http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:cherryliqueurs&section=today deviantART RSS for by:cherryliqueurs en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 22 Dec 2009 00:39:10 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/27683879/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/27683879/ Sat, 10 Oct 2009 09:20:05 PDT
]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/25554960/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/25554960/ Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:43:57 PDT
Till then.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/23993481/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/23993481/ Tue, 31 Mar 2009 20:02:15 PDT 2. I need to lose some weight.
3. I wish the sky would eat me up.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/23212382/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/23212382/ Sun, 15 Feb 2009 09:11:39 PST
Eyes Set To Kill, I love.

And someone I know needs to shut the fuck up and mind his/her own business.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/22367596/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/22367596/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 05:03:21 PST 2. painting with blood
3. insecure, insecure, insecure

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/22201674/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/22201674/ Thu, 25 Dec 2008 23:20:17 PST
]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/21875363/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/21875363/ Mon, 08 Dec 2008 01:58:53 PST
But you try to hold onto it, you try to bring it back, you try to make things feel the same but deep inside, you know it isn't going to work.

So, why try?

How did we get here,
I think I know.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20682632/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20682632/ Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:12:32 PDT
i'm at the very edge of losing my sanity. if anything, my condition has gotten worse. i have lots of mood swings and suicidal tendencies.

it's very likely that i'm suffering from borderline personality disorder. the thing is, i haven't been diagnosed yet. i never knew i was in such a bad state. in fact, i still don't.

i'm just tired of fucking up my relationships with the people around me and being so suicidal and pessimistic all the time.

when night falls, god, how i wish i were dead. my demons love to come out to play at night. especially if it's the time of the month. it gets so bad, i feel i can't breathe properly.

i feel if i don't hold back and start crying for real, i'm never going to stop crying.

i'm tired of talking about my problems. they sound so petty, so minor, so common. my past may not be common, but right now i feel like i'm just wallowing in fucking self-pity.

i feel torn because i don't know if i'm fucked enough to seek professional help but i do know that i can't continue living like this because i feel like i'm dying everyday.

i'm not sure who or what i am anymore. i am just a fragment of my past and the relationships i have with people. there doesn't seem to be a definite 'me'.

i can't seek professional help unless i get it for free or for a small sum because the father has retired. money issues is the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists to get into hospital. i'd love that. sometime to myself finally. a real break.

but i can't. so i'm really at a loss of what to do now.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20527276/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20527276/ Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:44:24 PDT Introduction to Voice - 2 - A
Applied Drama - 3 - A
Critical Reasoning Skills - 2 - A
Introduction to Psychology - 3 - B
Creative Communication - 2 - B
Devised Drama - 3 - B
Pedagogy and Classroom Management - 2 - B+
Introduction to Social Psychology - 3 - B+
Fundamental Behavioral Statistics - 2 - D+

SEMESTER GPA: 3.38

stupid statistics. if there's one thing that has never changed, it's that i suck a lot at math.

i'll have to do better in the next few semesters for the next two and a half years.

i need to get into university, somehow.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20466051/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20466051/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 05:05:17 PDT
i wish i could get an underoath golden pass, which entitles you to lifetime access to all underoath concerts.

i think there are people out there who deserve it more though.

'lost in the sound of separation' isn't even available in singapore right now.

@#*&@*(#&@*&$

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20295285/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20295285/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:34:09 PDT [link]
i cried my eyes out from watching this.

it speaks a lot.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20159910/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20159910/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:12:54 PDT haircut. horrible.

now it's going to take me a few months to grow my hair out again. i told the woman to layer it. she literally chopped most of it off.

i'm spacing out and i have my intro to social psychology paper tomorrow ):

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20102619/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/20102619/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 19:53:17 PDT
i've been better. and school is good. i really enjoy learning concepts of psychology and the theories of applied drama.

we do really interesting stuff like all the different forms of theatre such as playback theatre, forum theatre etc. it's the kinda drama you use to conduct workshops to like, reach out to any age group with a certain issue in mind.

when we graduate, we can go either way. the psychology path, or the drama path. i still stick to psychology because that's my main reason for being there. but i've learnt that i enjoy doing applied drama as well. so it's pretty cool ;D

it's exams now and i have three more papers before a five week long holiday, so hurray for that.

been learning to scream with a friend (:
it's been fun.

hope everyone who reads this is doing good as well.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/19250416/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/19250416/ Mon, 07 Jul 2008 09:00:25 PDT
been real busy at school.
sorry.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/18925418/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/18925418/ Thu, 19 Jun 2008 07:34:43 PDT
i've been very aggressive lately.
very.
i'm updating just to say i'm alive.
and i did design something, but i didn't take a picture of it.

a friend of mine got into a car accident,
and i really hope he's fine.
his sister is in a pretty bad state and he doesn't know about it.

life at home is fuck.
my house is not a home.

but i'm fine.
i haven't touched my penknife for about,
three weeks now.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/18443537/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/18443537/ Thu, 22 May 2008 07:45:08 PDT i'm so busy these days.
applied drama & psychology is AWESOME.
but the workload is a killer.
and my mind has been screwing with itself even more than ever, LOL.
i will draw, damn it.
or at least, write something.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17988142/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17988142/ Wed, 23 Apr 2008 07:47:39 PDT i AM drawing, but i can't submit anything yet, not anytime soon.
the applied drama & psych modules are good.
the people .. are a different story.
maybe it's because we're all fresh out of secondary school.
still, it's time to fucking grow up.

other than that,
life's the same.
maybe, one day, i'll be able to psycho y'all.

cheerfuckingrios.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17824188/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17824188/ Sun, 13 Apr 2008 01:14:47 PDT how th hell do you reduce the stretch of your tongue hole?
i've played with my barbell too much.
so now the top part of my tongue hole has stretched a little, and i don't like it.
the bottom of the hole is tight and just fitting but the top part of the hole is slightly stretched ):
i don't wanna remove the piercing.
does anybody know what i can do?

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17810299/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17810299/ Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:31:09 PDT anyway, i cut myself deep yesterday.
it's amazing how you can turn the pain off and not realise how deep you get till you register that you're being totally reckless.
it got me really scared for the first time and i took quite a while to stop the bleeding.
well, fuck it.

school's starting.
joy.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17694242/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17694242/ Sat, 05 Apr 2008 06:11:54 PDT tried a bit of song writing and composing there.
never finished a single one.
lol.
the trip was kinda to relax a little before poly started with two of my good/best friends.
i don't believe in best friends.
sooo, now that i'm back, i'll see what i can do.
i apologize if i take a little longer to reply to certain comments.

cheeerios.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17435856/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17435856/ Fri, 21 Mar 2008 01:19:28 PDT
and i promise i'll try to submit deviations asap.
life is moving waaaay too fast now.
but i won't abandon this.
promise (:

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17322218/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17322218/ Thu, 13 Mar 2008 19:39:53 PDT so, lately, all i've done was hope for something different.
it's as if i get sick of hanging around with the same people all the time.
even if i really like them and all.
i guess that's what happens when someone you thought could actually change your life does change it for a really short period of time before you realise, this isn't going to work, at all.

