http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:cutelilkittie&section=today deviantART RSS for by:cutelilkittie en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 20 Dec 2009 03:00:48 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28780694/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28780694/ Sun, 06 Dec 2009 06:30:02 PST (x) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

SO FAR: 1
Ah the curiosity of a 6(?) year old.. with lung problems and smoking a butt of a cigarette.

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(x) Dumped someone
( ) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 3

Level 3
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 5
I've seen dying, but not when they just die. Do bugs count?

Level 4
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your deviantart / sheezyart Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
( ) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 5

Level 5
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
( ) Met Someone Through Internet
( ) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 6
How.. is eating sushi stupid?

Level 6
(x) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Liked/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 11
So far I'm thinking doing stupid things is living life. And I only took aspirin twice whoo..

Level 7
( ) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 14
I don't recall having a "tea" party with friends. I don't remember having tea cups or tea.

Level 8
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledging
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO far: 19
Jumping in a wet pile of leaves is a BAD idea. I gone sledging with a swimming tube and I don't remember what I cheated on when I was a kid but I must have somehow.

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 21

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 25
Arghh stop tickling me Wolfie!!!

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
( ) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 27

Level 13
( ) Had / Have Braces
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
( ) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 27

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 30
I got over hating the way I look, but the witnessed a crime grinded my gears. My aunt would NOT let me call for the police while a guy was being ganged up in front of her store! I couldn't find where she hid the phone.

Level 15
( ) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
( ) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like you were dying

SO FAR: 31
I drowned in the ocean - well almost. So it wasn't swimming =_=

Level 16
(x) Cried to sleep
( ) Played Cops And Robbers
( ) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 33
Ah.. Karaoke Revolution..

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
( ) Made Prank Phone Calls
( ) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 32
I always hopped out of the rain, boo. I don't remember what I told myself I wouldn't do and did it since my friends can catch that better than I can. The beverage never came out my nose, it just wandered in there (which hurts).

Level 18
( ) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere

SO FAR: 35
That bonfire was in my yard when I was little. The cops ended up coming to my house to shut it down ha ha.

Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 37
Wtf monkey?

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge
( ) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 39
Never worn real pearls though. The bridge was very little :3 it was so cute. I never screamed inappropriate body parts but I have said it.

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kick... ]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28259968/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28259968/ Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:18:51 PST
Trying out the journal design. Not much to say now from last time but gosh I feel so great. I got my deadline pushed for writing class, I got my airplane ticket for Christmas

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28228883/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28228883/ Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:56:33 PST Do I fight back and how?
Or am I suppose to accept defeat and grow from that..
I cannot see anything but wait.. but life isn't waiting for me, so what am I to do now from falling behind?
The pain is seeping through my skin and into my consciousness..
I am a sinner and I am sin.
-----------

I've never been so scared before in my life.. everything is falling apart, my friends, family.. Everyone is succumbing to their fears.. so why am I not able to stick to a side, be happy and ignorant or be cynical? For once I do not know what to do but only have what I want. For the first time I am selfish.. and I want Wolfie...
I want love, but it has to be from Wolfie....

I've been too open-minded and too much maybes. I was lost and blind because of that. I always second-guessed myself and thought maybe I was blind that I didn't love Wolfie or that I'm just dreaming things will work out.

There's a reason why I'm suffering more when I'm away or try to get away from Wolfie. I know what it's like to be stubborn to let go, but I.. really just can't let go of something I love...

I want Wolfie so much that I keep being in pain over and over because being without him is worst. Just.. not even talking to him is worst...

This is the feeling of what I should've felt when I left with him between my parents and I, but I only feel that towards Wolfie and his parents. Everything that was held personal to me I could easily let go now. Material things and things that make me suffer.

I can't let go of my friends and Wolfie, and I don't want to let go of my family either (but I'd like to live separately). They are meaningful to me...

I'm going to love myself by admitting I'm a loving and caring person for the first time, and I can be selfish...

I don't feel like I need pity or venting or running away right now. I just want to wait because I know I deserve Wolfie. And time will show me the answer.

