http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:glowingpeaches&section=today deviantART RSS for by:glowingpeaches en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:04:34 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/11469392/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/11469392/ Wed, 17 Jan 2007 11:21:33 PST
I guess I will leave up those pictures that have lots of favorites. I suppose... I suppose...

Thank you for all the favorites on the two naruto pictures, by the way. It is very sweet of you all.
<3<3<3 From me.


Later!! ^__^

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10826781/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10826781/ Fri, 24 Nov 2006 19:06:57 PST
1. On your plate, are you a...
a. mixer (stir it all together, eat it all at once)
b. semi-mixer (mix this together with that, those with these, but not all of it at once)
c. sepa-mixer (keep it separate, but pick up all on one forkfull)
d. separater (keep it separate, eat it one at a time but switch around - so peas, potatoes, peas, carrots, potatoes)
e. super separater (separate, and you eat and finish one at a time before moving onto the next)
-----extra, do you eat in some sort of method, with grossest first and sweet good later, or in clockwise order, or front to back, back to front... etc.?

2. When toilet paper is put into the thinger, would you rather it roll with the paper coming over the top, or underneath from the bottom? (over, or under)

3. And, to use it, do you fold it, or crumple it? (fold or crumple)

4. (men)Boxers, Breifs, or that mix-type thing that looks sort of like boyshorts?
(women) Do you put your bra on and clasp it in the back, or do you clasp it in the front and then turn it around on your body to get the straps on? (front or back)


5. Dark chocolate, Milk chocolate, or White chocolate?

6/7 (these go together) chocolate or vanilla, cat or dog?
(i.e. is your personality type a chocolate cat, chocolate dog, vanilla cat, or vanilla dog?)



"Yeah, the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and we're talking about toiletpaper."~ Uncle John




I'm super-separater, under, crumple, clasp in the front and turn it, milk chocolate, vanilla cat,

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10141339/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10141339/ Thu, 21 Sep 2006 10:10:09 PDT warmth, no not warmth
movement, no not movement
sparkles, no
no, not sparkles
the color of gold, brown? Gold.
Have to remember how to translate colors
Gold.

And a bright yellow-
and pale cerulean blue
In my back,
in my heart,
all up my spine,
and in that blocked place
it reaches in like that place doesn't exist.

You can't explain these things.
It's connected to something I've never touched before.
A fat pale root, reaching up into
a system that is far beyond
anything describable
with functions far beyond anything I could design.
It's beautiful.
Beautiful.
Powerful.
Indescribable.
It's written into your wings, into your hair
into your eyes.
It's you, it's something.
It's something. And it's you.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10119545/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10119545/ Tue, 19 Sep 2006 07:32:19 PDT XD We took pictures.


Did YOU talk like a pirate, today???

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10057603/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10057603/ Wed, 13 Sep 2006 07:02:12 PDT And if you don't know what it is, you probably don't.
But I super need one, and I guess if nobody has one I can have/repaint and stuff
I'll just go out and buy one. Whatever! But I thought I'd ask around, first.
XDDD

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10025672/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/10025672/ Sun, 10 Sep 2006 08:08:38 PDT I finally got my breath, and went downstairs and made chamomile tea with ginger to help my stomach chill out, and fell back asleep.

Woke up at ten, same thing happened all over again. So, i went into the shower and sat in there breathing steam until my dad came up to see why I was wasting water. He hooked up the humidifier in my room. Mom's going to check up in random times of the day to make sure I'm still alive, hahaha!

I'm just sort of... Shaken. I actually couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to die, I got dizzy and my eyes are hurting and my body is trembling. When I was coughing, I started praying because I was so scared- not of death, but just of the pain. I didn't want to turn blue and have my parents have to come up and discover me with a swollen face and my eyes bugged out already in rigamortis curled up on the bathroom floor surrounded by puke and saliva.
I was scared for my body, I guess.

I just want this to end. Mom's taking me to the doctor later, she thinks I developed athsma from my cough. I thought that three weeks ago, but whatever. At least they're listening to me now, which is better than never. I'm really sick of waking up with my body panicking. I know what whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I'd really rather give this body a good life before I'm meant to go, you know?

Anyway, back to the doctor again.

I'm also terrified for Dominic, because he just got a cough. I thought I wasn't contagious, now I'm worried that he's got what I have.
I mean, two months later, you're not contagious, right? I took azithramax a month and three weeks ago. I shouldn't be contagious at all, and yet brunette blue eyes people keep getting my cough. Rachel, and then Dominic- both brunette with blue eyes. My mom got something like it, but not exactly, and she's brunette with brown eyes. I'm wondering if there is a trend.

I joked with him last night that I have some new plague that's going to be a pandemic all across the US, and they won't realize it until suddenly I drop dead -then everyone will start to panic. Hahaha! That would be something.

I hope everyone's doing fine, I'd call and hang out but I'm not feeling up to hanging out, hahaha. Love to everyone!! ^______^








P.S. Dominic = <3 X 100,000,000,000,000,000,000

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9990563/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9990563/ Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:45:11 PDT KITATEOLIVERTHEPARROTBUTTONDOWNUNIFORMX1 0000ILOV
EAMANINUNIFORMLETSGETMARRIEDNOWOMGOMGOMG OMGO
MGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGYES!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!1!!!!!!ONE
!!!!!11!!!!ELEVEN!!!!!!111!!!!ONEHUNDREDELEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1*nosebleed*

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9964403/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9964403/ Mon, 04 Sep 2006 14:16:40 PDT the perfect application of the scientific method
crossed with the Universal Source- a part of the formula defined
First, identify the raison d'etre
by looking at all of your past at once, and finding the trend.
Your goal should be obvious.
insert God/dess here, here, and here.
prayer, and in the case of
the ego interference, trust
light, and calmness
you have to begin and end it with the willingness to be strong through anything and everything.
It's having a goal that is more important than living, like in V for Vendetta.
Without determination and commitment, you will never achieve the desired result.

Those two must be aimed with faith. They are the arrow, your faith in yourself and in your gods is your bow.

And you have success.


But that's all besides the point.
What's the point?



The point is
Wearing a blue dress in Sicily.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9882648/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9882648/ Mon, 28 Aug 2006 11:55:57 PDT It feels like this:
first, your throat goes 'blah!'
and your lungs try to get rid of the itches and gunk
so they start coughing
and then go athsma, so the cough turns into a gag
and your lungs close, so you're sucking trying to ge in air
gagging
and then you start puking.
The end.



So, the hospital it is.
Good, because the funeral was pissing me off.
And all the wankers and clowns going to it.




The cool part was that I'd eaten blueberries and my puke was hot pink with dark blue polkadots.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9875879/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9875879/ Sun, 27 Aug 2006 17:20:28 PDT I want to stop caring, because I'll be betrayed.
I can't trust friends. Can't trust the people I love.
Terror.

Thanks to you, I'm afraid of losing status. Thanks to you, I'm afraid of all these people. I feel as if everyone walking around me thinks something horrible of me. I feel accused, I feel like a salem witch.

And still, there are tiny seeds of love in that place.
Am I strong enough?
I don't want to suffer, when there's so much hate surrounding me, but I want to hold those tiny seeds of love.
Those bits of kindred, the one or two people whom I know I can trust. Those ones who know there's more than a kiss in the dark.
There's more than my body.
I am not a girl, I am a woman.
Be strong, woman. That's what I want to say to them.

Somebody stole from costuming. Was I blamed? I wanted to 'get in' with the woman working in costuming, I liked her a lot... Now, I feel ruined. She won't like me, now, will she? But I didn't do it. I didn't do it, but I feel like they're going to think it's my fault anyway.
They always seem to blame me, when I'm there. Where is the love? Where is the love?

Every time I move I've made a mistake, there.
Perhaps if I wait a bit, and come back later.


They all look away from my face too quickly.





They turn their backs so easily.



Jack is blind. He doesn't understand that not everybody is treated the way he's treated. He doesn't understand much of anything.
But he thinks he knows it all.
That's what pisses me off.
Ignorant, pompous ass. That's what I wanted to scream at him.
You were not the victimm.




I'm just a girl trying to find someone who loves me. I'm human, I have needs, I have feelings, I have a heart.

They all judge me so quickly because they were hoping I was going to choose them.
When I didn't choose them, I became a slut for choosing someone at all.
Fine. I am a slut.
And a bitch, and a whore. Call me that to my face.
I heard them judging my character, I'm not deaf. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid.
I know it.
Call me a slut to my face, and I'll take it and swallow it into my heart. Do it, I dare you. I'm not scared of anything but thinking you were really interested in friendship.
The only thing I'm afraid of is being let down.
Being betrayed.
Since I know they have no respect for me, I am not afraid of them. If I know they hate me, I can walk away easily.
But if one of them still cares about me, it's like a rubber tie around my ankle, continuing to drag me back.


I refuse to go to Fall Game.

You'd be lying if you said you wanted me to go
(unless your name is Mary or Kate)
(... Or Jack, but he'd want me to go for his own confused and nonsensical reasons.)


I want to say I'm never coming back.
But there are people I can trust there.
I've just got to stop being terrified, I've got to know that I'm not going to hear that conversation in the dark ever again.
Got to know that if something happens, and it's not my fault, you aren't going to blame me.
I can trust hardly anyone with that.


Hey, I'm adopted. I have trust issues.
I have a lot of trust issues.

Prove to me that I can trust you, and I will.
Betray my trust, and you'll never see me again.



I'm good at running away.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9788260/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9788260/ Sun, 20 Aug 2006 00:27:29 PDT
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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9775603/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9775603/ Fri, 18 Aug 2006 19:43:28 PDT
Today I found something really important.

I have to clean, because it's the right way to go.
Follow your heart, i want to go with-
no. I want
no....
I... Want...

look at all this precious stuff
star crossed... doomed to begin with

and the other one
I can't get your eyes out of my mind

This is an important letter... Why am I reading this?
Isn't my right. Allright, I'll stop before I read the whole thing.
But hey- those are harsh words.


The whole year is still black and cloudy. When did I get this letter?






I found it. It was different.
We're both scarred from our methods of getting to 'now'
but we are
quick workers, with one mind
mind to mind
I can tell him anything with my mind
do you know what that feels like?
to have everything validated
and...
to ask a question with your thoughts and have him answer it?
fascinating
exhilirating


mind to mind



mind to... mine.. this isn't mine.
not my letter
Curing upper respiratory infection
my body says 'give me more love.'
allright. more love it is.
more love more love more love
from who?
more love..

from you.
from who?
from him.
from which him?
all of them.
no, one of them.
which one?
from one. one. give me one, divinity.
give me the right one.
Mr.Right.








He was born
for me
born for me

born for me!

I was probably... made for him
made for him
made for him!

created just for him
those eyes those eyes they haunt every living
waking dreaming hour
those eyes
like...
like nothing I've known
or nothing I can remember at the moment
like him.
like him, like us.. like it. like this.
like what?
like what?


He just asked me what's wrong, I'm feeling confused, he knows it.
Of course he knows it!


He never lost the stone.










I found the stone.










You'll never bring me diamonds




I never wanted them. I wanted roses.
Pink roses.



Nobody knows what roses I really want, though.
nobody but...





But, that's a secret.



Dangerous. Dangerous.
This is where my heart goes. This is so much fun.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9771030/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9771030/ Fri, 18 Aug 2006 11:41:02 PDT I asked for a sign, they were the sign- his actions were the sign.
Allow for change, allow for change, that's the way to find happiness. That's the way for joy. That's the way to be the most help. To do your job.
So, I'm catalying a crisis. I'm making an opportunity.
Chakra cards "Reject with love."

It's mean to be, I'm strong enough to stand my ground.
This is right. This is right. This is the way to divinity.

I need someone who will allow me to be myself.





I am no petit gateau.






They're all telling me to keep it a secret.
Keep my holy creature a secret.


I don't know what I'll do with him..

But I know what I'll do with you.
"Reject with love."





You said you wanted to be my friend instead of my lover. Now is your chance. Will you take this with grace?
It was fast, I know.
I am a catalyst, what can I say?

Oh, but you never payed close enough attention to know that...











What can I say? What can I say?
You've lost your chance.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9716474/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9716474/ Sun, 13 Aug 2006 18:19:56 PDT
now I've got an inhaler, because I've started coughing up the lining of my windpipe and I need to stop! I'd wondered why I coughed pinkish...
and a humidifier in my room. yum. that one I might keep. it's really nice, actually.
first doctor said it was walking flu.
second said it was whooping cough.
either way, I'm not contagious because they gave me this random medicine. So no epidemics or anything.
Actually whooping cough is hardly a problem anymore, you know. it's not like anyone's gonna die from it like that. they just bust out this thing called zithramax or something and three hits of it and the illness is out.

not the cough, though.
bummer.

