http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:evilabnormalvamp&section=today deviantART RSS for by:evilabnormalvamp en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:33:01 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/26719177/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/26719177/ Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:53:00 PDT
]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/26674854/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/26674854/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:42:31 PDT
I want to write all my novels in 'he's and 'she's. Like in ONCE. Only thing is that would be so annoying that no one would ever read them hahaha what a terror.

Strange but necessary to my life contact in my phone: Polaroid, 40404, and Emerson. And ASPCA. Hahaha I am so fucking random. and so fucking gone.

Eddie and I are talking about booking a room in the Cape for a long weekend soon and I could not be more ecstatic about it. Maybe if it was with Dane. But man do I fucking miss Eddie like a nutcase. Like fucking Sadie G right here. I hope we do go.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/25985578/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/25985578/ Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:53:30 PDT Gall. is a new project inspired by the 'gaping hole'. Haha also known as I'm writing about my problem in fiction form without having any character study going on, so I really need to do that and figure out what's going on in this to-be novel [if I decide to care that much about it] besides the current. Honestly, I'm just so inspired by Tea, I already referenced it in a manner of three pages.

But overall I don't like the name Diana. I don't like the name Steve or Dave for this guy. I don't like naming my characters anymore because I need character study, they need identities and backgrounds and stories. This is just a piece where it feels silly to name them. So Diana and Dave for now, soon to be Steph and Jon, or Johanna and Rob. Hahaha who knows.

But overall it's helping when I write it so it'll stay. As for the other 'roject' I said I'd put up, I'm getting to it. I just need to get around to connecting my ancient external harddrive to my laptop.

Maybe I should get a new one?
Maybe I should get a Kindle?
Maybe Emerson should contact me and tell me what I need to do about orientation [fall or winter? September or January?]
Maybe I should stop stressing and stop dreading and just do.
Maybe I should just go.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/25840823/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/25840823/ Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:18:32 PDT
Maybe someday I'll get around to attempting to be the next David Foster Wallace.



Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaaa if only my IGNOBLE SUBJECTS document had some promise.

I want pancakes?

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/24549854/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/24549854/ Sat, 02 May 2009 14:33:05 PDT
"Why though?"

"Because I raised you better than that."






believe believe.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/24294755/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/24294755/ Fri, 17 Apr 2009 17:02:14 PDT
Ben Giovangelo, your smile is exuberant and in my heart forever. We are all aching for you right now and can find solace in nothing. We'll never know why you did this to yourself, or to your family. All we can do is hope that you are more content now than you were in life, and that eventually we all stop crying and start feeling like anything is worth it again.

My stage of grief: shock, disbelief, lack of worth, guilt.

4.10.1991 - 4.16.2009

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/24135072/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/24135072/ Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:28:57 PDT
we'll see.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/22197918/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/22197918/ Thu, 25 Dec 2008 19:12:19 PST
I'm very excited about it.

I finished my self portrait in art. I'm very excited about it.

I've started my independent. I'm very excited about it.

I'm writing poetry. Very excited.



A Merry Christmas orgasm to you allllll my chickadees.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/16792227/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/16792227/ Fri, 08 Feb 2008 21:28:09 PST
]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/13927237/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/13927237/ Sun, 29 Jul 2007 12:40:11 PDT I don't know what's going on tonight.
I want to go home but we could end up doing that in the morning
like last week.

I just want to sulk in my own bed, you know?
That seems to go better.

I used to be such a writer.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/12572282/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/12572282/ Thu, 12 Apr 2007 19:43:12 PDT I had a habit of dying
I think she gave me something to live for
I guess I helped her pass the time

And I had a vision of seeing things straight
She had the heart of a liar
I never saw her leave me once
She never felt me beside her

It's cruel but she's got a good hold on me

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/12558524/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/12558524/ Wed, 11 Apr 2007 19:15:22 PDT in homework.
there is no point
in relationships with people.
there is no point trying to tell someone
that they cannot replace himheritthem.

you cannot replace people. people are people and you cannot replace people.
you will never be to me what she/she/she was.
I had you both and now that they're completely gone and everything's different, everything's different.
this is how it is, this is how I am.

I mean
nothing
to you. you do not need me
don't care about me
scrutinize everything I do
and am.
I do not matter to your everyday.
I hate myself
my life is going nowhere
there is no point in trying

it all leads to End.
Death.
why do we prolong small agonies just to die?
your life is over the second you know
you are going to die.

you are going to die, I am going to die,
why should I stick around for the process
of elimination?
the low grades?
the rejection letters?
your fucking face in the hall smiling?

I want to fucking rip out everything you love
so you fucking understand
you awful vindictive people
and nothing is working and it won't,
there is no therapy for the damned
no words you can say because I do not believe
anything you have to say.
I care too fucking much about you

and I can't fucking listen to the silence anymore
I can't deal with no one needing me and no one caring
how much I fucking need them.

I fucking hate
hate
hate
hate
hate
all but one. two. three.
I hate you three and I hate your stupid fucking pictures

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/12355055/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/12355055/ Tue, 27 Mar 2007 19:37:49 PDT in every sense of every syllable,
I am the ignored society
at it’s very, very best.
Just because there’s one of me
doesn’t make me mute.
I’m a self-made piece of eurotrash –
left un-capitalized by false niceties
and an overabundances of
hyphens-dashes-dottedlines -
personal definitions/aspirations.
Longitude and latitude don’t come into play
in my definition.
I am an Atheist,
not an Existentialist, but close and admiring,
so I must sacrifice puppies
and blindly suffer through my life
just to go
straight to hell
[left un-capitalized by false niceties, etc.];
I have nothing to believe in
so I must be sarcastic,
sadistic, insensitive, silent.
Just because I’ve forgotten how to smile
doesn’t mean I have no one
who wants me to remember.
I am Depressed,
I am Female,
I am [obviously] Menstrual.
I don’t even have to go into this one,
or do I?
I am a Packrat
because I fall in love with objects,
old objects, vibrant in color;
fire-engine red water carriers,
teal blue gas lamps,
white stereo headphones and
mint green typewriters –
anything truly beautiful and
so not in my reality.
Just because I’m in the wrong decade
doesn’t mean I’m not ahead.
I am a Poet,
a crafter of words and complex
sentence equations.
An Editor, an aspiring Publisher –
a Wordsmith, a Music-smith –
I am Jailbait and a Figment
of your imagination.
Just because I’m your spawn
does not mean I’ll ever let myself
be anything like You.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11486330/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11486330/ Thu, 18 Jan 2007 18:59:09 PST I'd never let you touch her.

I hate that she exists to you.




endd.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11471897/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11471897/ Wed, 17 Jan 2007 15:00:16 PST You've grown up really crazy..
Have I been too denying of you?



My teeth hurt. They had to replace a bracket and Rosa likes to lean all her body weight on each individual sore tooth.



g-Golly Sandra!
You've grown up so crazy,
Have I been too untrusting?



Slept it off because that was ow. How do you miss two calls when your cell phone's in your hand?



