http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:citizenerased&section=today deviantART RSS for by:citizenerased en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 04 Dec 2009 06:38:23 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/11248376/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/11248376/ Sat, 30 Dec 2006 17:49:50 PST Ich sage dir es ist möglich heute Nacht den Mund deines Herzens so weit aufzureissen
dass es die Welt verschluckt
Meere werden deinen Hals hinabfliessen , Bruder.
Und wenn du deinen Durst stillen willst musst du nur noch
nur noch ein paar eisige Sterne hinterherschütten
Die Wärme deines Körpers wird sie zum schmelzen bringen denn dein Körper ist warm
Die , die etwas anderes behaupten
Wissen nur nicht in welche Richtung man ein Thermometer halten muss
um die gefühlte Temperatur
eines
noch deutlich schlagenden Herzens zu messen.
Diese deine Muskeln Bruder
die sind nicht taub und erschlafft
Zwischen Leben und Nicht mehr Leben klafft ein riesig weiter Riss den sie mit ihren Bibelversen , mit ihren Muttersorgen über den verlorenen Sohn , mit ihrer filmisch inszenierten Trauer nicht auffüllen können.
Ich schütte dir Farben hinein , Bruder.
Was du am Ende daraus erschaffst wird deines sein. Ich möchte keine Handschrift auf dich setzen wie ich das oft getan habe um den Verursacher von
Trauer in mir zu suchen
Allzuleicht verwischen wir Namen wenn wir sie nur mit Tinte und nicht mit Hoffnungslosigkeit und nicht mit echtem mit ehrlichem menschlichem Schmerz mit Freude schreiben lernen
Ich hätte nicht zur Schule gehen müssen , Bruder..
um deinen Namen schreiben zu können.
Ich hätte nichts lernen müssen in all den Jahren
ausser den Stift beiseite zu legen um manches zu sagen.
Manchmal klappt es eben nicht so wie man es sich wünscht.. wie ich dir damals oft erzählt habe als du fragtest wie ich so ewig viel schreiben kann und ob nicht die Augen davon müde werden
Müde werden sie ja , antwortete ich.
Aber dieser Stift ist in Wirklichkeit ein Mikrophon dass die verlorenen Stimmen in einem verdichtet und hörbar macht.
Hier, hör hin..
Ich bin mir nicht sicher ob ich das wirklich sagte
Ob ich das damals zu dir sagte denn was macht es für ein Unterschied ob das Leben sich in Erinnerungen oder in neugeschaffenen Momenten mit dir weiterhin abspielt.
Ob es nun real ist oder nicht.. ist das tatsächlich so wichtig?
Ich kann mich mit meinem Körper entschuldigungen.
Meine ständige Erinnerungen dass manche Dinge sich einprägen und andere nicht.
Mein Karteiregister von allem dagewesenen.
Du hast deinen abgelegt und kannst ihn nun nicht mehr schützend vor dich stellen.
Es liegt nicht an mir zu sagen welches der beiden Möglichkeiten besser ist.
Ein wenig Vertrauen zu diesem Körper habe ich verloren seitdem du weg bist , ja.
Ein Schutzschild ist es also nicht.Und auch nicht vollständig durchdrungen von fleischfarbigem Etwas.
Darunter liegt noch mehr dass durch einen kleinen umgelegten Knopf plötzlich ausgeschaltet werden kann.
Durch Nanosekunden ausgeschaltet werden.
Darum geht es aber gar nicht..
Siehst du was ich wieder tue , Bruder?
Ich verfalle in das sinnlose Aneinanderreihen wie ich früher oft gern tat wenn mir das klare Aussprechen von Dingen Kopfschmerzen bereitete.
Nicht einmal der Kopf regt sich nun , ich sage es dir ehrlich.
Mir ist fast schlecht wenn ich Worte an dich richte weil ich mich in schwindelnder Höhe bewege.
Hast du mit der Zeit überhaupt gelernt meine Worte zu verstehen ?
Vielleicht war ich doch überstürzt , habe dich ein wenig zu sehr in meine Wünsche eingetaucht und meine jetzt du kannst all dies nachvollziehen.
Mir ist schlecht , Bruder.
Nur vom Tippen wird mir schwindlig obwohl es nicht mal raues Papier unter den Fingerkuppen gibt dass mich an deine Haut erinnert wenn es draussen kalt wurde und dir die eisige Luft die Feuchtigkeit entzog.
Raue Handflächen hattest du , glaube ich. Obwohl du doch nie in ein Alter gekommen bist wo man sagen könnte : Das kommt vom vielen Arbeiten.
Raue Handflächen von dem langjährigen Versuch das Leben irgendwie halten zu können.
Das wäre vielleicht eine angemessene Erklärung.

Worte finden ihren Weg..auf so einer sinnlosen Seite wie dieser hier oder nicht.
Es ist vollkommen egal , nicht wahr ?
Ich könnte alles auch noch einmal wo anders sagen.. es hätte die gleiche Bedeutung oder vielleicht auch gar keine.Darüber kann ich kein Urteil bilden.
Würde ich noch an "wenn" Sätzen klammern wie früher würde ich jetzt mehr empfinden bei den Worten..
Jetzt wärst du

]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5444186/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5444186/ Tue, 24 May 2005 01:05:50 PDT dissolving this account and
sweeping all the poems onto .. since .. lately most of my poetry is happening right there .. with all the pictures

Whenever I post a picture , a poem comes right with it so..



What do you think?

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5434100/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5434100/ Sun, 22 May 2005 22:49:45 PDT many many pictures
on my photo account


now..
I am tired

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5406517/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5406517/ Thu, 19 May 2005 20:30:52 PDT
citizenerased has 11,513 pageviews total and her 10 deviations were viewed 2,006 times. She watches 57 people, while 159 people watch her.

Overall, her deviations received 180 comments and were added to deviants' favourites 68 times, while she commented 1,453 times, making about 2.02 comments per day since she joined DA. This means that she gave 81 comments for every 10 that she received.

Her deviation with the most comments is Are you hungry with 36 comments, receiving an average of 2.57 per day in the first 2 weeks, while her most favourited one is Innocent Voices, with 15 favourites, averaging 0.85 per day in the first 2 weeks. Her most viewed deviation is I killed our love today with 436 views.

4 favourites were given for every 10 comments.

Every 71.7 days she uploads a new deviation, and it's usually on a Wednesday, with 3 (30%) of her deviations.

Her busiest month was May 2005 with 3 (30%) of her deviations.

The majority of her deviations are uploaded to the Poetry gallery (9), while her favourite category was Old Poetry Structure > Emotional with 5 deviations.

Comments per deviation: 18
Favourites per deviation: 6.8
Views per deviation: 200.6
Comments per day: 0.25
Favourites per day: 0.09
Views per day: 2.79
Pageviews per day: 16.04


that just
overwhelmed me all these
numbers numbers
and wednesday is my busiest day
that's cool..
nice also , me uploading every 71 days
maybe I should have viewed once before I took 70 poems off from here
statistics are fun
(but only if your mind has played enough ,before.. mine did tonight..or this morning)


.. well
It's very early
I am preparing for sunrise

I feed teaspoons of love, well portionned
into me
and wait
wait

patiently

hope everyone is well

tomorrow I get my camera back

and can tiptoe through images again

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5353067/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5353067/ Wed, 18 May 2005 02:12:23 PDT [link]
is just breathtaking
I fell in love with her art





________________________________________ _____________________



People like Desmond Morris inspire me greatly. [link]
Not only has he been one of the most active scientists on human behaviour
but also I just found out that he has been painting surrealistic paintings for more than 50 years now. Having exhibited together with Joan Miro.
When I read such things .. about human beings who are active on so many fields I ..
really feel how my heartbeat accelerates and how parts of me are activated that were too long asleep.
It's like they fill up the fuel back in my engines and
want to make me hold on even more to the plans I have and to just
using the capacity of my existence to the fullest.

I spent this morning reading some articles on Evolutionary Psychology.
I think .. that is probably the most fitting category in which I want to work.It combines evolution with psychology , biology and neurophysiology.
Together with photojournalism that would be it.
I am so hungry for life . So very hungry for it now and hungry for what comes later that sometimes it paralizes me.
And that is bad I know but. Aslong as there are still these moments that mobilize all passive parts of me back to normal , the movement still continues.

I always thought having so many interests and not being able to specialize on anything will .. provide me quite a large range of problems in my upcoming life.
What job do you get when your life is poetry, drawing , photography , psychology, anthropology, astronomy ,theatre and so much more at the same time?
You feel actually a bit afraid to go specifically into one direction .
Afraid of losing sight of the rest.
And losing yourself parallel to that.


But reading about people like Desmond Morris who combine so much inside their life , encourages me I guess..

There's not that much left before I finish school.
Before I will, and this is more than sure , leave this city.
Sometimes it overwhelms me how fast time passes.
Usually my mind can make an eternity out of just one moment.
And then again a single year seems to pass in high speed.

But photojournalism would be it.
A role in which I
observe and yet am involved but only to a
degree where I do not really change the main action
I need something that flows , revolves changes
To inspire me further concerning poetry.

I remember this conversation with my uncle. Probably the first serious conversation with interest in my future life we ever had.
I know exactly he wasn't that satisfied with the answer that poetry is my life.
He believes I float on clouds that doesn't have anything to do with the life outside there.
But exactly that life is what inspires me.
I do not have to create artificial romantic realities to find my poetry.
It comes to me in the simple observing reacting breathing in this world.
In this reality
I do not filter it. Censor it . It slips into my eyeballs , further into my soul and from there on , the image itself decides what it becomes.
I do not write poetry to have some kind of power over something . For tiny acts of creations.
I write poetry to understand life.
Life writes into me.

I don't know. I feel excited about my life right now.
I have had a sort of depression (although it feels strange to use this prefixed word. probably it wasn't even what you would imagine under the word depression ) in the past weeks but I feel that it passes.

