http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:delusion-of-habit&section=today deviantART RSS for by:delusion-of-habit en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 05:47:11 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/28361499/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/28361499/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:45:47 PST
]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/25546961/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/25546961/ Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:53:04 PDT
I loved him when I was younger, and I still appreciate him for his timeless music and unbelievable dancing.
A creative genius has passed.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/25168750/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/25168750/ Sat, 06 Jun 2009 20:46:38 PDT Birthday: 5th of January
Birthplace: Bendigo
Current Location: Castlemaine, my parent’s place. On my bed with my laptop.
Eye Color: Green. Can be dark or light or speckled. A lot of people think they’re blue coz they can look grey.
Hair Color: Blonde with a black strip
Height: Errm, 5’ 2” or 5’ 3”
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right handed…except for golf
Your Heritage: German and Scottish.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Haven’t worn any yet, doubt I will either

Your Weakness: My tendency to fall in love with my whole being. Very, very deeply.
Your Fears: I would have said death once. Then I would have said losing her. Now…god I don’t know if I can say.
Your Perfect Pizza: Depends what I’m feeling like at the time. Sometimes something like meatlovers, other times; something with lots of veggies.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Recover my 6-pack and bulk up a bit. Be happy again.
Your Most Overused Phrase: No, I haven’t done it yet.
Thoughts First Waking Up: No! Good dream…come back.
Your Best Physical Feature: My eyes I guess
Your Bedtime: Fuck…whatever time I’ve managed to clear my mind by. Used to be 10ish, now I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping so it’s usually after 12.

Pepsi or Coke: Umm Diet Coke…anything will do if it has whiskey in it.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King Whoppers!! Or Macca’s Quarter Pounder, mmm.
Single or Group Dates: Single.

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Mocha
Do you Smoke: …no.
Do you Swear: I’m Australian…so yes.

Do you Sing: Yep, not in front of people most of the time tho’. Unless drunk.
Do you Shower Daily: No, my hair can’t stand it.
Have you Been in Love: Yeah, undoubtedly. Kinda wish I wasn’t and hadn’t.

Do you want to go to College: No. School doesn’t agree with me.
Do you want to get Married: Not in the traditional sense. And not anymore anyway.
Do you believe in yourself: No.
Do you get Motion Sickness: Yes, it’s so annoying. Can’t read on the train to tafe.
Do you think you are Attractive: No way. People keep saying otherwise tho’. They’re all insane.
Are you a Health Freak: Nope. Not enough willpower or energy.

Do you get along with your Parents: Most of the time; no. Really can’t stand living with them again.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yeah, pretty…and scary.
Do you play an Instrument: Yep; guitar, voice, bass (I wish), acoustic guitar. Soon I’ll play 12 string acoustic guitar too.
In the past month have you Smoked: Maybe…
In the past month have you gone on a Date: No.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yep, up there all the time ‘coz there’s nothing else to do.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Hell no!! I don’t eat anything from the water.
In the past month have you been on Stage: No
In the past month have you been Dumped: …yeah,
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: No
Ever been Drunk: Hell yes!! Regularly and happily.
Ever been Beaten up: Yep, not badly tho’
Ever Shoplifted: Nope

How do you want to Die: With the knowledge that it’s about to happen.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Happy. And a published author.
What country would you most like to Visit: Umm, Germany.
Number of Piercings: 10. 3 in each lobe, 2 cartilage, 1 in nose and 1 in my lip.
Number of Tattoos: None…’til Thursday!!!!

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/25119336/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/25119336/ Thu, 04 Jun 2009 05:05:33 PDT I won't say much about it on here, it's not fair.

Personal change is good at the moment so I'm going in for my first tattoo next Thursday.
I'll be getting an Egyptian Ankh on the back of my neck that I designed myself.
I don't have anyone to go with which is really scary and I'm actually thinking about canceling...too good an opportunity to waste tho' really.

So pictures will follow soon.

Hope everyone's going better than I am.

Oh and 3000 views....

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/22427268/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/22427268/ Tue, 06 Jan 2009 03:43:38 PST All those months ago, my darling Jesse and I were celebrating our 6 months and our moving in together in our own place. After all this time we are going better than ever and feeling free(er anyway).
I graduated high school and found a TAFE course to my liking; Professional Writing and Editing. I found out about it one day, interview the next and acceptance letter the one after!
It helped that I got a study score in English of 37, which is not bad at all!
Christmas was fun and relaxing, some great presents were received and given, including a new camera off my parents as mine broke. New photoshoots coming up as soon as we get Photoshop again and I set up a space for them.
And yesterday was my 18th birthday! So from now on I progress to mature deviations, tattoos (coming soon!!), adult shops, clubs, legal boozing and a multitude of other exciting and sinful pastimes and activities.
I'm currently running on excess blood alcohol percentages, a few winks of sleep and Mother energy drinks so I end this here.
Soon, my sweets, we will have the internet where we live and I will be able to absorb myself once more into this cyber community.

Bites and kisses.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/20106495/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/20106495/ Sat, 23 Aug 2008 01:52:18 PDT shameful...
disgusting...
ugly...
unrecognized...

How could you think this is
wrong...
a faze...
unacceptable...
meaningless rebellion...

6 months
and it's only just beginning.

We will endure beyond those petty fools who doubt us.

Together, happily forever.
Endlessly, effortlessly.


All my love to the rose who is lying peacefully beside me, an arm drapped across my stomach.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/19962288/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/19962288/ Fri, 15 Aug 2008 00:16:18 PDT Jesse moved out of my house a long time ago...build up of things around us.
We're still together by the way.

Things are bad right now, I'm losing it.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/19031677/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/19031677/ Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:51:10 PDT (AKA )
Everything i going so well..well should be.
I think my meds have stopped working so that needs fixing.
I'm almost up to the next holidays so I'll catch up on my inactivity ASAP.
Oh and the 1st of this month was Jesse and my 3 month anniversary.
My formal is tomorrow night so I'll try and take some pics of what I'm wearing.

Oh and ignore the mood thing, I can't change it.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/18245074/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/18245074/ Fri, 09 May 2008 16:31:25 PDT 62 Deviations
8 Scraps
427 Deviation Comments
181 Deviant Comments
2,026 Pageviews

Not much else has happened; I'm still hating being at school, still miss Jesse all the time while I'm at school and haven't seen her for a day or so.
Thursday I took the day off from some school event (along with most of my year) and spent the day with Jesse, Madii (a close friend of mine), Jade (good friend), Lloyd (friend or acquaintance, he's a great musician, can play just about any song off the top of his head on acoustic guitar and he sings at the same time), and a guy I don't really know who is a friend of Madii's, by the name of Jesse (lol).
After heading to the local chinese cheap shop and buying lighter fluid (Jesse bought lighters, the zippo kind, for our two month anniversary...we're pyromaniacs, not smokers), we headed up to Lushus, the local sex-shop/piercing parlour.
I got my thirds done (third set of piercings along the bottom of my ear) and I'm so happy with them, pics will come soon. After seeing me get those done, Jesse decided to get her nose pierced (again).
She's a freak of nature, even the piercer, Janine, thinks so. Usually when you get your nose pierced, your eyes water...Jesse's didn't. Lol, I've heard of that happening to a few people but not many.
Anyway, I now have 7 piercings, Jesse 9. Jesse's not getting any more but I still want around...9 more, which would put me up to 16 piercings Then I've got to get all my tatt's...back, sleeves, neck and a few misc. ones.
That was a great day, just hanging out with friends all day; what could be better!

Heh, I've got Jesse over right now; she's still in bed sleeping...well she was until I put my dog, Molly in there. Oh there will be retribution...I'm a little afraid.

'Til another day, friends.

---------------------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE - [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/18095892/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/18095892/ Wed, 30 Apr 2008 03:06:10 PDT hehehemmmmm it was fantastic.

Whose car were you in last?
umm been a little while, probably my mum's

What colour shirt are you wearing?
black, black and black leather

How long is your hair?
getting long, i really need a haircut

Last movie you went to see?
hehe superhero! jesse and i had a theatre to ourselves.

Where did you sleep last night?
my bed, sadly

Are you in a relationship?
most definitely, and loving it.

When was the last time you cried?
today slightly.

Are you ashamed of your past?
no, not really.

Where does your grandma live?:
one lives in harcourt, the other in bendigo.

Anyone close to you ever died?
kinda, my pa died but i wasn't close to him.

Who's always there for you?
jesse we've talked everyday since we became friends.

Are you going on vacation in the summer?
almost definitely no. if we have the money, jesse and i may go on a road trip though, hellooooo tattoos!!

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
i don't have best friends, don't believe in it...jesse's probably my closest friend (she's not just my girlfriend, she's my friend too), so probably...sunday, 3 days ago.

Do looks matter?
not really, if someone was utterly repulsive it might but most people have some beauty about them.

Do you have good memories with old friends?
yes, but they're just memories; there's not many left.

Do you smoke?
nope

Are you happy right now?
a little, feeling less depressed than i have been.

Do you regret anything that you've done?
yes, majorly but i'm through that and that is just a memory.

Do you trust people?
generally no, people are scumbags. there is a few though.

What Family member do you most look like?
NONE! ....my father...-_-'

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
yep, i lose it completely...bad anger management.

How is life going for you right now?
not terrible, bit too stressful.

Who will you see tomorrow?
few of my friends, jesse, chiropractor, a heap of randoms....teachers.

Do you listen to loud music while your driving?
if i could drive alone, i would.

Do you give out second chances too easily?
not really

Last serious conversation with your best friend?
umm last night

Wanted more of something when you really had enough?
hehehe yeah (jesse, ask me what i was thinking...you could prolly guess....and now everyone else will)

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?:
yep, i'll always love my jesse

Do you like anybody right now?
maybe...well of course i fucking do!

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
only said a few words to each other tonight.

Are you the oldest of your siblings?:
yeah....by one minute

Who are you talking to on myspace right now?:
pfff no one! msn on the other hand...jesse.

Have you told the other sex you love them?
not in a long time. in any way.

Do you miss someone?:
yes, seeing her tomorrow.

Do you think they miss you too?
yeah, she said she does.

What would you do if you found out you had an identical twin?:
oh now that would be weird...would be cool to see what i really look a lot like.

Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend?:
yep...

Where is the person you like right now?
at her house...in the lounge.

Last time you consumed alcohol?
hehehe the weekend...sunday.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
getting ready for school

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
ummmmm making a coffee

How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
i'm in love with them...pure and simple.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
yeah several...more than once.

Last thing you purchased?
lunch at the school canteen

Have you ever drank with your number one?
(myspace question btw) yeah, on sunday hehehe

Where are you right now, and how do you feel about where you are?
in a hall kinda of thing, umm i feel....not good...about where i am, its freezing!! my hands are frozen.

