deviantART: by:joysoftruth

*ArtScene

*featureART

#Insomniape

#DigitalJunkies

#Seniors

#dATribes

#Mordor

I think, therefore I write. I write because I have no other way to openly and accurately express myself, nor anyone to express myself to. The only ones who understand are part of the cycle, leaving me in lone support of an empty hope.

When I start thinking about things, I tend to think until my head hurts so badly I vomit, or I become so weary I pass out. Because of this, my only therapy is writing. I write small letters to no one; typically they end up in a journal that's lying beneath my bed, and is put through the shredder the next day because I was smart enough to not impulsively announce my feelings online.

Here I am: hypocrisy in my fullest. I'm a fucking idiot; I'll be the first to admit it. I so adamantly refuse to admit that I could ever be a certain type of person all the time, and yet I fall into traps that I set myself up for repeatedly. One such trap is trying to forgive someone for stealing money from me via credit card, leaving pornography in the possession of my parents, defiling their guest linens, and being the utter bane of my existence throughout half of highschool by doing nothing but having that "Eddy" approach with all his friends. He's with me, all his other friends are dumbfucks. I'm the only normal one. He's with another, and it's the same for them. I'm the dumbfuck. He doesn't even ask for an apology or even admit that he's in the wrong, and I want to forgive him anyway. I feel bad because he acted upset about something he'd completely fabricated.

I'm the dumbfuck. Wake up, Steven. WAKE THE FUCK UP. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN. Your feelings are being abused, and you're falling into the same social bottomless pit you happen across every god damned day. You assume the worst, hope for the best, and during the battering of emotions, you remain cynical, rightfully-fucking-so. But when the fist is lifted and rests, you jump into your overly-optimistic, unrealistic idiot self, and you run embracing what has become your pathetic masochistic comfort zone. Seriously, wake the fuck up. You have hope elsewhere, and it's not slapping you in the face every five minutes for being you, or just for existing. The details are vague, but it's worth pursuing. I hope.

An utmost desire to SEE hope was thrust into my lap a couple weeks ago. I finally let go of the past, but now I have no future to move on to, so I've become a drone. I'm going through the motions, falling for traps left and right, smiling back at the face that just said, "Fuck you," and spat on me, and pretending that my role in life is to pretend I'm a salesman. Selling what? I don't know. My soul to the devil for ten seconds' sanity, perhaps. That seems like something worth fighting for in this day and age.

Sanity. Either I'm insanely angry, or insanely out of my mind with 'appreciation'. I can't find the middle-ground. Allegedly, love is mutual, but I'm beginning to think otherwise. Some will be blind to one's true desires all their lives though the love is smothering them. A few of them because they refuse to see it for whatever reason. That's called 'spitting in their face.' The worst part is the term 'unconditional.' That part's a bitch. I don't think I've ever said it, but I meant what I haven't said.

My heart is fickle, both physically and 'mentally.' I have a problem making decisions or truly reading people's intents; I always have. This is an issue people often try to label with Asperger's or some other title that people try to give me to feel self-important, seein... ]]> ~joysoftruth Note To Self: http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24522387/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24522387/ Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:57:41 PDT

*ArtScene

*featureART

#Insomniape

#DigitalJunkies

#Seniors

#dATribes

#Mordor

Self,

Stop drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. You're having surgery on the 6th! Remember, this is the second surgery you're having on the same spot simply because your skin doesn't like to heal, and cysts like to grow there. Smoking and drinking definitely won't help that, yo.

Sincerely,
Alter Ego

P.S.: Keep advertising the Dr. Evil Project and reminding people that submissions need to be 320x240, landscape (not portrait), submitted to the user's scraps section of their gallery, and noted to you with a direct link with the title of the note having, "Dr. Evil Project" in it. Without the community's help on this, this project isn't going anywhere!

P.P.S.: ~~Finish cleaning your room!~~ Done!

]]> ~joysoftruth Remember The Thinking Man Project? http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24428874/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24428874/ Sat, 25 Apr 2009 13:57:10 PDT

*ArtScene

*featureART

#Insomniape

#DigitalJunkies

#Seniors

#dATribes

#Mordor

How about a v2?! Dudes. By recommendation of `Beccalicious, I'm starting a new project called, "The Dr. Evil Project". Submissions are open! HOWEVER, please keep in mind that I'm a poor fool with no more photo-editing software, so all I have is MS Paint! Submissions need to be 320x240, PLEASE DON'T VARY!, in the LANDSCAPE format and be submitted to me by posting the photograph in your Scraps section of your gallery and noting me a link with the note topic being, "Dr. Evil Project". If you do not label the note properly, I might skip over it. Also, using previously submitted content is discouraged.