so, enrolling in a polytechnic is so hectic and annoying.
there are many stations to go through, and they try to coax you to join all their activities and camps by blocking out alternate paths so you have to pass through all of them.
i got so pissed off that i just said, sorry i need the toilet, let me through.
so i did get through, only to wait four hours just to collect my new labtop.
because they had to configure it to the poly's network, or something.
my admission number had some problem because the course i was in was new so they didn't recognize it.
i demanded a change of labtop twice because i wasn't comfortable with the first, and the second one they brought out, the w key was half way out.
the most ridiculous part was that th one with the defect was taken out from the sealed box right in front of my eyes.
brand new with a defect.

can't complain anymore.
i like my new labtop.
but i'm not like updating from there.
still haven't got a router to connect it to my home's network connection.

so that's about it.
will go for a holiday in medan with two of my friends on the twenty fifth and when we get back, school's gonna start.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17230100/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17230100/ Fri, 07 Mar 2008 19:16:26 PST that's all, lol.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17185246/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17185246/ Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:45:25 PST
don't laugh, HAHAHA.
i know how to skateboard, i just can't make sharp turns.
anyway singapore isn't a nice to place to skateboard in.
we only have like one skateboarding park with everything you need to do tricks in.
personally, i think that's the nicest part of singapore, lol.

so darren gave me a plain white deck.
and i'm gna use a permanent marker to draw all over it.
will post a picture of it up when i'm done.
it'll take quite a long time, i suppose.

i wasn't serious about skateboarding, lol.
that's what i thought initially.
but i made a bet. that if i got into singapore poly, i'd join the skateboard club.
so there you have it.

lol, IN MY FACE.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17155655/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17155655/ Sun, 02 Mar 2008 20:03:41 PST i know i'm updating real late, lol.
he's been on the run like for four/five days?
mas selamat bin kastari, the leader of the jemah islamiyah network in singapore who wanted to bomb one of our mrt stations where there were many caucasians, and drive seven lorries to different parts of singapore to bomb AND targetted buildings such as the various embassies and ministry of education building.

singaporeans are being all _______ about it.
i'm not sure what the word is, lol.
it's just so fucking stupid.
singaporeans are probably really, really scared.
even i don't feel at ease.
but i guess that's normal.
when your country is supposedly safe, and something like that happens, doh, you freak.
he escaped with a limping leg?! that's what i find utterly ridiculous.
it's been so many days, he probably left singapore alr.
just as well, get the hell out of here.

there are so many wanted posters of him everywhere, i practically memorized what it says.
it says something like,
if you've seen this man, call 999.
mas selemat bin kastari
(two photos of him, one clean shaven, the other with stubble)
mas selamat bin kastari is the leader of the ji (jemah islamiyah) network in singapore and is currently at large.
he escaped from the whitley road detention centre at 4.05pm on 28th february.
he walks with a limp at his left leg and is not known to be armed.
please be reminded that rendering assistance to him is a grave offence.

okay, i know i got all the keywords there.
hell, please catch him fast.

so much for safe singapore.
some twisted part of me wants to laugh at this, but well, i'm living here and it IS scary, lol.

life has been stagnant, is that the right word?
i'm just not feeling much.
i have shitty people in my course.
they're either too smart, or they don't even wanna be there.
i haven't started school, but i know alr.

time to brace myself.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17097662/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17097662/ Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:49:32 PST Your JAE Appeal result is: S43 Applied Drama and Psychology

yes yes yes

now it's time to go have fun
before poly starts like in april

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17069536/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17069536/ Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:20:29 PST god, that was funny.
it fell one level down in a shopping mall.
believe it or not, i found it, washed it well and screwed it back on.

honestly, if piercing was free, i'd do it for th sake of doing it and remove it after that.
like for my lips.
so i guess i won't pierce them anytime soon since my mom will kill me.
she doesn't know about the tongue yet anyway.

that was kinda what was circling around in my head today.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17037128/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17037128/ Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:07:41 PST i just wanna wake up in hospital,
and look at life in a different way.
maybe i'll have the courage to cut deeper one day.

finally submitted something i drew.
i hate drawing on white paper.
gotta do something more.

gonna get tongue studs acrylic barbells tomorrow.
i had this pill one, which made me slur, so it's kinda stupid of me to have bought it.

i've been really, really moody lately.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17001886/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/17001886/ Thu, 21 Feb 2008 23:38:14 PST
results of the appeal come out in a week,
and i couldn't be bothered for now.
my head hurts and it's spinning like fuck.
hahaha.
does anyone think it's possible to get high on chocolate.
god, it gets nauseating (if there's such a word) after a while.

i feel like throwing up,
and i don't know why.

hahaha.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16971844/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16971844/ Wed, 20 Feb 2008 04:22:31 PST compared to other people.

i can't really place this feeling.
what i want, what people want, what God wants.
it's unlike me to think in such a way.
but this time, there are like a hell lot of factors to consider.

everyone's going separate ways.
who will stay by my side.
who's side will i stay by.

life never gives anyone a break.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16949462/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16949462/ Mon, 18 Feb 2008 16:32:08 PST so moe (ministry of education) text messaged us our posting results at various times.
i got mine at 604am.
and i couldn't sleep after that.
i didn't get into psychology, lol.
i got into early childhood education.
HAHA.
it's quite hilarious.
we have twelve choices
so my choices were like this.
1. diploma in psychology and community services
2. diploma in drama and psychology
3. diploma in human resource management with psychology
4. diploma in early childhood education
5. diploma in creative media design
6. diploma in games design & development
7. diploma in business studies
8. diploma in business administration
9. diploma in interior design
10. diploma in visual communication
11. diploma in apparel design and merchandising
12. diploma in optometry

right.
i actually remembered all twelve, lol.
so i got rejected from the psychology courses.
those smart ass people who have really good results and can get into junior colleges probably took up all the spaces there.
in a way however, i'm happy i didn't get into human resource management with psych. because i can't really pursue psych after that.
for early childhood, it's linked to psychology and i can actually further my studies in australia apparently, after the three year course.

i was disappointed when i received the text.
but i got over it and felt at peace since i alr told God to put me where ever he wants to put me.
early childhood education is like, learning about how childrens minds work.
and we have attachments to childcare centres.
i think it'll be good.

quite a few of my friends are going to the same poly as i am.
we have like five polytechnics in singapore.
all twelve of my choices come from three of the polys only.
because i didn't consider the other two.
so the three polys i considered were singapore poly, ngee ann poly and temasek poly.
i had seven choices from singapore poly, three from ngee ann and two from temasek.
i got into ngee ann, lol.
well, there's only one early childhood education course in singapore.
so i suppose that's special.

little children.
i like little children.
but like, i hope i'm able to put my emotions on the line.
well the next three years are going to be life changing.
and it's gonna forge my career path.

somehow, one way or another,
i believe i'm going impact lives in future.
that's the whole reason why i wanted to enter psychology anyway.

this is a really optimistic post.
it's getting a bit retarded, lol.

but, i guess i'm just satisfied.

