http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:chelebelle&section=today deviantART RSS for by:chelebelle en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 06 Dec 2009 00:23:41 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/13158441/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/13158441/ Thu, 31 May 2007 00:25:23 PDT Ciao!

]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/12507970/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/12507970/ Sun, 08 Apr 2007 09:46:17 PDT I can't beleive how much life changes. Holidays like this tend to get me reflecting on what the last one was like then all the things in between. I have had more hurt and love in the past year then ever before in my life, but right now.. things are okay. I miss my man more then I could ever possibly express, but at the same time we share a love that is so far beyond any I have ever known that this distance is just making us stronger.
So many friends have come and gone out of my life, each one of them helping and supporting and sometimes even pushing me to change into a better person.
So, here's my easter wish for all of you.
If you love someone and you're mad at them and for some reason not talking to them...
Let it go. You NEVER know what tommorow will bring. It could be too late before you or they stand up! So whether they were wrong or you were wrong, let go of your pride and find some peace in your life.
Afterall, this holiday is because Christ took on the sins of the world. He took the punishment and the blame for everyone.
We can all own up to a couple of people.

]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/8644925/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/8644925/ Mon, 01 May 2006 18:28:14 PDT
C’est la vie

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/8569538/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/8569538/ Mon, 24 Apr 2006 09:26:58 PDT
Wow, I keep thinking back to how my life was one year ago from now. The people I talk to, the things I do, even my attitude towards my job have changed so much. In a way, I have become so much more open minded.. but I have to wonder if I'm trading some of my morals in for what seems fun and exciting at the time. Time will tell, I can only hope regret does not follow.

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/8163721/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/8163721/ Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:26:19 PST
I don't know, it's kinda nice to have made it past a deviantart milestone, having both my userpage and one of my deviation's meet the 1000th view. I'm continually thankful for the people who continue to look at my random collection of deviation and offer thier critique's or praise. I am grateful to have found a community of artist that reach out through more then just thier personal works, but thier support of thier fellow patrons of art.

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7919824/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7919824/ Thu, 16 Feb 2006 19:49:43 PST
Where were you a year ago?

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7618646/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7618646/ Mon, 16 Jan 2006 09:18:05 PST
Friday night, I worked till ten. Susie picked me up and had my favorite jeans all ready to go. I pull them on going down the highway while she gets my lipgloss and stilettos out of my big silk 'going out' bag.
I walk into the bar, grab a beer from bartender Jim and sashay my way up to our corner. Almost everyone we normally hang out with is there.. minus the newly exed boyfriend, and his friends.
I hadn't even taken two sips from my beer when Lisa starts bitching about how Jeff's Clubhouse bartenders lack the knowledge to make her a smartie. Lucky for her, RBI's was just a few yards out the door, so off we headed, leaving my almost full drink on the table with warnings to Richard and stalker boy mark to keep it safe.
Then the fun is on. Why is ex not at Jeff's? He's at RBI's with the boys. Was he afraid of running into me? Too bad for him! I so sweetly ignored him, and before long his best friend and brother ignore him as well to come over and chat to me.
This is when I really started drinking. In honor of my singledom we were required to down at least 3 shots and a few beers!
Then back over to Jeff's we went. I really cannot say the exact order everything went in, but I do know at the time it was highly exciting, and now it's extremely embaressing.

Thera introduced me to Mike. Lisa, Kirsten, Julie, Thera and I sat at the top of the bar being lovely and glamorous, loudmouthed and ignorant.
My other friends - Richard, Mark, Lydia and Sue stayed a safe distance.
I'm not sure when the whole makeout session started...
I do know.
I know kirsten and Lisa were making out and fell on the floor.
Lisa and I were making out and fell on the floor.
Kirsten and I were making out and lapdancing Lisa at the same time.
Adriel and I were making out.
Then there were quite a few times were three or four of us were all kissing at the same time.
...
I took a boy home.
I didn't do anything with him.
He was naked in my bed.
and I looked at him.
and said..
I really don't want you here.
what?
Yea. You seriously need to leave.
oh. okay..
and he left.

So, I left my room in nothing but a South Carolina sweatshirt and woke up Kaytie to discuss my night over a joint and a coca-cola.

I am not going out for my normal monday night 'girls night'. I am probably not going out on Saturday night. I am now, after a series of too difficult to deal with events - finally ready to re-evaluate where my life has been lately.

It's a shame I had to be so fucked and stupid to look at it clearly, but at least I'm not getting more fucked up and stupid so I can ignore it, I'm taking the opportunity to change it.

I would very much like to thank my friends, especially those on devart that have watched me step through my various issues and offered me nothing but support and heartfelt hope for better days.

I love you all!!

Chele.

P.S. Was EXTREMELY awkward to see Lisa at work yesterday, but before I left we had gotten to the point where we could laugh about how completely dumb we are. I do fear things are a bit different at home for her considering both her and adriel openly fooled around with other people in front of each other, and that's not something they've done before.