I feel excited about my upcoming life. I have no illusions , believe me .I've heard that accusation too often now , me breathing for poetry makes most persons of authority around me believe that I am in too large distance from real life. But I have no illusions.
My eyes widen when I see real life.
I have trained myself to see closer and closer what is there.
I feel like a child who has so many elements to play with
So many monsters to fight against.
I hope I will find out
about the essentials about my life
All I feel is that I won't regret.
Probably I won't even feel regret when I crawl upon the ground for some time . Or fly high for some time .
I am open for it.
I am open and life has shaped me . still shapes me to accept feelings and to let them become me ..regardless how hard or how much they might hurt sometimes.
I am glad I have chosen to live

I am glad I haven't chosen the option... ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5319173/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5319173/ Tue, 10 May 2005 09:55:19 PDT the feeling 25 seconds before you leave
something behind that had been laying heavy heavy inside your chest.. is overwhelming



-------
I inhale the air you exhale

I will collect the crumbs you left
from the love you fed
on last night for dinner
and lick them from my fingertips
I'll gently kiss
the chain around my neck and imagine
how it leads right back to your hand
and how infact I touch you in that very moment
indirect
but I touch you

I am
the sheet of paper in the typewriter of life and
these nights it smashes the keys heavily and nearly
smothers me with the letters it covers me in with the
feelings that hover in
the ink splattered upon me
I cannot recount
how many times I had to mount
out of the garbage can that life had thrown me in because it was
unsatisfied with
what it tried to write
I cannot recount how many times my life looked
into its own eyes these late nights
reflected in the coffee cup
trying to stop
its heartbeat by simple thought
trying
failing
trying
failing
So
The last words of my heart
as it woke up
outside of my body once again
and as it slung
the tightrope we had long walked upon
around itself
were
watch me liberate myself
but my heart
was never a great magician
it had mistakes the transition from
long years of paralization
to this state of acceleration you brought it into
with some
genious self made trick
Watch me liberate myself
said my heart ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5298097/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5298097/ Sat, 07 May 2005 23:33:57 PDT like a little girl tip-toeing through a secret
I know my life is changing in this very moment
it does all the time but not always is my mind awake enough to see feel hear smell taste it
like now
like now

This morning
this morning

and how the cold spring wind pushes my window open and
streams over my face entering the corners of my eyes and flushing through my
memories

come out and play says the wind
come out and play
and the way that it swirls through the leaves is just
a sweet promise
how it will
sweep through my hair

I feel like
being in touch with something that is bigger than
life itself


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5282969/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5282969/ Fri, 06 May 2005 09:04:13 PDT Every time I hear it it is as if
some invisible force presses
all the deep breaths I will take in the future
into me . into my throat . into me
It is as if
Someone plays harp songs
upon my
capillaries
it is as if
I rush through a subway tunnel
and all around me the faces of humans I have known humans that have died humans that have cried infront of me humans that have tried to reach me just
appear on the walls for a moment
Like fireworks
like firewokrs in a subway tunnel and I rush with highspeed and
at some point the rails are gone and I still move and I move above the city I have lived in for so long and the city that has lived inside me
and eaten all my inside
and drunken from the water in me for so many years now and then
I see myself flying over hills and mountains and highways and seas I
forgot to visit on a nice sunday ride and now I see them only
25 seconds before I die and I cannot touch them
and I see your face and I said we might not see each other tomorrow and now
I cannot touch you
This song kills me and it reminds me that on some day
the flesh will just fall off of my bones
my face that now is full of grimaces and sadness and happiness and love
will fall apart into
layers of skin
One day I am gone
I am
mortal I am mortal I am mortal
This song kills me it is like my
mind is sucking
on a
sour sour sour lemon for a short moment and realzation flashes into me just like
tears flesh as a normal reflection into the corner of my eyes and my temperature rises or falls into the very basement of my heart


sometimes it feels as if my heart tries to
run away from me

This song kills me

nova

RADIOHEAD-EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE

Everything, everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place
Right place

Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon
Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

Everything, everything, everything..
In its right place
In its right place
In its right place

There are two colours in my head
There are two colours in my head
What is that you try to say?
What was that you tried to say?
Tried to say.. tried to say..
To say.. to say.. to say...

Everything, everything, everything..
Everything in its right place
]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5264263/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5264263/ Wed, 04 May 2005 10:56:52 PDT love multiplied with
2
subtract past days frustrations add
a big smile that is so wide that it goes
over my face crossing the floor and right out of the door and into the world
and voila

my feeling
I am
glad to see you tomorrow , alchemist


I'll kiss some flower kisses into you

nova,

feeling much better ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5237102/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5237102/ Sun, 01 May 2005 10:06:16 PDT this feeling of
looking into the eye of a Nazi and knowing fully that he feels superior, that he laughs about the small gestures you might be able to bring up , that nothing , nothing in your simple glance or movement changes something about his thinking structure.
The feeling of fainting because you are .. in the body of a 17 years old girl and .. they might just run over you. And their feet and fists would talk what their tongues cant pronounce.
1st of May demonstrations in Nürnberg today.
Seeing the Nazis perfectly protected by the police in their
dominance evoking suits , with helmets , with their guns.
Perfectly protected. Fed by screams and calls of the masses of Anti fascists on the other side of the barrier.
Perfectly protected nazis with the police on their side.
With the police kicking an antifascist girl to the ground.Because? well. no because. Because she was in the way , that is it.
Perfectly protected Nazi dads petting their little blonde girls that dance around them while they raise their flags a bit higher.
Perfectly protected Nazis
every single on of them feeling at the highest of his powers because nobody can harm them. The state is literally on their side blocking any attacks.
Avoiding any escalations , of course.
But on the second hand, being a layer of dominance and force on the weak minds of
perfectly protected Nazis
who after the demonstrations disappear into their cars and maybe tomorrow back into their worksuit and back to work and back to social life.
And back to telling their little girls and boys what minorities are. What minorities mean. And how to treat them.



I know today was symbolic. And today was not without effects.
I just fear that the effects were .. rather on the side of the antifascists than of the Nazis themselves.
nothing, not even thoughts driven with screwdrivers into their heads, can alter them.

I know today had a meaning and yet.. I wonder why.. it takes a clear group , the anti fascists to stand up and not just any random human with a healthy mind..
and where their reflex is , their natural response .. suffocated by fear and the inactivity to get involved..

I know I .. have probably been just an incomplete observer of these events,
I know I haven't done anything
I know that my own understandment stops right here
and that I am trapped in this body of a 17 years old girl
not taken seriously..



nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5235555/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5235555/ Sun, 01 May 2005 04:43:01 PDT type in burn out syndrome into some search engine just to ensure that there is atleast one symptome I lack to have it

I don't know why these waves of heaviness come over me sometimes
I want to cry while I just push down keyboard keys as if I would play some dramatic piano song but I just push down keyboard keys


I am fulfilling the poet clichee quite lovely , no?

It is hot outside and .. spring is here and I


am burying my head


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5184846/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5184846/ Mon, 25 Apr 2005 10:58:57 PDT

You should.. go buy yourself a stethoscope
and keep it close
to your ears
for the days on which you forget
how your heartbeat sounds. and
wonder
whether it is . . still there




How he picks thoughts out of my mind like
a little boy would pick
sirupy sweeet
straw
berries out of a bowl

And how the rain right now collides with my
tired sleepy sleepy skin
trying to fall right through it
mix with my bloodstream
seawater right into my bloodstream
evaporated sweat from someone of the 6 billion people right into my blood
and what ever might be floating up there in the clouds
that filter it all
that collect it all like our eyelashes collect
the sweat and thoughts of a hard day

your eyelashes
like butterflyfeetagainstmycheeks

I have so much to do.. so much to study.. so much to do.. so many facts to press into my head with an imaginative hammer
so many reasons to dive all the way into a nice black pool of madness
but
magically enough
I am
dancing ballet right on the edge of this abyss
in a torn
ballet dress


I accidently cut my finger and dripped blood all over my school book today in class
In the middle of lining up facts and words and facts
fresh blood
drawing upon the white page
disturbing the image

interesting

I haven't slept last night
which means I missed a very lovely dream I think but
maybe dreams wait too
maybe they hide in this very moment..shh..just inside this room
under my bed
under my blanket
worked into
the fibre of it
oh oh
where are you ,dreams?


I saw "waking life" yesterday which is a fabulous movie
it knocked right at the very human human in me and said
wake up
start
floating and wondering again

some say.. oh .. lately I havent done enough exercise
oh lately
I havent went to church that often
now I have one of those lines too
oh lately. I havent wondered myself.. into a deep state of confusion enough
I need that
to remind myself that
I am a dustgrain

however .. one floating through sunrays. not the ones wiped off from old stuff.. no no..

I liked one line especially in the movie
"It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. Now you may get the 8-pack, you may get the 16-pack, but it's all in what you do with the crayons, the colors that you're given. And don't worry about drawing within the lines, or coloring outside the lines. I say, color outside the lines. You know what I mean? Color right off the page. Don't box me in! "

then again I could quote the entire movie

Or I could just redirect you to the screenplay [link]

all possibilities

a good song. by badly drawn boy

I am rambling

now now
look at the poor to do lists
hands in their hips
looking at me with
guilty-conscience-provoking eyes..

time to go

(oh.. I wish I could be like a spiderweb that
like the ones in nature collecting chrystal raindrops
would collect beautiful minds.. atleast one single moment exchanged with them.. I want to know.. so many souls out there.. as many as I can. Regardless whether I think the information and insight they contain is not worth too much time , in the first moment. that is nonsense .aslong as I am still a dustgrain (human) having insight into the life of a garbage man can give me the same as that of a professor. diversity baby.. I am.. hungry
for living)


nova

]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5183019/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5183019/ Mon, 25 Apr 2005 06:23:37 PDT
It all falls off from you

and you?

while they chit chat madly around your ears

you just walk through the sound waves or

skate away on imaginary ice that they have covered the ground in

Only 7 poems left now
from about 80


call it quite a diet

this is the rest that survived the digital madness

the others will find different ways to reach you


nova

]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5173164/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5173164/ Sun, 24 Apr 2005 03:59:15 PDT
It all falls off from you

and you?

while they chit chat madly around your ears

you just walk through the sound waves or

skate away on imaginary ice that they have covered the ground in

I feel better

]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5162994/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5162994/ Sat, 23 Apr 2005 14:39:54 PDT
Ok..
So.I'll leave my poems on here 7 days from now.
By next saturday I'll take them off deviantart.com



one morning
one cold spring morning like this
I'll pack all my poems into a suitcase and run away from here
maybe on the way I'd fall and the case would break open and all poems woul whirl around through the air and .. one would land infront of the red shoes of a little girl , the other in a puddle of mud , the other under the wheels of a car.
Maybe they will.But that's a risk I am willing to take
atleast they would be free.
This morning I am starting to free my poems from a website screen.

