http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:chosenlast&section=today deviantART RSS for by:chosenlast en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 20 Dec 2009 17:34:34 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/27056381/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/27056381/ Sun, 06 Sep 2009 14:45:48 PDT
]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/26904587/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/26904587/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:32:23 PDT
I'm not ready to be back at college.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/26008961/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/26008961/ Fri, 17 Jul 2009 14:59:59 PDT
I am trying.

That is what is important to me.

I'm learning to love, to share, to trust. It is a scary experience, but I am doing what I can. It's hard. But progress on this front always is.

I'm doing what I can.

I don't promise I'll always make steps forward; sometimes a step backward is necessary. That is all I can expect. I just hope to make forward progress more than backward...

I will do the most I can at the time.

I will struggle up the mountain with that boulder on my shoulders, just to throw it over the side and free myself from it while I revel in the sunshine that awaits me at the top.

That sun will be so much sweeter when I catch it and keep it.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/22704346/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/22704346/ Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:38:07 PST
I miss that me.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/22624467/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/22624467/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 23:02:37 PST I'm doing better, but there are moments that I am simply not okay.
I survived through one ordeal, only to make it to another one.
I still need to continue to get better.
I am not having nightmares anymore.
I am weary.

Save me?

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21953565/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21953565/ Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:42:27 PST
I can feel the thickness of the fog starting to go away, and the way the weight presses down on me is not so suffocating anymore. Things are starting to be okay again.

Except the nightmares. I have been having regular nightmares, and consequently, night terrors. Paranoia, if you will. A phobia is also something one might call it.

I can no longer peacefully sleep in a room by myself. I have become convinced that a crazy person is going to come into my room in the middle of the night and murder me, or rape me, or something just as terrible. The darkness brings out this fear. And only when I'm alone. If I do not call or text someone until I fall asleep, I will usually end up crying myself to sleep because I am so afraid.

I have no answer to this problem, only that I must learn to live with it and hopefully it will go away.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21822931/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21822931/ Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:41:40 PST I hated it, and I hated being me.
And now that's one less thing about me that I hate. Hopefully I'll learn to not hate my other parts.

Or maybe I'll change them so I don't hate them anymore. We'll see.

Until then, I've started.
At least I'm not sitting around in my own shit talking about how much it stinks anymore. Now I've got a spoon to start digging.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21510986/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21510986/ Sun, 16 Nov 2008 01:30:09 PST
I cried last night, in fact, while my roommate slept softly below me.

No one knows it except this online crowd, the vast few who still care about who I am and what I write.

I am friends with your current girlfriend, because she seems to understand and feel compassion towards me.

She understood not to give up on me when I got angry, when I said all of those nasty things. I couldn't believe it when she called me. I didn't expect she would, simply because she isn't obligated to be nice to me. I'm just the cast aside ex.

You, however, you gave up. You said, OKAY and I DESERVED THAT. Bullshit. You weren't okay with it. You lied again. You gave up on me. I tested your friendship when I did that, not on purpose, but on accident as it always is. You promised you would never give up on me, no matter how hard it got. But you did.

And you made everything worse.

How could you?

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21309130/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21309130/ Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:45:30 PST
Where I used to be so invigorated by simple pleasures, I find nothing.

I am not depressed.

I am an empty hollow.

I wish I could find myself.

I miss her now that she's gone.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21148484/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/21148484/ Fri, 24 Oct 2008 23:56:29 PDT
I talked to him.

I don't care anymore.

I haven't talked to my former close to best friend.

He is still one I am not sure I'll ever talk to.

I may have found someone who is good for me.

It's still completely not anything; I don't know.

But at the very least, I have a potential new friend.

This brings peace to my life.

I feel good about myself again.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20864579/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20864579/ Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:15:20 PDT
Big time.

I was looking for comfort and I tried finding it in the wrong person.

All I got from him was hurt, emotionally and physically.

What am I doing to myself?

First I try to drown in alcohol, now I try to drown in this?

Oh God, have mercy on my soul.

If I wasn't destined for hell before, now I surely am.

I am ashamed of myself.

Pull me out, for God's sake, before I make an even bigger mistake.

I already have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Save me.

