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]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/8134446/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/8134446/ Sat, 11 Mar 2006 20:39:36 PST
About five months since my last journal entry.. oops! Well I suppose a lot has happened since then... I don't really know about big things (exceptforMikeygettingkilledbutIamtryingt otalkhappyhere) but a lot of small things..
MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!! on March 31st (as you all should know.)
Another thing I want to be known: I currently have 1,445 new messages. Yes--1,445. So that would explain why my commenting has been so very rare lately. >.< SORRY!!! FORGIVE MEEE!! ::sobs::
*cough* anywho.. if you want me to visit your site to catch up or if you wants me to see/comment on a particular piece, or if you just wanna talk! then leave me a comment and I will definitely get on that. I still love you all but but I dunno.. heh. What to say, what to say.. I'm really sleepy right now so I'm off to bed. Okie ni ni everyone!
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/6601182/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/6601182/ Sun, 25 Sep 2005 17:53:22 PDT And... today is a horrible day for me. Today is a year since Josh McKay died.
All of these memories.... are flooding into my head. Past things, memories I didn't even know I still had..


"Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home
....They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me"
"holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you?
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
I'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black"



I'm just crying and its so hard to take..
Our relationship was beautiful, even if it was non-romantic. It had its own special charm, we could always make each other laugh and I miss it.. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/6387489/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/6387489/ Thu, 01 Sep 2005 12:06:47 PDT A magical day that rises above all others. It is most beautiful. On this day, a man who is a genius above all others was born!
Its kind of funny, because I received a gift today in the mail from my most WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND! Its a Tinker Bell snow globe that is absolutely adorable! ^^ And it was a surprise! Yay!
I had a dream once that Jhonen adopted me. I know, I'm weird. But it was wonderful! XD Aah I'm in a good mood. (in case you couldn't tell)

Ahahahahaaaaaaaa....... I love you Kyle! (and my friends, but I love you in a platonic, friendly way, not the same way as I love Kyle. you know)
HEY LOOK AT WHAT MY BIRTH MONTH REVEALS ABOUT ME!
What does my birth month reveal about me??
March: Attractive personality.sexy. Affectionate.Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented.Loves special things. Moody

Its all true, ya know. WEIRD!

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/6088780/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/6088780/ Sun, 31 Jul 2005 12:45:28 PDT "Okay, folks. Here's the deal.

By now, you've heard that Scott Jarkoff, aka °jark, is now a FORMER Staff Member.

I'm not privy to the whys, wherefores, and whatever-the-hells are going on behind the scenes here. Don't ask me anything about that. I know probably just as much as you do.

DeviantArt, in my opinion, is becoming less about COMMUNITY and more about CORPORATION.

So what we need to do is bring back THE COMMUNITY.

Here's my suggestion.

On August 7th, DA turns five years old. Five years for a website like this should be a grand affair, one big event.

So don't submit anything on August 7th.

I'm talking a print, a deviation, a scrap...nothing.

Instead, just leave a comment. Visit a user's page and just say hi.

If someone wants to buy a subscription that day, I'm all in favor or it. It'll keep the servers going, and anything that keeps the hamster running is a good thing.

BUT...I think folks shouldn't buy any prints. No print subscriptions. That goes against the COMMUNITY theme for the day.

We want to put the COMMUNITY back into DA.

If you're in favor of this, if you believe in the power this COMMUNITY has, then join me. Post this in your own journal. Spread the word to everyone, with a and a .

We might be touting at windmills like Don Quixote.

But if enough of us do it, we might be able to remind everyone that this is a COMMUNITY first and foremost.

Join me. On August 7th, let's take back DeviantArt."

We need to do this. Without COMMUNITY and the love, there is no deviantART.

AND REMEMBER:
(from °jark)
"Remain civil while asking questions. Rioting solves nothing. Diplomacy is necessary. Whether you submit art or write comments, it must remain well-mannered. Trust me when I say that; the administration favors, and listens, to those who can frame their arguments in an intelligent and courteous manner. People who lash out are summarily dismissed by the staff.
Remember one thing: the community comes before anything and everything. It is why I had devoted the last 5 years of my life to deviantART; it is why I sacrificed so much.
Never forget the community."

[link] That is what my boyfriend Kyle has to say on the matter, and I believe his words are well-written and ring true.

[link] My friend Taylor tells of her reasons to shed tears over this, it is an emotional account and it made me sniffle a bit.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5901871/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5901871/ Mon, 11 Jul 2005 07:34:23 PDT I'm so so glad she's okay.
And last week I went on a holiday with my friend Amanda, we went to Old Orchard Beach. Except the weather was terrible, and the only day we were actually able to go to the beach was on Tuesday, the day we had arrived there. But that's okay! Because I did get some shopping in. Shopping is fun. And we walked around downtown every day, that was neat.
OH! Happy news: This Friday will be Kyle and I's 8 month anniversary! I'm so happy! I love him so much.
I don't know what else to say...
LOVE TO MY FRIENDS!
.:Super Stefy:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5629698/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5629698/ Sun, 12 Jun 2005 18:06:35 PDT She left a note and said I’m sorry,
I had a bad day again.."

Umm hey, you guys. What's going on? I'm trying to act normal while my world has, once again, been turned upside down.
A dear friend of mine, or "kinsman" as Sampsa and Phillip may say, has died in a car accident. His name is Charlie Shumway and he resided in Wisconsin. I knew him because he would come to live in my town during the summer with his mother to help with her lumberjack show and such. But during the summers he would hang out with me, and my friends Jaillé, Jaimie, and Tyne. He was friends with others too, but umm I won't be talking of that...
Charlie was a dear friend and sweet comrad. That still is not changed, but now he has joined so many others in the Afterlife. This strange darkness I now feel is one even I cannot explain, although I wish for it to end. I don't know what else to say... and I must go now. My sister is quite evil. Goodbye, and as always I love you my dearest friends and Kyle, my love.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5524578/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5524578/ Wed, 01 Jun 2005 18:53:50 PDT I don't know what else to say now, other than goodbye.
Goodnight, with love
.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5138536/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5138536/ Wed, 20 Apr 2005 11:54:44 PDT
But today, nothing. I am home. And...yeah... today my stepfather told me to go to hell. He said "Go to hell! That's where the FUCK you can go!" Because I had already tried for an hour to fix something for him on the computer and then gave up... Ah what love I receive from that evil beast thing. Besides, if anyone is going to hell, it is him and not I. So yeah in his face. Even though I would never dare say that TO his face... >.-

"They went, the Ghost and Scrooge, across the hall, to a door at the back of the house. It opened before them, and disclosed a long, bare, melancholy room, made barer still by lines of plain deal forms and desks. At one of these a lonely boy was reading near a feeble fire; and Scrooge sat down upon a form, and wept to see his poor forgotten self as he used to be." Ah yes poor Scrooge. I like that section, though...it's pretty.
"See, Saw, Margery Daw,
Sold her bed and lay upon straw;
Was not she a dirty slut,
To sell her bed and lie in the dirt!
Great A, little a, Bouncing B,
The cat's in the cupboard, and she can't see." Now that is quite the nursery rhyme!
"When we are green, still half-created, we believe that our dreams are rights, that the world is disposed to act in our best interests, and that falling and dying are for quitters. We live on the innocent and monstrous assurance that we alone, of all the people ever born, have a special arrangement whereby we will be allowed to stay green forever."

And everyone remember:
whenever a child says

"I don't believe in fairies"

there's a little fairy somewhere

that falls right down dead.


