and scratched me. I'm not sure what freightend her, I remember I was standing near the restroom, so it might have been the sound of the faucet. She got my chest and under my arms, but only one scratch on my chest scared.

3)How did jen get the attention of her 1st crush, Ben? Held a Gremlin ransom... Yes its true in 6th grade, Ben had this little Gremlin figurine and I stole it and held it for ransome (the ransome was for him to talk to me ^_^;... and It worked, it got him to talk to me and we laughed about it ^_^;; yeah... I was wierd >_<;;

4)When I die what do I want to be buried with? Plushie Simba... I love my simba, even thought its not one of my oldest plushie, I'm quite attached to it( I've cried on him many times, and has kept me company with I sleep so when I take the eternal sleep I want him there with me). I think it cause he is the right size to hold in my arms ^_^;;

What is Jen most afraid of? Lonelyness... Truth is I'm afriad of all those listed, earthquakes, heights and dropping from them and spiders... but lonelyness terrifies me the most. I hate being alone, and when think of my future I see my self alone and that scares me >_<

6)Who gave Jen her 1st and only love letter? James... I hate to say it but it was >___< I still have the letter too. Kinda sad that he is the only one. He put the letter in one of my books after school and told me to read it when I got home. I remember I knew what it was and freaked out cuase I didn't want to hurt him, but I was flattered cuase someone liked me. I don't think Jay and Ryan ever saw me that way, not with so many other more attactive girls in the nieghborhood. I don't think Ben shared the same feelings.

7) what is jen's favorite color? Blue... I like any shade any of blue.

8)How do you spell Jen's last name? Tourtillott

9)What inspired young jen to pick up a pencil and draw? Jurassic Park... the first picture I drew for fun was a picture of Tim and the Raptors in the Kitchen, before that I only drew pictures in class of arttime. After that I started drawing dinosaurs and it snowballed after the Lionking(thats when I decided to do animation).

10) Why does Jen like sugar cookies? because they were given to you as a gift from Jay and Ryan... One year for Chirstmas the Ingels gave me baked goods and those were the best sugar cookies ever ~^_^~

well thats it... thanks everyone for taking my quiz *hugs*
love you all ^_^ ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4322331/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4322331/ Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:28:11 PST Nick trip was fun, the interior of the studio is awesome!... but when they looked at my work. The reviewers didn't say much (which is like saying you suck, but we can't say that), besides looks Disney, Simple and need more. They didn't tell me how to improve like the other students. so... yeah... whatever ~_~ Life sucks. and I'm not sure what to do now.
So, you shouldn't waist your time here... I'll post some places that your better off going to.
*sigh* ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4290759/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4290759/ Mon, 10 Jan 2005 23:07:23 PST
Jen is emotionally stressed. Currently I feel as though my loyalties are being torn (its a horrible feeling) because they have been questioned. Jen is unsure what to do... ~_~ ARG!!! ;_;

I've been listening to Phantom of Opera recently(my mom's had a cd for years)... I've fall'n for the song "Think of Me"...
Think of me
Think of me fondly
When we say goodbye
Remember me once in awhile please promise me you'll try
When you find that once again you long you take your heart back and be free
If you ever find a moment spare a thought for me
...
Recall those days, look back, on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do-
There will never be a day, when I won't think of you..
;_; its so beautiful!!!! *sob cry sob sob*

I finished reading "The Funny Thing Is..." by Ellen Degeneres today. I must say that it is an Awesome book!!! I love it!!! *huggles book* If ya interested, I'll let ya barrow if you want.
I will quote some of my favorite parts:
-"If you want to know the truth, I blame the microwave for most of our problems. Anything that gets food that hot without fire is from the devil. If you don't believe me, put a Hot Pocket in your microwave for 3 od 4 mins. then pop that thing in your mouth. If that's not Hell, my friend, I don't know what is."
-From Ellen's Ideas on Happiness "5. Drink lots of water. I can't function unless I drink a lot of water. My favorite way to drink water is to put it in a tray, make icecubes, then put one of those cubes into a big ol'glass of scotch. Lets have some now shall we?"
- From Ellen's list of phrases that shouldn't be used "He/She wouldn't hurt a fly' Everyone hurts flies. Someone realized the hatred of flies is so universal that they actually came up with a device to kill them. They tried to disguise it with a nice gentle name: a Fly swatter. No it's a fly squasher. Nobody buys it just to swat at them playfully...'You win some, you lose some' Although, I do have the habit of saying this one during sex... 'That J.Lo is a hot little number" (I know that's not technically an expression, but my mom said it once and I'd prefer she never say it again.)"
-10 things Ellen hates this week "The way ranch dressing is always ordered 'on the side.' Its the mistress of salad dressing. Won't somebody stand up and make a commitment to ranch dressing? Stop treating her like a whore. Let her come with the salad to the dinner party. Don't force her to drive in a separate car!"
With the stress I've had these last couple of days, this book put a smile on my face and I've had to control my outburst of laughter XD

Well back in to the shadow for Jen... End. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4162624/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4162624/ Sun, 26 Dec 2004 15:15:15 PST Christmas is a Sugar cookie!!! ~^_^~
A Sugar cookie that you share!

On Christmas eve Paul and Mark stoped by my place... and they got kiddnapped, and were taken to church (note to anyone that stops by my place during a holiday you will mostlikely be kiddnapped and taken to my parent's church). And I enjoyed church for once, and felt what Christmas was all about... Being there side by side with Friends and Family (my parents and my aunt, uncle and cousin monkey). That was my Highlight this year for Chirstmas.
I then hung out over at Mark's and Kristen's place with them, little monkey, and Paul. After I got home I made Pies, and finished wraping gifts.
I woke up on Christmas day, I was dressed by 9/10ish so that we could go to my aunt Theresa's up in VictorValley (we haven't gotten up early to unwrap presents in a long time, we open when we get back from the function. This year we brought them up since there wasn't that many). The Family Function started at 1pm... we didn't leave till around 2pm. And this year we set a new record of being late (we are always late to family stuff) we were around 2 hours late. By the time we got there several of my family members where leaving, everyone already ate, the gag gift exchanged was done. We entered right as the last gifts were being handed out.
But I did get to talk to some of my cousins (not for long). My cousin Julie and I talked for a little while about what happend these last couple of months, she told me she went through the samething when she was attending UCR. A lot of my family members commented on how much wieght I've lost ~_~ Barbara commented "my chubby little girl is all skinny now"... I was like... Eh, Thanks ^_^;;. And my Aunt Theresa badgered me cause I took most of the leftover Impanadas home with me. And my mom argued back about how it was good for me to take them since I don't eat. My Impanadas, mine!!! No one ate any of the pies I made, since we got there late. It was nice seeing my all of my family even thought it was just for a little while. My uncles told me next time I should just leave, so I could get there on time ^_^;;
I didn't get much for christmas from family: some socks, Pjs, sweater, a jacket... but I did get Josh Groban live at the Greek (I found it at the last minute at costco and told my dad to get it) beside that my new mega-Bed was my christmas present.

I hope you all had a wonderful chirstmas! and remember...
"Don't get so busy that you miss, Giving just a little kiss to the ones you love.
Don't even wait a little while to give them a little smile, A little is enough.
How could you wait another minute a hug is warmer when you're in it, thats a fact.
And saying "I love you's" always better Seasons, reasons, they don't matter, so don't hold back!
Don't save it all for Chirstmas day... find your way to give a little love everyday!" ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4126929/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4126929/ Wed, 22 Dec 2004 10:58:47 PST *dances with Keyblade*
when you walk away you don't hear me say... Oh baby don't go... simple and clean is the way you are making me feel tonight... do do do... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4090723/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4090723/ Fri, 17 Dec 2004 19:09:50 PST But things never last... ~_~
I cried today (for about 3 hours)... yay!!! negative feeling is back... ( really hate that the only way for me to express my emotion is by crying... I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm stressed, I cry when I'm angery, and I cry when I'm upset... I hate it)
I broke.
It was hard to deal with her for 2 days in a row.
Yesterday she said somestuff (about my friends)... and I just ignored it ~_~ the best I could. but then today... I come home from school (which was my mistake, this is one reason I don't like to come home before I go out) and she kicked up a big fuss about hanging out with my friends (which I told her about the otherday... arg!!!). So I just gave in... and said fine I won't go. Stuff was said again... I kinda zoned out after awhile. So I've been in a pissy/ emotional mood all afternoon, and forced to clean.

Its not really the fact that she wouldn't let me out... but its more that I have this feeling that I'm a Dog that just rolls over, and stand there with my legs between my legs. I don't fight back. When she says stuff about my friends, I try to defend them... but I really don't fight back. And I realized that... "what kind of friend am I letting her say that kind time about the People I really care about", I should fight for them. And Today I just gave in instead of fighting. I really think I should have just left and gone through with my normal plan. But I didn't cuase I'm Obedient Dog!!! a Fucking Obedient Dog Damn it!!!
So today Learned, that one reason I like to sleep, is cause when I sleep I don't cry (I hate crying, I've cried for almost 2 years. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of that feeling! and when it seems like I've gotten myself back together I end up breaking again)... Sleep is the one relief from the pain. Also no matter how hard I hold my Simba it can never hold me back so then why do I always run to my simba when I'm upset. I think I'm going to bed soon... my eyes sting (could be cause I took some sleeping pills earlier).
And I'm now on winter break... so the nagging will continue...
*Smiles... but is screaming inside*
*twitch twitch* ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4086636/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/4086636/ Fri, 17 Dec 2004 08:35:37 PST I've almost completed all my x-mas Shopping... almost... I will be done soon, I hope. My next paycheck isn't until the day before x-mas, which really sucks.

i had my 4th "holiday get-to-gether" with my friends from highschool (we hold one every year to exchange gifts). This year instead of having a dinner party at my house ( cuase I had parent isums) we went to olive garden (mmm tasty). All went well, we ate, opened gifts, and went looking at chirstmas lights. This year there we didn't have party crasher james XD hee hee. I had fun, and enjoyed my time with everyone. And I would like to say Thankie for my gifts... I love you guys!!! i hope you all had a good time like myself!!!.

