http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:hopefullittlegirl&section=today deviantART RSS for by:hopefullittlegirl en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 25 Nov 2009 04:07:28 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/28369231/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/28369231/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 07:49:27 PST
I am getting married. Hopefully next december. Thats when I decided I want to have the wedding. And hopefully it will be in New Jersey, since that is where we want to live, and because I want there to be snow on the ground on our wedding day.

Hopefully we will be moving soon. I am ready to get the heck outta here. And I really just want to curl up to my baby more than 4 nights a week, although I am very lucky for those 4 nights every week.


My father is getting married too, and moving out of the city. I will miss him, since I am pretty sure I won't be able to come with him. I don't know when he is getting hitched, or when he is moving, I only know it will be relatively soon, like within the next year. I am very happy for my daddy. He deserves this woman, and the happiness she brings him.


Life is good.
I am so happy.
And happy to be happy.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27281373/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27281373/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:06:08 PDT
]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27267247/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27267247/ Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:07:10 PDT "No argument. No QUESTIONS. Mom and I are taking Shon to the hospital in Kansas City. You need to stay here. Not a word."

Shon is my brother.
Shon is bipolar.
Shon skips school every other day.
Shon doesn't care about anything.
Shon set our back yard on fire.
Shon almost killed me once.
Shon has no friends.
Shon doesn't talk unless he is yelling at me.

Why is Shon going to the hospital? IDFK
Is it a regular hospital or a special kind of hospital? Idfk

Am I freaking out right now?
Very much so.



Who is going to take care of my dog? Because I am not at home.

When will they be back from KC, I wish I knew.
No questions, remember.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27244659/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27244659/ Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:29:08 PDT
I hate being emo. It sucks.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27178116/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27178116/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:11:59 PDT
]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27156584/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27156584/ Fri, 11 Sep 2009 18:35:56 PDT His name is Chomper. He is a black Labrador Retriever.
He is 3 years old. Beautiful.
And I was the one to pick him.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27156106/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27156106/ Fri, 11 Sep 2009 18:10:38 PDT Yeah, that was great.
Sexy and delicious haha.

He had a bit of a breakdown.
But I am good at fixing those. It got better.

Then we had a heart to heart.
We have at least one everyday, but usually we have several.

Whenever he has to leave, those are the worst moments of our lives.
We just stand there for like 5 minutes before we are able to sorta let go. And then we hold hands and he steps away very slowly, and tugs me closer to him, and we tug away.
Fuck.
Its so...difficult.
I want to run away. We could go far away, anywhere I want he said, and just us.

I know how dumb that sounds. How juvenile.
But this is the real thing. Finally. And I don't want anything to get in the way.



I miss him. I missed him the second I turned my back on him when he had to leave. its been 4 hours.
I wish my dad was not here. I wish he was staying at his girlfriends.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27098313/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27098313/ Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:04:09 PDT Thanks for proving it.





If only I could explain what you do to me.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27013335/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27013335/ Fri, 04 Sep 2009 11:11:34 PDT Hmm what to do?
Boyfriend?

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27000540/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/27000540/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:44:13 PDT



Thank you baby!

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26977817/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26977817/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:30:24 PDT 2. I love the way you tell me I deserve the world.
3. I love the way you take every risk you have to, in order to be with me, to touch me, to have me.
4. I love the way you say I can have anything I want.
5. I love that you want me to have your children.
6. I love the way it feels to be perfect.
7. I love the way you wrap me in your arms.
8. I love the way you can make me fall asleep just by whispering that you love me.
9. I love the way we talk and talk and talk, and I know we'll never stop.
10. I love how its been 9 days since you started to work in my heart, and I know I can't live without you.
11. I love how you tell me I am your soulmate.
12. I love being the person you dream of night after night.
13. I love how you can't win.
14. I love that you can tell me exactly how I am feeling.
15. I love that you wear your heart on your sleeve.
16. I love how much I can drive you crazy.
17. I love how it feels to have you within me.
18. I love that when we are in a room, I am the only, only one you see.
19. I love the way my body freezes from the inside out whenever I press my lips against yours.
20. I love how stubborn you think you are.
21. I love how you give me everything.
22. I love how you think we should skip those 6 years.
23. I love how you tell your mom how much you need me.
24. I love that your mom knows I am the one.
25. I love that you don't even have to try.
26. I love having you wrapped around my finger.
27. I love that you will wait.
28. I love that thing you do...
29. I love how vulnerable I am willing to be with you.
30. I love how you fell in love with me.
31. I love how it took 4 days for you to just know.
32. I love that you tell me about your awful past.
33. I love that you are willing to support me.
34. I love that you dominate me at all the right times.
35. I love that you will give up sleep to make sure I don't have my nightmares.
36. I love that you take off work, just to see me smile at you.
37. I love the way you talk.
38. I love that I am your angel.
39. I love that you tell me exactly what you are thinking.
40. I love that you never want me to stop talking.
41. I love that you love it when I sing.
42. I love it when you tell me not to stop singing.
43. I love that you sing to me.
44. I love how you stare at me.
45. I love that you support my shoe addiction.
46. I love that you love to travel.
47. I love your stories.
48. I love how you make me laugh, every single day.
49. I love how you can remember the first time I ever smiled at you.
50. I love that you can remember the first time we met.
51. I love that you use any excuse to touch me, even when they are around.
52. I love that you run your fingers through my hair, even when its tangled.
53. I love that you don't think I need to do anything in the morning to look my best.
54. I love that you think I'm cute.
55. I love how you have to have to have to match, and I hate matching.
56. I love that you can cook, and you want to cook for me.
57. I love that you don't ask, you just take from me what you know I want you to take.
58. I love how you make EVERYTHING about me.
59. I love how you take all my worries away.
60. I love how you would die to protect me.
61. I love that everything that is mine is yours, and that everything that is yours is mine.
62. I love how you tell me we should be married, this second.
63. I love how you always want to skip to sunday, because you know you will see me for sure.





