http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:heartlessnight&section=today deviantART RSS for by:heartlessnight en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 14 Dec 2009 14:55:23 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18896369/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18896369/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:56:10 PDT
I think I'm finally recovering from the past year and a half of manic depression, hopes it last.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18667137/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18667137/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:12:43 PDT The truth is I'm not what you want to see.
The truth is I'm not the one you care for.
The truth is you just don't care anymore.

These words have never related to me more than they do right now.
I always had thought people cared about me.
Even through the worst of times.
But the truth is they don't.

There are 3 people.
They know who they are.
And they aren't the reason I don't give up now.
They see through my smiles. They see threw my tears.
They see me.
Someone who feels emotions. Someone who doesn't hide.
They see the person I always have wanted to be.
Micelela, Aubbs, and Catlyin.
The truth is every else just doesn't care.

Aubbs barley does anymore.
So I've just stopped telling her things completly.
While I can hear an earful about her new relationship,
and mildly smile and reply, "that's great"
She says if it annoys her just tell her,
but she'll keep it up anyway so why waste breathe?

Micelela is truly the only girl I'd ever go straight for.
I love her.
She loves me.
So what's the problem.?
I don't want to hurt her.
I know what I am.
She knows what she is.
She knows exactly what she's getting herself into.
Problem is she won't stop.
And I won't stop her.
God she confuses me.

Catlyin.
Honestly she be my best friend
and the only one who actually ask how I am
and cares. Her voice actually has some deeper
basis than just shallowing saying
"Oh yeah, it'll be okay, it'll be fine, blah blah blah
more random general optimistic comments that have no basis"

Other than them, I really don't have any reason not to.
The person I love the most hates me
and won't even talk to me.
My "friends" are not even noticing I exist anymore.
And it's not like they care either.

Of course everyone still whines about there problems
I listen I help
but the truth is they don't so I've basically just stopped
Which has ticked everyone off
And the truth is
it ticks them moreso.

I've been trying to keep the peace
act like everything's fine
make everything fine
and now that everything's fine in a general point
They don't need me anymore.
So their voices are hollow.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18508907/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18508907/ Mon, 26 May 2008 10:46:01 PDT I'm sick of people's happiness in light of certain
depressive situations. Everyone being immature
about so many things. God will everyone just even
begin the grow up.

Blah blah blah, everyone tells me to look on the bright side
trouble is there's no reasonable bright side to the screwed up
mess I've gotten myself into now

I honestly don't think anyone really care
In fact I think I know that
Maybe Timmy and Aubbs
but they can't care because they don't know the whole story

There are some things I just can't tell anyone
And they hurt the deepest
No one realizes how I feel anymore
partly because I guess I've just stopped feeling

I don't cry
I don't cut
I don't do anything
Like a nobody

I can't believe that bastard
cheated on me again
wasn't sorry
caused me to do what I did
screwed me all over again
screwed my life up

There's something wrong
Apparently 1/2 of the people hate me
the other half are either scared or ignorant
People don't get it
I know what's wrong so people can stop pointing it out

People need to back off before
it's the wrong day for them
that day is coming soon
and it won't end well for them

Everyone's like you've gotta talk to someone about it
you've got to tell
I don't want to tell
People need to shutup its none of their business

People never bother to tell me what's wrong
I can't believe I'm back at this point right now
I'm not the person everyone thinks I am
and people just don't get it
so they'll never know me

People just want me to walk away
truth is I'm as far away as possible at this point
I don't care if people hate me anymore
I'm so used to it it's a normal thing

I'm about to do something that's going to make alot of people
hate me
I know it
Don't try to stop me

I wish that people could get it's none of their business
I'm tired of bullying what's wrong out of people
I sick of people bitching me out and then not hearing me out
Sick of people using and abusing me
I don't know if I can do it anymore

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18150608/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/18150608/ Sat, 03 May 2008 15:11:41 PDT
Unfortunately I guess I've gotten worse then better. I've started cutting again something my friends are either oblivious of or are not caring of. I had a huge relapse of it last night and there are a couple of reasons actually only about 1 or 2 people actually know, those two people being Aubrey and Timmy and even THEY don't know the full story.