I drew a mermaid for dominic, today.
It's really pretty. I've only finished the lineart, but I like it a lot.
maybe I'll scan it when I'm done.
she's got much larger breasts than I intended.
no worries.

carribean blue by enya
is most definitely my new favorite song.
it's gorgeous. I can't stop listening to it.


sort of makes me think of Dom's eyes-
actually it makes me think of Dom a lot, in some sort of beautfiul fancy formal uniform thing- with little bits of gold and the shoulder things, like what treize wears, at a ball. He and I were talking about the balls in Sicily- they have real real balls, with the huge dresses and the grand staircases and waltzing and everything. I told him how I wished I could go see one, and...
Anyway, it makes me think of him at a ball..


I've had dreams about Jack every night. It's really nice, sort of scary and exciting. I dreamed that I woke up, and Jack had come to my house without telling me to surprise me, and I came downstairs and he was sitting cross-legged on the couch. I also dreamed about him in this grungy multi-level parking garage and we were fighting off these evil guys that wanted to do this thing to me that I'd seen in this porn the day before.
What Jack doesn't know is the surprise bundle I've been making him since ever.
I can't wait to see him, I really can't, even though he's going to be so stressed out and crazy that he probably won't even be able to talk to me all week.
I hope not, you know? I hope I get to see him all the time. And that he's in a great mood and feeling wonderful.
I've got a lot of surprise things planned for him.
Maybe I'll wait until Wayfinder has ended to give him any of the things I collected.
It doesn't matter, really. Eventually he'll get all my gifts.

It just occurred to me that I'll have someone to give a real valentine's day gift to. The way everyone hates valentines day for because they're lonely and bitter.
Of course, it's for love for everyone, to give gifts to all your friends whom you love and everything..
But.. It's nice to have someone precious to give a gift to.
And christmas, too.




Anyway.
I went to the hospital today...
It was kind of fun.
They did a blood test and took a lot of blood with this weird tube syringe, it reminded me of Una. I wanted her to see it. It was super cool.
My blood is really, really dark red.
Darker than I expected.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9682017/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9682017/ Thu, 10 Aug 2006 18:40:13 PDT
Wow, it took me like, five minutes to find where I go to write in my journal. Difficult!

I'm thinking of playing a boy at Finale. I've done all the games so far being a decently attractive female. Two as a beautiful goddess. I want to play a boy, see how that feels. Especially since in most games I shy away from swordplay. Maybe I should use the swords I made and practice a bit. I can be Kate's brother, or something, since Finale feels like they'll let us be at least a little free (within the criteria) to make up our own characters. I have no idea, since it's my first. But you'd think- I mean, since there's going to be everyone and their mom there, it's not like they can write three hundred character sheets with detailed background and all that. It's difficult enough with the about a hundred people at Advanced camp.

Don't you love the feeling of having eurekas about something that's been bothering you forever? I do.
I've suddenly found myself meditating. It's easy to meditate all of a sudden. I'm going to find a Shaman and train under him. Mum totally backs it up, she thinks it's something novel and exciting. But, I'm going to let the universe take it's time, so I might not find a Shaman to train under for three years, ten years, or five minutes. Who knows?
Things get easier and easier as you work at them. What's stopping you? That's what you gotta figure out. Don't ignore anything, find all the stuff you take for granted or the information you throw into the back of your head and scrutenize it. You can't get what you want because of this and that reason, well, find the reasons and fix them.

So, anyway, I found the reason for one problem. Now, I can fix it.

"What are your academic interests?" The colleges ask.
Archaeology, Midwifery, and Interior Design. That's what I put.
And then I drew lots of stars and flowers and people's faces over the form.

Bennington has these little bits on the wall in the admissions office, 'describe yourself' it says, and has a box.
Someone drew this palm tree, and wrote stuff around the box, instead of inside. Inside the tree, where the tree was, it said
"I'm clever as shit.
enroll me."

They got in.

My mom said "That's balls!" And then went on about how difficult it is for someone to say that, that it's dangerous and blah blah.
I figured I'd do it to some other college. See what they think.
I liked it.
"You've got balls. I like balls."
"Yes! We should turn around and charge them! I love your balls!"
Yes, misquoting Team America.

So I was on a tour at Bard, and this guy is like 'blah blah FOAM SWORDS blahblah." And I'm like "WAYFINDER!!!!!" And he's like "Wha?" And I'm like "So you played CTF, right? Who started it? Eh?" And he was like "Patrick." And I was like "OMFG I worked with patrick this summer!" And he was like "Where?" And I was like "Yo, he works at Wayfinder." and the guy was like "What's that?"
And I was like "They invented the game you played with those foam swords."
and he was like "Oh hahaha! Yeah, that's crazy fun!"
The end.

Small world.


And then I saw a random guy with a Wayfinder spear. It was cool. I was like "Is that from Wayfinder?" And the woman next to him was like "Probably!"

But I don't like anything at Bard except for their sports facility. And the nice archetecture. They're too obsessed with essays for me.
Bennington looked awesome as shit, though.

I think I want to go somewhere in the city, though. Isn't there any way I can get a medical degree without dissecting a corpse? Ick! Can we say terror?

I want to be a doula, in the end. And a yoga teacher. And I want to also get certified as a nurse. What else?
Do interior design, or something cool. And work in a museum. I can do it all if I want, and I plan to.
And whatever else happens to come up as awesome.
What do I go to school for? I guess medical training, that increases my payload, and you need money for food and living and stuff.

P.S.
Otakon was super. Parking in the city is the lamest thing ever. If you ever go, make sure you're loaded. Cuz life at Otakon is expensive.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9555765/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9555765/ Mon, 31 Jul 2006 15:07:03 PDT Except good. Cuz I like them.
But this is taking way longer than it should. And I've started cutting corners, which is bad...
Come on, Yuffie, don't fail on me now!!

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9534898/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9534898/ Sat, 29 Jul 2006 16:04:23 PDT So this is what it's like.
I like it.
I hate it, I hate it a lot, and never want to go back
and I like it just as well.

I took one hundred and fourty photos of just Jack.
Can we say obsession?

But I'm learning not to be so out of control.
And I've stopped taking that shit.. So..
It's looking up. Working toward the better.


Otakon will probably be fun.
Rachel gave me the sexiest dress I've ever seen.
I love everyone.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9223082/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9223082/ Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:06:17 PDT our bodies are on fire
melting, on fire
eaten away by flame
our bodies are soaked,
rained upon, soaked
our love washed away
swallowed by water
our love, set afloat
sailing on silver smoke
our love, all afloat
blown away by wind
our love, darkly covered
in the wet earth, beneath a rose bush
bubbled melted mess beneath the dirt
buried away by earth
all that remains
one tiny piece of ashes
wrapped in red satin, that of our bodies
bound in green thread, with
three rose petals from the bush
where our remains remain
this tiny rose, satin rose
will burn gold, the color of pure love
then turn black, enveloped in darkness
I will give you this rose
this rose, this rose is all that remains
your freedom
I give you your freedom
the spell is no more, the lovers have been disturbed
burned away, blown away, washed away, buried away
given away
you are free
no longer my thrall
you are free

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9098090/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9098090/ Sat, 17 Jun 2006 16:47:33 PDT
I would also like to actually draw some more art, but with my work, I'm not sure when and how I could do it. I sure hope that the only job I get is putting away books. That job- that's fun. I like putting away books. I feel like a librarian allready. Maybe that's what I should go into. Library. It's something good for a quiet girl, no?

Let's see. Clean and clean, that's all I have on my list. I guess I should start cleaning.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9069260/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/9069260/ Wed, 14 Jun 2006 17:34:41 PDT
The props are mostly for the cannibal fae - ish tribe. I have several wood-bead necklaces with bones and teeth that I made out of random clay and glue and paint and whatnot. I also have one mask that's a piece of a skull, and my baby-piece is a large owl-skull shoulder-guard type thing (It really won't guard against anything, but this is a game, so it'll work however it's wearer decides.) with feathers and a strap with a spell invoking the protection of Amon Ra in ancient Egyptian (in real ancient Egyptian, not just english spelled out- REAL ancient Egyptian. I can write in real ancient Egyptian. Yes, I can. So shut up.) All over the strap/buckle/thing to hold it on. It's connected to a black shirt that's all ripped because I figured it would be a piece for the desert-tribe.

Anyway, I'll post them as soon as I finish them. I've still a lot of assembly, even though everything's pretty much laid out. And I have more clay for more pieces once I figure out what Jack wants.


To Jack-
I have enough for three more masks or a bunch more bones, or another special piece. Right now, I'm woring on the owl skull. It's the most complicated because I have to attach all these feathers to the piece, and I didn't have the right shoe-polish to use on the faux-leather part, so I have to construct it differently. Shouldn't be too hard, but it means I'm down one hunk of the good foam.

Lucky I've got that huge old discontinued book that my mom bought off of an old monk for my birthday on reading heiroglyphs. (If that's not the coolest way to get a book, and the coolest sort of book, I don't know what is. Next to getting like, a book of ancient egyptian spells that actually work) I'm going to start actually studying that book for Egypt, dude. What do you think of that? By the time we go, I'll be able to read the walls in the pyramids!
That is, if I study.

Anyway, I've got a lot of cloth and a mass of tiny plastic ants for that bug-guy if you still want me to try and make that part... Gee, I should start him soon. I'm working on the skull now, though, and that's taking up my clothes form. I'm trying to strengthen the skull as much as possible, but if I make it too hard it won't be play-safe. No matter what I do, if someone falls on their shoulder, they are liable to break off the beak. Oh, well. Doesn't really matter. It'll prolly look just as cool without the beak.
Your game sounds like it's coming along great.
Email me. You're online now, reading this, so email me.
I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8938808/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8938808/ Thu, 01 Jun 2006 09:33:45 PDT
ANGER
1. With whom did you last get angry?: My mother. Anger is actually pretty good- and it's not a sin. Wrath is a sin, which is different. You can be angry and work yourself through it without hurting people. It's the acting upon the anger that is a sin.

2. What is your weapon of choice?: My Unsurpassable Cuteness.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?: With a sWord, perhaps. But no.

4. How about of the same sex?: Same deal.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?: Umm.. Zak, maybe? But he wasn't really angry. I don't know. Has anyone been angry with me? If they have, they've done an impeccable job of hiding it from me.

6. What is your pet peeve?: Bandaids. And Watching those oil-things that go up and down and spin that bit at the top. It freaks me out, man! I don't even know why- it's just so freaking disturbingly unnatural! AAH!

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?: I don't keep any unforgiveness for more than a day or so. I recover very very quickly.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?: Floss.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?: Eight thirty!

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: I can name a few for Jack... Nobody. Rowan, maybe? No. We're cool cuz I saw him a week ago.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?: don't.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones)?: Oh, god. No. God no!
Actually, once I did, yes. But that's because it was SO FUNNY!! It was about potatoes!! POTATOES!!! YAAY!!! I love potatoes. You don't even know how much I love potatoes.

6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?: Walking home on Thursdays. Like today. Or something.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?: My alarm clock is my mother screaming at me, and hitting her only makes her scream louder.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?: Water?

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?:Yuck

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one
sitting/outing/event?: I don't really like not being in control of myself XD. A whole bottle of Sake? I have a high tolerence for those kinds of things, anyway.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?: That's gross. Can't people control themselves by themselves?

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?: I'm very slender, Jack likes me how I am, I eat healthy... That's about it.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?: I like fish-flavored things.

7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, LUNCH?: Hahaha. No.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?: Two or three. Three.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?: One... Er.. Three. Except the first two were preoccupied with themselves and didn't really look. Four to a million if you count the times that I forgot to close the shades in my room at night.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?: Not really.

4. Have you done it?: Sort of.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?: On my person of choice, you mean, and in that case, his eyes, lips, hair, chest, heart, back, legs, dick, belly, rib-cage (HOLE!) and ESPECIALLY his SPINE!!!

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: I wish!!

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?: I'm getting tested, but I don't have any, because my parents didn't and I haven't gotten close enough to anyone to get it yet.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?: None. BEWARE THE CREDIT CARD DEBT!!! Aaaahhhhhhh

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?: Bookstore.

3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: Oh, shit. Go to every Wayfinder in one year. Or buy a house. Or BUY A HOUSE FOR WAYFINDER!! Yeah. I'd buy property for WFE.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?: Rich!!

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: Sure.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?: I stole a light-up dildo-shaped thing from Canobe Lake, which is so corperate it charges you for water!! It was disgusting. They deserved it.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?: Recently had them all deleted by mistake, but I had more than stars in the sky.

PRIDE
1. What one t... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8900363/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8900363/ Sun, 28 May 2006 09:25:28 PDT
Are you still weakened by the distance? I am just a little, because I've been trying so very hard to be strong for you. This isn't so bad, my love, think of the wives and mothers of War. Think of how little this separation really is, and think of how strong we really are.