now you know.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26939640/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26939640/ Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:34:19 PDT Why should I ever have to let go?


Thanks for giving me today.
I'm glad you took the day off just to come spend the day with me in bed.







I will.







Oh God!

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26930557/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26930557/ Mon, 31 Aug 2009 06:52:02 PDT
Why do I love you, like nothing I've ever loved before?




And why can't we run so far away and never come back?

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26744343/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26744343/ Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:18:10 PDT Nope. I wouldn't.
Because the intervention is perfectly okay with me.
I have what I want.
And I think its real this time. And I think it will be oh so very sweet.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26744295/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26744295/ Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:14:58 PDT

Something is finally right, finally perfect. Finally fucking real.

Please don't take it away.

I will do anything.


Please don't let this be a dream.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26738871/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26738871/ Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:03:43 PDT Even if its a little later than she wanted.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26682397/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26682397/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 22:49:19 PDT Who knew I was so awesome?

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26677021/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26677021/ Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:36:38 PDT I totally effed up my life.
That year was such a rollercoaster, with my mom's cancer and everything. I would even relive that if I could. Cause at least she was still alive. I could still look at her face, hear her voice, talk to her, hug her, look into her brown eyes...
I had a lot of the best friends I've ever had that year.
I miss it.
I miss lunch with Caitlin and Sydney and Logan and Denae and Emily... and Ethan and everyone! But especially Ethan. You have no idea how much he means to me.
I've known him longer than I've known most of the people in my life. Longer than Caitlin. Longer than I've known my own brothers.
Anyway.
Right now my life feels really empty.
Not because I don't have people in my life. I have loads of people to spend time with. But I have nothing to do when I am not with people, and when people are working, or at school all day I spend that much time alone, doing nothing productive.
I would give anything to have a job.
Yes, I love having free time to read, and write and sleep.
But I've been reading nonstop for the past three weeks, my eyes hurt. And I sleep way way too much, it's making me depressed.
I will do anything to get out of the house.

So I've pretty much been in love with ethan since I was 11, and actually it's really weird to have him back in my life. But not bad weird. Just like, I have to adjust. I also have to adjust to the fact that he isn't exactly mine, yet.
And remembering everything from way back when is, well it makes me so happy, but then it makes me compare it to the bull shit that I went through with Casey, Isaac and Zach. Wtf? Really?
How is it that my best relationship was with a guy during Jr freaking High?
Why is it, that he is still just as sweet as he was way back when, and he is also the most attractive guy I've ever been with, and not only that, but the coolest?

God.....I have to stop now. I really do.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26658033/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26658033/ Mon, 17 Aug 2009 19:39:43 PDT Which is so surprising, that I can't believe its possible.
I used to read them all the time. They were my favorite. But ever since Twilight the movie, I haven't been able to get past chapter one of Twilight.
So I am going to read them all again. I'm gonna take my time.

Ethan is amazing. That's all I have to say about that.

Oh and making out is great

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26639100/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26639100/ Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:20:02 PDT And I am so happy its him.


Best night ever.

God sure knows what he is doing.
Gotta love the plan!


Cheers to great make out sessions, and realizing where your heart has been for the past 4 years.

=]

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26633409/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26633409/ Sun, 16 Aug 2009 16:55:51 PDT Go Crista!

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26610381/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26610381/ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 13:58:55 PDT And baby, I know just how to get what I want out of you. You've made it all oh so easy.

