http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:lilith92&section=today deviantART RSS for by:lilith92 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:27:30 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/28694781/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/28694781/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:20:35 PST I hate her mom because she is a hopocrit becaue she loved me until she found out I was dateing her daughter, she also made a big deal about the two year age difference between us, she married someone who was 12 years older than herself.
I hate that stupid fucking hipocritical bitch. Who is threatening to arest me... ynbelieveab;e bitch.

"They didn't want her here, and she couldn't make herself leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn't know she could, but she did."

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/28572835/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/28572835/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:47:33 PST Mostly because my tweaked great-great aunt is here and I was charged with the task of cleaing the house, which I did, then for some reason my fucking step sisters came home and tracked mud everywhere and dirtied dishes and just generaly rewined everyihing. Then I got bitched at for it.
So at the moment, I am angry with my family, with myself, and I pinched a nerve and my right arm is numb and tingeling...
So happy fucking holidays!!! I'm going to go sleep outside for the rest of the week.

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]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/22510416/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/22510416/ Sat, 10 Jan 2009 16:59:12 PST
I was recently surfing the net and came across a webiste featuring Jewish artists and their contributions to the art world etc. I found the most kick butt artist named Ruth Weisberg. Her art O_O is omg worthy, it's awe inspireing, she has a verry captivating style, and works with various different mediums, and her paintings are so realistic that I actualy thought they were photographs for a while. And as I am wanton to do (goddamn me) when ever I dip my toes into any thing jewish in nature I get this minor compultion to reserch it's counterpart in Nazism. This is a little sick I know, but due to the tie that they have I feel a little obligated to, just to see their differences, or simliarities etc.
Here's where the creepy part begins for me.
Ok, I hate Adolf Hitler. Alot.
I hate Nazi's. Alot.
But recently ( I blame my sister {more on that later) I have developed a curiosity about the thought processes behind Nazism, and WTF was wrong with Hitler. This stemmed from my christmas present from my sister the producers, it's a Mel Brooks movie featuring a mini-musical called 'Springtime for Hitler'. After several days of having this song stuck in my head I decided to do some reserch on Hitler. I didn't like what I found, but it was... grotesquely fascinating. I read some of the pages of Eva Braun's diary ( and WTF that girl was twisted), and checked out some sites whith biographies of Hitler. I knew he was a painter (from my visit to the Holocust Museum in DC) but I had never seen any of his paintings. Back to my rant, I googled 'Adolf Hitler / Artist' and got to see some of his paintings. After seeing the beautiful horror that is "Mother Mary with the Holy Child Jesus Christ" featuring an Arrian Jesus (the undertones of which make me want run away shrieking) I discovered that I liked alot of his work.
I am curious as to weather this makes me a bad person, or some one who can appricate a work of art more deeply.
By acnologing the fact that the artist was really fucked up but not taking it out on the work it's self, does that make me better able to appricate the art it's self? or does it mean that by not taking into consideration the fact that I enjoy the works of a mass murdering fuck head that I am a bad person who disregards her heritage due to her belief's about creative expression and the artisc comunity.
But I have relitaves who paint, who I really dislike, but I love their work... but that's really different.
I dont' know, but regardless as to who created it, I think I'll just enjoy the art that I enjoy regardless as to politics, and just appricate art for what it is... Art.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/22510032/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/22510032/ Sat, 10 Jan 2009 16:33:43 PST
]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/21140688/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/21140688/ Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:28:28 PDT I have registered an account on [link] where I can get killed. In a book. I know I've lost you, but that is super cool! I could be a courps! in a book! That... Is... So... Freekin'...Cool...I wanna get killed but the problem is that this book is premering on the 31st... but it's still in progress and so I am hopeing that I get killed on octobe 31st ^^ or maybe in a later episode or in future... I WANNA DIE!!
DISCLAIMER: I am not insane or suicidal, I just wanna die in a book. Kudos to my friend ::darthdot::

