deviantART: by:br0ken-heart

deviantART: by:br0ken-heart http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:br0ken-heart&section=today deviantART RSS for by:br0ken-heart en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 06:29:26 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png No Rest for the Wicked http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/28351952/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/28351952/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:56:11 PST My Gallery My Prints Faves Journal My Website

No Rest for the Wicked

There's far too much to see, my friend
I shall sleep when I am dead
I will do the things you only dream
while you pass your time in bed ]]> *br0ken-heart Devious Journal Entry http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/19622415/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/19622415/ Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:55:00 PDT
]]> *br0ken-heart PORN-O-MATIC http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11861352/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11861352/ Sat, 17 Feb 2007 22:40:07 PST I should not be expected to be conditioned to have thick skin because of what I do - I am not made of stone. I am human. I have feelings and words hurt.
Sometimes they scar.....

I have been called a slut and a whore.
I have been accused of being pornographic, cheap, and sleazy.
Yet, I don't bend over and spread my verticle smile, I don't try to touch my tongue to my nipple or shove my fingers up my crotch. I don't make 'fuckfaces' at the camera while touching myself suggestively, and you won't catch me eating at the 'Y' with a nude counterpart. I don't wink my brown eye at the camera and I don't touch my ankles to my earlobes.
But it doesn't matter. I'm nude, - so that makes me a whore.
A shameless, disgusting, blatant whore with no modesty or self-respect.

Deemed a whore, for doing nothing more than you would see on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, or in a John William Waterhouse painting.

I have been an art student all my life, and was raised a Southern Baptist by a strong Christian family. At five years old my standard Bible had scattered among the scriptures, glossy prints of Adam and Eve nude in the Wilderness, and even nude children clinging to their mothers before the alter of sacrifice. It was not filthy or appalling. It was pure and beautiful - and holy. In my Art courses every year, before I was even twelve years old, - I saw the Statue of David, The Birth of Venus, Lady Godiva, The Three Graces...
and there was never an enraged parent attacking the teachers, never even a muffled snicker from the class. We were in awe. Because these depictions were glorious - and they were of our very own form. It spoke to us, about what we are - Art by God. The perfect design by the master artist, no matter the shape or color, age or sex. From the matronly stomach and ample curves of the Reniassance women, to the sinewy muscles and chiseled jawlines of the athletic, proud men in the statues of Greek and Roman tradition. This was not pornography. We saw nothing sexual... we saw purity and grace, strength and beauty.

This is what I was taught, and what I carried with me throughout my life. A profound respect for the vessel of life, self-awareness, and comfort within my skin. Nothing to feel shame or guilt for. It is merely nature - which existed long before the constraints of social order - and will be long after the law and rule of man.

Circumstances from my teenage years stole my passion for paint and charcoal and led me away from wanting to be an artist. Yet time led me back to art and I found that I was only inspired to paint or draw the human form. By happenstance I became a model posing in a bikini for calendars and wearing lingerie for magazine and newspaper advertisements. It was exciting and gratifying to an extent. But it certianly had no artistic substance... so it was lackluster and bittersweet. I realized when offered one day the opportunity to model for a world renowned artist in Miami - that I could return to my roots and immerse myself in a passion long dead. I did not need charcoal or a paintbrush... my flesh, my limbs, -- my vessel -- was a medium, canvas and clay. Mutable, dynamic, flexible and ever evolving, the human body has been revered since the dawn of man as Art in its highest form - and I had one at my disposal. My own.

Now, by today's standards, I am not considered beautiful at all. I am "unconventional" at best. Why? I am VERY short despite the way I seem to photograph.( I am not even 5 '2".) I have an ample rear-end and chesticles to match. (which are heavily frowned upon in the couture and high fashion industry - it seems clothes look better on a twig.) I have thick thighs. (Damn you, butter! Damn you!) I have a three inch scar on my forehead and two scars on my chin from a near-fatal dog attack when I was 4 1/2.(never let your toddlers watch westerns. They might get IDEAS...) I am heavily flawed and not up to snuff for much more than glamour modeling for your average men's magazine.

