http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:ellutzab&section=today deviantART RSS for by:ellutzab en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 14 Dec 2009 23:58:13 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/23016290/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/23016290/ Thu, 05 Feb 2009 07:51:50 PST Di quei violini suonati dal vento, l'ultimo bacio, mia dolce bambina, brucia sul viso come gocce di limone - l'eroico coraggio di un feroce addio.
_{Ma sono lacrime, mentre piove, piove, mentre piove, piove, mentre piove, piove}
Magica quiete, velata indulgenza dopo l'ingrata tempesta. Riprendi fiato e con intenso trasporto celebri un mite e insolito risveglio.
Mille violini suonati dal vento, l'ultimo abbraccio, mia amata bambina, nel tenue ricordo di una pioggia d'argento, il senso spietato di un non ritorno.
Di quei violini suonati dal vento, l'ultimo bacio, mia dolce bambina, brucia sul viso come gocce di limone, l'eroico coraggio di un feroce addio.
_{Ma sono lacrime, mentre piove, piove, mentre piove, piove, mentre piove, piove.}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/22607109/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/22607109/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 01:20:50 PST i've got reasons to be happy. i'm healthy, i'm lucky and i'm loved. what else is there?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/22025778/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/22025778/ Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:02:28 PST azi vreau sa imi gasesc prietenii sub brad. nimic mai mult.
asadar... sa va vad cum va cumparati bilet si va puneti in sir indian in fata curtii mele... de la mic la mare sau de la mare la mic, nu-mi pasa. sa vad aici oameni din.. bucuresti, timisoara, harghita, mures, cluj, salaj, sibiu, sa zicem si state si canada... daca mai sunteti de pe undeva, dati de veste, sa fac mancare si de pe la voi.

deci. care vine?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/20400425/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/20400425/ Mon, 08 Sep 2008 23:58:20 PDT
]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/20300205/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/20300205/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 23:35:26 PDT How will people get to understand what my soul is all about? Some of you know me in person. Others know my messenger personna. Some of you know a couple of my photos. I'm really curious, what do you know, or think you know about my soul? What part of it stands out, as far as you're concerned?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/19838576/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/19838576/ Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:53:11 PDT
Choose a singer/band/group.
Savatage [if the hyper fan didn't chose Apocalyptica, how could I?]

Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group.

Tag 6 more people to do so and let them know they've been tagged, of course

Are you male or female?
Hard for Love (that would make me a.. bi? )

Describe yourself.
He Carves His Stone (Oh I like this one)

What do people feel when they're around you?
Surrender (fine with me )

How would you describe your previous relationship?
Taunting Cobras ()

Describe your current relationship.
Unusual ()

Where would you want to be now?
Somewhere In Time

How do you feel about love?
Living For the Night ()

What's your life like?
Not What You See

What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Stay With Me a While

Say something wise.
I Am (doesn't get wiser than that)

Well. This was me. Listening to Savatage, on shuffle. Now I'm going back to my boring day. Goodbye and goodnight.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/18928167/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/18928167/ Thu, 19 Jun 2008 11:04:37 PDT
a) tell you why I friended you
b) associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, a mental image, etc.
c) tell you something I like about you
d) tell you a memory I have of you
e) ask something I've always wanted to know about you
f) give you one piece of advice that might be useful to you
g) in return, you must post this in your journal

This was what and posted in their journals these days, and i loved both their answers. It would be great if you gave me the chance to give you nice answers as well

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/17921372/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/17921372/ Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:37:01 PDT ). My emo-mood is not over, just taking a break.

Oh, and I love music. Just in case it wasn't obvious already And men. Some girls too. A couple, not more. And spring, and the sun. And colors (fuchsia and chartreuse and ... the others). And sex. (I'm allowed to say that, I'm a big girl )

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/17282584/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/17282584/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 07:14:55 PDT Not now. I have no plan. I don't know. I do wish, but I do not know. I wish I could rewind, I wish I could press the fast forward button... I wish I could press the stop button. I wish I could at least pause it for a while. I can't.
There's too many "he"s in my life - the he i love, the he i hate, the he i miss, the he who misses me, the he who doesn't care, the he who cares too much, the he who pretends everything is alright and the he who claims nothing is right. And because of all these, I can't make plans. They are too good at ruining them for me.
So I make wishes. Many small wishes, one big wish.
This big wish refers to my grandpa. I'm not superstitious, not this time, so I write my wish out loud: i wish he was in good health. I really do. 'Cause I don't like thinking "Que sera sera" when it comes to him.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/16877547/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/16877547/ Thu, 14 Feb 2008 08:25:46 PST
Revenind la pisicii nostri, vreau una bucata somn. Si doua bucati de concediu. Si trei bucati de drumuri pe distanta lunga. Si patru bucati de tine. Ma rog, ”tine”-le asta nu vi se adreseaza tuturor, nu va umflati in pene. E doar un el (stiu, ar fi fost mai de efect daca era o ea, dar ce sa fac... exista si cazuri in care gluma nu se confunda cu realitatea, si asta-i unul din ele) care nu e aici, langa mine, ca daca ar fi nu s-ar mai povesti. S-ar povesti maine sau mai incolo, dar altceva, nu tot povestea asta despre absente.
Don't say goodbye like you're burying him
Cause the world is round and he might return...
Deci cum se calcula distanta? De la intrarea in orasul X pana la iesirea din orasul Y? Sau invers? In metri, kilometri, ore, minute, ganduri, cuvinte, felii de french toast, personaje din seriale, tablete de ciocolata, poze, cantece? Si asta imi pare destul de confuz. Somebody clear it out for me, will ya?
But if he loves me, then why does he leave?

De ce tin eu minte de cand eram mica ca lumea radea de umorul englezesc? De cand e ironia dusa inspre sarcasm motiv de ras?

A, si in cazul in care nu puteati dormi noaptea intrebandu-va asta... daca aflati vreodata ca sunt certata/ suparata cu/pe cineva, NU incercati sa ma impacati cu respectivul/a. I choose to be a bitch, and i'm quite enjoying it. Don't you dare spoil my fun. Or else.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/16500061/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/16500061/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 05:30:08 PST Not that I haven't already Last night I was out and I (we) had a mega-giga-terra-monster-laugh. 5 out of 6 people laughing till it hurts is pretty ok for a pre-b-day thing, isn't it?
And today... well, today is a work-day, which sucks. But it's a work-day, and I have music on me, and not afraid to use it.. so it sucks less. Besides, there's nothing that a load of chocolate can't solve... and I've got plenty of that.

Not many people wished me happy b-day. Partly because the day is still young. Partly because there are some who are just too shy to tell me anything (). And partly because people tend to forget things. I know I do

So. For all those who secretly want to wish me stuff, but didn't yet find the courage to do so, please be my guests, I'll be gentle. For those who forgot about my b-day... pretend you were going to say something anyway, I'm willing to buy it And for those of you who know it's my b-day, but will simply say nothing... well, thanks for knowing It's enough to make me smile.

Over and out

PS: I did get some pretty great on-phone wishes. From people I truly love.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/16107869/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/16107869/ Wed, 26 Dec 2007 10:53:26 PST There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
but I don't know how

No, this is not a journal about Christmas. It's simply about me and about the sea and about music and about trips and about scarves and about hugs and about whispers and about promises and about hopes and about friends and about love. It's about getting the perfect gift, the one that makes you feel the need to smile and jump for joy. It's about the smell that will forever stay with you, long after it's gone. It's about being proud of somebody other than you. It's about making plans and sticking to them, no matter what. It's about dreaming of a better you. It's about not waiting to be saved anymore. It's about feeling at home when you're away. It's about fog, and it's about mornings, and it's about nights. It's about winding roads, that you are eager to walk on. It's about playing games until they stop being games and living reality until it turns into a game. It's about surrealism and about colors. It's about the way I smile right now.

It's about how I need you to smile back.

----------------
Now playing: Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
via FoxyTunes

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15743806/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15743806/ Sat, 01 Dec 2007 02:57:36 PST . But he did get the message through, and I did answer.
It took us a little over 4 years to finally tie the knot. I guess he kept hoping I'd change my mind But of course, I didn't. And from the looks of it, neither did he.
I love him. I love the man he has become, and i love it that we grew together. I love it that i know i can depend on him to be there for me. He's my lover, my husband and my friend. He's the one person for whom I am the number one priority.