It's 8 a.m.
I am the first one awake in this house. as always
I always wake up earlier so .. the first moments of my day are completely
calm and not interrupted by anyone and just
useless or not .. whatever they are. they are mine

last night brought me back to who I am

thank you

Take care everyone

nova

]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5108439/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5108439/ Tue, 19 Apr 2005 10:30:49 PDT

my photography account is back up and alive
and breathing without interruptions so far
for the left part of my brain

nova





----------------------
Music : Bonobo - Terrapin

last night
with him and her


Songs like
seafairys dancing in your winebottle and you drink her voice her voice her voice and she
is silent for a moment and then sings on
and your ribs resonate
last night
I became a violin
And you played
along my spine

Wax spilled all over my wooden blue floor and
candle skelettons
but don't
mistake the wax for the fuel
it was the tension the tension the
inevitable tension with us three in this room
and walls that are too small for
our dimensions

I watched her in candlelight
her lips and her mind that had moved into her eyes to have a better view
I watched her hair and I saw
the wind dancing inside it

then
I saw you
I saw you closer
I felt you

and the bottles with their used ,worn out .. consumed bodies
us with our warm flesh
all it takes is us three
I love her as a companion and soulmate
and I love you as the personalization of love to me

It was good

I woke up this morning and the air was
cinnamon scented and the floor was
a blackboard on which
our skin wrote
on which our fingerprints still linger


days and nights that are bigger than the ones we are used to


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5085848/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5085848/ Thu, 14 Apr 2005 09:57:24 PDT games with me?


will you
be the light source
too?


I have
a lot of things to get done these days
some screws here and there
some glue
to fix my life and then
stick the fork through to see if its
well cooked yet

being 17
has only brought me headaches

but hey
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5057866/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/5057866/ Mon, 11 Apr 2005 06:21:41 PDT or more
Ive got my own internet connection back
bye bye net cafes
welcome back home baby

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4987013/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4987013/ Sun, 03 Apr 2005 10:57:41 PDT I carefully removed my fears from
my eyeballs they had been there too long
my fear of blindness
covered the images that were hungry for eating my soul for slipping into my
brain

I know there is a lot waiting for me
a lot of beautiful things
a lot of trouble , too
I know there is you waiting
and you will smile as if this is the first moment
of a new life
on a new earth in
an ancient me


tomorrow is monday
back to school
back to all that I have left unfinished
I am a bit
anxious
but hey

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4949029/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4949029/ Wed, 30 Mar 2005 03:16:54 PST then .. accidently they fell into my bloodstream
that's the point where you come in
that's the point where it was all about you

No sleep lately . No sleep at all. 3 hours in 4 nights.
Something is working in strange manners inside my body
and poetry? oh poetry is there.
is here
is me
but I have
thoughts. many and I need to
do something with them before they do something with me

However
in the past few days
I have taken 600 pictures

image carneval. image explosion . pictures pictures pictures

Isn't it lovely when you talk but have nothing to say?
this is a lifesign.. that.
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4818530/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4818530/ Tue, 15 Mar 2005 09:52:29 PST stamp collectors shop and
lingerie boutique and
an art gallery where each and every single picture costs 110 €
so I navigate my heart past the visible side of the moon
next to that horseheadshaped nebula
until I reach you
and say .. here ( hear) I am dear

funny how I need you ,really need you to activate my mind
(Remind me to wipe my fingerprints off of you)

Finally, awake
endless possibilities of what to do with your life
you could fill it into green bottles and take excessive sips from it each time before going to bed, very likely you could even just sleep your life away like I often do
sleep in a different sense of way. your eyes are open . your body interacts but your .. soul is trapped somewhere between your cheekbone and spine. trapped in your own body.

wie frischhaltefolie eben , so fühlt sich deine haut an. frischhaltefolie die viel zu dicht um dich herumgeschlungen wurde

I left from school earlier I just
felt I couldnt continue sitting apathetic there staring into a corner feeling less alive than a stonepile
then I walked home
I hoped I could just creep into bed on this perfect first spring day that my skin felt with temperatures above zero. I could just creep into my bed and start the day a second time
failed
failed

I tried reading books to fill my empty head
failed
I thought seriously about alcohol and how it could shake the stupid substances that cause this blockade in my braincells around a bit .demolition party.
failed

then your voice
your voice .. in cellphone quality and yet your voice
and I felt how my eyes started awakening


Right now my cheeks are glowing
life dances in me again. probably for limited time

I am at this internet cafe where all that seperates me from people passing by ,cutting through the evening air, is this glass screen.
funny. how I sit here like in an aquarium and outside people are walking by with shopping bags and heavy traffic rushes by
I am in an aquarium .yes
finally I can breathe again.


the theory was that I need you
well.. the practical part is I need you.


It's not necessarily a weakness not to be lonely..
and make your way alone through life
I certainly consider myself as one of those version of humans that just needs someone to be completed.
I cannot think of a better someone, dear.. not in any way


oh yes. I started writing german more frequently.
I have a camera again ( for restricted time.. ah) which means I can finally go on phototours.. oh .. oh..

and.. my current project. is to make my grandmother as happy as I can.
I dont know.. I consider that a real art project
I want to conversate with her .. distract her from her lonely thoughts. most of all I want to make her smile.
failed? no.. this time no I hope
the fear of losing humans without having said what needs to be said .. having given them the love they deserve.. will probably join me my entire life. thats ok . I learn .


and ..
I have to get a bit distanced from the thought that I need to know everything and perfectly understand my life at this age already
I make mistakes. I havent seen anything yet.
and from now to another now
are endless possibilities
sometimes I need to allow myself to be a simple biological sign of life.


funny how people passing by the glass screen.. are watching me. sometimes holding on to stare directly into my face
maybe they think .. hey.. she looks like in an aquarium
for a short short moment of time as I have eyecontact with them we share a little bit .. a few tiny seconds of this life... nice


hello world



how is everyone?
whether my life is of any interest to you or not..
I needed this
nova


AH!
I am shocked . my old online diary that documents the entire history of me writing etc. is back ! is not deleted! oh yes!

[link] click ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4718447/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4718447/ Thu, 03 Mar 2005 10:34:20 PST we could be together


there you were baring
inch after inch of your naked soul infront of my eyes
the curtains were pulled aside wide wide open let the world see this spectacle they wont understand anyhow and whisper something about strange humans
and how times have changed and how good it was back in the old days where skin was hidden
behind layers of textile where it couldnt do no harm
we should put life back into the prison where it belongs.. shh..
letting it walk out there freely..where it can attack you on open streets! isnt this ridiculous? last night ! yes last night life walked right up to me and it .. made my heart beat .. a shame . a shame .. when I was so close to forgetting I had one..

that is what they think . so let them think . I see their thoughts dissolve in the very moment that they are born. like fireworks. oh.. see them too?

no.. this between us is special
you said it after a very short time and I
had to agree . still do

all this about us is special
sometimes routine might try to make us believe that this is just like any other product of life.. but it isnt darling . .this is a masterpiece

I am working on : poems , exhibitions , smiles on my face , smiles on your face, evolving , reinventing , a drawing project , a photgraphy project



sands of time .. are lying .. on my chest
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4651365/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4651365/ Wed, 23 Feb 2005 06:35:52 PST something new started
something big
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4619354/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4619354/ Sat, 19 Feb 2005 03:10:56 PST and this is what you get back
This is a very angry entry, from yesterday night . written in some kind of bar. influenced by certain people who really hurt me last night. who really did.
One of those realization nights. And you know how it is when you write down 25 seconds after the first impulse comes. It is angry. you dont really mean it . But you need it.
This is for you "dearest friend" .. this is all for you.

-------
This is it darling,
The unnecessary falls off from you
like dead layers of skin that you
peel off when you are nervous
And at some point you forget that
your muscles already show underneath
I am not here
For fucks sake I am not
here This is a fucking mask parade
A competition who's mask is the prettiest , most polished
DELETE BUTTON FOR ALL OF YOU
I don't give a shit . I don't give a shit.
Delete button and I will fucking kick you
all not into your face. No that would be too easy
I will kick you all into the emotional centres of your brain
And just when you want to scream loud because of the pain
you will hold on for a moment and realize you don't even have one
There's nothing that can hurt you.
Nothing
And I will kick the numbness right into your consciousness
Fuck you. Take your superficially stable beating hearts and
put them into the refrigerator where they belong.
Fuck you.
Fuck the role you've given me you soulless bloodsucking
plastic dolls.
Fuck you who prefers the small talk laughter cause it gets the spotlight upon you much easier.
Fuck you who few moments before tells me "I really want to reveal my soul ". I really will.
It is much easier getting applause from them , no?
But this empty box is just
the package you motherfuckers
Yeah , ignore me. Ignore me and tell me you love me few seconds later
Just the package and you forgot the most essential
Just the fucking paper envelope and you forgot the letter inside
Slowly my mind awakes
and you believe I am sleeping
don't you, motherfuckers
While my eyes are wide open and you pat my head when you
walk by and I feel your fucking betrayal in each single touch
it screams from the pores of your skin
your real fingerprint.
And your powder soul that you blow
like fairy dust into everyones face
Into all the faces that want some.
Yeah , come and get some.
Right , go get used . Go get used.
And everything that you do not need to live this life
will fall off you like layers of loose clothes
Tenthousands of evenings more like these will come.
Where you hurt me. I know it. This is wildlife, baby
And I am ready for it. Here is my thick layer of protective skin
thick enough to resist you
paper thin enough to let emotions through when it is needed
And all that you do not need will fall off of you. I know.
And you will stand there
Naked and soaking wet in a pile of junk and you will be happy.
You will smile with your already weak teeth
weak from all the fucking fake caring hands that you already have bitten
all the hands that tried feeding you all the garbage they didnt need anymore
And you will be so at peace with yourself.
I am in a rush I know. And I won't stop now, no.I will not merely collect a few words and leave you with that.
This is my safe border. This is my barbwire, darling
And it will cut me just like
it will cut you.
But you will wonder why no blood flows.
And I will not join in your carneval parade you motherfuckers.
Right . Let me be angry . Just a phase .
Let me nearly break my bones as I kick against walls . Let me.
Pull my fucking hair out. Let me . Right . Let me.
And then tell me you love me , you motherfuckers
and wonder why the words feel like warm needles upon your tongue.