I know God will help and save me.
I am the fool, and this is my gift.

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28209857/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28209857/ Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:11:24 PST
I had to do a skit infront of the class with my partner on the begging part of the movie of "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

This was an acting class and my teacher can be intimidating, and he knows what he's doing but we're not pro's. The problem is I do not do well if the person is intimidating.

He tried to lead me to be more dramatic, to show more exaggerated for emotions. I was already tired from practicing long lines and redoing the scene. The character I thought was flamboyant and a chatterbox. The teacher wanted a girl I hate, a girl who wants attention and puts on a facade all the time.

It reminded of me, but I don't show that part of me, I do not want attention, not in that way at least. Making people pity me or flirt around with guys. I talk sad but I am usually seeking answers or asking questions within it.. it's my small vents. Or maybe I want compassion but I don't want to bring down the mood, I just want to make people laugh but be able to cry with them too.

And I guess the teacher wanted me to be like that since he tried to tie me to personal experiences that made me sad. I learned to lighten my situation or memories by jokes or even vaguely remember it. The teacher asked about my personal life and I just held in the sadness. I didn't want to make a big deal of it, and I would easily cry since it's so hard to cry anywhere without privacy or comfort.

The question that made me run out of reasons to hold in my tears was that he asked if I had someone.
I answered honestly, "Maybe" with a smile, but my smile disappeared when he asked, "Why is that?" I started to cry.

My partner hugged me and I don't know if the teacher did too, but I had a Kirby (it was a prop I brought) and I stuffed my face into it. I hated the silence and the whole class staring. I really was upset at the teacher. It's his job but I'm not the type that likes any of this, nor do I have someone I trust I can cry to anymore.

Crying to me always had bad consequences, like my mom barges in the room and makes me feel worst, or my boyfriends leave me because of it, or I am unable to talk to say sorry or explain what happen. Just so many bad memories.

And so it just rushed out. I cried for maybe an hour? I couldn't stop crying in class. Wolfie comforted me, but when I asked him what should I answer next time if someone brings up if I have a boyfriend and other sad stuff, he said he didn't know what to say to that.

I felt very betrayed. Like I am doing so much for him and for him to say that.. but then I realized he too was being honest. The way that he is, he doesn't say yes without being sure, but he doesn't say no because.. well he doesn't want no either lol. I know him that he is a very confused person right now.. but it's affecting me too.

It sucks because Thursday was so wonderful. Wolfie and I talked so much.. I thought things were getting better.

Luckily I had my last session of counseling right after that class. The counselor seems to agree that Wolfie loves me because he doesn't want to let me go, but she says it sounds like I don't love Wolfie. Also I second guess so much.

So I'm trying to believe in Wolfie and myself again, because if I was okay, what would I do?

I'd still love Wolfie and do my regular routine without negative thoughts. Also I think more kindly like how Wolfie and I did say we wouldn't decide now if we can be together or not. The kind of Wolfie I know is very smart.. and he probably doesn't want to let me down again.. It'll hurt him so much if I visit him and he cannot love me still..

Wolfie cares so much for me in his own way and mine in my own way.. but I keep questioning is this right, am I doing this right? I lost my confidence and passion eversince Wolfie lost his trust in me... It hurts a lot..... and I'm not used to being alone...

5 months and still grieving.. I've been crying every day except when Wolfie and I talk to each other and then I feel great for awhile. I don't have the support of "at least I have someone".. but.. I just want my Wolfie happy.. I want to be the one who makes him happy too.. I don't want to lose my life because of this man, but I trust him so much.. I believe in him..

I love him so much that I'm embarrassed of it.. Can't seem to go without a day remembering, crying, laughing, talking about him. The way he made my heart sore and yet.. it's still soaring.. he helped make me gain my own strength.. but I feel so vulnerable now... I feel hopeless.