Having things that remind me of you, now, are reassuring. They remind me that you're still somewhere, that you love me, that I love you, that you'll come back eventually. That I believe that you can find what you came to find there, in the most beautiful and positive way possible. Does it need to be an adventure? Then make it one! Find an adventure. Walk into a tunnel and don't stop walking, find someone you don't know, somewhere strange- and learn them and follow them, find someone else, make it like a videogame or a movie, make it what you want, don't waste time missing me.

Don't waste your time missing me. I'm still right here, and I'm inside your heart. And you're inside mine. There's a very small fairy-Lydia sitting right there inside your heart egging you on in a tiny singsong voice. It doesn't matter what happens, as long as you're happy, remember? You want to be happy.

I want you to be happy, too. I want to be happy, so be happy. I've done a wonderful job being happy even though I'm waiting, you can do it, too.

See? See, everyone? Lydia can follow her own advice. It might take three or four days, but she gets there. I practice what I preach. I've forgiven London, and Scotland and Germany and France and the Count of Monte Christo. Actually, I love France. I love French everything, especially French Cursive Writing, which is a strange thing to like, but I like it.
French cinema, and French bathrooms.

And angry French men yelling about a car accident- like the time, Fran told mam and me about, where these two men crashed and started yelling at eachother, while Fran watched from a bench or somewhere- and one man finally just screamed (in french) "And CUT YOUR MUSTACE, YOU LOOK LIKE A COCKROACH, SIR!"
The sir at the end is the best part. "Monsieur!"

Funny, you're online, but you probably won't read this.
Oh, well, putting it out there is good enough for me.

If I had a daughter, what would you want to name her?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8877430/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8877430/ Thu, 25 May 2006 19:30:59 PDT I heard from Joe, that you went on in a cafe, so I wanted to leave this here so you can read it. If you ever go on in a cafe again.
Call me. I miss you. I want to talk to you, please.

Your mother has been leaving messages on the machine, saying "If Jack calls you, tell him to call home!"

I never really told you that I believe in you, but I do. I support you. I'm elated- especaily since I heard (from joe) that things are going mostly well! You can call me, you know. Call my cell, I get out at 4:15, That's 10:15 london time. Or, call me in my morning. Which is 12 to 2 london time. Call me in your morning, when it's late at night for me. Do you remember the number? My cellphone number? Did you bring your cellphone?

You can do anything. Free across the world. Can you even come back here? Getting stronger and stronger. You can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone, start anew a thousand times. I love you, I love you, you're free, now. I can't even imagine how enlightening it all must be.

So, I'm holding the fort. Guarding the castle for your return. Being strong and happy, though I've only just gotten to the happy part. I was miserable for all of tuesday. And then, I decided that the best plan of action was to try to induce a coma and not wake up until after you'd returned. Then, I decided to firebomb london on the 22nd, just to make sure you come home, haha. My fear is that you'll be too free and wild to ever return to little old me, but more than that fear I'm so glad that you're having such a wonderful time. I keep imaginging you full of light and freedom, with the world moving all around, with gold in your hair and fire in your eyes, seeing all sorts of amazing things and feeling like the universe really belongs to you.

I saved the message from Tuesday. I've listened to it way too much to be healthy. And I've showed it to any victim who happens to cross my path.

I love you, too. I'm waiting for you.

I'm afraid to ask if you'll still ever come back to me.

It's a very crossed-up feeling, when I think of it. I'm willing as much joy and happiness upon you as I possibly can, and all the while I'm wondering that if you are so happy, what if you just decide to never return? What if you return, work the summer, and then leave again for good? What if you can't love me anymore, what if you're too free to ever settle with someone whose been locked up in a house her whole life and doesn't even know what the world looks like? That's what I'm scared of. It scares me like the dark.

But.. That's the vulnerability of love. And I've got to trust you. We trust eachother, right? And I do trust you, and I believe in you. I believe you, and I believe your lips. I trust you, I trust you, I love you.

So... Think of me as sitting with the light like the old man sees in Amelie after she walks him across the street, smiling happily when I think of you and how awesome it must be for you.
Actually, I was with Connie today, and she was doing healing for stuff. Like my fears. Which I'm working on. And we were doing stuff for you just in case, and she goes "He wears a hat often, right?" and I'm like "A top hat." And she's like "Yes. And there's something around his neck. Big and round, like a medallion."
What do you think of that? I couldn't wait to tell you. But, you're so busy, I guess I'll never get to tell you in person. Hahaha.

Truthfully, I'm very very happy. I miss you, but I'm happy. I'm so overjoyed to know that you're having fun- doing well- feeling strong.
I miss you, though.

keep having a great time.



Shit, I need to keep talking.
I miss you like forever. I think, this is the place where you are strong and I am weak. You can go, do, talk to people you don't know- you can do what you're doing, hahaha. And have wonderful movie adventures.
I can't. I'm too shy, too nervous.
"oh, no!" Like a girl holding a frog.




I don't remember what I wanted to say to you. I love you. I need you to call so I can tell you I love you again, just for fun, you know? Just so you remember that even though you're the on-site commander, you're not the only commander. I'm the home-base commander. We're equally as important, and sometimes, we like to communicate.


I'm going to be out this weekend. It's Anime Boston.
Call my cell anyways. I have it on me at all times, now. Just in case you have the sudden urge to call.


I've forgotten the point of this letter.
Oh, well. Have fun in London- er- Scotland!
I love you! I totally believe you can do whatever you want to do! I believe in it, I believe in you, I believe! Go, go! Do it! You're free!


Your darling back at home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joi... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8876911/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8876911/ Thu, 25 May 2006 18:34:30 PDT
Favorite Color?
Pale hot pink and midnight blue together, or chartreuse

Favorite Food?
to jesse: Potatoes.
to everyone else... Macadamia Nuts

Favorite Movie?
Amelie, the Twins Effect, My Sassy Girl, Everything is Illuminated, The Fifth Element- anything I've watched with Jack.

Favorite Tv Show?
Whatever is on, since I hardly watch it. That crappy cartoon one about the kid who can turn into a phantom. Danny phantom. Yeah, cuz I saw it more than once. Or Foster's home for Imaginary Friends. Cute kiddie shows. Yep.

Favorite Drink?
Water

Favorite Flavor of Ice Cream?
Peppermint.

Favorite Animal?
Ocelot, Snow Lion, Jaguar, Unicorn, Frog, and Dragon. And Jack+Coffee.

Least Favorite Color?
That's a racist question. XP. I don't like those dull industrial paint colors (they've been getting better as of late, though) but the colors that are often painted on cinderblock-brick buildings, that make that smooth-over-bumpy shiny pattern.. Eyuck.

Least Favorite Food?
Beef. Often smells like ass. Though, most meat does. And it rots in your intestines. I don't appreciate eating things that rot in my body because they take so long to digest. I eat easy foods. I love my body. And my body loves me back.

Least Favorite movie?
Oh, man. You know what movie I hate? WHITE NOISE. That movie was the WORST THING EVER.

Least favorite Tv Show?
The News. And anything angry and degrading. And soap operas, and fear-based reality shows.

Least Favorite Drink?
Anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup. It's disgusting, poisonously unhealthy, and it's in there because the US overproduced corn and had to do something with the surplus.

Least Favorite Animal?
Leeches. Any sort of creeper that is parasitic and latches onto you or goes into your skin. TICKS. OH MY GOD I hate ticks. And fleas, but mostly ticks.

Least Favrite Flavor of Ice Cream?
The kind with chunks of ginger in it. It makes me want to puke.

Hair Color?
Very Dark Brown

Eye Color?
Blue, with yellow in the center.

Skin Color?
Pale Tan



Do you...

Have any piercing’s ?
Two on each ear, and my bellybutton

Smoke?
No. It smells bad. And I don't trust myself with weed. At all.

Do Drugs?
Not really, I'm just not really into it. I have more exciting things to do with my time.

Drink Alcohol?
See above. And if I do, it's classy alchahol. Beer just grosses me out and tastes like death. If anything. I'd drink Sake or one of those super-disguised things that you can hardly notice you're drinking until you're blacking out on the floor (like that really good pink thing I had with Dara in Florida way back when.)

Have any pets?
One Beautfiul Large Ninja in Cat Form named Duo.


Which do you prefer...

Hugs or Kisses?
Kisses from Jack, and those cute child kisses I get from kids I nanny. Other than that, I don't like people touching me. Especially hugging or kissing me.

Chocolate or Vanilla?
Niether. I hate sweets.

Straight or Curly?
Straight. Or gay, really, it doesn't matter. But Straight.

Messy or Neat?
Neat living space, messy working space.

Black or White?
White.

Soda or Water?
Water and a half.

Coke or Pepsi?
Eyuck. Don't you people care about your teeth?

Tea or Coffee?
Tea for me, Coffee for Jack.

Café’ or Bar?
Café. Like Amelie, or Tokyo Mew Mew. Cafés are so much more romantic.

1 or 2?
2.

Mom or Dad?
That's just not fair. They both have their perfections and faults.

Cartoons or Anime?
Oh, definitely anime.

Loud or Quiet?
Quiet.

Music or Tv?
Music

Night or Day?
Night Music. You can't find anything as beautiful as Night Music.

Family or Friends?
Define them. If by Family you mean Wayfinder, then Family. If by Friends you mean Wayfinder, then Friends. If by either you mean Jack, then Jack. Both. I have a strong loyalty and sense of duty to both. They're both precious to me.

Cats or Dogs?
Cats. Dogs are hard-bellied like a swollen corpse. Cats are soft and fluffy. And you don't know shit about cats until you've met Prince. Then, you can understand what cats are like. Prince is the god of all cats. He'll make you a cat person forever.

Long or Short?
Last time I chose Long, someone made out with me for longer than I could count under a table. I was five... I didn't understand what lon... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8861877/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8861877/ Wed, 24 May 2006 08:42:56 PDT Peanut Butter

2. Do you have any style icons?
Mother. WhaT?

3. Whats your skin colour?
Yellow-white-gold. Not as gold as Jack's, though.

4. What colours do you like to wear?
Bright greens and yellows and whites, and some pinks, fresh like spring.

5. What do you like most about yourself?
I'm pretty, and very open and loving.

6. What colour eyeshadow do you wear?
If I do, it's usually just a result of my getting blush-happy. If I wear makeup at all (which I usually don't.)

7. What colour are your eyebrows?
dark brown

8. Do you keep your armpit hair?
Heavens, no.

9. If someone hot asked to see you naked for $200 dollars, would you show them your assets?
No.

10. Whats your cup size (If female)?
D. Almost DD. 34 D.

11. How long is your hair?
A little past my chin

12. Which family member do you look like most?
I'm adopted, and I don't look like my adoptive family. I have my birthmother's face, but she's a large black woman- and I don't look like her at all other than that. And.. I haven't seen anyone else from my family.


13. How long do you spend in the bathroom?
As long as I possibly can.

14. Do you walk around your house naked?
When nobody's home.

15. Do you dance around your bedroom in your underwear?
Oh, yes.

16. What part of guys do you like the least?
Wow. Um... When they're really obviously into your body, and are trying to make a move and cop a feel- like, they look you over and get close with that gross smile like 'hey, you look like a good fuck.'

17. What part of guys do you like the most?
Beautiful, honest people.

18. What annoys you about guys?
See 16. When they're manipulative, and that angry-abusive thing a lot of guys do.

20. Describe your figure:
Perfect.

21. Describe your ideal man:
Jack.

22. Do you like men with beards and goatees?
I hate facial hair, but I don't mind on Jack. Mustache hurts my face, though. So... Chin hair is allright, but not above-lip hair.

23. Do you like guys who are small in *that* department?
Really doesn't matter. In fact, big can be painful. So small is usually more beneficial.

24. What would be one of the things important to you in a relationship?
Trust, honesty, loyalty.

25. How do you rate virginity?
Not important.

26. Are looks important?
Vaguely. People have tons of different preferences. It's nice if your someone you love doesn't like, have the absolute opposite of your preferences- but if you're strong enough, nothing matters. Only love matters.

27. Would you do topless modelling?
That part of me is precious to me. No.

28. Would you get your nipples pierced?
No.

29. Whats the best word to use: sleep with, shag, fuck, sex, make love:
Whichever one suits the situation.

30. What is your best feature:
My soul.

31. What is your least sexiest feature:
What? Nothing! Every part of me is beautiful.

The Stupid Ones

32. Are you looking for a partner right now?
Never.

33. So you dont have a crush on anybody?
I have Someone.

34. What celebrities do you think are hot?
Milla Jovovich. Jack and I agree.

35. If you could look like any celebrity, whom would you look like?
Nobody. I like myself.

36. Green apples or red apples?
Red.

37. Lights on or off?
On. Scared of the dark.

38. What time do you go to sleep?
9 or 10 when I'm tired, when Jack calls, 3.

39. What TV do you watch on Fridays?
I Don't watch TV

40. Are you still friends with everyone at school if you have left?
Not really. They're closer to eachother.

41. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
My mom.

