http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:jm081&section=today deviantART RSS for by:jm081 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:12:40 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27548101/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27548101/ Fri, 02 Oct 2009 21:27:54 PDT but its not very accurate in my eyes. Either way, Im deffo on the dark side XD




Outcast
[ ] You don't have very many friends. (Maybe not at the moment, but i get around XD )
[ ] Often times, teachers forget your name. (Only when i was a kid, and they didnt forget, they juss called me by my bff's name, jordan)
[ ] You were always picked last for kickball. (Yes and No. Elementary, no. 5-9, yes. I hate kickball and only played when forced)
[ ] You don't like to talk a lot.(sooo nawt true, for anyone that knows me)
[ ] You tend to avoid mass social activities.
[ ] You don't participate in any extracurricular activities.
[X] All you wish for is to move away or get a fresh start.(Small Town Syndrome)
[X] Your friends have blown you off before. (That's why they are nao EXFRIENDS, hence the getting around :3)
[ ] You sit alone in most of your classes.
[ ] You have a feeling that once you leave high school or college, nobody is going to remember you. (theyll have a hell of a time forgetting me)
[X] You hold interest in activities that other people find strange. (der-dah-der)
[ ] People don't find you friendly.
[X] You hold extreme hate towards another high school stereotype. (Oh HELLZ YEAH)
[ ] You eat alone at lunch.
Total= 4


Scene Kid
[X] You know what sXe and hXc actually mean. (Not straight edge, sorry)
[X] You have/had a obsession with dinosaurs, robots, and Pokemon.
[X] You idolize Jeffree Starr. (been a music fan for awhile. i respect his work. i dont "idolize" him.)
[ ] People have called you scene before.
[ ] You spend at least an hour getting ready to take pictures of yourself for your MySpace.
[ ] You have a mirror pic.
[X] You listen to bands that most people have never heard of. (not to be "scene". FUCK. i have been an underground band person for a LONG TIME NOW)
[X] You enjoy going to shows.
[ ] You only go to shows for the sake of going to shows, not the music. (Anyone who does that should avoid me :/ )
[X] Your hair is multicolored. (At the moment? No. In the past? Yes)
[ ] You accessorize your hair with kiddie barrettes and bows. (HELL TO THA NAW. IM NOT THAT PATHETICALLY CLICHE)
[ ] Fashion is one of the most important things that define you. (my fashion sense doesnt HAVE a definition)
[X] You mosh.
[X] You often mix vintage with modern. (im poor. sue me)
[ ] Your MySpace picture captions are sad lyrics to sad songs.
[ ] All of your friends are scene.
[X] You don't know many of the people on your friends list in person. (Band Promoter dumbfuck. My personal myspace has ONLY personal ppl)
[ ] You take angled pictures of yourself. (not a constant, i prefer a straight shot)
[X] You enjoy photography. (im a FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHER)
Total= 10

Prep
[ ] You pop the collar.
[ ] You won’t go near the Goths. (half my friends are goths, and i used to consider myself one as well )
[ You own at least one thing from a designer store.
[ ] You are very clean cut.
[ ] You are squeamish.
[ ] People have called you preppy before.
[ ] You never leave the house without putting on cologne/perfume
[ ] You have a lot of money.
[] You know who LC is.
[ ] You watch shows like The OC, The Real World, The Hills, and Laguna Beach.
[ ] One of your favorite stores is Abercrombie & Fitch or American Eagle Outfitters.
[ ] You're afraid to set foot into Hot Topic.
[] (Girls) You carry a purse wherever you go.
[X] You need to wake up at least an hour before school so you can get ready. (When i could manage i tried too)
[ (Girls) You do not leave the house without make up. (if i have a bad day i throw on glasses. woop dee, im not ruled by my image)
[X]You are content overall with how your life is going.
Total= 2

Band Geek (used to be one! )
[X] You have played an instrument before.
[ You still play an instrument.
[ ] You are/were in regular Band.
[ ] You are/were in Jazz Band.
[ ] You are/were in Marching Band
[ ] Most of your friends are in band.
[ ] The band room/band hall is your second home.
[] You enjoy listening to classical music on occasion.
[ X You aspire to be a Drum Major.
[ ] You've made out with somebody on a band bus or at a band competition.
[ ] You have trouble getting your non-band friends to go near... ]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27547273/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27547273/ Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:37:33 PDT >> Be one of the first 18 people commenting on this journal entry, and I will add you to the Featured List!

>>> For each of the 18 first people answering this journal I will put his/her avatar and the three deviations I like most from his/her gallery on the list.

>>> If you answer, you'll have to do the same in your journal, putting me on the first place, completing the list with 17 other people. The idea of this is not to get a free feature, it is to spread art around for everyone.

1: (Sawa Dear-This all starts wif her, me besti ^w^)

[link] (<--- AMAZING)
[link]
(Her Pokemon makesh meh happeh ^w^)
[link] [link]
[link]

(i cheeeeeated and put moar than 3, so dere)


2:

[link]
[link]
[link]


3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27140829/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27140829/ Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:26:34 PDT HAVE YOU...

[x] smoked
[x] consumed alcohol
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[x] kissed someone of the same sex (not in that dumbass Katy Perry way.) (no relation.)
[x] had sex
[x] had someone in your room other than family
[x] watched porn
[ ] bought porn--Never bought it, but im a tomboii, so i've seen craploads with my idiot friends XD
[x] tried drugs

TOTAL SO FAR: 9

[x] taken painkillers
[x] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[x] lied to your parents
[x] lied to a friend
[x] snuck out of the house
[x] done something illegal
[x] felt hurt--Of course dumbfuck
[x] wished someone to die
[x] seen someone die--My grandpa took his dentures out right before he died and his face LITERALLY sank in o.O

TOTAL SO FAR: 18

[x] missed curfew
[x] stayed out all night
[x] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself--What was left of it, thanx a lot munchies and heartbreak
[x] been to a therapist--he pisses me off a lot
[ ] received a ticket
[x] been to rehab--not an official official stay in there for a month kinda rehab
[x] dyed your hair
[x] been in an accident
[x] been to a club
[x] been to a bar

TOTAL SO FAR: 27

[x] been to a wild party
[ ] been to a Mardi Gras parade
[x] drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night
[ ] had a spring break in Florida
[x] sniffed anything
[x] wore black nail polish--Like every other stoopid wannabee that has access to a TV or Internet
[x] wore arm bands
[x] wore t-shirts with band names
[x] listened to rap
[x] owned a 50 Cent CD

TOTAL SO FAR: 35

[x] dressed Gothic
[x] dressed punk
[x] dressed grunge
[x] stole something
[x] been too drunk to remember anything--Never been "Drunk" but "bombed" so i'm counting it
[x] blacked out--Worst 6 months of my life
[x] fainted--Halloween, and not from anything i took either XD
[x] had a crush on a neighbor--She was effing cute! Her mom wasn't half bad either XD

TOTAL SO FAR: 43

[x] had a crush on a friend
[x] been to a concert--Jshadow Productions Rox!!
[] dry-humped someone
[x] been called a slut
[x] called someone a slut
[ ] installed speakers in a car
[x] broken a mirror
[x] showered at someone of the opposites sex's house--You be quiet
[x] brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush--Again, shut up XD

