http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:deepdarkdesires&section=today deviantART RSS for by:deepdarkdesires en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 02:55:43 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/20951811/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/20951811/ Sun, 12 Oct 2008 11:04:40 PDT i sat down hard on my hard backed chair and pulled out a clean paper. and i picked up a pen from the drawer of my old mahagony table. i didn't know what to write, so i looked outside a window nearby. i saw my well manicured garden and my ornate gate. neither of which invoked any inspiration. i was almost astonished at this. i always prided myself in borrowing ideas (or just plainly stealing someone else's).
i walked out of the room and onto the plush blue carpetting adorning the rest of the house. my feet sunk in and it felt very warm. that, too, did nothing to inspire me. then, i came upon my large gold mirror and i ran my finger halfway around its circular surface (i am too short to run my finger all the way around).
i wandered into the large, stately rooms, the exquisite hallways, down the stairs and into the living room. i stood at the doorway of the living room and took in the division that made one half into the television area and the other into the lounging area. i slowly walked through into the dining area. before i got to the kitchen, i rushed up the stairs and sat back on my desk. remorsefully, i chided myself.
the lack of inspiration ran all around me. everything was perfect. how could i make a wishlist when everything lay produced around me; with no contribution by me. it had all been handed in a diamond platter to me.
should i want it? aceept it? or redicule it? the answer lay in that blank sheet of paper still before me. it was blank and i was going to start filling it. for i needed my wishlist.
my OWN wishlist.

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/19204863/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/19204863/ Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:10:01 PDT its just as well, i am not up for an argument.
sometimes, when i have a pencil placed in between my teeth and an unfinished drawing under the tips of my fingers, i wonder if it would've been better if you had never walked in at all. i mean, suddenly, here you are in flesh and blood telling me how to live my life, or whatever that is left of it. then again, if you hadn't walked in, i wouldn't be sitting there with a pencil in my hand. or was that destiny? its all so confusing that i am left wondering as usual. i stand on the tips of my toes looking out the balcony, precariously placing the edges of my palms on the railing. the dust makes my skin slip, but, i endure on any way. does that make me stronger than i seem or is it a mere misconception? these words that come out of my fingers seem like the lyrics of your songs and the music my nails make with the keys of the board are like the beats of your songs. suddenly, one person merges into another and the two of you become one. and now, i am more confused than ever. its like i have mirrors on either side of me. and i can see me in both of you.
the rocking chair loses its balance and suddenly, i feel myself flying off the seat. i steady myself only to realise that neither of you are here and i am left alone, yet again. its like the many ends of a rope that i am desperately tying together. it is seemingly unfair, but, i've learnt from life that all is unfair. because if it was fair, then, it would be a movie. (one of those old bollywood sagas; the newer movies seem to be closer to reality) and if it were a movie it would get over in a few hours. so, it is not. neither a movie nor a few hours short. it is life. long, boring, difficult and other such things. its breathing without you. and living with you.

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/17739506/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/17739506/ Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:10:17 PDT Forever stuck in a memory, I hear your voice across the large bedroom. Its soothing sound made things feel less alien. How long will your scent stay with me? As long as the sun shines into your large brown eyes, you’d once said solemnly. It felt the same, just as yesterday. And slowly yesterday entwined into the present day, feeling dry and meaningless. Tiny droplets hung onto the window pane reminding me of days of chai and pakodas. The incessant ringing of the telephone forced irritation to flow through my blood. My throbbing headache seemed to take over my entire being. I wished hard to the mum Gods that the call would hold my mother on the other end. Any other voice would just make the hard day harder still.
It didn’t seem to matter who was on the other end of the phone; I just stood above the useless machine squinting at the fading color. I strode aimlessly to the other end of the room. I wanted the entire house to fall apart around me. I wanted the world to stop twirling on its little axis. I wanted to drink away all the misery. I wanted to feel the poison run down my throat. Destructive thoughts struck through my mind and ripped my torn heart. It feels like I forgot your love, because I can’t feel its warmth inside me anymore. I feel cold and alone. Left vulnerable, yet again. Tiny fragments of your existence haunt me as I fall asleep only to open my eyes to painful sunshine and an empty pillow. The silken white sheets no longer feel dipped in crimson regret. Stained by bleak desire, they fall motionless around my frozen feet.
If I could;
I would;
Close my eyes and fall into the black hole of raw love.

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/16853478/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/16853478/ Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:13:44 PST i had come to the realisation that living with a person tells you a lot more about them than many years of friendship can. i learnt gradually that my room mates had good as well as bad points. it took me a long while to accept thier habits and preferences. is it the same with marriage?
the man you love so much may turn out to be a completely different person. this thought set a flame of fear in my heart and made me think of my new life. the life that awaited me. i am on my way to live with my best friend. but, how much do i know about the person i chose to live with? how long do i have to wait outside the loo? who will pick up the morning paper? which side of the bed will i have to sleep on? will i get to choose the side? questions like these played around in my head.
i don't know how sensible my fears are, but, they are what they are.

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/16599760/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/16599760/ Sun, 27 Jan 2008 15:40:24 PST not much happening on the personal front that is worthy of a journal entry. i just stopped by for the season's greetings. yes, i do realise that the season is long gone. but, well, guess that is just how i am.
wish everyone the very best in the new year and whatever little joy those old traditions bring.
good luck, stay alive, and stay happy. (if that isn't asking for too much!)

-3D

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/15776000/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/15776000/ Mon, 03 Dec 2007 08:12:53 PST

silent prayers is my ode to the people (person) who stuck by me, when everything fell apart. finally, i am drinking tea!

i wish decisions weren't so difficult to make. everything has changed in the past year. what was there is no longer there. none of the innocence or childish dreams.
i guess, the one thing i hate, has to be the fact that life is going by me in a rush.

some days back, i had a long discussion with a few people older than me, wherein i was advised to surrender to the Lord completely in order to find peace. i didn't agree, saying that handing my problems over to the Lord and asking him to solve them, didn't seem right.
the thought is in my head, and just doesn't go away. am i doing the right thing by acting like ms. strong?

i always thought i could judge people well, and that i could solve all my issues on my own. the past year proved me wrong on both counts.

another discussion, which was about love, introduced me to new theories regarding love. apparently, my parents know a lot about love and informed me that my definition of love is positively screwed up...which is relieving information, simply because, i almost gave up on love sometime back...
but, gladly, i am back in the game!

