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]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/14819881/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/14819881/ Thu, 27 Sep 2007 20:53:19 PDT <3 beauty, sucess, fame, money glamour, happiness. oh i love life, i'll make itbetter with every day

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/13308798/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/13308798/ Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:43:36 PDT
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/12625206/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/12625206/ Mon, 16 Apr 2007 20:59:27 PDT
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/12625064/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/12625064/ Mon, 16 Apr 2007 20:46:45 PDT whatever, i hate being UGLY it blows. i want to me famous in famous i want boy in dark who came with ralph to my lacrosse game, by whose sweater i boroowed in a drunken spurr. boy who probably thinks the worst of me. oh boy, id like to know who you are after 2 years you can only imagine what I think. especially when you associated yourself with that diry dirty diry girl. sweet jesus. whatever. I NEED O MAKE THE MOST OF THINGS HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY MUST BE HAPPY YES? yes i must. i miss butttterrrr he was so nice. and so sweeet.i miss justin, he was so cute and so ufnny and so ocnfident. i miss tony he was so mysterious, so meloncholly, so funny, so blunt. hes a little reminder of something. i miss that. its ok, ill get him. ill findhim hes still in the city. a year from now. he should be min e(if hes not married or dead of course)
and then oh yes
I lost all poetic talent. i write like. i think, i think choppy i think blunt, i think clearly. i think to think and not to analyze i try to avoude analyzing because it lower humans. it makes them weak the trust the fact - thats all we need to know. its all i need to look at ,, also who am i?

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/12231753/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/12231753/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 11:40:06 PDT
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11663993/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11663993/ Fri, 02 Feb 2007 20:01:23 PST yeap its almost the one year of the loss of virginity thing. ugh i should throw a party. theme: losses of virginity. wear whatchyou wore when ya lost it, have as much sex as you can to reinact the night. USE PROTECTION KIDS.
so i was looking at a picture of freshie year lacrosse sphaghetti dinner and its me and a few of the chikas and im smiling and i just kept staring at my smile. it felt so sincease, it LOOKS so sincear it look like i was really happy. which i find strange because i remember crying just hours before that, crying because i broke up with ralph. i dont remeber wheather it was tears for accually missing him or because i gre so accustomed to him. but i miss that smile.

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11474790/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11474790/ Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:42:19 PST
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11474740/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11474740/ Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:38:25 PST
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11474739/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11474739/ Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:38:25 PST
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11215413/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11215413/ Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:44:11 PST just thin. shes ugly, her moustache. ew, its disgusting. whatever. ill loose some nice pounds and be better than her. HAHAHAHAH WHORE WHORE fucking slut. i have so much bitterness. i hate fucking whores. i cant look hot newyears eve, im not think eneough. im scared. so scared. gah. gah. gah. looveeee me plz.

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11131406/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/11131406/ Wed, 20 Dec 2006 19:01:48 PST
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10923393/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10923393/ Sat, 02 Dec 2006 09:55:33 PST ive spend too much time caring about looks. theyre only looks.
(weight is another topic. I WILL LOOSE THESE FUCKING 25 PUNDS THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I WILL WEIGHT 115 ALL MY LIFE. MS. FATTYY OVER HERE REFUSES TO JUST 'DEAL WITH IT')
p.s the boy with the mysterious eyes, he fails to noice i exsist. its ok. someday, ill say something to him, just to know how his voice sounds. then itll feel like alittle 15 year olds accomplishment)

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10547564/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10547564/ Sun, 29 Oct 2006 10:56:11 PST MYABE IM OLD FASHIONED OR MAYBE BoYS FIND HERPES ATTRACTIVE, BUT IT SEEMS THAT I AM SO 1920 TO THE POINT WHERE I DONT FUCKING EXSIST.
i dont mind, sure its kind of a killer knowing youre this short little girl no one sees, or that youre best friend who wears skirts shorter than her cooch gets the boy youve liked for 3 years. or maybe its because you glare at people because you think (and by you i mean I) that the more youll glare the more scraed theyll dear. no one can hurt you when youe scared right? so, in short i feel retarded. "hellloooo ladies" "oh ok" is that all i had to say? and by ladies did he mean monika? YEA, he so did. i used to think, why the fuck does she go out if shes so bitter, she just sits there glaring. so maybe ive turned into her, and maybe now im more pthetic than her. ive gone out ever weekend for the past year. and does it feel fullfilled? no, not at all. it feels like im alittle dead. having morals in the 21st century is social suicide.