Well I guess I have should have been around to sing you to sleep
You look so beautiful...
It hurts me slightly



I don't know what today was. I feel horrible I had to leave you in math.



Oh, you my scar,
and that's not really far.
Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11354244/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11354244/ Sun, 07 Jan 2007 19:02:06 PST When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry

_{i love you}

I shall never grow up
Make-believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

We were walking there
_{I was just wishing you were here}
I had tangles in my hair
_{So we could walk down with to me}
But you make me feel so pretty
_{And we could throw all our leaves}
You have shinning eyes
_{Seeing our dragon when we look}
Yes, like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry

_{i love you}

I shall never grow up
Make-believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

I shall never grow up
Make-believe is much to fun
This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me very happy
Lets go far away to the humming meadow?

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11334318/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11334318/ Sat, 06 Jan 2007 08:06:32 PST

I find myself incapable lately of understanding the reemings of other people and it pisses me off. I like listening to people, I like hearing about how they think and how they process things because unlike most people 'trying to find themselves' or 'define themselves' I know who I am. I know what people are, and I know people can never be grouped. I know there is not a single person who can ever compare to another and I know the amounts of variables there are in humans and in human nature.

It seems that no one else does.

Maybe it's cocky to say that I understand something so overwhelming. Mostly I understand that it's overwhleming. I wish people understood about people and that they can't understand them.

You can listen to my music and you can read all my ramblings and you can talk to everyone who has ever spoken to me and you will never know everything about me, nor I you. I will never know enough about all of you to quit on all of you as a whole, like some of you. Like all of you.

I know there is no fairness; people will always be just how they are and nothing can be done about it. How people will treat you and what they think about it isn't something that can be planned or predicted. When someone says they'd never hurt you you cannot believe it; it's not necessary to quit on them altogether and go into some depression about how you can't trust anything anybody says (even though you can't, it doesn't matter who) but the best way to exist with another person is just to exist with them, no expectations, no hidden agendas.

People need to learn to talk to each other. We need to set ourselves aside and sit there and take it. I make Casali tell me what's wrong and I get upset with him if he doesn't; I don't force him to say anything but I make it known that I'm unconditional. He tells me he's not used to that and I tell him I know.

I know because I've never met anyone unconditional; Eddie and I talked about it once, about how we'd like to clone ourselves because we've always wondered what it would be like to be our friend. Because I'm unconditional; I care that little about myself and that much about the rest of the people I know; I've never known anyone like me and it sucks to say I wish I did. I don't like who I am because I think I could do better, but lately I've been thinking maybe I can't. And maybe that's okay.

Mama (Mrs. Casali) was leaving as Nick and I arrived at his place yesterday; she had to take his grandmother who lives in the side apartment grocery shopping. His dad was at the dentist. She trusted us alone in the house because she trusts my judgment and that's a first from her. It was overwhelming. And when we got inside the guilt absolutely consumed me; I don't ever remember being more uncomfortable with myself. My stomach was in absolute apocolypse and I was unresponsive. Then Phil called and came over and we had a blast and Mama came home and I was fine the rest of the night. We are impressionable; we do what is expected of us. When we act out it's expected by someone that we disobey; when we're given limits and we respect them it's expected that the guilt was going to have a nice effect.

I'm losing my train of thought. I don't want novel responses. It frustrates me that life is this huge journey to learn what I have been in the process of figuring out since seventh grade.

It frustrates me that no one listens. And that I'm right.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11261094/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11261094/ Sun, 31 Dec 2006 16:03:16 PST Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again?
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade...
Away... again...
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
_{Guess I'll let it go}

- Brett Scallions, FUEL.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11248527/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11248527/ Sat, 30 Dec 2006 18:02:52 PST August 26th, 2006:

"So let's talk about age, sex, and location.
All of the above or so irrelevant it drives me crazy.
Well, except location.

Your location is absolutely everything in life. Location in position of importance in your job, education, home, etc. Location in closeness to another person, yourself, where you want or need to be.

And location is just so frustrating because any way you look at it, it's distance. And distance is destructive. Any way you look at it.

I'm afraid of a lot of things; hospitals, sacred things, scary movies, people, basically anything and everything nameable. But it wasn't until about a week ago that I realized exactly how petrified I am of distance.

We built a tree house yesterday. I enjoyed working on it, but there were a couple moments that made my eyes water, like when they called me up to prop the first wall into place and they were so excited with the hour of progress since I'd arrived and I liked working with my hands and being Rick's apprentice but all the same their excitement wasn't mine. And I felt that distance and it was just another layer of that heavy sadness weighing down on whatever the hell it is that makes us all so aware of it's presence and so relieved of it's absence.

Then Scott commented, like everyone else has been doing as of late, that I "sure have a lot of love's." And it was just sad because up until then it had only been an issue with my close friends and I, but now my close friends' parents were getting sucked into such a ridiculous equation, and the heaviness just layered and layered.

I think if one more person is aware of that to the point of mentioning, I just may explode. Or implode, all the same."



"_{Don't turn away, I pray you've heard he words I've spoken. Dare to believe, oh for one last time, and then I'll let the Darkness Cover Me - deny everything; slowly walk away to breathe again on my own. Carry me away - I need your strength to get me through this. Dare to believe, oh, for one last time and then I'll let the Darkness Cover Me, deny everything - slowly walk away to breathe agan on my own.}"

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11198258/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11198258/ Tue, 26 Dec 2006 08:34:50 PST Omigod.

Anyone who doesn't believe in Santa Claus is near-sighted.

I believe in Santa Claus. I believe he is the guilt that makes parents purchase dozens of gifts for their otherwise ungrateful children. I believe he's the weather white or green. I believe he's the month of December and every flourescent light that's ever been lit.

I've never believed in a Christmas Spirit; I believe this time of year is only 'happy' and stressful because of the commercialism, and Santa of course, who reminds everyone once a year that is they don't give they'll be seen by all society as a heartless politician. "Thank you, Santa, for emptying my wallet and putting me in debt. <3"

I'm glad my parents aren't heartless politicians. <333

I do not deserve the holy mightiness of this camera.
I will never live up to the quality and mightiness of this camera.

You better believe that if I ever stop taking practice shots and break out the manual to hunt down how to change the shooting resolution that I will be unstoppable and the world will bow. the fuck. down.

I got some DVDs, too - Devil Wears Prada, baby! Haven't watched yet, but I'm getting there. And literally 195$ to the Natick Mall, so we're doing that today.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11130935/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11130935/ Wed, 20 Dec 2006 18:16:22 PST ashtons_vampire

I like this whole quote-thing pre-journal.

I actually looked through the yearbook today from last year, when we were freshman. I got it from Erving after this whole mess of whether I did or didn't pay, shoved it on my shelf and tada. I think I hate all those seniors who wrote nothing; no quote, no little tidbits, wtf. Ryan doesn't even have a picture, he has nothing. He's going to disappear from his highschool existence as though it never even happened.

Was it that bad? Would you want to lay it on the line and have no one remember you?

I think I know what I want my quote to be, and it's not the one up there: "If you delete the adjectives, only facts remain."

although I'm sure if I give it a year I'll find some way to contradict it.