TOTAL SO FAR: 50

[x] considered Ludacris your favorite rapper
[x] seen an R-rated movie
[x] cruised the mall
[x] skipped school
[x] had surgery
[x] had an injury
[x] gone to court
[] walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping
[x] caught something on fire--Tiffany once XD And once we all got to light Seth on fire, right before we set the school on fire XD
[x] lied about your age--Many times, best one was to a lifeguard

TOTAL SO FAR: 59

[ ] owned/rented an apartment/house
[x] broke the law in the police's presence--Funny as all hell XD
[x] made out with someone who had a GF/BF--He almost killed me bahaha
[x] got in trouble with the police--In Tiffany's words "Oh NO! It's Tha Po-Po and their JELLIES!!"
[x] talked to a stranger
[x] hugged a stranger
[x] kissed a stranger--did the french thing with both cheeks, it was hilarious XD
[x] rode in the car with a stranger--She was very very nice
[x] been harassed
[x] been verbally harassed

TOTAL SO FAR: 68

[x] met face-to-face with someone you met online
[x] stayed online for 5+ hours straight
[x] talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
[x] watched TV for 5 hours straight
[x] been to a fair--Plz bish i used to RULE the fair when i was a kid
[x] been called a bad influence
[ ] drank and drove
[x] prank-called someone
[x] laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex--It was cuhute >w< He's still mai babay mama XD
[x] cheated on a test--Math, cant pass it for the world >.<

________________________________________ _____
TOTAL: 77
________________________________________ _____



If you have 00-10 ... write [I'm a goody-goody]
If you have 11-20 ... write [I'm still a goody-goody]
If you have 21-30 ... write [I'm average]
If you have 31-40 ... write [I'm a bad kid]
If you have 41-50 ... write [I'm a very bad influence]
If you have 51-60 ... write [I'm a horrible person]
If you have 61-70 ... write [I should be in jail]
If you h... ]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27140435/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/27140435/ Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:59:32 PDT > [link] && [link] on Alan Turing, and was no only disgusted with the people that did those horrible things to him, but that its taken THIS LONG for any sort of aplogy etc.

That is wrong.
That is vile.
That is more disgusting and horrible than ANYTHING that man EVER did.
He did NOT deserve it.
He did NOT earn it.

I dont have anything i could give short of a signature to his cause, but i dedicate today in my journal to him <3

________________________________________ ________________________________________ __

On a different note, I had 3 more attacks in the last 24, one last night and two within the last hour. I'm in a lot of pain. The meds gave out on me...whatever it is i have must be either worse, or different than what they are treating. They're treating all the easy to fix things that might be wrong with me... the next step would be looking for ulcers. The next...looking for tumours. I refuse to let them do either. If the meds they give me will not work, i will find some kind of pain reliever and live with it. We dont have the money to treat anything else. As long as i can breathe, as long as i'm not trying to scream and finding i cant, as long as i can function, i wont complain, and i wont ask for anything more when it comes to "treatment".

The attacks are bad enough, but its the fatiuge that gets to me the most. How tired and stretched out i feel. All the things i've been planning on and wanting to do have to take a back seat. I dont even know if the big official-type shoot i have planned will come through. Frankly i may not be up to it, despite the months i have hoarded it in my mind as a dream i can reach. The fact that i am STILL lacking the kind of armchair i need further hinders this >o<

I now make it a point to try something different in makeup 5 days a week like a real job. I dont allow myself to go back into something i've already done. I want to start challenging my new found skills and hone them in. Eventually i hope to start trying all these things on other people just to further my goal of becoming VERY good at what i do. I take pictures of every success and post them to my myspace like crazy haha. Yesterday was white (literally, white) eyes with a touch of sea green and lillac on the very edges, i only went halfway to eyebrow height and the eyeliner was medium. I liked it very much I so rarely do "Light" makeups. I dont think most of my pictures are artistic quality, but i figured i'd post some to my dev anyways. Maybe in a few years i can look back on them and laugh

<3jmann

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/26616470/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/26616470/ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:02:37 PDT
i haven't been taking as many pictures as i used too, and i haven't been learning all the stuff i wanna learn in makeup U_U I desperately want to add more pictures to my gallery though...and as pathetic as they may seem since they are only of me, i likesh em, so back off.

L.O.L. (lots of love) goes to Sawa-Bear who has been the bestest





-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Totally stole this off of Sawa. I suppose it will be a laugh, seeing as i am in teh process of embracing masculinity bahaha.

1. Do you sleep in your bra?: depends. if i actually get the TIME to prepare for bed, no. If i just pass out, no choice

2. Do you enjoy drama?: I'm a drama "queen", NOT a Trauama queen.

3. Are you a girly girl?: only when i'm in a rare and vaginal mood.

4. Who was the last person you hugged?: havent hugged anyone in a while, i dislike it now, so i'd have to say Stef

5. Small or large purses?: big green messenger bag or mai kindergarten snake bag

6. Are you short?: maybe 5 7? all i know is i'm taller than most of my friends

7. Do you like somebody: *all women have permission to kick my ass* i am dating, but im in love with someone else.

8. What would you do if someone smacked your butt?: do what i always do, turn around and beat that mother buttfucker

9. Do you care if your socks are dirty?: not a socks kinda person, but yes, i have a close relationship with my over-sensitive feet :3

10. Do you dress up on Halloween?: Depends on if the ppl i'm hanging with that year are, since i look Halloween Ready every day

11. Are you double jointed?: excuse me young man?

12. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?: good story, but i've slept (after 9pm) on school grounds, at Deanos, a public bathroom....XD

13. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?: hell to tha mutha buttfuckin no.

14. Is there a rumor going around about you?: there always is, i attract shitt like that

15. Do you call anybody by their last name?: they is lucky if i REMEMBER their last names

16. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?: nobody XD there are like, what, 3 people that read my journal??

"X" Marks the Spot:
[x] I do wear make up.
[x ] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy. (oh yeah!!!)
[x] I love to laugh.
[x ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[x] I like rap.
[ ] I like country
[ ] I carry a purse.
[x] I’d be lost without my computer.
[x] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[x ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own a boy band CD.
[x ] I get bored watching football.
[ ] I’ve never been called a spoiled brat.
[ ] Guys are confusing.
[x] I’ve been called a bad influence.
[x] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.


Come on ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?: black

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?: neon colors bish

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?: duh, my guy friends are so irritating

4. Do you have a best friend(s)?: ohhh hell yeahyuh, they're like half of my life

5. Have you ever had your heart broken?: yupp, im american, im a teen, so yeah, pretty much

6. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?: every freaking day of my LIFE

7. Do you like your life?: in general? no

8. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?: yes, and i have returned the favor

9. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?: not voluntarily...
... ]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25971781/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25971781/ Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:49:19 PDT .<

right now i am trying to arrange a shoot with an old friend of mine...but i highly doubt the pictures will be worth it, as i am STILL working with only my stupid phone camera.

i have a lot of odds n ends writing stuff i could post, but since none of it is concrete i also highly doubt that i will post them :/

i wont be on very much in the coming days/weeks. this is just a hurriedly typed message of sorts to say so. i have a crapload of stuff to reply too but i just cant stomach it right now. eh.