If anyone remembers Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers saga, you'll remember his indescribably hilarious pose.

I want YOU to recreate this pose on webcam, on camera or however you can visually capture the awesomeness of this pose and submit it to me. A closing date and submission amount is not yet determined, so have at!

Look for an article soon to

!

~~Also, if anyone would like to fix my CSS so that things are lined up how they should be, and used to be, I'll give you a big hug.~~

Fixed!

]]> ~joysoftruth HAPPY! http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24317089/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24317089/ Sat, 18 Apr 2009 23:20:58 PDT
There's a reason your name rhymes with 'win'.

<3333333

P.S. We didn't pop my back.

]]> ~joysoftruth Cha Ching! http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24278313/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24278313/ Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:22:52 PDT
Con: My laptop died. It ate its second hard drive, apparently from the fan being so dirty and my lack of desire to clean it to allow it to actually do what it's supposed to do.
Con: My brand spankin' new DVD player/5.1 Sound system decided to break. I've never so much as looked at it wrong; I've only had it for a month, maybe a tad bit longer. I watched a movie last night, turned it off and fell asleep, woke up, turned it on to play Guitar Hero and BAM. It locks up. Won't open, won't turn off... none of the functions worked, and I couldn't even get the disc out.
Con: I thought things would get better when I got this job. Yes, the job is fun, but living at home is more hellacious than ever. I just want to defenstrate a very large, inanimate object in my apparent rage.
Con: I've had to commit to things that will cause me to be paying bills I can barely afford for the next year and a half, maybe longer.
Con: I have to have surgery AGAIN! Yay. Same spot. May 6th.

Pro: My laptop died, and I needed a computer. Yay, brand spankin' new computer! It's uhmaaaaaazing!
Pro: I couldn't afford a new monitor, but HOO RAH! I already had a 12' monitor cable for my TV, and the aspect ratio of the TV is perfect for my new computer. So happy!
Pro: I've made a really good friend through work. Good friends are hard to come by, eh?
Pro: Today sucked. Horribly. But, I got a text message from an awesome someone that absolutely made my day. I'm at the other end of the emotional spectrum now!
Pro: My DVD player/5.1 Sound system decided to start working again! So, now I have the DVD back, and I'm still going to wait for the new unit to replace this one, as it's untrustworthy now. Silly DVD player.
Pro: I'm hungry, and we actually have food in the house. BBL!

]]> ~joysoftruth Ain't That a Bitch? http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24260826/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24260826/ Wed, 15 Apr 2009 17:05:20 PDT
Allow me to express my anger. FUCK RFUCK FUCKF UCKF AO

HI VHD}P
J sdjhg' kzSCGIP
vhj sdfigp
aisvnh
iph
SIP Hg'hwr
GH
vhjyu
er hjgabi9- yw489-
gyz
h{Pdvh p
i ahSPGj
WEJG
PAI

...fuck. I feel a bit better. Now I just need to find a reasonably priced computer with Vista. Is that plausible? As much as I'll miss this place (

), I hate my parents' computer even more so. Thus, I'll see y'all 'round.

]]> ~joysoftruth Alas http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24043654/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/24043654/ Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:08:44 PDT
I cry for help because I need the meaning behind the words spoken, not for hollow whisperings and false sympathies. Fuck the politicians whose empty words flood our streets with iniquities and folly with poor intentions and erroneous sympathies. Fuck the followers whose power-crazed actions and foolhardy methods leave others in despair. Freedom was a tool gifted for the purpose of building a constructive society. Encroaching that freedom should, in turn, have your freedoms abolished. My right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is God-given, and I'll be damned if another self-centered asshole whose misfortune led them to believe in a prior recognition is going to take that away from me.

For those of you who don't know me, I know half of you want to label this call-out as some 'emo' statement pent up from my frustration with some minor recent event, but you would be mistaken. For those of you who do know me, perhaps only two truly understand where I'm coming from. As such, an explanation is due to all others.

