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        <title>deviantART: by:laconic-prosaic</title>
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        <pubDate>Thu, 17 Dec 2009 06:31:03 PST</pubDate>        
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                  <item>
                <title>2008</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/22218116/</link>
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                <pubDate>Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:33:24 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ I moved out.<br />I bought two hermit crabs.<br />I watched <i>Beowulf</i> eight times.<br />I saw a poor woman get hit by a bus.<br />I had to give up my art diploma to pay rent.<br />I filled my shelf full of Scandinavian literature.<br />I spent more time playing <i>Sims 2</i> than I did sleeping. <br />I even tried to enjoy beer, but it still tastes like bi-carb.<br /><br />And I'm still in love with my girlfriend.<br /><br />Here's for another interesting year.<br />*Raises a Boag.* (Better luck this time?)<br /><br />I think I'll just brew my own mead.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>... Six Months Later.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/21574406/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/21574406/</guid>
                <pubDate>Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:31:25 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ <img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Ecolings/ecolings_comingsoon.png" alt="That's all you get for now."><br /><br /></img> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Where's My PomPomCat?</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/19570276/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/19570276/</guid>
                <pubDate>Thu, 24 Jul 2008 10:04:57 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ No bees are getting in <i>this</i> airtight fortress.<br /><br />. . .<br /><br /><b>SERIES ONE</b><br /><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-LPreview3-47089122"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/00_LPR.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - LPreview3" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Continuity-47551763"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/01_CON.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Continuity" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Parasighted-48253671"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/02_PAR.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Parasighted" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Munchies-49057164"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/03_MUN.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Munchies" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Pineapples-49591727"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/04_PIN.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Pineapples" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Tradition-50105952"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/05_TRA.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Tradition" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Zhivagomania-50694129"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/06_ZHI.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Zhivagomania" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Wordless-51211122"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/07_WOR.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Wordless" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Naughty-Word-51729199"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/08_NAU.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Naughty Word" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Leet-Haxor-52798459"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/09_LEE.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Leet Haxor" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Meditation-53752365"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/10_MED.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Meditation" /></a><br /><br /><b>SERIES TWO</b><br /><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Meanwhile-59341535"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/11_MEA.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Meanwhile" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Game-Over-59844864"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/12_GAM.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Game Over" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-By-Skekko-60344719"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/13_BYS.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - By Skekko" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-No-Seriously-60889807"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/14_NOS.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - No, Seriously" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-No-Really-61666524"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/15_NOR.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - No, Really" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Imagination-62689790"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/18_IMA.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Imagination" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Indigosexual-63987249"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/16_IND.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Indigosexual" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Priscilla-64642175"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/17_PRI.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Priscilla" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Bailey-Emma-68240168"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/19_BAI.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Bailey Emma" /></a><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-North-65673213"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/20_NOR.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - North" /></a><br /><br /><b>SERIES THREE</b><br /><a href="http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/art/LACONIC-PROSAIC-Obviously-66717815"><img src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/LP3%20NewLinks/21_OBV.png" alt="LACONIC PROSAIC - Obvious... ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>No. 10 - Innumerable Ones.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/17674410/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/17674410/</guid>
                <pubDate>Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:33:20 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ According to the <i>Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge,</i> as referrenced in <i>El idioma analÃ­tico de John Wilkins</i> by Jorge Francisco Isidoro Luis Borges, animals are divided into these following classes:<br /><br /><i>1. Those that belong to the Emperor, 2. embalmed ones, 3. those that are trained, 4. suckling pigs, 5. mermaids, 6. fabulous ones, 7. stray dogs, 8. those included in the present classification, 9. those that tremble as if they were mad, 10. innumerable ones, 11. those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush, 12. others, 13. those that have just broken a flower vase, 14. those that from a long way off look like flies.</i><br /><br />That's right. This is some of the exotic knowledge I'm being <i>taught</i> in my classes. I love 4, 10 and 12. My mind has just imploded. I love it. I have to recontemplate my philosophies.<br /><br />I'll get back to you on this.<br /><br />-Dave<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Based on a True Story (Help Me)</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/17309875/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/17309875/</guid>