I've been waiting to see if the family will recieve a x-mas card from the Ingles family or Hazel... I would like to hear from them. I should send them a card.
I've also been waiting to see If i'll get a visit from Jay and Ryan (Like last year)... but I don't have high hopes on that. I've heard that Ryan is away at sea for like 4months... and I haven't heard anything from Jay. But it would be nice to see them (even thought I'm afraid if I do see them again I might be thrown back in an emotional rutt, cause I think I'm finally over that).

Its kinda sad that this will be my first holiday with out my grandparents on the tourtillott side. Its hard to imagine that there will be no call from them, package sent, and no visit to cederville. I wish that I could visit their grave during this holiday time and leave them flowers... but they are so far away.

Um... I'm not doing much this holday season... i'll be home. I'm not sure where X-mas will be held at this year, maybe my aunts... I 'm not sure. I might take this free time to improve my drawing, and sleep... Zzzzzz.... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3964744/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3964744/ Wed, 01 Dec 2004 14:02:59 PST
The Looking glass theory... one sees themselves how those around them see him/her. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3789307/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3789307/ Mon, 08 Nov 2004 22:59:57 PST Well I decide to take a walk this afternoon, to hopefully clear my mind. Well on my way back home I decide I'll stop by cloverdale elemenary (like old times, with Jay, Ryan and co.) and go visit the playground. As I walk past the Slide I realize how tall I've become, and how I can remember the slide ladder being so high. I Sit on one of swings, and do what one does on a swing. For no reason at all, I smiled. The Rushing feeling while swinging was something I had forgotten. Soon my swinging is interuped by some kids (one girl and one boy looked like they were middle schoolers) passing by the school. They yell down to me "Why are you swinging all by yourself?" and several trys yelling back to them (they couldn't hear me cause of the distance and passing cars) "Cuase I want to", the girls response is "Well you look like a Nerd". And laugh as I continue to swing "Thank you" and as they leave she called out " Your welcome". I didn't care what some middle school kids think of me on a swing by myself. I think to myself, if those kids had not been so far away I would have responed to them "One day you will realize that your dreams are out of reach. That the reality of this cruel world is going to rush your spirit. You'll realize that you are utterly alone in this life. And Then you will wish to go back to a simple time. A time when anything is possible. So you will want to return to this swing, and lose yourself in the memory". ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3723092/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3723092/ Mon, 01 Nov 2004 09:08:46 PST 's Journal...

[ Name ] Jennifer Erica Tourtillott
[ Nicknames ] Jenny, Jen, Jen-Jen, Jenation, Jenichi-kun, Nichi (ni'chikichi-kun... is that right jakki???), Homie JT (some times Home Dog)
[ Screen name ] Artjenesis or Jenichi_kun and new confused_cheesecake
[ Birthday ] September 23, 1983
[ Age ] 21
[ Weight ] let me check.... *runs up stairs*...... according to the old scale in my mom's bath room I'm about 138lbs.
[ Astrological sign? ] Libra... or Virgo... I think I'm both ^_^
[ Chinese zodiac sign? ] Boar ~_~ ... why??? >_<
[ Location ] CA
[ Marital Status ] Single
[ Eye color ] Brown
[ Height ]I don't know, I have to check that to... *looks for tape measure*.... about 5'4''
[ Shoe size ] 9 to about 10 ish
[ Parents still together? ] Yes
[ Siblings? ] yes an Older brother (there is an 11 year difference between us, we arn't every close ~_~ )
[ Nieces/Nephews? ] Nope
[ Kids of your own? ] Nope....
[ Grandkids? ] O_o... what if I said yes... XD
[ Pets? ] 1 cats: Patches and cat60, 3 Dogs: Rusty, Susie, shadow, 1 Macaw: Pokie Joe, 1 Guinea Pig: Snickers
[ Education? ] Graduated from Harvest Valley Elementary School, Palm Middle School, Valley View Highschool, and Riverside Community College. Current Education Art Insitute.
[ Rent, lease, or own your home? ] nope, live with parents
[ Have any credit cards? ] No..
[ What do you drive? ] Yes, for about um 3 years now... I think... might be 4 if you count learning.

Favorites
[ Color ] All hues and shades of Blue,
[ Number ] 55 and 4
[ Animal ] all Felines, Dolphins/Orcas, Wolfs, Guinea pigs!!! um... I like all animals really.
[ Vehicle ] and car painted blue?
[ Flower ] Cherry blossoms, Jasmine, Golden Poppys
[ Scent ] ... there are times when I just wake up in the morning at about 9ish and there is this fresh air scent (but its kinda rare cause the temp is just right)
[ Shape ] heart or star
[ Soda ] Dr. Pepper
[ Book ] um... don't really have a fav. but um... jurassic park or the Last unicorn (are the 2 books I've read the most)
[ Band ] does Wierd Al count? or Josh Gorban... Goo Goo Dolls
[ Song ] so many... um... all weird al song, all Josh Gorban songs... the one that is poping in to my head currently is "Wind Beneath my Wings"
[ Food ] Fideo! the way Grandma use to make it.

Do you...
[ Color your hair? ] I did once back in highschool for Prom, (when I went with matt ^___^) I went blonder.
[ Twirl your hair? ] with my fingure, sometimes yes
[ Piercing? ] one hole on each ear.
[ Cheat on tests/homework? ] Yup! I use to do it all the time in Spanish class back in highschool.
[ Drink/Smoke? ]No smoke, I like to drink, but not much (cuase some part of me is afraid I would abuse it, and become an alcholic)
[ Like roller coasters? ] yes... and no... depends on the ride ^_^
[ Wish you could live somewhere else] any where... where I'm surrounded by those I love.
[ Want more piercings? ] Not really.
[ Like cleaning? ] God no.... unless its helping friends, or I have someone cleaning with me, I hate cleaning cause its such a lonely task.
[Write in cursive or print? ] Print
[ Swear a lot? ] not really... rare only if I'm stressed or being stupid, most people laugh when I try to swear or curse in every day speech.
[ Own a web cam? ] yes... its over by the printer somewhere.
[ Know how to drive? ] yes
[ Diet? ] not really... just don't eat.
[ Own a cell phone? ] yes... the bills, the bills!!! ahhh!!!
[ Ever get off the computer? ] sometimes to sleep and interact with people.
[ Habla Espanol? ] eh... Si? maybe I shouldn't have cheated on those spanish tests ^_^;;

Have you ever...
[ Gotten a speeding ticket?] Nope! woot woot!
[ DUI? ] Nope!
[ Been in a wreck? ] Nope! yay!
[ Been arrested?] No, I'm a goodie good ~_~
[ Been in a fist fight? ] Never I'm a wuss.
[ Stolen anything? ] Yes when I was little I stole this little thingy( it was some little object for a doll house, I think it was a duck) from a Joe Anns store.
[ Held a gun? ] No, i think Jay offered to let me hold of his dads guns once.
[ Drank? ] Yes!!! I want to drink more!
[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?] No... but I want to!!!!!!
[Considered a life of crime? ] no, I would so get caght.
[ Considered being a hooker? ] Yes ^_^ when i was trying to figure out some other career besides art.
[ Cried over a gi... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3698020/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3698020/ Thu, 28 Oct 2004 22:11:34 PDT confused cheesecake
is a Varied Artist
is Female
is a deviant since May 27, 2003, 8:18 AM
has 6,666 pageviews
is located in United States
is online

I got my own 6,666. woot??? ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3506847/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3506847/ Mon, 25 Oct 2004 12:10:27 PDT
Well I go in for my eyelid surgery today hopefully I don't lose my eye ^_~ ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3351214/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3351214/ Wed, 22 Sep 2004 02:10:07 PDT Play it just for me
as the seasons change remember how I use to be
now I can't go on
I can't even start
I've got nothing left just an empty heart
I'm a solidier wounded so I must give up the fight
Theres nothing more for me lead me away
or leave me laying here

Sound the Bugle now
Tell them I don't care
theres not a road I know that leads to anywhere
With out a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down and decide not to go on

Then from on high somewhere in the distance
Theres a voice that calls remember who you are
If you lose yourself your couarge soon will follow so be strong tonight
Remember who you are...

Have I ever mentioned how I love this song??? ~_~

It would be so easy to go to bed now... forget about my finals... fail my classes... and I ask myself why not forget about finals?
You know... I know that life isn't easy, and I'm not asking for it to be, but I'm thinking shouldn't it be enjoyable? ~_~ I've lost my passion for what I thought was my dream, and thats why I've waited to do my work. which I'll go back to doing soon then sleep for 2 hours and wake up and go back to working ~____~

Well my birthday is in a day... and I'm going to be 21!
I don't wanna be an adult ~_~ *sigh* but I have no choice, at least I can drink. Its sad, my grandma's birthday was the same day as mine (9/23) so my b-day will always be a reminder that she is no longer with us. This year there will be no call to grandma to wish her a happy birthday ~_~ and reminds me that I regret not being closer to her.
Well the 24th is my other grandma's b-day and my mom's side of the family is having a dinner, on the 25th, which will be fun. Hinojos family gatherings are always fun.

Awww... Patches looks so cute, sleeping on the copy of the OC weekly laying on the floor. Also It is Patches B-day this week I believe. she is going to be 8 years old I figured, which is the longest we have ever had a cat.

sleepy tired... so much to do... and I don't think I can get it all done and if I do, it will be a crappy job. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3274375/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3274375/ Thu, 02 Sep 2004 23:14:27 PDT (only for the next 40 mins or so XD)
then it will 20 days... but I thought it sounded cool... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3247054/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3247054/ Mon, 30 Aug 2004 12:27:09 PDT
Guess what?
Happy feels gone... I knew it wouldn't last... ~_~
if this is how 21 is going to be... I wanna go back to 16 or something when I remember being happy, and not crying or stressing, the only time I would stress would be when I had a paper due in class or something. >___< I never thought I would be the way Iam now ~__________~

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!
>_< ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3234202/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3234202/ Sat, 28 Aug 2004 19:36:42 PDT Jen Tourtillott
is a Varied Artist
is Female
is a deviant since May 27, 2003, 8:18 AM
has 6,000 pageviews
is located in United States
is online

I got my own 6,000 page view... lucky me, I guess. well heres to 6000 more... banzai!!!

