deviantART: by:autumnal-tears

deviantART: by:autumnal-tears http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:autumnal-tears&section=today deviantART RSS for by:autumnal-tears en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:35:37 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png Been Ages http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/26998701/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/26998701/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:10:29 PDT I just needed to pour myself out for a minute.

I am a fool.

I am falling for the one person I shouldn't.

I can't tell a soul.

I fucked up immensely and now I have nothing with him.
I couldn't just put my heart aside and be his friend.

I am so fired.

]]> ~autumnal-tears UPDATE! http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/16532918/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/16532918/ Wed, 23 Jan 2008 07:23:19 PST Here's an Update!

]]> ~autumnal-tears Pregnancy http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/16439535/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/16439535/ Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:24:52 PST
My blood pressure was still high, I am still insanely swollen, and there was protein in my urine. So my doctor sent me off to the hospital for monitoring. Evan and I just got back a little bit ago. My BP was way down in the hospital and my blood tests came back ok. I am on bedrest until further notice

and I will know more tomorrow when I call my OB.
I must say anything is better than sitting in that hospital.

Ugh...

I hope my baby will make it to 37 weeks!!!

Only 4 weeks and 4 days to go!!!

]]> ~autumnal-tears It's been over 2 years... http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/16332041/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/16332041/ Wed, 09 Jan 2008 15:40:02 PST
How is everyone?

]]> ~autumnal-tears long time http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/6924276/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/6924276/ Tue, 01 Nov 2005 09:11:17 PST
It has been over a year since I've said a word. Silence is truly golden. California is a mild drag. That's life. I will be back in Portland in April. ]]> ~autumnal-tears Hola http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/3416203/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/3416203/ Tue, 21 Sep 2004 17:50:18 PDT I miss everyone back home--and Portland in general. Orange County is...alright I suppose. Have awesome friends--anyhow...I died for a while...and wont be on for a while

[link] ]]> ~autumnal-tears GOODBYE PORTLAND http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2999864/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2999864/ Tue, 10 Aug 2004 00:42:54 PDT

Mood:

Tomorrow....weeps
Listening to: You're The Good Things-Modest Mouse

I leave in the morning for Anaheim. This is goodbye I suppose. I will be back on dA probably this weekend as soon as I get all settled in...unpacked...etc. Thanks much to all of my amazing friends who have supported me endlessly.

AUGUST 10, 2004

9:00am-
Wake Up
10:00am-
Leave For Airport
10:45ish-
Get To Airport
10:45-1:30-
Security Check-In Crap and Doddling About With Whomever Comes With Me
1:30-
Go To Gate

FLIGHT INFORMATION
Flight 446
2:27pm: Depart Portland
4:08pm: Arrive in Oakland

4:08-6:00: Layover in Oakland
6:00: Check In @ New Gate

Flight 356
6:45: Depart Oakland
8:03: Arrive in Anaheim

I have NO plans for next week so if anyone would like to hang out once before I leave. Lemme know...
For Portlanders: Possibly attending the meet...unsure

--he's clockwise, he's radiant--

]]> ~autumnal-tears Paint My Heart With Polka Dots http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2960269/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2960269/ Sat, 24 Jul 2004 21:37:33 PDT

Mood:

Mellow
Listening to: Something Vague-Bright Eyes

So yes...

I am making Tyler a going away present.
a painting.
I have yet to give away any art junk as a gift so this is gonna be awkward for me.
Anyhow, I've got all my sketches done and I'm cavasing it tonight.
It will probably be done in like a week or two so keep an eye out for the post.

--he's clockwise, he's radiant--

]]> ~autumnal-tears So Much Beauty It Could Make You Cry http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2915218/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2915218/ Sun, 18 Jul 2004 23:10:19 PDT

Mood:

Calm
Listening to: So Much Beauty In Dirt-Modest Mouse

It's Raining

Tonight, I just layed in the rain...
Thanked God for the pouring.
Because I needed it...
and he needed it.
I just layed there and cried in the rain.
Let it all go...
And I prayed.
I prayed that I would make it through all of this.
I prayed for God to make me stronger.
My heart doesn't feel as heavy anymore.

