http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:jrennie1984&section=today deviantART RSS for by:jrennie1984 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:57:43 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27165123/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27165123/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 07:49:21 PDT start afreash taking only the art i like the most with a new name and a new purpose

partly i am moving because there is someone who i know in real life, an EX, who has this link who I would rather not know what I am writing or saying or doing with my life, and i have refrained from writing anything about him here out of respect but feel the time has come i speak and say,

stop acting like a stawker
leave me alone

lol

actually not lol becuase it's becoming scary now. There have been threats to Chris, threats to the other guy I have been seeing recently, and frankly I've just had enough i tried to be nice and i tried to be friends but it doesn't work because some people are just deluded.

so in the next day or 2 i will be sending out a new link to all my watchers so that you can carry on following my art on my new account and i would really apreciate everyone moving over with me and continuing to support my art.

I am trying to be hopeful that this jornal entry won't open up a torrent of abuse,

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27082895/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27082895/ Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:35:35 PDT after spur of moment asking to spend the day with me,
after having a nice time, telling me he really liked me, being really attentive and affectionate he got back to mine and we eventually talked about the giant elephant sitting in the room and he ended it, because aparently he just can't deal with me being poly, which is fair enough, and i did know this was coming so really i can't blame him for the fact that im hurt now because i sort of set myself up for a fall and he is a friend so i don't hate him and i don't have anything bad to say about him im just dispapointed and hurt because i did like him a lot.

It is sort of a relief, because it wasn't nice sitting in limbo feeling like i was just about to get dumped, and at least now its happend its over and done with and im not waiting on it anymore,

but honestly i just feel so drained now, emotionally and mentally drained. I feel like everythings been happening all at once one thing after another and im tierd. I would really apreciate a nice break from real life at this particular moment,

except i can't, i can't even just take a break from emotional stuff now its over because i need to deal with something else now,
dispite feeling like i was going to start bleeding, i haven't and now im starting to feel sick again, just like before, and its a familiar feeling and iv ignored it for a couple of days but its getting worse everyday. I don't want to take a test to see if I am pregnant again because if im not and im just going slightly mad thinking i am then thats going to make me feel shit, and if i actually am then the idea of that is terrifying because i can't go through losing another baby and im not sure i even want to know if i am because i can't deal with that fear. Did I mention i just want a break from real life!!!

I didn't expect i would be able to fall pregnant again so soon, so even though we did nothing to prevent this, if my feeling is right and im already knocked up then its come as a bit of a shock, its been 6 weeks since we lost Samson and i haven't even had a proper period inbetween. I thought people where joking when they said that id be more fertile after a miscarrige,

i will take a test prob in a few days, maybe im just feeling sick for some other reason,

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27040588/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27040588/ Sat, 05 Sep 2009 18:09:33 PDT
im calmer, (ish)

i have what it think is the start of PMS and this will be the first proper PMS since i was pregnant so im buidling up to one hell of a meltdown i think, ethier that or im gonna kill someone and hopefully someone with a cock
It depresses me to think im going to bleed soon because i can feel that I am, and that means im not pregnant again and i feel like i should be pregnant still i should be over 5 months thinking about all sorts of things and not stresing about my period or some random guy!!

Because my love life would be BORING if i where still pregnant, i didn't care about sex or anything really except my baby,

I was harsh last night
but i don't like this uncertianty around this particular relationship, im getting mixed signals,

he says, he wants to give being poly a try, that he likes me, and when he is with me we have a really good time he is very attentive and caring and sweet

but there is still that uncertianty because we are only giving it a try and i feel like at any given moment im going to get dumped, and how can i build on whats developing because im so very aware that if i start to like him anymore than i do now that when he does dump me il be even more hurt than i would be if i don't let myself get more involved.

I don't want a really serious relationship, i just want someone that can handle being poly and who wants to date longer tern and see where that leads. I think im kind of an easy girlfriend, i don't demand they see me every night, give up there hobbies for me, they are even allowed to see other people thats not exactly a bad deal!

I just want him to turn around and say, you know what i do like you i can handle your lifestyle im not a freaking sheep and i can go agaisnt the norm. Everything about him screams that he is more than capable of doing this, because he is hardly trying to fit in and it doesn't appear like he cares a lot about what people think, one of things that i like about him is that he is eccentric!

anyway i hate complicated
i hate uncertianty
i dont like feeling rejected,
actually i hate feeling rejected!

pouts

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27022696/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/27022696/ Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:51:17 PDT a certian someone is really starting to remind me of Max, and to hell if im putting myself through that again,

being keen one min and not the next

so fuck that for fun, i am taking a big big step back, i am not gonna be doing the chasing around, no fucking way, been there done that and never ever again,

he wants me he knows where i am he can try a bit harder because actually im worth some fucking effort.

sigh
i really can't be bothered with men right now

Connie

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26977738/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26977738/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:26:51 PDT
It’s been a whole month since he died, and yesterday we got the call to say that the postmortem results are back and we will find out if they can tell why so many things went wrong at the end of this month. We have been warned that we might never know why.

I don't feel as obsessed about getting pregnant again straight away. The initial desperation has gone and I'm back at a place where I feel at peace with the idea that it might take a long time.

On the 4th of September there is more court stuff that I am trying very hard to ignore. I don't need to be there so I don't see any reason to get myself into a state, it is on my mind but I think I’m handling it better than I have in the past. I'm trying to see this as the conclusion because there is a good chance that this is it, after these bastards get sent down there prob is nobody else unless some other girl comes forward to add names to the list.

I disappointed myself and cut 2 days ago. I'm trying to see that as a little slip up due to stress and move on from it quickly. If it beat myself up I feel the need to cut again and I get caught up in a cycle.

My love life is growing ever complicated by the day!!!
I decided I couldn't carry on as just fuck buddies or friends with benefits because it just doesn't work if one person has feelings and so I was upfront about that and told him that if he couldn't see any possibility for it developing into something more than that we should end it,
and we did end it
for about 10 mins, before deciding that actually there was a chance that this could be something more and we should try and see what happens.

So, he wants to get to know me better date me properly and see what happens,

fantastic right?

Sort off, the point is, I am pretty dam sure that yes I want something more with him and he isn't sure. I really hate that uncertainty. I hat him having that power, and the pessimist in me tells me that I’m gonna get dumped in a few weeks and end up hurt. I almost just said fuck this and ended it now but I seem incapable of doing that because there still a part of me saying but what if we give it a try and it works. He said that if this was monogamous then there be no issue at all it is simply the fact that he never saw himself do polyamoury and not that he’s found himself in this situation he needs to see if its something he wants to be involved in. So I don't really know what to do, except try and educate him on how we work our poly relationship try and put some of the usual fears to rest and hope that it’s enough. It’s hard to do that without feeling like I’m pressuring him. Or trying to convince him in anyway at the end of the day he has to decide for himself but I so want him to decide that this is something he can do!

I have had enough heartache lately; surely I’m due a little break from getting hurt!

I see this as such an amazing way to live. I love being poly, it opens up so many possibilities and opportunities but downside is that it also opens me up to getting hurt and it doesn't matter that I have Chris if I really like someone and they hurt me it hurts just as much as it would in monogamous situation.

The more time I spend with him the more I like him I guess I can only hope that the same thing is happening in his head! I guess if he does like me enough I will be worth the effort it takes to be poly,

Anyone who is poly got any advice about all this let me know,

anyway rant over for tonight
if u took time to read all this wow and thanks

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26910314/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26910314/ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:41:16 PDT I think that the 2nd date went well, but it was by far the strangest date I've ever been on,

It’s kind of hard to figure out what this guy wants from me. I don't think its just sex or at least he def doesn't act like he is only in my company to get laid. When I asked him he said that no it wasn't just about the sex, but I don't see what else it can be since I know that when I get pregnant again it prob ends and so since I'm actively trying I really can't get too attached or emotionally involved. It’s not really that easy for me to do that though, I’m shit at emotional detachment when it comes to intimacy. That’s prob because I can only want to sleep with someone if I really like them in the first place and I had a crush him for a really long time. Prob if people are wanting sex for sake of sex they prob should choose partners that they are attracted too but don't really like in any other way maybe I'll learn this for the future, but I’m not even sure I could sleep with someone I was only attracted to but nothing else. I’m a freak lol

People also often ask me if I introduce more than one other person to my life at a time, and the answer is no I don't. I just don't have the time to be interested in more than 2 people at once and in a sense I think that polyamory is different from just open relationship because it rarely is just about the sex. It’s never been the case for us that we are allowed to sleep with other people but we are not allowed anything else with them. We are always open the possibility of any 2nd relationships being longer term and in fact id say that Chris on his way to managing this because I know he been seeing his other girlfriend for a fair few months.

Anyway for now I’m enjoying having someone new to talk to that I have stuff in common with, and someone who actually keeps my interest in a conversation because I don't think the entire night I was bored listening to what he had to say and that’s got to be a good thing because normally I find people who talk a lot bore me to death lol. He is also pretty dam good in bed a lot better than I expected for a younger partner and a first time in fact I think it has to be one of the best first times with a new partner iv had. For me it’s more than just sex. So my experiment failed but the reason for me trying to stay 100 percent detached was because I didn't want to end up getting hurt. However I just realised that nobody can ever hurt me more than Max did and that didn't kill me.

so I’m not back to the paranoid stage off will he want to see me again, or will I get a text or msn msg saying it was nice when it lasted but...

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26861647/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26861647/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:24:42 PDT
and i was a good girl, i did not drag him home to bed, though i think i did sorta jump him in the middle of town.

but i sort of think maybe i don't just want the sex cos hes kind of sweet and makes me laugh,

we will see what happens, but OMG i am so frustrated tonight!!!!!

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26783664/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26783664/ Sun, 23 Aug 2009 20:18:54 PDT

I am going to try and have sex without (drum roll) getting myself emotionally attached!

yes i know i have said in the past that this is impossible for me, but i so badly need some distraction and fun and there is someone i really really want to fuck, and turns out they want to fuck me too! dunno if they like me in any other way other than a friend but i don't care, i want to just have sex and not get myself all messed up with feelings,

is that going to be possible
i don't know but maybe it will be fun trying, and it will give me something to focas on other than all the negative stuff thats happened,

so...
let the fun begin,

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26655686/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26655686/ Mon, 17 Aug 2009 17:36:11 PDT
iv been out, iv had friends over, I can even smile and laugh and carry on like I was before, sometimes I even think maybe I am ok, like forgetting for ten seconds or so that the past 5 months happened,

I've realised that when people ask me how I am, they don't really want to know how I am what they want me to say is that I'm doing ok, or that I'm coping or something along those lines so they feel like they have been polite and now they can talk about something else. Anyway obviously I am coping because there not much else I can do.

We had it confirmed by the hospital that the baby definitely was a boy, even though he had boy parts we had been told that sometimes babies that are lost can look like one sex and be another but it was def a boy like we expected and at least we where able to give him a name before his funeral,

We called him Samson,

I think the funeral was the worse thing I ever had to do; I think its prob the worse thing Chris has had to do,
It’s not fair that there are so many terrible people in this world, and our innocent baby had to die but perhaps I should have learned by now that life isn't fair.

I don't feel so numb anymore and actually numb was a lot easier to handle than feeling,
now my usual ways of coping start to appeal and those are never healthy,

if I start to cut, I think I won't stop and it might make me feel a little bit better short term, but in the long term its not going to help and it can't give me my baby back. BUT... It feel so good to cut, I don't know why but it would I know it would and I want to feel better now short term I want to feel a tiny little bit better why is that so bad! It’s a long time since I did this to myself, why do I want to do it again now I want to be normal so when I do get pregnant again I'm not messed up and covered in slash marks.

I won't cut because I want to get pregnant again and I cannot allow myself to be that messed up person and then believe that I deserve to be a Mum.

In the mean time, I am driving myself and Chris mad with the peeing on ovulation sticks, checking my cervix, taking a shit load of vitamins and herbs and trying to have sex as much as possible so I might have some chance of catching the next egg. I was at the point before the pregnancy where I had accepted that after 5 years of trying it wasn't going to happen for us without some serious help and maybe not at all. It made me sad but I was accepting it, and now I feel like all that acceptance is just gone and I just want to be pregnant again right now because its the only way I’m going to ever be able to feel ok again. I just really hope that now my body has got this far once, that it might somehow start to work properly and know what to do now.

I’m ranting,



Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26361096/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26361096/ Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:26:16 PDT how many times iv came close to things going really wrong, i really don't know how I am not a total mess, I could easily be one of those girls taking lots of drugs, still homeless, selling myself, getting involved with the wrong people and ethier being in and out of psych hospital or being in constant trouble with police,

I don't think people realise how easy it is for things to go wrong,
people walk past those people homeless begging on street and think how could that happen they must be really weak or there must be something wrong with them, or they see people who've had a breakdown or who have obvious mental health issues and think that could never happen to me when really its so easy for things to go wrong, to make a few wrong choices or have a few bad things happen that make you rock bottom, you just dont' know how easy it is until you get there,

Right now at this point in my life I feel like I could just let go of everything I've worked for. It has become really hard to care about anything anymore, to the extent when even brushing my teeth seems utterly pointless,

I feel like the grief that i feel for this baby is going to kill me, its the type of grief tht has you climbing the walls at night, howling your head off to the point where im sick and still finding no comfort at all, I've had lots of people I care about die, but I have never felt like this. I really don't know how to deal with it there are people telling me that its going to get better in time but right now it feels like i'll never be happy again.

I haven't hurt myself, i don't even want to hurt myself, cutting, taking pills, or anything like that seems pointless and in a way disrespectful.
i don't want anti-depresants, or anti-psychotics, or sleeping pills, i want to stay medication free,
i don't want therapy
i know chris thinks im losing the plot again, he keeps telling me to go speak to someone hes even suggested i go back on medication, because all i do is cry, but i think thats ok, why not cry if i feel i want too.