Um... in other news, my mom thinks I'm gay again ~_~ I wouldn't say we had a fight... it was just an exchange of words (started out with me wearing my maroon collar. My saying I'm going to be 21 and should look like it and blah blah... ~_~ I don't think I'll wear it anymore, maybe they are right... if anyone wants it let me know), and she hinted that I was "weird" and that I knew what she ment (most of the time she'll say stuff like "I worry about you sometimes" when she askes me why I don't have a boyfriend). Of course I knew what she ment but, I played the stupid daughter, to pretend it didn't upset me in anyway. I should be use to this now ([link] <- this was a year ago and she did the same thing).... I just don't like it when my mom says those things, cuase its like she is trying to find some way to insult me or something... its hard to explain... but its the same feeling I get when I remember James Roweez's "the only relationship she's ever had was with her cat" statement (I should forget about that... its been what 5/6 years since he said that... but... its true... ~_~) ... meh.

I did make an appointment to see the doctor about the growth on my eyelid... but its not for another 2 weeks Sept 10. Hopefully I will also have an eye exam so I can get new glasses also. eh, I think thats about it... but we are starting to plan for Debbies going away party, shes busy with her engadment so next weekend is the only time we can through her a party. So I might be busy with that this week. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3221595/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3221595/ Thu, 26 Aug 2004 23:12:29 PDT
well in the world of jen... theres some good news, well for the past two weeks I haven't felt as bad as I did before (I think, I'm not really sure how I feel anymore @_@) but I haven't had this feeling like crying in two weeks like I use to... so that is good I guess. Its all kinda hard to explain and stuff. But I just know I don't feel like I did before 2 weeks ago.
Um... I've signed up for my fall classes... yay I'm taking morning classes again. Monday class 7:30 to 4:30, Tuesday 7:30 to 4:30 and Friday 7:30 to 11:30. yeah ~_~ that mean I get to wake up at 4am or 5am 5days out of the week.... Fuck!!! and for 2 times out of week my ass gets to sit in 91 freeway rushhour traffic!!! woot!!!! ~_~
I've sent out my driver license renewal, which means I'm goint to be 21 soon >_< not really sure how I feel about that too... some childlike part of me is like woot!!! birthday!!!! yay!!! and the other is like Fuck... I'm going to be an adult (what ever an adult is?) another year closer to death ~_~
I'm also really sorri for not much artwork posted... i'm still not happy with really any of my work >_< but maybe, I'll post something new.
um... beside that my finals are coming up in about 4 to 3 weeks... thats about it, I guess.
well adios reader/artjenesis watcher ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3127874/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3127874/ Wed, 18 Aug 2004 01:30:12 PDT X____________X
it hurts.... >_<

Aug 18th
um... I'm sorri about that my friends....
I got stressed out, really stressed out and emotional ~_~;;
Thank you for your concern, and messages to this disturbing journal entry.
But oddly I feel better... I feel a lot better. I feel more like myself then I have in a long time. I hope this feeling lasts (I'm trying to think postive, when I know that in a couple of months when Debbie moves away I will have another breakdown... but till then... I wanna continue to feel how I feel now with no fear of the future, not letting the past over take me, or listen to the negative voice.) Its kind of confusing why I suddenly feel so different... I think I know why but I'm not really sure....

When I am down and , oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit a while with me

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, ot walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders....
-You Raise Me Up
by pretty pretty man voice... er.. um.. I mean Josh Groban

Each of you has a special place in my heart and all of you are in my thoughts every moment I take a breath.

Currently I love the song all'improvviso amore by josh groban which I believe translate to "Suddenly Love". but i'm tired right now so I will converse about Pretty man voice later =3 ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3126954/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3126954/ Sat, 14 Aug 2004 20:04:23 PDT
title: eh...
Journal Entry: Thu Aug 14, 2003, 8:23 PM

Well life has gotten better... sorta. I've gotten an new car yeah!!! its a 2001 Pontiac Sunfire, I have dubbed it the Inuyasha car because its Red ^_^( really would have liked a blue car <=3 but this one was a good price). So now I have to worry about paying for the car and car insurence X_X which mean I have to keep the weekday part-time gig at work(instead of switching back the weekend part-time like i was). But know that summer school has ended I've been trying to spend more time with friends (but i can't this week because my dad is up and my grandma's place so its just me and my mom here at the house).
Well I've been really stressed out lately becuase, I just found out that Cal State Fullerton (the 4 year school I was going to transfer to) has canceled there spring admissions due to CA buget cuts. this would be to bad, if it wasn't for my mother who has been threating to kick me out of the house if I wasn't in a 4 year school after the fall. So I've been really stressed out about this, cuase I haven't told my mother about the cancelation and I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do now...
It almost like I will have wasted a year of my life if I wait to transfer next fall (and I know thats what my mom is going to say)... and I want to blame myself becuase of my lack in confinence in myself. I feel that I've been waiting to transfer, because I don't feel my artistic skills are good enough and emotionally I'm don't feel ready. At times I hate the person that I've become.
well enough of listening to the evil little voice in my head. ^_^ I still try to be a happy person and try not to let the uncertainty of the future worry me to much (which I feel is one of my flaws, I live in the present to much and not plan for the future like I should)

thoughts on august 14 2003 entry:
YAY!! well the Inuyasha car is now year old!!! ^_^ that means I should have a check up for my car... so It will last another year.

I was still working for slavecrest weekdays... but i did end up switching back to weekends.

My dad was up in cedarville helping out my grandma this week a year ago... ~_~

And I never made it to fullerton, like i had planned at the time >_<

I also feel the same way emotionlly then as I do now (but a little worse now) ... which isnt' good ~_~

I guess that means I've been here at DA for over a year now... I never really thought about that... spiffy... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3085688/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/3085688/ Mon, 09 Aug 2004 19:51:44 PDT *shudders*
my character design miderm went well today
my only worry is storyboarding... out midterm is a 60 panal storyboard, all I have done is the tumbnails and its due thursday. But some how It will get done (even though I really don't feel like doing it.... which is a bitch because I can remember a time when I got excited about doing art related projects... and now its dead ~_~ but don't tell my parents they spend a lot of money to keep me here)
meh...
well that means I only have 6 weeks left of the summer quarter >_< ahh!!! and then only 6 weeks till I'm 21... AHHHH!!!! X_____X scary.

*sigh*
till next time ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2984581/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2984581/ Wed, 28 Jul 2004 00:06:44 PDT yeah I think it is.
um... don't know what to say really... I've been in school I haven't really been passionate about my studies and homework lately, and thats my own fault and I know I will have to suffer the consiquences of my actions and such. *shurgs* and once again I have no nails > _< I'm so weak! I've started the habbit of biting them again down to nothing *sigh*

I've deleted some of the stuff in my gallery (like anyone would notice) and I've moved some stuff to the scraps. I'm just not happy with my work recently, which is why there hasn't been any new art uploads lately.

I'm listening to my "land before time" soundtrack cuase I've been in a soundtrack kinda of mood. so now I have movie lines running through my head X_X

"dear sweet littlefoot do you remember the way to the great valley?"
"I guess so but how do I know your going to be with me?"
"I'll be with you even if you can't see me."
"what do you mean if I can't see you? I can always see you"
"Littlefoot, let your heart guide you? it whispers so listen closely...."
"Mother?.... mother?"

"...hey whats your problem your not hurt?"
"she should have known better... that was sharptooth... it's all her fault"
"all who's fault?"
"Mothers! why did I wander so far from home?"
"Oh, I see. I see. now you pay attention to old Ruter. It is nobody's fault the great circle of life has began but you see not all of us arrive together in the end."
"but, what do I do I miss her so much?"
"and you'll always miss her but she'll always be with you as long as you remember the things she taught you. In a way you'll never be apart for you are still apart of eachother."
"my tummy hurts."
"that too will go away in time little fella.... only in time."

I remember most of the lines in that movie, it was my fav before the lion king. I still have my littlefoot plushie which was also my fave... but then I got my plushie simba >_< Sorri Littlefoot (I think it was cause simba is smaller then littlefoot so easier to playwith). I should take littlefoot out of the closet.
you know when I stop and look back at that movie, there was alot of emotional shit in it >_< I don't think any other animated film in which the main character loses someone do they show how upset the character feel. I never really noticed that as a kid. Think about it right after the mom died they showed the converstation between littlefoot and Ruter, Littlefoot chasing his own shadow thinking it was his mother, they tell you he got depressed ( the narrator says he didn't notice his hunger, and forgot the way to the great valley) and then he warms up to the foot print of what looks like his mothers print. thats some deep stuff there, that I never really thought of as a kid watching it. I should watch it again some time.
yeah that was just me going off on a tangent sorri ^_^;; ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2866834/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2866834/ Mon, 12 Jul 2004 22:37:14 PDT I found this in a book about suriving loss in the school's library:

Spring: Leaves grows. Love grows.
Summer: Love dies. I drive away tears in my eyes.
Autumn: Leaves fall. I fall.
Winter: I die. I drive away nothing in my eyes.

...hopefully i will return to my old self and will be back in full force.


.............
Damn it all!!!
I want them back...
I want my Grandpa, and Grandma... Mr. Lutez......
Jay and Ryan, Hazel.... I miss them all... and theres nothing I can do to bring them back in to my life.
doubt had flooded my mind once more... I wonder if my grandparents really knew how much I loved them... and ahhh.... make the pain stop. I don't want to lose any one else....
now I hear debbie is moving to San Degio... so I will be seeing her even less then I do now... just like jessica (she only lives about an hour away, and I only see her once in a blue moon)..... eeh... I'm going to go sleep... I like that reality better then this one. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2780435/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2780435/ Thu, 01 Jul 2004 13:49:36 PDT squeee ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2752277/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2752277/ Mon, 28 Jun 2004 01:16:43 PDT
after all this I feel that I've lost more then just my grandmother... but something more...
I feel like I've lost so much... and when it looks like the wound is healing I lose something else and I'm torn once more.
while I was up in Cederville in church on sunday... a song called "count your blessing" was sung... and I thought to myself "how can I count my blessing when slowly they are torn from me?"
The service was nice... my brother got in front of everyone and made a lovely speech (I was proud of him, and awed in his strengh), my grandma had many friends and family. There wasn't much to do in Cederville, but I loved to be around my family (I didn't find any real comfort). I loved the enviroment of my family being together but I only wish it could have been under a better situation.
Since my return I've only had a couple breakdowns but I still feel the pain of loss and a horrible feeling of regret.
So I'm home again... my parents are still up north, hopefully to return soon.

