http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:bloodchocolate&section=today deviantART RSS for by:bloodchocolate en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:38:05 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/16516734/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/16516734/ Tue, 22 Jan 2008 06:28:57 PST
until then

im going to continue the book im planning to write.. writing is good purgatory..

going to the frigging canadian high commission tml again because they messed up my photos so i have to go down and get them new ones.. gah.. visting vicky at her workplace tml and picking up mom's birthday present for this sun.. then going to school to finish up the E things.. hate going to school.. hate coming across so needy like i really want them to ask me to do something (which i do but its not good when its too obvious).. sigh.. so shall cut off most ties with school i guess.. soon..

going to wear my dress to the frigging high commission.. (: see whether they'll still treat me the same snobby way..

writing feels good.. but i really need to paint.. though i have been out of touch for like 3 years.. shall buy paint tml..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/15873450/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/15873450/ Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:36:18 PST
and deviantart wont load my deviations.. gah

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/12945955/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/12945955/ Sun, 13 May 2007 19:18:24 PDT
suddenly feeling so emo.. and wad mr loh said is true.. if we come to sch but dont go for classes.. then wads the point of coming at all.. might as well stay at home..

and then i automatically answer how i feel just so suffocated.. that the only time i have for myself is during sch..

and then now i ask myself..

wad do i come to sch for? like seriously..

sigh.

im just exhausted..

and im grateful he let me off pe today.. especially when i told him i was going to walk my 2.4..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/12937937/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/12937937/ Sun, 13 May 2007 05:54:34 PDT
which leaves me pretty hormonal at this point of time..

i went to watch midsummer's nights dream by srt at fort canning park with drama pple.. and omg.. it was just so fantabulous.. their kisses.. omg.. the gestures and body language between lovers.. is was so gorgeous.. haha.. now i have new moves to try my (poor and defenseless) new radames, issac.. haha.. oh well.. u only have 2 more months to love me.. might as well make it extravagant (:

and i dunno.. suddenly i felt the immediate need to have a boyfriend.. (well hey i said i was hormonal).. like.. laura and henryk.. they are like the world's most perfect couple.. and i really envy that..

and for all its worth.. i suddenly want like a drama boy.. u know? someone who understand ur dramatic emtional needs and vice versa.. and someone for me to swoon over when he's on stage.. and then at the end of the show.. jump down from the stage and into the audience.. find me and kiss me like there was no tomorrow..

(i said i was hormonal)

and sadly.. that probably wont happen.. sigh..

and as i watch my friends slowly one by one get attached within drama.. i just watch and envy..

oh well.

like i said im being hormonal..

oh and i talked to tubby already.. surprising how when i went to look for him.. i couldnt even remember why i was there looking for him.. and for some weird reason.. i just felt better after toking to him.. maybe its just a mental thing..

and i went on my virgin experience to get drunk.. which failed miserably.. but i did have enuff to not be able to walk in a straight line (see i admit i wasnt walking straight ok).. and was frightfully feeling happy haha which was fun.. and became really really red.. but it was fun.. we should do it more often..

had a talk with my dad again.. i love me dad.. he's such an inspiration to me.. now i plan to follow my dreams and take drama at UBC as a major.. and business as a minor..

yup..

being hormonal is not good.. it makes u desperate.. (: will not be hormonal haha

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/12890867/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/12890867/ Tue, 08 May 2007 17:38:19 PDT
i know yeah its right to be morally upright about things.. but.. this is just too much.. the thing is we deserved a gold with honours.. we DESERVED A FUCKING GOLD WITH HONOURS.. but we didnt get it

why?

because our teachers felt that the music was more important.. more important than rules..

i know it is.. i felt it too.. and i understand it.

THEN WHY FUCKING JOIN COMPETITIONS WHEN YOU BLATANTLY SAY U FUCKING DISLIKE COMPETITIONS?? WHY JOIN IT WHEN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THERE SHOULDNT BE TIME LIMITS!?! WHY SAY MUSIC CANT BE JUDGED IN JUST 8MINUTES WHEN YOU SIGN US UP FOR THE FUCKING COMPETITION!?!?!

i trusted you.. the whole fucking choir trusted you.. all of us.. every single one of us.. we trusted you.. we trusted that you knew what u were doing.. but yet.. u chose the songs for us.. u chose to do the songs when u knew that it would exceed the time limit.. but why? WHY?!?! if you wanna join a competition.. then fucking follow the rules!!

i understand where u all are coming from.. i do.. but.. but its just so difficult following it when the whole world doesnt work this way.. why are we being so stubborn.. and stupid?

which is why its so diffuclt for me.. i understand your teachings.. thats why i cried last night.. touched by the sincerity of all your words.. cried because i understood what u were trying to teach.. cried because the j1s are finally understanding your teachings..

but is it all going to pot? because of how the world works?

i dont know.. i dont know what to think.. im hearing so many different opinions.. wanting to agree with so many but can only to one..

...

...

and please.. stop whining about your life..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11995749/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11995749/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 02:59:45 PST
haha

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11995718/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11995718/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 02:53:38 PST truely my own fault that i got 5/15 for my prelims
second lowest in class

i cant believe how many people i let down

mrs c and jun
the j1 crew kids who painstakingly drew my heiraglypics on my backdrop one by one and in order of how i designed it

and myself

i discovered that i dont have emotional truth in my piece.. im just faking it..

and now i have to find that emotional truth..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11904894/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11904894/ Wed, 21 Feb 2007 06:49:45 PST
first all.. u can just blame it all on me.. its my fault that i didnt plan more practises beforehand.. its my fault i didnt confirm earlier on.. so its my fault that im practically venting it all on you all when my prelims are 3 days away and i havent gotten even one full run done.. so im so sorry that im practically making use of whatever time that is left.. which means every single time free after school..

its all my fault ok?

its also my fault that i didnt explain how important my prelim grade is.. its is not a random performance just for fun like NOL.. but its for my exams.. for my prelims.. grades i use to apply uni with.. maybe u didnt realise the importance of prelims? just because i take it before everyone else does doesnt mean its of lesser importance..

its is also my fault that i took so much care into entertaining ur different moods of the day.. endure giggling and laughing over lines.. lines like "oh in front of the examiner you wont laugh one".. im so sorry i didnt tell you at that point of time that u all were just wasting time.. and im sorry i blew up 3 days before the prelims rather 3 weeks before the prelims where we might have been able to work things out

coz u see i dont know how to tell u that u suck in the face.. or that u're just being an asshole.. or to be more serious seriously.. i dont know how to tell you to please just stop fucking laughing and get fucking serious.. and im sorry ok?

im sorry for wasting ur socializing time with choir people.. well because in case u didnt know.. dont talk about me.. dewei has waited for like 20mins liao.. maybe 20mins isnt a lot to u.. but i would rather that dewei had gone home 20mins earlier to study.. choir teachers dont let him quit choir.. so the least u can let him do is to have more time to study right? he's a fucking choir-deper.. and the thing is when i asked the people u were talking to whether they could let him off so that we can practise for my prelim piece which is this sun.. they, or rather she was like "aiyah give him time to socialize".. im so sorry.. im just fucking pissed now lah.. really.. i have nothing much more to say about that

and melissa u arent helping.. im so sorry.. u kinda just made me more agitated.. u fucking made reu sound like the ultimate victim.. so its ok that im just the selfish bitch.. really..

and im so sorry for bottling everything up.. only dep people would be able to understand me.. but they are all facing similar stresses that it would be selfish to enburden them with mine..

there is a reason why i asked u instead of someone else.. and i've explained it to you.. i feel comfortable with you.. so romantic scenes wont be akward.. it has nth to do with being fucking emotionally attached to you.. and i told u that u are obligated to agree.. but since u agreed to do it.. the least you can do is to take it seriously? its not that i think that you are incompetent.. i know you can do.. but u just arent fucking taking it serious enough to show it..

and i apologise for being so nice and dandy about everything.. just because im nice usually doesnt mean im a fucking pushover.. u said that u would help me if she would be in it.. so i pulled her in.. you can call me fat ugly wadever its ok.. really.. but please dont play with my grades.. dep is the only thing that i can do well in.. please dont take it away from me..

