http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:ivylyn&section=today deviantART RSS for by:ivylyn en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 15:17:10 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/7006929/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/7006929/ Thu, 10 Nov 2005 07:34:36 PST
So Chris and I are going to get my gecko tattoo done. There will be lots of photos of the little bugger.

And ten days after my birthday (this saturday) Chris and I will be celebrating two years together. Amazing the surfer and the goth have stayed together happily without me trying to gouge his eyes out and paint his nails black, and him trying to get me to wear sandles and expose me to the sun.
Yep little Mery is still so pale I call the colour "EEK! I'm dead" by MeryGoth

Most enjoyable. Mother is having her breakdown and crying everytime she looks at me. This is not good for myself esteem. And this morning told me that 18 years ago she was a volkswagon on legs. How quaint.

My father isn't talking about me, to me, or even in my general direction. This is interesting since I live three miles down the road. Me thinks I should pop over and just say hi. Maybe then he'll talk in my direction.

Ah well. such is the life I lead.


Merythegeckolovingfreak ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5780702/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5780702/ Fri, 02 Sep 2005 11:58:39 PDT For my eighteenth birthday/highschool graduation present, my fiance is paying for my first tattoo. I know what I want, but I want it to be one of a kind and it will be.

There are not limits to what you can do.

The only thing I ask is that you keep in mind this is going to be a meaningful piece of artwork for me.

Tattoo Number One

Requirements:
Scorpion
Pentecale
Five roses (each a different colour to represent the diffrent elements, [White = Spirit]

Each of these things has a meaning, my religion, and myself. The religon within the pentacle, myself within the scorpion.

OR

Tattoo Number Two

Requirements:
Must be a gecko
Bright colours (no black and whites please)
[points added for curly tails on the gecko)




To let me know you have joined the extended contest please note me here on deviant with the subject "Tattoo Contest 1" or for the gecko "Tattoo Contest 2"

I want you to enjoy this and I can't wait to see results, I just ask that you be tasteful.

All of those joining need to be entered by November 30th 2005, all entries need to be admitted to me by May 31st 2006


The judging will be done by myself, my fiance, a professional tattoo artist and one close friend.


There is only one prize, and that is having your work tattooed on a living canvas, You also will recieve a full colour photo of the finished tattoo, pictures of the proces, and your signature within the tattoo.



Thank you

Mery. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5712379/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5712379/ Tue, 21 Jun 2005 09:14:50 PDT
Mood: Scared
Listening to: Dead Skin -CrossFade
Reading: Papillon
Watching: Montel Williams

Well last night was one of the more eventful I've had.
I was laying upstairs in my room when my two dogs went nuts and I heard the door open. I don't really want to relive the night, so to make a long story short, someone opened the lock on my door and tried to get into the house. Luckily, Shylo and Tramp scared them off.
I'm not quite happy with the Orange Co. Sheriff Dep. They could've done more. But they treated me like I was some sort of idiot and I can't stand that shit.

Anyway. My ankle is very much better and I'm going to have to go to work tomorrow. Not that it bothers me I just don't wanna because I'm closing Usher/Concessionist. >.< something I haven't done in forever.

Happy First Day of Summer Everyone!!!

You know I had the weirdest dream last night, that I was some sort of warrior in the Lake Sq. Mall, and I had this big beautiful sword, that Darien gave me, and no one noticed that I was carrying this weapon around. It made me laugh, because as the dream went on I had to get a fake sales slip for the sword. And I aquired more and more. I also went around showing Chris and Darien the damage I'd done with my wonderful sword, and saying "I did that and that, but I didn't do that." Apparently I was demon hunting. Rawr....^.^ I'm a dweeb.


~Mery the everloving Gecko~

"FIRA!" *gets out blow torch* "And they said I couldn't control Black Magic!" ~Sibohan as Lulu, the lesser Amazoinan Fruit Bat of Doom~ ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5702774/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5702774/ Mon, 20 Jun 2005 09:36:29 PDT

Mood: Surprised
Listening to: HollyWood - System of A Down
Reading: Papillon
Watching: Pitch Black

Well I woke up this morning and desided to hobble downstairs, (I'll explain the hobbling in a minute) and jump online really quick. As I was checking my DA Account I came across my surprise from Darien. ^.^ a beautiful picture of Sibohan and Chris as Wakka and Lulu. She made it for me so I would feel better. And do I ever. I'm smiling. It's really beautiful. And then I go to look at the other deviations submitted and I notice I'm subscribed. !!! WHEEE !!! I'm really happy about it and I wish I knew *Though I have and Idea* who did it so I can give them lots and lots of smooches

Anyway. The hobbling...oh yeah...Remember that memo I mentioned last journal? Well part of it was about where the porter pan and broom lived.. See they don't live in the halls or behind the concession stand. AND they DON'T live in the BREAKROOM, where people, Like me, can fall over them, sprain their ankle, bruise the inner part of their thigh, get a bruise over their uterus and even come half an inch from breaking their nose on the wall.
Yes that is what happend. I can't move very well I can't stand for long and my dad is looking at me saying "GO LAY DOWN"
*Whimper* I hate this. I'm really hurting and having to resort to crutches, even though it's not broken and I dont' need to go to the hospital or the doctor. I can't move around very well.


Well...>T'ank you very much for who ever subscribed me. and I give you lots of smooochies!!! *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCHIES*

See y'all around.


*Mery gimpy gecko*

"FIRA!" *gets out blow torch* "And they said I couldn't control Black Magic!" ~Sibohan as Lulu, the lesser Amazoinan Fruit Bat of Doom~ ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5599073/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5599073/ Thu, 09 Jun 2005 12:42:57 PDT I love working with Nicole, Chris, Sabrina, Jon, Amy, Tammy, and Cathy.
But sometimes I can't believe the stupidity that abounds.
Normally when a huge memo is on the board signed by the big boss Mrs. Stebel you'll want to read it. They didnt'. I think I was the only one that day to actually do what the memo said. And it was a lot of important stuff. I just can't believe it, They are too busy talking about other shit. The really pissed me off.
We also need a bigger break room

I miss my buddies. It seems like the only thing that my life is revolving around is work and home, and even Chris. I miss Darien, and Cody. I miss Sarah and Kelly.