I'm really sick of being compared to people for what I do or do not do. That's stupid. If he says one thing don't compare what I say to it, man, that's just fucking stupid; we're differently people and even with similar ambitions we're never going to mean the same thing. I don't enjoy fighting with you.

People who can't accept that other people's opinions don't matter make me sick. So what if I don't like it. So what if I don't like any of it. I spoke out once and you lost it so fuck it, I told you, I'm done talking. And don't beg me at four in the morning, okay, because I'm sick of it and I'm done with it. The next time someone asks me for an opinion, asks me what's on my mind or what's going on, I'm going to shut down.

"It looks nice. I'm fine. It's cool. I'm over it. Forget it."

I hate our freakish human nature of losing our fucking minds when someone does something out of the oridinary to do you a favor. Ridiculous.

I love how we can tell people we love them and still completely fucking pretend like they mean nothing, that they are nothing and will never be nothing and aren't worth a five second reply, good or bad, out of the three hours a day we spend on deviantART.com dicking around and avoiding that last comment, that last infinite fucking comment to make things better again.

So, just fuck it, alright? I'm back to agreeing with every goddamn thing you say so as to avoid confrontation. I'm back to not commenting on anything so you don't think I'm an ungrateful bitch. I'm sorry I stepped out of line and said something for myself for once and I'll never do it again.




i got razorblade lips i'm gonna kiss some wrists.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11081120/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11081120/ Sat, 16 Dec 2006 07:24:30 PST
"Adria and Kyle would never come to Micky's house.
And especially not if Nick is there.
And Nick wouldn't even consider going if Adria was there.
and Billy would feel just a little out of place.
The reason things aren't still going on like this is because of me, Max, and I'm sorry.
Apparently I'm very good at ruining very good things. "

Yesterday was okay, I took the bus and it was cold. I was still late for homeroom, and I didn't have my english homework done but that was okay because Morris didn't check it anyway, then Study and Double Art and we got the VHS posters done and one's already missing, and I kind of have my thesis for Regan and Vanessa and I went to AC Moore and got most of our project done and sang Nickelback. She had to leave so I had to leave and I went home and ate and grabbed money and then Nick and Phil picked me up and we went to see Charlotte's Web.

This guy TJ was flirting with Nick wicked a lot and I found it too amusing to defend his masculinity and be all over him, so Phil and I giggled to the side. I cried at the movie, obviously. It was sad, but ended happily. And I'm just sitting there crying between my boys and then we left. They were hungry so we went to Chilis and both Chris Davis and Mike Gio were there. Gio works there. I avoided eye contact, but apparently Nick knows both of them pretty well so they chatted. The boys ate and I got a soda so they wouldn't reprimand me and we actually talked and laughed and Phil accidently threw something at the people behind us and they didn't notice.

We walked up and down the plaza because it was just about ten and my curfew was eleven, but Phil had to get home. We went to Linens and Things and goofed off and played with the massagers, and some lady gave Phil a coupon for the book he got Nigel for Christmas. We walked back and got in the car and drove to Cumby's, where I proceeded to pay for whatever we got because I insisted. I hate being the girl. Sometimes.

They drove me home and I hopped online and I don't know what happened or what I did but I went in my room at eleven and put in a mix and hopped in the shower and just lost it.

I revelled in every bad decision I had ever made and added a new one to the list. I'll deal with the consequences later, that's what I always tell myself, and I always, always get them in one way or another. Imperfections in my skin rule my life and it's just stupid. It's my body. I'll abuse it as I like.

But I understand how people don't want to see them and so I have gloves. Yaye gloves.

No matter how many times it gets me in trouble, it's just who I've become. You don't shut off who you are for the courtesy of the general public, or I don't at least. I just keep regressing back. I have been better, but at the same time there's just that one thing in the back of my mind that I know I'm ruining and as a consolation I'm ruining myself.

To... make myself less appealing? I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's these frigging Dave Melillo songs or something. Or maybe I just like it. It sucks and it hurts and I totally love it.

Today I'm going to Phil's around 11 and going to Vanessa's 3-4:30 to finish the project. Then to Pete's to do some Gingerbread house mabober with some people I've been missing lately. and I don't really want to go there, or to the party tonight, because I haven't been around physically or mentally and they've formed around me. And they'll deny it or they won't, it's unpredictable. But I've lost my intimacy with everyone, really. The sense of closeness is just gone. Physical position has never had anything to do with it.

I feel nothing when he kisses me. It's not the same.
I'm so unfair to him. Everyone is so unfair to him.

No one knows him and he doesn't let anyone know him and people take that and grind it up and when I tell them stories they call me a liar. I don't know why I'm the only who's allowed to see. I don't know why I'm the one they're looking at. I don't know why I do it.

I wish other people knew him.
Maybe then he'd get that he could do so much better.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11027666/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11027666/ Mon, 11 Dec 2006 11:46:59 PST
Happy 2006.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11008084/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/11008084/ Sat, 09 Dec 2006 16:16:01 PST
I'm a little out of it. Comfortable, but out of it. They call them 'mood swings' I believe.

i've tried writing a journal like twenty times today but it's just pointless and tiresome.

Maybe another movie will do it.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10979759/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10979759/ Thu, 07 Dec 2006 04:19:46 PST
I think my reply to that comment was the first time I've ever disagreed/been surly with a commenter stopping by for the first time. I can't say I laid into her exactly, but I did tell her she was obnoxious and naive.

Yesterday was not fun, yesterday didn't have to happen, I have never been so embarrassed and frightened in my life.

Jackson started talking to me about how four years ago, when I was twelve, I was a completely different person, and that in four more years when I'm 20 I'll be different still, and I nodded in agreement because I didn't know what else to do.

When I finally got home I was on the phone until 9:30. The last call was from an old friend, probably someone who knew me better than anyone at the time and in a way still does because he's one of the few that has seen the absolute worst in me. And... the way he said, "What did you do?" was exactly the same as it was four years ago. Same disdain and worry, same frustration and annoyed scoff ending the phrase. I knew then that I am exactly the same person. And I'm still a mess. "You're not okay. You're a mess."

And that goddamn nurse has seen more of me than any of my ex's. And I could freely change in front of one of them.

I don't really want to go to school today and face everybody seeing as somehow everyone knows about it, but all the same I can't just hide from it. Not coming in today would start rumors about how I was like, suspended or thrown in jail or sent away or something.

So I did my hair and make-up and my back pack's packed, woohoo.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10831274/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10831274/ Fri, 24 Nov 2006 06:49:52 PST and bitches about the sad ones!

Hollywood doesn't sell smiles anymore!

They just don't rake in the dough!

I finally understand!