Three words to explain why you last threw up?
three CUPS vodka

How's your heart lately?
umm full...exploding...active...

Where did your last hug take place and who?
just before, with my mum, she's concerned about my depression.
~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/18079869/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/18079869/ Tue, 29 Apr 2008 00:26:06 PDT Hopefully soon I will get that back...in fact, I wrote a story today for an English SAC (school assessed coursework, big important test) that I might put on here once I get it back and edit it up to a better standard (I had a little under 2 hours to write the entire thing and an explanation about it). It's about two lesbian lovers and yes I did submit it for the SAC It is a serious story tho.

Have taken a few photos lately, for my Photography class, of my girlfriend Jesse. May put them up with a warning that these are images I am using in my folio so they can not be used for anything and legally I'm very entitled to say that.

Also have some older photos I'd like to do something with but they're on the other computer which I never go on so as soon as I get a good amount of time on there, they may come up.

When I finish school in around 6 months time I will have a hell of a lot more time to do art so expect more stuff to start going up and my activity et cetera.

More recent shit...I've discovered the fun of drawing in water colour so I might put up some of my designs that won't be going into my personal sleeve I am designing in Art.
Once I actually have my sleeve tattooed/started to get tattooed, I'll probably start putting my designs up but don't expect that for quite a few years lol...tattoos cost a lot and this will be an expensive project.

Everything is pretty damn good in my life right now, I'm happier than I've ever been...except for the major stress of school and an out of place spine (went to docs and they sent my to chiropractors to see if they could work out why my ribs hurt so bad), and the whole mood swings thing.
I talked to my mum about that and she said if it starts getting bad again, we'll go to the doctors to try and get some help so bipolar meds for me maybe (if I have it, seems the most likely explanation).

Enough talk from me, this has been long as.

OH! And I love Jesse more and more every day, she's stunning and just...amazing, I love being with her constantly and it depresses me that I can't. Yet.

-----------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE - [link]
(I promise I'll start it...when I have the time)

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17692149/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17692149/ Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:34:51 PDT
On her laptop
On her bed
Hehehehehe...mmm fun.
Oh the things we get up to....[link]
Lol, Jesse has the best timing; she jumped on top of me (nothing sus!) and after a moment said that quote...I love that woman! She even did the hand movements.
For all you South Park fans...
Much love people, now I go back to Jesse


]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17616590/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17616590/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:29:33 PDT Bad dA, BAD!!

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17497561/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17497561/ Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:59:19 PDT
For a few months I have been getting closer to my girley Jesse and my parents have grown fond of her which helped things immensely when I answered my mum's question ("you're not a lesbian are you" "nooo *lies*" "are you?!" "NO *still lying*" "You and Jesse...?" "...maybe").
So my parents know about me now and are completely fine with it ( YAY!!!)
Jesse and I have been together since March 1st (officially that is).
She is amazing, I love her with all my heart and can't wait to be with her every day when we move out together (we are going to find a place in Melbourne).
I've never been in such a great relationship...she makes me so happy.
Heh, I'll stop here before I start getting really corny...
I love you precious


-----------------------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE - [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17294849/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17294849/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:36:07 PDT Go shower her with love

Not much else to say...had a SAC today in school (school assessed coursework...important test thing), I think I did alright. Was for Psychology, very interesting subject.

Hmm not much else...seeing Jesse tonight, giving her my present

--------------------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17280957/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17280957/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 02:44:42 PDT Well that's random...can't remember having it.

2. How tall are you?
Umm, not very. Around 5' 2" I think....maybe a little more, maybe a little less.

3. How much do you weigh?
A hell of a lot for my height and size...people say its just all the muscles but I don't know.

4. What year were you born?
1991

5. What is the worst thing about you?
God, everything. Umm my down-ness...putting myself down and my general mood swing in the down stage.

6. What are your fears?
I've got a few...nothingness is the main one.

7. Are you shy?
Very, not that you'd notice. I fight against it and force myself to be a bit outgoing...or just make it come across as standoffishness.

8. Favourite month?
Probably October.

9. Least favourite month?
Gah...February, school's back and it's fucking hot.

10. Last film you watched?
Umm...really watched and payed attention to...probably Sweeney Todd

11. Last song you heard?
Passion's Killing Floor by HIM

12. Last television programme you watched?
Can't remember

13. Favourite music when you were a kid?
Argh...whatever was on the radio.

14. What time do you usually get to bed?
12ish...its really not good for me.

15. How many hours sleep do you get a night?
Maybe....6 or 7.

16. What can’t you sleep without?
Jesse.

17. Who do you text/call the most?
Jesse.

18. Do you have any disorders?
Yep, all undiagnosed...OCD, Bipolar umm a few others like Tourettes Syndrome...maybe more.

19. Is there anyone that doesn’t like you?
Hahahaha fuck yeah! Why wouldn't there be?!! My kind of ex that almost killed me last year...half my year level...they don't like anyone who's different.

20. What are you like when you’re sleep?
Dead...umm pretty quiet usually...unless I get a night terror kinda thing (sorry precious!! I'm sorry that scared you).

21. What do you do when you’re pissed off?
Hurt things (usually myself), punch things.

22. What is your earliest memory?
Don't know, memory is too shit to remember when anything was.

23. Which famous person do you get compared to most?
Pfff..none!

24. A quote from a movie?
No time for the old in-out love, I've just come to read the meter.

25. What sense of humour do you have?
Very sick and very dirty.

26. How are you finding this year?
Hard, stressful, amazing, beautiful, too long for an impatient one such as me.

27. Learnt anything new this year?
Yeah, that good things come to those who have suffered too long.

28. What do you want to do next year?
Get money and move to Melbourne with my beautiful precious girlfriend.

29. What swear word do you use the most?
Fuck, shit or cunt.

30.What do you want to call your kids?
Don't really want kids...maybe something unusual and cool like Raven or Aisha.

31. What do you want to do when you’re older?
Be in an earning band, pierce, design tattoos.

32. What are you thinking about?
My girl, Jesse.

33. What did you do yesterday?
Spent the day with Jesse at my place

34. Least favourite colour?
Brown or green unless its army colours.

35. What is your nickname?
Umm I liked Banshee when I was called that...Em, sweety, pant (don't ask), Master...can't think of any more.

36. Your best friend's pregnant, what do you say?
HOLY WTF SHIT!!! WTF ARE YOU GUNNA DO?!!! ...actually I'd be pretty supportive but that's what I"d be thinking.

37. What was the last illegal thing you done?
Heh, under-age something or other.

39. What do you drink the most?
Vodka

40. What are you like when you’ve drunk alcohol?
Confident, dirty-minded (even more so), flirtatious, umm can be depressed if I'm alone, heh a good kisser apparently.

41. Do you have any disabilities?
Not really...slightly deaf. Shit sense of smell too but that can be a blessing.

42. Have you ever eaten a goldfish?
Umm hell no!! Don't eat fish and definitely don't eat pets.

43. What is the first things you notice about the opposite sex?
Eww umm, not a lot. Whether I get a good vibe off them.

44. What do you look for in someone?
Kindness, connection, open eyes, etc...... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17251217/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17251217/ Sun, 09 Mar 2008 06:53:24 PDT Jesse ended up coming with me coz she was down the street at the same time. She got to see when the doc made me take my top off...lmao. I've never been much of an exhibitionist so it was pretty much a public first lol.
Well anyway, onto results...
First thing she said about my ribs..."It's probably not cancer"...well now there's something I didn't want PUT INTO my head!!
And she seemed to think my top rib popping out was normal!!! For fuck...I don't think that happening was healthy!!!
And the flashing lights in my vision...she didn't even say what she thought that could be!!! I do know it can be a symptom for migraines but its not one I've ever gotten before.
And the dizzy spells...also nothing offered to me there, it's off to the umm...shit...pathologist I think it is... for a blood test.
Anyway...x-ray is booked for tuesday and i can go get a blood test whenever since they don't require booking.
I'll post a journal about the results when I get them.

Oh and Jesse is coming over tomorrow!! YAY!!!! Hehe will be fun!!

----
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17189442/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17189442/ Wed, 05 Mar 2008 03:32:59 PST It's only been a few days but it is wonderful, amazing, stunning.
These 3 little words keep floating round my head followed by the trickle of following statements and questions; some rhetorical, others honest to Fate serious.

People will be pleased to know that I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow afternoon. I am nervous but this needs to happen.
Thankfully I'll have the medium of text to contact Jesse for support. The X-rays and such are gunna cost so much. And all the tests they'll probably do.
Hope they don't have an accent, I won't be able to understand them with my poor hearing.

Oh and it's Jesse's birthday soon, I'll post another journal on the actual day and you all can wish her a happy 18th.

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CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17081907/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17081907/ Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:56:20 PST
1 I died:
2 I lived next door to you:
3 I started smoking:
4 I stole something:
5 I was hospitalized:
6 I ran away from home:
7 I got into a fight and you weren't there?


WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

8 Personality:


WOULD YOU:

9 Be my friend?
10 Keep a secret if I told you one?

10 Take a bullet for me?
11 Keep in touch?

12 Sing with me?


HAVE YOU EVER:

13 Lied to make me feel better?

14 Kept something important from me?
15 Thought I was unbearably annoying?



16 Who are you?
17 Are we friends?
18 When and how did we meet?
19 Describe me in one word:
20 What was your first impression?
21 Do you still think that way about me now?
22 What reminds you of me?
23 If you could give me anything what would it be?
24 How well do you know me?

25 Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
26. What song do you think would describe me best?
27 Are you gonna put this on yours to see what I say about you?

Could you answer these?


testing how many people give a shit...

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CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE - [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17036672/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/17036672/ Sun, 24 Feb 2008 06:15:58 PST over again last night.
We watched movies into early in the morning and then stayed in bed 'til late (in the afternoon) the next day...so relaxing.
Was a lot of fun; I'm still feeling happy and content after just being with her. Miss you babe
Not much else to say...I finally got a doctors appointment a week or so back, the earliest they could get me in is March 6 or 7...can't remember which day. I think I'll get them to have a look at my rib problems (pain in ribs and sticking out-ness) since they have been hurting for years. Tho the dizzy spells are pretty worrying as well...
I've been pretty close to blacking out a few times.
Oh and then there's the bi-polar and deep depression...and the semi-voluntary muscle twitches (seems to be a very mild case of something at least similar to Tourettes Syndrome...don't laugh).
Anyway, hopefully thats all good.
Oh and school's alright at the moment...Jesse is keeping me sane through texts and memories. And I have a day off tomorrow

CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE - [link] I swear I'll start it soon...