Don't do it. I love you all MWAH! xoxoxoxo
.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5018127/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/5018127/ Wed, 06 Apr 2005 16:37:07 PDT I just... really miss Josh.. and I'm sorry if it gets redundant..
I'm sorry. It's as if he just slipped away from me so suddenly... even if it has been 6 and 1/2 months now.
And my deviantart inbox is scaring me... "254 Deviations, 135 Journals." I can't deal with the insanity right now.
Anyway.. this is a survey thing.. yeah.

[ 01 ] be invisible or be able to fly?
-Fly
[ 02 ] be rich or good looking?
-Neither really matter... rich I suppose.
[ 03 ] be small and fast or strong and slow?
-Small and fast
[ 04 ] have a lightsaber or a hoverboard?
-Lightsaber
[ 05 ] read minds or have a time machine?
-A time machine
[ 06 ] be a hacker or a bank robber?
-A bank robber
[ 07 ] be tough or nice?
-Nice
[ 08 ] be talented or clever?
-Clever
[ 09 ] have a boy/girl friend or a sweet car?
-Boyfriend
[ 10 ] breathe underwater or see in the dark?
-Breathe underwater
[ 11 ] have a good body or be a good lover?
-Good lover
[ 12 ] have a better memory or have more experiences?
-Better memory
[ 13 ] have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
-Boyfriend
[ 14 ] nite or night?
-Night
[ 15 ] be shy or have bad breath?
-Shy
[ 16 ] bruce lee or jackie chan?
-Bruce Lee
[ 17 ] die by falling off a rollar coaster or by being lit on fire?
-Lit on fire... I would not want to fall to my death..
[ 18 ] die by drowning or by being buried alive?
-Drowning
[ 19 ] own a big cabin in the rockies or a small apartment in new york city?
-Big cabin in the Rockies
[ 20 ] grow two feet or shrink two feet?
-Grow two feet
[ 21 ] snore or talk in your sleep?
-Talk
[ 22 ] get five piercings or five tattoos?
-Five piercings
[ 23 ] forget your name or everyone else's?
-My own name
[ 24 ] be stranded on an island with a clueless hottie or someone gross with survival training? -
Someone gross with training
[ 25 ] have wheels instead of legs or wings instead of arms?
-Wings rather than arms
[ 26 ] change your past or know your future?
-Change my past
[ 27 ] power to calm everyone down or get them really excited?
-Power to calm everyone down
[ 28 ] always lose or never play?
-Never play
[ 29 ] know it all or have it all?
-Know it all
[ 30 ] be normal and ignored or brillant and disliked?
-Brilliant and disliked
[ 31 ] wake up and find yourself in the middle of a desert or the middle of the arctic?
-Middle of a desert
[ 32 ] have a dumb song stuck in your head all day or hit your funny bone every hour?
-Have a dumb song stuck in my head
[ 33 ] give bad advice or take it?
-Take it
[ 34 ] never be sick or never be sad?
-Never be sad
[ 35 ] if you could have more of something, what would it be?
-Joy
[ 36 ] if you had to trade places with someone who would it be?
-Kyle
[ 37 ] what person, band or celebrity would you get rid of if you could?
-Hm... so many..
[ 38 ] if you could wish evil on someone, who would you choose?
-Richard (my mother's husband)
[ 39 ] what would you want to be remembered for?
-My kind heart
[ 40 ] did you like this survey + why or why not?
Sure... it took some time from my day..


I love you Kyle.
.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4857066/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4857066/ Sat, 19 Mar 2005 19:05:40 PST
... *sob* And such.... My kitty Millie had to be KILLED (they call it 'put to sleep...' ) yesterday.... because she was so old. She was the kitty that I inherited from my father when he died in October... and I'm not sure if it's so much her death.. I mean yes I am very upset. That much is obvious. But the fact that she once belonged to my dad makes it that much worse.

On top of that, I awoke with a cold this morning. Ehh.... horrible headache.. Sleeping is difficult. I try but I fail.

ANYWAY I SHOULD TALK HAPPY NOW. On a plus side, I did call Brittany today. ^^ She's good...'cept I'm the only one that calls her, pretty much.. *tears* I didn't know that....Now I'm gonna call her even lots more. And and we say I love you to each other cause ummm cause we do! *nod nod*

And yeeeeeshterrday I went to Kyle's house! And we had potatoes, like we always do. o.o Weee....?!

xoxoxoxo
.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4705130/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4705130/ Tue, 01 Mar 2005 18:15:12 PST I'll miss him so much... I really love the kid. He just turned four yesterday...and now he's moving all the way across the country. It isn't fair!
Umm.... I'm not going to write anymore because I have school tomorrow and I need to try for some sleep. Maybe I'll be eaten by the Boogey Man...

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4565268/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4565268/ Sat, 12 Feb 2005 20:26:00 PST
I've been sick a lot lately, and I've been trying to pass it off as a cold for the past month...but mom wants me to go to the doctor's. I'm just so ANNOYED with getting sick! I get sick so easily, it isn't normal, it's weird.
I mean I don't want to sound like I have the attitude of "Aah life sucks!" But... it kind of does suck to be sick so much.
Oh well...I can deal.

So today was interesting in a horrible way..I went to the movies and out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays...with my family. Richard included. As you have probably guessed by now, I had much free time to wander in my head... and came up with things which I thought of as amusing at the time, but don't seem as great now..
Such as the answer to the classic question:
If you went back in time and had sex with yourself, would it be considered masturbation?
My answer: I hope so.


..........Frightening, I know.
I believe the Nyquil is making me delusional... but I don't hate it. Hehehe.
Hehe. I would like to thank the doctors that have me drugged on Prozac, so I get to feel warm and fuzzy inside and not face reality. Thank you, it is a dream come true.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4481799/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4481799/ Wed, 02 Feb 2005 16:58:49 PST (I hope that works... )

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- +-+-+-+-+-+-+

Read Through The Comments And Then Read The Instructions At The Bottom.

1. What Time Is It: 19:04 (7:04 PM)

2. Name As It Appears On Birth Certificate: Stefany Lynn Eldridge

3. Nicknames: Stefy, Silly Stefy, Sugarfairy, umm I'm called cute a lot but...that isn't exactly a nickname..

4. Piercing: Ears pierced twice on both sides...and the eyebrow ring, left eyebrow. Hot, I know.

5. Most Recent Movie You've Seen In Theater: I haven't been to the movies in ages! I think it was to see the Incredibles...

6. Eye Color: Blue, with slightly yellow flecks in the middle... at times green, it depends on what I'm wearing and my mood.. they change colour. They're very interesting.

7. Hair Color: Auburn...sort of brownish but really dark red..

8. Place Of Birth: Bangor, Maine... (in the USA)

9. Ever Been To Africa: No

10. Ever Been Toilet Papering: No

11. Love Someone So Much It Made You Cry: Yes..

12. Been In A Car Accident: Nope

13. Croutons Or Bacon Bits: Croutons

14. Favorite Day Of The Week: Saturday

15. Favorite Night To Go Out On: Saturday

16. Favorite Flowers: Daisies

17. Favorite Sport To Watch: I hate sports.

18. Favorite Drink: Orange juice with pulp

19. Favorite Ice Cream: Chocolate chip cookie dough..

20. Disney Or Warner Brothers: Disney...

21. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: Ew... fast food..