Sounds so great to some of you - but here is where the lines seems to obscure. I don't get how I can bend my ass over a the hood of a classic Mustang Shelby in a black thong with "do me" written all over my face and never hear one cross word spoken. But you see my ARTISTIC work on this ARTISTIC community site and call me a whore. So it's ok to slut it up for the camera for mass-consumption like FHM and STUFF - but I'm a whore if you see my bare breasts, regardless of there being any sexual connotation or not?

I don't much care for the glamour modeling - but I do it and take it with a grain of salt, as it is what feeds and clothes me. I am far less proud of this work than I am of... ]]> *br0ken-heart VERY BAD THINGS http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11635233/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11635233/ Wed, 31 Jan 2007 13:05:19 PST Valentine's.
And my birthday.
I haven't a damn thing to celebrate.
I am a widow in my mid-twenties and I have lost all will and reason. I buried more than my soul one a year ago. I buried my every hope and dream, and my happiness.
Sure, I smile on occasion, and I laugh. And I am still a smartass with a sense of humor. But it is sarcastic, morbid, and dark now.
And so am I.
Appearances mean absolutely nothing - do not allow yourself to be so easily fooled.
Just as an alcoholic can be sober - a severely depressed and suicidal woman can still laugh. It doesn't mean she isn't depressed anymore. It means, " that was damn funny. Now fuck off and die. "
I'm still dead inside, despite what you want to convince yourself. Or me.
This is the very reason I take huge risks and am drawn to danger now. And please don't EVER dare me. I aim to tempt fate and God himself, and invite any situation that will increase my chances of being maimed or killed. And it is not my indifference to death that lures me - but putting myself in imminent danger is one of the few times I feel even halfway alive.
I'm not scared. I know I should be. But nothing scares me anymore.
That has to be a bad thing. A very bad thing.
And that's all that interests me these days.
It is not a cheap thrill, or a rush that seduces me to subject myself to such precarious acts - it is simply to feel something. SOMETHING. Rather than nothing at all.

*****Pics are back from Puerto Rico shoot with photographer Cristobal Rivera Ayala. Will begin posting Sunday.*****

http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11591216/ Sat, 27 Jan 2007 18:30:17 PST Cristobal constantly looked over his shoulder and extended his hand as we climbed the mountainous terrain of his property in Trujillo Alto. Each time I denied him, knowing I could manage on one leg blindfolded. I don't know why I become so agitated when men treat me as though I am so frail and delicate. Perhaps it is because those same men think that because I wear lipgloss and high heels I couldn't possibly carry anything over five pounds without whining or form a complete sentence without saying "Like, you know.." at least three times. I relish being underestimated. I cannot describe the satisfaction of the reactions illicited by defying the laws of physics with my petite girly frame. And without breaking a nail and mourning its loss for ten minutes.
So, when we wrapped shooting and headed back down the rocky slopes Cristobal was several feet ahead of me... and I thought it would be funny to tease him... so I moaned out loud in pain. He spun around and looked back at the ground, expecting to find me there, collapsed in agony. His eyes traveled upward and met mine, as I stood covering my mouth to hush my giggles. I began laughing. He was quick to warn me, "Very funny, Shelly -- but do remember the story of the boy who cried wolf." No sooner did the words leave his lips did I bite down on my own. I stopped laughing. But I thought I had only landed on the rock a bit hard and hit a pressure point. It was not until I was dressing by the vehicle that I saw the raw, scarlet flesh screaming from beneath a hanging flap of skin. I slapped that meat down and threw on my sock and boot and thought nothing more of it.
Til this morning. When I found that I can't seem to walk. At least not as a lady should.
More like I'm strolling the track, dragging my heavy hand and heavier pockets as I keep my hos in check and put asses to work on the boulevard. "Bitch, where's my money?" "Pimpin ain't easy" "Don't make me slap you, bitch!" "Bring mommy the paper" and "I don't love these hos" are just a few of the phrases that have now been officially incorperated into my vernacular.
So pardon me while I pimp this limp here and handle my bidness.

