http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:dreamz13&section=today deviantART RSS for by:dreamz13 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 30 Nov 2009 11:56:51 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/26481290/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/26481290/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 10:19:58 PDT
]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/18906756/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/18906756/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 07:38:44 PDT
]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/14376796/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/14376796/ Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:46:54 PST
]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/12834807/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/12834807/ Fri, 04 May 2007 00:51:21 PDT It's been a long time since I do this. Been too caught up with work. )

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, she instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present.
Please Try Again Later"...

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/12088440/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/12088440/ Wed, 07 Mar 2007 00:47:31 PST
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11820639/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11820639/ Wed, 14 Feb 2007 18:53:47 PST
His doctor looks at him and says "Listen, if you want to be with her, you're just going to have to be a little boulder."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11476834/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11476834/ Thu, 18 Jan 2007 00:06:35 PST
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the new guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just ain't your day, Cupcake, is it?!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11130297/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11130297/ Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:18:24 PST
Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year--according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game--male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid- December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat ol' man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11021765/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/11021765/ Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:44:56 PST Z: I've been really busy with work lately, so not much time to goof around here at work.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to hail a cab ride back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he eventually reached his old 'friend' at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10828316/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10828316/ Thu, 23 Nov 2006 21:33:32 PST Z: I've been really busy with work lately, so not much time to goof around here at work.

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he
could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10750657/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10750657/ Thu, 16 Nov 2006 22:00:19 PST Z: Warning, it's bad!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10729442/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10729442/ Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:04:13 PST
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"Darn, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10553412/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10553412/ Sun, 29 Oct 2006 21:09:49 PST
The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man!"

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkin' going on."

The college guy says, "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."

And the farmer adds, "There is also going to be a lot of fightin' so I hope you are ready."

So the college guy responds, "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

"One more thing," says the farmer. "Did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"

"Far out!" says the college guy. "I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"

The farmer says, "I don't care,...it's just going to be me and you!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10542146/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10542146/ Sat, 28 Oct 2006 21:44:14 PDT
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10429591/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10429591/ Wed, 18 Oct 2006 00:41:16 PDT
Boy: "She's not here right now."

Salesman: "Well, is anyone else there?"

Boy: "My sister."

Salesman: "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?"

Boy: "I guess so."

At this point there was a very long silence on the phone.

Then:

Boy: "Hello?"

Salesman: "It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister."

Boy: "I tried. But I can't get her out of the playpen."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10353930/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10353930/ Wed, 11 Oct 2006 00:38:05 PDT
The bartender said, "Go upstairs and it's the first door on your left."

So, he went upstairs and went in the first door on his left. As he walked in he saw the ugliest, fattest, smelliest women he has ever seen. He asked how to get the free beer.

She said, "All you have to do is give me a free screw."

He thought about it for a while then remembered free beer. So he said, "Okay, but you have to keep your eyes closed."

When she closed her eyes he ran downstairs and into the corn field outside. He took a piece of corn, ran back to the room and saw that the woman still had her eyes closed.

He stuck the corn in her, and screwed the daylights out of this woman with it. When he was done, he through the corn out the window and told her to open her eyes.

She said that was the best sex she has ever had.

Then, he went downstairs and got his beer. When he left, he saw his friend and told him about the excellent FREE beer he had.

Smiling his friend said, "Yeah, but it wasn't as good as this piece of corn I just had!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10298974/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10298974/ Thu, 05 Oct 2006 22:38:01 PDT I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know the V-Pill worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10185712/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10185712/ Mon, 25 Sep 2006 18:46:13 PDT [link]

ALLERCA has produced the world's first scientifically-proven hypoallergenic cats. These cats allow some of the millions of people with feline allergies to finally enjoy the love and companionship of a household pet without suffering from allergic symptoms.

Comment: I'm a cat-lover even though I don't have any cats. Somehow, this just doesn't feel right to me. What do you think?