22. What Color Is Your Bedroom Carpet: Purple...

23. How Many Times Did You Fail Your Driver's Test: I have yet to take it..

24. Before This One, From Who Did You Get Your Last E-Mail: PETA... they like to drive me insane.

25. Which Store Would You Choose To Max Out Your Credit Card: Hot Topic (this sort of makes me angry how cliché that sounds....)

26. What Do You Do Most Often When You Are Bored: Talk to people... pick up the phone, see who's online. Read a book, draw..

27. Bedtime: I sleep whenever I can. Sleep is good...

28. Who Will Respond The Quickest: Kyle...I'm pretty sure

29. Who Is The Person That'll See This That Is Least Likely To Respond: Brittany...

30. Who Are You Most Curious About Their Responses To This Questionnaire? Er...yeah.. I really don't care.

31. Favorite Tv Shows: Angry Beavers, Saturday Night Live, INVADER ZIM!! (I have all of the DVDs.. *tears of joy*), Aqua Teen Hunger Force

32. Last Person You Went To Dinner With: My mommy

33. Ford Or Chevy: I'm stealing Marianne's answer... "whatever"

34. What Are You Listening To Right Now: Kyle and I's song... 'Broken'

35. What Is Your Favorite Color: Red

36. Lake, Ocean Or River: River

37. How Many Tattoos Do You Have: 0

38. Democrat Or Republican: Independent (also too young to vote)

39. Time You Finished Answering This: 19:26 (7:26 PM)

Directions:
Copy and paste the entire entry into your journal, then change the answers to your own answers.

Add the name of the journal you saw this from so you can continue the chain.

...wait that's it!? That questionaire... ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4383718/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4383718/ Sat, 22 Jan 2005 08:54:54 PST
I feel sick to my stomach. Not like I'm going to throw up... just been crying so much that my stomach muscles are sore.
I haven't cried this much in a long time. I miss Kyle so much and I try to tell myself that I can do this, I can make it...
I've made it this far.
I'm just stuck in 'depression mode'. But I'm trying to end it.. it's just that it takes a lot of energy. I mean the expression fighting depression is true for me... I feel like I'm literally FIGHTING with it.
Do you remember when you were little, and you'd cry so much (probably it was over a toy, or not having your way..) that your breathing would get all weird and you would be panting for breath, and when you spoke it would come out whiny? I guess I'm like that right now...
I do know this won't last forever. Perhaps it won't even last all day. But while it's here, I have to put everything else second and make this my major focus. I need to bring back the light to my inner self..

I need my honeybee Kyle, my love.
I miss him.

I miss hearing the rain... it sounds so free! Dancing everywhere within reach.
And the insomnia.... insomnia is horrible. Silence brings out the worst in me, I drown in my thoughts alone, so late... too late.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4360682/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4360682/ Wed, 19 Jan 2005 13:49:09 PST

BUT that isn't important.

I have titled myself "The one, the only most adorable and huggable Stefany". You can not deny this. It is so true. Oh yes. You know it. Don't lie to yourself.

I'm happy right now..... Don't ruin it, anyone. Don't you DARE ruin this for me. I deserve to be happy.
Heh... Anyway. It feels good to be alive. I am hoping for a snow day tomorrow... even though I will probably become dissapointed. However, you never know! Anything is possible!

Staying happy is difficult, you know that? It is for me. It seems like I can be brought down so easily. So I have to be all like "HEY sadness, I'm going to kick your ass!" ...metaphorically speaking. And I might sound lame saying this, but it does take a lot of energy from me, just fighting the sadness. I wish that teachers could understand that. I really do.

Yeah, Monday sucked for me.... due to the weather I didn't get to see my Kyle honeybee..... blech. The whole world is against me I swear.
But it's okay if I just... stay positive. I guess.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4319267/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4319267/ Fri, 14 Jan 2005 14:20:55 PST ..nothing really happened to cause it. It's just the strong, sick sadness that always sweeps over me at times...
I know that my friends dislike it when I'm sad. And I'm really sorry, I am. If I were capable of stopping it, I would.

Oh, and this is a recent discovery: tonight I must partake in a social event at my friend Jaille's house... apparently it is an obligation for me to go because I have skipped many others recently. It isn't that I dislike the other girls, they are my long-time friends I suppose. It's pretending to be happy which I despise.
Do they even notice my sadness? It seems they are often in denial of it. Their mindset is, the Stefy which they grew up with, who was always so smart and although she was quiet seemed to have a positive disposition, now suffers from depression and isn't quite what they perceive as 'normal'. I wish for them to love and accept me regardless. However, I find they aren't so vital to my life as they used to be. I do have new friends, some seem to have drifted away and are no longer so close.
This gathering is not how I would choose to spend my evening.... Friday is a rather sacred day for me. It is on Fridays which I miss Brittany the most....she used to stay over on Fridays, and we would go to dances at Brewer Middle together on Friday, after which our sleepovers of doom would occur.
How do I explain my attachment and Love for her..? This is something completely dear to me and which I can't fully say. She is my Best Friend, and fills a place which no one may ever replace. Does she know of this? Yes. We are best friends.
And I miss her so. At times like this, I find myself not knowing how I've made it this far without seeing her.. it has been so long. And it will be so much longer.
Tears are streaming down my cheeks, increasing in volume and my family takes no notice. Instead I find them shouting at me for reasons small, pathetic, and meaningless. They do not understand.
I hate Fridays.... almost everything bad that's ever happened to me has happened on a Friday. Friday was my last day of school at Brewer.. Friday was the day I heard of Josh's death.... Friday was the day I learned of my father's death.... and there are more, personal things..

I feel alone and tired.
"It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut....
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all."


..........Stefany....

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4222921/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4222921/ Sun, 02 Jan 2005 17:38:49 PST [link] thing. First with my first name, then my initials... these are some of the results.


My name:
stefany is a member of the lydae lesbian crime family of tallahassee (what the fuck?)
stefany is a succulent long (.....um. )
stefany is a hottie so maybe i'd only be a few
stefany is nifty
stefany is rude to the girls that call
stefany is popular
stefany is the same way

My initials:
sle is around 1/3
sle is an autoimmune disease
sle is causing kidney disease?
sle is primarily a disease of young women (wow...I'm lethal)
sle is an immune disorder that usually affects women of childbearing age
sle is characterized by butterfly shaped facial rashes (I AM NOT!)
sle is between 15 and 45 years of age (at least that's accurate)
sle is widely distributed throughout the continental united states
sle is complicated
sle is maintained by a bird
sle is the production of anti
sle is expecting a large turn
sle is now considered a chronic disease
sle is a good looker
sle is more than just a punk band
sle is the world's

WOW. Interesting!.... haha. I hope this amused my friends like it did for me.

.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4198196/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4198196/ Fri, 31 Dec 2004 00:14:51 PST OH. MY. GOD.
At my friend Katrina's for the night.....
attempting to watch Silence of the Lambs; it gave us a nice pick-up line.
*whispering in a seductive voice* "I can smell your cunt."
Then the reply: "Oh. Thank you for noticing."

I was laughing SO hard....haha yay for girly times.
Oh my god....laughter. I almost peed myself.
Kat's 16 now... ^^ Yay!
And now. I have a vibrating penguin of my own- I named him Panda.
Hahaha happy times with the Katrina! I love her platonically.
.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4164222/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4164222/ Sun, 26 Dec 2004 19:17:56 PST I came home to find out that Abby, who is 25 or 26 and a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while.... died last night..god that came as a shock. How?
...car crash. Her friend was drunk of course..... and it was just when Abby was straightening her life out, too.. dumping her loser boyfriend and going to drug rehab.
So she died on Christmas. Fabulous.
Abby...rest in piece. I seriously miss you. Why did you have to join the others in death..? I miss you..