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10803657/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10803657/ Tue, 21 Nov 2006 18:33:29 PST i can feel the wind under my skin
(cellar doors, said i'd sell her, sell her doors)
(sell her doors, said i'd sell her cellar doors)
you've got 28 days to figure me out,
doctor, this is one game you'll never win
(dont wanna sell her doors, stick it to me, teacher!)
(show me the cellar door, show it to me doctor!)
fear is nothing but God's way of
telling you he really doesn't care if you sin

(cellar doors, said i'd sell her, sell her doors)
(sell her doors, said i'd sell her cellar doors)


father
tell mother
my eyes are still burning
'cuz my ticket to heaven just now
put a texas hole in that hell on earth you call a home!

it feels good to know the weight of the world
is light enough for the palm of my hand
is it me? or am i stronger than yesterday's hero?
take it, take it, take it from me

it feels good to know the weight of the world
is light enough for the palm of my hand
is it me? or am i stronger than yesterday's hero?
take it, take it, take it from me

hope falls
late night calls
this is the last thing left to do
bumper relays on freeways
i'll run the rest of the way to
your bedroom
and our doom
your lips have never looked this red
so kiss me
or kill me
mascara stains our last night's bed
mascara stains our last night's bed
mascara stains our last night's bed

_{would you mind stripping off your} rabbit suit??
_{bad habits, too!
it's all i need to breathe! breathe!
cuz} frankly, frank,
_{I would mind taking up a chance or two
on someone other than you
who's good enough for me!}

(i've got 8 doorknobs for 7 doors)
(i'm still 6 feet deep still 5 foot 4)
(and there were three words you forgot to say)
(but its never too late)
you're just a two step away

and now i'm one step closer to death

so tell frank not to take the corner too sharp
cuz i dont wanna have to cheat the death chart

28 days, 6 whole hours
give me 42 minutes

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10775212/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10775212/ Sun, 19 Nov 2006 08:31:21 PST
]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10635415/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10635415/ Mon, 06 Nov 2006 11:13:25 PST springtimeM
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town

When every Thursday I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.

God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what I always hated
When I was with you then

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside

And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer than anyone would ever get

Do you remember the JAMC?
And reading aloud from magazines
I don't know about you but I swear on my name they could smell it on me
I've never been too good with secrets.
No...

And together there
In a shroud of frost and mountain air
Began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer...

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10459240/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10459240/ Fri, 20 Oct 2006 18:59:31 PDT
Phil said something interesting to me yesterday. He said he's feeling detatched from everybody and distant and unneeded. And he said, 'I know everyone thinks of me as the unconditional kid who will always be around, but...'

And something clicked in me. I did think of Phil that way. I've been pushing him away and holding him back because I figure I'll always have time to fill him in later when I get it all together. I thought he was unconditional, like I am. He's devoted, but he's human. It's hard to find someone who will stick around for nothing in return.

And that's what I'm doing with Haley and Kyle, and Hannah for the most part. and I'll name the names because I know they all know it and if they don't they're a little preoccupied with everything else. Funerals and births and injuries and friends.

I sent Haley another note the other day. She let it sit in her inbox for two days and then deleted it. That's the thing about dA - it let's you know when it hasn't been opened, but it doesn't tell you if it's been read or simply just deleted. Such a flaw has been a morale downfall for me, indefinately. I hate not getting responses.

For a while I was writing her notes everyday, like, for a week or two and eventually I stopped and just wrote when I had a story to tell or memory to recall. I don't know if she's read any of them. It just really hurts, mostly because all I did was need her.

I am concious that I've asked a lot of people. I could try a little harder to get better. I guess the fact that I'm dropping people like flies could be a good motivator, but really it's just something else to dwell on. People gain personalities in high school. There isn't a center of gravity.

I'm on a new medication - Wellbutrin. Third of the year, so we'll see if this one does any better. And I'm getting another therapist, so we'll see how that goes. And PSAT's are tomorrow, so we'll see how bad that is.

I lost all the strength in my left arm. Everytime I try to like, lean on it like on a table or something it gives out and starts shaking really badly. in IPEC today we had to swing on a rope from one end to another and I was only holding on with my right arm because my left arm gave up when I got on. It's a little ridiculous. Even now as I type it's just shaking wicked badly.

The dizzy spells have stopped, which is good, and my hair isn't graying anymore. I'm getting an ultrasound November 6th because something's going on in there and Luloff doesn't like it. My doctor is a wicked cool guy; you will never hear a man say 'sexual intercourse' in a better way ever. And he asks like every five seconds until I ask if there's a test I can take to prove it. I guess that's the impression that I get for having three urinary tract infections of the year.

Truth be told I seriously have no idea what's up with the infections, but all I know is they're supposed to be excruciatingly painful and they truly don't bother me that much. My second on I had for about a month because I didn't want to bother my mum; she only found out by chance because some icky things happened anddddd Kablamo.

But according to Luloff the ultrasound is to make sure there aren't wrinkles in my bladder, ovaries, and stomach, and something about kidney stones and liver damage.

I am not a fan of this liver damage talk. Ultra sounds should stick to my cervix and stay away from my riblets, dammit.

Mmm. I haven't written an actual journal in months and months. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was stronger. [I wished I'd loved Jesus as much as my wife does.] You know,

There's a whole lotta singing that's never gonna be heard
disappearing everyday without so much of a word - how?
I think I broke the wings of that little songbird -
she's never gonna fly to the top of the world now -
to the top of the world.

One night they called me for supper but I never got up; I just stayed right there. In my chair.

Every 3:33 I catch I wish I were invisible, like a piece of wandering grass unseen and unnoticed so I could just listen to the world. People are so interesting. I want to know everyone and I want to hear how they think. I want to hear how they change. Because everybody's singing 'We just wanna be heard' - disappearing everyday without so much as a word.

And it'd be nice if someone out there wanted to meet me. At the top of the world, the top of the world.

I'm afraid to talk about myself, and Phil thinks that's his fault and that makes me mad. I am... ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10416135/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10416135/ Mon, 16 Oct 2006 18:39:48 PDT
I truthfully have no idea why I'm writing this. Something clever or not at all.

I gotta go take a shower.

and christ guys, I know you liked the hair better when it wasn't black. I get it, that's great, congrats, nothing I can fucking do about it. i get it i get it i get it.

I'm surrounded by pretentious whores, seriously. You have shown me what it means to be paranoid. Thank you Ms. McAllister, Ms. Wells, the etc., for showing me there is no such thing as a best friend.

Maria antoinette looks ridiculously good. I want to go see it with Eddie. I need a ride to Worchester.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10388803/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10388803/ Sat, 14 Oct 2006 09:24:05 PDT without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a girl bumps into your arm
while walking she wants
you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there





Live by it.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10302433/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10302433/ Fri, 06 Oct 2006 10:07:54 PDT
The doctor says I'm having panic attacks. I told her about, like, the symptoms and how it only happens at school whn I'm walking. Like, just in the school. At TADA, at Drama, going to classes. She says the dizzy spells are from making myself too nervous and they're just little panic attacks. Which I guess makes me feel a little better because I was starting to think my liver was shutting down and the sugar production was dying and I was becoming a diabetic or something. Which I could have handled, I guess, but I was still worried.

I guess it's a little odd to say I'm glad I'm just having panic attacks, though...

Anyway, that's enough of that. Here's the surveyblah.





SEVEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. See Tori Amos in concert
2. Write a book
3. Meet 90% of my online friends.
4. Learn how to play Piano.
5. Move to New York
6. Make millions.Have aaaaaa Bullmastiff, an English Mastiff, a Rotty, a Boxer, a German Shepard, and a Newfoundland. At the same time.
7. ... uhm... pay off all my debts?

SEVEN THINGS I CAN'T (OR WON'T) DO:
1. Smoke.
2. Do Drugs.
3. Give up.
4. Go into politics or the army or anything stupid for this country.
5. Support this country.
6. Have sex!
7. Kill someone.

SEVEN THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
1. For serious?
2. For cereal?
3. Fuck off.
4. I hate everything.
5. OMIGAWD EVERYBODY'S DEAD OMIGAWD!!
6. BOOSMS! NOW!
7. Sweetie.

SEVEN MOVIES I COULD (OR DO) WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:
1. Rent
2. Pirates of the Carribean
3. Hanging Up
4. The Nightmare Before Christmas
5. HP movies
6. The Birdcage
7. Chronicles of Narnia

SEVEN VIDEO GAMES THAT THE STORY JUST GRABS YOU:
1. ... MAAAAHRIO!!
2. Yoshi?
3. James Bondddd.
4. Thazzit.
5.
6.
7.

1.Do you like animals?
No. I hate them. So soft and fuzzy.

2. Have you ever met an online friend in person?
Yes. <3

3. Are you athletic?
Not in the least.

4.Are you: thin, fat, athletically built etc:
Fatalicious. But don't tell Casali that because that would be three times THIS WEEK and I'm allllllready in trouble XD Awww man.

5. How much do you weigh?
Too much.

6. What's your height?
Too short.

7. shoe size?
Small small 6 1/2-7

8. Girls- are you tomboyish, girly, normal, etc?
Girly.

9. Guys- are you girly or guyish?
Girly.

10. How old are you?
Too young.

11. When's your Birthday?
Marzo doce.

12. Do you like to recieve giftart?
Yes. I miss it, actually.

13. Are you sociable?
Very. Overly.

14. Do you have many friends?
Yes.

15. What's your race?
Fingernail.

16. Do you like to talk on the phone
Nope. I hate it. But I will.

17. Are you single or taken?
Single.

18. Do you eat meat?
Yesss but not for the next two days so I can overdose of buffalo and venison at the sammich fair

19. Are you paranoid?
Haha, serious as a heart attack.

20. Do you read a lot?
for VHS. For leisure, not anymore.

21. Do you listen to music, what kind?
Mostly everything. Mum wants me to be a music critic or columnist for Rolling Stone. Minor in Journalism anyone? Eh, why not.

22. Do you play an instrument?
Used to.

23. How long have you been drawing?
Off and on most of my life. Little improvement, I'm afraid. XD

24. What's the meaning of life?:
Death. ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10233939/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10233939/ Sat, 30 Sep 2006 07:34:06 PDT
I'm 45 pages into re-reading it for the first time in like, three months. And my god you never appreciate the little things until they're so far gone. And you don't even wear the hemp anymore. And I was psyched you didn't have a word yesterday, and yet still so. far. down.

You always smelt like clean hair and hemp and I never thought I'd find a better smell than gasoline, but man did you nail it. I'd never complain about the cold again.

Matt didn't end up coming over - he got in a lot of trouble and had to go home. Six Flags is off; I really wanted to see him and Eric, but things happen I guess.

D-Fig and Mike want me to come down today and hang with them, and possibly Josh. They say they saw you and her yesterday, down at the plaza. And it doesn't make any sense how ugly that makes me feel - just like, a surge of ugly thoughts and feelings.

Haley threw out my painting. I think she thinks I murdered her family or something. She still won't return my notes.

Mel's leaving today at two and won't come back until Wednesday. She's basically become my safety net so I'll actually have to stand on my own for a day or two. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Morin. I just miss her, that's all."

And nah, she really can't borrow my year book. I still basically hate you and your inconsiderate self. But I'll see you in art and we'll make some sort of random conversation, whatever.

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10200236/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10200236/ Wed, 27 Sep 2006 04:33:19 PDT

]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10114303/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10114303/ Mon, 18 Sep 2006 17:15:33 PDT Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
_{Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that} nothing mattered
_{All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a} few brief moments
_{And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And} try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line

_{'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But} I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
left there to drown in their innocence
<sub>But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be

So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth

Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost</sub>
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
<sub>You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing

We're singing</sub> I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their SONGS and LETTERS
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I'VE KILLED MYSELF WITH CHANGES TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be

Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10080312/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10080312/ Fri, 15 Sep 2006 12:46:22 PDT her.

And I'm sure once I stop making such a big hairy deal about them people won't even notice, but, it's like, gaining an extra seventeen chins or something. I'm really self-concious about them and... and it's a big change and I didn't think I was very physically attractive BEFORE the braces and now I've got these things on my teeth that make it look like I just fucking devoured a whole pack of Oreos and am in serious need of a toothbrush and some floss.

And my dog's spazing out and doesn't recognize any of us.

But I'm taking off to Aunti Di's for the weekend - we'll probably go to the Flea Market on Sunday, which is mint. Well, I have to ask, but yeah. The concert's tomorrow so have fun with your cancerless boyfriend Nessa, and at least TRY and pretend to enjoy all the loud music? I'd totally take your place, I've been trying to get there since I heard about it back in forever ago.

Some people aren't meant to be concert kids. Mostly they're the ones whose parents can't tolerate a night of bad music they listen to all the time in their kitchens or something.

My english essay got some praise. Yay. I'll probably write some poetry so something this weekend while dwelling in the rapture of my aunt's Big Comfy Couch. And I can scold Alex being a DUMBASS and getting high last night At least he's not a whore about it.

He's a good kid. I wish he were going to the dance with us, though. I still have a day or two to convince him, though, so maybe. And maybe Beryl and Kaitlin will go, or Laurel and Britt?

I don't have neighbors or anything; I play cops and robbers with the Hopkinton druggie kids. you know, the lesbians and the cigarette smokers.

Be jealous, be jealous.

Love is HP Parodies isn't going so well. I want to do summore, but maybe with another series or something. BUT I FIGURE IF HP CAN'T GET YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A LAZY ASS THAN NTOHING LESS POPULAR WILL CUT IT so I'll probably just give up.

I'm applying for a job at McDonald's blah blah I don't want to hear about it blah blah I like money blah blah blah.

It's my parent's anniversary this weekend so if anyone should ask me off-chancedly to do something it would be total irony because I've been free all summer and next weekend I'm chained to Story Land.

BUT ANYONE'S FREE TO COME ALONG AND BE SEVEN WITH ME. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Outttttttttt.

Wait, back. Lauren and I might be going to a Sparta concert in October, but I pitched the idea to my mum and she's iffy so it probably won't happen. I'm going to suggest the Panic concert to my aunt this weekend in exchange for being, like, her sex slave or something. I dunno. I want this one.