I don't think im really losing the plot, i think il be ok in the end because i choose to be ok in the end, i won't let myself lose a grip of reality and even if it feels like i want to die i won't die,

eventually i want to be healthy and stable so that when i get the chance to carry another baby il be able to do it, at the moment thats the only thing i can think about to make myself feel a tiny little bit better, that we will have another baby and maybe next time it won't take 5 years to make it happen, and maybe next time i won't have to give birth to it knowing its going to die as soon as its born.

maybe its wrong that i want to be pregnant again and iv only just lost a baby but i don't think its that uncommen to feel like this,
i feel like there is something missing and i want it back, i hate my belly being empty it feels like i was only half way through making something and i never got to finish it,

my milk is coming through, something i didn't expect because i was only 4 months but aparently its normal, i hate having the milk and not having a baby to feed,

anyway this is just a bit of a rant
tonight is first night that chris has gone out without me and being on my own is a bit overwhelming, i keep wanting to look at the pictures we have of the baby but they are too hard to look at just now, i know looking at them will only make me feel really low. I really hope one day i can look at them without crying.

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26303040/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26303040/ Fri, 31 Jul 2009 17:24:16 PDT
a perfectly formed just very tiny little baby who unfortunitly was too sick and too small to survive outside my womb.
we where able to see, touch and hold. We think it was a boy, small enough to fit in the palm of Chris hand.

The midewifes at hospital where amazing, really could not have coped without them.

Obviously this is prob the worse thing i can ever imagine happening, and want to thank everyone who sent us messages of support.

Right now i feel like i just want to curl up and die myself,

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26210250/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26210250/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:32:05 PDT
i actually saw a really nice doctor who was very helpful and for once frank, she said that i should prepare myself for worse since i have lost so much blood and she aranged for me to have a scan in morning to see where the bleeding was coming from,
she even wanted to keep me in but i really wanted to go home so i did go home and promised to phone in morning,

when i did phone in morning i got another doctor who told me that they wouldn't scan me because they have found a fetal heart beat the night before and that it was waste of time anyway because if im going to lose the baby there is nothing they can do to stop it happening anyway,

and so wait at home, and see what happens,

I am really very tierd of this, its been 2 weeks now of constant pain and worrying and nobody really has any idea at all why,
i think I will lose the baby, it is just inconcievable to me that i could be bleeding so much and be in as much pain and things be ok,

what im worried about now is how this is going to happen
a 16 week loss is not going to be the same as a ten week loss, its going to be like losing a real baby, something fully formed, maybe even breathing, and more like a labour,

and all i can do is sit in my house and wait



Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26165611/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26165611/ Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:07:19 PDT
1. I'm really scaird im not good enough for you.

2. I think you are the most arogant narrow minded uninspiring low life i have ever met.

3. What is it about me that makes you need to talk about me so much.

4. I still love you

5. I'm not sure I really want to be back in contact with you as you remind me of a time in my life that I really would rather forget even though its not your fault it just makes me uncomfortable to hear from you again after all these years.

6. Why don't you guys take me seriously and find out whats really wrong

7. I find you one of the most intresting people I've ever met and respect nearly everything that comes out your mouth it always makes sense.

8. I want to take you to bed

9. I don't know how i ever loved you or why I must have been out of my mind.

10. You are so vain you prob think most of these statements are about you.

9 things about myself:

1. I wanted to be pregnant for 5 years, now I am I hate it, i hate the fact im getting fat, i hate being sick all the time and i hate being always worried that something is wrong, i feel guilty for hating something that i wanted to bad.

2. I very rarley drink alcahol becuase i don't like the effect it has on me i hate being drunk i much prefer a night out when i am sober.

3. I would love to be able to make or customize my own clothes but i am rubbish at sewing.

4. I have a millian things i need to get down and since im on bed rest i can't really do any of them.

5. I hate cutting my toe nails.

6. I would love a pet giraff.

7. I hate mess but i seem to make lots.

8. If someone bores me or annoys me i can't pretend to enjoy there company.

9. I have been in a relationship for nearly 6 years.


8 ways to win my heart:

1. Be sensitive

2. have an open mind.

3. have empathy.

4. look after me.

5. be honest.

6. be mature.

7. be over 6ft.

8. don't ever be embaressed by my strangness.


7 things that cross my mind a lot:

1. at the moment i think a lot about what the fuck is going on with my body.

2. I think about all the things i should be doing when i am wasting time doing stuff like this instead

3. I think about how i come accross to other people

4. dying.

5. I think about food a lot and what i enjoy eating

6. sex

7. I think about people I care about and if they are unhappy


6 things I do before I fall asleep (in no particular order):

1. often bath

2. cuddle chris

3. maybe have sex

4. check emails, deviant art, chat on msn

5. hug my dogs

6. Daydream my way into actual dreaming.


5 places I want to visit:

1. Africa

2. Berlin

3. India

4. Irland

5. Norway


4 things I'm wearing right now:

1. grey pjama bottoms and a green vest top that make me look huge

2. red pants

3. black socks

4. That's really pretty much it


3 bands that I listen to often:

1. MSI

2. The Dresden Dolls

3. random bands i find on youtube


2 things I want to do before I die:

1. have my baby and be a good mum

2. have as many hugs from people i care about as possible


1 confession:

1. I am feeling sorry for myself right now.

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26047252/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26047252/ Sun, 19 Jul 2009 15:15:56 PDT
i spent another day at the hospital, and i am really starting to hate that place!! this is 3rd time this week,
i dunno how many people have had look and poke around my you know what,
and nobody seems to be able to really do anything at all to actually help make the problem stop, they just keep looking and checking and telling me to hope for the best and stay positive,

it was nice to hear the babys heart, im still shocked everytime they tell me its still alive because this really feels like how my last misscarige felt,

this time they sent me home again, with some painkillers that are stronger than the ones id even consider taking whilst not pregnant but are aparently pefectly safe, - still not sure if i am going to use them,
and they told me come back in a couple of days if im still in pain

it means i still can't go to work
and god knows how my boss is going to react cos iv been off sick so much since i found out with one thing or another he is going to think I am really taking the piss
and im coming to the end of my sick pay entitlment which basically means i am up shit creek without a paddle, i haven't even thought about how we are going to cope if im off much longer and have to live of statatury sick pay, because honestly i think we will be fucked.

i am thinking if i ever want another baby, il be seriously considering surogacy,

sorry moan over

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26011428/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/26011428/ Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:28:18 PDT last couple of days have been somewhat of a nightmare.

I woke up 5am the following morning after finally feeling like everythign was going to be ok and i was covered in blood, in agony and pretty much convinced that i must be losing the baby,

we got to hospital and i had a scan and was suprised to see babys heart still beating and it wriggeling about looking perfectly content dispite all the blood loss,

i on the other hadn was feeling extreemly ill with lots of pain, bleeeding,

after tests found out it is a kidney infection,
which can cause miscarrige
and so the cause of the bleeding,

i spent last couple of days on bed rest and im still feeling like crap, luckily the bleeding has calmed down significantly but until iv finished the treatment for this kidney infection and its def cleared nothing is certian, as im still cramping up like im about pop any min.

i feel like this pregnancy is a nightmare, all i do is worry, as soon as i stop worrying about one issue another one comes up, i just want to enjoy it, without being so ill, without bleeding and being scaird im just about to miscarry and without this awful kidney infection,

so again, more positive vibes
and i hope to god that this is the last trauma for a while cos im exhasted from worrying and not sure i can cope with much more

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25966320/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25966320/ Wed, 15 Jul 2009 14:40:32 PDT Had the repeat scan today and the baby emptied its bladder so we know that there is no problem and everything is looking normal and well,

wish that I hadn't had a week of worrying out of my mind now, but guess that’s just how it goes,
it’s also looking less alien like!! so yaaaa for that

[link]

[link]

So, apart from being sick, and worrying,
I watched a very interesting programme on TV, that got me thinking, it was about dogs, and the usual about how different breeds of dogs have done some terrible things, and should people be allowed to keep dogs such as Rotties, Pit bulls, etc
basically demonizing the dog,
and not really going into any detail about the owners. Yes I agree that a pit bull or rottie can do a huge amount of damage if it decides to attack, however so can a lot of other breeds, and in reality it really is about how you train them and bring them up!

I have a Staffordshire pit bull
and he is lovely!! he had a really shit start in life, was thrown against a wall when he was only a small puppy and beaten and treated like crap, so when we got him we had a lot of work to do, though he has never been aggressive he was difficult to train and he does have an attitude, however we worked very hard to train him so that he does not show aggression and so that he understands his place in the pack,

I see people looking in horror as I go to pass them in the street with my 2 dogs, and mainly its the little staffy they are looking at in fear, which kind of makes me sad and amused at same time, Doyle just wants to play with everyone as soon as he thinks someone is mad with him he runs away tail between his legs, he’s quick to submit and pretty much relies on us and the other dog we have to look out for him. Unfortunitly he really has know idea how terrifying he is to some people, and so when you come into my house he will try jump up on your lap for attention and pretty much won't leave anyone alone until hes been giving a hug and a clap, he really doensn't understand that some people just dont' like him and I think he believes that every human on the planet loves dogs.

[link]

I've even had people suggest that I give him up when the baby is born, when I tell them that’s not the plan they look shocked,
for one thing, I am not stupid enough to leave a baby or small child alone with any animal, because small children don't understand the boundaries and how to treat an animal with respect, and I am confident that I have enough control over both my dogs to know that I can contain any issues. I also made a commitment when i took on these animals to stick with them for life, not just get rid of them because my circumstances have changed,
i would turn down a job if it meant having to give up my dogs
and i would never in a millian years give them up no matter what the cost because they are living things not just something i can sell or give away,
i don't understand how some people can decide to give there pets up, because they want to move away, or because they have children and don't have the time anymore! When you take on an animal surley you should think long term and if anything is going to change that means you might not be able to care for it for its full life then why on earth take the dog in first place!!!

especially dogs, cats are more independant and prob don't give to much of a shit who there owner is lol but dogs get very attached and I know that if i just gave my dogs to someone else, no matter how wonderful the new owner might the dog wouldn't understand and would feel abandonned and in my opinion heart broken!

anyway as far as baby is concerned I'm actually I’m more worried about my cat because the dogs I can handle but the cat has a mind of its own and I haven't forgotten what happened to my hamster a few years ago!

so I will be keeping all my pets, and that includes Doyle no matter what breed he is, and it really makes me sad to see how these dogs are getting potrayed in the media, when really its the owners who train there dogs up to be aggresive that are the real problem!

[link]

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25778935/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25778935/ Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:38:09 PDT and the baby is def still there, its the right size, infact im a few days further on than i initially thought,
the heart is beating and its moving

the bad news is that the scanner said that she thinks that the bladder is slightly bigger than she expected, and wants me to go for another scan she also said something about it possibily being a cyst but she wouldn't give me any more info only that chances are it will resolve itself but she wants to get another scan sooner than 20 weeks just to make sure..

obviously i asked her lots of questions
what it could mean etc
she just wouldn't say infact she was a bit of an old witch and just kept saying that baby is too small at the moment and she can't see clearly but it could be fine by next scan and that i shouldn't worry,

i can't not worry
and google is NOT my friend! i should not look up possible pregnancy or fetal problems on google, EVER, because it just freaks me out,
but nothing is clear and it could just be the case that the baby hadn't peed in a while - i didn't even know 12 week fetus could pee, but aparently they do,
the fluid round baby is good and everything else is fine, il get a phone call tomorrow or day after to tell me appointment for repeat scan and i hope its soon becasue i really really don't want weeks of worry

so please send positive vibes, because now im going out of my mind with worry, im terrified this will turn out to be something serious and il have a late miscarrige or the heart will just stop beating

and some pictures though they are not the best ultrasound pictures iv ever seen because it had its arms all tucked in and then it turned around and wouldn't face the right way again
[link]

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25736082/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25736082/ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 13:36:21 PDT mainly Chris tells me what he hears, because I've not been feeling up to going out that much and mostly its just silly chit chat, who is sleeping with who, etc but something that I heard yesterday really made me feel disgusted,

without going into to much detial,
a friends party, lots of people invited, not someone i have a really close friendship but someone i always liked and would really never consider saying anything negative about,

and i hear that people are finding the need to say a LOT of negative things about her,
that they don't like her - (fair enough) but there reasons why just completly floored me
because shes slept with a lot of men WTF and since when did that become any of there busness!!!!! and i can't say that in my time i have ever judged someone personally on the number of men I (think) they might have slept with and frankly i don't care anyway,

there where some really nasty comments, enough to shock Chris which isn't easy,

even more disgusting is this

those people who said some of those things have been friendly to her face, have chatted with her, joked with her, and pretended to like her, and its only behind her back that these comments are made,
frankly i find that lowest of low, i just don't understand it, and it maeks me paranoid because what are these people saying about me when im not there, are they smiling at me and asking how i am, and being nice to my face then telling everyone they think im a slutty cow behind my back,

is this acceptable? am i overreacting

there are a fair few people i don't particuarly like
and guess what, they know that i don't like them, i don't pretend to there face that i have some kind of faulse friendship with them i don't do small talk because whats the point,

maybe people do this without thinking
but it all comes down to one thing sheep, more fucking sheep - i wonder, did anyone stick up for her, i didn't ask but i am betting they did not even if they didn't feel same way, even if they thought it was crual i bet lots of people will sit on the fence because who wants to go against the grain and risk being unpopular,
i honestly would have stuck up for her
i hope someone might sometimes stick up for me because im sure that my strange ways get me a lot of stick that im not even aware off,

i think id rather be me though than one of them

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25665973/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25665973/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:55:51 PDT some would say out of the risky zone,
I'm starting to feel less sick, and have a bit more energy, sort of starting to feel like my old self again,

On Monday I have my first official scan, the 12 week one, even though i had a scan already it was really early on and we didn't get to see much except a tiny tadpole and a tiny heart beating,
so I am still really nervous about this next scan
last time i had a misscarrige i was prob about ten weeks, so I know that bad things can happen, and I stupidly looked up on google all the things that could be wrong, and totally freaked myself out,
yes i know i am an idiot for doing that in first place,

i have appointment with the midwife tomorrow morning, and I am really hoping that maybe she can find an heartbeat for me to hear before the scsan so that i get some reasurance that there def is still a baby, and nothing terrible has happened,

so send some more positive vibes,


On another note, I am sort of monogomous again - i won't go into details as to why, because thats not fair but it is sort of a relief that now all i have to focas on is myself and Chris,

I have been thinking this past week that it is a year since I took the OD and a year since i broke up with Max,
and still after all that time, still get upset over it all, which is completly insane but perhaps its something im always going to feel upset over, becuase dispite his many many flaws, i did actually love him. I was talking with Chris over why he had such a strong hold over me, i guess it has something to do with his charisma, and the way he could tell me anything and I'd believe him, he has a power over me and I am very aware of that, yet unable to break it, even though I miss him, I would like to think that if i where ever in that position again, I would go about things in a diffrent way, maybe even now id still find it hard to say no, but there are other ways i could have protected myself and my relationship that I know now. I stupidly contacted him in a note here on deviant art, after he wrote that stupid poem to me in the comments of the Tower photo I felt like i wanted too,
im not sure if i regret that now
it wasn't like i said anything pathetic though, and hes hardly ever here so prob won't even read it and more than likley won't get back to me anyway,

I think my hormones are making everything a bit more intense at the moment,
will update again hopefully with a scan photo by monday if all is well.