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/20773961/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/20773961/ Wed, 01 Oct 2008 09:42:06 PDT First I wanted to do somthing in acting... Theater, movie, street preformer, what ever. I loved acting it was my passion.
Then I wanted to sell sex toys, I learned about the business, the different materials, shapes, history, blah blah blah.
Then I wanted to be a sexual theripist... Same senario.
Then a tattoo artist.
Then an archelogist.
T_T as we beging to look at the pattern of this I find somthing I like, reserch it learn all I can find out about it... and then I loose interest. This is a problem... I am going to be home schooled for the last 1 1/2 years of my school education and I am getting a job at the local coffee joint next year... around say febuary... But I am afraid that I will end up staying there for the rest of my life. I dont' know what I want to go to college for, or do for a job, I know I want to travel... That's it. I don't know how I will get the money for this, or if I am going to rent an apartment in a couple years, I don't even know if I am passing all my classes. All I know is that I am behind in my school work, I need a job, and I dont' know what I am going to do with my life and the thought of that sacares the hell out of me.
I am confused, and uncertian and I... want... my... mommy...
I am almost 16 years old and the only thing that that has given me for life experience is a complex about the human mind and a dependance on my mother.
Everyone is telling me that I'll figure it out and I'll find a job I like and it will probably change many times but eventualy I will fined somthing that 'makes my heart sing' and I will never want to do anything else. T_T... Ok *she said sacrasticly*. I just wish that I could figure out how to DO just that, and on top of that they expect us to find love and continue the human species. T_T not f**kin' likely! I am just really confused and if any one has any sage like advice for me I would really appricate it because I am loosing my bloody mind >_O and everything is dirveign me insane... I don't know how to deal with... things any more, and it's got me down. My salvation: Poptarts and the prospect of seeing my best frined

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/20377095/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/20377095/ Sun, 07 Sep 2008 14:40:08 PDT My body, start at neck and shoulders...

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Brown, it says Atwoods on the front


3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Besides my mom? No... not even if you payed me... well maybe if you payed me

4. Do you plan outfits?
Usually, but not on the weekends

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Slightly annoyed, useless, and bloated

7. Who was the last person you kissed?
... My mom

8. Person before that?
I choose not to discuss it

10. What are you craving right now?
Bread, Pizza with chocolate on it, frosted cherio's... Recies... all the basic white trash food that my freekin' diet won't permit me to eat.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
" What is this"
"Cabbage,"
"Cabbage? That's your character? You'll walk in there a big 6'ft tall cabbage guy"

12. Do you make prank calls?
No, I suck at it

13. Ever hooked up with some one out of state?
No

14. Do you sleep with any stuff animals?
No, I hate the teady bear I got when my house burned down I feel like I am cheating on Tiki (my dead panda)

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
Doubtful

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes, just out of sheer boredom

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Both, depending on who I am around

18. Do you like anyone right now?
I have crushes on various TV/Movie characters, but no one in real life because sadly no one is even close to hot enough.

19. What do you think of crickets?
I frickin' love crickets! they are good luck ^^

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Weird Ale, Kid Rock... I think I've met some one else but they weren't popular enough to remember.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes, but only with peanuts

22. What are you listening to right now?
The dialoug of No Reservations

25. Would you go sky diving?
Hells yeah!

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Yes, if only so I could poison him while his back was turned...

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
No...>>. <<. Yes


28. Is there anything sparkly on you?
Yes, my mood ring that my two best friends have matches of

30. Do you rent movies often?
No

31. Who sits behind you in your math class?
A girl who's name I don't know

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
Yes

35. Who are you going to be with tonight??
My mom, my step-dad, my computer, my step-sister...

36. Brown or white egg?
No preference... I just dont' care enough

38. Ever been on a train?
Yes, and by Gods it's fun!

39. Ever told someone you loved them?
Twice (not including family)

40. Do you have a cell phone?
Yes

41. Are you a virgin?
Wow... that's really personal

42. Any kids?
Nada

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
Probably college type stuff...

44. Ever had cream puffs?
YES and they are so good!!!

45. Ever had Breaded Shrimp?
Yes

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No, and I never want to

47. What was the last question you asked?
I don't remember, I think my mom was trying to teach me how to say "one beer please" in spanish and I asked her to repeat it.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Fohn Morr... I don't remember the ambum name.

49. What is/was your bus number for school?
I've only ever ridden a bus to school for a year and it was un- numbered

51. Is your hair curly?
Wavy-ish

52. Last time you cried?
... I think the first day school started just because I was frustrated with people nagging at me for mistakes I've made and already been nagged at for.