I hope each of you finds it . If you do, do yourselves a favor, and don't throw it away because it's hard to keep it. It is supposed to be hard. Otherwise we wouldn't understand just how precious it is.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15723033/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15723033/ Thu, 29 Nov 2007 15:15:17 PST hate waiting?

Borrowed this from ~LadyCrimson

1. How old will you be in five years?
30.

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
co-workers

3. How tall are you?
1.65. not tall at all

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
ummm... killing my co-workers by means of Xmas carols

5. What's the last movie you saw?
I have ...no idea

6. Who was the last person you called?
pq

7. Who was the last person to call you?
pq

8. Who was the last text message from that you received?
Orange

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
my boss

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
call

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
in bed. or somewhere close to it

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
still seeing her. (the woman never sleeps)

14. What color are your eyes?
Green

15. What time did you wake up today?
7.30

16. What are you wearing right now?
too many things to mention. so not sexy

17. What is your favorite christmas song?
the one with the drummer boy

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
with people i love

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
waiting for somebody or something

20. Where do you want to travel to?
Some fancy little town in France

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I hope not 6 feet under

22. Do you tan or burn?
I don't know, don't really remember when i last sunbathed

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
some mean old nurse

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Oh, that has to be the cock

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

26. How big is your bed?
big enough for me and him

27.Do you have a laptop or desktop?
desktop

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
with(out). it depends on so many details

29. What color are your sheets?
white.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
one

31. What season is your favorite?
Spring

32. What do you like about fall?
whose fall?

33. What do you like about winter?
my bday

34. What do you like about summer?
Friends coming to visit me and my sea

35. What do you like about spring?
lilies of the valley

36. How many states have you lived in?
Romania

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Constanta

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Shoes on socks on bare feet

39. Are you a social person?
ahum

40. What was the last thing you ate?
mashed potatoes with steak

42. What is your favorite ice cream
yogurt... and kiwi...and watermelon...and chocolate... and .... i should stop before somebody gets hurt

43. What is your favorite dessert?
chocolate

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
tomato soup

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
no jelly for me, thank you very much

46. Do you like Chinese food?
never tried it

47. Do you like coffee?
nope

48. How much water, a day, do you drink on average?
a cup ... and my kidneys don't like that at all

49. What do you drink in the morning?
nothing

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yes

52. Do you know how to play poker?
No

53. Do you like to cuddle?
sure

54. Have you... ]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15600276/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15600276/ Wed, 21 Nov 2007 05:39:39 PST The "what have you done up to now" part is that i did not have a nice autumn. It started bad, it went on to getting worse. It hurt, and still does. I've been burrying myself in work and in meaningless stuff just to get my mind off things. I try to understand, but I can't really. I guess I'll never understand people who just vanish into thin air, and I'll never understand broken promises, and I will never understand the kind of friendships that need conditions to survive. I still believe in the old "i'm there, no matter what" type of friendship.
Work is weird. I work my head off and they say it's not enough, I waste valuable time doing nothing and they start telling me what a great employee I am. I am told that persons I really admire are worthless, while persons who, in my eyes, have done nothing but suck up to the right person are priceless. They appreciate me for my honesty but they'd rather I kept my mouth shut.
This is why I needed a break. And I took it. Only it's not exactly what I planned to do... making doctor appointments is not exactly my idea of a great break from work. Oh well, I'll manage. In the meantime, I'm packing. PQ needs to get to Bucharest, and I decided to tag along (I always do ). And since this is happening on a Thursday, we thought there's no point in going back to work on Friday (brilliant thinking, isn't it), so we're taking an extended weekend, going to Brasov, or Campina, or both, or neither. The best thing about this is we have absolutely no plan. That should keep us away from disappointments

I haven't forgotten how it was like to take photos. I still know, just press the little button... I just don't like any of the pics I take. They are too much a part of who I am right now, and Lord knows that's not something I'd like to remember in the future.

I want to fast-forward. I'm sure you've all had that feeling at some point. I want to forget, I want to forgive. I need to get over this year. I need to find hope that the next year will bring something better. I need to believe that I've touched the bottom and that there's only one way to go, and that's upwards. I guess I should start reading those self-motivational books, who tell you to tell yourself that you're fine.

Quite a long one, wasn't it? Well... we all need to rant at times. I missed ranting. And I missed being read.

_{Cuvantul cel mai frumos din limba romana a ramas "dor"}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15585274/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15585274/ Tue, 20 Nov 2007 04:23:07 PST
I live. One day at a time. I hate September, and I can't stand the thought of October. I feel old in November and try to fast-forward to December.

_iubesc

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15125221/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/15125221/ Fri, 19 Oct 2007 06:37:00 PDT
On quite a different note, I'm developing quite an addiction to music. It started out as curiosity - "why not try to see what he's listening to?". It ended up with me being amazed by the amount of music I never heard about, though I should have, as it's great. And I devour everything, I'm hungry for more. So, just a thought. If you happen to have a particular artist you appreciate, please drop a line, I'd like to give it a try. I may not like it, but I will surely appreciate the broadening of my horizon

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14996969/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14996969/ Wed, 10 Oct 2007 08:21:08 PDT
Aaaaanyway. Thing is I'd like to introduce a deviant person. Deviant in every possible way, and I know at least one respected (?) teacher who would swear by her deviousness. After all, she does listen to... _music.
So, without further ado (although ado-ing is what I do best), i give you the one, the only, the magnificent... ~Dianaisme
Now, bear in mind that she is just starting to get to know dA (although I did try my very best to flood her with links ), so be nice. Well, not too nice though, you just might scare her off.
Don't hesitate to give advice, she is quite willing to learn. And pay attention to what she has to write. Her tool of trade is the word. Written or spoken, she manages to say a lot. Even to me
Got it? Short recap. She's nice, witty, wicked, good with words and constantly learning new things. Oh and she makes work fun
Keep that in mind, and pay her a visit.
Thanks a bunch

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14795643/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14795643/ Wed, 26 Sep 2007 04:51:45 PDT
Bottom line is dA has become part of my life out of boredom. And out of my need to find new friends. I've found more than that. I've found a place to call home. In some of your hearts. And I found people who call my heart home. Not many. In fact, not many at all. But it's a true home, I swear. The kind that has the door open anytime. And where it's always warm and comfy.

I'm trying to remember what I was listening to a year ago. I'm guessing not Fiona Apple. Don't you sometimes have the impression there's just too little time? Too little time for music, for movies, for books, for friends. Too little time for love. I do. I wish I could listen to more music, see more movies, read more books, meet my friends more often. The one thing I do not wish is to love more. I love plenty as it is.

Thank you. Those of you who keep teaching me how to live, thank you.


_{Just so you know what obsesses me:
I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts
Waiting for the black to replace my blue
I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught.}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14613626/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14613626/ Thu, 13 Sep 2007 07:06:08 PDT Well, this is my time of saying it. I tried to do it before, but never enough. Never with enough conviction. I kept resuming the game before I was completely ready to do so. Maybe I'll keep it up this time. I've made too many decisions based on fear. I need to undo them. And I have no idea how to do that, since I'm still pretty damn scared. Wish me luck.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14541266/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14541266/ Sat, 08 Sep 2007 06:40:16 PDT I'm more afraid of living than I am scared to die
I'm more afraid of falling than I am of flying high

I'm more afraid of loving than I am of being scorned
but I will keep on trying though I have been forwarned

I would rather me be lonely and you have someone to hold
I'm not as scared of dying as I am of growing old

_{Ben Harper - Glory and Consequence}


This has not been a nice week. And this is not a nice day. I miss feeling at home. Death scares me, because it reminds me I have not lived enough. I have not yet don enough. I have not yet loved enough. Reminds me that reincarnation is not a given fact, so we need to make the best of this life, 'cause it might just be our last chance to live.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14376934/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14376934/ Tue, 28 Aug 2007 07:53:22 PDT )

Sunt cativa oameni care mi-au facut vara mai vara si vacanta mai libera. Rasul mai vesel si ochii mai plini de soare. Ii iubesc pe toti. Si le-o spun. Poate prea des . Dar macar daca mor, atata regret nu o sa am
Il iubesc pe omul cel moale, si pe tanti cea care se crede luna, si pe nenea mdb-istul si pe nenea care-si lasa amprenta dentara in antebratul meu si ale carui fotografii m-au facut sa ma simt mica mica mica si pe tanti creatza care citeste norii (da mai, aia sigur era o vacutza) si pe nenea care miauna ca un pisic mic de tot si care uneori zice shhh numai ca sa ma scoata pe mine din sarite ( ) si pe un nene blond care raspunde "aici e radio" si pe domnul sofer cel care imi e mereu alaturi si pe Sisi cea muscatoare de degete si de alte parti ale corpului (ok, nu-i chiar om, dar nu conteaza) si pe mine.
Cheers to us.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14010159/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/14010159/ Sat, 04 Aug 2007 02:47:17 PDT 2. abolished distances
3. leaves growing in my eyes
4. books that grab me into their world
5. smile on your face
6. chocolate
7. a tan, or at least a tanned boy
8. a pair of wings
9. new, tighter ribs
10. smile on your face
11. photoshoots
12. phoenix
13. sleepless nights
14. painless days
15. smile on your face
16. phone calls
17. heartbeats in my tummy
18. bites
19. sore lips
20. smile on your face.
21. the power to turn the time backwards and forwards.