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16892711/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16892711/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 21:38:25 PST Instead of spending it at school and enduring all the calls to the office for those receiving flowers, we had a day off. Thank the dark lord for teacher's strikes.
Me and Jesse arranged to spend the day together in Castlemaine...heh and we got bored so we took the train to Bendigo.
....after getting my ear stretched to fit my ear-spear, yay!! (pics soon maybe)
Had a lot of fun in Bendigo, walking around all the shops and getting lunch together. I bought the Crow on DVD finally!!! Oh and Romper Stomper...hehe Australian Nazi skinheads (no I don't support them or their ideologies).
Heh for some reason me and Jesse get a lot of stares when we go anywhere together...its very funny. There was even more after I bought her a rose
I took a photo of her and the rose but for some reason its not showing up in my gallery (to me anyway) so here's the link [link]
So first time that I've really, really enjoyed Valentine's Day and first time in a while that I've found someone who's company I really enjoy and look forward to.
Too bad can't happen more often...like everyday. Damn school and other commitments.
Hmm not much more to say...going to a party tomorrow night, might be a little fun...be missing a certain someone tho.

UPDATE
Went past 1,500 pageviews the other day. Can see the screen cap here [link]
I had school photos today, might put a scan of it up when I get my copies. It was funny getting it taken...I decided since its my last year I wouldn't give a fuck and I wore my collar and some badges (heh slightly offensive, don't know whether they got in the pic tho). I think the people were too afraid of me to ask me to take them off...lmao pussy cunts (lmao lovely name to call them, hey?).
It won't be a very good picture...I think I was glaring at the dude and when he asked me to say the word I said it very sarcastically so that'll show...lmao its going to be terrible!
One thing I did do niceness is have my hair down...can't see my undercut in a front photo anyway and my ear-spear would look weird from the front.


CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16716351/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16716351/ Sun, 03 Feb 2008 23:51:53 PST over a few times. Been fun.
This weekend I'll prolly be having someone over n going out n shit.
Hmm my days are busy now that school is back.
I've been relatively happy lately but I can feel my mood turning right now...really not looking forward to the inevitable mood swing.
I have foot-in-mouth disease when I'm in a bad mood like this...Hmm
*walks off playing with knecklace*

------------------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16619493/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16619493/ Mon, 28 Jan 2008 20:06:14 PST It's my last year since I almost definitely won't be going to uni or anything.
One last year then I'm absolutely fucked. More fucked than I am right now.
I wish I could cut my heart out...something about it really appeals to me.
I'm only 17 and I already hate love and all that shit...I'm already sick of being alone.


"I was electrified by your eyes as they froze
Inviting me inside of your life to grow

Everlasting setting sun
You’re my angel, you’re the only one
No one close and nothing compares in the end
We will be together again

I'm so mesmerized by the light you expose
Igniting a fire deep inside of my soul

Everlasting setting sun
You’re my angel, you’re the only one
No one close and nothing compares in the end
We will be together again

Darkness shall fall with the strength of us all
Darkness shall fall
Darkness shall fall with the strength of us all
It shall fall

I raise my white flag
It’s the last flag I’ll ever raise
Don't stay away
Staring at you and all you are
I believe
Yeah I believe
Yeah I believe

(So much sadness, what happened to happiness...)
Everlasting setting sun
You’re my angel, you’re the only one
No one close and nothing compares in the end
You’re my angel, you’re the only one

We will be together again"

- Army of the Sun by Roadrunner United
May not relate to anything.

Club -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16542720/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16542720/ Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:41:33 PST Heh no...someone kept walking in tho

2. When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
No...usually it's with coffee and I spill it all over my hands then I have to lick it off.

3. Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
No.

4. Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Nope...not yet.

5. Have you ever snuck out of your house?
I've climbed out the window randomly...

6. Kill or be killed?
Thats hard...I don't know. I guess it would depend on certain things.

7. Break someone’s heart or have your heart broken?
My heart always gets broken anyway.

8. What did you do today?
Umm got up outta bed after an hour of just laying thinking and watching TV, went on the computer, had lunch.

10. Would you ever get a tattoo?
Hell fucking yes, I would!! I have many plans for tatts I'm gunna get. My mum might be paying for my first one.

11. What was the last thing you ate?
Salada

12. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night...I wake up dead in the mornings.

13. Do you snore?
Heh, only when I'm sick and laying on the couch.

14. Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
Don't think so.

15. What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body?
Freak out then get really curious.

16. Do you like to spend time with people?
I hate people. Certain people I do like and time spent with them is good.

17. Are you hungry?
No. Don't really get hungry often.

18. Are you a forgiving person?
No, not usually.

19. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Last night, grrr I hate them.

20. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Not at the moment.

21. Do you want a relationship right now?
Oh god yes.

22. What are you about to do?
Make macaroni cheese...I didn't have an adequate lunch, it was more like a late breakfast coz I wake up so late.

23. Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
Umm don't think so...

24. If you could be a superhero what would you want to do?
Have orgasmic touch...wait I already do lol.
Umm super-strength, balance and flexibility...I've always wanted to be able to do stuff like people in Cirque de Soleil except even more extremily n stuff.

26. Three feelings at the moment.
Longing
Deep affection..maybe love
Annoyance

27. Anything you regret in your life.?
Heaps...I always fuck things up. Oh well...I may regret things but if they didn't happen I wouldn't be where and who I am today.

28. Are you listening to anything?
Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

29. Where are you right now?
In my house in the hallway breezeway thingo...don't know what you'd call it.

30. What are you scared of?
Death, nothingness, mediocrity

31. Who was your first love?
Some poor fool.

32. Last movie you watched?
Romper Stomper...lol

33. Last song you sang out loud.
Sweet Transvestite from the Rocky Horror Picture Show...
I'm just a sweet transvestite, from transsexual, transylvania!
Why don't you stay for the night? Night!
Or maybe a bite? Bite!
I could show you my favourite obsession.
I've been making a man
With blond hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my...tension.
*shivers* Tim Curry is the sex!!

34. Are you thinking of someone right now?
Yeah...been thinking bout her non-stop for a while now.

35. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
My mother.

36. Last thing you downloaded on your computer?
Song...flagpole sitta.

37. Have you changed much this year?
Not this year..last year I changed heaps.

38. Where was the last place you went besides where you are?
Out of the ordinary...a castle that my mum and I want to buy.

39. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?
Nope...eewww not me.

40. Do you speak any other language?
A bit of German.

41. Do you dress for style or comfort?
Style more often than not...usually pretty comfortable tho.

42. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
MARILYN MANSON, my twin bro...some other people.

43. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
Umm...no.

44. What's the craziest thing you've done?
Couldn't remember.

45. Favorite color(s)?
Black, red, white, army greens.

46. What is your favorite Nickelback song?
...

47. What are you looking forward to this summer?
It being over.

48. Last time you smiled?
When some... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16495115/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16495115/ Sun, 20 Jan 2008 18:45:27 PST
]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16397837/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16397837/ Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:57:01 PST Pff don't care enough to remember.

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Umm...fuck...umm can't remember...I haven't gotten out much lately.

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
Lemon Ruski

4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
Eyes but depending on how I feel bout the person, I might really really want their lips.

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Fine arts.

6. Best kind of pizza?
Couldn't decide..something without anchovies..blargh

7. Is your bedroom window open?
Nope...its a cold night, IN SUMMER!! wtf?!!

8. What is in store for your future?
No idea...never thought there would be a future for me. A concert is what's in the future

9. Who was the last band you saw live?
Local band...i think it was Corpses Bleed..hmm

10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
Would if I was around them when they were sick.

11. What is your favorite soda?
Umm alcoholic soda.

12. How many songs are on your itunes?
Don't have itunes.

13. When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
umm never.

14. Where is the last place you drove to?
Personally? Supermarket.

15. Are you experienced?
Hehe in what? ...well no I'm not...

16. Any historical figures that you envy?
XENA..oh wait...the whole not real thing..umm, not really. Can't think of any right now.

17. What brand of digital camera do you own?
HP

18. When was the last time you got a good workout?
Yesterday I think...

19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
Pff whatever...I don't really care.

20. Where did your last kiss take place?
Hahahaha....Hannah's place

21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
You really wanna know? lol can't remember

22. Are you a quitter?
Yep...some of the time.

23. Who was the last person you had in your house?
Other than family? Theres was many.

24. Can you speak another language?
A bit...German.

25. How about you put your legs behind your head?
How about no?!

26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
Never...a long time ago...

27. Nickname?
Don't really have one..Em I guess...used to be banshee

28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?
Oh god....umm baggy proper army camo cargo pants, no shoes or socks, baggy t-shirt, rubber black bracelet, new ring that is 2 bat type wings clasping together, hair up showing undercut which is growing out (mum won't shave it for me).

29. What do you think about people who party a lot?
Lucky buggers.

30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Not particularly...if with friends or over net with slave...used 2 be like that anyway.

31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?
Hollister??

32. What was the last CD you purchased?
Fuck..umm HIM Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights.

33. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?
HIM and P!nk.

34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
Hehehe which am I not...actually I'm guilty of them all lust, gluttony, envy, pride, greed, shit what are the other 2...sloth and wrath...yep I'm guilty.

35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?
Only the last two.

36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?
My kitchen.

37. Have you ever been offered a job?
Nope...I'm a bum, no one wants to hire me. Except my mum...coz she won't pay me.

38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
Road kill, mmm that's good eatin'...yes I'm kidding!

39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?
Never really dyed my hair.

40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Mum, dad n bro.

41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
No..DAMMIT, not... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16294526/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16294526/ Sun, 06 Jan 2008 23:13:26 PST It was my birthday 2 days ago, I am 17 now.
In 9 months I'll be able to get my motor bike license!!! (Coincidently one of my good friend's birthday is exactly 9 months after mine)
I didn't do anything for my birthday; my brother had a party and all his friends over (oh BTW I'm a twin for all those who don't know....I'm a minute older than my bro). I spent the night drinking and talking to this chick, Jade, who is in my pastoral care class at school so we are friends. And shes hot so it was fun
Umm not much else happened...surprisingly my brother got me some really good presents for my birthday.
I'm prolly gunna have a party in a few weeks so that should be good..
I leave you with a thingo doovey...