~Mery~ ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5441797/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/5441797/ Mon, 23 May 2005 18:47:30 PDT
1. Kissed your cousin: Like on the cheek. He’s eight come on now!
2. Ran away: Yeah. I went down the road and then remembered ‘fridges are heavy
3. Pictured your crush naked: Yes.
4. skipped school: yes
5. Broken someone’s heart: Probably
6. Been in love: in it now. ^,^
7. Cried when someone died: Of course. especially Laura
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn’t have: yes.
10. Done something embarrassing: Yes
11. Done drugs: nope.
12. Cried in school: yes.


WHICH IS BETTER

13. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
14. Sprite or 7UP: Sprite
15. Girls or Guys: Yes
16. Flowers or Candy: PANDAS
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: Clean please
18. Blondes or Brunettes: NEITHER.... RED HEADS!
19. Bitchy or Slutty: Bitchy.
20. Tall or Short: Shorter
21. Pants or Shorts: jeans 
22. Night or Day: Night


WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX

23. What do you notice first: Their aura .
24. Last person you slow danced with: Chris.
25. Worst Answer to Get: “Huh what?”
26. Showered: As in have I showered or will shower with them? No. I likes my hot water to myself
27. Stepped outside: ...what???
28. Had sex: Yes.
29. Romantic memory: Yes. Not gonna tell


RANDOM

30. Your Good Luck Charm: My Celtic knot
31. Person You Hate Most: Jessica Blackstone, Nick Lindsay.
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: Meeting my best friends and being clean from cutting for two years
33. On your desk: pepsi and my mom's files.
34. Picture on your desktop: Old shack
35. Color: purple
36. Movie: Interveiw With the Vampire.
37. Artist: Susan Frame
38. Cars: Cobalt.
39. Ice Cream: Chocolate
40. Season: Autumn
41. Breakfast Food: Ceral.
42. Makes you laugh the most: Chris and Adam and Matt and Michaela
43. Makes you smile: Chris and Michaela and Matt
44. Can make you feel better no matter what: Chros
45. Has A Crush On You: Vincent -.-’
46. You Have A Crush On Someone: Chris
47. Who Has it easier, Girls or Guys?: not that they don't have it hard, but guys.
48. Gives you A Funny Feeling: boys who cross their legs like girls. :\


DO YOU EVER

49. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: yes
50. Save AIM conversations: yes.
52. Forward secret E-mails: what's a secret email?
53. Wish you were someone else: Only when I do something dumb.
54. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: no.
55. Wear cologne: yes.
56. Kiss: yes
57. Cuddle: ALWAYS


HAVE YOU EVER

59. Fallen for your best friend: Yes I have actually and now he is my baby and we’re gonna get married ^.^
60. Made out with JUST a friend?: no I can’t say that I have .
61. Kissed two people in the same day?: only when playing spin the bottle
62 Had sex with two different people in the same day?: Hell NO! Chris only
63. Been rejected: Yes but in a nice way
64. Been in love?: Am in it now thanks.
65. Been in lust?: Yes ma’am
66. Used someone?: No.
67. Been used?: Yes...
68. Cheated on someone?: Nope. Never.
69. Been cheated on?: Yeah.
70. Been kissed?: Yes.
71. Done something you regret?: Yes.


WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

72. You touched?: Telle I gae her head a massage.
75. you instant messaged?: Chris
76. You kissed?: Chris
77 You thought about?: Chris
78 You yelled at?: Jessica Blackstone or Nick Lindsay
79. Who text messaged you?: Darien
81. Who told you they love you: Chris.


DO YOU...

82. Color your hair? yes.
83. Have tattoos?: no
84. Have piercings?: yes.
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes.
86. Own a webcam?: no
87. Own a thong?: yes
88. Ever get off the damn computer? Yes.
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: JA! Ich spreche gut nicht, aber ich spreche.
90. Habla espanol?: nope.
91. Parlez-vous français?: Oui Mon ami! Et toi?
92. Quack?: moooooooooooooooooooo!!! 


HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU...

93. Stolen anything?: No
94. Smoke?: no.
95. Schizophrenic?: no.
96. Obsessive?: no.
97. Compulsive?: yes.
98. Obsessive compulsive?: yes, but only about my money drawer at work.
99. Panic?: Yes
100. Anxiety?: Yep. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4777227/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4777227/ Thu, 10 Mar 2005 12:31:26 PST I've got that strain of flu that knocks you on your ass for about....4weeks. At least I can function okay, I just feel like shit. Amazing ain't it?

You know what I hate? Really HATE? People who yell at my friends for something I wrote, said or did. Doesn't that just irk you? I mean if they have a problem with me, or something going on around me, and for some reason what I say ticked them off or sent them on a flying rampage....why don't they just come to me instead of screaming at my friends...like Robin for one friend who got snapped at because of something I said.


Now granted I'm not one to censor myself just so certain people don't get their toes stepped on. Because eventually one day, some one will step on those little toesies and well, they need to cope. I know I sure have.

Another thing that yanks my chain, and not in a good way, is people who are very controlling. Even if it's not the typical "Men are better than women" bit. But just some one who thinks that they are better, and should be listened to, or even get their feelings hurt when some one rightfully calls this person an ass for making another party cry or even become so upset that it ruins their day.

I don't know I guess their are just some people in this world that I can't stand. Namely...ones I won't name but, hell if they think they have a problem with me, or the other way around. hell then they should comment and ask...I'll be glad to tell them...

Or if no one gives a damn...okay! I don't care really ... ^.^

No 'Nuka, Darien, Cittie, Yue, and Reiko I don't have any problems with you... ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4751096/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4751096/ Mon, 07 Mar 2005 12:09:51 PST
Friends are fighting.

Don't know what to do.

Don't like it.

Would like to keep both friends.

Am torn between them.

Love one like a sister

Love one like a friend.

Can't say I will take sides.

Only thing to do now is wait and see.

Mmmm...war amongst friends...at lunch. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4344686/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4344686/ Mon, 17 Jan 2005 16:26:12 PST
James never cried. I think he couldn't.

My heart broke. They rolled the casket down to the alter. And I lost it. My father was a paulbearer. I lost my composuer at the sight of that casket. To think, our sweet precious Laura in a box. Never to see the light again. I cried and I cried untill I couldn't breathe.

At the reception James hugged my family and I, we hung on, we couldn't let him go, nor could he us.

I don't think anyone lost it as much as my family when we got to the grave side service. Especailly when my grandfather cried. James was told to stop by and not be a stranger. He said he would and we could have ribs some time, Papa said that we would not for him but for Laura. And he began to cry. So did the rest of us.