                <pubDate>Wed, 12 Mar 2008 23:51:27 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ <i>[For my friends living outside of Australia, Centrelink is like a welfare support agency. They help you out with a bit of money while you're studying or in financial crisis. But they're so confusing and make one wrong move and you're in debt forever.]</i><br /><br />CENTRELINK: So youÂve moved out of home?<br />DAVE: Yeah.<br />CENTRELINK: When was this?<br />DAVE: About a month ago.<br />CENTRELINK: You realise youÂre supposed to tell us within 14 days of change.<br />DAVE: Uh... Yeah. I did.<br />CENTRELINK: No, you didnÂt.<br />DAVE: Yes... Yes, I did. I filled out the change of address form you sent me. The change of address form you sent to my new house. Then I mailed it back like it said to.<br />CENTRELINK: We didnÂt receive it within 14 days.<br />DAVE: Well, no. It took 13 days just for you to send it out.<br />CENTRELINK: Centrelink takes no responsibility for Australia Post.<br />DAVE: No, I donÂt imagine you do. (You donÂt with your own shit anyway).<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: Do you want rent assistance?<br />DAVE: If possible, it would be nice.<br />CENTRELINK: Too bad.<br />DAVE: Uh... What?<br />CENTRELINK: You donÂt earn enough.<br />DAVE: Uh... Well, no... ThatÂs why IÂd like some rent assistance.<br />CENTRELINK: You need to earn over a certain amount before we can give you rent assistance.<br />DAVE: ... But if I earned that much, I wouldnÂt NEED rent assistance.<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: Are you independant?<br />DAVE: Well, I have to support myself, yeah. I guess I am.<br />CENTRELINK: No, youÂre not.<br />DAVE: IÂm not?<br />CENTRELINK: You have to earn over a certain amount to be independant.<br />DAVE: What was that? A trick question?<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: Are you aware you can report your earnings over the phone?<br />DAVE: Yeah, but we donÂt have a phoneline at my new house.<br />CENTRELINK: Then just do it online.<br />DAVE: But, I just said... Oh, never mind.<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: Have you ever been married?<br />DAVE: No.<br />CENTRELINK: Have you ever been married, but the relationship has ended because of the death of your partner due to domestic violence?<br />DAVE: What?! No! ItÂs only been six months since I was in here last. I couldnÂt have even served the time.<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: How much are your personal possessions worth altogether?<br />DAVE: I donÂt know. A hundred bucks?<br />CENTRELINK: Only a hundred dollars?<br />DAVE: IÂm an art student. I sleep on the floor, I have a plastic bag of clothing, I have one dollar in my bank account and IÂve been eating bread for every meal these past two weeks.<br />CENTRELINK: Why only bread?<br />DAVE: Well, my paints are only student grade and probably contain lead.<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: And where will this course take you?<br />DAVE: Uh... Art gallery curation?<br />CENTRELINK: How much will you be earning doing that?<br />DAVE: I donÂt know. They donÂt exactly employ non-qualified students.<br />CENTRELINK: Looks like youÂll need a qualification.<br />DAVE: Uh, yes. ThatÂs what IÂm doing.<br /><br /><br />CENTRELINK: Would you like Youth Allowance?<br />DAVE: Am I too old for that?<br />CENTRELINK: No.<br />DAVE: IÂm old enough to smoke, drink, have sex and get charged an adult fare on the bus, but IÂm still classified as Âyouth?Â<br />CENTRELINK: Is that a problem?<br />DAVE: No. No, not at all. I just find it ironic.<br />CENTRELINK: Are we going to have a problem?<br />DAVE: What? No! IÂm being agreeable! IÂm agreeable. IÂd like Youth Allowance, please.<br />CENTRELINK: Well, you canÂt<br />DAVE: Oh.<br />CENTRELINK: You have to fill out some forms.<br />DAVE: Okay.<br />CENTRELINK: WeÂll send them out to you in the post.<br />DAVE: Oh... Alright then.<br />CENTRELINK: Please send them back within 14 days. Next!<br />DAVE: Uh... How long will they take to get to me?<br />CENTRELINK: Your session has expired, sir. Next, please.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Cinnamon for Cyanide</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/16482868/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/16482868/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 19 Jan 2008 23:42:52 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ <i>Cinnamon for Cyanide</i> was a folk-punk band founded by Tobias Stormhawk in 2004, Western Australia. The initial line-up included Tobias Stormhawk on electric guitar and leading vocals, Tarra Terran also on additional electric guitar and backing vocals, Skekko Clo'vor on drums, Penny Zweig on keyboards and Sovreign Bianca on bass guitar. The band was very nearly called <i>Mechlore,</i> but Skekko remained adamant that it sounded "retarded" and so it was changed.<br />
<br />
The band played generally within Tarra's parent's garage during their first few months in existence, recording a few songs directly to computer but never releasing anything or performing in public. When last asked, Tobias replied that he still had those early recordings "somewhere on CD."<br />
<br />
Members Penny and Sovreign left in mid-2005. Sovreign moved state for an employment opportunity and to start a life with his long-time girlfriend, Anna. The couple became engaged in 2007. No reason was given for Penny's sudden departure. Skekko refused to speak on the subject, but Tobias suspected extra-terrestrial abduction. <br />
<br />
By 2006, Cinnamon for Cyanide gained two new members and a slightly changed line-up. Tobias retired solely to vocals, with Tarra remaining on guitar and backing vocals, and Skekko on drums. Newcomer Bailey O'Bane was handed the place of electric guitar, with Bailey's friend known simply as "Kaiser" taking up bass guitar. Long-time school friend of Tobias', Zjhoenn Kiyone accepted the position of keyboarding.<br />
<br />
With this line-up, Cinnamon for Cyanide gained local fans by scoring regular performance time at <i>The Green Bar</i> and the <i>Rocke 'n' Barrel</i> - the latter becoming the more notable for appearances due to the friendship between Skekko and bar owner, Lucy Rocke. It was also the site of their eventual demise.<br />
<br />
In late 2006, Cinnamon for Cyanide distributed a self-burnt album featuring their more popular songs, self-recorded. The CD was given away free to fans during one performance in December 2006. The album was also self-titled and had a track listing of seven songs including <i>Taegan</i>, <i>Knifemouth</i>, <i>Concrete</i> and <i>Grandfather's Tears</i>.<br />
<br />
In April 2007, Cinnamon for Cyanide ceased playing at The Green Bar and relied purely on the Rocke 'n' Barrel for shows - a decision that severed a great deal of fans and a mistake Tobias later said he came to regret. A second self-made album was released in the same month, titled <i>Likewise</i> and featured songs from the previous album with new additions such as <i>NecRomantic</i>, <i>Kindergoethe</i> and <i>Ewroughtic Iron</i>.<br />
<br />
Cinnamon for Cyanide's popularity slipped further with the arrival of <i>Gassing Cats</i>, a heavy metal band permitted show time at the Rocke 'n' Barrel. After the death of Lucy Rocke (rumours have it as heroin overdose), ownership fell to her partner-in-business Trey Winterman who favoured Gassing Cats. Consequently this lead to Gassing Cats receiving the majority or Cinnamon for Cyanide's show time, despite Cinnamon for Cyanide writing a Rocke-inspired ballad titled <i>Heroine.</i><br />
<br />
In August 2007, Skekko left Cinnamon for Cyanide for Gassing Cats after allegedly being involved in a brawl with Gassing Cats' drummer, Michael Acid and breaking the rival drummer's wrist. This lead to Skekko subsequently "winning" his position in Gassing Cats as new drummer.<br />
<br />
Rather than find a replacement for Skekko, the remaining members of Cinnamon for Cyanide decided to disband and "have a go at the real world for a while," pursuing alternative employment and/or study.<br />
<br />
In November 2007, Tobias and Zjhoenn played around in creating a two-person synthpop band, alternating between the working titles <i>Vanilla for Viagra</i> and <i>Copycat Synthphony</i>. As of yet, no formal commitment has been made by either member for the project.<br />
<br />
At the turn of 2008, Gassing Cats remains a favourite at the Rocke 'n' Barrel and is said to be soon releasing an album titled <i>Sarin Therapy</i>.<br />
<br />
- - -<br />
<br />
Or something like that. I just wanna draw the Laconic Prosaic characters in their band, but needed the inspiration. Maybe I got carried away.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Bah, Humbug</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/16084385/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/16084385/</guid>
                <pubDate>Mon, 24 Dec 2007 21:04:09 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ For the first time in my life I think I've actually appreciated what Christmas is about. <br />
<br />