Thanks for giving me what I want, even if you haven't given it to me yet... you will. When the time comes.



Haha, I love having the upper hand.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26595371/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26595371/ Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:11:55 PDT Maybe I actually meant it when I told him I loved him.
I thought I hadn't.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26550467/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26550467/ Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:41:29 PDT We went to lunch together, and then we went to the mall.
We shopped for quite a while.
Coach is by far one of my favorites.
We put in applications at two stores.
Charlotte Russe has some boots that I want. Hardcore.
Got samples at Dillards, and my skin is creamy white, and my lips are gorgeously red. Couture Suede to be exact. Which looks black, but with prom queen lip stain underneath it is the perfect shade of red-brown, for my completction.
Definately going to do this often.

I can't wait to get a job. A reason to wear make-up everyday.
A reason to look nice.
A reason to be the me from the inside.

I hope I get that one job.

Or the one at the tea place..
I really just want to walk into coach with money to buy something.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26545153/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26545153/ Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:59:39 PDT I'm looking for a job. Found a place I really really like, although it wouldn't be full time, which is the only downfall. I need full time right now. But I guess I will get what God feels is right for me.
As always.

I haven't really been up to much.
I went to see a movie with Shelby last friday. Julie and Julia. That was a pretty good movie.
And although there was a lot of food in it, some of it looked quite amazing, I was not at all hungry.
Actually I haven't been terribly hungry for a while.
I do eat, of course. When I feel it necessary.

I've been working-out here and there the past couple of weeks, trying to build up some muscle, since muscle burns more fat...so i've been told. I don't know how well that is going.
But I keep invisioning the person I was born to be, as opposed to the person I currently am, and it gives me some motivation.
But really I just need the guy I've been waiting for my entire life, and then I think some things will fall into place..Maybe not everything, but something.

I am still trying to figure out what I want to study in college, still having no luck. I'm praying that I will have some insight soon, hopefully before January.

Kelsay will be home next week. I am so excited. 9 Days.
And then I will feel not so alone anymore.
It's hard living life without your life long best friend.
She is winning the competition and I have to find a way to get ahead of her, or even just at the same place.
But I am not interested in Law...What could I go into that is better than that?
I couldn't handle a medical profession. My science scores on my ACTs were the worst...
And of course my English was the best.

Antonio, my dear friend, told me I should go into English. But for some reason every time I think of English I don't see what I used to see.
I love reading, I truly do. And I love writing. But I don't think it will take me anywhere.
I am waiting for God to tell me where I need to be.
But I have a feeling I will be waiting for a long time and I really only have until February to figure it out. I have to be in school by then so that I still have insurance.

Speaking of insurance,
I am going to the doctor next week, thank God.
My leg has been waking me up for days, and my sleep has been very unpleasant.
Although last night I slept peacfully..except for my horrid dream, in which at some point I was couching of thick black liquid. It was either motor oil or tar, I am not quite sure. Or maybe it was black blood, all of which are rather unpleasant to dream about.
I've never had such a dark dream before.. It was very disturbing.
Anyway.

I've been reading everyday, and I can't express how great it feels. Especially the anticipation of the end of each book, and the end of the series I am working on. I really can't wait to be finished with it so I can move on to something less dramatic and shallow and all consuming. Really all the lies, murder, scandals are really getting to me.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26522722/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26522722/ Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:45:31 PDT
The varied nature of animal life can be used to illustrate several different sleep styles. The first style—the lark—is a morning bird, your basic get-up-and-go type. If you wake up brimming with energy, sometimes even before the alarm clock rings, you’re a lark. Early to bed, early to rise, larks are well suited to the structure of the 9-5 workday.

“Larks tend to be go-getters but they’re not gregarious,” says Michael Smolensky, MD, co-author of The Body Clock Guide to Better Health, and visiting professor at the University of Texas, “They tend to be introverted, and are overall more conscientious and disciplined.”

Sometimes this can cause friction at work, Smolensky notes. “Larks tend to want to get to work early and are highly productive in the morning. This gets people jealous, especially when larks are working with late-risers.”

Women are more likely to be larks than men, at least in Western cultures—and older people become are more lark-like as they age.

The lark personality is also more depression-prone than those who are late-risers.

The Long Sleeper

Another way in which our sleep styles vary involves how long we like to sleep. If you crave a lot of sleep—even more than eight hours per night—it's likely you fall into the category of “ people who need people,” as the Streisand song goes.

Norah Vincent, PhD. Associate Professor and clinical psychologist at the University of Manitoba in Canada conducted a large study examining the relationship between sleep and personality in nearly 6,000 Americans.