... that should be enough. for now

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13728558/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13728558/ Sat, 14 Jul 2007 07:37:46 PDT
It's summer. Someone told me that today. A friend
It's hot. It's sunny.
I've got a new kitty. She does not have a name.
Things might go bad. But they won't. Not if I keep smiling.

Edit: Yes, I would love to know the names you'd give a cat. Reward for the cat-name winner: beer if you happen to pass by and I will do my best to keep kitty's claws away from your blood vessels.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13571266/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13571266/ Sun, 01 Jul 2007 23:54:48 PDT I know you do. We all felt like that at least once. We all felt overwhelmed. And we all loved it.
The thing is I need to express it somehow. And "I love you" is not enough. Neither is "te iubesc" or any other words saying it.

I found that at times Nichita Stanescu does the trick. Those of you who speak Romanian might understand what I mean by sayign that "sa te imbratisez cu coastele-as fi vrut" expresses much of what i'd like to say to HIM.

I was wondering if maybe you know something so deep or so simple that might just express something that it's beyond words. ]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13454551/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13454551/ Sat, 23 Jun 2007 01:30:50 PDT Dar cunosti alti oameni care sufera de socializare isterica. Si te intrebi de ce iti sunt atat de cunoscuti. De ce ii simti deodata ai tai. Atunci intelegi. Si-ti dai jos una din masti. Insa numai in fata lor.
Pentru restul.. zambetele nu te costa nimic.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13337033/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13337033/ Thu, 14 Jun 2007 00:53:06 PDT If I was in the fridge, would you open the door?
If I was the grass, would you mow your lawn?
If I was your body, would you still wear clothes?
If I was a booger, would you blow your nose?
Would you keep it? Would you eat it?
I'm just tryin to give myself a reason, for being around.

If I was the front porch swing would you let me hang?
If I was the dance floor would you shake your thing?
If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce
Up and down inside your bank account?
Would ya trust me, not to break you?
I'm just tryin really hard to make you,
notice me being around.

If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?
If I was a maid, could I clean your flat?
If I was the carpet would ya wipe your feet,
In time to save me from mud off the street?
If you like me, if you love me,
why don't you get down on your knees
and scrub me?
I'm a little grubby
From being around.

_{The Lemonheads - Being Around}

I love freaks, but you should know that by now.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13162880/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13162880/ Thu, 31 May 2007 11:07:28 PDT orice Rory isi revine stop e nevoie inghetata, maraton de filme, o excursie pana in Sinaia stop biroul nostru va avea jaluzele portocalii si japonezi buni la toate stop si pozele noastre pe pereti stop va fi cel mai narcisist birou din lume stop Agreed? fullstop. te iubesc stop si de la cap

_{PS: mood nu e isolated-ul ala, e ceva intre tired si excited, dar dA-ul nu vrea sa-mi faca pe plac.}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13035371/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/13035371/ Mon, 21 May 2007 08:07:40 PDT Si nu inteleg de ce Domnul de care toti imi vorbesc are cai asa intortocheate. Nu pot sa inteleg de ce mi se intampla mie. Si nu, nu accept ca "totul are un scop" si nici ca "o sa vezi tu, pana la urma o sa fie bine". Eu vreau ACUM sa fie bine. Acum, cand inca m-as mai putea bucura de binele ce mi se-ntampla. Vreau ca scopul sa nu fie unul oarecare, ci sa fie acela de a ma face pe MINE fericita. Sigur ca totul are un scop. Doar ca nu o sa ma ajute pe mine cu nimic daca scopul o sa fie acela de a vedea cat rezist. Sa mi se spuna ca asta e scopul, si dau eu raspunsul, fara mari probleme: nu mai rezist. Cedez. Capitulez. Ridic steagul alb. Nu-l vezi? Bine...ridic cearsaful. Nu-i destul de mare? Tot nu pricepi ca nu mai lupt? Ce sa mai ridic? De ce e nevoie pentru ca, intr-un final, sa fiu scutita de probe si teste?
Si in definitiv... de ce eu? Ce am eu asa diferit de toti de cineva, undeva, are impresia ca imi poate pune sac peste sac in spinare? Nu ma intereseaza martiriul, nu vreau sa-mi ridice nimeni osanale. E ok daca toti ma vor crede un nimeni. Nici nu vreau sa fiu cineva. Vreau doar sa se termine odata cu toate astea. Vreau sa spun intr-o zi "azi vreau sa stau in parc" si sa nu primesc in clipa viitoare telefon de la nimeni care sta intins pe un pat de spital. Vreau un copil, si vreau un sold, si vreau un zambet pe chipul lui. Vreau ceea ce oamenii "normali" au. Vreau sa fiu un om normal.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12921206/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12921206/ Fri, 11 May 2007 20:50:23 PDT The saddest part of this story is that if your demons are strong enough and old enough and if they do a really good job tormenting you, there is no way you can ask for help. You may try, you may yell, you may scream, you may beg... the truth is it's all inside your mind. All those cries for help are heard by you and you alone. What goes out of your mouth is an "I'll be ok". You know it's a lie. You feel it. You remember all the times you've said it, and you know it was always a lie. But you have no choice. You need to convince the others you'll be ok. And if they behave as if everything's just fine, maybe you will too. Maybe if you pretend enough you'll end up living in your make-believe world.

Yet you know the truth. The cage you built around your heart is better than any safe-box in any bank. No one can break the walls. Not even you.

"si singurul care moare incet, zi de zi, sunt eu"

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12788422/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12788422/ Mon, 30 Apr 2007 09:27:31 PDT
]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12768055/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12768055/ Sat, 28 Apr 2007 15:14:17 PDT _{and it's no sacrifice -just a simple word-
it's two hearts living in two seperate worlds}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12466388/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12466388/ Thu, 05 Apr 2007 06:10:33 PDT Nota: "Sarbatoreste" e adverb in cazul de fata. Nu e un indemn, in nici un caz, asa ca nu-l luati ca atare.