I can move on now...
Without Josh
Without Kenz
Without Lies
Without "Love"

Because there is more to life than false emotions.
There is more to life than attraction.
There is more to life than petty screw ups.
There is more to life than you.
There is more to life than me.

.my.name.is.soi.

--he's clockwise, he's radiant--

]]> ~autumnal-tears Silent Dance http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2868188/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2868188/ Mon, 12 Jul 2004 22:35:05 PDT

Mood:

EMERY!
Listening to: Dag Nasty-Ghosts

FIRST OF ALL: FOUR MORE DAYS UNTIL EMERY! I AM SO DAMN EXCITED. IT'S THE MOST EXCITING THING EVER. I CANNOT WAIT...I AM LIKE QUIVERING IN MY VELVETEEN PANTIES!!!! JEEEEEEEPERS!

Anyhow--You should all come if you live in or near Portland. There is a flyer in my scraps for the show. Also, my friend's band Dear Whoever will be playing...woot!

Things have been too chaotic lately so I apologize for putting little effort into deviantART.

--he's clockwise, he's radiant--

]]> ~autumnal-tears My Heart Is Dead, It's Way Past Beating http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2785207/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2785207/ Fri, 02 Jul 2004 03:52:51 PDT

Mood:

Repetitive
Listening to: Underoath-A Boy Brushed Red...Living Black & White

======================================== ======
---------------------------THE BELMONTE ACADEMY--------------------------
======================================== ======
*please, come out and support their awesome band, oh and thanks for even reading this damn thing despite the depressing title [it is from the song]*
======================================== ======
JULY SHOWS 2004 [the belmonte academy + guests]

-July 6th @ Meow Meow w/ Red Light Sting, Gerling, and guests. 7pm $8 (try and bring exact change)
________________________________________ __________________
-July 9th @ SolidGround Coffee House, Camas WA. w/ Dear Whoever, and more. 7pm $3
________________________________________ __________________
-July 14th @ Davey Jones Locker w/ SYX, Cellar Door, Emberghost, and Dear Whoever 7pm $tba [probably $7]
________________________________________ __________________
-July 23rd @ Gresham Little Theatre Gresham, OR w/ Eloi, Dear Whoever, Emberghost. $7
________________________________________ __________________

FOR MORE INFORMATION:
[link]
[link]
[link]
OR contact me

--he is precious--
]]> ~autumnal-tears Just Gave Up On All My Regrets http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2752476/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2752476/ Mon, 28 Jun 2004 02:12:15 PDT

Mood:

Meh
Listening to: Creep by Radiohead

I really should be asleep, but I can't.

I am thinking far too much about this move. Everyone I am leaving behind, and how now they are pleading...begging me not to go, but in a few months--I will be a memory only popping up when they are in a familiar place or hear a fading voice like mine, or smell banana popsicles--faded reminders of old times, my laughter, and my hair products.

I am sick--pretty bad too.
Lately, I've been staying up late thinking--sleeping in--waking up--screwing around on PS--staying up late--the cycle continues.
Fairly boring, but it's saving $$$ until I get paid in a week.

I feel terrible.
Considering I am leaving soon and have minimal freetime, I made a calendar for July and printed it out. I need to stay organized since I promised to spend time with quite a few people before I leave. Anyhow, I feel bad because I'm having to schedule in my friends to hang out.
---------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------
**To any of you I have done this to**
I am sorry--but I want to be fair to everyone. July hasn't started yet and I'm already packed with things to do. I feel so bad.
**To any one I haven't approached yet**
Let me know if you want to hang out and I will see what I can do.

I really am gonna miss it here...I never really stopped to appreciate Portland until recently...and I regret that. Not much I can do now.
________________________________________ ___________________

-----------------------------Another sad thing-------------------------------
Tricia: Hey, if things changed at home before you left...would you stay?
Me: No
________________________________________ ___________________

As much as it killed me inside to say that--I really wouldn't stay. Yes, lately a lot of great things have been happening...but I cannot tolerate the negative anymore. I love you guys--but you need to understand that staying here would mean dying a little more inside. I am sorry, but I need to do this--for myself.

