http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:boltnrain&section=today deviantART RSS for by:boltnrain en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 19 Dec 2009 10:32:21 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5776141/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5776141/ Mon, 27 Jun 2005 21:21:26 PDT
I'm not even that good at photography. I guess I could stick to just commenting on everyone else's works and stuff.

Yeah, I shall do that. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5604459/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5604459/ Thu, 09 Jun 2005 22:47:20 PDT
Okay, I figured out I have no idea how to delete my account! Soo, yeah...

but why does it say i'm like a member if i'm not subscribed?

i took the free sample damnit!
give me the free sample!

]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5591238/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5591238/ Wed, 08 Jun 2005 17:02:02 PDT
yeah, i'm leaving deviantart.

i just...won't come here anymore.
so, bye.

this is where i dwell now:

[link]

]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5149448/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/5149448/ Thu, 21 Apr 2005 14:28:53 PDT
and when I cut my hair. Yes, yes.

I'm here, always...whenever you want me to be:

[link] ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4912938/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4912938/ Fri, 25 Mar 2005 20:49:32 PST
:grabs gut laughing insanely:

WHAT A FUCKING CUNNNNNTT!!

She wants me back? She wants ME back? SHE wants me BACK?

No, no no no no, excuse me, excuse me, IT wants me to back. IT...because IT doesn't know whether or not IT is a SHE or a HE. So IT. IT wants me back.

I would have to be insane to let my ex get me back. I'd have to be one stupid mother fucker, one idiotic bitch to be chained to that crazy cunt ever again. Fuck that shit. I'm gay, proud, single, and fucking loving it. Do you know how great it is to be right now? To have the advantage over IT?

Hahaha...IT wants me back...can anyone understand why I am so estatic right now? So crazed with fucking shock and laughter?

Because the pathetic fuck wants my fat ass back. Wants ME...there person that made IT so incrediably sick...back. Yeah, yeah, whatever. What a dumb cunt. Does ITreally think I'm THAT desperate?

IT's email was from yesterday. IT can take it's fucking email and shove it up it's fucking ass because I am single and I plan on being sing for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Because that's the fucking beauty of freedom.

Stupid cunt... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4909376/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4909376/ Fri, 25 Mar 2005 12:41:50 PST
Speaking of whom...their performance was awesome. Gave me goosebumps. Can one even imagine me at a concert? I don't think I'd be anywhere near sane...Meh.

I think me and Jay are going to a concert together. The only problem with that is she lives on the other side of the country. I mean, I want to go with someone that semi-gay and she's the only one of my gayish friends that'll go with me...since me and my other gay friend are on awkward terms.

Do you know how many lesbians go to Tegan and Sara concerts? Probably most of the crowd is 90% lesbo...which will be awesome to make friends with. Besides, it'll be awesome to hook Jay up. Haha...Don't tell her, but if I do go to a concert with her, she's getting numbers, and I'm making sure of that shit.

I wish wish wish I could go see them...

But, yeah I may have to wait until forever. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4895923/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4895923/ Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:18:02 PST
I can't wait... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4867698/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4867698/ Sun, 20 Mar 2005 22:39:39 PST
I spent the time with my cousins at their place, playing that awesome game we made up known as Blindfold Madness. Best game ever...

It's where you're on a team of three, and two people on your team are blindfolded and paired up against an opponent from the opposite team, and then one person stands in the middle of wherever and shout directions at the blindfolded teammates until they find a hidden object.

They do this all blindfolded, and the person you're again, if they have the object, or you have it, you can attack each other for it. It's so funny/fun. I luff that game.

We played that and even more.

I made up our own version of Clue. Everyone dressed up real cool and ritzy like, and I got to wear a tie (so hot) and write the letters and characters of every person we played with.

It was fun. The killer won though. It was funny because the killer was like a man who had a split personality disorder and thought he was a woman, it was strange.

The man's name was Murray Der...no one got that Murray Der stood for Murder. Hahah...I am sly.

Yeah, but that was awesome.

It's also Jay's birthday today. She's legal now, and I called her and told her happy bday and all that jazz.

Still working on her present...

I hope she likes it...hope...hope... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4854083/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4854083/ Sat, 19 Mar 2005 12:18:03 PST
Har, har. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4841865/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4841865/ Thu, 17 Mar 2005 22:43:04 PST
I hate people that fuck me over...that can't fucking tell me up front that they don't want to know me anymore. If you don't want to fucking know me...tell me.

Don't fucking pull my dick...

Bitches. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4804989/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4804989/ Sun, 13 Mar 2005 19:02:03 PST
We need to talk...we need to talk...we need to talk...