good night.
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4502006/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4502006/ Sat, 05 Feb 2005 08:57:35 PST will be completely pervaded by love and that love itself will stand in line upon your lips and push each single word out.
Oh and do you know how it is to wake up and feel , your lips still sucking the rests of beauty that overwhelmed you a few seconds before you fell asleep.
and how the bedsheets left a strange print upon your skin
And how this print is a perfect replacement for entire phrases.
For "how do you feel today?"
you would let your fingers run along them , and understand.
how you shape me darling.. yes.. how you shape me.
A bit absent the past days. I've been, very ill due to some kind of bacterial infection that decided to take over my heart and some other parts of me.
But the worst thing . contagious . this word. contagious and how it means lying in your bed and imagening what your sweetness might be doing right now. what he may be doing . how his hair falls into his face and. what makes his eyes widen.
It made me feel depressed for a moment to think that this is how it will very likely be like my entire life.. always spending a large amount of time in waiting rooms of various doctors and how pills will slide down my throat and how pain will always come in some kind of version.
And .. in this very feeling of self pity this incredible emotion was born.. so since a few days I am just pure happy in the most frantic and euphoric way.
in the evening times when we are out I dance over the streets .. why walk?
and when you call me I .. hop like a five years old to the phone .
And I smile so much. And I cannot explain. And in some moments I have doubts why I am this happy. This is human nature. We cannot keep ourselves from having doubts.
But by now. I am just happy.
Happy .. even if right now I take .various versions of medicine daily and pain wakes me up each morning. I am happy .
Life is absolutely irrational and makes no sense and I'd like to kiss it in this very moment just for that. For surprising me. For sticking out its tongue into my face just when I believe to comprehend.


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4418660/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4418660/ Wed, 26 Jan 2005 09:32:55 PST I like you most when you make no sense
when you fold your hands together and
pretend to have butterflies inside
And hold them really close to my eyes and say
ssh.. have a look !
have a look!


Today
I just felt it was so beautiful to live I was
standing right over the rooftops and
tiny snowflakes were blown onto the back of my neck and
the light felt so much like summer.
summer in wintertime
In this warm golden sunlight
I watched the icecovered city
happiness conserved for a life after death


tomorrow I'll send my german poems in to the competition
tonight I'll just feel in love
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4332439/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4332439/ Sun, 16 Jan 2005 06:14:23 PST So all I can do is thank you and say that. People like you make my life worth it.
Thanks..





Music : radiohead - amnesiac


To hear your solitary laughter
echo from the dirty bare walls
From the shivering naked walls
slammed directly into your face
sound waves slitting your throat in
a nanosecond and there you stand
with your opressed laughter
your few moments ago hysterical laughter
dripping down onto the floor
Just because there was nobody there
no body it could have spread into
Here is your contagious laughter
A fine self chosen slaughter
Hey,hey .. sir could you
donate me some eyelight?
I sold mine for
2 dollars 15 at some street corner last night.
Like poets who exchange their eyes
with a blank sheet of paper
on which they write
heartbroken interpretations
a signature
now that life guessed
what it's all about them
Hello , dear?
Could you donate me your heart?
Your fresh youngblood heart
your pulsing heart that doesn't fall
tenthousand miles down in your ribcage
each single day like mine does.
Flying dreams, eternally those flying dreams.
This is the story of a little girl whose
daddy threw her up
too high until she reached
the orbit and became a satellite
silently became a lost
astronaut
Now inhale, sweetness
One more last time before the air is gone
Nobody will do us harm , darling
we will fall asleep together.
Remember, I am more
I am the last consoling words
a mother whispers to the child holding on
to her hand
in a language that only mothers can speak
few seconds before
they greet death like an old awaited guest
That just didn't have a name yet.
But always a face.
I am the second.
Between their last word and the gunshot.
I am my mothers highspeed heartbeat
as she runs with me through dark shapeless forests
and flees from the country that eats its own citizens
with me wrapped safely in her arms.
I am my mothers eyes that read the warning sign
Do not trespass!
I am my mothers feet that flee over the bloodcovered grounds of my birthcountry
I am you.
Yes you as you , mount heavy steps when you come home from school and
the mirror reveals that your bright lovely eyes are
sinking deeper and deeper into your
eyesockets
like shipwrecks
Maybe excursions will visit the leftovers one day.
And now,
let's watch how routine dissects the bodies of
two lovers
with knife and fork
Let's watch the nighstky
Spread here upon the porcelain plate
Where's your hand ,dear?
Why isn't it, in mine anymore?
I am not,
trying to construct myself
depressive images
Don't get me wrong
I resonate earths voice
nothing more.
My veins, my bloodstreams are
the strings the seasons play upon
I do not just reflect.. no.. no
I see from a tiny modified angle
With a slightly different colour scheme
I am not here to :
- Just be
- Break the bread with my enemy
- Spread my wings and fly
- Live hard , die young
I am here and I
absorb all these fragments that life
catapults into me
Here I am
your sweet Miss Liberty
composing a lullaby with the rattling chains
she has secretely wrapped around her body
under her robe
Yes here
I am with my camouflage soul
With my own eyes looking at me
Carefully

Sometimes at night I feel like the bed I lie inside
Slowly swallows me. Know what I mean?
Eats me alive . Raw? Well yes but
flavoured with the delicious spicy ingredients
of my dreams
And sometimes I can
persuade the dreams not to end
I kiss them softly on their cheeks
I take their hand and place them softly upon my chest
Why do I always have to prove I am human?
Here I am playing
with these electrocables of
images the world has plugged into my brain.
Swallow.
While I sit here exposed to direct moonlight.
And the Afghan woman across
the street veiled in black
only eyes revealed
swiftly hushes through the door.
Methods to fight
the temptations of a body.
See, dear mother nature, all the things we have already tried to make you less
seducing
And here you are still,
knowing exactly how to e... ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4258998/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4258998/ Fri, 07 Jan 2005 02:02:55 PST where the weather happens
lesson number one
in geography
our skin is
where our poetry happens
errr..wrong
I am tired of
creating poetic explosions on the surface
hovering a few inches over my skin
I want them
right under my epidermis
right under all visible layers of human shell
I want them to
nearly kill me and wake me up at night
and..
in a panic
throw myself over my
floor just to find a piece of paper
begging the lines to wait.give me few moments more. just
3 seconds
and then
after it is done
after those
little demons rushed through my brain with trompets and
TNT
I will sit down and breathe heavily like an exhausted lover
hell yes
its nice not to .. always have control.
So even if these days .. poetry has been happening around me not in me
I shouldnt complain isnt it so?
right now
it's 10 a.m
I am at this internet cafe with
arabic letters on the side of each keyboard key
coded language
the last days could be
resumed as just
exhaling
slow motion soundtracks present
nova
slow pulse
But of course.
I think a lot.
I think yesterday night
I realized
I am.. actually only a human
when I am
in love
the rest , is waiting
imagening

Ok. It is friday
the thought that each day could be lived to its fullest makes me feel excited. Probably I wont manage but still . I want to try it.

beginning next week. Ill participate in several
poetry contests
Ill be sure to wrap. a warm scarf around my .. shivering nervous poems (the first one ever written on german.. )
and then send them out.. to be .. examined by foreign hands.

So.. I am not this .. depressed anymore about not really being able to write those .. flowetry outbreak poems.
some revolutions are silent.
time for renewal.

and however.. winter will pass too


hello and have a nice day
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4226532/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4226532/ Mon, 03 Jan 2005 04:58:15 PST on your chest from the inside just to check
whether you are still there. alive. whether you havent been scared away by
seeing yourself enter the new year covered in the sweat of last year and in
suggestions that your dear mind made to you
This year we will.. and this year we will
Fantastic. Walking home on open .. wet street. Not paying attention to cars
No cars anyhow
And watching .. empty bottles roll next to my feet in secret given rhythms
After the exchange that has been taking place
liquid against
the still visible trace of your lips
and how many
prints of them are now trapped in those
chrystal green bottles
that play games with sunlight.
So I walked my way
home.
Observed by some guy leaning out of this window
yes
I have survived this night
survived this night with memories that do not flow but rather crawl inside my brain
you know how it is.. of course you remember what happened.of course you do . you either dont want to or
its too late to remember
Memories arent always as sweet and nostalgic. you should just let them.. look at you for one moment
closely look at your face and let them go.say bye bye
When I came home after
new years eve had
painted nice little blue marks and spots upon my
body I took a bath
renaissance. In a small bathroom. some revolutions are silent.
I didnt think of anyone.
not even of myself
this is my body I said. this is just my body.
I feel like .. embracing something incredible .. a challenge maybe to .. make it sound adventurous. a dream maybe .. to make it sound poetic.
It`s strange to describe its like.. I am a bit shocked that. things are progressing . Evolving.
(I .. had not expected this)
I dont really think I noticed that it was midnight.
Fireworks in the corners of my eyes yes.
But I was having. A tea party with my subconscious .
And my body spread upon the floor. Colliding glasses.
Hello new year
hello nova
Want to start?
ok
Its strange to describe.
but the older I get
The closer to myself I get.. sounds.. typical I know
I feel.. I am getting more honest to myself.
I just feel it.
Oh. but I do know. That at midnight. I sent
kisses like sailing paper boats
through the heavy smoke filled sky
to all the lovely.. souls I have met
so far.


then..
yesterday night
was beyond my description.
I heard my voice
speak so honestly
to you
speak of what I believe without caring first how to pack it into words. just speak
speak without all that I wanted to say getting lost in between
dont ask me why sweetness but it feels like last night
is a landmark

whatever life does to me right now
it knows .. really knows how to touch me and hold me and breathe into me

I hope all of you
have a good new year
a good new little piece of you
a good new discovery in others
whatever it takes to make you live life.



take care
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4167528/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4167528/ Mon, 27 Dec 2004 07:48:36 PST was asking for you the entire night
Where you are and how you feel and
where your smile ends
once you smile
It ends in me
I said
In me and from there on
It spreads
My body imagined
pictures of you
Upon my shelves
Then it could.Stay still infront each of them
And softly say to itself
And this .. yes this is the boy whose
hands held me so tender
as if they had the most precious that exists
between his fingertips

This is a poets dream
you in perfect
unison with words and both of you
stream through my mouth
Oh.. and how you make me taste
each syllable of my poetry
And all of life
bleeds and feels and loves and dreams itself into me
into me



--

Uncounted nights of waking up. Sometimes around 4 a.m
or 6 a.m
A.m anyhow
automatic.
Rising from my bed.Grabbing my notebook
Pouring out lines.pages
and then falling asleep again
To wake up the next morning
with my hands moving over the paper
As if reading for the first time


Dearest. Because of you. poetry is nothing I write
it's something I am.