so if i cant pull my piece together by fri.. someone PLEASE break my leg.. so i'll be hospitalized so i cant take the prelims.. or give me some life-threathening disease so i'll be hospitalized ok? or i'll just over-dose on panadol again so i'll get hospitalized

so in conclusion?

im just a selfish, unreasonable bitch.. ok?















































































i need to cool down.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11887711/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11887711/ Mon, 19 Feb 2007 20:38:06 PST
maybe im just fucking stressed

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11875767/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11875767/ Mon, 19 Feb 2007 00:51:14 PST
screw you..

for pretending everything is ok when its not.. maybe by putting the blame on someone else you can make her retain that image of the woman u married then.. not the woman you see now..

maybe..

but in protecting that image u have of her.. u accuse and hurt the other people around her and u.. is it worth it? hurting so many for the sake of one?

maybe

but not admiting there is a problem.. doesnt mean things are ok.. and its not because she's too old to change.. its because u refuse to admit there is a problem.. and thus refuse to help her.. help her become better..

i hope my husband would have the guts to tell me when im low and despicable.. and that our love will be strong enough for that kind of confrontation..

because i dont think ur marriage is strong enough for confrontation..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11864581/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11864581/ Sun, 18 Feb 2007 07:38:05 PST
people already stop talking about it.. you still have to renew the matter by saying hurtful things.. its ok if u do it at home.. but when u do it in public.. dont you know what is shame? you talk about shame at home.. know all the moral values by heart.. but you dont practise them then whats the point of knowing it at all? to lecture people for the fun of lecturing?

she didnt hit you.. so i dont see why u want to hit her back with such ferocity.. life isnt all about taking revenge or getting back what is supposedly rightfully urs.. u say you want to vent ur frustration.. but is this how you vent anger? this is were i see how by letting her have it her way at home might cause it to manifest in public.. if you let her vent frustration (under the pretense of punishing kids) by hitting people at home where people wont sue her and its alright.. then what if she needs to vent frustration in public? does that mean its alright for her to just hit someone?

this is the second time i have witnessed her becoming someone i completely do not know.. and this time.. i cried.. i couldnt help it.. she asked me whats there to cry about.. and i couldnt tell her.. not without embarrassing her in public..

you know how it feels when that person you look up to so much.. respect so much and love so much.. becomes this common person.. becomes this person whom she has been teaching you not to be.. who becomes just so unreasonable that if you even tried to explain to her why she is wrong.. she just give you a tight slap in exchange..

and its just saddens me.. that its becoming worse.. my dad just chooses to ignore.. like how he deals with all the other problems at home.. i say she needs to go for anger mangement classes.. but my parents would probably just think im crazy.. or rather.. my dad would say she is too old to change.. thats just bullshit.. she's just lazy to change.. too stubborn.. too proud coz she thinks she's always right..

i love her.. i really do.. despite the many beatings at young.. the many demoralising insults i had to bear about my intellect, my weight and my looks.. i love her.. but now.. its just becoming more difficult to see her change into someone so unreasonable.. someone so difficult..

i think you should stop blaming others.. and look at yourself for once.. and im not saying this to spite.. but because i love you..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11838374/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11838374/ Fri, 16 Feb 2007 05:16:10 PST
monday:
the drama teachers cancel the thurs and fri movement class.. because of the many break-down cases of DEP people in class to other teachers and parents.. and i felt really bad.. because i know of people bitching about the teachers.. and the thing is.. i feel that no matter how tough it is.. i trust that the teachers are guiding us right.. the only reason why we're so tight for time is because we dont use our time wisely.. but.. i dunno.. felt damn guilty.. like i didnt do anything to help the situation..

tuesday:
the first thing that happened to me in school was that a bird flew in through the void deck, and shitted on my jacket.. and i didnt have any big reactions.. just went to wash it off.. practised by myself with reu coz mdm and jun had to go for some interview.. out of the 40mins.. only spent 10mins productively.. but at least i worked out the solo scenes.. so its not that bad.. lost my wallet..

wednesday:
lost my dep individual skill file.. like the wallet.. the last time i remember having contact with the lost items was me putting them into my bag.. sigh.. voice class didnt go well either.. ms ae-ree kept asking me why i was using so much throat today..

thurday:
cried during chem tutorial because my mdm asked me why i wasnt doing tutorials.. and i started tearing when i said that even when i did the whole tutorial for this topic.. did all the qns and understood.. paid attention during lectures took down notes.. i got a miserable 6/25 for a class test.. even if i didnt study i could have done better guessing..

and i was mad that i was so stupid.. so stupid to take chem.. and so stupid that when i do take chem.. i CANT do chem..

thats when i started crying..

and when i cry my eyes become damn red.. my nose turns red too..

then my mdm talked to me a bit after tutorial.. which lead me to be late for the chem test..

i walked into the LT.. the invigilator was walking up the steps to like check on people.. she didnt even turn to see why the door opened.. i looked around.. there were no empty seats.. i walked up a few steps.. looked some more.. no empty seats.. so i just turned and left the chem test.. and for some reason.. it seemed like the most logical thing to do then..

went for dep consultation after that.. jun copied my song recordings into my thumbdrive.. and i lost the thumbdrive right after that.. last memory was that i put it in my bag.. found my individual skill file on a random table in the void deck.. been feeling really bad.. really bad.. smsed jun at like 10pm saying that i plugged in my thumbdrive to my main com.. and my com crashed and i lost all the data he gave me today.. and i got jacked big because then he replied, kat we found an thumbdrive identical to that of yours are you sure? and i was like holy shit!

and felt worse coz like.. i disappointed him.. and like the other teachers.. by.. lying.. ... shit..

friday:
which lead me to wake up at 3am in the morning and i did my heiraglyphics.. there's something therapuetic about drawing those heiraglyphics.. mdm passed me the thumbdrive to me and i apologised to her and jun.. and really meaning it.. which is queer coz when mr sum makes me write apology letters i dont really feel sorry.. but in this case.. i felt really ashamed of myself..

and it was only during choir practise.. with so much free time with the mdms spending time on other sections.. that i realise that my fucking prelims are next sunday.. and the only time we can actually meet and try the FIRST full-run is next wed.. 3 days before my prelims..

and this is where i realised that all the laugh-;augh happy-happy practises were appropriate if my prelims were 2 months away.. not when it was less than 2 weeks away.. and that was my fault.. i should have reinforced the importance of the practises.. and how tight for time i am.. sigh

reflection
and this is where i say that this is truely the first time i can say that i am stressed.. really.. and stress really is a suffocating feeling.. suffocating because u are trapped underneath so much things to do with so little time..

and close to hysterics when things dont go your way or the way its supposedly supposed to go..

and being stressed isnt fun or a nice feeling to have.. this week has really been a shitty week.. after this dep prelims im so going to like just take a week break from school or something.. i wont be able to relax knowing its next sun.. and i'm not doing anything constructive to my piece now..

i dont think i have ever felt so trashy for so long.. the longest was just like 2 or 3 days.. not the whole frigging week.. screw this all..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11640369/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11640369/ Wed, 31 Jan 2007 19:55:06 PST
why are you thinking so much? get over her.. she doesnt really care.. so why are you still holding on? i think u're just being stubborn.. u just wanna stick to ur word that u will love and wait for her forever..

but u know its not practical

im not saying this because i have other intentions or just wanna see u give up and all.. im saying this because its not good for you lah.. its difficult seeing u mood swing up and down and then not knowing what to do because there's nothing we can do as friends to help you because all that u're doing are self inflicted

its no longer about her.. i dunno.. i feel like its about proving urself to the whole world that you CAN and WILL wait for her..

i dont think u can move on without giving up.. if u still like her.. then u havent moved on.. now its the same as before.. just that whatever u feel is expressed in the comforts of your own home or friends rather than to her.. how can that be considered moving on?

...

yeah so thats kinda just my thoughts to you..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11595007/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11595007/ Sun, 28 Jan 2007 03:13:13 PST
Both teachers from both sides said no. decided no.

So wad was the point of asking me to go back and think about it when you’ve already decided for me?

