http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:lethal-beat&section=today deviantART RSS for by:lethal-beat en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:43:50 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/28531799/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/28531799/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:42:11 PST



Don't think I'm sick if I say I'm fascinated by this.

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/28125573/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/28125573/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:37:20 PST if i can somehow get $20 before the 19th, i'll try to get it pierced right before i go to la
my bellybutton, it's very angry at me
and it really doesn't like my dog
or clothes
or bending over

//

give me new bands

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/28014855/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/28014855/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:48:40 PDT [link] <3

//

therapy starts on tuesday, fml

//

list of things that will hopefully happen;
get tongue pierced (this weekend)
get septum pierced (christmas)
get hips pierced (unknown)

since my parents won't know about the tongue piercing, i'm worried about the fact that i'm most likely going to the dentist sometime within the next few months. would it be possible to still hide it then?

//

this needs to come in the fucking mail already
[link]

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/27910408/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/27910408/ Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:27:12 PDT

"Pain is what keeps you coming back for more. It's like sometimes when you're just walking down the street, and you trip? That sudden jolt of reality is all you need to snap you back to life. Well with me, I would live all day in a daze, and one swipe of the razor, and I was alive again."

"Anyone who says they don't feel pain is either lying, or really numb. Of course I feel pain. It's the body's natural reaction to let me know that I'm in danger, and to move away, or stop doing what I'm doing. That's probably why I continue."

"Not pain, no. Not the same as pain that is not self-imposed. I think I'd use the word satisfaction more than pain. I don't want to die, I know that."

"Sometimes it hurts, but it's a good hurt. Sometimes I don't feel anything; I just see the blood and see myself doing it. It's almost like an out of body experience."

"I enjoy it. It's a stinging pain, not harsh, that let more blood than I expected. It's very soothing; it calmed me when I was going hysterical. It took my emotions and made them concrete -- something that I could physically drain from my body."

"I feel pain, but it's minimal. It doesn't bother me at all, I guess I kind of like it, but not like I get off on it. I feel like it just comes with the territory, I suppose to the extent that I need the pain (such as it is) as part of the SI ritual--if it didn't hurt at least some I wouldn't do it."

"I don't always know why I self-injure. Sometimes it's used as a distraction from the pain or anxiety I'm feeling. Sometimes I use it as a way of saying with my body what I can't say with words. At times there are no words for what is going on inside me. Other times I use self-injury as a way of releasing the anxiety and panic I am feeling. And sometimes I use it as a way of punishing myself for whatever it is at that moment for which I feel I need to be punished."

"I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state prior to a cutting. The feelings are overwhelming--usually severe feelings of rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the pain show (and be felt) on the outside where I can deal with it. I think it also might give me a diversion from what I am feeling on the inside since by cutting, I feel like I am accomplishing something while I am in a situation that I (usually) have little control over. While I am engaging in SI behavior, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is very wrong and sick, yet, I am so distraught, that I don't care. The urge to cut is very strong and with each slash, I feel a sense of relief. I feel very little pain during the cutting, but I do feel some, and I feel better after experiencing it--like I have been rightfully punished for something and life can continue anew. After I have cut myself, I am very ashamed, but I am much less upset emotionally. I associate this kind of behavior with people who are locked away in padded cells, and so it puzzles me that I should engage in it. At the same time, the wounds usually hurt some even after a few days and they are reminders of what I have done. Feeling in touch with the pain hours or days after the process serves as a perpetual reminder that I have paid my dues, whatever they may be. The cutting process lasts anywhere from minutes to whole evenings. Many times, I cut some, feel better for awhile, and then repeat the incident several times. I am usually VERY upset during the process and venting of my emotions accompanies the cutting."

"1. I feel like a pressure cooker that's going to explode. Cutting and bleeding sufficiently is like letting out the steam. If I do this to my satisfaction, I feel immediate relief, as if injected with valium or something. It helps stop the inner turmoil for a while. 2. To feel real when I feel numb. 3. It becomes an addiction."

"Because I feel so much internal pain that I need a way to release it all. So by cutting myself, it acts as an outlet for that internal pain, like it's all running out of me, like water out of a tap."

"Because it helps me to stop all the turmoil inside my head. I also think that I deserve to hurt because I'm such a horrible person. I don't know why I feel like this, but I do."

"I am full of anger and hurt. I feel like nobody cares. I do it because it is easier for me to hurt myself and deal with my pain then it is to tell someone and hurt their feelings. I would rather be the one hurting. I never want to make someone feel the way people make me feel, so I don't say anything. I keep everything to myself and then it builds up. I explode and then start cutting."