My Name Is Soi-I Love You, but I Need To Start Over

--he is precious--
]]> ~autumnal-tears 35 Days http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2694437/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2694437/ Wed, 23 Jun 2004 00:25:44 PDT

35 Days Until I Leave This Town

So, the original plan was: Leave July 21

I have decided to stay a week longer. I am now leaving the 28th.
My plane schedule is a little screwy since it isn't non-stop, but I refuse to pay $100.00 more to get a non-stop flight.

THE NEW PLAN
July 28
11:20am- Board flight 346 from Portland to Oakland
1:04pm-Arrive at Oakland International Airport

4:38pm-Board flight 446 from Oakland to Orange County
6:02pm-Arrive at my new home in Anaheim

Switching planes isn't exactly my favorite excursion but it gives me time to grab a bite to eat before having to fly again. Some time to stretch, walk around, look suspicious, etc.

This move is going to tear me to pieces. It will be better this way though...it will be better.

My name is Soi, and dammit...I love you

--he is precious--
]]> ~autumnal-tears Done http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2647502/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2647502/ Tue, 15 Jun 2004 14:53:10 PDT

Portland
This city offers me practically nothing now. Echoes of old friends, mistakes- many, many, many awful mistakes: none of which I regret, familiar faces-scents-sounds--
fears
far too many fears
Although I will miss some faces-voices-laughs-traditions, one in particular, I am glad I am getting out. Running away from everything that I screwed up on, dragging myself from everything I worked so hard to accomplish.

I guess sometimes you have to decide to: revel in the good while tolerating the bad, or getting out and starting over; only to make the same mistakes over and over, and always-
run away
from your past

Coward: (kourd)n. One who shows ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.

My name is Soi, I hope you never wonder why I'm leaving

--he is precious--
]]> ~autumnal-tears Neverender http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2617608/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2617608/ Wed, 09 Jun 2004 00:48:27 PDT

Finals week, then it's over. It's awkward to think that after Friday I will never see a majority of my acquaintances and casual friends again. These are the times when I envy people like Kenzie, those who are completely incapable of having attachment.

Life has drastically improved. It really is compelling how a single person can completely change your life...especially for the positive. I mean, sure, there's plenty of baggage, un-needed accessories that come with the package, but when you sincerely reflect on the sitaution and person--the good [by a large deficit] outweighs the bad.

my name is soi, let me erase the past

]]> ~autumnal-tears Damn the rain http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2587131/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2587131/ Mon, 07 Jun 2004 20:07:10 PDT

Isn't it so convinient how it rains when I absolutely have to partake in an outdoor activity. That is--honestly, just my damn luck. I would just like to say, more people need to mind their own business. It really is pathetic and quite unfortunate how consumed some people become in others lives. If you are curious as to why I erased the last journal, well it's none of your damn business--too many questions...far too many for the comfort of me and a few others.

my name is Soi--stop calling me Cassy.

]]> ~autumnal-tears Happy June 1 http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2561236/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2561236/ Tue, 01 Jun 2004 19:27:51 PDT
-Kenzie and Josh are dating
-Cut my hair
-Justio has a girlfriend-aka-A New Life
-Constant headache
-JuJu is dating Jaina to get back at Alex, the 'heartless' ex
-Had weird dream about Jeb
-Grampa's sick
-Now own a pair of jeans-[this is a miracle]
-Tiffany is cool now-bailing on me for hardcore Shannon