School./.Friends
[X] You lost a friend
[X] You got bullied
[X] You got into a fight
[X] You had an argument with friends
[ ] You said something that cost you friends
[X] You made an enemy
[X] SOMEONE HATES YOU FOR NO REASON!
[X] Someone started a rumour about you
[X] You cried at school without people noticing through unhappiness
[X] You felt isolated
Total school/friends: 9

Home
[X partially] Your house got flooded
[ ] You were forced to move
[X always is, i live in the bush] Your home was infested with bugs
[ ] You had rats in your house
[X]You had mice in your house
[ ] A wall fell through
[X] A floor fell through
[X need, dont get] You needed roof repair work
[X always, old house] You got a leak
[X heh spillage and after showers..] Had damp floors
Total so far: 16

Family
[ ] Someone died
[ ] You didnt see people in your family all year
[X] A sibling attacked you
[ ] Someone close to you died
[ ]Got Grounded
[ I almost did a few times] Someone was disowned
[X yeah...US!] Someone got burgled
[ ] Someone got kidnapped
[X] Someone embarresed you and wouldnt let it go
[X] Someone lost a baby
Total so far: 20

Love
[ Actually I did for a while] You didn't get a girlfriend/boyfriend
[X oh fuck yeah] You got hurt
[X again, hell fucking yeah I did] Got your heart broken
[ ] A friend stole a girlfriend/boyfriend
[X guilty] You wanted someone elses girlfriend/boyfriend
[X yep, got confused 4 a while there] Didnt know who you wanted
[X] Rejected someone
[X] Got Rejected
[] Forced into something you didnt want to do
[X a bit...] Got used/played
Total so far: 27


You...
[X] Got depressed
[X] Self Harmed
[X...enough to spew heaps] Overdosed on grog?
[X] Felt like you hit rock bottom
[X only a little..not heaps seriously] Attempted Suicide
[X] Felt too alone
[X] Pushed people away
[X] Hated yourself
[X] Wished you werent you
[X] Got Jealous
Total so far: 37

(multiply by 2)
Total: 74

Repost as : "2007 was __% shit"

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16229180/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/16229180/ Wed, 02 Jan 2008 18:20:50 PST I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste;
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long-since-cancelled woe,
And moan th' expense of many a vanished sight;
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoanèd moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end."
William Shakespeare - Sonnet #30

As I started to write this, the words from that sonnet came to my head.
I have given so much of my time and energy to the sessions of sweet silent thought, remembering things that are past.
I looked at the words as tho it was the first time I really read them, listened to them, actually heard them.
My friend, could I but think of thee without the affliction of the heart they call love, then a small measure of the pain that bends me to the ground would be ended.
But I can't. When I gaze upon you it is not my eyes that see but my heart.

I hope everyone had a merry christmas and a happy new year.
For christmas we hosted one half of my relations.
In total there was around 30 people to be catered for and there was probably a few missing.
I spent a few days beforehand helping my mum cook and prepare and such, a hell of a lot more than my brother did.
I got a new phone and a 4gb card for my PSP among other things. Really love the phone, its on telstra so I can text most of my friends for 1 cent. But since Kendall is the person I text most and shes isn't on telstra...I have 2 cents credit left. Oh well, its worth it.
For New Years I had Kendall over for the night. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3 through to the new year.
My parents went to my aunt and uncles place for tea and my brother to a friends so we had the place to ourselves which was good.
I hate hot weather and it was so, so very hot here for new years...easily over 40 I think.

Umm what else...

I couldn't get to sleep last night until around 5:30 - 6:00 this morning so I wrote a story.
Its pretty sad and shit...I had to get it out of my head. I'll upload it sometime today.
Before I wrote that I couldn't stop thinking of all these things and I think I broke myself...I cried.
Usually I can't cry much but tears were falling, actually falling from my eyes. I could see and feel the tears leaking out of my eyes, one going in a stream over my nose and onto my pillow...I don't cry like that.
So anyway...bad night.

A few weeks ago I went to a party hosted by my awesome friend Hannah.
Had a great time indulging in the trappings of beautiful, sinful youth (didn't I Hannah?...hehehe) and the fun that can be had with the consumption of alcohol among good friends and the addition of a pool.
And I made a new friend in the beautiful and talented Jesse
Go check out her stuff, shes awesome.

Umm not much else to say...spose I should mention it's my birthday in 2 days (Jan 5th). I'll be turning 17.

Much love people
xxx

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15868965/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15868965/ Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:17:07 PST I was ready to die and leave this world and all its unhappiness behind.
One year ago I would never have dreamed of being still alive today. And to be honest, I am very surprised that I still am alive.
This year I have been through so much pain and suffering...more than I thought I could live through but I am still here.
I'd like to say that this, all the pain, has made me stronger..but it hasn't. Not yet.
I am a different person from what I used to be; stronger in appearance maybe, but on the inside, this has broken me.
One thing I have learned from this year is to not give up; I may have a long journey ahead and many, many issues to work through, but I have made it this far. They say the hardest step is the first and I have taken that step.
I had a taste of happiness for a few weeks before I relapsed into this depression, a low to rival the worst of this past year and one that consumes me through these days alone at home, not helped by the torment my parents put me through and the fear that my brother will carry out his threats one day and tell my parents my secret. Two months more I am stuck at home for these holidays, and I can't even relax because of my parents. They don't understand how much I need to relax after school and before next year, (last year of high school, year 12) they have no idea how it nearly killed me. How close they came to loosing the daughter they don't know.
But I will make it through this, to what end I do not know but I will continue on. I can't do this by myself anymore, I do realise I need help...maybe professional help but that I will not get, it just makes my situation at home worse. I prefer that my parents do not know that I have a problem, they make things worse...all I want is for them to leave me alone, which they would not do if they knew. When they 'found out' last time (I talked them out of thinking that I have a problem) it was torture. And for me its impossible to do it behind their backs.
I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for one person...she helped my when I most needed help, she was the only light amongst the darkness of my life. She was the only person who could do what she did, although others did try to help me and I thank them from the bottom of my heart that they tried and were there for me, that was so important to me. Thank you so much.
She came into my life at a point where I was completely ready to die, to give up and let go of life, and just by being herself she made me happy for the first time in ages, she helped me get over the pain. She helped me learn to love again.
I would die for her and, for a change...I would live for her.
Kendall

The thing that started off this...reflection is; one year ago today, I created this account and found a place that I could let out some emotion, an outlet of poems, stories and journals. Something other than the sting of a blade and the rush of blood to let it out.
As of today I have posted 50 deviations, 2 Scraps and I have had 1,129 pageviews.
I am watched by 20 people and I am thankful for their appreciation.
I watch around 40 people and I enjoy their work massively as well as every piece of beautiful work in my 35 pages of favourites! (I think there is over 800 individual works in there!)
So to all you fabulous deviants out there...THANK YOU!

http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15671996/ Sun, 25 Nov 2007 21:46:25 PST in his time of need; words can't express how unfair it is to loose someone so near and so dear, live and love in her memory

-------------------------------
No more blame I am destined to keep you sane
Gotta rescue the flame
Gotta rescue the flame in your heart

No more blood, I will be there for you my love
I will stand by your side
The world has forsaken my girl

I should have seen it would be this way
I should have known from the start what she's up to
When you've loved and you've lost someone
You know what it feels like to lose

She's fading away
Away from this world
Drifting like a feather
She's not like the other girls
She lives in the clouds
And talks to the birds
Hopeless little one
She's not like that other girls I know

No more shame, She has felt too much pain, in her life
In the mind she's repeating the words
All the love you put out will return to you

I should have seen it would be this way
I should have known from the start what she's up to
When you've loved and you've lost someone close to you
You know what it feels like to lose

(Repeat twice)
She's fading away
Away from this world
Drifting like a feather
She's not like the other girls
She lives in the clouds
And talks to the birds
Hopeless little one
She's not like that other girls I know

~ Not like the other girls by The Rasmus



Going to the doctors soon, i think...my ongoing rib problem has gotten worse.
Last time the x-ray failed to find any breaks or cracks in them but they didn't really expect to...because ribs are curved they are hard to see. I was told to take panadol for a week and come back if they didn't stop hurting after that....they kinda did but the pain comes and goes so that doesn't mean anything.
Three years later, they are hurting real bad again and my mother is urging me to go to the doctors again.
That and I have a lump on my chest...

I don't know what it is and am pretty certain it wasn't there a while ago.
It feels like it could be my top rib sticking out a little bit towards the center of my ribcage...scary. The opposite one doesn't do it.
Anyway, I'm going to get that checked out as well, it could be completely normal and not harming anything.
I'm not looking forward to it...i hate going to doctors and i think i may have a phobia of it but i know i need to go.
Doesn't help that i know that they're going to send me to the hospital again.
This time they will inject me with a dye that shows up under x-ray or some shit and see of it...i don't know...collects? in me there...
Hmm..I'll keep you all posted on that one.

Spent all yesterday and the night and day before it with Kendall, Alysha and Djena.
Djena (a friend from school who i've known for around...4-5 years) had a small gathering with drinking and such, and we all stayed the night.
Was pretty fun; i don't like drinking too much so i only had a few and Kendall doesn't drink so we were both sober. Djena and Alysha on the other hand, weren't.
(BTW Alysha is a long time friend of mine from school and she was the one who introduced me to Kendall at her party in August. She has a deviant art account, , that i made her make...she hasn't been back on it but, she's a bum...i'll make her go back on it.)
If i can (and if i am allowed to), i'll put some photos on here of that night and of those people...you have to see how cute Kendall is...she'll hate me for saying that!

Oh and I promise i'll get started on my 50 theme challenge soon...i've got one started so i'll try and put that up soon.

----------------------------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15569357/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15569357/ Sun, 18 Nov 2007 21:32:03 PST Last night I finally managed to convince my mother to do it for me (which is surprising since she hates them...oh the powers of persuasion!) and she cut the underneath part short and then this morning she shaved it off short! She didn't want it to be real close to the skin but my dad put the wrong end thingo on the electric razor so its real close to the skin.
I wish all you people could feel it, it feels so funny and good! People have been touching my head all day.
The best way to describe it is that it feels like velvet; smooth one way and sticky up-ey the other way except that its prickly instead of sticky up-ey.
I will put some pics of it up as soon as possible, my mother is going to do some more work on it tonight; taking it up a bit at my ears and making it more even at the top of the shaved part (she was nervous that she was going to stuff it up).
Much love darlings!
xxxx

------------
CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE - [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15528939/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15528939/ Fri, 16 Nov 2007 03:23:37 PST * 2 Scraps [browse]
* 273 Deviation Comments
* 140 Deviant Comments
* 1,000 Pageviews

DAA DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!! THE MYSTICAL 1,000 PAGEVIEWS!!!!

Thanks to everyone who has supported me through the last year and those who have shown appreciation for my art work.
This past year has been the hardest one of my life so far and I'm am seriously surprised to still be here with everyone.
I've gone through so much and have endured through it all, things are slowly getting better.
I won't have the stress of school for another 2 months; I just had my final exams of year 11 and there will be no more school for me till next year!
I'm planning on working on my artwork and my body over these holidays; my goal is to write some more on some stories that are in the works and to tighten up some of my muscles (woman six-pack...scary). If I achieve those then it'll mean more photos of me (gah eww hide!!) and some more prose.