53. Ever walked into a wall?
Yes

54. Ever walked UP a wall?
Not today ?_? I've climbed a wall...

55. Have you ever bought anything from PacSun?
T_T I dont' even know what that is

56. Favorite time of the year?
Fall.

57. What's your favorite number?
7, 13, & 17, I can't have just one.

58. Favorite colours?
Black, Red, Green, Blue, and Purple.

59. Do you have any piercings?
5 in my ears

60. Do you have any tattoos?
In a month!

61.Who was the last person you held hands with?
My mom

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
I don't own a bloody TV

63. Where was your default... ]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/20181653/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/20181653/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 09:49:37 PDT I GET TO GO TO JAPAN NEXT SUMMER!!!
I GET TO GO TO JAPAN NEXT SUMMER!!!
I GET TO GO TO JAPAN NEXT SUMMER!!!
Yeah, I was sent an invite from this orginization who picked up my name from my school (because I'm a traveling fiend) and my mom and I did some reserch and I freeking get to go for two weeks!!! BOO YAH!! (or how ever you spell that) and what's even cooler is that I may also get to go to Guam, my mom is going there again and she invited me and my step-dad to go with her!
So I'm pretty jazzed, I also got a new bow (I wanted to get into archery) and I have LFG swag in the mail and my bow should be at my house by the time I get back from Detroit (I'm there all this week). I also start school in two weeks (not looking forward to that) but I have alot of artsy stuff and I have spanish which I am really looking forward to!
I am actualy super happy for the first time in like forever! and I don't feel hopelessly and pointlessly in love with a compleet jerk off!
Dance with me!!! DANCE THE DANCE OF LIFE!!!

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/19269567/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/19269567/ Tue, 08 Jul 2008 08:34:30 PDT I have been recently getting alot of Male attention... and I don't understand it!!!
Scence June I have been made out with, groped, cat called at, sang to, horn honked at, given email adresses and randomly flirted with (in front of my mother) and I DON'T GET IT!!! AHHHHH!!
It is massivly frustrating because I used to think that i was going to have to become a nun because no man would ever want me and I could be a bride of Christ... And now I've been getting more attention than I know what to do with and I keep wondering 'Where was this when I was contemplating nunnery?' and 'Where was it when I was massivly depressed because I'm unwanted?'
So now I am confused... and kind of pissed off because I am confused. I really wish I could fiugre out what the bloody hell is going on.
Another thing that is annoying is when men can't make up their minds! and I refuse to be the whore, but they don't fight fairly (this is compleetly hypothetical by the way << >> but then they can't make a decision about what they want and it pisses me off and I want to kill them with sticks but I can't because I like them too much.
So yeah... I'm confused and pissed.
Arts camp was fun by the way.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/19000134/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/19000134/ Mon, 23 Jun 2008 11:21:39 PDT and personaly I don't know what he is thinking and she seems to have this obesession with being a cat... I dont' know ither.
My home life is still fucked, but the awkward friend situation is somewhat better and that makes me happy.
I'm still single which is slightly depressing, but I haven't been cutting or had the urge to cut for a month which is a big deal for me. I want to smash my new iPod into a million tiney pieces but that is techno-rage and doesn't count.
I get to go on anti-anxiety meds when I get back from arts camp, and hope that doesn't hurt my chances to be an exchange student.
I am going to Blue lake arts camp by the way I'll be there for two weeks and may possibly get a new camera so you can probably look forward to seeing some of my fantastic pictures ^-^
I am also working on a book called Outcast (which I am pretty sure is one word) and that shall be coming out possibly mid to late july depending on how much work I get done on it, and if I can afford the stuff (and figure out how to do it) I am thinking about makeing it a podcast novel (if any one knows any thing about how to do that PLEASE! tell me).
I'm also going to be living in Panama (FL) for the month of August whith my Aunts.
Much lub

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/18590255/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/18590255/ Sat, 31 May 2008 08:51:38 PDT And I kind of when all phyco ex on his ass, and I told him I loved him (which I did, {as in past tense}) and sent him a billion (12) messages asking him to talk to me.
Finaly he did and he told me to get over it... I do not get over heart break in two days like he seems to be able too!!! (grrr...)
But after a good few days of crying I realized that I can do better!
I can find some one who actualy respects my mind as well as my body and won't leave me when I'm going through a hard time.
I don't think my snapping had everything to do with Zakk, I think it was a combination of having my gma hospitalized, my house burn down, loosing my pets and pozession's, Alex leaving me because ' he didn't want to deal with me', loosing half my friends, being religously persicuted, having to deal with 'moraly upright' poliece oficers, my step dad getting a DUI, Zakk being a whiney little bitch, and then loosing 1/5 of what's left of my friends is what made me snap.
But it's cool, I get to go to theripy and I am going to try to talk my mom out of puttign me on anti-depresants.
So yeah, I am crazy but I'm over it and I don't want him in my life at all any more... maybe I'ed be willing to be friends in afew years if he gets his head out of his ass.
Much love for recently aquired sanity.
P.S. I got my razor's taken away perminantly