At a certain point this year, we didn't think our Mum was going to live to see her birthday, let alone  this Christmas, but by a miracle she did. And for that I am forever greatful. It's my Mum that makes Christmas what it is.<br />
<br />
We still leave food out for Father Christmas (chocolate and bourbon - hah-hah) and the reindeer. And Mum still insists any presents waiting in the morning are from him. She's the one who knows how to make the Christmas meal a <i>real</i> Christmas meal and not just an everyday ordinary one even though it contains the same cheap on-special ingredients. She's the one, who even after 23 years, still gets me excited about Christmas even though we really can't spare the money to buy presents. She's the one that still puts that stupid cheap CD in the machine to play those awful tacky carols just for tradition. And she's still the one to dress the dog in a Father Christmas hat, even though the rest of us think he's old, deaf and smelly. (The dog, that is, not the man. Then again, who knows).<br />
<br />
Without Mum, there would be no Christmas.<br />
<br />
I have my Mum, my sisters, my girlfriend, my friends, and my health. (Actually, scratch that last one.) And that's all I really need. Of course, I do want Milo and Otis on DVD, but that can wait. I really need new glasses first as it seems my cancer is returning. >_><br />
<br />
I don't even follow the Christian faith. I follow the ÃsatrÃº faith. But I guess I still do most of the typical Christian stuff for Easter and Christmas just to humour my grandparents. Even though history writes ÃsatrÃº and Christians quite the enemy.<br />
<br />
And I'm still glad I think of my family as kind of cool. My mum has raised four kids on her own and still has a life, can drink me under the table, and even knows how to plough a farming crop. (We lived on a farm for a few years.) My sisters are... Well, you know siblings. My grandad is 71 this year and he knows more about building computers than I do, and my grandma is still "with it" - she knows all about Pokemon and Ninja Turtles. <br />
<br />
This year's Christmas is much better than the 2006 Christmas. Melody had died that November and her present was still left under the tree that year. Unopened. I didn't want to touch it. Memories still, never fading, forever resurfacing - but past. I will never return to that year.<br />
<br />
This year Father Christmas brought me the watch I'd always needed. Just one of those cheap $5 oversized Red Dot watches that you can pick up everywhere, but it's exactly what I needed. After four years of always looking at my wrist for the time, I finally have it. Just goes he <i>is</i> always listening... Like God... Or Dumbledore. (I'm convinced they're all the same person anyway.)<br />
<br />
I also recieved a full-sized poster of this poster in Victoria Frances' <i>Liberame</i> series. <a href="http://www.picturestore.com.au/images/products/medium/ESC/PP30261.jpg">[link]</a> Most people might be familiar with it, it's one of her more famous works that are floating around the net. I also go long needed socks and underwear... but I'm not posting a photo of that. >_><br />
<br />
I was going to wish all my friends a happy Christmas day, but I'm not. Instead, I wish EVERY ONE of their days happy. Or at least survivable (for too much happy gets annoying.) Because every day should be awesome. Awesome like cinnamon.<br />
<br />
~ Dave<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
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          <item>
                <title>Beowulf and Grendel</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/15543601/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/15543601/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 17 Nov 2007 06:06:45 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ What are everyone's thoughts?<br />
<br />
Personally, I am a GREAT fan of the original 5th/6th century poem. I have been ever since I saw one of those "educational cartoons" in the late 80s about the saga of Beowulf and his fight with Grendel (and later, Grendel's mother). It opened up my world, I tell you. I fell in love with Grendel more than I did with the hero, Beowulf.<br />
<br />
A year or two ago I obtained the film <i>Beowulf and Grendel</i> (made in 2005) starring Gerard Butler as Beowulf and Ingvar Eggert SigurÃ°sson as Grendel. I thought it was great. Very powerful and beautiful. Then not too long after that I watched <i>Beowulf</i> a sci-fi take on the story (made in 1999) starring Christopher Lambert as Beowulf and Vincent Hammond as Grendel. . . It was. . . cringe-worthy.<br />
<br />
So after those, I found out about the new <i>Beowulf</i> movie which was in pre-production at the time. This is the version now about to hit cinemas and is completely CGI. It stars Ray Winstone as Beowulf and Crispin Glover (yay!) as Grendel. Also stars Angelina Jolie and Anthony Hopkins and [insert any other actor's names that they facially/bodily scanned and rendered in a computer generated image program here]. It'll be plastered everywhere (already on MySpace) soon so you'll get the run-down eventually.<br />
<br />
Recently I bought the actual <i>Beowulf</i> epic poem (though, the English translation) bound as a novel. (There is also an Old Norse version I'd like to get after this English version). It's awesomely awesome - as an epic poem should be!<br />
<br />
After reading the book, and seeing the trailers (both theatrical and restricted versions) is seems the new <i>Beowulf</i> film is truer (is that even a word?) to the poem than the <i>Beowulf and Grendel</i> film. In the sense that there is no referrence to the murder of Grendel's father in the original book, and that he kills because he hates those who are capable of love (for he is a "descendant of Cain" though I suspect this may have been written into the story after the spread of Christianity throughout Pagan Scandinavia), while in the 2005 film he is a troll who kills out of revenge because King Hrothgar and his Danish warriors killed Grendel's father - showing Grendel as misunderstood and blinded by loss. I suspect creative licence and improvised backstory has been used.<br />
<br />
(However there is a storytelling [by a thrall] at the closing of <i>Beowulf and Grendel</i> referring to the Cain and Abel incident and monsters descendant of his bloodline, which includes Grendel. One of the Geatish warriors claims it's "a load of horseshit," for they know really why Grendel was killing [revenge], which brings to light the possibility that the story told today is of thrall improvisation. Again, director's creative licence, but a referrence nonetheless.)<br />
<br />
Alternatively, I don't remember any of that in the 1999 sci-fi <i>Beowulf</i> film. I think it was actually explained that Grendel was an alien life form! Or Beowulf was... Or both. Yes. Okay. Moving on. . . Either way, it was a bad attempt at a sci-fi-medieval cross genre film. But that's just my thought.<br />
<br />
Also, the story of Beowulf doesn't end with the Grendel/Grendel's mother sagas as it does in the <i>Beowulf and Grendel</i> film. Bewulf actually ends up returning home in the original poem where he finds himself having to face a dragon - which would explain why there is a dragon in the new <i>Beowulf.</i> Trolls (or so described as in <i>Beowulf and Grendel</i>), troll's mammas, vicious storms, jealous Danes and even a dragon. Epic, or what?<br />
<br />
Now, upon writing all of that - I cannot even remember where it was going to go! However, yes. The new <i>Beowulf</i> film seems more accurate to the poem. Though I think the CGI still look a little stiff and 'robotic-like' when compared to a Japanese studio's (ie; the Final Fantasy movies [but then again, Japanese excel in almost everything]), if the STORY has anything to do with success, I think it will be worth it. Neil Gaiman is one of the writers and I absolutely loved his <i>MirrorMask</i> film.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately Robert Zemeckis directed it. Don't get me wrong, he's directed/produced some alright movies in his time, but he's also made some I would buy on DVD just to drink petrol, piss on them and set them on fire. Most notably: <i>Ghost Ship, Gothika, House of Wax</i> and <i>The Polar Express.</i> (Let's hope the CGI in <i>Beowulf</i> is better than <i>The Polar Express</i>.) Yes, yes - I'm a mean bastard when I want to be (and even when I don't want to be), I'm aware of that.<br />
<br />