http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11476436/ Wed, 17 Jan 2007 22:47:06 PST Brocolli and I hiked up the side of of the mountain - MUCH TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING, he in his Timberlands, me in my suede stilleto boots. Do not underestimate me in high heels; I manuevered the slick and jagged terrain with the agility of a cat. However my balance and grace would vanish once stripped of them. Laying vertically and downstream of the rapids, I slid down on my bare ass and plunged into a pool of 22 degree water. Up to my neck.
Suddenly I was wide awake. So I became one with my enviroment, slithering up tree trunks and hanging from the rocks, defiant and devil-may-care - in my nudiepants. Would have been one hell of a way to die, -- and one hell of a funny story. Especially for Broccoli. I would be tickled to see a nekkid chick flume down the side of a mountain myself.

NATURAL HISTORY I is complete and will be posted throughout the week.
1 Thursday | Delta of Venus
2 Friday | The Cradle of Life
3 Saturday | Torrent
4 Sunday | Flesh & Stone

January 22 - 27 :

PHOTOGRAPHER = Cristobal Rivera Ayala
LOCATION = Puerto Rico
+++artistic nude shoots for the following series: HUMAN NATURE | OCEANO CIMARRON | QUEEN MIDAS | ISLA CRUDA | EDEN

Series will begin posting February 2nd.

I may finally have *some* of my work from Atlanta photographer J M Polsfuss by the weekend. If so, I will begin posting these January 21st.

http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11391567/ Wed, 10 Jan 2007 20:07:34 PST
January 13 - 16 :

PHOTOGRAPHER = Jon Helsius
LOCATION = Blue Ridge Mountains
+++conceptual shoot for: VIOLENT FEMME | BASIC BLACK | ALWAYS WEAR PROTECTION
+++ artistic nude shoot
_{STEAL MY TITLES = I WILL MAKE A CEREAL BOWL OUT OF THE BASE OF YOUR SKULL.}

January 16 - 18 :

[M.I.A.] SPOKESMODELING ASSIGNMENT - CHICAGO, IL

January 22 - 27 :

PHOTOGRAPHER = Cristobal Rivera Ayala
LOCATION = Puerto Rico
+++artistic nude shoots for the following series: HUMAN NATURE | OCEANO CIMARRON | QUEEN MIDAS | ISLA CRUDA | EDEN

January 30-31 :

[M.I.A.] SPOKESMODELING ASSIGNMENT - NEW YORK, NY

_{New posts will begin Tuesday, January 16th, and continue throughout the month. Photography from all concepts shot in Puerto Rico will begin posting February 1st.}

PURIFY deviantART / KILL THE NONDEVIANT PROPAGANDA

.....................................

http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11283673/ Tue, 02 Jan 2007 04:25:51 PST WARNING: This journal entry contains blatant and gratuitous use of the word "FUCK". If you are offended, and you wish to voice complaints or protests, please refer to ***.

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the english language today is the word, "FUCK".
Out of all the english words that begin with the letter 'F', FUCK is the only word referred to as "THE 'F' Word". It's the one magical word in the english dialect with the vesatility to describe pleasure, pain, love, hate and the whole array of emotions and sentiments of the human condition.
FUCK is a word of great mystery and controversy, as the origin and nativity of this declaration has been debated and scrutinized for ages. It has been argued that is is possibly derived from the German word ficken, which means 'to strike'. Another possiblity that has been considered is the Latin word facere, meaning "to make" or "to do". While there are many similarities in various languages to the "F-BOMB", etymological relations are still unknown at present.