take care all,
good day!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/15529500/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/15529500/ Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:10:38 PST the lessons learnt during this year were priceless, for most of the people i've met, but, i am sure there are lots more who think life is a 'artay'...don't know where i got that dumb word from. but, loving it all the same!
to all my friends, who spilt their coffee and lost their mind; do not worry, we will bounce back and the sun will shine on us. again!
i love the way, the three main festivals, eid, diwali and christmas follow each other. its like constant festivity in the indi land.
a few days ago, a few of my friends and i sat together, disussing the various prospects for the future. we were all planning the next step and my 15 year old sister came in and added intelligently that she wanted to do something in so and so field and persue it in so and so place. the little girl had grown right before me and i felt time slipping through my fingers. i'll be 21 soon and with the years flying past as they do, i keep wondering just how much 'time' do i have? i can't seem to do 'everything' that i want to in good time.
we all sound so big and not to mention, boring! i wish it wasn't so. i wish i could go back to being unbothered and carefree..life was so much more fun that way!
but, its not for me do decide, innit? all i can do is sigh and go on playing the age old game called life..
cheers to partying all night through, to holding someone special real tight on a cold cold night, to making mistakes and to being young and crazy!!
wish everyone a wonderful last two months of the year!!
ta!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/15238213/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/15238213/ Sat, 27 Oct 2007 03:41:11 PDT putting what i liked best, up here.

'These empty roads, these million stars;
won't be enough!'

i go back to the times gone by. don't know why loneliness brings back these memories of a time i thought i had long forgotten!

Festivals of lights;
with the light gone out of my eyes.'

we all need a failed love to fill up our minds. i've heard that its the best topic a writer could have. it certainly makes me feel artsy!

Good day!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/14625967/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/14625967/ Fri, 14 Sep 2007 03:46:41 PDT okay, so as the days go by and the white hair on my head, gets whiter still, i break the mirror. yes, i know, barbaric and all that. with all this work load breaking my back, i am not surprised, i think along the lines of hitler.
oh, alright, let's be nice to the reader of this blog and not make him want to shoot me.
i have now come to a point in life, where i write articles about things people ask me to, so writing this journal is a big feat.

remember that time when you sat on your bed for five minutes and realised that you had wasted sooo much time? oh, yea? that happened to me today morning!

i am writing this to no one in particular, but, why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?
the dal is ready and the rice is burning, won't someone please turn the effing gas off?

i want to explain my situation but, i am losing the thread of words again and again.

let me start from the top. i thought one day, very long ago, that if i cram my day with enough work, i won't have the time to think about all the crap that is going around. so, i did that. now, i don't know what i did.
i want to sit across the table from someone and talk my heart out. like say, for example, tell someone that my back is really paining since the accident and the hot water bag and the painkillers aren't working.
or tell someone that i have given up on love, because no one is there to calm my tense nerves when shit hits the fan.
i can't tell anyone how i really feel cos someone will get hurt during my serenade.
all of this, is mind numbing. so? so, i heat the tea till the water evaporates and cook the rice till its black. then throw both down the drain and sleep hungry.
its easier that way. ignore the issue and drown your misery in a bottle of coca cola. (drinking is injurious to my health!)
sitting here on this chair, i want to get up and start screaming. what do i actually do? smile at the guy beside me and twirl my pen around my finger. this gives everyone the illusion that my mind is calm and at peace.
i then will proceed towards home and curse the rickshaw driver for driving like a nut case and tell my room mate that all of the world should drown in the dead sea. she will give me pitiful look and continue to watch the godforsaken television.
i will cry myself to sleep cos my heart is in pain and wake up with a smile and crack a joke on my room mate. again she will give me the pitiful smile and tell me that i should let out what is on my mind. this will be my turn to give her a pitiful smile.
tell who? tell why? tell how?
who is listening?
who?

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/13337165/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/13337165/ Thu, 14 Jun 2007 01:19:00 PDT
first of all, i have to make umpteen rounds of the university, then, after two whole months, i have a nice, neat file ready with all the documents and then they tell me i need some dozen more documents...funnn...

then after university admission done, i have to beg the college to allow me a seat....

now, they insist on doing online admission. yes, yes, i know, modern india, jet age india, blah blah, bull shit. if you don't know HOW to use a computer, don't!

--

well, that tells everyone how happy i am to be back in my motherland. i have a swanky new apartment(not). i have a brand new ferrari (i wish) and i am enjoying my life (liar liar).

--

to all the bitches out there, hope your life sucks as much as mine does...
keep hating and bitching!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/13063424/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/13063424/ Wed, 23 May 2007 13:25:45 PDT i have heard a lot of people talking about love as if it were their birthright to do so. yes, we all know the story of love. of course, why not. no, we don't. none of us can say we know anything. only one who has loved and lost has any right to start the topic. someone who has held a dying friend in his arms and watched life slipping can tell you what love is. a mother who has watched her child climb into a plane that goes far far away can tell you what love is.
love is letting that one person trod all over you, rip you apart, leave you dying and walk away. love is understanding to let go.
it is mighty difficult, but, not impossible.
my friend dezy wrote a journal about change, maturity, and a lot else. but, what really got me thinking was what he said about us wanting to achieve our dream lives so much all our lives, but, choosing the 'smart' thing when decision time comes. i tried the same thing and suddenly a year later found myself at this point in life where nothing i wanted was what i was running after. all my aspirations were lying between some old pages i had written years ago. i still want each of those things. so, i called up my parents and told them, 'appa, i am changing my major to english honours.'
of course, he was stunned and said i might want to rethink it. i did. all i figured out after much thought was that, i wanted this. i have always wanted it. i am terrible at the language. i don't know a thing about it. i cannot express myself. but, all i know is i am willing to learn. i want to and most importantly, i am dying to.