Vine Pastele. Asa am auzit si eu, nu sunt sigura insa, ca eu asteptam sa simt spiritul de paste, sa aud clopote la biserica, sa astept cu sufleul la gura ouale rosii si pasca si drobul... si cand colo, marele lucru pe care-l astept acum e sa ajung acasa sa dorm. Ma rog, o fi si asta un soi de sarbatoare, trebuie doar sa invat sa ma bucur de ea.
Dar asta o sa faca subiectul altui jurnal. In asta vorbim de Paste, nu? Care vine... am aflat eu din felicitari. Cred ca le-ati primit si voi, sau o sa le primiti. Felicitari cu iepurasi care tzopaie fericiti si ureaza "happy easter", felicitari cu Iisus rastignit si cu mesaje spirituale, care incep cu "fie ca spiritul Domnului.... ", felicitari "funny" cu porcul care rade de miel, felicitari "cute" cu copiii care se pupa pe obraz, cu oul ascuns la spate, felicitari "serioase" cu buchetul de flori si cu eternul "Cu ocazia sfintelor sarbatori....", felicitari in serial, in pps-uri, cu 20 de maxime inghesuite in cativa biti...
Le tot primesc, desi nu trimit niciodata. Si ma tot intreb care-i sensul lor? Ce inseamna, AZI, felicitarile astea? Acum 20 (yes, i am THAT old) de ani eram fericita cand primeam de la prietena din Oradea o felicitare, pentru ca insemna ca mai traieste, si ca se gandeste la mine. Telefonul costa mult, si nu ne permiteam sa sunam sa intrebam ce mai face x, ce mai face y. Asa ca felicitarile erau doar pretextul sa strecori si o scrisorica, in care sa povestesti ce noutati au aparut in viata ta. Dar prietena mea din Oradea sta azi pe messenger. Imi povesteste cum i-a inflorit laleaua, cum pisicul tocmai a sarit pe perdea, cum o randunica i-a batut in geam... ce ar mai putea sa scrie in felicitari? Ca imi doreste paste fericit? Stiu asta. Ce nu stiu e cum ar putea dorinta ei sa se implineasca, cum ar putea pastele sa devina brusc fericit.
Si stiti ce este cel mai stresant? Sa primesti o felicitare, iar la "To" sa fie o lista de adrese care nu se mai termina. Mesajul sa fie la fel de potrivit pentru oricare din destinatari. Si cantitatea de emotii transmisa sa fie constanta la toti... = 0
Asa ca va rog, daca nu vreti sa ma faceti sa pacatuiesc cu gandul in saptamana mare, nu trimiteti felicitari. Ganditi-va pentru o clipa la mine si o sa fie de ajuns. Iar daca nu e... tough luck. Macar nu o sa va cred ipocriti.

Acestea fiind spuse, "va multumesc pentru atentie, si imi iau la revedere pe aceasta cale....."

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12330161/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/12330161/ Sun, 25 Mar 2007 23:24:58 PDT
Am obosit de jocul de-a "I can do this". Am obosit sa joc singura. Am obosit sa-i imping in laturi pe cei care vor sa se joace cu mine. Am obosit sa-i protejez pe cei ce nu se vor protejati, sa-i iubesc pe cei ce nu se vor iubiti, sa-i inteleg pe cei ce vor sa ramana neintelesi.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11997676/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11997676/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 08:17:55 PST Quite the contrary. People I didn't know opened up to me. And people I had never met began to like me. Some even to love me. And hugs were no longer polite, they were long waited for. And when I missed my friends I just needed to make a call, and they were there for me. And then friends became family, and that phone call was no longer needed. They were there no matter what.

It's been quite some time. The frightened teenager who kept wishing somebody would hate her a little less doesn't live anymore. Actually she does, but only in memories. Her place was taken by somebody who feels strong, who knows that she can make it through pretty much anything. 7 years made all the difference in the world.

I love.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11918309/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11918309/ Thu, 22 Feb 2007 07:54:09 PST Yes, it is true.. the old crazyness is back. I'm doing tags

If I were a month I would be: may
If I were a day of the week I would be: saturday. for sure
If I were a time of day I would be: 7 pm
If I were a planet I would be: ummm... I'd say Venus, but it's toooo obvious so... maybe Mars (?)
If I were a animal I would be: a cat
If I were a direction I would be: west
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a sofa
If I were a historical figure I would be: a man, most probably
If I were a liquid I would be: cola. or coffee. or milk.
If I were a tree I would be: cherry tree
If I were a flower/plant I would be: lilly-of-the-valley
If I were a kind of weather I would be: snowy
If I were a musical instrument I would be: guitar
If I were an emotion I would be: easy one... love
If I were a color I would be: a warm one
If I were a fruit I would be: pomegranate
If I were an element I would be: air
If I were a car I would be: big and comfy
If I were a song I would be: La femme chocolat - Olivia Ruiz.
If I were a movie I would be directed by: Richard Linklater
If I were a book I would be written by: Pirandello
If I were a food I would be: spaghetti
If I were a place I would be: there
If I were a material I would be: velvet
If I were a taste I would be: sweet or salty
If I were a word I would be: glomp
If I were an object I would be a: book
If I were a body part I would be the: shoulder
If I were a facial expression I would be:
if I were a cartoon character I would be: Captain Planet
If I were a shape I would be: a sphere
If I were a number I would be: 21. 1 for each of us

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11770330/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11770330/ Sun, 11 Feb 2007 08:38:52 PST
Yours truly,
Ella

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11583454/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11583454/ Fri, 09 Feb 2007 10:05:12 PST I'm back home. And no, it wasn't at all nice and pretty. And it still isn't. The surgery turned out to be much more difficult than I had thought. I have one quarter of an ovary left, and little chance of having children. I have a headache that just won't let me be, and a cold because of the so-called windows in the hospital, windows that kept the cold in and the warmth out, apparently. I'm not really Mrs Joy, even though I do try my very best. I make jokes, and I try to cheer those around me. Not because of my big heart, but because I couldn't stand seeing them sad. I've got a week to get better. And I will, 'cause I have to. Then two more weeks to get really happy. Then I need to see the doctor again. Then I need to get back living MY life. (Oh yes, I do make plans. Couldn't wake up tomorrow if there was nothing planned for me to do.)
I wonder how to stop crying. I was hoping it would go away with chocolate or medicine, but it doesn't. That's fine, I still have a week to find that out, and I will.

Oh yeah, there was one good thing about this whole period. I felt loved. I once told somebody there is no need for "thank you's" between me and him. That was so false. I know he doesn't need to be thanked, but I need to thank him. To thank you, those who cared. Who called, who wrote, who thought good thoughts. You have no idea how much that meant to me. How good it felt to be in the hospital, feeling abandoned at the edge of the universe, and hear the phone ring. Those calls kept me wanting to get well. They still do.


***


I can't explain this now. I don't want to, not before i get a chance to understand it myself... I just need my friends near. In thought, in person, online, offline, underline... i don't really care. I just need them.

...

The reason: I found out a few days ago that I have a dermoid cyst on one of my ovaries, which needs to be surgically removed. Since it hurts, it means it needs to be removed ASAP.
What scares me the most is not the surgical procedure itself, not even the pain... it's just my obsessive fear of hospitals. I'm terrified, petrified, mortified at the very thought of being in a hospital. Last time I was hospitalized I almost didn't make it out of there, partly because of my illness, and partly because I was very depressed because of that hospital.
And I'm scared. Last time I had a good night sleep was last Wednesday... since then I barely closed my eyes. I just can't find the calm I need. I can't find it in myself, and I can't find it in anyone else. I'm nervous, and jumpy, and I can't control my reactions, and I can't eat, and I am angry at people who have done nothing wrong, and I hate this situation. And I have no idea when this will end, because the "system" has it that there is no need to tell the patient when the surgery will be performed. "You will find out eventually".

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11524711/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11524711/ Mon, 22 Jan 2007 00:23:21 PST It was my birthday yesterday. And I got love. Love and memories.
Thank you, all of you who gave me a part of your time and a part of your love. Thank you for the publicity , thank you for making me weep my eyes , thank you for making me laugh so hard, thank you ,, , and .
Thank you , and for being... family. And thank you for memories.

_{domnilor studenti, bafta in sesiune, fingers crossed}

Please, don't ask how it feels like to be older. I don't feel older, nor younger, i just feel like myself

_{Je ne m'oppose pas a la vie.}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11443258/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11443258/ Mon, 15 Jan 2007 04:55:38 PST Le sang qui coule en moi c'est du chocolat chaud.

a fost nevoie doar de un gram, pentru a ma transforma in dependenta de ciocolata. Mi-a intrat in sistem, si cere mereu mai mult. Dozele mici nu-mi mai ajung. Nu ma mai multumesc cu mirosul de ciocolata... mi-e dor sa o gust.