“ People who were more reliant on others for good feelings about themselves tend to sleep significantly longer,” she says, noting that there’s nothing abnormal about this, it’s just a measure on which people vary significantly.


However, long sleepers do have a tendency towards depression, a condition that is also very sensitive to the amount of social support people have in their lives. Staying in close touch with family and friends improves health for virtually everyone—but long sleepers should keep these ties strong and active.

The Peaceful Sleeper
If you sleep like a log, you probably have an attitude of gratitude. A study of 161 people published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research found that those who focus on what they have—not what they lack—fall asleep faster and sleep more soundly. Grateful people are also less tired and more functional during the day.

Why would being grateful affect your sleep? The researchers found that this was related to the thoughts people had as they drifted off. Being thankful led to faster, deeper sleep.

“ People who are feeling more grateful are less tense and anxious, because the two are incompatible,” says Vincent. “A mental state like that at bedtime would be helpful for your sleep.”


The Dreaming Sleeper
Can you vividly recall your dreams each morning? Your sleep style indicates that you are likely highly creative in your waking life.


People with an intensely high level of dream recall have something that some have called ‘thin borders,’” says James Pagel, MD, Director of the Sleepworks Laboratory in Colorado Springs, Colorado, “That means that for them, everything is in shades of grey, there’s not whole lot of black or white. They’re not purely Democrats or Republicans; they are not quite asleep or awake and they define much of their lives in that way.”

Such people tend to be odd and quirky—and although most are perfectly normal, they are at higher risk than others for schizophrenia.






I found all of these things to be rather true about me.
I read about this on MSN.

[link]

I've been dreaming a lot lately. Multiple dreams in one night. Very detailed, very very real-like dreams. And some of them are creating drama within my head.
I have no idea what to think about certain situations anymore.




The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly....


But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone...



Oh darling I wish you were here.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26440553/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26440553/ Fri, 07 Aug 2009 08:56:19 PDT Made some cash wednesday and yesterday too.
Am hopefully going to a movie with Shelby today. I offered to pay which usually helps.
I should probably get ready soon..

Something is wrong with my knee. Gotta get an x ray sometime hopefully next week.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26399157/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26399157/ Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:06:55 PDT I just cant wait.

And in a few hours I will be 30 bucks richer. Sounds like a good reason to be happy.

And I am obsessed with Rob Hoffman. Idk, i wasn't until this morning. But I can't stop looking at him.

Not enrolling in college. I was going to, decided against that. At least for a little while.

Oh and I got my new phone and number.
Need it/ want it note me, and I'll send it your way.



God I love life.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26258207/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26258207/ Wed, 29 Jul 2009 15:35:00 PDT If we're friends on Facebook, i will just update my mobile number on there, so it will be easy to find.

I am excited!
My new phone is cool... well i don't have it yet, but the one I picked out is delicious, and ORANGE!


On another note...
Uh, went to my high school today. that was, weird.
It smelled really different in the hallways. They are sanding the floors or something. They aren't shiny anymore. It was weird.
I miss school soo soo much. I was at butler for 3 hours today, and i actually felt kinda good while I was there.
There were some okay looking guys there. Though none marriage worthy for me. I actually only know two guys that I would marry at this exact second if they decided they wanted to marry me. And I actually wouldn't be too surprised by that. well for one of them at least.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26215718/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26215718/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:12:50 PDT Burger King.
It's in walking distance. Less than a block away.
I kinda hope I get it, even if I don't want to work with food.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26168791/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26168791/ Sat, 25 Jul 2009 10:55:10 PDT I went to see The Proposal last night with my mama. It was very funny, and Ryan Reynolds is fantastic.
Why aren't all guys as dreamy as him?
That would just rock!

Anyway, am enrolling at Butler on monday, might be moving out of the city. I haven't decided. I guess I will have to make up my mind by monday.

Man I need a job still.
I miss having money.
I really wanna go on a shopping spree.
And I need to pick out a name for my new baby.. Girl name.
Hmm..can't be Penelope or Carling...or Jessica.. crap. Gotta find my names list...Never mind I got one.
Winter.
Saweet!
two weeks, Two weeks and she is all mine.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26147585/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26147585/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 09:40:28 PDT I don't want to feel sad. I have no actual reason to feel like this.
God loves me. And that's really all I need.
But when you look right through me,
when I sit here,
all alone,
day
after
day
after
day,
I don't know how to just feel happy all of the time.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26069188/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26069188/ Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:25:27 PDT But right now, even though I want you to be apart of my world, I would give everything to not want you in my world.
I don't need you.
There are few people I need.
jesus
my parents
Kelsay
and my best friends.

You aren't there.
but I know you could be. But I don't think you are supposed to be. So why can't I make this nagging feeling go away?