Though one part in the poem of <i>Beowulf</i> I read that made me dance (not literally - not one will EVAR see me dance) was the mention of a character named "Sigemund." This Sigemund is actually the main character of another epic poem I love, called <i>The Nibelungenleid</i>. It is a Middle-High German story about a... ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Dear People, Screw You</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/14881941/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/14881941/</guid>
                <pubDate>Tue, 02 Oct 2007 08:09:45 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ <b>A FEW PEOPLE WHO [HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH MY LIFE AND YET STILL MANAGE TO] PISS THE FRIGG OUT OF ME.</b> <br />
<p></p><b>That new guy at work.</b><br>The big one. The rolly one. The one that looks like he should be crawling up a building to try and get the Ghostbusters. Now listen here, Michelin Man, you do <i>not</i> call me "the camera dude," okay? You do <i>not</i> call me "the net man." You do <i>not</i> even call me "YOU!?" like Tony does. You do <i>not</i> call me cameraboy, photoman, internetkid, darkroomguy, negativebloke, aperturedude, studiodork, resolutionfreak or even George-Freaking-Eastmann of Kodak! You call me what the boss calls me. You call me what everybody at work calls me. You call me "The Photographer." Saavy? <br />
<p><b>Tom Cruise.</b><br>How I'd love to punch him right in the jaw, and more than just for the hell of it: But to ruin those perfect teeth. They say Americans have the best teeth due to dental technology. American representatives are loud, obnoxious, wear stupid hats, make bad covers of good original songs and have a tendancy to declare war with every second nation... But they have nice teeth. <i>Mission Impossible 4, starring Colgate 2-in-1, now with whitening.</i> <br />
<p><b>Clark Kent of Smallville.</b><br>As much as I love your show, I hate your choice of relationships. Lana? <i>No.</i> She's one of those beautiful girls that are so beautiful they're quite sickening. And Lois? <i>No even more!</i> She sucked in the show and she sucked played by Teri Hatcher too. And now she's a desperate housewife and you're nowhere to be seen. I know you're an alien, but isn't it obvious? Chloe was the hot one, man. She was cute, had stylish hair, had a nice smile <i>and she was intelligent!</i> *Sigh.* Alien teenagers and their space hormones. <br />
<p><b>Bela Lugosi.</b> <br>I love you, but look what happened to <i>Plan 9 from Outer Space!</i> How could you die and let Tom Mason take your place? He had different coloured hair, for Thor's sake, and they didn't even bother dying it! Still, dying while filming a movie where you were an Undead character. Touch of irony. Classy 'til the end. Long live (or, evidently not) Bela Lugosi... And Vincent Price. <br />
<p><b>Heihachi Mishima.</b> <br>Dude, can't you control a single one of your tournaments? You're all <i>"Wah, my son is a devil. I must kill him."</i> Then <i>"Gasp! My grandson is also a devil. I must harness his power."</i> Then <i>"Zomgzor, even my father is a devil! He's been half-dead under my dojo for 40 years and now he's hosting my tournament!"</i> Father: A devil. Son: A devil. Grandson: A devil. Are you sure you're not a Christian, Heihachi? Feel left out of the gene pool? Sort out your family issues, dude... And <i>what is with that hair?!</i> <br />
<p><b>Whoever wrote the radio version advert for McDonalds' new BLT</b><br>They rhyme 'bacon' with 'bacon' <i>six</i> times in <i>nine</i> lines. I think they may have rhymed it with 'makin'' once, and then with 'tasty lunchtime treat' ... which doesn't rhyme and leaves the whole tune in a sour note. There are plenty of words that rhyme with 'bacon.' Like 'Sagem' or 'Fagin' or 'scrumriffication' if you're Dr Seuss. Put them all together and <i>that</i> would be a Happy Meal. <br />
<p>And mostly, <b>The President of the United States of America.</b> <br>No, President Bush. <i>Just no.</i></br></p></br></p></br></p></br></p></br></p></br></p></br><br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>-DISCLAIMER-</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/14316036/</link>
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                <pubDate>Fri, 24 Aug 2007 08:24:50 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Upon viewing the work of Dave you are willingly (or unwillingly) agreeing to the following:<br />
<br />
A - Upon agreeing (or not agreeing) willingly (or not), Dave does not not agree to not let any, either, or none of your personal information given (or "acquired"), or similiar, or not similar, to any, or no Vikings, Trolls, pickles, and/or nor chameleons... or not. Happy viewing!<br />
<br />
2 - Any comments left (or extracted) are purely (or unpurely) the personal (or public, where applicable) views and beliefs (or non beliefs) of the commenter (or commenter-ess), and as such the commentee (Dave) is held not responsible (because he never is) for any offence taken (or stolen [or faked]) by other commentees. Feel free to comment!<br />
<br />
D - With Point D standing (or physically enforced, where needed), "faved" works of Dave's does not mean ownership [of said faved work] is forfieted to you (no not you; the other guy). If in the case (or outside of the case) Point D broken by a faver (or favour [or flavour even]), ownership of the faver's work (and wife) is forfiet to Dave (even if he does not want either). Thank you for your faves! <br />
<br />
TAPIR - If this disclaimer is breached by fault of Dave and/or your intelligence quotient is lowered (or heightened) as a result of viewing Dave's work, Dave will reluctantly refund your IQ (and/or life [with mumbled apology]) to the price equal of (or lower than) three-and-a-little-bit cents or a potato. Time wasted viewing Dave's work will not be refunded.<br />
<br />
# - Dave can change the rules whenever he wants to.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Madelynn.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/13897976/</link>
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                <pubDate>Fri, 27 Jul 2007 08:36:55 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ She died and I did nothing to save her.<br />
<br />
She told me she <i>had</i> to die. Told me things would be better when she was gone. That balance would be restored and the world would be safe once more. She said she had dreamed it - seen it within her sleep - and that it was inevitable. She told me he had to die.<br />
<br />
She must have been scared. She <i>must</i> have been - even though she had been smiling so lovingly. The smile I remember now still. She couldn't move - trapped within the nightmarish contraption that sought to train her. Surrounded by her shadowed spectres. Her demons that waited greedily for her liberated soul. Surrounded - yet ultimately alone.<br />
<br />
She told me she had to die. But she was wrong. She didn't have to die. Not at ten years old. She could have lived. Could have grown up, married, had kids and eventually died naturally - old and loved. She could have lived if only <i>I</i> had taken her place.<br />
<br />
But I didn't. And she died. Right there. In pain. Alone.<br />
<br />
The worst thing was: I never found out her real name.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
<i>There is a scenario in my head right now. I don't know what is going on. Was this real? Was I real? Was nothing real? Or was everything? Would you forgive me if I told you that you were just make-believe?</i><br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>EMERGING.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/13339385/</link>
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                <pubDate>Thu, 14 Jun 2007 07:23:50 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ EMERGING.<br />
<br />
My TAFE class is holding our exhibition of artworks for Semester One 2007 at The Junction Gallery, Midland Tafe, Lloyd Street Campus (N Block). The exhibition compiles a collection of works from the students of Certificate III in Visual Arts and Contemporary Craft. (Or "a flashy name for a simple pottery class" as my ex-employment advisor once told me. Yeah, well now you can shutthefuckup Matthew, you fuck-faced-fucking-fucking-fuckfuckfuckFUCKKNUCKLE.) ... Ahem.<br />
<br />
We all had our own part in effectuating this show, such as morning tea preparation, newspaper advertising, framing, mounting and positioning of works, cleaning and cataloguing. I, myself, designed and hung the advertising posters and handouts.<br />
<br />
