http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:hybriddemon&section=today deviantART RSS for by:hybriddemon en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:25:43 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/26738611/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/26738611/ Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:48:44 PDT ...i am so excited to be forced to make things again. I really really missed that. I made some paintings, but this year i'm gonna have a drawing for animation class, and im sure ill have at least some good new things out of that.
I am terribly sad that my favorite teacher's gone, and am apprehensive about the new teacher, but im also excited, because i know the Game Art department would only hire the most awesome people as teachers...

I REALLY caught up on my videogames during the summer, so now im actually sick of playing them, and want to MAKE SOME GAMES DAMMIT
i wish we had programmers...



FATAL FRAME FANS:

just in case you havent heard, I wanted to say that even though they won't be releasing the fourth game anywhere but Japan, you could still get the japanese game and play it on your wii with a coming patch. just look online for the "fatal frame 4 patch" and you can find it, it should be coming out soon.
That's one game i'm still really excited about^^ I already have my copy, my man got it for me when he went to Japan^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/24148502/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/24148502/ Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:33:59 PDT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA
HAHAHA
HA

...

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/16261602/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/16261602/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 20:37:58 PST seriously....
i guess i need a while to learn it

i posted a new piccy, but it sucks, even though i worked on it a while...i shouldnt even try to do anything resembling anime anymore, i guess...i lost my touch for it, and i dont know how to digitally do it...they condemn it in school and game companies anyway...

but i really wanna do more fanart, since i realize that as long as its in my own style, it is still good practice. so i think ill try to do that...just paint them digitally, instead of trying to mimic anything....

as soon as i get some time to myself, ill work on more stuff^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/15700748/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/15700748/ Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:55:49 PST
...also, when you have no time at all to do art anymore.

sure, im learning, but only the mechanics...still lives and naked people...thats all the drawing ive been doing.

and somehow, when i try to do art, i have an already exhausted skill...so it turns out like shit. ive done something after months of nothing, not because i wanted to paint, just because i had a feeling and i forced myself to paint it. but i dont thinks its any good...ill try to post it when my camera has batteries...

of course, it wont be like this forever...well move on to more creative things eventually...the first year is the hardest to get through, everyone keeps telling me...

i should have called my new cat chicken...i dont know why...

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/15316987/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/15316987/ Thu, 01 Nov 2007 13:51:09 PDT
also, i havent actually done any art since i started artschool...its sad, but it took my self esteem so low to be among other, better artists, i just havent even felt like it...

this figurine i made was the one artistic thing i really enjoyed...it was like a revelation to see something in my drawings appear in 3d...im quite addicted

hopefully my inspitarion will return...but after drawing still lives and naked people for at least three hours every weekday, i dont really feel like painting...

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14786540/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14786540/ Tue, 25 Sep 2007 13:16:05 PDT owlbeaksarefunny

other news:my two cats have been lost because my asshole stepfather was petsitting them, and they disappeared the first day of our journey...just yesterday, i found my twichy, but rei is still lost...twich has been lost for about 2 weeks, he was starving and he still hasnt stopped to take a breath in between meows....

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14667521/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14667521/ Mon, 17 Sep 2007 00:12:06 PDT so far, that was the best part of the trip....

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14653589/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14653589/ Sun, 16 Sep 2007 03:06:15 PDT i ve been here for 3 days, and ive got about 200piccies....i really wanna put them up here, maybe ill make an account for some photos...but itd take too long to put them all up...

ok....so were staying at a tiny tiny guest house, but there is a three day festival RIGHT in our street, and its so damned cool...plus, we went to a bigger festival in kamakura, which was HUGE, and really cool too...everything is awsome....we walked the streets in tokyo, the markets and the small side streets....we happened on a funeral and a wedding...
we saw huge temples and tiny shrines, and prayed, and saw mikos and priests, and everything...
we went to huge manga shops, and they sell them for like 1 dallah...
many more...and we still have 3 days...im so so so so happy...this trip made my life!!!