(edit)
change of plans.
i'm appealing for drama & psychology because i qualified for it, and it was my second choice.
yet, i didn't get in.
so i've submitted the appeal.
crossing my fingers now.
(/edit)

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16923840/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16923840/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:18:42 PST away from the people you knew.
you will benefit from it personally.
however, in terms of company,
you'll feel lonely because you'll miss everyone you have back home.

stay on,
and you won't be lacking in the area of friends and company.
but despite everything you have,
you're ready to scream because everything feels so messed up.
there are people who care for you,
but for some reason, you just can't let that frustration out.
you need to get away.
far, far away.

either way,
you're lonely.

right now,
i don't really want to do anything with my life.
i kinda want to just rot away and die, lol.
like, seriously.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16905778/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16905778/ Sat, 16 Feb 2008 06:20:59 PST
okay.
i just had to do that.
to brittany,
I'M STILL HERE
how about YOU?
how are you?
hahahahaha.

it's been torture without the computer.
my mind has been racing with insane thoughts.
otherwise, i'm pretty fine.

and i promise i'll do more deviations.
my posting results are coming out in like two days.
like with regard to which course i'm going to get into.

alright, i'm done here for now.
i've gotta summarize the past week and more on my blog.
so till then, toodles.

and i miss everyone here
everyone i know here, that is.
i swear, from the bottom of my heart.

cheerios!

(edit)
okay, since i'm back from whatever i went out for, hours later..
i shall post more about the duration while i was absent from here.
i had a sleepover/pj party, a really sumptious meal as a form of celebration for the good results.
wait, i had many good meals.
i'm gna fucking grow fat.
i got sunburned and my back hurt like hell for like, four days.
and i'm browner/tanner now.
chinese new year came and went.
i hate going visiting.
sometimes it's really suffocating to be at such close proximity with your entire family.
i've been thinking about cutting lately.
it's been racing back and forth in my head.
the thought of it never leaves.
i wanted to draw something during a church service today.
in the end, i left like five mins into the service because i just didn't feel like sitting through it anymore.
okay, that's all.
bye.
OH BEFORE I FORGET.
thank you for a thousand pageviews while i was away?
should i draw something that says 'thank you for a thousand pageviews'?
if anyone wants me to, i'll do it.
okay, bye again.
(/edit)

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16653479/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16653479/ Thu, 31 Jan 2008 03:47:12 PST the future doesn't look dull, but it's uncertain.

life is moving on fine.
i wish my dad would srsly go seek proper help for his alcoholic addiction.
just because i don't say anything doesn't mean i'm oblivious or okay with it.

and i've realised that it doesn't hurt to let go and move on from a certain friend, whom i used to be too dependent on.

i wanna get the resident evil game for the nintendo wii, hahaha.
random.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16546847/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16546847/ Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:48:34 PST
English - A2
and i wrote out of point, for both essay & letter writing.
Chinese - B4
okay. since i always flunked that.
Math - B4
i passed math for the first time in five years.
Science - A1
the teachers told me not to tell anyone schooling about it or they'd think they can be like me. slack and get an a1. they couldn't believe it themselves.
Combined Humanities - A1
this is by God's grace too, i guess. because what i studied for social studies didn't come out and i just threw shit down.
Food & Nutrition - C5
that's a disappointment. my coursework, which was like 50%, was an a1. so for me to get a C5, i must have screwed my theory up really badly. and th teachers had been counting on me to be the first to get a distinction in this particular subject in years.

whatever it is.
this is more than a miracle.
and with this, i'm eligible for good poly courses.
psychology, please take me.
i have four days to apply before it closes at 12 on the 28th of january.

i don't know how i did it.
but i pulled it off.
and i don't know how to console my friends, who didn't do so well.
because somehow, i don't really deserve my grades since i've never been consistent, neither did i hardcore studied my way through.
i put in effort this time.
i wish i could console them.
because i know what it's like to fail.
i got laterally transferred from the four year course to the five year course and was last in the entire level in 2005.
so, yeh.
but it was for the best.
and i've always tried my best to believe that God will never put me through something i cannot handle.

to all those who believed i could do it,
you were right.
thank you.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16532211/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16532211/ Wed, 23 Jan 2008 06:03:54 PST two pm.
school.

i don't think i'll have the guts to meet any of the teachers' eyes when i step into school.
i'm afraid of what i'll see.
because they'll know our results by 8am.

my mood was totally fucked today when i went out.
i was horribly cranky and black faced.
besides, i didn't sleep well last night.

if i do well, i'll be spoilt for choices.
if i fuck up, it's the end?

i just don't know.
it's so stupid to be so freaked out over this.

screw it.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16499676/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16499676/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:32:27 PST See this.
[link]

Like, fuck.
I'm not sure HOW I'm supposed to be feeling.
Maybe it's because academic qualifications in Singapore are like really important, or I really wouldn't give a flying fuck.
My friends are freaking out now.
I, on the other hand, feel strangely calm.
It's not that I feel like I'm gonna do well or that I'm gonna fuck it up bad.
It's just that, I freaked out when everyone did not straight after the exams.
Being cooped up at home made my mind revolve around the O levels and school only.
In fact, the O levels and school appeared in my dreams like 90% of the time.
Yeh, what the fuck right.
Hahahaha.

Lately, or to be more precise, about two to three weeks ago, I got over it.
Now, I feel uneasy.
I feel uneasy because I'm not freaking out.
But I'll probably freak during the next two days and on the morning itself.

I joked about it, that I would just sit on the toilet bowl the entire night before the day of the release because I'd be sooooo scared I'll just be peeing the night away.
Maybe it won't be a joke, lol.

Maybe I should just freak out with everyone so that I'll feel better instead of being so damn calm about it, when the truth is, I AM scared shitless.
Just that I can't really express it because I buried that feeling weeks ago.

If I really don't do well, I'm not sure what I'll do.
It'll just hit me really hard in the face.
Even if I do do well in majority of the subs, as long as I fail Math, I can't go anywhere.
Bitch of a education system we have here.
But, if not for that, I'll probably be sweeping roads and cleaning toilets in future, so I shouldn't complain.
At least I was forced to study for my survival in future.