On another note, my new phone isn't working, and I am in a very irritated mood.I would throw it but that might make the problem worse.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26062513/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/26062513/ Mon, 20 Jul 2009 09:57:05 PDT I have never felt so close to God. I have never cried so much in my life. And I have never felt as if my life really had any purpose. I never felt like I had a calling. But now, I know that I do.
I don't yet know what God is calling me to do but when I know, I will do whatever it is he has planned for me.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25930851/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25930851/ Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:44:21 PDT Never missed my dad so much.
And my bed, and my lap top, and everything that makes home Home.
I am so tired though, so I am going to keep it short.
Good Night.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25781021/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25781021/ Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:32:13 PDT

I really just want to sleep... maybe if I read a little first... maybe I should take something...

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25776513/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25776513/ Mon, 06 Jul 2009 14:35:24 PDT
This is the first page of a new volume in my life. I am hoping it starts off well.. I might just write about it.. Maybe I should bring Ophelia with me? Hmm?
Have not decided yet.

I should take a nap soon. I am going to try to stay awake, though at this point I am sure that will not be much of an issue, my sleeping pattern is all out of wack. I was up until about 6 this morning and I finally decided I had to shut my eyes, long after I'd told myself I would fall asleep, haha.
I spent 5 hours reading after I told my sister good night.
It hasn't been that difficult to tear my eyes away from a book in a very very long time, since before november and it was very pleasant.


My awful sunburn is bothering me... my face is peeling, unpleasantly. The skin is raw underneath. To not peel it off though is unpleasant, the dead skin weirds me out..

I am on page 510 of the host... I am gettting anxious. I need a new book to read. Maybe I will read the fountain head or something.

I am really nervous about tonight(or tomorrow morning). I've never been in an airport and I have no clue what to expect. And I've obiously never been on a plane soo I am nervous about that. I hope I get a window seat.... I want to see out the window. I am excited to fly. I know I will love it. like a rush.

okay shutting up about it now.

Florida here I come!! Woot.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25765626/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25765626/ Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:42:17 PDT
I didn't mean anything to you. So why did you waste your precious time on me?

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25695265/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25695265/ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:50:05 PDT 5 days baby and I will be in Florida. I started packing today.
I bought my first bathing suit in like 4 years today, and I adore it, I want to wear it all the time. I am currently wearing it, fun stuff.

Gonna go swimming with Shelb tomorrow at my pool, if it doesn't rain tonight.

I am currently flat broke, and it feels awful to know that I have no money in my account.
I don't want to get overdrawn, that cost me money, which I obviously don't have.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25576979/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25576979/ Fri, 26 Jun 2009 21:57:26 PDT And it's killing me.

I haven't genuinely felt this way in such a long time, it's scary.




I'm not used to wanting something I can't have, or not getting what I want, and believe me, I know what I want.


I've moved on, it didn't take long. I expected it to take twice as long as it took me to get over casey...for reasons. WTFE.


10 effing days until I am out of here. Woot! 10 days to pack, and get everything i need...oooh that reminds me...money, bags, 50lbs...mom.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25556909/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25556909/ Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:11:55 PDT
I hate that I can't read minds.
I wish I knew how to do this, but usually I don't have to try.

Maybe this time is different for a reason.


Maybe,
falling fast,
isn't what I want.



But I don't think what I want matters right now.


I think i'm so far gone.


Please don't disappoint me.

I've had enough.

I don't want you to be just another guy on my list.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25497753/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25497753/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:34:19 PDT and I'm over you!


Bring it on!

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25475156/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25475156/ Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:44:54 PDT
Pierced my right ear today.

Went shopping.

Bought two books. I hope I like them.
Had a Chai Tea Frappuccino while I was at Barnes and Noble. I think it might be my new favorite Starbucks beverage.

I spent 45 dollars today and 55 last friday. I don't even know where this money is coming from, I just know I have it.

Talked to Shawn last night and this morning. And although Kelsay was making me say funny things this morning, Shawn didn't seem to enjoy our conversation as much as he usually does. Or maybe that's just me? Idk. Doesn't matter I suppose.

My ipod, Carling is dead. She got water inside her, and no longer works. It is a sad sad thing. But luckily I have a 2-yr warranty on her, so hopefully I can get her fixed. ASAP, cause I need her for Florida which is in like two weeks or so.

I am getting over it. And it is so very nice to think about other things other than that one thing.

So...yeah.

I'm happy.
And it feels great.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25424861/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25424861/ Fri, 19 Jun 2009 21:57:02 PDT

He likes me.

I stayed at Kelsay's last night. She picked me up at like 10:30pm. We were up pretty late.