All I've ever really wanted was love. Someone who was there for me. just me. Sure I've got the best friends in the world, but all except one seem to be to preoccupied with their relationships to even listen to me, much less act like they care. I love my friends. I'm there and like to listen to their problems and they come to me because they say I help, (which I won't deny) but seriously they have no clue how much they talk about how happy or sad they are when they're in a relationship. But really they have no clue how lucky they are. I'm ready to just throw away love and all my other emotions completly. I'm tired of feeling this way. This is worse then depression because I can actually feel the sadness and loneliness in my heart. People basically just use me. I've been used not once but TWICE in the past 2 or 3 weeks for their own pleasure knowing how vulnerable I am. I have no clue why I feel this way or why I go along with any of it in the first place. And everyone thinks OMG it's a new relationship when I actually have the courage to tell them. But it's NOT love it's LUST. They don't get it. I feel pathetic. Everyone has a relationship and everyone's all happy..and then there's me. It's not rape. I was perfectly aware of what I was doing and so was the other person, but it kinda feels that way. I just don't feel the way I used to. I just want someone special. I've been just hiding behind my smiles again. But yeah basically I'm gonna drop out of drama because the two people that used me are in that class and won't even talk or look at me anymore. I'm just tired of all the drama. I take everybody's in and do my best to help them and I get nothing but them screaming at me nonstop about me being honest with my feelings. So I'm simply not going to show them anymore. I'll hide behind smiles again. I hate love. I hate them for using me. and most of all I hate me.

On an even worse note I now have been diagnosed with an eating disorder called "Binge Eating Disorder" where I just eat nonstop now. Even tough I'm sick to my stomach most of the time I eat. And I eat too much on that. It's getting serious and apparently I'm one step from total bulimia. I'm literally about to just drop everything and go check myself in somewhere. My mom has started to notice too how much I've been eating and then how little I eat and now I have to take 12 weeks of medication in only 4. Plus I have acid reflex disease because of stress now so my stomach is on overload. My friends are all getting angry because I'm being distant. Even the teachers have been noticing. I don't talk as much and I'm so tired and fall asleep in nearly every class for the whole time. My friends were ticked but when I pointed this out and how it was a symptom of my eating disorder they all simmered down and decided to act like nothing had ever happened. Whatever it's good for now.

I miss California. I miss my old friends. Don't get me wrong alot of the people I've meant here are awesome, but there it was alot funner. I feel isolated and trapped here and I'm getting nowhere. Every step i take feels more and more hopeless. I'm trying to stay strong but it's not working. And so I guess I'm just gonna give up.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/17167140/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/17167140/ Mon, 03 Mar 2008 15:45:30 PST so I can't retake it, unless I take two Math courses at once...
This is gonna sucks, once my mom sees, really I don't
even know what class I actually did pass this trimester...
MMm..
Biology (Probably failed)
Algebra (Failed big time)
English (May have a chance of passing)
Speech (Maybe I passed...)
Computer Apps, (I think I got by)

Either way... I'm gonna have to really
start focusing next trimester....
if I'm even still at my school
and not transferred over to Charter..
or some boarding school in Canada
(which my mom said she's ship me off
to if I failed this trimester...)

This Shwucks.....

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16844551/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16844551/ Tue, 12 Feb 2008 07:42:38 PST
So, I always knew our school was homophobic, but not this homophobic. I mean I'm doing my final presentation in Speech on gay rights and when I told everyone that, most of them flipped out. Big Time. The speech teacher didn't want me to do this topic..he wanted me to choose another. I told him, I was doing my report on gay rights, or I wouldn't at all. Period. All these homophobic bastards have been coming up to me and calling me "gay" and stuff. Truth is I don't really care, I have friends who are gay and bi and have to put up with all the crap of homophobic people daily and I'm getting sick of it. People need to stop being so narrow-minded, and learn to accept things. Not try to change them just because of their own opinions. So I lost my temper and called him every name I could, including a stupid, homophobic, bastard. (Wow I have an obsession with that word).

Plus, not only that, I sit next to all these bastards in Speech. one of them maybe isn't but he seems kinda homophobic. One is totally homphobic. But his friend and my home girl, Stephine, (who's bi), got a new girlfriend that goes to our school. Her name is Raven and she's super cool too. Anyways, he was flipping out, so was everyone else. I mean I can understand but it's no reason to end a friendship because he doesn't like gay/bi/lesbian people for no know reason. I tried to help him, I asked him why he didn't like people like that, he brought up, of course, the bible. People really need to understand that Jesus never directly said homosexuality was wrong, in fact the words gay and homosexual meant way different things then they do now. He didn't listen so I didn't try to convince him, It's his choice to lose a great friend. Not mine.