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10547562/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10547562/ Sun, 29 Oct 2006 10:55:58 PST MYABE IM OLD FASHIONED OR MAYBE BoYS FIND HERPES ATTRACTIVE, BUT IT SEEMS THAT I AM SO 1920 TO THE POINT WHERE I DONT FUCKING EXSIST.
i dont mind, sure its kind of a killer knowing youre this short little girl no one sees, or that youre best friend who wears skirts shorter than her cooch gets the boy youve liked for 3 years. or maybe its because you glare at people because you think (and by you i mean I) that the more youll glare the more scraed theyll dear. no one can hurt you when youe scared right? so, in short i feel retarded. "hellloooo ladies" "oh ok" is that all i had to say? and by ladies did he mean monika? YEA, he so did. i used to think, why the fuck does she go out if shes so bitter, she just sits there glaring. so maybe ive turned into her, and maybe now im more pthetic than her. ive gone out ever weekend for the past year. and does it feel fullfilled? no, not at all. it feels like im alittle dead. having morals in the 21st century is social suicide.

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10478876/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10478876/ Sun, 22 Oct 2006 17:31:56 PDT
]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10362662/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10362662/ Wed, 11 Oct 2006 19:49:02 PDT i've always done this as a little kid, when something didnt work out, i looked on the bright side. but then i scolded myself forlooking on the bright side because in all the fairytales the princesses never looked on the bright side, they wallowed in the bad parts and then the good stuff happened.
so i stopped myself from having good throughts, so tht they would surprise me when they accually happened.
confusing? i know.
and i think im old eneogh to realize that those happy things wont happen whether i think about them or not. its reality and the boy ive wanted for so long wont come up on a white horse and takeme away to his kington. the world is a harsh cold place, and i feel like i missed out on the movie portion of it.
somedays i feel like im growing up too fast, and that i'll never have that move drama boyfriend jock and i'll never be the cheerleader everyone wants to be. i think acceptance is the hardest part of life, acceptance and moving on.
i wonder if i'll ever get rid of even the slightest like for him. or for the slightest lust for the other one. i would be lying if i said i didnt wish love at first sight exsisted and that the perfect boy was not in fact a whore who has kissed plenty of other girls. but i can honestly say i want respect, i dont want be a another number, and i dont want to be another simple girl.
we exsist for apurpose, to leave our marks in this world. i wish i could say some are bad, but all in all, every mark is worth remembering. i want to be someone, i want people to lay on their death bed, and have some thought of me. im askig for so much and i sound selfish. i just dont know what it is. i lack love and compassion it takes to be a saint, and i lack the sadistic degeneration it takes to be a whore. who am i?.