Please.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20829686/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20829686/ Sat, 04 Oct 2008 17:51:32 PDT Then he broke up with me. It was 2:30, or within 5 minutes of that, on a Sunday morning. We were texting each other our goodnights, my favorite routine of ours. But that night, he seemed distant. He didn’t say things he usually said, and so I brought it up, hoping to let him know I was concerned. He told me he was having second thoughts about us, that he didn’t think that he wanted to be with me, that he wasn’t ready for this type of relationship yet. He said he didn’t even think he wanted to be with me at all anymore, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. No matter how much I bargained with him, something I had never done, and never will do again, just to keep him. He was the only thing in my life that I had ever loved. The only one I had ever trusted beyond reason of a doubt with everything. I needed him. And he left me. I cried. I cried for hours and hours, only breaking to sleep and eat basically. I couldn’t do anything but cry. This was two months ago this week; two days from now I will have survived what I thought was the worst heartbreak I would ever have. It turned out to be a long and hard process of getting over him, and it took me a month to stop the pain from starting every time I thought about him. I believed I was finally over him. We were trying out being friends, because I couldn’t bear to lose my closest friend.
Fast forward a couple weeks. I’m finally settling in at my college, as I had moved in just as I was getting over him. I get a phone call from him at 11:30 pm on a Monday. He starts off quietly, mumbling. I tell him to repeat himself, and he does. He is telling me that he used me. He never loved me that way, never wanted to spend his life with me, never felt anything more than friendship for me. I cried. I didn’t know what else to do. He had just broken my heart again, and this was worse than him breaking up with me. This didn’t mean that he loved me at one point but not at the time he broke up with me, this meant that he never in fact loved me. That it was all a lie. After he listened to me cry for an hour, we reasoned. I told him that I needed some time, but I would still like to be his friend, and still would like to talk to him. He still was a good friend, and he clearly felt terrible about what he had done to me. I was willing to forgive him. I was also willing to overlook the fact that he had a new girlfriend. I was willing to do pretty much anything to keep him in my life.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was sitting at my desk, finally recovering from a head cold gone wrong which left me essentially comatose for two days. I was on the internet, like a typical college student, avoiding completing the homework assignment I was typing up. I was on a networking site not known to mainstream yet, and long story short, I find something suspicious on this girl’s page. There are messages and romantic gifts corresponding to when he and I were dating, which are identical to mine, which are from a guy by the exact name as my ex. Granted, his name is a common one, but I still felt like I was moving in slow motion when I clicked on his name. Time completely stopped when I found myself staring at his face. It was then I realized that this girl is his girlfriend. It was then I realized he had cheated on me with this girl, about a week into our relationship and obviously to the end. I was furious. I was so furious that I sat in silence for a while. Then my heart broke again. This was by far the worst heartbreak he had subjected me to, because he was trying to hide this from me the entire time. He had no intention of ever telling me about her. The worst part is that he admitted to me that she knew about me. This heartbreak was the last straw for me. I was willing to forgive the first time. I was able to forgive the second time. Now all I had left was hate. You can only love someone so much when they don’t love you before you begin to resent them. This is what I did. I resented him. I called him names, I dragged him through the dirt, and I... ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20405642/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20405642/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:52:23 PDT It was all a lie.

He lied to me.

He used me.

I am lost.

Come find me.

No one else will anymore.

I can't be anything anymore.

I am here in the caverns of my empty soul.

My heart is broken worse than it was before.

Worse than how my father had broken it.















I will never be okay.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20115618/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/20115618/ Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:19:24 PDT No more lovely.

This is okay.
I realize that "from that cursed beginning to that blessed, blessed end, I found a way to live".
That's a quote from a song.
The War by Melee.
It's not new, but it's still as good as the first time I heard it.

And it's very true.
I don't really feel like the end was blessed, or the beginning was cursed necessarily, but I really did find a way to live from the day he and I met until now. And I still live. He woke me from my slumber that I carried with me before, living in the shadows. Now I am confident that who I am is good enough, and I don't have to be pushed into anything, nor do I have to be angry about everything. I can't control most things, and my half-living self was selfish enough to believe that was my fault.
It's not.
It never was.

I'm ready for life.

I'm ready to live now.

For real.

Thank you for opening my eyes, my still dear friend.

I have been forever made a better person from the fact that you made me realize that I am the person you told me I was, that I still am. You never pushed it on me, just helped me realize it.

I am eternally grateful to you.

I'm sorry you'll never read this.

Everyone else, I hope you find someone like this for yourself.

And yes, I do sing in the morning.
With extremely close to perfect pitch. No one can be absolutely perfect. If they say they are, they lie. Kill them.
I sing in the shower.
It's fun.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/18662460/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/18662460/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 13:11:44 PDT Maybe it was sleep, maybe not.
All I know is I have calmed down, and whatever happens shall happen.
Being dramatic is a waste of my time.
And it's pointless in the scheme of things.
Yeah.

So tomorrow is my birthday.
The big 18.
Wish me luck haha.

Well.
Goodbye.
I'm better now.

I hope you liked my new poem.
It will probably be the newest one for a while.
I hope.
Because that means I'm happy.
I can't write when I'm happy.
I like being happy.

I'd rather not be able to write
than be sad.

Okay.
Bye.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/18654416/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/18654416/ Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:17:56 PDT Whether by choice or not, I'm not certain.
I feel like I've come to a point in my life where I am no longer happy.
I hate these times, and I hate this part of myself.
It will not go away just by ignoring it, or wishing it away.
I also cannot do a thing about it, as nothing I do will change my feelings.
No.
Something must change in my life.
I do not know what, but I do know that I hope it is not what I think it is.
I hope that nothing will keep me sad with the boy.
I hope that I am just overthinking things, and that my temper today did not cause me to shoot myself in the foot finally.
I hope that my big mouth did not ruin what I have and hurt me for what I don't have. What have I done?
Save me from my runaway mind, and my hideaway heart.
God have mercy on my soul.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/18616933/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/18616933/ Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:00:29 PDT We do not disagree on many things, although his evident dislike for writing does make me sad. I guess I'll just have to show him the other side of life.
He is why I have not been writing.
I cannot write when I am happy.
I'm glad I cannot write as of now.
I'll dig out some old works as soon as I can find my jackpot folder full of them.
And maybe he will make me sad so I'll write.
We'll see.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/16378630/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/16378630/ Sat, 12 Jan 2008 20:42:44 PST Brian Andreas.
He is amazing. And I love him. Not romantically, but in a platonic, adoration, admiration kind of way.
So I'm going to bombard you with quotes... if you don't want to be submerged in Brian Andreas, I suggest you not read any further.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm not so good at taking my own advice, she said, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's right.


