http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:country47&section=today deviantART RSS for by:country47 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:32:55 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/28712366/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/28712366/ Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:21:07 PST
]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/28116491/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/28116491/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:10:38 PST
"Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being! - If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it."


all this feels strange and untrue
and I won't waste a minute
without you

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/27564285/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/27564285/ Sat, 03 Oct 2009 18:27:52 PDT
money - money is stressful.

I am downtown inside the belly of the concrete lion five days a week. I have developed an unfortunate love of skipping early classes, even if I'm downtown in time for them.

I am tired of overcast skies.

The distance chips away at me, but I am forever optimistic. Last night on skype I watched him say he loves me. Earlier tonight my mother invited him for thanksgiving dinner.

My problems - this too shall pass

the love, the love of my young life, is not passing. he is eternal.

(and is trying to get money together to come see me in december?)

those three words
are said too much
they're not enough

I don't know when
confused about how as well
just know that these things will never
change for us at all

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/26964620/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/26964620/ Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:43:51 PDT you know
you know




I love you



I loved you all along


and I forgive you -
for being away
for far too long

just hold on to me
and never let me go


(he is everything I need
that I never knew
I wanted)

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/26327530/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/26327530/ Sat, 01 Aug 2009 22:19:03 PDT it's written all over your face
you know you're my saving grace.


and the perfect day will be the day I crawl into bed at the end of it and find him next to me.

Love in all directions.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/25706366/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/25706366/ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 23:32:45 PDT
he lives 4000 miles away.

we're not really bothered about that right now.

that's what real love is, I think.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/25116324/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/25116324/ Wed, 03 Jun 2009 22:08:12 PDT
I'm over 5000 kilometres away. every day.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/24783988/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/24783988/ Sat, 16 May 2009 09:25:39 PDT
]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/21706310/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/21706310/ Thu, 27 Nov 2008 20:35:41 PST
love

love

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/21589532/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/21589532/ Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:29:52 PST
and I read that Sagittarians take their time when they've found someone they want to stick around with (which is against their romantic nature, apparently)

which could explain why I'm stopping to enjoy every moment
and why every time he looks at me that way time stops

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20765248/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20765248/ Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:24:08 PDT

andrew: and this one is called "Hot for Rachel,"
rachel: (surprised face)
andrew: nah, it's actually called "Hot for Teacher," .. but I was being situational


just a little bit awesome.

just a little bit.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20475408/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20475408/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:32:29 PDT maybe it'll
wash you away -
baby we're parallel
moving side by side but
the distance
is pure hell

maybe if it rains today
I can go left
you can go right
we could
we could
wash away
I would
if it felt right


but it
d
o
n
'
t

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20471573/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20471573/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:16:09 PDT just getting by -
and with all the shit you did to me
it's a miracle
I'm still alive




funerals suck.

the end.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20466143/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20466143/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 05:17:42 PDT
how about I be nothing?




ohhh beyonce, those words are tailor made to fill a gaping hole in my existence.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20436873/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/20436873/ Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:48:42 PDT we all wanna be famous
so go ahead and say what you
wanna say!

my uncle passed away 2 days ago - GOD it sucked. he was the one I would have brought The Guy to see .. you know that one relative you are going to bring The Person to? He was it. And now he's gone and The Guy is never going to have the chance to meet him, and nobody for the rest of time will ever understand how simply amazing and wonderful he was. All the little things we shared and all the memories I have of visiting him up north. God, it's all gone - it's wasted on nobody new, because I'll never find words to describe to a new person the things I went through with him (good things, for sure).

I've been celibate the past few months, and let me tell you - it's not all it's cracked up to be. Maybe I just haven't waited long enough for the spiritual epiphany, or maybe I'm using it as an excuse to not go out and meet new, interesting people.

I'm much too young to be talking like that.

All my friends have gone away to university and I opted to stay home for the year, working my tail off and living a relatively boring life in between. I need a hobby. Maybe next time you see me I'll be so buff it'll hurt, maybe I'll be an expert on renaissance art, who knows. I should sign up for a course, or volunteer, or something.

I was once content to always be alone but these days I've found it's not all it's cracked up to be (I see a pattern forming).

However, I need to be zen about it. Focus on being alone and enjoy it. Figure some of my shit out, maybe talk to my dad about that stunt he pulled last year in November. Seems like yesterday, I remember every detail. One cop drilling my mother while she looked grim in the kitchen, me sitting on the stairs with a bowl of soup wearing my bath robe and a towel on my head, another cop looking at me sympathetically and I was crying silently.