42. What annoys your friends about you?
I'm obsessive. I talk about one thing for like, weeks, and can attach anything to that one thing.

43. How high do you play your stereo?
Mark 23.

44. What colour are your curtains?
White. With a pretty curly valance.

45. What make mascara do you use?
that's really bad for your eyelashes, and mine are black and long anyway.

46. Where do you buy your clothes?
Everywhere, usually Bebe and Bobs, or I make my own.

47. What are you thinking right now?
About this movie they're playing in my class. It's really interesting. ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8743494/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8743494/ Thu, 11 May 2006 19:11:43 PDT 300.90 Unspecified Mental Disorder (nonpsychotic): Enough information available to rule out a psychotic disorder, but further specification is not possible.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
Wires behind the computer

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
YANKEES V REDSOX

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
10:00

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
9:50

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Game Announcers

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Leaving the bus to walk to my house

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Kyo's of this

9. What are you wearing?
Grey and Dark Grey Pajamas.

10. Did you dream last night?
No. Didn't get enough sleep to dream.

11. When did you last laugh?
Today, when Zak and Andrew were using my camera to do the documentary on the mating habits of Matt

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
29 post-its, a don't-smoke calendar, corkboard with lots of crap, musical toy SOUNDWAGON box on a shelf with a printer and lots of casette tapes and the LACIE harddrive, a smaller shelf with a HMO blue and all of our hospital crap and a basket, a larger corkboard with a map of the points and meridians of acupuncture, a ladder behind the doorway, two drawings by my dad, a photo of a flower, a painting of a wolf, a little paper thing of a wolf I made when I was l ittle, a valentine I made with my mom for my dad when I was little, a blue-ribbon that says #1 Dad that I made when I was little, a large art of the Medicine Buddha, a han ging plant, a photograph of two puffins, a set of shelves withi my dad's yoga and my mom's psychology books, another shelf with more crap on it, a basket with envelopes, a third corkboard with random bits of paper on it, and a large mexican blanket.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Set some Ammonium Dichromate on fire.
That stuff is the awesome.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
My back hurts.

15. What is the last film you saw?
About this amazing photographer woman who took the most poignant photographs I have ever seen. And I'm an ass when it comes to art. I hardly appreciate anything.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I'd buy amnesty, safety, and freedom for every single one of the victims in the Sudan. (If you don't know who they are, you disgust me) And if there was anything left over from that, a lovely cottage for my parents to retire in, a house for me, and a flowershop and seeds for me.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
Griffin's name is spelled G-r-i-f-f-i-n.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you change?
I'd make Original Play manditory by law.

19. Do you like to dance?
Yes.

20.George Bush:
Hahaha. Any of you mainstream media fuckers see the Colbert Report at the White House Dinner? That was beautfiul. Absolutely beautiful. All the right-wing media (i.e. all of it. period.) refused to cover it and cut it out of their reports. Hahaha. LOSERS.

23.Would you ever consider living abroad?
God, yes. I'm hoping to. Egypt, in fact. Next year, I'm going.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"YOU again? For crying out loud, if you show up again, I'm going to fire you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8711825/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8711825/ Mon, 08 May 2006 15:17:05 PDT What would happen if I wasn't planning it all? If I.. Just went and did without worrying about my future? Would it still be there? Would I still have options?
Could I survive?
I could always survive, I'm not on drugs, my only needs are food, water, and warmth. If I lost money, I won't be struggling so hard. I could take the clothes on my back, baptise myself in the frozen river every morning.
A life of poverty, I could live it. I hardly notice when I haven't eaten in days, I could handle it.

Always afraid to be forced to survive what I know I can, always afraid to step out.
Have you ever noticed how often people tell you that you can't do things? How often you get caught up in the media-created ideals of getting a job, a house, a spouse, and then sitting there in your house with your spouse and never going out to experience life? How security is so important, that you build little rows of picket-fenced cages, and march off to your school/job/duties every day, without questioning...
Without stepping outside, without realizing
how much more there is
how big the world is, and how
you don't have to follow the rules, not like that,
no.. you can be free.
You can go, experience.. You can live off the land and travel the earth...
Nothing can stop you.


Yeah, I'm inherently idealistic, but doesn't it make at least a little bit of sense?




So I hate those stupid people who say "you shouldn't elope, you won't survive! you'll be miserable!"
No. You'll have something. You'll have stepped out of the small pidgeon-hole rules that you're currently buying into. Stepping out means enlightenment.
Of course, you can just study and study, get a job, make money, buy a house and a car and raise a child who will do the same- but you'll be remaining ignorant,
you'll only be a half person, with a half life..



I think.. I already knew all of that. I did before he made me realize it. One of those things always in the back of your head, and you just need the right circumstance to let it out. To let you release it into the world, instead of hiding behind the ideals superimposed over you. To stop worrying, stop straining to fit into the cast.

"Once, I went to Europe dead broke..."
Beginning the story of an adventure.

I realized how spontaneity is key. You can't plan it, because then it's not what it is. You can't think too hard about it- you just have to go, do it, experience it... And come home before I come to slit your throat.

I want you to watch the movie Nobody Knows. Not with me, I don't want to see it again... But...
The richness of survival.





Those people who tell you to try hard to make it far in the 'world' are the sorts who don't know the world for what it is. They don't understand about living- that life is an art, not a struggle. You can't make standards for living, because living is beautiful no matter how you do it. I'm going to live in a small apartment, and sell flowers to people, sit on the tiny balcony and paint pictures, sew hats... I'll make just enough to buy food, pay the bills.. Later, I'll have a kid. The kid can hate me, or love me, leave me, or stay taking care of me forever.
It doesn't matter. It'll be beautiful.

No matter how someone lives their life, no matter what their choices, they're beautiful. Their life is beautiful.







Oh, Darling, if you only knew all the things you're teaching me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8706042/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8706042/ Mon, 08 May 2006 00:22:56 PDT
I've been a little anxious lately, mostly because more work is coming up- and that I want to dearly to go with Jack to London... But I can't go where he's going. Not yet, anyway. Not until we're ready for that. Now, he takes the journey alone.
Later, I'll be there to protect him with my fertile goddess, mother-mary powers. To cradle his head between my fingers and sing life through him. Let him be strong and protect me, let him be a warrior so I can be his thrall.

Now, we'll have passion for passion, and let it bond us tighter and tighter- and have absence and absence, and let our hearts grow fonder and fonder. After that, the future is at hand.

One more year, and we'll have a future.
Now, we just have our love. Playing the roles right, girl for girl, boy for boy, but it doesn't matter. In all reality, we're beyond...
In all of the moment, I know we'll survive.


Having faith makes all the difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8706004/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8706004/ Mon, 08 May 2006 00:13:11 PDT
1. Jack con el Guitarra
2. Mantra Girl
3. Deva Premal
4. Dervish
5. Ayumi Hamasaki

5 Favourite movies

1. My Sassy Girl
2. Fifth Element
3. Twins Effect
4. Peter Pan (w/ jeremy sumpter)
5. Any Monty Python

5 Things that scare you...

1. Deep, Dark water
2. leeches
3. ticks
4. heights
5. losing an appendage

5 Things you like the most...

1. Jack
2. Talking with Jack
3. "You're so beautfiul!"
4. The City at Night
5. People I love sans Jack

5 Things you don't like...

1. Deserters
2. Cowards
3. Armpit Hair
4. Bandaids/Stickers/*dies*
5. Liars

5 Stupid things you have done

1. Ran into the cieling.
2. Kissed Jack in front of Wayfinder people
3. Snuck off with Jack conspicuously and got us both in sort-of trouble.
4. Talked about him too much
5. Been jealous

5 Important things in your room...

1. PHONE
2. Portable Sewing Beast of Super Pwnage
3. Clothesdoll that's exactly my size (YESSS)
4. Photo of Jack
5. Green Walls

5 Random facts about you...

1. I'm a Horny Fucking Bastard
2. Jack.
3. Good singer, good dancer, just good all around
4. Continuing to get better at Nice High Status
5. Makes Good Housewife, But Beware Of Red-Lipped Communist Assassin Alter Ego

5 Favourite drinks...

1. Water
2. banana strawberry smoothie
3. PROTEIN DRINK CON EL SOY TO THE 1000000
4. I'll leave this one blank and you can make up a scandalous liquid to insert in.
5. Soy Milk

5 People that don’t deserve what they have...

1. Ungrateful attention-whores who whine to get love
2. Their friends
3. ... That's all I got
4.
5.

5 Things you want to do before you die...

1. Jack
2. Silk Road
3. Egypt
4. Kwan Saihung's Master's Hidden Island off the coast of China
5. Seven Chakras of the Earth

5 Things that attract you to the opposite sex...

1. Is Jack
2. Long hair
3. Soft, dark eyes
4. Sweet, sort of shy
5. Passes the tests of illness

5 Things you say the most...

1. I like you
2. I love you
3. You're hot
4. Thank you
5. Jack

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8491237/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8491237/ Sun, 16 Apr 2006 16:27:27 PDT is to have someone
who you can trust
with your heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8460821/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8460821/ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 16:09:54 PDT Another perfectly orchestrated
divinely guided
situation

Flaxseeds help your skin
retain water, which gives it that
healthy glow
as well as almonds, and fish

I don't like almonds, and fish often isn't so tasty
But flaxseeds.
In cereal
That's good.

And milk
I'll have you know
takes on a whole different taste
when sipped from a wine glass
I completely reccomend it

You want to tell them
that what they're doing
will shorten their life
but they don't value their life
because they're not doing anything good with it
so they don't care
if they die
early

You want to share
the milk from the glass
the milk of the heavens,
a secret
that you find
simply divine

But they don't want to hear you


You used to curse that fact
silently
you used to wish
for someone
who you could tell anything to
anything at all
Yeah, there's the someone...

And you think..
You're strong enough
to heal, now.
Yeah.
You can heal people, now.
You've realized
that you've made it
far enough
to start saving souls.

Curandera.

Some might say
that a city-born curandera
has no magick
that she cannot possibly
be a curandera
if she hasn't learned it
the way the shamans in the jungle learned it
but she's learned it
because the magick in the jungle
and the magick in the city
is the same magick
and she's got powers
just like the curandera of the jungle


Back then, you'd thought
that once you made the breakthrough
you'd scream it
for miles
tell everyone
"I've done it, can you see?
Everything I told you was real
and now I'm reaping the benefits-
you can, too! Let me teach you how!"
But once you make that first beautiful breakthrough
you realize
that only your life is your own
that all you can do is love
love, heal, love, heal
you aren't here to change minds
you're here to smooth
the path
invisible
selfless

Curandera of the city
hair wrapped, knee-length denim skirt, button-down sweater
black sneakers
stockings
with a pink rosary in one hand
and a smudge-stick in the other
Curandera of the city
with a cellphone in her bag
and a pair of powerful wings at her back

Twiddling her thumbs on the bus
and healing everyone within ten feet
simply by thinking
and twiddling her thumbs

Not spouting it
not telling the world- this is not the way to do it
Quietly loving
living a normal life, quietly healing behind the scenes
her mind is connected
connected to all
and you wouldn't know it
except for the way
she draws you
with her big soft eyes
you can sort of sense the light
but not entirely

The curandera isn't going to tell you
because it's a level of existance
beyond words in your language
but the Curandera is healing you
always healing you

Quietly healing you
giving you miracles

She's not like the jungle
she's much more discreet
subtle and beautiful
her eyes turn
and you feel like a smile
She's not like the jungle
you do not vomit out your fears in her presence
she quietly undoes them
and you hardly notice
how light you've become.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8451453/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8451453/ Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:36:40 PDT I'm writing here just because.
Because I feel like it.

I cried again.
Dishonorable.

It's funny, when you want most to be strong
you turn out to be weaker
than you ever were before

and you tug at your discipline
you've got to be disciplined
and still
your throat is choking
and your eyes.. are hot,
and there's tears
why are there tears?
Dishonorable.

Stupid.


And I know that this is stupid,
don't tell me it isn't
because this is hardly a problem
we've got next weekend, remember?
I can stay an extra two hours
tops
so you've got two hours
to make it up to me
got it?

I want to make friends at Wayfinder, Jack
and with you, I'll get preoccupied
like I did at Thaw Game
that's what I had invested in this weekend.
Was coexisting
but... It's not so important
I mean, like I said, I'm still alive.
Like I said on my blog.
Blogs.
That' such a gross word, for a gross thing.
So far, it's filled with you.

Guess I've been preoccupied, huh.

I still have faith, though.
Remember, I'm the angel.


But still.. It's strange
I'm a strong person
a really strong person
and in this case, I'm weak
not weak weak, but weak
that I can't hold anything
and I can't stop anything
and...
I mean, I let go-
and I let go- and it's like that-
and this is just a stupid moment
of weakness

Jack, you said "You never tell me what you're afraid of."
I've told you so many things, Jack.
It's all I do is talk and talk, haha.
But I said
"I'm afraid you don't like me
and that I'm wasting your time."
You said something confused.
And non-comittal. About how you wouldn't call me
if I were wasting your time

Jack, thousands of boys have called me
and called me
and called me
you've got to do better than that.