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/18480550/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/18480550/ Sat, 24 May 2008 14:19:11 PDT
No... The wounds I am self inflicting are phycological.
I think I am in love, and somthing happened that hurt the guy I think I love...
I don't want to hurt him ever because I care too much about him and I know that he is having a really really hard time right now. I don't want to make it worse but I told three people we kissed, I don't know if some one was easedroping or whatever but kissing some how turned into sex... WE DID NOT HAVE SEX!!! AND I NEVER TOLD ANY ONE WE DID!!!!!
I tried walking up to him once in the morning to talk to him and I dont' know if he didn't see me (as he claims) but he turned around and walked away. So the next time I saw him I glared at him because I was pissed. When I finaly got him to talk to me he wouldn't say any thing he just covered his face. So I gave him a knote I had written him and left because I didn't want him to see me cry.
Now he just wants to be left alone. I am praying to every God/dess I have ever heard of that he doesn't let this reuin what ever we are relationship wise... but I have a back up plan that works in his benifit but not mine.
He doesn't want me to talk to him, and he wants me to leave him alone... The prospect of not ever talking to him made me cry all day today ( and I had alot of crap happen that was well worthy of making a weaker person break down and sob like a baby).
But I don't want to hurt him, I never want to hurt him or make his life harder than it already is and if leaving him will make him happy I will break my own heart for his sake because I think I love him and never want to see him upset.
And if this doesn't work out the way I am hopeing... I am going to be in a coma inside for a while so... yeah.
Don't try to tell me he's not worth it, because he is.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17996277/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17996277/ Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:04:48 PDT
My life is shit.
My life is shit because I have fucked up a relationship with two people who mean the world to me because I was PMSing and manicly depressed and ranting to a little bitch who twisted what I said and proceeded to fuck up my already shitty life.
I realize in the past I have gotten in similar fight’s with people regarding me saying stupid shit that I didn’t mean but this is much worse.
Incase you didn’t know; My god damn house caught on fire! I lost every thing. Every thing I have ever known or held dear or had any insignificant memory of is gone forever! My pets that were like my children are now dead! I am miserable.
And so some people (who shall remain nameless) seem to get a jolly out of mocking me, calling me names, and yes namely fucking my life in the ass at every angle they could manage to.
(This is my take on what happened, I’m not exactly sure because I don’t know who heard what or who told who what. So if I got any of the details wrong to all parties involved, much grieved and perhaps you could set me straight and tell me what really went down)
Some of my friends are still mad at me (for things that got twisted) and I was also accused of putting words into mouths (because I assumed that Said person ‘hated’ me {you know the hate I mean the teenage hate that only lasts about a week} which looking back was a stupid thing to say, but it seemed true at the time).
But the thing was the friend that accused me of doing that, is doing the exact thing to me. Said person is putting words into my mouth (that have been repeated and twisted). Said person wasn’t there, Said person doesn’t’ know what was said and the circumstances I said things I probably didn’t mean under. And Said person doesn’t seem to comprehend how depressed I already am and how much worse it makes it when Said person is mad at me.
I have no house, I have no belongings except some clothes and school supplies.
Half of my friends are mad at me and I can’t trust any one because they will likely stab me repeatedly in the back.
So go ahead, I’ve already hit rock bottom.
I am already living in hell so hit me with your best shot.
If you are harboring any grudges against me bring it the fuck on.
Kick me when I am already down.
Because your life must be a million times worse than mine for you all to be treating me the way you are. And if I can bring some small shred of happiness into your dark and dismal world by letting you treat me like I’m nothing them by all means, brighten your day up with my suffering.
Glad I can make some one happy.

Or… If you don’t want to make my life worse than it already is please leave me alone, don’t talk to me or about me. I do not need any more drama in my life.
I’ve been crying every day in school for at least two separate hours of the day.
When I come home I cry and then I cry myself to sleep.
Why am I crying so damn much? Because I hurt people I love by being an ass, and on top of all the other bull shit, I am the most depressed I have ever been in my life!
I wish people would just forgive me and let me go on with my life because I have already suffered enough and I don’t need more of other people’s shit on top of all my own.
You know… I get it. I really fucking get it, I was a bitch and I probably deserve all this.
I bitched about people (which is never a good thing to do) and now… I’m still the bitch.
But I really don’t need any more of people trying to make me feel like shit, because I already feel like shit most of the time as it is.
Thank you for the 55 seconds of your time you have devoted to reading this.
All the best,
Lila Joelle Gee

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17864832/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17864832/ Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:25:37 PDT
I am sick of trying to be happy at school and I frankly don't give a fuck any more.
I'm trying to keep up with my school work, but it's so hard for me. Because on top of all the shit that is happening with my house burning down, I am sitll 'in love' with my ex Zakk, and I made my currend-not-sure-weather-we-are-going-out-or-not-boyfriend Alex verry sad because of the way I have been acting.

I miss my cats, I hate my grandomther, and it's hard for me to see my whol life and every thing I have known just dissapear forever.
And I found a razor in my step-step-mom's flower shop...