In English, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical catagories.
As a transitive verb, : "Dick fucked Jane."
As an intransitive verb : "Jane fucks."
As an adjective : "Dick's doing all the fucking work."
As part of an adverb : "Jane talks too fucking much."
As an adverb enhancing an adjective : "Jane is fucking beautiful."
As the object of an adverb : "Jane is fucking b-u-tifully."
As a noun : "I don't give a fuck."

As part of a word : "Absofuckinglutely" | "Infuckingcredible" | "Outfuckingstanding" | "Specfuckingtacular" | "Infuckingtolerable" | "Fanfuckingtastic" | "Unfuckingbelievable"

As almost every word in a sentence : "Fuck the fucking fuckers."

FUCK can also specify circumstance, emotion, and situation, such as:
FRAUD : "I got fucked at the used car lot."
CONSTERNATION : "Oh, for fuck's sake, Mary."
SARCASM : "Well, fuck you very much, Sir!"
DISMAY : "Awwwww, fuck it."
ELATION : "FUCK YEAH!"
TROUBLE : "I guess I'm really fucked now!"
DISINTEREST : "Big fucking deal."
CONTEMPLATION : "How the fuck did I manage to put my underwear on backwards?"
FERVOR : "Turn that song the fuck up!"
CAUTION : "You don't want to fuck with me, dickscab."
CONFUSION : "What the FUCK???"
INSTABILITY : "You must be fucked in the head if you think Brittany Spears' tits are real."
DIFFICULTY I don't understand this fucking question. You want me to put my what where?"
DENIAL : "FUCK THAT."
INTOXICATION "I'm so fucked up!"
INQUIRY : "Who the fuck was that dumbfuck?"
PROVOCATION : "And who the fuck died and made YOU King Ding-A-Ling?"
SHOCK : "HOLY FUCK!"
DISSATISFACTION : "I don't like what the fuck is going on here..."
DISAPPROVAL : "My goodness, that girl has quite a fucking potty-mouth! Someone should wash her fucking mouth out with soap!"
DISREGARD : "Get fucked, you fossilized wench."
EMBARRASSMENT : "Well fuck me and call me Shirley!"
AGGRESSION : "I'm going to fuck you up if you don't shut your fucking hole."
INDIFFERENCE : "Frankly, I really don't give a fuck."
FRUSTRATION : "Oh, FUCK THIS. I'd rather plunge a screwdriver in my ear canal than listen to you Fucking ramble on."
INCOMPETENCE : "He's such a fuck-up!"
REFUSAL : "Get the fuck off me, peasant."
DEFENSIVENESS : "...And what the FUCK are YOU staring at, fucktard?"
ENTHUSIASM : "FUCKIN' A!"
DYSFUNCTION : "Is that a pube in your burger? That's fucked up."
DISMISSAL : "Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?"
DIGUST, HOSTILITY, IRRITATION AND IMPATI... ]]> *br0ken-heart BLACK CHRISTMAS http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11182531/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11182531/ Mon, 25 Dec 2006 01:12:10 PST

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
Don't tell me this pain will go

Don't tell me that this is just a test
from God, of my faith and loyalty
Don't tell me that I am truly blessed
because better things wait for me

Don't try to offer answers
that only God can give
Don't tell me that my grief will pass
and I'll find the will to live

Don't stand in pious judgement
Don't list all your reasons why
Don't tell me how long to suffer
Don't tell me how much to cry

Don't tell me that I'm fucking selfish
because others have it much worse
You only add to my constant suffering
and prove life truly IS a curse

Accept my sorrow and my pessimism
Because life is NEVER fair
Just hold me and let me cry
and pretend you really care

I'm too young to be a widow
Blue lips for our last kiss
He died in my arms, you know.....

GOD PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS

_________________________ *br0ken-heart Santa, you BASTARD. http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11128428/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/11128428/ Wed, 20 Dec 2006 14:17:37 PST

How long
how long will I slide
Separate my side
I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever.....