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10123295/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/10123295/ Tue, 19 Sep 2006 14:53:51 PDT
"you dress with class butyour class doesnt fir you're age' ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/9952977/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/9952977/ Sun, 03 Sep 2006 15:35:04 PDT ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/9821233/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/9821233/ Tue, 22 Aug 2006 21:36:26 PDT i must have about a million journals hideen just about everywhere.
undermy bed, in my draws on scraps of paper, on xangas livjeournals and 'this'
its my way of looking back and avoiding these mistakes ive made.
so man mistakes, and so many times i ve flet like a worthless perice of shit.
i dont know, maybe its this idea that thigns do in fact get better in the end, or maybe its the fear of knowing im not what i want to
i know the things i say dont make sense. iknow i dont weight 90 pounds. i know im not 6 feet tall. i know my hair isnt perfect, and ive got blemishes. and the things i say arent romantic, or mysterious. im simple, and i hate myself for that. i want to be someone else so badly i can bareful controle it. i dont feel right. inmy body in this weight. inthispersonlity in anything. i want somsone to deal with my dadistic ways.
haha i do. i want to fall inlove, i want to see what that crazy feeling is. but i know, hah, i fucking know i need to learn to be comfterable with myself before anything else. i know i feel like theres always something wrong with me. this self improvement phase has gotten longer than i expetced it to. i keep looking back opn last year and i cant help but feel like theres stil soemthing missing. its not much of a secret. there IS somethig missing. i remember liking that one boy (dont forget that one boy) how stupid of me. highschool has been nothing more than a pile of stupid mistakes and typing wothout looking at the keyboard. i just want to be perfect. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/9106259/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/9106259/ Sun, 18 Jun 2006 14:20:10 PDT thats a downside to myself, i cant regret things for the life of them
ill cry, ill complain and then i'll forget
it was just a matter of the morals i thought i lost
i mean what i did was degrading but whatever.
i get this feeling there is more to life than everything that every little 16 yar old girl complains about.
maybe its what you make of it, i dont want to complain about the stupid little things, knowingly because i see the way others live their lives. i dont want to care about when im getting my next tattoo.or whether or not i'll get that chanel purse, or when i'll get drunk another time. stupid worries.
how ignoarnt.
im naive
and i want somsone to deal with my sadistic, ways
i dont care anymore
i dont care about what people think of me
either you love me, or you hate me,
and i dont care ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/8914278/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/8914278/ Mon, 29 May 2006 18:14:43 PDT simple as that simple as fucking that
i remeber taking the train last night
thinking "something is wrong again"
i should mark it down in caldeners because that feeling is an omen
i am a fuckig ...whore
simply said
no way of working around it
whore. slut
i cant belive.
wow and i lost my best freind
dear. god.
i dispise myself ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/8808457/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/8808457/ Thu, 18 May 2006 14:23:00 PDT i have no time to care about a boy
i dont have the time, to give them the time of day
and i love it
perfection ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/8011491/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/8011491/ Sun, 26 Feb 2006 18:08:42 PST i dont know how to put that in terms even i would understand.
but i dont even know him.
well, i do.
and i would love to get to know him better
because for the past two years it's felt odd.
i want to explain myself to myself because i feel like im rambling on
like a holly.
"whos the boy whos that boy"
its always been like that. seeing him exsist
seeing him connect to all my freinds.
and it was the kind of "i wish he would know my name" kinda of boy
then al the girls feel in lust
[i wouldnt lie, hes gorgeous]
but theres something so mysterious about him
i would love to get to know him
but such a coky boy isnt good for anything.
[i love his eyes]
but even when his introductions went around the room
they never came too mee
[i can only say this this way without sounding improper]
it wasnt a "hello my name is" - to me.
but to everyone BUT me
it says a lot. it says a lot.
and ive realized im sick of those dont matter fligs.
[i havent ust realized it now]
but it struck me now.
that i wanna focus on something more
[but icant]
not being me and all. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/7955215/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/7955215/ Mon, 20 Feb 2006 17:10:25 PST i was shitfaced with so much liquor to last me forever
and i knew what i was doing
thats what almost killed me
the fact that i know what i was fucking doing.
and the worst would have to be how i realized it
fucking crying.
i love them for being there for me.
i hate him for not being there for me.
i hate him so much
i hate him so much it struck me last night that
when i said i was over liking him
i was lying.
or maybei wasnt
but what i know now
is that nothing has really changed
i do care about him
and theres such a big party of me that wants me to hate him
he gave him the condom afterall
so he knew
so its not like he cared
right. right.
im getting sick of me.
andthe things i do ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/7615001/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/7615001/ Sun, 15 Jan 2006 21:20:20 PST i dont need you.
i dont need youat all
i need myself.
i need to find myself
ive realized i dont need any boy to hold. and love.
not untilli focus on myself.
'self i m p r o v e m e n t '
i know what i want
i know what i dont want
i know what im afraid of becoming
i know what i want to become
i need to get there.
i live life for m y s e l f
and i think
that>
i need help ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6971217/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6971217/ Sun, 06 Nov 2005 12:08:44 PST i mean, knowing that i still like him
and knowing that its so impossible.
i thought i should get over him
and everytime i see him
its back to the start
i dont knowww
i like, james.
but its not the same.
whatever.
he's.
i dont know what to say.
its just a whole lotta heartbreak.
ow ow. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6716367/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6716367/ Sat, 08 Oct 2005 22:04:54 PDT someone to hold me.
but maybe, at a time like this
youll hug them back
in hopes of having somsone to touch.
someone to pretend
they care about you.
someone to high to care.
why doesnt anyone care
i care. i cared about him
but i have imperfections
and i hate that
he'll never know.
i wish he knew.
oh i wish he knew.
but he knows.
he just doesnt care. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6506192/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6506192/ Wed, 14 Sep 2005 19:08:39 PDT it too guts to do what i did
and you were a real sweatheart at frisy i mean; you didnt say anything to make me cry
you ditn freak out
and reject me at the spot
i heardd you'd cared
and truth be told you didnt.
well;; i hope u reazlie i dont care
you looked that whore. you liked that whore
shes fat. ugly. short
ugh it sounds like im describing myself
but no no no
im prettier.
ugh what can you say i gess
your a fag faced whore
im not used to loosing
and i like bhow abrubtly it happened. you know
the fake smiles
the fake "do u have a cigarte" to push away all assumptions of hatered
well i do hate you
and i appreciate how you broke my heart
no; really..i do.
im just another envious girl; with anenvious smile ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6435561/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6435561/ Tue, 06 Sep 2005 19:07:48 PDT it wasnt. it was pity at first
then just; ignorance.
it hurts more than a fucking word could
just be blunt and say it to my face
i dont like you
4 fucking ltetters
it hurts more more more
because im still clinging to those silly little pretend games
where everything works out well
i have this feeling again. sooo empty
its comes in unusual patterns.
this is how it feels l.to like osmsone..you cant have, ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6382607/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6382607/ Wed, 31 Aug 2005 21:07:12 PDT hah i told him
just so i can be sure rejections the only thing ive been wokring for.
this is gonna hurt.. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6364296/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6364296/ Mon, 29 Aug 2005 21:45:31 PDT you look at old comments
you wonder where you went wrong because everything seemed perfect
the words
they wernet waht they are now.
you listen to opinions formed by your best freinds, they think they know best
Now and again it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is accurate.
and do the ever know?
they dont know how it feels to be wrong.
s you let them pretned,
and you keep looking. back on what he said.
and you keeo replaying those steps.
and you look for where you went wrong.
"i could have danced the night away with youuuuuuu"