I want to know why my love wasnt' enough for Zakk, I want to make Alex happy because he is my friend and I don't want to hurt him, I want my grandmother to never speak to me again because she is making things worse by dilebratly doing every thing in her power to make my life a living hell (I am not making this up) and I am sturggeling to 'come out of the closet' about being Bi-sexual to my family, and I am stressed, devistarted, and hopped up on estrogen filled birth control pills which are probably making things worse.

I can barely think of a reason to get out of bed in the morning's and I am so so so sad

I know there are helthier alternatives to cutting, and I am trying to keep myself active and thinking about other things, but everywhere I go I see Alex or Zakk and I get depressed and I think ' I have a razor in my pocket. If I can bull shit my way out of here I can go in the bathroom and make my wrist look like a scene from Sweeny Todd'.

I wish the last two months had not happened, and I wish I knew what is wrong with me and why I feel compelled to do that.

I also don't feel compelled to eat becaus it makes me feel sick ( I do any way because I don't want to add anorexic to cutter and bi sexual). But I am getting physicaly sick.
I think it is from stress and depression.

My mom wants me to see a theripsit but I don't want to because my theripist is like my adopted mom and I don't want to tell her what is going on because I care for her too much and I know how stressed she gets from her work.

I've called a family friend with horses, I hope that helps.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17768583/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17768583/ Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:54:29 PDT
My pets are dead from smoke inhalation.

All of my pozession's except like 10 things I kept in my loccor are distroyed.

I saw fire fighter's carrying my cat's body out of my house.

I feel like some one has raped me and killed my children.

I dont' know what the fuck to do except cry.

And what's worse my fuck wad cousin is tormenting me because he thinks it's funny that my life is a living hell *bashes his head in slowly!* *wills a slow and painful death on evil family member*.

I don't know why the fuck people think it's funny to laugh at people after they have just endured somthing that they may never experience in their life.

Why the fuck does bad stuff all happen at once?

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17717903/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17717903/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 15:12:49 PDT I got grounded for not doing any thing productive durring spring break, and I am not alloud to be on the computer, which sucks T_T.
So if I don't reply to messages or comments or what ever I am not snubbing you I am grounded (I'm not even soposed to be on the computer now *shifty eyes*)
Thanks very much.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17683037/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17683037/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 12:56:08 PDT I finlay asked him out and he came over to my house watched movies, ate dinner, and messed around the computer from 4:00 to 10:30.
Noting happened, no kissing, no hand holding, no nothing.
And I didn't feel any thing what so ever. My question is what the fuck is wrong with me.
I felt so intensly about him and when I finaly got him there was no feeling what so ever.
*face palm, face palm, face palm, face palm, face palm, face palm!*

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17597266/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17597266/ Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:57:58 PDT
For those of you who don't know me well enough I have insomnia *note: No, this has not been proven by a doctor T_T consume me! (inside joke)* and I forgot to take my sleeping pill tonight, and if I take it now I will be asleep until noon, and I have stuff to do in the morning so I am just going to have some coffee and suck it up.

While lyeing in bed and listening to a podio book on my pod, I began thinking about the most awkward situation that I have ever been in.

There is one that seems to leave them all in the dust for me at least.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Please knote, when I cry I throw up... you can not make this up. Also when I get frustrated, or angry I cry)

This happened a year ago durring the summer when my family went to vacation in Key West.

This is the best vacation spot and every one should go there at least once because it is so much fun any way...

We were staying in a rented condo/apartment building/re-renivated womens prison (jk about the last one).

Any way, there was a beach and a pool. My mother and sisters wanted to use the pool because they fear the ocean and real sun light. I wanted to go to the beach (I was more than willing to go alone) but because my family runs as a dictator ship and not as a democracy my vote was dis-regarded and I was forced to go to the pool and have my dyed black hair bleached by the chemicals and sunlight.

Well I usualy wear this pair of American Eagle sandals that are two inch high foam and leather 'buoyancy shoes' as I have loveingly dubbed them (which I believe that if I had some devine help I could walk on water with).

The ground on the way to the pool was rather un-even and un even ground + tall buoyancy shoes + geek who is not looking at where she steps = bloody mess.

And a bloody mess it was. I fell (not on my ass as I usualy do) but on my knees. One right after the other. And there was blood, lots and lots of blood and skin scraps, and pulling gravel from my bloody skinned knees... And for the first time in three years I had fallen and scraped my knees and I had started to cry.

I was not crying because of the pain (I used to be a cutter and I'm slightly into BDSM, pain is my bread and butter) no I was crying because I was so embarased about the fact that I looked like an 8 year old who couldnt' manage to walk without holding her mommy's hand.

I was crying because I was embarased because about 70 tourist's saw my fall on my face and tear my knees and bleed. I was frustrated because I had not done that in three years.

I was really upset, and when I get upset I cry.

