http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:darkblackpoet&section=today deviantART RSS for by:darkblackpoet en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 11:59:23 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/25212560/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/25212560/ Tue, 09 Jun 2009 08:31:05 PDT
So. Yes. I love you all.

Have a good day.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/24419561/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/24419561/ Fri, 24 Apr 2009 23:02:47 PDT And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough"

This song totally speaks to me at the moment. I'm completely lost within my own mind and I can't even talk about it with the one person I need to. So I'm stuck with these thoughts not knowing how to act upon them, or if I should, or if I ever should have to begin with. Maybe we'd be happier. Healthier. Whole. But that's a foolish line of reasoning and I know it. I'm afraid this mess became a wedge driving a small space which will grow into an impassable canyon with treacherous pathways no one could ever hope to navigate safely. You can't just put a Band-Aid on this in my mind. Is there a solution? Can fairy tale endings ever come true? Maybe I was foolish to ever believe they could be true. They're right... I should get my head out of my alternate world where chivalry, white knights, and fair maidens really do exist. This is 2009 and we live in a concrete world... both in thought and reality.

"Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love"

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/24084122/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/24084122/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:17:39 PDT Aikos-Neko is a fabulous author who deserves all of our love and support. So check her out.

Along similar lines Ravenvale is one of the best artists I have ever seen.

Check them out and show them some love!

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/24057754/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/24057754/ Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:28:59 PDT
I can fix this... but I am scared. So scared.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/23130569/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/23130569/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:12:32 PST
Here is the main page: Thorestaryn

And here are some general maps: Maps

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22895315/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22895315/ Thu, 29 Jan 2009 22:18:31 PST
I also wonder how long I can get away without taking any of my meds. Day two has passed and I don't feel all that bad. I wonder how bad I could let it get. It sounds like an intriguing game to play. And I just got a really weird cramp. OH MY GOD. ... Ok, even though that wasn't part of tonight's scheduled performance... I think I just killed my leg. I'm not sure I could fully explain, or even know, what just happened.

Moving on... My English class is pretty amazing. Tuesday we talked about Hermeneutic circles and transcending the limitations of speech and sensory applications as providing the means of understanding life. Though not necessarily life as a whole, though that was one main issue, but more Reality, Truth, and the Divine. Today we discussed Flannery O'Connor's "Parker's Back" using Post-Modern/Deconstruction literary theory mixed in with the newer Christian Theory. I didn't think that I would enjoy the class, because it's such a small group I actually have to participate. But in reality it gives me more of a chance to develop my ideas. Like I was the only one who addressed the main themes and symbolism in the story at all. Every one else was like "I don't like Sarah Ruth" and I was all "Well I think the underlying theme of dissatisfaction combined with Parker's vanity as it progressed was intriguing." Haha! Ok, so I'm a bit lame. But that's when the professor came up to me after class and said that he regretted that we didn't get to discuss my theme more because that was what pushed the story on. And we talked for like ten minutes about the class and O'Connor's works. I think I might love that class.

Ok, I should go to bed or something. I feel incomplete today. Impending doom activate. I should not be lonely. I like school... I like the focus it gives my mind. It takes me away from my own thoughts and fills my head with interesting ideas. Like reformulated fuel isn't sold past the boundaries of Washington County. It stops at Fond u Lac county because they're not considered part of the Milwaukee metropolitan area. And we're in the third attempt at reformulated fuel because the first two versions were too toxic. Also in order to produce enough ethanol fuel it would take the entire United States' corn production per year... as well as the production rate conversion is like 1:1.25 so you would only yield 1/4 more than you started with. Not efficient. Or Impact = Population X Affluence X Technology. See? School makes me distracted. But today I feel off. Maybe it's because no one's here tonight. I hate coming home to a dark house and going to bed without talking to any one. Or maybe it's because I just want to know everything will be alright. It will, won't it? All of this hard work is going to pay off and we'll be happy and secure. I don't want anything big or fancy. Just contentment. I want next Thursday to come quickly. Doesn't it seem so far away? I can't believe that's the next night I don't work... it's my next chance to make things alright. It's too far away.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22605026/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22605026/ Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:14:06 PST
I bet I could rip it out

Right out

of your soul

And would you scream?"