Lyrics:
(Saliva)
I feel like I wasted time when I didn't have you on my mind.
I feel like I'm all alone, how could I have known you would leave
me here alive...?
Oh my God, how did I make this far?
Why I can't I be where you are?
My God I think I'm dying.
It was all so simple then when it all began, and I was your
smile.
And now you're just words in stone, you're just dust and bones
and I'll join you there in time.
Oh my God why can't you take it away just give me one more
day of just apologizing.


I like it when people don't die...please don't die.

.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4156122/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4156122/ Sat, 25 Dec 2004 17:11:30 PST Heh.. a Wiccan getting so excited over Christmas....only cause tomorrow I get to see my boyfriend.
Yay Saliva...what Christmasy music!
Today went well, I must say. I mean, I can't pretend that my parents didn't wake me at 3:30 a.m. because they did.
They woke me at 3:30 a.m.
3:30 in the morning. Good thing I love you, Mom.
It's a silly tradition we have...
Oh yah guess who got Oral-B brush ups in her stocking? They're all I asked for Christmas..seriously lol. WELL I must take my leave. And stuff. Can't wait for tomorrow... I love you Kyle.
ANd everyone, hope you're well. You know you're loved. ^^
"The clouds of doubt have made you blind so you are afraid of the emotions that you may find."
.:Stefany:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4068014/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4068014/ Tue, 14 Dec 2004 18:06:04 PST Thanks to my lil sweet honeybee.. [link] .
I love you!
And yes. I wrote an ENTIRE journal entry before this and and it frozed-ed and I have to start over.
But it's okay!
I have been much too happy lately. It's rather frightening.
I feel so special now!! LOOK EVERYONE A STAR! WEEEE!!!!
STEFY DA STAR!
And you HAVE to leave messages on my shoutboard. Or I will feel incomplete.

.:Stefy:.

]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4048422/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/4048422/ Sun, 12 Dec 2004 09:01:52 PST [link] Her. She has REALLY nice artwork too; only I'm too lazy to comment at the moment.

1) Using band names, spell out your name.
---------------
Seether
The Gorillaz
Evanescence
Faithless
Alice In Chains
Nine Inch Nails
Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? No... well. A boy at school named Dylan (hmm I consider him a friend of sorts, but we don't talk very often) told me that he had written a song for me as he was strumming his guitar. So I stood by to hear, and he played music without lyrics. Thus, I consider myself too inspiring for words.
3) What song makes you cry? Everclear .:Father of Mine:.
4) What song makes you happy? Bjork .:Its Oh So Quiet:. it is my long-time happy song, since I was 11!
5) HEIGHT: 165 centimeters. 5 feet, 6 inches.
6) HAIR COLOR: Red
7) EYE COLOR: Deep, clear, piercing light blue. Guaranteed to stun.
8) PIERCINGS: Ears pierced two times. Left eyebrow.
7) TATTOOS: None
8) WHAT YOU WEARING?: Worn blue jeans; they were given to me from a friend who outgrew them. A hooded sweatshirt with a gorgeous Brian Froud faery design.
9) WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nail's .:Hurt:.
10) WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Toothpaste
11) WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Light, refreshing mist.
12) HOW ARE YOU?: Harrassed but well.
13) GET MOTION SICKNESS? No
14) HAVE A BAD HABIT? Procrastinating to no end.
15) GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? My mom; forget about my stepfather.
16) LIKE TO DRIVE?: I would like to, yes.
17) BOYFRIEND?: Uh huh, I am disgustingly in love. Yay!
18) GIRLFRIEND?: Nuh uh
19) CHILDREN?: My hairbrushes are my children. Color coded and everything.
20) HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE? Getting over myself.
21) BEEN HURT? Well now, what do you think about that? Yah, that's what I fucking thought.
22) YOUR GREATEST REGRET? My father...not saying goodbye. And not saying goodbye to Josh; I had his number. I could have easily called him anytime. Really. -.-
23) YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW? Okay I must inquire. Why all the capital letters!?!? It really isn't necessary; I can read normal typing quite adequately.
24) IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Blue because everyone loves it.
25) WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? Myself, because I'm you know, really really ridiculous good looking. Red, compassion, rain- rain tapping on the window, whispers. Song, mystery, life. Freshly fallen snow. The words "I love you." The warmth of a blanket. Hot steam evaporating from a mug.Stars, hands, naked feet. My cat dipping her paw into her water dish and licking the water off delicately. A child's laughter. Kyle, he is the one I love...every touch, every kiss that enchants me to no end...
26) WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET? Flogging Molly --Drunken Lullabies

Seven things in your room:
1) My kitty
2) My diaries
3) Letters/notes I received from Brittany
4) A mess
5) My shoes and clothes
6) Invader Zim obsession objects
7) Faery obsession objects

Top seven things you say most:
1) I love you
2) Boo!
3) That is odd.
4) Can I hug you?
5) EWW!
6) Why am I friends with such dorks?
7) I'm brilliant, you know.

Do You:
Smoke? No
Drink? Yes, liquids are essenti... ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3996511/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3996511/ Sun, 05 Dec 2004 16:12:13 PST I was cleaning out my buddy list on AOL messenger. I came across Josh McKay's screen name.. I almost expect him to sign on but then I remember he can't. ..I just miss him at random moments, he pops into my head....
The last time Josh and I talked was online actually...since I had moved and everything. And we went through the "oh I miss you so much we really should get together sometime soon to hang out and catch up" thing.... and I sent him a recent picture of myself, and he told me that I had changed, but in a good way. Then he said he would be right back and I was like "aww okay"...he signed off a bit later; that was it. We never spoke again.
(He was the first boy to ever call me beautiful.)
To be truthful, I try my hardest to not go into depth with thinking about Josh's death. I know that it is undeniable but I can try.
I go through the many clichés of missing him...thinking of all the things left unsaid, the goodbye that never happened, the phone that never rings, the heart that just won't heal, the times that are lost....
"A MEMORY FADES TO A PALE LANDSCAPE"
Josh's laugh is still in my head. It has been one year and ten months since I last heard it, but it will never leave me. What else do I have of his that matters?
I used to think that there will always be a tomorrow. I want to tell Josh stupid jokes again.
I need to hear him telling me not to move away, and this time I swear I'll listen to him and not let my mom drag me away. I will stay and we can be friends again, forever like we were supposed to be. It hurts to have Josh gone and it hurts more when I think back to when I left Brewer without much of a chance to tell him goodbye.
]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3965034/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3965034/ Wed, 01 Dec 2004 14:38:30 PST 1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3953651/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3953651/ Tue, 30 Nov 2004 05:46:09 PST I need to carry my hand-written journal with me more often....because I know that someday, these days that I want to end so quickly will dissapear from my memory even faster. Will I remember ten years from now that I spent this very day panicking to complete my Roots of Democraxy homework? More than likely, no. Will it truly matter to me?? Again, no. But there are things definitely worthy of remembrance. And unless I record them I am not likely to hold them forever in my memory...my memory is lacking in effectiveness heh.
And here I shall paste words from a previous entry I wrote because I feel this way once again:
I want rain...
Torrential rain, right now. There is no better weather. As it pours down onto my hair and streams down to my delighted feet, I shriek with laughter--no different then my laughter during childhood.
Rain; the perfect artist's muse, the writer's muse as well...
But as a child this never occurred to me. Rain was but another forbidden element in my life; parents always tell their children to not play in rain. However, I was determined. The puddles were my playground and the rain was my security blanket.
Although I shiver without fail after stepping inside, it is a coldness that heals. That embraces like the bosom of a giant ice sculpture.
Rain rain...come my way. I want to go back to another day..
Love you all,
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3927907/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3927907/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 21:47:13 PST I need an extra pick me-up....I feel lonely even though I know I am loved from all directions.