Fuck, fuck fuck. If this is about what I think, I'm going to just die. Absolutely die. It can't be what I think it is...can't be. Why would it be?

SHE CAN'T LIKE ME, TOO!

One girl liking me is a goddamn 'nough...two girls is just pure fucking insanity... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4781837/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4781837/ Thu, 10 Mar 2005 22:23:36 PST
I tell people online so that I can connect with them...so that I can have a friend that understands, that I can feel comfortable around...and sometimes I find people like that.

It's hard finding other girls that enjoy the same sex as you do...at least I find it hard. But this really awesome one found me...and I thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. And everything was great...and the strangest thing is...she is just my type. She is exactly what I look for in another girl...and I started finding myself slowly liking her...but I had to ignore my feelings...because I am just not ready to let myself fall into something again...

Not after what happened last time...

And me...who has such a horrible perception of myself thinks that there is no way a girl as cool and awesome as her would ever feel anything for me...so I suffice my feelings...and I try to pull away from her by ending the many notes I'd leave her on myspace.

Turns out...she does like me, though. But now she doesn't even want to be my friend...

The idea of not having her as a friend is tearing me up inside. I love talking to her...love so much trying to figure out what she's all about...since anything I ever assumed of her was wrong...

But...she said she can't talk to me the way we do anymore...and I just keep wondering, why? Why me...?

There is nothing special about me...I'm not pretty, I'm fucking fat...I have scars all over my body, my head is fucked up, my ex still haunts me, and...I'm not good at anything.

So how could this fucking happen?
Why did I have to lose one of the people that I can relate to most...? ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4737243/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4737243/ Sat, 05 Mar 2005 19:08:24 PST
My sister is being a bitch again. I hate her attitude, she's really starting to get on my nerves...

I'm at the computer rather than keeping my leg up because my mom is watching a movie that I despise...absolutely positively dispise.

Probably because old people fuck in it... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4730696/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4730696/ Fri, 04 Mar 2005 20:31:09 PST
Why does she go about looking at the comments that I leave my friends on myspace...is it really important what I tell my online friends...? Is it because she wants to know if I am gay for sure, because I fucking am. If she can't figured that out, then she's fucking stupid.

Dumb bitch...I hate that she goes onto my friend's profiles and reads the comments I leave'em. Especially Itzel...as though she has the right.

Fuckin' cunt...

I really hate my sister sometimes... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4715564/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4715564/ Wed, 02 Mar 2005 22:14:03 PST
I hate being reminded of her...I hate how someone will say something jokingly...and what they say is so percise to something she had once said to me...I hate it so much because it just plays her voice back again and again in my head.

I hate it...I hate that voice. It makes my blood run cold...it makes my whole existence freeze...it makes anything good within me, anything happy about me...disappear.

I wish she didn't affect me anymore...I wish that I was just completely okay with everything...that nothing would remind me of her, that she would become a mere shadow in my mind...but it's still hard. It's hard when she still calls...when she still tries to contact me.

I wish I never knew of her calling...I think it would be so much better that I never knew that she called me. It would make everything so much better. It would keep my mind less clouded.

It would be so much easier if I could just...cut every time I thought of something bad...but I'm trying not to...because cutting is "bad"...or something...

How can cutting be bad...and yet feel so damn good at the same time? ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4673731/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4673731/ Fri, 25 Feb 2005 21:08:03 PST ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4672335/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4672335/ Fri, 25 Feb 2005 18:00:24 PST
How did I do that...?

Whatever. They can delete all they want. I'll just make everything for my own use and post only my photography up here. Which means...I won't be posting much up at all.

:shrugs: ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4658455/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4658455/ Wed, 23 Feb 2005 23:11:09 PST
They're so good at molesting the mind.

Could one person marry twins...or is that just...wrong?

Fuck I feel crystalized... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4641012/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4641012/ Mon, 21 Feb 2005 20:52:49 PST ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4629049/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4629049/ Sun, 20 Feb 2005 11:18:18 PST
When we go to Disneyland on Sunday, they don't even want me to go because they're meeting up with him...

Typical.

Always left out. Probably because I hate guys. Probably because I don't understand...because lesbos don't understand.

She lied to me. Said she was going to San Fran. with her friends...turns out she went with him...

Whatever, don't trust me. I don't give a fuck...

I think I'm going to cut now. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4617633/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4617633/ Fri, 18 Feb 2005 20:25:28 PST
Maybe if that bitch had given me meds that worked the first time around, my ear drum wouldn't have burts...and then perhaps the infection wouldn't have spread to my jaw...and then perhaps I wouldn't have missed so much fuckin' school.

I just hate doctors...