Would I scream? Does this count as screaming? Again I'm fucked. Again... Again... Alone but I know I'm not because the other one promised me... but why do I feel this way? He's right. He's always been right. Damn. But he is still wrong. Damn. Indeed this entire scenario brings new views to light. Control Versus weakness and what power weakness can really bring. Is control, and power, really more crippling than its illusion? I'm not one hundred percent sure what to make of this evening as a whole. Perhaps he did just win. He is always right, after all. He told me once that I'd be free and those words echo through my mind like a savage wind. I told him that I loved him. It's true in a sado-masochistic way. There are many forms of love. I love him as a person. Even though he tears apart my every fiber. It's so different from her. She puts everything in its place and mends my soul. Without even knowing she does it. She's my soul mate. Hands down, the love of my life. He's just... loved. And with that I will win. Or at least fight. It might be an epic battle. I might die in a gory mess alone in a pool of my own blood. He makes my demons gnaw at my fingertips and gouge at my eyes. They hold down my arms and feet and chain me to my thoughts. I writhe under their weight. But I don't care. Because this is what you do for true friends. I'd suffer through hell for him. And ... currently... I am. The only thing is, I promise you, I won't scream... and if I do it won't be in pain it'll be her name because she's my ticket to heaven.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22492625/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22492625/ Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:49:02 PST
I need to not be angry at the way things panned out. I should be out doing things with people. I should be embracing the friendships which people offer instead of hiding in my room and sticking with the same group of people all of the time. It's just generally I'm happy with those people. But being enmeshed in people isn't healthy. Depending on other people isn't healthy. I wish I was 21 so I could get into bars and stuff... More I wish I had a car so I could get out of here.

I'm back to being completely pissed again tonight. Though I shouldn't be. My mind does fucked up things. I have demons telling me I should... I shouldn't... it's right... it's wrong... I should be alone. But it's alright 'cuz I am alone. It's all good.

So now back to sitting and staring at my ceiling. It's become my new favorite pastime. Be envious. You know you wish your ceiling was as cool as mine. Gah. I can't wait to get away from West Bend and go where there's stuff to do and people to see. I'm so... damn... N.O.T.H.I.N.G...

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22233050/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22233050/ Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:25:34 PST
I need to know that in the long run everything is going to be alright. I have this gut feeling it is. If what I feel is true, and it must be true... then this will all be okay. As long as that spark is there. As long as at night I can see the stars. Even if they're only glow in the dark figments. A ghost of a star trail. Anything. As long as I can see she's still standing beside me.

We're going to be okay.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22038650/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/22038650/ Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:59:37 PST The sky is as dark as appropriate, lacking the moon and stars which have proven to be but false light.
It’s as if the sun never existed making the cold brutal. Brutal and final.
Will I ever be warm again?
Will I ever see the sun again?
Part of me longs for the night to last forever.
Hide me within the folds of darkness.
Shelter me within the infinite amount of space.
Please, don’t let me see the days pass by.
Don’t let this feeling be defined.

When the morning comes, as surely it will, how will I get up?
This isn’t the end of the world.
There is no fiery doom.
Just emptiness. This is life. We will carry on. You will carry on.
Are we playing games? This is it, isn’t it?
How can I ever feel any better? How do people feel this every day?
How are we not all writhing on the ground screaming in pain?
I want to go back on my word – haha, it was a joke. Everything’s going back to normal.
Only it’s not. Haha – joke’s on me. Great.

I’m in pieces. I can’t stop this now. I’m not sure if I want to.
I can just hope that this night lasts forever. Don’t let tomorrow come, please, please, please don’t let it come. Let this be it… no more pain. I can’t handle any more pain. Let this be the end of it.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/21825105/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/21825105/ Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:16:01 PST Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?"

