http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:laily&section=today deviantART RSS for by:laily en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 16 Dec 2009 07:18:06 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/13263561/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/13263561/ Fri, 08 Jun 2007 09:52:00 PDT
]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9918310/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9918310/ Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:14:56 PDT It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9707072/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9707072/ Sat, 12 Aug 2006 21:22:58 PDT Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you



]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9643151/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9643151/ Tue, 08 Aug 2006 08:28:25 PDT


]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9344347/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9344347/ Tue, 11 Jul 2006 14:13:16 PDT
i'm sure you know how difficult it'd be; you've done it, and you're still handling it.

Last Sunday i went to see this first place by myself in the morning. i didn't really want anyone to come with me, even though i know i'll probably be really irrational about the house. it wasn't a new place since i only have so much budget, but when i first got in the door, saw the nice morning sunlight splashed all over the living on the hardwood floor, i was thrilled. i remembered the time i went to see houses with you i was like that too. i'd like every single place. if i could i'd just told him that i want the place. but i know i can't since i don't know anything about condos and you've hearing all those horror stories of leaking apartment and nasty problems they have.

so i was trying to be cool, ask whole bunch of questions that my friends and realter had been reminding me of. but i know in my head every nerve is buzzing "i want the place i want the place i want the place!!!" it's not as big as your apartment; it's about 750 sqft, one bedroom. but compare to those new condos which is only 500 sqft, it is much bigger and comfortable. it has a big bedroom and equipped kitchen, nice size balcony where i can place a bistro set there. i'd imagined all these things in that short 10 minutes visiting.

i didn't go for that one after all though. people had been telling me it's a leaking condo since they're going to fix the balcony for every unit soon, and that means i'll have to spend a lot more money after i move in. the market is cooling down so there is no hurry to get a place now. make sure my new job is completely secured and i can afford the mortgage for the next 25 years. lots of reasons seem to slow down this process. but i've had my mind made up though. i'm still checking the real estate site everyday, and ask one of my mom's realter friend to look for me.

the other day i was watching tv and they're showing these incredible places in russian and it made me think that once i get a place, i won't be able to travel anywhere i want for a while since most of my money will go towards it. i wanted to do so many things at the same time, such as my new job, i've seen whole bunch of different technologies in the printing field and i'd wishing i could handle everything, know what i'm doing right away. But i've only started a month so far and i'm just a little junior graphics designer. sometimes i just feel there is so little time for everything.


sigh, i've talked too much during this lunch break. i hope you're getting better. you have to have to take better care of yourself so you won't get it again... the other night my stomach was going crazy and i couldn't sleep the whole night. i don't know how can you handle that if it happens often.

anyway, i'm going to keep looking, and hoping i'll find my place soon.

going back to work. take care.



]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9233908/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9233908/ Fri, 30 Jun 2006 16:00:11 PDT want to know if you're getting better
i've been doing well for the new job... at least i think i am.
i'm also thinking about getting my own place... since i'm finally paying off all my debt, i'd really liked to get a place, even it's going to be reall really tiny, but i'll really like to buy a place for myself. well, i'm going to, but it's also a long way to go before i saved enough for the down payment. but this is my goal right now



]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9187531/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9187531/ Mon, 26 Jun 2006 09:41:08 PDT Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect and easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect to bitter folks
And while your outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your staring at is me

How much is real? So much to question
And never dare make up the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen



]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9117548/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9117548/ Mon, 19 Jun 2006 16:20:09 PDT


]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9019510/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9019510/ Fri, 09 Jun 2006 14:21:14 PDT


]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9008491/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9008491/ Thu, 08 Jun 2006 12:00:21 PDT i know there is no way i can make it up and certainly change for the better
i just.. i'm sorry. i'm always afraid of you will hate me but i guess that's what i really deserve.



]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9008490/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/9008490/ Thu, 08 Jun 2006 12:00:16 PDT i know there is no way i can make it up and certainly change for the better
i just.. i'm sorry. i'm always afraid of you will hate me but i guess that's what i really deserve.



]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8996365/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8996365/ Wed, 07 Jun 2006 06:46:39 PDT

Happy Birthday..