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25644309/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25644309/ Tue, 30 Jun 2009 05:45:31 PDT but i think its a worthwhile cause,
i know how hard things can be living with mental illness, and im very lucky to live in the UK where all my treatment and therapy is free,

[link]

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25497921/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25497921/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:41:52 PDT
things where left really bad between us,
and I never really expected that we would ever talk again,
but I happened to see her on bebo, and added her on the off chance she might accept and luckily she did.

We have been talking for a few months now,
on bebo, then msn,
and decided a few days ago to meet up,

I agreed and even though i was really nervous I'm gald I did, because any old tension or issues we might have had are most def gone now, and we got along really well, it was so nice to see her again and also get the chance to both say that we regretted the way things turned out,
its so easy now to see things from an adults perspective, what seemed so huge and unfixable as a teenage girl is very diffrent now.

I would like to say, that we are back in each others lifes now for good but its early days, the positive outcome is that we will meet up again, and that we enjoy each others company, and she is also intrested in getting back in touch with some other family members that she hasn't had any contact with in recent years,


Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25420088/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25420088/ Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:53:46 PDT

I'm still sick, but not as often now, thankfully, get some good days and some bad days, but mainly im just tierd, too tierd to do anything productive which is frustrating me becuase normally i like to be doing stuff and at the moment all i seem to do is sleep, eat and sleep somemore,

Today i got up at 2pm, went to shops then out for dinner, then back to bed and slept again till 9pm then up to watch a film and now thinking of going back to bed again to sleep some more,

im ten weeks tomorrow, so hopefully in another 2 i should start to feel better, or so everyone keeps telling me,

mainly though im finding it really hard to mantian 2 relationships whilst pregnant. I didn't anticapate it being an issue in first place so i honestly don't know what to do,

at the min i have no sex drive, the idea of sex at all just doesn't appeal to me, and anything more than vanilla i just have no motavation for, so how can i mantian a secound relationsip when all i want to do is curl up and sleep all the time,
it also doesn't feel right being with anyone but chris,
how i feel about him has sudenly changed so that hes some kind of walking god in my eyes lol, (its hard to explain) but he is priority and i want to kill anybody else who might be a threat to that, i hate myself for it, but can't seem to help it, im trying to relax becuase this is not my real views on relationships, im not normally jelous or insecure this is just hormones...


iv had to make my seound realtionship less of a priority just now, which is unfair on the other person but i can't help myself from feeling like this and i really don't feel like i have the energy to deal with anything extra for now,
im perhaps not much fun to be around but meh! i can't help that,


Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25181016/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25181016/ Sun, 07 Jun 2009 14:20:48 PDT which im happy about cos i am so bored sitting at home.

I am a lot less sick now that i got some anti-sickness tablets from the doctor, and even though i still don't feel so well i think il still manage at work and it will prob be a nice distraction.

I was 8 weeks yesterday
which acordning to the books, the baby is now 12mm long and should look something like this
[link]
(an alian i know) but my alian

I am very aware at the moment that the trials where suposed to start on 5th of June,
but for now i am having little to do with it, not reading about it, not getting updates, not really talking about it, not really thinking to much about it becuase i don't want to get stressed right now.
This plan seems to be working because im managing not to dwell
and never managed that before so guess thats good

Today i decided to go to pizza hut
cos i wasn't feeling so sick and it just seemed like a good idea,
i managed to eat everything until i got to last few mouthfulls and then sudenlly just knew i was going to puke and as toilets are all way downstairs i ended up half puking in a napkin (not classy) and the rest out on street with lots of people staring at me like i was some kind of drunken hoolagan
i then proceeded to puke 3 times down the bridges, on way to bus stop
but actually laughed about it
i think i might be getting used to puking,

kind of worrying how on earth im going to cope with the stuff i might come accross at work, should be very intresting.

anyway down hardly any artwork latley
iv been spending a lot of time making jewellary, puking (obviously) and sleeping

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25016111/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/25016111/ Fri, 29 May 2009 14:07:17 PDT why why why why why can't all of my personalitys be a lesbian becuause they really are pathetic annoying demanding inconsiderate little shits,

im aparently not giving enough attention because im being to sick
WTF
WTF
WTF

I CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT
hello
do u really think that i enjoy this,
so i don't really want to fuck anyone,
i don't even really want to be around anyone
and i def don't want to be getting harassed 24 hours a day

Connie

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24976897/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24976897/ Wed, 27 May 2009 10:22:37 PDT or anything else productive cos frankly i spend most of my time looking at the bottom of a bucket or down the toilet,

i woke up this morning in agony convinced i really must be about to miscarry, totally freaked out, and called my doctor,

but luckily everything is ok
i had a scan today and could see the heart and everything, aparently everything is fine, even though they can't really explain the cramps

so im exhasted now
but at least relieved that everything is ok

i get the feeling the next few months will be really dificult, and im seriously missing seeing the world through anti-depresants and pych meds, i feel mildy depressed and i really don't want that to get on top of me but its so hard to control especially when im so ill and to make matters worse im having to deal with some very insecure and paranoid men in my life,
feel like at the moment im always trying to comfort and reasure one of them when really i just want to curl up in a ball and tell everyone to leave me alone cos i feel so ill,
i have lost my sex drive and seem to just want to sleep all the time.

i love them both but maybe its time to be selfish and tell everyone to piss off when i start getting stressed out, because actually i can't deal with other peoples emotions right now,
and thats not like me cos normally im freaking out if i think anyone is unhappy becuase of me,

i just really want to feel semi ok again, and not so unwell, its like having some sort of super bug thats going to last for at least another 5 weeks



]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24927307/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24927307/ Sun, 24 May 2009 15:54:28 PDT that being sick is poo
and morning sickness should not be called morning sickness cos it doesn't just happen in the morning, it happens morning, noon and night!
I am off work, which is really poo cos honestly id rather not be but becuase i can't stop being sick i can't go in and deal with my clients cos its just not fair for me to spend my entire shift in there bathroom throwing up,

but im trying not to stress about work, because i can't help it, and eventually it will get better, (i hope) and i plan on going back as soon as its a little easier to function.

I actually feel well right now 11.37pm at night, but most of today as been spent looking at the bottom of a bucket, or in bed,
lazy cow i have become

Mainly though i want to go back to work because being at home thinking is just bad for me,
im paranoid something is going to go wrong taking 40 or so trips to the toilet just to check im not bleeding, and freaking out because i am still having cramps even though the doctor said thats ok and normal etc but honestly can't help feeling scaird shitless that i might end up having another misscarrige.

I also imediatly quit any drugs i take, psych or otherwise, dispite my doctor saying she would keep me on them becuase the risk is worth taking if it stops my mental health getting bad, i just can't take them knowing that they could be causing harm, and actually its been a week now without and i feel ok
im sleeping,
and even though iv had some extra lost time and been slightly down and more paranoid, im still coping ok, not self harming or thinking about self harming,

and of course i am really lucky to have chris,
and alan
who are both being extra supportive and sweet,
and it amazes me how many people feel they have a right to ask me who the father is and no i won't be on the Jermany Kyle show in 9 months time because i am very certian that Chris is the Dad, and iv been pregnant longer than iv been sleeping with alan anyway, i just didn't realise it when i first got together with him i just thought i was ill,

anyway
anyone who is sending positive vibes keep sending me them
and thanku everyone whos congratulated me

JOOLS

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24867461/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24867461/ Thu, 21 May 2009 03:05:36 PDT that i went to the doctors today
and had it confirmed that I am 6 weeks pregnant!!!!!

i know some people don't say until they are 12 weeks, but my theory is that I want everyone to send us positive vibes that things continue to go well!

we been trying for 5 years and are on the IVF waiting list, had given up hope of it happening without IVF or medical help and infact was due to see the fertility doctor again next week to see if i had lost enough weight to start some ovulation medication
but looks like i don't need him anymore after all

and so since we had given up hope and stopped thinking about it really, it has come as a bit of a shock,



]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24709487/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24709487/ Mon, 11 May 2009 18:47:35 PDT
my mood is up and down like crazy
one min i feel really happy, and content, then next i feel like an anxious mess, and then really low, and stupid crazy ideas are getting into my head that all logic tells me to ignore but seems really difficult to listen to logic right now.


Tonight when i was walking home under the subway i was so sure that someone was going to be at the other end waiting for me, i had keys in my hand ready to poke someones eye out if i had too, then lost the time between getting through the subway and to the house, just that it took a lot longer than it should have.

I have this feeling that something really bad is about to happen
and my brain is going through all the possible senarios that could be, then i start to make myself ill worrying about what i think is going to go wrong,

I was convinced this morning that there was someone inside my wardrobe,
and had to keep going back and forward to check even though i saw nobody there as soon as i got back into bed the feeling that someone was there came back

then there is the problem with looking in the mirror because i don't look like me and its really un-nerving, because i know im me but im not how im supposed to look, i look to old for how i am percieving myself to be, and thats prob cos the younger parts are more close, and everything feels a bit strange like its all new even though i know its not, part of my brain is percieving it to be new, such as going into my house i dont' feel like its my home, or my dog is my dog its like im someone else but i know im not someone else, and interacting with chris feels strange because he feels strange to me and that makes it hard to get comfort from him.

then there is the fact that im in a new relationship,
that is actually going really well
but because its going well i just feel paranoid because i don't believe that i am that lucky to find 2 really sweet guys like this and im constantly looking for something to go wrong and driving myself crazy thinking about it,
and i realise how totally fucked up i was after the breakup with Max and i now know that i really really don't want to feel like that ever again, and now that i have feelings for someone else iv basically just handed someone the same power to hurt me like he did, and even if its someone who is really nice and who seems to be genuine and not a bastard i can't help but be a bit scaird that im going to end up hurt again,
and yes of course i should have thought of that before i started a new relationship, but i tend not to think logically like that and go with how i feel and now its kind of too late cos i already feel the way i do and there is no avoiding that.

and lets be honest
who wants to date
a polyamorous bisexual girl who is well and truely mental, paranoid, insecure with a past like mine, im hardly a good catch lol and it amazes me that chris sticks around, let alone someone else.

and so
lets hope i get a better grip of things soon before i fuck everything up

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24623372/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24623372/ Wed, 06 May 2009 17:56:08 PDT but pretty much every day i recognise that its one day closer,
and in a way thats a relief because this time it might finally be over for good, but at the same time its kind of sad because i know that there are still so many people out there getting away with it,

I also been sick
LOTS
not pretty I can safely say that this is a proper flare up of the bowel disease, it could be worse, but it could also be a lot better, i want to eat and enjoy eating and not have to worry about throwing it back up or sitting on the toilet 20 times a day in agony.