It's amazing to think how amazingly and utterly fragile we all really are. I mean if you really think about it... we're alive. We make connections. We sever those connections. We feel. My dog is alive and he feels... Then we're dead. Brutalized. We're gone. I look at him and he exists... but he won't exist. Eventually. I won't exist. Eventually. Damn it. Is existence itself our sole purpose in life? Damn - I can feel my hands... I can see them... I'm real. Aren't I? Aren't you? Look how arbitrary death is. The finality. Annihilation. The plants die every year... but we generally don't say that they go to an "afterlife"... but why should it be any different for sentient beings then anything else? Isn't life life? They exist as much as I do. Then they're gone... like I'm gone. Gone, gone, gone. It's funny. Not necessarily in a good way though. A running joke perhaps... that makes you laugh harder the more you really think about it. Every one ignores it. Look - there are bills to be paid. There are places to go. But you're dieing mother fuckers. I'm dieing. Or maybe I'm already dead. Maybe I don't exist and that's my true problem. How would I know? How will I know? Fuck sleeping, if I don't know it, if I can't feel it, do I exist during those hours? Losing control is such a heavy price to pay. But I've lost control. Or never had it. No one has control. There is no such thing. We're so insignificant, every one of us, all of our problems... why should it matter? The world, the universe, infinity... it knows no bounds... but yet it's an infinite amount of nothing. But isn't nothing still something? After we die... there's nothing? Something? Existence? Connections? Is it wrong to be afraid? Is there any way to get beyond this? Blind faith? Like that will save you in the end. I want to exist. I want to feel... something... anything. Or maybe I want to feel nothing at all. Maybe existence itself is as arbitrary as death. Maybe there is no point if we don't really exist. But how do I know? How do I know I exist?

"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/21658032/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/21658032/ Tue, 25 Nov 2008 03:13:21 PST
I feel like I'm three years old. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I have to be up in less than two hours... and I won't get a chance to sleep tomorrow night either, most likely. Is it pathetic to say I'm scared? I've calmed down a lot in the past few weeks. I'm no longer in sporadic hysterics. Now it seems to be at a low simmer. Maybe that's good news. Maybe that means I'm regaining control. I doubt it though. I just can't control my emotions. One moment I'll be fine and the next I can barely keep myself from crying. It doesn't matter where I'm at. Work. I was with my family. At my girlfriend's house. School. I think I may quite literally be losing my mind. ... And I'm sure the not sleeping bit doesn't help. I'm starting to see things moving out of the corner of my eye. Don't they say that all great artists are crazy? I know one way of regaining control over my mind. Control over the body demands strong control over the mind. There are multiple ways I could go about this. But do I want to cross that line? Can I use my tools to just regain control, or will they in the end control me?

Huh. I really don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to give into the darkness and relinquish control over my thought processes. How will I know I exist? I don't know what to do any more. I don't know if I'm going to go to school. Where I'm going to school. I told Shawn I was quitting. Can I take that back? Should I take that back? How do I "grow up"? Why do I want to grow up? What's there to look forward to? That's a dumb question. I have something to look forward to. Love. But do I? How do I know anything? How can I be sure I'm doing anything right? I am just a dumb ass kid who has no clue what's going on and is afraid to go to sleep. Fucking pathetic.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/21364764/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/21364764/ Thu, 06 Nov 2008 20:56:38 PST We're spoiling at the knife
Pretend that the picture is perfect
I cut myself to sleep
I close my eyes for a second
And meet the friendly soul
I scream to why I'm lonely
The echo calls my life

If I ever
If I never
Make me want to stand up for whatever
Make me say
Make me pay
Make me understand you're there for me

Take this life
I'm right here
Stay a while and breathe me in"