<3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE:

soooo i uploaded a few dev's of my "Sarcasmical Sunshine" series i took out of sheer boredom a few days ago...the inspiration for photographs just isnt there anymore it seems. i'm hoping to have a CRAPLOAD of decent pictures from the concerts im hoping to go too, but i guess only time will tell. luv luv <3

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25683130/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25683130/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:05:55 PDT
i havent had much of an opportunity to take art worthy pictures...all the pictures ive been taking lately are of one person...ME. GAHHHHHH! i had a short shoot the other day with a friend, but all the pictures turned out like SHIT. grr.

so since nobody has time anymore, i guess i'll just be posting stuff of me.

normally i dont edit my pictures. i dont like the idea of a picture not being worth enough to stand on its own. however, when i was making animated pictures, i decided what the hell, i'll edit a batch. so i neon colored a couple pics, played around with some effects, and was just having fun, when i came across an awesome little site. i uploaded one of my all time fav pics of myself to it and started a lil this, a lil that, and BOOM. i got a NICE picture. i felt guilty about it at first because i thought it was a good picture to start with. but after seeing the edit...wow. i love it ten times more. i'll post some of the main edited ones, and maybe i'll blog some of the awesome avis i made, but they're all basically the same picture, which is vanity.

beyond all that life has been pretty dramatic for the most part, and i despise it. this week is "my week" seeing as my parents did NOT insist i come with them to camp and left me home alone. and no, i havent had the typical "high school party". ive entertained a few friends, but for the most part have just been sleeping, creating, and messing around on a computer :3 i've been watching a couple of ooold 80's films and i absolutely love them!!! i'm designing a pair of gloves after the red leather fringe gloves in "some kind of wonderful".

lately, due to circumstances i will refrain from mentioning, i have lost my appetite. this is EXTREMELY weird for a fat kid. literally, every day i drink pepsi, have maybe 1 sandwich or a bowl of rice, and thats it for the entire day. i feel the hunger pains, but its like i no longer care about them, they arent ruling me. last time i felt like this it was due to a chemical, yet im sitting here sober and not hungry. i have no idea what is wrong with me, but while it's here i'm sticking with it. if i lose weight over this i will take back everything i said about god and prayers XD

my myspace has taken a HUGE leap, and now that i have music features on my page *finally* i hope to raise the level to some of the underground bands i love. although some are no longer underground. i have loved Tickle Me Pink for a little while now, but now everyone's talking about them! their music vids are AMAZING.

i just realized this journal entry is pointless XD

anywhoo in conclusion i am trying my hardest to get the vlog (yes, VLOG, as in video blog) going, but since i only work with a phone, it is difficult. i cant email vids any longer than 30 seconds...grrr... so its a LONG process to piece them together...plus i want to edit them so they're not so meaningless...ugh. if anyone knows of any good free video editing software, please, by all means, comment me.

i luv chu all! mwah!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25359760/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25359760/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 19:16:15 PDT
my dad is SUPPORTING my decisions! he's going to let me move to texas, pursue bartending, and he is also SUPPORTING my band and my (hopeful) union!!!! SQUEEEEEEEE! after all the fights and degregation, here i am , on top of my emotional world!

on another note...i am ACHING to photograph someone BESIDES me. seriously, my own face is getting dead boring. but since im armed with only my phone camera, i am extremely limited. but lets jus say that i wont let that stop me. if nobody here in town wants to take pictures i will...idk...hire a hooker for an hour, or somthing! im that desperate XD

the other morning i woke up and wrote a song out of nothing, and today i have been coming up with amazing one liners, quotes, and song pieces! i have no idea what it is, seeing as i was doing it in a horrible AND happy mood, but whatever it is i need to jus keep doing it! at this rate...anything seems possible!!!!!!!

sharin all mah love :3 go sara and taylor: you guys kick ass

oh and another happy thought...i log in, look to the message bar at the top of the page, and read "420 deviations" XD that makes me squee!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25278839/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25278839/ Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:36:22 PDT
"A.T." got really heated th other day. apparantly all i ever show is my "educated" side. he got angry because i wont show any other side to me, and i kept insisting that there wasn't one. there is. but its been my experience that those who know all about you are the ones with the tools to do the most damage. and lets face it, we're all human, we all fall to temptation. destroying others should be added to the list of the 7 deadly sins.

i hardly EVER get on deviant any more U.U im always on my myspace tho
[link]

now to the part thats behind all my outlying complaints.

a matter of days ago, one of my best friends followed in my footsteps...but like a child to a father, my shoes were too big to fill. lets just say she ended up exactly where i once was, only 6 feet deeper. she hasnt contacted me since, of which i am slightly grateful, as any more contact with me is hazardous. after tearing myself apart, i decided it was time to move on to happier things. but now everywhere i go i get reminded of the look on her face. ive been having really bad nightmares because of it and have found little sleep. those of you on here who know what happened already, i thank you for the kind ears. to everyone else, i wont post on my journal exactly what happened to her...maybe in a few months when the world is quiet again.

beyond that i am consumed with all the little things that make up a life. i took some new pictures with my phone but greatly need a better camera...oh well. ill look for one in better times.

oh and i finally perfected Chinese Heart Attack Special! note me for the recipe...its genius

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25175544/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/25175544/ Sun, 07 Jun 2009 08:38:40 PDT
VERY TIRED. U.U

posting more stuff to myspace, since most of my pics nowadays arent really art quality...im sorry ive neglected so many dev friends. what can i say? im just another let down?

1 happy thing. my english teacher, who btw called *ppl like me* "damn queers" in the middle of class...and wouldnt let it die afterwards (he was a former mayor and always pretended to be politically correct...constantly), was fired for sexual affiliations with students seems that i am more worthy of heaven than the very scumbag who tried to publicly devalue me. (he was also a former bishop...funny)

Temptation is screaming me down from greater things. Everything with th potential to destroy me is so fucking appealing... Is this th point of life? Learning when to say yes? (not just no)

Jeffree Star, YES, Jeffree Fucking Star, was in Salt Lake City Yesterday...and i couldnt see him U.U saaadness :/ PLUS Liberatia was playing in Richfield the ONE FUCKING DAY i couldnt be out there....safe to say life sucks for jmann right now...

on top of that...the day i get the ring (yu should see it, the rock is HUGE) for chy....the one i was going to propose to her with this summer...she tells me "i cant come out...im being forced into summer school"

like it says on all my status', "i'd say its raining on my parade if there was ever cause to celebrate"

somebody fucking kill me.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24951294/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24951294/ Mon, 25 May 2009 20:48:32 PDT
i finally have my band page up!!! SOOOO SIKED!!!!

[link]

go there NOW and add/fav/comment us!!!

or better yet...