Because I'm sick, I missed going to Pantheacon with my mom...grr...I really wanted to go...I really wanted one of those spiritual tattoos...

Maybe next year...? ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4580131/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4580131/ Mon, 14 Feb 2005 13:34:04 PST
Why do I need a significant person within my life anyways...? So that they, like everyone else I have shared myself with can tell me that I am fucked up? That I need some serious help...?

Yeah, 'cause I don't tell myself that enough.

I rather be alone...with my family, friends, pets, and money close by.

I think it would be better for me. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4498609/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4498609/ Fri, 04 Feb 2005 18:08:12 PST
I haven't even spoken to you for over a month and probably a few weeks, and the last time we talked all you talked about was getting high, was doing drugs and enjoying it, and making remarks about how you were dumb to ever give it up...making remarks about how I was just a waste of your time.

I hate you. Why are you calling my house? I never want you to call again, I never want to hear you lies again, I never want to hear your voice again...you're a horrible person. A very fucked up and horrible person that cares for no one but themselves.

I hope you die... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4190159/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4190159/ Thu, 30 Dec 2004 01:05:07 PST
She was all twitchy...the way girls get when they like someone, and she had a soft voices and kept saying things I couldn't make out...and in the dream, she had the most beautiful lips...

And me? I took a sticker of purple lips and put them over her lips and kissed her. She giggled....

She took off the purple lips and kissed me, her tongue touching mine, her cheeks flushed.

Dream girls are so weird...yet so desirable. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4165862/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4165862/ Sun, 26 Dec 2004 23:41:09 PST
I'm going to bed soon. I'm going to my room...climbing beneath my blankets...and then I'll watch a bit of television...tryin to distract myself, when all I will think about is getting out those razor blades and cutting, cutting, cutting.

I know I'll do it. I'm not stupid. I'll cut once I get into my room. I already did...because they made me mad, and to keep myself from crying, from being embarased or upset about anything, I thought of cutting. I thought of how the blood surfaces in little red beads...and how it spills over...or how it seeps into the tissue that I cover it up with.

Yeah...I think of that, and I'm so calm. Tranquil.

I crave it all the time. I cut all the time. I always want it...

Is that my problem? I have to have something to obsess over just to be...okay?

With her...I gave up cutting because I had her to obsess over...and oh how I obsessed over her. She was my world...my everything. She promised me so much...said she'd never leave me...and in the end she did.

Oh well, nothing to cry about. Except she still calls when it suits her. Fuck that shit. I'm going to have my sisters tell her I killed myself and to tell her that it wouldn't be a good idea for her to call because my parents are pissed at her. And if she asks why, why are they mad at HER? I'll just have them say they found my journals...or I left some sob suicide note.

Psh. I'd never leave a not. Just a will so everyone would know who gets my shit.

I could die whenever I want. But suffering is so much...better... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4148033/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4148033/ Fri, 24 Dec 2004 17:46:35 PST
All dressed up for an even that occured hours ago. Then why we still home?

Life is so boring. I just cut to fill up the time. Sometimes I cut too deep...the other night I did. It's still bleeding, and I cut two nights ago. I don't really care...I see it all as a much larger accomplisment. I'm stronger than I used to be...I can withstand more than before.

I'm not going to cry again. She started me crying...she's the one who made those tears run when for years before her I always held them back...I always kept them in. Now I'm like a fucking fountain...crying at anything, everything...

But I don't need tears anymore. I have pain at the tips of my fingers. Why do I need tears when I have such a thing so powerful?

Fuck everyone... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4126413/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4126413/ Wed, 22 Dec 2004 09:50:00 PST
What does she think...? That I need her still? Silly, silly, stupid girl. That's what she is...always has been...just some stupid little girl.

Why does she bother lying to herself? Do I need her because I'm cutting again? Because I need her to save me like she did so long ago..?

Wait, wait, that wasn't her. She changed. The old her saved me, the past her I loved unconditionally...I craved with my body and soul. That's just it. The old her penetrated my soul as she penetrated me.

But her now? Now...yuck. Now there's nothing there. There's no feeling there. I'm so empty of feeling...I'm like a coin in a well...constantly tumbling through the darkness...never hitting the bottom because there is no bottom to emptiness.

She's nothing to me now...how can she think that she is?

Okay, okay, I'll be honest...I still care. Maybe it's because I am a woman...(not a warrior)...maybe that's why I still care. A little bit of me still cares for her...but not like last time. Not as before. She can never become who she once was.

You know...? What did I do wrong anyways? Sorry your life is fucked up, sorry no one gives a shit about you in that fucked up abusive home of yourse...sorry you were raped...sorry...sorry...sorry...How many times have I told you that? Cried at my own weakness for not protecting you?