"slipped away" avril lavigne
I miss you
I miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh its so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
was the day I found
It wont be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
good bye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happend you passed by
Now your gone, now your gone
There you go, There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now your gone, now your gone
There you go, there you go
Somewere you're not coming back

I miss you ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2659639/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2659639/ Fri, 18 Jun 2004 21:44:01 PDT Sound the Bugle now, tell them I don't care, theres not a road I know that leads to anywhere, without a light I fear that will stubble in the dark, lay right down and decide not to go on...." -Sound the Bugle Now "Spirit Stallion of the Cimmeron"

at 10am on Monday Grandma Tourtillott passed away.
I will be flying up to Cedarville Ca later in the week after my finals are over (so i might disappear off the net for a while).

Currently it hasn't really hit me yet... but I know it will soon and I will be an emotional blubbering mess and that I will try to hide it the best I can and cry when i'm a alone... cuase thats what Jen's do >_<
*sigh*
I will miss her... my dad tells me that I'm a lot like my grandma in some of our mannerisms. and its been a year and a month ago my Grandpa Tourtillott passed away. I know this is going to really hard on my dad.

I would like to thank those that have commented on this journal that is really nice of you.

Jen is currently not sure how she is dealing with all this....
I'm not grieving like I normally do, which has me a little freaked out. Normally I'm really emotional breaking down crying when I'm alone... currently I haven't done that... all that has happend is an occasional teary eyes. I feel the pain but I'm not sure if I'm releasing it or what ever. I think I have cryed so much in the last 2 years that I can't do it anymore... I'm on empty. And normally when things like this happen I have this feeling/need to be around friends and such... that feeling is gone... I could kinda careless and that I don't care being alone (which is so not me ~_~ I would hate to be alone. Which is because I think that I've convinced myself that feelings of togetherness/friendship/love/caring aren't as important as I once thought). Also the wish for a shoulder to cry on is gone I don't really care, or long for it. But like normal I'm really embarressed and ashamed to talk about my feelings (for example I feel really stupid writting this) but on the other hand I would really like to talk about what I'm feeling and find comfort (which means I might edit this journal). I will be leaving Saturday for Cederville... it will be my first time being on an airplane by myself X_X;; I've only flown once in my life... so I'm a little nevous and I will most likely have to drive down from cederville, and I've never driven that far or that long before. But I guess all of this is just shaping me to be the a different jen. well I'm off to bed I should get at least 5 hours of sleep before I start studying for more of my finals.

June 18

Yesterday it hit me... the reality of all this hit me... of course I was in my car in traffic. I cried for about a good hour while driving home on the freeway. Its all started cause I Whistled. >_< something so simpled broke me. It is because once my dad told me that I whistle just like my grandma... and at our last visit when she was setting the table I noticed that we do whistle the same way. So after that it hit me, and I kinda dry cried (I guess thats what you would call it) on the way home... even when I got to my house... I didn't pull in the drive way (sorri I didn't want you guys to see me like that >_< ) so I drove around the street pulled over to the side till I calmed down. *sigh* once I get up north tomorrow it will really hit me that both grandma and grandpa are both gone... they will not see my 21st birthday, Me graduate from college, get married (which I doubt will ever happen anyways), thier grandkids (if I ever have any). what can ya do.... no matter how much you love someone or try to hold on to them... you can't have them in your life forever ~_~
Well i leave tomorrow at 7am on a flight up to Oakland then to Reno and get picked up to go to Cedarville. If something happpens to my flight just know my last thoughts will be of all of you ^_^ J/K I should be fine... just a little nevous about flying, if jen's where suppose to fly we would have been born with wings. Well toddles see you guys in a week or so I guess... hopefully.... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2475795/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2475795/ Sun, 23 May 2004 21:57:57 PDT can't sleep stress will get me....
can't sleep stress will get me....
eh.....
X_____________X
shot me....
;_;

I've updated my Scapbook (I'm not sure if it show in the DA watching thingy) but I will most likely upload a lot there since I like sketches more then finished work. ----> [link] ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2353028/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2353028/ Mon, 03 May 2004 18:14:26 PDT
THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys
"LOVING ONE. You need safety in your relationship. You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing that he will protect you and you can be totally devoted to your other. At this point you are very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont even think that he/she could cheat you. You totally trust your partner in every single way. SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or played a game this trust is broken. You may try to forgive your other but this will be very difficult.He/She has to be friendly and trustworthy"

What Do You Truly Desire?
"Peace. You Truly Desire Peace. Just relaxing somewhere calm with a light breeze against your cheecks is our ideal of pefect. You don't like to start fights, but instead, end them without using violence"

What Sign of Affection Are You?
"innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it that way"

What Emotion Dominates you?
Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but its there, and your friends can see it. You constantly feel alone, and need to do things to fill your time. Your afraid to tell people this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad way, and you think you screwed up everything. And when you are in love is when you are sad the most

What Kind of SOUL do you posses?
"You have a Calm Soul! Being calm and cool is what you do best. You collected thoughts and always positive attitude make you very bright and logical. When theres a problem, you know how to approach it, and solve it. Your friends rely on you on their problems, and your shoulder for their crying. You are peaceful, and enjoy nature and freedom. You rarely get angry and hardly scream, which makes you good with kids. You seem to be in tune with the world and if anything goes wrong, you always bounce back."

What's Your Element(girls)?
"You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted, care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You have friends and most absolutely love you. You can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging in anger the next so no one wants to get on your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and magical."

Where do you belong?
"You belong in the world of leaves and trees, where the wilderness can claim your soul. Somewhere like a jungle or a thick wooded forest would be your world. Intensely in tune with nature, you feel the world belongs to the natural ways that once ruled the planet. Be yourself, and everything will work out. Don't let the grind of the city destroy your free-as-a-bird nature".



This thought makes jen happy...Wierd Al is going to to perform at the Orange County fair this year, July 20-24!!! yay!!! I saw him there 2 years ago.... Squeeee!!! I wanna go!!! I will go!! and I will get the underwear!!!! ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2315609/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2315609/ Fri, 30 Apr 2004 19:42:44 PDT
"Many a time I have wanted to stop talking and find out what I really believed." - Walter Lippmann

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capble of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done" -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"I don't live in the past. The past lives in me." -Tom Osborne

"Faith is best defined as expecting the best until the worst has been proved." -Gerald Ensley

I've found more ^_^

"No one should have to walk alone" - Phuong Do

"Treasure each otherin the recognition that we don not know how long we shall have each other..." - Joshua Loth Liebman

"Nothing I carefully planned for my life has worked out. Everything of significance in my life has been an accident" - Al Burke

"One of the oldest human needs if having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night." - Margaret Mead

"Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age."- Jean Moreau

"You don't stop playing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop playing" - "DAD" Miller, Glendale Federal Savings TV Commercial

"...They form man's destiny, which is different and unique for each individual. No Situation repeats itself and each situation calls for a different response. Sometimes the situation in which a man finds himself may require him to shape his own destiny by action. Sometimes a man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross. When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept suffing as his task: his single and unique tast. He will have to struggle for the realization that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No man can relieve him of his suffering, or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden." - Viktor Frankl ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2232058/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2232058/ Thu, 22 Apr 2004 11:08:57 PDT jens been thinking reflecting....

4/16
.....
wierd...
I haven't been in my best mind frame lately, and I was taking my shower and I thought to my self "I wonder if I was ever an annoyance to Jay and Ryan when they lived next door?" by the end of my shower I convinced myself that I was an annoyance and told myself why would they ever want to be friends with me. I hear my cell phone ring, I can't rush and get it yet... cuase I'm still wet. When I'm dry I go see who called....... It was Jay O_O... i was in shock... I was about to cry...
For some reason when ever I feel like I've hit bottom something always happens to bring me out of it.
I'm feeling a little better now... the evil thoughts have calmed down some... and I see the light.

4/17
I'm tried....

4/22
Thank you for your comments. I'm feeling a lot better than last week. I'm trying to not let things bother me, not to shoot myself down so much. I still kinda feel that I'm every Depentant on others, and I'm still parnoid about losing the people in my life. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2121809/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2121809/ Sun, 04 Apr 2004 20:26:35 PDT [link] <--- link to a site on Mr. Lutes < =3

"Fly, fly little wing
fly beyond imagining
the softest cloud, the whitest dove
upon the wind of heaven's love
past the planets and the stars
leave this lonely world of outs
escape the sorrow and the pain
and fly again
....
fly, fly do not fear
don't waste a breath , don't shed a tear
your hearts is pure, your soul is free
bon on your way, don't wait for me
above the universe you'll climb
on beyond the hands of time
the moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget"
-Jean-Jacques Goldman & Phil Galdston, sung by Celine Dion

Monday: I cleaned... all day... thats all I did X_X
I had plans to do to RCC and I wanted to do something really spiffy for my friends there (I was going to bring them dinner and some snacks for the class, during/before thier class) but... that didn't happen... my mom Insisted that I stay home that evening and clean >.<

Tuesday: started out with me and my mom having a light argument. I got to wear my spiffy new skirt (that I've been debating to wear). but then I had my monthy visitor X_X so yeah I was cramping all afternoon....blah....
And I found out that one of my teachers passed away the night before (the one I was going to go visit on Monday and bring treats to class.... so thats really flustrating that I missed my last chance to see him for "cleaning"..... ). I knew him for about 5 years, I first met him when I was in Middle school taking a G.A.T.E art class during the summer, and I saw him every year since then either having one of his classes or just visiting. God damnit I'm tried....
But I was round friends all day which made me feel better (it always does)

Wensday: tierd.... I started out drained this morning... I felt kinda empty and lifeless. My mom wanted me home to do "chores" or something... but I didn't stay... I don't want to be home. But as the day went on and after spending a great deal of my time around friends I felt better, I felt a lot better.
I'm so not good at handling this kind of emotional stuff... i'm so weak. When ever stuff like this happens it ends up opening old wounds and then I start feeling worse and stuff. But I know I'll be fine it just takes time....

Thursday: I escaped the house... and went to RCC, for anime club. I still felt horrible, well I can't really say I felt I horrible. For a while I was feeling nothing, no sorrow no joy, I felt empty.