Out now. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10063075/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10063075/ Wed, 13 Sep 2006 17:45:53 PDT [link]

"No way. The Sex Pistols were fucking terrible." ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10030792/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10030792/ Sun, 10 Sep 2006 16:41:36 PDT I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Would you leave me too?

Smashing Pumpkins - Galapogos. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10002427/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/10002427/ Thu, 07 Sep 2006 18:54:18 PDT
Just kind of eh. The anxiety does not mesh with the tiredness well. And Kyle hasn't even looked at me and we have a class together. I dunno. I just thought we were okay since I'd been calling.

I'd been calling.

I haven't sent Haley a note today. I'll probably just let it go. I just kind of wish she'd at least yell at me or something, you know? Any realization that the stories I've been sending her, about my days or old memories, were read.

Mum says I should surround myself with people who make me feel good - whcih I guess, in a way, I'm abiding by because all the people that hurt me aren't exactly talking to me anymore.

I guess that's just kind of how high school works? Walking past buzzcut doesn't even phase me anymore. But, it doesn't really feel like this is the same, or anywhere close to it. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9991401/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9991401/ Wed, 06 Sep 2006 17:55:15 PDT
I need to be alone for a while.

I am crushed crushed crushed and crushed.

Magni should have gone, Magni needs to be with his family. Magni should have gone.

WHAT THE WHAT IS LADYLIKE?!?!
Oh Storm. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9976349/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9976349/ Tue, 05 Sep 2006 12:09:13 PDT
... oh, but of course, if you're the littlest Trindade, I'm all ears.

ANYWAY, call me an E. A. Poe impersonate and blah blah blah, but I think I'll finish my self-sypathetic cup of really gross ice cream and watch the third Harry Potter movie.

I'm not down. I'm just still catching my breath and trying to think and trying not to think.

Ahh, time for the daily Haley note! I'm off. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9917472/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9917472/ Thu, 31 Aug 2006 10:39:04 PDT
I will sit here and wait. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9916040/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9916040/ Thu, 31 Aug 2006 07:25:36 PDT YOU TWO ARE THE LIARS. YOU TWO ARE THE FUCKING CONS!
and how dare you tell her anything you don't know shit about.

it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair
WHAT did I ever do but love you?
What did I ever do but listen?

When have I ever given you a reason to doubt what I say?!

I bet you never call me when you're clean.
And haha you loved me once. You fucking loved me once.
How does that end over night? How am I left lingering while you just move on and discover how MUCH of a BURDEN I was, how much I've always HELD YOU DOWN and how HAPPY you are
now that I'm over.
Now that you've LEFT ME in the DUST of youre new life and you're new feelings and your newbestfriendgirlfriendloveofyourFUCKING life.

AND PROVE TO ME OTHERWISE IF THIS IS ALL A BREAKING RAGE
because I am broken.
You have succeeded, my friends, in destroying me.
And I can't cry about it and I can't talk to you about it because it's all redundant
and I'm not ready to beg for you back
and I'm NOT ready to accept an apology I'll never get, which is healthy because it's the FARTHEST thing from your mind.

movies and malls and parties and sin.

And why didn't I see this coming? ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9894655/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9894655/ Tue, 29 Aug 2006 10:02:33 PDT
I'm getting rid of all my scars via skin graph surgery! And I l-o-v-e my body. I'm gorgeous in my own way.

And right now the furtyhest thing from my mind is hurting myself and killing people and hating everything because everything's GREAT!







Happy now, Haley? Will you stop ignoring me now? Will you reply to my comments now? My emails, phonecalls?

Don't bother. I'm done trying for ignorant people. I am done trying for you. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9875732/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9875732/ Sun, 27 Aug 2006 17:04:17 PDT unbalanced unbearable unbecoming
uncalled-for uncared-for uncensored unclean unclear unconditional unconfident unconfessed uncontrolable unconvinced uncreative uncritical uncut uncarved uncurled
undecided undeciphered undefined undemanding undependable underground undergrown underhand underspent understated undeveloped undesired undetected undone undried
uneager unearned unearther uneasy unedited unemployed unencouraged unenviable uneven unethical unexciting unentwined
unfamiliar unfastened unfavored unfeminine unfinished unfit unflattering
unglazed ungrated ungrammatical
unhappy unhatched unhealed unhealthy unheard unheated unhelpful
unimagined unillustrated unimposing unimpressive unimportant uninvited uninvolved
unkempt unkind unkindled unknown
unlaced unlady-like unlikeable unlined unloved unlovely
unmade unmarked unmarried unmasked unmeasured unmemorable unmentionable unmotivated unmoved unmusical
unnatural unnecessary unnerved unnoticed unnourished
unobserved unofficial unoriginal unowned
unpatronized unpersuasive unpierced unplaced unpleasant unpolished unplotted unpracticed unprotected unpublished
unqualified unquiet
unready unread unraveled unreasonable unrealistic unrefined unrelated unrelaxed unrenewable unrepairable unrequested unreserved unrested unrewarding unrhymed unrighteous unripe unrolled
unsanitary unsatisfactory unsavory unscrewed unscripted unsealed unseasoned unsafe unsensational unsent unsettled unsexy unsheated unsightly unsigned unskilled unsmiling unspecial unstable unstaged unsteadsy unstirred unstructured unspecial unstrung unsung unstuck unsupported unsuccessful unsymmetric
untangled untended untied untitled untold untouched untuned
unused unusual
unveiled unvented unvoiced
unwanted unwilling unwashed unwed unwelcome unwomanly unworn unwound unwrapped unworthy unwritten


And all in all, just ugly. ugly ugly hideous. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9850201/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9850201/ Fri, 25 Aug 2006 11:50:42 PDT the-passenger-seat. Because Tori needs some fame.

Yesterday Micky and I walked down to Krysten's and cleaned a little so she could come out and play tennis with us. Wnet and picked up Peter Trefonas and his dog Ouzo, because three sucks and we wanted to play doubles. Micky wouldn't give me my Ibuprofen the night before and I was like, dying, so I promised I'd play tennis with her that day. Etc. etc.

So we all go down and Kryss and I warm up for a while and Micky and Peter are over warming up and it's good times. The football players were practicing down on the field to our left when we first got there and like twenty minutes in the female soccer players showed up and who did I spy?

NONE OTHER THAN THE PERPETUAL MR. DAVIDSON!!
... who cannot stand my existence.

So of course I'm sCREAMING at him from the courts and he's like, "That voice is unmistakeable!" which made me smile. And then Kryss heard Rojee's voice which I never would ahve been able to focus on because I was sitting there blabbering about how I was going to go bug Mr. D later, and she's like, "No way that's Rojee."

And I'm like, "ROJEE!" because I haven't seen him yet but hey, if one of the heads starts looking around, it's guaranteed.

So this bald head starts looking around and we're like "NO. FUCKING. WAY ROJEE!!!!"

So we prance over there all magical-like and rojee shaved his head! He's one of those guys who can definately pull it off though. And his dad was there so I hugged him and then hugged Rojee and rubbed his head. Then we went back to playing tennis, doubles, and it was excellent times. We played for, like, three or four hours.

And I'll admit - I'm pretty goddamn bad. BUT serving and I are fast friends. And it was indeed fun.