Much love to all my watchers, you guys are great!!
And much love and thanks to my beautiful friend, Kendall; she is the one that has helped me get through my depression and helped me 'get over' 'her' (I still love 'her', always will but the hurt is gone and when I am with Kendall I don't even think about 'her' ).
I love you darling.

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CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15427514/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15427514/ Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:19:33 PST bahahahahaha....i never thought of that!!
lol randomness i know but Naomi just said it and i thought it was genius! ...i'm scary when i'm in a good mood

did anyone bother to read my last essay, i mean journal...boy was that a long survey doovalarkey!

today was the last day of year 11 classes, all i have to do is the exams and then year 11 is over!!! then its a week of year 12 but then...FREEDOM!!!!!
2 months of whatever the fuck i want!!!
and during that there will be christmas, new years then my 17th birthday (same day as marilyn manson's!!!!), coincidently also my twin brothers birthday...lol, then ash's birthday n several other people!
kendall will be staying at my place sometime too so that will be awesome!!!!!

much love people!

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CLUB
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15371227/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15371227/ Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:27:06 PST Yep, a dog, turtle, mexican walking fish, 2 parrots and a galah

What color shirt are you wearing?
errm a weird maroon colour with white pin stripeness

Name three things that are physically close to you:
paper, phone, glass

What is the last book you read?
the woods by harlan coben

Are you or were you a good student?
used to be...not anymore

What's your favorite sport?
urrgh..sport...skating count?

Do you enjoy sleeping late?
hellz yeah

What's the weather like right now?
errm night time-y...cold

Who tells the best jokes?
errm dunno...theres some excellent one-liners in our group, we kinda complement eachothers funnyness.

What was the last thing you dreamed about?
can't remember...prolly something random

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Yeah but i haven't crashed yet

Do you believe in karma?
mmm i guess i do

Do you believe in luck?
a little

Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?
depends if they are cooked nice

Do you collect anything? If so, what? .
vinyl records (the covers mainly...), jewellery

Are you proud of yourself?
nope, definitely not

Are you reliable?
sometimes...i am forgetful a lot of the time

Have you ever given money to a bum?
no

What's your favorite food?
dunno have a few but food aint that important to me

Have you ever had a secret admirer?
not really...

Do you like the smell of gasoline?
a little

Do like to draw?
yeah but im not that great...i have fluke good drawings, like my tattoo designs

What's your favorite invention?
vibr...errm lol no, guitar

Is your room messy?
very

What do you like better: oranges or apples?
apples most of the time

Do you give in easily?
depends...some people could make me do anything...like kendall got me to come down the street after school today

Are you a good guesser?
sometimes...i am psychic every now and then

Can you read other people's expressions?
most of the time...some people i cant

Are you a bully?
depends on whos annoying me

Do you have a job?
hell no...im a bum, is that a job?

What time did you wake up this morning?
6:45

What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
can't remember if i even had any breakfast

When was the last time you showered?
yesty

What do you plan on doing tomorrow?
homework

What's your favorite day of the week and why?
saturday...sleeping

Do you have any nicknames?
errmm...Em, midget, .5 (work that one out), umm used to be banshee...i liked that one

Have you ever been scuba diving? .
heeell no! i really don't like murky water...had a little drowning experience.

What's your least favorite color?
umm brown or orange, depends.

Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?
Yeah...usual. actually lately its been someone else...

Would you ever go skydiving?
maybe

Do you enjoy challenges?
not particularly

What's the worst injury you have had?
umm i don't really get many injuries...other than self-inflicted...maybe when i killed my neck randomly and couldn't move it for days.

What's the last movie you saw?
errm resident evil: extinction!!!!!

What do you want to know about the future?
if ill ever be something...

What does your last text message say?
Pls stay afta school wif me or else ill cry ... kendall really knows how to get me to do things....

Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?
kendall

What's your favorite school subject?
dunno...don't really have one...my frees?<... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15251409/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15251409/ Sun, 28 Oct 2007 00:36:33 PDT I watch my turtle swimming franticly in the sun, the caged birds twittering to each other softly and the free birds glide silently to the ground one after the other. My dog cheerfully walks to my side, looking at me and wondering what I could possibly be doing just standing there.
I can hear soft little noises under the erratic whoosh of the wind; the birds still twittering, the clicking of the big galah eating its food, the wind blowing in my ear softly thru the veil of my hair.
I feel everything move around me; the wind clinging to my awareness, softly moving over my bare feet.
I am aware of how beautiful life is in this simplicity; without the complication that we humans bring, of how everything goes on around you if you just stand still enough.

I wonder about so much.
I'd like to learn as much as possible about the world around me, about the people and how they think.
I wonder what my watchers all look like, what they sound like and how strong their accents are (since most of them are foreign and mostly american). I wonder how they think, if people really think in the same way at all, and I wonder what they think about.
I wonder what really matters to these people, what makes their lives worth living.
I wonder.

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CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15109657/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15109657/ Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:31:05 PDT
* 47 Deviations
* 1 Scrap [browse]
* 264 Deviation Comments
* 130 Deviant Comments
* 900 Pageviews

Yeah...I'm up to 900 now.

Not much is happening in my life; its a busy time but not not much is actually happening.
In a matter of weeks I will be basically loosing most of my close friends, not that it feels like I have any friends right now.
There isn't many good things in my life right now apart from one friend who can make me smile just by talking to them over the net and another friend and me getting together for a jam session.
I have a feeling it'll all be over soon.

'Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead'
- Bring me to Life by Evanescence

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CLUB -
50 THEME CHALLENGE [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15047718/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15047718/ Sat, 13 Oct 2007 17:59:01 PDT
It seems they are changing this stupid mature content thing soon. Hopefully they will do it right.

Nothing much is new; school is stressing me out majorly, life is sucking at the moment, i haven't got a girlfriend and still can't get the fucking past outta my head.

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CLUB -
50 Theme Challenge - [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15024707/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/15024707/ Fri, 12 Oct 2007 05:13:06 PDT
This stupid ass new rule thing that means that not only can I not look at other peoples deviations with mature content, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT MY OWN!!!
What the hell caused this BULLSHIT?!
This was the best site to display and get critique for work but now its just getting ridiculous!!
This the stupidest thing that dA could ever do to the site!!
This better not stick...its taken everything that was good about the site away, half the good art on here is marked as having mature content!
Isn't this supposed to be about the art?!!
Freedom of expression?!!
FUCK!!!
Haven't got anything more to say right now...so angry!!

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CLUB -
50 Theme Challenge - [link]

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14918958/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14918958/ Thu, 04 Oct 2007 20:30:32 PDT 50 Theme Challenge

I am doing a 50 Theme Challenge which consists of no time limit.
I'm inviting anyone who wishes to, to do it with me.
This is a Challenge to help with artist block and to boost the quality of your art (So take as long as you need on each picture)

The Rules

1) Do 50 pictures each with one of the themes written below. Each picture should have ONE and only ONE theme each. And don't go changing the list.

2) There is no time limit, So no unfinished pictures allowed

3) Use any medium you want to create your master pieces.

4) The list of themes should be placed somewhere in your journal so that other artists can see that you have joined in the challenge and can see how much you have completed. Don't forget to link back to this journal so others can do it too.

5) you DON'T have to do them in order!

The List

1. Start
2. Horror
3. Phobia
4. Dark
5. Rotting
6. Insanity
7. Mirror
8. Dream
9. Cut
10. Drowning
11. Memory
12. France
13. Misfortune
14. Catalyst
15. Monster
16. Spit
17. Blood
18. Wonderland
19. Beard
20. Luck
21. Nightmare
22. Grotesque
23. Distasteful
24. Thief
25. Lurking
26. voodoo
27. Obsessed
28. Sorrow
29. Penguin
30. Rain
31. Flower
32. Night
33. Wrath
34. Moon
35. Forgotten
36. Precious
37. Broken
38. Acid
39. Dream
40. Dirt
41. Fruit
42. Snow
43. Hero
44. Annoying
45. Trapped
46. Drop
47. Flirt
48. Forever
49. Storm
50. End



Thanks to for introducing me to/making me do this.

CLUB -

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14906128/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14906128/ Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:08:17 PDT Damn stupid schoolwork!
Its my lazy fault tho...oh well!

'When the silence beckons,
And the day draws to a close,
When the light of your life sighs,
And love dies in your eyes,
Only then will I realise,
What you mean to me.'
- Inner Silence by Anathema


CLUB -

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14849478/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14849478/ Sun, 30 Sep 2007 01:27:50 PDT
Yeah I know a lot of people have that as their signature but I just had to put it up here...it is oh so true!!
Catch me in the right mood with a whip in one hand and a collar around your neck and I'll dominate you so hard it'll make your head spin! And maybe, if someone plays their cards right, I might let you dominate me...
Slightly squeamish about causing pain? I'll work that one out of you...I'll make you whip me and help push some internal boundaries.
I will show you the true pleasure of pain.

'It's a fine, fine line between pleasure and pain.'
- Pleasure and Pain by Divinyls



CLUB -

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14796542/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14796542/ Wed, 26 Sep 2007 07:02:48 PDT
I wouldn’t wish this hell of mine on my most hated enemy, on the most sordid wrong-doer; this hell is not of my choosing yet the choice remains my own…to be, or not to be.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14738228/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14738228/ Sat, 22 Sep 2007 04:15:05 PDT For the last couple of weeks I've been chatting to the cutest chick you could ever hope to meet. We met once at a party through a mutual friend and immediately hit it off pretty well. The next day she got my number off a friend of mine and we got a-chatting. Long (-ish) story short...she told me she liked me and I told her I liked her and a week or so later we were going out! I think it was the 13th that I asked her...
Anyway, things from the beginning were complicated...won't go into it on here.
Last night we were talking and well...she isn't ready for a serious relationship and has a lot of things to work out so our relationship is, well, not over...put on hold so she can get her head around things and work it all out....
Hmmm.....here's hoping it all works out fine...
Can't say I'm not upset and unhappy with the whole situation...I care about her a lot and she's important to me, I don't want to loose her so soon.
And for those out there who are confusedly scratching their heads thinking, 'What happened to that other chick who she was so in love with...maybe shes finally over her and we can stop hearing this pathetic drivel!'...no, I am not completely over her, I probably never will be and I accept that, when you love someone so completely it never really goes away.
But I was honest about my 'ex', I told her how things were. And it really wasn't a big issue...that girl helped me forget about 'her'. When I was talking to her I wasn't thinking about anything or anyone else.
It was so different with her.
Normally I'm really hard to befriend, I don't make friends easily, but we became close very quickly.
Normally I can't feel things for people easily; I can't love people unless I'm really close to them...even if I do feel things for people I can't tell them. I told her that I love her, and I really meant it.
I am not the sort to tell people I love them and not really, really mean it. (tho 'she' could never believe me when I told her)

Aarrrrgh!!!!! I am soooo not in a good mood!!
Still haven't cut my hair off...my parents will crucify me but has offered to do it for me.
I dreamed about it last night...it was a wierd dream but it involved shaving off some of my hair and I loved it!