Mai are cineva dependenta asta?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11359413/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11359413/ Mon, 08 Jan 2007 07:43:14 PST Zece.
Ni s-a dat un decalog. Noi cautam mijloace sa il punem la incercare. Si se pare ca ne reuseste. Sa nu minti (dar poti spune minciuni albe), Sa nu ucizi (nu, animalele nu sunt ucise, doar mancate), Sa nu preacurvesti (era doar un flirt inocent), Sa nu furi (oricum nu-l folosea.. nici nu si-a dat seama ca-i lipseste)... Da.. nu e deloc complicat. Orice se poate explica. Nici nu ai nevoie de prea multe rationamente.
Noua.
Luni. Dupa noua, doi devine trei. Matematica simplificata. Si doi au atunci de ales, sa se apropie mult mult, sa-l ia si pe trei cu ei, si sa devina unul... sau sa se lase indepartati. Si atunci nu mai e trei. E doi cu doi, in cazurile fericite. Sau unu cu unu si cu unul, in celelalte cazuri.
Opt.
Infinitul rasturnat. Cand iti dai seama ca Infinitul exista doar in distante, ca il simti doar atunci cand mai ai de asteptat pana la venirea LUI. sau a EI, dupa caz. Insa el, infinitul, lipseste cu desavarsire atunci cand vrei sa pastrezi zambetul din prezent si-ti dai seama ca el va fi sters incet incet de pe buzele tale, oricat de mult ai lupta tu.
Sapte.
ROGVAIV. Rosu pentru inima, oranj pentru zambet, galben pentru caldura, verde pentru iarba din care musti cu degetele, albastru pentru apa care de fapt e verde, dar tu te incapatanezi sa o vezi albastra, indigo pentru noptile fara el si violet pentru zilele in care te crezi regina.
Sase.
Omul universal, desenat in sase colturi. Steaua lui David cu Omul universal in centrul ei. Omul care nu are nevoie de un alt om, pentru ca e si femeie si barbat, si yin si yang. Omul fericit, multumit si implinit.
Cinci.
Pentru ca suntem oameni. Si pentru ca impliniti nu putem fi. Suntem cinci sesimi din total si, lucru ciudat, atunci cand mai intalnim cinci sesimi, nu reusim sa ramanem cinci sesimi si cinci sesimi... ne amestecam, ne incurcam intre noi, si ramanem patru cincimi intr-o parte si sase septimi in alta si ne intrebam de ce ne simtim altfel. Sunt foarte rare cazurile, dar exista, in care cinci sesimi si cinci sesimi da sase sesimi. _{Cititi asta cu voce tare de cateva ori. Ati reusit? Bravo, la actorie cu voi.}
Patru.
In patru puncte cardinale de ar zbura fragmente din mine, nu ar fi de ajuns. Ar mai ramane nord-estul, nord-vestul, sud-estul, sud-vestul, ca sa nu mai pomenim de nord-nord-est sau de sud-sud-est... Vreau sa ma fac bucati mici mici de tot, sa zbor peste tot, sa ii imbratisez pe toti cei care sunt in sufletul meu dar s-au raspandit in cele 4 la ce putere vreti voi zari. Si poate atunci, dupa ce voi fi imbratisat pe toti cei pe care-i imbratisez oricum in vis, voi putea sa ma simt intreaga. Poate.
Trei.
Scuip de trei ori in san. Fac trei pasi in spate. Mai fac trei pasi in fata. Nu, nu dansez nici o hora. Ma feresc. Ma pazesc. Ma apar. De ei. Nu imi dau seama ca de fapt de mine ar trebui sa ma apar. Eh... poate voi invata candva. Poate.
Doi.
Zi-noapte, viata - moarte, aici - acolo. Tu - eu. Eu - eu. Prea in opozitie. Hai sa facem o noapte alba - asta e compromisul intre zi si noapte. Hai sa ne traim viata de parca am fi morti - asta e compromisul intre viata si moarte. Hai sa facem dragoste - asta e compromisul intre tu si eu. Hai sa renunt la compromisuri - asta e compromisul intre eu si eu. La naiba... nu cred ca merge. Revenim. Hai sa accept ca trebuie sa fac compromisuri. Ei da.. asa da. Iata frumosul compromis intre eu si eu.
Unu.
Dupa atatea compromisuri, iata-ma pe mine cu mine. Am invatat sa numar. Am inteles ce numar - imi numar gandurile. Am inteles ce nu trebuie - nu trebuie sa pun stavila gandurile. Am inteles ce nu pot - nu pot sa ma prefac ca sunt altcineva decat sunt. Nu pentru ca nu as vrea. Nu pentru ca nu as accepta sa ma prefac. Nu pentru ca morala mea solida nu-mi permite. Ci pentru ca nu stiu cine sunt. Si ar fi un non-sens prea demn de post-modernisti sa ma prefac ca sunt ceva ce nu sunt, fara a stii cine sunt. _{M-am pierdut si pe mine. Don't bother to follow}

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11309363/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11309363/ Thu, 04 Jan 2007 03:59:21 PST

She was lying there. Everybody was busy, trying to get an ambulance come over. That's the problem with New Year's Eve. It's rather difficult to get an ambulance come over. They were calling cabs, doctors, neighbours, anybody that could help. She was lying there. I took her head in my hands. Her last breath took my smile away.

Day 1

They all cried. I couldn't. I just waited. I hoped. I was hoping I'd die too. I didn't

Day 2

They kept crying. I kept hoping.

Day 15

They started living. I started crying

Day 60

They said it got better in time. They never said how much time it took for it to get better.

Day 100.

She was still there, lying down. Her breath, her final breath, was still the one that took my smile away.

Day 365

I was in love. She was not there to share it with me.

Year 1

I smiled. But it was not a real smile. It was half a smile. I lived half a life.

Year 2

Why aren't you here? You know I need you. You were always there for me when I needed you. Why not now?

Year 6

They said it got better with time. They were wrong. It still hurts. My smile is still half a smile. My life is still half a life. I still feel like half the person I used to be. I still need you. I still miss you. I still hope.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11209127/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11209127/ Wed, 27 Dec 2006 07:20:24 PST Demain sera un autre jour
Demain, demain toujours demain
Demain tu trouveras l'amour
Demain, demain toujours demain
Demain la chance tournera
Demain, demain toujours demain
Demain la vie vous sourira
Demain, demain toujours demain
Demain on oubliera demain
Quand c'est qu'arrivera demain
Demain sera toujours demain
O qu'ils sont nombreux les demain

Demain, demain - Les Fabulous Trobadors

Christmas was great. Not because of the gifts (which were not at all bad), but because of the love I felt. Because Christmas brought me a new friend, because I never got tired of Olivia Ruiz's song, because food tasted better after certain phone calls, because smiles were true, because dreams seemed real and because Santa had so many names. Because I laughed, and because I lay in bed in his arms, and because his arms were wrapped so tight around me that I wondered if we were still two or we had suddenly, again, become one.
I rediscovered French, and Cuban, and Mexican, and Jazz, and good music.. I danced; people i worship told me that they had always admired me; i never had to ask, they just gave; the weekend was never-ending; even clerks smiled back at me.

Now I'm waiting for tomorrow. Demain. The time of hopes, of promises, of dreams, of wishes. My time. Our time. I will probably not be online the 31st of Dec or the 1st of January. But will be wishing you all Happy New Year.

s to some, s to others and s to few.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11172797/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11172797/ Sun, 24 Dec 2006 09:52:05 PST Thank you. May you feel just as much love from me as I do from you.

Oh and...
Merry (and full of presents) Christmas to all of you

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11102498/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11102498/ Mon, 18 Dec 2006 07:25:15 PST Ti se pun uneori cearcane pe suflet. niste pete mari si vinetii, care le spun celor care au ochi sa le vada ca tu nu ti-ai odihnit sufletul indeajuns, ca nu ai purtat ochelarii atunci cand trebuia, ca ai pierdut noptile si ai obosit. Si nu gasesti batoane corectoare, si nu poti sa dai cu un pic de fond de ten si sa le ascunzi. Norocul tau ca nu le vad toti. Le vad doar cei care au intrat acolo in sufletul tau, cu sau fara voia ta, si ti-au zis ca le esti drag. Restul vad exact ce vrei tu sa le arati: zambetul strengaresc, parul in ochi si buzele.

Ciudat cum se joaca dorul cu noi. Ni se face dor de oamenii pe care nu-i cunoastem.

Vreau sa simt spiritul sarbatorilor. VREAU (moment in care ma arunc in pat si incep sa zbier ca vreau, si toti ies din camera). Asa ca m-am inarmat. Colinde, esente, fructe, chestii de decorat.... a da, si niste zambete. doua-trei, sa nu exagerez. Si totusi.. nu-l simt. Fir-ar el de spirit, se ascunde de mine, mai mult ca niciodata.