I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot.
It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone.


I will always remember the day when the sun shone dark on your hair & I forgot where we were & kissed you lightly on the nose & suddenly there was no more secret.


he has a hole where his heart used to be because it fell out when he was running from scary things one night in a dream & it hurts all the time now & he doesn't know how to fix it & sometimes I think he doesn't even remember that it's gone.


She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said.


As long as the sun shall rise goes the old lover's vow. But we are children of a scientific age & I have no time for poetry. Still, I offer a quiet prayer of thanks for the sunlight each time I see your face.


we had gone far enough together to listen easily in the quiet spaces


The clock is a conspiracy & a crime against humanity & I would not own one except I miss appointments without it.


I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line.
Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me.
Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I crossed my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere.


I think my life would be easier, he said, if I could just get my selves to agree on something.


The secret is not in your hand or your eye or your voice, my aunt told me once. The secret is in your heart. Of course, she said, knowing that doesn't make it any easier.


I was going to be the solar system, she said, but I kept getting caught in the trees & bushes.


She softened gradually, melting in the light of the sun, all the while thinking, O, this is what it's like to be a planet & suddenly it was over & the universe expanded by one.


They came to sit & dangle their feet off the edge of the world & after a while they forgot everything but the good & true things they would do someday.


I my dream, the angel shrugged & said, If we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand.


I don't really have any secrets, she told me once. I just forget a lot of the stuff.


She moved with the grace of a cat & her tongue licked at the corner of her lips & I'm sure she would have helped me if I could have said I am just a child & don't know what to do, but I was just a child & didn't know how to tell her about those new & raw places in my heart, so she stood there in the dim light with her hair like a cloud of perfume around her face & neither of us spoke & now I wish I could go back & hold her & say someday we will laugh & ache about this.


He told me that once he forgot himself & his heart opened up like a door with a loose hatch & everything fell out & he tried for days to put it all back in the proper order, but finally he gave up & left it there in a pile & loved everything equally.


If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you.


He told me that the night his mother died, there were storms & far away he saw purple lightening & someone left the window open & the room filled with a swirl of butterflies & she slipped out quietly without anyone noticing & I'm sure the grief was softer because of that.


When my great-uncle August was in his twenties, he left Iowa & went to study cake decorating at the National Baking Institue in Chicago. He learned everything from sugar decorations to ice sculpture.
He went to school for 2 years & when he finished, he went back to Iowa & worked in the family bakery. Except for the odd wedding cake, he never used the fancy stuff he learned. He was in charge of the yeast bread & cinnamon rolls.
Just after the end of WWII, the Valley Dairy Farmer's Association had the first of the now famous Milk's Honey Festivals. August made a model of the Statue of Liberty 250 lbs... ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/16150610/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/16150610/ Sat, 29 Dec 2007 10:13:45 PST Negativity. Wow. That's sad.
Anyway.

I have decided that I am pretty much insane. There are lots of reasons for this, but the one that I find most to blame right now is my lack of self-restraint. I say things all the time, as I'm sure most people do, but I have a terrible disease called lack-of-filter. I just kind of say things without thinking. I have control over the bad comments, such as inappropriate and foul-mouthed things (sometimes), but just everyday weirdness I cannot seem to stop from spilling out of my mouth like milk out of the nose of a person consumed by laughter. That's very painful, just so you know.

Some days I kind of feel like my passion is going to waste. Like, the other day, I was discussing the house retail market with my dad, and he told me to stop thinking about it because it had nothing to do with me. I don't care if I have no need to buy a house, or sell one, or rent one. I still think it's dumb. I want to just shake all these cities and contractors and yell, "YOU IDIOTS! Why waste money on houses that will sit empty and start to rot! WHY??? And, WHY buy up corn/bean/other produce fields to wreck them and build houses on them that no one will live in??? WHY???? Just stop. Honestly people." Because, seriously, I think I have more brains than them most of the time. Usually the way to have a recession from the bad times is to take away part of the problem (AKA the continuous building of houses). I saw this being a problem even before it actually was. That's how awesome I am.

But in other news, I also feel like I'm smarter than our local government. They are acting like the kids I work with, except they throw around phrases like "quit now, fool" instead of "get out of my fort, you stinky booby". Somehow, I think they'd all get along so much better if they used the term "stinky booby" instead of "incapable" or "irresponsible". Grownup terms take the fun out of every argument.

I feel like I'm searching for a cause. Maybe I am. Or maybe I've found a cause but am incapable (excuse me, "stinky boobified") of showing how committed to a cause I want to fight for. Or maybe people just won't listen.

I am just a teenager, you know.