I'm still ticked off about transport fares.
They're taking a big chunk out of my pocket money.
So, I really need a job x_x

Crossing my fingers.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16484695/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16484695/ Sun, 20 Jan 2008 04:32:57 PST it's not an event - it's a process
forgiveness happens while you're asleep, while you're dreaming,
while you're in line at the coffee shop, while you're showering,
while you're eating, farting
it happens in the back of your mind
and then one day you realize that you don't hate the person anymore,
that your anger has gone away somewhere
and you understand
you've forgiven them
you don't know how or why
it sneaked up on you
it happened in the small spaces between thoughts and the seconds between ideas and blinks
that's where forgiveness happens
because anger and hatred, when left unfed,
bleed away like air from a punctured tire, over time and days and years
forgiveness is stealth
at least, that's what i hope

taken from boy toy, by barry lyga.
pretty good book.

so, i spent the night out with tanny.
i'm fucking tired now, but i don't think i can sleep, and i don't think i want to sleep.
i figured it's alright to dwell in my shittiness for now and allow my anger towards a few individuals to rise and reach boiling point since i'm pretty close to snapping.
moreover, i'm pmsing since my period came like two nights ago at 430am, or rather, i was alr pmsing before that.
it's your lucky day, fuckers.

anyway, i had that backpack with me, and i carried a small pillow when i left my house.
i sure looked like i was running away from home because many people stared.
surprisingly, tanny and i weren't stopped by any police on patrol for wandering teenagers at night.
HAHAHA.

i'll definitely fall asleep tonight.
hooray for that (:

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16465219/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16465219/ Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:43:21 PST It was pretty sad watching Aiwee fly off last night.
Her clique, the AxeRedStar and her classmates all turned up.
Nobody knew that she alr knew that she was going to fly off like three years ago.
Whether it was a good or bad thing that she kept it from everyone, I still do not know.
However, another friend of mine told me something.
She said that Daniel(Aiwee's boyfriend) still chose to love her despite the fact that he knew that she was going to leave in the end.
So what else can we say?
What's going to happen next are going to be major turning points in our lives, depending on where we all go.
At seventeen, it's okay not to know what you wanna do in future.
But at the same time, it's fucking confusing and it's a bitch to think about it.

Anyway, I'm gonna have dinner with a friend, then spending the entire night out with Darren, just talking and doing whatever the hell we like while the majority of Singapore's population is asleep.
He's flying off to Australia in a week for a month.
I can see many things that are like on their way to slam me in my face, but there's nothing much I can do to stop any of it.

When this happens, there's only one person I can turn to.
God.
So, can You hear me now?

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16441358/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16441358/ Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:14:43 PST and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it

should've done something but i've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it


i don't know why i feel like posting the lyrics from blue & yellow, but i do.
my school uniform is blue & yellow btw, but that's irrelevant.

i'll be going to the airport tomorrow.
a friend of mine is flying off to australia to study.
):
all the smart people get to go overseas where they don't need their results for enrolment there, whereas dumb people like me have to stay in singapore and use my results to go SOMEWHERE when my results are probably gonna be shitty.
it's pretty funny actually.
but well, we're playing the game of LIFE.
so, what's new?

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16427495/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16427495/ Wed, 16 Jan 2008 06:01:14 PST because i'm no longer in school.
which means more expensive bus fares, which i swear, is A LOT.
everything is increasing here.
bus fares, cab fares.
another reason to get out of singapore.

and, having a tongue stud is like sucking on a sweet that never dissolves, lol.
it's pretty fun.
but sometimes you can forget, and attempt to spit it out, which is really stupid.

my results are going to be out like, this coming monday or friday.
*screams*

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16412359/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16412359/ Tue, 15 Jan 2008 03:46:45 PST how joyful it all sounds as the words leave my lips
pretending to be oblivious, we embrace the moment
and try to convince ourselves that everything will be wonderful someday

when it's all just a
big
fat
lie.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16399145/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16399145/ Mon, 14 Jan 2008 07:44:23 PST
Watching the planes take off as we spoke of the future
Do you know that I've never spoken that way with any other
I know now why people stand for hours staring into the dark space where the planes take a break from the long hours in the sky
The night scene looks so beautiful
So beautiful that it almost looks fake
But the reason has nothing to do with the never ending sky
It has everything to do with the secret longing in the hearts of those watching the planes fly sky high as they wish deep within themselves that they too can leave this place and everything else behind
This is why we spoke of the future at that very place

I came up with that because I wanted to describe how my evening went at the airport.
Day out with Darren & Alexis again.
We went to Laselle, the art school, and I realised that, I don't want to go to THAT art school.
I'm not sure if I want to try out for art school actually.
I'm not even sure what I want anymore

All I know is that, the future looks really dull as long as I don't find a way out of here.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16368697/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16368697/ Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:55:35 PST something i forgot.
i wonder if the judge even knew about it.
the bastard's lawyer offered me two thousand bucks to drop the case early last year.
like everyone says, if he's innocent, why would he do that.
and you know what, DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WHORE TO YOU.
i would have pressed charges no matter how much money you offered.
you want a whore? go FUCK a whore.
fancy having such a great wife, and yet committing such an audacious act.
even whores earn more than two thousand a night, bastard.
do i look that cheap and STUPID to you.
you're the stupid one.
because you lost in the end.
and you will burn in hell over and over again as your flesh peels off slowly and the pain goes deep into your skin and mind and you can recall how you lied while you were alive and got away with molesting me thinking that everything would be just fine, not realising that when you die, you're gonna burn for eternity.
there is a God, and He saw everything.
the world thinks i'm a liar? whatever.
at least i have a conscience and i know i don't make up stories.
it disgusts me horribly that the bastard would actually use his daughter's death to gain sympathy as well. denying it was wrong, then i get humiliated. and the 'truth' has been brought to light?
what the truth really is, everyone will see one day.
and i wonder how your daughter feels about her father lying to cover up for his atrocious crime.
i have no idea how people like that can sleep at night.

still ranting my head off.

anyway, i don't regret reading that bullshit article yesterday even though it fucked my mood up so bad.
because, if i had been depressed when i read it, i would have cut.
God allowed the article to be published during the period of time when i had never been so happy for such a long time, and i could handle it with the help of darren and alexis.
so yes, i believe in Him.
as long as i start seeing things in a more positive way, everything becomes clear.

happy seven days of alien friendship, alientannie.
yes, i always feel like i've known you forever (:
thanks for the slice of cake cake.
thanks for the cupcakes.
thanks for playing gunbound with me.
thanks for going with me to pierce my tongue.
thanks for having great meals with me.
thanks for listening to the same music as me.
thanks for going out with me for five days out of the seven days that we knew each other.
and thanks for whatever that i'm unable to say about today.
you know what i mean.
and thank you for walking into my life, and making the past week so fawesome.

day out with socky tomorrow!
laselle on monday with alexis & darrenietanniewanniepoo.
HAHAHA.

i'm a happy girl.
and as pissed and humiliated as i am, i STILL win at the end of the day.
just understand that it's only normal for me to be pissed at certain times for now.

because i know, God has always been watching me, and He always will.
and i believe that He will protect me, and the ones i care about.
and that He'll never put me through something i cannot handle.

meet holy charlene.
(:
cheerios.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16355804/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16355804/ Fri, 11 Jan 2008 10:30:33 PST for more info, read 'She' in my gallery.