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7562999/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7562999/ Tue, 10 Jan 2006 10:09:38 PST
My parents break up.
My parents get back together.
Or so we think.
He didn't even try.
The other woman was waiting for him when he left home.
He knew she was.
He didn't even try.
He told me all his dirty secrets that I had to keep hidden from my mother.
I cried myself to sleep with the burden my father layed on my shoulders.
and he asks me now, if I call him to gloat for finally confessing to my mom.
gloat?
Is that what he was doing before she found out?

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7558882/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7558882/ Mon, 09 Jan 2006 20:46:40 PST
I sleep in a bed full of clothes, my mind is too unfocused to pay heed to the task of putting them away. I stare at a corner for hours. The time I could be using to learn, paint, write, read - all things worthwhile, I am wasting in the most frivolous manner. In some ways I am proud of the person I have become. I feel as though I finally have a life. Life, love, work, play has never felt better on me. No one has a hold on me. In other ways I can't bear to see myself in the mirror.

I said I was better then this, I knew I was. I would not follow in the footsteps of my brother. I would not waste my life praying to the herbal high. I am smoking, drinking, and toking. I am eating shrooms. I am inhaling the most wonderful things in the world. What happened to the girl who preached against these things for so long? What happened to the guilt for doing these things?

I am in Kaytie's room at 10:30 every night. We smoke two bowls. I am gone. Always, always gone. Afraid to face Sue. Afraid to be alone in my room. There are ghosts all around me. I have not cut since I've been here. I am not afraid of anything. My blade rests in the same drawer it always has. My fingers trail across it every morning. It is a ghost.

Is there something else I should be doing? I feel like I have been asleep for a week. I don't recognize sober. I go through the motions, like I have before, but it isn't depression keeping my mind in a frozen state. It's this fog of numb. Sometimes I want to cut right through it. I wonder if I could remain straight for a day, would the exposure to the pain be worth the loss of numb.

I tell beautiful stories. They're all laughing. Adore my charm, adore my twelve-year-girl laugh. I am a socialite at her best. Will I care tommorow? My days are blending into one. My mornings are all spent abed, three year chloe at my side watching nickelodeon and my hair a mess, but which morning is which? Did I scream this morning or was that even two weeks ago? Did I break last night? Did I leave my lights on?

You cannot possibly imagine the effort required to type this. Something more important then taking care of my clothes. I hope I read this tommorow. I hope I can make ammends to this odd entry, not worth more then the clouded thoughts of a girl who smoked too much and needs and wake up call. I can be better then this.

I am ashamed to admit that I do not walk away from temptations like this, but that does not mean I am planning to stop. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7405514/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7405514/ Sat, 24 Dec 2005 16:53:57 PST
Hello Everyone, I hope everyone is enjoying themselves this season. I am at my parents house for the night and wanted to touch surface with everyone at least once before I head back home.
Things have been aboslutely insane!!
My mom went out to the bar with me last night, and my Dad was sitting there waiting for us...
We didn't really talk to him much and just went about our normal routine - playing darts, dancing stupidly, and me.. finding a million strangers and old friends to talk to and bond with.
Well.. My mom was playing darts with my friend, Mark..
and my Dad suddenly got very jealous!
So, now my parents are thinking about giving thier marriage one more shot!
On one hand, I'm happy about this, but on the other.. I am so afraid to see my mom get hurt again. I am so afraid that things will fall back into thier old routine.
But, I will sit silently and wait while praying that everything works out.
My new house is great. My room is pink!! I have a huge kitchen and dining room.
My two roommates are my good friends whom at this point I cannot see any possible problems with.
My one room mate, Kaytie has a three year old daughter named chloe who I adore and never stays out of my room..
I am struggling with depression still, cried myself to sleep like three nights ago.
It's mostly because I don't feel like I am going anywhere right now, just sort of spinning in circles waiting for things to happen, everyone keeps telling me that because I'm young that this is the time I shouldn't have to focus on getting ahead, getting ahead... but I can't help it. It's who I am.
I miss you all!! I hope you had/are having a wonderful holiday!
God Bless!!!!

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7237881/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7237881/ Tue, 06 Dec 2005 12:12:50 PST
I never expected to be living out of a motel, falling asleep each night to the sound of my best friend crying and the people next door fucking. I didn't anticipate sitting in a cramped shower stall at 3 am cutting so deep I passed out. I didn't expect my father to cheat on my mother, then get placed in the middle of it all. I didn't think I was going to be so upset when I found out Joh and Lex were together, and I never thought that I would pray for work to come just to have a chance to be free from all the buzzing in my head.

Johnny Q., God rest his soul.. told me how great it was that I knew who I was and I wasn't afraid to let the rest of the world see it.. but he only saw who I wanted to be in that moment. It's so easy to fake happiness, it's easy to pretend to be angry or sick.. but sometimes you pretend these things for so long, not even you know what is the truth anymore.

I'm going to be gone for awhile, kids.
Every day the search for a new apartment continues.
My best friend Sue, just left her boyfriend of almost seven years so she's in much the same situation housing wise.

I'm tired of pouring everything I have into other people, don't get me wrong it's a joy to be a friend to them.. but I truly need some time for me to do more then complain and bleed.