]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8739512/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8739512/ Thu, 11 May 2006 12:02:48 PDT

i will have fun in montreal. i don't know if you'll want to see the pictures i'm going to take there. let me know ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8731529/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8731529/ Wed, 10 May 2006 15:07:33 PDT ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8590723/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8590723/ Wed, 26 Apr 2006 10:40:55 PDT
i remember you were never able to sleep

sometimes you'd go downstairs and watch TV... i did that last night

it felt so lonely. i never realize it was so lonely for you to be the only one awake in the house

i went back to bed after an hour and half TV time and stayed up for another hour. never really feel i was deep sleep.

i cry for the suffer i brought to you that i had never really understood

i cry for loneliness that i know you've known way more than i do

i cry for the familiarity and closeness; you always want to tell me every little thing about you




and i know i have absolutely no right to cry ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8325351/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8325351/ Fri, 31 Mar 2006 16:33:33 PST it's a book i can never really put back to the shelf

it's you i can never get past by ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8254338/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8254338/ Fri, 24 Mar 2006 10:13:45 PST Swim so wild and you swim so free.
Heaven above and the sea below,
And a little white whale on the go.
You're just a little white whale on the go... ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8228145/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8228145/ Tue, 21 Mar 2006 15:04:52 PST
we moved the bed on the floor and slept on it. we were talking about how we will someday end up breaking up, and i cried, so very hard.

i don't think i'll ever be so sad like that moment i had of thinking us breaking up and leaving one behind. that kind of feeling may never happen again, regardless who and how many times i have to be apart with someone else.

it's strange. but i'm so sure of it.

it's not even about if i could fall in love again; i think i will. but the sadness. the level of sadness, the depth of sorrow will mark the differences
of you and them ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8111520/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8111520/ Thu, 09 Mar 2006 11:13:41 PST ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8045591/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/8045591/ Thu, 02 Mar 2006 10:28:02 PST
it's 4am in the morning. i've been lying here, listening to the wind and trains passing by since 10pm

i guess i know why you liked that ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7990315/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7990315/ Fri, 24 Feb 2006 13:33:35 PST
i know those two messages were there; i kept them on purpose. i've deleted most of the pictures message from you from friends but i never had the heart to delet those two messages. even though i knew they were there, i don't really go back and read them, and last night for some reason i just opened them before sleep. my breathing became so fast when i saw that note i wrote that you sent me. a rush in my throat that i felt i can't breath anymore.

it's too hurtful. and the worst of all is that the pain you'd felt at the time when you sent me that message must be so much worse than what i'd experienced

i don't know how are you and how is your life now. i don't have the right to know this information. and like you said, you can always have the will to stop talking to me if you mean it.


i know i've said too many time and maybe it really doesn't mean anything to you anymore. i just want to say that i'm sorry for hurting you in whatever way i've done in the past. i just wish you're happy now. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7895600/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7895600/ Tue, 14 Feb 2006 13:22:19 PST ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7838935/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7838935/ Wed, 08 Feb 2006 15:31:27 PST Listening to: James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7752760/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7752760/ Mon, 30 Jan 2006 15:17:40 PST
but sometimes i do hope it was a dream. at least that way i didn't screw up that bad, i hadn't lost anything that wasn't actually there.

it's selfish, isn't it? wanting to call you to make sure you're there and secretly hoping that you weren't real are both extremely selfish.

i learned so much about myself that's incredibly ugly, and those are not dreams. it's part of me ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7747199/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7747199/ Mon, 30 Jan 2006 00:48:06 PST
was it marking the fall of innoncence, the end of it. never 100%, unconditional, careless love. from now on we think before we love, we fall in as we make sure it's going to be ok.


a cheesy song


Just let it fly
With no goodbyes
Details don't matter...