Friday: I went to Mr. Lutes funeral, it was a nice service. They also had a viewing... but I didn't go >_< I couldn't bring myself to, I know I would have broken down to mush if I did and I want to remember him the way he was. But when I got home to pick up an item my parents asked me about the funeral... my mom asked me if I had made a speech or anything during the service. I responded "no that I didn't" and my mom commented " I knew it"..... God damnit what does she want from me ~____~ I then spent the Afternoon with Michelle and Cheryl at the Mall.

Saturday: I worked. I cried >.< yeah I cried at work... well I got really teary eyed (I don't think any one noticed).... ~_~ Damnit!!! I don't handle these things well, I'm so fucking weak!!! When I'm alone I cry, and at work how more alone can you get sitting in a small 3 walled cubical with just a computer and phone. I sat there thinking about how much Mr. Lutes effected my life (he was one of the first teachers I had that encourged me and taught me about art and Under his instruction I feel that my skills improved) and how he would no longer be apart of it. I didn't want to be alone so I spend the rest of the day with friends Matt, Paul and Mike at the Mall.

Sunday: I worked. um... didn't cry... but did get a little emotional sitting in my cubical. Ya, know I have had an entire week off and I didn't draw... I think I drew a feel little dragon sketches in my sketch book but thats it > _< Then I spent my afternoon with my Friend Autumn ^_^ we watch some wolfs rain and went to the Mall (I hope you had fun too Autumn). But I think I'm feeling better... I have yet to cry today so, I think I'm getting over this... I think...but then I think i get over something and I get all emotional again ~_~

... So its been a icky spring break for me X____X I start school on Wensday ~_~ I don't wanna go back yet!!! ahhh!!!! ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2096984/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/2096984/ Sat, 27 Mar 2004 18:00:31 PST
um... not much new with me...
Kristen, Marie and Jessica had a fun trip to Las Vegas (I wish I could have gone) they brought me back a bag of all Blue M&Ms (they are so pretty how can I eat them O_O ) , a M&Ms postcard (also blue in color... they know me so well tee hee) and best of all Napkins!!! yay for Napkins (I need to get a book and start putting all my napkins together).
My relationship with my parents is still kinda shakey... I wish it wasn't... >_< I kinda feel bad about not being home and talking with them. I feel this gap increasing between us... when ever I try to talk to them my Dad doesn't listen, and my Mom will turn the conversation around and start attacking me.... donno..
um... I thinks thats it...
^________^
hopefully I'll post new art soon!!!! ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1984070/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1984070/ Tue, 09 Mar 2004 22:00:36 PST bark bark bark!!!
bark...
... bark
*plays with blue fox plushie*
bark bark bark bark bark!!!! ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1953728/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1953728/ Thu, 04 Mar 2004 20:45:23 PST _< I had thought such negative things about him. I should have know better, that he wouldn't have forgotten me... I felt like such awful friend for having such doubts. I then began thinking "why didn't I call him?"..."why didn't I call to see when he was coming into town?" "its my fault". Well I called him back on the way home and got an answer machine... so I knew... he's most likely gone. Jay then returned my call... He told me he was sorry and he had already left Moval... at that moment I wanted to cry... but I held it in. After a short conversation we said that when he returned next December we would get together and we said "bye". For the entire day I had been surrounded by friends and I couldn't tell anyof them how I felt, and about what was happening... and I wanted to... but I couldn't >_< I then became flustated with myself. Then after a short time at Game night when i was alone (the frist time the entire day) driving home.. I cried. Soon after getting home I just went to my room changed in to PJs, turned off the lights and bawled... untill I fell asleep (the next day Michelle asked what I did when I got home... I didn't say anything and was glad that Stephy had then taken the attention off of me). Wensday... I didn't feel well... I felt Emotionally drained... but I was once again surrounded by friends, which made me feel better, I had almost thought of not going to club rush, but thought it was better for me to be with friends then be alone. Today I'm feeling better I've accepted what happend... and Hate the fact that I will not see Jay again for 9 months... But I'm really flustrated with the fact that I didn't tell anyone how I felt (that really I only can talk about my feelings indirectly throught this damn journal) I don't know why I do that... because I do want to tell someone so that I can feel better. *sigh* yeah...I don't know...
Don't worry I'm okie <=3
-Jen ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1912587/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1912587/ Thu, 26 Feb 2004 21:09:18 PST Jen is happy... its been so long since I've felt this way. I feel like the old carefree jen that I once was.
Today Jay (my old neighbor) visited me. He's on his way to be stationed in Alaska, he is currently in the airforce. We only got to hang out for about an hour. Jay and Zach stoped by we talked then went to Taco Bell for lunch. But it felt so nice, like old times, we had some ackward silences but I didn't care it was just nice to be round them.
The Ingles family (my neighbors for 16 years. Emily, Jay, Ryan and I grew up together. When I was younger Emily and I did everything together... but as we grew older i became closer to Jay and Ryan. My mom would away tease me about which one I would Marry X_X but they never saw me in that way... they liked the prettier girls in the nieghborhood like Becky, Lindsay and Leane... and they are to much like brothers to me. Jay, Ryan and I did everything together, I can remember some of the most enjoyable times I had with them was just sitting on the curb in the summer evenings just talking... and Playing Risk 24/7 ^_^;; tee hee!!! ) moving away really took a toll on me. It broke me. It has been about a year since they moved away. And I think it was taken me about a year to get over it. I can't count how many times I cried this last year. I'm not really sure if I'm over it... but I don't cry anymore I still miss them and hate the fact that we aren't a part of eachothers lives anymore and that our friendship doesn't grow stronger. I think one of my biggest fears was that Jay and Ryan would forget about me. But with them coming and visiting me (once during new years and then today) maybe I have nothing to fear. I never really told anyone how much I missed them (except for Stephy... and that was like only 4 months ago and when I would write some of my journals).
Branching from all the Pain that I've exprience this last year... I began thinking about alienating myself from the friends I currently have (this has been a recent feeling) and with me going to a school outside the area I thought it would be for the best. I'm not really sure why I had/ have these feelings... but everytime that I would try something would stop me (friends ask me to go with them/hang out or something). And now I think that I might be holding to tightly to the friends I have and becoming an annoyance (Loitering at RCC X_X ) so I'm going to back off, and hope for the best.
Love/Caring leads to great Pain but you know its worth it.
I would also like to thank all my friends, new and old, for being there for me ^_^ just your presence made me feel better this last year. *Hugs* ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1845125/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1845125/ Sat, 14 Feb 2004 15:17:38 PST tee hee!!! I had to do it!!! yay for Monty Python and the Holy Grail!!!

After doing a couple of these on my friends journals I thought I would try it ^__________^

THE QUESTIONS
1 Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

(>'-')>

<('-'< ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1840366/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1840366/ Fri, 13 Feb 2004 20:43:37 PST "So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world"
My Fav verse from Elton John's "Your Song" , which is one of my fav love songs... its a great song ^_^

Happy Valentines Day Friends!!! (even though I'm writting this the daybefore V-day)
*HuGs*
This isn't one of my favorite holidays *shrugs* Cuase I've never had anyone to share it with... Meh... no loss I guess. I've given up on "love"... I don't think I'm capibable of that emotion... I've accepted the fact that will mostlikely be alone... But I have friends thats all I really need ^_______^

Memory Lane:
with Valentines day I'll tell ya about my first Crush... it was back in 6th grade... his name was Ben Valez ^_^ tee hee!!!... he wasn't the cutest guy at school... but I liked him (I never told him, I don't think I told anyone @_@ ). I remember we sat in the same group of tables in class, he liked to draw, and we had some common interest. I can remember I stole his toy Germlin that he brought to school and I held it for ransome (Gah... I was stupid back then... X_X ). I ended up missing the 6th grade dance cause of car problems, and when i found out that Ben had gone to the dance I was really upset >_< . Then during promotion I was really happy that I got to give him a hug. eh... after that I never saw him again. but yeah that was my first Childhood Crush ^_^;; ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1826074/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1826074/ Wed, 11 Feb 2004 00:14:35 PST I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good becuase it's bad for you
I believe you parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

*Chorus
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciated real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't contol or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who dissafree are millionaires

*Chorus

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded biss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorese TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

*Chorus
"Affirmation" - Savage Gargen
yay Steph for letting me copy/barrow this cd.. cuase I lost mine >_< and I've missed this cd... This is one of my fav tracks... cuase it incorportes many of the ideals I have ^_^
.... *sigh* .... I don't know.... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1762804/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1762804/ Thu, 29 Jan 2004 15:15:15 PST
Bark!
*scratches ear*

Bark Bark bark!!!! Bark BARK BARK!!!!!! .... bark....
*stares blankly at you*
Bark???
*sniffs you*

*runs in circles chasing tail*
bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark!!!
*stops*
*a girl stops and pets Inuki*
Girl: awww... look at the cute puppy... you wanna go home with me???
*Puts a collar and leash on Inuki and walks Inuki away*
Bark!!! bark bark.... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1756252/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1756252/ Wed, 28 Jan 2004 11:24:54 PST