Its like someone close to me died, leaving this empty space. And I know I can’t do anything. I wanted so much to be involved in west side, but now, im denied of this opportunity.

They could have told me earlier no, rather than saying oh if mr sum says ok I’ll let u in. rather than keep asking me to go back and think about it.

Mentally really positive? Fuck you.

Denise asked me to be a bit more selfish, and think about my grades. But, I can’t. I really want to give to west side. Sitting in and just observe isn’t the fucking same as actually doing it. Fuck you.

But im feeling better. Elina said, “Don’t you think everything happens for a reason?” I guess. And I guess I’ll trust in that fucking higher being that he knows what he is doing.
So I guess everything does happen for a reason.

Sop lunch was fun. Suying pratically doesn’t talk at all. Was kinda emo at the start but was ok by the end of it. Sorry. Stupid colleen wouldn’t let me out lah! Haha.. 17 of all together in the very small NYDC. Eh the rest of u all who didn’t come better come next sop lunch/dinner!

Went backstage for the Chinese opera thing, and I was so enlightened. I cant believe such a beautiful art might be lost in our generation. Which is why im probably going down to the various places where the Chinese opera troupes practice next Tuesday and Thursdays. Elina might be joining me. Haha, she got pretty emotional about the whole situation. Its like these people actually sang the Chinese opera in English in a way to reach out to the younger generation – us. But by singing it in English, it kinda spoils the whole meaning and beauty of CHINESE opera. (:

the people were really warm and all, answering out questions and allowed us to take pictures of them. I really learnt so much, so much I probably would never had known if I didn’t go backstage yesterday. (aha! The perks of being a drama student!) But for some reason, by the end of the backstage visit, I was kinda feeling creeped out in a way. There was just this suffocating feeling. I dunno. Maybe it’s the thought if I joined the Chinese opera troupe, I would probably be the only teen there – there’s another teenager in the troupe, only 18 studying in poly. But she didn’t go yesterday. I guess, she probably wouldn’t be the really fun type of person, because face it, Chinese opera is kinda dull and all. But I think its beautiful.

So after the backstage visit, I got kinda high. I started talking to strangers. I said hi to the guy sitting beside sean, this middle aged guy, and we struck a conversation about Chinese opera, while sean was in between us and like rolling his eyes and swearing under his breath. That guy introduced himself as Koh. So Koh was actually really interested to see how they fuse western music and Chinese opera together. We talked a bit more about Chinese opera and even sean was included in the conversation, then we talked about H1 and H2 subjects. Haha. Then there was this guy sitting next to me, like out age, so I said hi. And that guy took like a while to say hi back (he was stoning) and I asked him whether he watched Chinese opera often, and he was like no (and from the tone and body movement, I kinda guessed he was think wad a freak I was), so I just asked whether he was supporting a friend, and he was like yeah.

The opera was quite ok. I guess it is very difficult for these older people to actually change their usual Chinese or Cantonese lyrics to English. And fitting the meaning and the tune as well. But it just lacked something. It was kinda weird.

During the interval, I got really high and decided that if I saw that string ensemble guy who went on stage to announce the Chinese opera thing, I was going to say that I thought his voice was sexy. But I didn’t. ): so im so going to tell him when I see him in school. (:

After interval, Koh asked me how I thought of the whole thing. I was like I didn’t really like it, coz singing it in English kinda ruins the magic of Chinese opera. But koh was like all don’t you think it was a great effort to do so, and I was like definitely.

im so going to tell him his accent is sexy.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11572538/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11572538/ Fri, 26 Jan 2007 05:26:24 PST
I asked mr sum about west side story. And he made a big fuss about me wearing my puma jacket, like how its unflattering on me, and me trying to explain to him about my chem. Stain, which he kinda like ignored me and continued talking, until I pulled up the hem of my jacket and showed him the stain, to which he just stopped and said “eh it looks like..” and started laughing, and I was laughing too, saying “that’s why”

Well, basically he asked me whether ‘sir can say no or not’. He explained that he had gone to see so many teachers and asked them for their opinion. He even talked to mrs c and ms wong, and they all raised the same concern – that I might cause damage to my health. And then it wouldn’t be just choir affected, but also drama affected; two major CCAs affected. So the decision in the end kinda was in his hands. When I argued that I wont be like stressed and all, but he said that he knows that im mentally very positive (yeah right haha), but the strain from the 2 busy schedules might affect me, some more this year is A level year.

I told him I really wanted to be in the show because I was doing musical theatre for A levels, and west side would be a really good experience, so he offered an alternative; that I sit in for the singing sessions so that I can learn the techniques and all. But I think that would be more cruel than letting me not go at all. By then I was kinda close to tears.

Something I have been looking forward to so so much since last year ever since it was announced that we’ll be doing west side this year. And suddenly you tell me that I cant do it, its like you took something so dear away from me. I would feel that exact same way if you suddenly decided to take me out of syf.

And now im stressed out over not being even more busy.. haha its so weird lah..

And so I’ve decided that to tell mr sum, that though I would so much really want to do west side, I will trust on the advice from him, an adult, and do whatever he advices me to do.

I may be depressed empty and all for a while, but im sure this decision is the right and practical one, though not the one I want.


26th January 2007

why did I have to live up to the expectations of others? Why does everyone have to tell me that I seem so happy, carefree and happy-go-lucky?

And why do I seem so when what I really want to do is fucking beat the shit out of the nearest person standing next to me, slash my wrists, be fucking direct and completely brutal with the dishing out of words.

Is this called stressed up? Maybe. Maybe that’s why my inner violence is creeping into my dreams.

And why do I feel this sense of peace and calmness when I do cremo? Maybe coz im the one like totally committed to it, no one to compete with me for ‘being the best in doing cremo’. Its something im good at. Haha. Cant believe I have to even resort to fighting to be the best for crème. Or maybe im making up for the times I could have spent with drama people at west side, at cremo. I don’t know. When I at the cremo, Im at peace, and for some reason, that’s why I don’t want to leave it, and spend my every break doing cremo. Maybe its just another example of being too emotionally attached to something.

and suddenly i want to lead a rebellion against choir, or specifically jerome. for some reason he really irks me. and obviously whatever i do will only be in front of the j2s; i wont do anything that might jeopradise the reuptation of choir or so u may call it..

the teachers really put in alot of effort on us, so we shouldnt harbour contempt towards them both drama and choir alike. sigh.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11535904/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11535904/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 21:51:35 PST
even now, im almost losing it. i dont even know what's keeping me here, whats making me go on. because im just tired of it all.

sometimes. i wish i was supergirl or something, then i would be able to like choir drama soccer and my studies, and not be nagged by so many people from so many directions. i really want to play soccer. days are just flying pass me, leaving me in a stupor. I guess its the friends that keep me going, keep me sane in this crazy hellhole of a school. and somehow, i finally understand why sean hates school. its just to stressful, and we dont realise how stressed we really are, because everyone around us are eually stressed if not more.

last fri. i had a dream that i tried to kill myself. i was at css. the first recollection was that i was trying to jump of the building, and was climbing up this ladder when two cheery people came along and were like 'kathy, why are you climbing that thing? come down now'.. and then i was at the HR, where the choir people were everywhere outside the HR. i found myself staring at the pond, stoning and emotionless compared to the bubbly and cheery choir people. then i slowly dropped myself into the pond and held my breath. i could hear the thoughts of the choir people, and they were laughing at me, laughing at my pathetic attempt to kill myself, laughing yet kinda worn out, like they've seen me try to kill myself too many times.. but when i was down there for too long a time, they panicked and were contemplating whether to pull me up or not, when i got out myself. then they laughed it out.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11477955/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11477955/ Thu, 18 Jan 2007 04:22:11 PST
but i lost it..

like when i took the bus with jane trix and wanling coz i was meeting my mum at IMM.. for some reason what they talked and laughed about was like so trivial and so.. i dunno.. so wadever.. and then i sort of realised when i moved house and hang out with other people.. i lost that connection with them.. i couldnt get what they were talking about

and i know im fat.. and sometimes noisy.. but.. u dont have to rub it into my face all the time right? seriously.. u insult me and then hug me and say its alright u still love me? fuck you. u know how come its like only me who's getting all the fat comments? fuck im working on it ok? i dont see how insulting me helps our relationship with each other.. seriously.. i know u dont mean it.. but if u dont mean it.. then why the fuck do you keep talking and saying it? well let me tell u why.. coz everyone has a mean streak in them.. and everyone needs to let it out once in a while.. and im like the only fucking person there so u can all insult and nothing will happen to u.. coz i dont matter.. coz im just that fat girl sitting down there waiting to be insulted and to be called names..

seriously.

what the fuck am i?