"hey they are right^^ "

"lets cuddle"

....

I HATE HOW I FORGOT ABOUT EVERYONE THAT WOULVE BEEN PERFECT
i settled for what came to me
and i was oblivious to who wanted me. & who i wanted.
ims tupid stupid stupid
its my fault.
&& i missed out.
i dont wanna lose it.
I odnt wann lsoe it.
i dont wanna lsoe it.
i lost it already
already ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6333423/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6333423/ Fri, 26 Aug 2005 11:37:16 PDT i hate them they are cliche. they think they are so great. and perfectr. & thin and pretty
well;; reality check bitchfaces.
your pretty short darlin;; no taller than me
and thinner than me? dont even think about it
nwo lets go by looks
ill admit i was jeleous at first
but bitch please.
im prettier/ ive got bigger tits.
&& i so have the look.
my eyebrows arent fucked up. my lips arent toohpick thin
i wear clothig with style.
i dont follow the rule book of every scene kid
i dont listen to taking back sunday on a religious daily base
and i dont brag about being so original just because i listen to bright eyes.
how pathetic can you be?
sure youve got friends; sure you made your own little;
'cult' and oc drama.
but darling;;
your a pile of nothing.
you all are.
i cant stand you
yet i want to be you ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6328434/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6328434/ Thu, 25 Aug 2005 19:57:38 PDT still
boys are awful
they hurt
he hurts
it hurts
it does. it realluy does
you odnt know what you do to me.
you dont. you dont
get over it. jo ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6251617/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6251617/ Wed, 17 Aug 2005 10:48:16 PDT call it whatever
its kinda like a realization
ill never get there.
im quite; ugly.
or so ive become.
and the stars dont even shine
he knows i exsists
oh yes he does.
but im nothing.
i gave uppppp
and i heald my head oh s tightly.
run away runaway
i need to just
not wake up ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6182240/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6182240/ Tue, 09 Aug 2005 20:34:07 PDT
You're living in a fantasy world.....
This Most Beautiful world

i hate htis. i hate this i hate this.
i hate how theres no reason for me to be happy. i hate how alone i feel. i hate how second to first i feel. i hate how used i feel. i hate how ugly i feel. i hate how last i feel. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
your your fualt.

but most of all
i hate this jeleousy.
u hate how i like him
and i shouldve reazlied// which i di
no hope no thougths for hope
monika talks out of her ass
:dont give up"
too late. i gave up moths ago.
ill always be last
ill never be first
im second best
second best
and the rest of the time
last.