I miss Laura but I know she's okay now.


Mery




Laura Grace Saunders, Truely our Angel on Earth ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4303213/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4303213/ Wed, 12 Jan 2005 18:49:36 PST I got my report card and saw I had three As and a C. Then as the day went on I started feeling worse and worse. Until in fourth period I wanted to cry.
When I got home I slept until four, when Chantelle called. She didn't seem like herself, but I disregarded it and went back to sleep when my mother woke me up at five fifteen, telling me my dad was at the front door (since my father works night shift this is tres odd). He told me Laura had passed away. I was so in shock I couldn't believe it. I didn't cry I couldn't.

She died today, January 12th 2005, at the age of fourty, she was a woman who suffered so much but never complained. She was a wonderful person with a heart of gold bigger than herself.

My heart aches now, I need to be held and be able to cry, but I cannot.

I don't know when the funeral is. All I can think about is her husband James.

I cannot believe she is gone after two years of fighting with lukemia she's gone.

We were told we had a few weeks left, that she wasn't going to have long. We never expected to have only a day.

This is the one time I feel horrible, because this is where I don't care if death is only the beginging of a new life, it still sucks and I want Laura back, and I want her be out of pain!

Damn it. She was too fucking young.

Mery.

"Follow your dreams because no matter what you make in money; it's how you feel at the end of the day that matters" Laura, Christmas 2001 ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4285539/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4285539/ Mon, 10 Jan 2005 11:57:17 PST
to begin with Chris and I have been fighting...a lot and that worries me. But we are okay. I don't want anyone to think we aren't. We are okay.

secondly, my stepbrother Justin is going to have a controlled crash. I don't know if I can explain it properly on here but. I'm going to have to. My step brother is mentally ill. He is bi-polar and is a skizophrenic (sp???) with violent tendances. He is also a type 1, 2, and a brittle diabetic. He does things just to mess up his life. And he's now made it to where Chantelle and my father cannot get him the insurance he needs. So they are going to allow him to go off his medication, because he will not get it refilled on his own, unlike myself when I am out of Zoloft I call to get more. He will probably get violent, and Chantelle knows how I get. So I cannot go home. I"m staying with mom and that isn't bad but I'm not sleeping much.

For some reason I can't stop shaking

I'm tired, and snappy. tells me that I've been distant lately and I have no doubt about it. I know I have, it's because my body feels like it's shutting down.

I also have so much I have to do.

Get a Job
Get my permit
pay insurance
get a car
get my lisence
keep my grades up.
Get information on Teacher scholorships.
Get college applications
Get letters of recomendation

I know that doesn't seem like a lot. But to me it is; I've got other things that aren't required by my parental units.

Keep from cutting
Keep from getting in a depression
Open up
Enjoy life
keep the room clean
Keep a happy relationship with Chris.
Go to Prom and have fun.
Move in with Chris.

I feel like the world is falling on me and I don't have the strength to hold it up anymore.

mery




my bestest friends


]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4262043/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4262043/ Fri, 07 Jan 2005 12:50:22 PST
I'm currently reading Martian Chronicles , and it's really amazing, I just wish that I was in Mr. Peterson's class. He's awesome; I don't know how to say it but he's got to be my favorite English teacher ever. I guess I'm having a small crush on him because he is everything I've ever wanted in a teacher.
But unfortunately this little duckling won't be in his class to enjoy the fruits of this amazing teacher. (Prays that he returns on Monday).
I am not in Mrs.Fischer's third period english 3 class. I wish I had not fucked with my fourth period. I hate Mrs. Fischer and everyone in there, and I love Mr. Peterson. He is so down to earth I can't believe it.

At least he and I can still talk, and he's letting me borrow the book to finish.

I miss my Chris a lot. I wish he knew how much he means to me. He really is the love of my life, and I would be lost without him by my side. I know he and I have had our fights, but I still love him with everything I have.

I'm afraid my life is going to get more difficult. Amanda (as I said earlier) is back in school (sorta). And she is talking to me slightly, though I' m grinning and baring it. I don't like her and she smells of pot. She is in my second period with my best friend Darien. Darien and I have known eachother for almost six or seven years and are extremely close. To the point we do walk out of class hand-in-hand. For the mere fact we can. I love Darien very much, but Chris is the love of my life, he is my light and my laughter. I guess I worry that Amanda will be trying to start some shit.

I don't know if I have any really new news. Other than I'm tired and have a pounding headache.


Mery





my bestest friends
]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4245367/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4245367/ Wed, 05 Jan 2005 11:13:49 PST
Yesterday I didn't have my Zoloft on time, and I can't help that I do get high strung when I don't have that wonderful yellow pill, ( I take 100mgs). But Chris was supose to meet me at seven and didn't show up till 7.45 when I'm only there till nine. I got mad at him, which wasn't fair to him, I admit that, it wasn't his fault.

We made up and then went to the food court, where I took his Sephiroth pin off his hat, and he barked at me to put it back, even though I was playing with him. I don't take being yelled at and I asked him where the hell he got off barking orders at me. I promptly returned the pin and walked off. He came after me and we made up again.

Around 8.15, C.W (Chris' ride) wanted to go home, which would leave me alone for a good while. And considering Tuesday night at the mall seems to be pedophile night I wasn't too happy about this. Chris like the wonderful man that he is wanted to stay and just walk to C.W's but there is so much construction going on around that area of Sleesburg/Tavares that I didn't feel safe, right as I started to talk to Chris, my mother called.(more about her in a minute). And this woman apparently has the worse timing in the world.

Anyway, I began to cry and Chris got upset, C.W. wanted to tell me about his problems with the men in his life, and I"m looking at him thinking "I don't care". Love C.W. to death but I do not want to hear about his problems when I've got my own. Chris walked off and CHantelle called, she told me she'd be there in fifteen minutes (by this time it was 8.45), I ran after Chris, -which is something a big girl like me should not do in slick new Vans; especially on mall floors--we made up of course. We snuck off without C.W. Moose and Moose's Amanda, for a while.

Chris called me when he got home and we talked about what had happend today. We're okay now I just feel like a bitch.

By the way Amanda Bucior has returned to school, and that is unfortunate. She hates me and I hate her.