as for love and all that; who knows? i for one, don't. i honestly thought i did. but, i went ahead and screwed up my relationship with every person i love. all have turned around and blamed me and rightly so. now what? well, i loved and then i let go. let them be happy wherever they want to be happy. i have dreams to run after, and that bank balance to create. who knows tomorrow i might need the money to sit back in a cane chair in my mansion opposite the sea, reading my latest bestselling novel!
big dream? at least i am holding onto mine! i know many others who threw theirs out the train window for well, you know, future, parents, spouses, kids, the list of excuses is endless.
i am keeping mine right in my left pocket. (the right one is for the money my dream will bring in!)
happy dreaming all! its all we have. our dreams. our realities are way too harsh to nurture!!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/12972524/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/12972524/ Wed, 16 May 2007 01:32:36 PDT i could keep saying, yes, i know that you love me, but, there is something that you did, that really hurt me. what does the person you say this to tell you? listen, i love you, i have done the best i could. if you aren't satisfied, too bad. but, remember, i love you. okay?
yes, okay, great. so, what about the problem? the issue i was trying to discuss? uumm...lost somewhere in between the i love you speech.
when you are going through the shittiest phase in life, don't expect anyone to stand by you. why? because, no one will. everyone expects you to understand and be there, but, you won't be returned the favour.
no, it isn't just this one person, i am bitching out here. its everybody. right now, i am going through my life's biggest lowdown. yes, for someone else, this might be a less than minute problem, but, to me, there isn't a bigger issue.
i was trying very hard to stretch my arms out and find someone to hold, not finding anyone i screamed. guess what? i was called mannerless and asked to shut up.
and i did, like hell i did. i shut up, shut off and shut down. looked for the jagged peice of glass that i have great use for. trouble was someone thought it smart to throw it away. well, that's okay. if no glass, i'll find an alternative. not an issue.
i don't know how i find so much solace and peace in hurting myself. ripping my own flesh apart and burning my own skin. it somehow drowns out my mental trauma.
i sound like an angsty teenager and i feel like a rotten loser...
why am i writing a journal and ruining everyone else's mood? oh, well, as i am constantly accused, i am selfish, mean, heartless, concience-less and all that jazz!
also, if anyone else wants to bitch me out or say something mean, please feel free, i like it now. its all i seem to get and i like nothing else anymore!
take care, all..(well atleast those of you who read this.)
have a good day tomorrow!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/12265908/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/12265908/ Wed, 21 Mar 2007 00:06:51 PDT well, i am in college and the funny thing is that i have nothing to do here, and no, i am not exaggerating! this place is so totally dead...people give their attendance and walk out, and come back in the afternoon, give attendance and walk out again,then come in the evening, give attendance and walk out yet again!
of course it sounds like absolute fun, as in i can chill through college and get a degree at the end of four years, but, to me, it is nerve wrecking and soul shattering.
i wonder what to do with my life, sit in class and stare at the few people who haven't walked out and are busy, painting nails, reading novels, chatting on the internet, talking on the phone, and doing everything other than college stuff.
i try and explain to this girl sitting next to me how pointless this whole thing is and she laughs in my face. 'karishma, for heaven's sake, can you, like, chill?'
why, of course i can 'chill'. that is what i am going to do. that is why i am paying a fortune to this college. that is why i left home. of course, 'chill' i will.
after this little exchange i have with the girl dressed in pink from head to toe and again i am not exaggerating, a teacher like creature walks into class. he looks around and mentally counts the number of heads sitting in the class. he hits upon the number 5 and then pulls out 5 sheets from the bundle in his hand. he,then, hands over one sheet to each of the 5 students present. i stare at my copy for a total of 10 minutes, look up at the ceiling and do all that i can to 'not' burst into tears. the sheet says, 'draw five representations for each of the following: air, speed, repetition, red and sadness.'
okay, now the other 4 students get up from their chairs, walk over to the teacher and ask him when do they have to submit the assignment. the teacher thinks hard for 3 whole, long minutes and says, the day after tomorrow. the students then pick up their bags and each one of them gives the teacher a paper that states that they need to go 'out of station' to do 'research' in order to complete the assignment, hence, request him to give them attendance. he nods, takes the papers and walks off. these students, then, either go back to the hostel and sleep, or go the nearest mall or coffee shop or go to watch a movie. of course, these are the places where research is usually done. i am still sitting and gaping at the wall in front of me. no research for me, i guess.

good day to all! and happy college-ing

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11906743/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11906743/ Wed, 21 Feb 2007 10:15:52 PST well, my sister's wedding brought a little pain to me as i fell down the stairs while chasing somebody in a saree (traditional indian dress;with a long cloth draped around the body). i am now sitting with my leg cast in a blue plaster which looks totally cool and i got lots of attention, gifts and chocolates! all of that makes me happy too, so the pain is pretty much forgotten...
my closest friend everrrr has been given a chance to play at the most popular cafe here(he plays the guitar). and this news has just placed me on the seventh heaven....
i am a bit hungry now, and i can smell mutton at a short distance which i think i will be digging into soon...
with all this happening i think i am going to miss all the hustle bustle once i go back to college...
anyways, that is all for now...

p.s. : i think i am getting married soon! D

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11454268/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11454268/ Mon, 15 Jan 2007 22:49:22 PST we all wish we were someone else at some point or the other in our lives. guess, i am going through the i wish i die stage right now. nothing really is going wrong in my life, it is just that feeling we all get wherein you don't really believe that your existence is of any importance and the whole world around you convinces you to believe that you are best left alone in the dumps.
funny thing is, out of the many people i know and love, it was my mother who made me feel better and less like dying. sometimes the one person you spend a greater part of your life fighting against is the one person who saves your day and makes your life worthwhile.
this really isn't a planned journal and i am just typing away whatever comes to my mind. i know that no one reads this, but, it gives me a lot of peace of mind, writing here. makes me feel lighter.
sometimes you get blamed for having too many problems, or you get blamed for not being there, etc. these accusations just never end. there is always something new you are going to be held responsible for. there really is nothing you can do, except for hope that the next day brings light with it. but, it does not. the light we are so desperately looking for is somewhere inside us. we just refuse to see it. wish we did. wish i did.
i can list down a million things that i hate. but, what good would that do? nothing really. so i won't do that. instead i will be spend some useful time going over where i went wrong!
take care
be good...