I TRIED to love you so much. Tried so hard to fill up all those loveless years you had to suffer...and when you changed, you threw it all right back into my fucking face. Why? Why? why?

I love when you threaten me. When you threaten to leave me alone...never call for a month. I bask in that idea. Don't you get it by now...? Do you really think I am gone all the time? Me? Someone who can't drive...doesn't have a job...doesn't have a social life outside her own mind...Me? Leave my sanctuary?

Yeah right. You're more of an idiot than I thought. When you leave me for that month, I'll smile wide. A chesire cat grin...because I'll be free of you. I'll be free of worries, of heartache, of tears, of depression, of urges to cut and cut and cut and cut and cut.

I want you gone now...I don't care where you go. Just leave me alone for once in your fucked up life.

You changed...and since you've changed so drastically, you need to find someone else.

So, please...leave me alone. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4084656/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4084656/ Thu, 16 Dec 2004 22:52:06 PST
What a cunt. Heh. Well, I don't really care. She knows I'm gay. I mean, if she knows I was molested when I was little, then she knows I'm gay right?

Yeah, I don't really care, though. She would have found out sooner or later. I'm deleting majority of my stuff, though, so she won't have it.

Just because she knows...I still don't want her going around in all of my shit. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4062074/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4062074/ Mon, 13 Dec 2004 22:35:09 PST
...the only thing is, if someone deserved to die...I could kill them...I could kill anyone that deserved it...and I wouldn't shed a tear...

Hm...Interesting thought.

Sometimes I want to be this warrior. Unstoppable, grand...but I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm slowly myself down...I have this image for me...this unbelievable image...of this grand fighter, this grand...woman...but I always find myself thinking I'll never make it to that...I'll never be that warrior...

I fear, I will never become who I want to be.

Because I'm so weak...so pathetically weak... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4048670/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4048670/ Sun, 12 Dec 2004 09:44:32 PST
I'm so tired...so fatigued...now my tummy hurts, again.

I puked my insides up on Friday night. Everything just came up everywhere...it was horrible...the pain, the chills, I hated it.

I also cut that night, so I was paranoid my mom would see something in my room. Maybe she'd see the envelope with my razor blades...maybe she'd see the bloody tissue that I used to clean up all that blood with...yeah...I was paranoid indeed.

She never saw anything, just my sickness...

I have homework, I have finals. But break is coming. Such a wonderful break...and softball...thank the stars that softball is coming...

Competition, sweat, strikes, hits, catches, fouls, balls...softballsoftballsoftball. I can't wait.

If I move out this summer, I want to take up belly dancing or guitar. I mean, belly dancing if I get to my ideal weight...though they suggest you be chunky for it. It's so awesome...everything about it...

I guess I just enjoy dance. And this would be for myself...not anyone but myself.

Oh and when I get that rib tattoo...it would be so cool.

Yeah, I'm trying to think positive. These are the things I want to do...and maybe, if I do them, I won't need cutting anymore...but cutting will always be there...for me, whenever I need it.

The way I see it...cutting is so much more better than people. People break you down, try to make you theirs...tell you wonderful things, tell you that they love you...swear upon your relationship with them promises you think they won't break, because they swore on the relationship...but they do break all those promises...every last one...and they hurt you.

Cutting hurts you, but it doesn't destroy you...and it never changes, always stays the same...

That's why I prefer it over people.

I've decided I do not want to be with anyone for a long long time. Why is it that EVERYONE I date, racial differences come between us? My first girlfriend had problems with me being white, and my recent one, her family hated me for being white.

Too bad I'm not attracted to white chicks...then maybe everything wouldn't be so stressful...

I'm so fucking random. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4029642/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/4029642/ Thu, 09 Dec 2004 18:18:58 PST
But it's different this time. It's...something else.

Maybe it's different because it is so much worse?

I'll stop...I won't keep doing it, not forever...I just need it now...

Right now, I need it, that's all. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3999392/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3999392/ Sun, 05 Dec 2004 23:58:33 PST
Cutting me all up inside.

A little bird with wild hair told me she called today. I didn't care. Doesn't it feel great not to care anymore...? To not obsess anymore...?

Yeah, feels good. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3986260/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3986260/ Sat, 04 Dec 2004 10:03:29 PST
She's smart about things...not boy crazy, because all boys tend to only like her for her looks, not who she is...and yet I know what she's doing. How can I not know what she is doing? Does she find me stupid? Does she not realize that what she is doing...is what I have done myself for so many years?

I don't know this guy...I know that. And I know I don't trust guys one bit...but those are my issues...it's just, I don't want my sister to be hurt by some ass online.