BUT

honestly even though all thats going on i feel happy,
even if a little tiny bit drained and emotional, i still feel happy, because otherwise life is going well. It is kind of scary to think that a couple of months ago id prob never have imagined things how they have turned out now,



]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24475001/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24475001/ Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:18:20 PDT
so yaa for me lol

Only minior issue i had was that the extra stress of worrying about stuff caused a mini flare up of the bowel disease which means iv been puking up a LOT, but i am trying to stay calm about it, because even if i can't keep much food down at the moment its not as if im going to starve to death anytime soon, and maybe i will even manage to lose some weight and the fertility doctor will be happy with me so trying to look on the positive side of things. Hopefully in a few weeks it will be better again, and in the mean time im refusing to stay in the house just cos i might be sick its only if its really bad that im not going out, rest of time i go out and if i do puke them so what

I guess now i am offically in another relationship too,
which is kind of scary, and nice at the same time,
i have to keep reminding myself that iv not known him long, and im very very wary of setting myself up to be hurt again, because i really don't need another Max in my life,
but this time is diffrent because there are no lies, and he really is just very very sweet next Saterday he is coming with me to the pagen moot, and should get some pictures from that hopefully and one thing that i really really like is that he is as tactile as i am, so i can paw touch hug as much as i like, and its not a problem at all its scary to think that before chris i didn't used to like being touched at all, now im addicted to touching,

so now that im not so stressed i feel like i can sit still and do some artwork,
just submitted a new one

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24411752/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24411752/ Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:07:42 PDT
]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24391949/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24391949/ Thu, 23 Apr 2009 10:34:53 PDT or however long this takes.

i didn't sleep more than an hour last night, and really i should just cut myself off from anything to do with it, not listen to hearsay and not think about it, but i honestly just can't i have this part that is morbid about wanting to know exactly whats going on,

i heard yesterday
that the phedophile ring is prob still active, maybe with diffrent men but ultimatly doing the same stuff as before and thinking that they are getting away with it,

that makes me feel like shit,
its easier for me to think that its not happenning anymore, that its all over and done with but its its prob not, and i feel guilty and ashamed of myself for keeping my mouth shut and not saying anything and letting it go on for years and years and if i had just openned my mouth and told somebody at the time this would not be the nightmare it is now, and even now im still to fucking afraid about telling, and even if i am telling its not enough, its to little to late, and iv fucked up other peoples lifes who might not have had it happen if i had just tried to stop it all at the time

im rambelling

i can't see past tomorrow, i don't think its going to get the same media attention as last time (its old news now) but i just can't see past tomorrow, i feel sick thinking about the fact that no matter how much evidence they have against these men some of them are going to get away with it there are so many that there will be some that they just can't find, becasue its just like a sea of diffrent faces, i can't even remember how many i came into contact with, and god knows how many they are
it makes me hate men, how do you know which ones are twisted, they all might be for all i know and some are just really good at hiding it, maybe the people i trust can't be trusted at all and they are all the same and its a big cover up,

sorry for the rant

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24365581/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24365581/ Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:08:23 PDT and actually i cheated a little because on Sunday afternoon i met up with him spur of the moment, not as a proper date but as a pre-date, or something like that anyway i left him on sunday afternoon attracted to him, and enjoying his company but not very sure if he could handle me,
he appears at first to be so sweet an innocent in a way that almost makes me want to mother him
but tonight, diffrent story, def not sweet or innocent and i confident that actually he might just about be able to handle me

I am being very careful this time not to make the same mistakes I did before with Max,
for one, this new guy is not married
2 i don't think he is telling me any lies, i knew from the start that max was a lyer but i ignored my instinct, i have no such instinct with this,
3 i am being 100 percent upfront and honest with both him and chris, and making sure to talk to chris about any feelings he may have of jelousy or insecurity, and likewise if i happen to feel jelous of the time he spends with another girl then i talk to him openly about it because i realise now that jelousy is just an emotion that happens, its illogical. Sometimes its there for a good reason and sometimes its not.

I've been doing a lot of research on Polyamoury of late because this time i want to do it right and i came accross this fantastic article that i will quote a little.

"One of the central fixtures in most polyamorous relationships, especially polyamorous relationships between an existing couple who begin with a monogamous relationship and then expand the relationship to include polyamory, is a set of rules or covenants designed to protect the existing relationship and to make the people in the relationship feel secure--in other words, to deal with issues like jealousy, insecurity, and threat. I'm going to use the metaphor of the refrigerator and bend it to my own ends.

Let's assume your relationship is a refrigerator. One day, a problem arises in your relationship--the refrigerator quits working. You walk into your kitchen, there's a puddle on the floor, and all your frozen pizzas and ice cream are a gooey mass in the bottom of the freezer. There are a few things you can do at this point, once you've mopped up the mess and scraped the remains of last night's lunch out of the fridge. One solution is to fix the refrigerator; another is to replace it. A third solution is to leave the refrigerator exactly where it is and change your life around the problem--"From this day forward, I will bring no frozen or refrigerated foods into this house." In the poly community, the last option is the one most people choose."

I think this is one of the mistakes we made before
we set up rules
you will not bring any other partner to this house
you will love me the most
i will come first
you will only see them at certian times
etc etc...

it doesn't work, rules in relationships don't because in my opinion relationships take on a life of there own,
if i am jelous about someone chris is seeing it is not logical,
i know that people are not interchangable, i am not going to be replaced, the intamicy i have with him is ours and no other relationship will be the same that doesn't mean that no other relationship is as important of significant but it means that its diffrent and he and I should respect them both equally, what he has with someone else he doesn't have with me, and thats ok,

I do not wish for a secoundary primary situation
i thought long and hard before deciding that but it doesn't feel right, again it seems to try and fit any secound relationship into a mold and what if that relationship doesn't fit that mold, then you have broken the rules,
and why can't a person have 2 primary relationships,
i can see myself at some point in the future being commited to more than one person, and that seems natural and an ok thing for me to do,
not for everyone but it is for me

So back to jelousy
it is a response to fear, fear that you are going to be replaced, or you will lose the person you love, or just fear that something bad will happen!

and i quote again
"not all fear is irrational. Fear of snakes? Positive and healthy. Fear of spiders, or falling, or drowning? Positive and healthy. A lot of our distant ancestors had to die to bequeath us with these instinctual fears, and they've served us well. There's a difference between a rational fear and an irrational fear, a difference between a fear that genuinely keeps you safe and a fear that makes you contort your life (and the lives of the people around... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24315013/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24315013/ Sat, 18 Apr 2009 20:53:35 PDT actually until a few days ago i had purposefully avoided looking at anything that would remind me of the date, and i wasn't aware until friday that things are moving forward and getting a lot closer,

Friday was a bad day
because i realised it was a week to go,
and how that train of thought makes me think, but i am really lucky to have good friends who are willing to come all the way out off town to come cheer me up,

Before whenever i was stressed i tended to become a recluse and would stop contacting anyone and just hide away, but now i actually call friends and talk to them when i feel down and i think thats progress. I didn't want to be alone, where as before all i wanted to do was be on my own.

I have a date on Tuesday, that i am both looking forward to and extreemly nervous about because i happen to really like the person im meeting and its always that little bit harder to deal with nerves when you actually like the person,

we have never met in person
but talked lots online and this is really the first time i have ever even considered meeting up with someone like this but even though logic tells me to be wary and very careful my gut feeling tells me to go for it and so I decided why not as long as its in a public place. Having a date to look forward too instead of just one i am dreading is helping me cope with any stress the end of next week will bring, im not sure what il focas on after tuesday, hopefully the date will have gone so well il just be feeling happy about that.

I have 3 year old to look after friday sat sun next week too which is over the days that might be most difficult,
she will keep me busy and distracted, and i know that i always somehow manage to cope with anything when i am responsible for her.

I've not really done much art because i really can't focas on it at the moment, I've been playing the piano instead, lots and trying to socialise

im impressed with myself on the social front,
because really i have kept my new years resolution to be more social, i def get out a lot mroe these days and have more people i call friends,

im still learning about friends in adult life and how they work, because i only had a few in childhood from moving about so much and only kept in touch with one or 2 into adulthood. Its sad to see that there are a lot of faulse people who will happily wear the mask of friend but really there are only a few that anyone can count on and of course in any social group there are one or two bullys,


perhaps my extensive experience of dealing with sadistic sickos has actually made me hyper aware of those few that seem to enjoy hurting people,
who knows but what i can see very clearly is that there are some people that without fault of there own, simply don't have the strength to go against the grain, they have always been, and always will be sheep, and a sheep really can't stand up to a wolf how can anyone demand they do anything diffrent, its not in there nature. I am just really lucky that i have the privlage to meet some people who are not sheep and at least no matter what my other issues are, and no matter how weak i am mentally i never have been and never will be a sheep. Which is a blessing, and a curse, because if im not a sheep i cannot understand the way a sheep is, i can only empathize to an extent, before im simply frustrated. So perhaps its time i stop trying to make the sheep into something its not and just accept that this is the way the world is and be grateful for the few extrordanary people I've come accross that seem to have the ability to make a diffrence.

Anyway, I think things are better than I imagined them to be when i found out more court stuff was happening, and so far the only real damage iv done was take a blade to my arms again which isn't good but still could be a lot worse,

i hope,
that this time next week when its all over for a little while, il still feel like i can cope.

thanks to the people who have been extra kind and supportive, it means a lot because even doing or saying one small thing, or showing in some small way you care, it really does make me feel like its worth trying to cope at all.

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24182998/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24182998/ Sat, 11 Apr 2009 13:15:25 PDT
WTF

i hope they leave him to rot.

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24118396/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24118396/ Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:04:35 PDT [link] and the model was [link]

I would have to recommend this model highly, as she is very confident and easy to work with, fantastic look that is beautiful and also interesting not just the run of the mill pretty girl she has an extra spark that shows in her photos

I have already added a couple of the pictures from this shoot to my stock account,
and will be working on them during the next few weeks,

at the moment I'm stressed and so ideas seem to be limited because I can't actually focus very well,

I’m starting to feel kind of depressed again thinking about the end of April and I really don't want to get into that kind of state of mind but its really hard not to dwell on negative things when I know its going to be everywhere again in a few weeks,
I wish I could curl up and go to sleep and wake up in the middle of may when it’s all over again.

I keep having this recurring dream where I am looking at a news paper and there are pictures of me as a child in there
then I start to run and I can't run its like running in water
then I start to drown and wake up in a panic
iv actually been doing little stints of running during the day just to remind myself that my legs do work and I can actually run!
crazy but I find it reassuring, sort off...

to distract myself
iv joined the okcupid site, I never thought id join anything like that but was surprised when a friend talked me through it and so alas I’m now chatting away to random people on there
it’s a nice distraction,
I seem to be going through a bit of a man drought at the moment, I may not be the most attractive girl in the world but usually I have a few options if I want to play, at the moment its all girls and no guys!! well except Chris

it seems that the men I do like, are unattainable or complete bastards!!!

My problem is if I do like someone I don't actually tell them or flirt I just kind of do nothing at all lol

At the moment I’m having gaps in my time that I am presuming are because of Jess who is extremely sexual and the only reason I know this is because I get little snippets of memory from when she is out and normally she is doing or saying some forward things.


I haven't lost time with Jess for 2 years, id go as far to say that this part is almost integrated so I dunno why all of a sudden I’m losing time with her again. The only thing I can think of is she is craving some kind of attention, and for some reason whenever there are court trials coming up or in process I crave male attention its like I need it to make me feel normal because sometimes I can't imagine that anyone could ever find me attractive. I feel like as soon as they look at me they will know my past and I imagine they look at me and just see immediately that I’m already used up and dirty. I don't know how Chris can be with me without thinking about all the details that he knows and not be put off and disgusted.

I know most girls don’t think they are pretty, well maybe some do but I know lots who don’t. I don’t, I never ever have, I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to cut up my body with blades because I figure its disgusting anyway. I know that when Jess is out she has some sort of confidence, but it’s not my confidence and its not a feeling I can share with her. I think even deep down this part doesn’t really have self worth because if she did then she wouldn’t have done some of the things she has done in the past that have hurt the body or put me at risk. The disgust I feel isn’t really about how I look its more just feeling disgusting in general, like I want to get in a bath full of bleach and scrub myself an I know from experience that even that doesn’t actually make me feel less disgusting.

sorry I am going on a bit now
just feel shitty tonight perhaps I’m thinking too much thinking is bad

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24043477/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24043477/ Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:57:56 PDT i think this time i might be there in person

can't really deal with this right now.

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24028409/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/24028409/ Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:49:33 PDT lots and lots of braids with lots and lots of colour, purple, pink, yellow, blue, orange, pink, red, brown, blonde
[link]hotoAlbumId=8333847275&hotoId=10500531435
i like it lots
and it means i don't have to brush, straighten, dry, style or any other stuff that is boring i can just get up put it up or leave it down and go.

People ethier seem to love it or hate it, had a few even stop me in the street to tell me that they like it.

My Mum hates it but thats normal,

i have spoken to her since her outburst on mothers day, went to see her yesterday because it was my step Dads birthday and if i hadn't given him a card or something she would lose her nut again and really its just not worth it so i popped in with a card but made sure to bring both my dogs because then i wouldn't have to stay long as she is scaird of them and makes me tie them up outside.

She was ok, no shouting, not hitting me or anything like that but she made sure to make me feel uncomfortable, at one point she asked me to stand up, then when i said why she said just do it so i did because i didn't want an argument and she got right in my face and asked me if she had ever been nasty to me, or been a bad Mum,
im far to intimadated by her to say yes you have so i said no of course not, but it freaked me out and she hugged me which freaked me out even more becuase it doesn't feel natural to hug her it feels like im being fourced,

she made comments about how she wishes i had morals, and wasn't so strange and she outright asked me if i have multiple personality which is a very very strange question to ask someone and i can't understand why she would ask that because she doesn't know about the DID and i don't think its that obvious to people who don't know but Chris says that i switch a lot around her and it is obvious that something is going on,
i didn't answer her question directly i just laughed and said doesn't everyone

she also asked me outright if Chris and I still have an open relationship.
I think most people would advise me to just tell her no we don't becasue she will never ever understand or approve but i get sick of her asking stuff she doesn't actually want to know the honest answer too anyway and so i thought fuck it and told her that yes we do and we are perfectly happy with that,
she calmly informed me that i disgusted her
thanks Mum
im soposed to see her again tomorrow i don't want to i think i might cancel and say im ill but i actually don't want to offend or hurt her by always cancelling i just think if i do meet her il get so stressed out and down again and this time i won't have the dogs outside to bail me out.

on a more happy note
i have a photoshoot on Saterday, with a new photographer [link] since my other friend seems to be too busy these days and i get the feeling people where saying i was taking advantage of him which i wasn't but who knows i can only ask so many times if iv offended someone then i give up. I'm happy to get the chance to learn from somebody new though and the model is the lovley [link] so i am looking forward to being able to use my own stocks again

I have been working on a manip for over a week now but im just not happy with it so far
it seems to take me longer and longer to get satified these days.

all in all life is good

J

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23931984/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23931984/ Sat, 28 Mar 2009 10:27:39 PDT
they say everything happens for a reason, well im not sure i believe that but sometimes it all does seem to be following some kind of plan,

When i sorted things out with the girl id pretty much hated for 7 years i never really thought that id actually like her, or want to be friends with her i just hoped that it at least be easier to be around her without all the agro and tension,
but i seem to have found a new friend someone i actually really like a lot and it just seems utterly bizaire to me...

