http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:firstmate&section=today deviantART RSS for by:firstmate en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:49:59 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/28460295/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/28460295/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:56:05 PST
Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here. I've come so very, very far since I posted last. God has been revealing himself to me more and more everyday. I feel really good. Life rocketh greatly.

Anywhoo, I'm working on something really big. I'm writing a comic book thing. It's called 'arallel'. It's a sci-fi awesome thing. Basically, the world is very different from what we know. Here's a brief synopsis:

"The world has been brought together under one banner: UNITY, a mega-corporation known for its amazing scientific, medical, and technological breakthroughs. They provide humanitarian aid and medical supplies for 96% of the known world. They have been at the forefront of every major invention and discovery in the past 200 years. Thanks to their efforts, the world is a peaceful place now, where mankind is free to achieve his goals as he sees fit, and UNITY is there to help us along, every step of the way.

That's what you're told, anyway.

The truth is much darker. UNITY has indeed developed, discovered, invented, or perfected almost every technology in the past two centuries, but not for humanitarian reasons. UNITY's real goal is control- they don't want to help the world, they want to own it. In truth, they already have most of it, behind the scenes, pulling strings and whispering in ears. They've almost achieved their goal. Global communications, police, medical, education, world trade- all controlled by UNITY. Religion is outlawed, space travel is unreachable, and no one has ever even heard of a cell phone (don't bother asking how I know). UNITY has secret 'research stations' all over the globe where they conduct blacklist experiments; some on machines, some on animals... and some on people.

That's where we come in.

We're a resistance. A real one, not the fakes UNITY pays to make them look like heroes on the news. We're here to make sure you know all the facts. We're here to give humanity a choice again. We're here to bring you the truth... because only the truth can free us from the darkness that's coming.

We're Parallel. Listen up, if you wanna know what's really happening. And God bless.


SPARK- LEADER OF PARALLEL"

I currently have NO ARTIST. I have lots of background and scores of ideas, though. If you're interested in helping, or want to know a little more about it, let me know. Thanks, and it's good to be back.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22945243/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22945243/ Sun, 01 Feb 2009 14:17:17 PST
]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22748023/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22748023/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:28:15 PST
Everyone keep Christine in your thoughts and prayers. I've unintentionally given her a lot of stress the past month. Pray God will give her guidance in the time ahead as to how she should proceed.

Please pray for me as well, that I can use this time apart to regain the stability I had such a very short time ago. I believe that I can, and will, be an even better man than I was before this whole mess began. I have learned a great deal from the past month. Pray I can apply that knowledge in ways that will strengthen me as a man, and help me cope with whatever my future holds.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22704047/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22704047/ Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:15:56 PST
So Sunday was a good day for me, for the most part. After Church, Christine, James and I drove over to my apartment. We watched a movie and I made lunch. After the movie, James excused himself upstairs so Christine and I could talk to her. I tried to explain why I'd been freaking out, and why I was a little scared, and how I knew it was wrong. I told her how much I loved her. I asked her if there was anything in our relationship that was bothering her, or anything she wanted to talk about. She told me no. I asked if she was sure, because that was the whole reason I'd set aside some alone time for us. So we could talk about us. She assured me she was fine, and I left at at that, because I trust her. We napped a bit on the couch, which was, as always, an incredible experience that ended too soon. Being so close to her like that, feeling so warm and safe and at peace, with her in my arms, resting without a care, so serene and beautiful... Anyway...

So we went to take Christine home, but her family was gone and she didn't have her keys, so we went back to James' house. She tracked down her grandparents' number, called over to her folks, who were eating dinner over there, and told them where she was and could they come get her. While she was waiting over here, we discovered that Lori was online. Both of us were talking to Lori, me in the bedroom and Christine in the living room. I asked Christine to come into the other room and use my computer instead of the family one, so I could show her where I was staying now, even though it's a huge mess right now. Now, Lori had been talking to me about one of our mutual friends, who for her sake shall remain nameless here. After Christine's folks showed up, I took my computer back. We started talking again, and I was telling her that Christine was gone and I was talking again, because she'd just been using my chat window while she'd been in here. Lori, on the other hand, went back to talking about our mutual friend. I missed that line of conversation.

And that is where EVERYTHING WENT WRONG.

Lori proceeded to tell me she had been told that being around me made our friend unsettled, and she wasn't sure why. She told me our friend didn't want to tell me, prolly out of not wanting to hurt my feelings.

I however, thought we were talking about Christine still. So here we are, and Lori is, as far as I can figure, telling me that I make my girlfriend unsettled. My girlfriend is afraid of me, and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings telling me. I start to freak. Christine? Afraid? Unsettled? By me? Why? How long? What about?

I broke. All the dark thoughts I'd managed to repress, all the things I had convinced myself I was reading into wrong, suddenly poured forth in a torrential wave of pain and anguish.

Lori and I never figured out we were talking about two different people.

I left the conversation feeling very hurt and scared and alone. Lori had suggested I write a letter explaining how I was hurting, and give it to her. So, I immediately laid down on the bed and got out my notebook. Several hours of pain, and four pages later... I got an envelope and sealed it, marked it to make sure she'd know it was from me without actually writing on the outside, and waited. I waited all through the next day at work, trying desperately to figure out how it was that I had disturbed her so, and why she couldn't trust me enough to tell me about it, when I had specifically asked about this sort of thing only hours before she had confided in Lori about it. I felt betrayed and broken. Upon getting off work, I sped over to her house, and dropped the letter into her mailbox. I waited. I hurt. I waited. I died inside. I waited. nothing. no answer. no response. no nothing.