Mom and I are not getting along at all because I am realizing how close-minded she is. I try to open up to her and share what is going on in my life and what I want. And right now I've been planning my dream weddings to Chris because we are engaged to be engaged. And my father has even said if we wait till after I graduate High School he'll approve the wedding and if we wait until after College he will pay for the wedding.
All this in mind, I want my handfasting done first as well does Chris, everyone I have talked to wants me to have the handfasting first. But one person, my mother, because she is telling me one that the traditional ceremony is more important and two that if I get married through the handfasting it won't be true in the eyes of God . -.-'
News flash, happy Pagans like myself don't believe in one God. Or the particular God she is speaking of. Sorry, but no. Then I made the boo-boo of talking to her about what I needed. And she told me that she thought the handfasting was silly because "what if after the hand fasting one of you has to piss?" And of course she thought she was sooo funny. Sorry no. Did I stop? No! I was still trying, I was telling her about how I needed candles, choice colours, incense, a couldron, and broom, here is where she told me I had to shut up because it scared her. She doesn't even know what we use those things for. She is so close minded, I told her if she was going to be like that she would not be invited to my weddings. Period. I cannot take that.

Oh well I guess that it is how it is.


Mery


]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4221465/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4221465/ Sun, 02 Jan 2005 14:26:29 PST
Let's see, December 22nd was my 13th month anniversary. I cannot believe it. Though Chris and I have been having small relationship problems. I cannot say that things are 100% better but they are much improved from what they were.

Now I'm sitting at my mom's working on a few things and missing Mr. Chris very very very much.

I've been floating around this site for a while looking at random people's art, and some of them I admire for thier effort, even though it isn't the best in the world (hell it's a lot better than me, I can't draw a straight line with a ruler) , and then there are the others who don't seem to improve, and do not seem to have any creativity, other than the same old thing over and over. I've seen more creativity and originality in my toe nail clippings than in their work. I supose that's how it is, but when they seem to think they are the greatest thing...it bugs me, especially when they tell others - who are better than them- that they don't have any talent.

Oh well..

Mery




]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4133221/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4133221/ Thu, 23 Dec 2004 04:20:03 PST ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4019251/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/4019251/ Wed, 08 Dec 2004 13:25:24 PST

Stats for ~ivylyn

I have 2,099 pageviews total and my 26 deviations were viewed 828 times.
Overall, people left 86 comments and added my deviations to their favourites 12 times, while I commented 308 times, making about 0.54 comments per day since I've joined DA. This means that I gave 36 comments for every 10 that I received.

My most commented deviation was EGAD ITS MEEEEE with 13 comments, receiving an average of 0.92 per day in the first 2 weeks, while my most favourited one was The Moon Light Tells All, with 3 favourites, averaging 0 per day in the first 2 weeks. My most viewed deviation was Two NUKAS TWO with 108 views.
1 Favourites were given for every 10 Comments.

Every 21.5 days I upload a new deviation, and it's usually on a Thursday, with 35%/9 of my deviations.
My busiest month was June 2003 with 9/ 35% of my deviations.
The majority of my deviations are uploaded to the Poetry gallery (10), while my favorite category was Narrative > Spoken Word with 3 deviations

Comments per deviation: 3.3
Favourites per deviation: 0.46
Views per deviation: 31.84
Comments per day: 0.15
Favourites per day: 0.02
Views per day: 1.47
Pageviews per day: 3.74


Stats provided by $micahgoulart @ Ingenial.com / GalleryStats


Tis be *Nanuka.


Ze Merry-Death is not here at the moment.

Leave a message after the beep.

-BEEP- ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3895418/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3895418/ Mon, 22 Nov 2004 17:39:30 PST One year ago he asked me to be his and I said year. I love him so.

My mother and I have been watching this documentary on Lon Chaney. And I've come to love him as an actor more than I have loved Kenneth Branagh. Lon Chaney was so ingenius and I admire him so.

'Nuka says she's gonna do some art for me, for my birthday and anniversary. Kigger is supose to do her half of the trade in the anniversary tone. Darien is gonna do something for my anniversary too. I feel loved. ^.^

Mery ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3881130/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3881130/ Sat, 20 Nov 2004 19:35:11 PST *sigh* the joy that he's brought me is unmeasurable.

I finally got my report done for Ms. Brittans class which is a wieght off of my mind.

Other than that,
Nothing new. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3849293/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3849293/ Tue, 16 Nov 2004 12:31:56 PST I'm alone at the library until Five something, and that sucks.
I don't really have much to do. I supose I could work on that open book test, and then on my hilter projects...but I really need to unwind right now.

My week finished off great. Especially because of my love and life, Chris.
I have reasons for saying this but I'll keep them to myself for a while.
But I do have to say I've never felt this way for anyone in my life...ever.

Besides that I am working on my art more, but it's still got a lot of work to under go. But I'm trying.
I might just stick with photography

We had a woman come in to Chef's class today. And that was a waste of my happy time. Mucho unhappiness.

Ta for now.
Mery

Ps. Nuka is the most artistic ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3818911/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3818911/ Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:37:17 PST I got to see Chris today, and everyone gave me kisses and hugs, and lots a nice things.
Mom gave me my new cell, my new camera, a new set of comfy jamies to sleep in, a new robe, a lellow *yellow* baby rose bush. ^.^
Darien got me some sooper dragon earings to match hers, and lots of snuggle kisses!
Chris got me a dozen pink roses a little happy birthday panda and a new ring Which is all I wanted
Michaela got me a happy bunny wallet and a cool little miniture lava lamp nightlight thingy
Grandma, Aunt Jeanie and Aunt Anne gave me 55$ total so I have monies to buy my friends things!
Justin gave me a manga how to draw book so I might be uploading more.
And my birthday isn't over yet. o.O'
Not to mention the lovely happy birthday wishes I got from SellMyClothes and Nuka and everyone.

Thanks for making my day special!! ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3787143/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3787143/ Mon, 08 Nov 2004 16:57:59 PST And then in two weeks itl'll be my one year anniversary. I'm really glad about it too.
I can't believe that Chris and I've made it through a year together. I'm so happy about it. I love him so much.
I'm getting scared of my step brother. To the point where I'm wanting to lock my doors. Oh well.
I love my chris so much. I do love him
If my life ends with him by my side it'll be a happy ending. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3704549/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3704549/ Sat, 30 Oct 2004 20:21:06 PDT First off. I'm quitting the Haunted Hayride permenately.
I'm never ever ever going to do that again. Tonight was horrid.
I busted my toenail back all the way back to the quic. And it hurts!
Then the Aesops Park Homeless Drunk was here. I'm deeply unhappy. He was there last year and I was scared, this year he was there and I was even more scared. I stared hyperventalating, Meagan, and Darien took me up to the front, after I called Chris, who was there in a second.
I was crying and shaking, and I'm so lucky Chris was there to hold me.
I went home. I quit the Hayride.