..
It's .. a kind of productive phase in my life right now
This morning I finished. Quite a large abstract drawing project
I have worked upon.
The past few days have been.. plastered with poetry. hastily scribbled ones. Paper poems.
most of all
I love
and that is about
the most beautiful way of self expression.


News from this side of the moon.

I hope everyone is well..

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4064105/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4064105/ Tue, 14 Dec 2004 08:36:43 PST
14.12 4 p.m
Outside notes

the moment when all that thinks inside of us.
Just feels.
This is a disfunction.
Probably the most suffocating shade of grey I have ever met in my life
And yet the colours seem so wideranged
Sometimes this is all it takes.
Getting off the bus before your actual destination.Not really knowing what expects you.
At the dock.
Infront of me the cold smooth surface of the lake.
The roaring of cars and screaming of seagulls as the only sound
I am alone. And overwhelmed
Reactions delayed. You didnt expect to find a type of beauty that could survive this sterile white light - did you?
And the more breathtaking it is.
Life is what you make it.So much for the ancient theory. here is the practical execution
Shrieking swarms of birds sailing over the water.
Only one glove. On the left hand
The one writing has the need to feel the cold surface of what it writes about.
I know its hard to learn the language of beauty when it changes vocabulary and accent so often.
It´s like the difference of being in love
With every new human that comes into your life
All the different versions it gets you in.
Only with time you really learn how to react
Something about these dead colours captivates me
Memories of dull summergreen leaves hover like accidentally appearing ghosts in between the tree branches
If one of those humans who decided to stay, perpetually outside my mind would be here now .. he'd probably ask me
What it is that I try to find here
And I would probably say
Just what there is to get
My numb fingertips are excited
(taking a sip from every emotion , every image available. Plastering it over the ones before)
too hectic to wipe them off
And thats exactly what makes me love it
My soul. when it looks at me with its
Dark shadows under its eyes and its
Often practiced but never really achieved childrens smile
how it looks like.. in those moments
This is a type of gray that goes skin deep.
And humans moving soundlessly around the lake seem like fata morganas.
I feel exactly in the right place
And dirty white swane
float next to me
In the magma coloured water
At the same time.The incredible sharpness of everything
Not spoken of visual quality
But more emotionally meant
To see clearly. What there is . Just what there is.
And not ask for more.Not even think of asking for more.
And me
As a side effect.
A detail.
On a bench , a few inches seperate me from the icecold water
Watching. Just watching .
This time
I didnt say
Tomorrow I will
This time I didnt say anything.

I am..
so.. thankful to be alive.


nova



--
you know. I am rethinking the whole poetry or not poetry submit issue Ive been speaking of in the last entry.
I just want to let you know ( and this includes a little bit presenting you a more dilapidated facade of nova than you might have expected)
that I am a bit confused with the whole "what to do with my poetry question" .. and very likely need your help. so yes.. ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4041647/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4041647/ Sat, 11 Dec 2004 10:44:18 PST I have to give.
Delicious. Tastes like steel
Everything seems to be circulating around it
I feel how it dominates my life these days. my aggressive sentences.. my violent reaction to almost everything. my heavy breath. like that of a dying animal.
I dont know how I could.. survive this in chronical versions. Imagine if this would join me for years. .. sunrise to sunset.
Funny how in extreme moments we have such a confidence
in the promising calmness of
a self chosen deaths hands sweeping over your cheek
somehow like your grandmothers hands.. somehow scary because of the difference.. but the same time .. the absolute symbol of safety
You feel.. the incredible desire to flee into its arms without even knowing. without even knowing.

at the same time.. my incredible longing .. for lifes fresh warmblooded fingertips..

I am not the one to choose.

This morning . This incredible pain.. The chainsaws in my head that have been
joining me for weeks now

finally left



--

Short announcement.

I.. will stop submitting poetry.

I feel the need. to save the rest. from digitally decaying. A short moment of holding on before I can continue.

You could.. help me very much if you could just. tell me which of .. these many many scribblings on here. you like most.
that would be .. something that would really help me. do something . cause that is my instinct right now.. do something


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4041585/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4041585/ Sat, 11 Dec 2004 10:35:11 PST
there? ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4017056/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/4017056/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 07:49:52 PST The metamorphosis of a kiss
how first your lips..seemed as dry as an ancient desert
until the tip of my tongue
decided to take a long walk along
the horizon of your halfopened mouth
(from which it hasnt returned yet)
This .. thrill that lies in the moment where you dont know whether .. to shout or shiver in silence
When all that rests inside you
cannot decide where up and down is
the metamorphosis of a kiss
when our language had suddenly changed
and words .. slipped from your lips to mine
directly. directly
the metamorphosis of a kiss
that sealed the realization that from this
moment on I would start to miss
you more and more each day

----
I dont just walk. no .. today I smile my entire way to school.different types of movement.
euphoria.fresh.I walk with a smile that has a copyright sign with your name in the left corner.
certainly I am a fool.but a fool in love.
So dont blame me for
feeling my own self more intensified than ever
suddenly the ghost has a skin.and this skin
feels the vibration inside the air when you speak
The sound of the streetcar hovering above the rails
is a dissonant violin orchestra today
and what
WHAT what
could they do against this version of happiness?
that is so liquid smooth that it slips outside the hands of those who try to control it
..


I have.. opened a little door that.. is in the .. left upper corner of.. what you first perceive of being in love. And it makes me realize. you can go..much deeper than you thought you could ever go.
my sweet secret doors.


I need your help.
I am planning
to do something with my poetry
whether convert it into music or try to publish or just. save it from digitally decaying
I want to do something so
could you just tell me which poem Ive got posted on here you like best. and like is for me translated into.. which one left you back kind of confused. kind of melancholic or just.. dreaming I .. dont know what it does to you. (if it does anything..)
That would be.. lovely
thanks already




nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3945043/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3945043/ Mon, 29 Nov 2004 05:27:47 PST For the first time
Reality
is more beautiful.

I see myself in the
sweet safe distance that only your soul could lure you in
I am
a human, a breathing organism made of
cells and
a few thoughts intertwined into the biological matter and
I live on a planet that is surrounded by about three asteroid belts ..
not in safe distance, now.
And yet.In the full realization that I am a grain of dust. I
feel like everything . I am the entire universe , full of destruction and creations and lightyears itself.
And yet nothing.
Paradox.
I feel as if , these days I do not end where my body ends but
like connected with invisible cords I float into everything around me
smoothly. sometimes
colliding . piercing.
I contemplate heavily. until I lose myself.
I feel the universe.And a few seconds later I
wonder what your lips are made of to
lure me each and every second in which I see them
Paradox
I feel .. in deep bond with everything and a few moments later I
stand infront of the mirror as if
a miracle had to happen. a neon sign blinking to realize that this is me.
I have the incredible. incredible strong need
to love
to fall apart
to love
to fall apart
these strong tides inside me.
The entire oceans inside me.
And all those who have already drowned inside it
In search of pearls
I still hear their souls whispering inside me
In search of pearls
and what they found was
too obscure.. the .. oxygen just disappeared.
I need to be loved. I need to be loved.
And now am I unfree because the word need is on my lips?
Or do I just liberate myself in confessing that I am not.. no I am not one of those who could perfectly live without it.
Cause there are.. too many .. too many things in my head that dont belong there.
I need to give. give them away.They would rot and decay in my own mind.. and bloom only when I find .. someone .. who might smile.. in the same moments like me. just that. and then I know .. then I know its in the right place.
Here.. take my free will the one who claimed it has me .. absolutely under control . Take it and see how it will dance if you .. promise it just a kiss.
Take it and see how .. its voice suddenly changes once it is alone.
This is something else.
This is about becoming from an idea.. into a human.And this is what I feel is taking place inside me these days.
I am becoming .. from a simple thought that was floating.. becoming human.
And it hurts . And its good . And I realize .I realize it got me.
And there.. yes nova .. theeeere is no way back.
There is a way from one trap into the other once you want to try it but no way back that you could go without reusing old thoughts and recycling love . And I dont want that.
And I dont even need that. See now I used that word differently.

Hmm.
This is a moment in which I realize.. that reality.. finally guessed my secret.
I am inside a tiny revolution. Let me tell you something that..
happened some days ago
When I crawled onto the rooftop at night
Like children tiptoeing through a secret.
I followed the steps
Silently my body that usually holds a ballroom of sounds inside.. noiseless.
My voice is too curious to listen.
Up up.Up to the rooftop.
Of the building I have lived in for so long now.
The same arrangement of doors until I reach the last floor.It feels like coming home again and again and again. As if every door could mean a different possibility.
The last floor. With the tiny round window. White dilapidated paint. And the lemon tree unchanged in the right corner.
but this is not where it ends. I look up and .. see another row of steps and finally . The darkbrown steel door.
Slowly I open it. The smell of wood . And within seconds I am filled with this incredible sound.
Hearing the nightclouds whisper. So softly. Just a few inches above my head. But I am not there yet.
First I walk. Through the first passage of the loft.
The darkbrown wood scarcely illuminated by a single lightbulb. That swings. Excitedly. Like my heart. Inside my ribcage. Like my heart that .. like a wild animal .. a carnivore held in cages too long .. realizes that there is still something left of it inside.
Shadows. All is full of shadows.
I still hold my breath.
Then I finally reach one of the windows and
as I expected
The moon , blurred by the condensation film on the window glass
Seen through the frame. Somehow like a portrait of a saint.
With no facial features at all. Only a dirty... ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3922003/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3922003/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 04:49:52 PST the overwhelming temptation to fall in love.
the unability to not fall in love.
this.. strange cycle.
Oh look darling our
souls seem to have left our bodies and are now dancing
on the rooftop where they take turns at
touching the sky
and once the sky glides down their fingers like
sweet sirup their tongues devour it all
I want us to be children again darling.
you and me
Lets close our eyes for a moment and imagine these eyes are still fascinated by .. long car rides and sitting in the back in the back where we watch the city reflect.. like.. a million tiny lighthouses
We are lost arent we? probably.. and we try to make out
north east and west and we try to make the best out of it

our bodies floating down
the river


please
be
honest
to me
one
moment

please
I need
to hear
the sound of it again



nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3890728/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3890728/ Mon, 22 Nov 2004 06:12:57 PST on the dustcovered ( and pulled with your finger into it your childhood dreams )stage of your existence and look
at the audience who
awaits your statement .. your logical reason for being and you just say
"I.. am happy"
and. first they wait a few moments they will
start to look at each other maybe
brush their hair out of their face to..
save some time and then
there comes that whispered "and ? and what more?"
nothing. Nothing more.
I am living this simple but complex version of happy that
gets even through the impermeable parts of you.