Had a massive fall-out with my dad...he got really, really pissed at me coz he waited down the street for an hour to pick me up when I had sent a text saying not to pick me up for another 2 hours and I found out that I haven't been talking to him for 3 months....strange since that information is completely new to me!

Hmmm, I'm home alone tomorrow....I'll try to be good.

No promises.

OH...and I have over 800 pageviews

CLUBS -

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14431435/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14431435/ Fri, 31 Aug 2007 19:54:59 PDT
I've put a few deviations up since my last entry, one is a story I wrote ages ago when I had to attempt to write a story. It's full of really crap black comedy, really crap names and a really crap storyline. Basically...it's really crap!

Lately my urge to cut has grown so strong...I just wanna get a big pair of scissors and a razor so I can UNDER CUT/SHAVE MY HAIR!!!!
I really want to do it but most people are against it and I'll need help to do it (for evenness).
Basically what I want to do is shave or cut really short the underside of my hair to just above my ears leaving the rest as it is. It gets really hot here in summer and i want my hair off my neck and what would work better than cutting it off?!
My mum had a fit when I told her what I want to do, she is all full of "it wont look good"'s and "it'll grow back frizzy" and "I've already put up with so much from you".
She wont even listen to me or pay attention when I tell her (and prove) that it wouldn't look much different from how it is now (it just looks lighter; I pulled the hair I want gone back into a tiny little ponytail) and if I decided to grow it back for whatever reason, my top layers would hide it and it doesn't have far to grow to be back to normal (and my hair grows really quick).
I really need to do this for summer; I don't want to grow it long enough to put into a ponytail and it'll be so shit having it down during the 40 degree plus days (around 105 Fahrenheit for those who don't use Celsius).
Plus...undercutting rocks!!

What do you people think of undercutting if you have heard of it?


After much, much, much fighting with my parents I am finally allowed to go to a party tonight!!! My darling friend rogue-mutt will be there with her sexy-ness!!!!
Should be a fun night anyway!


"Concerning the Pope's claim that homosexuality is 'unnatural'. Perhaps the Pope is suggesting that it lies beyond the scope of 'normal' human behavior. If so, this has uncomfortable implications for an association of old men who wear dresses, hear voices and practice ritual cannibalism. Self-enforced celibacy is all but unknown among other animal species. If any sexual behavior is out of tune with the natural world, it is surely that of the priesthood."

* George Monbiot, The Guardian, July 13, 2000


Hehehe my mood has a hat!


CLUBS -

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14190861/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14190861/ Thu, 16 Aug 2007 05:14:54 PDT LONG THINGO DINGY WHATSIT \/\/\/

Single or taken: Single...dammit

Happy about that: HELL NO!! Slim pickings round here, specially in 'my type'.

Eye color: Green

Shoe size: 7-8

Height: errm...I'm really short...5 1 or 5 2

What are you wearing right now?: oh god..pin stripe black pants with straps hanging off them, skate shoes, black t-shirt with west coast choppers logo on it, numerous cuffs, rings and hobo gloves (yes i wear rings even if i have gloves on)

Righty or lefty: Righty

Can you make a dollar in change right now?: Errm if i get my wallet, yes.
----------------------------------------------------------
FAVORITE

Kind of pants: Baggy or jeans...both preferably.

Animal: Ummm...do birds count? Crows (that includes Ravens)

Drink: Milk or anything with vodka in it.

Month: October or December

Juice: Meh...watever.

Favorite cartoon: Naruto or some random '80s cartoon I used to watch...
----------------------------------------------------------

HAVE YOU EVER...

Given anyone a bath: Uhhh no

Bungee Jumped? Nope

Made yourself throw-up? Basically yeah but no.

Skinny dipped? Hell no..me nakey...eewwwww

Loved someone so much it made you cry? Right now...

Broken a bone: Umm my toe I think but I didn't do anything about it.

Played truth or dare: Hell yeah!! So funny!

Been in a physical fight: All the time...specially when I was younger.

Been on a plane? Nope

Came close to dying: When I was younger I stopped breathing twice because I was sick. A doctor got fired over that.

Been in a hot tub: Yeah I think I have.

Fallen asleep in school: Younger yeah.

Ran away? Yep, I walked like 5ks

Broken someone's heart: I think I have...they never told me how they felt so....

Cried when someone died: Yep, I'm not completely heartless.

Fell off your chair: lol yeah.

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: For ages yeah I have...not ALL night.

Saved AIM/MSN conversations: Yep...I had some good 1s

Made out with JUST a friend?: Errm...not quite 'made out' but it wasn't just a peck.

Used someone: A little.

Been cheated on: I don't think so.
---------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT IS...
Beside you: Books, couch, boxes, clothes, comp stuff...lots o shit thats in my bros room.

Last thing you ate: Salada, cheese and Leggos combination.
------------------------------------------------------

Ever Had...

Chicken pox: Yeah when I was younger...my Sunday school made fun of me for it...maybe thats part of the reason I don't like some christians....

Sore Throat: Uhh duh haven't we all?!

Stitches: Nope...needed them tho.

Broken nose: No luckily.

----------------------------------------

Do You..

Believe in love at first sight: Yeah, I'm a romantic, tho its not usually recognized as love...you work that out later.

Long distant relationships: Only if its temporary.

Like school: For my friends yeah.

Question yourself: All the fricken time!!

Who was the last person that called you?: Errm, my father.

Who makes you smile the most: Mikki

Who knows you the best: I don't know if people really know me that well...maybe Ash.
--------------------------------------------------

Do you like filling these out: Don't mind it...I chose to do it.

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses: Nope, thankfully I have real good eyesight.

Do you get along with your family: HELL NO!! They are all rascist and sexist and homophobic!!!
--------------------------------------------

Final Questions:

What did you do yesterday: Uh..school.

What car/truck do you wish to have: Dunno..Hearse.

Have a lava lamp: No...I have a plasma ball tho!

How many remote controls are in your house?: Fuck...theres a lot...at least 8.

Are you double jointed? Hell... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14024210/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14024210/ Sun, 05 Aug 2007 04:53:07 PDT
I may possibly be getting my belly button pierced soon (if I can work up the courage to be showing my stomach, I'm not afraid of that kind of pain). Hopefully rogue-mutt will be there to hold my hand and to kiss me better ...I can dream, can't I sexy? (and you know I will...dammit stay outta my dreams!!)

A song that really got to me recently:

Don't run away
I can't live without you
Please stay
And I'll learn to love you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
I've been crying for you
Dyin' for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna lose you tonight
No, I ain't gonna lose you tonight

Don't run away
I never wanted to hurt you
Please stay
And I'll learn to treat you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dyin' for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dyin' for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
Oh, I can't live without you
And I've been crying for you
Dyin' for you all this time
I never wanted to hurt you
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna lose you tonight

I was waiting for you [...]

- Lose you tonight by HIM
Dammit!! It's too fucking true...

Here's a quiz I stole off someones journal..........

Are you a bad influence?

If you go over 45, you're a bad influence.
If you go under 15, chances are you live under a rock and have no life... even more harsh.

Rules
*Total the number of things in each list you've done.
*No need to say which ones.
*If people really want to know they will grow the balls to ask.

1. Smoked
2. Consumed alcohol
3. Slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4. Slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5. Kissed someone of the same sex
6. Had sex
7. Had someone in your room other than family
8. Watched porn
9. Bought porn
10. Done drugs
TOTAL: 7

1. Taken painkillers
2. Taken someone else's prescription medicine
3. Lied to your parents
4. Lied to a friend
5. Snuck out of the house
6. Done something illegal
7. Cut yourself
8. Hurt someone
9. Wished someone to die
10. Seen someone die
TOTAL: 9

1. Missed curfew
2. Stayed out all night
3. Eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
4. Been to a therapist
5. Been to rehab
6. Dyed your hair
7. Received a ticket
8. Been in an accident
9. Been to a club
10. Been to a bar
TOTAL: 4

1. Been to a wild party
2. Seen the Mardi Gras
3. Drank more than four beers in a night
4. Had a spring break in Florida
5. Sniffed anything
6. Wore black nail polish
7. Wore arm bands
8. Wore t-shirts with band names
9. Listened to rap
10. Own(ed) a 50 Cent CD
TOTAL: 6

1. Dressed gothic
2. Dressed prep
3. Dressed punk
4. Dressed grunge
5. Stole something
6. Been too drunk to remember anything
7. Blacked out
8. Fainted
9. Had a crush on a neighbor
10. Had someone sneak into your room
TOTAL: 8

1. Snuck into someone else's room
2. Had a crush on your best friend
3. Been to a concert
4. Dry-humped someone
5. Been called a slut
6. Called someone a slut
7. Installed speakers in your car
8. Broken a mirror
9. Showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
10. Brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush
TOTAL: 6

1. Consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper
2. Seen an R-rated movie in theater
3. Cruised... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14009160/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/14009160/ Fri, 03 Aug 2007 23:58:57 PDT Nothing is getting better. Under different circumstances I would have been, perhaps, happy right now. Instead, every single second I am still clinging onto this desperate excuse for a life, I am in pain. Unbearable, never-ending, torture! I can't stand it.
Burning for being such a sin to nature in the darkest pits of hell would be better than this.
Right now, I'm not afraid to die.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13817548/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13817548/ Sat, 21 Jul 2007 06:41:53 PDT What i did do was alright tho; i went to a party and got a double lap dance (go me!). I went to melbourne and fell in love with this beautiful and sexy little shop called Victorian Gothic. Walking in there was like walking into my dreams, that place has everything i have ever wanted in it; hot clothes, corsets, boots, top hats, priest coats, bracelets, goggles, gloves, belts, spikes, collars and soooo much more. if i was rich i would buy like everything from there.
that day i had some good finds; a corset-like top, skull braces, no longer made slipknot high top sneakers and, the best of all, a full length leather trench coat! i love it so much!
i got my hair cut...its not that different from how it was the first time so i wont be putting any pictures up.
i was listening to this song the other day, lithium by evanescence, really listening to it, the lyrics just hit me so hard. i realise how much i relate to them, its exactly how i feel. it made me realise that i am 'in love with my sorrow' no matter how much i want to let it go and get better, im afraid to. this has been such a big part of me for so long, to loose my depression, this illness, would be to loose a big part of me. i dont know if i want to change. no matter how crap it is sometimes, i like who i am, i dont want to change. i might hate myself everyday, curse my sexuality and wish i wasn't gay but i know that if i wasn't, i wouldn't be me! being who i am, most guys repulse me. those absolute dumbarse meatheads who don't know real emotion from indigestion, they just piss me right off! i used to be the kind of chick who got along real good with the guys, i could muck around with them and be good friends with them, just friends like a seriously innocent good friendship, but now there is such an absence of men that aren't absolute dicks! maybe its where i live...maybe they feel a need to be 'big men' because there are so many girls compared to guys (i am not complaining about that btw!)
went to a battle of the bands thingo last night... it was pretty damn funny. watching all the hardcore kiddies smack against eachother like the brainless sponges they are. watching the lead singer of one of the bands, corpses bleed, looking like an absolute tool while singing (tho he is kind of getting better with his growls and shrieks). anyway it was a funny night that ended with me having a good chat with a close friend of mine outside in the freezing cold (i was wearing a skirt with fishnets and my trench coat so i was particularly chilly....and hooker like).
heres the lyrics for 'Lithium' by Evanescence:

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go

come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
never wanted it to be so cold
just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
drown my will to fly
here in the darkness I know myself
can't break free until I let it go
let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
anything is better than to be alone
and in the end I guess I had to fall
always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go

Well there you go.
i'm thinking about getting help soon, i feel like something is majorly wrong with me.

i leave you with a quote about sexuality, the first of many that i hope to be putting in these journals.

"He has told me he likes men as well as he likes women, which seems only natural, he says, since he is the offspring of two sexes as well as two races. No one is surprised he is biracial; why should they be surprised he is bisexual? This is an explanation I have never heard and cannot entirely grasp; it seems too logical for my brain."

* Alice Walker, Possessing the Secret of Joy

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13701432/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13701432/ Wed, 11 Jul 2007 22:07:49 PDT I decided I would leave it on here...maybe its better that its out there.
So useless update really...
I'm getting my hair cut short again tomorrow; its gotten a bit too long and the style is grown out. I'm getting a more radical angle cut, really short at the back and long in the front.
On saturday I'll be going to Melbourne with my mother to go shopping and I'm hoping to get some new shoes; big, black platform boots.

And I'm pleased to announce that my friend and poetry tag partner BunnyFugger is back after a long absence!!

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13692385/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13692385/ Wed, 11 Jul 2007 07:25:41 PDT An image that stays in your mind and impacts upon you so heavily.
I've had a few moments like that, images that flash in my mind so clearly. Sometimes they come in a few frames, just slight movement that makes the image so much more real.
Recently I was in the car, my mother was driving to the supermarket and I came along. As we headed down the hill, I looked back and was struck by the scene behind me. It was dark, so dark on the hill, and the darkness of the the bottom half was broken along the crest of the hill with a gray smudge of light across the clouds. Beside the dirt road was a road sign and in the light of our brake lights, it was a striking red colour. The trees up the side of the top part of the hill frame the shot, creeping up the side...
It reminded me so badly of a scene from a horror movie...maybe one that involved zombies. It was breathtakingly beautiful, as a shot, and I wish I could have captured it...my mission now is to recreate it somehow.
Other moments that stuck really don't vary that much in subject matter...I see her so clearly in these moments I remember.
I won't torment people with long descriptions about the moments...they are special to me and only I can feel the emotions they bring up.
Just everyday moments...they flash across my retina, tho they exist today only in my mind; her turning her head to face me with a slight smile on her face then doing a little double take kind of thing at the look on my face (I think I was being cheeky at the time and was smiling at her...its hard to explain...), the look in her eyes and the way she positioned her body, pleadingly, as she asked me without words for a hug, and her eyes as she looked at me when we were talking about something...I think I fell even further in love with her at that moment, I felt like dropping to my knees at her feet or holding her close and never letting go...
God I feel pathetic...I hope she never sees this...I can't believe I even said all that...it makes me feel like shit to feel this way, to admit it all...its killing me.
I don't want people to start coming at me with; you need to get over it, don't think about it or anything along those lines.
I know I need to get better, to get on with my life, to get over her...I don't need to be told all that; I know its no good for me, I know I'm sick!! I know I'm fucking pathetic...I hate the way I feel!!
I wish I could tear out my own heart, I dream of doing it.
I wish I could forget her and the way I feel about her, how I felt just being around her. But I fucking can't!!!
I felt happy, really happy, for the first time in my life. I felt happy and content and it felt so fucking right! I can't describe it any better than that...how can you describe how it feels to love someone?!!
I have no idea how I can write all this shit down but I can never talk to anyone about it...I guess its just because nobody really asks me about it and I'm not the kind of person that just talks about things to people and people dont know how honest I am...that I would probably tell them...no, lately I've felt pathetic when talking bout it. Some people are good tho, I can talk to them about it and not feel like shit.
Fucking hell I just can't fucking believe this shit!!
While I'm being all honest and talkative I'll admit there is someone I am very attracted to at the moment, nothing will come of it and I don't expect it to...I can dream can't I?!
I'm stopping before I say anything more revealing n stupid.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13568339/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13568339/ Sun, 01 Jul 2007 19:09:04 PDT we will live alone, surrounded by our useless possessions and our cold walls, built to keep out the bad but never realizing that it us we are keeping in, filling our houses with our own evil like a noxious gas that builds and builds waiting for the day when someone lights a match to us and we explode, taking all our ' precious' things with us. we are irony embodied.
we will all die alone and embittered by our own greed and loneliness.

this prison is one of our own making
this suffering of our choosing
this decrepit world is dying young
and this death is all our fault

OK...*shake it off*
that was my rant for today and as you can probably tell, i have no faith in humanity at all.
today an event transpired (or discovery of) that brought my blood to boil. i have no idea how people can be so selfish and uncaring.
they have no idea how damaging it is for them to do this to us AGAIN!!
it all just makes me wonder what this world is coming to; where is the empathy?
i'm not going to be naive enough to ask about the love, it was never there. people don't have the capacity to love a stranger but they do have the capacity to feel some empathy for them.
when did it leave this world?
when did people become so apathetic and selfish?
why is it so rare to care?
enough of that, we all know its useless...

2 and a half years ago i could never have imagined that i'd be like i am today.
i promised myself i wouldn't fall in love with her.
i told myself not to but i couldn't stop it. i didn't want this to happen. i wanted to keep my heart my own, no matter how cold.
i wanted to leave this world when i had nothing holding me back.
how can i die if i have no heart?!

nowadays, my heart (what i have left) is so fucking broken and sore but it still found a place deep inside to give.
in some ways it has helped me, loving and feeling for others, but theres something more i need.
god i miss her.
i miss her and i feel so fucking pathetic about it.
on the rare occasion that i talk to someone about her, about it all, sometimes they make me feel even more pathetic.
they tell me to get over it which never fails to make me feel like shit and angers me.
do they really think that i WANT to feel like this?!!
its fucking killing me and they think its as easy as 'getting over it'!!
do they think that all this time i haven't been trying?!!
just the words; 'get over it'.
they anger me beyond belief.
whenever someone says them, in any context, it makes me want to rip out their jugular with my bare hands.
it makes me want to smash their face in with my fist and perhaps the nearest concrete surface.
and most of all, it makes me want to blow my brains out upon the unforgiving floor.
sometimes i scare myself...
i don't want to die but sometimes i feel so wonderfully insane.
thats when people get scared of me.
i grin with my teeth clenched tight and i look them straight in the eye or stare into the distance, i tell them what i wish for; the blood i hunger for is my own.
i feel so insane and when this state grabs me i, more often than not, do something incredibly stupid.
most recently it was probably bashing my head into a pole so hard that i collapse.
other times it was dragging a piece of glass across my arm, licking a knife blade on the cutting edge, many many other stupid things.
i spent half a day recently in one of these moods.
i couldn't be still.
if i was sitting i would rock back and forward in my chair with my eyes going in every direction.
if i was standing my head and eyes would pivot in every direction, looking for a distraction.
bare in mind that during this i was at school (and wearing a top hat, that was fun).
i really should have been wearing my straitjacket that day, it would have suited me so well.

on to a better topic....
my friend theresa recently turned 18, got a tatt and threw a pretty awesome party.
not my kind of music but i put up with that, there was fun to be had...hehehe
it was an interesting night, theresa is a pretty straight chick but she got hammered and ended up kissing me half a dozen times (i wasn't the only one she kissed but she kept coming back to me for more...) and even got angry when i didn't kiss her back. tho don't get the wrong idea bout that, i'm not interested in her and vice versa, she was just so damn drunk and happy.
it was a damn cold night but, me being me, ended up wearing a singlet top for a good part of the night and being a heater for peoples hands (i have a very warm stomach, i am told, so that was taken advantage of, my top being pushed up above... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13017406/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/13017406/ Sat, 19 May 2007 19:26:47 PDT 174 Deviation Comments
83 Deviant Comments
500 Pageviews
Finally i have 500 pageviews!!

OK joke oxymoron of the day: Religious tolerance!

Not much to say in update...feeling like a heap of warmed shit, my mood is getting lower and lower and i found a song that fits it perfectly; God is a Lie by Wednesday 13.
Here are the lyrics:

I've made a fist but I cannot knock upon that door
'Cause once I walk through it I won't be coming back no more
It's strange how everything can change oh so very fast
Somewhere someone out there will always have the last laugh

Just say a prayer for me, in case I forget
And when you speak of me don't say it in regret
Life's a grave... dig it

I'll put the noose around my neck
Will you get to me just in time
I've got no reason left to live
But I've got a hundred to die
I'll put my hands together now
Hold them up to the sky
But there's no one to save me, yeah
Because I know... God is a lie

Everyday I look at myself and I wonder why
I have written the soundtrack to the end of life
And as I climb this ladder now it's certain I will fall
God he must be deaf because he never heard me call

Somebody save me

I'm a ray of fucking sunshine, arent I?!!
I have to say thank you again to my Mieky darling, you've been so good to me. Thanks for listening to my shit and being there without offering shit advice that I've already thought of myself or misguided advice that just fucking hurts and doesnt help one bit!
So thank you darling, I'm here for you as well, lets be mopey together. And I can honestly say I love you, you know how hard it is for me to feel and say that.
And yet another thank you goes to Mark, thank you for being there and for our little discussions, I enjoy them.
And thank you Morgan, you take my mind off this shit, even if it is only for a little while, I appreciate it a lot. I love you sexy.