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11394792/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11394792/ Thu, 11 Jan 2007 05:38:11 PST
more to come later.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11357653/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11357653/ Mon, 08 Jan 2007 02:52:19 PST
ben chow is weird.. and even more so now.. ok like on the dress rehearsal day.. suddenly im his wife.. then he actually like was talking about sex and stuff.. like how the seniors in drama actually made out like back stage, in the dressing room, in the classroom and behind the black studio.. and then he actually like said we don’t know what actually happens on the couch we were sitting on in the dressing room.. and he suddenly came closer and asked me whether I wanted to exercise on the couch.. which is where I totally freaked out and grossed out that I left the room lah..

and apparently he’s been telling nicky stuff.. like on that dress rehearsal day.. he actually told nicky ‘Do you think I can bed Kathy by tonight?’ and stuff like that.. … and he was also saying stuff about other girls there lah.. don’t know whats wrong with him now lah.. he’s like damn despo and weird lah..

which leads me to the fact that drama people ARE more touchy than like usual people.. like on the couch.. we just squish ourselves onto it.. and we are usually in really close proximity of each other.. which probably makes us more.. I dunno.. im not comfortable with people touching me or even like coming really close.. but I ok with drama people doing it.. and I find myself becoming more touchy..

I had this dream like a couple nights ago.. it was like during this choir gathering.. I cannot remember any familiar faces.. but I know they are choir people.. and they seem to be all wearing this same top or something.. so basically I was like being totally slutty and stuff.. sashaying around.. acting coy.. basically being this total slut.. and then got this alumni guy.. he was like making kiss-y faces at me.. like teasing me to kiss him.. I remember his skin quite good haha.. and so I went over and kissed him.. and when I was like done he had lipstick all over his mouth.. and he was like stunned..

And the worse thing was I remember feeling proud and triumphant.. like I was damn happy and cocky that I kissed him.. and all the choir people around me were like watching me.. and they were like stunned.. and somehow I could feel this vibe which clearly meant they thought I was a slut.. but I didn’t care..

And then I woke up.

And somehow now.. I feel myself becoming more and more of a slut.. like im walking around hoping to get one of the guys hook me up.. and then like I work my body to attract guys or something.. haha I know its like damn gross and like damn cheap can but it just happens.. and I don’t feel comfortable doing it .. and the thing about my dreams.. I wont do wadever I wont do in real life.. I can think in my dream.. like if I see Jerome I wont like suddenly jump up and kiss him passionately in my dreams.. because thats not I would do in real life..

which shows that there is a chance of it happening in real life.. sigh..

Talking to heath is just exhausting.. he’s always talking about changes to make like self better.. like how unhappy he is about self.. and he thinks that by talking it out to higher authorites will help things.. I guess this is why I stopped talking to him for a long time last year.. its just exhausting.. I don’t really know what exactly drains me but I just know it does.. and sometimes I avoid talking to him because all he talks about is heavy.. and recently he’s really depressing.. and its not like I didn’t try to cheer him up.. and tell him things aren’t that bad.. I don’t even know whats wrong lah.. haha..

I think glory is kinda being hypocritical.. like u know for the drama party.. there were like half the class who didn’t go.. and I explained to glory that maybe they don’t feel comfortable.. but glory reasoned out that we’re a class and had been so for like a year and still counting.. then like the ppp for golden country.. glory didn’t want to go.. because apparently she says she doesn’t really feel comfortable with the alumni.. and I was like u know maybe we can just go.. it’ll be making an effort to try to get to know them lor.. but like chin they all didn’t want to go either

And we had to be like secretive because apparently we’re supposed to be comfortable around our alumni and the mdms themselves.. which I think is kinda rubbish..

and apparently, jerome was trying to act emo.. coz he thinks that girls like emo guys.. and then i kept calling him weird.. and then when he called me weird.. i was like excuse me like who is the one trying to be emo coz he thinks girls will like him more? then when he said that i was weird.. i asked him why and he wouldnt tell me.. irritiating freak.. jerome is acting really weird these days..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11165698/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11165698/ Sat, 23 Dec 2006 18:29:17 PST disclaimer: these are entirely MY thoughts ok? i know some of you people read this.. but i just want to get it out of my system
carolling season has come to an end.. and my gusto in the midst of it has died away..

sometimes i wonder whether if i had shut my mouth.. maybe things wouldnt have come to the stage it has now.. maybe if it werent for my big idea.. i probably would be still happy happy with them now..

but the thing now is.. i dont know whats blocking me.. i blame it on myself.. for not trying hard enough to make a connection.. but thats not true.. charissa barely acknowledges my existence.. and finally.. i understand how merilynfeels.. being there yet no one acknowledges your existence.. being there watching everyone share the love and christmas joy yet you just stand there all alone.. with no one sharing that love with you..

i understand how she feels.. not everyone is sociable and funny.. im not.. i find it difficult to know new people.. and i suppose merilyn is like that as well..

and coming to this realisation last night.. i've decided to know merilyn more.. so that she wont be alone.. that she can have someone to lean on..

and then i realised something else.. now that im not with them.. i wonder how i behaved when i was them.. did i always just tag along regardless of whether i was wanted or not? maybe i didnt realise then because im wasnt that sensitive then.. then i realised that i didnt play any significant role in that 'clique'.. i'm not funny like charissa or yan.. or give good advice like germ mel and huixian.. im not his best mates like colleen and ivan.. then i realise.. that i was dispensable.. haha.. i didnt play any role in it.. usually i just kept quiet and listened to all that people had to say.. i just added to the size of the clique.. and maybe i only got along with the rest of them only because i was reu's friend.. before charissa got close to reu i barely talked to her..

and if this was a tribe or a pack of wolves.. i would have be shamed and cast away like i am now.. because i let down the trust of reu.. the head chief or the head wolf if there was a position to be labelled..

and seriously.. reu u are the leader of the 'clique'.. because everyone is joined together by your friendship with them.. and most of us actually take notice of your mood and work things around it.. i dunno.. maybe its just a vibe haha

oh well

when cherie asked me whether i was ok with ur group.. i was like not really.. things will never be the way it was.. and cherie said that i should never regret what i have done when i know what i did was right.. and then i told her.. i dont even know what exactly i did.. i dont think its about the teachers anymore right? then it must be because i let down your trust in me..

and dont say its not my fault.. it is my fault..

when u said that u could see me running away whenever i see you and the rest.. its true.. i found it easier to just avoid you all altogether.. its akward.. dont you feel it? maybe not.. but its akward.. that i cant get across to this group of friends.. this group of friends whom i shared many great times and low.. this group of friends who i have been exiled from.. i no longer know how to act i front of you all.. no longer know what to say in front of you all.. i start to think that charissa will take things i say and mock it like she did with merilyn..

and slowly.. i've built this paranoid of you people.. i rather avoid then to stay and see myself excluded.. me tagging along is not an option because i will irk many if i tag along..

and telling cherie that i'll accompant her if she followed reu's group was a cheap trick.. haha.. ivan wanted her to go so i just encouraged her lah.. i was just hoping to follow.. but apparently reu was happy lah and when he whispered to charissa.. can see on charissa's face.. cherie felt it lah.. and then she asked me whether wanna go.. and i was like ok.. and now that i think about it.. it may not be because of cherie.. but because of me.. haha.. charissa is totally ignoring me and its bloody obvious.. i've become merilyn

i know i shouldnt get affected haha.. oh well..

there.. i've got it all out for now

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11047330/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11047330/ Wed, 13 Dec 2006 04:38:39 PST
and that was all we talked about from the walk from reu's table to the bus stop on the bus and eventually when she got off..

and its really interesting how her points actually make sense.. we dont own our choir and stuff lah.. haha i have really bad memory.. but it really made me wonder why some people are in comm..

the comm people are like focusing too much on trivial matter.. maybe thats y im getting pushy..

now im just going to wait til one day colleen cant bottle it all in and burst out screaming at them..

i know that day has a highly unlike chance of happening..

but im still crossing my fingers and hoping..

the comm really need some sense knocked in.. if they are all seeing with their stupid and narrow scope.. then they are stupid..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11036071/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11036071/ Tue, 12 Dec 2006 04:44:37 PST
confessions
confrontations

and its been tiring.. not just my own matters.. but other people's matters.. ivan seems ok now.. haha..