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up it brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I've got to take it on the otherside

Centuries are what it meant to me
A cemetery where I married a thief
Stranger things could never change my mind
I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

How long
how long will I slide
Separate my side
I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever had.

Otherside - RHCP

________________________________________ __________

Thirteen black roses for thirteen months, a widow.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

Fuck you, Santa.

________________________________________ __________

I support KILL THE NON-DEVIANT / PURIFY deviantART PROPAGANDA

.................................... .................................... *br0ken-heart HAPPY HELLIDAYS http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10951836/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10951836/ Mon, 04 Dec 2006 17:49:53 PST
Today's the Macy's Day Parade
the night of the living DEAD
is on its way.....
with a credit report for duty call.
It's A LIFETIME GUARANTEE,
STUFFED IN A COFFIN
10% more free!
Red light special AT THE MAUSOLEUM...

Give me something that I NEED,
*satisfaction guaranteed*
to YOU.
What's the consolation prize?
Economy-sized DREAMS of hope.....

When I was a kid, I thought
I wanted all the things that I haven't got
Oh,.....
BUT I LEARNED THE HARDEST WAY.
Then I realized what
IT TOOK,
to tell the difference between
THEIVES AND CROOKS;
a lesson learned,
to ME AND YOU...

Give me something that I need,
*satisfaction guaranteed*

Because I'm thinking
about a brand new hope,
the one I've NEVER KNOWN-
'cause now I know
It's ALL that I WANTED.....

What's the consolation prize?
Economy-sized DREAMS of hope.

Give me something that I need,
*satisfaction guaranteed*

Because I'm thinking about
a brand new hope,
the one I'VE NEVER KNOWN-
and WHERE IT GOES.....
And I'm thinking about
THE ONLY ROAD,
the one I'VE NEVER KNOWN-
and WHERE IT GOES.....

And I'm thinking about
a brand new hope,
the one I've never known-
'cause now I KNOW
it's ALL THAT I WANTED.....

"Macy's Day Parade" - Green Day

Dedicated to the ONE I love - adorned with 13 black roses,
For 13 months, - a WIDOW.....

Merry *fucking* Christmas to me.

________________________________________ ___________

*br0ken-heart BAH - humBUG!!! http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10911881/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10911881/ Fri, 01 Dec 2006 11:12:08 PST
This DA bug SUCKITY SUCK SUCK SUCKS.

I have been trying to post over twenty new additions to my gallery for the past three weeks -- and I can't do a ding-dang thing.

I had four shoots in the last two weeks and intended to exhibit several pieces from these as well as some of my more well-known works that are on display in The Howard Austin Feld Gallery on Ocean Drive in Miami..... But again.... with the technical issues and the glitches nearly all of us have been experiencing -- I can't seem to post a single one successfully.

WOW. I just found out I am fatured in The Daily Deviations.
What an honor! Thanks so much for the recognition, guys! I am so very flattered, and extremely grateful!
I am dumbfounded and awestruck to even be thought worthy or deserving of this consideration. Aw, shucks, that's sweet! I cannot thank you enough, really!

But.....That only makes me all the more frustrated and disheartened that I can't update my gallery. OMG! People are watching me!

So I am sure most who bother to browse will be disappointed by the lack of content and variety. Kinda awkward time to have the spotlight on me and be put under the microscope, considering I am not terribly pleased or confident with my gallery as is.

But what can I do, but wait for poor $lolly (love you, sugar!) and the other admins who are trying to tackle the overwhelming task of rectifying the problems so that the entire deviantART community will be back on its toes.....

Thanks to all of you who have come by; I hope you will not let my less than impressive page deter you from returning in the future; as I promise drastic improvements and numerous additions when DA is again functioning properly and will allow me to upload my art successfully.
Please bear with me as the Administrators work feverishly to EXTERMINATE THIS BUG!!!

And I promise not to disappoint you upon your return!