Lately. Reading one book after the other. Mostly by max frisch.
Interrupted . Between the lines I find. Pieces of me.
Collecting your own autobiography through someone elses mind.
quite interesting . sometimes it works.
we are all humans .. afterall. so why not.

I am tired of how we.. often reduce our own possibilites . limitate it just because. just because .. well . insert reason here.
I cannot find it.

I like. The way that this . beautiful version of a human I have found in my life. can surprise me or just .. overwhelm me each day anew. and you just stand there and think.. oh.. oh.. ok I didnt know this was possible. I didnt know it could get this intensive but.. you just taught me something else.
It's.. just beautiful.
Yeah.I know I talk very simple about it but
sometimes simplicity is enough for such complex emotions
when you just adore someone like I do right now.. then words lose a bit of their .. omnipotent meaning

hey.I love you guys.
thats.. about it
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3868840/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3868840/ Fri, 19 Nov 2004 05:50:12 PST every night
I see my own blood streaming

sleep has abandonned the safety it used to fill my mind with

safe is now.. when you are close to me

Life is talking to me , backwards these days
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3807150/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3807150/ Thu, 11 Nov 2004 05:17:51 PST the modern translation of survival.
and accidently.. childrens eyes.. that smile even if there is no reason. they save my days lately.
It has snowed in Nürnberg.
the older I get the more metaphors and interpretations and feelings I find for it. I am.. a collector.
This time. As I saw it mostly at nighttime.Leaning out of my window. shivering . shivering because I wanted the snow to kiss me directly upon my skin .. not through layers of textile. ice kisses upon my neck as I looked up to the sky.snowflakes only visible under the yellow streetlight.. this time it looked like rain falling in slowmotion.
There is.. a very special feeling inside me and it comes to life only when I see .. that certain colour that the sky takes when it snows.. violetblack somehow.
Then the sky whispers the loudest. whispers things like.. come.. sh.. come closer.

I try to use my eyes more carefully. Like a camera . Unusual perspectives lately.
Like the sun between my alchemists hair.
All for a reason.. cause my soul is.. travelling quite often on .. the path between brain and eyes these days.
Images have. such an influence on me.

It's winter. Winter already and the realization came in clear sharp versions when I .. was outside and inhaled deeply and felt that.. the air was just cold.. not filled with any fragrances anymore. There is no flower left to spread it.
winter air in my lungs.
Thoughts of summer .. like inhaled from an oxygen mask desperately placed onto my mouth.
The last breath of summer. One last awakening of the
butterflies inside me that have underestimated the now frozen stratosphere
and freeze as they fly
and I watch.Frozen butterflies fall onto the ground . shattered into bits as they collide. All in slow motion.

shh.. melancholy not intended.
happiness in winter just comes in more silent versions. softer.
hiding from the cold. the happiness hides itself deeper into you. it takes. a few seconds more to uncover it.
But its there.
Decorating your inside. With pictures from summer. with pictures from autumn. with pictures from life.

the streetcarride to school this morning.
some school girls studying last minute history lessons.
when historical events becomes memorizing lines out of your exercise books.
"Well I think I can keep it by now. Antisema.. antisemi..anti..well you know what that was.nevermind"

I write. I found out I never ever stop it. Sometimes the pen is just replaced by my voice and.. the paper by skin but.
I always write. Always lines in my head.

Ive been thinking a lot about my brother. no . not really thinking but just
an intensification of feelings for him. I am more thankful than ever.
of our bloodcells flowing .. in parallel times.
I love him. for all the happiness he embodies. for all the life filling him.
I .. dont know if I have ever met someone half as wise as him. half as curious for life.

and sometimes your anatomy changes.
thats when arms are wrapped around you.
and sometimes entire body parts feel like they have just recently awoken
lately my heart.

In my mind .. I always kiss my sweet alchemist goodnight.. in the few seconds before I fall asleep.
and take tiny fragments of him into my dreams.
then I see his eyes. and me inside them.
Every night a different me. The weak version . The violent version . The tender version . The wasted version . the blooming version of me. we take turns..

I dont know where I stand in my life right now. I am
so inside of it .. that I cannot take a look from outside.
Now I am here. and let me. discover just a bit before you ask me to describe.

I dont know .. what I will become .. But lately I have.. learned to know what I am.

poems .. thousands still waiting are crawling in my inside. flooding me.
I
am
in
love

and in some days.. It will be a year now that my brother Wen died.saying this sounds strange.
And I had to learn .. a different language to communicate with him.
And I had to learn a lot.
Yes. This is life. Mine atleast.

lately I would just like.. to tell everyone . hey. this is me. I am weak .. I .. ramble .. I wonder .. and I dont know everything . Accept me as I am .. let me be honest ..let me just be honest.

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3757893/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3757893/ Fri, 05 Nov 2004 05:08:05 PST plates colliding, chairs arranging
from sleep into another version of sleep
The city is cleaning up
leftover bloodspots from yesterday nights asphalt fights
About something trivial,not worth the mention
Perhaps not even worth the tension that shapes
the fragile architecture of human hands into blind fists
The city is cleaning up
Words
that were ..flooding slightly too much
dead corpses of words .. asphyxiated in the moment that they were
still thoughts
Shaping
not ready to be taken out of our mouths
not ready for daylight

I dont know at what state of living I have arrived
I survive my strange mind daily and thats a miracle given the conditions.
But I have to thank my.. sweetest alchemist for the daily transfusions of positivity.. right into my mind.
For making my life beautiful.
I am thankful for the people surrounding me
Regardless if they see me with open or closed eyes.

So here we are and we are searching.for something nameless.. something that can be felt only in the moment that you stop trying to explain.

I am happy. still. . even if .. the revolutions and changes in my life are.. a bit silent than before .. hardly visible. I am happy.
sometimes what you believe is a state of paralization is just a different type of motion.not visible.

and here is nürnberg. flooded with november sunlight.



dont expect too much from me.
right now..
my version of self expression is just
to love someone
and redefining myself in this process


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3725157/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3725157/ Mon, 01 Nov 2004 13:56:39 PST so.. slip into my eyeballs. for a moment


[link]

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3654082/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3654082/ Sat, 23 Oct 2004 07:45:36 PDT Let's live all of them - now.





before it : streetcar station 7: 40 p.m
my personal preparation for this night.reading my old green notebook
the bleached out ink handwriting
the strange realization that all those feelings and thoughts are part of my flesh and bones
somehow are mine.
A fragment of my present situation.Very likely something like the blueprint.
And leeet it rain into your tiny porcelain heart tonight girl
My highspeed heartbeat is too much for this asphalt to take
violentl like meteorites they fall onto the ground and the ground shakes
I feel like a little girl .. ready for a lesson.
no real stars tonight.only black and white photographs of them .. pinned to the sky as substitutes it seems.
a short circuit in the streetcarwires
funny how I stand here and hold my notebook with one hand like a lover holds his wife and now.. kissss


after :
And then you wake up the next morning.Alone . A few moments before sunrise.And last night you confessed your love several times. in the safe mask and guise of alcohol. Just to go sure that they dont take it too serious. so we met and threw ourselves over each other and catapulted messages directly into your subconscious mind .
thats how those bottles made us meet.
Neutralizing our senses and for one moment narcotisizing the rational mind .. that we sent out for a walk. go play mind . go out and play.
and then in the safety of our lack of perception we collide
all the hidden forms of tenderness
of certain facial expressions come and
I tell Lorena that I love her. I send my kisses over.. thousand faces
this thing here that considers itself a gathering but in reality is a mad circus where the dissolving gravity is the manege.
And then how my voice flew out of my mouth like a hord of exotic birds
Tenthousand tiny sparks were floating through the room and there we were with our numb tongues trying to catch them like
children catch snowflakes with open mouth
We had our limited time..
like kids in a fairy tale before the evil witch (in this case our mind) would wake up.
there we threw all our love confessions our i hate yous our whys our I know the truth at each others heads
And left when daylight. . when awakening.. came and approached us
intensification of feelings
subtraction of certain doubts..


wine bottle orchestra.

and how most of the time I was just thinking that

god.. I love my sweet alchimist. I love him dearly.

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3616628/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3616628/ Mon, 18 Oct 2004 06:48:33 PDT that unified our heartbeats
Saturday was truly amazing.I was.. with my sweet alchimist and two more friends of mine at "le classique abstrait.."
([link] , [link])
suddenly the old dream
became
something I could feel

Imagine classical music mixed with .. trip hop played in
a hall full of couches and couches full of humans and humans full of calmness
light flowers on the walls and
on one of them.. video clips
wind in trees
bare feet slowly stepping through water
Like being an embryo again
one that realizes the beautiful sounds around it

and our .. four skins. always close together
our bodywarmth radiating
stretched upon a red couch
as we just listened
and as raphael marionneau..such a beautiful version of human.. continued with his collection of sound beauty
and us .. lucky enough to have a look at it
I was so.. happy

And I wrote and wrote and .. my notebook smiled back at me
I wrote raphael a poem.. and then . before we left
gave it to him. folded. with no name
I said .. merci beaucoup pour cette merveilleuse nuit
and blew him a kiss
and left
lightweight my steps.lightweight.


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3596102/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3596102/ Fri, 15 Oct 2004 12:47:28 PDT Yesterday night I saw them
How they slipped out of our ribcage
so they can finally face each other
I didnt understand what they said

At first I didnt even know it was my heart and yours
but as I saw them shivering
pure electricity
its like never forgetting your mothers voice
regardless of years
Its like never forgetting the first tear you tasted the first love you wasted
the first ink letters that you smeared with wet fingers onto a piece of paper when you had secretely wished you could have written it upon her skin
But skin needs some time to understand.

I saw our two hearts as they watched stars or more
their reflection inside the lake that the rain had formed on the ground.

Tell the girl that you love her
tell her that you know her secret
of how she keeps the butterflies alive
through the winter
behind her ribcage.