3 of them came over to my place yesterday.. reu ivan and mel.. talked to mel.. haha.. its been long since i talked to mel lah.. reu slept in the living room.. ivan watched battle royale.. and mel and i joined him halfway through the movie.. haha.. funny how when u watch it urself u technically just stone in front of the screen.. but when 3 of us watched it together.. it was pretty funny.. haha..

reu was awoken by our loud screams and stuff.. and came down to find us playing SIMS2.. haha.. its was fun lah.. then they stayed over for dinner..

i like eating home cooked dinner with friends.. there is this nice feeling of family.. like on Friends.. there is this nice and warm feeling lah.. haha..

and ivan and reu refused to use spoon and fork lah.. haha pretty funny too..

and so.. i think reu's case has a closure already.. even if the matter is still kinda sinking in for him.. i feel that.. colleen is already set on where reu stands.. reu will only be a good friend.. a very really close friend... but not boyfriend..

she said that if she was really despo.. she'll force herself to like him.. but she wont.. because its not fair for her or him..

and i applaud her.. i rather them not be together then be together not because she likes him back for who he is.. but because she feels obligated to like her back

which is so jerome..

last night.. i had a two and a half hour chat online with jerome..

we probably spent an hour arguing about choir.. and then.. i told him that i was over him.. and we talked about francine a bit..

and then he asked me whether i would wait for him.. to like like me back.. and grow up and stuff

and i said i might

damnit! how stupid can i get?

like seriously.. shit.. i said i might.. but i wouldnt if he took too long..

wth? did i think i was like living in a soap opera or something?? god.. sometimes i serioulsy think im like not thinking at all

all i felt was happiness and joy.. at the prospect that me and jerome might be together.. the thought.. omg.. im such a romantic.. such a soppy lil girl.. im so fucking weak.. damnit

but..

i dont even know whether this is real or not.. i can totally imagine 2 of us together.. haha which is kinda stupid..

haha anyway

i love werewolves..

i think our whole screwed up love lives can totally be made into a movie which aint half crappy as some shit shown in cinemas now..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11002978/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/11002978/ Sat, 09 Dec 2006 06:49:22 PST
and maybe because like we're j2s.. the teachers are not giving us such a hard time any more.. haha.. the juniors will get screwed next yr lah.. haha

i really cant wait for juniors..

today's dinner was ok.. jerome was stoning most of the time.. reu being the idiot he is haha.. jerome some things cant be forced one.. making pple sit out of their comfort zone is quite difficult.. and wad if we knew everyone already? i have interacted with everyone in choir liao.. and some more steamboat leh.. if im not comfortable with the person i wouldnt wanna get steamboat with that person lah..

anyway

everyone is emo now..

reu.. ivan.. colleen.. now im starting to feel emo.. haha..

reu coz of mark.. colleen coz of things.. she said like.. she's deciding whether or not to be nice or not.. and i dont know whether its referring to reu or not.. but she's not mad at him or anything.. i think.. ivan coz bong said beside cherie and kept leaning towards him.. well.. bong said cherie asked him to sit next to her.. and so..

haha

oh well

i guess im kinda not affected by this bgr thingy now.. let things go the way its supposed to go lor.. im not going to push.. or wonder.. im just going to live life this way.. happy and cheerful and oblivious.. i guess.. ignorance really IS bliss.. haha..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10990968/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10990968/ Fri, 08 Dec 2006 04:25:00 PST if not i probably would have been screwed 100times over and wouldnt be allowed to be as involved in drama if i did make it to comm

im thankful that i had a immense dislike to colleen at first.. which lead me to be bias and not voting her for SL though i sub-consciously knew she was probably a better candidate.. if not.. i probably wouldnt have gotten to known her better.. i prob would have continue disliking her

actually its also cause reuben liked her thats y i became closer to her coz i wanted to know what she was like.. haha

im thankful that jane trix and charissa didnt run for comm.. selfish i know but that way.. we would remain close as we do now.. i wouldnt lose jane again the way i did when she became SL in css

im thankful that clement scrwed up by drinking and stuff.. if not reuben might have been in comm as bsl

im thankful that im in AC.. where i can do both my passions - choir and drama.. know so many beautiful people.. make so many close friends

im thankful that im in choir.. where i have learnt humility.. love.. team work.. discipline..

im thankful for drama.. for balancing out the strictness of choir.. to take me away from reality.. fun.. love.. connection

im thankful for people who accept me for who i portray myself.. that way no one questions who i am.. for making me feel welcome no matter what stupid things i do

im thankful for people who accept the real me.. keeping me in contact with earth.. with real life and real people.. for loving me despite my rough patches.. for understanding

im thankful for tour group B2.. if not i prob wouldnt have gotten to know reu and enoch better..

im thankful that i didnt die 3 yrs ago.. if not i wouldnt be here to be thankful for..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10990586/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10990586/ Fri, 08 Dec 2006 03:01:06 PST
i had a lot of thoughts yesterday.. but kinda didnt go online and was too tired to do anything but play Sims and watch Sleepover.. which got me pretty chick flick high that i couldnt help gushing non-stop.. haha

ok.. let me start on things that happened yesterday..

YESTERDAY 7th dec:

ok.. reuben came back.. haha and yesh i was pretty happy to see him come back.. couldnt stop smiling.. i dunno.. its like.. he like part of my every day life already.. and when he's not there.. its like something is missing.. like my world is less stable less secure.. haha.. which is bad.. coz that means my (pathetic) life revolves around only sch stuff.. haha oh well.. welcome back reu!

and well..

i've been thinking like im suddenly attracted to david charles.. i dunno.. i used to hate him alot a lot alot.. like really alot.. like.. until like if he were to disappear from the surface of the earth.. the world would probably be a much brighter and better place

but.. ever since that bastienne and baston or however u spell it musical thingy.. i sort of fell in love with his voice.. like.. really fell in love.. and maybe along the way.. i sort of kinda found myself attacted to him..

its like.. whenever he comes in for choir practice.. i would look at him.. and then our eyes would meet.. and then i would break away to look back at mdm.. haha.. and then when we had to shuffle around and sit SATB.. he came to beside me! haha.. maybe also coz there wasnt a tenor near my area.. but still.. haha.. and he didnt correct my singing! lol..

and when we were standing in that sun burst ray formation thingy.. i was hoping with all my might that he would be placed in my grp.. coz he's a T1.. but sadly no..

haha this guy-crazy thing is getting bad.. haha..

i think im slowly losing interest in jerome? maybe coz im like getting damn turned off by like how he tries to run a one-man show in choir.. i guess the choir president bit is getting in the way.. but charissa said that when she went to his place for the small choir meeting.. where he was being normal.. she found him quite attractive lah.. haha i guess.. i guess when he isnt AA.. he is kinda attractive.. but.. when is he not AA nowadays?

u know i seriously think im going to marry a choir person.. haha.. i mean like.. even i graduate.. most prob im going to go back as alumni.. haha so yeah..