We literally did nothing all day...well until we finally got dressed. We went shopping. That was fun. I got the cutest hat for $1. Kelsay and I both bought one. It's green.

Kelsay is leaving for Chicago next sunday. I think I will cry. She will be gone for two months. And although she is coming back, two months without your best friend, two months without the one person you trust the most, well that's just dang difficult for me to wrap my head around. But then she will leave again sometime in september, to be there for four years..and then however law school is. I'm betting she will probably stay there permanently.

Wendy's was one of the best parts of my day. I love that I can make them laugh. Even if it's cause I'm being stupid.

Oh I met a girl today named Krysta, and she even spells her name the exact same way as mine...And she said she thought she was the only one who spelled it that way.
Guess not.


Saw a girl Emily that I knew in Middle School. She was working at wal- mart, I don't think she recognized me, we are even friends on facebook. lol


So yeah, he is all I can think about lately. And I don't know if I like it, even if he does like me.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25377295/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25377295/ Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:28:21 PDT He is adorable.
We watched the house bunny, because he'd never seen it. Although we didn't watch too much of it. He was here for three and a half hours. You would think that I would have been nervous since I didn't know him at all, other than all the stuff he told me in the 7 hours we spent talking yesterday and the 4 hours we spent talking before he came over today.
I've never kissed a stranger before. I really liked it.
He plans on hanging out with me again... of course.
Anyway he thinks I am cute, which is refreshing.
But apparently I am a little boring. Which I already knew. And I could change it.. But I think I showed him I'm not completely boring(ha ha), but who knows?
I think I really like him... But I'm not too sure. And I don't really want a boyfriend and he doesn't want a girlfriend cause he just got out of a very serious relationship, so I think this is going to be a nice friendship, really really nice
lol

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25362947/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25362947/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:34:10 PDT I met this guy Shawn today. He was referred to me by shelby, and added me on Facebook, and then he randomly texted me, and we have been talking non stop for at least four hours now.
And he is so cool I can hardly stand it he is 19. And well just he is great to talk to. Totally like the way he has this same "special spot" as me. Like I don't know how to explain it, but it is in the exact same spot, and I've never met anyone that shares the same sensation in the same spot..
He is a christian, and he is in a hardcore-christian band. Lots of screaming. I think it might be the beginning of a new era of music for Krysta. Callie certainly won't like it, but she is new, she will have to get used to it.

I am excited. He wants to come over tomorrow night, or pick me up and do whatever. So we will see. And technically it is today not tomorrow, since it is now wednesday. Eventually we will stop talking and I will go to sleep.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25351044/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25351044/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 11:56:56 PDT I have to say exactly what's on my mind. What's been on my mind.

I love you.
And I miss you.
I don't care if that makes me pathetic, because I act like I'm strong in this situation all the time and I'm fucking over that shit.. wtfe

I don't expect much anymore...
I am pissed that you think you are better. That you think I'm not worth the effort it would take to be with me.
Basically I think you are one big pussy.
So whatever.

I know that I am a pretty great person.
For 1
God loves me
2
there are currently three other guys that want to be with me, shit they want to marry me,
but I just can't get past this stupid notion in my head that they aren't good enough.
I love two of em to death. But for some reason it's just not enough. Why isn't that enough?
3
People always come back to me.
I don't waste my time trying to get people to be in my life, and so in the end, they come back because they WANT to, because I'm worth it. I know I'm worth it.
Get off your high horse and be a fucking man... I don't want to wait like I always do, because this time I;m not so sure that leaving you alone will get you to realize how perfect I am for you.

I know this is probably the last thing that would make anyone want to do what they should. I'm kinda being a bitch right now. But not intentionally.
I just feel a certain way.
I spend everyday thinking over and over about what I could do to make my life so much better.
And I am happy, cause I have a billion reasons to be happy, but I have just one thing that keeps bringing me down and I am sick of that.
I am better than that.


So, to you. I send my everything.



On another note. Casey came over yesterday. That was a waste of my time.
I could have slept all day or something.
We didn't really do much. Although he is getting on my case about being with him. About loving him. He wants me to promise to stay single, to wait for him until he gets a job, a car and his own place, so we can be together. And then he wonders why I won't make that promise.
Ha!
Ain't no way in hell!
I mean it is flattering that he still loves me. I mean, to be honest I understand completely why he does. I was his first. But I simply am not in love with him. Hell when he walks in the room my switch gets turned off.
Although I do return to good memories but then I realize more and more that I just don't feel the same.

I got my I.D today. Sweet... now I can get a job...sooper fun! Not!
Now it is nap time.
I didn't even get to talk to my darling Cody at his lunch break...Oh well.
We went back to the DMV 3 times before we were able to get everything done. We stood in line for 2 hours. It was hell, but this really hot guy was standing behind me.