At this moment in time I'm extremly pissed off at my Mom. I woke up this morning at 6 am and got ready to go over to Michelles house (Michelle, Cheryl, Jacqui and I where going to go to the Swapmeet in the morn, then afterwards I was going to use some of Michelle's artbooks to do my Lifedrawing homework. But I had only told my mom that I was going over to use her books, I'll get more in that later). When I was all dressed and ready at 7 am, I was on the internet getting a map to go to Michelle's house, my dad says that my mom wan't to talk to me. I go upstairs and my mom starts lecturing me. I had told her earlier that I would be home at 2 so that I could watch Miranda (she's a little girl in my nieghborhood that we just started watching after school, till her mom can pick her up) since my mom had a doctors appiontment at 3. Now my mom didn't want me to go at all. She started to tell me all these excused for me not to go... Your be wasting your gas... why not use the books that we have here at home... or the Library here in town... Then she told me that she had some where to be this morning, and incase anything happend she wanted me home for when Miranda got out of school. I then asked my mom what she had to do, she siad "scapbooking". And I came back with you can't be home in time because of scapbooking, I'm going to make sure that I'm home by 2 from my premade-plans. And all she could come back with was... "what in case I run out of gas and can't get home when she get out of school".... "Or what if the car breaks down". What the Fuck!!!! ????? >_< if the car was having problems I could understand... but her car is working just fine and its not like she was going to another city.... she was staying here in MOVal. Then she started to give me the guilt trip saying that she doesn't get out much (even though she could go out. She would have to be home in time when Miranda got off of school). Then I just gave up the fight and let her win (all because I'm too God Damn Passive!!!!! Damnit!!!). I then Called Michelle and told her I wan't coming, I watched my dad leave. I then when up stairs, Rage burning. I shut my door, and fell into bed, Covered in my blankets, pillow over my head, and Simba in my arms crying (when I'm mad I cry... I donno I' wierd... I cry for a lot of emotions >.< ). I laid ther for a good hour, not wanting to look at the time cause that would remind me where I would be at that time. I soon tried to fall asleep to calm me down, it was nice.... I like sleep, I think I had some short dreams that let me forget what had happend this morn. And I just woke up, the nap didn't really calm me down to much >_< .
all this....just Pisses me off cause I'm God Damn 20 years old!!!! I'm not in highschool anymore I've been out of highshool for 3 fucking years, so why do they still treat me that way???. They should treat me some what like an adult, I understand that I live under thier roof and all, so yeah I need to listen to them cuase they are my parents. And the fact that My mom worries to much!!! she comes up with things that might happen and she worries about them (that was the whole car breaking down thing, which is why I'm here right now... cuase the stupid working just fine car "MIGHT" break down, so "SOMEONE" needs to be home, when Miranda gets off of school). Now, on the whole lying to my parents... I Really feel bad about doing it, But if my Mom (my dad not so much, hes easy going about me going out with my friend and such) would just losen her Grip on me I wouldn't have to do it. When ever I would tell her I was going out, she would kick up a big fuss about it and Tell me I couldn't go or voice her Disaproval over and over again. And now I just don't tell her where I'm going or I fib saying I'm going somewhere else, cause I don't wanna hear it from her.
*sigh* And now she is catching on to my Little Fibs (she mention something this morning that I was using the same excuse to much).... so I guess... I don't know... I should just be a caged bird only free to fly when they want me too, until I move out (ha who knows how long that would be... there is no way I could affored to live on my own or surive on my own, I know every little about the outside world) (and see I'm going passive again, Damnit, I have no backbone and cave easily in aguments with my mom *sigh*)................ ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1731455/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1731455/ Tue, 27 Jan 2004 09:41:41 PST Jen likes chocolate chips cookies that have more dough then chocolate chips =3

Fun Jen Fact #2
I have a Scar on my right big toe. Another Scar on the left side if my chest (it use to be in the center of my chest when i was little but it moved X_X ) on my left hand there are two small scars on my knuckles.

Jan 27... Promotion!!!! time!!!!
Go see my Homies art!!!! ^_________^ Now!!! go see them now!!! ^_^ bask in all of thier spiffy-ness!!!!!!!!! ^_________________^

<-- Marie
<--Shippo aka Mark
<-- Matt
<---Wubear aka Kristen
<---Monique
<--Cheryl
<-- Jacqui
<-- Mike
<-- Michelle
<-- Autumn
<----Maureen
<--- Paul
<-- Arin
<--- other Paul ^_^
<---- Brad ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1686551/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1686551/ Thu, 15 Jan 2004 18:08:22 PST _<
argggg!!!
my left eye lid has been twitching all day!!!!!!!!! its really annoying >_<
and I don't know why its doing it ~____< ;
it started this morn when I was driving to school.... and has been going on all day. My eye lid is doing it right now as I write this journal. Not only can I feel it twitch I can see it.......Arggg!!!!!!!
Well I got homework to work on and sleep soon (got a long day at school tomorrow 7:30 to 4:30) the drive there and back is going to be Hell !!!!!!!! I'm so going to hit traffic. *sigh* ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1660685/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1660685/ Sat, 10 Jan 2004 21:36:59 PST my orientation at AI went okie... I meet 2 nice guys that live here in Moval... I got thier numbers and AIM names to we can keep in contact about trying to carpool or something. Sounds like they have some clubs there at the school i might try to get involed with... Donno.... On monday is my first day of class I hope it all goes well.
It may not be that bad..... besides the Drive home. the drive to school is only about hour and half. The way back home seemed to be longer because of all the traffic in Yorba Linda and Riverside >_< but I can handle it (I hope). I'm going to miss everyone here Inland.... <=3

Jen is poor this month... I got my Cell phone bill.. it was triple what I normally pay O_O lets just say my parents aren't going to know about that bill... so I need to start watching how long I'm on my cell phone, must use house phone!!!! ^_^
sorri I haven't uploaded anything in a while... but I have uploaded some new stuff at my Lionking fan art archive account ------> [link]
I'll try to upload some stuff soon... i'm thinking about finding my old pictures I drew of Mike, Paul and I when we use to have Gate classes together... I have them some where.... ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1650068/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1650068/ Thu, 08 Jan 2004 19:24:40 PST *cries*
I'm afriad.............. I feel alone..............
my tummy hurts..... I wanna sleep... and dream, so I can forget about the present, and future.... but I can't, my mom has me cleaning >.<

Tomorrow I take my first step....
I hope I don't fall.....

*listen to music* " through the darkness, I can see your light, and you will always shine and I can feel your heart in mine"....."I look up to everything you are, in my eyes you do no wrong"... "your still you after all your still you you walk past me, I can feel your pain, time changes everything, one truth always stays the same, your still you" .... "and I believe in you all though you never asked me too, I will remember you"..."your still you after all your still you"

*goes off randomly talking* ...after thinking about this song, I being to wonder old questions about what makes us who we are. I wonder what is the "Core" that makes us who we are? I did have a simular question about this awhile ago... It was, "Since we are constantly changing what makes us who we are?" for the longest time I tried to think of an answer. It was hard to think of something about a person that does not change, becuase everything does... till I thought about the one thing you can't change.... the Past. Is our past the core that makes us who we are??? our past expriences makes us the same person throught out our lives (because ever moment in our lifes we are a different person, Most of us are not the same person we where 10 years ago or even 10 mins ago we alway change into someone else. but it is our past that unites all of the these "different selves" But what is at the center of our being that makes us who we are? I will think about it for a while... it kinda helps me get my mind off of my "isms" < thankie for Marie for the wonderful word ism ^___^ yay!!!> ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1631057/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1631057/ Sun, 04 Jan 2004 22:29:45 PST As far as I can remember the dream started out with two Mc Donalds. I was with my friends Kristen, Debbie, Jessica and Marie. We soon parted ways, my friends when the McDonalds that was in the distance, I went to the McDonalds that was closer (I find this kind wierd cuase in real life I wouldn't do that, I'm not that independent to where I would go off on my own. I think that this might show how I kinda want to be more Independent. But I think it really shows how there is a distance coming between me and my friends. Recently we haven't been hanging out as much as we once did, for 4 years we hung out in highschool and saw eachother all the time. After graduation we still would get together and I would see most of them all the time... and now its kinda rare when I get to "hang out" I do see them but its not really the same when its only for a few mintues, and soon with me going to a school outside the area it can only get worse). When I got in to the McDonalds there was a long line, and I waited in the line every patiantly. I spent a while in that line. Soon I get up to the counter, to place my breakfest order, but then someone comes up asking for hot sauce to the Cashier spends forever trying to get them what they wanted. Soon that customer leaves. Then all the Workers start doing exersises, I still wait patently. Then another customer askes the cashier for help with change, I let the cashier deal with it. When that was done it looked like I was going to place my order, but then its the cashiers break. And then choas takes place some how I lost my place infront of the line, everyone did. Everyone scrambled to get there place back. At this time I'm really upset that I waited so patently and I've lost my place and didn't get to plave my order, but I still don't express my rage, I just take it. Some one did take pity on me and tried to help me get to the front of the line, as people run and scramble to form a new line. I then wait in middle of the line. soon I woke up. (after thinking about it, I find that this dream shows me that I let people walk all over me and I take it. I was enraged at what had happend but I never voiced it, which is what I do in reality, I just patiently wait out the situation.) This dream just makes me wonder about the person I'm... that I'm perhaps a weak spineless person.... or is it that I'm too patient and quiet, to the point where I won't speak up about anything (even though I like being patient, it takes alot to really annoy or upset me and even then I don't let thing bother me a good example is James Roweez, how that boy at times could really test my patience, we have gotten in to countless quarells, but even so I'm still his friend and put up with his hijinks). ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1616565/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1616565/ Fri, 02 Jan 2004 18:58:13 PST
what can I say about 2003.. besides its been the most emotional year for me, I don't think I have every cried as much as did this past year >_<
It started out horrible with me learning that my some of my best friends were moving away, and when they did It tore me up. I found myself many a time sitting in my car when I would get home at night and just looking at thier emtpy house and break in to tears (this went on for a long time). Just when I started to feel better... on May 3 while I was at work I learned/figured out that my grandfather (my dad's father) Passed away. I say I figured out because I was at work and on my break I get a call from my cousin Stephanie asking if I was alright and when I asked why she acted acted surpised, it was then I knew something happend. Then while at work for the next 5 hours I sat in my cubical wondering what had happend... I was alone and scared for those 5 hours. Then when I got home, my dad told me. I just sat there I didn't cry, I got a call from james asking me over to hang out, I agreed to go over. I went up in to my room and broke down. I then went over to james, which could have been a good thing, James and Peter didn't really shom me any comfort when they asked why I was so quiet and I told them why. That has been the first death that I have ever really exprienced. At about the middle of the year I was stressed out about getting excepted in to 4 year school >_< many a times my mom told me she would kick me out of the house if I didn't. My mom would constantly say things that would upset me (I think I wrote a journal on one of them back in Jul or Aug). Then more of my beloved neighbors moved away like Hazel and Roweez famliy, yes even James. And some people that I knew when I was little passed away like Debbie (Hazle's daughter, Leane's mother) and Mr. Philiphson (my piano teacher and a close friend of my fathers). Recently I've been really stressed out about going to the Art insitute and even the thought of leaving/ losing my friends terrifies me. I know that all this might not be all that bad... but for me it was, when I think about it for the longest time I've lived in a bubble that has protected me from all these things and its almost like this past year the bubble broke.
...
But I do have to say that some good things happend this year. I got a new kitten Possom ^_^ I think my artwork has improved a little bit (not as much as I would like) I went to Anime Expo for the first time. I got a new car (thats kinda of a good thing except for the car payments) My friends, ^_________________^ I've strenghten the bond between me and many of my friends and I made many new wonderful friends this year ^_____^... If it wasn't for the loving people around me I could have felt alot worse. All of you put smiles on my face when I needed it and just being around you guys made me feel better, and there are no words that can express my graditude.