I got written up once maybe twice on Friday because I got inn a fight with these people who were bad mouthing gay and bi people. They were jocky, and they were preppy. (I'm not stereotyping, I'm just pointing that out). They called me a fag and were doing this behind my back so I freaking called them out. It was this big things, people upstairs said they could hear me yelling at them. Th alen a teacher came out and then it turned into a bigger thing and all this stuff and blah blah blah, eventually, we all just left. I went to drama, and they went off to do whatever they were going to do.

Oh, yeah and 3rd hour Algebra, has gotten worse. They finally stereotyped me as an "emo", something I had been kinda waiting for, but not paying much attention to. I have 2 friends and 18 enemies in that class, to the math. It's mainly no more Algebra it's a war with words. They called my home girl Stephine out for having a girlfriend openly, so of course I let it out on them to. It was mainly a huge war, and eventually the teacher got fed up with everyone and is finally taking some measure to get all the homophobic people out of his class after nearly a whole trimester of complaining. Finally. The only bad part of it is, I'm failing Algebra and can't retake it. I need to and am going to however get on top of that. I gotta get over my procrastination now.

So, basically, other than school being.....
.....less than pleasurable.
Let's talk about how things are going at home.
Oh boy. (Obvious Sarcasm there).

Anyways, Skylar. Probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. I finally got up the courage to call him like three months ago, and it went great. We've been talking pretty much nonstop since. Haha yeah. He's gay. And super awesome. He's...nice..and ...stuff. *coughs and blushes*. He likes to mess with me and make me smile, just because he's that kinda person.

So this is what happened. Okay, I think i was careless, and right before Snowcoming, I was talking to him online, and he said some very *ahem* dirty things. Just to make me laugh about them. And I don't know what, I guess I was in a hurry, or something because I left went to Snowcoming, had a great time, and came home at like 11 and surprisingly, my mom was still awake. And she said she wanted to "talk" with me. Well since, I know what our "talks" usually, wind up leading to. I refused. She then asked if Skylar was my boyfriend and all this crap, and called me a fag, hhmmm...where does that sound familiar...(oh, yeah..school)...
Anyways, she was telling me all this stuff, and then of course she started hitting me, so I kept knocking her off of me, because she was basically trying to tackle me. If was this big thing, we screamed and shouted, and basically, I went to bed crying, (again). So the next morning, I find a letter in my room, typed by my mom. And I don't read it for a while and then finally I do. It said, how gay and bi people were just depressed and looking for acceptance, all this crap that wasn't true. So simple. I threw it out, deleted th... ]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16582764/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16582764/ Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:34:23 PST It's something that infinite and goes beyond reach, beyond understanding,
It can never be lost only forgotten for a time.
It ca never be understood
It's the strongest emotion of all.
I changes everything,
no matter what,

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16509661/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16509661/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 17:00:37 PST
I talked to Skylar all weekend starting with Friday when I finally got the courage to actually call him. It went way better than expected. We talked for hours and hours and hours. And they were great. We were just laughing and smiling the whole time.......

I basically told him ever freaking thing, mainly things that'd I'd only tell two or three people, (Timmy, Becky and Aubrey), and it was great. He took it really well, he just got really angry when he found out I'd been kinda anorexic for like 2 weeks. But I'm over it now thanks to him. And I couldn't feel better.

He also got really angry with the whole "cutting" thing to. He's only done it once, where with me.....well let's say more than once. But basically hey there all almost all gone, and I stopped this year, it was one of my goals, not resolutions, but it's working.

I may go to Charter next year. I want to graduate with my class, or possibly earlier. And Charter will let me catch up but maybe...... I still have some time to think about it.

I have also decided to NOT (for the time being) going to Interlochan. It's this really preppy dramatic school and they wanted me to join. I figure with all the stuff happening right now I really couldn't handle it. So I guess I'm staying for now.