Like I said nap time.

By the way, thanks to those people that sit and read all of my journals, and the entire thing too.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25252231/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25252231/ Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:42:37 PDT We can't get married.
I don't think i can do it.
i don't want you anymore.


this just isn't right anymore.


Adrian, I need you now.
Come home.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25252195/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25252195/ Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:39:23 PDT but i'm afraid of living without you in my life.

i don't know how to tell you.
you should just...know.
you know me better than anyone, why can't you just see why i'm so afraid?
please let me go.


this is me leaving.

goodbye.

i miss you already.

love you forever, i promise.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25164791/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25164791/ Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:12:15 PDT
Why did you have to leave me?


It's hard to keep myself happy when you are gone.


Love you.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25121686/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25121686/ Thu, 04 Jun 2009 08:58:20 PDT
I used to feel complete.
And I used to think that there was one person I would never fall out of love with. Casey.
And I pushed away all of my feelings for him last fall, after becoming his friend and realizing that we just weren't right for each other. But of course after my last break up, I began to think about Casey, as I tend to do when someone breaks my heart, because he does love me. More than anything. That is one thing I can always count on Casey to do, is love me, no matter what. And so, despite the fact that I've been ignoring him for months when he calls or texts me, I texted him the other day.. And he came over to my house at one point. And being there in my room with him, I finally felt finished, with him I mean. I kissed him, to see, and it was so weird to kiss him, even just a simple kiss. It just didn't feel...right, i guess. He felt something there, that was special, as I'm sure he might always feel that with me, because he is messed up and might never find what I gave him so long ago, but I felt nothing. And I feel bad that I don't because I always feel obligated to feel the same way for him as he does for me, but I am happy. I am so happy that I have gotten over that feeling that I thought was just the greatest. The feelings I had with him, and for him.
In reality, the feelings I had with Casey don't even begin to compare to how I felt about Zach. And I hate to say that, really I do.
Because, well, just because.
But that is how I feel.
I was reading some journal entries from my sophomore year, when I was with Casey, and remembering all the drama, and some of it made me smile, and then I would read some of the things I said and I just feel stupid about it now. About thinking that it was okay to let him do the things he did to me, things he can't even remember. He can't remember more than half of our relationship, he just remembers that he was happy with me. He remembers select things. Like when he proposed to me, and when we spent halloween together..it was my first and last halloween. He remembers sneaking over to my house with Zach. He remembers sneaking over to my house period, probably any instance. I remember those things too. But there were parts about us that just weren't right. We weren't supposed to be together. And it's so easy to see that now, because he turned into someone else, someone I wasn't willing to change for, even though I sure as hell tried.

And some of the memories make me smile, because I was happy.
But I am glad they are just memories.
I never thought I would really honestly truly be able to get over him completely. I knew I could try my best to hate him. And I did for a very long time, and I was scared of him. He pulled out his knife again the other day in my room.. he couldn't remember that I was afraid of knives. I moved the fuck back when he pulled it out that's for sure. I did not need a repeat of Valentines day.
It took him a minute to remember that day, but he finally did after I refreshed his memory, then he did not want to talk about it. But even though I hated him, I figured there would always be a part of me that loved him, because he was my first. And he was something special at one time.

I am just amazed at how weird it feels to think about Casey now, and not hate him, not be scared of him, no want him for anything, and not love him even the tinest bit.

But I was hoping before I saw him, that he could fill that hole that is left inside me, because before last week, my heart was entirely complete for the first time in my life, and I need to get that back. And I keep looking.
Casey wasn't the only person that I tried to complete myself with. I won't say who the other guy was, because there really isn't a point.
The fact of the matter is, I thought that I loved him. And now I don't.
People change. But it gets harder to love someone if you don't change together. At least that's what it seems like to me.

I am not saying I will always love Zach.
Beacause I have no way of knowing that, and I don't want to be naive about it. But I am not going to hate him, I'm not going to try not to love him. I am just going to feel what I feel.

I am happy. Happier than I've been most of my life, with or without him.

And I have something to live for, with or without him. With or without anybody.
And I may not feel complete, and I may be DYING to feel complete, to not feel worthless(even though I know I'm not) to feel something other than completely alone. But I guess that's what Cody is for.

I always take what I can get, even if that means I have to settle. Which I have for most of my life, so I think it will be okay for now.
I'm only 18.
I don't have to get married, or have kids right now.. even if I do want... ]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25031383/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25031383/ Sat, 30 May 2009 10:52:04 PDT
I was completely sober.

I wish I hadn't been.

I wish I was drunk right now.