Then our mutual friend sent me an email. I thought that was odd. it was rather late, and she had told me earlier that she didn't want me to email her. Lori had mentioned Christine sending an email to explain things at some point during the day... suddenly it clicked. I opened up the chat box history from the day before. I scanned down it to right after Christine had left...

I saw the line of text I'd missed before.

Lori hadn't been talking about Christine at all! Christine wasn't afraid or unsettled or rattled of me. She didn't need to protect herself from me. She didn't anything that Lori had said about it. Lori had been talking about our friend the whole time, and she was giving advice thinking I was freaking about that instead! I felt so relieved. I immediately, though it was late, called over to Christine's house and told her not to open my undeserved letter of pain. I told her I'd written it entirely under false pretense, all the while giggling with giddy glee at my reali... ]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22684446/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22684446/ Mon, 19 Jan 2009 23:03:16 PST
Seriously, though. I'll explain in detail tomorrow.

Suffice it to say, I've been dying inside over, well... nothing. All my anguish in the past 24 hours has been over a misunderstanding.

I feel so much better. Idiotic, but better.

Promise to post the story tomorrow.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22681971/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22681971/ Mon, 19 Jan 2009 20:00:04 PST
]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22622727/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22622727/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 20:47:41 PST
I'm just not sure of much anymore. Life is great, so why do I feel so horrid? Sigh... Maybe a good night's sleep will help... If I can ever get one.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22480354/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/22480354/ Fri, 09 Jan 2009 00:10:20 PST
For those of you not in the know (I take that to be most of you) I have a condition known as type 2 bi-polar disorder. bp2 makes me unable to control my emotional levels, resulting in rapid high-low energy and emotion states very similar to a manic-depressive condition, albeit on a smaller, less dangerous scale. I take medication to manage this condition.

Until very recently, I was under the impression that the medicine was working admirably. Recently, however, I have started suffering from mood 'attacks', wherein my depression basically falls onto my brain, crushing all attempts at rational thinking and making mood lifting almost impossible. This has led to severe lack of confidence in my relationship abilities, and in my view of self-value to the woman I love. It is extremely disheartening and disconcerting, to say the least.

I have tried to explain to her this condition, although I had hoped not to have had to for some time, as I had hoped the meds would still be working. I was startled to learn that she was mostly unfazed, and merely a tad worried for me, presumably because the last time I had a mental breakdown, I tried to commit suicide. And that was before I actually had anything to lose. Now I have her, and when I get into a foul mood, my brain starts to tally up all the reasons I'm no good for her. it's very annoying, not to mention it makes my already dark mood worse.

I want to lay it out here, in public view, so I can't try and retract it later. I love my Angel with all my heart and more. I believe wholeheartedly that I did not just 'find' her, but rather that she was brought into my life through the Divine guidance of God. I wish to bring her happiness and joy, and to always be there for her. I will do anything I must to ensure that she never has a moments' doubt of these facts. I am not going to let a mood disorder prevent me from my goals. I am not going to let a spiritual attack stop me from loving the woman who loves me. I am not going to let anything short of direct Divine intervention, or her own wishes, keep me from being with her the rest of our lives. And I am going to get help for my condition, so that I may be the man she needs, wants, and deserves.

I love you, Angel. I love you beyond my own ability to comprehend it. Thank you for not thinking less of me, and for being there for me, and for not giving up on me. I forced this onto you a lot sooner than I had hoped I'd have to, and your response makes even the blackest inner darkness seem a little less oppressive. Thank you for loving me.


Please pray for me in this time, if you believe in prayer. Goodnight, everyone.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21879695/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21879695/ Mon, 08 Dec 2008 10:41:48 PST
These are a few of the things I have lived without, and vow to never be missing again.

I love my Angel. She is the greatest blessing to me. She fills my heart with rapture. I thank God for bringing her into my life. I thank her for staying. I thank my friends and family for supporting us.

I love you, LA.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21809243/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21809243/ Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:48:40 PST
I have come to the conclusion that, had I not made the tremendous amount of 'mistakes' I have made in the past five years or so, I would not currently be in this wonderful position. And so, I must be thankful for my errors, as they guided me slowly and painfully into the most wonderful event of my entire life thus far.

I love you so much, Christine, and I would go through any amount of pain to reach you again if I had to.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21787123/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21787123/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:46:34 PST
I love you, Christine!

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21776695/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21776695/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:24:26 PST
]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21733464/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21733464/ Sat, 29 Nov 2008 15:21:20 PST
My characters are developing more fluidly now. I don't know when it happened, but I'm not shaping them anymore. It's more like I'm finding out about them as they tell me. It's... oddly invigorating. It's like I'm reading a story, or getting to know a new friend over coffee.

The Pantheon+ met up for Zoe's party last night, and it was def the best! I won at glowgolf, went to a new restaurant, wrote my first LARP thing, and got to play alongside Max and Robin! It was an absolute blast, and I can't wait until the next get-together.

]]> ~firstmate http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21690627/ http://firstmate.deviantart.com/journal/21690627/ Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:52:58 PST
2. God is awesome. Period. Thanks, God.

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is incredible. Totes. I'd so go gay for Angel.

4. My characters are officially talking to me. Not that it's a bad thing. Actually, it's slightly amusing, sometimes. And cool.

5. I no longer have a blister on my right foot after skating all night. I do, however, have a band aid on my right foot. I'm okay.

6. On the topic of skating, I am very proud and surprised to admit I did not actually fall over once while on my skates tonight. Go me.

7. I'm working tomorrow, but I get holiday pay so it's not all bad. At least since I'm working someone else doesn't have to. Flindt's folks are going to save me food, since I don't get off til six. And then I work Black Friday, too.

]]> ~firstmate