http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:defmans7&section=today deviantART RSS for by:defmans7 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:06:17 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/21471299/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/21471299/ Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:33:44 PST
here's some awesome art that i've found recently.








these pieces and artists among others, have inspired to get back in to it.
big loves!!!

def.

]]> ~defmans7 http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/20911223/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/20911223/ Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:05:57 PDT So here goes.

Things in my life have been pretty stable lately, I guess. And who can complain when that happens, although stability has a tendency to often become boring. And this I suppose would pose a problem in the long run. There are many distractions for me to navigate around at this time in my life, and also some very big things that need my full attention. But the tendency is to lean towards focusing attention on these distractions, sometimes even with the encouragement of people I call friends. Just reading back over what I have written, it seemed little boring. So let's get onto the subject, which I described as the trade winds of your hearts sea, what I'm getting at here is at the moment I'm feeling a very strong pull in a good direction in my life, whereas before I had no direction and was floating about aimlessly sad, sorry, empty.

]]> ~defmans7 http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/18671789/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/18671789/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:51:11 PDT
then one day you fall asleep reading a book about snow

where will the other people go?
nobody will know...

his hair stands on it's heads, upside-down to the grass on the ground
we all see these little miracles all the time in slow motion, but never really take the time to find them again

who is the man in the looking glasses? is he looking for himself? i know you know i don't know.

please help your own head from falling through the sky and onto the infinite love of the rest of everything that is not alive or here with us now. some strive to be alive, and most don't know why, some want to die, while others that wish not to are given another's gift. a mothers gift will eventually fade, though you will never know when or why. between the lies are truths to find, and will sometimes explode in a rush of hate or spite.

all for the rest of time, the arrow of time will not turn, but will bend at times of great stress, unless you are a quantum particle, and you can neither see or feel being shot with this great arrow, as rules and regulations for you are too far above your head to see. and maybe you can't even read... none, not one will now, but you.

for now i'm done, until another time we will...

]]> ~defmans7 http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17985800/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17985800/ Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:28:15 PDT
why do i feel it come and go? i feel high when it's near me, and feel a loss when it's gone, the way i act when it's gone slowly burns a hole in my soul. until i find a way to wipe it clean leaving a charred mark on what was once a beautiful surface.

though i don't want to be with or without it. if i can't have it, i want to feel the loss tearing away at me inside. i am addicted to something i have no control over.

i'll chase it wherever i think i can smell it, like a dog to a paper plate once used to hold a steak.

sometimes i can plan to find it, to ambush and trap it, and without fail, just before it's time to make the greatest discovery of my emotional history, i'll stumble and graze my chin on a coarse flat rock, or fail to act completely, leaving it for someone else to keep, have, hold, and take for granted.

i have managed to trap some, though not the ones i set out to. not the ones i long and ache for. the ones i catch are not designed for me, but are perfect for someone else.

my face is sore, my eyelids are heavy, my upper back aches from constant tension and i'm finding self loathing a comforting thought.

why is there a need to escape ones self?

maybe this is why i alway lose what i almost find...





,def.

]]> ~defmans7 http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17982094/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17982094/ Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:19:40 PDT
from time to time i find myself at a peak of self interest. sometimes it feels as though the peak is one of a big breaking wave, and i'm about to fall for a while and be hurt.
i find today is one of those times. and i'm headed down the face of the wave, faster than the wave is breaking.
it's like the interactions with and expectations of others are pushing me further forward than i am comfortable traveling. kinda like when a country has higher inflation than optimum, then has to raise interest rates or try to reduce unemployment to counter this (thanks to economics 102 for that analogy). but the interest rate rise i feel is such a huge correction, that my inner stock market crashes. all the positive that has pushed me to feel so confident in myself is no longer valid. i have a gaping hole for validation.

this is not a new problem...

i'm tired


.def.