Zero what???? Zero FOUR!!!!
2004... this year is starting out kind like last year...
In a week I start at the art institue and I know i must make this more of a problem then it really is, but I can't help the way I feel about it. I wish I was more confident to where I wouldn't be so nervous and terrified of starting at a new school that is almost 2 hours away. Stephanie has told me that I shouldn't be so afriad of my friends forgetting me but like I told her Only Time will tell and Time doesn't like to talk everymuch. But I do have my hopes... kinda
Heres to the new year... and a new start!!!
cheers!!! ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1592840/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1592840/ Sun, 28 Dec 2003 01:09:04 PST ). For example my cousin Julie has been in Italy for 3 months so it was nice to see her back in the states and doing well. Some of the family asked about my transfering, I just agreed with them that I was excited. besides that it all went well, I like it when my family gets all together its so much fun. When we returned home I opened the gifts my parents got for me. Which was some shirts, socks, FF X-2, a new computer tower (yay) and some jewerly. Over all it has been a good Christmas holiday ^______^ one of best gifts was seeing Jay and Ryan again (I really missed them). But I love all the gifts my friends got for me!!! I will treasure them forever!!! cuase I love you all!!! *buddy hugs*
Well that was Christmas day
Today I went to Disneyland ^_______^ it was fun, it was really unbelievably crowded but I enjoyed myself anyways... and I got soviner napkins for everyone ^________________^ cuase I'm poor. I was singing most of day (which jen doesn't do to offen)^_^ and Who ever game up with that Fastpass idea is a genious!!! My Fav attaction there at Dland is the tikiroom, Fantasmic, Pirates, Haunted mansion and Startours. and in the arade I found DDR 5th mix!!! I have that soundtrack and I got to play my favorite song Moonlight shadow!!! for the 1st time and I then I got a C on it on the second try, that like so coo, cuase I normally get D's and E's cause I sux and DDR but love to play it ^_^ and I spent like no money that at disneyland... I just bought a bag of chips and I swished a quarter. That was it ^_^ (beside the DDR playing... tee hee). but Stephy did buy me a Pickle... YAY!!!! and Steph and Kristen had never been in the Tiki room... so I had to drag them in there!!! ^________^ I did alot of walking and standing there, and also texting(on Stephy's phone cuase I can't text people only recieve >_< evil!!!!) and leaving messages on peps phones... which I'm starting to think is becoming a bad habit >_____< so I'm going to try and cut back on the amount of stupid messages I leave on peoples cell phones. Not much happend it was a typical visist Dland. I had a good day at the happiest place on earth. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1575527/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1575527/ Wed, 24 Dec 2003 01:17:24 PST I feel like I could explode... today was so great!!! I just want to share it with everyone!!!!!!!!!!!! and I wish everyone to feel the joy that I feel now.
Today was the Christmas Party (for my highschool buddies). After I got home from work I started to clean my house up and get everything ready for our dinner party. I got a call from Jakikichi, she left me a thank you type message, I'm not sure what I did =3 but it put a smile on my face ^__________^ " thankie for the message jakikichi!!!". I then cleaned some more. I had a dentist appointment, and I'm all good in the teeth department Wooo!!!. Came home cleaned some more and started to wrap gifts and I changed in to this black dress that I've had in my closet for like um.... I have no idea how long I've had this dress and not worn it... it still had the price tag on it . Then everyone one started to show up for our party at about 4:30pm.
Kristen, Jessica, Marie, and Tasha where the first to come. While we waited for others so show they played pool while I figured out how to use the digital camera. We had our first Party Crasher... the "other" James stoped by to give me an Christmas gift which was really nice.... and um... well he never left O_o o_O it was kinda akward. Cuase I don't really know him, outside of our RPG games nights and all I really know is that he is one of James Rowzee's friends, and no one asked for him to stay... he just kinda stayed... cuase I wasn't about to kick him out or anything... it was just a little Akward having him there. Well after everyone else showed up like Eric and Jessica's boyfriend Ray came we sat down to eat our dinner. no sooner then I had sat down the doorbell rang....... and to my surprise it was.......... Jay and Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Squeeeee!!!!!!! I haven't seen them in so long!!!!!!! -^___________^- they are home for the holidays and had stoped by the old nieghborhood to visit everyone. I was so happy to see them. We only got to talk for about 5 mins or so (but it was one of the happiest 5mins), cuase they wanted to go get Brenan (who is also home for the holidays). I was kinda sad to see them go, cuase we only got to see eachother for such a short time. After they where gone I got back to the party. Dinner went good, we ate and talked. After Dinner we had our gift exchange ^___________^ everyone like the gifts I got them, yay!!!! Then we had a photoshoot of taking group photos (and Eric took pictures of my boobs X_X; arg!!!! But I got a picture of Eric looking likes he's Bitch slaping Kristen and I have one of our Snickers cake next to my guinea pig Snickers and so much more!!! =3 ) I took some great pictures of all of us ^_^ Then Debbie was able to make it to the party (she wasn't suppose to get off work till 12:00am). Soon after that Jay and Ryan and co. stoped by again so that my parents could see them. I feel kinda bad that I ditched the party for a while, during there short second visit. But... its been so long =3 I hope no one thought me rude or anything. After more conversations, at about 11:15pm we started to clean up. At about 12:00am everyone left ( I wouldn't let Kristen and Tasha leave till "other" James left < =3 ).
But it was a good day!!!!!!! *sigh* it was nice to just be around friends, and converse about our highschool days and such. Its been so long since we all have been able to get together like this. And for an added bonus I got to see Jay and Ryan (wow are they tall now!!!!! O_O I feel so short standing next to them >_< )
and I would like to wish Mr. Paul a Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!! *Birthday hugs*


*Jen feels loved*
*Jen loves all her friends*
-^______________________________________ _____^- ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1518567/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1518567/ Mon, 22 Dec 2003 20:18:07 PST
12/ 21
*sigh*
I hate who I'm >_<;
I wish I had more confidence in myself... and that I wasn't so afriad of the outside world. I'm 20 years old... I shouldn't be feeling like this!!!!! arg..... I feel so childish.... and then steping back and looking at my self... my mom is right I act every childish, I thought maybe I was just carefree or something but now I'm convinced other wise.
Jen feels like disapearing sometimes. which scares me... cause I'm not use to feeling this way, and now I'm feeling it more and more to where its becoming a normal feeling.
This transfering thing has stressed me out to a breaking point. I try to tell myself that everything will be alright... but it doesn't help. Tomorrow I go to that school to discuss my class schedule, so I hope that will go well.

12/22
well it turns out that I had the day off today from slave crest and I didn't know it >_< do'h I got there at 6am worked 30 mins then found out that I wasn't suppose to be there >_<. I need to start looking at the board that tells us how many hours we have to work.
I went to the Art Insitute today... it was okie... I was freaked. but after a while I started to feel more confident.... but then broke down again after my mom started saying stuff, and it started to upset me and I started to freak out again ( I was in tears on the way home, I tried to hide them the best I could) But I think my dad could tell that I was upset cuase he tried to tell me that everything was going to be okie. I got my unoffical schedule right now its looks like this:
Monday- Acting and movement 7:30am to 11:30
Thursday- Humanities 7:30am to 11:30
Friday- Life drawing 7:30 to 11:30 and Fundamentals of Design 12:30 to 4:30
I wanted to in school only 2days, but I'm going to have to see if I can transfer over the Design class I just took this past semester so I don't have to take the Fundamentalsof Design class... we will se.
well gota go, tomorrow is my "Highschool Friends Get Together To Exchange X-mas Gifts Dinnger Party" ^_^ so I'll be getting the house ready and everything tomorrow for that.... Squeeeee!!!! =3
-Okie jen ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1484446/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1484446/ Wed, 03 Dec 2003 09:37:18 PST all the world is ours
and this world is so right
You and I sharing this time together
sharing the same dream
as the time goes by, we will find

these are the special times
times we'll remember
these are the precious times
the tender times we'll hold in our hearts forever
these are the sweetest times
these times together
and throught it all, one thing will always be true
the special times i share with you
with each moment, moment passing by
we'll make memories that will last all our lives
as you and I travel through time together
living this sweet dream
and every day, we can say

these are the special times
times we'll remember
these are the precious times
the tender times we'll hold in our hearts forever
these times together
and throught it all, one thing will always be true
the special times are the times I share with you

these tender moments
when heaven is so close
these are the moments that I know

these are the special times
times we'll remember
these are the precious times
the tender times we'll hold in our hearts forever
these are the sweetest times
these times together
and throught it all, one thing always be true
the special times are the times I share
the special times are the times we share
the special times are the times I share with you
"Theres are the special times" (Diane Warren) (sung by Celine Dion)

To all my buddys out there ^________________^
<( '-' )>
*big squeezie buddy hugs* to each of you
each one of you have a special place in my heart and i will always treasure the times we spend together ^_____^
-Jen ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1460514/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1460514/ Thu, 27 Nov 2003 21:23:24 PST I wanted to post this thanksgiving poem that I learned back in grade school but I can't remember it >_< arg!!!!!!!!

My Thanksgiving was fun, my mom and I went over to my Aunt shorty and Uncle Mikes. So I spent the day with them and Stephy, April, and Monkey (aka Kristen) my fav cousins!!! ^______________^ This year was different from most cause normally the entire mom's half of my family gets together. <=3 but there is always Christmas ^___________^

I would like to take this time and say thank you all my friends and family... and to think about all that I'm thankful for!!!