Included in the exhibitions are works from my friends - Arlina, Marini, Leanne, Hannah, Suzanne, Chianne, Katie, Matilda, Renae, Sarah, Trish, Margaret, Caroline, Helen, Ena, Tracey, Shelley, Jenny, and Teresa. And I suppose, of course, myself - Dave. (Yes, I am the only guy in the class, thank you for pointing that out.)<br />
<br />
Also, the exhibition could not have gone ahead without the sharing of knowledge, support and assiduous do-this-do-that of our lecturers - Nick, Mary, Angela, Coralie, Bronwin, Peter, and Mike the Technician.<br />
<br />
So, like, and yeah. It runs until about the 6th of July. Go check it out, maybe. Possibly. Naturally. Spontaneously. Hypothetically. Irreprehensibly. Or not.<br />
<br />
Mum, that includes you. Mum, get a Devart account.<br />
<br />
NB: The photographs were taken with my friggweedy little cameraphon and as such do not give the artworks one ounce of justice.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/01-EmergingPoster.jpg">A piddly little version of the poster on The Junction Gallery window for the Emerging exhibition.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/02-JunctionGallery.jpg">The Junction Gallery. (Before the official opening).</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/03-MarysSpeech.jpg">During Mary's speech at the official opening of Emerging.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/04-ModicubismSeries.jpg">From left to right: <i>Keeping Secrets</i> by Arlina, <i>Untitled</i> by Helen, <i>Untitled</i> by Margaret, <i>Rich Simplicity</i> by Caroline, <i>Inside Outside</i> by Margaret, <i>[Zjho]Cinophae</i> by Dave, <i>Nishta</i> by Leanne and <i>Valhalla's Melody [V02]</i> by Dave.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/05-ArliniasFlorisbyArlina.jpg"><i>Arlinias Floris</i> by Arlina. (It reminds me of a Triffid. Spookular!) ^_^</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/06-RichSimplicitybyCaroline.jpg"><i>Rich Simplicity</i> by Caroline.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/07-ZjhoCinophaebyDave.jpg"><i>[Zjho]Cinophae</i> by Dave. (It's painted with coffee.)</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/08-NishtabyLeanneMelodybyDave.jpg"><i>Nishta</i> by Leanne and <i>Valhalla's Melody [V02]</i> by Dave.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/09-WatercolourandCharcoalInstallmen.jpg">Watercolour and Charcoal Installments.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/10-BreakfastbyChianne.jpg"><i>Breakfast</i> by Chianne.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/11-Inside-OutsideInstallments.jpg">Inside/Outside Installments.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/12-SymbolPaintingInstallments.jpg">Symbol Painting Installments.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/13-CollagetoWatercolourInstallments.jpg">Collage to Watercolour Installments. (I must photograph the rest of these.)</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/14-CollagetoWatercolourbyArlina.jpg">Arlina's Collage to Watercolour Piece.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/15-CollagetoWatercolourbyLeanne.jpg">Leanne's Collage to Watercolour Piece.</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/16-CollagetoWatercolourbyDave.jpg">Dave's Collage to Watercolour Piece. (Cyber-Jesus?)</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d9/Tobias_Stormhawk/Emerging%20Exhibition/17-PastelStillLif... ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
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          <item>
                <title>Those Five Elements.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/13195417/</link>
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                <pubDate>Sat, 02 Jun 2007 22:25:41 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ I found this exercise in a book at TAFE while in my art course. <br />
<br />
I briefly checked it out, and skipped onwards. However, it continued to enter my mind during the course of the day and I found myself making lists and descriptions of the things it asked until I, unfortunately, found it quite entertaining to put them into words and meanings.<br />
<br />
Sadly, only the title of the exercise kept in my mind as I really wasn't paying attention to the body of text and what the exercise was actually used for. I hope I can find that book again, though I dont recall the cover or title of it.<br />
<br />
But try thinking on this exercise yourself - you may find it entertaining and insightful to your own mind, as I did. Then again, maybe I'm just a loser with too much thinking-time on his hands while he paints. (My answers are below. Call them lame if you wish, but I like them and that's what counts).<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
<b>FIVE ELEMENTS YOU ENJOY IN LIFE, THAT OTHERS IN YOUR CLASS MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED. (Try to exclude things like movies, television, bands and other pre-imagined fabrications).</b><br />
<br />
1. I love <b>coffee rings and stains</b> - especialy unintentional ones. Such as in the morning, after a monotonous night of slaving away over and assignment in tiredness and frustration, only then to notice the beauty of the stains and finding I like them moreso than the assignment I had completed.<br />
<br />
2. <b>Storms</b>, but only when they unleash the might of rain, wind, thunder and lightning together in a poem so ferocious and terrifying that I just want to hide under the bed covers - if only I wasn't standing in the storm feeling that power flow through me.<br />
<br />
3. <b>The smell of rain</b> in the warm air before a storm, as if the very essence of the soil itself is rising to meet the clouds before being dashed into the ground again. That heavy earthy scent, that fills your mind with both calm and excitement, and then disappears without a trace.<br />
<br />
4. Almost every variation <b>the colour green</b> offers - especially the ones found in nature. From the lush emerald greens of our past rolling farm paddocks dotted with yellow flowers and grey rocks, to the deep greens of the moss and washed-out pastel green of the lichen clinging to those stones. From the dark and ominous greens of the old forests down South, to the ethereal grey-green tint of the midnight mist that surrounds those trees.<br />
<br />
5. And now from something completely different: The constant battle of heavy versus light in <b>the euphoria through inhaling nitrous oxide.</b> How one's body feels as if it is made from lead and how the illusion can be broken by simply moving a hand. The weightlessness of the mind while under and how I catch meaningless pieces of conversation from the "outside world" while my inner eye is preoccupied on more important things - like the repeating patterns of tessellations, rotating in the darkness.<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
<b>In other news: LACONIC PROSAIC 3 - returning soon.</b><br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
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          <item>
                <title>That's Shakespeare, that is.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/12280583/</link>
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                <pubDate>Thu, 22 Mar 2007 06:47:08 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ This is Dave.<br />
<br />
This is Dave missing his bus.<br />
<br />
This is Dave waiting for two hours for the next service up the hill because Transperth refuses to believe there are actually people living up there who <i>aren't </i> dying retirees.<br />
<br />
See Dave trying to politely explain to a drunken Aboriginal that he isn't carrying any change at all because he uses a Smartrider card?<br />
<br />
Run, Dave, run.<br />
<br />
This is Dave - now with a black eye - waiting for one hour and thirty-seven minutes for the next service up the hill.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Dear Customer, Back Off.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/11877235/</link>
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                <pubDate>Mon, 19 Feb 2007 05:28:32 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ The main types of customers I encounter during working that absolutely piss me off. (A followup of <i>Bitchblog</i> andÂ <i>Dear Customer, Get Bent.</i>)<br />
<br />
<b>The Barnacle.</b><br />
The kind of browser who has the entire store to walk around in, but has a fascination (possibly a fetish) of standing directly behind me while I'm trying to shoot. Can they not see I am photographing? Can they not even wait six seconds until I've stepped out of the way again? Their hovering presence as they breathe over my shoulder unnerves me! My fingers begin to twitch (either out of frustration or just wanting to take the camera and smash it into their catatonic face) and this blurs my photographs.<br />