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14258703/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/14258703/ Mon, 20 Aug 2007 15:31:20 PDT perhaps now that im gonna begin my classes, i will have something to put up here.
im SO excited about ringling, now that ive got my schedule and everything, i cant wait to start all my art classes (cept art history). I really wanna learn, and im so damned excited!
im just gonna miss mah puppy lots, and hope i can see him at least once a week...its gonna suck being without him...its kinda scary in that way...but i know hes gonna have fun and learn lots too, and we will stay together^^
The only problem i have is with work, which is turning worse and worse, i am not making any money, and my bosses really dont like that i can only work on certain days and at ceratin times...now that college is starting, it just means spending lots of money, and im afraid im gonna run out...
if anyone has some good job suggestions, please share^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/13832881/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/13832881/ Sun, 22 Jul 2007 12:27:43 PDT but only about the most important part of the book...unfortunately, in almost everything else, i was wrong. im telling you, all the wrong people died, all the wrong ones stayed alive. this is one depressing book...i will be in mourning for a while, so that may bring art, or may not...for the time, im rereading the entire series^^
it ended really happily, despite the losses, so im still kinda excited and not only grieving...wish they didnt kill off ALL my favorite characters throughout the series though.

i cant wait for mah puppy to come home^^ blake was with me all through the reading, so he might need a washing, hes so tear stained^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/13539016/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/13539016/ Fri, 29 Jun 2007 12:31:23 PDT
work is hard, and i got good and bad days but still...waitressing beats the shit out of working at a store...time goes by faster, and you make more money by the hour, usually even if you make bad tips...

and those of you who go to restaurants, know that servers make around 3 dollars an hour, and need good tips!

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/13205199/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/13205199/ Sun, 03 Jun 2007 17:21:18 PDT so i actually think i might sit down and paint something...
i rarely got to do that lately, but im just so good today, i might just do that.
earning money is almost the best thing ever...now i might actually be able to pay my car insurance

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12983111/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12983111/ Wed, 16 May 2007 20:52:30 PDT
year zero, nine inch nails-
they are losing the passion and energy they had when they were younger, and this focuses completely on politics and current events...which is cool...but i miss the old, wild stuff. still, its a great album, saying what a lot would not dare, and well worth it
fav songs:survivalism, capital g, the good soldier, god given, meet your master

minutes to midnight, linkin park-weird thing, this focuses on current events as well, not a habit of lp. then again, it sounds nothing like old lp, with the exception of maybe two songs. there is still that borderline emo quality to them though...i dunno...its strange, but still very good.
fav songs:bleed it out, what ive done, hands held high, in pieces, little things give you away

so there

also, read the dark tower series!!!i know stephen king is an iffy writer, but that series is one of the best things ive ever read...it is epic...it is mesmerizing...oh god, its good. first book is called the gunslinger, and you must go right now and read it. your imagination will thank you.

also, the good news!!!im going to japan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!well, im going in september, so its a terrible distance away, but im going its my birthday/graduation present im so so so so excited...
youll probably hear about this more when time is coming..and ill perhaps make a photo account and post piccies there...oh god, so excited

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12709344/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12709344/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:05:26 PDT didnt excpect it so soon after with teeth^^must go and pick it up...
must listen....must listen....

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12610665/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12610665/ Sun, 15 Apr 2007 19:38:54 PDT
once agan, everything seems to go very well

im gonna be great. really.

and im just...so...fucking...excited...about EVERYTHING

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12529254/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12529254/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 18:02:28 PDT thats balance. whatever.

anyway, thanks so much for all the favs, when i turned on my computer and got 15 favs, and like a million comments, i was all proud of myself
also, im nearly at 13000 pageviews, lets make this happen

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12486630/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12486630/ Fri, 06 Apr 2007 17:31:30 PDT in my own little house
i am free once again!!!!!!!!!!
AND, i am ahead in my emergency procrastination painting schedule
lifes just good
now i just wish i knew what was crawling around in my attic...it sounds really big
haha, an old japanese woman died here, so i always have to think of the movie grudge
but hey, if her spirit is here, at least she might help with the paintings

as soon as i miraculously find my digital camera, or my puppy takes some pics, ill post my new piccies i worked so hard on

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12254838/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12254838/ Tue, 20 Mar 2007 06:49:15 PDT i got into pratt and ringling

god im good

and, im gonna be able to stay at my house this weekend, hopefully my grandma came here to visit, and shes gonna help make my house ready
so ready to get away from parents....
and i miss quality time with my puppy sooooooomuch!

i hate stat so much it hurts sometimes
and AP english too

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12179304/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12179304/ Wed, 14 Mar 2007 10:16:31 PDT
i punched this kid who is a total asshole, and now, i am gonna get in trouble for it.
im not good at being in trouble. even if im totally innocent, i shake and blush and occasionally get hysterical.
while im justified, im not sure how to explain.
its none of the school's business, since it happened out of it.