There is someone else from my past who i have just recently been in contact with,

i haven't spoken or seen my sister in 10 years, since we where both 15,

this one is really complicated to even begin to explain,
she is my step sister, but we grew up all through our late childhood early teens sharing a room and i considered her my sister, we where very very close, and it got complicated for many reasons but the main one being is that my Mum was physically and emotionally abusive to her, infact to be honset she was just crual,

At the time i didn't even consider what she was going through because of my Mum, becuase to me that was just normal, and often i was just glad that it wasn't me who was at the recieving end,
i did nothing to support her and i hate myself for that, i just let it happen often even taking my Mums side because disagreeing with my Mum meant my life would be made hell too,

Social services got involved
and she left when she was 15,
she stayed at my school for another few months and during that time we where at war, i was angry at her for leaving, she was angry because it was my Mum who had been crual to her, and i did nothing to help,

it ended really badly, with her threatening to kick my head in and me actually smashing her head off the computer in the IT deparment,
i think i can honestly say that may well have been the first appearance of Connie cos i really don't have much memory of this, fortunitly though i got to see it all on the CCTV. Probably that was the first time that i realised that during those times when i have blanks i might actually be doing more than just staring into space, it really frightened me to realise i could be so violent and not even remember,

I can't say that i hated her because i never did, i just remember being really hurt that things had turned out so bad and at the time i couldn't understand why, because id got so used to my Mum being how she is that i didn't understand why it was such a big deal to someone else,
i also kind of felt betrayed that shed left and i was still stuck there. I could have left i could have told social services i wanted to leave too but i didn't have the guts to betray my Mum. In my opinion my sister has far more guts than i ever did, because she actually packed her bags and left and she never came back

so,
my point
i happened to stumble accross her name on bebo, and i thought id have a look at her profile because i am a nosey cow except like my profile on bebo you can't see it until you are already added as a friend so i added her but honestly didn't expect her to accept the add.

She did, and so i sent her a message and i told her that i was sorry for everything that she went through because of my Mum,
she replied and it wasn't how i expected i really expected she would hold a grudge, i didn't think that we would ever speak again, but she is and now what do i do? Stupid question i should just talk to her, because i do miss her but its been 10 years and so much has happened,

iv kind of gone a bit loopy since all this happened with my Mum and then getting in touch with her, and iv been switching like crazy and even at work which is VERY VERY BAD,
at work today i ended up getting very upset because one of my clients screams all day, and I know as Jools an adult that this client is not screaming at me personally its just her way of comunicating but Alice and Lily don't understand and i couldn't stay presant for more than ten mins and by the end of my shift i was in the office with my boss balling my eyes out but totally unable to give an explination as to why i was so upset..
(one of the nicer bosses not the bastard boss)
then i left and got really confused on the way home ended up on wrong bus then lost my money and then couldn't remember where i was soposed to be and luckily i had a phone on me so could contact chris and arange to meet him to get more money and ground myself,
it doesn't help that i didn't sleep at all last night
and i still haven't actually r... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23925932/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23925932/ Fri, 27 Mar 2009 22:45:35 PDT
Everybody's vote and letter signing will count and help very much toward arresting this shit of a human being. Thank you to all who participate, and I hope many of you will.

[link]

IF ANYONE ever done something to hurt one of my dogs, i can honestly say 100 percent that i wouldn't think twice about killing them,
my dogs are my babies,

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23906992/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23906992/ Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:39:19 PDT
So let’s start at the beginning
Why would anyone start cutting?
For many reasons, I can’t speak for anyone else but for me it started off as just morbid curiosity, I was sitting doing my math’s homework age 11, primary 6, and I suddenly thought to myself what would it feel like if I dragged the point of my compass across my skin,
I was clever enough to work out that cutting myself would not be a normal thing to do, but I had no idea it was called self harm or that other people did it, I just figured my Mum would freak if she saw a scar and so I cut my foot,

It felt amazing, I'm not going to pretend that it didn’t because if it didn’t feel good why on earth would anyone do it, its like a release of something though I'm not entirely sure what, I love seeing the blood, to me its so pretty, and iv learned that cutting different parts of my body makes the blood looks different, iv often been tempted to paint with the blood, though have never got round to it and it congeals etc so not sure how it would work.

So I did it and I forgot all about it for a while, but then one night I was stressed and I thought if I did it again it make me feel better and so I did, and then again and again

And at first it was always on my foot, just tiny scratches but then I needed to go a little deeper to feel the same release as the first time and then I needed to make more than one cut, then my feet where too covered in scars and I needed to find a new place so I started on the top of my legs, then the top of my arms, my stomach, my thighs, my belly, and finally my arms, and wrists,

So that brings me to second point
Do you do it for attention?

The short answer is no, but I guess in a way yes because part of me wanted someone to notice and care though because I knew at that age nobody would I was so careful to make sure nobody could see what I was doing.

I cut for about 3 years without anyone knowing what I was doing, I covered my arms up and my legs and I was very careful. So that was not attention seeking, because the behavior was not rewarded with any kind of attention, negative or positive, it was my secret and my addiction,
When I was 13 my Mum caught me cutting,
Her response was to call me names, hit me, tell me I was a freak and mental like my Nan and threaten to throw me out, so I stopped cutting, because I was too scared she would find out id done it again,
Instead I decided to stop eating and throw up anything I had to eat if I got the chance and thus I became very thin very quickly and clearly this was a lot harder to hide than the cutting.

It was only recently that I even considered that actually this was just another way to self harm. I didn’t stop eating because I wanted to be nice and slim it was actually because I didn’t want to grow up and look like a woman, and part of that was because of the stuff in my early childhood and the other thing that happened when I was 13. I wanted to be able to count my ribs and be so skinny I wouldn’t be attractive to anyone but myself it was a way of protecting myself against men. To me that is a very logical thing to do after rape.

I got LOTS of attention for not eating, mostly very negative, and was eventually hospitalized because I would die if I didn’t put on weight,
I started to get a bit better after that and by time I was 17 I had started to eat normally again, though I admit I still used to binge then be sick up until very recently. It was actually all the attention I got for not eating that made me decide I would eat again because the amount of people making comments and trying to make me eat was so stressful I couldn’t fight it anymore plus your body is screaming out to eat it takes a massive will power not to eat, but at the same time it takes a massive will power to start eating. I am big now most people wouldn’t believe me if I told them I was anorexic unless I showed them some of the pictures I have from that time, but I still get obsessive over food and its always there in the back of my mind which makes me scared to diet because once you have gone done that road there is always the chance you will visit again I know a few girls who got better then lost it again,

I can... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23839628/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23839628/ Sun, 22 Mar 2009 20:18:41 PDT whatever I do,
or don't do,
it’s never enough,

When I was a child, id make her a card, I remember making a really special card for her when I was about 6 years old, it was at rainbows, and we put little sweeties together in a box and made it look really pretty,
I hid it in my room for a few days until mother’s day,
when I got it out from the hiding place some of the chocolates had melted, so I tried to make them look nice again but obviously not as nice as they where before and the ones that where really melted bad I decided to eat – and I was 6 years old I think that’s not such a unusual thing for a 6 year old to do. When I gave them to her, I remember being desperate for her approval and instead she got really angry started slapping me about because some of the chocolates where missing and some where melted she called me stupid for hiding them in my room near the heater,
I was called stupid and thick for the rest of the day, and every mothers day since has gone wrong,
if I got her flowers, they where the wrong kind or she didn't like flowers or my brother got her a better more pretty bunch,
if I bought her a present she never liked it
if I bought a card I hadn't put enough thought into it
if I made a card I was cheap for not wanting to spend the money on a proper card
I really cannot win so I give up, I don't buy her stuff and I don't send cards, what’s the point when I’m only going to disappoint her anyway. This year I said that I couldn't see her on mothers day but that I would arrange to take her out for lunch on Friday,
she seemed ok with that plan a few days ago I thought maybe this year we could avoid the drama. I called her today just to wish her happy mothers day on the phone and as predicted she acted as bitter and nasty as she usually is,

why hadn't I sent a card?
why didn't I visit her on that day?
my brother had bought her flowers and got them delivered why hadn’t I done the same?
that escalated to a run down of all the things that are wrong with me

so let me run through it

1 I’m an embarrassment to the family because of "how I am" I’m too unpredictable, I do and say stupid things, the reason apparently that my brother hardly ever keeps in contact with me is because he is embarrassed to be with me"

2 she doesn't like to introduce me to people she knows because of how I dress, talk, and the fact that I am the way I am - her saying that is her referring to some of the symptoms of the DID that she is aware off. My mother has never been told that I have DID but she does know that iv been treated at the psychiatric hospital, and she knows that I self harm she can also tell me all the strange things I did as a child that made her concerned that I had got the insanity gene from my fathers side,

things such as leaving school in my pe-kit in the middle of winter with no shoes on, and arriving home in the middle of the day bare foot in the snow and my clothes missing - later found dropped along the road.

claiming that I never remembered doing naughty things, or saying that someone else did it, (imaginary friends) at the time,

and of course the thing she loves to bring up most, all those lovely scars I made all over my body,

3- she then went on to tell me that Chris had personally told her that he’s glad I can’t get pregnant because he isn’t even sure he wants to be with me or have children with me. (this isn’t true because I asked Chris but her saying it puts a little bit of insecurity in my head and it’s hard to rid myself off)

4- in her opinion my house is filthy I don’t dress well or make enough effort with my appearance.

5- again she uses the infertility as a dig, that it’s a good thing I’m infertile because I’m not fit to be a mother.

6- I’m an ungrateful cow, and she pointed out that she gave me the piano for my birthday this year!
This is a joke, because the piano is mine always was mine and always will be mine, It was a present from my gran when I was 16 not long before I left home and so it was delivered to my mothers house, she has refused to give it back to me until recently, and decided that she would this year because she wanted to decorate and it was in the way
How the hell she can then claim she has done some sort of grand deed by allowing me to have it back I'll never know but clearly in her head that works!

I may well be unhinged, but in my opinion compared to my mum I'm completely sane,

she has OCD she cannot leave the house without everything being in a certain place, a certain way, the floors have to be spotless, every item in the house dusted,
she can't stand mess, and cleaning is basically the only thing she does with her days,... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23771767/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23771767/ Wed, 18 Mar 2009 21:22:05 PDT except nobody told me!!!

lol in reality my life is just not that intresting

ANYWAY Moving on...

Things have been a bit busy, with bel visiting, working, and still making time to do art and go out visiting friends,
i have only just caught up on my messages here, and the stock account.

I am very excited because im going to a pagen festival in May,
the fire festival

Now i have been to something similar in the past but it was the main event in edinburgh up carlton hill and for me it was just to busy and full off very drunk people who really where there just for an excuse to party.

I genuinly have an intrest in the pagen faith, and so this will be an opertunity to learn somemore
its with 12 people, camping on a tiny island,
should be lots of fun

Faith is always an issue for me, i was brought up as a christian with a bunch of family members who thought it was perfectly ok to abuse children during the week as long as they went to church on a sunday,
then aged 17 i was told by a church youth worker that woman who where raped where condemd to hell unless they married there rapist,

i have done a lot of research into religion because im very intrested in it and how it has such a strong influence over how people live there life,

i have a strong dislike of the organised religions that state if you don't do this or that you will go to hell
i hate the chirstian idea of god, and equally dislike the muslum, jewish, siekh idea of god,

but i don't really call myself an athiast because i do have some small tiny bit of faith that perhaps there is more to this life than just this! However in my depressed state the idea of there being an ultimate end, with no afterlife has been a comfort and thats prevented me from delving any deeper into personnal faith, and up until now iv kept my distance from actually getting involved.

I have a good friend who is christian
and all i see when i look at her is guilt,
she is in the unfortunate position of being a christian who is also intrested in girls and along with that and other things she seems to prevent herself from fully enjoying so much of life because she has all this guilt that some granddad in the sky is looking down on her and going to send her to hell.

We have talked off and on for years about our growing friendship and attraction towards each other and up until recently i refused to take it any further because i didn't want to be responsible for adding to her guilt. That kind of went out the window this weekend but i am still sort of behaving, and not actually going as far as i might like to go because i really don't feel certian she can cope with having an experience like that just now.
not sure how long il keep that up as Jess has next to know will power when it comes to matters of sex Luckily Jess sort of understands somewhat that we have to take things slow here

It is nice to have an experience with a girl again and someone i really care about, and even better its someone that Chris really likes too. Not in that way but he is happy that iv picked someone nice this time. Granted i think that has a lot to do with the it being a girl and not a guy, The thing with chris is he understands what is wrong with monogmony and why i can't and won't live my life like that, but he still has some issues with jelousy when it comes to men. We have talked about it and he knows that its illogical because there is no need for him to feel jelous, nobody can replace him or take me away from him anymore but i think its ingrained, your brought up to believe that jelousy and possesion are the norms in love and very few people question that. When you do though it starts to make more sense to be open because its not a natural state for humans to be in, we are not desigined to be monogomos its something thats happened through religion and convienciance rather than something thats in our nature.

oh i just remembered another exciting thing

im going to get dreadl... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23633347/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23633347/ Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:25:49 PDT
I'm excited because Bel is coming to visit me this weekend,
this will only be the 3rd time we have met up in person ever, but we have talked for years and years on msn, and through tsf,

i keep meaning to visit her, in england but at the moment time of from work is scarce but i plan to change that soon!! i need a break even a couple of days break..

im hopnig to take some more photos when she is here
for my christmas she gave me these lovley theatrical masks, they are amazing and iv wanted to get some photos of them for months but not had the chance,
person i normally take photos with has been to busy and i am slightly lacking in confidence to do it alone
but i think now i will because with bel it doesn't matter if i make a mistake or they don't turn out so well it will be an experiment

I also got a new corset,
its an unberbust one, and chris seems to like it better than my leather one prob because it makes my boobs look HUGE!!!!
but i like it too, its tighter and i can wear a pretty top under it or just wear it as underwear,
can't believe i only discovered the world of corsets last year, at least i have one thing to thank Mr Compulsive Liar for because if he hadn't persuaded me to try one on at the moot id not have bothered

On Friday the piano is getting tuned
i left it a few weeks to settle into its new enviroment, that sounds mad but honestly you have to because if i got it tuned as soon as it got moved to my house it would still have to climatise to the new setting and would be out of tune again quickly now its totally settlled and should be ready to be properly tuned,
its not so bad out of tune just now that i can't play it but i can here that its not right and for me thats like someone stractching nails down a chawkboard, i will be happy to get it tuned to concert pitch

im still learning moonlight!!!
i know its been over a month
but i want to get it perfect, and its not an easy piece to learn i think its about grade 5 but to actually play it so it sounds nice takes a lot of time,
inbetween doing that
im learning pacabells cannon
and for fun The entertianer - but i seem rather shit at Jazzy tunes. So far my constant playing, even at 2am, hasn't bothered chris at all, and my neighbours don't seem to here through the stone walls, only when i left the window open one night and my next door neighbour said she could here but didn't actually complain.