Anyhow, 48 days until I leave. School's almost over, pretty sad...moving away. I'm uber bummed to be leaving everyone, but WAY stoked to get the hell out of here and start over. I am slowly adapting to the Kenzie & Josh thing. Pretty weird sitch though [best friend and ex] Oh well...that's life...at least they are happy. I don't know what's the deal with the endless headache...no matter how many pills I take [including my migraine pills] it never goes away...maybe I have one of those weird maggot parasites that live in your brain...nah. I doubt it's that serious...probably my body telling me I need to sleep for a month straight and escape all these people. I'm pretty bummed about Justio and his girlfriend...yes he is happy and that's nice, but I doubt I'll ever see him again. They spend every waking moment together-practically. I just hope he doesn't get hurt. My birthday is approaching ever so slowly-praise God-I hate birthdays...actually...I hate gifts. I feel terrible when people get me things...why should they waste money on me...make me something instead of throwing down blang for me...sheesh. Everyone's asking what I want for my going away present...one part of me wants to yell you don't have to do that and another part wants to yell HOW AM I GOING TO PACK ALL THIS! I just tell them they don't have to and pray that they will give me a huge hug before I leave...all I want...is to leave on good terms with everyone, and see them before I leave.

My name is Soi, and I love you guys [and gals] ]]> ~autumnal-tears It's been a while http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2516109/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2516109/ Wed, 26 May 2004 18:55:59 PDT
my name is sondra, and i'm an assbite ]]> ~autumnal-tears --Please Read-- http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2339372/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2339372/ Sat, 01 May 2004 18:16:00 PDT To all my friends, I am sincerely sorry for telling you individually...but it's a lot to explain so many times.
This is an excerpt from a letter I'm giving to my teachers...hopefully this will explain it.

"All my life I have lived with an addict. Born to a mother with needle in her arm and a bottle in her hand. She was stuck I suppose, perpetual sickness plagued her. The cycle had a real good hold on her shirt, and God and I both knowit wasnt letting go anytime soon.
I grew up too fast, with a weak sister and a drug addicted Mom in and out of jail-I had to. I swore to myself that I would help her, and anyone else who needed my help. That was my goal in life-to get my Mom off drugs.
She was clean for a while, but success can only last so long. Thats when Jeff came around. Isnt it funny how at your peak, the climax of your success, someone comes along to rain on your parade. Like when youre building the toy on the Lego box, took 1000s of Legos to build, right as you put the last lego on, your sibling comes up with a bat and knocks it down.
Jeff was that bat.
The day I met him I knew hed be the one to ruin my moms life all over again. As much as it killed me, I knew. I had never believed in my mom, and that one time when I didshe ruined it.
She started drinking again, I didnt really care anymore. I confided in my friends and said to hell with her. I was just going to finish high school, move back to California with my dad, and forget about her. Until today, that was my plan, but then another bat came along.
Alcohol was that bat.
After so many days of dealing with hung-over parents: so many parties with people drunk, so many days of dealing with their worthless pothead friends, after so many days of cleaning up their urine from around the house where they had gone and pissed the night before: the kitchen, my sisters room, the door; I have finally come to realize, you cannot help someone who doesnt want to be helped.
One of my best friends once told me that as selfish as it sounds, in the end the only thing that matters is what you did to better your life. In this context I somewhat agree. The time has come in my life where I need to do something for myself."

I'm not leaving until July so I will try to frequent deviantARTnd post like a madwoman. When I move I'll probably be a lot busier with my family living there and all. I will still have the same screen names and email. Please do keep in touch. Thank you all.