Imi spui tu ce sa fac sa-l gasesc?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11040510/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/11040510/ Tue, 12 Dec 2006 13:50:24 PST
How to Be Optimistic

If you are one of those people that are just plain pessimistic...you can change! Being optimistic helps you get friends and builds your confidence!
Steps

1. Smiling is the number one way to always look happy, and it is infectious!
2. Laugh! The day that is wasted is the day you don't laugh.
3. Do something worth smiling for!
4. Never drone on about your problems to everyone.
5. If you are having a bad day or something bad has happened to you, don't take it out on everyone else. If you are feeling really bad, confide in a close friend, but hold your head high and put on a smile for everyone else.
6. Think of that special someone who brings light into your life.
7. Think about all the good things you have.
8. Learn to see yourself as pretty. If you really aren't (some of us are just plain ugly, sorry!) then avoid mirrors and try to improve your appearance.

Tips

* If you need help laughing, find sites with motivational and funny quotes. Read funny stories and watch sitcoms on TV.
* Be happy now instead of later because optimists live longer
* Join an organization that has a positive focus such as Optimist International.


That was about it... now isn't the internet helpful . The last one.. my absolute favorite. Gotta love them, right?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10921194/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10921194/ Sat, 02 Dec 2006 04:53:22 PST
]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10741836/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10741836/ Thu, 16 Nov 2006 06:17:31 PST ". Am primit una de ziua mea, anul trecut... sau nu... acum 2 ani cred. Am luat-o, am multumit frumos, si am pus-o deoparte, alaturi de alte chestii care nu inseamna decat ca cel care ti-a facut cadou era intr-o mare pana de idei. A trecut ceva vreme, si mi-am amintit de cartulie. I-am citit (ciudat, stiu) pentru prima oara titlul: "Prieten PE VIATA". Prima observatie... "mda. PE VIATA. Majuscule. catchy "
Dar... DAR. Pentru ca nu ma uitasem pe carte, nu vazusem nici unde e pus semnul... si mi-am amintit cum ea, cand mi-a dat cadoul, m-a rugat sa ma uit acolo unde e semnul... dar eu uitasem, in febra despachetarilor si ciocnirii de pahare....
acum aveam cartea in mana. Si nu puteam sa deschid. Imi aminteam prea multe lucruri in doar cateva clipe. Flashback peste flashback. Eu cu ea in parc, culegeam castane. Eu cu ea ne certam cu parintii ei. Eu cu ea eram in sala de internet, razand pe infundate. Eu cu ea la bal.... eu cu ea la banchet.... eu cu ea la ziua mea, la ziua ei, la scoala, acasa la mine, acasa la ea, in fata acvariului cu pesti fierti de noi, in fata peretului afumat tot de noi, in fata TV, dat incet incet sa nu afle nimeni ca noi chiulim de la mate ca sa ne uitam la Non e la Rai... noi in autobuz, scriind numere de telefon pe bilete... noi la spital, incercand sa ne facem una pe alta sa radem... noi... noi... noi despartite. indepartate. reci. indiferente. ocupate. obosite. noi in lacrimi. noi.
In cele din urma am deschis. Am vazut un semn mic mic de tot facut cu creionul. o steluta. semnul ei...
"Oriunde te-ai afla, prietenii tai sunt lumea ta".

Nu, nu am sunat-o imediat. Nu, nu am facut the right thing, nu i-am batut la usa pentru a-i spune ca mi-a fost dor de ea. Nimic din toate astea. Ne-am intalnit intr-o zi intamplator. Si i-am zis ca ma simt bine in lumea mea. Ea a zambit. Si eu. Si am continuat sa fim ocupate, si obosite, si reci, si indiferente. Dar stiu ca uneori inchide ochii si se simte bine in lumea ei. Si atunci eu zambesc.

Nu o voi suna nici acum sa-i spun nimic. Desi am multe sa-i spun. Va voi spune voua ca mi-e dor de ea. Si voi astepta sa ne intalnim intamplator, si atunci ii voi spune ca imi place lumea mea. Si ea va zambi.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10696171/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10696171/ Sun, 12 Nov 2006 01:27:36 PST - people wake up crying, wishing they were dead
- if you ask for a raise, you are no longer elegible for a raise, but you won't get one unless you ask for it (kinda reminds me of catch 22)
- people buy gifts but forget to smile for the receiver of the gift
- people take 500 km long trips to get an envelope from point A to point B, and THEN, only THEN, they realize they could have just sent that by mail.
- Sunday morning means everybody yells at everybody
.....
.........
.............

No, i don't find it funny that the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had.

People keep running in circles. Their own, little, limited circles. Not looking at the other circles.

Just mad. So mad, even i don't get it anymore.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10568060/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10568060/ Tue, 31 Oct 2006 07:53:10 PST Ieri am vazut un om intr-o masina. Serios. Sobru. Cu gandul la datorie, la serviciu, la seful care cere prea mult de la el, la rata pe care trebuie sa o achite AZI, daca nu vrea sa plateasca si dobanda, la copiii care au nevoie de ghete de iarna, la sotia care iar o sa zica ca nu are timp de delicatese, ciorba ajunge.... cu gandul la toate astea, fara sa vada cealalata masina. Oare a simtit-o cand l-a lovit? Sau a ramas cu gandul pierdut in datorii si rate si dobanzi? Lumea isi dadea cu presupusul.... era vina lui... ba nu, a celuilalt... ce domle, n-ai vazut cum conducea? Pai cum sa fi condus, conducea foarte bine... Ei bine... se uita pe pereti... Lasa-ma cucoana-n pace, care pereti? Se uita la drum. Te uitai dumneata dupa mai stiu eu ce....Asistenta a coborat din ambulanta. A scos stetoscopul. L-a pus pe inima. A clatinat din cap. Eu am plecat. Nu vreau sa stiu ce a zis. Ce spunea clatinatura aceea. Nu vreau sa stiu ce s-a intamplat cu el. O sa inchid ochii, si o sa imi creez eu scena. El se ridica, multumeste frumos de atentie, si porneste pe jos catre casa. Isi saruta sotia, pe care o iubeste azi asa cum o iubea in prima zi. Isi strange copiii in brate, si le spune povesti cu zane si cu zmei, nu cu rate anuale si cu "sa inveti, sa ai bani, sa-ti cumperi ce vrei tu". Si isi aminteste sa traiasca. Asta e ce s-a intamplat, nu-i asa? Spuneti-mi ca e asa. Spuneti-mi ca nu se termina totul, intr-o clipa. Ca ai o a doua sansa. Si o treia. Atatea sanse de cate ai nevoie ca sa traiesti frumos.

Spuneam ca nu mai scriu jurnale personale. Ca dau prea mult din mine. Incepusem sa fac recomandari de lectura. Dar nu mai vad sensul. Nu o sa raspundeti multi la asta, stiu... e mult de citit. Nu e nimic amuzant. Nimic care sa permita cuiva sa faca o remarca sarcastica si spirituala. E doar nevoia mea de a ma intinde pe canapea si de a povesti. Si asta nu se "vinde". E un risc asumat. Aproape ca imi vine sa spun ca o sa-mi para rau daca nimeni nu o sa inteleaga. Dar... cum m-as putea simti mai rau decat atat? Mai rau decat sa ma intreb de ce cei pe care-i iubesc nu sunt langa mine, si sa vad in fata ochilor doar imaginea lor intinsi pe trotuar... mai rau decat sa ma intreb daca si pe cine o sa revad...

Daca ati rezistat pana aici, imi cer scuze... v-am facut sa cascati un pic, nu? Mai am o rugaminte. Absurda, ca tot ce fac. Si tocmai de-aia e atat de vital pentru mine sa v-o adresez. VA ROG... aveti grija de voi. Nu va lasati calcati de masini, nu va lasati jefuiti pe strada, nu va lasati ucisi de rutina. Pentru ca am ochii obositi, si nu stiu cum ar mai suporta o alta lacrima.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10493088/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10493088/ Mon, 23 Oct 2006 23:33:03 PDT (prietenii stiu de ce ). All gone now (hopefully), back to work, back to yawning, back to waking up waaaaaaay too early and going to bed waaaaaay to late.
And back to reading (and back to being a geek)

This week's most wanted author is... as the title says... the one... the only... the magnificent... James Finn Garner.
Why is he so magnificent? Because he writes fairy-tales
Well... not quite. He does write fairy-tales. Only a little different. His Little Red-Riding-Hood is very self-confident and totally aware of her sexuality, Cinderella does not fall in love with her prince, and does not need him at all, the emperor is quite happy in his new clothes and rumpelstilskin is wearing name tags.
Political Correctness taken to extremes. That's what his works are all about. He satirizes the world that refuses to differentiate between sexes, heights, colors etc...