A Mi Querido, Mi Tesoro, Tony-
Sé que debe ser usted que me ha traído esta bendición. Debo creer que usted está mirando sobre mí de cielo arriba, y que usted todavía me ama apenas como usted hizo en esta vida, si debo sobrevivir aquí sin usted. Es una lucha cada día apenas a respirar sin usted al lado de mí. Aunque debo sentir la felicidad para los triunfos y los éxitos pequeños que vienen mi manera, la encuentro así que incluso sonreír difícilmente o sentir el contenido cuando usted no está aquí con mí para compartir mis realizaciones.
Nunca pararé el gritar para usted, mi querido; y nunca pararé el faltar de usted y el desear usted. Si hay verdad un dios, y un cielo arriba, entonces sé que usted vive encendido, pero SIN MÍ..... Tan mi solamente deseo y mi un rezo es que el dios tendrá misericordia sobre mí, terminó mi sufrimiento, y le me volvió mi solamente amor. Ruego que el dios termine este dolor y el sufrimiento que me lisia cada día que debo rezagarme aquí sin usted.
Le amaré siempre y por siempre, mi amor precioso. Y espero solamente el día que me vuelven a sus brazos de nuevo. Recuérdeme por favor, yo le piden, y nunca me dejan. Frecuénteme y permanezca al lado de mi lado; pues no puedo llevar esta vida o continuar respirando si no tengo su corazón y alma - porque usted tiene el míos, y todo el mí - AÚN.
Recuerde sus promesas a mí, y guárdelas - para ellas son todas lo que tengo, - el aire que respiro. Amo, Tony. Por siempre.....

]]> *br0ken-heart THE "F" WORD http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10833302/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10833302/ Fri, 24 Nov 2006 10:43:30 PST Dave Levingston came in from Ohio for our Fine Art nude shoot on Sunday the 19th; I will begin posting images this afternoon and throughout the week.
There are few out of the 1,500+ images he shot that were satisfactory - but this precious little came with a heavy price.
Dave is wonderful at developing a concept in the field with a high degree of difficulty that I am more than willing to commit to, as it yields spectacular results in the end.... usually....
Dave had me balance nude in 55 degree weather on a narrow log floating in water that was 32 degrees. I did a fine job laying on my back. The shots would have been stunning, had it not been for my body so tensed in trying to stay ON the log and OUT of the freezing water....
Then he asked me to roll over on my side. Every nerve and muscle in my body began to tremble as I struggled to maintain my balance, and attempt to lower myself into a laying position at the same time. I slipped off, naturally - my head slamming onto the bank and becoming pinned between the log and the edge of the lake, both of my legs and much of my body plunging into the water - and as I flailed and fought to pull my body up before I became submerged - I smacked my ankle on the trunk of the tree growing on the edge of the bank, cutting it open. Needless to say, - none of the shots are usable from this particular scene as I am far too clenched fighting to keep myself out of the water. To make matters worse - what I thought was merely a cut is now badly swollen and bruised, - so I cannot even bear to wear shoes.
From wading waist deep in this icy lake in late November completely nude - I had the great fortune of getting a sore throat and flu-like symptoms, and had to cancel with Dave for the following day. I felt terrible to have to cancel on him, as he was excited about the change in atmosphere and scenery expected on Monday - as the temperature was to drop and rain was expected all day. But if I had ventured out feeling as awful as I did Monday morning, - I am sure I would have a full-blown flu by now. I know Dave was disappointed, but I hope he is able to find some gems among the hundreds of shots from Sunday.
I had to quickly nurse myself as best as I could as Cristobal Riverayala was expected on Tuesday from Puerto Rico, for a FOUR DAY shoot.
True to form, as ALWAYS, -- my luck, or lack thereof, - came shining through, long before Cristobal arrived from the airport to pick me up.
We had planned several months in advance to finish his series "HUMAN NATURE" that we began shooting last year in Puerto Rico, but the weather turned bad and we had to wrap early.
Well, - for the entirety of his trip to North Carolina -- it was as dark as night all day every day - windy, raining, gloomy, - no sign of a sun in the sky. So our plans for the completion of our series, as well as many of the other concepts we had intended to shoot -- were crushed.
We were not able to accomplish much of ANY of the work we had set to do because of the horrible weather, -- but despite that, -- the FEW indoor conceptial shoots were successful and I will also be posting these throughout the upcoming week.
Naturally, - the day he is set to return to Puerto Rico, - this morning - we had to organize and pack - there was NO time whatsoever to attempt a shoot --and,
the sky was as clear and as blue as it could be.
Wonderful.
God really DOES hate me.
Yes. REALLY.