oh yeah i kinda want voice lessons.. coz if the drama rumours are ture.. then yi jun is going teach us for the voice lessons for the musical theatre bit.. i know it might be cheaper.. but please i dont think yi jun can sing that well.. well enough to teach us.. and like.. yeah.. im probably go for heath's teacher.. who charges $70/hr.. still considering.. if im going to go into the career of musical theatre might as well have a good foundation and background in it.. it'll help in choir too next yr.. SYF.. haha

oh the SYF piece really sucks.. like seriously.. if singapore really wants to be like all nation loving and stuff.. they dont have to spread the propaganda into the competition pieces.. like seriously.. even before we start singing the songs.. its already the most hated songs out of all our repetoires.. like seriously.. "education is not the filling of pail, not the filling of a pail but the burning of a fire" WHO THE HELL SINGS THOSE KINDA WORDS?? if singapore is honoring pieces like this.. its no wonder singapore's arts scene is going down the drain..

well.. today.. i told wanling that i think its quite redundant for jerome to give motivational talks after EVERY choir practice.. if he does that.. when eventually we DO need motivation.. it wont wrok anymore.. coz he would have been feeding the same bullshit since the start of time.. yup

and sat on the bus back with reu colleen ivan cherie and brenden.. haha.. i think its damn cool that ivan is still hanging in there.. and that he actually dares to go so far lah.. haha.. i think cherie might be attracted too.. (or she could be acting normal) that y ivan is still like.. yeah.. haha.. and i actually held a conversation with ivan haha amazing

ok for today..

today was quite ok i guess..

the carolling at OCBC tower or building or wadever went ok i guess.. have yourself a merry little christmas was supposedly the song which we bonded with the most.. but i cant feel the bond..

i guess.. its also coz i always see things always as "me", "me".. rather than for the group.. sure.. i DO do things for the group.. the choir.. like stuff.. i cant remember wad..

but its damn selfish on my part when im more councerned about my own sound then the group's overall... ]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10933473/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10933473/ Sun, 03 Dec 2006 07:16:58 PST
and i realise when i get emotional.. i dont remember really well.. like.. for example.. we were eating at kfc for dinner.. then we were like talking quite long and i was quite agitated..

and then i didnt remember whether i did eat dinner or not.. until i stopped and thought hard.. so yeah..

anyway

we talked about choir and stuff.. how i feel inferior being like the lousiest sop1.. like how colleen is the pitch giver.. wanling is the sectional leader.. and im the screwball..

and that im like the replaceable factor.. sop1s consist of wanling and colleen and fill in the blank.. either me jess or charissa.. for like 2 songs.. im not even singing the s1 part.. im singing the s2 part.. not even the high solo part.. charissa and meri are doing it..

i might as well be an s2 right? i still remember mdm was like on tour.. and she said all the s1s sing this particular note in karimatanu.. and she said and those two the back.. me and jane..

like wtf?? is it difficult to remember that im a s1 too?

so it basically means i suck big time.. coz we have to constantly add jess or charissa to help sing the s1.. which means i suck.. coz OBVIOUSLY colleen and wanling cant be wrong..

and im being pushed more.. kerr said to see it in such a way that they are pushing me more coz they know that i have more potential to go further and do better..

i know its like all about me and stuff.. but wadever.. germain says its all a facade.. what with double standards and stuff..

i agree.. its really double standards.. for sch choir and alumni.. and for comm and normal choir people..

and i guess i was just kinda peeved about being the suckiest one.. like i really wanna know what the teachers are thinking inside..

and why jerome is such an asshole.. he acts as if he is the only who cares.. like he is the only one who is doing anyting for the choir.. which is rubbish.. its not true.. he got so wroked up yesterday.. it showed a side of him i didnt really want to see.. him not being able to see past himself.. him not being able to make his own opinions and ideas.. him not being able to think on his own behalf.. him being hypocrtical..

when he says 'u know whats the right thing to do but u dont do it'.. him getting pissed coz we dont do the right thing.. thats bullshit.. when sch re-opens.. he's going to continue being cocky in class.. not paying attention in GP classes.. yet.. he's rams people hard for not doing the right thing.. when he doesnt? damnit.. double standards

and im not going to be the one who's going to tell him to stop it.. coz i dont mind when anyone's playing a fool as long as during choir they are serious and stuff.. but its just unfair for people getting rammed.. and once i did tell him to stop.. he just sighed and shook his head.. like.. i dunno..

germain say deflat his ego but dont crush him.. haha.. really good advice lah.. haha.. and that love cant be bought.. which is being directed reu.. no ipods..

making lunch for bong tml.. haha..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10927009/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10927009/ Sat, 02 Dec 2006 16:11:09 PST
thats all i remember from my dream

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10922467/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10922467/ Sat, 02 Dec 2006 08:12:07 PST
tired out from slping late and stuff.. i kinda drifted in and out of slp on stage.. at the end of the last row.. completely visible to the entire crowd.. sigh.. so i got told off by mr sum..

coz he like totally saw me.. and said i fell asleep 3 times.. (actually i fell asleep like 5times)..

i know it was bad and rude.. but i couldnt help it.. i really did try to keep myself awake.. i had a left hand full of scratches which i made in attmept to keep me awake.. so i told the teachers abt my job and stuff..

and then they told me that there are dep people who want to be join choir next.. the juniors.. and apparently.. im like the role model or example they use.. saying that im in dep and choir and coping with studies..

im a frigging role model

well.. that kinda sucks doesnt it? coz like.. im not the really role model-ly kind.. unless u want the bad kind then im the perfect one for it.. but im not a good role model damnit.. im a non-comformist..

this sucks..

but it feels good.. haha will work harder..

well.. my work partner actually asked me whether sean and jerome were my
then i told him about jerome rushing down to see me after he heard sean was coming to go back with me..

then my work partner said aiyah thats obvious he's jealous..

then he went on to explain how guys were objective.. how when guys do things.. there is a motive.. they wont like u know how girls shop and shop for hours? when they shop.. they already know what they want and where they can get it..

haha.. so yeah.. think about it.. THAT MEANS JEROME.. LOL

haha.. or it could mean he's just friendly.. (shall not take more than he can give)

ok..

well at ms toh's wedding.. sops kinda screwed up a section.. and well.. this is one of the grey area matters i was talking about to jome..

i was saying how choir always judges things by black and white way.. its either right or wrong.. but thats not true.. there are instances where it depends on the circumstances that situation falls under..

so like i believe and trust that my batch of girls all sang the right first note.. but coz the seniors were singing the wrong note louder.. we were thrown off.. and in choir.. there is this unsaid rule that seniors and alumni are always right..

and because we were thrown off.. the wrong notes were being sung.. and by then it would have been too late sing the right tune.. it would have been clashing with the wrong tune.. so we just joined in and sang the wrong tune.. but speaking for myself.. i did give in more for the rest of the song..

so when mrs wilson asked who sang wrongly.. i was disappointed that only jane jess and i raised our hands..

the whole section sang it wrong together.. and even if we didnt sing the first note wrongly.. we didnt come in strong enough.. we werent confidant in ourselves..

its a section mistake.. and we should have taken on the responsibilties together..

its not a matter of wrong teachings.. or bad teachings.. coz wanling is a great sl.. her sectionals are effective.. leading us to know our notes pretty well..

but what im kinda disappointed is that wanling didnt trust that we did sing the right note.. i mean.. i know its lots to ask from her.. but.. still.. u talk about trust so often.. but i dont see it happening..

whats worse is that jerome didnt even trust the sops enough to admit to our own mistakes.. trust? whats that? a childish figment of an idealistic world? something to be grandly talked about yet not carried out in actions? hm trust

group and team work? non-existent.. if we're just looking for people to blame.. we arent a team.. because for a mistake to happen.. it may take one person to start it.. but the rest of team should be there to prevent further damage from happening.. ... i just dont feel that there is a team spirit here.. its all about saving your own skin.. which is not something choir is about at all..

i guess personally.. i could have been more confident with my own notes.. and not have relied and depended on the seniors more.. maybe we have to get rid of the notion that the seniors are better than us..

and i think its bullshit that jerome finds it a problem that we all shuffle our way to mdm when we know we're going to get scolded.. he said we should suck it up and be like all yes mdm! we will take your scolding in our stride and learn from it.. ... which is stupid.. no one does... ]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10910974/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10910974/ Fri, 01 Dec 2006 08:44:50 PST
as to why he decided to come is kinda weird..

we were sms-ing each other..

when he asked..
"why you ask bong nvr ask me one? haha.."

then i said..
"lol jealous argh? haha nah coz i went to look for him during my dinner break.. wanted to go see you all after that but no time.. haha so yeah"
i thot he meant why i asked bong to visit me and not him..

then he said..
"yeah damn jealous please.. as in why you ask him whether he wanted the job and nvr ask me.."

then i said..
"lol OH haha u didnt ask me.. Bong so happened to ask haha.. Why? wanna spend more time with me argh?"

then he said..
"haha yeah why cannot is it? problem ah"

then i said..
"Lol cannot! Haha.. Later like you more then how?"

then he said..
"then good lah then wat? ha ha ha"

then i said..
"Lol good for you not for me haha"

then he changed subject and asked..
"eh what time you wokring until ah?"

then i said..
"10pm.. Im going back with sean(="

then he said..
"orh liddat lor say another guys name and put a smiley there.. fine be that way.. haha kk im coming to visit you now"

then i said..
"Lol wth lah haha.. I thot u eating out with parents?"