But you don't want a commitment
And if I want it, I'll just scare you away
Jack, what do you want?
Do you want me, or not?
Make a decision
I'm tired of sitting and wasting energy
holding close to you
and waiting
and waiting
for you to decide
if you really want me or not.

If you don't want to hurt me
like you say you don't want to
then make up your mind!
God, just make up your mind!
Stop thinking about your God-damned fears, Jack
There's more to life than fear
and you can't find that more
unless you GET OVER you fear.
The fear blocks the way
and when you let fear stop you
you're nothing but the walking dead
so
get over the fear

I'm not saying to love me
I'm not saying I need you
I just want to know
if I can
ever be allowed
to need you
and if not
then fucking tell me now
because if not
then...


Then...









Fuck this.
I don't know what I'm talking about.

My strong intution told me
My shamanistic powers of divination told me
And angels told me
it would work out.
I trust them more than your words.
Because they see further than you do.
So believe me.
This can work out.
I'll make it work out, as far as it's meant to.
And you,
if you like me
and you're not just saying kind words to avoid
the hurt that comes with 'confrontation'
then you'll fucking make it work out, too
and be strong
because it takes two

to flamenco

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8419705/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8419705/ Sun, 09 Apr 2006 16:44:52 PDT so.. I moved all of that to
[link]






That way...

You can see it there. Instead of here, and so will probably only look if you're very interested.



And knowing you all.. None of you are going to look.



Hahaha..
Well, at least Kate and Mary will know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8409660/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8409660/ Sat, 08 Apr 2006 16:07:47 PDT before the Faces,
before school started
we were all still interested in the world.

There was some magick
some binding circle
a ring around us
that we all held

and then one, another
left the Dancing
no more Revolutions, no more
quesadillas
no more nachos
alchaholic concoctions
drinking games
movie marathons
sleepovers
parties
hypnotism

no more face squad-
no, the boredom has set in
the anger
the days when we could just walk together
and that would be enough
because we all loved eachother so much
have ended.



our civilisation has finally fallen
to the hands
of pettiness
and greed
and selfishness
and foolishness




but hey, that's how adults are, right?
Petty, greedy, selfish fools. Just like us.

You've made it to adulthood.


Congratulations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8399951/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8399951/ Fri, 07 Apr 2006 16:38:34 PDT
Though the ruler over the kingdom below her, the princess remained 'the princess' to everyone, not a queen. A queen could become corrupt- whilst the princess remained pure and just for all time. Below the mountain, surrounding it like icecream around a dropped cone, a beautiful city-town had grown, with piers of pure gold and many fountains full of diamond water. Plants grew, lush with fat green leaves, beautiful trees and large fragrant flowers.

Her people dressed colorfully, with long flowing robes woven in the most beautiful patterns any child could imagine. They danced, sang, and always had enough food to share. Love happened every day, every moment, and filled the air and smiles everywhere. The people lived honestly and happily- and on the rare occasion that a disagreement occurred, the princess would settle it in a way that both parties were pleased.

The people never ventured past the borders of their city, though. Beyond that, the forest reigned- full of wild creatures and wild magick. Though people could use magick inside the town, it was easy to control- used for small things, to help people through their lives- and nothing like the magick in the forest. Few had decided to explore into the forest on the mountain- never to return. The only person who passed along successfully was the message-carrier from the Princess's castle. Though sometimes asked, the messanger would never speak of how she travelled, or what she saw on her way.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking "Yeah, nothing that great lasts." But I'll tell you- this city still exists, and is still living beautifully, healthily, prosperously, and happily to this day. It's lasting. Happiness can last. You've just got to have some commitment to being happy. The people there know that. But, I digress.

Now, it happened one day that a strange traveller appeared at the gates to the city. Dressed in dark leathers, and black cotton, the traveller intrigued the people of the city immediately. They quickly welcomed him in and asked all about himself. He refused to speak, though, keeping his eyes hidden beneath a cowboy hat and his jacket pulled tightly around him. At his side, he carried a sword- and when he pulled it out, it showed many nicks and stains from use. The people had no reason to use swords- though making them had become an art- and so many of them wondered aloud as to how he had managed to give the sword such a beating.
"Fighting." Was his deep-voiced reply.

Now, as it always is when travellers come to isolated towns, many of the girls had quickly fallen for the mysterious charm of the rough-handed, nearly-silent traveller. They brought him gifts of all sorts- flowers, food, clothing, trinkets, anything they could make or find. One even presented him with a new sword- which he turned down, politely.

The traveller remained, staying in one of the city's lush hotels, until one day- while sitting in a resturaunt, someone mentioned to him the princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8357298/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8357298/ Mon, 03 Apr 2006 19:11:56 PDT
Lower-middle class, white, female, with Jack, Casey-Una-Chanel-Taka-Kyuu-Brianne as a pack a pod and a unit, the Descended-From-German-Royalty patriarch, the polish-jewish-brooklyn-built matriarch, a teenage semi-virgin who knows what IT's about but refuses to be involved, a shaman who is an intermediate at banishing spirits in the Name and Power of Jesus Christ Vanquisher of Evil, who has undergone a death-ceremony and killed their ego once before by way of a walk-in soul-exchange (or soul uprising, who knows?), with a flair for chemistry, a dash of clothsemaking, emotional hypersensitivity, memories of atlantis, and their name on a codex buried under Egypt.

I want to say... We ARE falling apart.
Why are we jealous? I have to put myself in context. If... If Jack decided he was attracted to Kate, and they started dating....

My first reaction would be to kill myself, hahaha. Kidding. I think I would feel jealous, but I would have the mental training to overcome that. I've been disciplining myself in that manner- in emotional control- for a while. I would know that if it were meant to be with us, it would have been, and since it isn't, it isn't, and then I would move on. I'd be sad, but I'd move on. Because I'm still alive, I'm still kicking, there's so many more beautiful people in the world, and I'd walk with the pain and choose to be happy anyway.

I mean, I've had that happen.. How many times? Young Sup, Louis, Eben.. Oliver, Andrew, even a little bit of David.

The unhappiness....It's the victim mentality- that comes from the ego, which is only detrimental. You think that you have no control over your reality. You do. Not that you can say WOOSH and everything will change for the better- you can't change anything but yourself. You can, though, be adaptive. You can be strong. You can be disciplined. You can be loving even in the worst of times- and that's something that will define you beyond the basics. You Can Change Your Outlook No Matter What Is Going On, and there is no excuse not to. Except that your ego is stronger than your lucid mind, your heart, your soul, your unconcious and subconcious, everything else about you.

Of course, I'm so happy, who knows if I practice what I preach, right?

After two weeks of being told that I would get tired of him, I've been sticking around, because my outlook is different. Hahahaha..

David's been hell lately, I don't know why he's so upset- is he jealous of Jack? He loves his girlfriend, so that's not it. He said he was angry about making the ride back to school. He didn't want to come back, and that pissed him off. Sure, everyone was pissed off today. You should have seen the rehersal. That wasn't entirely it- but he never tells the whole truth when it comes to his emotions. He tells you half of it, and hides the rest. Martyr Syndrome, Sadomasochist Syndrome, or he's just really, really shy.

I can't help someone who can't tell me what's wrong. All I can do is shine as much love as I possibly can at them- so that's what I've done. Shine as much as I can to him.

Of course, Jack's been such a big part of the shine... David said I was gloating. He must be jealous, if he's seeing gloating. I just kept telling everyone- go to wayfinder, it's a wonderful place full of amazing, wonderful people! I was so happy- I know you will be, too! If you proclaim your love for something, you're not gloating- you're doing something the opposite. It's humble, and it's beautiful- it's saying "I think someone else is beautiful, I think something is wonderful, I want you to feel the joy it's made me feel." That's not gloating. David's just jealous.

Yeah, because when I talked to him, he said that my description made him feel inadequite. He's JEALOUS. Of what, I don't know- he says his girl is wonderful and clever, funny and beautiful... And he sees her more than I see Jack...What's he jealous of? There's something extra that he's not telling me.

That's just his ego, man. That's the whine-in-the-mind ego. Feeling sorry for yourself, on any occasion, is stupid. Hard not to, some... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8342081/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8342081/ Sun, 02 Apr 2006 10:05:16 PDT
Made me believe in angels more, because my hand was right up there, cuz I was plugging in my glue-gun, and it exploded all around and all the burning sparks of death managed not to hit me. Miraculous, haha. I like to believe in that sort of thing, it feels joyful.

It's nice to believe in miracles.

But, anyway, I went to plug in the glue gun, and the wall exploded. Kind of scary! Kind of fun. Except that I really need to use my glue gun, and that's the only plug near the table. I'll have to find an extension cord.

I'm making a fae costume. One, for King Richard's Faire, and two- as something pretty to have to use in case of Wayfinder. XD. And, because I love to play dress up, sooo much.

I want foam. I want to make PROPS. That foam is so perfect for making cosplay props, too. I'm excited. I have to find somewhere to order it from.

I feel better each time he calls me. Like... "He's still there! He's actually calling! Maybe it will work out!" And, also, it's getting sunnier and warmer, like Spring is apt to do, and with the sun and warm I'm starting to feel more... Good. I like the spring. It's my favorite time. It's also lover's time, I remember thinking that last year, seeing all these new couples emerging from the winter. Spring is romance time.

I have to get a job. I want to do $1,500 worth of wayfinder, plus Otakon, plus life. I'll get a job. Jack's job sounds really cool, but that's another story.

Dad's re-named Duo "Purr-butt McSquintey."
Just in case you wanted to know.
Oh, speaking of that, I took a picture of Duo sleeping- I'll upload it now. It's marvelous. My cat is the most mad-skilled sleeper ever. Look forward to it.




Gotta draw more stuff from that thing. I have so much to do, today! I need new books for my new classes, clean my room, make my schedule (FORGOT over vacation. I was preoccupied, though.) Get that disk in of the thing that was totally due two weeks ago (oh snaaap), and do all the fun things I'm doing no matter what.

Spring cleaning, I guess I'll call it.



















Duo's started licking obsessively again. I think this time it's because of allergies, though. The first window opened of spring, and he walked by it and sneezed. Twice.


Mama was mad at him yesterday. She sat on the couch, and he sat on the top against her head, and started licking his ass. Half sitting on her head, licking and licking. It was hilarious, but she was pissed. She eventually pushed him off- but once he starts, you can't stop him licking.. Haha... Yeah.



I'm tired, but I also think I've got a bit of a virus or something. I think I'll stop being tired once school starts. Hopefully.
I wish my play was over. I haven't learned the music, yet. And I'm supposed to have learned it. I was counting on the birds wearing masks, so I could just not sing the chorous parts at all.... Didn't work out. I am, by far, the laziest person in this production. Good thing nobody's noticed, hahaha.


Back downstairs, now. I think the first coat of paint's dried. Time to paint more!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8307424/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8307424/ Thu, 30 Mar 2006 11:00:00 PST 9 Firsts...
- First Best Friend: Patricia Hannet.
- First Imaginary Friend: Fatreena, skinny green tomboy alien. She was awesome, man.
- First Pet's name: Dexter. That was also my first word.
- First Piercing: Ears. Four years old.
- First Crush: I guess it was Stephen.
- First CD: EEhh... LUNAROCK or Spice Girls
- First School: Arlington Childrens' Center
- First Kiss: Stephen Hannaford, under the table, when I was five and he was five or six. With tounge, too. Yep.

9 Lasts...
- Last Time You Smoked: BASIL... It was before the winter. Also the first time I smoked, the only time I smoked...
- Last Food You Ate: Oh.. Yogi Peace Cereal, maple walnut something.
- Last Car Ride: Ah.. Going to SAT yesterday.
- Last Movie You Watched: Dragon Half, with Rachel
- Last Phone Call: Dad calling from work to ask if Mam remembered to leave me the check for Connie.
-Last CD you listened to: Truth, Mantra Girl
- Last Bubble Bath You took: Month ago.
- Last Song You listened to: Flamenco Wind, Esteban
- Last Fight: Mam, last weekend, about SAT class

8 Have you ever...
- Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: Mm....Nope.
- Have You Ever Been Arrested: No.
- Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yep! In a Jacuzzi, no less!
- Have You Ever Been on TV: In like, 3rd grade. Haha. On the local station.
- Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Heavens, yes. But not recently.
- Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: Never.
- Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: No.
- Have You Ever Been out of the Country: Yep!