Arent things supposed to get better in time, like...fade?! I thought this pain would disappear in time or at least diminish a bit!
I realise that to get better, to throw off this depression, I have to 'get over' her, but I cant do that while I am still in love with her...its been so long since I held her. I miss her so much, even if she did hurt me, she had no idea how much she was hurting me. If only she had believed me...
I suppose it is getting a little better, nothing has changed when it comes to her but theres someone else that has captured my attention, not like with her but there is something there.
Enough of my shit for now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clubs I'm in:

Please don't take credit for my or any other artists work. It is a part of them, something taken from their very soul. Do not take this away from them, do not disrespect them so.
If you feel some sort of need to join this with your soul's out-poring, to add to your own work, ask them!
I would be happy to let others use my work; as long as it still is my work and due credit is given.
If you want to use something of mine, ask me and outline what it will be used for and I will give permission as long as what I contribute to it is credited as mine.
Thank you so much for that small courtesy.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/12786259/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/12786259/ Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:31:32 PDT Yesterday I went to Melbourne on the train with some friends of mine (yay train...not) to head to a concert of one of the most amazing and beautiful artists ever, more on that later.
So this was the first time I've worn a short(ish) skirt in public so I'm pretty damn new to the idea of it, and am yet to develop any dignity while wearing it (actually I think it diminishes as I get used to it), getting in and out of cars is eventful...
pretty boring train ride as usual, couple of highlights (or not depending on who your talking to); a guy and chick in the toilets together getting caught, a resonably good looking guy getting on, and some random guy staring at me for around about half an hour straight (definetely not a good thing, I don't like that kind of attention and am certainly not used to it).
got to melbourne, had lunch, went shopping, had a good look around (not at shopping items, btw...hot asian guys and, for me, some cute chicks).
soon it was time to be ridiculously early to line up for the concert. we got to rod laver arena and found our way to the lines, expecting there to be a few people there already. there was the grand total of around 20 there i think (well it was very very very early, around 5 hours before the doors were to open). so we got a spot it one of the sparsely occupied lining up areas and sat down for the wait.
not many highlights of waiting; the cirque du soleil being about 100 metres away we could hear the music from there and see the hundreds of people going in, laughing at some peoples terrible dress sense, and checking out some hotties (barely any guys there, not that i was complaining, and some all right chicks).
after a wait of many hours, it was decided that they'd let the lot of us in early. so there was a few shouted rules and throwing out of banned things followed by an absolutely mad dash to get in (and consequently many security guards yelling to slow the fuck down).
wrist bands were gotten for us general admission people (the standing room part, the mosh, if moshing was allowed) and then another wait of 45 mins was ahead (during which we could hear the band doing a sound check so there was some singing along to what we could hear).
the wait was uneventful, i spent a majority of the time trying to freak my exceedingly straight friend out and checking out some chick in front of me.
finally, it was time! the doors were opened and my friends and i linked arms, held up our wrists to show our bands and ran in, *cough* walked sorry...so we pelted down the stairs and into the arena and ran to what we thought would be the best spot, at the right side (looking towards the stage) of the catwalk, right near the end away from the stage.
we picked our spot and then had to sit down for yet another 45 min wait, during which the arena filled up quite well (it was a sold out show). so we sat there for 45 mins doing nothing at all.
then it was almost time and the mosh stood up and rushed forward to take up the space we couldnt when sitting, the support band came on stage after a brief sound check.
and, yay for us...not, the support band was the androids (you know the one hit wonders who sang 'I'd rather do it with madonna') and they played every song except the one that anybody knew, fucking hopeless fucks!
so they finished their set which was good only for filling in time. then came ANOTHER wait, this time for 30 mins.
the crowd started getting restless then about when we thought the real show was going to start (the song finished, they had been trying to keep us content with crap music), another song started. you should have felt the hate directed at nothing in particular!
then the music faded and the lights dimmed.
the screaming was unbelievable when the lady herself came out in all her beautiful glory...P!NK!!!!!!!!!
****************************************

For the full version of my night go here [link]

The concert was on the Saturday the 28th of April so its actually 2 nights ago but i didnt have time to submit it yesterday.

Gotta get off now (hehehe ill let u pick how i mean that, sick or otherwise)
Much love to all my friends and thank you all so much for being there for me.
Special thanks to Elbethius and Ant-Juice.
Thank you for being there Mark and thank you for being awesome and talented... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/12589075/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/12589075/ Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:30:48 PDT I'm quietly regressing back into my usual mindset; my moods that go from depressed to getallthefuckingknivesawayfromherNOW!!
Might be something to with the stress I'm anticipating from school in about....37 and a half hours. And what will come with being at school, seeing everybody...seeing her.
Fuck I am pathetic and way too honest to strangers.
So anyway my plans for life stop in about 2 weeks, I am going to see P!nk in concert (in the beautiful flesh!) and after that I have no vision for anything.

To update, I got my hair cut and you can see the pictures in my gallery, the links are in my previous journal.

Much love to all my new (and newish) Deviant friends(excuse me if I miss anyone, I'm only writing to those who I have something to say to at the moment):

elbethius - Anybody who hasn't visited his gallery should right now!! He writes amazingly; his ability to create vivid images is beautiful and his way with words, enchanting! And remember, an ever-present smile is useless if there isn't an ever-present reason to smile.
Ant-Juice - My darling friend, you're talented, remember it!
People check out her art, she's amazing. She is the one who took my ID pic.
BunnyFugger - Continues to inspire me to continue writing and, I'm sure, countless others with thoughtful and deep games of poetry tag.
PsychoBunnyGrl - Haven't heard much from you lately but I'm still thinking of you ...I mean your work...*shifty eyes*
Some more friends that deserve a mention;

I think I'm giving up trying now, theres nothing I can hope for anymore. I can't go on but I guess for now I don't have another choice.

I'll leave you with some random quotes

'The apple falls far from the tree
she's rotten and so beautiful
I'd like to keep her here with me
and tell her that she's beautiful'
Vivica by Jack Off Jill - Oh how I'd like to hold her and tell her that shes beautiful.

'Dear god if you were alive
You know we'd kill you'
Godeatgod by Marilyn Manson - Humanity kills all that comes up against it, all that contests our superiority. How would we be any different to god if god was a being we could see and touch.

'My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my eveything'
Nemo by Nightwish - I'd give anything for hope, a light in this endless dark upon me.
I miss the past so much, the present and future are painful thoughts.

Club I belong to

--------------------------------------------------------------

Please don't take credit for my or any other artists work. It is a part of them, something taken from their very soul. Do not take this away from them, do not disrespect them so.
If you feel some sort of need to join this with your soul's out-poring, to add to... ]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/12439651/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/12439651/ Tue, 03 Apr 2007 03:38:11 PDT I have been sick for the whole time so far but still managed to go to a party!!
AND.....IM CUTTING MY HAIR OFF TOMORROW!!!!
Right now its halfway down my back and when its cut it will b above my shoulders. Ill submit some pictures some time tonight maybe and when i get home tomorrow Ill submit some of the new style.

As some of my friends will be happy to know, I've been in a slightly better mood than I usually am in. Might be something to do with less stress n parties coming up n gone.

I have found some awesome new friends and poets on here!!!! Heres a couple (sorry if I forget anyone):
PsychoBunnyGrl (beautiful writer who seems to enjoy some of my writing)
BunnyFugger (I've got a delightful poetry tag going with him, its really good for my writing as its started it again and heading me to new places, and his writing is pure genius)
vampireaddict (writes some amazing poetry)

Ummm what else to write....

I'm trying to start off a series of writing, starting with 'Slave to your Will' [link] WARNING EROTICISM!!!! BONDAGE!!!! MASTER AND SLAVE!!!! BDSM!!!! hehehehe all that good stuff!!!

Ummm I now belong to a club....

Thats enough from me for now, I'll put links to the hair pictures in comments or in new journal.

Cheers ppl!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Please don't take credit for my or any other artists work. It is a part of them, something taken from their very soul. Do not take this away from them, do not disrespect them so.
If you feel some sort of need to join this with your soul's out-poring, to add to your own work; ask them!
I would be happy to let others use my work, as long as it still is my work and due credit is given.
If you want to use something of mine, ask me and outline what it will be used for and I will give permission as long as what I contribute to it is credited as mine.
Thank you so much for that small courtesy.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/11729727/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/11729727/ Thu, 08 Feb 2007 00:44:37 PST A week.
One solitairy fucking week!
One fucking week and already I feel enraged, deranged and mentally in-fucking-sane!!!
Two months of almost uninterrupted solitude and mind games with myself has made my return to this 'real' world utterly unbearable!!! Oh how I dream of the past and solitude.
Oh how I dream of an escape from here.
Oh how I fear the only option I have left!
I know now what it is to regret something, I know now what it is to truly want someone, I know now what it is like to need someone with all my heart, mind, body and soul.
I know true pain.
Oh how I know these things, I know them so well that I am numb to everything else. All I can feel is an undying love laced with an undying pain. And anger...anger at the somewhat petty distractions that take away from my mourning. For, you see, I have found the cause of my numbness, I am dead inside. I mourn the loss of self.
I am dead to this world. So do not fear my death, it has already happened...how can someone live without a heart? With a tortured soul? With an ever present shell?
Going on in this state...it is unbearable!
Being without state...that is unthinkable!!
Being without the bearer of my heart... that is a never ending torture that no hell could EVER hope to replicate!!!
Everybody dies alone; without hope, without happiness, without reassurance. And some people live that way, like the dead.

'This was never my world
you took the angel away
I'd kill myself to make everybody pay'
-Marilyn Manson - Coma Black


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please don't take credit for my or any other artists work. It is a part of them, something taken from their very soul. Do not take this away from them, do not disrespect them so.
If you feel some sort of need to join this with your soul's out-poring, to add to your own work; ask them!
I would be happy to let others use my work, as long as it still is my work and due credit is given.
If you want to use something of mine, ask me and outline what it will be used for and I will give permission as long as what I contribute to it is credited as mine.
Thank you so much for that small courtesy.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/11035522/ http://delusion-of-habit.deviantart.com/journal/11035522/ Tue, 12 Dec 2006 02:31:05 PST Im in the depressive of my manic and it looks to be staying that way for quite some time...at least you lot will be getting quite a lot of poetry n stuff out of it, its when i write best. and to top it off, the love of my life, the girl of my dreams...doesnt want to hear the truth, that I love her to death and would die for her...and am dying for her every minute if the day.
Thats enough of my shit for now.

]]> ~delusion-of-habit