<br />
Dude, you're not a pedestrian. This is not a footpath. You can't just stand wherever you want when I'm on duty! Are they so insecure with themselves that they have to connect themselves to me just so they feel more comfortable browsing over their stupid little plastic ship<br />
<br />
Though, I suppose they're not nearly as annoying as the ones who decide to stand <i>in front</i> of the camera.<br />
<br />
<b>The Crimestopper.</b><br />
The person that stops and watches me intently for five minutes before asking, "Do you work here?" (It happens at least twice a day.)<br />
<br />
"No," I reply. "You see, I am very poor. I cannot afford to have a hobby. I cannot afford to buy these models. Therefore I stand in this shop all day photographing the products so I can take the pictures home to look at and pretend that I am able to afford to build this model ship. And, yes, I am aware of the fact I am using a $900 camera and wearing clothes from Myer."<br />
<br />
In truth, I reply, "yes." And still they stare at me, pause in the aisle as if they're contemplating running to tell the boss.<br />
<br />
Oh, and the mothers shield their children from me. Because their podgy little sunburnt hobgoblin they have in tow is just so erotic.<br />
<br />
<b>The Spoilt Brat.</b><br />
The Let's-Be-An-Oblivious-Moron kind of person. Sits on the floor in the aisle for half-an-hour. Opening boxes right in front of the sign that says <i>"Do not open boxes."</i> I suppose it doesn't really annoy me a I don't get any reward pay for replorting it to the boss, but this is MY STORE! . . . The fact that most of them are three years old is beside the point.<br />
<br />
Kids. . . I hate kids too.<br />
<br />
<b>The FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCKFUCKKNUCKLE.</b><br />
I hate this guy. The guy in a blue singlet and hidiously short hair, who looks like he murdered his last girlfriend for not rubbing oil into his overpumped biceps.<br />
<br />
"Where is a FW190D-9 JV44?" He asks. Dave looks helplessly along the shelf of tanks he is part-way through photographing. "No!" The wife-basher shouts. "It's a plane!"<br />
<br />
"Well, go look in the friggen PLANE section instead of standing in the TANKS section for a start!" I want to scream. But I can't because he's the Holden-vs-Ford kinda blockhead who believes he is superior because he is the customer. Or the "cussamah" as the cancer in his English makes him say.<br />
<br />
He's the big burly man buying toys of which he probably takes home to toss off over the little pilots in the "Cock Pit."<br />
<br />
<b>The Last Straw.</b><br />
Straight after saying 'I don't know. I just take the photographs,' to the FuckKnuckle, another bloke standing directly behind him asks the exact same kind of question - And I damn well know he registered every part of the previous conversation (including the part where I was flailing my arms wildly in exasperation)!<br />
<br />
I don't know. I don't know! I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS! I'm just the photographer! Wandering back and forth with a list of codes and a weary expression on my face, do I look like I know where anything is? Am I wearing a blue jacket with the company logo stitched on it, and underneath it - a plastic tag with my name followed by "Customer Service?" Do I look like I know anything about cars when I jus recorded the MiniCooper 1275S Mk.1 as "<i>The Green One</i>?!?!"<br />
<br />
. . . No.<br />
<br />
Forgive my sarcasm. Rant over.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
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          <item>
                <title>My Memories of Sun.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/11851027/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/11851027/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 17 Feb 2007 05:46:45 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ The sun shines in my eyes.<br />
At the breakfast table when I don't eat.<br />
Mother shouting. Father omnipresent.<br />
<br />
The chills that I feel.<br />
And it's not even winter.<br />
Snow in my heart. Frost in my hair.<br />
<br />
Night.<br />
And the sun still shines in my eyes.<br />
My uncle is dead.<br />
Pasta, slimy and inedible in my mouth.<br />
I was never a good cook.<br />
<br />
Smells of oils. Scents of herbs.<br />
Rust and must and that frigging cat.<br />
Scratches of childhood.<br />
And the lines in the pine bench.<br />
<br />
She shuffles like an old woman.<br />
At twice my age, she's seen the world form.<br />
All that is, and all that will be.<br />
The clock, no batteries, and still too loud.<br />
<br />
The sun shines in my eyes.<br />
Dust motes in the light.<br />
Catnip. Lime. Fern. Ivy. Mould.<br />
The green too vibrant with the brown.<br />
<br />
The ocean so far away.<br />
I've never even seen it.<br />
The telephone no longer rings.<br />
Where has the day gone?<br />
Where have they all gone?<br />
So surreal.<br />
<br />
Cobblestoned flooring.<br />
Oven coals stir.<br />
The heavyness of the afternoon.<br />
He will be at the door soon.<br />
Almost time to hide.<br />
<br />
The wind smells of grass.<br />
And the radio, something from 1950.<br />
It's not my time.<br />
It will never be my time.<br />
Or so she says. No dinner tonight.<br />
<br />
But that's alright.<br />
Because the sun still shines in my eyes.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Valhalla's Melody.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/11430433/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/11430433/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sun, 14 Jan 2007 04:40:10 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ <b>Valhalla's Melody.</b><br />
<br />
<i>And a little melody did sound 'yond Asgard's gate.<br />
From 'yond Bifrost and Midgard and Yggdrasill even.<br />
And fall upon the ear of the Allfather Odin, it did.<br />
"Beautiful," He declared, and the Aesir did agree-ed.<br />
Twas a song from Valhalla... Twas a song for you.</i><br />
<br />
To Bri.<br />
To all my friends and family.<br />
And to little Melody - Rest in peace.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>And then. . .</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/10932727/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/10932727/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sun, 03 Dec 2006 05:17:16 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ I have two biersteins.<br />
I have two biersteins.<br />
I have two biersteins.<br />
Hey, hey, hey!<br />
<br />
And thanks to Bri for my 200th pageview.<br />
And today I got taken to Wags Day.<br />
And it was at the Shenton Park Dog Refuge.<br />
And that's where Bri works.<br />
And I want to work at the Cat Haven.<br />
And I'm allergic to cats, so that's a bummer.<br />
And I went to a party on Friday (at my place).<br />
And I got smashed. Naturally.<br />
And Bri came.<br />
And Amy.<br />
And another Amy.<br />
And that's about all I can remember.<br />
And then something else happened.<br />
And then I got sand in my shoes from the beach.<br />
And I watched the new Willy Wonka for the first time.<br />
And, actually, I don't think this is in cronological order.<br />
And, anyway, who really cares?<br />
And I helped a friend at TAFE when she was sad.<br />
And speaking of TAFE, exams are on Wednesday.<br />
And I haven't even gotten all the work finished.<br />
And I don't even know if I'll pass, but, oh well.<br />
And there's a TAFE party on Thursday.<br />
And I gotta buy food so I don't look like a stinge.<br />
And there's a pool party on Saturday.<br />
And I hate the sun.<br />
And the water. But I hate the sun more.<br />
And I bought some boardshorts specially.<br />
And they're green, because I couldn't find purple ones.<br />
And I miss my MacGyver DVDs because Jess has them.<br />
And Jess is cool, so I guess it's alright in the end.<br />
And we might be getting broadband next year!<br />
And that's what she said when I wanted a cat: "Next year."<br />
And that's what I said when she wanted me to clean my room.<br />
And it's my birthday on Tuesday, so what if I get one then?<br />
And I have to work (maybe), but I don't want to.<br />
And I REALLY want a cat now.<br />
And, and, and. . .<br />
<br />
And that's about it really.<br />
<br />