"nvm pang seh them.. haha for you ok.. better be grateful.. even pangseh my grand father ok haha"

then i said..
"lol dont lah crazy boy"

then he said..
"wad.. not happy is it?"

then i said..
"U damn drama can? haha i just say another guy's name u like so wroked up and wanna come look for me haha.. "

"ok ok tell that guy to watch out.. i whack him up haha jk jk just go there talk cock with you lah"

then i said..
"he's my gd friend lor haha the one i kissed during b&b.. lol ok"

then he said..
"ok hes a dead man.. his ass is mine please.."


which is quite random.. he came and just stood around in front of my counter.. and talked random stuff.. and stood around until i knocked off from work.. which was an hour.. then we parted.. with he tryin to convince me to be like good choir girl..

sean sat a bit of the bus ride back.. then he kissed me good bye on the cheek and said "tell jerome i return your kiss liao"



i like being kissed haha

anyway

sean said that jerome prob is kinda possesive..

but he said i shouldnt analyse too much in wad he does.. coz i should be grateful for what he has to offer.. coz its unfair for him.. he only offers that much.. yet i want more.. its unfair to him

this is the first time i have heard it being put across this way.. and i understand what sean says..

last night i dreamt that i was talking to mrs wilson during the christmas party without my boots on.. and she was like asking my why i nv wear them.. then i was like oh coz its damn painful.. then she laughed and said see lah.. so ai4 mei3 (like to look pretty)

then i woke up.. pretty weird dream..

just realised i look like a total slut at the christmas party.. SIGH

as ma weili best puts it.. its like i crashed the party.. got drunk.. and posed for every pic.. so i look damn out of place.. haha..

slut slut slut.. damnit.. oh wells.. at least i looked like a nice slut.. haha

kerr said i looked like a porn star..

sigh..

tired.. shall go to slp now.. the guy i worked with was quite ok.. he's quite funny.. a lot of NTU students working for capitaland.. though i think he like damn sianz then i keep toking to firends who came and visited me! haha..

thankx to chorks yihui bong sean and jerome for visiting.. haha.. at least wasnt so sianz..

the barbie show was sucky again.. i can almost memorise the songs liao.. when i do said good bye to your ears haha

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10888183/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10888183/ Wed, 29 Nov 2006 08:35:29 PST
anyway..

it was fun.. the MC thing was bullshit coz we were really redundant.. haha

im glad yan is going to do the MC for carolling with bong.. as in im glad for her coz its something good and something yan will be good at.. though i couldnt help be a tiny bit jealous..

if there is a god..

what has god planned for me?

i dont really believe in god.. and usually things and matters happen due to cause and effect.. but in this case? wads the cause and effect?

so manybe its easier to believe that god has a plan for everyone of us.. and accept things that way they are now.. rather than fight it and be miserable..

i offically love ivan. love his handwriting and his drawings! haha.. JANE! you should collaborate with him.. im going to put the notebook you gave me into good use.. going to do my 'stone' comic strips in it.. haha

and i cut my hair at next.. and its MUCh better now.. haha.. didnt know that my hair was THAT bad.. until the hairdresser was like exclaiming like crazy..

i will learn to be thankful for a lot of things.. and realise somethings..

like how the world doesnt go around me and only me

thankful for the wonderful friends

the oppourtunities i get in choir..

and be thankful for all the life has given to me.. and not be greddier by saying that i want everything.. the teachers do things with a reason behind..

haha i think i should stop thinking about this kinda things..

will think about the one month left til school reopens

chemistry

..

(to be continued coz im falling asleep at the com)

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10876771/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10876771/ Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:02:48 PST
they knew of this christmas party about a month plus ago. and they only told the choir 2 weeks ago. and before that they were planning on their own. and they dont work very fast either.

which left US.. the normal people of choir.. very very little time to organise..

i know its not their fault that sir placed another performance on the christmas party day itself..

but its not our fault that we have to rush everything on such a low budget and stuff..

even at around 9pm.. one day before the christmas party.. no one knew who were doing the game props..

and today i was thankful for marcus coz he defended the MCs.. yan and i.. saying that it was unfair for us to be doing the games thingy that kinda thing..

haha..
damn tired..

had flour fight just now.. and need to wash hair.. haha

and i just realised that im a pioneer DEPer in choir..

and defintely wont be the last..

i have left behind a legacy

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10875026/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10875026/ Tue, 28 Nov 2006 02:47:20 PST
marcus siad that mr sum wants to like audition the DEP applicants..

why?

dont they realised how sucky it is?

omg..

is it because of me?

haha im not so great right? the pioneer DEPer to be in choir.. is this the legacy i am going to leave behind in choir? hm..

but dont they realise that its pratically suicidal if they cant make it.. that its pure torture if they have to give up one to do another?

or maybe

they see something in me that the other choir people dont have.. something which only drama people have.. and they want more of it in choir.. thats why they want DEPers to be in choir next yr as well..

if that why?

did i start all this

damnit.. this is what happens when no one tells me anything.. i always think that I am the one.. I am the cause of things good or bad.. and make myself greater than i already am..

but anyway.. i'll probably discourage my choir juniors next yr from taking DEP coz its really crazy.. but would encourage if they are really really interested..

but it'll be damn cool to have a DEPer choir member next yr..

reflections from the past few practises..

im kinda happy that mdm moved me to the third row.. i was pratically willing in my mind to look at me and put me in the last row.. haha i guess im a last row kinda person.. when she called my name i practically grinned ear to ear and moved behind..

i was also damn happy that i have a speaking part for oh come emmanuel.. im like OMG!! haha.. i kinda knew i was going to get.. but u nv know in choir u see.. when mdm was looking for people to speak.. i was like pick me pick me in my mind haha.. and i got it! was pretty happy.. considering dahpne said that sops dont get the speaking roles coz they usually have the melody and cant like waste sops on the talking part.. but im in drama.. so yeah haha..

and im kinda surprised that i dont get certain parts.. like for example.. for on suri.. like there is the on suri part.. where the choir sings.. and the melody is the SAME for like 4 verses.. and there is the solo high part at the last verse.. and god rest ye gentlemen for the last verse which is like a solo..

and technically all the s1s sing god rest ye.. coz its like the solo.. but i wasnt there when mdm asked the girls to sing.. so i wasnt singing the god rest ye.. but i didnt ge the high lines for the last verse either.. like hello? im a s1.. and im singing the main base line?

maybe i wasnt asked to sing.. coz im kinda loud.. and it would overpower the rest of the people..

or maybe coz my lower notes are nicer and louder and the main part IS kinda inportant..

and i wasnt asked to sing the god rest ye coz then the god rest ye would be too loud.. and then the main line would be lost..

or maybe its just so that other people can get a chance and like build up their self confidence.. which i supposedly have in abundance..

or maybe (i like this reason the best)

there is something bigger for me to do soon

haha

see? i told you my imagination runs wild sometimes.. haha.. and i come up with so many 'what if's to many situations..

oh well.. but i enjoy myself during choir.. and thats what counts..

though i wish i knew wad was going and the reasos for certain decisions made and stuff..

like why jerome was made the winter wonderland soloist

when he really really kinda sucks.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10869543/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10869543/ Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:19:47 PST
]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10831239/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10831239/ Fri, 24 Nov 2006 06:44:45 PST
i cant fucking believe i like him.. the fucking king sitting on top of all this bullshit..

fuck.

i havent sweared like this for damn long..

maybe coz im been feeling pathetic the whole day playing habbohotel.. damnit..

fuck fuck fuck fuck..

i almost ripped out my keyboard smashed it onto the floor and scream hysterically at the same time thinking 101 ways how to kill myself to fucking spite them.. but resorted to typing damn hard on the keyboard...

this always happens when i talk to michael.. either its a good conversation.. or its an extremely agitated one..

and now im sorry for saying all those spiteful things to him.. how i wished he would drown showering.. and how him getting the choir christmas party invitation dates printed wrongly was a fucking COMM problem and not a CHOIR problem.. and that i didnt fucking care about his problems..