(Here comes the vomiting part)

I don't know why I do this but when I cry the snot runs down my throat into my
stomach and causes me to get rather sick.
I am crying, I am trying not to sob histaricly, I am bleeding all over the place my legs are covered in blood as are my hands and I am trying with all my might not to sob like a baby because I am so embarased. My nose is running like crazy...

So I know what is coming... I beg my mom to give me the room key and let me get back to the room (the room is on the third floor and requires to do some lengthy navigating )so I don't re-enact the the puking scene from the Exorcist. My mom is Draging her ass and asking my step father some bull shit about if he'll come with me and hold my hand and help me clean up my bloody self. I am desperatly trying to get the hell out of there and she is disgusing this in length and then it happens.

I run to the bushes and expell my breakfast along with a substantial amount of mucus into the nearest shrub... All 70 tourists are stareing at the bleeding perjectial vomiting pale geeky girl with fake black hair from Michigan standing over a vomit covered shrub and willing got to strik her with a bolt of lightning to some how lessen the embarasment... God did not see fit to kill me. Which is un fiar. Because then I had to make my way back through the maze of rooms and halways with more tourist's and more embarisment.

After getting back to the room I washed off in the shower and brushed my teeth then hid in the room for the majority of the rest of the day and prayed that if I put a hat on no one would remember me.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17579062/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17579062/ Sat, 29 Mar 2008 19:25:57 PDT
I think.

I may have died or simply immagined the whole thing. But it's been two day and I havent' woken up cursing my existance for immagining it so vividly.

But if that all is true and I am not dead or in a drug induced coma... I believe that this may be one of the best things has happened to me in a very long time.

And I dont have to become a nun now!

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17527924/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17527924/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 15:54:52 PDT
I am totaly spazzed out! I got to play POTC (Pirates of the Caribbean for those of you who aren't totaly geeky {Who the hell am I kidding}) Life with my lovely geeky Alex. We were doing the whole pirate voice thing it was the best, and strange strange pirate things happened, so happy (T-hugs lovely Alex, who may or may not be coming over to my house durring spring break where we will play twister ). I am totaly spazzed and hope that the twister becomse strip twister or naked twister or how ever the hell we end up taking our clothes off I hope that's what it leads to. Dinner, Movie, naked twister HAHAH!!!

And Yesterday the topic came up about a spot on my back that if you apply the right amount of preasure I will 'flop like a fish' (my own words) and Alex then said he knew somthing that would make me flop like a fish... This got dirtier and dirtier until it escliated to this: Alex wants to make me have five rapid fire orgasms in a row and watch me flop like a fish. I almost fell in love. Almost.

I'm totaly spazzed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now my world just came crashing down... My grandmother was just hospitalized because of her stomach... and I dont know what the hell's going on because my mom's gone T_T I'm pissed, and upset, and spazzed out happy. This range of emotions is not fun to deal with. Totaly overwhelmed.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17478033/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17478033/ Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:03:31 PDT
It's a Christian holiday that just happens to be on the same day as the biggest pagan holiday in the history of ever! Coincidence... I think not.

Second of all for those of you who feel like arguing with me, WTF does eggs and bunnies have to do with Jesus coming back from the dead!
-slams head into wall- So here is what I did..........

I got my prom dress, had meat and dairy for the first time in ages (because a character of legend coming back from the dead seems like a good enough reason to eat meat to me {Which happens through out Ancient pagan religons [I means same life cycal as Jesus from the born of a virgin bull shit to being nailed to a 2x4/tree (look it up fuckers) through history I think 8 or 9 times} as well as eating half a bottle of whipped cream), got my neck bitten by a 5 year old, listened to music really loudly, and talked about my other Atheist family members about how stupid we think religon is.

That's right DA christian comunity come get me.

Don't get me wrong... I love christians I think that the majority of them are good people (I don't blame any one from any religon or nationality for the un-controlable crazies. Every thing's got 'em) and that's great.

They are more than welcome to worship what ever god they want, but I have the right to say what ever I want to say. Because we live in America. and as long as they continue to worship a god I don't believe in, in front of me I will continue to not believe (dirty dirty pagan bitch that I am)

Also I realized how much I love Brock Sampson... He's so FUCKING HOT!!! -foams at mouth-

Yea, so I dislike the christian reliogn, and I love the Venture Bros.
And my boy toy's girlfriend wouldn't let him come over to my house so I can't pwn Easter... Next year.

Who would I speak to about becoming a hit woman/ bounty hubter for a living?... I doubt my career counseler could help me with that... pitty.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17438994/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17438994/ Fri, 21 Mar 2008 08:22:32 PDT
I like two guys which is annoying.