[DAVE//TOBIAS//STORMHAWK]<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Dear Customer, Get Bent.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/10785342/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/10785342/</guid>
                <pubDate>Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:35:06 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Dear customer,<br />
<br />
In reply to your comments about the photographer of the Stanbridge's website being a "dickhead" for he has not yet taken a photograph of your desired model, and that he "does not work fast enough," I have taken the time to assure your complaint is being taken into "consideration."<br />
<br />
Please forgive my agitation, for the photographer's task is a one-person job you should understand that the entire product index consists of over <b>10 000 items.</b> Thats over <b>10 000 single photographs</b> (at least).<br />
<br />
Having said that, approximately <b>150 photographs</b> of singular stock are taken each day. That's <b>4.5</b> fully stacked shelves. Thats <b>300 photographs</b> for a two-day casual week (<b>8.5</b> fully stacked shelves). And thats about <b>600 photographs a pay</b> with at least <b>24 hours work.</b><br />
<br />
That would mean I would do roughly <b>1 200 a month.</b> Or, correct me if Im wrong, <b>15 600 a year.</b> That would take around <b>15 months</b> - or <b>1 year and 3 months</b> - to complete all <b>10 000 photographs.</b><br />
<br />
However this is only going by a calculation of <b>1 photograph for each 3.5 minutes</b> (including the time for locating, recording, placing, focusing, levelling, shooting, downloading, coding, cropping, editing, transferring <i>and</i> uploading to the websites image server.)<br />
<br />
This excludes the time it takes to update the website's image photograph archive, and rebuilding the stores product index database. (Also excludes any public holidays).<br />
<br />
And this may sound stupid to you, dear customer, but sometimes I need to pee. Sometimes I need to break. Sometimes I need to have lunch. And sometimes  <i>just sometimes</i>  I need to breathe.<br />
<br />
As you can see, dear <i>cus-tom-er,</i> it may take a little time to have gotten around to photographing your model. (Excluding the fact I sought out your desired product and you had better be satisfied to know it was on the <i>second-next bloody shelf.</i>)<br />
<br />
I am not a robot. And even if I were, I would still tell you to go 0100101101 yourself.<br />
<br />
Yours sincerely,<br />
<br />
[DAVE TOBIAS STORMHAWK]<br />
<br />
PS - My maths sucks.<br />
PPS - Screw you.<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Bailey. Oh, Little Bailey.</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/10267921/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/10267921/</guid>
                <pubDate>Tue, 03 Oct 2006 06:02:26 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ "Good people go to Heaven to be forever protected by God, and live a happy afterlife," my mother had told me on numerous occasions to get me to behave. "Bad people go to Hell to be forever tortured."<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
My father was the unconquerable rage festering within the souls of men. My mother was the grey line of despair between day and night - always just beyond reach.<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
"Why does God let daddy hurt us sometimes?" I remember once asking. "Sometimes bad things just happen to good people," mother had replied. "Are we good people?" I had asked. But I remember no answer.<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
My sister, my sanity. A girl named Tarra, born three years prior to me, was the only person I could truly confide in. With her red-ginger hair she seemed like the girl with a hot passion for love, yet realistically she was an antisocial artist trapped inside an unfinished masterpiece.<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
Without warning, Wreck thrust herself at me like a Viking Berserker. Grabbing me roughly by my upper arm, she brought her face to mine in a look that would make a Doberman piss itself in fright. Her eyes were narrowed into slits and her mouth twisted into a scowl of abhorrence. I could smell her sour breath.<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
At once my father was upon his feet and had slapped me in return so harshly my head snapped sideways. My face stung. An eye for an eye. Before I had regained my senses, he had grabbed a handful of my long dark brown hair. He ignored my pleas and whimpers. Mercilessly he shoved me into my dark bedroom where I sprawled upon the carpet. He pulled the door shut. "Happy birthday, whore."<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
Mother collapsed against the glass breaking down into tearful sobs. My mother distraught, my father livid; why wasnt I upset? Was I in shock? Tarra, though broken and bruised as if she had fallen down the harsh mountains from my dream, still had a look of peace upon her raw face. She looked as if she was simply sleeping despite the collection of silver instruments and one bulky machine that stood next to her hospital bed emitting constant beeps and a continuous hissing sound.  And though the heart-wrenching scene pained me  grief, fury and angst piercing my very heart and soul  why was I unable to cry?<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
Maybe I should have stayed to honour the last day of my sisters existence  sitting in an uncomfortable function-hall with tasteless finger-food and people who didnt even know who Tarra was. Yes, they knew who my sister was, but they didnt know what she was. She was my morning ray of hope, which gave me strength to face each new day. She was my goodnight kiss to help me sleep safely and know that shed be there when I awaken. She was my confident, my strength, my link to sanity and a reason to live. Without her I was nothing, but everyone at the hall was even less.<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
"When good people die, they got to Heaven. When bad people die, they go to Hell," my mother told me. My sister told me otherwise. "When people die, they just die." I know which one I believe in, and which one I wish was true. If when you die, all you see is darkness... then I must have died long ago...<br />
<br />
. . .<br />
<br />
<i> - (Excerpts from "Bailey" by Dave/Tobias Stormhawk.)</i><br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>NO ONE NOWHERE - (Prt 3)</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/7738449/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/7738449/</guid>
                <pubDate>Wed, 15 Feb 2006 05:30:28 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ 29JAN2006<br />
<br />
BAILEY: Landline! The reception's got to have a landline phone!<br />
TOBIAS: I'm not going out there for anything!<br />
BAILEY: C'mon. It's morning. We can phone for help.<br />
TOBIAS: Alright. But only a quick look. No phone - no Tobias.<br />
BAILEY: Thank you! There's got to be a phone! We'll be saved.<br />
TOBIAS: Nice optimism. The service has probably been cut.<br />
BAILEY: Sorry, what?<br />
TOBIAS: Nothing. . . This mist. It's enveloping everything.<br />
BAILEY: It's like a mystical blanket covering the land.<br />
TOBIAS: And shrouding us from civilisation.<br />
BAILEY: Stop being so negative. Come on.<br />
<br />
30JAN2006<br />
<br />
TOBIAS: The reception front is so dilapidated.<br />
BAILEY: The adjacent water tower has fallen in on it. That's why.<br />
TOBIAS: It stinks in here. Like rotting wood. It's so grimy.<br />
BAILEY: Stop complaining. Oh no. It looks like theres no phone.<br />
TOBIAS: That equals no me. Even this map is too decayed to read.<br />
BAILEY: Hey! The door to the innkeeper's bedroom.<br />
TOBIAS: Yeah. Woo-hoo. Let's get out of here.<br />
BAILEY: No! There could be a phone in there.<br />
TOBIAS: Alright. . . The door's jammed. Give me a hand. Push!<br />
<br />
31JAN2006<br />
<br />
TOBIAS: Bailey, check this out. The notice board.<br />
BAILEY: Hey, woah. . .<br />
TOBIAS: So many newspaper clippings. Photos. This is insane.<br />
BAILEY: "Red-Eyed Creature Kills Again."<br />
TOBIAS: "Child Disappearances: Creature Blamed."<br />
BAILEY: "Jonathon Bridgewood, 21, Abducted by Creature?"<br />
TOBIAS: "Large 'Shadow Animal' Sighted on Outskirts."<br />
BAILEY: "Moss Brook Declared as Ghost Town."<br />
<br />
02FEB2006<br />
<br />