here's what i'd like to say.
i am done with the past.
oh yes, the incident destroyed my life,
made me do all sorts of self destructive things and caused me to fuck myself up even more.
but, seriously, i WIN.
this whole incident never affected me during my o level period, by God's grace.
so the article was front page on the new paper and occupied the first two pages.
and sadly, i cried like once in front of alientannie and alexis after i read it.
i thought it would be alright, but i guess it wasn't.
the article was biased, and it humiliated me.
it left out all details from my side, and i cannot believe that even the judge sided him.
he said that if someone was molested, why she would have the guts to go back and be in close proximity with the guy?
because my friend was there, and i had to bring her away.
that's your answer.
and it was also because i was not in the right state of mind.
i was fourteen.
if you were molested at fourteen, you tell me what YOU'LL do.
and nobody even bothered to cut me some slack.
this isn't gonna be a self pity post.
the article criticized me, indirectly called me an ill-bred and vulgar person who hated school.
it was right. i was that way when i was fourteen.
but it never gave me any reason to lie.
i am appalled that the reporter would actually merge both the case where his daughter drowned with the molest case.
so you earn more money that way? well, i hope you burn in hell for that.
the little details were all left out and i sounded like a liar alright.
one sided article.
in the end, it's pretty obvious that he became the victim instead, because his daughter drowned, and that i was such a fucker to actually put him through the humiliation of going through court.
whatever it is, i'm glad he lost twenty students, and that his former students don't even look him in the eye.
because, i've made sure that he will never dare lay his filthy hands on another girl again.
i'm sorry that anna had to see her father go away in handcuffs.
but if he dared to lay his filthy hands on me, why not on his own daughter.
i'm sorry that i caused his wife so much pain and that it's alright if she chooses to stand on his side, because that's only normal.
i was so hurt that i lost the case first, and then now, i'm humiliated.
honestly, the focus wasn't even on my molest case anymore. it was on his daughter's drowning and how pitiful he was to have to suffer the loss of his daughter and supposedly be accused by some attention seeking girl who supposedly wanted to accuse him of molest for, no apparent reason?
the focus has been lost all along, and for that, everyone who made it that way should get fucked up and die.
so right now, right now, the world thinks i'm a liar.
the people who know me believe me (and i'm so thankful for that).
the two people who knows what really happened that day, is me, and you, andrew.
but there was someone else watching too.
God was watching.
so you got away this time, and i'm done with feeling sorry for myself and being angry with you about it.
if anything, i have found people who genuinely care for me and i have grown stronger.
at the end of the day, when you die, and you come face to face with God,
we'll see what you have to say.
nobody runs away from anything forever.
i really hope you burn in hell.
but i have enough compassion to forgive you if you ever come forward and admit what you did to me.
you're right. the one thing that you said in the article that was absolutely correct was this,
that you won but you lost.
as for me, i lost, but i won.
i never cut myself even after i was told i lost the case.
today i cried, it hurt. but i didn't cut myself either.
i've learned that it's okay to be angry with you, instead of being angry with myself.
what you have done to me, is so insiginificant right now that i'm not even going to cut over it.
because that's what you probably want.
and you're not going to have it.
you're not going to ruin my life any further.
and this ends here.
i sincerely hope i pass my o level math as well.
and from your sources, you'd probably find out about it, and i hope it pisses you off.
you have weird sources anyway.
i never needed a tuition teacher, bastard.
i was smart on my own.
you never saw that.
and you never saw me going to the police about you.
i would never fabricate a lie because i trusted you, and you knew that, but you took advantage of it.
so, i hope you burn in hell.
i pray God has mercy on you.

i had a wonderful day.
my life has b... ]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16334538/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16334538/ Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:55:25 PST So, I pierced it, and it really wasn't a big deal.
Just that I had a couple of people who were pretty against it, but I went with DarrenieTannie so of course I did it.
My 'last meal' was Mac, because they had twister fries.
My stomach feels shitty now, and I'm glad I wasn't so hyped up about it.
The lady who pierced it was really pretty and nice, and I'm glad I let her do it.
When the needle goes through, you feel a sharp pain, and that's it.
Then you can't control your tongue much, but now the hole seems to be loosening up a bit so I can move my stud around more.
Butttt, I think it'll swell tonight, AND I nearly ripped the whole thing out when I tried to bring out my whole tongue.
Currently, I'm unable to stretch out my tongue, lol.
But my speech isn't really affected. I just slur a bit.
So people, go get your tongue pierced if your vein isn't central and if the web under your tongue doesn't stretch to the edge.
It's pretty cool.
And now, I'm bored with my life again.
(/edit)

Hahaha, I'm not high.
But it's probably the closest to how I'm feeling.
At the same time, I'm not really feeling anything.
I'm not happy, I'm not sad.
I'm not scared, I'm not excited either.
Tsk.

I fell asleep without much difficulty last night even though I didn't take any pills. Maybe it's because there has been a slight increase of serotonin in my brain. Wait, more serotonin is better right, or is it the other way round.

My counsellor told me that I had to train my body to eject more happy chemicals instead, unless I seriously wanted to go onto real meds, and as tempting as that is, you're never gonna be able to feel alright again, and I kinda know that.

Apology by Alesana is so sad and tragic sounding.
Put it on repeat for a few hours and you CAN kill yourself.
I'm just not dead yet because there's nobody I need to get over, lol.

I'll update on the piercing process tonight.
I hope I can actually pierce it.
I mean, what if my tongue can't be pierced, lol.
But I suppose I should be able to, since the veins on my tongue run parallel.
Still, maybe there's a hidden vein.
Hahahaha.

(:

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16311054/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16311054/ Tue, 08 Jan 2008 04:59:53 PST My brain needs to shut the fuck up.

Why is it that something always feels wrong when nothing is really wrong.
It's either I'm really dissatisfied with things or there really is something fucking wrong.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16276676/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16276676/ Sat, 05 Jan 2008 20:36:09 PST So what's killing you,
Is it the demon inside?
Look out, you're turning blue
A suffocating lie
You're all I've got

Bliss by Aiden is <3

I'm going to do my tongue on Thursday, as I've mentioned before, and Darren, the self-proclaimed genius is going to bring me to do it.
Yay.
Hahahaha.
And maybe, we'll look for jobs at Queensway, even though that's like pretty impossible.

If there's one thing I wanna learn while I'm still alive, it's to know how to save a life.
Ooo, it rhymes.
Think it's easy? Think again.
Bringing life back to someone who's alr dead inside is no easy feat.
But I'd do anything to be able to do that, because I know what it's like to be dead on the inside.
It's an awful feeling and nobody should have to go through it.

That aside, there's something else that has been going round in my head.
I don't suppose I should say it.
Not now, anyway.

I'll be going back to school tomorrow.
Mhmm.