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11098809/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11098809/ Sun, 17 Dec 2006 20:05:02 PST “And to wish that I could take you away
To a world
Where we don't need to believe
In princesses and fairy tales
Because they’re all true anyway.”
I am one of those hopeless romantics who looked for love everywhere. unfortunately for me and I am sure for most of us, love eludes us. (something about a butterfly should come here, but, I am a bit tired of the example!) the funny thing about love is that we look for it feverishly and then, eventually, settle for whatever comes closest to our definition of love. then, we sit back and continue with our everyday activities as the one very important task is over and now the love of our life is in our life. just as we are getting ready to get used to their taste in coffee, we run into mr./ms. right; as the case may be. suddenly, all hell breaks lose. how can we fall in love more than once? how can more than one person fall in love with us? is this love? if this is, then what was that? we have a million questions questioning us. no, this isn’t another journal about love. it is something that makes me think a lot. not just the love for that ‘one’ individual, but love in general. I can easily say that after many years, I am actually facing my fears, without any fear. love was the biggest question that my life faced. just how much love do we need so that we can feel nurtured? I felt the easiest way to do away with my problems was to run. run away from them or just block them out of reality. I remember clearly on days, when the whole world seemed to be eating away my laughter, I’d run for miles and miles, tiring myself out so much that I’d sleep like a baby as soon as I hit bed. now, for the first time, I am not all that afraid to stare at the ceiling and think about the issues, though, I am still a little vary of this action. I was asked by one of my deviant friends what my story was, and I was little surprised to be asked this. I had been asked the same question in a more subtle way by someone who is possibly the closest person to me in this whole world. I found it difficult to relate it to him, without breaking into fresh bouts of tears every five minutes. so, when this question was posed to me on deviantart, I had no idea how to react. was I ready to tell the world of my mistakes? yes, I am. ready to accept things and get rid of the fears that prevent me from having a life. fears that make me distrust the one person I love the most. I shocked myself the day I admitted to having a certain fear. I never thought I would say it out aloud, but I did, and ever since, that thought has not crossed my mind. its out of my system and I am hoping I can get rid of everything else that is plaguing my heart. a journal should help? geez, I don’t really know….
not knowing isn’t going to prevent me from trying, I suppose. so, just like everyone else, I am going to give a shot to something I’ve never really done. not now, perhaps, but, soon enough. for now, I’d just like to thank these two wonderful guys for making me tell!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11047092/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/11047092/ Wed, 13 Dec 2006 03:45:24 PST
]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10589264/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10589264/ Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:22:36 PST I sat with my friend yesterday, telling her about how my relationship with my guy or ex? was going down the drain. Well, she told me, ‘Karishma, love is a weird thing. To me, love is, being able to fall asleep on the phone without feeling embarrassed. Sometimes, long silences are so comfortable, that, you don’t really mind them.’
Another one of my friends has been through a series of relationships in the past three months and claims each one was true love. What happened to each, then? Well, she got bored, apparently. She says, ‘I am not ready for commitment.’ She does not believe in the one is for one theory, which clearly states that for every one individual, someone special is made. ‘Special someone.’
Now, I don’t quite know what my theory is. I will find out, I guess. Another amazing theory I have heard went something like, ‘Love? What love?’ Yea, I know. Amazing to the ‘n’. Chances are, this person will be the happiest of the lot.
I have a room mate, who claims she was completely in love with her boyfriend and so was he. (Well, the way it went, he probably was, completely in love with himself!) Then, what went wrong? I asked her. She replied with a huge pout, ‘he loves me too much to see me go through the pain of living away from him. (By the way, he lives in the States and she in India.) Well, if easing her pain is what he was doing, then, why not just tell her that? He gave her some real far fetched theory of falling out of love.
There is one girl who lives two floors below me and has been with her guy for the past two years. They intend on getting engaged next year. At the age of nineteen and with no educational degree to back them up. Love? Uumm…I really don’t know! Maybe!
And yet another case, of a girl two years older than her boyfriend. She tells me that she has never met a more perfect guy. He sings, plays the guitar, dances, drives well, is hot, etc etc. My question to her was pretty simple, what is perfect? To me, perfect would be someone who gels well with me. To her, it is a bunch of characteristics. Different perspective on life, I guess. She told me that I was with a loser, ‘cos he didn’t have any of her above mentioned qualities. I found her theory a bit annoying, though, I decided to bite my lip. Why get into an argument with a mentally challenged individual?
Love is an over used word and ‘I love you’, is an over used term. Neither seems to be of any consequence to individuals these days. Its almost like, I have a hot date to take to the club tonight. Oh yea, he also pays the bills at home.
Weird life we all are living. We don’t know what we want from our so-called partner, but, expect him to have the answers to what he wants as well as what we want!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10544386/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10544386/ Sun, 29 Oct 2006 04:18:11 PST I threw this line at one of my friends and she responded to me by saying, "Yeah! Look at us!” that's when it struck me, most of my friends and closest people are individuals i hated at first sight. Of course, it had something to do with the way they presented themselves, nothing practical or rational about the emotion.
They say opposites attract, but, how true is this well accepted 'fact'? I mean, my best friend is exactly like me, and hence, I can spend hours just drinking the same cup of coffee and saying nothing to her and yet, by the end of it, feel like it was an evening well spent. I don't really have to waste my breath explaining my current predicament to her, because either she has seen the same or can understand how I am feeling. It just makes life much simpler. Then, there is this age old question that comes to mind, "doesn't a relationship lose its charm if you know all about the person?" I mean, if the person is different from you, it's fun just getting to know the person. Everyday comes with a new surprise and you get a whole new perspective on life.
Just a few days back, I went out to dinner with an old friend. We ordered chicken and when the dish arrived, he tore at it with all his might. I sat staring at the once gorgeous looking chicken. Taking whatever was left on the platter; I picked up my fork and knife and went about meticulously cutting it into smaller portions. Later that evening, we had a huge discussion on leasing out my apartment. He came up with the idea of renting it out to college students rather than leaving it empty to rot. I thought it was a wonderful idea and admired the thought as I hadn't really thought of the gains of the proposal. I was a bit too obsessed with the notion 'what is mine, stays mine.' Silly me!
anyhow to come to the end of this awfully long journal, all I’d like to say, is that, I don't think I’ll ever be sure, if I should stick to people of my feather or look for the other side of the coin!!