BAILEY: ". . . blamed for the recent child abductions in the town. Once a safe town, where you could sleep with your door unlocked, the residents are now even afraid to leave their houses during the day. Hatred has descended upon old James Bridgewood, innkeeper of the Moss Brook Motel just one kilometre East of town. Rumour has it that the motel is the 'nesting ground' and centrepoint of the supernatural occurances. The abduction of Old Bridgewood's son, Jonathon, came to doubt when it was discovered that deseaced Mrs. Bridgewood was affiliated with the Craft.<br />
TOBIAS: " "My son was not a sacrifice to anything or anyone, least of all to neither the creature nor my dear wife of whom was not the 'witch' you accuse her of being." Old Bridgewood said on numerous occassions in defence. "It is both shameful and heartbreaking that a lovely town like this, in which I have lived my entire life, has deteriorated into such paranoia. I wish the authorities were more serious towards uncovering the truth in this unholy mystery."<br />
BAILEY: "Old Bridgewood was discovered murdered in his motel bedroom less than a month later. Despite what the killer(s) must have hoped, the sightings still continue. . ."<br />
<br />
06FEB2006<br />
<br />
TOBIAS: This is freaking me out.<br />
BAILEY: Woah. Look at this polaroid. It's of the eyes we saw.<br />
TOBIAS: Don't take it! Put it back! I'm not touching it!<br />
BAILEY: Old Bridgewood was blamed for this creature, I guess.<br />
TOBIAS: And he owned this place. Which means we should get going.<br />
BAILEY: He was murdered. . . In this very room.<br />
TOBIAS: Delightful. . . Let's go?<br />
BAILEY: . . . What was that noise?<br />
TOBIAS: Footsteps. . . There's someone in the bathroom!<br />
BAILEY: Shit! Who?<br />
TOBIAS: I don't care! Go! Run. RUN!<br />
<br />
13FEB2006<br />
<br />
SOPHIE: We can't leave without Deiter! He wouldn't leave us here.<br />
TOBIAS: Yes, he would!<br />
BAILEY: I really don't want to stay here another night.<br />
JOHNNY: It's too dark at night. And it's too misty during the day.<br />
BAILEY: What if the creature comes back?<br />
JOHNNY: . . . I don't know.<br />
TOBIAS: What if Deiter doesn't come back?<br />
JOHNNY: . . . I don't know.<br />
SOPHIE: Johnny!<br />
JOHNNY: Alright! At first light we look for Deiter and leave.<br />
TOBIAS: And hope he fixed the car. . .<br />
JOHNNY: On foot if need be. But we stay here tonight.<br />
BAILEY: Oh, Lord.<br />
<br />
15FEB2006<br />
<br />
BAILEY: Psst. Tobias. Shh. I can't get something out of my mind.<br />
TOBIAS: Mmm? What's that?<br />
BAILEY: Who was in the bathroom today?<br />
TOBIAS: I've tried not to think about it.<br />
BAILEY: Surely they noticed us. Why haven't they confronted us?<br />
TOBIAS: Maybe it's Old Bridgewood's ghost.<br />
BAILEY: I'm being serious.<br />
TOBIAS: So am I. Johnny and I heard footsteps last night too.<br />
BAILEY: If Old Bridgewood lived here and died in that room. . .<br />
TOBIAS: Oh, God. Who collected the clippings from after his death? ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>NO ONE NOWHERE - (Prt 2)</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/7542067/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/7542067/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 28 Jan 2006 03:17:50 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ 08JAN2006<br />
<br />
TOBIAS: Did you guys, uh, see anything last night?<br />
JOHNNY: Um. Nope. I was asleep.<br />
SOPHIE: I saw something, I think.<br />
TOBIAS: Like moving white lights?<br />
SOPHIE: More like. . . No, never mind. I'll tell you on the road.<br />
JOHNNY: You two are beginning to scare me.<br />
DEITER: Bloody chicken-wuss.<br />
<br />
20JAN2006<br />
<br />
DEITER: I checked out the car.<br />
JOHNNY: What's it like?<br />
DEITER: Probably fixable, but I need the right tools.<br />
JOHNNY: Check the shed on the north tomorrow. It's too dark now.<br />
DEITER: To hell with that! We've been here too long.<br />
JOHNNY: I don't feel safe here either - bad vibes, but -<br />
DEITER: Being in the middle of nowhere scares you? Boo-hoo.<br />
JOHNNY: Dude. . .<br />
DEITER: I'm leaving. I'll be back to pick you babies up.<br />
TOBIAS: Nothing good can come of this.<br />
<br />
22JAN2006<br />
<br />
SOPHIE: It's been two hours. He's been gone far too long.<br />
JOHNNY: Hell, I'm going after him.<br />
SOPHIE: No! You can't go out there! We can't lose you too!<br />
JOHNNY: "Lose?"<br />
TOBIAS: I vote we all stay together in this room for tonight.<br />
BAILEY: Agreed.<br />
JOHNNY: Bloody hell! There he is. . . Dude! Come back inside!<br />
SOPHIE: What a relief. It's about time.<br />
JOHNNY: . . . Holy shit!<br />
SOPHIE: What? Why are you locking the door?<br />
JOHNNY: There's someone out there! And it's not Deiter!<br />
<br />
25JAN2006<br />
<br />
JOHNNY: Hide! Get the hell down. Behind the beds.<br />
TOBIAS: Who was it, dude?<br />
JOHNNY: Don't know. . . Couldn't see. . . Not Deiter. . .<br />
BAILEY: Oh, shit!<br />
TOBIAS: Hell! At the window!<br />
SOPHIE: That's what I saw last night! It was watching us sleep!<br />
JOHNNY: Its eyes. . .<br />
TOBIAS: Glowing. . . red. . .<br />
SOPHIE: Please don't let it come in.<br />
BAILEY: This isn't real. . . This isn't real. . .<br />
<br />
28JAN2006<br />
<br />
TOBIAS: Man, you're still awake. Tell me we didn't see that.<br />
JOHNNY: We saw it alright. It's gone now.<br />
TOBIAS: When? What's the time now?<br />
JOHNNY: Hours ago. It's about 3am now.<br />
TOBIAS: Hell, and Deiter's not back yet?<br />
JOHNNY: . . . No. What do you think it was?<br />
TOBIAS: Dude, to call it a goblin or alien would sound mediocre.<br />
JOHNNY: Shh. . . Listen.<br />
TOBIAS: Christ! Footsteps. . . Deiter?<br />
JOHNNY: No, I heard them last night. But I looked and found no one.<br />
TOBIAS: Shit. They've stopped outside our door.<br />
JOHNNY: . . . Moving again. . . Down the verandah. . .<br />
TOBIAS: They've ended at the front reception.<br />
JOHNNY: We're out of here tomorrow. Deiter, or no Deiter. ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>NO ONE NOWHERE - (Prt 1)</title>
                <link>http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/7306771/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://laconic-prosaic.deviantart.com/journal/7306771/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 24 Dec 2005 08:01:01 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ 14DEC2005<br />
<br />
SOPHIE:	We're lost, aren't we?<br />
JOHNNE:	No, no. I just don't know where we are.<br />
SOPHIE:	Which means we're lost.<br />
JOHNNY:	No, no. We're just temporarilly misplaced on the map.<br />
TOBIAS:	You said it was a short-cut.<br />
JOHNNY:	No. . . I said. . . No. It was. . .<br />
DEITER:	You said it was a bloody short-cut!<br />
<br />
15DEC2005<br />
<br />
JOHNNY:	Shit! What the hell was that?<br />
SOPHIE:	What? What was what?<br />
BAILEY:	It looked like a cat!<br />
JOHNNY:	No cat makes me crash! That was the size of a panther!<br />
DEITER:	Looked like a bloody shadow to me.<br />
TOBIAS:	So our car's wrecked. We have no reception. Now what?<br />
JOHNNY:	. . . We walk.<br />
<br />
17DEC2005<br />
<br />
JOHNNY:	I don't see any alternative. We've got to stay here.<br />
DEITER:	Then what?<br />
JOHNNY:	At light, we go back and see if the car is fixable.<br />
DEITER:	Screw it. I'm doing it now. I ain't staying here.<br />
JOHNNY:	The hell you are! It's almost dark. You'll get lost!<br />
SOPHIE:	Guys. This place spooks me out big time.<br />
TOBIAS:	Run down motel, middle of nowhere, surrounded in mist -<br />
BAILEY:	Looks like it's haunted.<br />
TOBIAS:	- What's not to be spooked about?<br />
<br />
20DEC2005<br />
<br />
SOPHIE:	Separate rooms?<br />
DEITER:	You make me stay here - I demand my privacy.<br />
BAILEY:	I'm not staying alone tonight.<br />
TOBIAS:	I'll stay with you.<br />
DEITER:	No suprises there.<br />
TOBIAS:	You know, you're really beginning to get on my nerves!<br />
JOHNNY:	Guys, quiet. It's only for one night.<br />
DIETER:	One night too many.<br />
TOBIAS:	I've always wanted to break-and-enter.<br />
BAILEY:	I bet you never imagined it to a place like this.<br />
<br />
25DEC2005<br />
<br />
TOBIAS:	Bailey?<br />
BAILEY:	Mmm?<br />
TOBIAS:	Bailey, wake up. Look out the window!<br />
BAILEY:	. . . What the hell is that?<br />
TOBIAS:	White lights of some sort. . . Moving. . .<br />
BAILEY:	Headlights! Someone is here!<br />
TOBIAS:	No. There's no engine sound. Something weird. . .<br />
BAILEY:	Christ!<br />
TOBIAS:	Hell! Hide! I did not just see that!<br />
BAILEY:	. . . Angels. . . ]]></description>
                <author>~laconic-prosaic</author>
            </item>
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