APPLY TO JOIN THE COLOR OF DESTRUCTION!

if anybody out there loves me they will help me out...i need to make some stickers or something to demonstrate us...like wallpapers...but ive never been all that good at it, and now that my laptop has crashed, i have no way of really doing it anyways...PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!

other than that i am doing...idk...ok? a lot of bullshit here in my town, but once im in her arms in texas (yes, you heard me right, fucking texas) im hoping none of this will matter....

more complete update soon :3

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24711490/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24711490/ Mon, 18 May 2009 19:39:15 PDT
my dad DID lose his job...but as of late has decided he wants to create his own business with moi helping him out so i will NOT be hitching to SLC :/

i am expected to help him when it comes to writing and speaking...im god awesome at writing persuasive papers, and i'm also god awesome when it comes to talking complete corporate bullshit i can ham it up for the best of them, if my name isn't miss piggy

on another note i am surviving on pure inspiration lately, and am doodling like CRAZY!!! hoping to post new doodle works soon.

as far as photography, the only camera i'm working with is meh phone :/ but i have wayy to many ideas and inspirational leads to allow that to get in my way! so i will be starting SEVERAL new series over the course of the next month and i hope to get a LOT of feedback from them (i mean it guys, comment like crazy, it might make or break me) *i rhymed!! *

*sighz* gah. i wish i had a nikon d40X wishing wishing wishing...
damn santy claus. he no love me enuf to give me amazing camera. perverted elf. probably wouldnt get me one even if i DID take meh top off

another comment, i am trying my HARDEST to get my new website going with what limited time i have...please be patient wif meh! if yu gets tired of waiting, please visit signes blog of awsumness... my site has the link :3

uhhhh at this point i am just shamelessly ranting...it feels nice

i will NOT be available at all on saturday...i am helping with the mock disaster for most of the day and then i am going to my high school's yearbook party. i may have dropped out this year but i bought a yearbook all the same, and i wants to get all my friends to sign it...well, the friends that i consider worth my time. it might be a chance for confrontation and god knows i havent had a good bitchy fight in SOOOO long it may also be a final chance to farewell those i love or loved, and as far as the bitches go...hmmm...this is my chance to send my point home. that i am seeking revenge on them and hates their guts to da core :3

UPDATED SUNUFABISH!!!!!

(as promised i am whoring *Gutterface*'s journal entry on everything i own or see space on, starting wif meh journal!)

For all the gay haters out there, we understand your arguments. We understand they don't make any darn sense.

~*~

1. Being Gay Is Not Natural
And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts...

2. Gay Marriage Will Encourage People To Be Gay
In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing Gay Marriage Will Open The Door To All Kinds Of Crazy Behavior
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4. Straight Marriage Has Been Around A Long Time And Hasn't Changed At All
Hence why women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight Marriage Will Be Less Meaningful If Gay Marriage Were Allowed
And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.

6. Straight Marriages Are Valid Because They Produce Children
So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously Gay Parents Will Raise Gay Children
Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay M... ]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24434506/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24434506/ Sat, 25 Apr 2009 20:09:24 PDT

so, update.

since meh dad lost his job U.U i will most likely be striking out on my own soon enough to save my family from being driven to the street. which means they can move in with my grandparents, and only i will be living on the street. eh, at least my view of the world will change. i mean, it has too, right?

at the moment, i am staying clean! yayy fer me! i kicked the habit of being myself and giving in to all the things i know will destroy me, for the moment at least. i have no idea whats wrong with me anymore XD at least when i was troubled before my troubles troubled me. now...i'm not so sure. i think its a kind of denial...not exactly ignorance nor naivity, just...blissful denial :3

ALAN (refer to previous entry) told my dad he thinks i'm bipolar, and told me he thinks i have ADHD. hmmm. i've only seen the guy twice, but every time the look in his eyes makes me feel like a lab rat, being carefully studied by a scientist who has made me an extension of his life's work. its a kind of hunger. and i am not used to being prey.

personally, i dont think there's anything all that bad going on in my head. maybe i'm just eccentric, or wired badly. why does it have to be that something went wrong?? maybe, for once, its something gone right. (despite the effort provided by some)

ive been doing a lot of thinking lately (dangerous, i know) and while i dont consider myself deep, i seem to be gaining a bit of depth. at the moment my puddle is covered and polluted with an oil slick, but dont worry, underneath, the mud can still be classified as meaningful. and in the end i dont think that it matters anyway. its just one more person in the world. one more bed to fill, and one more mind to empty.

no contact from any of my in-town friends. shouldnt have expected anything better. i knew i didnt matter. the let down is a planned-for disaster. i'm not alone with all these voices from the TV but the heat of comfort is denied me.

either way, right now i am running on 43 hours of no sleep, little food, and pure inspiration. i'm going to post some of my doodles later...thats right, i actually gathered the courage and DREW something rather than press a button.

oh, and as far as meh homelessness goes, i'm hoping to hitchhike to SLC for a little while, then maybe to Texas if all goes well between me and Cheyenne. i'll still try to post, but it's gonna get harder to accomplish, so fer everyone's that gives a damn about my damned soul, please stay on the line.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24154326/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/24154326/ Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:37:27 PDT
i be a sowy i havent updated this journal vereh often my faults heh heh...

but i havent been on of late because i have been doing some serious rethinking bout meh life...

i called this stupid hotline for my girlfriend, cuz i was having a bad episode and seeing as i've been suicidal for 6 years, she knew what was going to happen. so i called it for her sake, and the lady HUNG UP ON ME. this is 1-800-Suicide. and the "professional" lady HUNG UP. SHE GAVE UP ON ME. she called the local cops who watched my house for the next hour and accused me of breaking into my own car so they could "assess" the situation. they ended up in my living room, and eventually took me to the hospital, where i was stuck until 5 in the morning listening to how my tox screen was basically clean and talking to a therapist from Nephi named Alan.

i got home, and the scars all over my arms didnt even phase my dad. he didnt blink twice or even stare. this basically proved to me that he HAD known all along and had done....NOTHING. we all pretended like it didnt happen. even when he took me to the therapy building, it was as if we were going to a church meeting!

By the way, i have only ever had 2 counselors in my life. 1 when i was 5 and learned i was adopted (she bought me ice cream and forced me to smile), and the 2nd was a free guy from the church who couldnt last 2 sessions with me. instead of being a man, he just refused to call back.

and the therapist i went to last tuesday???? he listened, sure, but in the end it was basically us talking about philosophy and me educating him on my theory of cutting. i plan on giving him my deviant URL so he can read it for himself. if he is reading this right now...HI!!!!

my next appointment is with the Alan guy again next wednesday. i wonder what he will have to say. more like i wonder if i will have to "correct" his media influenced views as well.



in the end, its all pretty pathetic. i have attempted suicide MANY times...ask any of the people who were there at some point of the process. but the one night i dont even attempt i get dragged in??? WHAT THE FUCK???

and this "therapy"...all it is is me talking and someone else listening with an appropriate face (happy or serious, i dont think shrinks have much else to choose from save the poker face). NO OFFENSE YOU PROFESSIONALS, BUT I HAVE GIVEN MYSELF BETTER COUNSEL THAN YOU EVER PROVIDED!!!

yes, i am angry, and upset at the moment while i write this. and i am leaving a LOT out...but anyone who knows me can easily fill in the gaps...i mean cmon...i am just that predictable.