...When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
....
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about...
... you'll always be in my heart ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7728714/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7728714/ Sat, 28 Jan 2006 02:16:21 PST
it's pathetic i know. but sometimes don't you just wish every problem can have an easy solution, that you don't have to figure out a way to work things out, that you can just 'fixed it' like that.


headache. can't sleep; but so tired. i'm still struggling if i should take a sleeping pill or a T3 to mask the pain. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7644596/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7644596/ Thu, 19 Jan 2006 00:47:24 PST
i thought about you.

the woman was singing to the guy that "someday you'll realized it makes no difference whether i'm in your life or not. life is too short to always have tears in your eyes..."
and the man sings "it's useless even if i forget about you someday, you have and you will always be part of my life..."

i am better now. i guess you can see that from my journal; i seem more calm. i don't know if i'm hiding, either from you or from myself. i'm not really sure. i'm always feeling confused when i force myself to think about it. sometimes i think i can just live with this and everything seems so far away. it's so far away that it feels so unreal, like it had never happened but it's the most vivid dream i've ever had. Only it's not a dream. Or it's like a movie, a very nice movie until the director screwed up the ending.

I kinda understand when you told me you don't remember me anymore, and it always makes me cry when i think about this. i really can't explain why. It's just weird when i really thought about it.

The song just finished... good night... ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7616055/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7616055/ Mon, 16 Jan 2006 00:05:28 PST Did you remember it?
Did you feel it?

Listening to: "The return to innocence"

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7588461/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7588461/ Thu, 12 Jan 2006 23:51:47 PST
I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you



funny thing about love, lovers, and that little part you can't explain... ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7528743/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7528743/ Fri, 06 Jan 2006 17:27:17 PST
Everyime I listened to the cranberries it brings me back to those times. i didn't know better but it was good. at least i believed.

Listening to 'no need to argue'

There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had,

I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me

And I remember all the things we once shared,
Watching T.V. movies on the living room armchair.
But they say it will work out fine.
Was it all a waste of time.

'Cause I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me

Will I forget in time,
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue,
No need to argue anymore.
There's no need to argue anymore. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7490334/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7490334/ Mon, 02 Jan 2006 15:41:13 PST
Maybe you also know, deep down I’m terrified.

I will always remember that day when you asked me ‘how did you manage to hurt me even more after all these? How?’
I cried. We both did.
I don’t know. But I did.

Realizing what I had done to you I always feel somehow I will manage to hurt you again. I can’t even promise if it’s going to be more or less painful. ‘Out of my control’ can no longer be my excuse; I should always have tried, I could always have made a different choice. I’m out of excuses.

And therefore I know when I hurt you again next time, you will not be able to defend my being, and I will be out of your life, for good.

Maybe what I am really afraid of is you to realize that after all, I wasn’t really worth all the missing and loving. Not sweet kind little girl, not generous; just selfish and ignorant, just careless.

Maybe I'm just being really selfish; when I think of I might hurt you, I can’t bare the possibility of letting it happen again. I literally want to kill myself right then; I don’t know how am I going to live with myself if I do. I don’t know how can I possibly continue my life regularly, knowing I hurt you again for the possible choices or action I may be done. Deep down I know I am selfish. How am I not going to hurt you base on this fact.

Do you also know that I will manage to hurt you again? Will you still talk to me, willing to respond to me, if I tell you this now?

Can you make sure i won't hurt you again? Can you please protect yourself? ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7474231/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7474231/ Sun, 01 Jan 2006 01:45:41 PST
Happy New Year to you. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7451899/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7451899/ Thu, 29 Dec 2005 22:53:16 PST
i couldn't make them carrying what they were supposed to represent; my words are empty and weak, more or less like who i had been



yet, until then, until i can really make these words meaningful again, they are actually the only two things i cannot stop repeating myself
to you


thank you for being a bigger person than i can ever be; i'm sorry for being who i am, thinking how i feel, acting what i do... ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7435804/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7435804/ Tue, 27 Dec 2005 23:01:56 PST i'm gonna be stronger

not grow to become without feelings
just stronger ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7427622/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7427622/ Tue, 27 Dec 2005 00:48:04 PST
i opened the binder with all your poems and started reading them and
i can's stop the tears

i'm like those really, really stupid lab mice
kept walking through the same path,
didn't remember what had led to when i was doing the same thing last time

do i think it's gonna turn out differently as i went through them couple of more times?
do i think those words are gonna worn out and lost their meanings?
do i think eventually i will grow to ignore those lines if i read them often enough?