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3570096/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3570096/ Tue, 12 Oct 2004 00:59:27 PDT

but now.first..to my dearest alchimist

I love you


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3298607/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3298607/ Mon, 06 Sep 2004 08:42:01 PDT
So.Back in germany.After one month in my homecountry.
Ive learned.so so many things.
Sometimes.returning to your roots .. is more than good for you.and for everything that comes.

I'll soon write down the notebook entries from my time there.

now.let me take another look around.now that I left home.and came here. ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3195097/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3195097/ Mon, 23 Aug 2004 12:08:08 PDT instead its more as if.. everything has sucked in black ink. the sky. the trees.me.
but while everything keeps the ink inside.
I cannot.. it slips outside of my fingers.into a pen.
I dont know where words will take me to.How can I know.
But I am willing to follow.or not willing but longing.

Romanian nights.
Social life.suddenly. This will leave me changed. completely. and I know it.

And I thought.it couldnt get more intensive.
Thought..

My eyes are stuffed with images.

and these wheels under me that.. take me to another place dont know anything about travelling.for these two hands of mine have..
visited so many different types of human skin now.. have walked on them.danced on them

and my hands are so.. eager for always telling.

romania nights.sleeping time at 6 a.m
romania nights and yellow streetlights but more important.. us ..
us.. a mixture of art and survival.. biology and spirit and.. here we are

and I am inside.wow.


Two more weeks left.
then it will be 5 weeks since I am here.

oh..



Most interesting is.. I will meet my sister.


imagine after 16 years meeting your sister.
maybe my father?
oh..dear illusions running wild.


I hope to have internet access again when I am back in germany.
I have about.. 300 pictures waiting to jump into your eyes..

words..not even to mention.


I am fine..I hope everyone else is..
taking his daily spoons of beauty..

love you all.

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3040706/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/3040706/ Wed, 04 Aug 2004 09:19:26 PDT [link] a lightswitch.on off.
right now I am in romania.back to your roots you could say.
Still feeling deeply wired to this country.more to these people.with all its decay and all its euphoric joy.. and all its survival tactics..rotting fassades ..and philosophic smiles.oh..
Staying here until september.
And now.now I may seem like completely floating away..but you never lose the really important things
so here I am .. remeeting my brother.and our twin .. siamese twin minds.

hope everyone is well

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2862024/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2862024/ Mon, 12 Jul 2004 06:45:21 PDT They tried to make our paths visible
Like they have done tenthousand times before
with the rotation of this planet
or with microcosmic little particles leaving traces as they collide in highspeed.
And it was ok with us.But then.. the day where we were the object of their science.That was a stupid thing to do.

There is a .. fresh layer of paint upon my skin since this morning and it is white and I cannot quite understand.
For I know exactly this sterile surface will dissolve.Will fight a terrible war against the colours under it.
Erruption.I am a planet.And there is magma in my veins.

Think of one thing.. All the raindrops crashing onto our head dear.. are tiny replicas of the oceans and seas.Think of it.
And every time the wind strikes our faces.. It carries the scent of tenthousand other skins within.Of foreign [link] an incredible mixture.
I always smile when I think that.. The same wind that has touched you, now crawls over me.
And the same sunlight that reaches me in 7 1/2 minutes.
Reaches you.

I feel in constant dialogue with this universe.
Only sometimes the line is blocked.Thats when I fold myself together.Like one of those tenthousand letters Ive written.. but never have sent.

Sometimes.Sometimes I forget myself and it is .. so releasing.
It is like breathing the purest air your lungs could consume.

I am not important.Not in any way.I am [link] even.
Gravity has not much influence on me.
But thats perfectly ok.

And sometimes.Sometimes I lose myself completely.Not like losing a key or losing a money bill or losing something that you will or will not find again but more like
losing something you never really had.But has been too closely tied to yourself.
And Id rather have .. nothing than something in between.Id rather have this incredible nothing .

And now breaaaaaaaaathe yourself away
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2724473/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2724473/ Wed, 23 Jun 2004 03:48:54 PDT they became tiny fishes ..
Sometimes I feel that when I walk..It's not me moving .. but the buildings are.Like lanterns someone carries them by.

Still dont have my own access.Which should change.At some point.Of course.Cause disfunctional technology is no armaggedon .. of course. But I dont know when.

But I am still here.Like resistance fighters.I still am.

Tell me what dream you had..last night

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2618842/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2618842/ Wed, 09 Jun 2004 06:53:21 PDT It's been..about 4 months or so now without any internet access.Strange things.good things.like flying away from everything in highspeed until you land.. here.Somehow back.
Still not my own internet.I wish I could tell you any news but there are none..not technologically.
I know I will easily fall into oblivion with some people here.But that doesnt matter anymore.Its not about clinging on to every tiny fragment.
Its about those who are willing to see me beyond the screen.

The last few days were spent at rock im park.the music festival I might or might not have already said a few things about.Oh.three different [link] thousand hundred thousand beautiful faces.screaming and dancing my lungs out.
Slightly tired now.

Funny.its hard to come back here and say anything.
maybe Ive lost my citizenship in this place.

Nürnberg is hot.nova is floating.
I miss all of you..actually.
nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2460550/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2460550/ Wed, 19 May 2004 04:54:09 PDT But I'll tell you the truth,the temperature lied that night.
I'm weak today.Weak and very consumed.Lazy.I do not even keep my eyes completely open.Cause I see the lines even when they're closed.Addicion.
And I am.. a bit of a coward cause I dont even dare to stand up and take my notebook to the window.sit down and write about whoever or whatever comes my way.I used to do that ( do me a favour and never take that line into your vocabulary "I used to".)
As if Id hold a secret flashlight that I point to the people marching up and down in latenightwalks on the other street.But instead.Instead I am in my bed.Head pressed to the pillow.Watching the letters walk completely automatic.
Instead I am walking by , slowmotion,the exit sign .. of my childhood.
I miss slowpulseboys letters.
the black-ink-on-white rainbow.Not because they would bring him closer to me.not because I search for substitutes.Just because .. just because of their sweetness.
But I..miss you ,wordlessly.
This night I am afraid of any motion.I am stuck in a sort of ping pong game between my restless longing and my twisted fears.So I stand still. somewhere in the middle in between their two gravity fields.I dream of wanting more than just sleep.

Economy class.I feel heat.Someking of fever wave.The black spirals of my notebook holding the pages together.Its always spirals with me.Laughter came in from outside.Carried up the building by the warm air.Cascading laugther.Childrens laughter.Coming in the open window.Falling onto the floor.Where exploded in the middle of the classroom.
Doesnt take too long .. until the teacher stands up,she is carrying a blouse with roses.a massgrave of it.till she stands up slowly wanders to the winodow and closes it.Excludes the sounds.Textile roses.
The everame instruments in these rooms.We talk about duties and rights.Or she does.The gigantic monologues .The scattered pencils bags,erasers,rulers.Upon the desks.And not to forget.Our bodies.
My only luck is that Ill never live the life that they try to prepare for me.
Our desperate underoccupied fingers scribble pencil lines.Scratch covered tables.
But it cannot replace their longing for water , skin ,grass.
These hands want to feel . Not to copy dictated lines.And god .. these hands want to discover.But instead they wrap themselves around pencils and pens

The city is stuck inside of a cloud.
An invisible one.



Slowpulseboy,an official note this time.
could you please tell me what number I can reach you under?

Could you?

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2418008/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2418008/ Thu, 13 May 2004 01:11:57 PDT Strange,not to sit at home.at my own "screen". There are things however.that you get used to.
God..how is everyone?This seems like sending out messages in green glittering bottles that probably land on some lifeless island.
I am.Ok .. ok.Experiencing quite a lot lately in high doses.When it comes to human interractions.When it comes to exchanging fractions of me with fractions of someone else when.
When I redefine and recreate myself and find out there is no ultimate self.
When I am in the same old conflict of letting childhood go or keeping it alive,held by crutches.oh oh.
Yesterday however.Was feeling day.
And even the visual projections upon my eye were converted into feelings.I saw the wind in leaves,behind the glass of my window.But even more I could feel it.
And then I wrote something into my notebook with.Closed eyes and I could see each single word,each line shaping in my head.I could see with eyes closed.Oh..

How is everyone?
Nürnberg 14°C, cloudy
nova 200°,stormy

No no .I am not lost.Just.relocated.
So many poems I would like to see explode on the screen but Ill wait a bit.Yes Ill wait a bit.


So here . A lifesign.
Nova is alive.

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2295596/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2295596/ Sun, 25 Apr 2004 13:11:39 PDT
Still not my own internet access.But hey.I'm here.




I dream of the day where I can say.
This is the essence of nova speaking.Its me.Its me.
And not just its soft mumbles behind my tousand shells.

Hey.Hey.Today I love to be alive.
Strange to say it after last night I wished I could press myself so hard into the sheets of my bed that I become the sheets of my bed.

My honey saved me.my love saved me.Without that I even asked for it he just came along and wrapped me into our tenthousand spiderwebs floating loosely in the sun.

oh.its spring [link] the trees infront of my window carry deepgreen leaves.hundreds of them.
and the branches of my mind carry ten thousand dreams of you.

I love you so much,in this body.in this mind.


What the green notebook says recently:


24.04
today is saturday.today is actually just chewing upon the rests of yesterday.a latenightdinner for insomniacs.
Blue leather streetcar seats.
Maybe the same ones that we sat inside when we came back from the forest.
And I had leaves inside my hair.
And you had earth upon your skin.We were so pure.So pure.
Today it is so silent.Its not about not hearing sounds .. the air is full of them.but maybe inside me its so silent that it neutralizes all.
Does your visual perception of the world around you change with the years?suddenly details come into your eyes that yuo cannot remember to have noticed before.


Here I sit.In the middle of the city,downtooown.On the ground.While who knows how many people pass me by and look at me.
taking notes.A boy huntnig pidgenos.A girl hunting descriptions,by a bizarre twist of fate,the girl is me.
(and you,love me? .. wow..)

hehe.A woman just came and pressed a leaflet about depression and fighting it into my [link] the ingredients for depression are notebooks and a girl alone these days.nice.


