I am fading.

It is a slow process, fueled by the moon and the sun and the planets. The light turns itself farther away from my soul, until at last the darkness consumes me.

It is a cat at night. I can see its claws but its body is a flurry of motion with a mind’s pulse to determine my fate. One second passes and the lines are drawn in the sand; the vision moves and the wind blows the words away.

They’ll never see my S.O.S from up there, so high in the sky. Their faces are turned ever higher; the sun is rising and their eyes rise with it until midday. They do not notice the retinas burn; they still see light when it is dark, and darkness in the light, and whiteness becomes blackness after all. In all, we are one, they say, and they see only white plaster figures in the sky with no faces.

I am fading. When the color is in my hand, it is melting, like ice. The ice palace is blue with the sky’s hue, green like chlorophyll, red like blood. My hand touches the sky and the color fades to gray and the ice melts into water in my hands, into the puddles at my feet.

The vernal phase sets the cycle in motion. The colors flow and blossom and grow, pulsing like a heartbeat, steady as andante wraps the silence around the notes. The life within is the impetus for growth, and the growth is the catalyst for life.

Jan 10 journal excerpts:

I have an empty mind. Full of mitosis. My cells are dividing as we speak... My cells don’t know why they are dividing, and neither do I. I sit here and my cells divide.

...I wonder turn around cartwheels are our special kind of windmill, personal flight path, thank you for your questions to my answers, thank you for your nothing twirl around my finger.

...We need less global warming [too], less heat. Less and less so our hearts all stop beating because it is so cold and all our molecules then, they stop. Moving. They stop moving. It’d be that cold. I wonder if it is ever that cold on Pluto, and whoever has been to Pluto has lost their mind their heart their soul...But nobody has been to Pluto just like nobody has been to planet earth. Just like nobody has been to the inside place where the words get mixed up like oil and water like oil and water, where the life is, where my life is.

...I think that if I keep writing, it will continue and I will run out of excuses like they all say will happen someday to everybody. I know they say it even though I don’t hear it because they say it out of earshot; but I know they say it because I read their lips and their fingers and their eyes. They weren’t even people, just flies. They told me once that they all said, what they all said, and I should try not to listen, but when I tried to try I only heard buzzing. That’s what it means anyway. That’s what your philosophy is anyway. Can’t you see and hear and think? I think you can see at least and you can see the flies are gathering and they are gathering in a storm about your head because it is time now. This happens to everybody really.

..I like to fly balloons too, when I am younger. I like to call them back down to earth when they fly away because I know they’ll come back down in one piece and somebody will find them somewhere and think about their childhood. I have those kind of thoughts where you know you can change the way the world turns on its axis just because you can think you can, I can think about how I changed something today, I changed the title today, and if I change the title I change the story; so if I do it is all different, and what if they called Earth something Else? I know fire and water, what is a rose what is a name I can fly my balloon and it can land it your hand and you will feel something… nameless.

Title: Done Deal?
Published: Wed, 7 Jan 2009
Desciption: Senate Democrats plan to seat Roland Burris as senator

Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

"Boxes alert waiting-- a meeting and there are reports right now and our nation's capital. That role of birds will be accepted by the democratic leadership. Others in meeting underway between terrorists and the senate democratic majority leader Harry Reid outside that meeting room as our own Brian Wilson. Who joins us now Brian what do you heard."
"Well he came into a back door he went in to Harry Reid's office the meeting is taking place at the camera will pan right here. You'll see what we had called here a stakeout position and they are getting ready to do the photo law. But we have we have heard that he's in the room and yes I believe that you are correct building your assessment. That it is looking better for Roland Burris each passing hour it seems to have appeared that he is gaining favor. Yesterday one of the big things that happened was that we had a statement from the chairman for the Senate rules committee a Democrat Dianne Feinstein. Who said that in her opinion. He should be seated. That but the point was made by Rod Blagojevich he may be in trouble he may be under scrutiny he may have some serious legal problems but he's still the governor. And it hit in her opinion it was improper. For the secretary of state. Of the state of Illinois to withhold his signature but it was a technicality and that the appointment should stand. But-- about having-- all slowly Verizon now having a discussion to find out exactly. What happens next and whether or not indeed Democrats can't accept him. In this position of junior senator."
"The state apologize to-- as O-Brien might be-- little busy it is hard to hear me if you can you please notify me. Bob but the videotape renouncing his role in-- sitting in just moments ago exclusive videotape from the Senate office building on Capitol Hill. Now Brian will be came view I mentioned that there are. That the senate democratic leadership has agreed to see him. --a one line headline on the Associated Press crossing now that says just back but as far as you're concerned outside that meeting. That word is not come out of that door."
"It has not yet and we may get some sense in just a few minutes we're going to send them what we call pool camera to that meeting. And we'll get a chance to throw a dew questions in the direction of the Senate majority leader Harry Reid. And rapids -- and we emerged from that meeting in the tape was played out we may have some sense of exactly now where senate Democrats are. But I would say to you whether of not we can confirm that AP report it is beginning to look much more favorable for Roland Burris. It looks like is getting closer and closer to " Our we had an attorney-- for birds at the top of our program this morning Brian. One of many that are representing mr. -- now he said yes in fact -- would be US senator. He was unequivocal in his position when we put the question to him. In this business whole idea about Dianne Feinstein a prominent democratic senator last night on the floor -- should be seated. and that's where you started to see the divisions in the democratic side. That might eventually see Roland Burris. As a US senator as he stated by the way before -- left Chicago. His words and his -- was on the US senator Brett -- waiting also Brian go ahead with your final comment there."
"Yes -- did just one though about that and that is that look Dianne Feinstein speech they have to pay attention to it. It was a sign that things were moving his wife there are many people in this building would tell you it does appear that Roland Burris will eventually be seated. What they wanted to do the Senate Democrats try to take away that changed. Blagojevich is appointment here if they find a way to do that diplomatically or artistically or politically. Then it looks like that that that he will move forward our breath that he -- and he's a good man with a good reputation there's not many people who believe that he's not qualified to hold the job they just want to get certain assurances from the ministry."
"Former state attorney general thank you Brian for that he's aged 71 out that is -- the management the center this. Going on two weeks now Megan has more--"