I suck at communication. I always have. I've always been a target because of it, and have never been able to experience my freedom the way others so graciously shove theirs in my face. I've only ever found one way to accurately express myself, and that was through a short-lived romance, but by cornering myself in this shred of a comfort zone, all was lost. I waded into the shallows of a possibly misguided capitalization, but it's led me to chasing cars and learning less about myself, preventing any advance in safe methods and personal successes. The only thing I've learned thus far is that conformity, in my mind, is a sin: teaching methods, personal expression of self in a society, the false ambitions of youth bent on some form of domination... it's all bullshit formed around selfish acts which does nothing constructive for life. Every community I've considered myself a part of, or have observed, has transformed into a cult, lacking diversity or the allowance, respect or accommodation for diversified emotion.

If I say I like a certain style of music that's out of the norm, don't tell me I'm wrong as if it were a multiple-choice question. It's a personal fucking opinion. If I choose to rant in some form that seems mildly displeasing to you, oh well. I'm not forcing you to read my rant. It's in this form because I'm yelling to a crowd. I never called your name. I need a critic, not a cynic. If I say something is incredibly difficult, don't tell me I'm pulling the 'woe is me' card. Don't tell me that you found it easy, thus, it must be easy for me, too. If you say that, fuck you. I will forcibly shove my fist into your throat and tear your fucking vocal cords out. 'To each their own,' is more than a memorable quote used in sympathetic times and confusion. Misunderstanding 'to each their own,' is misunderstanding human emotion and independence, or even more simply put: misunderstanding diversity. Society. How many other words can I put here so you can understand me?

There are things I don't like doing because my mind becomes so clouded with anger from people misunderstanding me, that I'll aggressively deny any chance to participate. Using persuasion here, at first, can be acceptable, though it is indeed proving that I've been misunderstood. But when I've explained myself and you continue to attempt to persuade me, all you're doing is pissing me the hell off. Communities with this attitude are indescribably hopeless and superfluous. Those who encourage these societies are the ones who truly deserve damnation.

One last thing is science. I have bad luck in practically every area of my life. I don't believe in luck. I don't believe in the supernatural. I believe that God works through the natural to produce seemingly supernatural effects. The bumblebee is just Him showing off. I hate misunderstanding things for myself, and as such, become more frustrated than anything when I come across something that can't be explained. For instance, why was I the target in grade school? Using a scientific method, the only explanation I can come up with is something like this: I shake. I tremble. Not from fear, but because my body was created like this. Thank you, family. As such, I'm a naturally nervous person, and stumble over a lot of things giving the illusion of being careless, or even clumsy. This goes even further with my... ]]> ~joysoftruth I'm Raising Hell http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/22475417/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/22475417/ Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:51:55 PST Hell. Be sure to stop by ~HellChat's page and check up on the rules.

]]> ~joysoftruth This is a Creative Journal Title... http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/22377449/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/22377449/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:59:37 PST
Firstly, let me ask a question. Does anyone have an old T-Mobile cell phone, such as a Motorola Razor, that they don't need and would be willing to mail me? My cell phone has started dropping calls left and right, and with everything that's going on, there's no way I could get a new one in the next year.

Now, for the things that're going on. On December 17th, I had surgery. Had a cyst removed. My back STILL hurts like hell (hah, I'm clever). Oh well. My mother had knee surgery for the third time on the 29th, and she's still recovering from that. On the same day, my uncle was rushed to ER.

I can't really confide too many details so publicly, but I will state that he's been in almost every kind of care unit in the entire hospital, and is in ICU right now. I've really had no sleep for the past three days, so I'm gonna take my sleeping meds tonight and absolutely crash. Prayers for his immediate family are appreciated.

Lastly, I've discovered how corrupt a certain someone who I used to perform certain tasks for to grow a certain community has been. I'm absolutely disgusted and didn't know that a person could go to such lengths for such, well, selfish cruelty. As such, my guard is back up.

Anyway, it's been a good long while since I've heard from a lot of you guys. Update me!

]]> ~joysoftruth New Equation http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/22189176/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/22189176/ Thu, 25 Dec 2008 11:33:22 PST That's the most art-related encouragement I've had in years.

I'll give it another go, eh?

]]> ~joysoftruth No Emotion, Just Math http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/20383111/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/20383111/ Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:18:41 PDT

]]> ~joysoftruth Simma Down http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/20083307/ http://joysoftruth.deviantart.com/journal/20083307/ Thu, 21 Aug 2008 18:06:31 PDT