But I am not hopeless. I will change into a better person with or without him. I will love him and be hurt over and over.. I'm the person who doesn't take risks and hates pain, and yet he has me falling for him like this.. He even had me regretting to meet him, but I'm happy that I... ]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28141407/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/28141407/ Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:48:26 PST
I had a year of Halloween planned but I couldn't do crap about hosting it on my server. made me sad *tear* but I'll save it for next year. I need to focus on Thanksgiving now! I have to make it FANTASTIC!

Been so busy that I barely play games anymore, but I'm still distracted by Facebook.
My hypersomnia has been cured, I think it's from all the stress of bills and Wolfie has been lightened. Wolfie has been giving me affection and it's been making me happy. I hope when I visit we get along with each other and start going out again.

Below is an example of what happened between me and Wolfie. I kept running away, and he started to get tired of chasing. It's not that he ran out of love for me though, it's more like he thought he couldn't give the love that I wanted (in his eyes, the love I deserved). Yet we keep meeting each other and we don't want to let each other go. So hopefully I keep getting strong enough to be okay alone and he gets to find what he wants in life. It is difficult to live if you have no existing path to walk on or a goal to aim for.

------------
Just an idea about meeting the other person on the other side of the world when you left or the other person left you. I was trying to tell it to someone but I decided it was too long. Just want to keep it to see if there's any.. flaws to the belief.
------------
It's just very hard work. That idea that people call fantasy needs to be believed with the mind of a child.

Because the person who want the other person most is sometimes the one who stops in their spot and refuse to move or even start moving in a different direction. Doubts and advice starts to sink in that, "It's irrational to wait and chase after something. If you love them, then you will let them go."

So when they suppose to see each other on the other side of the world or if the other person starts to run back to you, they cannot find you.

If the case is true that you should let them go because it does not suit your type of love (that you need them to save you from the darkness or they always look at you), it means they have let you go. They didn't mean to show they won't chase for you but they feel and maybe are not good enough. It becomes a mutual understanding that they will not chase after each other.

Also if you chase them stalker-like, then that is obsessed possession love. It's love if it has that feeling of that you only want to love that person, not that you can't have anyone else because of insecurity.

I don't know I seem to be rambling. I guess I am trying to say is if you could work at letting go, good for you you're an adult. If you hang on, you're a child who wants a selfish happiness, but it can be a happy ending (you can become an adult or get what you want) or sad (you harm others or yourself). Either endings have hard work, just shouldn't at least give up yourself because the other people can disappoint you.

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27877901/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27877901/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 18:41:01 PDT
I had to do my tarot because I felt a bit lost. I wasn't sure if I was on the right track but it encouraged me that things will go my way as long as I work for it~ Got to keep my dreams alive.

Lots of things have happened since I started school. So much to do but so little.. things that work out ha ha.

I just need to get a bit more organized.

My game's site is working out, getting updates on the server, and somehow magically working things out with finishing homework in time.

I hung out with my friends and it was always fun. We went out of town to go to this Vietnamese kid festival that was held at a school. It was really packed so we ended up going down the street at an espresso and stayed in the car for hours playing slap jack.
All of their computers in the cafe had like 24 viruses and none of them had audio anymore ha ha.

We went to the pumpkin patch and I took as much pictures and videos that I could. It was fun finding white pumpkins and buying baby pumpkins. Then we went to the haunted maze, I ended up falling when the guy with the chainsaw came up from behind us. Everyone jolted forward and I ended up tripping on a stalk and falling down. Everyone was screaming my name like I was gone for and I was just screaming MY CAMERA!! xD

Ahh.. fun times.

I finally finished posting pictures up on facebook, but I'm so tired to put them on here, so I'm debating. Maybe I'll just put up meaningful pictures.

Just heard news that my best frieeendd has good news but I won't say until she tells everyone else and that everything is set for her. It seems like everything is going well for everyone (slowly anyways).

A friend got a job, a friend got to be closer with me, a friend is finally free, another finally found her other half. I am praying for everyone to be happier :3

I also am slowly working things out with Wolfie and it's been doing great. I just need to trust in him and myself. He's just so lost cuz he's so spoiled~ We're both excited to see each other in December :3

Well that's all for now. Wheee..