My Christmas List:
*Have my father for Christmas
....is that too much to ask?

I want my daddy alive not dead.
Am I too demanding?
According to the powers that be, I am.


I really can't make this stop right now. My outer shell is numb to comfort.... I don't want anything material.

"sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone...and I'm sure the view from heaven, beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year....
down here
and things sorta start reminding me of my last night with you
I only need one more day;
just one more chance to say...I wish that i had gone up with you too
you won't be coming back
and I didn't get to say goodbye.
I really wish I got to say goodbye...
I hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here" ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3903774/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3903774/ Tue, 23 Nov 2004 18:53:15 PST Friends....no matter how very close they become
may eventually.... drift. apart.

And it is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. SAD. FUCKED-UP.
SHOCKINGLY REPELLENT. GHASTLY. AWFUL. DREADFUL. TERRIBLE.
Sucky. Not happy at all.
Because you originally pour all of this love and effort into your friends......you really do care and you really do love.
Then something happens--moving, fights, new friends.
Your love is STILL THERE but what to do with it!? You don't have anything in common anymore. You never talk. And you didn't do ANYTHING wrong, it's something that just happened. "happened". Oh how sad, so tragic...
There has to be a reason somewhere. You can't just STOP being close with someone can you?

Falling apart from those you love is THE most terrifying situation I can imagine. I know it could be worse... -.-
But I miss my friends. I need a Brittany hug and a Katrina hug.
And a Kyle my boyfriend hug..

My heart is in pain from being pulled so so much.... I love too intensely for my own good.
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3871876/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3871876/ Fri, 19 Nov 2004 14:45:00 PST Stefany is _________.
Stefany isn't ________.
Stefany makes me feel ________.
One thing that I like about Stefany is ________.
If I could change one thing about Stefany I would change ________.
Stefany should ________.
If Stefany were a color, she would be ________.
If Stefany were an animal, she would be ________.
If Stefany were a candy, she would be ________.
If Stefany were a song, she would be ________.
I dislike it when Stefany ________.
If I could be with Stefany right now, I would ________.
If I could give Stefany one thing, it would be ________.
Sometimes, when I think of Stefany, I ________.



Seriously fill this out, I love this sort of thing.
Love you all...specially my Sirosis!!!
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3811574/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3811574/ Thu, 11 Nov 2004 16:35:05 PST
Moving on. I love you my friends...argh everyone is so supportive and I feel so grateful.
BRITTANY!!!!! You don't hate me O_O Kyle said you did, but I can't trust him at all anyway. I hate him so. BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! I DO I DO!! (platonically) Heh. We need each other in these times of hardship, but *platonic sigh* we are separate rather than together. Eh...yah. I'm so glad you still love me, and we're still bestest friends right? Right. Wooo! Hopefully I shall take driver's education in January; then six or nine....um some months later. LICENSE TO DRIVE! Sleepovers of doom again, perhaps? I do hope so. *squeak*
Everyone else: okay you know I love you. Yep. Not enough energy to completely spaz over everyone else. BUT MY GOODNESS YOU ALL ARE GORGEOUS! Yes.
Er....running out of clever things to say. Not that what I said before was clever. Mr.Biffles
Please accept my offerings of Hugs. They are great.

.:Stefany:.

ps. My daddy is looking out for me now...don't worry about me okay?
Thank you so much. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3665213/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3665213/ Sun, 24 Oct 2004 17:30:48 PDT I really do.
But you see, things are not well. Not at all.
Hmm...where should I begin?
With two Sundays ago? When our Internet was shut down because my mother stopped paying for it.

But oh, that is nothing to lament over. Not compared to last Friday.
In the morning, I went to school only to first discover that my current boyfriend had cheated on me--had made out with one of my closest friends. Bastards.


Hah oh, and do you want to know what else?
Later on Friday--my mother revealed to me that my biological father had died.
Of a heart attack.
In his sleep.
I bet your life seems better now, doesn't it?
But seriously....I'm still..so sad. I'm mourning.
Even though he hasn't been a part of my life since I was four, he is my father.
I will have to live the rest of my life without a daddy. Half of what I am is gone.
Half of my heart. Good-bye.

Sobbing would be an understatement of how I've spent my time. And to think that before I was worrying about ..trivial concepts.
God, I love you all. Every single person who pays attention to me. I really do love you so much; thank you.
I will try to comment but...the numbers are ridiculously high!!
Heh yah... to you all.

.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3541386/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3541386/ Fri, 08 Oct 2004 10:24:04 PDT
NO SCHOOL! For me. Today.
Nanananana!! Teachers workshops are good... @.@
And tonight I get to go to my friend Jaimie's birthday party!
She is finally 15, a bit behind the rest of us in the neighborhood but... Yay for her!
I drew a Tinker Bell for her; it really is adorable. She is sitting on the ground and laughing... I hope Jaimie likes it!

Today is a good day.
Remember: Girls are emotional, but that's because we're special.


.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3526589/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3526589/ Wed, 06 Oct 2004 12:47:54 PDT Torrential rain, right now. There is no better weather. As it pours down onto my hair and streams down to my delighted feet, I shriek with laughter--no different then my laughter during childhood.
Rain; the perfect artist's muse, the writer's muse as well...
But as a child this never occurred to me. Rain was but another forbidden element in my life; parents always tell their children to not play in rain. However, I was determined. The puddles were my playground and the rain was my security blanket.
Although I shiver without fail after stepping inside, it is a coldness that heals. That embraces like the bosom of a giant ice sculpture.
Rain rain...come my way. I want to go back to another day..
Love you all,
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3482740/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3482740/ Thu, 30 Sep 2004 18:08:32 PDT Yep. Just to...update.
Yes I am okay... I can't fall apart now. I can't be anything other than okay.
I miss Josh terribly still; I shall forever. But I have again found the ability to laugh, and I only cried once today.
We will be together again someday, then it'll be better even than before... Its just that right now, he's still away from me in body.. He isn't there to hug me or hold me, to tell me its okay, they were mistaken...he really isn't dead.
Of course I am no longer in denial; I've accepted this as truth. But I can dream.
Now I know why. Why life is worth living. Before it seemed meaningless, even tiresome to me. A burden.
But love? Love when it is pure, endless, coming from a spirit as true as your own...that is never tiresome, nor a burden. Love from a child's gaze, a grandparent's embrace, a mother's tears.. All love is irreplacable.
To live in a world where some actually wish to put death upon themselves... that sickens me. To do such a thing would end so much, but never the love others have for you.
Others would find you gone, and they can do nothing with their love for you than mourn in deep sorrow. Because you cannot kill love. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3445445/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3445445/ Sat, 25 Sep 2004 18:01:55 PDT I can't express how much I missed you before, and now I shall miss you forever.