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10452342/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10452342/ Fri, 20 Oct 2006 05:08:11 PDT things have been weird for a very long time, now. so long, that weird almost seems normal. no, i am not complaining. i love it here....
running, hiding and lying to those i love. yes, i love it. why? well, because the reason i am lying is the most beautiful reason ever.
college life? yes, i am thinking of writing something on that topic. quite interesting how college life can be everything you did not imagine. leaving home, meeting new people, living in the same room with people you barely know and learning to deal with the pile of unwashed clothes and unpaid bills. yes, it is all very different, but, fun all the same.
i have not been able to post as regularly as i would like to and for once, i have a valid reason....college!
anyhow, i will try and be more active here. though, i still can't be too sure. other than college load i have a reason; i don't quite write as much as i used to. well, 'cos i am studying designing and my course involves zero writing. so much so, that, i don't even own a decent pen. everytime, i try to look for one, i find some pencils, paint brushes, bow pens and other stuff i use to create art.... not much worthwhile art is created anyway.
okay, that has been a longggg journal.
more later....
love you all
thanks for hanging around....
-to choose from the choices is easy, to create a new choice is what i am here to do

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10432769/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/10432769/ Wed, 18 Oct 2006 10:05:59 PDT i don't know why i want to write here....i just want to let everyone know how fucked up things can get....
surprisingly, i thought my main issues would be with adjusting with the college life...but,surprisingly, there were other things that screwed me up...
guys, i hope you know that i am talking about you. the two of you together are the ones that messed me up....so bad....
take care all...
rock on....
love you both to bits...

]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/9903976/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/9903976/ Wed, 30 Aug 2006 05:02:36 PDT The words don’t flow and yet they stay,
Holding onto your dreams and looking for my own,
Looking for the right things to say and not finding any.

Threading through the mediums of the unknown,
She stands there watching an unknown imagery.
Not knowing the right words to tell him,
And wondering just what he might say.

And then, he says what he has to,
Hoping she will tell him,
She knows she can’t; there is just too much to lose.

She thinks she knows that this is it,
The last time around she did too,
This time, her heart hurts to tell him,
She may see through him,
Into his heart.

Her words could tear their world apart,
But, does she really care?
For once, she is the princess, and this is her fairytale.
Two princes and one heart,
Its her choice to make,
And she does.

Only one heart to break,
One promise to make,
She knows she will see,
Just what is meant to be,
Where did her innocence go?
Or did she grow into the woman she was meant to be?

With every wave, she grew closer to him and
Her heart felt alive and real and like her….
He knows, she knows and now they all will find out too.
The woman is the bitch,
And she does not really care,
Because today, it’s just her and her life and her beautiful smile….. ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/8697438/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/8697438/ Sun, 07 May 2006 05:14:25 PDT Life did not explain the situation to me and now i am asked to provide explanations. I can't comprehend...how do i explain then?


you can't hear me.
you can't feel me.
i am stuck in this body,willing for life to breathe.
pain and misery....sins of my life...????
i can't change what your departure made me.
you promised me that you'd stay...
well, so do they...
i am asked to understand when everyday i misunderstand.
i am asked to answer when everyday i question.
have you no pain?
have you no pity?
see me,know me and understand this is me.....
plead it,know it...imagine the pain....and accept me...
accept everything except me...
can't find you, lost in the pain...
give me a reason to believe that you're gone...
i know you're here...that's why i am here...
you're deathly presence is killing my present...
leave me.....love me?
leave me if you love me....
something is missing....me.... ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/8577622/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/8577622/ Tue, 25 Apr 2006 03:57:49 PDT sometimes, it feels good to just watch your life happening.....i don't think that line makes sense...but, it just seemed in line with my thought. new experiences and hectic schedules have prevented me from putting up new work and i am also very sorry for not replying to the comments and deviations....lack of time and extremely worked up brain are to blame! hopefully things will get better now...let's see. i will reply to all the comments in good time...thank you guys sooooooo much for commenting!
take care all
love...
peace out ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7846287/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7846287/ Thu, 09 Feb 2006 12:07:06 PST going fast is going slow...
it could've been, we'll never know...
nothing is ever what it seems,
when you live inside your dreams...
the walls will tumble
the walls will tumble
but im not going to cry
my heart wont crumble
if we ever say goodbye
where is the fire
where is the smoke??

i will be strong, even if it all goes wrong...

Mood: reflecting the event
Listening to: wherever you will go- calling
Reading: school books :(
Watching: none!! :(

i will not say a word to you,if we ever say goodbye.
i won't hold on tight if you want to let go.
i won't tie you down if you want to fly...
--

i want to make a change and hold onto my faith. i want to hear my voice and rise. i want be me. free like a bird. i was born to fly away. no one can hold me down.
i want to laugh. i want to sing. i want to just be the person i am. i hate worrying, i hate being depressed. why doesn't anyone understand that??
people think i like NOT smiling. i like spreading unhappiness.
i am just an ordinary girl with small dreams.
my biggest dream is to be happy always.
i like teeny things, not big things
money, lots of heavy jewellery, etc , don't make me happy. i like tiny anklets, i like the sun set, the ocean water against my feet.
small things.
all you have to do to make me smile is tell me how much you love me.
that is all.
how difficult is it to try and make me smile?
trouble is, no one ever tried. but, everyone takes the opportuninty to complain about my depression.
my question is has anyone tried to solve the problem?

--

i have a lot of energy inside me and i am going to something about it.
i can make people laugh and laugh a lot. i am going to make sure i do it mroe often.
i am sick of people calling me depressed.
next time someone tells me that i look depressed, i am going to ask them what they have done to help my cause, flip my hair, roll my eyes and walk away!!!!!!!!

take care all
peace out! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7837160/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7837160/ Wed, 08 Feb 2006 12:10:13 PST sooner or later it will eat me up. so i think i would rather throw the emotions out and not wait till it chews the skin off me...

Mood: feeling at ease
Listening to: goo goo dolls- iris
Reading: school books :(
Watching: none!! :(

i think i am feeling more at ease. spent some time crying in front of people i generally don't cry in front of. actually, i prefer crying in private. hate people seeing how weak i am. considering the fact that all my life, i fought to prove how bloody strong i am.
some words of advice come at the most unexpected moments.
sometimes supportive hands find their way into yours when you least expect them to. sometimes you are too busy trying to feel the blood running through your arms that you don't notice someone's fingers lace with yours.
these are the feelings that make your day. they are the emotions that are running through each and every one of us and yet, we all ignore them.
it could be anybody who could provide you with that earnest comfort. a friend, a foe, your love, your sibling. anybody.
it all comes in good time. i have rekindled my faith in the Lord. thanks to my special someone. he made me realise that there are little things in our daily lives that are nothing less than miracles. there has to be a God who is doing all this.
there are these awful times in life when you wish you could just die. but, for the rest of it. the times we are actually spending alive are the miracles He has sent us. every smile on our lips. every song in our hearts has a reason behind it.
i have found my angel and i know for sure that he was sent onto this earth just for me. i guess, we all have to find our own angels.
that's it for now...i guess....