Here's something my mother wrote about her situation, that I think is beautiful and sad. Please read:

Life sucks, just when you think you know what you want, it throws something in your path.Your dreams are shattered, too much to even begin to put them together again. And then you are facing the unknown once again, with no one there for guidance along the way. Too old to really start over and yet more responsibilities then you care to handle. You would like to crawl in a deep dark hole and never come out again, but yet, you know that even that is impossible. People are all around you and yet again , you feel so very all alone. Questions, so many questions, but no one there to answer. One by one people are leaving you rather it be by death or just because they don't want to be around you any more. You thought you wouldn't care if you were on your own once again, but I guess too many years have gone by to relalize how painful that would be. How so alone you would be, no one to share things with, no one to tell things that you could never tell anyone else, no one to turn to when you need a little comfort. But when others are concerned, you have to put on a brave face and pretend, it's all ok, you can deal with it. After all how many times have you been told "oh, you're the strong one" or "God wouldn't give you anything you couldn"t handle". Do they really know how you feel inside, do they really care?Do they know that you are at the end of your rope with a very long fall ahead? Do they want to? But then again they can't help you, you are on your own. In the end it's your decision what to do, no one is going to help you, no one is going to tell you how, no one wants to. They just all smile and tell you it's for the best, and that you will get through it. They don't tell you what you know, that you feel like 24 years of your life was for nothing, that you thought that no matter how bad things got you would still have each other, that the only good thing that came out of those years were your children, and for them you have to go on. And for them you will put on a brave face and tell them everything is alright and that we will all get through this no matter what. Mel 11/30/2005

So guys, that's the D/L for now, check back in a week or so and I might HOPEFULLY have found a place and have the net back.

Joh, I miss you as my friend. I really, really could use the kind of support you give right now. I hope things with you are good/improving.

Bai lovers.
Chel

<3 ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7117930/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7117930/ Tue, 22 Nov 2005 20:08:20 PST
No one bothered to tell me I had a major typo in one of my more recentish deviations! It's moved to scraps. Lately.. I don't feel very inspired. No one needs to hear anymore about my broken heart and bloodied arms.

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7014299/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/7014299/ Fri, 11 Nov 2005 00:04:53 PST
Heylo Everyone! Let's see..
I am extremely pleased with the response to 'Dirty'
It's always a good to find SOMETHING positive in a bad experience.
Now.. I have a few reccomendations.
Please if you are a poetry fan: [link]
For My Photography Lovahz I've got two reccomendations:
[link]
[link]

I'm sure I'll have more later, I've met and befriended a lot of great talents lately. I am actually very proud to be a member of this site. I was so skeptical at first, nervous even when it came to posting things, but I have received so much support I'm astounded.

To everyone on my devwatch list: You kick ass!

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6986478/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6986478/ Tue, 08 Nov 2005 00:28:32 PST
Loads of stuff has been moved into my scraps section, mostly icons, devIDs and Screenshots... and most likely plenty more will be moved tommorow, so steal what you now!

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6937729/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6937729/ Wed, 02 Nov 2005 16:56:02 PST
I am starting to get pretty depressed about the situation on my IRC network. We were climbing up the stats fairly quickly, and then all of the sudden everything dropped and it seems impossible to get anywhere again. I've always fought issues of motivation with my staff, and the worst of it is.. I, myself find it hard lately to find any motivation for the place. As far as my own personal website goes.. I feel like I can't really do anything because I'm not very familar with PHP and if I get stuck I have to wait for Joh to come round before I can ask anything.. and with his net sucking right now, that's not what I want to take the time to discuss.

So, my dear friends, here's some blatant spam. Go check out the photoshop brushes on chelebelle.net or join me on my irc server at [link] in #wonderland and if you don't have an irc client just go to [link] and find the chat client

bye!

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6732801/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6732801/ Mon, 10 Oct 2005 17:42:39 PDT
All deviations of my sister, have been scrapped.

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6551547/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6551547/ Tue, 20 Sep 2005 02:44:58 PDT
Chelebelle.net is finally starting to come around. Pretty soon, I'll be able to put actual products in my store, add to my gallery..
but right now i'm just glad to have my brushes up.
even if im to lazy to validate thier existance.

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6506458/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6506458/ Wed, 14 Sep 2005 19:39:04 PDT
I hate asking questions. I feel kinda dumb, but then again, you never ask you never learn, right? I kinda prefer hands on learning tho.
whatev.

the lollychugas died. ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6181730/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6181730/ Tue, 09 Aug 2005 19:26:59 PDT It's totally my fault, right? ]]> ~chelebelle http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6154412/ http://chelebelle.deviantart.com/journal/6154412/ Sat, 06 Aug 2005 23:06:27 PDT Some things, I don't mind showing off about myself.
I have a way with hair, I'm a great salesperson, my short stories are decent..
but as far as my true poetry, my sketches...
I am so afraid of what people are going to say, those things are private to me. I don't show them, I don't ask for judgement.
i'm still not sure why i have now. ]]> ~chelebelle