AND even more good news is that it think that im not going to have a proper flare up of the IBD because its calmed down again, and touch wood it won't wake me up in agony tomorrow.



]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23614318/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23614318/ Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:30:19 PDT I still had the odd couple of bears but gradually I've just gone off drinking,

I used to be a wine girl,
even before I was 18 id enjoying coming home to a glass or 2 or 3 of wine, and at the weekend I was like anyone else, knocking back vodka and shots and experimenting with being drunk, and I realised one thing, its not fun, for me to be out of control is just scary, it was fine in my house getting tipsy on wine but anytime I went over a certain limit I felt scared,
and then one day I just stopped enjoying wine, I just poured a glass and was unable to drink it, and so I stopped buying my regular box of wine at the supermarket, and eventually stopped drinking wine at all,

I used to nick Chris beer when he had it in the fridge
and when I went out id drink 3 or 4 bottles of bear,
but then I stopped enjoying that and started to drink 1 bottle of bear and the rest of the time juice, so that I haven't been drunk in a long time,

and more recently I decided that if I don't enjoy it anyway why do I even bother at all with 1 beer its expensive, I prefer the taste of juice and it actually makes me feel slightly sick so I decided why not go T - total,

its not a big deal for me, I’m not saying that I am against other people drinking, or that I will never have the odd drink ever again but I just don't feel like it and I have a good night without it,

when nobody knew it wasn't a problem, I think when they saw me hyper and drinking coke they presumed I was drinking alcohol anyway but when I tell people that actually I’m not drinking its like it becomes there mission to get me drunk. They look at me like I'm not normal because nobody can possibly enjoy themselves without being drunk

Well honestly I can, and if I choose to have one bottle of beer that’s my choice and if I decide not to it’s my choice too it’s not a big deal, I don't think I'm better than anyone, I don't think drinking is bad I just don't enjoy it.

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23599014/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23599014/ Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:37:29 PDT I already have another kidney infection, which I can deal with because even though the pain is bothersome it’s bearable and I know in a few days the anti-biotics will kick in and it will go away. I seem to get a lot of kidney problems for no reason at all, but its gotten better recently because I started to drink bucket loads of cranberry juice and barley water.
Anyway this morning I woke up in total agony, the kind of agony I haven't been in for a good couple of years,

I have a condition in my bowel called Inflammatory bowel disease; it’s similar to crone’s disease except only the bowel is affected,
but it still hurts
I tend to just tell people its IBS because everyone knows what that is and they normally stop asking questions because who wants to discuss toilet habits! It hasn’t really been a problem for a good few years anyway.

I’ve had it all my life, so its pretty well controlled I know what things I can and can't eat too much off and I have my little pills of codeine to control the pain and stop me having chronic diarrhea (not pretty to talk about) but a reality and one I'm so used too I doesn't embarrass me, I sometimes forget that other people are not used to discussing such things The codeine is prescribed for the IBD, which is why its impossible to quit taking it altogether and why I’ll always be slightly addicted. Perhaps I’ve been trying to cut back on too many because I don’t want to be so addicted to painkillers 

It’s affected by stress, and food, mainly, but also if I catch a stomach bug I tend to get it really bad and it can cause a flare up,

when I was a child I used to complain about having a stomach ache all the time, everyone said that I was just trying to get attention, or skip school, it wasn't until I was 17 and one of the ulcers burst and I ended up in hospital that they had a look around my bowel (NOT a fun procedure!!!) and realised its inflamed and a mess, and there is also some internal damage just to add a little extra annoyance on top of everything else! There really isn't a lot of treatment available and what is available is pretty extreme so it has to get very serious before they start cutting bits of your colon away,
in the past they have given me steroids, but thankfully I haven't needed those in years because the side effects of those aren't too nice ether and its not healthy to take them long-term. I’ve tried some other anti-inflamatory type drugs but they don’t make as much of a difference as the doctors would like to think and in my opinion when a flare up comes it just has to run its course and eventually it calms down off its own accord. That can take days, weeks, months, or years.

So my point...

I woke up during the night thinking I didn't feel so well, I ignored it because normally it calms down, but it started to get worse and by 5am I was starting to remember how much pain I used to be in with this a few years ago,

when I first met Chris it was right in the middle of a flare up that had probably been brought about by all the stress in my life just before I met him,
so he met me when I was pretty sick and in fact we had only been dating about 1 month before he was holding my hair as I puked into his bath lol very romantic!
I was off sick from work constantly, which didn't go down so well with my boss and the more I stressed about that the longer the flare-up would last. That flare-up lasted for about a year and then eventually it calmed down and I haven't been too bad since, just the odd niggle every now and again but nothing like before,

By 7.30 this morning I was virtually on my hands and knees with the pain. I can't describe how intense the pain is when it’s not happening. Its like having your stomach being ripped open, wringed out and tightened all at once and at the same time needing to vomit, it comes in spasms and each one gets more and more intense so by the time its at its worse I would honestly consider bashing my head against a wall so I can pass out and not have to feel it anymore. I have passed out in the past with the pain alone but not as often as id like because passing out is a better option than dealing with the pain. It is the worse pain I can ever imagine, iv broken bones and id rather break every bone in my body than have the pain I’ve had in my stomach.

Chris sat with me from about 6 till 8 and eventually decided I should try to call the doctor... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23562104/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23562104/ Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:22:58 PST
3 months later, my step mum died, and to cheer me up my friend and my ex took me out for a drink,
Where I met Chris

Chris was different to my ex in every way possible, where my ex is as messed up in the head as I am, Chris is stable and has his head firmly screwed on. I ended up spending the entire night talking to him, I had no makeup on, I was wearing scruffy clothes and probably hadn't brushed my hair in days but he put so much effort into cheering me up,
I was so upset though I left without even saying goodbye,
But when I got home I realised that id like to see this guy who called himself Healy again and so I asked my friend to get his number

I had a date with him the following week, but we text pretty much constantly up until the first date and on the date I was very nervous because this was the first proper adult date id ever been on but anyone who knows Chris will know that he is a very easy person to talk too. I didn't even kiss him on the first date because we where both to scared but he walked me home and after he left I sent him a message saying I wished I had,

We had our first kiss at the top of princess street,

With my ex, things had been taken very slow, I was with him for about 7 months before we slept together, but with Chris after only 3 weeks I had him in my bed,
That was lust not love, but you need both in my opinion.

Everything I experienced with Chris was ten times stronger than my ex and I honestly didn't believe before that it was possible to feel like that about anyone, it was extremely intense from the very start, and despite my head telling me to take it slow I am the type of person who normally reacts to how I feel rather than logic. I’m lucky that he felt the same way, or id have ended up being really hurt. He moved in after about 4 months,

I'd say the honeymoon period lasted for about 2 years, it was very easy to just live in a bubble, we didn't go out much and spent a large percentage of our time having sex,
We used to drag the mattress into the living room and have no contact with the outside world,

However even during that time I still had all the issues I have now,

The honeymoon period ended, and we had to deal with the normal stresses of real life,
Mortgage, jobs, bills, family,
and the added stress of me being mentally ill for long periods at a time, getting well then getting ill over and over again, we also had to deal with a miscarriage, and then eventually him finding out all the details of my past, and seeing some of those men go to trial and it being all over the news and papers,

In my opinion its after the honeymoon period that it becomes real love, before that its mainly lust and a gradual growing of love, I know some people will disagree and say love at first site is possible I agree that in a way you can feel love in the first few weeks but its different from the kind of love that grows as you start to make a life together,

I strongly disagree with the traditional concept of love equaling possession, I have always been open with Chris on my views on marriage and traditional relationships and made it very clear that I want to experience having other intimate relationships, I see marriage as a promise to make a life together, but I do not see it as the end of the line in regards to experiencing other people,

Up until recently this has mainly been with other woman, because I find woman far more attractive than most men,
But more recently I had a relationship with another man,
and what a lot of people might not know, Chris also had a relationship with another woman,

Anyone who knows me, him or both of us will know that this was a strain on our relationship, not in regards to him seeing another woman because this was not a problem for me, but the fact I was with another man caused a lot of issues,

I made several mistakes,
I embarked upon this at a time when my relationship with Chris was already going through problems
I choose a man, who is a fantastic liar,
and I started it without properly talking to Chris,

The result was confusion and the near end of our relationship,
but we did get through it.

I have had several people outright state to ether one of both of us that we cannot possibly love each other to have been wit... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23540940/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23540940/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:39:56 PST
iv yet to meet a bald man who impressed me,

actually that is a joke, but on a more serious note,

i believe my boss is a giant egg who was sent here from mars to make peoples lifes as difficult as possible, and to attempt to make someones head explode with burocracy and mindless procedure and general shittyness!!!!

Don't get me wrong i LOVE my job, im a support worker for adults with learning difficultys, the clients are all lovley, and 90 percent of the staff are at least tolarable,
but the giant egg that sits in an office accross the street, is really starting to make me feel homicidal, I cannot stand the man, he is a CREEP.

I started off as a relief worker, that was the ideal situation for me for many reasons
1 - i could choose my own working hours,
2 - it was easier to avoid the politics that go on within my company
3 - i very rarley had to deal with Mr Egg

So why become a permanent member of staff if it was so great being relief..

the answer is that if you said anything that Mr Egg didn't agree with,
for example i think such and such client could do with getting out and about more,
or i think the fact that your wife is using restraint uneseseraly (yes you got that right we work along side his wife and he is her manager as well as ours)
well if you make any sort of noise about pretty much anything he doesn't agree with he would simply make sure you got no shifts at all,
hed give them all to other workers to punish you for daring to think for yourself,
it also excluded me from any trainting, or holidays,

so i took the plunge and i got the permanent contract,

im starting to regret it,
because i think i must have been in his office about 20 times since i started to discuss complete and utter crap,

i was off sick for 3 weeks,
he didn't like that and i had some nasty comments in regards to my illness, HR had to step in during the back to work interview and i hoped that be the end of it since he was extreemly nice in front of the HR lady,
they asked me if there was any reasonable adjustments they could make that would make it easier for me to come to work, i only asked for one thing, that he stop putting me on a 10pm finish and then an 8am start the following morning, i explained it was because by the time i get home, which takes over an hour, and take my night time medication, it hasn't worn off entirly for the morning shift, and thus i have to skip meds or half them and the more shifts like this im on the worse i feel. If you piss off Mr Egg he will put you on these shifts back to back for 4 or 5 days in a row then one day off then back to back again,
he agreed, he said that was no problem, but iv had to wait 3 weeks before he actually did anything to sort it out, and iv counted 6 shifts where iv been totally fucked becuase of the late finish and early start.

He also doesn't bother to write the rota until a few days before its due out, which means nobody can plan anything, in advance, he uses the rota to give the people he likes an easy time and the people who happen to be in his bad books a hard time,
im one of those stupidly proud people who cannot pretend to like an idea, or suck up just for the sake of an easy life, i get verbal diareah a LOT and so needless to say iv spent the last few months working the worse rota in history,

So sunday night,
it was my 5 year anaversary with chris, and i was looking after brooke in the afternoon, and we had a night out in the evening,
i was soposed to be on a backshift but i thought il just swap with someone so that i can make the night out and spend some time with chris in the afternoon, i hardly ever swap shifts to suit myself but i do swap for other people if they need me to so i asked the girl who i often help out and she was kind enough to re-arange her weekend so that i could swap,
so no problem, i do her early she does my late,

except, Mr Egg likes to make things as fucking difficult as he can, and you are soposed to jump through hoops before a shift swap is sanctioned,
because he had been off the previous days before my shift swap I went through the shift lead they said it was ok, and nothing more was said,

then yesterday i get a brief chat with the deputy saying don't make a habbit of having swaps without going through all the protocol but he understood,

again i think thats the end of it

but no
Mr Egg decided today to write a note for me and the girl i swapped with to have a meeting with him, in his office, (AGAIN) cos i hate that office as much as i hate him,
now i feel bad i got someone into trouble who was only trying to help me, and im just pissed off and sick of all the crap that comes with this job, other people have swap shifts last... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23478447/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23478447/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 20:07:01 PST
i was thinking that i have very diffrent taste to men, and woman than most peoples view, actually chris is about the only person iv ever been intrested in that other people also find attractive,

so what makes a person attractive to me,
i like both girls and guys so il think about both

in a man, i like height, i never dated anyone who is under 6ft, thats not so uncommen, i don't know why they need to be so tall, cos i def am not very tall, but i find it safe to be with someone who is bigger than me i also like them to be bulky usually though granted there are slimmer men who are also attractive,

i can't be bothered with toned up working out type men, because i figured out that if a guy has a bit of a tummy and he is on top then it presses down on a certian spot that makes sex even better and so a tummy is a must,
i like little lumps and bumps and intresting things, i LOVE hairy belly, on a man of course, chris has a hairy belly, and its so soft like being in bed with a very sweet gorrilla, and i mean that in the nicest possible way

in a woman, im attracted to curves, probably size 16 plus, because its girls who are over a size 16 who can pull off that voluptous corset figure, im not saying thin girls don't look good in a corset but to me, to see breasts pouring out of the top and firm round hips and thighs is very appealing, im a big girl myself, and perhaps im attracted to people who are also curvy because i feel like skinny girls will prob wish that i was skinny too lol my first crush on a girl was when i was about 12 and it was my singing teacher, she was really lovley, the prettist face and eyes and lots of curves, and that tred stayed with me.