Gag me. I hate that... you know, when people tell me not to think about things because I'm "not old enough to understand" or am "incapable of judging what will be". Bullshit (oops, filter's off). I'm just as "capable" as any of those feeble-minded dirty politicians, and probably more fair about what I do. This is, in fact, why I hate people. Yes, I said it. I hate people. Why? I just told you.

But now that I've sufficiently wiped your mind of all coherent thoughts, I'll leave you with this one:

Don't listen to grownups; they know nothing of how the world works. It's the children you want to listen to; they are wiser than most people give them credit for, and are far more honest in what they say and do.

Hasta la vista, stinky booby.
*****
(EMILY).

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/15793053/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/15793053/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:44:03 PST
Your boy side

[x] you love hoodies.
[x] you love jeans.
[ ] dogs are better than cats.
[x] it's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] you've played with/against boys on a team.
[ ] shopping is torture.
[ ] sad movies suck.
[x] you own an x-box.
[x] played with hotwheels cars as a kid.
[ ] at some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[ ] you own a DS, PS2 or sega.
[x] you used to be obsessed with power rangers.
[ ] you watch sports on TV.
[x] gory movies are cool.
[x] you go to your dad for advice.
[ ] you own like a trillion baseball caps.
[x] you like going to football games.
[ ] you used to/do collect baseball cards.
[ ] baggy pants are cool to wear.
[ ] it's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] you love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] sports are fun.
[ ] talk with food in your mouth.
[x] wear boxers.*
*disclaimer: to bed, people.
Total = 13

--

Your girl side

[ ] you wear lip gloss.
[x] you love to shop.
[ ] you wear eyeliner.
[x] you have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[x] you wear the color pink.
[x] go to your mom for advice.
[x] you consider cheerleading a sport
[ ] you hate wearing the color black.
[x] you like hanging out at the mall.
[x] you like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[x] you like wearing jewelry.
[ ] skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] you don't like the movie star wars.
[x] you are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[ ] it takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories.
[ ] you smile a lot more than you should.
[x] you have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[ ] you care about what you look like.
[ ] you like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] you like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[x] you wear girl underwear.
[x] used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[ ] like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.
Total= 15


I just had a thought.
Wouldn't it be weird if I tied?
Just a thought.
I'm only slightly more feminine than masculine, though.
But that doesn't really surprise me.
Anyway, that was just a random thing.
Yeah.

I promise that I will get some stuff up soon, I just need more time to get through that hate part of my love-hate relationship I have with my writing... Unfortunately it's mostly hate.
I will conquer this, though.



EmilyEmilyEmilyEmilyEmilyEmilyEmilyEmily EmilyEmilyEmilyEmily

Say that 5 times fast.


P.S. ~Eric Whitacre is a God.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/15278060/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/15278060/ Mon, 29 Oct 2007 18:58:38 PDT
I dare you, guess.

I FINALLY PUT UP A PIC INTO MY NAME! Art thou not proud of me?

I thought so.

And I am 2/3 done with the current stress and distraction I face, so soon I shall be putting up more work.

It's pretty exciting.

And relieving.

I enjoy chatting with you all.

Ciao for now.
~CL aka me

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/14844008/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/14844008/ Sat, 29 Sep 2007 16:23:21 PDT
That's all I have to say.

Wow, I sound kinda emo. A lot.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/14363825/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/14363825/ Mon, 27 Aug 2007 11:36:36 PDT Until then, I shall keep making these same excuses in hopes that you don't get sick of them. If so, just let me know. I can think of someone who already has, so don't be scared. Maybe it will kick my butt into gear, and work out some of the problems I've got with my writing. I almost had something today. Almost. But then it didn't work out. Ack. Almost. I'll do something about it. If I don't have something posted by the end of the week (Sunday), I give you permission to smite me.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/14155613/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/14155613/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 20:12:19 PDT [x] Mother
[x] Father
[ ] Step-Father
[ ] Step-Mother
[ ] Step-Sister
[] Brother
[x] Sister
[] Nephew
[] Niece
[x] Cell phone
[x] Own bathroom
[x] Own room
[ ] Swimming pool
[ ] Hot tub
[] Guest room
[x] TV
TOTAL so far: 7

[x] Full size or bigger bed
[x] More than 8 pairs of shoes
[x] Sunglasses
[x] Watch
[x] MP3 Player/iPod that works well
[] PS2 that works
[x] Xbox that works
[] Nintendo DS or PSP that works
[] Gameboy/ Advance
[] Gamecube
TOTAL so far: 13

[ ] Basketball hoop
[ ] Air hockey table
[ ] Pool table
[ ] Ping pong table
[ ] Fooseball table
TOTAL so far : 13

[x] Nightstand
[x] Stereo in bedroom
[] DVD player in bedroom
TOTAL so far: 15

[x] Job
[] Goes shopping at least once a week
[] Expensive cologne/perfume
[x] AIM/MSN
[x] Camera or phone
TOTAL so far: 18

[ ] Electric or gas scooter/motorcycle/car
[ ] Guitar/Drums/Bass guitar
[x] Piano/Keyboard
[] Any other instrument
[] Been on a cruise
[x] Traveled out of the province/state
[] Had a personal trainer
[x] Expensive jewellery
[x] Met a celebrity
TOTAL so far: 22