But don't take my word for it.. just see for yourself:

[There] lived a family of bears ... together anthropomorphically in a little cottage as a nuclear family. They were very sorry about this, of course, since the nuclear family has traditionally served to enslave womyn, instill a self-righteous moralism in its members, and imprint rigid notions of heterosexualist roles onto the next generation. [They named] their offspring the non-gender-specific "Baby."


That was about it from me. Enjoy

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10410547/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10410547/ Mon, 16 Oct 2006 09:42:37 PDT Will try not to spill my soul out in every single journal entry, devious or non devious. I will however still leave my personality in those entries.. 'cause I'm about to share my love for literature with anyone of you who cares to take a look at some fantastic writing.

And the first author that comes to mind is the incredible Edgar Allan Poe... he is THE author that creates an atmosphere... you have allmost no need for action, the feeling of terror is there, almost right from the very beginning. Not because horrible deeds are narrated.. just because he knows exactly which adjective to use and when, he knows which repetition will haunt you forever, which image will forever stay in your mind as a constant reminder that the most terrifying thing in the world is the loss of one's common sense and reason.

The Fall of the House of Usher, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders in the Rue Morgue, The Purloined Letter are just the first titles that come to mind. Short stories, they are bound to stay in your memory for a very long time.

The same as the mournful refrain, Nevermore, will never stop haunting you.

Give it a try. You never know untill you read it, do you?

_{"TRUE! - nervous - very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses - not destroyed - not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily - how calmly I can tell you the whole story."}
This is how one of the stories begins. Find out how it ends

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10345540/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10345540/ Tue, 10 Oct 2006 08:56:17 PDT Plus de centre tout m'est égal

Al cui e sangele asta? Ea vrea sa muste din eternitate. Oare am muscat si eu? Sau mai am pe undeva un pic, un pic de tot de forta sa vad paharul ala pe jumatate plin? Degeaba, tot cu fiere e plin, nu cu pepsi. Eh... aiurea. E suc de lamaie.. plin de vitamina C. Trece orice raceala. Garantat. C'est une belle journée je vais me coucher une si belle journée qui s'achève.... Ahum. A fost si soare azi. Asa mi-au zis.
Je n'ai trouvé de repos que dans l'indifférence. Asta de unde s-o cumpara? Sa dau anunt la mica publicitate? Cumpar indiferenta. Dau pe ea... ete na... nu dau nimic. Am dat clipe pretioase, altele nu mai dau.
Je sers à rien du tout. Nici macar... nu, nici macar. Acum ceva vreme eram buna de vorba. Puteam sa ascult, si puteam sa raspund. Acum fac la fel... as face la fel. Dar daca nu-mi vorbeste nimeni, cui sa-i raspund? Oricum, nu cred ca mai am raspunsuri. Au expirat.
Expir, inspir, respir, transpir, nu, nu transpir, mi-e frig. cat? 39? e.. de la ceai. ala m-a incalzit. nu ma nu, nu iau nici un paracetamol. da' ma lasi? nici aspirina. bine.. lamaie da. je suis d'une generation desenchantee. Ce misto suna.. parca zici desirat. Stii puloverul ala lung si larg, tii minte cum ea il desira, ca nu-i placea cum statea pe el... si croseta din nou... si iar desira, si iar croseta... pana a iesit perfect. Si seara cosea. si eu adormeam cu capul pe masina de cusut, ascultand-o cum canta. Nu mai tii minte cum canta, nu? Eu tin. Canta incet. Si trist. Isi canta viata. Si eu adormeam. Si visam... nu mai stiu ce visam. Dar ma trezeam in bratele ei. Si ea mirosea a levantica. Si uneori a supa de rosii. Cand mirosea a levantica, o rugam sa-mi spuna o poveste. Cand mirosea a supa de rosii, nu o mai rugam nimic. Asteptam, stiam ce urmeaza.
Mai stii cum isi aranja parul? Nu ai fost atent, nu? Isi dadea o suvita dupa ureche. Si arunca o privire fugara in oglinda. Oare de ce nu se uita de-a dreptul? Poate nu se mai recunostea. Poate se vedea si ea, asa cum ma vad eu acum, o copila gata sa iasa la joaca. Si nenorocita aia de oglinda ii punea riduri pe fata. Si ii albea parul.
L'âme-stram-gram pique et pique et colégram, bourre et bourre et ratatam, l ' âme-stram-gram , pique dame, l ' âme-stram-gram , pique-moi dans l'âme, bourrée bourrée de nœuds mâles, l ' âme-stram-gram pique dames.. Ma ascundeam de ea. Ea stia unde sunt. Dar se punea la perete. si numara.... apoi ma cauta acolo unde sigur nu eram. Si eu castigam. apoi era randul ei sa se ascunda... si eu o gaseam. De fapt nu am gasit-o niciodata. Poate doar atunci cand am pierdut-o. Cam atunci m-am gasit si pe mine. Sau pe ea in mine. Cine mai stie? Zic ca am ochii ei. Asa o fi. Dac-as putea sa iau ceva de la ea, ar fi.. cam tot. Sau nu, nu tot. As vrea doar ceva-ul ala care ma facea sa ma uit la ea si sa uit ca afara ploua... sa uit ca ma doare, sa uit ca el nu stie ca eu exist.. ceva-ul ala care.. care era ea.. ceva-ul ala care s-a pierdut... ceva-ul ala de care mi-e dor.. ceva-ul ala... ceva-ul..

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10268968/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10268968/ Tue, 03 Oct 2006 08:42:31 PDT

Stole this from

I swear it was all random. A little too random maybe

1. HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
DJ Tiesto – Touch me

2. WILL YOU GET FAR IN LIFE?
Gotan Project - Epoca

3. HOW DO FRIENDS SEE YOU?
My Dying Bride – Under your wings and into your arms

4. WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
Queen – Las Palabras de Amor

5. WHAT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND'S THEME SONG?
Roy Orbison – Oh, Pretty Woman

6. WHAT IS THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE?
Cristina D’Avena – Magica Emi

7. WHAT IS HIGH SCHOOL LIKE?
My Dying Bride – Turn Loose the Swans

8. HOW CAN YOU GET AHEAD IN LIFE?
Queen – The March of the Black Queen

9. WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?
Queen – Funny How Love Is

10.WHAT IS IN STORE FOR THIS WEEK-END?
Lauryn Hill & Bob Marley – Turn Your Lights Down Low

11.WHAT SONG DESCRIBES YOU?
Jovanotti – L’ombelico del mondo

12.TO DESCRIBE YOUR GRANDPARENTS?
The Streets – Same Old Thing

13.HOW IS YOUR LIFE GOING?
Tiamat – Wings of Heaven

14.WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Jovanotti – Io ti cerchero

15.HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE YOU?
Queen – Stone Old Crazy

16.WILL YOU HAVE A HAPPY LIFE?
Belinda Carlisle – La Luna

17.WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS REALLY THINK ABOUT YOU?
The Sundays – Wild Horses

18.DO FRIENDS SCRETELY LUST AFTER YOU?
Queen – Get Down, Make Love

19.HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?
My Dying Bride – The Cry of Mankind

20.WHAT SHOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE?
Zero Assoluto – Mezz’ora

21.WILL YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
Coldplay – Live Forever (Oasis cover)

Don't know how to comment on all that... just that.. am i really "Stone Old Crazy"?

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10212249/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10212249/ Thu, 28 Sep 2006 07:40:56 PDT Lost Journal: pressed "delete" instead of "edit"
Lost Smile: Talked to 4, yes 4 stupid persons.
Lost Time: ... talking to those 4 stupid persons.