Love and God Bless--
Sondra ]]> ~autumnal-tears WHY DO I...sigh http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2278096/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2278096/ Thu, 22 Apr 2004 20:16:54 PDT
Period 1-
I walk into class, no one's there yet. So I walk on back to our desk, stopping by my locker to grab the piece I'm working on. I grab our prisma's, a ruler, eraser, and go sit back down. Ryan and Trent show up. I tell them I doubt Rob will be here, lately he's been slacking and considering he goes into surgery tomorrow, he may quite possibly stay home. Nope. Rob walks in. [I like Rob] So he comes up and hugs me, sits down next to me and asks if I'm okay...I say yeah. Then, his new girlfriend Alyssa Somethingoranothersuperhotchick comes up. The crowd goes wild, well at least 1/2 of my class. "Oh man she's so hot" "I'm not gonna be an ass to you anymore Rob, because you have a hot girlfriend" "Dude, back in middle school she was the hottest chick" "She has a nice ass"-in response "Nah man, she has nice everything." Rob of course is soaking it up, being the lucky guy and all, and I am soaking it up, being a typical jealous broad. So, with about 45minutes left in class and all of us being behind...we work. We are usually quite the chatty bunch, but today it was different, all I hear is her name and them discussing her hotness...and I make a big mistake and ask the male members of the classroom.
"Does a girl have to be hot for you to date her"-seemed logical in essence of all the commotion about this girls flawless body, keep inmind nothing was said about persona. Every last one of them said she had to be hot. I was furious, not only because I was physically inferior to this amazingly beautiful girl, but because I finally realized...the guys in my life are completely shallow. Ryan and Trent know I like Rob so of course me being silent is suspicious, and then the lightbulb goes off on their oversized heads...Trent says, "you're jealous." I look up and glare, give him the very popular jealous female approach, the finger. Everyone shuts up knowing he is right and my heart has been ripped out. Ryan calls Trent a fucking moron, Trent agrees and says the next offensive thing he says to me I have full permission to slap him. The bell rings, I walk away furious.

Period 3-
Still enraged, during passing time, I walked quickly and overdramatically like many upset females. On my power walk to class I completely ignore the other beau striking my fancy lately...probably a good idea because I could have ruined all chances of anything with him if I would have spoken. Most likely, I would have clung to him and weeped for an hour. I finally get to class, still visibly pissed, many back away as I walk in the group, I go up and hug Garret [no use in breaking tradition] he asks what's wrong, I lie.
"Nothing."
I throw my purse and bag on the desk. I swear i heard all my sighs echo thru the room. I sit down, and begin to cry. William comes in, I splurge everything to him. It was kind of nice, considering he wasn't too offended considering his sexual preference. Straight men don't matter to him much. Anyhow, all males in the room become interested in my fury [did you expect me to be discreet?] Being a hopeful moron...I ask the question to all of them. Too many yes' filled my ears, one "She has to have some brains" gave me a sense of hope again, but coming from Kenny, it lost most worth.

Lunch-
I have to finish my art stuff so I head over to the VFA. Rob had said he was coming in to talk with me, but on my way from the Main I saw him with his princess, and expected nothing. I sit down in the barren room, and begin working. Mrs. Talley opens and closes and few doors and leaves. Another door opens and closes, I assume it's her. Rob enters. Comes up and hugs me around my waist. I keep working as if he wasn't there, but he was, and it killed me. I avoided talking, but that's what he came there for. We were both working, but I knew that's why he came. We talked some, about the question, he said he's re-thinking it. I don't care. Rob, being one of my closest friends, I know he's lying...just like he did, about her yesterday. We finish our work at the same time. I walk to the front to put everything away, leaving my purse and bag at the desk. He abruptly places them next to me, turns me around and hugs me for a few minutes, my mind was blank, but I wanted and needed to cry. Rob-"Thanks for talking to me, you're a really great friend." He walks over to the door, "Love you!" and leaves. I drench myself in tears.

Period 5-
Now I'm in uber bitch mode. Long story short, I was a complete rag to everyone, knowing my day went badly, Darrick and Travis tell me how much they love me. Lies.

Period 7- ~autumnal-tears dear monday http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2259887/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2259887/ Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:29:15 PDT
my name is sondra, and i love...sleep ]]> ~autumnal-tears *gettin close* http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2239142/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2239142/ Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:38:26 PDT ~autumnal-tears still sick, but... http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2224115/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2224115/ Wed, 14 Apr 2004 17:28:54 PDT ~autumnal-tears JEEEEEEPERS! http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2218036/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2218036/ Tue, 13 Apr 2004 21:02:49 PDT Subject: Women, please do as I ask in this post. (#318142

Date: Apr 12, 2004, 9:36:34 AM

When you are a passenger in a car, and you see one of those funny dressed road cyclists in the tight lycra. Have the driver of the car slow down as you pass, roll down your window, and flash the cyclist. I'm a cyclist, and it gets lonely out there sometimes, and road cycling is very hard to do, so cheer us up and motivate us. Come on, why not flash us?