We took a lot of pictures - mostly me, but, regardless.
So, the updates are in ~the-passenger-seat.
With Tori pictures.
No Faux, yet.
But soon.
I'm at home with Dad this weekend.
Gross. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9826965/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9826965/ Wed, 23 Aug 2006 11:58:08 PDT I guess I've lost a bit of my personality? So she took us out today and offered to buy me a new comforter, and she took us out to lunch, and bought me some movie I was looking at, and keeps asking about like returning bottles and cans and stuff about school and my shedule.

She said she'd shell out the 75$ each for TADA AND the Newspaper. Although I'm not even sure that one's an option. So obviously she's not just going to shove this aside like 'Oh it's just a break-up she'll get over it.' Her and dad have even been giving me rides back and forth to Kate's to babysit Dunkin, as opposed to having me walk back and forth as per usual.

The other day when I came home, even, she was yelling at Michelle and Nina and like trembling with anger and then she came in my room and asked me to show her the stuff I'd gotten from the mall Saturday because she hadn't seen it yet.

And I don't know. I'm okay.

According to her I've been really soft-spoken and resilient the last couple of days. Dad complained about it last night, but I can't really tell him what's up now can I?

Huh, anyway. New poem. I may put the picture back up, but I don't know. I'll probably actually re-upload it before heading to Micky's. I think Kryss and Rose are going over to, but even if they aren't it's okay. They're a good dsitraction. Maybe I'll bring the movie.

Good Charlotte is going to tour with the Pink Spiders and is working on a fourth album. Should be interesting.

... okay, okay, I'll go put it up again. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9814912/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9814912/ Tue, 22 Aug 2006 10:59:59 PDT fucking myspace. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9795497/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9795497/ Sun, 20 Aug 2006 17:20:12 PDT
But you're all fucking everywhere and I can't stand you.

There's nothing more pathetic than leaking salt water in front of your cousin's computer.

And no I don't want to hang out because five minutes in you won't want to either. And I don't want you to call even though I said you could because you don't want to hear what I have to say anyway.

And I don't care anymore how much of annoyance my being like this is. It's not my fucking fault none of you are around when the sky's not falling down.

It's not my fucking fault you're never around.

This journal has officially become some obnoxious sobfest. And commiseration would be so nice but I don't believe a fucking thing anyone says anymore.

Nobody's genuine.
You're all fucking made of nuts and bolts. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9785147/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9785147/ Sat, 19 Aug 2006 18:11:56 PDT
And fuck your children and your system.

and fuck your impersonal messages and fuck you.

Just... fuck you.

And just fuck your practicality and the selfishness you deny by eminating.

I hate loving you so much nowadays. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9762618/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9762618/ Fri, 18 Aug 2006 10:34:10 PDT
I've gone to visit them a couple times, but obviously I didn't see them. They're town property now, I guess. And I don't know. My room still looks weird without their clutter.

Their gross food, and their gross water. But I'm happy for them. I'm happy for Norma, who I healed from her near-death experience and taught to be social and taught to eat and taught to live. And Abby, who depended so heavily on me that I had her at my will and that, that was power.

I don't really like power. But I like being needed.

... and fish need you to feed them. Mmhm.
You can't stay mad at the setting sun
There is nothing left to do but sleep.

But FauxHawk is married to Mr. Broken Emo (my aunt's fish) who is technically a girl like Faux, meaning they're lesbian fish so yaye. ^ ^ She's a fiesty one. And she's silvery white tipped on the edge of every scale with red, and in the sunlight, some pale blue.

Absolutely gorgeous. She nibbled my finger today. And, of course, she has a mohawk. No lie.

And then there's Tori, with reminds me of Hannah and I don't really know why. She's peach and dark, dark blue. Really pretty, and she has the beadiest eyes.

... christ I'm a sad existence. Have I nothing to do but describe the two new additions to the top of my television?

They blow bubbles like Macchi. I want three more to put in cylinder tanks so it looks more aesthetically pleasing, and I figure two fish will equal a Norma and three will equal an Abby. Or maybe three and a half?

And naming them is fun. Although, I'll never find one as good as Mr. Broken Emo.

One another note, unadulteratedanalyticanuerisms has officially settled into my gallery and I must be honest; I'm upset about it and will probably scrap it.

Pageviews don't matter, comments don't matter, blah. But I have to say Rachel beats frigging all of you in my love book right about now.

I went back to the gym today for the first time in about five months. And I missed it so much.
I love working out.

I'm going to be so sore in the morning.

EDIT:

I am so sore. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9751823/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9751823/ Wed, 16 Aug 2006 18:23:20 PDT
But I still have to delete my MySpizzle. I am not happy about this but I'll manage.

Called about my shedule today and I can't fix it until the 25th.
And fix it I will. At eight sharppp.

I'm staying with my aunt this weekend because I cannot stand another weekend in NH and I want to spend time with Brandi and Alex, turning him into an 'Emo' and greeting Bry when she comes home from Florida.

I guess I didn't really have to rush putting that drawing up. :\ I am glad I rushed, though. I'm glad it's up and I can start on something else. I was actually watching a Bloc Party video today, for Helicopter, and got my crazy inspiration. I was like, "Thank you mr. Jamaican Embassador."

Which reminds me of my latest life goal - have five betta fish. Well, seven, but two have to die - hard truth. Brandi and Aunti Di have five left - Dory, Mr. Broken Emo (), Agador Sparatcus, Punk Ass, and Yeah.

Yeah. Fishiswaaa', my old betta that mum gave to her, died like last week. But he lived long for a fish!

But they cost like 3.50 so that 20 bucks I have lying around that I could be using for the greater good?

Beta fish.
Maybe just three and some bowls and food.
I mean, twenty bucks... doesn't really go very far. XDDD ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9745704/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9745704/ Wed, 16 Aug 2006 08:26:14 PDT
I have one more thing to upload on here before I go for a while, so I'll get that out of the way. Please at least look at it. It took me forever and although it's not necessairily all I wanted it to be, I am... proud of it. A little.

Well, I'd be pretty damn upset if it got ruined, let's just say that.

Mum made me break my month of no crying. Damn. Because we just had this huge talk about like everything and she wants me back in therapy and maybe summore medication, which yes I have been taking regularly and no I have not been abusing.

And I don't know. She wanted to see my Flickr account, so I showed her. Apparently I scared my aunt. But I explained it was all for contests and all that good shit and I don't know. I don't know.

So my eyes really really hurt and I'll upload the picture now. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9740779/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9740779/ Tue, 15 Aug 2006 18:34:22 PDT the-passenger-seat - if you couldn't tell by the sudden 15 or so deviation update in your boxes.

Nothing special. I'd just realized that Flickr has been getting a lot more TLC than poor dA. NOT THAT IT DESERVES IT. Changing shit on me.

Bayside are excellent - but so very, very angry! Goodness, I started listening and I was like, "Aww, awesome lovesong"... but uhm.. nyuu? O_O



"<sub>I'm never waking up again
so I'll never have to find out what you did.
Each day it's harder to pretend.
That your eyes aren't lying as much as your mouth did.