It's silly, how sly she probably thinks she is. I knew that one night, when everything was quiet, and she was talking on the phone...I could hear her...she left her door open like an idiot...I could hear her talking in hushed tones...I KNEW she called him...whoever he is.

I don't think I'll confront her about it. I guess, let her have her romance...but if he fucks with her, I'll kill him. Or at least threaten him.

Hmm...I wonder, last night she mentioned she had a friend who cut themselves...and how they were talking about it made them feel better...and I didn't answer her...she knew I cut, and wanted me to comment on what he said...I didn't...

I agree, it does make things better, for a while. But...is that "friend" the one she's...slowly falling in love with?

Sometims I wonder about that.

Oh, well, I can't say anything because she'll get scared. It's her life, and I will respect that. Whatever she wants to do, is what she wants to do. I just hope she is careful. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3968623/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3968623/ Wed, 01 Dec 2004 22:48:32 PST
She's fourteen, I'm seventeen...she said if I leave her, she'll call up the authorities and say I raped her...What the fuck?

I'm so fucking confused as to what to do...

As of now, I'm playing everything cool with her. I can't allow her to get the upper hand on me...

What I was going to do was get a tape recorder and tape everything she says to me...that way I have evidence against her...and if I have that, I know she won't try anything...

But, I don't know. She says sometimes that if she leaves me (which she strongly says she won't) that no matter what, I still can't be with anyone else because if I am...and she finds out...she'll kill the person I am with.

Fuck...what have I gotten into?

She wasn't always like this...it seems just recently she doesn't give a fuck about anything anymore...

Except herself. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3943554/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3943554/ Sun, 28 Nov 2004 22:12:27 PST
What's so important about her calls...? Except to draw me back in...?

I told my sister to tell her I was asleep and wouldn't wake up...and then my mom over hears me...and asks me why I don't want to talk to her...

My mom knows of us...I tell my mom that I just don't...and she keeps pestering me...and I inform her a bit...and she says I shouldn't hold grudges...because if she is calling for me so late...something must be wrong.

Fuck that...I can hold a grudge forever how long I want...

I hate being hurt...and I always seem to let myself become hurt... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3941200/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3941200/ Sun, 28 Nov 2004 16:48:24 PST
Last night she called...but I was gone...today she called and like a dumbass I picked it up thinking it would be for my mom...but no...it was her.

And then my heart sank, and my body shook with rage...Grr...

I'm just so angry with her...and she doesn't even know what the fuck I am talking about. But how can I even believe that? She lies to me...and I know she fucking lies to me...

Fucking lying cunt...

I don't want to talk to her anymore...I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore...she just hurts me. When everything is good between us, it turns shitty afterwards because of something that relates back to her.

This time it was that fucking phone call...which she has no idea where it came from.

Really, then how the fuck did people in Texas get my phone number? I don't know anyone there but you!

Godddamnit...I don't know what to believe, what to fucking do...I'm lost and drained...

And her reaction towards all of this isn't even remotely...upsetting. On the phone she seemed calm about it, asking whether or not the person sounded white or mexican on the phone. Can you fucking tell by a persons voice if they were white or mexican? I'm mean, sure if they had a fucking accent so damn think I couldn't understand their words like her fucking mom and step-dad have. But shit, the girl that called me just sounded like a bitch...

Like I'm to know whether or not they're mexican or white...fuck that shit. Why should I know that? I was fucking angry as hell...ggrr...Now I'm angry now thinking about it.

Stupid people asking me stupid questions. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3933036/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3933036/ Sat, 27 Nov 2004 16:13:34 PST
I'm trying so hard to be someone I'm not.

Being creative...when I have no creative gene in my body...

My photos are pathetic...I wish they were better...wish I was a real photographer...rather than some depressed girl with a camera.

I don't know how I am now...sort of uncaring about things. I guess that's it right there...

I don't care anymore. I'm alone, and that's okay...because at least now I don't have to worry about all the crap she put me through...

She has her life now...and I have mine.

...I just hope that I find strength to resist her if she ever comes back... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3923434/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3923434/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 09:56:10 PST
How empty...how used...how alone...

I fucking hate her. I don't need her anyways. Why do I need a fuck up like her in my life? She'll just drag me down...spend all of my fucking money, and lie to me...

Fucking lie, lie, lie. I HATE HER!

I can't believe she doesn't have the balls to tell me herself. Instead, she has some apparent bitch that she's been going with call me up and tell me how she doesn't want to be with me anymore...

Whatever...it's typical anyways. It's my fault, right? Because I didn't let her ass do drugs or smoke because I cared too fucking much about her, RIGHT?