<|3
i hate myself ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6181576/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6181576/ Tue, 09 Aug 2005 19:04:35 PDT im sick of always feeling like shit
i feel outrageously used. and forgotten. and your promoting this.
i wanna run away to a fairy tale
where evrything is perfect
and on second thought.
it shouldn be perfectt
but heart break
should be planned
because heartbreak right now. is simply awful
hearbreak in a fairy tale is perfect.
happy endings
i want a happy eneding.
i dont know why
i sit at 3 in the morning crying.
its such an empty feeling
to not have th eonly thing you want.
to know that
its way too fragil.
&& somethings wrong. i want to stop feeling like this
i want to run away
i want to run away to a little town. somewhere perfect
because im sick of feeling this awful
compare.
im ugly.
i just
want to fall in love.

see whats so great about it ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6145756/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6145756/ Fri, 05 Aug 2005 22:14:58 PDT







so I die happy.




this world is all about
who is the prettiest
who is the thinest
who has the hottest guy
who has the prettiest hair.

i dont want to have to compete

but thats life.

and it sucks.

you brough my selfesteem to an all time low. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6126952/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6126952/ Wed, 03 Aug 2005 21:39:13 PDT we are all sex. drugs and rock and roll.

i want to know how it feels to be good.

i want to know how it feels to have a positive out loook on life

to say "god bless you" and mean it

to look at the sky and belive that maybe; just mayeb there is something beyond that vast emptynes.
a place where;; there is a god.or lord. or stronger being that loves you.

theres is a girl that i envy
and its a fdiffernt sort of envy
not the envy.

where i want her looks.
or her boy.
or her body
or her drugs

but i want to feel like her.
i want to smile. and feel good. she sees god.
she is wonderful
i envy her talent. i envy her freeness.
i envy how she can be herself
an dnot worry about fitting in
:i listen to christian music on full balc and dance. and run i feel so free. and i kow that i love god- -"
i only wish i can be this way
buut my like is all about fitting in
and in my temrs
'not fitting in"

being someone.
and builing an empire of lust. drugs. sex. and a litte but if bad.
i hate myself for that

if i regret it now
ill regert it 30 years from now. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6126838/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6126838/ Wed, 03 Aug 2005 21:38:24 PDT
i like tarik.

now shoot me. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6126768/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6126768/ Wed, 03 Aug 2005 21:19:44 PDT why

why do i like thia boy.
ive always gotten the boys that fell for me
i never fell for them
maybe i wanan see how it feels to have that crush
that boys youve longer for
i wanan just see how it feels to
get what you want?
yea.
im an idiot.

love struck. and heartbroken. duh ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6113598/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6113598/ Tue, 02 Aug 2005 14:38:45 PDT
its funny to always see people ask me whats wrong. and it would be stupid of me to give them a whole list of silly meanigless shit. but i am sick of them asking. people care. people pretend to care. people/ act like they care. i toss you around;; i tossed you around. i reazlied it. i feel like shit and its simple. im good at hiding that fucking emo shit. its all in the fake smiles;; its not like they do anything. i cant even type without rethinking every word. every single fucking word. everything is so condesending. everything is so fake. something happened this year;; when i fucking changed and i beacme so fucking pathertic. its owuld be so stuopid of me to hide everything;; all my insecurities. in a couple hits;; and some shots. but what else is there to do. laugh it off and pretend i really do think im perfect; that im pretty that im thin. that he see's me as someone. but i dont veen wanna try. i never wanted to try. and im so stupid for letting something as that pathetic let me go. all i do is compare. compare. comapre. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6087779/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6087779/ Sun, 31 Jul 2005 11:07:17 PDT im little. id get addcited fats.
from what i know.
paul: just dont do it k?
you' should rather dig a grave.

i just want to lose weight. fast
and maybe have a 15 min of awesome there.
im fat. im ugly. fuck
i wont get addicted.
maybe if i keep telling myself that

if only weed made you annorexic.
id honestly rather be disgustingly thin;
than
what i am now.

and monika thinks she's 'so fat'
what a fucking bitch.