It's time to move on.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16260735/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16260735/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 19:32:50 PST last night, my dreams were in a whole mess again.
it's probably the pills.
if i don't take pills, i can't sleep.
if i take pills, i have weird dreams.
so first i dreamt about my friends, how we went out,and had fun at this place that i dreamt about before.
in reality, it doesn't exist.
i got pissed off with two waiters at the restaurant we ate at, and flicked the finger at them and ran off.
they chased after me with like, metal batons, wanting to beat me up, before i begged them not to because my younger brother, for some reason, was with me.

then it switched over to the side where my friends and i were having a really crazy party, and suddenly, it switched over to a part where i was barely concious.
i don't know how you can be barely concious in your dream, but you can, because i felt so drowsy in my dream.
it felt so real.
a female friend of mine asked me to go into a cubicle in the toilet with her.
it felt pretty lesbian-ish, because it felt like we were gonna do something. but she left and i was too drowsy to think any further.
i rested in the cubicle for a while, and left to find my way back to the party.
then along the weird way there i met an indian woman, who was in a dilemma over god knows what. i don't remember now. but i was trying my best to comfort her then.
and we met another woman.
everything is so sketchy.
all i know is, the path we took, towards the party i wanted to go back to was so dangerous and ridiculous.
it involved scaling the sides and ledges of high rise buildings.
and the woman who joined us last fell and i remembered being so frightened and more worried about my life than hers.
i feel so shameful about that now.
but i pulled her up somehow.
i guess in dreams, everything isn't THAT horrid.

that's all i remember.
i'm straight.
as straight as this line _______________.
but i think i've been influenced by too much lesbianism stuff lately.
till it circulates in my mind and refuses to leave.
anyway, i always thought it'd be pretty fun being lesbian.
but it wouldn't be nice to be with someone who's srsly in love with you but you're just in it for the fun.
so, being straight is the way to go.
because even if you're in it for fun, so what?
it doesn't complicate matters.

whatever it is, i need to sleep.
my mind needs to rest.
so what if i sleep and my mind doesn't rest.
POINTLESS!
raaaaaaaaaaaah.

pills won't even do the job.
this is such a suckfest.

*pouts*

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16246856/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16246856/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 20:58:07 PST FUCK, i wanna lose weight.
damn it.
but the human body is so stingy with calories once you start starving.
(/edit)

i can't draw the line between my dreams & reality anymore.

that aside, i'm so tempted to shower, throw on something and go down to school for...
for what?
i don't know.
i need some closure.

something exciting needs to happen in my life because i'm really sick of everything. i swear.

hahaha, anyway, i cut my own fringe yesterday.
my bangs were growing into my eyes and before i get accused of being all emo-momo, i decided to trim it off a bit.
actually i was already accused of being emo-momo thanks to my hairstyle, habit of wearing eyeliner and the fact that i was looking for black nail polish, but it was out of stock.
@#$&*($&#%*(
and it does seem like it if you add on my constant comtemplation regarding tattoos and piercings.

but hey, you can't expect someone like me to wear clothing of many colours and walk around like i have no purpose on this planet.
i am the wallpaper, or i try to make myself the wallpaper.
HAHAHA. it depends, really.
depends a lot on my highs & lows.
so generally, so what if i dress like an emo person x_x
i hate the word emo really.
it's a stereotype.

so to create your own emo-momo,
make sure your child has emo hair which is probably highlighted in a few outrageous colours and that it covers their eyes.
ensure that he or she puts on eyeliner when they go out, paint their nails black, wear black shirts, or some weird punkish grungey emo looking shirt & black skinny jeans.
i love skinnies <3
oh, don't forget the lip and tongue piercings, or cheek piercings even.
nose too!
last but not least, tattoos, ooo, get like one on the wrist or something.
there, your very own emo-momo.

i'm going to fuck off now, because this is a pretty pointless entry.
tooooooodles.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16235114/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16235114/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 05:34:05 PST but i don't quite remember, so i'll try my best.

oh yes, the first would be of what my friends have been trying to drill into my head quite a number of times lately.
they keep telling me that i need to stop cutting myself because i'm not going to be able to explain it to my children, if i do have any, in future.
and they do have a point.
i've been thinking about it A LOT.
like, if my child asks, "mommy, why do you have scars all over your arm?"
mommy either says, "..." or "oh mommy fell down."
RIGHT. what the fuck, srsly.
does anyone have any brilliant excuses to suggest?

secondly, BOOBS.
on the way down to my job interview today, i was thinking about boobs.
not in th dirty way.
just boobs.
why is it that guys can flash their chest whereas girls can't?
who was th first mofo who decided that boobs were private parts?
i don't have anything against that.
i think i'm just too bored with my life and i see a need to pick at whatever pops up at th back of my mind.
basically, if boobs weren't private, maybe guys wouldn't get turned on by them.
if we were brought up in a world where women could walk around with their boobs exposed, and we were taught that it was normal, there wouldn't be much controversy over th fact that people tan topless.
it's what we're indoctrinated with during th time when we were young.
maybe indoctrinated is th wrong word.
but honestly, that's how everything works.
it spreads from generation to generation.
adam and eve were naked.
and if they didn't sin, i think that all of us would be walking around naked right now and we wouldn't even be bothered or disturbed by th fact that we're all exposed.
i just felt the need to prove my point about th fact that things are how they are because people at th start made them this way and we were taught that this is how it is from young and therefore this is how it is NOW.
i'm being ridiculous again ):

thirdly, i don't really want a frickin job.
i just wanna earn some pocket money on my own so i can do more shopping.
i went down to the cinema today.
th woman interviewed me there.
i didn't like the way she looked at me.
don't hire me if you don't like me because i don't like you too.
maybe i'm reading too much into it and being paranoid.
but for some reason, i dislike adults.
okay, that's not new.
but i'm not exactly your best customer service worker who will put their emotions on th line and smile for everyone.
i remembered when i was working as a waitress at this restaurant, and for god's/pete's sake, i am the FUCKING waitress there.
i take orders, and i serve food. i don't cook the food.
so this woman supposedly ordered vegetarian fried rice, and i brought her fried rice, and she scolded me for that.
it's not like i'm the chef who cooked the wrong dish.
it took me every ounce of self control i had not to hurl the plate of fried rice at her.
screw those stupid mofo-ic snobbish stuck up fuckers of the adult working world.

i'm really, really screwing up.
my extreme mood swings look really bipolar-ish.
i can't even help it.
and i'm turning into a night creature.
my sleep cycle's completely screwed up, and i lie down for hours without feeling the need to surrender to sleep while my mind wanders and wanders and wanders and makes all the horrible, shitty, fucked up emotions come back.

i need help, but i can't let anyone know.
one of my new year resolutions was to stop indulging in self destructive activities.
i broke that yesterday.
one DAY into 2008 and i alr screwed up one resolution.
i didn't just cut myself.
i even painted something with my blood.
that was just so wrong.
but it hurt less yesterday.
i kept cutting because i needed more blood, to ensure i could paint the correct type of strokes i wanted, and i just kept cutting and cutting like it didn't hurt at all.
all self-mutilators know that they're on the verge of insanity before they cut themselves and for some reason, while they're cutting, everything is so quiet and peaceful within.
the thrashing and pain stops.
and you totally numb out.
your mind numbs out.
you feel the pain of each cut, but it feels so good.
it feels even better to bleed it all out.
it's a psychological thing and i know it.
nobody bleeds their emotions out.
but i just feel better because i FEEL like i AM bleeding my emotions out.

i've been wondering lately whether i'm going to lose everyone around me first, or if they're going to lose me first.

despite how emo sounding this entry sounds, i'm okay (:
everyone goes... ]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16213932/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16213932/ Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:22:44 PST 29th october?
it has been 65 days since the blade touched my skin.
and i just had to
fuck
it
all
up
again.
thanks to all th shitty feelings that have been piling up for days.

i'll be fine.
i'm trying my best to believe that God can fix everything.

i will smile for the world though! (:
i'm really okay.
hahaha.

what i wouldn't give to remain in fairfield.
it was like my comfort zone and escape.
fairfield's the name of my school btw.
fairfield methodist secondary school.
x_x

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16191013/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16191013/ Mon, 31 Dec 2007 18:25:31 PST things i learned today after coming home from lunch with the entire family and from where my grandfather was placed to rest.