My friend Josh McKay... he was on a camping trip and he went to put out a firework and the tree he had his hand on broke and he fell off of a cliff...he died, I went out with him once I haven't seen him for over a year now....
But..
I miss him. This is completely unreal...
Why am I online? Oh, to retain as much sanity as possible.
Josh....
I thought he was invincible.
I'm in disbelief, yet total realization...

I love you Josh. I should have kissed you when I had the chance..
But you were a good hugger.

Love, Stefany ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3422533/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3422533/ Wed, 22 Sep 2004 15:29:38 PDT Nickname: Stefy, Fluff, Blueberry, Chickenfruit..
Age: 15
Sex: Female
Sexuality: Straight
Single?: Sort of not, I guess.. o.O
Shoe size: 7 1/2
Questions:
Do you like chicken wings?: No; I am a mad, mad veggie.
Have you ever eaten dog food?: I did try it when I was a kid; I'll admit I didn't find it completely horrible.
Most embarassing moment?: Fondling a stranger's toe.
Ever had a crush on a teacher?: Ehehe yah, but he wasn't my teacher..
Did you cry during Titanic?: I cried from laughing so much
Do you like anime?: As long as it isn't hentai, I'll watch at least a bit of it.
Do you like videogames?: I like the Sims, Dance Dance Revolution and Spyro... I suck at all other ones.
What's your favorite music category?: Rock, rock, alternative rock, and angsty shit
What sound annoys you the most?: The sound people make as they eat loudly
Are most of your CDs burned or purchased? Burned (in the fire, back in '42)
Do you laugh when nothing's funny?: Yes. I laughed in biology yesterday when they showed a frog being infected by a tapeworm..
Do you cry when nothing's sad?: Quite a bit
Do you own more then 332 animals?: No
Do you have any animals?: two calico kitties!
What's your animal's name(s)?: My kitty: Ame, pronounced like A-may My sister's kitty: Jasmine
Do you like your real name?: Yesh
If not, what do you want your real name to be?: Something more romantic, like Mrs. Mike Shanoda
Do you like reality shows?: None besides the Assistant; am in love with Andy's Dick.
What color would you dye your hair?: Purple
Are you a vegetarian?: Yes I am.
What do you want to be in the future?: A cosmetologist for dead people...you know, doing dead people's make-up
Do you believe in Santa?: Not no mores...
The Tooth Fairy?: I do believe in fairies.. But not the tooth one; I found my teeth in my mum's jewelry box when I was seven, sort of crushed my heart.
The Easter Bunny?:
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: Yah.. I have gir as a robot, gir in his puppy dog suit, Rudolph the tye-dyed dolphin, a teddy, a doggy, Helena the blue kangaroo, my kiss-kiss bears, my Bleeding Edge dolly, my Tinker Bell doll..
Personal quote?: "I love you...>.> sort of."
Veiws:
Gay marriage: YES! I have written a rant about my views.
So...as you probably know, I am straight. But I completely can see the gay's side on this issue. To you other straight people: Say you're a woman. You're in love with a man, but the government tells you that can't marry a guy. That if you want to get married, it has to be to a woman.
That is exactly what they are telling gays. When a man is in love with another man, the government tells him "You cannot marry who you are in love with. If you want to marry, it has to be with a woman."
Am I the only one to see things this way? Love happens, it often isn't controlled. (Unless you're playing Sims) I can't imagine being told that I can't marry a guy if he is who I love and wish to spend the rest of my life with. That would drive me insane.
I really wish I could do something about this. It annoys me.
Abortion: Yes; it is the mother's decision.
Marrying your family: No. Not for any reason ever.
Death penalty: No, but I do believe in torture.
War: It's bad. Ouchie. Evil. Stupid buttheads fighting!
America: Sucks. It is a contradiction in the making. The very idea of an "empire democracy"...hah.
Sexism: Yah, why not. Its always typical for guys to do certain things and for girls to, so why not point them out? As long as it isn't extreme.
Cruelty to animals: Never. How could you hurt dem?
Racism: Noo no no. http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3384459/ Fri, 17 Sep 2004 12:56:09 PDT Yay I got to sleep! Instead of getting up at 5 am.. I woke up at 6 am!

I miss my Rossy-Ross... *sniff*
He..he is the bestest hugger ever ever ever!! And and he is mine all mine.. and I miss hi-i-i-i-iim!
You are thinking I am pathetic. I know.
Well yay for your intelligence to figure that out. Good for you.
Pat yourself on the back. Woo.

Feeling entirely half-dead with a migraine. I asked my stepfather and sister to quiet down; my stepfather protested most profusely. He went on yelling louder.
My head suffers. Curses.
And I gots a cold. It makes me go *sniff sniffle*
Oh yay, my sister just pulled down the back of my computer chair so my knee JAMMED into the desk. Wow what a wonderful day.
.:Stefany:.

Oh yah I'm not showing my ID. I feel ugly lately and need to do something about it. I'll try to take a really really pretty picture of myself soon and put it on here!
Girls are emotional, but that's because we're special. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3230655/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3230655/ Sat, 28 Aug 2004 09:34:31 PDT It's about murder. In the name of love; so that makes it okay.

I start school in....FIVE DAYS! On Thursday the 9th. That is so close...so close I can smell it. I really can't wait, school is a good place for me. Haha I love being a smart dork slash spelling Nazi.

WHOA you know what?? I visited my own site...you know checking up, seeing if anyone commented on my main site.. (which no one ever does anymore *cough cough* ) I have 22 people watching me! Weee!! I feel loved. PLUS guess how many pageviews?? 686! Yaaaaay!!!!!!!!!
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3225471/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3225471/ Fri, 27 Aug 2004 15:16:43 PDT Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Now I'll now how well you know me! BWAHAHA! It shouldn't be that hard...lol. If anyone even decides to take it. I hope you do. I'll love you forever even if you get every question wrong!
.:Stefany:.

P.S. I bought some kickass running shoes today. Running cross country this year...go me. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3196329/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3196329/ Mon, 23 Aug 2004 14:55:11 PDT
Friday: Ross's BIRTHDAY! 14th one. He is only one year younger than me, I don't get why everyone makes a HUGE deal out of it. He is much taller than I now, probably four or five inches. It's strange, I used to be taller, but its nice. We went out to the Olive Garden for dinner with Aurora and Julia, who is friends with his mum; Julia is only 25 and she acts like our age anyway. Julia ordered a glass of red wine and didn't like it. So Ross and I took sips of it throughout the meal, being all giggly and sneaky in an obvious way. It was silly.
Then we took a taxi from the restaurant to the Bangor Mall. We had about half an hour before the movie started, so we ran amuck. Ross, Aurora and I squeezed into the photo booth, I had to sit in Ross's lap so we coud fit lol. So I looked the tallest! Weehoo!! And in two out of the four pictures, I look possessed. My eyes were rolled into the back of my head, hahahaha.
After mall adventures, we went to see Exorcist: the Beginning. I was sort of dissapointed; I mean, I knew it wouldn't be as good as the first, nothing could be. But I'm not into the explaining bit... *yawn* You know? It was fun nevertheless.
I hadn't seen Aurora in a year and a half...O_O So I loved hanging out with her.