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27459888/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27459888/ Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:25:21 PDT The difference about men is that they will pay money for service.
Women wouldn't want a payment as long as you love them.

If a man's friend dies, they seek revenge or feel guilty if they get close to someone else because it might feel like they're betraying their friend. However, if his wife dies, they search for a new one.

I've been in a mixture of happy and sadness. I'm happy because I make my friends happy, but my actual happiness.. is fake. I will be okay without someone to love, but I would prefer to be with that one person. The thought is saddening, so I'm not so distressed at least.

A lot is being overwritten of what made me feel horrible or what I thought it was the truth. That I was ugly, pessimistic, not a calm person(?), all I did was self-pity, emo, someone who wants only attention, pushover, etc.
--------Explanation of how I got over it, but the pushover story is great------
Strangers been complimenting me that I'm very beautiful and the voice that used to yell against everything is growing quieter. I didn't need to ignore it, I just needed to accept what was in front of me. Rather be happier and polite than be depressingly humble.

My friends who known me for years and even seen me weep over the silliest things said I wasn't pessimistic, I was just depressed.

Articles I read lifted up my spirits that some people think they're pitying themselves, but they're just sad. I knew I was sad about and from myself, but I was distraught that I couldn't get out of it, but I ended up getting out of it, alone.

A friend labeled me calm, me calm? All I remember was people yelling at me to shut up or calm down, etc xD I guess I'm just very patient than others. Am not so sure anymore though. I can be calm in others situation perhaps but not my own.

Then the attention is that I realized I need love, I love affection, but I just didn't know how to get a healthy balance of giving and taking. Been less harsh when I'm also feeling down or making a mistake too.
-------
The pushover though is the best. I started to love myself and judge myself of what I need and what I want. Well my mom was trying to guilt trip me of going to my friends house. We were about to go to Fred Meyers and I wanted to give my friend's stuff back she accidentally left before she went home earlier, and I offered to drive. She said she was tired (but I'm going to drive?) and then said it would waste gas money. I got into an argument with my mom.

I left to call my friend and vented about it how I couldn't even talk to my mom. I tried again, and she said the same thing but made an ultimatum that if I go than my friend couldn't come over to the house ever again. My dad popped in and asked what was going on. When I told him my mom's reasoning she went "No I don't care about the gas money. ..It's the tires. They will get worn out. Also the car mileage-"

I got so furious that I went out the door and said I would go by myself - which is illegal with a permit. My mom said dad wouldn't approve this illegal action-SCREW MY DAD, HE SAID I WAS ON MY OWN! I'm not afraid of him anymore, I only love him.
Anyways I yelled at her that driving up to my friend's house was the same as driving around the house as practice. She shut up her mouth a bit and in the end I got her in the car xD

I don't feel ego-maniac from this surprisingly or even dominant. I feel like I could control my own life now. I just needed to know how
-----------

I got back on Facebook, missing my wonderful fans and small status blog talks. I keep getting busier, but I keep missing...

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27385698/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27385698/ Thu, 24 Sep 2009 01:44:59 PDT
I am on a roll on doing what I need to do, however am taking on too many tasks again so it's slowing me down and I've been feeling lazy.

I'm starting to not care what people say about me, but it's still an ongoing process. Also making myself happy too without.. external on-goings?

It feels weird since I feel incompatible with Wolfie now since I think of it as how I cannot seem to talk to him. Like usually I win in arguments, pick out something is wrong with someone, just somehow control over someone I suppose. Wolfie is the few people that renders me speechless and I can't argue against at all, their positivity or bold beliefs just takes my breath away and I end up going to their side.

Those type of people are very special to me, but I still want to be by his side not for my sake of just having someone to win my own fights against myself anymore, I want to save him and be who I am, someone loyal and patient. Someone who believes in myself and others, I just don't know if this is practical when it seems to be definite on outside of my world that it's over.