I love ears,
and nice ears are also one of the first things i notice, and honestly not everyone has nice ears if you pay attention, i dunno where my ear fetish came from, perhaps its cos i was born with a small chunk missing out my left ear and that made me notice other peoples ears when i was younger, i really find little round sticky out ears so charming, i could just sit and stroke those kinds of ears all day,
nowadays hardly anyone grows up with ears like that cos they get them PINNED BACK - WTF thats a sin!!

next most important thing is eyes
i like some wrinkles at the corners, (laughter lines crows eyes) i like this because when you see a person with those little lines smile or laugh it feels more expressive,
eye colour i seem to end up with men and woman with ethier blue or green, chris has 3 colours in his eyes, they are the strangist eyes iv ever seen close up, and when he laughs or smiles you can tell imediatly if its real or not because of those little wrinkles,

I read that people like simetrical faces, that they rate that as more attractive
not in my opinion, i want something intresting to look at, symatry is ok for a little while but having a face with character holds a diffrent type of beauty,
its amazing how tiny little detials can make the diffrence between a boring face and an intresting face, a little bump on his or her nose, or slightly pointy features like a pixie i seem to go for girls with love heart shaped faces,

I love facial hair, im not big on mostaches on there own but with a beard is just lovley, i tend to be more attracted to men with facial hair than without, chris doesn't look like chris after a shave hes too clean cut after, but with he looks incredable

long hair on a guy is also very appealing, now that chris hair is growing back again he looks like his old self again,
i love all hair types, curly straight frizzy, as long as its long, and i can pull it

by far the most important quality to me is charecter,
there is a quality in someones charecter that etheir makes me attracted to them or not, it doesn't matter how well they look if they don't have it then they never will (for me anyway )
i can't put my finger on what it is,

i like the fact that chris looks after me, i know its prob something a psycholgist would say... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23411487/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23411487/ Thu, 26 Feb 2009 06:46:41 PST
granted my collection of songs i like is random and extensive, but it tends to veer towards the wacky

so anyone what do you think off

[link]

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P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23386432/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23386432/ Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:31:33 PST trying meaning im no where near even at super amatuarish standards, im doing sketches and tutorials, and looking at various body parts, i think this will take me a long time until i can draw to the standard that i am happy with, i know what i want to draw in my head i just need to learn how to get it right on paper,

im still doing photomanipulating, but taking more time over each image now, because im more intrested in detail and i realise that if i leave it over a few nights and go back to it freash i get new ideas and see things i didn't see before,

im having to go back to using a lot of stock which really isn't ideal id much rather i didn't have too but at the moment iv not had the chance to take anymore pictures and what i do have from pervious shoots is now running out,
im trying to look hard for the stock i want and getting the idea in my head of what i want before i start looking and sorting out images to use, it seems to work better rather than just selecting any stock that looks nice and seeing what happens,
and inbetween all that im trying to draw but only subjecting you guys to a small tiny portion of that.

i wish i didn't have to work, then i could spend all day doing art,
but, i am thinking if i didn't have work to go too id prob end up lying in bed getting myself more and more depressed, work gives me something to get up for.

i don't feel depressed as i was a few weeks ago it is such a huge relief another reprieve i wish i could say that i expect thats its forever now, i won't get back to feeling so low but i know my head and i know that chances are i will be low again, i just don't know if it will be months or weeks time,
i hope months!

im also busy writing letters of complaint to the NHS about there restrictions with the fertility treatment,
do i expect it to get anywhere - no prob not but if nobody complains then there is no chance at all that anyone will listen or make changes,

im pretty much open about the fact that we are hoping to start fertility treatment and that we are having some problems concieving,
someone asked me today, how come i am so open about it, as its normally something thats kept very private,
well why not be open about it, how many people are prob going through the same thing, i know of at least 4 people that are and i wouldn't know unless id spoke to them about my situation, and it feels a lot better to just be able to talk about it rather than it being some big scary shamful secret. Another question someone asked was why start all this now why not just wait until your older,
i find that an odd question becuase im 25 now, if i wait on the waiting list for IVF it is up to 2 and half years wait that means il be 28 or 29, i get three gos on the nhs but god knows how long il have to wait inbetween if it doesn't work the first or secound time,
then il be over 30, and by that time the clock is seriously ticking, and considering i can't get myself pregnant now in my 20s i have no hope when im 30!

I know my history, and I always thought after everything that happened from such a young age it could have caused some problems that might make this difficult and so decide that id give myself plenty of time.

so plan of action for the next 3 months
it all sounds bonkers when i read it back but i got all the information i have about whats helpful and whats not, and we are taking about 10 diffrent vitimans and herbs between us,
im lying upside down for 20 mins after sex,
im having sex as much as i can (this part is fun )
im peeing on a stick everyday to try and pinpoint the exact time i ovulate (not easy i seem to miss it a lot but the doctors say i do sometimes)
iv cut out anything white
bread, rice pasta, potatoes etc becuase aparently thats bad for female fertility
the list goes on and on from the wacky to the very clinical
oh and i am trying not to eat to much so i do lose a stone, resisting chocolate has got to be the hardist part,

im not depressed about it, im frustrated but because im only 25 i feel like there is still time, and for now i can deal with that, at least i finally understand that chris won't just up and leave to inpregnent some other girl because its hard for us, i believe him now when he tells m... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23311939/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23311939/ Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:42:15 PST im ovulating
chris sperm is good,
so why is it i can have unprotected sex for 4 years and still not be pregnant,
the answer is - nobody knows, not even the doctor,

so what can they do,

well i need to lose a stone, cos even though im not obease im still a stone overweight,
do i really believe this will make any diffrence,
NO

We are on the waiting list for IVF, we get 3 goes on the NHS, except they will only give it to me if i lost a stone, because aparently im to fat for fertility treatment right now

iv done my research,
i know that im not overweight enough for it to complicate the IVF or cause any major difficultys in pregnancy,
i don't smoke
and i hardly drink
there is much more risk of a smoker having complications during fertility treatment but thats ok, you can be a smoker and u can still have the fertility treatment, but be fat and your treated like your on herion!

I am actually perfectly happy with my weight, iv never been happier infact, and i have been much thinner, i find dieting hard because i tend to take things to the extreem and so i can't get a happy medium, but i really really have to try, its just so depressing,

my rather obease doctor believes i am ovulating just not as frequent as i could be, and that losing a stone would prob make me ovulate more often, he also wants another sperm test (lucky chris)
and me to pee in in a tube for another 8 weeks, to check to see if i ovulate or not (again...)

if i lose the stone and im not ovulating, then il get the ovulating boosting drugs
if i am ovulating, but still not pregnant then we wait, for 2 and half years for the IFV,
which makes me so glad we are doing this when we are young because being fat take your right to fertility treatment away temporaraly but being old is the biggest sin, after a certian age you can't have it at all, unless you are able to afford the thousands of pounds it costs,
and because the waiting list is so long,
you could easily start off in the age limit but go over it when you are waiting and thus be taken of the list because your too old

hevean forbid that you are fat and old cos then u really are a lost cause,

i already lost some weight since christmas about 8 or 9 pounds so i guess i can lose a stone if i put my mind to it, i just have to do it in a more healthy way than throwing everything up because this time i need to lose weight and stay healthy,

i still feel like its never going to happen



]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23260608/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23260608/ Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:34:27 PST
First off let me start at the beginning (it def helps me to rant here )

One very good thing came from my relationship with the compulsive liar, and that is he introduced me to someone who also has DID, she is the only person i know in real life who is similar to me, i know people online through a support forum but its not really a commen condition, so to have someone i can speak to for real, who understands has been really helpful and she has become a close friend. We don't meet up a lot considering she lives 3 hours away but we talk on msn and i do plan to visit her at some point in the future.

She (was) friends with the compulsive liar, i say was because after knowing what he did to me she no longer wishes to assosiate with him, he lied to her face as well,

now i know he used his kid as an excuse sometimes,
an excuse for cheating - as in he had to stay in this awful relationship cos of the kid, but he needed love, (from another woman) and if he ever left shed stop him seeing the kid, the usual crap really that i guess many many guys have said to the other woman to keep her sweet,
after all how can you expect someone to choose between you and there child.

but this lie i don't understand at all

he told me that she didn't want children, was not maternal and infact split up with her ex husband because he wanted kids and she didn't,
and that when she did fall pregnant she didn't find out until she was over 5 months gone, which meant she couldn't have an abortion and was fourced to have the child,
and that she resented it, and blamed him, he told me this from the very start when i was just his friend.

When things had happened and i was his mistress, i was informed by a third party that this was a lie, that they had planned to have a baby,
i confronted him and he denied it, and i put it down to people shit stirring, because why would he lie about that!

Well, i happened to be talking to my friend with DID who has known him for many years and she confirmed to me that indeed they did try for a baby, infact for many years, and she remembers him telling her as soon as they found out she was pregnant infact my friend got to see the 12 week scan, which is def much sooner than 5 months, it was not an accident he lied. He actually lied and said that he hadn't wanted the child, his own son, and he made out that the mother of his child was some kind of monster who resented having the baby and took it out on him, its sick, and disgusting, and I am so so lucky that i saw sense and realised what a fantastic man i have in chris,

I feel so sorry for the poor child, and the childs mother,
unfortunitly iv also heard that hes trying it on with another girl, luckily she has been warned already what he is, but hes good at playing the nice guy the victim the poor lonley unloved man with the uncaring anti-motherhood girlfriend,
i just have to say again how sick in the head this guy clearly is, and i really really fell for it. I really need to be a better judge of charecter!!!

What makes it worse is he knew that the problems i was having with chris where caused by the stress of a misscarrige and infertility and he played on that to get me to bed,

the other night when he contacted me again i told him to fuck off because i consider him a weak pathetic man,
i felt bad for saying that cos it seemed so nasty, and especially since hed been talking to me because hed felt so bad about losing his dad, but the conversation was leading to (i miss you, bla bla fucking bla, he even said he was thinking of calling my Mum just to see how i was) what utter crap!!!

anyway feel better for getting that off my chest!

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23241603/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23241603/ Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:29:34 PST
poor chris, iv been horrible to him,
we went to the shops and i just felt like i wanted to kill him, had had a knife handy i may well have given it a go, theres no reason for that at all he didn't do anything i can see myself flipping out and going crazy at him i can watch it unfold and here how nasty i am being and feel terrible listening to myself but can't stop it,
then a few mins later i snap out of it.

i attacked him, and i never ever get physical i feel dreadful, hes a big guy and is able to restrain me but thats not the point i don't want to be going about attacking people and especially chris, i told him to restrain me if it happens again, no matter what
but i need it to stop cos what if it doesn't just stop at chris what if i did it to someone at work or some random person in the street,
i wanted to kick off at a security guy at the shops, for no reason other than him looking at me a certian way, i contained myself and left the shop but WTF is wrong with me!!!

i flipped out becuase we had to go to morrisons instead of asda and i couldn't find the chicken and because the store was the wrong way around,
i can't even explain how extreemly pissed off that made me,

im not generally an angry person, i normally have my PMS once a month and thats that, i def don't usually want to start fights or hurt people unless they hurt me first or there is a dam good reason,

so im thinking of reasons why this is happening

1 - i took hormone tablets before my tubes got checked to prevent it being the wrong time of the month for an internal, the hormone tablets delyed everything and messed me up so even though the initial time is over i feel like i still have the PMS

2 - i have another urine infection

3- i skipped a couple of pills because i had to do a 10pm finish and an 8am start and didn't want to go to work half sedated,

4- im stressed at work because my manager is a giant numpty!

5- im still not sure about the new developments with the DID and the new alter i have a feeling the huge aggression may be coming from this, because even though i have some parts with a lot of hatred towards men, in general i normally take that out on myself, maybe the new part is the part that is willing to take it out on other people - (this is just a theory)

anyway rant over, i don't really know why, i just hope it calms down again soon,

on a lighter note im trying to learn to draw
but i really am totally shit, but i was shit at photomanipulation when i started and i know im not that shit anymore so if i can learn to do that then im sure i can learn to draw reasonably well,
looking at tutorials and just spending time looking at various proportians of the body cos at the moment i want to learn to draw people, since this is what i normally enjoy doing in photoshop,
i had only one pencil up until today i bought some new sketching pencils all diffrent sizes, still figuring out whats best for what

been thinking also about how much its been bothering me recently that certian people don't like me
i want to be liked, because i want normal relationships and friendships, i think this is normal im sure that some people really don't care but i think others who say they don't care do care deep down because its human nature to want to not be completly alone and actually have interaction in a positive way..

i realised that the people i actually have respect for and like, like me back,
the people that i just don't get and who seem to never see past the end of there nose are the people that don't like me, i don't hate them, i just don't understand how they can be so stuck in one mind set, and i guess i shouldn't care if they like me or not because im never going to really enjoy interacting with them anyway, there mindset will just frustrate me.

what i find extreemly difficult is pretending,
the polite chit chat that people have thats fake, just to keep the peace, why talk to me at all if u have such a low opinion of me why pretend to be nice when deep down your judging me. It seems so pointless and it makes it hard to figure out who is for real and who isn't.

so im thinking maybe i should just tell them next time they approuch me that i know that you don't like me so fuck off out my face cos i can't be bothered with your fake small talk

that would be really satifying,

see now my tempter is already going into overdrive so i guess i should stop thinking along those lines... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23202616/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23202616/ Sat, 14 Feb 2009 18:46:28 PST

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4:
"with alarming regularity , though. I snorted, my fingers

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you reach?
My speaker

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
startrek

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
about 2am?