[x] Straightener/curling iron
[x] Have been to a batting cage
[] Have $100 on you right now
[] Credit card or atm card or debit card or bank card
[] Been to Europe
[] Been to NYC
[x] Been to LA
[] Been to Florida
[ ] Been to Las Vegas
[] Been to the Bahamas
[ ] Been to South America
TOTAL so far : 25

[x] Parents have a car
[ ] Jet Ski/boat
[ ] Camper
[x] Been to 5+ states in the US/ 3+ provinces in Canada
[x] 100+ buddies on facebook/myspace (I hate MySpace!)
TOTAL so far: 27

[x] Home cooked meal almost every day
[x] Been in a limo
[] Been in a helicopter
[ ] Own a camcorder
[] Own a laptop
TOTAL: 29

total =29
1-22 = Ghetto
23-33 = Average kid
34-44 = Spoiled
45+ = Upper Class snob

yikes i'm almost spoiled... good thing they didn't ask about stuff that would make me seem spoiled.
because i am spoiled okay?
my family spoils me because they think it makes up for the fact that they can't understand the way i work.
i don't need to be spoiled to be happy.
i just need them to try.
too bad they don't get that.
oh well.
it happens i guess.


In other news, I have been writing. Too bad you won't see that for a long time, if ever. But i'm getting close to being finished with a submittable piece of work.
I hate writing stuff and reviewing it over and over until i think it's perfect.
It takes too much time.
Holy mighty mouse, I just realized that I need to do lots of stuff soon.
And it's scary.
Oh well.
I'll have fun with it.
Maybe.
Inside i'm pretty hysterical.
As in running around freaking out hysterical.
Not so much running around crying my brains out.
I'm running on empty again... but i think the whole thing will pass as soon as my life stops running away with me...
Which is on the far side of never, but we'll see.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/13991298/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/13991298/ Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:09:29 PDT
Stuff has happened. I don't really want to discuss some of it.

In other news, last week I went college shopping. As odd as that sounds, it's true. It's not a visit, it's a shopping trip. Because your final goal with a visit is to eventually find one that you want to invest thousands of dollars into. Definitely constitutes shopping.

And tomorrow I get my senior pictures taken. I'm hoping that my awful skill at taking good pictures will pause itself temporarily so I can take pictures that are actually ones that I want to give to my family. Ones that I'm proud to see hanging in my grandparent's living room. But yeah.

Next comes the annual trip to my dad's girlfriend's cabin... already been a whole year. It's weird. Brianna's coming with me this year again, I hope. Fingers crossed. It will be weird if she doesn't, since she's come with us every single year. I'm hoping my dad's girlfriend's son comes along again this year with his friends, because his friends are interesting and close to my and Brianna's age.

I went to Warped tour this last weekend. It was FANTASMIC like it is. So satisfying. I like hanging with bands, and this year was no exception to this. I met a smaller band, one that was on the Hot Topic stage. They ROCK. Called The High Court, they hail from New Jersey. They just started off a year and a half ago. Crazy they made it this far so fast. My title this time is homage to two of their songs on their album... She'll Never Know, and Down In Flames. You should look them up.

Sorry. I'll stop my music pitching. Though I unintentionally do that every time I write, because most of my titles happen to be song lyrics/titles. Oh well. One last thought: the bassist has really pretty green eyes.

It's cool. I'm done.
Talk to ya later kids.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/13625339/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/13625339/ Thu, 05 Jul 2007 19:12:17 PDT
I have constantly been feeling bad about my lack of new works, and my lack of memory to bring said works from one house to the other to put them up, so finally when I wrote one here, I gave up and just said, okay then this goes on first. I actually wrote the one I just posted like 3 days ago, so it's actually current, unlike some of my works which were months, even years old by the time they got on here.

My cat blinks at you... and me, I guess. She likes being the center of attention, so pay her a mind's eye to satiate her. Okay, good.

For you, I shall update. My job is fantastic; I really do like working with kids. And it's not bad that there are workers there my age whom I don't mind... Some I enjoy more than others, but they all like me, so I can't complain.

My cat has just decided to go to sleep, she loves listening to my voice so much that she just drifts off. So adorably, I might add.

Continuing update: I've been too busy to even have time for myself, and it's okay since I like being busy. I really like being away though, which doesn't happen very often.

I love going to the cabin to get away, and unfortunately I haven't done enough of that yet, so I hope to get there more in the next month.

But enough of that. I hope to post more of my pieces after this weekend, when I finally remember to bring them over. So I'm not just saying it this time. Unlike last time... sorry about that by the way. I don't like being deceptive, unless it's on purpose. And that was definitely not on purpose.

Until next time...
~Elemental Mars Is Like Yolk~

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/12854760/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/12854760/ Sat, 05 May 2007 17:18:28 PDT
So I just wanted to let you know I've been a little pre-occupied and way too busy for even myself, and I will try to be on and working more often.

Right now, I'm kind of wondering about life, but not to the point of obsession, because I figure it's not worth it and someone gave me advice on that a long time ago...