Overall, I am incredibly disappointed with both shoots, -- as the weather ruined much of our plans, caused many of the Levingston photographs to come out far too dark and shadowed, -- and destroyed over two thirds of the shoots planned with Riverayala, - as we were prevented by the rain and wind from even attempting to venture outside.
On T Day, - I wore a bathing suit with stiletto boots ( 47 degrees outside) with a fur scarf and matching gloves. All the passers-by looked at me as though I was insane. - And I don't blame them.
Surely, - I must be.
I haven't looked closely at these few images from this one and only concept we managed to shoot outdoors to see if any are of use, -- but I hope for braving the freezing wind and enduring the cold stares and akwardness of it all -- that it was worth it for at least ONE photograph..... For their sakes, - I could care less about myself.
We'll see.....
I will start posting the photos from these two photographers tonight, and throughout the week.
Please be kind --
I am already suicidal, and God hates me enough.
So,
If it all sucks, - well,
Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck It.

]]> *br0ken-heart HOME, BITTERSWEET HOME..... http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10766343/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10766343/ Sat, 18 Nov 2006 12:12:06 PST So while I was successful in organizing, configuring, and multitasking to aid and assist my manager in his endeavors and those for my management studios as a whole, - I accomplished precious little for myself during this time.
So my homecoming is lackluster, - especially considering I come home to an empty bed and a candle to light before a photograph of my beloved, and nothing more.....
Can anyone know what it is to be in love with a ghost?
To desire only to follow him in death?
To pray for your own demise, wish for your own ending?
To cling to burried treasure that can never be unearthed and held again?
The anniversary of his death has passed,
and the pain has not lessened, the agony of remaining behind has not dulled, the heart has not healed even the slightest bit, the soul is restless for all its suffering.....
I shall never know happiness, or peace again, so long as I must walk this tainted earth.

But the world doesn't stop for you to find your footing or to catch your breath -- and to survive, though I care not for life -- I must return to the world of the living to work.... and I do not do this for myself, - I do it only for the comfort and peace of mind for my family and those who care for me. I care nothing for the world or anything in it -- but I must sacrifice each day and endure the burden of perpetual suffering to spare those I love from feeling pain on my account.

So, - Dave Levingston and I have a shoot tomorrow morning, and I will post the results within the next two weeks. We are doing Fine Art Nudes, and Conceptual Photography over Sunday and Monday.
Following that, on Tuesday, photographer Cristobal Riverayala and I have a four day shoot starting Tuesday, where we will finish the HUMAN NATURE series, as well as fashion and editorial work. He is flying in from Puerto Rico Tuesday to meet me. Our work will also be posted within the next two to three weeks after review and editing.

Other than that -- I will be posting several new pieces this week, and can expect a few new works by skyggeTrone to contribute over the next week as well, - so check in, as there will be a progression in activity throughout December.

Thanks to those of you who are close to me, for your love and support, your compassion and tenderness.
Thanks to all of you for your sweet words and kind regards; they are quite dear to me.

Due to the circumstances that have befallen me, - I cannot bear to face the holidays, so I do not celebrate them any longer....

So I say in advance to you all,
Have a lovely Thanksgiving holiday.