So basically right now everything seems to be going great for everyone. Hopefully it'll last.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16462481/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16462481/ Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:16:04 PST decisions to make. it's only pretty much the beginning of 2008 and I have a ton of choices already.

My biggest one is should I stay in Michigan, or go back to California? My mom's already said it was okay, she really doesn't care. I don't know I'm so confused. On the one point my friends in California didn't know me the way the one here in Michigan do, I'm much more open now then I used to be when I was with them. On the other hand People here barley notice me and California is a way better state, hands down. I had alot more fun there then I am here. So what do I do. Stay with "friends" that ignore me, or go back to "friends" that don't know me? Should I stay or go? That's the big freaking question.

I need a job. I need to get my grades up. I need to let go of the past. I need to get help. I need alot of things. Basically, my grade I think have gotten worse. I've failed nearly every test I've taken, so far. I don't know what's wrong with me? I don't care anymore. About anything.

Have you ever had a broken heart for no apparent reason? I don't know how or why I just do. I'm sick of love. I'm sick of all these "users" and most of all I'm sick of just everything.

Everyone's been asking me, "What's you problem", and additional comments, I DON'T KNOW. And I'm sick of telling people that.
Everyone's been staring and pointing and laughing when I walk down the halls, so much rumors. It's stupid that people even begin to believe some of these. It's stupid that I get hurt by them. It's stupid that I'm even writing this.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16375966/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16375966/ Sat, 12 Jan 2008 17:21:02 PST
I'm so fed up, with everything. Period. That's all. That's it.

My stepdad left today. That was fun, basically my mom was all sad. And now she'd being all nice. Simple, she feels guilty. My stepdad made my time 100 times worse when he was here, and the whole time she just let him insult me. So now she's basically sucking up.....

My brother, well he's been okay now. Still mean, but okay. He's basically the star. The person who come first. All that crap. And me?

Basically my "friends" aren't "friends". They're people who I talk to. They never include me in stuff or tell me stuff. So what's the point. They basically insult and ignore me like everyone does, so really why do I hang out with them?

So, I'm still eating. That's good. Not as much though. Simple.

I miss my old friends. I wish they were here. I love my new friends, all of them, but I really, really miss them.


So basically
That's it.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16320686/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16320686/ Tue, 08 Jan 2008 18:52:53 PST
My brother won wrestling for his school. He's my twin so. Basically he's got everything going for him. He's got sports, somewhat good grades, and an apparent gf who he's totally in love with. And what do I have. Nothing apparently.

My family are being such bastards again. my stepdad hasn't even been home for 2 month and already, I've been beaten by everyone in my family, yelled at, screamed at, and told I was a mistake. again. How I was pathetic. again. And how I was just a disappointment emo fag. again. They treat my brother like he's a king and I'm absolutely nothing. Below nothing. I'm so sick of it. It's like this all the time. They throw me in the backseat always. I have virtually nothing. Everything apparently, they're loaning me until I'm 18 and they can kick me out. I'm basically packed up and ready to go I guess. I'm getting a job this year and moving out ASAP, they don't care, so I really don't either.

My bro is basically, pulling, the tough guy routine, because my family's treating him so good. The sad part is is that he usually can beat the crap out of my anytime anyday, like he used to. Same with the rest of my family, which they do. I'm so fed up. The say he coud go to Olympics and how I'd be selfish if I didn't go see him if he made it. I'm not interested in sports one bit and that ticks them off for no apparent reason. So I told them not to come see my small part in the play. I really could care less if they're there, and besides they said my brother might have a wrestling meet that day. So it really wouldn't matter because they go see him anyway.


Basically aside by getting treated like nothing from my homophobic abusive preppy family and possibly getting put up for some kind of foster care. I'm sad and empty and scared. I've completely ruined what I've tried to stay out of. I feel so hopeless, I mean I broke my whole "cutting" thing and had a huge relapse all throughout holiday. I've been binging SO much. I guess I'm just going to stop eating, or cut down drastically on what I am eating, It's not healthy and I know why, It's from all the freaking stress my family's causing me right now, same with school. I'm basically close to failing every class, and grades were about the only thing I could do right, so now what?