I lost my ring, and I told Chris, he's okay with it. I'm really okay now. I just hurt all over....

I can't wait to see him again
~*~*~
I want to extend my thank yous to all of the following.
1) Darien Bray: I cannot thank you enough for being there to hold me as I sobbed, and crumbled you were my pillar when I fell. Thank you for being there for me
2) Meagan Pace: Thank you for running around to help me get to the front. Without you and your willingness to help me I know I would've gone stark raving mad
3) Chris Baker.: Man I owe you so much for comforting me
4) Ross Barlett: For taking control and doing all that I know you can and understanding where we were all coming from
5) Marie Ann: Youre the best little woman I've ever met, you are so down to earth and truthful I just love you to death
6) Matt Gray: You are my ferret for ever and always. Thank you...for everthing.
7) Cody Bretz: My big strong Cody. I know you will always look out for me.
8) Frank: Thank you for being there to help the others
9) Michaela Gross; For being my other pillar to hold me up when I'm down. I couldn't have done it without you.
10) C.W Crews; Thank you for bringing Chris up so quickly.

THANK YOU TO ANYONE I"VE FORGOTTEN. BELIEVE ME IT IS NOT INTENTIONAL!!!
I cannot thank you enough for everything you've done. I love you and admire you all.
Mery ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3686768/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3686768/ Wed, 27 Oct 2004 13:38:59 PDT Mery Is watching: Old people
Mery is wishing: saturday would come
Mery is thinking: her spider bite hurts...a lot

~*~
Yeah I got bitten on my right index finger by some sort of non venomous to humans spider. But it hurts like hell. I know it was a spider because the all trusty internet told me so...plus the two fang marks kinda gave it away. Then I found out it was non threating because the only symptoms I've got a redness, swelling and pain.
Ha! Lucky me, I don't have to go to the hospital...i think...I've been sick looking all day... So who knows? Mery might be getting an all expenses paid trip to Waterman Hospital Florida. Woot.
I really hope not, I can't stand hospitals.
My finger looks like it's gonna rot off.
~*~
The haunted hayride is tomorrow...woopie...
I've got to tell Darien I can't make the dead line for her contest, even though I really wanted to. I'm just not good enough.
~*~ ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3681863/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3681863/ Tue, 26 Oct 2004 18:59:37 PDT Mery is watching: Some sort of Horror Count Down
Mery is wishing : saturday would come
And Mery is thinking : her toes are cold.

~*~*~
Well what can I say, I've got upcoming stuff, and I'm tired.

Dates:
October 30th 2004: Darien's Halloween Contest Ends
October 28th-29th Is the Drama's Halloween Hayride. (I can't make it on the 30th)
October 31st: Samthin
November 3rd: My mothers birthday
November 12th: My Seventeenth Birthday
November 22nd: My one year anniversary

I know that I want to ask Horus-Goddess for some art work, but I'm not good enough to trade with her. So I probably won't, because not only that but I don't have the money for a commission either.
I'm also waiting for kiggers half of the trade, I'm really looking forward to that.


I am also open for doing some minor trades, and I will gladly try to draw, or even write for you.

Mery

Booyah. I've got some stuff coming up. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3673877/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3673877/ Mon, 25 Oct 2004 18:49:53 PDT Our one year is just around the corner, and I would like to know if someone would please do some gift art for me, for my one year.
It'll be the longest relationship I've ever been in. And it's also the best.
I'd really love and appericate some art work, of Panda and Merry, celebrating our anniversary on Novermber 22 2004. And I'll even do a trade if you don't mind really horrible art work. Though I will do poems. Hey i'm trying.

Anyway. Sue a girl I barely know, and don't even care about is trying to start shit, between me and Chris. I don't believe her but she thinks I should. She keeps telling me Chris is a liar and a scum bag, She's a liar. and I know it. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3629786/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3629786/ Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:19:42 PDT [link]
or here
[link]
I'm not big on Deviant right now. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3621214/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3621214/ Mon, 18 Oct 2004 17:56:28 PDT Chris came and visted me up at school today, and that was really really nice. I love him a lot. I really do.
School is hard. Chef's mother died at five this morning, so we'll have a sub for the next week. And I'm gonna miss Grandpa. He's the best. No matter what he always makes me smile. He's like an older version of Chris.
I've been kind of reserved lately. I don't know why. I've been tired. But other than that, I know that Chantelle is having major problems with her son. She admitted to me that I was more important to her than he was. I felt so bad. That's her son. The one she's been looking for, for twenty years. But he's nothing like her, he's also a liar and ungrateful spoiled child. Even if is he 21.
Something is going on with my emotions. I don't know if it is from the mess ups with my Zoloft or what.
My dad scared me, he asked me if I was pregnant. Oh gods. That's a scary question.
If I am, I didn't know about it. Chris and I have been good. Very good, thank you very much. So if it's not Chris', then that means, it would have to be some one elses. And unless for some unknown reason I'm having the reincarnation of Jesus...I have been raped.
I know I'm not pregnant. But that is a scary, scary thing for your father to ask you.
I understand why he asked. I've been getting sick in the mornings but that was because of this stomach flu I had.

Mery ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3595923/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3595923/ Fri, 15 Oct 2004 12:18:28 PDT This one just seemed right for the day and how I feel.
I guess Amanda and I are done. She's been glaring at me every time i see her. And I'm no longer able to cope with her lying to me. Therefore, I"m going to assume that our friendship is over and no longer is she a problem of mine.
You know the saying keep your friends close but your enemies closer, I think that if I kept amanda as close as I need to know her every action, I'd have to surgically connnect myself to her, and I reallly don't want to be associated with some one like that.
Earlier I would've thought "oh no. I'm losing my best friend." but I know now who my real friends are. And she's not one of them. And I was a fool to ever think she was. But you live and you learn, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well I may not be stronger, but I sure am a hell of a lot wiser now than I ever was.
I should've never doubted my Chris. But I did and I regret it. I guess I'm just weak like that. I know he would do the same if he were in my shoes. He's told me that, but I cannot help but feel horrible about it.
Mery ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3539577/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3539577/ Fri, 08 Oct 2004 03:28:03 PDT Lately I've been wondering who my true friends are. I mean the friends that'll be there with me even if I lose my mind and start talking to my oatmeal.
I know that after this stunt with Amanda, from Thursday (please read [link] to understand) that I can't trust her, especially if she's gonna pull this shit to try to rip me and Chris appart.
I am trusting Chris that he's not doing what she says she is. And that's a hard thing for me to do. Not because of Chris, but because of my trust issuses. I worry sometimes that everyone is bent on causing me pain. And mentally I know that's not true. But emotionally I can't turn that off. When I have people telling me two diffrent things, one a girl I used to trust, and care about, even just a smidgen, and the man I hold in my eyes as a god...Heh...I guess when I write it down...it's there right infront of me.