Fuck that shit...I hope she ruins her life. And GOD, gGGGRR...if she ever tries to fucking find me when I'm older, I will be living large and I will fucking shove it in her face...

Fucking bitch...I hate her... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3910364/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3910364/ Wed, 24 Nov 2004 15:55:08 PST
Let's see...I hate relationships. I wish I was single and alone.

She's such a damn liar anyways. Always fucking has been.

I have another thing of photos to put up. I'm going to shape them up a bit, maybe. See how bordering looks.

That's about it... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3867725/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3867725/ Thu, 18 Nov 2004 22:54:42 PST
Or was I just trying to convince myself of something...?

She wonders why I hate myself...why I fear being around her...and then being around her with her friends. I know they'll say things about me...negaitivities that will get back to her...that will get back to me.

She even said today that she thought it was weird how her 110 pound friend was going out with his 120 pound girlfriend. He said they just didn't make...because she weighed too much for him.

Thanks, babe. Because the fact that comparing us, how much more I weigh...sky rockets that. You wonder why I complain so much about my weight...why I have so many fears about it...why I seem convinced that I'm this huge creature...when in reality I'm not...it's just...who I see.

She also told me how her and her guy friends were making up rules as to what sort of girls not to date...one of her friends said they shouldn't date anyone who weighed more than 30 pounds than them...she agreed.

What a fuck face...and her friends? I hope they all die...they're sick fucks that deserve to die...

Good thing I don't have access to guns...other wise most of the population would be dead. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3862999/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3862999/ Thu, 18 Nov 2004 07:09:10 PST ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3819689/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3819689/ Fri, 12 Nov 2004 17:31:12 PST
Grr...And she starts on all this shit about when I trust her, when I believe she's not cheating on me, and when I'm ready to open up to her...then that's when I can call her again. lol.

Fucking idiot...I guess I'll never call her again. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3816567/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3816567/ Fri, 12 Nov 2004 09:53:41 PST
I fucking hate you. You're the ugliest body I have ever fucking laid eyes upon...those that are closely related to you don't even appear like you...they don't have muscle encasing their whole fucking form...and they don't...they don't have fucking fat festering in every nick and cranny about them...but you, you do!
And the thing is...everyone knows it. Everyone points it out to you, you stupid stupid body. Your parents reveal it to you in hopeful encouragements...in hidden feelings. They want you to think out, damnit! So be thin you fucking nasty shit...
I hate you...I really do. If you weren't hungry, if you didn't crave all that sick shit...you wouldn't be this way. Maybe you'd be thin and beautiful...
I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of all the judgments that you get me. I hate when people call me fat...when my father does. I can still remember those times when he questioned my eating habits...when he suggested slyly that I lose weight...those stupid memories are 'caused because of your ugly existence.
Why can't we change this? Get those comments from my dad where he said I looked skinny...remember how happy I was then...?
Sigh...

Fuck this shit...you're a goddamn failure, and there's no use talking to you anymore!
]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3806096/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3806096/ Wed, 10 Nov 2004 23:20:18 PST
And I hope I fucking die soon...

]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3767953/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3767953/ Sat, 06 Nov 2004 11:43:32 PST
I'm tired of things that I can't explain. I'm tired of explaining myself, of biting my tongue for the benifit of others...emotions.

I'm sick of wondering about you. I'm sick of the voice the that is constantly telling me to forget you...that you are no good for me...and the only one that is good for me is the voice itself...

I can't think about you anymore. I don't want to...

I don't want to wait for the phone to ring and it be you...I don't want to try my damndest to be thin, just so that I can be beautiful for when I actually get to be with you again...for when you lay your eyes upon me...your palms against my dreaded form...

I'm FUCKING SICK! JUST ABSOLUTELY SICK...of loving you.

I want this to stop. I want my heart to beat no more...and I want you gone from me...

Just please...end everything you have with me...break my heart...let me bleed...

Just please...free me...? ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3550459/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3550459/ Sat, 09 Oct 2004 14:14:39 PDT
Running five days a week for now, but once my sister moves near, it will be six times a week I do hope.

This new thought, I need to write. I need to analyze different styles of writing to begin with, and then I must write my experiences in horrible fictionous woe.

Oh so damn excited!

And I know...I know it's all to spite her. I am free of her, you see? Not drunken anymore with the childish love she was beckoned me to drink. I spat that drink in her face now...but I do not hate her. I do love her still, for I cannot bring myself to hate her...she's just...not a part of me as she once was.

The knife that she has left nestled deep within my heart has caused all my love for her to slowly slip out. But I still love her...just not as I used to.