]]> *br0ken-heart JIMINY CRICKET!!! http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10721282/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10721282/ Tue, 14 Nov 2006 09:18:55 PST Insomnia.

I had a shoot yesterday (finally I start shooting two weeks AFTER I have arrived in Atlanta; when I was only supposed to be here for seven days...) that last 12 hours.
For four looks.
The man is a great photographer.....
But because of MY LUCK, TRUE TO FORM - everything that could go wrong -- DID.
The previously scouted locations had either lost their foliage or were crowded or littered, studio set collapsed, severe lighting malfunctions..... and everything he picked out of my wardrobe and he planned concepts around -- he decided to change once I was in full dress and makeup..... so I had to wait for him to decide what he was going to do. Wait in excruciating contortions as he made adjustments. I left with raw scarlet kneecaps, unbearable cramps in my limbs.

UNFINISHED

]]> *br0ken-heart GIRL FRIDAY http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10696505/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10696505/ Sun, 12 Nov 2006 02:38:33 PST BEING GIRL FRIDAY all "growed up"-- different story.
I have been so busy with my role of servitude to my manager I am neglecting myself in falling to pieces in the process.
I would not call him ungrateful -- but he needs far more from me than I had anticipated; and I feel more a beast of burden than human now.
He is stretched, strapped, stressed and in the midst of chaos -- so I am cleaning up the path of destruction as personal assistant/ Merry Maid- and SELF DESTRUCTING at the same time.
I love him dearly; as he has been tremendously supportive and at times the only person who refused to give up on me while I planned my suicide as I suffer the unbearable aching of my dead Beloved daily...
But the combination of our personal conflicts and individual woes is toxic. We have fought nearly every day, exchanging harsh words, and then holding the other together with the last bit of strength left in us......
This was not what I expected when I came here --
Just so you know ---- this is the first time I have left my home, and gone back to work - in over a year - as my depression has crippled me in every way......
This was supposed to be HELPFUL to me (yea, that is what I was TOLD...)-- as I have been in suspended animation, barely breathing for the pain in my chest, these shards of glass - my broken heart, piercing my very soul.
But this "RESCUE" and "reintroduction to the world of the living" as it was eloquenty described----
it has only been to my detriment.
I cannot sleep, though I am mentally and physically exxhuasted... the excruciating pain in my body now devours me along with my misery as the anniversary of the day God struck me down with his wrath and hatred and snatched the life from my love has passed, and I cannot process my emotions, or mourn -- as I am expected to "GET OVER IT!" and am told there is NOTHING worng with me..... as though someone can feel MY feelings, wear this skin, carry this burden that is my own.....
Well - I have tried to play pretend, I can put on a plastic Barbie Doll smile and I can ACT like I am peachy, ---- but only for so long....
I have broken - I cannot ignore the gnawing pain, I can't fake it anymore...
I AM NOT OK.

I haven't shot ONCE the entire time I have been here -- and I have not even been given a date when I am going home......

As much as I hate my empty home and my empty bed,
I am desperate to return to the cold dark emptyness --
as it is familiar now, and compared to this --
COMFORT........ wrapped in sorrow.

I don't belong here and I can't take care of other people -- when I don't even care for myself - I haven't the strength left, or the will - not to be here - not to breathe.

Soon no master of Photoshop and no makeup will hide the scars......
soon the flesh they have been carved upon will feed the worms and and the dandelions in the Spring.

I need a morphine drip
numbness
tranquility
before I take the trip
and slip
away

]]> *br0ken-heart BLOODY HELL http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10684544/ http://br0ken-heart.deviantart.com/journal/10684544/ Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:17:51 PST I am playing Cinderella rather than modeling.....
and ready to blow my brains out.
What the hell am I doing here?

When do I get to go home?

I am ready to break , hanging by a mere thread that is about to snap.
I want to flee to the ominous dark of my bedroom and curl up next to the indentation where my beloved once laid beside me, and sleep forever.......

]]> *br0ken-heart