Seeeeems like yesterday - but then again, all my troubles seem farther away today. I feel like I can't reach out and touch anything anymore.

I need someone to come into my life who makes everyone else look like a mistake.

Rachel

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18817289/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18817289/ Fri, 13 Jun 2008 09:29:06 PDT
sometimes you just have to let loose and have fun and push every limit you can because if you don't, how can you say you lived?

I pushed some insane limits last night, prom after party?

woo boy.

and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I've realized the truth about romance - it's dead

and you know what?

I'm okay with that. I really am.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18778012/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18778012/ Wed, 11 Jun 2008 04:34:21 PDT when you don't know me
you don't know me
barely knew me then

don't call me baby
don't call me baby
anymore.

hey hey hey
walkin' away now
walkin' away now
baby

hey hey hey
walkin' away now
walkin' away now
baby

oh baby

don't call my number
and don't call me over
don't call me baby
anymore.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18762900/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18762900/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 08:54:06 PDT
all they do is let you down,
and use you,
and ABUSE you to no end,
and treat you like garbage

they treat you like the most unimporant piece of air you've ever encountered

is how they treat you

fuck them.

I've never felt more used.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18733960/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18733960/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 16:11:28 PDT they let it get away

ah, men suck.

(and not because of something in particular. just, in general)

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18717601/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18717601/ Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:45:42 PDT
people who can't spell.

also, I think one of my friends is in love with me. Again.

and I think I might be feeling similarly.

OH
NO

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18677146/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18677146/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 10:17:15 PDT I want a fire
to feel the burn in my desire
I want a man by my side
not a boy who runs and hides
are you gonna fight for me?
die for me?
live and breathe for me?
do you care for me?
cause if you don't then just LEAVE

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18621374/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18621374/ Mon, 02 Jun 2008 04:59:35 PDT [link]HX7ZSz9FVo

CANADIAN MUSIC = GOD

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18616087/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18616087/ Sun, 01 Jun 2008 19:06:23 PDT
"I wonder if you'd miss me
when I'm gone
it's come to this, release me
I leave before the dawn."


I am going to miss him so much. I loved him a lot, but he was such a bad friend. He didn't care near as much as I did. I can't have people like that in my life anymore.

Never cried so much in my life, guys.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18606508/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18606508/ Sun, 01 Jun 2008 08:45:23 PDT
I'm falling
to

pi e

c

... e


s

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18566694/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18566694/ Thu, 29 May 2008 19:47:55 PDT listens but doesn't believe
and leaves .. before she is left

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18507870/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18507870/ Mon, 26 May 2008 09:33:25 PDT but you don't regret a single day

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18496345/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18496345/ Sun, 25 May 2008 14:35:46 PDT got a tattoo of a heart on my shoulder
(henna)
and the sun was shining and the sky was blue and I was in the water, guys
I was right in the middle of a river
I was river-walking
for the first time in ages
and I was the happiest today I've been in ages and ages
happier, in fact

love

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18491337/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18491337/ Sun, 25 May 2008 08:47:46 PDT
me: hello.
seeley: hey whats up.
me: uh .. .. nothing?
seeley: so I was just wondering if you wanted to do something.
me: ... it's 12am, seeley.
seeley: yeah I know, I was just wondering.
me: umm .. can I take a rain check?
seeley: yeah sure.

....

me: so I guess I'll see ya later then
seeley: okay
me: bye -hangs up-

--

that boy's got it bad for me. goddamit!

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18469380/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18469380/ Fri, 23 May 2008 19:50:57 PDT here's to all the fall-aparts tonight
here's to every boy and girl who lost their mind
they let it get away you know
it's never too late
to start all over again


I am ridiculously tired right now. It's an impossible tired that's sort of seeping into my bones and making the spot right behind my eyelids the best place in the world to kick back and relax.