I like Alex lots. He's sweet, ,smart, and geeky in a verry good way to the point where I just want to shoot off bottle rockets and blow up walnuts with him. He is adorable and cute and geeky and sweet and I realy like him. We've had such random conversations and that hasn't scared him away yet

Then there's Zakk, I think the only reason I like him is because he's like forbiden fruit so to speak. He is a man-whore, which I don't mind because I'ed probably end up cheating one him but we'ed both be eachother's #1 and he's utterly gorgious. He's had to endure that phyco bitch side of me, and appologized for hurtin me when he did, and I have verry strong feelings for him.

My problem is this I can't have them both and I want them both.
My heart and my brain say Alex, but my body says Zakk.
I think that if it wouldnt' mess up our friend ship I would like to do naughty things with Zakk just to get it out of my system, and then be with Alex... if my being with Zakk didn't fuck up the way I feel about Alex (which it shouldn't {never has before })
I hate feeling so helpless! It's so totaly fucked! BHOFJAOSDI NAAF ABS NIPPLEFUCK!!!

So freaked out... Help.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17389937/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17389937/ Tue, 18 Mar 2008 04:40:00 PDT
Then I did it in front of my Aunt Dani and got yelled at and was told not to do it again. Normaly I would disregard an order like that... but Dani knows things. It's like she has super sonic hearing and can tell when I crack my fingers.

Now I need somthing to occupy my time with so I have started to crack my wrists and elbows...

I think I need a new hoby, somthing that doesnt' deterierate my joints.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17339077/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17339077/ Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:49:50 PDT
And I began to think, how would one go about having sex with a fish?

I mean... Seriously.

Like, I understand how a man could do it. He would just have to find a fish that had a big enough mouth and no teeth.

I can just immagine it, Girlfriend gets a new fish. Let's say it's a coy fish, it is a fairly large fish with a big fleshie mouth.

Boyfriend is horny and see's fish's big fleshie mouth... and thinks what the hell.

Girlfriend leaves the room for some reason.

Apon returning Girlfriend finds coy fish out of tank, floping around between boyfriends legs.

Boyfriend is fucking fish...

Boyfriend is fucking fish in mouth...

Boyfriend is gettign his rocks off while fish is gasping for water and choakign on Royfriend's rod (and I do not mean Rod Stewart)

Boyfriend is cuming in fish's mouth, boyfriend is trying to hold the floping fish in place while screaming 'It's so good! Honey come watch this fish, you might be able to learn somthing'

Girlfriend is debating how she is going to get her fish back and break up with her boyfriend.

..........................................................................................

Girlfriend some how prys fish from between boyfriends legs.

Girlfriend realizes that fish is obously not es swecidal, and figures... what the hell.

Use your immagination...

This is what happens to me when I over think T_T

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17305089/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17305089/ Wed, 12 Mar 2008 17:10:38 PDT Freshman was nice to me, little flirty, few compliments, pretended to be interested in what was going on in my life, then I ended up inviting him over to my house on Sunday.
Then I find out he was lying about every thing, and has a girlfriend. So I called his girlfriend a bitch ( just to piss him off { even though she is} and it totaly worked) then I let that simmer for day, then I told him that I didn't want to see him any more and didn't want him to talk to me at all.
I was a bit more polite than that (even though I didn't want to be) 'because I'm at a vonerable time in my life and don't need some one pretending to feel for me on top of every thing eles that's going on and I don't want to be hurt more than I already am'. TRANSLATION: 'You're an ass and you used me! If you fucking talk to me again I'm going to kick your ass!' My mom thinks that I was a bitch and I over reacted...

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17134467/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17134467/ Sat, 01 Mar 2008 14:45:44 PST jk} and that's the way she likes it) so I supose she's content in the facts that I'm just a Erotic fan. But I'm begining to feel guilty about my erotica obsession. I am developing a like of /SLASH/ (which is man on action, don't like Yaoi though), twincest (which is sweet because I have the hugest crush on a twin... IT'S LIKE A MIRROR!!!), bi-sexuality, homo-erotica, bondage, water bondage, Nawashi (rope bondage), passion slave's (I would like to be one one day), vampirism & blood play, as well as many mini-fetish's. I dont' express these at all! And I will not until I'm of legal consenting age, and ither married or in a serious relationship (I don't exactly believe in marriage but I'm not opposed to it) but I'm feeling vaugly guilty about these fantasies... I'm wondering if there are no grounds for this. Don't think so, I like to think that I'm going to evolve into a sexualy healthy adult who can comunicate my sexual desires with my then partner.
Although I'm not sure weather or not I'm way ahead of every one eles my age or if the christian fundi media comunity is trying to stifel them. I'm Pagan/Atheist so I have grown up with a lusty family who dont' hide sexual nature. Sorry if I dewl on this I'm going to go on a tangent on how much I dislike the christian religon (But COME ON!!! Christianity has fucked us over for 1500 YEARS!!! It's gonna take probably double that to undo the damage they've done -twich- -burns cross- - laugh's insanely- I'm done).
So is my Erotica Obeseeion bad?
Not that I'm going to be able to do much about it... once somthing has manifested it's self in me it's hard to get rid of. But I'm curious...