1. i am too soft hearted.
it hurts me to even see old folks staring into space and looking so lonely at my grandmother's nursing home when it's really none of my business at all.
2. there's something wrong with th family, relatives included.
3. the adults in my entire family sure know how to make something out of nothing. like lunch, for example, just over tables, we can have such a big commotion over where to sit.
4. nobody can hear me screaming my lungs out on the inside.
5. i want out of all of this. i don't want to move out. i want to run far, far away from everybody i know because nobody knows shit about how i feel. i think i should just offer myself up to kidnappers and let them ship me away to some deserted unknown place where i'll slave th rest of my life away.

this may be a new year.
but it's th same life.
and i am losing my mind.
no kidding about that.

oh fuck, i hate being so negative.
i'm so sorry.
(/edit)

today is like, my grandfather's tenth death anniversary.
what a way to start th new year every year.
he died when i was seven, and you know what, i don't even remember much.
i'm not sure if it sucks more to hurt over it, or it sucks more that it doesn't hurt because i don't remember.

i feel really old actually.
i'm gna turn eighteen this coming june.
at seventeen right now, all i've done is impose on people and get babied by them because i'm too pathetic to stand on my own feet.
it's always easier playing th victim.
but hell, it's time i started growing up.
even if i don't want to.
i need to stop being dependent on people.

i'm quite determined to shift out at any cost just to get away from my family.
i'll be allowed too, like it or not, since i turn into an official adult in like six months time.
so they can't keep me here much longer.
it's just shitty because i'm still a teenager, and i don't have a frickin job, AND my parents will still have to pay for my education after my results come out.

i've been waiting ALL my life to reach this age.
but now, i wish i didn't wait all my life.
i should have just enjoyed being a child, even if i wasn't that oblivious to everything.
i think i'm too smart for my own good.
i know way too many things and it absolutely kills me to think about it.
i wanted to grow up to be bigger and better so i could fuck up everyone who ever fucked me up before.
turns out i fucked myself up th most, and even more than anyone could fuck me up.
because they started it, but i carried it on. and it went way out of control.

this is mindless ranting, like yesterday.

my new year resolutions?
decent results at the 'o' levels.
i'm not even hoping for fantabulous results anymore.
lose weight.
start being less dependent on people.
start growing up.
stop indulging in self destructive activities.
move out?

anyway, i'd like to thank athena & brittany for their comments after reading through that emo shit post yesterday.
it's not good to read about someone's pain because it just makes you feel negative after that too.

i can smile today.
(:

hahaha.
cheerios.

& happy NOOB year to everyone.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16172952/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16172952/ Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:31:35 PST I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick

Brittany(InnocenceDivine), you really introduced me to this song at the right time (:
(/edit)

i'm going to post this before i become a pussy and refuse to do it.
i cried myself to sleep last night.
maybe i'm really bipolar.
i get so depressed at night for no apparent reason at times.

last night, i wanted to arrange another session with my counsellor, or go seek a shrink out like in th middle of th night.
because if i did, i think i'd wail to her about everything that was tearing me apart on th inside.
but i feel okay today.
i don't feel sad, i don't feel happy. i feel kinda numb.

last night, my mind wandered, and it refused to stop wandering.
i have this really, weird almost photographic like memory that seems to remember th past really easily.
and when th mere thought of it comes up, everything comes back.
faces, voices, sounds, places, pain.
th pain from then comes back too.

i always thought it might be better to get hit by a car and forget everything that ever happened.
even if it meant erasing every memory i shared with everyone i knew.
that way, someone will definitely brainwash me with happy things.

does anyone ever see their family fall apart?
i don't even know how everything spun out of control in my family.
and i think that i'm just th one shouldering th burden because i am th older child, and i know what th fuck's going on.
everything is just crumbling down day by day.
my father seems to blame me for everything.
as if i'm th cause of why he's that way, and i know he doesn't really love me anymore.
but neither do i love him.
i just owe him. for bringing me up.
it just hurts really badly when you hate someone so much, you'd kill them, but you feel so sorry for them at th same time.
it makes you loathe yourself.
i personally feel both my parents love my brother more, and honestly, it hurt really bad before, but not anymore.
it still hurts, but i don't care. because i don't want their love.
i just want th family to wisen up and stop making excuses for their problems.

my father drinks every fucking night.
and tomorrow's my grandad's death anniversary, and he just came home and said he doesn't want my mom there tomorrow, because he just doesn't want her there.
he also said that he's gonna retire soon, and he started saying all sorts of bullshit.
he makes every fucking thing sound like it's th fucking world's fault.
but really, he's just a motherfucking coward who has no shit guts to face up to reality.
has it ever occured to him that when he gets liver problems from all that fucking alcohol he drinks every night, my brother and i are going to be th ones paying th bills off at th hospital for him.
has it ever occured to him that when he grows old, my brother and i have to pay for all his expenses.
and after listing out his so called grievances on me, he's still drinking with no fucking consideration whatsoever.
he's alr throwing away his money on alcohol and it is a sure thing that he's gonna have health problems when he grows older.
FUCK HIM.

this is a fucked up family, and i'm a fuck up anyway.
it's really simple.
it's either something starts changing, or i'm going to just find a way out of all of this.
life, or death.
this is alr living hell anyway.

i don't want to die, and i know it.
i just need to get away from this.
somehow.

God, do You hear me now?
or maybe, You still think i need to go through more shit to prove my worth.
to who?
i don't even know.

everything happens for a reason?
i don't see any reasons right now.

i'm sorry but i really can't smile for anyone today.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16160743/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16160743/ Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:29:17 PST I swear we need to find some comfort in this run down place
To bridge the gap of this conscious state that we live in
And I'm short on time
(/edit)

i fucking hate my church.
okay, i'm sorry.
this is a totally inappropriate way of starting an entry.
but srsly, @#%^@#^@#%.

people are so FAKE.
but i'm forced to go every sunday.
oh yeh, i do believe in God.
but i'm not a christian.
i was born in a christian family.
i accepted Him when i was small and gullible.
maybe gullible is the wrong word to use, but never mind.

as soon as i could think on my own, i never accepted Him.
i fear commitments, of all sorts.
even relationships with other people.

on days like these,
on a scale of one to ten, of whether i'd slit my wrists, ten being the worst, it's a seven at least.
but i shouldn't do it since i have been doing pretty well.

i'd do anything just to see a little purpose in my existence.

okay, i'm sorry if my post made anyone feel horrid or if it stirred up negative feelings.

i'll smile for you so you'll forget about all those things i brought up.
(:

there.