Reason I wanted to edit my previous, now non-existing, journal: to brag about finding yet another artist I love. Emiliana Torrini. And since I'm in the neighbourhood of Emiliana Torrini... here's what I love about her:

But if you stay
I'll make you a night
Like no night has been
Or will be again
I'll sail on your smile
I'll ride on your touch
I'll talk to your eyes
That I love so much

But if you go
I won't cry
Though the good is gone
From the word goodbye

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10178335/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10178335/ Mon, 25 Sep 2006 01:31:09 PDT One year ago I was sad. So incredibly sad. I just wanted to get over with all of it. And I found dA. It gave me a reason to wake up the next day. There were so many artists to discover, so many journals to read, so many lives to get a glimpse of. It was like being surrounded by a million friends all of a sudden, and trying to get to know each of them.
The second person who added me to his devwatch became a very important person in my life. Actually he changed my life completely. Helped me realize what i've got. Helped me get more from life than I had ever hoped for.
Thank you,

Then I met the rest of you. 109 of you. And I appreciated each of you, for the work you are doing. For the feelings you share. For the passion you put into everything you are doing. For the passion you put into living.
I've read your journals. I felt your pain, your sorrow, your anger, your rage. I felt your joy, your enthusiasm. I felt happy for you when you fell in love. I fell in love. Not with one person. With one style of life. Yours. The style of life that states that life is to be lived, not watched from the point of view of a passenger going by.

If I were to say what changes have come about this year, I'd surely have to say I grew down. That means I became a child once more. I started playing. I remembered how good it was to hug somebody. How great it is to give your heart, without expecting anything in return.

Not everything was great. Heartaches and heartbreaks, they are always there, a constant reminder that we are alive. But all in all... it was a great year.

Thanks to you guys:

I was going to write all of your names here, but it would take forever. And I would rather go out and feel the rain on my nose.

Suffice it to say, I am truly grateful.

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10150099/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10150099/ Fri, 22 Sep 2006 07:28:24 PDT
A ce silence, j'aurais préféré la violence
Des cris des pleurs pour moins de douleur
Ton indifférence m'est la pire des souffrances.

Find it. Listen to it. Think about it. And don't stop communicating. Not even whe you're tired. Not when you're busy. Not when you are upset. Talk to her/ him. Talk to me. Not necessarily with words. You can do it with your eyes, or with your hands, or with your cameras, with your pencils... I don't care how... just do it. Please.

<sub>Merg un pic pana la munte. Cred. Daca nu ploua PREA tare.
Am jucarie noua. Cine nu stie inca.. o sa afle in curand, sper.

*off to pack my bags*

Edit: sunt indragostita. si o sa fiu si maine. asa cum am fost si ieri. nu mai mult, ca nu se poate</sub> ]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10107927/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10107927/ Mon, 18 Sep 2006 03:56:13 PDT Am avut asa:

• una bucata speranta facuta bucatele mici. (sper ca reusesc sa adun cateva firimituri)
  
• una bucata drum pana in coltul opus al orasului, pentru a primi un fax, fara a avea toner in aparat. Makes sense, doesn't it?
  
• una bucata amenda.
  
• una bucata durere de cap de clasa I.
  
• patru bucati neamuri fericite sa ne vada.
  
• una bucata catzel care dadea din coada
  
• 3 bucati mici
  
• una bucata pastrama de oaie
  
• una bucata bulz
  
• una sticla bere
  
• una bucata acadea
  
• una bucata turta dulce
  
• una (sau mai multe, era dupa bere ) bucata (bucati) ras necontrolat cu una bucata var si una bucata matusa.
  
• una bucata tremurat
  
• multe bucati mese. MULTE am zis? hmmm... bagati un "foarte" in fata (nu, nu m-am ingrasat. BA NU mai, nu de-aia evit cantarul!)
  
• multe multe multe bucati sfaturi din categoria: "cum sa te comporti cu aia care nu se prind ca-s prosti"
  
• una bucata telefon la 9 seara, sambata, de la.. sefu'
  
• una bucata plimbare pe un pod subred... nu mai vreau. deci NU!!
  
• una, doua, trei sau patru, poate cinci ore de privit lumea de sus
  
• una bucata baie involuntara in rau
  
• multe bucati alune culese... + coarne, + prune.. +nuci + porumb (don't ask )
  
• una bucata descoperire: imi place pateul de ton
  
• una bucata jeansi intrati la.. rau
  
• alta bucata gratar, acum in curtea proprie (proprie altora, nu mie.. dar whatever)
  
• una bucata lapte cu sirop de menta. (TREBUIE sa incercati )
  
• una bucata vanataie.. uite inca una.. ooops.. 3... *corecteaza*: multe bucati vanatai. (m-a batut mishuuuuu )
  
• varfuri tocite .. no more
  
  TOTAL: pai.. ummm.. sa vedem.. PREA PUTIN. A SE REPETA


Si va multumesc. Mult

]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10078169/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10078169/ Fri, 15 Sep 2006 07:50:16 PDT zboara timpul? Nu cum ti se pare atunci cand esti indragostit si viata e roz, si clipele cu EA / EL sunt mult, mult prea scurte. Ala e un zbor placut. Nu la asta ma refer, ci la zborul ala nesuferit, cand ai 234546 de lucruri de facut, in vreo 24 ore, si STII ca nu poti sa le faci pe toate, dar stii si ca nu potisa NU le faci... asa ca te imparti in bucatele mici mici mici si te rogi sa ai destula putere in fiecare bucatica sa faci tot ce trebuie. Si reusesti. Printr-un miracol. Sau printr-o serie de miracole. Reusesti. Faci tot. Toate cele 234546 de lucruri s-au rezolvat. Ba nu, au fost rezolvate. De catre tine. Man, u're good . Doar ca....
... Ei s-au prins ca tu poti sa rezolvi 234565 de lucruri in 24 de ore. Si trec peste partea cu multumirile... sar direct la partea in care iti dau 234566 de lucruri... ca unul in plus sau in minus nu o sa conteze, nu?

... deci stiti. Ati fost in situatia asta. Sigur ati fost, daca cititi jurnalul asta, sunteti din categoria celor care asta fac in fiecare zi. E obositor, nu? Ajungi sa visezi noaptea cum profa iti da lucrare, sau cum seful iti cere sa suni la nu stiu ce furnizor, sau cum prietenii iti reproseaza ca nu ai destul timp pentru ei... Si vrei o pauza. Doar ca in pauza ai ATAT de recuperat... incat nu reusesti sa te relaxezi. Esti incordat, vrei mai mult, mai repede, mai bine...

Un preambul cam mare. Ideea e asta: o sa am o pauza. De sambata de la pranz pana luni dimineata. Si bineinteles ca am planuri. Ca doar nu credea cineva ca o sa dorm

Planurile mele: Lunca Mare, jud Prahova. Mishu. Lili. Baraj. Apa care pute a sulf. (_{Cica e sanatoasa. Who cares? I'm not touching that} ) Si mai ales, Cascavea

Sigur ca o sa mai apara ceva care sa ne dea planurile peste cap. Dar nu am de gand sa ma dau batuta. NOOOOOOOO WAY

Asa ca va rog, ganditi-va un pic la mine, si transmiteti-mi ganduri pozitive... poate poate reusesc sa uit cateva ore ca timpul zboara

Va multumesc

Later edit: Pentru cei care au inceput scoala.... . Daca sunteti si a 12-a... _{O sa fie bine} ]]> ~ellutzab http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10036190/ http://ellutzab.deviantart.com/journal/10036190/ Mon, 11 Sep 2006 06:24:23 PDT You smiled. Not because they asked you to. Not because they wanted you to. Just because you felt like it.
And I smiled. Not because they asked me to. Not because they wanted me to. Just because I felt like it.
....
I'm happy. And proud. Proud of who I am, proud of who you are, proud of the people I love, proud of the people who love me. And happy (oh sooooooo happy) I was able to do it my way. Or our way. I just had to listen to it, to my heart.

Who said you can't have it all? You can, just as long as you know what to wish for. I wished for love.

_{si te caut, te caut mereu, dar te-ai pierdut in sufletul meu
si-ncerc sa m-apropii, dar este prea greu, sunt prizoniera-n sufletul tau}

[link] _{si ascultati intai primul cantec. Apoi pe al doilea. Si al treilea, si al patrulea... sau ma rog, in ce ordine vreti}

Multumesc ]]> ~ellutzab