I'm thankful for all my friends... I'm thankful for all the new freinds I've made this last year I love you all!!! I'm thankful for all the friends that have stuck by me ^_^ I love you all too!!! I'm thankful for all everone that has been there for me this past year and for all the smiles you have given me. I'm thankful for my familys health and wellbeing ^_^ and for my pets. I'm just thankful for everything in my Life ^__________________________^ I love living and I'm thankful for all that is around me. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1436524/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1436524/ Sat, 22 Nov 2003 12:11:44 PST _<
I'm sick of feeling the way I do... These last couple of weeks have been really emotionally hard. I thought that trying to talk about how I feel would help. It hasn't. I'm to shy and quiet to express myself. When I try to let others know how I feel I just get really embarassed, flustrated and I just end up in more pain. So screw it!!! emotions are going back in the box, where I shall hide them and deal with them myself. Like I've done before. I know that right now I'm tell ya how I feel >_< but this is the last time. It just doesn't work for me I just feel like by sharing those kinds of things it seem like I'm whining ... so no more... I will now only write of happy things that goes on in jens life, I will just stuff my sarrow, annoyences, anger and other unpleasents feelings in to the metaphorical box and just deal with it....
I'm thinking I just might post some new artwork soon even thought is the non cutestuff.
I'm tierd (which could be why I'm so arg!!! >_< )... I'm going to take a nap and try to rearrange my room...
on a good note I'm trying to break my habit of bitting my nails !!! I'm going to try hard this time!!! maybe I can finaly stop that awful habit > ____________< ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1406713/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1406713/ Mon, 17 Nov 2003 00:38:41 PST Today was fun ^_^ once i got off of work ^_^
my Friend Kristen tried to talk to me about my last couple of Journal entrys .... I still can't seem to talk about my feelings with my friends I get really embarassed >_< and that is really upsetting to me >_< *sigh*
I drew some disturbing pics (or at least to me they are disturbing not my normal cute sketches) I'm debating if I'm going to post them or not <=3 I then went to the movies with Michelle, Cheryl, Stephanie (my cousin) and Kristen (aka Monkey ^_^ my younger cousin), we saw Brother bear. it was cute if ya have a chance see it for the cuteness and stay till the end of the movie ^-^ and count how many times you can find your name in credits... I found mine 9 (I did count jen, jenni, and jeff as my name also). It makes jen happy to be around friends ^_________^
Tomorrow I'm going to work >_< icky... and go to Downtown Disney for Marie's B-day!!! yeah!!! we should all have a good time ^_^ I'll let ya know what happens.

11/16
Today I noticed that Hazel is gone........
<='(
my parents came to pick me up at the house for lunch, and as we drove out of the drive way there was a uhal truck and a family taking there possetions in to the house........ *sigh*
I didn't even get to say "good bye to Hazel" even though I know I would have burst in to tears. I'm going to miss her, she was such an important person to me, I will always think of her as another grandmother, and I'm going to miss seeing her out frount caring for her lawn. *sigh*............
<=3
Tonight was so much fun ^______^
Marie, Kristen, Jessica and I went to Downtown disney for Marie's Birthday!!! wee!! we went in to this Make-up store (sorry I don't remember the name >_< ) and we all got make overs. like... i don't even recongize myself... Samantha did a great job on my make up she seemed really egar to work on me ^_^ we took pictures cause jen doesn't wear make up. Then we had food. ^_^ it was fun =3 its been so long since Kristen, Marie, Jessica and I have gotten to hang out together <=3 (its been almost 2 months since i last saw Jessica >_< ) it was nice. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1398216/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1398216/ Thu, 13 Nov 2003 20:37:57 PST I just went out to get gas... but I didn't come home... I just spent the last 20mins driving aimlessly around.... I didn't want to go home... while I was driving I cried... I felt alone and cold.... and began to listen to the demons in side my mind.......
........I remember a time when I use to think that I was artistic and that one day I could work in animation. My confindence level has dropped dramticly in the last couple of months, which is one reason why I haven't uploaded anything of interest lately. Back in in the world of Valley View Highschool I can remember having faith in myself. But then I was exposed to the real world out side of highschool, and began to feel like I wan't that talented... but I kept on having faith that I would improve. Until recently I feel like maybe I'm not as good as I use to think or that others have made me to believe. Now with me transfering to a Art School, I feel like how can I compete, what if I fail.... all the friends and family I would disapoint, all the money that my parent would have waisted on art school for me... >_<
*sigh* I miss those carefree days.... I miss the sound of laugher in the neighborhood... I fear the future, and losing the ones I love...
why can't I be the Happy Jen I once was..... Why I'm I so shy... why can't I be confinent.... whats wrong with me......
*sigh*
I think I'm going to go to bed......
(I'm sorry I've been so depressive lately on these journals...) ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1347712/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1347712/ Sat, 01 Nov 2003 21:10:51 PST I have gotten some responses on my last couple of post about me saying I've been depressed.. and I finally going to talk about it....
Cause I'm getting sick of it damit (even after having a great day like on Friday after Halloweentown when I was driving home alone breaking in to tears and several times today at work), I'm thinking maybe if I talk about it I can get over it and stop crying when I'm alone
This past year emotionally has been every hard on me. It seems to be one thing after another.
The hardest has been my Grandfathers death in May, and my best friends moving away.
I miss my Grandfather, and I've think I've accepted his death. But there are times that I think about my Grandmother being alone and that my Grandfather is no longer with us and I being to miss him. I keep the Pearl Harbor Metallion that myGrandfather recived by my bed so that I will always remember him.
I think it all comes down to is my neighbors moving away, Jay and Ryan Ingles. To let you all know, we had been neighbors forever it seems, it was about 16 years. (In the neighbor that I live in I had many childhood friends, Jay, Ryan, Becky, Sammy, Leane, Lindsey, Raymond, Brandon, Brenen, and James we all grew up togehter and I loved them all. Almost every summer evening we would hang out side under the lamp post. I always had the childish fantasy that we would be friends/ be together forever. But that hasn't happend, I rarely seen Lindsey, Raymond, Leane, Becky and Sammy even though they only live a couple house away.) Jay, Ryan and I would do everything together, I thought of the Ingles family as a second family. I first learned of thier moving almost a year ago. I was in denile most of the time. It wasn't until they moved away that my heart broke, and I don't think I've been the same. I find myself when I pull in to the drive way not even looking at what was once thier house, cause when I do I break in to tears. I miss them. Come to think of it we never did say goodbye. I have this fear that I will never see them again.
Soon after Jay and Ryan's moving, the neighborhood has never been the same. I thought I was over there moving. Till recently now James has moved also. and Hazel (who is like another Grandmother to me) is also Moving away. so sum it all up This song I heard on Ally Mc Beal sums up how I feel:
Neighborhood- Vonda Shepard
Here’s a photo I’ve been looking for
It’s a picture of the boy next door
And loved him more then words could say
Never knew it till he move away
Faded pictures in my scrapbook
Just I thought I’’d would take one more look
And recall when we were all in the neighborhood
Here’s a photo of the neighborhood
Here’s the corner where we stood
Here’s a snap shot of dads old car
Never got us every far
Faded pictures in my scrapbook
Just thought I’d would take one more look
And recall when we were all in the neighborhood
And all those friends where did they go ?
…I don’t know
And all those friends we use to know
…In the neighborhood
Then after i get all emotional about the past, I begin to fear the future, of saying goodbye to many of the friends I have now and facing the fact that I will most likely never see them again or for just short visits.
And I feel so Childish for feeling how I do... for crying, which is one reason why I've never really told anyone how I feel expect for a couple of online friends. But I've never really told any of my friends or family how I feel, my pain and fear of lonieness. In fact I've tired my best to hide it... many times I've longed for a shoulder to cry on. I'm not sure why I'm writting this, why I'm sharing all this now, when its almost been an year. But I want the pain and tears to stop, and this might help.... I hope.
Sorry for my ranting and emotional outburst everyone <=3 I feel like an emotional faucet right now. I'm going to go to bed and cuddle with plushie simba, that will make me feel better. I'm not even sure if I'm going to keep this journal entry up. ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1343450/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1343450/ Thu, 30 Oct 2003 22:00:16 PST 10/30
Well today started awful >_<;
cause "aunt flow" decided to visit... so all day I was feeling horrid. Combined with feeling tired, and not eating, I felt like I as going to die at work. I then started to feel emotional ill, several times I felt like I was going to cry >_< . I really wanted to ask if I could leave early ( cause it was an 8 hour day) but I stuck it through.
Then the rest of the day turned around. After I got off of work at 2:30 I traveled to RCC. After hanging around friends and recieving my Kirara costume ( <-- Made my tails and fluff and <-- got me a shirt and both dyed my shirt and pants, *BIG SQUEEZIE HUGS* to the both of you... you both are wonderful friends). Jen started to feel better... in fact.... I felt a lot better ^_^ I then bought a Looney Tunes DVD when I was at walmart that has the best Chuck Jones cartoon on it "Feed the Kitty". So after that jen was happy I got my Kirara costume and Feed the Kitty. Yeah!!! *another Hugs to Jackie and Michelle* I didn't want to be a burden on guys cuase I know you had your own costumes to work on <=3 ..... I wish there was something I could do to repay you guys!!!! <=3

Jen Fact:
Words that I like
Pie
Monkey (Slutmonkey, combatmonkey, fluffmonkey...ect.)
Kudos
Fidy Five
Spiffy / Nifty
um... I can't think of anyothers.... if I do I'll post ]]> ~artjenesis http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1308914/ http://artjenesis.deviantart.com/journal/1308914/ Wed, 22 Oct 2003 09:42:42 PDT
- Paul my best best art friend
-Mike my best best art friend
- Michelle.... get an Icon already >_<
-Cheryl my crack dealer (note: Crack is the name for the Hello kitty candy)
-Jackie *hugs* Thankie for the glomp yesterday
-Autumn my DDR teacher ^_^
-Other Paul ^_^
-Brad!!!! ee hee hee!!!
- Shippo!!! er.. I mean Mark!!! everyone must see his work!!! O_O it's so cute!!!.... give me more stuff to scan for you!!!!
- Matt... Draw... sesshy.. draw sesshy!!! do it do it do it!!!! ^_^
-um... cheryl again... kinda.. but everyone must visit, the collection of Sesshomaru in the fluff!!!!

Online buddies!!!
-Homie A.... Agra.. *shakes the inu yasha jar* hee hee!!!
- Ayekastar.. cute anime style
- Balaa... amazing work go check it out.
-Hibb... her work in amazing!!! all must see.
-my digi sista!!!
-my digi sista!!!
-my bestest best online friend ^_^ Jillas!!!! PIE!!!