And now I have more work to do since my mom just put my prom dress away and I hadn't finished making it easy for the dry cleaners to deal with it yet. I need to make sure it can be hung up and won't break and beads won't fly off. But no, my mom doesn't listen when I tell her these things. That woman has no sense.

My cat is baby-sitting me right now, too... Silly girl.

It's my favorite time of year right now, so my spirits have been high. I've got some cool stuff going on from now till the end of the school year (last day of school = my birthday = June 5) and hopefully throughout the summer.

It's pretty sweet, I guess.

Will have more work up soon... I hope.

Have fun with everything you do this week.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/11315914/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/11315914/ Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:39:24 PST
Here is a case in point: Tuesday, I was to go on a dinner thing with my mom's friend's son. I told one person, out of the frustration I was feeling because of it. I didn't want to go, seeing as I had no feelings for him and stuff like that. Well, this friend told another friend, who told another friend, who told another friend. Thankfully it temporarily stopped there. But, unfortunately that wasn't the last time. I was walking in the hall with my guy friend (whom I like and I'm fairly certain he likes me) after school, and the friend I told walks up and tells him: "Emlee's got a blind date tonight!" I felt him stiffen beside me, and I wanted to slap her. He tried to tease me a little bit, but mostly he was silent the rest of the time we walked together.
Okay, I would be alright with this except for the fact that he wouldn't talk to me at all yesterday, and refused to maintain eye contact. He dodged me too, so I couldn't even talk to him to tell him that I cancelled it, and that I felt awful that my friend was such a bitch. I was also planning on hinting at a date for us maybe, but obviously that didn't happen. So I tried to talk to him again today, but again he didn't want to talk to me, turning around when he saw me, or trying to stay at least 20 feet away from me at all times. He did, however, look me in the eye. But still. I was so mad. All I want to do is apologize and try to work things out but NO. Of course not. So now I'm stuck with both a failing friendship and a failing potential relationship. And that's just one of the things that have gone wrong.

The other I won't speak of because I'm sure it's going to work out eventually. And besides that, I don't know if I really want to tell people. So there.

But I'm happy. Even though I want to have my heart ripped out with an astonishingly sharp pair of surgical tongs, I'm happy. Don't hold me to that. And please, don't come to my house with surgical tongs. I won't let you rip my heart out.

In other news, work was cool. This one kid, a fifth grader, likes to torment me, but today he was a little nicer. It's like he knew I was feeling worn down. Yesterday was the same way, and I'm very glad he did that.

Well, anyhow, that was my life update. Make it a great day or not, the choice is kind of yours, if you try.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10628731/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10628731/ Sun, 05 Nov 2006 18:30:32 PST
Do you know the world? Have you seen it through the eyes of all? I maybe have... But who can say for certain?

I wish to inform you of your texture. It is delightful. Understand this as a compliment?

I am a lame girl. I have decided this. But it is a good thing that I have no sense of dismay over this. In fact, all I feel is AWESOME!
Because in reality, I'm dang frickin awesome. But I just don't feel that way right now.

Oh well. Bruhilda Garbonzo Reichter has taken my newest music selection hostage until the morn of Tues. I am saddened that my Red Jumpsuit Apparatus will be unemployable until then. I guess I'll have to survive on the love my Gym Class Heroes sacrifice in my name. Sigh.

Just accept me, okay? No I'm not that desperate. I'm just telling you I'm only random 100% of the time. It's not that bad. Entirely tolerable, sometimes.

Feel you the soul my body possesses? I don't think you do. It's pretty much the coolest thing you'll ever hear about. No big deal or anything. It's in there, trust me. It's just hiding.

Okay well... I need to announce the ending of this. Ending announced. Okay then.

Ta ta. Fare the world as you wish. And you... you live. You be awesome, just like me. Heh. Wow I'm pretty much dang.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10349945/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10349945/ Tue, 10 Oct 2006 16:45:12 PDT

Maybe it won't.


I don't know.

If life was meant to be strange, and unknown, now would be a good time to explain it. I'm very confused about things now, now that they are being thrown into my path. Though I pride myself upon my quick bounce-back reflexes, this will take some getting used to. It's not everyday that things go so well that the world has to throw a curve in.

Oh well... I'm sure that doesn't interest you.

What should is that... wait... nevermind. Nothing is really cool in my life right now.
Not even Brianna is.

I'm sorry I just wasted your life.

You know what you should do? Be awesome. Make a bead bracelet. Or a button bracelet. They are so cool. I made them this week at work.

Have fun.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10206594/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10206594/ Wed, 27 Sep 2006 17:36:47 PDT
And now I think you will read this.

Go.
Do it now.

Okay, well. I am insanely different right now. Like I'm happy again. It's been a while since that last happened. Usually it's just temporary, but it's been going on for about a month and a half. Which is nice because everyone loves a break from the sadness creeping from every corner.

I have a job now. I started working this week. It's really fun, I work with kids for two hours mon-friday until 5:30, so I get weekends and nights free to do whatever I so wish to do to waste my time.

I like the world right now. Even though every thing around me is going to hell, it's still good. Life is good. I'm living again, and that's the important part.

I've been trying not to think to hard about things, just let things happen and go from there. It has gotten me nowhere, so I changed.