Anyways I got a small part in the school play. it'll be fun I guess. Jeremiah and Armond, (two of the best guys ever), said they're gonna make my outfit. I'm the emo/pessimistic kid, of course. There were some people in Drama 2 *ahem* ELLEN , who basically called everybody on everything and tried to say how I wasn't emo and all this crap. I don't do labels, (that much), and I have my own freaking category to fit into. (But ssshhh..she doesn't know).

So being close to failing school sucks. they say they might have to withdraw me from Big Rapids, if my grades don't get any better. Plus now apparently I have a "record" of over exaggerated claims from my mom and stepdad and brother, and now I have to deal with that. And all these stupid rumors at school. Our totally homophobic school. I'm not exactly sure if I'm not, you know gay, or at least bi. but if I am I'm hoping that my friend accept me, my family won't and I'm pretty sure all the people at our school won't.

Speaking of that, alot of people are shocked that i even bring that up. For one I'm not that uncomfortable talking about it, no matter what my family has tried to do to get me to not like or support or even be around gay or bi people, I still have all my life. And I couldn't enjoy it more. I have a gay best friend and my mom was totally against it. I said he was awesome. And he still is awesome. my bro didn't like him either, but I did. He was cool and understanding and...haha...stuff. Well that's my gay right rant for now, I'll probably do way more later, but just saying .

Anyways, I still feel kinda sick, ever since the lock in. Aubrey says it's because everyone's sleep patterns are so screwed up. I think that's why, or somehow someone there gave me stomach flu, which was going around. The lock in was fun, until Aubrey and Alita ganged up on me about not being respectful. Considering the fact they weren't very respectful either, I don't think they should criticize. I'm sick of them. I mean Aubrey's okay, but Alita's is just someone I'd like to throw off a bridge. She's just so mean she criticizes everything I do. Like alot other people.

Have you ever heard of that saying "Everyone has Someone". apparently, I feel like I have no one.... ]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16256685/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16256685/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 14:36:11 PST I haven't gotten to talk to him since 2 days ago. I wanna talk to him again. It was alot of fun talking to him, I'm happy though, because we got to talk all day, no interruptions. It was SO much fun, I'm set for the whole year. Plus we're going to Cali sometime. Aaahh... Mishter Skylar.... you make me's so happy.

Anyways my day started out weird. I ate a whole Hershey's bar and has some Doritios . Then I had pizza, then I had another Hershey's bar, and drank alot of juice. I'm going on a diet again.

Anyways, I walked in on my bro watching super sweet 16 yesterday. I HATE that show. I was about to throw the tv at the wall, after about 2 minutes. So he has a girlfriend now. Yay...(obvious sarcasm there)...
My family hasn't let him or me, hear the end of it. blah blah blah, girlfriend, blah blah blah, you need to get one, blah blah blah, you're such a disappointment, blah blah blah shutup you emo fag. That's all I've heard from them lately... and you can imagine how great that makes me feel, (obvious sarcasm there too).

I want my old friends back. I like he new one's I've made, they're super awesome, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just kind of feel like my old friends are moving on, and I'm somehow stuck. Oh well........

I haveta get my hair straightened soon for the school one act. I got cast as the emo/goth pessimistic kid in the play. (perfect, for me kinda). I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. I just hope it doesn't turn out like last time. *shudders*, Let's just say the way it turned out was that I looked exactly like Mr. T. It sucked. Plain and Simple.

I need a new outfit also. I've been looking up at hot topic and pac sun and things like that. But I can't seem to find that perfect one for me. I need someone to help me with this...

Well I've had the tv turned to America's Next Top Model all day because nothing else is on. It's not too bad, not great, but not to bad either....

Well anyways I made a goal, not a resolution, to start doing good in school, I want to graduate as early as possible, but to do that, I'm gonna have to pull all my grades, up, and they're really low so I'm going to have to work hard......

Apparently it seems that this years is turning out to be okay, not great, but okay. And if you know me, even getting to the "okay" point is very good.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16240820/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16240820/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:53:53 PST . Anyways it was ALOT of fun.

You know, if you someone would've asked me about how I was going to feel about 2008, before this, i probably would've said screw you and went away. Somehow I'm actually looking forward to this year. I'm still pretty depressed about last year, but it's getting better, thanks to....*ahem* someone. Man I wish they were here right now.