7 Things you are wearing...
-Victoria's Secret Pink Underwear- the bakini kind with two straps on each side.
- Capri Jeans
- Ankle Socks
- black bra
- white sweater
- beige bandanna

6 Thing you've done today...
- Scanned a picture and put it on DA
- Sighed and wondered about Jack
- SAT class
- Ordered a new sewing machine
- Began to construct the Pip hat, as well as work on some other junk I have on my big list downstairs. That includes making a Super Sailormoon cosplay, and working out how I'm going to make Materia for the Yuffie costume. I've two prototypes so far- they need to light up, since that's the light up prop of my Yuffie costume. Come to think of it, I need to paint Seras' gun. That lights up, too, you know. It's got a blue light... Oh, goodness, talking too much.
- Read through more old stories that I had meant to delete, to find the next one I want to illustrate
- played dress-up

5 Favorite Things (no specific order)...
- Green Tea Mochi Ice-cream
- Peppermint Smoothie (was that it? Or Peppermint Milkshake?)
- Diving Dolphin Dual Entry Silver and Black.... >_>.... <_<.... Erm.. I mean... Bananas.
- Jack
- Wayfinder

4 People You Most Trust (no specific order)...
- Mam
- Jack
- Casey/Chanel/Una (they're one unit, just so I can fit them, mmkay?)
- Mary


2 Things You Want to do Before You Die...
- Fall in Love.
- Work at Wayfinder.

1 Person You Want to see
- Jackkk!! He's SO FAR AWAYYYY TT____TT


7 People Who Should Put This In Their Journal
** Whoever
** actually
** likes
** surveys
** or
** read
** this <-- Same, Chanel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8304074/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8304074/ Wed, 29 Mar 2006 11:32:00 PST New Hobby.
Yay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8298958/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8298958/ Tue, 28 Mar 2006 20:16:13 PST
I want to say how I feel again, will this keep happening? Will I have to hide what I wrote, again? I don't like to hide, but I do it a lot. Did you know it? You intrigued me- with the concept of Status.

How about this. What I do is put myself in a medium high status while acting like nice low status. You hear words that a nice low status would say, but I understand the energy play enough, or can feel it enough- that I can say that and cause your reaction to put me into a higher status. For instance.

"I like to speak with you."

"No, you don't."

"What!? -------"

"Haha, you're so cute."


Did you notice that? I'm manipulative. Did you know that? Oh, I hope it'll work out-













If God gave you a seed, would you plant it? Or would you forever worship the un-developed thing, leaving it to dry up and die in some hidden darkness in a holy building? Would you claim to follow it truthfully, or would you actually take it and let it grow- and see what it was exactly that God had given you?
















It's hard to confess how I feel.























I'm going to practice letting go, today. I'm going to delete every story I've ever written.
Or at least a lot of them. I'll save V-a-m-p-i-r-e, the Dark Horizon Trilogy, and some of my long-crack-freewrite stories.














I.....


I'm as confused as you are, I want to say, but I don't know exactly how confused you are. I feel... Like you're something, but I can't express it- no, maybe I'm not in love with you, yet. That's what you said to me. I'll say it right back, okay? We'll be equals. I want you to leave your old relationships behind, though. Don't think about what happened then and apply it to here, because she and I are totally different. Sure, we're from the same state... That's as far as I want it to go. That was her, this is me. She likes open relationships- that's a noncomittal relationship. She didn't commit to you, she grabbed you for a while and it strained your spirit. Or at least from what I hear.

I can't do that. If I do, tell me. I wouldn't. I'm the opposite- I'll be comitted to you for as long as you'll have me. That's not a nice low status. That's a nice high status. I'm giving you myself, from a high status. It's possible, okay? I'm doing it right now. Now, be a nice high status and accept me for the time being. You can do it. You were high status when I first met you, and then suddedly it dropped- when you realized it might be a relationship- you said "This always happens!"
Don't ever say always. Nothing is ever the same as before- so nothing is always. This has happened once before and you let it wound you very deep. Imagine me saying this from nice high status. It's got different energy play, better energy play- and put yourself in nice high status always around me, okay? Let me heal the wound, and do it right. Alright? You've had the mistake, and now you know how to fix it- and if you don't, just trust yourself. If you make another mistake, that's fine. I trust you.

I've thought a lot about the status thing since you told it to me, last night. I recognized the movement of power in any sort of interaction- I've even learned how to tweak it and play with it. Notice it. I've never given it a name, and when you give it that name, you have much more power over it.

I like that. Thank you for that information. It's helpful to me.

..... Now that I think of it, do you read these? I'm not sure you do.
Oh, well. It's nice writing it.




In love, you can be vulnerable high status. You can be both- I've just figured it out, because you gave it a name for me. It is mixed into everything. Haha, you're right, Jack. You're so smart.

You tried to lower your status by saying that I only like you because the other guys were jerks. That's absolutely untrue. I told you of my past two mutual love experiences. That leaves out everything un-mutual. It leaves out Oliver, Magenta, Kate, Eben, Andrew K, Sonya, Aryn, Andy, Scott, Evan, David, Colin, Zak, Jacob, Young Sup, Gwam, Louis, Andrew M, Donovan, Jake, Nick, Nick, Nick, and Nick. I've had many people that I've consider... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8287975/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8287975/ Mon, 27 Mar 2006 18:39:23 PST

.. Later.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8245072/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8245072/ Thu, 23 Mar 2006 10:51:33 PST
What do you want to do, now? You can do anything. Will you teach? Will you heal? Will you lead? Will you follow? Will you pray? Will you leave? You have choices, now that you've made it past the darkness. You have a future full of light that you can see, that you can make.

Keep it close to your heart by letting it go, keep it deep in your spirit by releasing it, you know where your heart lies. You know how to find your spirit. Can you find it in others, now? We think you can. Have faith in yourself, have faith in your power to create. Have faith in your power to grow, to expand the universe in the most perfect way.

You have a focus point, in yourself. A diamond, a crystal, glowing with light so strong, you can touch it. It's shining out, thorugh every pore of your body. It's glowing inside you- it's glowing outside you. It's your reality. It's your existance. It's your sat nam. Your music, your sound, your heart beating, your voice singing...

We know you've been looking, perhaps he feels as if he's touched something beyond him, you think. Perhaps, but either way, you can love him. You can love everything. You can and you do. You love everything, you experience everything, you've finally reached that point. The words you kept so close to you for all those years. "Once you've seen the face of God, you see that face on everyone you meet."
Once you experience the Universe, as one, you remember that moment forever- you can experience it forever- you feel it deep within you... I know I have so much more to learn.. But I have learned so much already.

I can touch the sunlight.







He is part of the final realization, he's my special one. He's afraid that we'll grow apart- afraid that I'll become hurt, he'll become hurt. I'm never afraid of that. I have faith in us, and I trust in him. I trust myself with him- the first person I've trusted myself with completely. I have faith that we can stay together for as long as we want to. If we separate, then that is the way of things. I can accept it. Right now, I love him, and I will always love him. I can accept my love for him.

Once you can let go of your inhibitions, restrictions, and just feel.. Once you can release everything, release your future, release your past, release even the present... Once you can live for the sake of living, release the material world, release your body and your thoughts and your primal urges, once you can release it all... You can find your truth.

You can name your truth, but your truth will always be beyond names. Your truth lies deep in the atoms of your reality, deep in the heart of the creator, deep in the center of the universe. It's in your highest chakra, it's the thing hidden farthest within your heart. Once you know where to look, you're on the path to finding it.

I believe that I'm on the path to finding it.



And he, he is, too. On the path to finding his truth. Everyone is. Life is. The universe, a collective loving entity- we all are. All is..


I feel peaceful, today.











Release your worries, sweetheart. I'll be strong for the both of us. I'm your angel, remember? Whatever happens, I'll have touched your heart- and touching your heart is the most important thing.
Keep our secret close, darling. Ssshhhh.....

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8233705/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8233705/ Wed, 22 Mar 2006 05:35:19 PST
Your highest standard is out there waiting for you. Go find it. Go reach it. Touch it. Get the best you could possibly imagine, because it's there.

There's a gorgeous extacy in finding what you've been waiting for. The term 'my entire life has led up to this' is a true term. I can look back, and every word and phrase, idea, everything led up to this. When I was ten and wrote "I'm the lover of the devil" on my wall, and scared myself at an older age because I thought I might have cursed myself. When I went to an angel workshop with Una, and beside my angels I saw a boy, with long brown hair, and he said his name was "jaque." Everything. Everything led up to this. He's the only one I can kiss without retching afterwards. The only one. After him, I glow, I feel wonderful. He may not know how amazing he is, but I intend to show him. One day. I'll prove it to him.

You can lose sight of what it is you want, but when you find it, you realize. You can see Heaven's- the Universe's- perfect plan. You can see how perfect you've made your universe, and you have what you've been waiting for.

It's a gut-extacy, your body trembles even hours after the realization. You can feel gold, flowers, beautfiul colors and patterns- some of them colors that you've never seen or felt before- rushing through your entire body, and all you can say is "Angels, take this joy and send it to him. Let him feel even more wonderful than I'm feeling."

Settle only for the best, that's what I can tell you all. Settle only for the best. Raise your standards as high as they can go, and someone will come along and meet them.


"I'm sorry, I've been talking to much- you must be so tired-"
"No, it's alright. I am tired, but I like to hear the sound of your voice."

He's everything I've ever dreamed of.







Haha, I hope I don't scare him out of his mind writing this.
I haven't used the L-word yet. I want it to be special when I do. I want the word to mean something, you know? I want him to notice when I say it.





He gave me permission to go on old WFE galleries and collect every picture of him that I can find, so now I'm going to go do that.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8226027/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8226027/ Tue, 21 Mar 2006 11:01:44 PST
Oh, well.

At least Clinton convinced her to send me to Spring Game. And I'm going to New Moon, too.. And, if I can score a ride, Otakon. I hope that I can get people I'm seeing at Otakon to come to Anime Boston, too. Have faith, give trust, be neutral. That's my internal law. If you're neutral to the outcome, then no matter what happens, you get what you want. That's how I see it.

Maybe if I offer to house them, they can come for Otakon.
Mam said I can house anyone I want who went to Wayfinder. Clinton made her in love with it. I told her I'd cut the Panama trip in senior year of highschool, if I could go to wayfinder over the summer. I'd rather be with wonderful people there then with the angry kids at my school in Panama. And Wayfinder is closer than Panama. And...

Yeah.

Now, if I could only remember the name of that other guy.. Who wrote his number on my hand only for it to be sweated off. I feel bad. I want to call him and say that I can prolly come, but I lost the number. I'll have to ask Jack, if he ever contacts me again.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8142752/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8142752/ Sun, 12 Mar 2006 18:59:36 PST
Experiencing any sort of traumatic or adventurous event deepens the bond by a great amount. Get lost with your lover often.

So, we're bonded, is that it? I went with him, we walked back to somewhere, off to somewhere, towards somewhere- who knows? I haven't the memory. He had a green denim jacket, but it was also gold and dark brown camoflauge. He had on dark brown pants, and light green camo simultaneously, as well. The only thing that remained as one thought were the combat boots. Yeah, I've got a thing for combat boots. He had military-cropped hair, but also had a shoulder-length white-blonde ponytail. Eyes shifted from an angry brown to a soft, gentile blue. He was cool either way. We had to go to the top floor, to deliver his mission report. I'd be a military wife, I told him, and he slid an arm around my waist. Headquarters looked like a K-nex creation, spraypainted blue and silver. We had to take an elevator to get there...

But somehow, on the way up, a bad guy broke the elevator, and then we were beneath it in the shaft, climbing down by holding onto the silver poles on all four sides. He was below me, and suddenly the bad guy passed me. He jumped over me, moving fast like an angry tarantula.

I couldn't see far down the shaft, didn't know what happened, except that when we reached the bottom, the bad guy lay broken and dead, in a pool of blood, at the bottom of the shaft. It was bothersome and cumbersome to step over him.
Then, we entered a glass room built on top of another grassy knoll, but then we were outside talking to other people as well.

I could see cute little bunches of men wearing light blue, running in sets of three lines. Hudda-hudda-hudda they cry as they run. Keeps them moving as one, in unison.







Colors: Cheerful, kind of pastel-ey green and blue.

Researchable Themes: Military, men, blood, dark small passageways, climbing, love, 'unknown person,' falling, romance, 'bond,' sunny, cheerful, feelings of safety, feelings of love, feelings of happiness, blood, death, glass, messy room, person talking to another person who isn't you, good weather...

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8092732/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8092732/ Tue, 07 Mar 2006 11:31:18 PST Though I'm making one for the contest, as well, so I'll at least get something done. When does class end!?!? At 2:30. It's 2:19. I refuse to wait. I REFUSE. And I refuse to do any studying for this stupid thing, now.

I mean, really, the case I have to write Legal Breif for is totally stupid- it's about some kid that wanted to print something in the school paper on how to use a condom. And some Parent association got him in trouble for printing 'obscenities.' Even though it said that fifteen percent, in a recent poll, of the kids at the school who were regularly having sex were using any form of contraception whatsoever.
I'd just say that joke, that my mom says. "What do you call a couple who uses the 'pull out' method?....... Parents." And it's not promoting sex, it's telling the kids who don't know anything that the least they can do is do it right. But... Whatever.