"I love to watch myself bleed, and it relieves stress... it makes me happy."

"I self-injure because it grounds me and it makes me feel whole. When I injure myself I feel a sense of relief and... ]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/27423795/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/27423795/ Sat, 26 Sep 2009 07:47:59 PDT
]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/27211843/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/27211843/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:42:07 PDT Our legs begin to break
We've walked this path for far too long
My lungs, they start to ache
But still we carry on
I'm choking on my words
Like I got a noose around my neck
I can't believe it's come to this

Jeffrey-Kyle Gutierrez, you were a beautiful human being who had seen and endured far too much than a nineteen-year-old should have to. I've known you for two years and you have been an amazing friend throughout all of it. You were my best friend. I wish I hadn't taken so many things for granted. I wish I had taken more time out of my day to tell you how much you mean to me, how much you inspire me, how much I love you. I know sooner or later I will forget how your voice sounded when you said "I love you, baby. Take care of yourself, okay Sammy?" But I will never forget all the things you've done for me, all the things you've taught me. Always and forever, Kiki, I will love you. Best friends mean forever.

If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him back home again

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26882521/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26882521/ Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:14:43 PDT
My hair looks like shit right now but I kind of like it.

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26880200/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26880200/ Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:00:50 PDT

//

I see you sitting there and you make me want to be a better person. I don't know you, but I want to. From the first time I saw you, I knew you were different. It was obvious that you didn't give a fuck about what people were probably saying behind your back. They were probably whispering amongst themselves, asking why the hell a boy would paint his nails sparkling blue and hot pink and is he wearing mascara? Yeah, I guarantee people are talking. But you had me fascinated since the first day of school; I couldn't stop thinking about how I wish I could be so brave and bold and to be content with who I am without caring about whether or not people were talking. Now I look for you everyday in science class, hoping that you're sitting straight in your seat with your perfect nails and bright girls' v-neck and pants tighter than mine. And don't get me wrong, I don't like you that way. I just want you to know that you've inspired me without even trying.

//

I wish I could tell you why I think the way I do, why I do the things I do. I wish I knew. If I knew why a day doesn't go by that I don't think about the little blade I have hidden away, I would tell you. It's not even because I'm sad - it's just a want now. It's a need. I think about it when I'm bored, when I'm angry. There's a thrill in seeing if I can get a little braver each time, just a little longer and a little deeper. It's exciting to see if I can hide it from everyone, to walk around and know that I have my own secrets on my wrists and thighs, and noone but me knows they're there. Not to mention the sick satisfaction that comes with each little cut - the more cuts, the more satisfaction. Just one won't do.

I never believed people when they would say once you start, you can't stop. Now I believe.

//

I'm not scared of pain anymore. This morning, I purposely pulled a scab off my knuckles as slow as I could, and I looked under the skin to see if it would start bleeding. When it didn't, I was kind of dissapointed. I have such a strong urge for red lines right now, I'm eyeballing this pair of scissors on my desk. Maybe someday I'll bring my small friend to school in my pocket for times like this, when it's all I can think about.

I peeled the other scab off. It was alot thicker than the other one, so this one actually bled. Not dripping, more like just the slightest leak. It hurt, but I was somehow calm and in my own world. I was focused on nothing but the slight tug and rip of my knuckle. Nothing else mattered. Afterwards, it was like coming out of a daze.

//

Today was the first time I thought about purposely taking too many pain killers. Not enough to overdose - no, I'm not stupid. Just enough to feel something. I'm not sure what.

//

I'm sure I could go all day without eating if I really tried. I can last through school without eating and my stomach will barely be growling by the time I get home. I know that's not the right way to go, though. Maybe I'll eventually get off my lazy ass and ask to use my grandma's treadmill. God knows I would be alot happier if I lost some weight.

//

This journal scares me. It sounds pretty bad, huh? I really don't know. A part of me wants to go talk to my counselor, see if I can get some type of help. But another part of me doesn't even really want help.

On a happier note, Cloud Cult is amazing. Look that shit up.

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26863169/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26863169/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 18:43:23 PDT





You've got your bones to make a beat, you'd better make a mighty good beat soon.
You've got your skin to sing a song, you'd better sing a super swell song soon.

]]> ~lethal-beat http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26591094/ http://lethal-beat.deviantart.com/journal/26591094/ Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:00:07 PDT

// Autopsy Of A Coroner //
[link]

]]> ~lethal-beat