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10148752/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/10148752/ Fri, 22 Sep 2006 02:23:36 PDT
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from
the Lord.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her butt began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her butt as a
notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking the Lord, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707....

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9991868/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9991868/ Wed, 06 Sep 2006 18:36:17 PDT
He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door. His knock is answered by Gladys.

"What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask.

Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."

The other two heard-of-hearing spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...let him in!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9971586/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9971586/ Mon, 04 Sep 2006 23:38:02 PDT
But the girl said "NO WAY!" Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

The girl thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down! Call me when you're done."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"

She said, "The bastard used coins!!!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9774720/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9774720/ Fri, 18 Aug 2006 18:03:52 PDT
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?"

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9593714/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9593714/ Fri, 04 Aug 2006 02:06:42 PDT
"Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9338988/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9338988/ Tue, 11 Jul 2006 02:28:28 PDT
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally
finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9254112/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9254112/ Sun, 02 Jul 2006 19:18:51 PDT
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9215414/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9215414/ Wed, 28 Jun 2006 22:09:09 PDT
A voice from below calls out, "Please help. I need a push."

"It's three in the morning," the man hollers. "Get lost before I call the cops!"

His wife rolls over and says, "Honey, you should help that person. Remember when our children got stuck on the highway late that night and that trucker helped?"

The guy sighs, goes downstairs, and calls out, "Hey, do you still need a push?"

"Yes," a voice replies.

"Where are you?"

"Over here, on the swings!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9109299/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9109299/ Sun, 18 Jun 2006 20:22:13 PDT
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9060414/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/9060414/ Tue, 13 Jun 2006 20:17:06 PDT
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He, of course, had no intention of
pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and he pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a terrible panic.

It seems their son's favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8784245/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8784245/ Tue, 16 May 2006 00:41:39 PDT Dedicated to the mothers of the world.

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs." I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All Moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8647251/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8647251/ Mon, 01 May 2006 23:09:18 PDT
She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8545604/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8545604/ Fri, 21 Apr 2006 21:44:31 PDT bookdiva so here I go. I don't really wanna tag anybody cos most of my friends are like Mt Fuji.

1. I enjoy company yet I don't really talk much.
2. I like to keep the Window's Start Menu organised. When I see somebody's Start menu in a cluttered state, I will help them to arrange neatly.
3. I like to change wallpapers frequently, whether it's on my mobile phone or pc or office pc.
4. I really love cats, but I don't have a cat. (but i guess it's not really strange, cos a lot of people likes panda/koalas, but they don't have pandas/koalas)
5. I can't stand spelling mistakes.
6. If I want to know the time, and assuming there are a few clocks in the house, I would always look at the most distant clock, instead of the one directly in front of me. (I didn't realise that, but my wife said I do.)

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8514488/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8514488/ Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:27:01 PDT
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...! I'm cured?"


"The Candles"

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time just before Easter. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you......

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8421869/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8421869/ Sun, 09 Apr 2006 21:03:50 PDT
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now.... Speak Spanish."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8349208/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8349208/ Mon, 03 Apr 2006 01:09:36 PDT
The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8155687/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/8155687/ Tue, 14 Mar 2006 03:51:19 PST around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans
over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one
bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes
and says,

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7993030/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7993030/ Fri, 24 Feb 2006 18:48:23 PST
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I SAID, DIG !"

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: "OPEN !"

OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: "TO THE CASINO !"

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: "ROULETTE !"

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: "27 !"

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is
quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: "Ooops!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7955742/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7955742/ Mon, 20 Feb 2006 18:09:08 PST
On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.

The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile."