]]> ~defmans7 http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17890379/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17890379/ Thu, 17 Apr 2008 03:15:21 PDT
i was traveling, floating or flying around, i saw that the earth was suffocating from smoke and dust, the earth was dying and very close to death, or so i thought...

because people caused this great change in the livability of their own planet, they effectively painted themselves into a corner. this then resulted in a rather large portion of all life on earth to die, leaving some bacteria, some insects, some sea life, and a handful of people.

i saw after all this subsided a great heaving, like someone shaking the rug from the hallway. making it all right again, like 'the etcha sketch end of the world' (eddie izzard). thus allowing a more simple, sustainable life to grow.

who knows really? i may be wrong...


.def.

]]> ~defmans7 http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17887521/ http://defmans7.deviantart.com/journal/17887521/ Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:17:04 PDT
-sigh-

so this is the first blog or journal entry i've commenced since i removed myself from myspace. in hind-sight, only good has come from this move. however the reason i deleted it was not completely positive. this is irrelevant though.

it feels good to have the freedom to articulate my thoughts to the masses once again. and the anonymity of this medium whilst still being recognised for my art fills one with a strange new feeling.

lately i've been feeling some interesting things going on in my head.

for those of you playing at home, the last 12 months have been quite rough in terms of me. about this time last year, i had no job, i hated my girlfriend, i had no plans, i wanted out. the build up was quite linear, and the peak of frustration and depression landed quite heavily on the 31st of july, where i decided to make the apex of my negative thoughts a reality.

and i came up with the following...

i woke up one morning without a will to live. i guess this mental state had been waiting to show in me for some time, however, i never thought it would hit so hard. firstly i reasoned with myself. "why do i feel this way?" i asked. then i went on to explain to myself that it was part of the journey of my life, my soul. that i needed to have a crisis and die at this age for my soul to learn the experience that is death by suicide at a young and virile age. i cried, and focused all my energies on the contemplation of my horribly saddening, yet still somehow beautiful demise. and now, better than ever before, my emotional and logical minds agree that my existence, and indeed our existence as a whole is not justified. think about this; why has the cactus evolved to flourish in the desert? what possible gain has this group of plant obtained in such harsh conditions that cannot be found in a less trying environment? to become stronger and better? for what reason? what is the root reason for all existence? i am a meaningless speck of dust floating above a boundless sea of sand headed for nowhere and nothing. one might say "every speck of dust has it's place", and and this would be correct. but what if i didn't want to be a speck of dust or a grain of sand. i yearn for a greater meaning. to be and do something of actual greatness. to know and live as part or whole of whatever we know as god. or nothing at all. life and all it's subsidiaries, are of no importance, i have come to find. because, without a root reason there is no room to build. you can't have a house without something to build it on. and herein lies my dilemma. because life does indeed exist and go on to bloom and die and bloom again, but i can't see the floor. is my perception not wide enough to gauge such enormity? i find myself veering from my earlier point of the similarity between my emotions and logic. and to elaborate, my emotional thinking being somewhat on the negative side at that point. having experienced being over the brink of self destruction, yet not having the opportunity to carry out my will, i now find it more appealing than ever. this restrictive world with rules and boundaries is no place for something that doesn't want to be inside it. would you set a bird free from a cage if it told you it was upset to be confined to such a small space? the love i feel for the sprawling nothingness that is beyond life, cannot be described in words. i can see through my cage, and i'm willing to take the chance that i will not be able to survive out there on my own. i know i'm only a small bird, but i'm screaming the loudest i'm able to manage, in every dialect possible; "let me go! let me out!". i also know that i cannot return once i have left. i understand that this is a one way leap, and my bridge will cease to be once i have crossed it. don't hold me back, i have said goodbye, and i love you. i am willing to give everything and i expect nothing in return. i am only selfish in the most selfless way possible, that is what i feel and believe anyway.

what you just read had been backwards rationalised so therefore a summation of what actually went on and not entirely correct.

from here i went to hospital, where i was detained for a week for apparently being a risk to myself, after an unsuccessful attempt on my life.

so concludes my first entry onto this site.

i may repost some of the blogs from other sites here, so if events don't seem to be in chronological order, it doesn't mean you've found a glitch in the internet and you can view events from different times and space, but nice try...

]]> ~defmans7