It seems like the world starts falling into place when you aren't trying to make it do so. When you finally manage the day-to-day, then you get to experience the world in its niche. It's beautiful.

And that is what I have to tell you besides this:

Sit outside one day and watch the leaves fall. It's strangely calming, and you can feel life pulsing and dying around you. It's amazing.

Now go live.

]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10018671/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/10018671/ Sat, 09 Sep 2006 11:24:17 PDT
I know I'm odd. Deal with it.

Okay. So. Down to business.
I have now survived my first week of school. I hope that this year is a happier year for me, considering that there are some things that are not the same this year. Like the school population for example. There are a few people that I had a problem with last year, and they graduated, so no more of that silliness.

It's DJJD here. I went to the festivites both yesterday and the day before, and may even go today. Depends on who's going. Since it's like not even 70 degrees outside. I mostly go for the people.

My lips are chapped. I need to stop licking them and put on chapstick.

Brianna's German buddy comes today. I think I'm almost as excited as she is. I don't know why, I just am. I hope she's awesome.

I would like it if I was not bored. But I am. So that is why I am doing this.

But I need to get showered now. Thank you for paying mind to my terribly exciting life. ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/9654345/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/9654345/ Tue, 08 Aug 2006 19:40:15 PDT
I have no idea. I just wanted to get your attention.

But anyways... So I just got back from camping on Sunday. It was fun, I guess. I went with 15 of my family members. All on the paternal side. Oh I love that side. Gag me. But they weren't that bad on the trip. Or maybe I wasn't that bad. But I guess being the only ones I knew there will make the closeness factor become in friend-ish range. I was gone the 3rd through the 6th.

TODAY WAS LAURI'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Oh it was fun. We had her a suprise party. At least, I think it was a surprise. I hope so since we definitely put a lot of work into the fact that we wanted to keep it a secret. Oh well.

I leave on Thursday for another trip. I will be gone the 10th through the 13th. I am taking Brianna. It's kind of a tradition. It will be the third, and most likely last year of our tradition. Mostly since my dad is really mad at me and I think the punishment will be that Brianna can no longer go with me if I am even allowed to go at all next year. It will be my last year next year. Because the next year, I will be gone. Either exploring the country, or off setting up my dorm. Either way, I will not be around. But you didn't care about that.

So I'm kind of getting the AAAAHHHH stress of growing up again. Since now this year I have to do stuff which I am not looking forward to, including visiting colleges, taking my SAT, and deciding where I will apply to. It is frightening. But at least I kind of have my ideas of colleges I want to go to.

It's my dad's birthday tomorrow. I am still going through the constant phase of "I don't know you" with him. I didn't know what to get him, since we have a very sketchy relationship.

Since the explosiveness of the arguement on the last day of school and the not talking for two days, and then having an intense conversation where the truth (well, most of it) came out, I have been feeling like I am walking on eggshells with him. It's still in the raw stage. Which is hard, I mean, I'm sixteen. I need my mom AND my dad. Since I love him and all. He just hurts me a lot. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I just get sick of it. Since I'm supposed to count on him and all. But I can't. I just know he will cut me down again. It's just enough to make me the way I am. It's the trust thing. That's where that comes from. So now you know. I've never admitted that to anyone before.

But enough drama. I'm trying to get away from that. So, yeah.

Hey, so guess what? I am doing exciting things before school starts. One is kind of on the maybe side, so I won't mention it until it is solid. But Kels knows what it is. So yeah. ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/9504571/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/9504571/ Wed, 26 Jul 2006 19:15:21 PDT
Part 1: How I Came To Be

Were you a planned baby?:
yes

Were you the first?:
yes

Were your parents married when you were born?:
Yes

What is your birthday?:
June 5th, 1990.


Part 2: My Family

How would you describe your family?:
weird... awkward... some of them are extremely fake

Are your parents married, divorced or separated?
divorced

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?
oldest

What are your siblings’ names?
Anna and Rachel

Which parent do you get along with best?:
my mom

Do you have step parents?
No.

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?:
yes

Who are your good friends?:
oh you know... people. they know who they are.

Do you share the same interests?:
sometimes...

Which friend can you tell anything to?:
who do you think? well, if i can, they know it.

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?:
in some instances it's high, but some areas are extremely low.

Do you get depressed about things easily?:
only certain things that I have had in my life forever

Are you happy?:
well, that is a matter of who you are asking.

Do you live life to the fullest?
i sure hope i do... and if i don't, i surely will.


Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?:
i try not to care.

Any piercing:
ears

How do you dress?:
i wear clothes...

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?
oh yes. i was the strangest child i knew. i never really was just "one of the kids"

Who did you use to love that you no longer do?
um... can I keep that a secret?

Do you have the same friends?:
well, yeah of course.

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?
to become someone worthy of living. and hope to maintain that and be the coolest person I know. to make a name for myself. to make at least one person proud of me. lots of things.

Want to get married?:
yeah.


Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?:
i like outdoors only because you can think more peacefully outdoors.

What is your favorite season:
spring because things are growing and blooming and becoming whole again. they wake and be beautiful.

Favorite weather?:
i like either sunny with a slight strong breeze, or light rain, like a spring rain.