(updated on april 15th)
i liked the title and all of this entry, plus some ppl are commenting on it so i'm just going to update my current entry instead of make another new one :3

so its been a week and a half since that night i met wif da allan guy again today. he gave me another set of forms to fill out, only this time it was all about emotions and all. i thought the questions were idiotic or ironic, either way, i answered honestly. i didnt think it was that big a deal until he pointed out that my score was at least double that of someone "distressed/anxious/crazy". wow. didnt see that one coming. but still, we ended up talking again, and i was right, he had asked to be assigned to meh. when i was talking to the gray-baldy-guy (i'll call him GBG here), he said that i was probably going to a new guy they had coming in. i told him i doubted it because i could tell that this allan guy wanted to talk again. and i was right! XD (score 1 fer meh!)

so he had me repeat a lot of what i told GBG, and somehow we got on the topic of politics! good grief. i thought therapy was supposed to be RELAXING, not anxiety-provoking through the discussion of politics! XD

anyway, he's an ok guy. 34, has kids. the whole sad story. i almost feel bad for him. but...its his own fault so oh well. he kept talking about my..."energy". cuz i'm always exhausted when i see him (that night i was up over 40 hours, and today i only had 3 1/2 hours sleep), yet i'm not like...dead on my feet. its strange...the entire process. i dont think i will EVER get used to it. but i suppose thats a good thing...if i got used to it or even enjoyed it i might be chained for life this way i am willing to get out when i can XD

i havent decided if i'm going to give GBG this URL...might be used against meh *oh shit!* but i never miss an opportunity to shove my art in a disbelievers face XD jus ki... ]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22401662/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22401662/ Sun, 04 Jan 2009 18:58:29 PST oh my goodness and popcorn...

da thing is i put up all dis crap that i has been wanting to post since FOREVER and so i finally do and...nothing really happened. is i impaired or is there something i ish not doin??

but i has good news...i gots FEATURED!!! there are no words i can use to explain gdit!

[link]

pretty please check it out, cuz the other pictures are HELLA GOOD and i feelz honored to be counted among them!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22314287/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22314287/ Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:00:51 PST [link]

everyone go there NOW!

i put up A LOT of stuff and i ish very proud of myself yesh!

LOVING THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22243158/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22243158/ Sun, 28 Dec 2008 13:07:55 PST
]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22032655/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/22032655/ Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:23:20 PST 001. Real name → Juwana Mann
002. Nickname → J-mann, Marijuwana, Pit Bitch ^_^
003. Status → With a BOOTYFUL GIRL
004. Zodiac sign → Capricorn
005. Male or female → Femalez
006. Elementary → FES
007. Middle School → FMS
008. High School → MHS
009. Smart → psh I’m the genius filling out the forward…of course I’m smart!
010. Hair color → brownish reddish
011. Long or short → long but soon to be short
012. Loud or Quiet → LOUD! I has a megaphone permanently glued to meh lips.
013. Sweats or Jeans → jeans
014. Phone or Camera → phone…it has a better camera on it than my camera
015. Health freak – psh ya work out 24/7 and eat cardboard, then die anyway.
016. Drink or Smoke? – Socially, sure
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → my girl…?
018. Eat or Drink → Drink, I am addicted to pepsi and energy drinks
019. Piercings → Snakebite, used to have eyebrow and ears b4 DT
020. Tattoos → not yet, but soon :3

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → Right Side of my lip, and earring studs that didn’t work
024. First best friend → Jordan Sorenson…dumbest bitch ever.
025. First award → something to do with wut a smart ass I was I’m sure
026. First crush → Jake and Billy…first BF’s too…before I rejected penis :3
027. First pet → Nakeeta, German Shephard/Rottweiler mix dog
028. First big vacation → Hagerman
030. First big birthday → 5th birthday…half the guests went home bloody :3

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → POP TARTS!!!
050. Drinking → 7up pomegranate stuff :3
052. I'm about to → get out of schoolz!
053. Listening to → Lips Like Morphine, Kill Hannah, Hits From The Bong-Cypress Hill, 420-Kottonmouth Kings
054. Plans for today → call my honey bunny, make a shield, update the site.
055. Waiting for → my life to kick in and me to turn 18

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? → Yes, Adopt only.
059. Want to get married? → Yeah, when gay marriage is legal.
060. Careers in mind → The World’s First Pirate/Ninja hybrid, and a writer/artist

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
068. Lips or eyes → Eyes…no wait lips….no…definitely eyes :3
070. Shorter or taller? → I like em both ways haha
072. Romantic or spontaneous → My girl is both :3
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → hmm…nice arms…
074. Sensitive or loud → someone who knows when to be what
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → Trouble maker :3

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → Duh!
081. Ran away from home → Yes
082. Eaten Shit→ um…a casserole resembling…
083. Done something you've lived to regret→ almost everything
084. Broken someones heart → sad but true
085. Been arrested → Yupp
087. Cried when someone died → only when I was a kid and my cousin told me someone brutally killed my grandma…she died in her sleep

DO YOU BELIEVE:
089. Yourself → not most of the time :3
090. Miracles → Nope. Fate, Maybe.
091. Love at first sight → It’s not love at first sight, its lust at first sight
092. Heaven → Gotta go somewhere white an fuzzy…evil people will dirty it up so they gets kicked out haha
093. Santa claus → there was a real man in England named Claus, he was a carpenter, but the fat man in a suit and sleigh down your chimney is preposterous.
094. Sex on the first date → Maybe… don’t expect it to go far though
095. Kiss on the first date → its up to her, but I’m all for it

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → Uh, Aly, duh
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → Nope 
099. Do you believe in God → I believe in a higher power…
100. Post as 100 truths and tag

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/21822204/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/21822204/ Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:48:17 PST [link]

everyone visit that link NOW!!! is amazingness!!!

well...my last entry is from last school year, beginning of this one, and now it's December i'm writing again!

on that friend, she got "married", ran away and isn't around to bug kids anymore. YAY! of course there's been SOAP OPERA DRAMA with others after her, but i'm not patient enough to post all that crap.

lets see...i finally figured out that i'm basically gay. and it is SO liberating! i mean, there's guys i've always LIKED, but not so much in a physical way, slightly, but i think i was kind of fooling myself now that i've come out of the "closet" (closet? more like a 3 car garage hee hee) i'm much happier with that part of my life. i think i may have even found someone...shhh! don't tell

however...other problems have been getting bigger. like me not bein able to find a job when i still owe over 300 dollars to our government for destruction of property. i have literally applied all over the place, and no where has seen fit to hire me. the only job i can get in this pathetic town is selling drugs or selling myself. neither one is going to get me far. if i cant pay it off i may have to go back to juvenille detention. honestly? i could do it. doesnt mean that i want too. i'm not taking all that time off my life.

the way i see it is i have 5 roads to choose from. 1) jail 2) charity and begging 3) moving to my "uncle's" 4) running away from my problems til they catch up to me, including trying to hide my "addiction problem" 5) death. and i'm not kidding on any of them. i simply have to make a choice. and none of them look very bright.

but on to happier things!!! like CHEESE!!!

oooo...cheese...and ninja skills... mmmm

on to brighter sky's with one big ass rainbow over it!!!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/16394719/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/16394719/ Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:27:44 PST
she turned to a bad crowd, and started hurting people in her life even more. she hurt her mom and all her friends. one by one we all began to hate her.

then she found a new way to get sympathy. cutting. only she was too afraid to actually cut, so she scratched little baby cuts about a cm long on her wrist. she told dang near everyone. she "confessed" to me about her suicidal thoughts. she turned to guys that were more than willing to break her heart.

so people slowly started coming back to her, as she made amends. but now she is out of this town. she is eighteen now, so she ran to her aunts house. her mother wants her institutionalized so she can be helped. then i got dragged into it. after spending half an hour on the phone with her, trying to get her down here to see her mom, she started to lash out at me, and now she has cut me off.

in a way i am relieved. the drama probably moved out with her. in a way i'm sad, because i know that if anyone would be able to help her, it would have been me or one of my friends. but in the end she has to help herself, and i know that. i cannot solve her world for her, and she has no right to ask it of me.