And I'm listening to X-Japan which makes matters much more difficult.

It's now 2:23.
What should I do to pass the time...

Seven minutes and counting, soldier.
Where are we going again, captain?
Don't you listen? You stupid kid. We're being dispatched Into the Woods, in the land of Robin Wood the Woman of the Theater.
Shit, Captain. I'd rather work on court cases.
I know, soldier. I know.



It's 2:30.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8015296/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8015296/ Mon, 27 Feb 2006 06:36:38 PST
I mean, in reality I'm not horribly scared, but creeped. And it's a lot more fun to be like "EEeep!" than to stomp around being brave. I think I would, maybe, if I tried hard. I've never had a situation where I had to be brave- just ones where I could get away with being lazy and letting someone else protect me. LAZYYY

David and I hugged and made up, today. I feel very much better. That takes my list of people-I-don't-want-to-speak-to down to two. Two is better than three! And I respect David. "I'll walk with you." He said. "And plus, I have to redeem myself." That started the conversation. He's a very frank and endearing person, and stumbles through kindness in such a sweet way. Wonder how he and Sarah are turning out....

The old silent movie Nosferatu- next to the fact that people on set went insane and they made a movie about the cast of Nosferatu and ppl in it going insane- the movie Nosferatu, which I had to watch for my Expos 2 piece, is hilariousl. Next to the hideously ugly vampire that's just so funny..... The whole thing...


...Yeah.



I highly reccomend it.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8001580/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/8001580/ Sat, 25 Feb 2006 17:29:24 PST
Nobody can save someone, but that someone.

It's good to help people- but in helping them, be neutral to their being helped. The harder you try, the more you're allowing the possibility of failure. Realize that it's impossible to fail, that no matter what they will be saved, and they will be saved.

You have to try, because if you don't try, you're being selfish.

You have to want to help them, but you have to know that they are helping themselves- you have to know it, because if you are trying too hard to help them, you're assuming that they can't help themselves or be helped.

You have to give no power to the un-helpedness, so you have to know that they are safe, loved, and saved. You have to be grateful for their enlightment, their grace, their beauty, and be grateful that they are finding their path to the future, to their inner light.

Meditating on that, focusing on that, and seeing that in them will bring them closer to that. That is what you must do. The way to help people is to realize the reality that they are perfect, and already helped. That they are miracles, that their lives are miracles. That is how to help people.

You can do things that you know will help, of course. By all means, devote your life to it! But it's the knowledge that they are being helped- the knowledge that you are doing something right- the knowledge that they can and have found joy in their lives- that's what's making it real.

Yeah, that's what I believe.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7982397/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7982397/ Thu, 23 Feb 2006 15:48:21 PST Yes, Brain Thoughts. Thoughts in my brain, as opposed to my left foot. Yes. Sometimes I think there, instead.

Let's see if I can get my act together.




Okay. Thought one.
What do I want?

I want to be able to help people.
i want to do that, because I'm afraid that
if I don't, I'll be punished to spend a hundred million years
as lava in thebowels of venus
if I don't.

I want to be happy, so I want to help people.
It's selfish, if I think about i t
and I want not to be selfish-
see, it's an endless circle.

I want to be selfless,
but I'm not sure how to go about doing that
I feel like that's the best sort of person-
someone who loves selflessly,
can love people without stupidly hanging on to people
as if they 'love' them so much they'll die without them
love isn't need
it's given. you give love.
You can only give love.

I mean, I've been pretty jealous lately
and by 'pretty,' I mean 'severly'
Hell, I'll be disgustingly honest.
I've been trying to figure myself out.
I like girls. I got that much down.
but, I also love boys- not like that, but love them.
I love David, and he totally betrayed me.
He told me he would rather I pretend not to know him
in the presence of his girlfriend
because she's more important.
What kind of bullshit is that?
So, I reacted.
Yeah, I reacted.

The way I felt was
that if he really cared about me as a friend
he wouldn't have done it that way
he would have respected my feelings
and he said it was about 'not being three'
as in he grouped me in with her
which suggests (Among other things he's told me lately)
that he was attracted to me
and that means that he only spent time with me
because he was attracted, and that he dropped me
like a piece of meat, when a better girl came along.
which totally insulted me.
So I reacted.
Yeah, I reacted.


I mean, it's like that song in Into the Woods
you find what you want, and you take it
you get it and you keep it


you can't be entirely selfless, when you've got an ego.
You know what I mean?
You can't be so selfless, that you cease to exist. That you become
an invisible ghost serving people invisibly. Suffering invisibly.
Of course, you could enjoy serving.
Then, it's getting too complicated.
I like making people happy, I like sharing my joy
that's why I always seem to let slip spoilers, because I want to take part in the joy that I can see coming- I want to be a bit of that.
Yeah, that backfires.
But well-intent is the important thing. The desire to help is important, and that sort of desiring to help is real desiring to help- not wanting to help in order to stop my fear of being a lump of lava for eons of time.
Real wanting to help.
That seems to be my consumption. It's like I'm living in a constant tea-ceremony.
And I try hard, but not much gets done and people don't notice my trying, because it's such a constant that it becomes invisible. You know?
And then, I crack. Break. Burn out.
I can't help one more inch.
And people get angry at me, like I'm suddenly getting selfish
or I get angry at myself.
Most likely both, and more of the second.
But then I fight with people.
And I blame them for being so ignorant, that they didn't see me suffering.
Not like I'm any better, I try to see it in them, and help them
but that doesn't mean I succeed.
And I feel like nobody's trying as hard for me as I am for them.


That's the same root of the feeling of sickness that I get, when I get too close to people. Did I ever talk about that? It's like a 'true love kiss' syndrome. Every time I kiss someone, I get physically ill. Not like Una's uncomfort-
like I get nauseous. That's what broke up all of my relationships. And when I start chasing someone, I ususally stop because I get close enough to have that feeling (that just happened recently, actually. With a kid at school, who I decided to chase and then suddenly got too close to....) Sometimes it's a hug- sometimes it has to get all the way to third base before it happens. It's weird, but kind of useful.

Self-analysis aside, it's the same thing. That feeling is like, they just want something physical from me- they're not trying as hard to understand me in obsessive detail as I am of them.
Not saying that I succeed, again. Nevertheless.

I want people to realize what I can do. I want to be noti... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7974822/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7974822/ Wed, 22 Feb 2006 18:54:32 PST I wish I knew what they know.
I'm stuck on the outside.
How do they get their hair like that?
And lips?
And eyes?
I was taught by the best.
And still I can't do it.
Can't keep it on, keep it there
I'm never good enough for me.
Or them. Or you.
I'm taller than you,
you can't love that.
Can't love what you look up at.
The boy is supposed to be taller.
I wish...
I wish I wasn't massive.
I wish.
I wish I could be happy.

I wish that I could dance.
I wish that I could sing.
I wish a lot of things.

Hahaha.


Why try so hard to smile, when you just want to cry?
So cliché a phrase that no-one hears it when you say... It.
Sometimes, it hurts to pull your lips into a grin and
when you grin it feels as if
your face might rip
your eyes might cry
your tears will show and they'll all know
and you'll be fucked.

Because they're waiting for the drama- when you give drama
they give you drama
and make it drama
and then you're fucked.

'Cuz then you'll say what you don't feel - or what you feel -
and you'll be mean
and they'll get hurt
and it will all be your fault.
Yeah, it's always your fault.
No-one really cares what happened.
As long as they have you to blame.

There's no escape.
What I can't say shows on my skin
I broke out in four places, in just an hour,
just past dinner
rash in four new places
on my face, and on my arms, and on my legs, and on my back
my skin says what I know I can't, I will not say, I'll just endure
I'd rather be what you act like you see than say a word.
Just a dummy.
Just a doll.
Just an object.

Let's pretend to not be friends.
Because I don't mean enough to you
for you to think and really care
about what I think, or if I care

Don't boys understand?
I thought that part was simple.
And he told me he didn't believe that girls
read more into things than boys.
He proved himself wrong, why did he even argue?
He proved himself wrong all by himself.


Irony.
My favorite word.


...Actually, my favorite word is 'compel.'



I haven't seen them in so long.
Well, since last week.
But, that's real long, cuz we didn't talk much- and we don't connect much anymore.
I spent the whole time worrying if they had a good time.
Probably not. I'm not much fun, anymore.
I feel like a drifter
distant, expanding away like a universe
everyone's becoming distant
so it must be me.
Why they're all gone.
It must be me.
I've written this before.


And they like her, who I won't see, so they're with her and not with me.
'Cause in the end, the bad guy wins, and everyone pities the liar.

I think everyone's a liar.
Where am I beautiful?
Sometimes, someone says it, but they're talking about my face.
I must be insane.
I must be so ugly inside.
I'm just an object.
Follow me, and feed me service, and that's enough.
Walk me to class. That's it. Just go through the motions.
With no soul.
I don't need love, I don't need caring, I don't need you to see past my skin.
I don't need you to understand me, or think about how I'm feeling, or ask me
if something's wrong.
what's wrong
can I help you
can I make you feel better
can I love you, 'cuz we're friends
here, I'll hug you, 'cuz we're friends
and friends are sensitve to how friends feel

my friends who I miss, my friends from home
we were so tightly knit, we knew like that
we could dig it out, pull it up, we cried and held eachother
we smile with eachother, we love eachother,

but no, not here, here I'm just that probably-neurotic girl, with a nice face
on occasion
I won't feel used. I won't remember that I
Did my best to support you,
even if I was a little sad.
I said "Hey, how's it going with her?" And made sure
to show you that I was paying attention
Or at least trying.

When you just walked away instead of supporting me.
You frowned and disappeared, when I made new friends.
When I tried to keep you around, when I made new friends.

Guess I failed to include you, or you wouldn't have been hurt enough
to turn it back on me.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember saying "Pretend you don't know me, when he's around."
In fact, I talked to you when he was around.







I thought you thought I was more th... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7937280/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7937280/ Sat, 18 Feb 2006 19:26:55 PST
So, tonight, I went to see the student-directed plays at school (which were really sweet) and stayed a little bit after to schmooze (utnil about 11:30) and then my mom came to pick me up. We drove down Gorgean road, talking about how I didn't like the long period of random music after Kevin's play closed, and suddenly this huge bright light flew across the sky.
It crossed the sky in like, a split second- and planes take much longer, even the ones that break the sound barrier, than it took to get across the sky. It reminded me of a plane at night- because it had a huge bright bright shine, and a smaller red and green flashing bits- but it was going much to fast. It was gone in a blink. Seriously. I didn't have time to even see if I could make out the shape- just that huge light.

Sidenote: Now, it could have been a meteor, but I didn't think that meteors flashed green-red-green on them. Nor did they do what this one did. Now, maybe it WAS an asteroid, I don't know a lot about asteroids or comets, but I sure as hell didn't THINK it was one.

It crossed the ENTIRE sky (and I know the directions because I figured it out a while ago when I saw a fighter plane cross the sky and I wanted to know where it was going- this was like, 100 times faster than that plane) going mostly North (maybe northeast?) And then, suddenly, turned a sharp left.

Now, I don't mean a swerve, I don't mean any sort of curve,
It turned LEFT.
like an L.

Here was the following conversation.
MOM: "Did you see that!?"
ME: "YES!!!"
MOM: "What was it?"
ME:"Dunno. Might have been a shooting star. I think it was DEFINITELY an alien spaceship, cuz asteroids fly straight across the sky usually-" (motions with hands to indicate a straight line) "they don't switch directions"
MOM: "I dunno..."
(we deliberate on that for a while longer.)
ME: "Well, whatever it is, we can't identify it and it flew, so it's a UFO"
MOM: "Ha Ha ha, Okay."

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7923130/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7923130/ Fri, 17 Feb 2006 06:54:37 PST
Can I ask one of you to speak with me? I think I've got a bug. How do I remove it?













I knew the cigars were dangerous from the start. I felt it in my bones.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7909661/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7909661/ Wed, 15 Feb 2006 18:29:34 PST
Perhaps it is a question of discipline. Many of my predecessors claim discipline to be the first and foremost of the steps to full awakening. So far, I've made it well without creating any 'set' disciplines. I can discipline myself to go forward, to skip minor details.

I still have questions, many questions, and I'm not sure when I am okay to ask them. When I allow myself to ask, when I allow myself to know, when I allow myelf to answer. I have become more quiet, more resigned, and more 'ruthless' or 'loveless.' I retained all of the shyness- picked it back up as a defense mechanism. Perhaps that was a mistake, I can easily drop it.

In her chakra openings, she had developed the ability to channel- if but a little- though she let her ego get in the way sometimes, and could not tell the difference between herself and someone else. Maybe I should pick up where she left off...

.. No. I don't have any desire to pick up where she left off.