I was talking to Brendon earlier (finally!) before I went out with Melissa (our friday night vigil of girltime and driving around in the setting sunshine, very healthy stuff if you ask me), anyway the conversation went like this

me: ow, ow, ow
brendon: hi?
me: sorry, I just hit myself in the stomach with my camera. Don't ask.
brendon: -laughs-
me: how's life?
brendon: life is pretty good .. I might be coming down to visit .. I don't know when .. I'll have to check with my dad
me: okay! come down! please! I miss you!
brendon: -laughs- I miss you too
me: oh, OW
brendon: what?
me: I just kicked my bed by accident - hey did I tell you about the jungle mural I'm drawing on my wall?
brendon: yeah you did on MSN
me: oh..
brendon: fuck, I can't get these steaks apart, one second
-elevator music-
brendon: hey listen can I give you a ring later?
me: yeah sure! I might not be home but give me a try!

and here I am at home, almost 11PM, I just had such an incredibly long day for reasons that are currently unavailable to me, and I realized half an hour ago that it's Brendon, it's Friday night, he is probably out getting random ass and is definitely not interested in giving me a call back. Sigh. Haha. I wish he still lived four houses down. He is the only person in the world who makes me shy, and makes me want to be better, and knows the Whole Truth about me and who I am. I wish he could tell me about myself more often, but I freeze up when we're on the phone because, ah, best friend! How do I put "I love you so much, I wish you were still close," into words that are less sentimental?

Oh - I don't



goodnight

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18414169/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18414169/ Tue, 20 May 2008 11:58:19 PDT AND I HAVEN'T SAID A WORD
...

AND THE STARS
THEY POINT TO THIS
...

LET ME EMBRACE YOU
WITH THIS KISS
AND TOGETHER
WE'LL
FLOAT
LIKE
ANGELS
TOGETHER
TOGETHER WE WILL FLOAT LIKE ANGELS
..

or, for the more discerning musical listener

DID I SEE TRUE BEAUTY TILL THIS NIGHT?
I'M SH-SH-SHAKING

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18358660/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18358660/ Fri, 16 May 2008 21:34:35 PDT like,
what if it isn't the real thing?
what if I'm just kidding myself like always?
what if I'm just making it as real as I want it to be for the sake of not getting hurt constantly
what if I don't know how to give up?
what if everything has changed?
what if he's NOT thinking of me?
what if I don't cross his mind half as much as he crosses mine (which, to be honest, isn't like every single second of every single day)?
I'm paranoid!
and it feels so old but at the same time it's so new
every single time it's new!
we talk out of the blue, out of nowhere, after what seems like YEARS of NOT TALKING and suddenly I'm hooked and I need another dose and all I want to do is pick up my phone right now, 12:30AM and call him up but he won't be home!
which is another problem all in itself!
what if he's out getting strange crazy ass right now?
what if he doesn't give a shit whether or not I try to contact him?
what if, after all this time, it's a glorified booty call?

then again,
what if he loves me?
and misses me?
and thinks of me?
and wants to be here

right

here

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18346404/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18346404/ Fri, 16 May 2008 04:10:45 PDT babe I know that it's your soul but could you bottle it up?
get down to the heart of it
no, that's my heart
you're shit out of your luck
don't make me tell you again
my love love love love
love love love love
only one thing I ever could need
only one good thing worth trying to be
and it's love
loove
loove
I do it for love
loove
loooove
I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts
with a delicate soul, I don't need to know much
except soon as you start to make room in your heart for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom in the garden of love
love
loove
loo-oove
I do it for love
loo-oove
loo-oove



there's nothing like coffee and apple slices before 8am.

today is going to be good.

life is what you make it, and today, I'm making it good.

(isn't it GREAT? isn't it GRAND? isn't it LOVELY?)

ps. tyson: I miss you.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18302072/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18302072/ Tue, 13 May 2008 08:52:21 PDT
]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18276721/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18276721/ Sun, 11 May 2008 16:19:23 PDT is that once you eat it
it's gone



lol

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18212182/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18212182/ Wed, 07 May 2008 13:35:04 PDT listens but doesn't believe
and
leaves before she is left

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18185139/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18185139/ Mon, 05 May 2008 17:28:37 PDT For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed


It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me

She is everything I needed
She is everything


pfffff ...

screw you.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18152433/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18152433/ Sat, 03 May 2008 17:07:35 PDT
I need out
I need out of where I am
I just .. cried! .. while turning my room inside out
and I don't cry
and my best friend says
"I think you're in a funk,
you'll be fine in a few days,"
and I say
I've been crying for two weeks straight
and she doesn't know how to reply

then don't

I am unhappy

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18028173/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18028173/ Fri, 25 Apr 2008 19:20:35 PDT
]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18026448/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18026448/ Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:17:06 PDT you're so dreadful
and still you are
my everything

my hands are too small
for these strings
afraid I'll break them
before my fingers start to bleed

I am no angel
stop looking for my wings
I am callous
and I theaten everything

I don't want to be
a murderer

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18011589/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/18011589/ Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:46:13 PDT am having a bad night

I'm having a bad night

yes. I am.