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12077481/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/12077481/ Tue, 06 Mar 2007 07:03:11 PST and i havent painted anything really...
i have to finish this series soon...got a month to do seven paintings...

i also have my other research paper to write tonight....damn.

no wonder i get nosebleeds and shit...i think i finally popped a brain vein (blood vessel in my brain for those who dont speak orsi)...not from thinking too much, just thinking of thinking too much.

so im being door from neverwhere for this dinner where we are supposed to dress up as book characters, and im angry because nobody knows who she is...its such a good book, and such a good character damnit...everybody's being something obvious like dorothy or alice in wonderland...its weird...

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11996522/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11996522/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 05:27:41 PST however, the downside was that my mom said, HEY, i've an idea! come down to venice and we'll celebrate!
BUT IT WAS A TRICK!
celebrating consisted of taking a big truck back to my apartment, and moving everything out, going back to venice, and going to sleep...
so i was robbed of my last night at my home, and now have lost it forever...
it hurts so bad, to be back there...literally...after being so happy alone, i had to move back to that hell hole...it is painful

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11901032/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11901032/ Tue, 20 Feb 2007 20:42:12 PST that means a painting a day...which is total insanity...i dont think i can do it
but i guess i had fun for a little bit^^ today was great, i went fishing with mike and his dad, and lots of other nice details^^
and my mom had a lovely birthday present from her bf...id be lying if i said i cant believe it ( all i can say that if any guy tries that weak ass shit on me, ill cut his fucking balls off and feed them to him)
love that i have to move back amongs all that drama for a while...
but i guess i will have a whole house to my own and hopefully mike's afterwards^^
and college!!!
if i got in
watch me not get in...
haha
id die

my first real home, my apartment, is emptying fast, and thats very depressing...this is the first place ive been happy since i was tiny, and this is the first place i was an adult in...its difficult to part...i guess ive still got like a week...

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11820789/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11820789/ Wed, 14 Feb 2007 19:03:09 PST not really...
but it gives me hope that ill get this paper finished...
its weird, because im not stressed out so much because its a ten page paper, im stressed out because every year there is one paper i put real, real effort into that makes me feel like a professional writer and a very very intelligent person. i pick a book i really like, and slave over writing what is to myself an insightful, clever, perfectly constructed paper...no bullshit, no useless sentences at all.
i slave over it because even though there are few things i like to do more than criticizing christianity,(writing it on a handmaid's tale, with the topic of how christianity is used to opress and objectify women in gilead) after hours of researching and writing every word carefully and accurately, even that can get old, and my mind wanders...
plus, i always leave it till the last minute...
so on valentines day, here i am, instead of on a romantic date, sitting with my half written paper, looking forward to probably no sleep at all...

and it gives me back my sense of values, to a certain extent.
stressed, disappointed, lonely, but once again knowing what is important
i feel good

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11779755/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11779755/ Sun, 11 Feb 2007 22:12:12 PST
and hey...isnt it strange that the most pain ive ever felt, physical as well as emotional, was in my dreams? why would my mind do that to me?

i have too much to do...a million little things, really...

stressing like mad

and yet im doing nothing but dreaming

losing my sense of priority...

what is important anyway?

art? knowledge? dreams? love? helping others? helping yourself?

what comes first?
i cant remember anymore

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11694876/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11694876/ Mon, 05 Feb 2007 09:15:14 PST (1984, George Orwell)

read books...they teach you things...