right now i am in a state of, i'd say, shock. the suddeness is overwhelming....but i know i will make it through all the stronger.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15807306/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15807306/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 12:53:55 PST beseech me to care
making my heart nude and freakish
for all my honesty.
caring i found
was harder than expected
so i sat in the back room
and cried
until i loathed myself!
i realized my home
is where my heart is
and my home resides
in your unforgiving world.
but of course
it was my naiive youth
who believed
you would never let me down



lol random things...i think i 'll put something other than my rants on here, for variety's sake!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15693735/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15693735/ Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:28:47 PST
she did come crawling back. yesterday she apologized to shadow in what i think is a sort of desperate last attempt. she makes this big show of you cross me once and you're through, then she always comes crawling back.

i think i've figured xfriend out. i wont say it all here but i think i know a lot of what she's about.

for one thing, she needs other people to give her the love she cant give herself. she needs that love and pity, cuz its what she has received all her life, and its the only thing she knows, although she doesnt understand it. now that she's 18, her attitude is like "well its all legal now so i can date who i want when i want". and thats what it is like.

i may hate her really bad, but when you think about it, she's gonna get herself raped or something with her actions on myspace. she was always talking about how dangerous it was for shadow to meet random people online...then she pulls this crap! right now I feel like reporting HER.

in fact...me and a friend have been thinking. this kind of thing happens way too often, and i always have to play the good guy who never gets back at them, never gets revenge. i'm tired of being a good guy. now, i feel like revenge, and i tell you, i'm going to get it.

moving on...cuz amazingly other things are happening in my life that have nothing to do with xfriend.

what the hell is up with the whole chritmas before thanksgiving thing gdit? i mean, yes, christmas is important, but all it is now is a representation of a greedy generation.

but then after all, everything man does has a selfish motive...

thats all for now... check [link] for more of my crazzzyyness... its more artistic in a way anyways...or w/e artistic means now

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15479221/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15479221/ Mon, 12 Nov 2007 13:19:29 PST
xfriend as i'm going to call her now is pulling more.
she has come crawling back to me and shadow. she was all talking to me about shadow and what was her problem cuz shadow wont talk to her or say she's sorry. shadow didnt do anything wrong, and xfriend is acting all victimized like we did do something. its the other way around! she treats us like dirt, and walks all over us. when we dont take it anymore and ignore whats going on she gets all offended and oh woe is me.

she has pancrentitis, and a bunch of other stuff. she has a new feeding tube in her nose. hopefully she gets one in the stomach soon, thats what she wants anyways. its like we are all supposed to bow down and spoil her just cuz she gets sick. she has no clue. but i wont tell her that, because then oh no i'm the bad guy for letting the truth come out.

anyways, so yeah we're not friends, and i really dont like or trust her, and all of my friends but one agree. the one is the only one who still really talks to her.

so i'm sitting in world civ. today, minding my own business, and she sits over by me and shadow. she starts talking to me about her problems and i'm like WTF you're not my friend! i dont deal with your issues and baby you anymore! but i was polite and nice and made it seem as if everything was good...god forbid i should oppose her.

but moving on...

she writes a note to shadow saying what is your problem...her problem was this. xfriend has a myspace, and she is on it every single day. doing what you might ask? she talks to friends, yes, but mainly her "men". (the ironicy is she wanted to talk to the police about shadow talking to guys online...then she pulls this stunt) she meets a guy on there and after a while (a week or so from what i understand) they decide to meet here in her hometown. so they go to the rehearsals for the big musical coming up, and shadow goes with them. five minutes later they decide to go, and shadow tells xfriend she'll grab her coat then go out to the car. she gets out there with her coat, and the car is no where to be seen. xfriend and this guy she just met ditched shadow! she came to my house crying, feeling hurt and betrayed i'm sure, and i just wanted to throttle something.

xfriend thinks its ok to walk all over everyone else. i'm here to say this: no! i refuse to let you walk all over me! if you're reading this, i'm not sorry, i wont apologize, i did nothing wrong to you EVER! you need to wake up, open your eyes, and realize what the F*CK is going on! the more you lie and hurt others, the deeper you dig yourself. shadow wants revenge...i say i'm just going to let you talk your way into your own grave, and i wont say a thing.

you told me to take any and all pics of you off my camera, my phone, my myspace, and my deviantart. those pics are just as much mine if not more so than yours. you have more online than me! you took all my hard work and put it all over your myspace, and then you try to tell me that i have no rights to them anymore! sorry, not going to happen.

i remember the fight, you know. on the phone. you were all set to forgive and forget, then your mom came in and said i was making you more sick by upsetting you and that i should feel horrible cuz i was going to send you back to the hospital. then you turned right around, told me the same thing, and said everything i said about the group and me babying you so you wouldnt get upset was a load of bull. there was my evidence! i wasnt supposed to dis you or make you upset, i was just supposed to sit there and listen to everything you said about how i was wrong and a twisted human being.

what did i ever do to you other than support you and try to help you, and basically do what you told me too! then i guess i'm guilty, send me to jail, cuz i told the truth, i should be shot! well guess what? too bad! you can KMA for all i care...


sorry anyone else reading this. i like to vent, and people just cant take the pressure like a keyboard can.


xfriend reminds me of a shinedown song (yer majesty):
so you wanted to be free from everything you done to me
and you wanted to be known so you wouldnt feel so alone
and you wanted to believe that you still had integrity
and i'm sorry you're on your knees
but you cant blame me yer majesty

wow. speaks volumes.

if you are reading this, i dont need to say your name. you know who you are. and i dont doubt that, even now, you are trying to find my site. you might have already found it. i dont care. but yeah i wont say your name...thats the only respect you deserve.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15406202/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15406202/ Wed, 07 Nov 2007 13:04:48 PST
a lot of the drama has blown over...bout frickin time...but i'm laughing on the inside cuz a bunch of my friends came out and told me how they really never liked that certain someone anyway so i was happy that i had real friends to back me up.

although now its getting weird cuz she talks to me like she is all nice in front of others...like nothing ever changed, but it's different when others arent really around. i hate hypocrisy like that...

listen to me complaining. ach i must stop for a moment and be happy...

i have a lovely bunch of coconuts a dee a dee there they are a standing in a row...

right now i'm not sure what to do about some of the things right now...i'll think about it and update this later...