5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
its 2.30am which is a really really good guess for me cos normally i have very little idea of time

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
the TV which we left on for the dogs, chris walking around and my dogs walking around.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I stepped out of a car to get into my house.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Travian

9. What are you wearing?
pink shoes, blue jeans a retro top white bra pink pants, a green glow in the dark arm band and my black cardigan then comfort one that i seem unable to leave behind no matter where i go, a beaded bracelet, a bandgag, and my engagment ring.

10. Did you dream last night?
yes and it wasn't a nice dream cos i woke up screaming sevral times but can't remember why


11. When did you last laugh?
I laughed in the car on the way home from a club.

12. What are on the walls of the room you are in?
lots of pictures of artwork,


13. Seen anything weird lately?
define weird i see weird all the time


14. What do you think of this quiz?
i liked the first question


15. What is the last film you saw?
7 pounds.


16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
pay for IVF
pay for my wedding
id get lipso sucktion on my entire body, and get my chin made bigger,
id give lots of money to the people who have done nice things for me, even small things that seem insignificant but mean a lot,
id give money to the project i work for and for my clients
id give money to the cat and dog home
and the RSPSA and PDSA
id start up a support centre for abuse survivors and help for self harmers
id give money to the psychiatric hospital
id visit africa



17. Tell me something about you that I don't know about.
I think that people who have the link to my deviant art know a lot of stuff about me that most other people don't
what you might not know ...
I have moments of utter terror at the thought of my dogs or chris being hurt or killed, it can make me cry just thinking about it.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would take out all the people in the world that are sick and enjoy hurting people.


19. Do you like to dance?
Jess likes to dance which means i guess i do like to dance, but Jess is only 1 of 8,
lily likes to dance but normally alone when nobody is looking.

20. George Bush:
a big bit dumb


21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Lily


22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Andrew


23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
not permanently i like scotland


24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the Pearly Gates?
Well i don't believe in god in that way,
but if i did
id hope hed say sorry for giving u such a shit childhood,



25.Tag five people who must also do this in THEIR journal:
IM not going to tag people to do this cos not everyone has the time or cares, but im curious and would love to see what some people answer

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23178582/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23178582/ Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:39:47 PST
im sick of people
and the way things work
it seems to be that the more scheeming and bitchy you are the more friends you have and the more popular you are, WHAT THE FUCK is that all about!!!!!

I realise that what some people hate to see in others is Congrance and honesty, the people who feel the need to walk about with a mask of "i don't care" or "im better than you" are the ones who hate it most, prob because they can't understand why everyone is not like them!!!! I am so sick of dealing with this crap. I am honestly ashamed to be human, we are the most disgusting thing in this world, we are a cancer to this earth. Its alomst worth killing myself just so there is one less person i don't want to be a person i would rather be a tree or a plant, or a frog or bunny or even a cow and i could stand around with all the other cows and eat grass without a care in the world
that is of course until some person decides to kill me and eat me,


I get suicidal a lot, i think about it all the time, almost every day even when im happy i still think about suicide. i find it comforting, not because i think that death is going to mean i get to go into some kind of heaven or spirit world, because i really think that once i am dead im dead, there is nothing,

I find it infuriating how nieve people are, that they live in this little bubble believing that life is fine, and bad things don't happen or at least not to them, that it can't touch them.. they read bad things in the paper and say what a shame and have no idea whats really going on,
people are monsters, i feel like i have to watch my back all the time, that something really bad is just around the corner, and why shouldn't i be like that, why is it so unacceptable to think like that, why call it PTSD and make me go into therapy, because its real, bad things really do happen there are ugly nasty people who want to do ugly nasty things.

So i kind of made a pact with myself
that if i ever do finally get the guts to end my life, i might as well take out a few of those monsters on the way so before i go il pay a few people a visit, mainly all those lovley men who live in leith and are probably still hurting children and messing them up like they messed me up.

I'm back at work
and wish i wasn't, i had the back to work meeting with my boss and HR lady both of who where so very nice and understanding at the time,
they asked what reasonable adjustments can be made and i asked only one thing, that they don't put me on a 10pm finish and an 8am start becasue it messes up my medication and because iv been told that i cannot just skip a dose like i used too since im on a much higher dose now, and that will mean i have to come into work half sedated and slurring my words cos finishing at ten and getting home after 11 does NOT give me enough time to take my meds and have them worn off by the morning

so both the HR lady and my boss agree that this is a reasonable adjustment, not a problem at all infact

What shift pattern am I on secound day back
a 10pm finish and an 8am start tomorrow,
fucking great, im going to be going to work like a slurring sedated idiot, half asleep and feeling like shit -
and my manager doesn't do weekends
so there is nothing i can do i could call in sick but that would look bad, im at the stage where i don't give a fuck how i will appear at work tomorrow, if they think its not acceptable for me to be there and send me home then its there fault becuase they knew excatly what would happen and why and they agreed not to put me in this position.

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23125284/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23125284/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 16:46:57 PST or at least i am starting the process of going back to work.

Its been 3 weeks,
thats a long time, but in the past it would have been much longer, normally when i get as low as id id a few weeks ago it takes months to function normal again, so for me this is progress, my work on the otherhand aren't going to see it like that...

i have a back to work interview tomorrow
with a lady from HR and my Boss, (male manager)
when the lady from HR phoned she seemed really nice, and understanding, my manager on the other hand im scaird off, because he has the ability to make me feel sick just by looking at me.

I'm really really wishing id just told the doctor to give me the 2 week line instead of insisting i try to go back this week, but i really didn't want to take the piss and be off any longer than i have to be and since im able to be out and about i know i am able to go to work, infact im 100 percent sure i am more than capable of doing my job again, but i don't think il do so well in this back to work interview, because im nervous and scaird and panicy and its going to show no matter how hard i try to hide it,

the lady from HR said that i shouldn't worry and that they just want to talk to me about what they can do to help me get back to work and to prevent me being off more in the future,
so what can they do to help?

nothing really... the only thing i want to ask is that they stop putting my shifts so that i finish at 10pm in the evening then start again at 8am in the morning, because it fucks up my sleep and fucks up my medication, if i take the medication as soon as i get home from work which is about 11pm, it doesn't take effect until about 12am or later, and when i wake up in the morning im extreemly groggy and slurring my words, iv coped with it, by not talking much in the morning and trying to swap my shifts about when i can...

now im on nearly double my medication, plus the extra on top when i need it so its going to be harder, is it acceptable to ask for them to not put me on this kind of shift sceduale or am i asking too much, maybe i should just get on with it. I tried taking my medication before i leave work, so that it is kicking in when im on the bus home and i have more hours between shifts for it to wear off before i start in the morning but its not a nice feeling getting 2 bus's and starting to feel sedated half way home and doing that with a stronger dose prob even harder though i haven't tried yet becuase in the house i can just go to bed when i feel i can't stay awake anymore i haven't tried to fight it to see what happens.

Regardless of what i ask for i am really not looking forward to the back to work interview, its formal and thats scary i feel like im in trouble, any hint of hostility from the manager or HR lady will most likley have be in tears, which is humilating but at the presant i seem totally unable to stop myself crying if i get emotional,

i actually spent years not crying at all
chris once wrote in one of those surveys that hed only saw me cry once in 3 years
but the past 2 years, when i finally learned how to cry i have no control over it at all, i don't think its all bad, i think it helps if i cry when i need too but i don't think a formal interview is the place for acting like a 5 year old and i know when i start i won't be able to stop.

My work know, i have mental health issues, they know i have PTSD, and symtoms of that are anxiaity and depression, they do not know that i have DID, because i really don't think they would give me a job.

I was talking to chris about this the other day, he said that someone had asked him if id ever been dignosed with DID,
I've seen a fair few therapists, and doctors and Pdoctors and therapists,
i have been formally dignosed with PTSD
and i have been through assesments to see how far along the disosiative scale i am, and i have the ability to disoisate to the extreem,
it was my therapist who told me that its DID, but agreed to keep it off my records because it would and could affect so much,
at the hospital, they keep diffrent records, that are not kept together with your normal GP records, and information is only passed on a need to know basis i am much happier with that than having DID scrawled over all of my records and thus being labelled a nutter for life, though granted chances are with everything else it wouldn't matter so much anymore.

So when i applied for this job, and i filled in a medical questionare i did not write that i had DID, i only wrote that i had complex PTSD and that i took medication for anxiaty and depression,

my work have a really really bad attatude to stress related illness in the handbook that i read about absance and sick leave it states

"Stress is not an illness!"

so i am... ]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23054374/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23054374/ Sat, 07 Feb 2009 05:56:57 PST but prob won't even attempt for at least a few years

The devils staircase Ligeti etude's.
(this actually gives me the creeps to even listen to it and starts to hurt my head after a while)

Flight of the bumblebee Nikolai Rimsky
[link]

Gaspard de la nuit
[link]
(is actually much more difficult than the bumble bee in my opinion because you have to get the technical work and the musical interpretation perfect)

Rachmaninov's 3rd concerto
[link]
and a funny story
Cyril Smith was a leading British pianist of the 1930's,40's and 50's. According to a biography I read as a student in the 1970's, Smith was performing the piece regularly as a young man when he came upon a disc (presumably a roll) of Rachmaninov himself playing it. Smith listened to the disc and concluded that he was not good enough, so he fled to his parents' home and spent 10 hours a day, for a fortnight, learning to play the piece blindfold.

I could go on but think thats enough


]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23026177/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/23026177/ Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:46:07 PST with the piano playing i feel i need to get it perfect
i blame this on my old piano teacher

I'm planning on going back to work on the 10th feb,
I thought about going back this week,
but then decided with my doctor not too, because if i went back then realised it was too soon to be back and had to go off again the company basically would see that as 2 absences in short space of time (regardless of the reason being the same). HR phoned me and they where suprisingly far more pleasant to deal with tham my manager, they said they will meet with me when i get back to see if there is anything they can change to make it easier for me to come to work, think im going to ask for only one thing, that they stop putting me on a 10pm finish and a 8am start because the lack of time to sleep really messes my head up
im also trying another new medication
i think im getting through the entire list of psychiatric medications available, i used to be scaird trying something new now i don't even care,

I know i have a few watchers who are possibily taken these types of meds so anyone got any experinece with Chlorpromazine give me a shout,
its emergency for me to take when im freaking out, or feeling extreemly paranoid
so not an everyday drug, thankfully because when i took it last night i pracrically had to scrape myself off the floor and crawl into bed where i slept for a considerable amount of time, an was still groggy in the morning,

I have a few friends who are totally against taken any kind of pill that effects your brain,
i get the feeling there are even some people that prob think that im somehow weak for not being able to cope without it, me thinking that has made me try to stop on sevral occasions, which normally result in serious consaquences. I often think i can manage without, and sometimes i can, for a week or 2 but then stuff just seems to go off in my head. I was first prescribed an anti-depressant at 16, im nearly 25 thats 9 years, kind of scary. I talked in great depth with my Pdoctor about staying on the pills or coming off them what ones im willing to take and what im not,
because i want a family every long term medication i am on the doctor would allow me to take whist pregnant, and aparently even then stopping during or before would be a bad idea. Most of the medication i take is the old school pills, because the prozac type new age crap ethier makes me manic or has no effect at all,
so the risks to womans health have been recorded for years and the people that deal with my mental health agree that it is safer for me to stay on certian ones long term. So i guess that means im not as strong as everybody else who manages to live normally without all this crap.

anyway... moving on

i had my tubes checked, (yes sounds a bit strange)
had dye injected into them to see if they where blocked and luckily becuase of all the horse traqulisers i didn't even bother, pretty much just let them get on with it without caring at all which for those kind of medical situations i would normally be extreemly anxious,

the good news is they are NOT blocked which was the expected outcome but they had to check just incase.

So another basically pointless ramble
because im bored and it helps to write here
and i am aiming to be coping well enough to go back to work on the 10th, im going out for my birthday on the 5th, which at the moment seems like a terrifying prospect but hopefully i can get back socialising and will start to feel more normal

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984 http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/22949739/ http://jrennie1984.deviantart.com/journal/22949739/ Sun, 01 Feb 2009 18:00:59 PST this is strange to explain but i wonder if im alone, if its realted to PTSD or if its soemthing thats normal for everyone to get to a degree or maybe everyone does feel like this and just cope better than me?

but sometimes i get this feeling it happens a lot in the middle of the night, its an intense uneasyness, not exactly terror, but i am afraid, i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is very very wrong
something bad is about to happen to me
that i need to do something

i can swing dramatically from this feeling to a calm feeling often a calm feeling that doesn't feel normal because its like someone is switching a light switch off and on and off an on, its VERY intense, i almost feel ill when it overcomes me and often those are the times i need to cut, because its often the only thing that will give me some relief,

it often comes with a feeling in my throat and a certian taste in my mouth my head feels like its about to explode
often i lose time when this happens (if i don't cut or do something to distract myself) and its not easy to distract myself.

anyway am i alone in this mad feeling or does anyone else get it too?

Jools

]]> ~jrennie1984