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11215761/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/11215761/ Wed, 27 Dec 2006 20:20:39 PST BUUUUUUT...ive just started working on my concentration for this year, and i think its gonna be pretty fucking cool...
im doing a series of paintings on wood, all portraits displaying the beauty and magic of japanese culure...
so thats something to be excited about, i guess^^
i sure am...

other news:
for christmas i got the prettiest bracelet in the world from my puppy...
ive never been more happy to be living alone...
never been more busy during a christmas break, having to read a 1100 page book, do a few paintings and such...(cause i just started working on everything)...
im finally going to be taking anatomy next semester...
though i have been taking pain killers since break started for weird and intense pains in my organs, its fading away...
I have my first piece all sketched out with charcoal on the wood and i wanna paint but its too dark and im lazy to get started, as always...
i have a bad habit of always finishing my sentences with : ... or ^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10481170/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10481170/ Sun, 22 Oct 2006 21:30:51 PDT It is amazing...beautiful...
ive seen a lot of his work online, but it doesnt even come close to the real thing...hes so amazing...
if there are people not familiar with him, he is the concept artist for great stuff like vampire hunter D and final fantasy...
my puppy took me to see it, and i just had to stare at every picture for minutes...
look it up online and go, because i think its only up till the end of this week

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10330051/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10330051/ Sun, 08 Oct 2006 20:41:17 PDT (my final photography project will be so good... )
its all ghosty and dark...fatal frame inspired...ahh, im so excited^^
i wish i could scan in negatives and put them up, but T's negative scanner is broken...i guess i could scan in prints, but i dont know if anyone who likes my drawings would care about my photography...
perhaps i should make an other account just for photos or something
eh, im probably too lazy...
so you'll just have to take my word for it, they're cool...

on an other note, my drawings and paintings have been very scarce, i know...i think it won't be till after christmas till i can start my concentration and have some kick ass art up...that will be great...i have it all planned out^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10290621/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10290621/ Thu, 05 Oct 2006 07:28:10 PDT
here it is: ~KING-AXOLOTL
check him out, hes insane (and very pleasantly so^^)

anyway, my comp has been fuckin up...i think i abused it too much, but i keep getting stuck on this site and everything, so thats annoying...
bleh...
k, bye^^

]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10071320/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10071320/ Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:42:26 PDT im trying for a five or six this year, and even though i hate it, i have to do a bunch of still lives in pencil and that sort of stuff...and its really really boring me to death...
im dying to just sit down and paint some cool portrait or draw some cool anime, but whenever i have time for art, i must do the fucking still lives...
its also to help with my art school application portfolio...
i just wanna draw some cool stuff...for me if it doesnt have a figure in it, its dead and boring...
eh...
well, the cool half will come soon enough...
besides, i guess its good prep for college ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10008719/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/10008719/ Fri, 08 Sep 2006 12:26:42 PDT im constantly running around, trying to print out this essay or trying to complete that piece of art, or trying to get this roll of film developed, or trying to read that shakespearian play...
not to mention college applications
not to mention my terrible luck...(especially this last week, where i only got to go to school two whole days. and even though i got to stay home, i still had to use the time to finish work.)
i miss sleep.
sleep is so scarce in my life these days.
for the last few days ive had to wake up extra early, and went to sleep extra late.
its insane, but i think this is the most busy and stressful time i ever had in school, and thats a scary thing to say, since were not nearly at midterms or finals yet, which is usually the time i get like this.
i guess its cause i actually do stuff during my afternoons and weekends...but i wouldnt give that up for anything.
i take everything too seriously...trying to get everything done, and really well, but also with procrastination, something which is really fucking me over, because this is a time when work really piles up

i need to chill...
but i dont think its gonna happen ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9761338/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9761338/ Thu, 17 Aug 2006 14:38:26 PDT
i really dont want to start school...really really dont want to...its my last year, and i dont want to...

i should have graduated already, i am sick of the whole high school scene, pretty much everyone an immature little asshole existing in their own little universe thinking they are the shit...a big group of pathetic rich kids...
then again, the real world is not much less agitating...
well, at least i have my few cool friends... ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9407733/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9407733/ Mon, 17 Jul 2006 16:31:56 PDT perhaps karma really exists!
perhaps people do get what they deserve!
wow...this fills me with hope.