I just took some photos but I don't even want to do anything with them, I don't want to edit them until I look like plastic wrap, I don't want to make myself an angel when I feel like there's a hole of nothing opening up inside me

nights like this will only get worse as time goes on, but in the end I'll come out stronger and that is the main thing.

that is
the
MAIN '
thing

I feel so out of it, so tired, so cold.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up super early so we can chat - can we chat? I don't know what's up, what's going on, where you've been

what dreams may come

I'm so tired, I'm so goddamn tired, and I miss the feeling of arms around me. Tonight is a quiet night and I feel like everything I did today was a waste of time. I'm this close to doing my Law homework which would be just sad.

god

take me take me take me away

how badly how awesomely how hugely I wish I could open up my mouth and tell you everything, but then I realize you are eons away and it breaks my heart

breaks it clean in two

that you're not here

and yes! yes! yes! party because something awesome happened to you, and it makes me smile because I am inexplicably proud of you and I'm so happy something good happened to you!

nevermind all this sadness,
seriously,
because I love you
and if I can't be happy with myself right now, then at least I can be happy about you
I am ALWAYS happy about you

wonder wonder wonder
love

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17871903/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17871903/ Tue, 15 Apr 2008 20:40:53 PDT
I wish I had five thousand bucks.
and a beach chair
perhaps some matches
candles, absolutely
bath robe
three identical t shirts (white and billabong, upstairs)
matching underwear
a tan
something interesting to talk about
a book about the stars
a camcorder, handheld, nothing ridiculously huge
a hairbrush! (god, I forgot one once, horrible)
my contacts & my glasses
a really scintillatingly awesome novel
a tiny bikini
sandals, nice ones
my prom dress, for kicks and jokes
some dice and cards
diabetes shit
saltine crackers
aviator shades
a canadian flag stitched on my pants
oh, slinky lingerie. for fun.
handcuffs?
(NO.)
my guitar
an ipod for the ride
a pillow
ONE hair tie (to teach myself to value those damn things)
sixteen ice cubes (for reasons we will discuss later)
a book of poetry (shakespeare?)
sixty blank pieces of paper
and a BIC pen .. mm bic
paints
an eyelash curler
BLACK NAILPOLISH
courage
running shoes
and
a plane ticket

destination: adelaide

oh, and you
I would love you

(pf, you're one of the three people in the world who read these, and I write them ALL for you.)

love love love love ~

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17861699/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17861699/ Tue, 15 Apr 2008 09:03:30 PDT You delight me
And I know you're speaking of me

Fascinating new thing
Get beside me,
I want you to love me

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you

Fascinating new thing
Your scene-makin'
Want a temporary savior

Fascinating new thing
Don't betray them
By becoming familiar

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless yeah, you're precious
Even when you are not new.

Ah la la la la la la la la la
Ah la la la la la la la la la lah la laahh


I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless yeah, you're holy
Even when you are not new.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17834039/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17834039/ Sun, 13 Apr 2008 14:38:14 PDT
fill me in, I'm new at this whole thinking about things that aren't you process.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17818812/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17818812/ Sat, 12 Apr 2008 18:01:50 PDT I can barely breathe through my nose
I don't have a sense of taste because of my cold
my head hurts
I'm overtired
MY EAR HURTS LIKE A WHORE
I'm freezing cold
it's raining like SLEET outside
(the raindrops are really close together and coming down really really fast so it feels like you're having a bucket of water dumped on you)
and I just had to pass up two excellent plans for my evening because I came home from my sister's inlaws place specifically to get some rest

and all this is outweighed by the fact that earlier today I went with my sister to her 3D ultrasound and saw my niece alive and yawning and curling her fingers inside my sister's womb.