Goddess I can be so blind some times.

I believe Chris. I did imediately when he told me "no" the first time, but now all I want is to be in his arms. For him to hold me and say "it's okay baby girl". Lately that's what I've needed.

But who are my true friends? Who can I turn to with all my problems?
I know that I have friends, but which are the ones that'll stick around even after I've bitten their heads off because I was in a horrible mood? Which are the ones who love me for who I am? Not what I'll do for them?

I know Chris is my bestfriend besides my love. He's proven that to me. He's stopped being my boyfriend at times and just sat down with me as a friend.

But who else is gonna fight on my side, and hold me up when I fall? When I faulter? When I'm weak and crying?

I don't want to be alone. I feel like I've fallen from the grace of Fate...

Merythescaredtobealone ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3518749/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3518749/ Tue, 05 Oct 2004 12:42:04 PDT My weekend sucked, and Amanda now wants to a) kick my ass or b) yell at me. Either or I'm not looking forward to it, but it would be in her best intrest not to do either.
Much loving!
Mery ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3389311/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3389311/ Sat, 18 Sep 2004 03:45:12 PDT I was up at odd hours. I first woke up because I was sweating to death. then I guess I kept waking up hoping Chris would call or I would hear from him or something. Now I'm up at six in the morning yawning, and extremely exhausted. I woke up this time because of my shoulder.
I can't really say anything other than I want to go back to sleep, but now I can't. Once six rolls around and I'm up. I'm up for good. Stupid school. My bodies just been trained that way.
I'm getting really annoyed with myself, because I have all these ideas for poems, stories, and even drawings, but when I sit down to do them, they just go POOF.
Well...my kitten is calling.
Mery ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3384708/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3384708/ Fri, 17 Sep 2004 13:32:49 PDT 'Nuka posted his ref. today. I'm happy with how it looks.. she's wonderful.
Now I sit here for the second hour waiting to go home...praying mother comes to get me and Nuka before I crack.
Mmmm cracking brain..... ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3354324/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3354324/ Mon, 13 Sep 2004 12:08:52 PDT Turns out Amanda is taking out her problems with me on Chris.
And I just now learned that Chris had a bad day at work last night. and I was half asleep when he called.
Now I feel like a real bitch.
Nuka drew a piccy for me. It represents how I feel right about now, and what I'd like to do. But I can't because I"m nice like that. You know the whole Wiccan thing. "Harm Ye' None"
Well they mean that physically I hope because I'm gonna rip someone appart verbally tomorrow if not tonight. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3333882/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3333882/ Fri, 10 Sep 2004 17:21:18 PDT
This is day one of my escape to South Carolina. I'm deeply displeased about this forced journey. I am miles away from my loved ones, and all I want to do is go home. I never thought I would hate my father like I do right now. Though the traveling here was hard, the uncertainity of how long I will be here is harder. I'm hundreds if not thousands of miles away from my boyfriend, my family, and friends. I want to go home, I don't know how much I've cried or will cry, but I know the only way to make this better would be to go home. Not later, but now. I don't want to be here three days or two weeks. I want to wake up in my warm safe bed in Mount Dora. I'd do, I'd pay, I'd give anything to go home. But all I can do is cry. I miss my mom, my Grandmother, my Chris, my animals, and my friends. I've got a feeling I'm gonna have to drug myself to keep from falling apart. When I had to tell Chris I was leaving, I wanted to beg him to marry me. I don't know why. I guessI thought that I'd know I wouldn't lose him or have to leave. He told me he had the same thoughts. I never thought I'd want to marry young, But I want to with Chris. I hope I'm not gone too lone.

Happy 16th Michaela.

September 3rd 2004

Day two 3.05 pm.

Furman is really nice. He reminds me of Papa. But this doesn't change how badly I want to go home. It sucks here. I want my Chris, I want my mom, we are supose to go out to eat at six pm. My cell finally got service, so i should be able to call Chris even if it is only for a little bit. When I get back he says he's getting us matching claugdh rings, which to him and myself are promise rings. I want to go home.

Day two @ 9.39

It's not all bad here. It's not home, and it's not what I want. But Furman and Linda are very nice. The hurricane has dropped to about a level two. But has yet to make landfall. The earliest we're looking at returning is Tuesday. I hope so. I got to talk to Chris for a while and that made things easier. We went to eat at a smoke=house grill. Wasn't very tasty but it's food. I can't help but laugh at the food mom packed for me. I miss my mom. I miss everyone. Furman has two dogs, a miniture pincher, named Ricochet, and a belgin malenwa named Red. Both are very sweet. Red reminds me of Shylo. Justin and I are talking more. I opened up to him and told him a lot about myself. And I even broke down and cried. He and I seem to be getting along a lot better. I got a shower today, I feel so much better, I hate to smell. I miss my man, I want to go home.

Day Three. September 4 2004

The hurricane is just now haveing the outer bands hit land. I want to go home. Cindy and I have agreed to go home monday. John, Justin, Cindy, Gavin, Chantelle, and myself, went to Carowinds. It was to kind of take our minds off of our situation, but nothing could keep me from thinking how much better everything would be if I had Chris to be here with me. My closeness with Justin was shortlived. He picked on me for being "short" I'm done with his crap. Dad wanted to talk to be but I'm done with his crap too. I don't want to talk to him either. I want to go home NOW. I forgot my Zoloft this morning, and I have a pounding headache. Not to mention my face is sunburnt. I got Chris a stuffed Scooby doll. I know he loves Scooby. I miss my Panda.

September 6 2004 Day Four.