on a slightly less exciting news, i only got a four out of five on my ap art portfolio. i did better than my classmates, but not good enough for my own standards...i think the problem was the breadth section, my works for it were too random. gonna have to improve on that next year. ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9337418/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9337418/ Mon, 10 Jul 2006 21:47:17 PDT im officially the weird cat lady i always wanted to be
live alone in a nice apartment with a cat, painting and reading...its great
and the only drawback of being a cat lady, being lonely, doesnt even apply to me, since i have a great boyfriend
everything is perfect
well, nothing is ever perfect, but sometimes you just gotta ignore the bad and pretend it is ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9104549/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/9104549/ Sun, 18 Jun 2006 10:56:20 PDT and the worst thing is, im related to it ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8585466/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8585466/ Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:34:28 PDT think what you want, you fucking bastard, but what i want will eventually be mine or ill die trying to get it
thats just the way i am
its determination, not need that drives me. maybe i dont even want it that much anymore. but i will get it.
HEAR ME, FUCKER?!?!?! ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8531506/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8531506/ Thu, 20 Apr 2006 12:51:31 PDT why do you feel it, is it a real feeling?
why cant you just let them go? if it isnt even important to you anymore, why does it still stir you so much?
and why do passions dissipate anyway? is it possible someday ill even lose my passion for art? ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8410996/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8410996/ Sat, 08 Apr 2006 18:56:44 PDT and it also made me wonder about the nature of adventure.
so many people, especially kids, long for adventure. but like everything, it depends on the way you look at it. when you look at that story, the story of helena, its obvious that she is merely a kid with a Problem. but the way it was communicated, dealt with, viewed as, was an Adventure.
there are so many people who long for an adventure, but when they get a problem, they just complain about it. but if viewed the right way, any problem can be an adventure.
i only just now realized that even my Problem was put into an Adventure format, meaning the unfinished and unreckognizable story of my life, Possessed.
its difficult, of course, to see the adventure in your own problem, since it is usually trying and difficult while you are attempting to solve it. but thats what adventures are. and it takes imagination, a good perspective to see your own adventure. it isnt that adventures are inexistent in todays world, its just that they go by unnoticed.
so what i advise to all of you people out there who have problems is this...try to turn your problems into adventures. even if only on paper. perhaps it will even help solve that problem.
after all, ever story must have an ending.
and please, i speak from experience when i say this...you want to make the ending a happy one.

(i dont know why my journal entries are all so positive lately...if i was reading this, it would just piss me off...but i dont think anyone is actually reading this, which is why im writing it^^) ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8151091/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8151091/ Mon, 13 Mar 2006 15:49:26 PST diving, but cautiously, so i broke no bones. others taunted and mocked me, but i suppose now im glad i didnt give in. one cannot go deeper if there are no depths. below the clear green surface, rest was just murky, hiding that there was only a few feet of water before the cold hard bottom. It was an illusion. I can find better places to drink from than that deceptive puddle.

i was wrong.

and if i want to see myself clear and pretty, i just have to look in a mirror.

(if this seems a bit strange, i might mention that the metaphor is carried on from this: [link] ) ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8031950/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/8031950/ Tue, 28 Feb 2006 20:01:37 PST now im in an elegant small condo, and i am enjoying it even though i have nothing here but my laptop, an alarm clock, a cd player and a makeshift bed of pillows on a comforter.
i feel more independent, alone yet loved, than i ever have.
its nice and bright and small enough for it to grow on me without a problem, so im not afraid or lonely or anything
im listening to a cd my friend made me, catching up on my reading...its really nice.
for a while i've been feeling like i wanted to run away, but now im finally out of there, and i didnt even have to destroy anyone's life doing it.
my mom will join me in a while, though not until she gets her money from the divorce.
for now i can just sit back and think about only myself...something i never really did before ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7946929/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7946929/ Sun, 19 Feb 2006 20:06:47 PST you have no idea what the word means. never had one, never will, because you dont let people close to you, feel you have to control them all to be a man, to put them down constantly, wear down their self confidence so you can play around with them however you want.
too many problems and responsibilities?
tough man, youre a fucking copier repairman. my mom works longer hours and deals with more problems that you and she still manages to be civilized, its no excuse to be an asshole all the time. life's hard. for everyone. i know you feel 'special', because everyone always thinks other people's lives just CAN'T be as difficult as theirs, but its true. life sucks. if you can't handle it, at least prioritize.
which brings me back to my first point. family should be the REASON you work hard. if you treat your so called family like shit, there is no reason to try so hard, because they will eventually have enough. beside, you spend more than your share of our money on your big boats and trucks while your "family" shops at goodwill and can barely leave the house to have fun because everything costs money.
you dont want a family. you want some puppets to stand there and look pretty while you introduce them to new people, puppets otherwise you can just stuff in the closet and forget about. oh yes, during the introductions i am the amazing smart talented awsome genius girl, and when they are gone, i am the fucking waste of the earth, useless scum who you have no respect for at all, and you are, of course, never afraid to remind me of it.
well, now you are merely faced with the consequences of your actions. you've said sorry before, but by now she's learned that you never mean it. nothing changes. ever.
you lie, cheat, excessively smoke and drink, and insult and hurt us every moment you can get
why the hell do you think i've been closing my door and been keeping a knife under my bed all this time? because i enjoy it?
i know youve always hated me, because i am so sure of myself that your little mind tricks didnt work on me like they worked on my mom, and i tried to keep her up with me as well. i saw right through you from the beginning, and im sure that made you feel threathened and uncomfortable.
well, now the shit hit the fan, so to say, and you have to understand that its over.
been a good fight, but its over.
move on and try to find some other poor bitch you can use to pull yourself up, and leave us alone.
nothing against you, you've had a fucked up childhood, but hell, so do most people these days.
life's not easy. stand up to it and be a man, stop making fucking excuses.