take care all
peace out! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7818205/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7818205/ Mon, 06 Feb 2006 11:37:18 PST
!?!?!?!?

i don't know how shit life is!
first i get more than i expected in business and i am like sooooo happy, then all of a sudden my folks aren't too happy with my marks!
they want moooore
like do marks hang on trees that i just pick out some?
then, i am told that i have to study in india!
heylo???? can people decide already???????
why keep me hanging ?? like i don't have enough shit already!
--
to top it all up, he doesn't come online....
i had sooooo much good news to give him, then soooo much bad news ...
basically sooooo much to tell!!!!!!!!!
--
basically, i am just very scared. i feel so alone, like i am fighting the battles on my own. it is scary, i don't think i can face the sun any longer. it is burning me down.
i don't mean to complain or anything, but, i am scared. period!
i can't even sleep nights and all of a sudden dunking one morsel of bread down my throat has become the most difficult task ever given to me!
--

ok! done with my droning!
still happy about the free subscription!

--
i will still be strong,
even if it all goes wrong.
the walls will tumble,
but my heart wont crumble,
if we ever say goodbye.

i guess i will learn to live with my smile even when you are not there to admire it. i will still be able to laugh knowing once upon a time you loved the sound of my laughter. i will stand in front of the mirror and stare at my eyes knowing that sometime back you used to stare at it...
love you, baby!

take care all
peace out! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7799029/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7799029/ Sat, 04 Feb 2006 11:34:36 PST suddenly, i have been compensated greatly for all that i lost!!!!

well, free subscription!!!!!! yayyyyyyyyy
wanted it for sooooo long!!!!!!
and now it is mine! i am soooo totally going to use it to the fullest...
one journal per day...i know people are going to get sooo bored of seeing sooo much of me! but, hell, this does not happen everyday!
just like the farewell that i am forced to miss
evil pride and useless ego...and then you wonder why!?!
but, there are no answers, not that i care at the moment..
i have God's greatest gift with me...in my thoughts all the time!
okay, okay, won't start blabbering about him now

just a big THANK YOU to deviantART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!

take care all
peace out! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7672759/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7672759/ Sun, 22 Jan 2006 04:39:15 PST
I jump the moment things go out of the prescribed norm! I might end up pushing everyone away, so, I am just going to take some time off and try and work my head out!
I feel like saying a lot of things, but, this society is stopping the words. Can't say what I want to, lest, I break the norms that have been set.
I have lived against the damn society for so long that now I cannot get myself to live with it's stupid notions. I just want to be who I am. Plain and simple. But I can't! And why can't I? Well, simply because, it is not accepted by a bunch of people who can't think for themselves. Everyone is living to please someone else. I don't think that it is necessary. But, who gives a damn as to what I think?
I don't like romantic music that is soothing...
I like music that has lotsssss of drums banging...
Does that make me a weird person?
I prefer wearing black. HATE colours.
Does that make me a bad person?
Why can't people accept who I am? The more I alter myself, the more I am going to hate this person, people want me to be.
I hate wearing girly stupid clothes!
I want to go back to those days when all people associated me with was Basketball. Nothing else.
I don't like talking to people. Then, why am I expected to stand like a doll with a stupid plastic smile and make conversation?
Why should I live everyone else's dreams?
What if I say I hate Business? Why the hell should I attend stupid Business school?
I want to do nothing but what I like! How difficult is it to let me be? Even when you let me be me, you insist on telling me, just exactly how I should be me!
Just because I cannot pay for university myself, I must suffer?
What if I decide to kick this bloody society right in its crotch and do what I want to do?
What if I drop out and go my own way? Not worry about my tomorrow and live for my today; in my today?
Who the hell is going to stop me? And with what right?
But, fact remains, I don't have the guts to walk out on all of it. I know deep down that I am going to let myself suffer. Only because, those who I love want this society more than they want me. Because, they want to live here in this society.
I am to suffer for those whom I love.
And love isn't suppose to be an imprisonment?!?! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7616661/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7616661/ Mon, 16 Jan 2006 03:16:56 PST grrrr.... *bites nails*
this is sooo not fun, eh? exams...exams....exams....
a bit too tied up? nah, a bit too tied DOWN...
well, technically, it has been an oh so boring week...
sorta like, i am alive but can't feel a thing, kinda week...
why do people call other people suicidal?!?!
for Chrissake, give me a break, already?

facts about me:
i am not suicidal
i have dreams and i am going to make them come true,damn right i am
i am happy
i love music(yea, i know, i can't sing, so?)
i love ice cream(yea, i have a perpetual sore throat, again, so?)
i am in an extremely pissed off mood(your usual,i can chew your head off,pissed off mood)