I got sick today at 3.00am. Chantelle got onto me for not going to her. Why should I? I'm not six I don't need her. Furman reminds me so much of the Papa I knew when I was young. His laugh and papa's are so much alike it's scary. It looks like there won't be a day five. We will be on the road home. I figure even if I have to go home on a bus I'll go home. I'm so tired. I'm waiting for lunch. Furman is a creature of habit. Breakfast at six, Lunch at Noon, and Dinner at six. I don't know what to do they say there is a third hurricane behind Frances. Ivan. How wondeerful. regardless I'm going home!

Those are the four journal entries I wrote during my trip to South Carolina. I can't believe I'm home. I'm ready to just get life back to normal. These damn hurricanes are startin' to piss me off.

By-the-by, Chris and I did go and pick out matching claugdah rings on Tuesday.

Also there is news that has reached my ears that Amanda is once more "in love" with Chris. I heard the day after I gave Chris my promise ring to him, she took one look at it during work, and ran into the back bawling. Why? Because she loves him. Yeah...right...she wants him one because she can't have him and two because she's not gettin' any. I'm so pissed about this. So pissed. She could have anyone she wants. And I maybe could understand it if Chris and I were on the rocks, or i... ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3123011/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/3123011/ Sat, 14 Aug 2004 09:49:08 PDT I was honestly scared shitless. I don't know why but I have always been terrified of natural disasters such as a hurricane and torrnados. When Chantelle thought she heard a torrnado and had us go into the stair well I thought I was going to pass out. I don't like hurricanes and torrnados. No I don'tt

On to other things. I know most of you don't know this but my step-brother Justin has moved in with my family. and it bothers me. [link] can fill you in on everything. Anyway he laughed at me last night for being afraid, and I merely had a rude hand gesture for him. Fucking asshole with a vacumm in space for an aura.

My classes this year are great. I've got Liberal Arts Math first period which is really kinda easy. Second period I've got Chef Betts with Yue and Ayame which is a lot of fun. I love Chef, he talks like he's on speed. Third period is intresting with Ms. Brittain. She new and very intresting, not to mention amazingly beautiful. Then I've got Kipp for Music Appreicataion. Which is actually an FCAT remediation course. But because I passed my FCAT I've got independant study. Which is good news cause that means I spend five minutes in that horrid room, check out, go to the school library, spend my time there studying about music and vocal techniques I get to write a paper about it and then I go home. ^.^ This makes the Mery very happy.

I've missed all my friends and I hope they know I love them..
Oh and Cody....your pre....funny. ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2442530/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2442530/ Sun, 16 May 2004 17:01:29 PDT She may be diabetic now, and she has to go in for some god only knows how many tests.
I hate, HATE, hospitals but I spent over three hours in one staying with my mom.
what else could I do? ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2187348/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2187348/ Sat, 24 Apr 2004 18:19:52 PDT They are watching me,
~mekinism
*Nanuka
~reiko69
~pineappletango
~yue69
~Tujima666
~sting86
~pyrokitty84
~Cheshirespawn
~purpleflame
~greenfury
~jorick
~Hejji
~ebon
~killedmyidol
~risha
~animeangel-790
~horusgoddess
~BluOshami
I'm watching them

*Nanuka
~reiko69
~yue69
~Yue-Kun
~pineappletango
~susan
http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2093408/ Sat, 27 Mar 2004 05:48:47 PST It was not as bad as I thought it would be. I met a lot of intresting people. And a bunch of sweethearts, and one insane woman who makes me extrmely uncomfortable.
I met a man named Edwin who is only twenty eight and suffering from juvenile diabetes. He pulled at my heart when he asked if I'd be back to see him on Sunday. Now I"m stuck going every Sunday and Wednesday.
As for Darleene, she is a paranoid schizophrenic and causes all the little hairs on the back of my neck to do the Can-can.
And (for those of you who know me personally you know how big of a deal this is) there was a green gecko out on the garden porch that sat and ate lunch with me.

as for the grounding. Things are intresting to say the least. My father has already given myself and Manda 30minutes on the phone at night. And I have my computer back, though it's not hooked up...yet. Every day that Amanda and I go to work with Chantelle, is a day off grounding early. I've already racked up two days and by the end of it all it will be twelve days early.

I've been able to talk to Chris everynight on my cell for at least two hours. It's good to have that bit of normalicy back in my life. Though I do miss him so much. I did get to see him last Saturday for about twenty minutes which was very very nice.

Spring Break is over and I'm so glad to see school grounds again ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2044394/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/2044394/ Fri, 19 Mar 2004 16:37:20 PST BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since I'm grounded. Guess where I'm getting to spend my five day holiday?!
You guessed it Lake Eustis Care Center for the mentally hanicapped.
Only I'm not volunteering. I'm being forced.
Apparently when you become grounded with a step parent like mine, You become free slave labor.
Last weekend my sister and I spent two hours doing yard work, and pulling three hundred and fifty feet of wild florida grape vine off the fence.
Then!!!!!!!!!! We got to clean house, wash a car, clean up after my cousin Gavin, put peat into pots for my StepMother's residents, and I've been cooking dinner for the last six days.
(Hint: MERRY-DEATH CAN'T COOK!! last time she tried, chicken parts were all over the place {it was supose to be chicken noodle soup})
Now...now Manda and I are being forced to work with the elderly with Dementia. Such as skitsophrinia(sp?) Alsshiemer's desease, and other problems of the brain. WOOPIE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I get to work one on one with these people who make me extremely uncomfortable because one of them thinks he's HILTER, and actually has the number to the CIA.
Manda gets to do paper work.

Slave labor sucks.