(never gonna be read by him probably, i just use this space as a way to pour out my thoughts) ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7919499/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7919499/ Thu, 16 Feb 2006 19:13:20 PST after about a week of forgetting i even had it, i took it out of my backpack and saw that it was out of batteries and off
only one thing im not good at: trigonometric proofs. but since im good at everything else, it shouldnt matter, right?
its been about a month since i had a proper conversation with any one of my friends
but im productive in painting and photography and for some reason, in some detached way, im happier than ive been in a long long time
every beginning is an end
you dont hear people putting it that way, but it works both ways, really. and thats the best part, sometimes.
and sometimes you need time to yourself after an end
to forget about people
even people who usually spend so much time with you that you are so sure they care about you
but then you distance yourself and you find that they never even notice
"well, everyone at the polo club thinks im a whore": some words that will stick with me probably forever.
and then, you notice you dont care
because for some reason there is no room for any feeling other than that independent contentness
the boy i once thought looked like an angel is looking more like a pizza these days. and the girl he loved left him, it seems. and i still think he looks like an angel. and he still barely knows im alive.
i cant talk to him
some people say hes not good enough for me
i hate people who say things like that to you to make you feel better.
and i lied. one other thing i am not good at: relationships. of all kinds. beginning them, keeping them, seeing them for what they really are
hopeless romantic here. in my head everything is a thousand times more powerful than it actually is
at least i can still see beauty in everything. hardcore pessimist on surface level, optimist in matters that really...matter.
i really want to go to italy on the photography trip, but were not going to have the money.
i feel good. sometimes you just have to let go and fall ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7749911/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7749911/ Mon, 30 Jan 2006 09:56:00 PST you might take everything from me
and say youve given it all
and demand your share
and lay the blame
all on me
just me
because you have nothing you can gain
and i have everything you can't take
not anymore
if you still have those clouded eyes
i dare you
look at what you are missing
when you miss this

you might scream and smash
but its all in vain
all useless because you
will never gain more sight
more happiness
so take it, take everything
and watch yourself descend to hell
you can't affect me
can't afflict me any permanent way
so hurt me, hate me
but i will always be here
even after you fade
away in your self inflicted misery ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7312586/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/7312586/ Wed, 14 Dec 2005 18:41:54 PST funny, the german shit who lives with us has midterms as well, in a public school, and while i spend hours a day studying and the rest of the time being stressed out, he just goes to the movies and chills with his ugly little soccer buddies...their teacher gave everyone in class two hundred extra credit points just for christmas, and their midterms are copying answers out from a book to a separate sheet of paper
how do people LEARN those fucking god damn bloody stupid bastards?!?!
does the majority of america really come from such shitty, dont-give-a-fuck, gone to hell places like the one the german shit goes to? are all public schools so deathly ineffective?
every day i see how stupid people are, but it still doesnt cease to surprise me. every day i find myself asking questions like, why would this happen? or why would so and so do this? the answer is too simple. because people are stupid.
goddamn, i mean, im no genius, but to be surrounded by a majority of terribly stupid people is becoming frightening... ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4763906/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4763906/ Tue, 08 Mar 2005 20:02:07 PST drown in sweet mistery
the sight makes me quiver within
the fallacious purity...
shallow green throws me off my feet
the flow could carry me down smoothly
black depths seem to boil in steady heat
angels or demons await to soothe me