Next day: Saturday. Mom drove me to MANDA KENNYKINS' HOUSE!! Her mom took us to the mall--it was slightly traumatizing for me. See, I was innocently going for a paper towel to dry my hands after I had washed them in the lady's potty room, so I stood beside the old lady who was receiving them at the time. This lady, who looked rather creepy anyway, turned to me and said, "You better not hurry or you'll break my other arm!" This did not make any sense so of course I giggled quietly. Then she yelled, "IT'S NOT FUNNY!" I was very frightened. She made me completely paranoid.
On the lighter side, later Amanda and I went into CVS and recieved a free pink balloon. We went around saying to random people "Want a balloon?? Fifty bucks!" It was greater than great.
I stayed over, I fell asleep watching Carrie ...who else could fall asleep watching Carrie??
.:Stefany:.

TIINY BUBBLES!! ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3145778/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3145778/ Tue, 17 Aug 2004 08:43:13 PDT I went to see Princess Diaries 2 last night with Amanda, Jaille, Ashley and Jaimie. And afterwards Jaille and I were laughing so hard for a reeeaaaaally long time, I felt like throwing up I laughed so hard. It was fun. We weren't laughing about the movie, just stuff we were talking about.
When I got home I was still laughing really hard and my cousin and sister were playing Halo, I walked in laughing hysterically and they were like "wow you're drunk". But I wasn't, I don't do drugs lol.
Grah I am effing hyper. Heh.
.:Stefany:.

When I woke up, the rain was pourin down.
There were people standin all around.
Somethin warm flowin through my eyes,
but somehow I found my baby that night.
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said,
"Hold me darlin just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her--our last kiss.
I found the love that i knew i had missed
well now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life-- that night.

oh where Oh where can my BAABY be?? the lord took her away from mee! she's gone to heaven, so I got to be good so I can see my baby when I leeeaave this world
(I'm listening to Last Kiss by Pearl Jam haha) ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3108287/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3108287/ Thu, 12 Aug 2004 13:43:06 PDT 1. I am left handed.
2. Because of this I tend to be messy, emotional, clumsy and...unique.
3. I have 3 mental disorders: bipolar type 2, borderline personality disorder, and ADHD. I only like one of them--ADHD. Its fun.
4. After dying my hair purplish red, blonde, blue, and "burgundy" I am now growing it out the natural color I was born with. (Still trying to figure it out)
5. I have a very real fear of getting skin cancer, so I feel the need to slather sunblock on myself anytime I venture outside.
6. Six is my favorite number.
7. I have a slight lisp with a mind of its own.
8. I am much too often referred to as "cute".
9. I cannot stand chocolate ice cream.
10. I aboslutely adore and worship my younger sister.
11. My favorite animal is the snake.
12. When I have my own house I will have an ant farm and no one will stop me.
13. When I was a kid, I had a severe phobia of insects and spiders--now I pick them up and play with them.
14. I broke my arm at the age of 4, almost snapped a bone in half, and I didn't cry at all.
15. I'm a vegetarian that eats tofu.
16. I love the taste of(my)blood.
17. I believe in fairies.
18. I haven't seen my biological father since I was four. I don't really mind.
19. I love playing the Sims. I am completely addicted.
20. I have run with scissors and came out of the situation unscathed.
21. I purposely bite the inside of my lower lip to make it bleed when I'm bored. But its really sore afterwards.
22. My favorite cereal is Frosted Flakes.
23. I never questioned my sexuality, I always knew I'm straight.
24. I am mostly Irish and partially Swedish.
25. I recently cut my bangs so short that I had to clip them back.
26. I cut my hair with a knife once. My mom has the hair.
27. I'm going to do dead people's makeup when I grow up.
28. I hardly ever have good cereal in my house. My parents buy Raisin Bran and Special K...blech.
29. I sleep with tons of stuffed animals and dolls, and when I wake up in the morning they're all on the floor.
30. I'm scared to grow up.
31. And completely terrified to grow old.
32. I would literally give a kidney to live back in Brewer.
33. I once had a beta fish whom I named Tinker Bell..I was very attached to him. He died after six days and I cried for five days.
34. Playing in the rain brings great enjoyment for me.
35. I am a huge fan of my own poetry.
36. Of course, I love other poetry too.
37. I always smell pretty.
38. My cat is named Ame, which is Japanese for candy and rain. I am very protective of her.
39. The only time I really get hungry is when I'm PMSing.
40. I love my feet--they're long and skinny. I just love them.
41. I never EVER tire of shopping.
42. I am so kind, people often see me as a pushover.
43. I have a Tinker Bell obsession/fascination.
44. I can't sleep in past 9 a.m. anymore.
45. I have a journal that my mom bought for me at a yard sale. It belonged to a girl that had died in a car accident, the yard sale was to fund her family, because her siblings had to get surgery and into wheelchairs. There isn't anything in it..
46. I used to have a Teddy Ruxpin.
47. I had a Glo Worm too.
48. I feel guilty for eating gummy bears.
49. I dreamed about a giant chicken named Chickenhead stalking, attacking and violently killing all of my friends and I last night.
50. I laugh very squeakily and loudly and screechingly without stopping when someone tickles my feet.
51. My feet are always cold.
52. Cuddling is my most favorite thing to do in the world.
53. I haven't been to Disneyland.
54. I am an Aries. A typically stubborn one.
55. My friends offer to give me "bitch" lessons a lot because they say I'm too nice.
56. I hug a lot.
57. Fluff makes me incredibly happy to eat.
58. My grandfather called me Blueberry, he said this was because my eyes are like "two big blueberries".
59. I miss my grampy.
60. I try to be brave about everything.
61. My childhood imaginary friends were Alvin the Chipmunk and Caspar the friendly ghost.
62. Escalators greatly amuse me.
63. I dressed up as Raggedy Ann for Halloween once.
64. I was also a psychopathic maniac once. (for Halloween)
65. I love hopscotch.
66. My first boyfriend and best friend was Ricky Tyarella in preschool, he was my neighbor, we were both four. He moved away, I'm still sad about it.
67. I'm flexible.
68. I don't have caller I.D.
69. I want to have a star named after me.
70. I am a strong believer in pinky swears.
71. It annoys me how everything is right-hand orientated.
72. I am... ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3049074/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3049074/ Thu, 05 Aug 2004 12:05:11 PDT So I appreciate this as it happens. My stepfather is rather old, 52-sometimes I picture life when he is gone. I get a sense of relief so sudden and complete it scares me. Does this mean I want him dead?
Well he isn't my father. The fact that I have lived with him since I was three does not make him my father, as he constantly reminded me as I was growing up. "Don't call me dad, I'm not your father. You have a real father that isn't me." This was always driven into my head, and when I was old enough to comprehend it, I was also old enough to know that my biological father, my "real" one, wasn't allowed to have any contact with me. I can't see him, nor talk to him on the phone, or even write-not since I was four. He obviously can not be a dad for me.
I haven't seen him since I was four, but I can still remember his coming home shitfaced. His passing out. How he got so clumsy when he fell over he bled and bled sometimes. How at the ages of two and three, still living with him, I had to help my mom take care of my own father. How he used to grab me by the neck of my shirt and suspend me from the second-floor stairs landing above the first-floor carpet, as I dared not move for fear of falling. My what good memories. Granted he is Irish but that's no excuse. All he gave me was bipolar. Yay, I got to inherit his craziness.
So I'm without a father-boo fucking hoo, that I don't care about. It's the failure of the father figures I have had. My stepfather, who my mom "loves" (damn how could she love him!?), has pushed me to smoke pot-yah marijuana, and yet has the initiative to reprimand ME for crying. I believe pot may be a BIT worse than crying. For one, crying isn't illegal. Everyone talks about fucking "peer pressure", what do you do when the man your mom is married to pushes you to try drugs, claiming it will make you "feel better". I declined of course. Just because my entire family is fucked up from drugs doesn't mean I will be.
My stepfather reminds me of fucking Hitler. He runs the house like he expects royalty or something. "Do the fucking dishes! Bring in the laundry!" (talking to a cat on the windowsill) Git down from there you cocksucker!" Another one of his famous sayings: "If it was (note the was instead of were) up to me you'd get yer ass kicked!" (or slapped) Luckily he won't go that far because of my mom. He just complained that he can't afford to give me $25 for school shopping for this weekend (come on 25 fucking dollars!?) when he spent $90 on pot three days ago. Gee I wonder why he never has any fucking money.
And his voice. I can not STAND how HORRIBLY he talks. He uses ain't in place of can't and am not and in every single situation he can say it, he says car like cah and he feels he needs to yell anything that withdraws from his mouth. If I point any of this out he just yells more in his hideously annoying voice. *twitch* Oh and you know how he says the word horse? He says hoss. WTF!?
He is so unintelligent. He also makes it a rare occasion to shower and therefore stinks disgustingly. Do I need more reasons to hate him? Oh yah...he definitely isn't good enough for my mother. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3039091/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/3039091/ Wed, 04 Aug 2004 02:43:12 PDT Ummm yep. I went to teh fair yesterday, 'twas wristband day. And JUST as we were leaving, it started POURING. I felt bad for the people who just got there. Cause they didn't get to do any fun stuff like waste their money like I DID! I hung out with my friend Kira and her lil sister and my lil sister, guess you might call it babysitting I don't get paid for. Anyway, me and my sister went on aallll the FREAKY rides together, we enjoy them. But Kira gets kinda scared of heights shoo..yep. It was pretty lame this year, there wasn't much. They didn't have the quarter thingies where you win MORE quarters and I look old enough to play those now (I'm only 6 months from being 16). And I gots SOAKED! My brother and his girlfriend took me and my sister out for pizza afterwards, so you'd think it would be nice and warm while we ate. But NUU the restaurant was freezing! >.< I did live. I dun think I'm sick. I gots to have my own lil cheese pizza because everyone else had pizza with MEAT on it....eww meat.
I woke up at 3 this morning. Veery early. Very strange for me. I watched the movie Thirteen, it is reeally good, I sort of related to it besides the drugs part because I don't do drugs. It was brilliant though, you should go watch it. I wuv you, friends.
.:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2970778/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2970778/ Mon, 26 Jul 2004 08:44:23 PDT .> now for the pasting. Wait...you can go there. (if ye want hee)[link]