Do you like walking in the rain?:
well of course.

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?:
no.

What is your favorite food?:
i lovens the sketti ness of the world.

What is your favorite restaurant?:
i like my own food.

Are you a fussy eater?:
well, in some aspects yes, in others no.


Part 10: Relationships and Love

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?:
of course. it's a mixture of being scared to lose the person, but knowing that they could feel the same way. mostly it makes people complete. no one would be whole without love. they may think so, but it is not true.

Do you believe in love at first sight?:
i used to. i did fall in love at first sight once. but i don't believe in it anymore, since this kind of love isn't a love that is continuous or regular or has a solidity to it. i find that getting to know people is how i fall in love now. since i'm too scared of being sucked into that warp again. the one that i have never really gotten out of. ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/9209626/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/9209626/ Wed, 28 Jun 2006 11:32:03 PDT I'M A BUTTERFLY!!!!!!

yeah that's right, bitches.

you only wish you were as cool as I am.

that being said, I actually am pretty busy this week. I've been making myself busy. I volunteered to work at my church's Vacation Bible School. Whee. I have the same kids as last year though, so I'm actually pretty pleased with the whole thing. I just have to wake up at 7:30... and that makes me tired. Since I usually am not up until... well... 12:30... on a good day. But yeah.

I think I sleep too much. Either that or I'm just depressed. Since I don't go to sleep until 3 in the morning.

I also think that I think too much for my own good. I'm a little sad, but what can I do about it? Not that it matters anyways.

Does anyone know a way a body could get away?
No, but I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Don't mind me. I'm just too awesome for my own mind to handle. And maybe yours too. But that's beside the point. I don't make much sense lately, but I suppose it comes with the territory.

I'M SO BORED! COME, MY PRINCES AND PRINCESSES, TO THE LAND OF PONIES. FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come Robin, to the Bat Cave. Anyone want to go to Target with me? I'll go with people. Or downtown. JUST SAVE ME FROM MY MIND. Please. ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8852646/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8852646/ Tue, 23 May 2006 08:35:02 PDT
I wore makeup for the first time since... uh... well... maybe the 14th of April...? It was weird. My eyes looked woah! and green and stuff. It didn't come off in the shower, so now people have been telling me my eyes are green and why did they think they were blue? Someone even told me they were turquoise. Ah turquoise.
I'm so tired, but it was fun. I'm glad the experience went as smoothly as it did, considering the memories attached to that place in my mind. It's crazy.

But Marie is messing with the school keyboard so it replaces "dog" with "whore", "a" with "mattress", and "that" with "pat benatar is fucking gorgeous". I feel particularly regretful for the next person who uses that computer next. Now Christine has changed "the" to "toothpaste". YAY for messing up the computers! Someone did that with my computer one time, except they changed all the letters around. I was sad. But it happens. Eventually I got my search done. With the faulty setting. I know how to fix it now though, so I'll be better.
Now we're watching Hotel Ninja, a tribute to "That's My Haas". It's pretty cool... oh my god. Freaky. The secret word is... kidanrot.
Now "a" on Christine's computer is "crackerjack". Awesome.
Kidanrot, Marie has informed me, is tornadik backwards. Now the ninja's $5 bill was rejected from the pop machine.
Lisa was Dylan, Grace was Danl, Jini was in it, so was Matt, and Gus was the ninja in the shower. Marie filmed the "I want your babies" part when Gus actually said that. Yeah. ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8741275/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8741275/ Thu, 11 May 2006 15:10:42 PDT Random list. I don't know why, but I'm making it.

~ I am left handed
~ I am lazy
~ I can read 2 books a day (after school til 9 o clock)
~ I love math and the lowest score I've ever gotten was an 86% on tests
~ Every single time I see 'The Notebook', I cry
~ I just read an article about immigration in espanol
~ I hate seafood
~ I watch the news
~ I'm not going to finish my 50 pt project
~ I am the leader of a GBLTS alliance group at my school
~ I will end up working for the UN when I am older
~ I hate this town
~ I am neither a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl
~ When people point out bright lights, I ALWAYS look directly into them
~ I think I am the most boring and horribly lame person I know
~ I think that Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds is very attractive
~ I am in love with my old smelly shoes, even though I want new ones
~ I miss someone I've only met once... Tyler ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8407735/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8407735/ Sat, 08 Apr 2006 12:10:42 PDT
And that was something I don't tell people. But I was feeling ready to let it out, so I did. And this is what happened. And now it's out in the world, so I don't know what will happen. ]]> ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8151409/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8151409/ Mon, 13 Mar 2006 16:25:49 PST ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8139154/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8139154/ Sun, 12 Mar 2006 12:00:34 PST ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8103863/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8103863/ Wed, 08 Mar 2006 14:20:56 PST ~chosenlast http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8096951/ http://chosenlast.deviantart.com/journal/8096951/ Tue, 07 Mar 2006 18:56:01 PST
But now that you are bored to pieces, I must say that I adore my new fascination, which is my rainbow bead bracelet. I made it with my friend Brianna this weekend. We match. And they are officially the most awesome bracelets in the history of the universe. ]]> ~chosenlast