i guess i am one of those really, really stupid lab rats
i kept 'making' myself to review those feelings, picking up scars that has not even begin to heal

and i thought at the end that piece of skin is going to be a dead part of me
that piece of wounded meat is going to be like a burn mark, with different color than the rest of my body, without any hair on it, without anything, without feelings

doesn't work that way

it just kept bleeding and infected again and again everytime i poked it ripped it off

i started to do the same thing to my face when i got my first pimple. can't stop my hands off my face. even now i still do that sometimes. i think it's my mental problem ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7426597/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7426597/ Mon, 26 Dec 2005 21:36:00 PST
maybe i was talking to an empty room all along

yet i can't stop...



sometimes i lost in between the dialogs i made up for us and started to conversation with myself. i talk to myself when i feel sad, i talk to myself when i'm scared, i talk to myself when i can't sleep


i guess you can tell that it was so hard for me to talk like myself when you phoned me that night. i said so many stupid things, stuff that just came out of my mouth from no where. and i just feel so stupid saying all these things when i thought i could have said something better, or at least more interesting. but i was just numb, and acting really dumb. to be honest i didn't really give you the chance to answer the phone. i let it ring for 2 seconds and hanged up; i can't stand of the ringing. i'm sorry, fir alot of things. you've alreayd known that. i have to stop doing this, i have to really learn to move on...

i feel really pathetic that now i'm the one who's saying all these and going through this whole process of coping. i don't even think i deserve being coped. i think part of the reason i couldn't make myself move on because i don't think i deserve to be happy. and the idea of thinking 'there is not going to be happiness in my life because i don't deserve it' really makes me depressed. what's there to look for, i question myself.


i should stop here
not a good topic to keep going and discuss about it


it was nice to hear from you again. really.

happy new year. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7418971/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7418971/ Mon, 26 Dec 2005 00:14:17 PST he's like the bear


i know i've been writing none sense journal
it serves as my personal shouting board ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7394464/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7394464/ Fri, 23 Dec 2005 17:07:45 PST ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7387900/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7387900/ Fri, 23 Dec 2005 00:49:06 PST
how can I go home
with nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time

you are a china shop
and I am a bull
you are really good food
and I am full
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
so I am coming home with an empty head

you'll say did they love you or what
I'll say they love what I do
the only one who really loves me is you
and you'll say girl did you kick some butt
and I'll say I don't really remember
but my fingers are sore
and my voice is too

you'll say it's really good to see you
you'll say I missed you horribly
you'll say let me carry that
give that to me
and you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and I'll look out the window making jokes
about the way things are

how can I go home
with nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7377858/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7377858/ Wed, 21 Dec 2005 22:52:56 PST
then i thought about the last time we spoke to each other you were very sick.

you were alone, living by yourself. i didn't do anything for you

i know you said you don't think bad things about me; but i feel, no, i know that i was the coldest blood person in the world from that. i was just fucking brutal, fucking selfish. because i can't stand of the guilt and shame and pressure towards you. therefore i choose to avoid, to not know, to get away.

maybe someday very soon or you already realize just how awful i was and no longer feel regret. maybe. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7369479/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7369479/ Wed, 21 Dec 2005 02:45:45 PST not really scared of anything real, but every so often i got this sinking feeling from my chest that there was nothing to grab and cling on. the falling emptiness, i called.
i can't imagine, i don't really know how did you manage all this time. i think in the back of my head i was avoiding to understand how was it like for you. i am too ashamed to even begin to think about it. the little more information i can grasp the more ashamed i am
and all these talkings about how scared i feel is even more shameful because i can never really compare with what you've been through
u said i didn't kill you, i'm acting too dramatic. but what's worse than kill is betrayal. isn't that what i did to you?
99% of the day i keep myself going; i can even be pretty happy most of the time. but that 1% question mark, i use that to tell myself that any happiness i have right now can never last because i don't really deserve it. and that 1% seems so much more real and heavier than the rest of 99% ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7349735/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7349735/ Sun, 18 Dec 2005 21:46:47 PST
It's ok, you don't have to answer. I will tell myself that you are, I will think that you are looking over things happen in my life that I'm recording here.

Every so often I see your face in my head, I described to my sister how your appearance has been changed ever since I saw you the last time, and I realized it's been a long while. My memory stayed in that night when we went to starbucks. I took a picture of you in the coffee house and after that night whenever you phoned me, I'll be able to see your face again on the phone. Not so often anymore, since we decided not to contact each other for now.