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17074124/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17074124/ Tue, 26 Feb 2008 13:39:54 PST .

I saw Alex in EDP, I didn't talk to him much but the few words that we did made me happy. Just custie stuff.

I found out that I'm retarded for Alex. Which means that when I see Alex I become retarded (no surprise there folks). And then there is this adorable little freshman; Michael (I think) who is the sweetest little freshy I've ever met. I walked home with him and attempted to help him carry his mouse trap powered car... that is attempted to. I ended up slipping on some ice outside of the library and hitting him in the face, possible giving him a black eye; and brusing my knees. Then the wheels fell off one by one which we had to chase after. After that he told me jokes and I didn't know the punchline, thus ending in me laughing and his coming up with another joke. We talked about silly stuff.
My friend Jami (you know who you are) thinks it would be cute (or somthing simmilar to that) if we were together.
But when Michael and I parted ways (WTF Who says that any more?), all I could think of was Alex.
I have a theory that if ever I get time to spend with Alex we would be compatible, and we would be a good couple because I dont' think it's awkward to create a friendly connection with some one that I barely know. On the other hand, I am having some trouble talking to Alex because we have no classes together and we both want to spend time with friends at lunch... which is why I would love to discover what his schedual is so that I could spend ONE BLOODY SECOND WITH HIM!! -stabs self in leg- -shifty eyes- -nonchalantle crosses legs and quickly pulls scalpel out of leg-.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17027048/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/17027048/ Sat, 23 Feb 2008 14:34:06 PST
I have a crush on a guy who some would classify as a geek... I fear that if I ask him out and he rejects me I have two options.

Option number 1: I can convert to Catholisism and become a nun because if a geek has rejected me there is no chance that I will ever get a boyfriend and should just put on a veil and start carrying a rosery around with me everywhere I go.

Or option number 2: I'm going to die alone. I'm not only going to die alone, I'm going to die really fat. I don't mean sad spinster fat, where I'm waddling down to the public pool every morning at 6:00 to float on my back. Sad spinster fat in the shower lifting up my massive breasts to was underneath it. No, no not for me; I'm going ot die alone and really fat and I dont' mean regular fat, I mean crazy fat. So fat that I can't get out of bed, I have to make my own clothes out of sheets, and I have two long under arm braids. You know the fat I mean, the crazy Gunnisse book of World records fat, where I'm rideing a scooter and when I die I'm going to be burried in a piano box. That crazy ridiculous morbid fat.

My question to you is... Am I overreacting?

P.S. There are four ( ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR) thin, athletic polular people in my house right now.
I feel so uneasy, I know they won't eat me ( christ I doubt that two of them eat at all) but I feel so out of place - twich-
I'm the only fat one...

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/16978784/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/16978784/ Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:28:50 PST I am normaly a mellow person, but all this pointless shit is making me emo! -drags sharp object across wrist- AHHH! my sister Andi forgot her knee pads for he basket ball game and my step father is still yelling about it an hour later! My sister Jenaye's boyfriend is deeling drugs ( also to my sister Andi), and she is still with him after four years of him cheating on her and his deeling drugs and every f**king thing! -facepalm- My sister Andi ( don't cross over to her side yet) is having sex with her boyfriend. I don't care about that... but I walked in on her and him in the hallway! -twich twich curls up in ball and tries to die- Then she locked me out for an hour while she was being boned, and I live in Michingan where the snow comes from, and it's cold in my concrete gradge! -@$$ F*^%- My mommy is gone off to tan in Tampa Florida ( where the oranges come from) and left me alone in a house with my rabid step-father - drags sharp object across wrist, facepalm, headdesk, twich twich curl up in a ball and die, WTF is wrong with her!? @$$ F*^% AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Ok... Now that I have that out of my system I have lied to my step-father and told him that a guy I have a crush on is going to help tutor me (I f**king wish), and I plan on hideing out at the public library until 6:00 P.M. just so I can get the f**k out of this house and away from all this pointless drama -sobs histaricly- I can't stand it any more!

Feel sorry for me.

]]> ~lilith92 http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/16585041/ http://lilith92.deviantart.com/journal/16585041/ Sat, 26 Jan 2008 17:26:04 PST I won't be on as often as I was but I will be back

]]> ~lilith92