end of facts..
i have no clue, why i feel like this. but i do! just read another someone's journal. and guess what, she feels just like me! *snickers*
guess, it is the post holiday mood!
also, if anyone wants to talk to me post a comment, write a note or whatever...
i am not going to go looking for people in trouble anymore...*sighs*
i am tired of taking shit...nothing will ever be enough..
no matter how hard you try, you always be the second fiddle..!
--
learnt to cook, do the laundry, buy the grocery, do EVERYONE'S room, keep the whole place spick and span.... and yet,i forgot to cook the rice!!
hell, what about the rest that i did?????
*bangs fists*
--
just learnt to use italics, bold lettering etc...
thanks merzhin...
have thanked you a hell lot in the past week, haven't I?
--
for the rest, have an awesome time, everybody!
best of luck to those having exams
and love to all those who feel like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7570895/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7570895/ Wed, 11 Jan 2006 05:24:27 PST but, with a difference.
i am going to write about all the things that i did wrong in life and why i think no one should do what i did.
i have a lot to be grateful for.
my boyfriend, who is an angel.
my parents, who care about me.
my sister, who loves me a lot.
my friends, who would gladly die for me.
i am sure, everyone has this ray of hope in their lives.
we just forget to notice it.
i think we all should look beyond ourselves and concentrate on the people who love us. we hurt them more by hurting ourselves.
i saw sheer pain in someone else, when i did shit...
that made me realize that i would not trade the love i have been given for any shitty momentary pleasure!
i am sorry for hurting the people (rather person), i hurt...
if it is possible, do forgive me.
and i promise never to hurt myself again!!!!!
love ya all
good to be back! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7533188/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7533188/ Sat, 07 Jan 2006 07:05:43 PST but today i choose to take a different path,
choose NOT to make the same huge mistakes,
i don't hate you, i can't,
love you for changing every wrong in me,
it is a pity you didn't have the balls to stick up for me,
feel sorry that you are so weak,
thought you were stronger,
thought the world of you.
but hey, dream is over,
it is good morning to me in all entirity.
today, i won't make the easy choice,
don't need rehab; no way!
just need time.........
now i have enough time.
i have the rest of MY life to pull up my socks.
this aint a journal entry, this is my final good bye,
to you; to deviantART,
going away from your life,
leaving everything you gave me behind.
this art site, this happiness, everything.
but, i am taking our love with me.
i need something to pull me through life.
thnks again...
take care!!!!!!!!!!!
and love to all at deviantART.
its a wonderful site.
taught me a hell lot...
guess, i have to continue alone from now.... ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7505316/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7505316/ Wed, 04 Jan 2006 05:06:01 PST gosh! i am in a really sucky mood as of now. i could kill my friend for doing this to me. there are these times when you've known someone forever and suddenly he is like this stranger and you can't even talk to him. it is crazy. i feel so lost. he was my only link to my origins. my only reality. sometimes i think he still blames me for all the shit that happened. i mean i know, i blame myself, but...??
i am sitting here, waiting for him to call or mail me or something, in fact anything. he has not even come online!
it is killing me. i don't see how i can help this situation. or am i even supposed to?
kish...kish...kish...kish...
gosh! that name was my identity and today... i don't hear it...anywhere....
it is gone. dead and yet, i am waiting...
please don't let this die...
please don't let me die...
hell! no one is listening...
why??????????????????????? ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7472936/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7472936/ Sat, 31 Dec 2005 22:56:09 PST where do i begin?
clearly the best new year celebration i ever had.....
i feel so blessed that i had him right beside me as i begun the new year...
if anything, i was at peace the whole time. nothing bothered me and i danced, danced a lot and danced only for him. no one else in the room mattered!
it is funny how he means sooooooooo much to me.

second, one of my very close friends was there too. it made the night all the more worthwhile. she of course, had only nice things to say about him!

my sister was there too and i am so glad i have a little baby sister of my own. she is the most adorable kid ever.

well, that is about all ... i guess.....
my parents were there too..
and i really don't want to get into details...

anyways, hope everyone enjoyed the celebrations..
and i hope everyone enters the new year with lots of good luck and lots and lots of hope!

dezy, merzhin and lyerthruteeth, hope this is hope enough...

for once, i can't stop smiling. can't erase the images and can't stop staring at the picture (of .... and me)

rock on everybody!
have a great year and an awesome life.... ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7443535/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7443535/ Wed, 28 Dec 2005 21:06:14 PST but anyways no one missed me, so it don't matter...
in fact, people are quite honest about it...
three months....????
just one person had the courtesy to respond to my previous journal entry!!!!!!!!!!!
thnks Season, at least you did!
apart from all the crap that i have been dished out, it has been an extremely quiet Christmas.
not that i expected more out of it, considering the way everything is falling apart.
anyhow, my friend is here for the holidays. hope to spend some time with her.
i really have no idea what the new year will bring. and frankly, i am totally NOT looking forward to it.
this year has not been sucky in the least bit, yet, i am not too sure, if i got all that i was entitled to get.
for some odd reason, i am finding it extremely difficult to be optimistic, not that i ever am. but, the new year should bring a sense of hope. for me, i am just feeling very disconnected.
absolutely nothing is falling into place.

thing is, if i ask you to keep in touch, you will.
otherwise you won't.
if i ask you to miss me, you will act like you do.
otherwise you won't.
i mean, technically, everything is pretty damn screwed up.
but anyways, don't want to drone on about the shit.
shit is just shit.
not worth words. or maybe i don't have the right words to describe the fact that i want to stand in an open space and scream. i want to pick up a gun and shoot myself. i want to do a lot more destructive things, but i guess, all will have to wait?!?! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7358860/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7358860/ Mon, 19 Dec 2005 21:42:00 PST 1. a movie
2. a book
3. a musical artist, song, or album

B) THEN I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. No kidding, ANYTHING, I'll give you the absolute honest truth, to the best of my ability, though I reserver the right to say that's too personal

C) Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything. ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7305995/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7305995/ Wed, 14 Dec 2005 02:12:00 PST where do i begin?
if i could go on and on, i probably would do so, with not more than one word of encouragement...
i probably had the most wonderful time yesterday. and today in school, everyone said such nice things about him, i almost died blushing....
i almost begin to wonder, what the hell is he doing with me?
but frankly, i don't want an answer, lest it be negative....
my every single thought revolves around him!
i don't think i have ever loved ice cream more...
i have not slept all night, nor have i had any decent food. but surprisingly, i am not sleepy nor am i hungry, i am just happy!
these things make no sense, i am sure!
but i am so glad that they are happening to me!!!!!! it has been so long since i actually was happy or genuinely smiled. lived a fake life for so long, that real happiness is a welcome change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know if i am in love, all i know is that i am happy .... very happy!
and i really hope happiness is enough to carry me through life....

wishing everyone a happy happy day
and a wonderful week, month, year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
take care all.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7272917/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7272917/ Sat, 10 Dec 2005 10:38:06 PST
i just want you to know, that no matter what, you will always be my number one. not second. no way. i am sorry that i could not hear you out when you were pissed but i wish i could take the frustration away and make it mine. i know even if i wrap my words around you, it aint gonna make you feel better, but right now, it is all i can offer you. i love you. i love you. i love you. and i love you.

it will be all right. people will forget, but i want YOU to forget. knowing our relationship, you would know, that, nothing works out the way it is supposed to. everything works on that principle!

i would kiss away all the misery, i would, trust me.
i just want to see you smile. today and everyday.