I try to explain to her that it was so selfish of me wanting to keep you in my life without returning anything. I try to explain to her why should I let you go. Maybe I was trying to explain to myself.

Remember that first set of songs 'bearshare' you sent me? I listened to them again yesterday and I couldn't even finish the first song. Time goes by and I only have more realization and clear view of how much pain I had brough to you. Without a sign and warning, I see how cruel I was hurting you, I have no excuse.

It always seems easier to forget, to hide what had happened, than to face it, to face your own ugliness. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7300736/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7300736/ Tue, 13 Dec 2005 12:21:58 PST
i can't believe it, i just can't believe it. it's been like my home for the last two years and i'm just about to pay off the car, and it's total loss.

i never thought of last moday would be the last day i drive it. actually i never thought i'd be so sad when i'm not having this car anymore.

anyway, in a state of shock. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7297336/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7297336/ Tue, 13 Dec 2005 01:12:58 PST
You know those winter dry itch. Even wakes me up in the middle of the night and my god damn hand just couldn't control itself.

They said when someone misses you, when someone misses you and talks about you, calls your name, your ears itch.

Is it because you're missing me, and the necklace on my neck makes me itch? Is it reminding me of you, of us?

I romantically think of it that way. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7275606/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7275606/ Sat, 10 Dec 2005 16:38:51 PST
i'm sorry if i had offended all the christmas holiday fans around the world

but i hate christmas
it's the loneliest holiday of the year
it is the one and only day that will totally reminded you how alone you are

i remember i used to loooooove christmas. i remember it was between age 2-14, i'd wake up 4 in the morning to check see what my parents had bought me this year. i'd start to decorate the tree and the house since the beginning of december. i was a christmas freak. then i start to hate it.

alright i've said enough. i still have to go and finish my christmas shopping ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7260997/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7260997/ Fri, 09 Dec 2005 00:48:11 PST
'you're in the process of forgetting him' a voice like this speaking through my brain in the most steady tone and i panic all of the sudden i stepped on the break so hard and yelled back 'fuck you no it's not gonna happen'

'but what are you gonna do?'
'just shut up. shut the fuck up. i don't know'
'well, ok then.'

i kept driving and pretended nothing had happened the thought of it was never true and i continued my night and went to bed ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7243486/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7243486/ Wed, 07 Dec 2005 01:00:55 PST
finally i got one.

well it's not that serious, to be honest. i got hit, it's not my fault. my car is in pretty bad shape but i'm alright other than in a state of shock for a little while.

so many people including my boss kept telling me to pretend to be sick, to be injured, to get some money from the insurence company. well it does sound like a pretty good deal consider i probably won't be able to drive my car for a long while, but i just really don't know how am i gonna bitching on the phone saying how horrible i'm feeling and that've got to repay me back everything i've lost.

i've been pretty lucky in most accidents i've invovled in. i'm not a the most careful driver ever and i always, always got into those small accident that was my fault and ended up nothing at the end. never get to pay nothing to no one since the damage was usually small enough to be neglect. i guess that's why i don't really feel comfortable to get what i don't deserve for this time. i mean, i know i'm gonna get my car fixed for free since finally it's not my fault this time. but getting more money out of it... i just feel that someday it's gonna get back to me. funny thing is that i don't believe in karma and yet for someone that everyone else had been telling me it's ok to do, i feel uncomfortable.

ah, oh well. gotta sleep now.

ciao ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7220189/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7220189/ Sun, 04 Dec 2005 12:32:18 PST
So usually I’m good at picking gifts. I might not get what they want on the top of the list due to money reason, but I can compromise to something neat.

I received your present I ordered on Friday.

Bitterly I laughed at myself; it is the first gift that I picked wrong for you as well as this year.

Is that a sign that I had lost my ability to listen to people, to observe their life and care about their needs?

It’s too bad that you’ve known what I am going to give to you this year, and it definitely sucks knowing it’s the wrong gift. ]]> ~laily http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7044853/ http://laily.deviantart.com/journal/7044853/ Mon, 14 Nov 2005 12:37:07 PST
Take care. Feels like this is the only appropriate thing to say right now. ]]> ~laily