I'd grab your head by your hair and I'd hack it off.
And put it on display at the front of the yard
on a stick that's decorated with a little pink bow
and a sign that says "Her friends and family should have taught her more about love."

Recounting pages in a book.
That I'd torn out ashamed that one day you'd look.
Afraid that once you did you'd really know how it felt
to be a sucker on a string that you dragged around wherever you'd go.

I'm running around, around and it hurts.
Tempted to tape up the pages I'd ripped.
And although I recognize that we're attached at the lips,
you're the one in charge and that the captain's gotta sink with the ship.</sub>"

I'd love to hear that live. Mel says they're incredible.
But I don't really trust people's opinions anymore.

Shedules came out today. Once again, they fucked mine up. Two studies, a college core, no elective. Oh, and IPEC three times a week. Mmmm I sense some typos.

Sooo I'll call like the second the secretaries walk in tomorrow and I'll fix it like I did last year, and the year before, and blah. But I'm going to Phil's tomorrow and I really wanted to compare shedules with him. It's been seven weeks since we've seen each other. I may even let him pick me up and kiss me, I've missed him so much. XD Hopefully Casali will be around BUT apparently drum lessons are a bit more important than I.

... Pssshaw. He'll be there.

Then again, if I call at like, eight, they should have it straightened out in time for me to go pick it up on the way or something.
Wishful thinking.

I'm both excited and kind of bummed about the new year. Well, because it's a new year, and that means braces are closer (less than a month before I become ten times MORE hideous. ;_, but then again I'm basically beginning for all the distractions of a new year. I'm so so so psyched for VHS. But, I really shouldn't be. I'm only so eager because of all the lovely distractions. The EXCUSES as to why the phone's not rining and I don't spend any time with you.

It's easier to fool yourself when you're spending all your time bitching at a VHS teacher a few hundred miles away.

all in all, whatever. Working on some aspects of being a humanitarian (not in your definition's sense), which is hard when you're not really... around the people you're trying to work with.

Storm Large is up. Toodles.

Ohhhhh, PS: Have fun in the Cape. You guys have probably been there for like, eight hours now and I hope you're all having fun... and won't see this until you're back...

But uhm., have a blast, wear sunscreen, and I'll try to tag along next time. Can't wait to hear all about it the 18th. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9725615/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9725615/ Mon, 14 Aug 2006 13:53:59 PDT So this is suckkk.

And I'd talk to you on AIM
if I was in a mood to burden
or annoy.

And you guys go be cool together.
I have a few people who don't know me left.

I think it's time to
dust off the mask
and discard all your
advice.
You don't know what you want
[Kyle Adria Haley You
Me They Them We]

And you're going to the Cape and that's awesome.
I'll be calling Phil and Mel and Em.
Looking at scholarships.
Summer reading. Thanks again.
And I'm not afraid of not being her
anymore. I'm just kind of afraid
I don't mean that.

I'll be festering about.
Back on AIM 24/7, but not talking.
cest pool cest pool.
I keep asking for a new Cecil
because I'm not her biggest fan
and I'd rather have my Mason,
but it doesn't really matter;
everyone else hates Cecil, too.

And I'm just so tired.
So so so tired.
Just five more minutes.
Please, just five more minutes. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9688229/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9688229/ Fri, 11 Aug 2006 08:32:12 PDT is confused.

Truly I have always known
who I am.
It's just that I work in stages
and sometimes they switch
too fast.
And we can't keep up
with who we were
yesterday.

We mistake everything for
confusion.

I dabble in subjects of change.
I dabble in subjects of change.
And you are subject to change
a million times over.

It's when you stay the same that you know
you've stopped being alive.

I am alive.
I am subject to change. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9607486/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9607486/ Sat, 05 Aug 2006 11:58:09 PDT I don't mind them really.

Alec Glover told me, back in sixth grade, that I was ugly.
He told me, "Your lips are really horribly chapped.
No one's ever going to want to kiss you."
And ever since I've been a total chapstick whore.
and you're right, it's the negative things that stay with you.

Because I remember Cain dying.
And I remember the seizures.
And I remember the sneaking behind the shed and
calling the cops.
And I remember the half-year French class in sixth grade when Alec Glover told me
"No one's ever going to want to kiss you."

But I also remember Haley once telling me
that I had beautiful skin
and thinking she was crazy.
It was a compliment rant and she was probably running out of
praise, but, it's here with me. In my head, like sixth grade French class.

My piece is almost done. I worked on it until late last night and now
it's in the home strech.
Did I spell stretch wrong?
I couldn't remember at first.
You can have my Microsoft Word, darling - I don't use it anymore.

You can have my heart, baby - I don't use it anymore. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9596586/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9596586/ Sat, 05 Aug 2006 11:49:07 PDT fucking glow in the dark
for all those starving eyes
to see

Let me get this out of the way - I hope you have the best fifteenth possible, Micky, and I only regret that I won't be able to see you on your day. And that I couldn't make Warped Tour a little more enjoyable for you.

Warped was good. The best part was probably seeing Mel again, and Anthony and Griggs. I missed a lot of acts running around like a chicken without a head looking for people. But I realized that even though I missed the Sounds and I missed Halifax and everyone else, it doesn't matter. They're all sitting at home waiting for me to lay on my bed and just listen.

Music was meant to be heard, not seen. I see what's going down.

Read an article today, a huge ranting blog equipped with pictures and Internet definitions, on how 'emo' is ruining the world. It was a really well-put together argument. But when the author overused a misused 'angst' she lost my audience. No one knows what's going down.

You aren't a fucking puzzle waiting to be put together. You're a whole person you've scrambled the pieces to just because you don't want anyone to see. Not even you can see how fucking amazing you are. I never thought I'd meet someone who would make Baker Baker make sense.

Let's skip the next three years and go off to college. I don't care if you're scared and I don't care if you could care less. Let's call it a revelation.

My hair's black. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9556282/ http://evilabnormalvamp.deviantart.com/journal/9556282/ Mon, 31 Jul 2006 15:57:02 PDT
Should I be happy over the fact that I'm not?

I dunno, it just is really annoying and I'd love a shower. I'd love to contact Sam who doesn't have a goddamn MySpace. But I'm lazy and I hate phones. But I'll call a little later and tell her to get one, or at least an AIM sn, because I'm a sellout like that and so are youuu.

Hmm. So I'll ramble for a little while longer. I told my mum about my piercing yesterday. She was in a good mood and I'm really bad at hiding things and it was just kind of annoying always having to keep my head a certain way and train myself not to wince everytime I forgot I couldn't tuck my hair behind my ear. So she was... okay with it I guess? I mean obviously she was mad, but she didn't rip it out and I'm only grounded for the week [when I deserve sooo much worse], but all in all it's okay as long as she doesn't make me tell dad. HE would rip it out.

But it's healthy and LimeWire's driving me crazy and I think I'll make another CD and take a shower. Showering isn't so bad. Maybe I'll even do my hair. ]]> ~evilabnormalvamp