I hate spring break ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1960272/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1960272/ Sat, 06 Mar 2004 01:52:22 PST My hearts is broken because of a lie, A lie that should never have been fabricated. I know some of my class mastes know what I'im talking about. I know some of them think that it's something completely diffrent.
Well let me give you the low down.
Today at lunch I was benting my anger with Amanda, when John tells me that Amanda has confided in him a secret that would break my heart. I beg to know. Then Melissa agrees and say that Amanda as also confided in her. They both tell me that Chris and Amanda have slept together and that Amanda is pregnant with Chris' baby.
i have a panic attack because my heart seemed to be broken. I felt like I'd been betrayed by my love and my sister.
I called home and was ppicked up by my mother, whom I told everything to that has happend with myself and Chris, including the fact I slept with him. Which inturn got told to my father.
Chantelle imediately takes Amanda's side. Not even hearing my defense.
Any way after much tears and suchh I eneded up losing everything.
My TV
My Phone
My Computer
My PS2
My freedoms *i.e going to the mall*
My boyfriend
My father told me if he catches Chris around me before I'm eightteen that he will have him arrested for statitory rape.
(I would like information on the proceedings of statitory rape if anyone could help me in the legal department. )
I spoke with Amanda, and I looked into her soul, Amanda said she never slept with Chris, and never would. She couldn't, she wouldn't do that to me. I knew then that she was not lying to me. I knew then that Melissa and JOhn had fabricated this lie, to tear me and Amanda apart, and to get me to leave crhis.
Oh how I wish they knew half of my suffering now.
Goddess how I wish I could strike them down.
They have killed my sould.
Chris was the only reason I was happy the only reason I smiled anymore. Sure I was happy but that steamed from Chris.
Now anymore I have no reason to smile. No reason to eat.

I cannot eat. My stomach is in knots. Even now I cannot bare the sight of food nor the mention of it.

I wept so much last night. I wept more then that I ever have.

I wish my father could see how he's killing me inside. I wish he could see that now I want to cut again. Now I want to die again. Now I don't want to go on..again.

After a year of being clean from those thoughts, here I am again. Alone...in my dark little room, Facing my own doom, I stare at the ropes seeing now hope seeing this as my only way to end my sad existance today.

Look familiar? Yeah it's "My Suicide" well and part of it. Those feelings are back.

Only now. I feel so numb inside I cannot even smile at Fionn.


Maybe I can turn my face to the sun soon. Maybe I will be with my love again. Soon I hope.
for Goddess knows I love him ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1954962/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1954962/ Fri, 05 Mar 2004 04:39:56 PST Yeah I know Staind. Gotta love those guys.
I just wanted to let you all know I haven't dropped off the face of the earth though at times I wish I had.
I've just been busy and had no time to update at all.
My friend (and I use that term loosely right now) Amanda ended up living with me. It seems now that I regret being so generous and letting her move in. I mean I know she doesn't have any place to go. And that's unfortunate, but she's still a guest in my house. We took her in. We are trying to accept her in our family. But I don't seem to be liking this at all.
I don't want to be mean but I'm tired of her taking over my life. I don't seem to know how to handle stuff anymore.

Anyway. Chris and I are celebrating our four month anniversary on March Twenty Second.

I shall try to update more.
Ryoko ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1200178/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1200178/ Wed, 24 Sep 2003 18:13:13 PDT Yes..
Thank you Nuka ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1143962/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1143962/ Tue, 09 Sep 2003 11:45:51 PDT Nuka showed me the new char design for Merry-Death and I think she looks positively beautiful! *GLOMPS NUKA* I love it to death.
Today was actually pretty good considering the latest of events with the THS Drama...no not the club just our lives. Heh
God I hate normal keyboards they make me have a headache.
Anyway KUDOS FOR NUKA SHE IS GOD AND HAS MUCH BADASSED-NESS!! WOOOOOOOOO
I can't belive I have Stacy's Mom stuck in my mind. >.< its kind of a cute song...anyway...
WEEEEEEEWEEEEEEEEEEEE
>(SQUEE)<
Love you all.
Merry-Death!!! *dances off in her new char body* WOOOO I'm SO PRETTY! ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1122006/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/1122006/ Tue, 02 Sep 2003 15:56:25 PDT I'd love you forever if you linked me to a good Gambit site, sent me some good gambit pictures or the like.
Gambit rocks my socks. (as Susan and her wonderfully awesome friends say)
I love you Remy...
God I'm pathetic ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/956519/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/956519/ Thu, 17 Jul 2003 15:58:45 PDT if any of you love me...you'll deliver a sharp blow to the back of my head.
MeryWonderful People.
]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/931205/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/931205/ Thu, 10 Jul 2003 19:14:12 PDT Not much has happend in the last few weeks. I've started and tomorrow ending work at the elementary school. Its a bitter sweet parting. I'm going to miss working with the women and some of the kids. But I'm glad I'm finally gonna be able to sleep in and not have to deal with the spoiled kids.
Oh I must say this now...THANK YOU MEKINISM!!!!! =M= he is so totally awesome...note the new Icon..that is something he did for me. I know I've said it a lot already but THANK YOU!!
well i've done my little bit...thank you again Wonderful People.
]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/869465/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/869465/ Mon, 23 Jun 2003 19:12:58 PDT I'm worried about my friends.
screw this right now.
]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/837456/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/837456/ Sun, 15 Jun 2003 15:51:01 PDT I want to punch something until my knuckles bleed. I want bleed until I die. I want to cry until I can't anymore. I want to yell until I cough up blood.
Oh...oh how I want to cut...I want the taste of blood from an open wound. And I want to have caused that wound.
Yet on the other hand..I don't want that wound to be on me.

I'm fucking pissed..pardon that ^ I had to say it sometime. Then seemed like a good friggin time.

I don't mean what I said about cutting myself...I don't think I could bring myself to do it anymore.

I do feel kinda lonely though. I still don't know who my friends are...I thought I knew once. I guess I don't anymore. Damn..

Mery-death ]]> ~ivylyn http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/834299/ http://ivylyn.deviantart.com/journal/834299/ Sat, 14 Jun 2003 18:42:04 PDT I hate everyone right now except for :
Blaze, Nick, 'Nuka, Crystal, Christa, Alan, Jesse, Dusty, Michaela, and 'Mandaz
Goddamn..Excuse me for starting an entry like that but goddamn..funny I don't even believe in the christian god.
Yeah this is my first deviant entry..ohh ahh..all marble at its suckiness.
I'm just gonna friggin vent right now.
I went to the mall today and I got to see Blaze, Yue and Crystal, not to mention Christa...all hunky dory right? WRONG!
I go to give Yue a hug and he informs me that everyone hates me because of me and Blaze dating. Now I don't know why but that friggin upset me to the core. Then I come to find out that "everyone" who hates me is also talking shit about me.
I told this to Crystal (My best bud of five years) and apparently Blaze overheard me. Needless to say that he was not happy about it.
I hate Christa's boyfriend..hes an abuser. I can see that..

Damn I miss my friends..if I have any...right now knowing that people hate me...I kinda feel alone...
This makes me wonder who my friends are...who doesn't hate me...
Mery-death ]]> ~ivylyn