Her silence and...departure of me...her will to ignore me has done me more good than harm. It has placed me in so many positions. One of which where I felt only but remorse and pain...but later, I strived through that and have grown.

And I have grown without her waters to feed me.

I feel free of her now...but I fear the phone will ring, and her voice will be on the other line, and she will draw me back to her. This is where I must be strong...at this time, where she may call, I have to keep strong and resist her words of sorrowful loss of me.

She has lost me, yes...but of her own doing. I warned her far ago, that if she left me on my own, for even merely a second where I needed her most, I would stray from her...

And that was she has done. Whether on purpose or not, as of no I do not care. For I am free of her grasp...

The only thing is, she does not knowit, and probably won't. I won't leave her, but I shall wait for her to leave me. And if she does not leave me, oh, well. I will still write in my upcoming novel (oh, I do hope so) the harsh reality of her....

I just need to think about it before actually accomplishing it. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3499328/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3499328/ Sat, 02 Oct 2004 23:41:30 PDT
I hate it. I hate love...

Loving her so immensely makes me weak...and yet, again, I don't know what's wrong me. I wasn't like this before...I was...losing my mind.

What the fuck is going on with me?

I can't handle this...I wish that during every winter, I could place myself in a wooden box...and just be pushed aside...and opened up at spring time, where everything is okay, and I'm not going absolutely nuts.

I hate this...but I can't really do anything about it, can I?

I wish that I could do something...that everything would be okay...but nothing is okay anymore...everything is fucked up...and I keep thinking about things...bad things...

Like death...and cutting.

Cutting...and death...

I really think...that this winter, I'm fucked... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3494718/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3494718/ Sat, 02 Oct 2004 11:16:42 PDT
I've always known it, though...and I've always tried so hard to ignore it.

Me? I'm a bad girl. I slipped up and cut myself. Just two small cuts upon my breast. But what does that matter? They're small...meaningless...
Besides, she will never find out about their existence.

For all I know we aren't together anymore. At least in my book I do not feel together with her.

I am on my own again...hoping, in the summer to seek what? Some sort of freedom from her?

Perhaps, I'm not entirely sure...I don't even know what is occurring between us. I stand upon the ground of insanity...grasping it firm with my toes...and I dare not call her.

She can have fun with her party filled weekend, I will have fun on my neglected canvas...

The body. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3489477/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3489477/ Fri, 01 Oct 2004 16:55:56 PDT
She's just someone to laugh with and all. I dont like her or anything, but she's cool. Someone I get to talk to when my girl has no time for me.

Like today, and tomorrow, and...well, fuck me this whole weekend.

lol. Oh, well, I don't care. I have other things to do.

P.S. My thighs are screaming because I worked them out muchos hard last night and there is no where to run in this damn itsy bitsy city because, I don't know...

Too many fucking people. Too many fucking school sports.

AHH! ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3468969/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3468969/ Tue, 28 Sep 2004 19:54:57 PDT
She makes me cry about things that I don't want to cry about...she makes me let it all out in tears...and I fucking hate it. I don't want to let it out...I want to let it all bottle up inside me until it becomes acidic and rears its ugly head later on.

Yeah...that's what I want. So that it can burn another gaping black hole into my damned soul.

I miss hurting myself. I was reading my old Journals, and...oh how I use to bathe in the idea of just injuring myself. How addicted I was to it...how so in love I was with it...

I want it sometimes. So bad that I shake all over trying to resist it. I haven't done it for so long...so very very long...

And I never will again. Unless it's a sexual sort of thing. Haha...

I'm sleepy...tired from running...

Fat people like me running...strange... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3390473/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3390473/ Sat, 18 Sep 2004 09:06:07 PDT
I'm beginning to feel so much better...my medications are working, and my new mind set is as well. Reason is so much better than abusive reaction.

I'm psyched about working out again. I can't next week because mom says no. She doesn't want me to relapse when she is away on her cruise.

So, I guess I will start my diet. Keep a steady mind and muster up some will power. Then, the week she gets back I will start to jog, and I will start to work out 6 days a week.

January...that's when I want to be down to my expected weight.

I want to look good for softball...

...for those that I care for. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3363547/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3363547/ Tue, 14 Sep 2004 15:57:50 PDT
You know what I was thinking? I need a lot more friends. Okay, maybe not. But I would like it. Especially if they were gay or bisexual...and more females that are that way than anything else. I would just LOVE to have a friend in person that's a lesbian.

I'm just so fucking tired of hiding.

Lesbians are tricky, though. Hm...

Some are good, most are bad and flirty.

P.S. I chewed out some bitch that likes my girlfriend. And then...it made me realize that I should have friends that are gay because she won't always be there for me.