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15229953/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15229953/ Fri, 26 Oct 2007 13:40:08 PDT
every year, usually several times, at least one of my friends decides that i'm not worth it and so they start to lie to my other friends until i'm once again alone. then they dis me and try to hurt me. well it happened again. one of my friends is sick with several different diseases, and it makes her sick a lot of the time. she got angry at something i said. (oen of our friends said jokingly you complain to much and i said ya you do) she stormed out of the room and refused to talk to me. what she didnt get was i was having one of the worst days. i had spent most of the night locked in my bathroom, afraid to come out, and then i had to threaten people with knives so they would keep away from me. i was terrified and cried myself to sleep on and off for hours until around four in the morning, when i finally got some real sleep, but was awoken to go to school around seven. i was tired and hurt and all she said was that someone else had a bad day, that it was no big deal, and that it would all be fine, all i needed to be was happy cuz i was over-reacting. she wasnt there! she's never had to go through something like that! then she started on how she felt nauseous cuz of her feeding tube and how her life sucked so bad. i sat there an entire period, terrified of going home, and all she could think about was how life was so unfair to her and how fine i was if i just brightened up and was happy like her. so of course i agreed...i wanted, in some way, to strike back and say something that would actually sink in. plus, at the time, it was one hundred percent true. sure, everyone has the right to complain, cuz everyone deals with things different and such. doesnt mean that you disregard someone like that.

she got all of her friends to be rude to me all day. i just ignored them and tried to get through with my head held high. but her and some of her friends kept saying i was being childish and immature and playing stupid games. then she siad that i was stealing all her friends, which didnt make sense to me cuz i was more alone than she was at that point.

later i called her best friend, who was my friend before all of this, well i txted her not called, and we talked it through, being honest and up front and we were able to work it out. i decided to try and call the girl and work it out cuz i still wanted to be her friend. i told her that the group babies and spoils her, which is true, cuz we dont want to hurt her and all. which we never should have done, because now its something she basically expects (even if she doesnt know it), as mean as that sounds, its true. we were starting to work it out then her mom came into the room and started yelling so i could hear, and she repeated everything her mom said, contradicting everything she had just told me. she said before that it was a good thing i called and tryed to get it all up front, and then when her mom came in she said it was stupid for me to call and it was only cuz i wanted to hurt her and make her even more sick. i was getting sick listening to it.

she used me a lot. she had me take pics of her, and we always had to go to her house or do what she wanted to do. and i was never 'allowed' to say anything that might upset her...and if i did she would say i was so mean, rude, obnoxious, annoying, stupid, all that stuff. i mean, she always made sure to tell me when i did something wrong and when she had a bad day it was o hso ok for her to be rude to me, and to hurt my feelings all she wanted. and i was never to say anything against it.

i am always having to deal with everyone elses problems, and its wearing on me a lot, because its like no matter how hard i yell, no one gives a damn. then i called my other friend, one who never liked this girl in the first place, and she said it like this...when that girl is at the hospital, everyone misses her but everyone is happy. then when she gets here, everyone gets upset. and other people agree. her friends agree.

i still want to be her friend and try to be there for her but she refuses to listen. i am now friends with some of those people again that wee all mad with me, and right now its basically just her and her family that are mad at me.

she also told me, not asked, told me to delete any pics i took of her from my computer, myspace, and deviantart. i told her if she would do the same, i would consider it.

if she finds this and reads it, oh well. i tried my hardest to become her friend and keep her happy but if she is just goi8ng to misuse me and walk all over me, i'm sorry, i'm not going to stand for it, and i'm not going to apologize. i did nothing wrong.

its also like another friend stated...she has had to deal with this reality all her life, so she tries to make the world around her less harsh and easier seemin... ]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15127734/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15127734/ Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:10:23 PDT
i love halloween, obviously. i celebrate the three traditional days of halloween not just the 31st. all my friends want to trick or treat. the question is what do i go as?

i was thinking either a gypsy/pirate mix, or ya something like that.

I"M EXCITED!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15073215/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/15073215/ Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:03:15 PDT
k, my friend who hosted the part (i call her crazy pink, cp for short), she invited a bunch of people. six showed up. three of which happened to be guys who were complete jerks. we all started to throw paint-water at each other for a game, and one of them dumped and entire container full of it on me. it got worse from there. this guy would not leave me alone! he threw rocks at me, tried to soak my extra clothes, phone, and camera, then his friend took a water ballon and hucked it at my chest...ya lets just say OUCH! he constantly harrassed me to the point of madness, and i was getting seriously pissed. he knew i didnt want to fight. but i ended up screaming and swearing at him. his friends left ten minutes later. i think its cuz they had finally grown a brain and realized how pist off i was. he refused to leave. then an ex-friend of mine said that i had ruined the party and scared the guys off. she was all complaining like i want to go home, or leave with the guys, this party is lame now, i'm leaving, wahh wahh wahh. i nearly ripped her throat out!

thank god cp was there. she calmed me down and was the only person on my side. everyone was crying that i had ruined the party by getting mad. i had every right to be mad! they tried to ruin my stuff, physically harrassed me, and pushed all of my buttons. but no one except cp cared that they were doing that. so when i get mad, i get in trouble.

he decided to stay a bit longer...whenever cp left the room he'd be all "i though you were leaving" and dising on me and shit.

god i'm gonna kill that kid! i hate him sooo bad its not even expressable.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14997830/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14997830/ Thu, 11 Oct 2007 13:13:53 PDT
ok i'm gonna start using this as my main journal since my other blog was cut off cuz of my stupid friend.

last night i took some awesome pics of one of my friends (my main model) and it was at this old shack i have been dying to take pics of forever. we ahd a lot of fun cuz it was her mom's birthday. when we got back we went on myspace for a bit and was IMing lots of people when she put my photo on it and set me up. it was crazy i got a bunch of pervs IM her back and then two decent guys. the one i started to talk about sports with so it was fun and all and the other guy was in a wheelchair at the hospital, so we felt sorry for him and all. i think my friend is gonna be great friends with him.

k theres this weird guy that i've known all my life and he used to come to my house all the time cuz our parents expected us to be friends. the sad thing was i used to kick him around a lot, i mean really hurt him bad. but it never really deterred him. he'd just cry then move on and never really get mad at me. but i hated his guts. i knew he liked me for years too, and idk, i never liked him but it didnt really bug me. until last year. but ya last night he was being stupid and showing off on an atv and he crashed, basically fucking up his face. everyone says he is up north getting plastic surgery. i laughed but i feel bad cuz he's never really been mean to me, the other way around, and i should be nicer. but idk...i dont like him even as a friend but still i should be nicer.

anyways...

faith has disappeared off of my radar, and i dont really know what she has been doin. to be honest i dont really care. is that evil or what? i mean, i'm usually the only one who does care, but right now i just cant muster the energy. i'm tired of being everyone's therapist. ARGH!

i am going to my best friends big sleepover for her birthday this friday...she's inviting some guys but i'm sure they will be lame so that will suck...i just hope i dont get into a fight this year. but idk...i guess i'll try to do what i'm told. that reminds me of a poem i wrote a while back...

"...but i dont know, i'll do what i'm told, eyes burning scars in my back..." (little exerpt there hee hee)

ok, i dont hate most teachers, in fact i used to want to be one, but thee are some teachers here that i simply cannot stand! theres Greider, a fat balding pathetic old man who is so set on impressing the football players in class and gaining the popularity he never had in high school that he doesnt have time to teach...instead he made a bunch of stupid slideshows a few years back and he reads them in front of the class then gives us a quiz. thats his great class, his excellent teaching skills. grr that makes me so mad.

this other teacher, in charge of my computer tech class, is a HUUGE BITCH. she takes up half of the room (i am seriously not joking, honest to god) and she loves to hear herself talk all professional, or at least she thinks thats what it is. she also happens to be around sizty with short hair that is common among old people, and her glasses help her face in this case cuz it can sometimes hide the triple bags under her eyes. i'm sure its not her fault that she's ugly...but it is her fault that she's rude and evil and GRR!

sometimes its hard to control my temper...good thing i have this to vent on or heads would roll, like last year.

last year i got in a huge fight with the PE teacher that never grew up and in fact i'm still locked in a legal battle with him. but i can tell you right now that i am going to win. period dot. i refuse to lose, and he wants me to back down, but again i refuse.