...

and im done being angry.. just like that.. not even half an hour.. and the anger is gone..

...

but there was so much anger.. where did it come from?

ok.. anyway

i like ivan in that nygh sch uni..

haha its damn cute! he really looks like a girl! like some butch.. haha

and this where i admit i might be bi coz i always find myself attracted to butches.. for some peculiar reason.. like that goalie from that soccer team who trashed us.. omg i was practically swooning..

this is wrong.

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10806732/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10806732/ Wed, 22 Nov 2006 01:29:32 PST finally

i got money from dad's friend

went all the way to ntu to get it..

and on the home i met my sec 1-2 pe teacher.. haha chatted on the bus.. he thinks its damn cool that im in drama and choir and drama is my subject.. he said that last time when he was in acjc.. there was actually an badge that said 'acjc' instead of the present one which says 'acs'.. and that for pe the guys could choose between wearing school tank tops or polo shirts while girls had to wear polo shirts.. interesting stories.. haha

tml the psle results are out at arnd 11am.. that means im going to go for choir first.. then collect results.. then go back for choir.. i love choir..

and i think my haircut is screwed.. planning to cut my hair butch.. something like ivan's haircut.. might as well try it while my parents are away.. if jane cant do.. then i'll go for one of those $10
haircuts.. yup yup..

5.31pm
i dont think its good listening to the same emo songs over and over again.. here's my songlist i've been playing over and over again since 2 days ago everytime im on the com..

i caught fire (in your eyes) - the used
hark! the herald angels sing - take six
unfaithful - rihanna
our song - m2m
don't say you love me - m2m
tell him - celion dion and barbara streisand
don't phunk with my heart - black eyed peas

dont feel like listening to anything else now..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10806719/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10806719/ Wed, 22 Nov 2006 01:25:30 PST
just spend the last 3hours 20mins doing something i havent done in a long time.. i travelled to a different place.. a different time.. and become someone else.. someone i would have proud to be.. having been on the seas for 2 yrs disguising as a guy..

im just done reading the second installment of the Bloody Jack series.. 'Curse of the Blue Tattoo - Being of an Account of the Jacky Faber, Midshipman and Fine Lady' by L. A. Meyer

damnit.. maybe thats why im so weird haha.. been reading too much fanatsy stuff.. though this book wouldnt fall into fantastical but more of historical.. haha but fiction nonetheless

but its really heartwarming to read it.. after reading the first book

Ok.. basically Jacky is this orphan and she gets herself onto a ship disguised at a boy.. and she forms this pact with like 4 other boys i think.. one of them dies in the end.. she falls in love with one of them and the i cant remember about the other 2.. so basically the first book is about her adventures on sea that kinda thing.. how she fell in love.. and how she got captured as women arent allowed A LOT OF THINGS that time.. oh she became a pirate and rose to quite high ranking.. and the guy she like went to serve the navy and then so like the guy (ok his name is Jamie) is like after the pirates lah.. so exciting right? haha

so in the second book she's caught and sent to this lady's school.. which sucks coz she is like how tomboy and stuff hah.. and she does a lot of qeird stuff and stuff.. like getting arrested for showing her knee to guys while dancing and stuff haha

and she sings and plays music to people in tavern and stuff.. haha and she keeps getting into trouble.. but also coz she's like different she actually helps a lot in things lah

and its sweet how she and Jamie are still in love.. and they exchange letters though the letters nv reach other for some reason.. and when Jamie received one letter from her.. he was like so damn happy that he was practically gushing.. haha

come to think about its kinda like the pirates of the carribean.. i think haha

its kinda creepy how i see myself in fictional characters

maybe when you read too much and admire fictional characters.. and you yearn for that kind of life.. you subconsciously become that character.. incorporate aspects of their life into yours..

damn looking for the third book now..


p.s. ok the book i read was actually the 2nd book.. the book i read LAST time was the 3rd book.. that means i havent read thr 1st book.. and the 4th book is only just out

I WANT THE 4TH BOOK

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10797066/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10797066/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 07:04:02 PST Hi Asia,

You must remember that people enjoy a good life because they care about the future well-being and carefully plan for it. It is not forgivable that you spent so much money without in 10 days without thinking about what may happen next. Feeling good in a very short period will cause a lot of pain later. Also you must remmber that pretending to be poor is a virtue, not a shame!

I want you to and talk to Dr W. - his office is at the same floor and same section as my office and is the second on the row. He will give you $__ for the time being.

BTW, if you cannot go out with comfort and ease, then don't go. You should never do anything that may put youself at risk or cause a great amount of discomfort. Understand?

Love you,

Mom and Dad

ok they didnt ditch me in the end..

]]> ~bloodchocolate http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10797057/ http://bloodchocolate.deviantart.com/journal/10797057/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 07:03:20 PST to-do list today

#1 study any 2 chapters of chem
- makes notes
- do MCQ qns for those 2 chapters

#2 bake NUTELLA cookies

#3 work out story plot-line

#4 stretch
- flexibilty

#5 work on the ethnic costume design
- research on the special characteristic for the 3 ethnic grp's costumes
- apply into design
- at least 2 new ones for each ethnic



damn my to-do list isnt getting any done-er

haha today choir practice was quite ok.. though the start of it kinda really sucked coz the guys were not paying enough attention to mdm's piano playing they kept singing the wrong stuff.. mdm played it so many times that even i could remember the guys tune..

is it a guy thing? u know ego and stuff? hmph..

and i just realised today that im damn airy.. and me hearing supposedly trixia's air.. is my air..

DAMNIT im so stupid! cant even tell how air it is.. i always hear trixia is damn airy.. when its actually my air.. its quite funny if i wasnt this mad at myself..

cant even hear my air.. and when like one or two times i did hear myself.. i was damn shocked to hear that air from me.. that i stopped singing.. and when i started singing again.. the air was gone

maybe i want to be good so bad.. then i unknowingly trick myself into thinking im alright when im not..

that im damn lousy.. damn damn damn.. cant even hear whether im airy or not.. im damn fucking lousy..

i suck big time.. maybe i shouldnt sing at all..

FUCK.

oh but on the bright side.. i kinda figured out how to make myself less airy.. i kinda pushed my cheeks into my mouth cavity and dropped my jaw.. and jane said the sound quality was better and less airy..

and i guess its like an ego thing.. i dont really wanna borrow money from anyone.. fuck.. this is getting screwed up lah

im really getting peeved..

"We are still evaluating your expenses. Dad"

FUCK YOU!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO EVALUATE ABOUT? HOW ABOUT EVALUATING ABOUT YOU BEING FUCKING CHEAPO PARENTS LEAVING THEIR DAUGHTER ALONE FOR 40 DAYS WITH JUST $300 BUCKS TO SPEND

WHICH IS JUST HER FRIGGING ALLOWANCE FOR 40DAYS

NO EMERGENCY CASH

NO FUCKING SAFETY NET

FUCK YOU

FUCK FUCK FUCK



DAMNIT

feel like either

#1 killing myself
#2 die from some illness coz i dont have cash to see doctor
#3 prostitute myself for cash

fuck it.. that will show them

will try singing that way..

]]> ~bloodchocolate