Besides, if I have gay friends, she becomes jealous.

P.P.S...I need to change my image! ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3341038/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3341038/ Sat, 11 Sep 2004 16:26:26 PDT ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3298722/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3298722/ Mon, 06 Sep 2004 09:12:10 PDT
I have to wait until 9:30 to call her again. And if I don't get a hold of her today, then it's over completely. She's avoided me for too long...and she can fuck off for all I care.

Make me hurt like that? I don't need her...I don't need to hurt the way she makes me hurt...

Fuck her... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3297014/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3297014/ Mon, 06 Sep 2004 00:25:41 PDT ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3284424/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3284424/ Sat, 04 Sep 2004 10:17:49 PDT
I'm sure it's nothing. It should go away soon enough.

Yesterday was interesting. Something happened, and I chewed her out for it and hung up on her. Then we had dinner and a movie night, so no one heard the phones ring, and I guess she called or something and she was freaking out because she thought I killed myself.

Now why would I do that? I prefer misery and pain over death. I always have.

She said everyone at her house is angry at me because I made her freak out. I told her that I don't give a fuck what they think about me or how they feel towards me. Then she said that I need to call tomorrow and explain myself to her family.

What? Fuck no. I told her that I wasn't going to do such a thing to people that say shit about me behind my back.

I don't owe her family anything. I don't give a shit if all of them were freaking out because she was, I don't give a shit if they think I'm some psycho bitch either.

So what if I am? If they don't like it, fine...they can get someone else for her, because as of now, with all this bullshit that's going on between us, I don't give a fuck.

I'm pulling away from her. On purpose, too. I need to. I've become so attached to her this summer, that these past two weeks...where she's ignored me...have been really hard on me.

Starting now, I need not to care whether or not she blows me off for her friends. I think it's about time I start living as an adult, since I will soon become one.

First goal, getting my permit. Haha...Yeah, that would be good. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3264747/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3264747/ Wed, 01 Sep 2004 16:58:56 PDT
I need to go shopping...for things that I hope to make useful. I need to. I guess now, I have no choice. I need to lose weight...I have four months starting today. Four months before softball...before I am once again judged at tryouts by run down men that strive to win with the girls they coach.

I'm not good...but I still need to try. Try my hardest.

Maybe make my dad look good.

Oh...I guess I have to go now. She wants me to call her back...she needs a favor.

Funny how she only calls me when it suits her. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3250458/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3250458/ Mon, 30 Aug 2004 20:19:54 PDT
Striving for perfection...trying for once in my life to be beautiful...

Hopefully I don't fail this attempt. Food is my worse enemy.

She's so...strange now. School...her friends...they make her different towards me. Distant, almost. I need a job...and fast. I know with a job, I won't need her like I do now. I won't need her as badly as I did this weekend...

I remembered things...about the effects of my molestation...I can recall some stuff...and I don't enjoy it. I needed her to help me then...but she was busy with her friends...have fun without me...

...being happy...

while I was being sad.

Yeah, that's fine. It's okay. I just...I need a job.

With a job...I wonder who wil miss who then?

I know she would miss me then...would complain and rant about how I have no time for her...and sometimes....

Sometimes that's exactly what I want.

I want to have zero time for her. ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3076619/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3076619/ Sun, 08 Aug 2004 18:53:42 PDT
I hope not....

I got back from camping only but a while ago. She(he?) is still gone...still in some run down place in Mexico I'm sure...

Sigh...

I'm tired.

I miss her... ]]> ~boltnrain http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3000243/ http://boltnrain.deviantart.com/journal/3000243/ Thu, 29 Jul 2004 23:24:20 PDT
I called her today...and she pissed me off. She doesn't have a calling card, so she can't call me.

But...I called...and everything was fine...but then when I tried to tell her something, I don't know...she had her friend yell into the phone at a certain point...at a certain part of my sentence I tried to say...he'd scream something...and after a while...because I was so tired, so sore...from doing so much in the past two weeks, that I blew up at her.

(("Hey, babe...babe...why aren't you listening to me? Hey, babe...haha...babe, why are you-?"

"Because, YOU'RE FUCKING BUSY!!!"))

I don't know who hung up first. Maybe it was her...all I know is I heard a click...maybe she put it on mute...

All I know...is I hung up as well.

I guess, I wasn't about to wait for her to hang up on me.

I'm not calling her tomorrow. I don't care...I really don't. I have things to do tomorrow anyways.

Why should I have the stress of her being an ass to me on my shoulders? I shouldn't have to deal with that...

And I won't.

Because...if I don't call her, she can't call me.

Simple as that...

]]> ~boltnrain