- 24/4
Inside of the gothic cathedral.
To reduce the number of humans for a few moments.
this "house of god" is a house of humans who come in to marvel about their own tiny being.
I sit upon one of the wooden benches in the endless rows of empty ones.
Dissonant music [link] in oldfashioned thrillers.to announce an upcoming murder.
The notes stab the dead air inside [link].staaaab.
A little boy runs through the halls , for a nanoseconds butterflies seem to grow out of the heavy cold concrete stones of this ground.
If you.. need a church. Why not make earth to your church?What bigger church could there be?
Maybe you would handle it with more care.
But well.here's the atheist speaking.

oh.funny how all people move exactly the same way
If the dimensions of this church does that to them.why dont they do this on the streets.where they eyes could meet the sky.. or thousand other pairs of eyes.
why this careful . detail loving motion only here?funny.


--------------
hmm.. [link] miles to go before I sleep.



He makes my life life and not just an attempt.

hope everyone is fine.

nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2253400/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2253400/ Mon, 19 Apr 2004 04:37:55 PDT

I love you guys so much


I cannot leave you , you know.

the addiction to the screen or being limited to it.yes.
but not you.theres so much more to learn to discover to dream fro mall of you. ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2242137/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2242137/ Sat, 17 Apr 2004 12:05:41 PDT With a smile upon your face
These days I am on a special diet for I
feed myself memories
And I know it is a bad excuse.For not polishing my "me" today.
But I have felt strange inside the streets of this city.
And everytime I meet someone it is like
like standing infront of a blind man who is
looking at you
without seeing you
You are slightly irritated,insecure.Cause the gaze seems so intense.But he doesnt see you.
Because everytime I hear someone it's like taped voices spread from loudspeakers.
Wherever they might have been built into , the corners of these streets.
Paroles and speeches and greetings and how are you mrs.hermann today?

My hair is shorter now.And falls against my neck in curls.
My mother tells me I look like her.
I am the mirror that doesnt want to be one.

I love the sun , these days, but sometimes.My longing for a stormhaunted night where I stand outside wrapped in the white sheets of my bed,bare and with the certain stare that fills my iris when the clouds meet each other in load roars.. well sometimes my longing is so bad that I could cry.

Last night I thought I could see the universe,upon my ceiling.The nightsky slowly projected itself onto it.
And I saw the sunrise upon my ceiling.
Then the white layers of pain returned.

Sometimes I dream of a day where everything is upside down and I walk upon the sky and look at the ground above my head but..
If i. . want to escape..If I want to fly away?
no..no its better this way.

Sometimes I dream of my sweetness who
counts the cracks in my porcelain surface.
And lets his fingers run along them like tracing rivers on a map.

Words are created so easily.So easily it shocks me sometimes.I just press down these keyboard keys.H ISADJASDKDJSA. Compared to what fighting my fear to kiss someone for the first time was.. it's nothing.nothing.

I realized that I dont have to write.
I dont have to put numbers to my poems and wonder how I could publish books as fast as I can cause later nobody will care.

I write.. because.because I write.


I thought it was my responsibility to ..get us out of our current financial situation.in which our telephone our internet is switched off and bills are flying into our mailbox like strange demons sent out.and they always find their destination.always.
But I know we will make it.And I dont want to make it all into a job.
I dont want the circumstances to steal my childhood years.



I'll put up some new pictures upon the other account .Mainly self portraits anyhow.Why?
Cause these days.It's all inside of my mind.

hmm


I hope you all are doing well.
even if I am slowly forgotten on certain lists.
It doesnt matter.Let my name fade upon your pieces of paper.
Its the best thing that could happen.

I often wonder about the first humans who made those cavepaintings 20.000 years ago.
And how they didnt even write a name under it.A signature.
A sign of their identity.
Because it wasnt about who made it.It was about the meaning,the images they wante to capture beyond their lifetime.



nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2206380/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2206380/ Mon, 12 Apr 2004 13:15:49 PDT Sometimes I want to be more stupid than stupid clowns in a circus,you smile just out of pity.
sometimes I want to be more ridiculous than chocolate advertising on tv where little kids smile into the camera as if that bittersweetchocolatebar just saved their life.
and killed their teeth.
Sometimes I want to be more thoughtless than
Thoughtless thoughts are.
Sometimes I dont even want to be.Anything.

And this automatic email just gave me a nice warm greeting for my 17th birthday. I love it.
You know.Spam emails are just humans too.Confused amnesiac humans.aww.


and you know.
I exist only when I love.
The rest of time I just fold myself together and wait.


Yesterday was my birthday and I chased
my happiness down a rollercoaster.
And I held Lorenas hand in mine.
And we screamed out of synchrone lungs.

And so many eyes inside of mine
and all I hope is that .. it is never my words speaking.
But still me.

And I found out.Just a few seconds ago,that all that really is essential..

can be reduced
can be unified
in you

nova

---------------------------------------
And I .. will not be a slave anymore.
My old poems still captured my voice.And I will not try to stress it.I will just leave it that way.Read the old ones if you really want..They say more than these recent.ramblings.

But never forget that reading my poems just keep you back from doing something nice .all that my poems do is keeping you back.



rrrrrrrrrrun over my mind.Please.Invade it!




[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link] ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2185887/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2185887/ Fri, 09 Apr 2004 12:26:50 PDT The way it walks through me like the visitor of a gallery.
Who comes,armoured with a black pen.. and distorts all my paintings,drawings.
And draws a moustache on all my self portraits.
That's your sadness in me.And I feel it.
Sometimes I feel it so clealy.

1st April
It might likely be.That ants are crawling over me.
Sitting in the yard.Pretending there's sunlight on me.
And my eyes just follow the structure of the mosscovered wooden fence.
And this brick building I live in.
The bicycles and rotten red leaves in between them, in this yard.
And this dead tree over me,with its eversame branches throughout all seasons, that I talked to you about
And ants.might very likely be crawling over me.
My soul pretends to just be,but my brain loses itself in thoughts about whats essential about it.
shh..brain.shut up.

2. April
Those..thieves . They let the blood out of my body last night.
And dirty thoughts came creeping into my veins instead.
I imagined running along the rim of your coffee cup.
Waiting for the moment that your lips hit its porcelain surface.
And I could , secretely. Hold myself onto them.And finally reach the promised land.
Tiny lime green leaves.Suddenly have popped out of the branches, of the tree infront of my window.
Looking into my room.Observing me.With curious newborn eyes.
What's there new to find for them? I am here,as always.And I write.You letters.

3. April

It's funny how..we often dont know anything about the person we love.We know more about some .. rock stars background or life.But of the one we love..
But thats the beautiful part of it.The difference of what is essential to know about someone.
We just love them.May there be a valid reason or not.We just do.Without questionning them.
I love those moments.Where my mind stops asking me to describe.
Those moments in which my pen writes not just to leave some kind of trace of me back.
But just because it is .. too excited .. too overwhelmed to leave the ink dying inside.

6. April
On my way to pointless conversations
And heavy breath.I dont know where my glasses are.And more important is I dont know where my feelings are today.Those camouflage dressed treacherous things.
You and .. whose army?
Maybe they both have fled to the same place.
And my glasses gossips about my blurry vision when it comes to distance
and my emotions reply that it's nothing compared to my confusion when it comes to a special depth of feeling.
And they will understand each other perfectly.
These streetcar rides.They will stay a part of my life forever.
Its more than just transporting my body from one place to the other.Its all about.My mind thats hiding under this blue seat.Its all about the people that I silently and wordless-ly meet between all these stations.
And this streetcar takes me directly into a blackbluecloudy horizon.

7. April
They had the option.To come and break this glasshouse I am sitting in.but they decided to polish it , and let me starve inside of it instead.They thought they were doing me a favour.. by cleaning it most accurately.By adding nice mosaics to it.
To make my seperation from this world a bit more aesthetical.
And then you came,blood dripping from your fingertips..
you came and broke the glasshouse.
And they were.. shocked of such a brutal behaviour.
And I loved you..for it.

8th April
The night holds its breath and the pen
swings itself into new adventures.
God..sometimes I think this pen, and all that it writes..have a more exciting life than my own one.But I am not jealous.
The pen.this interior architect of my head.
And you.You.Cause the ink runs in streams down your way.
Claustrophobic.Still. Inside of my bed right now.
I think I never stoped being afraid of closing the door to my room.I always feel like terrible things could happen behind it.And I would find out only the next morning,slowly pulling the door open.
Nevermind.
I'll stand in line at the post office again tomorrow.To let this letter slip into various hands until it reaches you.And thats..quite something.

Internet should be back the upcoming days.Then again Ive said it more often.I just dont know if it will be back.With or without me , in this place.


Take care everyone
Ever wonder where the clouds run to,when they move so fast.over the sky.. hmm..


nova ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2143828/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2143828/ Sat, 03 Apr 2004 13:25:31 PST It's a curse.
No..not like our curse
Ours is a blessing.

The telephone company just cut it all off.
I know I will be the one who gets us out of this mess.

burn everything
that burns you

and all these pictures of you..

:citizenvisuelle:

I hope everyone is doing fine.

I uncovered this.. Few pages of a book I once started to write.
And continue it.
I've been getting in touch with a publisher in Berlin.
I know that I will be the one to get us out of this mess.

Cause a few days ago.I left the screen.
And he lead me.

nova


I am in this mood for writing a poem
But I'll see how many emotions more I can staple.Until it breaks out. ]]> ~citizenerased http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2100986/ http://citizenerased.deviantart.com/journal/2100986/ Sun, 28 Mar 2004 10:44:02 PST and I came in waves

And we came in
tiny rays of light that has never touched eyes before

Life wants us to live,isnt it so?
Isnt that the motif of all these wanderings?

Sorry,dear screen.For my absence.
And welcome.Dear life.For my presence.

I have moved.That's the reason.
You know.The entire ritual with packing boxes
full of your belongings
but this time not packing them into a truck
but burning them
cause I have moved
into a tiny space
next to the heart
of a boy
And there was no room for all those
other thick layers of skin
all the hidden versions of me
I let them peel off
And then..
I curled myself together
and moved
to live next to the heart of this boy
of this him
of him



I hope everyone is fine
Internet access still gone.
Writing from the house of "a friend"
Internet access still gone
and suddenly life is more intensive
cause it just came along
him
and took the train right into me




I hope you are all ok
Internet will be back only in the upcoming days.
But I am here.I am safe.So safe.

nova


and this will never be the same again
the notes
everything

I dont know yet Ive .. been having these discussions with my mind.About leaving deviantart.
sometimes you have to leave..

the cords were cut and now the black balloons fly
away ]]> ~citizenerased