I feel inarticulate. My midterms were good. I was surprised. I feel like I'm slipping.... away? Or maybe just slipping in general. But it's confusing because there's nothing wrong. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel sick but the more I think about it I think it's just because my mind is shattering itself and shredding the bits. It's extremely similar to high school - just more intense. How can I fix things if I don't know what's wrong? I just want to stop being whatever I am. I want to be able to open up to people. I want to be able to be comforted. I want to be able to feel... something. Instead of this creeping numbness that itches my brain and lulls me to sleep. I don't care about anything any more. I don't have the ability to feel. School doesn't matter. Work doesn't matter. The future doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Again, what the fuck is wrong with me? What's the point of anything if you can't feel it? Days just pass by and I have no clue. I plead with clocks to stop. Please. Please. PLEASE. God PLEASE don't make me get up. Don't let tomorrow come. One second closer. One day gone by. A month. Grow up Gwinny. Face the world head on. This is the best it ever gets. Man up. Be responsible. Support every one you can. They can't know you're weak. They can't know you're afraid. Do everything the best. Be the best. Go to work. Go to school. Act like a normal person - don't stare at the second hand. Smile. Smile. Smile.


.Smile.


How do I make this stop?

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/20799417/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/20799417/ Thu, 02 Oct 2008 19:29:29 PDT You can peel me off and lose me to the wind
I guess it's too late to protect myself from this."

I wish I could come to terms... mostly with myself... but I guess with life in general. I'm feeling a lot better recently. A lot less psychotic and manic-like. But since my last "episode" I haven't really ... gone back to myself. I wonder if a person's mind can literally break. I mean, I do have moments of happiness. I'm in love with a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, intelligent, caring, just 100% exceptional-all-around girl. Who couldn't be happy? She's like the missing half to my soul. ... Other than that, though, life just seems to be beating me down. There's school, and work, and family issues, and all of these responsibilities I'm trying to fulfill. I'm trying really hard to "grow up" and be a good person... I'm just so tired. I can't do it all. But life isn't going to get any easier. There will always be bills to pay, shifts to cover, people arguing, reading to be done... I promised myself after high school that I'd pay my own way through school and I'd be damn good at it. So far... I have. Until now. Now I'm barely passing my classes, and working all of the time. I don't have a choice though. I can't quit. If I quit then I prove that I AM a failure and that I CAN'T support myself. ... I CAN'T support my family... and what kind of person would I be? I promised myself that I'd take care of my mother and do everything I could so she wouldn't have to worry about me and I wouldn't be a burden. And I have, I've paid my school, helped them out with money, done the cleaning, some cooking... I've tried. I can't go back on that. ... It just seems too hopeless. Is this all that life has to offer? Working? Despair? I want to be a good person. I want to work hard. Ultimately, my family is right, I AM a failure. I AM a burden. I HAVE no future. ... but that is a self fulfilling prophecy. I can't give up... but I'm to tired to continue trying.

So I resort back to old survival tactics. It just reinforces my cycle of negativity. ... It's not all bad. As I said there are moments of extreme, intense, happiness. ... And otherwise I am numb. Life is hard and I am tired. But at least I am not on the brink of disaster... so I am one step higher on the ladder than I was last week. But have I just replaced my psychosis with self-induced apathy? This didn't pan out well for me back in high school. ... Hopefully I'll regain some control before I get back to that point... Right now I'm just happy to be numb.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/20528434/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/20528434/ Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:55:56 PDT I don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head.

How do you feel? That is the question.
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer."

I feel like shit. Fuck it. What the hell is the point of anything? Nights like tonight I'm just so sick of thinking, breathing, existing. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to be out of control. I think I might die. I don't want to die. Equally, though, I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to get out of my bed. I don't want to go to my fucking stupid job and pretend to give a damn. I don't want to go to school. I am terrified of nonexistence - but... I just want to disappear. To blink out. To never have been in the first place. I wish I could decide. I wish I could be normal. "Normal"... What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously. What. The. Fuck. I could scream... and flail... or cry... nonstop. I would too. But not. I can't. I'm so goddamn composed. Until I'm not. But that's not okay. I'm not okay. How can I give meaning to the meaningless? How can I stop this? Make it stop. I need it to. Quiet. Just for once. Make it stop.