I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST IDIOTIC THINGS I HAVE EVER READ...AND EVEN WORSE THE FEMALES WHO AGREED TO, SOME SEEMED ENTHUSED! HAVE ALL WOMEN LOST THEIR SELF RESPECT, THEIR IS ONLY SO LOW YOU CAN GO BEFORE BEING SUSCEPTIBLE TO MORONS LIKE THAT. I HAVE NEVER FALLEN INTO THE GENERALIZATION OF MEN BEING DOGS, BUT THIS GUY IS. I HAVE MANY MALE FRIENDS AND HE PUTS THEIR GENDER TO SHAME. THIS SINCERELY UPSETS ME. OUT OF ALL MALES I HAVE EVER MET, HE IS BY FAR THE MOST IGNORANT, AND I'M SURE WORST MALE COMPANION PROSPECT! LADDAS, IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A COMPLETE ASS LIKE THIS, GET OUT NOW...BEFORE YOU TOO BECOME A LOUSY BEING ADDING ONTO THE CORRECTIVENESS OF GENDER STEREOTYPES.
my name is sondra, and this guy is prick ]]> ~autumnal-tears bah! http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2211348/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2211348/ Mon, 12 Apr 2004 22:37:53 PDT ~autumnal-tears btw http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2208568/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2208568/ Mon, 12 Apr 2004 15:49:38 PDT ~autumnal-tears monday http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2208536/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2208536/ Mon, 12 Apr 2004 15:45:04 PDT ~autumnal-tears gosh http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2204161/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2204161/ Mon, 12 Apr 2004 00:03:50 PDT ~autumnal-tears monday here i come http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2203797/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2203797/ Sun, 11 Apr 2004 22:40:15 PDT my name is sondra, and i am a coward ]]> ~autumnal-tears lalala http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2195598/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2195598/ Sat, 10 Apr 2004 20:52:31 PDT ~autumnal-tears lalala http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2195597/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2195597/ Sat, 10 Apr 2004 20:52:31 PDT ~autumnal-tears who needs self esteem? http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2189523/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2189523/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 22:50:03 PDT ~autumnal-tears a happy for my easter http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2189443/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2189443/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 22:32:10 PDT ~autumnal-tears survey thing http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2186982/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2186982/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:12:29 PDT
2. What song seems to reflect you the most?: depends on the day

3. What thing always makes your day when it happens/ you see it?: when someone smiles at me

4. If you could change one of your qualitites, what would it be and why?: my negativity, because it's lame and way unattractive

5. What in your life influences you the most?: God

6. What has been your wildest/best/most interesting fantasy? Has it come true?: To make sweet love to Conor Oberst, not YET

7. Which physical feature of yours do you love? Which do you hate?: Love: lips Hate: everything else

8. If you had to have a picture be your symbol, what would it be and why?: A heart, because love is always stronger than hate

9. What would you title the movie or soundtrack of your life?: both: not again!

10. What are you most dissapointed with so far?: All the hate and ignorance in the world

11. What one quality makes a person worth being around?: Optimistic

12. What one thing about a friend always pisses you off?: Lies

13. Ok, now vent your worst people experience: I'll let you know when a real bad one happens

14. What is a major turn on?: Sense of Humor, ambition

15. If you could create the perfect person, what three qualities would they have and what would they look like?:
Caring, Honest, Trustworthy...Idealy they would be taller than me, have SOME hair, have a nice smile and eyes; but it really doesn't matter

16. What confuses you the most about life?: Everything

17. What's one thing that goes on that makes you wanna scream?: Derrogatory words due to sexual preference, creed, and ethnicity

18. Which matters more, people's words or actions? Why?: Both equally, support your actions with words, and words with actions