a delusion is all it is
projection of the mind?
just to reach it, i can taste this
refresh and rectify my life
just to reach it, what lies beneath it?
one taste to give me all i want
promises of purest feeling
but most likely i'm completely wrong
~yours truly(not a poet, gimmeh a break)


there is a fable about a hungry fox who sees a grapevine full of delicious grapes winding up a tree branch. he tries and tries desperately but the grapes are too high up to reach. he walks away bitterly, mumbling that the grapes were rotten anyway, and he didnt want them in the first place. ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4745611/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4745611/ Sun, 06 Mar 2005 18:26:37 PST
when i was alone(which was most of the time, since my mother was there on business and that is what she was busy with), i was hanging out in central park (beautiful, there was SNOW there!!!after five years i got to run around in SNOW!oh, and those pointless gate things as well, not art i tell ya, just pointlessness) and wandering the streets(broadway is beautiful at night^^) or walking around the deserted ballrooms of hilton(i felt kindof like i was doing something wrong, but hell, the doors werent locked).
we got to stay at hilton for free, it was really cool, a huge, beautiful hotel...

anyway, when i was with my mother i went to see Wicked (not exactly 'theater' like i excpected it, but it was an amazing show, gave me goosebumps at some points with its powerful music and amazing sets and good acting^^). umm...i went to eat dinner at capacabana(sp?) this really cool club, that we again got into for free cause of my moms group^^...umm...well, i was alone most of the time...but yea, it was really fun^^

and i got home to my stepfather bitching about how i dont hug him when i get home and actually do my homework and how my mothers english sucks and how he hates both of us...umm...haha...yea...srry, thats what im listening to right now...

much love
]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4703993/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4703993/ Tue, 01 Mar 2005 16:14:00 PST
been a bit tired and pained lately, for no apparent reason...
but im feeling very artistic, so its alright

going to new york on thursday, again, for no reason.
like missing more school is just what i needed...

i should start on my history essay, its due tomorrow...


shit ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4652191/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4652191/ Wed, 23 Feb 2005 09:13:04 PST ~me ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4459821/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/4459821/ Mon, 31 Jan 2005 07:14:45 PST thats amazing

i shall post some art soon, i do promise...im working on a really nice mized media drawing, and my digital camera will get a new battery sometime soon, so i can post the shinoda painting...

love all of you!
]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/3656088/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/3656088/ Sat, 23 Oct 2004 13:24:06 PDT my great-grandmother is dying in hungary...
shes eighty one, so i keep telling myself that it is alright, but i grew up with her beside me, and its still causing me grief deep inside
its not sure that she will die yet, but its pretty obvious...its not a pretty way of going either, lying in a hospital with her arms and even stomach black and blue and full of needlemarks from where they tried to medicate her...
my grandmother, who lives with her in hungary, tells us (me and my mom) that she will be better and come home, even if she wont be as strong as before, and we try to believe it...
the thing that pisses me off most, though, is that every day my stepfather keeps saying (without much compassion, mind you) that she will die very soon and my mother should go say goodbye to her...
i could cry...i really could...i might cry too if i find a different reason to, because i swore i would not cry because of death
death is a good thing...
the reason im so worried and sad and afraid inside is because me and my other loved ones would miss her terribly...just out of pure selfishness, really...
and my great-grandmother lived the life of a saint...she believed so much in those ridiculous biblical stories and that mythical god...
i told her through my gandmother that im praying for her, and i feel kind of guilty for that. i remember when i was little and i still believed those stupid things only because i had no reason not to...i would pray with her before she tucked me in, chanting those disturbing little prayers...but not anymore...
im afraid...im afraid if she dies the last part of my childhood dies with her...the last times i was truly happy and pure enough to believe anything good. i dont have meny memories of those times, and im afraid if she dies i will have even less. i feel inhuman enough...but if that old part of me dies with her...i might fall into despair...into total denial of everything good...she was my only proof that good can still exist in this world... ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/3635937/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/3635937/ Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:06:44 PDT
and its really driving me insane...depressed, really...
i dont like myself depressed...i do the best i can not to be depressed, but i cant help it...
i keep being reminded that i can never have what at the moment i want more than anything else...
maybe its better this way...
i just wish i could feel a bit happier even though im constantly faced with my wish dangling in front of my face and me not being able to get near enough to get it...