i dont know. maybe. i dont know.
im gonna be risking a lot.
i dont know. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6062012/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6062012/ Thu, 28 Jul 2005 21:16:14 PDT my figers burn and go in flow motion. a faint memeory of feeeling time go b y slowing. you tend to do it along.
"before you run u cant feel; it nd as you flys by yiu feel time slow down. u slow down" youe head makes tidbits of memeory. no cant thikn is fashion. and each finger take s longer to strike without the futeure belif of what is neext. i reazlied that they make me feel likee shit. they are ht eb ubzzkill because they remind me of jeleousy and envy. the are pretty skinny; and gorgeous; an dperfect bad girls. good girls. and whores. im notlike that ad it sucks. i wish tarik iwas mine but obviously icant do a shit about it; and only because of myself.
so i nevy them. and i wish. dok i dont know.
nonvirving. free. ugh. lsoe bitches. im jeleous.
well ill find a boy.
soon.
and thats done with.
just bit of planning left.
im not lame.
i need to watch family guy.
sweeet. boner ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6049814/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6049814/ Wed, 27 Jul 2005 15:20:02 PDT i dont know who he htinks he is.
calling all the shots.
thats my job. I say when it ends
but it wasnt ognna work
because ims till thinking of mr.asshole over theree

i guess it kinda hurts. a little. how he reazlied i dont habve the time,
he made me feel pretty dare i say
but
he made me feel liekshit too.

i talked to troy.
he's the only ex i can really talk to about everything.
he's my 'guy problem' boy.
he really let me reazlize that
relationships are sure as hell work.
and work is hard
and that
with the way i am
it wouldnt have wokred.

but i realzied.
i have a plan
funny saying its a plan.


I'll give it all

then.

i'll work fromt here.

its a good plan.
wel.
i just,.
want to win this time
i need to win this time.

sure ill neevr be what he expects
but
ive never lost beofre.
i shouldnt now.

what was it that troy sais
"youve got nothing to lose and the reward might be greater than the risk" ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6025068/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/6025068/ Sun, 24 Jul 2005 21:40:41 PDT it hurts having to hurt a boy every so often.
he's not right for me.
and im not looking for perfect

but.

im sorry.

i cant stand him.

maybe.
because part of me
is still missin
that mother fukin asshole.

i hate him. i hate hi, i hate him.
i hate how part of me likes him.
im stupid

im a whole nuch of stupid.

break me;; and tear me up ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5986527/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5986527/ Wed, 20 Jul 2005 12:32:33 PDT all i realy wanted was to be happy.
and this sounds so emo.
i wnated to find a boy to accually care about.

things just dont work out my way
im not ment for relationships.

im meant to break heat
and move on

whatever.
ill be fine.

why he cares about me
ill never know
im nothing speical
im nothing idffernt


im like a child.

when i cant have something[someone]
ill want it[him]
when i finally get it[him]
i dont want it[him]

<3 ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5961625/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5961625/ Sun, 17 Jul 2005 18:53:25 PDT im accually happy with him.
wow.
i hope things dnot go the way they usually do.

obviously i need someone that strives for perfection.

just to make me feel better.

time to go all through.

perfection

money

i need to change before school starts

i want everyone to say

"woah. theres joanna" ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5918547/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5918547/ Tue, 12 Jul 2005 22:46:55 PDT me+johhny.
i like him//
i like him a lot.
<3
he makes me smile.


kiart sill in back of my head.

johhny.<3 ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5893653/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5893653/ Sun, 10 Jul 2005 10:03:33 PDT i always am ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5871299/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5871299/ Thu, 07 Jul 2005 20:43:15 PDT kirat [i still cant force myself to say his name]
- well long story
yea; it was a joke.
but it makde me smilee
joe: yes. we should pick up girls tonight
kirat: yesss
[high five]
kirat: [looks at joanna] hey joanna

[sigh]
im silly.

but anyhooo
i think i likes johnny.
yes.
what can i say
he sure is cute
and adorable
and sweet
and
ugh
untouchable.
One of those boys that have girls falling for him
and he wouldnt ever stick with me anyhoo
bleh
its all swell.
it's what i get for being me. yo.
the end.
<3 ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5848060/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5848060/ Tue, 05 Jul 2005 14:19:05 PDT he seems wonderful. like;;
gorgeous.
and;; sweet
but i cant help feeling odd.
i mean;;
girls fall for him;
and throw themselves at him
but;;

yea.
yesterday was. wonderful.
no;; not wonderful
it was swell.
i mean;; i met new people.
drank.
totally fell in love with "the kr3w"
hookah-ed.
drove around in a crowded car with him by my side.
but
i felt so out of place;; when - ugh
something was wrong.

emma gets whoever she pleases.
whatever. ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5827230/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5827230/ Sun, 03 Jul 2005 07:42:25 PDT fuk all of you.
im perfectly happy with how i changed this year
and it doesnt matter to anyone but me
i might've screwed some things up
but whatever.
i'l fix them
i didnt get this far to have everything roll over and die.
but its the fuking determination// that i dont have
i lost some confidence along the way
they're just a bunch of plastic kids with fake smiles to hide their insecurities
and thats what they turned me into
the difference is that i could hide my insecurities much more well.
but its a bunch of bullshit.
i need to start all over.
well;; maybe from where i left off.
it'll be easier this time
when you're 7 all you care about is being the prettiest and most popular girl in the world.
when your 16 it doesnt change.

