I'm officially panicking over results day now. It's only in 5 days time, and so many scenarios are going through my head.
The next ramblings are inspired by a few conversations I've had with at least two people recently.
Thing is, I know that it's not likely that I'll fail anything. Even though I try not to believe it, I am actually a smart person who can get through exams really well. But because I struggle with anything language based, I think that makes me less capable of doing anything. I'll sit outside the exam hall, muttering stuff to myself about "going to fail" with my textbook open, and then several people have to scream at me that I won't fail even if I did no revision. I'm just the type of person that assumes the worst will happen.
But I also don't associate myself with intelligence, because the people I always knew to be intelligent were the people putting their hand up to answer questions in class and the people who genuinely liked the subject that was being taught.
It's safe to say I hated anything that involved anyone having to listen to me, and I had a phobia of getting the answer wrong and having everyone laugh at me, hence the teachers always used to tell my parents that they had to find a way to get me to speak up more in class. Yet everyone else was happy to have group discussions and answer questions even if they had fuck all idea about what class they were even in. On a few occasions I remember that I would just tell anything I thought up about the answer to my neighbor, who would tell me to tell the teacher, I'd refuse, so they'd tell and most of the time get somewhere along the right line.
Also, the things that people tend to tell me I'm scary good at, are the subjects which I hate with a burning passion. Mainly Maths and Physics. ICT I liked, but I swear half my class wanted to throw me out the classroom for actually knowing what the fuck the teacher was talking about. Anyway, there were people who had an interest in what we were learning, I just learnt the stuff and wondered off again with no interest in what I was doing.
I just don't have the mentality to deal with people in the first place, let alone people who think because I know stuff well in a certain subject that I can ramble it off at ease or that because I can do one thing I can do everything. This is going to make college fun, as all I'll want to do when people talk to me is squeak or hide behind the people I already know.
A summary of the above? I set myself too high boundaries and have low self esteem, resulting in the collective student body having to poke me back into reality. *spazz*
I know nothing. End of story.
Moving on...
I really need to sort out my A-Levels. But I think I'll annoy college about that, because I want to take as many as possible, yet I still want a little time to do stuff not related to college work. So I'll ask them about it. They can be the ones to tell me I'm crazy for taking 5 or more depending on how high my results make me. If you're wondering why I'd even take that many, it's all about having to stand out when you apply to university. Between that and the CCNA, I really have no other ideas. Common sense states though it's better to do 4 or 5 really well than do more but get lower results. Brrrrrrrrr. No clue whatsoever. The letter they sent me about confirming my course says that I need to arrange with Mr Interview Person when I phone if I need to go in and get advice. So I'll do that.
Wanna know crazy? We're taking bets in this house over what results I'll get. Yeah, that's why my panic levels have gone through the roof. Dad thinks I'm going to get 4 A*, 5.5 A and 1 B. Hahahahahahahaha... no. Not going to happen. Except in pixie land where everything sings and dances and the trees are made of chocolate. Hoping for an A in anything language based is like asking for the sun to turn blue for a day.
So... shall we just agree to let the results talk? Based on that, you can all tell me I suck and need to spend more time revising.
This really is a long ramble... anyone who reads all this, well done.