Annake still calls me stupid. Sisters are like that. She's not the one navigating a foreign world. I can allow myself that much loving playfulness. She's family. That is that.

I should allow for more. I should allow for many more 'loving' things, but I wish to refrain from creating more karmic debt. I cannot afford any karmic ties, though it's hard to sever them without creating stronger ones. It is said that a teacher who gives up on a student reincarnates as a cockroach. Perhaps I am waived- if my task is more important than teaching.

Teaching was her strong suit. For me, it is not. I haven't the patience. If I'm not a teacher, I won't become a cockroach, right? Haha.

Twice I've caught a glimpse of that which I will 'see on the face of everyone I meet' henceforth. Twice. Once it was gold light washing across from the front, Twice it was a rainbow-white embrace from behind. Both times lasted me a long time- I've been sleeping to buddhist mantras, it's definitely having an effect. I've been practicing helping wherever I see that I can. That's having an effect as well. Not demanding, nothing demanded of me.

It's fun to pull myself out of an ego-rut, though I would rather stay out permanently. That's what the death is for. Was for. Will be for. Coming in didn't count as a death experience- more of a birth-
I wonder when the 'veil' will be lifted. I can't wait to recieve my mission. I've gotten sniptits, flashes.. Almost there!!
I have patience. It'll come when it's supposed to come, when I've made myself ready for it. Yoga, meditation, reading, studying, practicing the art of giving selflessly, of loving selflessly- I'm working, so it's working. How simple!

It's funny, more people are attracted to you when you're vibrating higher. Or else, more people who were attracted to you become entirely too transparent. Probably a little of both.

Some conversation has become easier.
Some's become extremely strained.
I'll work at making it easier. The easier to communicate, the easier to assist.


When you work hard, life becomes much easier.








I only ever speak to Annake, I only ever see her or the other.
Haha, he's definitely from that part of the system, because
speaking his name is an insult, writing his name is a heinous
crime.
Guardians, they're so amazing, when you get to know them.
I wonder where he comes from, I think he's part of the tribe- a
spirit from a higher realm of the tribe's pattern. I feel that he is.
Like a totem, like a deity.

You can spend your life imagining higher spirits.
But when you meet one for real...
It's like nothing you've ever imagined.


I think of my tribe more and more often.

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]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7873676/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7873676/ Sun, 12 Feb 2006 12:35:55 PST
Your guide to my list:
#. Series / Character
WILL I REALLY DO IT??
discussion/completeness



1. Hellsing Book 7 Seras Victoria (Without the arm)
LIKELY
Wig -finished
Main outfit- needs to be dyed, but finished sewing/altering
Shoes- finished
Accessories- need to finish black swirlie arm piece. Gun needs to be spraypainted.

2. Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo Beauty
VERY LIKELY
Wig- finished
Main Outfit- I'll prolly make it today (yeah, snow!!)
Shoes- See what I can pull together
Accesories- Prolly today.

3. Dirge of Cerebus Yuffie
MAYBE LIKELY
Wig- N/a
Main Outfit- Got the stuff, never sewn XD
Shoes- Yeah, right.
Accessories- not making 'em

4. Real Me PV Ayumi Hamasaki
UNLIKELY
Wig- finished
Main Outfit- that's a joke, right?
Shoes- N/a
Accessories- N/a

5. Fairyland PV Ayumi Hamasaki
VERY UNLIKELY (too boring and unrecognizable)
Wig- finished
Main Outfit- half-finished
Shoes- N/a
Accessories- Flower is finished

6. Gundam Wing Chang Wufei or Duo Maxwell
UAAAAAA T___T
.... I've wanted to do that for three years, but I want to do it with a group, GW has lost it's original popularity... It gets less likely as the time passes.

7. Sailor Moon
WHO KNOWS?
Wig- nope
Main Outfit- nope
Shoes- yeah, right
Accessories- Um... Thought about them once...

8. Cardcaptor Sakura
UNLIKELY
...That's only because I finally dismantled a piece to install in a wand, and she's the only feasable wand I can think of. I would have to make it just for the wand, it's not likely at all.

9. Some Random J-rocker
WE'LL SEE
...If I pull one out of my floor on the morning of day 2









Knowing me, I'll prolly not do any of them, but at least I got close to finishing one more than a week before AB started!! TAG everyone else. I want to know what people are pondering right around now, cuz I'm not sure about what I keep hearing/not hearing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7845206/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7845206/ Thu, 09 Feb 2006 09:41:46 PST





















Knowing that I'm likely to be the only one who loves the idea, I've taken the liberty to write a script.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7828458/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7828458/ Tue, 07 Feb 2006 12:58:18 PST
Wanna know what I believe? Nobody asks me anymore. They're too caught up in their lives, and I suppose I in mine. Too much pettiness, spirituality fell away before anyone could get anywhere. Comes with Americans. Comes with being brought up with instant fixes. Your life wasn't fixed immediately, so you decided it didn't work. Silly silly silly American.

One, I practice neutrality. I'm neutral to everything. Friendship, love, life, death, quality and anything else you can think of. Neutrality allows you to call into being exactly what you need. If you learn to be neutral, instead of fearful, then you can get what you want. like Zain in the Teachings of Atlantis said. If you're driving, and a fourteen wheeler comes barreling towards you, and you're neutral to death, you won't be afraid and will be able to remain calm and make the correct descision and maneuver your car in the safest way possible. If you're still fearful, want to live, you'll panic and probably make the wrong decision and come closer to getting hurt or dying. I believe that, and it's worked very well for getting things. But the act of getting things, I've come to realize, is an act of non-neutrality in and of itself.

But let me get on with where I had begun to talk.

If you hate doing it, it's because of your ego. That's rule number one. I'm working hard, lately, and really getting somewhere. I picked up a book I read a while ago, and hadn't undestood at all, and a lot of the stuff made perfect sense to me now. Progress.

Selfless Love. Somehow, I'm both good and bad at it. Loving people... Doesn't mean trusting them. You can love someone, and hate everything about them. That's not the question. It's not about why you do this or that, not your choices, it's about your connection to your source, your self, your world, it's about this untangible thing with a thousand different names. You can do whatever, but it's not about whatever. Whatever doesn't matter, does this make sense? Probably not.

My point is that... It's not about "I blah blah because I love them!" "They're bad people but I love them!" "I love people so I want them close to me." Because that's all ego. Even the point of identifying yourself as someone seperate from them is your ego. Even the choice is ego. It's not about ego. You have to learn to love. All. Love it all as one unified THING around you. One thing that you are a part of as much as everything else. Your brain tries to put labels on things, and that hinders your ability to experience reality as what it really is. Try this meditation: for half an hours, everything you see and 'label' call 'me' instead. When you see your mother, think 'this is me.' When you feel the water on your body in the shower, think 'I'm feeling me' when you smell food downstairs, think 'I'm smelling me.' Teachers you hate, people who disgust you, tastes and sensations you love, anything you cherish or want, it's all you. You're all one mass of atoms, that move so much that in two years you don't have any of the atoms you had before. You and the chair you're sitting on are made of atoms that are right now mixing with eachother, the air you're breathing as well. Everything is literally one. So try it. It's easy. Easy, but difficult.

I'm coming to terms with something big with myself.

It's funny, during the day, I'm not afraid to meet my dweller. I'm not afraid to come face to face with the monster I've created, with my pure ego, 'seperate self' and everything negative about me. I feel like nothing can stop me, like I could walk right past my demon without batting an eye, and into the light. I know a lot more about what I am.

I know a lot more about what I'm here to do. I know about this time, I know about lavas in the bowels of Venus (or whatever planet it was) and about one's current need tonot carry karma past this lifetime. If you don't deal with it now, you're fucked. So deal with it, now. If you think your problems will dissapear, that if you don't help others and do good, you can fix it later, you're fucked.

Nobody listens to me anymore, but now I've learned a lot more. You can't teach what you don't know, and now I know, and nobody wants to learn anymore. Irony. Doesn't matter, though. I'm still young, and I'm on the right path. Go ahead, make your judgements as to what's right and wrong. I'm very, very happy with my path. I'm happy with the life I'm living by following this path. Are you happy with yours?

When you get angry, it's your ego reacting to something potentially good that it's trying to avoid. It's scared you might become enlightene... ]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7773808/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7773808/ Wed, 01 Feb 2006 17:44:24 PST























_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7751119/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7751119/ Mon, 30 Jan 2006 12:33:09 PST Yeah, about to mix three countries together. Prepare yourself.
(XD I'm so sentimental today.)

I miss when I was younger, when Chan and Quan would give me the red cute money things, and Quan would show me how to take a bunch and make these big balls to hang that were good luck. And then, my father and all of the guys would go out to dinner and Quan would do magic tricks with a dime for me. He'd put it through the table, and it would pop out on the other side, and he'd put it into his wrist and have it pop out of his ear. I miss him.

I've decided to re-learn what little Cantonese I knew. It's proven quite tough- because now I have to read it as well as speak it XD. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to see Quan again....

I still cherish the buddha he gave me when I was very small. He had it made specially for me, carved out of stone. This new years, I'm remembering all of the times from when I was little, when everything was perfect and the biggest decision I had to make was whether to go get a cream-bun from the bakery or go to buy a toy at Silky Way. That's why I wanted to go back to Seekonk for my birthday. I wanted to go find Silky Way (which I called 'milky way' when I was a child) and pass the costume shop and see if I could find the old apothecary where my dad would buy ingredients for all the medicines he made, and smell the various dried herbs and creatures. I could look longingly at the large store across the way, which went out of buisness one day, and sneak a peek at all of the tasty buns inside the bakers next door. I miss it all... I miss that innocent feeling of belonging and security.

Soon as my dad stopped studying under Chan, it was all over. I hardly ever saw anyone who was there ever again. Not Chan's daughter, not any of the men and women who spent so much time laughing and going out to eat with my dad and eachother, not Quan, nobody.

I feel like, even though it's not my racial heritage and not 'correct' so so many ignorant innocents, that tiny group of people hold a huge part of my heart and of my future. I didn't have many friends at school (spent most of my time talking to a tree) and didn't really do much else- except spend my life there in Chinatown. I feel a longing for that amazing little place- inside my heart. Cliché as that may sound.

I wonder how it is for people from China. If one tiny exposure to something like it, left me longing for my entire life, then imagine how someone having left their home country must feel like. Like when Ayako in my class began to cry when we read japanese poems, because it reminded her so much of her home which she longed for.

My dream keeps turning into returning there, even though I'm white. Even though I wouldn't belong. Even though I've forgotten any Chinese I could possibly have known. The most I can become is one of those annoying white people who take lots of martial arts classes and obsess over the country without ever forming a true bond with the people. Gaijin, in Japan. I don't know if there's a word in Chinese, but there most likely is.

Sometimes, people ask me if I'm half-Japanese at school. Perhaps if I dyed my hair, wore contacts, I could pull it off- my eyes are almost the right shape on top. They almost fold perfectly. I could pull it off...

That's what I think of, when I think of the Japanese term Wabi-sabi. The beauty of lonliness and longing, of nothavings, of things that are old, and long-gone. Things that have nothing left but ghosts.

Me and Chinatown, when we're together, are wabi-sabi.

One day, I'll return there, and chase the ghosts of my past.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7688349/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7688349/ Mon, 23 Jan 2006 18:26:34 PST But.. Have you seen the video?
Some kind of TV special thing...
Ayu has a cute snow princess outfit on, not so bad at all...




Gackt, on the other hand... Is cosplaying Vash.

Don't believe me?
Download the video on Limewire.



Believe me?
Download it anyways.
It's amazing.

Or it would be, if Gackt would stop fondling his own chest while he sings. XD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7659366/ http://glowingpeaches.deviantart.com/journal/7659366/ Fri, 20 Jan 2006 16:28:51 PST
Four onmyouji pause to admire a butterfly, as you cut it in half. Can I catch you in my net, fox-demon? I must admit, I don't like something so beastly. I'd rather it be smooth. Beautiful. You're beautiful above, but you exposed some of the rest of you to me today...

Below.. That is a hairy situation. Unshrouded in your clothes, I can see the difference, now. Yes, I do not like men. Yes... I do not like them very much at all. Unfortunate, I had gotten so close to you, I was ready to slice you into pieces. Moving in for the kill, wasn't that the phrase?

Your face is a book of deciet. Your face says nothing of the body it is attached to, the shapes, the forms, the strength and the mind. Your face says nothing of your cheating, of your lying, of your sneaking around.


I hate giving up on men. I do it too often.
I think, in this case, I had better start before I tye myself to tightly in. How many knots have I been forced to undo before this one? Far too many, far too many let-downs. Far too many cut-offs. Far too many instances of 'turn around and hold your breath.' Men are like rice, I must count every one, I must obsessively count every single one, find every single one, I am a vampire.

Throw rice, throw rice, it's a vampire...







I want to become a vampire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joined

]]> ~glowingpeaches