Anyways, only Sky could shock me into such a good mood, with the exception of a few other rare people. I doubt that's going to last long though, we have school coming up. I'm still exhausted, and am probably going to be a bastard to everyone who even thinks to ask me how my Christmas went. (It sucked hardcore). Oh yeah by the way, none of you probably know Skylar and probably never will.

New Years was fun. I went to a lock in and meant new peoples who all rock. My family are still being straight up bastards to me but my stepdad's leaving soon so that makes me even happier.

Plus there's the fact that I'm a fiancee to someone? Yeah, actually it was joke, but I still said yes. So also we're planning our honeymoon!?! Yay!?! (Just a joke)

Anyways yeah just wanted to share that completely unnecessary piece of information with you all, if you even bothered to keep reading until the end thankies.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16205306/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16205306/ Tue, 01 Jan 2008 11:29:29 PST
However, there is that one person. That's probably going to make this year ALL worth it. Basically, I love this person, and this person loves me. I'm surprised though. Anyways, basically yesterday this person proposed to me. , It was kind of a joke but, I said yes anyway. (Apparently I have a finance now), haha . And I'm SO happy right now.

Anyways i went to a lock in for new Years Eve and Day. Considering that I barley have gotten any sleep for the past what 2 weeks and have been completely caffeine drivin, I did pretty good. It was fun, I was trying to stay out of everyone's way ALOT. I meant some pretty cool people, hoped they liked me back, but yeah, everyone was pretty much biatchy when it was over because it was so tired. I almost didn't go, but I decided to. I was just going to stay in my room, and just think about how last years was one of the WORST YEARS EVER. Hands down. But it was still fun.

Hopefully this year we can get some freaking stuff done, where America isn't totally screwed up anymore. I stopped watching FOX< they always are doing reports on how, emo/scene kids suck, and how somethings wrong with gay and bi people. God that ticks me off big time! IDK, what's wrong with people today. (But that's me going on about rants, so I'll stop).

So basically here's to another year filled with misery and love, and depression and pain and all that crap, that never seems to work out.
Anyways.......

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16153095/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16153095/ Sat, 29 Dec 2007 13:37:15 PST Confused, and Alone, and Emotionless, and
Just a whole lot of freaking confusion and junk,
that no one will care about.




I lie here, while the sun sets, feeling the tears roll down my face, realizing they don't help anymore. Nothing does. I feel nothing. Somehow, I don't fit here. I know, I don't. No one wants or cares about me. Love has become so unfamiliar, I don't even know if I can feel it anymore. It's all a void. I daydream about the time where saying I'm sorry was enough, realizing that they never were really there. Somehow I feel empty, like something important left, and I can never get it back. All my dreams have become nightmares, where my fears are faced. Like a never ending stairwell, it's the same every single day. Nothing feels exciting and nothing feels right. I see a mistake, when I look in the mirror. I go off into another daydream, about school. I walk down the halls alone, looking at all the people my age laughing, and talking with people. I feel like an empty nobody, walking down the halls. You laughter hurts me, you're pain excites me. I hate the fact that I feel this way. It's a daily thing now. You laugh and laugh because no one cares about me. I put on a fake smile, go home, and break down. Simple, everyday thing. I know somethings wrong with me. I wonder, how is it that everyone else, can smile and laugh, and I can't. I don't know what's happened to me. They don't understand me. I don't understand me. I hear something screaming inside me no one else seems aware of. It makes the worst and the best sound slowly destroying me. No one cares. Realizing friends until the end means nothing. Everything changes, I've changed. Wishing somehow things could be different. Knowing they can't be. Wishing you'd hear me screaming for you. Waiting one day until you can. You cause me everything. You smiled at my face, then lied behind my back. Having no idea how much it hurts. Everything seems to do that. Wondering when it'll be my turn to be happy. If there is such a thing. Crying myself into Nightmares, Reaching for something or someone that was never there. Knowing you don't care. Knowing you don't love me. Feeling none at all. Completely aware of what's going on around me, however feeling nothing towards it. Daydreaming about what everyone else is doing, moving on while I'm stuck at some point no knowing exactly where though. Wondering is this all life's supposed to be? Lying here, while the sun sets, slipping back into a night filled with Nightmares and Daydreams.

]]> ~heartlessnight http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16027448/ http://heartlessnight.deviantart.com/journal/16027448/ Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:46:45 PST
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