Fuck.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/20211229/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/20211229/ Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:54:34 PDT

"I'll be your fantasy
Anything you that want me to be
I will be it
Just leave me, please, to my own device
And I'll make everything alright
I'll make it fine
Or at least I'll try

I had this notion that you, you, you
Love me as much as I do you
I am yours I am clay
Bend me and make me what you will
And mold me, mold me, mold me, into a shape that you desire
And I will hold it for my life"

-Joe Greene and the Heavy Steppers

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/19867819/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/19867819/ Sat, 09 Aug 2008 19:16:20 PDT
1) I'm sick. Way sick.
2) I get to work to find out a coworker tried to commit suicide.
3) Ashleigh (another coworker) got hit by a bus.
4) I get a cell phone returned on me dropping my sales to below zero.
5) I find out that my father has to have heart surgery before he can be put on the transplant list.
6) I get more sick.
7) The other coworker called and said that she quit.
8) Ashleigh's parents forgot to pick her up so I closed up and sat outside with her.
9) I forgot my phone at work.
10) Now I have a fever and I think I might die.

Ugh. The coworker who tried to commit suicide infuriates me. I should feel so bad... but I've been there and been through it and that kind of shit just pisses me off. There's a difference between someone who's truly suicidal and someone who got a bad review and decided to go take a bottle of aspirin, then call and quit leaving everyone stuck. Branden and Barry are getting married tonight and they won't be here for the next two weeks. I'm the only other full time associate. Again, it's way different if there are other issues in your life... but to run away from your problems like that... seriously grow up. No one loves their job.... well hardly any one... I hope that she does grow up a little bit. You can only try killing yourself for attention so many times before you actually end up dead. There's that entire "Don't Cry Wolf" story.

Fuck. I'm going to go be emo. Considering I'm blowing snot bubbles and coughing up a lung I'm sure it won't be very successful.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/19531905/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/19531905/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:57:00 PDT
Here's the rules:

*1. Post these rules.
*2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about their self on their journal.
*3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people and post their icons on the same journal.
*4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
*5. No tag-backs.

So, here's my "8 things about their self."

1. I'm really, really, shy. It's almost to the point of being debilitating. Though most of the time I pretend not to be.

2. My favorite thing to do is sit outside and read.

3. I'm cranky in the morning. Hardcore.

4. I love George Webb's coffee. If you want a ticket to my heart go out for coffee at Webb's with me and partake in my weird discussions.

5. I love the show Farscape enough to spend $400 dollars on the entire series. Since I got it, two weeks ago, I've already watched 37 hours worth of it. It's my alternate reality.

6. I have to take a shower if a spider comes around me. I can't sleep if one's in the room... and if I see one in the room I have to completely clean the room.

7. I'm a hardcore old-school romantic. I think chivalry has pretty much died - so I'm going to bring it back.

8. My dog is like my child. Fuck with him you'll get me coming after you, if you're good to him I'll be your best friend.
------------

So, here's who I tag:





]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/19361960/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/19361960/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:56:15 PDT
On the artistic side of things I haven't drawn anything recently, but I've picked up my guitar again. It feels good to play music again. I've started re looking over some Leo Kottke pieces and I'm going to try and learn some Don Ross ones.

So that's my life in a nutshell. I'm working and struggling to make some time for hanging out with the people I care about. So far so good I guess.

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/15016036/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/15016036/ Thu, 11 Oct 2007 14:13:34 PDT
But I have been drawing and writing some more. I guess when your Math 105 professor is a non-english speaking fucktard that's your only option.

So life's been going...

]]> ~darkblackpoet http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/13517470/ http://darkblackpoet.deviantart.com/journal/13517470/ Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:51:50 PDT
In my personal life not much has been going on. Not much at all... just trying to find a job and figure out what I want to do with my life... Oh the joys of freshly graduating and not having a secure future.

But hey. One day I will spontaneously combust or find a loop hole into an alternate reality and none of this will matter.

Unfortunately until that time happens I have bills to pay.

]]> ~darkblackpoet