19. Does love really make the world go round? Is love present in today's world?: Obviously not, because the world is still moving and people still hate

20. What one issue is most important to you?: Spreading the word of God, and equal rights for ALL people and animals. ]]> ~autumnal-tears f a m i l y http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2186627/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2186627/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:21:31 PDT Danae's sophomore year she started dating a guy named Brian who was significantly older, and stupider. He had no plans in life, wouldn't let her have any plans in life...I mean c'mon the guy dropped out, is barely literate, and worships construction. It's not a bad career choice, but he is a bad guy choice. Anyhow they've been dating for 2 years now...since they have started dating, she changed to his religion, disowned all of her family for his, quit all extra curricular activities for him, quit her job for him, and NOW she moves out TO LIVE WITH HIM! To top it off she doesn't tell her father, nor does her Mom, and later he finds out by a slip of tongue of her younger sister Nichole. In essence my family is miserable, and I feel horrible because my entire foundation is crumbling...and all I can do is sit back and pray...hoping it will improve. ]]> ~autumnal-tears so my doctor says... http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2185794/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2185794/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 12:11:23 PDT ~autumnal-tears my column http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2183172/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2183172/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 00:21:15 PDT

Can you imagine someone spending 36 billion dollars per year to support a disgusting addiction? Well that is exactly how much US residents spend per year on cosmetic surgery.
Its amazing how self mutilation is one of the most frowned upon actions in the United States today, and yet society still justifies cosmetic surgery. The intricate slicing and dicing on your own arm is no different than a certified cosmetic surgeon slicing you open to alter your body.
Im sure most students have heard the saying looking for love in all the wrong places, cosmetic surgery is only another wrong place to go to attempt to better yourself. The point too many people are missing is by altering yourself physically, you cannot permanently change who you are.
Getting parts lifted, minimized, maximized, and re-shaped cannot take away every insecurity. When altering physical appearance, thats all thats being done. As often as its heard, its not always understood: being beautiful on the outside does not make you beautiful on the inside.
Often times, those who go under the knife, are looking for self-gratification; a way to make them feel better about themselves.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder [BDD] is a preoccupation with a slight or imagined defect in appearance. Often, the preoccupation creates serious disruptions in the persons daily activity. In fact, many people with this illness have difficulty maintaining a job or trouble sustaining social relationships.
BDD infects 1 in every 50 people who receive cosmetic surgery. BDD can lead or take after other psychiatric problems as well. Depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, anxiety issues, agoraphobia (fear of being alone), and trichotillomania (hair pulling) are all problems that commonly follow or trigger BDD, even after receiving one or many cosmetic surgeries.
Within three months after surgery 85% of patients complain according to Dr. Sonia Batra. That just goes to show that satisfaction is never guaranteed despite what you may think. The only true cure for lurking past horrors that have led you into insecurities so extreme you would alter who God made you, and have cursed you with a far drooping self esteem is to seek positive support and counseling.
As for Lucys position on cosmetic surgery offering new hope or a new self imageget a haircut, buy a new outfit, and smile. Being you is good enough, and is a whole lot better than pruning your body in hopes of gaining a self-assurance that was never there before. ]]> ~autumnal-tears meh2 http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2175469/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2175469/ Wed, 07 Apr 2004 22:16:52 PDT my name is sondra, and i'm dying ]]> ~autumnal-tears meh http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2168129/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2168129/ Tue, 06 Apr 2004 21:31:45 PDT headache
tears
tears
tears
surrender
tears
tears
tears
headache
vomit ]]> ~autumnal-tears BaJeeBussss http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2153988/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2153988/ Sun, 04 Apr 2004 22:00:51 PDT Today actually went pretty well...Mom and I are getting along again. And I am super relieved I didn't go to the little party for Dane, or else I probably would have left with some good old friends and got trashed; haven't done it in ages but at my current emotional state I may have drank myself to death. School tomorrow...how wonderful. I actually do not mind school...CONSIDERING THIS- 9 weeks left! Oh yes...9!!!! Lovely...just lovely...besides... all my classes are quite simple and rather unimportant. I think things are starting to sink in...thoughts are falling into place...and feelings are being thrown out the window. I really think I need time to figure some stuff out on my own without worrying about how other people feel about me.
My name is Sondra, and I am wasted...thank you Coca Cola co.! ]]> ~autumnal-tears needle in the hay http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2151498/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2151498/ Sun, 04 Apr 2004 15:17:24 PDT
Needle In The Hay
by Elliott Smith