But I promise I'll write more in here! I feel so rested right now...last night I went to bed at 7:30 at night and woke at 7 this morning. I love sleeping for that long...I feel so peaceful when I awake. Yah. I'm happy.
And I'm working on this drawing...I have a really good inspiration for it, but just can't seem to draw it properly on paper. But I am trying. ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2427530/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2427530/ Fri, 14 May 2004 12:27:53 PDT I remember the last time that I had her stay over, I didn't have my bunk beds anymore so we shared a bed. We talked for a really long time about everything ((as usual)), and she fell asleep first. Those of you who know Brittany know her as always loud, always waving her arms around, making sick jokes....You should see her sleeping. She looked, and I know she would kill me for saying this...lovely. Cute. And vulnerable. She curled up into a little ball with her hands tucked in. It amazed me how different she looked...it made me think "Aww...this is what she must have looked like when she was little." The image of her like that is stuck in my head. When I think of her, that is usually the first that I think of. When I saw her like that, I wanted to just..protect her from everything evil, because I realized that she is vulnerable. I miss her.... ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2328945/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2328945/ Fri, 30 Apr 2004 06:38:36 PDT
C-c-c-c-call me cumdumpster
C-c-c-c-call me a cunt
C-c-c-call me clever Is that still ok

D-d-d-d-did you watch the TV
Or hear it on the radio
Watch out for after school specials
Are we still ok
Well Ok

You call, and I'll answer
Make me understand
Why I have to hate you
That's quite ok

C-c-c-c-cumdumpster
C-c-c-c-cunt
C-c-c-call me clever
Is that still ok

D-d-d-d-did you tap the payphone
Or read it in a magazine
Becoming after school specials
Are we still ok
Well ok

You call, I'll answer
Make me understand
Why I have to hate you
That's quite ok

C-c-c-c-cumdumpster
C-c-c-c-cunt
C-c-c-call me clever
Is that still ok

D-d-d-d-do you still need me
Now that I'm a monster
Paranoid media frenzy
Tells me I'm ok

You call, I'll answer
Make me understand
How I have to hate you
That's quite ok

You call, and I'll answer
You'll ask and I'll lie
As I grow to hate you
That's quite ok
Quite OK

WOO! Ehehe ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2155568/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2155568/ Mon, 05 Apr 2004 06:45:47 PDT
Asthenia Lyrics



Last night it came as a picture
With a good reason, a warning sign
This place is void of all passion
If you can imagine it's easy if you try
Believe me I failed this effort
I wrote a reminder this wasn't a vision
This time where are you Houston
Is somebody out there will somebody listen

Should I go back should I go back should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back should I go back should I
I hope I won't forget you

My head is made up of memories
Most of them useless delusions
This room is bored of rehearsal
And sick of the boundaries
I miss you so much

Should I go back should I go back should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back should I go back should I
This time I don't want to
Should I go back should I go back should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back should I go back should I
I hope I won't forget you

Should I go back should I go back should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back should I go back should I
This time I don't want to
Should I go back should I go back should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back should I go back should I
I hope I won't forget you ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2120380/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2120380/ Wed, 31 Mar 2004 04:36:47 PST
Some of my friends say "happy birthday" to me...but some don't :. Psh to those who do not!! Hm. Anywho I get to be 15 now!!!! :wOOt!: ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2056474/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2056474/ Sun, 21 Mar 2004 15:02:34 PST ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2035136/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2035136/ Thu, 18 Mar 2004 06:49:33 PST I miss my friends damnit!! I hope Britt is okey... ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2032163/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2032163/ Wed, 17 Mar 2004 17:54:23 PST ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2028127/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/2028127/ Wed, 17 Mar 2004 04:50:15 PST ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1979056/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1979056/ Tue, 09 Mar 2004 06:40:39 PST ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1955311/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1955311/ Fri, 05 Mar 2004 06:48:05 PST n-yah! byebyes ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1951392/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1951392/ Thu, 04 Mar 2004 14:05:06 PST Sarcastic Mister know it all
close your eyes and I'll kiss you cause'
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This loney view
With the birds I'll share
this lonely view

Push me up against the wall
Young kentucky girl in a push-up bra
Fallin' all over myself
To lick your heart and taste your health 'cause
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

Blood loss in a bathroom stall
Sounthern girl with a scarlet drawl
Wave goodbye to ma and pa 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

Soft spoken with a broken jaw
Step outside but not to brawl
Autumn's sweet we call it fall
I'll make it to the moon if i have to crawl
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic Mister know it all
close your eyes and I'll kiss you cause'
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
this lonely view...

I love that song..its by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. yeah..quie expressive and such. *runs* ]]> ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1899041/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1899041/ Tue, 24 Feb 2004 14:45:02 PST ~hellishfluff http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1871378/ http://hellishfluff.deviantart.com/journal/1871378/ Sat, 28 Aug 2004 09:35:56 PDT .:Stefany:. ]]> ~hellishfluff