I have a niece.
I am going to physically hold my niece in two months.

and that is so fucking bomb .. and it's different from my nephew because I was so uninvolved in Holly's pregnancy that now he is alive I know I will barely see him even though I love him a lot

but with Meaghan I will hold that child and bathe her and nap with her on the couch when she is a little older and go for walks with her and hold her hand and take her out for icecream and have her over for sleepovers at my residence and watch her grow old and listen to her cry about boys and counsel her and listen to her voice on the phone when she's having a bad day and comfort her and have fun with her and introduce her to parts of life that nobody else would think to do and teach her things and hug her and have her and be a huge part of her life

and no love in the world compares to that

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17774258/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17774258/ Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:16:34 PDT
sometimes love
don't feel like it should
yeah
(dun dun)
it hurts so good

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17737464/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17737464/ Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:47:57 PDT
when it's late all I ever do is think of you
seems like it's been years!
has it?! already?!

miss miss miss miss
crush crush crush crush
l - ?

goodnight, long day behind me, long day ahead, and ahead, and ahead, until friday evening when emma and I go out to get plastered and pierced and prodded and poked and perforated until we resemble bubble wrap sent across a continent.

ohhh, subtlety, my old friend.

kiss me.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17713483/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17713483/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 10:40:14 PDT
rise apart
fall together

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17690850/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17690850/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:54:24 PDT one AM
clock tick tick tick
secrets
exchanging
tell me about this
that
the other
three glasses of water
downed
tired
grey lines from a gold ring
styrofoam box
metal fork
back neck pain
you are perfect
you are wonderful
never change

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17673431/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17673431/ Thu, 03 Apr 2008 19:24:05 PDT
and my blood sugars are still SHITTY

I don't even have the mindset anymore where I want to wake up and fix all these health problems

I want to crawl into bed and wake up tomorrow with a functioning pancreas and no fucking deficiencies

I'm so fucking tired
I feel like shit
fuck
fuck
fuck

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17664008/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17664008/ Thu, 03 Apr 2008 08:44:53 PDT
I have not written a new song on the guitar or any poetry in a very long time. I also haven't been drinking green tea nearly as often as usual and I haven't been drinking water nearly enough - I mean so says the doctor who took one look at underneath my eyes and said I was dehydrated without even realizing it.

ewww, my skin is like plastic.

took the day off to sleep in and sort out my head, it's in pieces strewn all over the place.

yesterday one of my preggo sisters popped and gave birth to a son, my nephew, named Logan.

(SIIICCCKKK)

my blood sugar is still crap, which is frustrating to even begin to think about so I'm going to stay off that topic if you don't mind.

my hair is in dreadlocks all over my head
left my soul upstairs in my bed

I have australia on my mind
(always)

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17620498/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17620498/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 04:31:28 PDT


riddle me this, diabetics.

I go to bed at 25.something, take all my usual insulin, you know, 32 Lantis, and a modified Humalog correction of 5 units, to get me downnn for the morning. I wake up .. let's see .. 8 hours later, and my BS is 21.6

aaahhhmmmm ..

PISSED.

No idea what's going on, maybe I really am sick, or maybe I'm just not doing my insulin in the right spots? I don't think I had a rebound during the night because I usually wake up when I go low, and I was up waayyy early today for about half an hour to finish up some homework and I didn't feel unwell when I got up - at least, not unwell enough to test.

So. Yeah. Update ya on that at the end of the day. I'm taking my kit to school with me today and my needle, as usual.

This had better solve itself because when at I was at my doctor's I told em, I said, I know what I have to do to get my a1c down. I KNOW. I'll do it, life has just been stressful lately.

Life ain't so stressful anymore
(in fact, I am glowing)
so what the hell is wrong with me?!

love
rachel

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17605456/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17605456/ Mon, 31 Mar 2008 12:26:05 PDT it's refreshing not to see
that I don't have to pretend
he doesn't expect it
from
me



]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17585424/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17585424/ Sun, 30 Mar 2008 07:50:18 PDT
not to mention psyched.

I never told him,
but he gave me a purpose, too.

something to work for

and it's a wonderful feeling
almost as wonderful as being told you're wonderful by the person you are head over heels crazy for.

almost

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17575487/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17575487/ Sat, 29 Mar 2008 15:06:57 PDT
I want to yell at my life

"what else ya got?"

because .. I think I've got it all sorted and I think I'm in control but then I hit a bump and I make a mountain out of the bump, the bump of course being just over 8000 kilometers, and the mountain being the endless stream of pissed off questioning tactics

it's like

you got something good great fucking wonderful
and then you have to fuck with it to make sure it's legitimate

I should be on a plane right now

(making it legitimate)

ra

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17552041/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17552041/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:02:43 PDT
I re-realized everything I used to know and still hadn't figured out about love, and what it is, and what it isn't, and I realized that my expectations are very high but that's where I should have them because I refuse to be disappointed again.