its amazing how many moodswings ive been getting because of this damn thing...i could be so happy...if it wasnt for the fact that just when something that haunted me left, and i was happy that i could try to forget it and move on with my life, an other thing presented itself, taunting me constantly... ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/3567775/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/3567775/ Mon, 11 Oct 2004 18:16:24 PDT
(1) Your namersi
(2) Are you happy with it?:
(3) Are you named after anyone?: no
(5) Your User name: hybriddemon
(6) Would you name a child of yours after you?: no
(7) Then what would you name your children?: Boys: andrew/nicholas
Girls: i...d have to think on that some more....
(8) If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?: andrew
(9) If you could switch names with a friend, who would it be?:lexa
(10) Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do with your name constantly?orshi...pisses me off...
(11) Would you drop your last name if you became famous?:are you kidding? id be great to cause confusion to a million people

as to how its pronounced
(12) Your gender: wohman
(13) Straight/gay/bi? straight
(14) Single?: yea
(15) Want to be?: doesnt matter too much
(16) Your birth date: may25 1988
(17) Your age: 16
(18) Age you act: varies between 70 and 4
(19) Age you wish you were:6
(20) Your height:not sure....five something...
(21) The color of your eyes:its usually blue
(22) Happy with it?: sure...
(23) Hair color? brown
(24) Happy with it?:sure...but i like to vary it from time to time...
(25) Left/right handed?:right
(26) Your living arrangement?:mom and stepdad and dog
(29) What's your job:dont have one...should get one...
(30) Piercings?: two times on my ear, but they grew in...
(31) Tattoos?:gonna get some when i can
(32) Obsessions?: the moon, dragonflys, lp, concerts, certain people im stalking, etc
(33) Addictions?: pepsi
(35) Do you speak another language?: hungarian, very little japanese
(37) Do you have a webpage?: no, just DA
DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it...
(38) Do you live in the moment?:umm...sometimes
{39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?:definitely....but there are still some people that just dont deserve to

live...
(40) Do you have any secrets?: hahahahahahaha
(41) Do you hate yourself?: with a passion, but only sometimes
(42) Do you like your handwriting?:yea...though even i cant read it sometimes
(43) Do you have any bad habits?: im sure i do, but i dont really notice them, i guess
(44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: that i can draw well
(45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?ossessed
(46) What's your biggest fear?:i dont think i have much to seriously fear...
(47) Can you sing?: yep
(48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?:why the hell should i? im cool the way i am
(49) Are you a loner?: i need my alone time...(hours and hours) but otherwise i love my friends and love hanging out with

them
(50) What are your number 1 priorities in life?:to stop wanting to end it
(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?h yes....cause then i knew how loyal i was to those i cared

about and would use myself all the time...
(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?:the dark one...
(57) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:become optimistic
(58) There are three wells, love, beauty and creativity:creativity...maybe then my art would look cool
(59) How do you vent?: beat the wall with my fists (kills my knuckles...),headbang
(60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: im more sensitive than anyone else youll ever meet
(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?h god yes
(62) Do you think life has been good so far?:no, but what life is?
(64) What do you like the most about your body?:not especially anything...
(65) And least?:nothing in particular
(66) Do you think you are good looking?:yea
(67) Are you confident?: right now
(68) What is the fictional character you're most like?:a mix of nicholas de lenfent and lestat de lioncourt
(70) Are you perceived wrongly?:most of the time
DO YOU...
(71) Smoke?: no
(72) Do drugs?:no
(... ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/2968536/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/2968536/ Sun, 25 Jul 2004 23:25:14 PDT [link]

still dying to get to PR already...still having trouble sleeping....but its all good...i just simply cant wait...

things are going to turn out alright for me, i think...its not like me, but from now on ill try to think positive...no use feeding off my own sorrows...
tomorr...*looks at clock saying its 2:19 am*...today im hopefully getting to see my love

oh, and i got myself a hat...its such a cool hat... *dunno why anyone would care* ]]> ~hybriddemon http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/2843373/ http://hybriddemon.deviantart.com/journal/2843373/ Fri, 09 Jul 2004 17:49:31 PDT 's journal (who got it from ) and decided to follow the instructions and put it in mine...

"I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want.
Then I want you to go to your journal,
copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything. Be gentle." ]]> ~hybriddemon