your hand on his arm
it's that charm around your neck
strung out and thin
calling some friend trying to cash some check
he's acting dumb
that's what you've come to expect
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
he's wearing your clothes
head down to toes a reaction to you
you say you know what he did
but you idiot kid
you don't have a clue
sometimes they just get caught in the eye
you're pulling him through
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
now on the bus
nearly touching this sturdy retreat
falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all ok
i can't be myself
i can't be myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
whenever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay ]]> ~autumnal-tears short-had to share http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2147988/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2147988/ Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:43:13 PST familiar autumn: I keep crying and theres this incessant ringing in my left ear ]]> ~autumnal-tears shoot me http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2147964/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2147964/ Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:34:56 PST My name is Sondra, Fuck you. ]]> ~autumnal-tears sigh http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2146853/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2146853/ Sat, 03 Apr 2004 20:44:40 PST My name is Sondra, and Luke sucks! ]]> ~autumnal-tears So that is what I get http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2131240/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2131240/ Thu, 01 Apr 2004 15:51:33 PST
my name is sondra...and caring is meaningless ]]> ~autumnal-tears WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2119201/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2119201/ Tue, 30 Mar 2004 21:42:33 PST

MY NAME IS SONDRA AND I FUCKING LOVE YOU...ALL OF YOU.... ]]> ~autumnal-tears misery http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2118625/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2118625/ Tue, 30 Mar 2004 20:07:40 PST
my name is sondra and i'm not in love with ben, DAMMIT! ]]> ~autumnal-tears well jeez isn't life a whore part2 http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2112932/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2112932/ Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:37:59 PST
my name is sondra and ben is wonderful! ]]> ~autumnal-tears carpe diem http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2104669/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2104669/ Sun, 28 Mar 2004 20:05:47 PST
my name is sondra and i love you...carpe diem ]]> ~autumnal-tears entry of nothingness http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2082641/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2082641/ Thu, 25 Mar 2004 13:44:12 PST

undecided ]]> ~autumnal-tears bad night http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2079616/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2079616/ Thu, 25 Mar 2004 00:01:22 PST ~autumnal-tears my world has ended http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2065331/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2065331/ Mon, 22 Mar 2004 19:56:25 PST ~autumnal-tears and so my countdown begins http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2064728/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2064728/ Mon, 22 Mar 2004 18:28:56 PST [YAH FUCKIN HOORAY!]

I LOVE YOU STEFANI! ]]> ~autumnal-tears on a lighter note http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2062471/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2062471/ Mon, 22 Mar 2004 13:10:32 PST ~autumnal-tears the most sadistic entry ever http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2058974/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2058974/ Sun, 21 Mar 2004 21:43:32 PST ~autumnal-tears just wither away http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2038654/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/2038654/ Thu, 18 Mar 2004 17:55:59 PST my name is sondra and i am done ]]> ~autumnal-tears well jeez isn't life a whore http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1971363/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1971363/ Sun, 07 Mar 2004 22:43:06 PST ~autumnal-tears yes it has been a while http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1869643/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1869643/ Wed, 18 Feb 2004 23:03:56 PST ~autumnal-tears ben and justin are way rad http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1747946/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1747946/ Mon, 26 Jan 2004 23:11:02 PST
my name is sondra and i love not having concussions ]]> ~autumnal-tears thanks ben http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1721285/ http://autumnal-tears.deviantart.com/journal/1721285/ Wed, 21 Jan 2004 22:40:11 PST 2. Am I personable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I will get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you? ]]> ~autumnal-tears