I broke up with my ex boyfriend after eight months and I had no idea who he was as a human being .. we had our moments, we held hands, we whispered promises tiredly into eachother's ears, we made love, we hoped for the future, we made plans, but we didn't KNOW eachother. We knew fun facts, we knew figures, we knew equations but we never got to the heart and soul of one another - now I see him in the halls and think, "Who is this person I was so close to for such a long time?"

Next time - there will be a next time, but no time soon because I don't want that for myself right now - it will be not serious so fast, I will not stop being fun and getting dressed up to see him, I will not tolerate idiotic statements based on pride, I will not tolerate self-obsession by any means, I will expect the world from whoever it is next time, and I'll give them the world back if they so choose to give theirs up first.

I am so tired of being broken and hit and thrown around and baffled and upset.

My New Year's Resolution was to stop crying, to not cry so much, to be more happy, and in the months after New Years I cried more than I ever have in my life = and all over some STUPID BOY.

I am an idiot, I've behaved like an idiot, I've devoted my life to someone who doesn't deserve me and after four months was waning in my attentions.

I am never in my life going to give myself to someone who will take me and abuse me the way he did. Abuse my SOUL and my PURPOSE the way he did.

The way ANY of them did.

I may never get married and have children and live the American Dream with the white picket fence, but I will be happy.

I will be happy.

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17525101/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17525101/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:05:08 PDT
So this is what night is for, she thought, this is what arms are for. This is why that window is there, why people sleep at night, why they lie beside each other, what life is.

This was the point.

She split out of the world with him and everything around them became something sealing off the two of them with no time in it and no endings and no loss of worry.

She was full.

She set herself back against him very slowly and was silent for a while then turned and touched his face like an explorer with an archaeological find and kissed him and lay back again. The great thing was happening to her. She looked up and saw the white painted rafters showing up in the darkness and smelled the wet rope in the corners and saw the pointed flags hanging against the windows in the pitched roof.

Her mind spread evenly over everything.

Falling falling nothing had ever sounded like that

falling in love."

- Susan Minot, Evening

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17520334/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17520334/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:56:12 PDT
yeah

I'm just sitting here breathing and every breath takes me higher and closer to content

and that whole conversation, face to face or otherwise, is going to freak me out

not that I'm uncool about that, to the contrary, it just wasn't what I expected

I guess that's half the fun

and I want him.
you know?
I do
x

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17508114/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17508114/ Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:35:44 PDT
Ryerson University
Yorke University

God, I cannot BELIEVE I got into Ryerson - the portfolio I submitted was possibly the shittiest short film you've ever seen - and Yorke? YORKE? One of the hardest schools to get into in Ontario?!

EYO!

I have to defer both of these acceptances for a year but OMFG, I can't even believe I got in!

This is quite possibly the best feeling in the WORLD!!!

just wanted to share it with everyone!!

much love
brainer

:d

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17495820/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17495820/ Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:11:44 PDT
I can do an english accent, I enjoy corsets immensely, I am diverse, I love housework, I love getting dressed up and dancing, and I love being outdoors in a dress. Yeah. Okay, sign me up somewhere.

Of course the whole repression of women bit sucks, but I would deal with that in a Jane Austen sort of way

heh, okay.

Oh, and today I noticed that my vibrator has an Industrial battery in it.

I think that says a lot about me as a person.

(ps. shakespearean aside for you: I almost wrote Insutralia, yeah, I'm nuts)

love

]]> ~country47 http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17489517/ http://country47.deviantart.com/journal/17489517/ Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:40:34 PDT
yeah! conceited I may be,
but I fucking love my new
deviant ID

you know when you take a really sick photo and you look at it afterwards like "whoa, I cannot believe I actually had a part in taking that it's so amazing,"

yeah. it was one of those moments. thank god for timers and red dishclothes.

ahaha.. I'm in such a good mood

c00p: It's almost spring, which means it's almost summer, which means it's almost WINTER!

]]> ~country47