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16144191/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16144191/ Fri, 28 Dec 2007 20:04:29 PST thanks to InnocenceDivine (:

i checked it out, and it was written based on that girl during the columbine high school massacre who supposedly said 'yes' when one of the shooters asked her whether or not she believed in God and shot her after that.
her mom even went to publish a book that was like titled, 'She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall'
but who knows if it's real.
well if it is, she's definitely in heaven, so we should all be happy for her.

i think i finally understand the lyrics in cassie.
it sounded pretty suicidal at first.
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet?
Say 'yes' to pull the trigger
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet?
And Cassie pulled the trigger

which means cassie believes in God.
if anyone listens to this song and commits suicide,
they totally misinterpreted it.
well to interpret it properly in the first place, you'd have to know about cassie bernall.
i'm going out of point.

anyway, i had a series of weird dreams last night.
this time, with all sorts of people i don't know and in an entire different world.
it was just obvious that i was running away from someone or something.

also, a shocking realization dawned on me yesterday.
none of my friends listen to emo screamo except for me.
i mean there are those that like Paramore, 30 STM, Breaking Benjamin ...
but NOBODY likes underoath!
so that tells me i need to make new friends.
new friends who realise screaming is an art and no easy feat.
pfffft.

my mood has been content, content and content everyday because i can never bear to put anything higher than that.
i've just gotten over my pms phase, so it isn't so fucked up anymore.
if my sources are correct, my o level results are going to be released a month from today.
i'm sooo freaked. srsly.
i have no guts to see how i did.
and what's more, when you get your results slip, you gotta tear the corners open before you get to see the results.

i think i'll die of a heart attack before that.

& i've decided to pierce my tongue on the tenth of january because my mom's gonna leave the country for four days.
so i'm crossing my fingers & hoping the swelling subsides by then.
i can't ever let my parents find out about it.
yay, tenth january!

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16128640/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16128640/ Thu, 27 Dec 2007 18:52:40 PST the essay is up.
if you don't like it, i'm sorry.
i don't choose what goes on in my life.

anyway, i was talking to alexis just now and future prospects look slightly better.
polytechnics in singapore are located at really far ends, and alexis said that her dad might rent an apartment for her so it'd be convenient for her to go to school.
and i was like, omg can i share your apartment?
she agreed and thought it would be pretty fun as well.
which teenager wouldn't get hyped up about moving in with a friend?
it seems like whether i get into art school or poly, i can still move out, PROVIDED my parents allow it.
but they should, since it'd take me like an hour plus on the train just to get to school for lectures if the poly is on the other end of singapore.
can you imagine if the lectures at 8am and i gotta wake up at like 6am or 6 plus. no frickin way.
besides, we don't get driving licenses at 16 here x_x

anyway, IF i move out, i'd wisen up, see my family less often, and after three years, i can move back in with my family and be mature enough to sort out all that shit going on.
right now, i'm completely helpless, suffocating, and dying here.

whatever it is, it's just a possible alternative.
(/edit)

hullo,
i'm officially voiceless today!
hahahaha.

well, i kinda wanted to try NOT talking for a week,
since someone said that you'd actually lose the ability to talk if you did that.

right now, i'm submitting deviations very quickly, but that'd slow down next year because i have no idea what lies ahead.
i may like sink into severe depression again and start doing all sorts of weird and morbid pieces x_x

i had this problem of not being able to write an essay if it didn't have something to do with suicide or something that involved blood.

anyway, i'm going to type out an essay now, from a long time ago, and after i edit it, if i like, i'll post it up here for y'all (:

i'm not really someone who can draw.
i'm just someone that draws little things and throws them together so they look good like, as an overview.

but, hell, i really wish i could draw.

& if you're wondering why this post is called pressure,
it's because i'm quite afraid i won't be able to be creative enough to submit deviations that are prettier than my previous ones.
i am such a pussy really.

cheerios!

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16113244/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16113244/ Wed, 26 Dec 2007 17:47:43 PST my cramp's gone. hooray!
hahaha.
i think that chatting through comments with people here is really amusing.
because it's like short lil emails going up & down.
anyway, i'm very tempted to type out a whole bunch of underoath lyrics since i can never scream them out, because girls vocal cords aren't like boys. and i can't sing them now since i have sore throat & lost my voice.

Time is running, it's running on empty, and the gas is running out.
I've decided that tonight that is the night that I let love aside.
Full speed ahead, this seems to be the place.
I've seen this once before.
Planned perfection sought in my dreams,
hoping this would take you home.

Drowning in my sleep,
I'm drowning in my sleep.

Pain has never been so brilliant.

well it's not th full song.
just certain parts i really like.
(/edit)

Periods frickin kill.
I woke up really early this morning because I couldn't sleep & felt grossed out so I took a shower, and, here I am.

Tyvm to the two people who decided to watch me because it drives & motivates me to submit more deviations (:

You know what, I don't even know what deviant means.
HA HA HA.

Anyway, 2008 is approaching and I have no idea, no idea AT ALL what it holds for me.
I can either be left with no school, or I'll get into a course I like, depending on my GCE 'O' Level results, that is.
I'm not even sure if I can make it into art school if I failed math or something.
I never took Art as a subject in secondary school, which makes it a lot harder.
It's for this reason that I absolutely cannot stand Singapore's education system.

I screwed up at my 'O's alright.
If I talked about it, I'd rant so much that your eyes will bleed from reading it.
So, I'm not going to do it.
(:

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16099137/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16099137/ Tue, 25 Dec 2007 18:56:14 PST

I'm feeling heaps better today,
just that my throat's awfully sore.
It's probably due to the fact that I've been eating chocolates as if th world would end tomorrow.

I feel better in the mornings,
and my mood dampens when it reaches late afternoons,
then it reaches th worst when night comes.

HAHAHA.

It's kinda funny talking about it now.
But in actual fact, it really isn't funny.

For now, there are 12 days of Christmas, so hooray!

]]> ~cherryliqueurs http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16086145/ http://cherryliqueurs.deviantart.com/journal/16086145/ Mon, 24 Dec 2007 23:45:50 PST The first thing that struck me when I woke up this morning was that nobody would actually know if I attempted suicide.
I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.

I frickin sound like a sad, pathetic, good-for-nothing in life.
Actually, I think I'm more of a never-good-enough.

We're nothing but hollow vessels in search of what makes us alive
I never said this was my revolution when you looked me in the eye
Oh, how I've walked this white line so many times before
What a feeble attempt just to feel alive

]]> ~cherryliqueurs