anyways...i have a lot more to say but it's just bringing up the past so i will control and stop.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14985643/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14985643/ Tue, 09 Oct 2007 13:30:04 PDT
but onto other matter's...

the girl in the one picture of me and her is really really sick. she has systic fibrosis and other stuff, and she hasnt shown up to school in a while. i've been worried about her, but there's not a whole lot i can do. but the part that is bugging me is this. i told her exactly what her boyfriend was going to do...she made her decision. now they are broken up and it happened how i said it might. idk what to do to help her out right now, but i will think of something.

grr i hate my science teacher. he pisses me off soooo bad. grrrrrrrr......

it's been two of my friends birthdays so far. i need to finish their presents. i wonder if anyone is going to remember my birthday? hmmm... anyways i'm bored but too bad.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14882912/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14882912/ Tue, 02 Oct 2007 09:55:13 PDT
K, something VERY BIG has happened.

k, i had a dream...i'm not sure if i should call it a dream but thats what i call it. cuz my friend was dating this guy, and he was cool and all. i was friends with him. but i had this dream that he had her cornered, and she was screaming, and he raped her. i wasnt sure if he killed her too but i was afraid cuz as dumb as it sounds, sometimes when i have dreams they happen in real life. so of course i started freaking out.

i talked to her, and she agreed that he might do that cuz apparantly a few days before my dream they started making out, and she had to leave cuz she was late, but he refused to let her go, and he wouldnt let go of her for well over an hour til she begged him to let go of her. i had no clue and i was really starting to freak out at that point. so we discussed it with him and some adults and eventually all contact was basically broken. and he hated her for not loving him and wanting him anymore.

so he meets faith. i know, i know, i bet whoever is reading this is rolling their eyes already. but they met at a rodeo, then forgot each other, and then i reintroduced them. they started going out. i wasnt too worried cuz i thought we had helped him through most of the problems he was having at that point, but apparantly i was wrong. she is really into any kind of sex especially agressive and domination like sex, so i though they kinda deserved each other and that eventually they would hurt each other then move on.

but. this weekend, she got alcohol poisoning with a percentage of apparantly 2.66 or something like that. i heard from someone that was with her that she got drunk and passed out, but i heard from someone else who was with her that they found her passed out and half naked on the neighbors lawn, and that she had been raped.

i feel so guilty.

if i had followed through after the kori thing, none of that would have happened. i knew that there was something wrong with him...if he did rape her i'm gonna kill him...even though in a way she asked for it. i'm gonna try to get her into intervention or something like that...

god i feel so guilty.

when i went clean, i offered her to try with me, but i was so angry at her and hurt by her that i didnt really mean it, and now she is on the verge of dying and i could have stopped it...god none of these people should talk to me i just end up killing people...

but i will kill him if he really did...he is more than dead. i could sue him. he sent me a pic of his dick and he's 18! i have original txts of him asking me to take pics of girls getting dressed for gym, or try to take some pics of kori naked. he asked me that and i have the originals txts! i could label him like no other!

but i wont...i'm not that evil...still i could...hmmm...

but anyways, i dont know what to do right now. i have learned how to turn the dream thing off, so i keep it off cuz i dont want it and i'm tired of it happening, but if i had it on maybe i would have known...i could have stopped this, saved her...

god this is so not even funny right now...i can find no happy thing to say...

if it turns out to be a lie, i'll kill the people who told me that. either way, someone is going down...someone is going to pay.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14786827/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14786827/ Tue, 25 Sep 2007 13:38:57 PDT
but on another note...

two of my friends got angry at me a week or so ago. they said i was being immature, acting like a child. then we got into a small fight and they both wouldnt speak to me. i didnt know what i had done to make them angry...so i suspected that the one was only getting mad cuz she was stressed and this was somethng to channel her frustration into. i waited, acting like nothing was wrong. the other came back after maybe a day or so, and it felt like there was nothing wrong. just today my other friend did too, saying that we could be friends again and all.

it was kind of psychadelic in a way, cuz this stuff happens all the time with different friends of mine. one of my best friends says i need to stop trusting people and be more bitchy. like i'm not that already...i'm the biggest bitch of em all when you get down to it. but i get where she is coming from in a way...

so as far as i am concerned, they are my friends again. but when this DOES happen again, i will have to be ready and will have to deal with it subtly.

ha ha like i could ever be subtle!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14770792/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14770792/ Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:51:12 PDT
sorry having a moment here....

faith is really getting on my friends nerves. most of them cant stand her at all and its really stupid that i am the only one in my group who likes her even a little bit. one of my other friends is going to attack her if she dares to sit with me agian, and there's not a whole lot i can do about it. part of me is sad to see it happen...part of me wishes it would happen sooner...i dont know what to do but i guess i can hope for the best at this point.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14728337/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14728337/ Fri, 21 Sep 2007 12:46:15 PDT
that girl that came back...hmm...i should give her a name, although not her real name, but a name she would recognize if she read it, but no one else would recognize it.

faith. she loves that name.

ok, faith is really pissing everyone on my table off. one of my other friends decided that she was going to kick her off our table and forbid her talking to the younger and more susceptible members of our group, but she wasnt here today. the group has really been pushing for me to do it, but i dont want to cuz i want to keep things a little bit peaceful and all. but she said she would do it and i wont really have to worry about it unless she calls on me to back her up and all, cuz there may be a fight in all reality.

but on a better note i am going to upload a bunch of these stupid little things as my pics, cuz i like to take things from shirts and design basic sticker kind of things that are clean enough for almost any age (except some swear words) and that look ok emough that both emo and prep, loser and jock would be ok with them. but i have to get my flashie working and my teacher has to know nothing! lol

if anybody is actually reading this, wow, you must be bored. if not, i'm good with that. but people love reading my life as far as i know from other sites cuz it's so full of drama. everyone also thinks i'm this little prep, and i promise you here and now, i'm not a prep.

but i'm not a pessimist either. i'm just slightly optimistically challenged!

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14701166/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14701166/ Wed, 19 Sep 2007 13:10:52 PDT
but ya she wants me to smoke weed with her and inhale dust cleaner. i am not so opposed to dust cleaner, but i promised i'd stay away from weed.

none of my friends are working with me here and i am just getting so fed up with everything...

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14673842/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14673842/ Mon, 17 Sep 2007 13:24:37 PDT
dude...this is so hard for me right now...seeing as no one will probably ever read this, i might as well spill. last year three of my friends sexually abused me. one of them did it for about six months. and no one gave a damn. i reported it to the police, and no one did anything about it. she is still out there hurting people...

but she moved away. the other two broke all connections with me and went to different schools. but one of them has come back, the skeleton in my closet to haunt me forever. she isnt in any classes of mine that i know of...yet. i'm so scared. i'm scared she will steal all of my friends, turn them against me, and misuse me again... and there's no way i can tell my friends that...because i am the tough one, the one that takes care of other peoples problems, the one that is always happy.

but in the end... no one gives a damn.

]]> ~jm081 http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14628159/ http://jm081.deviantart.com/journal/14628159/ Fri, 14 Sep 2007 08:50:33 PDT
if anybody has a comment on how manatees are emo, how little towns suck ass and rock hard wenis, or they just want to shit around with someone who will make you laugh, or feel some other mutual thing, then okey dokey mother fuckey.

]]> ~jm081