So they sit the man down and begin to question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7822538/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7822538/ Mon, 06 Feb 2006 19:30:00 PST
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yep," replied the
drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The
three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jackass, it's ten past three in the morning!!!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7569638/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7569638/ Tue, 10 Jan 2006 23:35:50 PST on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The big chest blonde went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." She put on some clothes and went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went off. The well endowed blonde was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who support blonde women, the husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7444220/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/7444220/ Wed, 28 Dec 2005 22:46:49 PST Whether or not it's religious may be arguable, since the calendar might have something to do with religion.) And since the new year is going to come, no matter how you feel about it, you might as well make it a Happy one.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/6086967/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/6086967/ Thu, 04 Aug 2005 00:11:05 PDT
Do your part:

Support the Yellow Alien Legal fund: [link]

Some important reading material:
Double standards, anyone?: [link]
Save the Alien: [link]
°jark's reply: [link]
$spyed's defence: [link]
°jark's little history of deviantART: [link]
°jark's little story part 2: [link]
°jark's letter to $spyed [link]
°jark's email to $mccann [link]
°jark's involuntary termination: [link]

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5900223/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5900223/ Mon, 11 Jul 2005 01:28:59 PDT real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain!!!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5870436/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5870436/ Thu, 07 Jul 2005 19:05:09 PDT SHAME ON YOU!

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5785949/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5785949/ Tue, 28 Jun 2005 21:45:10 PDT
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5698086/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5698086/ Sun, 19 Jun 2005 20:01:42 PDT the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred" he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed
to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

"Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5642609/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5642609/ Tue, 14 Jun 2005 02:25:28 PDT (I have no idea what a go-fer is. probably an office-boy?)

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5613215/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5613215/ Fri, 10 Jun 2005 20:44:56 PDT (I'm now up to 89D and 17J)

"Stuck"

A traveling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby
farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the
night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."

-------

"What Would You Do?"

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the new corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new 100 cabin cruiser. He paid for our big summerhouse at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabdriver and said, “What would you do?"

The cabby said, “I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5466177/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5466177/ Thu, 26 May 2005 10:08:28 PDT (I'm now down to 81D and 19J)

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern." He claims that he is usually hot and
sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old jerk," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5407943/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5407943/ Fri, 20 May 2005 00:41:39 PDT
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5116052/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/5116052/ Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:51:07 PDT
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the insurance man, "I'm just wondering how much stronger am I'm gonna get?"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4922856/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4922856/ Sun, 27 Mar 2005 08:43:31 PST
"What's up?" He says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

The guy rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten SOB," screams the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4831523/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4831523/ Wed, 16 Mar 2005 18:53:08 PST
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4723928/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4723928/ Fri, 04 Mar 2005 01:11:53 PST
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4649581/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4649581/ Tue, 22 Feb 2005 22:23:01 PST This is why one shouldn't jump to conclusions too fast.
--

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

Then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4643133/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4643133/ Tue, 22 Feb 2005 05:19:43 PST I've got 50 Gmail's invites to give away, so if you want one just drop me a note with your email addy.

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the jungle, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asked the crocodile.

The elephant answered, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile said, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4507340/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4507340/ Sat, 05 Feb 2005 21:32:35 PST I've got 50 Gmail's invites to give away, so if you want one just drop me a note with your email addy.

A little brain teaser for you today:

A father and his son were in a horrible car accident. The father went to a hospital and his son went to another hospital
50 miles away. When it came time to operate on the man's
son the surgeon said, "I cannot operate on this man because he is my son."

How is this possible?
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scroll down to see the answer
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...The surgeon is his mother.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4456186/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4456186/ Sun, 30 Jan 2005 18:30:57 PST I've got 50 Gmail's invites to give away, so if you want one just drop me a note with your email addy.

"Self Taught"

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.

The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"

The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him."

--------------------

"Doctor's Referral"

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?"asked the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4398247/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4398247/ Sun, 23 Jan 2005 21:48:21 PST
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4280894/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4280894/ Sun, 09 Jan 2005 19:36:01 PST
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.

]]> `dreamz13 http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4248947/ http://dreamz13.deviantart.com/journal/4248947/ Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:09:30 PST
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

]]> `dreamz13