Things were fine, but I think I fucked that up somehow.

I don't know what I did.
But I did something.

So shit!

Why?

Why am I not good enough?



I guess I can't do anything to make everything right.

Where is the rewind button?

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25015409/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/25015409/ Fri, 29 May 2009 13:24:13 PDT Went looking for a swimming suit today at Target. I found some realy cute ones that I was willing to wear(I haven't worn a suit in at least three years) but they were 40 bucks that I just can't afford right now with the trip coming up. We need to save our money for stuff in WDW.

We went to the mall after that. That was fun.
When we got our pretzels there was this cute guy sitting next to us with this really high mohawk. If he hadn't had that he would have looked adorable.
Where are all the preppy boys in this town?
I want one.

I can see the perfect one in my head too.

I don't even want a boyfriend. I just want a guy to chill with.
I guess I will probably see William tonight. Maybe Cody next week. I still haven't decided on that one. We were gonna hang out today since he had the day off, but I got busy with Shelbs at the Mall, and then the park.

I feel so...great.
It's so different.

I think Chelsea put me in a good mood. Go Chelss.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24994511/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24994511/ Thu, 28 May 2009 09:46:31 PDT

Should I go back to red hair, or dark brown?

I want to look different when I head to florida. I am so excited.


So let me know..
and I was thinking of cutting it too, maybe a sexy bob, or maybe...bangs!

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24983706/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24983706/ Wed, 27 May 2009 16:56:34 PDT babies
babies
babies
babies
babies...




All I can think about...




for some reason.




Wish my mommy was here. I could tell her all my secrets. And I need to seriously spill some.



need to go shopping.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24976932/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24976932/ Wed, 27 May 2009 10:25:36 PDT I don't have to worry about looking perfect all the time.
I don't have to keep my phone turned on.
I don't even need to use my phone.
I get to flirt with whomever I choose.
I get to do more than just flirt with whomever as well...
Orlando is going to be so much fun without being attached, lets hope I don't make too many mistakes while I'm there...
But maybe I will make a mistake I won't regret.

A month and 4 days til we leave!!


I've never been so excited about anything in my life.

Off to clean. YAY!

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24969169/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24969169/ Tue, 26 May 2009 20:23:22 PDT



All I can ask is why, but I will never get an answer back.



I am dying inside.
And no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I pray, no matter who I talk to, or who tells me they love me & that I am worth everything, in the end I am still just a big waste of space.


Why am I so god damn stupid?
I just want you all to see me. But you never will. You can't.


I no longer exist.
And I hate this.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24951580/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24951580/ Mon, 25 May 2009 21:08:39 PDT


AMAZING, FANTASTIC, PERFECTION, SPECTACULAR... AND OTHER ADjECTIVES...

Zachary Quinto just makes me crazy. So obviously Spock was my favorite character. And man his ass looked amazing in those black pants. lol.

The music was awesome. I hope I can buy the soundtrack cause the trumpets were amazing.
I loved all the sound really. Like when all of a sudden the loud noise would just disappear into silence. I really loved that.

Anyway, I don't want to give anything away, cause that's just not my style.
So I just want to say...
my favorite movie now.
Garden State bumped down to number two

1. Star Trek
2. Garden State
3. Juno
4. Transformers
5. Moulin Rouge/ Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Now off to read...

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24945357/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24945357/ Mon, 25 May 2009 15:08:48 PDT On another note...I started reading, an actual book. A book I'm interested in. A book that I wont have to analyze, write a paper over, or even talk about when I'm finished. A book I can stay up late reading because I can sleep in all morning. And I am so happy. I thought I would never get to that place again after AP English.

Oh and I flipping Graduated you guys.
I was so worried I wouldn't, but I kept telling myself that there was no other option and I graduated.
I still don't know what my grades are, but I know I passed. And I am betting that my English grade even went up after that last paper.

And Kelsay won that Mother effing bet. I did not get pregnant before graduation and I didn't drop out because of it. Now lets see how long it takes...lol.
I don't think it will take too long for that to happen. Lets just hope it doesn't.
lol.


Now all I have to do is, try to get a job...Not looking forward to that at all, wait for July, when Chrysalis is, which I am being forced to go to, and Then hopefully Disney World....I need to buy new clothes for that. With the money i have to save up for the trip there.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24863104/ http://hopefullittlegirl.deviantart.com/journal/24863104/ Wed, 20 May 2009 19:18:57 PDT I really just want to babysit. Really thats the only thing I want to do. Harm I wish you were here so i could babysit for you, I'd do it for nothing actually. I don't crave the money aspect of having a job. I just want my mom to stop pressuring me about it.

]]> ~hopefullittlegirl