"lets not care what anyone thinks of us"

ugh. best decision ever <3 ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5812539/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5812539/ Fri, 01 Jul 2005 14:07:15 PDT i changed from being totally confident without a worry
to me
i mean;; its not like i choose to change
troy once told me that you could either change for the better or for the worse
just take a risk
fuking risks
they get me nowhere
and when they do get me somehwere
they get me in a deep hole.
fukers.
i remember when boys were like a project
choose one
and get him
it was so easy
but they're not projects
and i feel kinda bad about the hearts i broke
but i rather have my heart unbroken forver
i like it that way
but it breaks my heart when
he wont glance at me
i mean
i really like him.
but. im noone.
im "me"
<\3
this hurts ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5812182/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5812182/ Fri, 01 Jul 2005 13:23:48 PDT it just sucks.
i mean
am i polish & ugly.
im not emma.
that must be it.
): ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5780364/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5780364/ Tue, 28 Jun 2005 10:15:39 PDT i was emma.
what is it about her
she's so pretty
and everyone falls for her.

she gets the boys;; everyone wants
and just pushes them away
i just wish he would kinda notice me.
but thats too much to ask for.
whatever.
whatever.
fuk. you.

erik was right.
ugh.
i lose.
lose.
i just cant win

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5764887/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5764887/ Sun, 26 Jun 2005 18:40:13 PDT hide what i was acually trying to say
enough of that
i've liked him since the seonc i met him
it was silly;;
he was gorgeous. and girls threw themselves at him
i was.
me.
i was deteremined. i just wanted him i just really wanted him. i cant say it was lust. because i dont think i t was.
he was the first boy i couldnt get.
he was so far. he was too good. ugh.
"him"
and we're freinds. not best. i mean;; you cant really get over somone that easily. esspecally when you like them so much.
i dont think he cared
but. now i go to his best friend?
what was i fuking thinking.
i still like him. no doubt about it.
i do. i do. i do.
i like him so much.
not that he cares.
when erik asked if i hooked up with dan
then he said "but didnt you know [name] liked you"
i said no
he said it again
then quicly said he was kidding.
with ALL my heart i was hoping he wasnt kidding.
erik. i mean i look in his eyes and i pretty much only see
jokes. and such
but he proabbyl was kidding.
he would never like me.
why would he even joke around with that
i know he doesnt like him
according to that silly xang of his
he said he liked someone so much
i bet you dont know how much i wished that was me.
my heart skipped a few beats
and i just thought
why not me.
it feels so empty
and im surprised how i cant even type his name here.
i gues it feels
ugh
my own pathetic little journal
no one reads it anyway

i liekd him so much
<|3






kirat

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5761009/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5761009/ Sun, 26 Jun 2005 10:00:54 PDT i wont let this happen again
like it already did so many times
"only the best" "only the best"
ughh.
why cant i get him
he was really the first boy i couldnt get
and it hurt like bitch.
why. not me.
i just
just
just
envy so many people
ughhh
shoot me.

]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5718528/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5718528/ Tue, 21 Jun 2005 21:54:19 PDT i think i want to see what this
"love" is all about.
i wanna fall in love


i wanna feel wonderful with someone.
i see how everyone acts
and i've never felt that way


i asked rachie how loves feels and she said
" i dunnoo how to explain it
like anything can happen
and it would all be ok.
u can go anywhere
and its fun."

young and in love.
yea
right
me.
in love. :\ ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5718461/ http://flyingmagictoaster.deviantart.com/journal/5718461/ Tue, 21 Jun 2005 21:44:49 PDT is this me speaking.
me// me// me?
joanna
am i accually saying this?
because i think i miss you.
and i think ijust realized this too late
i'd take some time to thhink
and ponder
and you would be gone.
i dont. know. what. to do.
summertime
is suppose to be carefree
and im jeleous.
no
i cant go back to him
because
i need to drown in my jeleousy right now ]]> ~flyingmagictoaster