So far when I listen to those it makes things worst, so I'll do what I can now to make myself at least happy and just love whoever because I can. It doesn't matter if people don't love me or hate me anymore, I just want people to be happy rather than be sadden by me - or by anything.

I had fun today, went shopping and whoa spent a lot of money pretty quick, but I got new jackets and shoes, and am very happy. My friends helped picked it out so I will treasure it and I thought I wouldn't been able to find nice jackets anymore since a lot I liked reminded me of Wolfie. Had a blast shopping for the first time - organized by me! I'm more of a window shopper than a shopaholic, though.

Had my general direction of life be told by the tarot cards for fun. I don't really remember but it said I would be healed soon, be more independent, and my past influence was heartache basically. So it was a very good fortune, but it was unknown if I was suppose to be alone or avoid being alone. My friends didn't think I was suppose to be alone, sort of hard but meh I'll try being popular instead of being a hermit.

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27219325/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27219325/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:39:24 PDT I'm able to hop around again on my own and I really feel like running instead of running away!

So I was watching this again, hoping I get a reminder of how to feel better:
[link]

I saw in one of the comments saying that problems helps us function.

IT'S TRUE because it helps us be grateful for what we have or had. It's hard to see it but it makes us envy others right? Somehow we just need to snap out of it and channel it to being grateful or even help others realize they should be grateful for what they have. I try to show envy rather than jealousy because well I'm calm in that mood and it's not that I wish I had what they had, but it would be cool if I was able to have it too.

Remember to not be harsh on others that they should be grateful, one just has to realize it somehow because words aren't enough sometime. At least you said the words though so it'll sink in better later on.

We can't make all the problems go away, but we can tackle them on It gives us something to do and rejoice happiness way more when it comes around.

I've been proud of myself being able to do small things now, deleting everything, wanting to express my pain but not dwell in it. It's like.. I feel so much stronger now and closer to my friends. I'm writing and drawing again. Taking a lot of photos and being in them even. Going to or having friends come over, it's really.. been great.

I'm so grateful that I was able to realize this from my breakup. It would be nice if things worked out between us, but if it doesn't in the future, it's now finally his lost. He will keep losing everything better the way he is, he's content with what he has so he's so afraid of aiming higher. He can stay sad yet content for the rest of his life :3 I can wait for him until I die, but at least I will show and feel love and happiness.
At least he tried to let it down on me as nicely as he could and talked to me this whole time. I am open to listen to him, but he doesn't talk so I don't have to do much work xD

Mmm.. sounds like I will be sleeping well tonight.

Good night to all my friends, even Diamond and Kitty :3

]]> ~cutelilkittie http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27199339/ http://cutelilkittie.deviantart.com/journal/27199339/ Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:20:00 PDT
Eventually I have to delete this journal too ha ha.

Hopefully the next journal I put up is more cheerful, hopeful, just wonderful like how I used to be and felt like.

I will be picking up my old projects with my best friend about sonic parodies. It will give me something to do and laugh.
--------------------- Anything after this is rambling----------------
"Will you still be by my side? Can I walk beside you? I've fallen but I haven't given up, have you?"

Basically I will have to wait until I die to stop loving Wolfie, but it's okay.. I'll live, because I'm stronger than them. I'll get by and love everyone, I won't give up on people or myself anymore, not just yet.

Finally got my heart broken for it to mend. It created where I lost Silvie and Silver but at least.. it created a diamond. So I named her Diamond, my friend inside me. She'll help and love me, just as she would to anyone else. No one can cut me down now.

I love you God, Earth, my new and old homes.

I will have to discard music flashes I've been working on. My words and love are meaningless to Wolfie now. Sadly I can't keep in contact with his family. I love them so dearly but I'll just keep having flashbacks and go into a panic attack.

Been crying more freely, I feel very human and a bit.. free? Like I'm not scolding or restraining myself anymore. I will heal somehow, and I'll help other people heal :3 I'm everyone's special kitten.

]]> ~cutelilkittie