I love u. I love u. I love u. I love u.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7251621/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7251621/ Wed, 07 Dec 2005 22:37:09 PST
and if it is going to be happy, it has to be about him!!!!

well, for starters...... i was hoping he would notice something and very pleasantly, he did!!!!!!! yay!!!!

so, here's to you......

you saw what i did not show you...
you saw right through me..

i love the way, i don't have to say....
i love the way, i don't have to explain...

it has never been this way before..
i always had to show people...

you saw it , you saw me.
you saw the light in me...

you know my every thought...
you know my every move

for all the times, i have been unreasonable, you gave a reason to my actions....

after all the shit....i know why i am still smiling.....

cz i have YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7235146/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7235146/ Tue, 06 Dec 2005 04:10:04 PST it has been one helluva nastly roll coaster ride for me.

hate the way things have been.
had a major show down with my best frnd.....
about stuff that has been botherin me for a while.

just realised... i make a terrible frnd
TERRIBLE!

first, my best frnd gets hurt
next thing i know, the one person i want to confide in has his/her own set of frnds....n i don't feature there....

i think people take too much for granted too soon.
but there isn't much i can do to change the situation.

just know that pullin away will do me good.

pple think its betta to keep your problems to yourself and to deal with it on your own. i think they think that way because they don't want to share your shit, they happen to have enough of their own.

weird part is, for a while i am on the track where i love myself and life is hunky dory. then suddenly, reality hits me in the face and again my world falls apart.

i find it so difficult to trust. in fact, somedays, i don't even want to believe any word i say to myself either.

it is funny, but i can't seem to get a grip on my emotions.

i have almost become like a parasite.
i NEED people to fall back on.
sadly, no one is willing to catch me before i fall, catch me before i hit the ground.

i don't really know if IT is sad or I am sad.
either way, my sadistic outlook seems to help.
every wrong thing i do to ease the pain, seems to be the ultimate reliever.......

ne wyz

i had a great day, all in all.....
i am happy, hope the world is too.... ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7216719/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7216719/ Sun, 04 Dec 2005 00:45:20 PST in my own head....
im lost.....
in ure heart....
im lost.....
in the big world......
need u to hold me tight.......


guess my series was a major failure...
but lately evrythin has been a dissapointment

the days are seemingly empty.......
i know for sure...my heart is empty

i have been offered a choice
n i want BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!




sweetheart, help me.......
cz i know my confusion will find answers in ure words....in ure arms.....

bt nor do i have ure words.....nor u.........

find me before im completely lost
catch me before i hit the ground...........

am i makin sense?? ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7155122/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7155122/ Sun, 27 Nov 2005 04:27:18 PST ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7092577/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7092577/ Sat, 19 Nov 2005 22:51:17 PST its been another shit night and another fuckin new day
havnt signed into messenger as yet
been goin thru deviant for a while now
rote some crap tht i put under "poetry"
for some reason there are a few pple who think like me
dont have to ryt my own feelings down
they did it for me.
feel very cut off

there isnt any pain, there is just numb realisation
the dream is over

red is back to black
however difficult it was it is goin to just become worse

i dont blame u for this
i swear to God i dont
i love u goddamit
n i wud never hold u responsible
ever.
but something's are just like tht
u made a wrong decision

whenever we take a step, it is important we make sure we really know the person well enuf
question u shud have askd urself is 'do i really want this crap in my life?' , 'do i have the patience to put up with this?'

i dont think u shud b sorry now.
i dont think i shud b

n i dont know y im rytin this here

honestly? i want u to knoe.
but i dont have the guts to tell u

i cant tel her, cz she loves u too
but i cant keep quite, cz i will choke if i do.

info is gud.....i l do fyn
take care

its a journal?
its a letter!

im actuli goin public with our shit
but i also know no one bothers readin this
n whoever does wont care

cz they either dont knoe me
or dont knoe u

so dont wrry.
n i wont tell ne one. ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7087224/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/7087224/ Sat, 19 Nov 2005 08:27:20 PST
have to learn to leave the enter button alone!!!

sittin here bored to death

thinkin abt how stupid i am

left the rice on the gas n it burnt to a dark shade of black!!

have to learn to watch it next tym!

my best frnd is an angel

n im bored eh?

well im stoppin now

take care everybody!!!!!!!!!

love all!!!!!!!

peace! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6987882/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6987882/ Tue, 08 Nov 2005 06:41:16 PST
i love the cartoon strips pple make

also love photomanipulation

photography

etc...........

bt im doin ntn to wrk on my wrk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all im doin is makin journal entries!!!!!!!

gaaahhhh

this is bad!

i knoe...........bt wt to do?

im jes not gud enuf!!

and scared to make a fool of myself by postin sumthin bad!

sheer complexity of the not so confident human mind!

wil my best critic see ma wrk??

or sit wid a screwed up internet for eternity???

ah! my rotten luck!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6980467/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6980467/ Mon, 07 Nov 2005 11:59:13 PST
jes realised

im following a pattern

poem ; picture ; poem ; picture

guess wt!! i am gonna continue to do so

i still misssss himmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bt im gonna wait till he calls

hehehehehehe!!!!!!

till then im gonna suffer in isolation.......!!! :S

take care evrybody

p.s. deviantart is soooooooooo addictive!!!!!!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6971068/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6971068/ Sun, 06 Nov 2005 11:48:43 PST
dunno y the hell im ritin here

guess im scared to mail him

he neva cheks here so ha! dosen matter wt i ryt here

im feelin soooooo weird

ma xams r here

ma life is so pointless

ma fears r baseless

but im scared

once u find love. u dont wanna lose it

not again!!!!!!! no way!

k now i sound crazy

but i misssssssss him!!!!!!!!!!

angie??? u dere??? keep him in a box fer me ..... pls...............

thanks hun!

hws it up there??? heaven's doin gud? ]]> ~deepdarkdesires http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6962047/ http://deepdarkdesires.deviantart.com/journal/6962047/ Sat, 05 Nov 2005 11:45:52 PST
its been a wonderful few days

learnt a hell lot

n also prioritised things in ma life

thanks a hell lot to the person hu introduced me to deviantart

nt jes fer gettin this place to me

bt also fer bein there, bein the person he/she is, n fer makin this world a betta place fer me to live in

i hate the way things have been fer me, bt eva since i realised i cud fall bak on u, i see things in betta light

hope i can b to u wt all u have becum to me

n e wyz

guess thts about it

lets c if i ryt another journal entry

till then

take care everybody

n keep up the great wrk u all r doin!

hope i can fill my space up well!!

best of luck to me!!!!!!!!! ]]> ~deepdarkdesires